WEBVTT
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Good morning.
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Welcome to Body Dr.
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Walk and Talk with a Brooke.
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Live from my neighborhood.
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Today I feel like wondering about um, you know, the things that we worry about happening, or maybe even anticipate on some level happening, things that we fear.
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And often what happens is that, and I don't mean this so much in a positive way, I just sort of mean that we have blind spots.
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And a lot of times I think what happens is we're focused on places we're not blind because we're afraid of, you know, or maybe overfocused, or maybe the word would maybe be hyper-vigilant.
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Um, and what that implies then is there are other there's other things we're not paying attention to.
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And that's just the case.
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We don't we can only pay attention as humans to so many things at one time.
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So that's kind of like, well, old school when you used to need to remember phone numbers, there's like the certain number of digits that you you could remember, you know, from that back when we had to remember.
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Um so it's kind of like there's only so much input you're gonna get.
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And I tell people this a lot, especially when it's connected to memory, that um that memory has to do with what you attend to.
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So if you don't put your attention there, you're not gonna remember it.
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So if you're really scattered, that's why a lot of times people don't remember things because they didn't attend to them to begin with.
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And I think as we get older or if we're overwhelmed emotionally, you know, or we're distracted, we don't remember because we didn't attend.
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So that's like a little tidbit.
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So um, so I think this is for me.
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I hate, I mean, every human has blind spots, but especially if that blind spot could could um harm another, let's say, or could be harmful to yourself.
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And and yesterday I was talking with someone, and she was talking about how she wished that she could have parented differently, but she didn't know what she didn't know.
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You know, that's what we were talking about, and that she carries around a lot of upset about that.
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Um but it's like no one gives you a parenting manual.
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Um, and people say this, but like let's say people don't give you a life manual, and even if you get some life manuals, you still it's still kind of like you're winging it, it feels like a lot of the time, you know, and and um that's okay, but we have to give ourselves a significant amount of grace, I think, if we're to understand that these places in our psyche and our way of being, they're not accessible to us until until they are.
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And a lot of times it's because someone someone shows that to us.
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So this woman, you know, she talked about, and I hear this, I hear this a lot.
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It's not she's like pretty archetypal, like, you know, maybe that's why she liked her, you know, father more, because he treated her better.
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But there was never any ill intent.
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So when we, let's say, zig where maybe we should have zagged or we behaved in a way that wasn't well received, you know, by another, we we don't, we really don't always know we're doing it, you know, we don't know.
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So it's it's about the lessons, it's about the learnings, and it's about not being overly critical with yourself when um you make these points of discovery, because I think that sometimes when people carry shame around certain areas of their existence, like you know, the type of things where you promised you would never be a certain way.
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You saw a parent be that way, you promised you wouldn't be that way, and then as you get older, you realize um that it your parents didn't just end up being that way either, right?
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Um or any other value take if you're not a parent, ways you promised yourself you would just never be, never be to yourself.
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Um and then that shows up.
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You're being that.
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Um so we have to go really gently on these things.
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Um and we try to get on top of them.
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I mean, I try to get on top of them, and it just sometimes it'll just make it worse because it's almost we have to relax into what we're ashamed of in order to see these things, not not run from that.
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Or maybe where we're most challenged, you know, like not to run from where we're most challenged inside.
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And yet still, yet still, it you could be blind.
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You know, that's the idea.
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I was blind, now I can see, type of thing.
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That's the, in my opinion, that's the meaning of that.
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So, um, if you were blind, but now you can see, um well, maybe you're not gonna like what you see.
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You know, it's just because I think we go blind around the things we don't want to see.
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And so that's what it's like, you know, some people say things.
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Like when people are very empathic, they detect that what people are saying is not necessarily the truth about or about maybe they it's kind of like um if you listen to people's words but you don't pay attention to what they do, um you're not really honing in on what you actually see.
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You know, like you're not letting you're not actually honing in on the person.
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And I I think that's because of this type of phenomenon that we have where we're we're blinded, where we're occluded, you know, because the space in our childhoods kind of numbs us out.
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Another word is like depersonalized.
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We we don't we don't know what we don't know.
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Um and we can't, I'm gonna use the word fixed.
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I don't love this word, but we can't fix what we yet to know.
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We can't fix what we yet to know.
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So once we know it, we can fix it.
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But before we know it, we can't.
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And sometimes it takes a punch in the face for that to happen because we literally were you know walking around doing something that we didn't want to be doing, legit.
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So then we're like, that's the whole point.
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You have to sit into the shame, and we run from shame like the plague.
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Now, if you want to talk about shame, shame's a construct.
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So this is kind of like um, you know, you know, some a lot of people would be like, I want everyone to like me.
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I'm a pleaser, I want everyone to like me.
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And I usually think in terms of a third of the people a third of the people are gonna like you, third people not gonna like you, and a third of people not gonna care at all.
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The third, the third, the third rule.
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We could argue that in no matter how talented you are, no matter what you're doing, no matter what you're not doing, this would be true.
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So this isn't about whether or not you're talented, whether or not you're good at something, this is just let's say the general opinion.
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And even like, you know, people could be like, oh no, she's good at that, but I don't like her.
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Right?
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So this isn't about um morning, morning, the truth of what you are.
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It's not about that.
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This is more about just the nature of humans.
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So you know so not everyone's gonna like you, right?
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So if you let's say you overhear people someone talking about you, or they communicate to you their feelings, um, and you had no idea what they were talking about, like you didn't really understand because you didn't see the circumstances from their point of view, like almost like you're dumbfounded, they would feel this way about you.
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Um and you're not even, you know, you know, you're you're blind, you're blind to it.
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And this is because let's say when you were a kid, um that behavior was something that would be normal in your family, the behavior that the other person was like, you s I can't believe you're a whatever, but you don't know you're a whatever because you're so busy being yourself, you don't have any other access.
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Like someone said, like, well, I I didn't get access to real life when I was a kid.
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That's why I have these all these blind spots, that's why I can be so mean.
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That's what like you know, people who've been treated meanly, they can be mean, and they don't want they so desperately don't want to be mean.
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Or people who were dominant, you know, kind of dominated or oppressed, they become dominating or oppressive, and that's the last thing they want to be.
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But it's sort of this unconscious um navigation space, and you don't know, you know, you don't you don't know, like you think you should know.
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I mean, it's it's obvious, like you would know when you're being mean, or you'd be able to stop it, you know, but no, you might not, and that's because of this childhood phenomenon where you get born to a family, it's all you know, everybody's born to a family, it's all they know, and that's what you know, what if you want to think about what karma means, that's karma.
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So the way you process your emotions, what you're told about who you are, what you're told about that you're the habits.
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You have like another example of talking to someone about how you know their mom wasn't really into putting on any makeup, and so she feels uncomfortable like when she wants to put makeup on.
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And it's really because there was really not there was no room to disagree in her family system.
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You really couldn't, because um, because you just that made that made, and this is what happens, that makes parents very nervous.
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This is if I'm gonna go back to the which I know I let go of the shame um construct here.
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Just uh taking a minute because it's shifting my clothing here because in-between weather.
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Um there's a lot here also.
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Lots of stuff here from the storm.
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Um so sorry about that interruption.
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So if you if you're if so, like the point is she was like, I didn't get access to real life, right, because her ex her experience was extreme.
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So let's say she didn't have a moderate childhood, she had a more extreme childhood.
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And that's a thing.
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That's actually a thing, and and it's a thing because if your programs in a certain way, and that programming has like a glitch, a disturbance, a I don't know.
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Um, you know, or it's just upsetting.
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And that's what you know, then that's what you know.
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You know, like that's that's the settings, that's the settings in your neurology, that's the settings in your brain, and it is all you know.
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And you don't know what you don't know, and that's true for every single human, no, no matter what your experience is.
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And I think that when we separate later, often like when when we separate from the when we separate from our families and we move into the world, this is why sometimes we have trouble.
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Right?
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We have trouble because um because this is where our point of discovery about this.
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Because we have left the home and we go out into the world, and we can see the difference between what we experience and others experience, because we now get a chance to see this.
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And we could see it in any direction.
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It could you could see your experience a positive, negative, neutral direction, but now there's a basis of comparison.
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And this is with the point where you know this increased separation from your family, because you could see this.
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Also, it happens if you lived at home a long time and then you move away.
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You can see.
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Uh, because you have space, space to reflect, space to see.
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You can maybe have new people in your life that are mirrors and can show you, like reflect back to you other experiences.
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So if so that's so the bottom line is if there's this thing the unconscious mind does, so if we have had a rough time in our childhoods, we will repress or forget those experiences.
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Here comes the blind spot.
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So if you were in relationship regularly to difficult parents who over and over and over again made you feel sad and upset, even when that was not a reasonable navigation or negotiation, then you could really shut down a lot of your antenna around these types of people because these are the types of people you know.
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So you have a blind spot, you don't know that those types of people maybe stay away from them because that's all you know, or you you know there's certain triggers in your life so that make you upset.
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So maybe you need to stay away from them, but you think, well, then I'll have no friends, or then I'll have no connections, or then I'll have no life, you know.
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So I have to stay with these people because otherwise I'll have nothing.
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Because and it then it becomes the why can everybody else tolerate the why am I so sensitive?
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Why can't everybody else tolerate this?
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And and I can't, um, and that that's also there are different levels of tolerances to others as a result of the programming and your neurology and who you are, and so I think what I'm really most trying to get at is we can be accountable to our blind spots, but we really cannot blame ourselves for our blind spots because it's not really reasonable to do that.
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So if we go back to that idea of shame and we don't sit into our shame, shame's so it's like it's like the parents shame for control, right?
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They shame because they they want to make sure you're gonna be okay.
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Want to make sure you're gonna be okay, and according to their definition of what okay is, and so they're gonna kind of make you form you, that's what the heritage wants, into their um into their uh the form of what it is they want you to be because it makes them feel comfortable.
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Because if you go outside, like let's say, like, you know, the woman with the makeup, she looks so pretty when she puts a little makeup on, and it makes the parents uncomfortable because they're Catholic, and you know, there's all the sex shit that is all wrapped up in it, and so they hold that back, and then there's you know, and so then she then then she's shamed when she puts the makeup on.
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Okay, so it's a construct.
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You go to one culture, they shame one thing, you go to another culture, they shame another thing.
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One place you have to wear makeup, or you know, you're not pretty enough, the other, and they're gonna make you wear it the other place, they're like, don't wear the makeup, you're gonna be, you know, you're asking for trouble, you know.
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So this these types of things are it's complicated to be a human.
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And so I think what I'm saying is I I encourage all of you that to the best of your ability, not when you feel really uncomfortable, not to run from it and to to work yourself into it to look at it.
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Um and you know, this is where there's like kind of like how how can you process your thoughts better?
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Sometimes it's like you walk, you can process them better.
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You know, you can process your shame, and I mean process spooky thoughts.
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Like, you know, sometimes it's hard to sit with them, but or you can uh draw, doodle.
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Uh people have all different artistic ways that they outlets they have to be able to sit with this kind of material.
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So, you know, so they they the idea of meditation, right, is to allow us to sit and be able to reflect on our thought, like our programming, to be able to see it, to enter a different state of consciousness, so we can see beyond our thoughts.
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And as and we can sit into that and we can watch our thoughts all at the same all at the same time.
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Um and and that's interesting.
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It's an interesting exercise.
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But I find with this heavier stuff, the stuff that like feels really, really bad, like after you discover it, or after you do it, or after you know it, um it's a like or you in other words, like you're you're faced with your shame.
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You're faced with your shame.
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Inside, outside, doesn't matter if you could.
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Sit into it and you can watch it.
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Um then you have a deeper level of awareness.
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I'm not saying we cure blind spots or anything like that.
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I'm just saying you have a better chance of knowing what causes your suffering if you go where the suffering is and the shame thing.
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That's often a you know a big piece of where we suffer because it hurts very much to be shamed.
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It hurts very, very, very much.
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Um and how people perceive shame, like you know, you could be, you could, I was gonna say it this way, but I don't really believe it, not this extreme, but you could be giving someone a compliment and they feel shame.
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Actually, no, that's that's that's not that's not a crazy concept, actually.
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So um, and that can be very uncomfortable, especially if uh those compliment types of compliments were shamed growing up.
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Maybe a compliment of a man, you know, that we go back to the earlier fear of sexuality because of Catholic dogma.
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So I think just what I the purpose of like this exploration today is to sort of be like, be open to what you don't know instead of closed.
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And if it shows itself, you know, do your best you can to embrace it and study it.
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Not only so you can prevent yourself from suffering as much, you know, the whole idea pain is inevitable, suffering is uh choice.
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Um and the suffering piece would be this it's like the places we shame ourselves still.
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And um when, you know, that's not really that's really because of a blind spot.
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Because there's no need to shame ourselves.
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There's a need to be aware of ourselves, but the shame and the judgment, even though we were gonna do it, it's it keeps us from being our best self because we don't give ourselves a chance to have these massive imperfections, especially if we took vows that we would not hurt others the way that we had been hurt.
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And I say vows, it's like I don't mean formal vows.
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I you know, I mean like you're fighting with your mommy 15, and you're like, I'll never be like her.
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I'll never treat someone else like this.
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And you then discover that you're you're you're doing that very thing.
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Even outside or inside, it doesn't really matter actually, because the inside becomes the outside, the outside becomes the inside.
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And when we reach that discovery point, sometimes we see, because if we've been blind to it, we we see why.
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Because the fear has been so overwhelming, and the shame has been so overwhelming in the original programming that it's buried under so much stuff that the only way to get it out from get yourself out from underneath it is to sort of pull something out of the closet, and maybe the whole closet will come down on you.
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Um and I'm up for preventing that wherever possible, and you know you do that by cleaning out your closet, but and I mean that of your soul, but sometimes you open up a closet and something it just falls on your head and clunk it clonked.
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So if you get cloned or you find yourself in a space where you've been blindsided, or you're worried so much about something that you're you know so hyper-focused, maybe but nothing's happening there, but you keep looking there.
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Maybe you look somewhere else, look somewhere that you don't usually look.
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And I mean this could be in the caverns of your mind, and again, moving helps with this, like crocheting, you're doing your hand the do because it it can distract you and allow your unconscious to speak to you in a way than it maybe if you're just sitting, just sitting works, but you that takes sometimes it could be like you're just um daydreaming.
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So, in other audios I've podcasts, I've talked to this about like as as a metacognitive exercise, you know, like this is metacognition where you're paying attention to your thoughts, but sometimes when these things are very damning because you're working with material that involves shame, moving, um doing a lot of like let's say moving around uh while you're with the material can help, can help a lot.
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Um so this week's message is if you have an area you're struggling in or something you're endlessly worried about, go to where the shame is.
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Be really, really gentle.
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Sit in there, let that wonder about it, wonder about it as a construct, wonder about the vows you took, you know, the places you don't want to look because you're too ashamed to go there yourself.
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It's your own judgment, it's not even anyone else's.
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Maybe, you know, another person would think you're so even brave for even trying, because they don't do that, they just keep insulting people, you know, like and they're like, I give up.
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Um, or they keep getting insulted.
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This is to wrap up, this is very interesting.
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Sometimes people are victims of these types of things.
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Like today I was exploring more when we dish it out, but a lot of times the people who get surprised when someone comes at them is because they themselves have been have been have been trespassed against themselves, right?
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So it's like you're ashamed that you're trespassing, but you're ashamed you've been trespassed against, and you don't know how to sit in the middle of that.
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Because a lot of times that is what has happened.
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And because again, you have a blind spot because you learn to be that way in certain situations.
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You don't know there's another way to be, you don't know there's you could go to your heart to defend yourself, you don't have to be defensive, and this is where all of that stuff comes from.
00:29:27.839 --> 00:29:30.799
It's all when we're defensive, we can't see.
00:29:31.839 --> 00:29:36.880
So it's hard, it's actually truly hard.
00:29:37.039 --> 00:29:40.400
This is really the in my opinion, the hardest.
00:29:41.200 --> 00:29:49.440
This is the hardest shame is the hardest thing in life uh to deal with, um, in my opinion, from an intern.
00:29:49.759 --> 00:29:53.519
It's like that's um where we feel death.
00:29:53.599 --> 00:30:00.480
It's like that's when you die, but you're still alive, is the shame experiences, and people just rather exit.
00:30:01.359 --> 00:30:10.880
But it's also where the greatest experiences of our life or life lessons are, you know, it's just these paradoxes.
00:30:11.440 --> 00:30:22.960
So go gentle with yourself if you're struggling with any of these things and see if you can sit into them more and not run and wonder.
00:30:23.680 --> 00:30:27.759
And no matter what the outcome is, it's okay.
00:30:28.720 --> 00:30:31.680
So thanks for walking with me today.
00:30:32.000 --> 00:30:34.240
Um, I hope this was helpful.
00:30:34.400 --> 00:30:36.400
And walk with me again soon.
00:00:03.919 --> 00:00:04.799
Good morning.
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Welcome to Body Dr.
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Walk and Talk with a Brooke.
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Live from my neighborhood.
00:00:18.239 --> 00:00:36.320
Today I feel like wondering about um, you know, the things that we worry about happening, or maybe even anticipate on some level happening, things that we fear.
00:00:37.759 --> 00:00:52.000
And often what happens is that, and I don't mean this so much in a positive way, I just sort of mean that we have blind spots.
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And a lot of times I think what happens is we're focused on places we're not blind because we're afraid of, you know, or maybe overfocused, or maybe the word would maybe be hyper-vigilant.
00:01:08.159 --> 00:01:14.319
Um, and what that implies then is there are other there's other things we're not paying attention to.
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And that's just the case.
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We don't we can only pay attention as humans to so many things at one time.
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So that's kind of like, well, old school when you used to need to remember phone numbers, there's like the certain number of digits that you you could remember, you know, from that back when we had to remember.
00:01:37.920 --> 00:01:42.319
Um so it's kind of like there's only so much input you're gonna get.
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And I tell people this a lot, especially when it's connected to memory, that um that memory has to do with what you attend to.
00:02:05.040 --> 00:02:09.680
So if you don't put your attention there, you're not gonna remember it.
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So if you're really scattered, that's why a lot of times people don't remember things because they didn't attend to them to begin with.
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And I think as we get older or if we're overwhelmed emotionally, you know, or we're distracted, we don't remember because we didn't attend.
00:02:25.120 --> 00:02:27.120
So that's like a little tidbit.
00:02:28.000 --> 00:02:32.879
So um, so I think this is for me.
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I hate, I mean, every human has blind spots, but especially if that blind spot could could um harm another, let's say, or could be harmful to yourself.
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And and yesterday I was talking with someone, and she was talking about how she wished that she could have parented differently, but she didn't know what she didn't know.
00:03:02.479 --> 00:03:08.879
You know, that's what we were talking about, and that she carries around a lot of upset about that.
00:03:09.840 --> 00:03:15.199
Um but it's like no one gives you a parenting manual.
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Um, and people say this, but like let's say people don't give you a life manual, and even if you get some life manuals, you still it's still kind of like you're winging it, it feels like a lot of the time, you know, and and um that's okay, but we have to give ourselves a significant amount of grace, I think, if we're to understand that these places in our psyche and our way of being, they're not accessible to us until until they are.
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And a lot of times it's because someone someone shows that to us.
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So this woman, you know, she talked about, and I hear this, I hear this a lot.
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It's not she's like pretty archetypal, like, you know, maybe that's why she liked her, you know, father more, because he treated her better.
00:04:16.800 --> 00:04:20.879
But there was never any ill intent.
00:04:21.920 --> 00:04:44.480
So when we, let's say, zig where maybe we should have zagged or we behaved in a way that wasn't well received, you know, by another, we we don't, we really don't always know we're doing it, you know, we don't know.
00:04:45.199 --> 00:05:12.639
So it's it's about the lessons, it's about the learnings, and it's about not being overly critical with yourself when um you make these points of discovery, because I think that sometimes when people carry shame around certain areas of their existence, like you know, the type of things where you promised you would never be a certain way.
00:05:12.800 --> 00:05:28.240
You saw a parent be that way, you promised you wouldn't be that way, and then as you get older, you realize um that it your parents didn't just end up being that way either, right?
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Um or any other value take if you're not a parent, ways you promised yourself you would just never be, never be to yourself.
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Um and then that shows up.
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You're being that.
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Um so we have to go really gently on these things.
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Um and we try to get on top of them.
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I mean, I try to get on top of them, and it just sometimes it'll just make it worse because it's almost we have to relax into what we're ashamed of in order to see these things, not not run from that.
00:06:10.160 --> 00:06:16.720
Or maybe where we're most challenged, you know, like not to run from where we're most challenged inside.
00:06:17.519 --> 00:06:22.399
And yet still, yet still, it you could be blind.
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You know, that's the idea.
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I was blind, now I can see, type of thing.
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That's the, in my opinion, that's the meaning of that.
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So, um, if you were blind, but now you can see, um well, maybe you're not gonna like what you see.
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You know, it's just because I think we go blind around the things we don't want to see.
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And so that's what it's like, you know, some people say things.
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Like when people are very empathic, they detect that what people are saying is not necessarily the truth about or about maybe they it's kind of like um if you listen to people's words but you don't pay attention to what they do, um you're not really honing in on what you actually see.
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You know, like you're not letting you're not actually honing in on the person.
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And I I think that's because of this type of phenomenon that we have where we're we're blinded, where we're occluded, you know, because the space in our childhoods kind of numbs us out.
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Another word is like depersonalized.
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We we don't we don't know what we don't know.
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Um and we can't, I'm gonna use the word fixed.
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I don't love this word, but we can't fix what we yet to know.
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We can't fix what we yet to know.
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So once we know it, we can fix it.
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But before we know it, we can't.
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And sometimes it takes a punch in the face for that to happen because we literally were you know walking around doing something that we didn't want to be doing, legit.
00:08:35.919 --> 00:08:37.759
So then we're like, that's the whole point.
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You have to sit into the shame, and we run from shame like the plague.
00:08:42.080 --> 00:08:45.840
Now, if you want to talk about shame, shame's a construct.
00:08:46.720 --> 00:08:57.919
So this is kind of like um, you know, you know, some a lot of people would be like, I want everyone to like me.
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I'm a pleaser, I want everyone to like me.
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And I usually think in terms of a third of the people a third of the people are gonna like you, third people not gonna like you, and a third of people not gonna care at all.
00:09:13.919 --> 00:09:15.600
The third, the third, the third rule.
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We could argue that in no matter how talented you are, no matter what you're doing, no matter what you're not doing, this would be true.
00:09:25.200 --> 00:09:32.080
So this isn't about whether or not you're talented, whether or not you're good at something, this is just let's say the general opinion.
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And even like, you know, people could be like, oh no, she's good at that, but I don't like her.
00:09:36.480 --> 00:09:36.799
Right?
00:09:36.960 --> 00:09:47.200
So this isn't about um morning, morning, the truth of what you are.
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It's not about that.
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This is more about just the nature of humans.
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So you know so not everyone's gonna like you, right?
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So if you let's say you overhear people someone talking about you, or they communicate to you their feelings, um, and you had no idea what they were talking about, like you didn't really understand because you didn't see the circumstances from their point of view, like almost like you're dumbfounded, they would feel this way about you.
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Um and you're not even, you know, you know, you're you're blind, you're blind to it.
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And this is because let's say when you were a kid, um that behavior was something that would be normal in your family, the behavior that the other person was like, you s I can't believe you're a whatever, but you don't know you're a whatever because you're so busy being yourself, you don't have any other access.
00:11:02.639 --> 00:11:08.159
Like someone said, like, well, I I didn't get access to real life when I was a kid.
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That's why I have these all these blind spots, that's why I can be so mean.
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That's what like you know, people who've been treated meanly, they can be mean, and they don't want they so desperately don't want to be mean.
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Or people who were dominant, you know, kind of dominated or oppressed, they become dominating or oppressive, and that's the last thing they want to be.
00:11:31.919 --> 00:11:43.679
But it's sort of this unconscious um navigation space, and you don't know, you know, you don't you don't know, like you think you should know.
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I mean, it's it's obvious, like you would know when you're being mean, or you'd be able to stop it, you know, but no, you might not, and that's because of this childhood phenomenon where you get born to a family, it's all you know, everybody's born to a family, it's all they know, and that's what you know, what if you want to think about what karma means, that's karma.
00:12:10.960 --> 00:12:19.759
So the way you process your emotions, what you're told about who you are, what you're told about that you're the habits.
00:12:20.080 --> 00:12:35.279
You have like another example of talking to someone about how you know their mom wasn't really into putting on any makeup, and so she feels uncomfortable like when she wants to put makeup on.
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And it's really because there was really not there was no room to disagree in her family system.
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You really couldn't, because um, because you just that made that made, and this is what happens, that makes parents very nervous.
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This is if I'm gonna go back to the which I know I let go of the shame um construct here.
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Just uh taking a minute because it's shifting my clothing here because in-between weather.
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Um there's a lot here also.
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Lots of stuff here from the storm.
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Um so sorry about that interruption.
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So if you if you're if so, like the point is she was like, I didn't get access to real life, right, because her ex her experience was extreme.
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So let's say she didn't have a moderate childhood, she had a more extreme childhood.
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And that's a thing.
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That's actually a thing, and and it's a thing because if your programs in a certain way, and that programming has like a glitch, a disturbance, a I don't know.
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Um, you know, or it's just upsetting.
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And that's what you know, then that's what you know.
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You know, like that's that's the settings, that's the settings in your neurology, that's the settings in your brain, and it is all you know.
00:14:43.679 --> 00:14:49.519
And you don't know what you don't know, and that's true for every single human, no, no matter what your experience is.
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And I think that when we separate later, often like when when we separate from the when we separate from our families and we move into the world, this is why sometimes we have trouble.
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Right?
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We have trouble because um because this is where our point of discovery about this.
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Because we have left the home and we go out into the world, and we can see the difference between what we experience and others experience, because we now get a chance to see this.
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And we could see it in any direction.
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It could you could see your experience a positive, negative, neutral direction, but now there's a basis of comparison.
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And this is with the point where you know this increased separation from your family, because you could see this.
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Also, it happens if you lived at home a long time and then you move away.
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You can see.
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Uh, because you have space, space to reflect, space to see.
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You can maybe have new people in your life that are mirrors and can show you, like reflect back to you other experiences.
00:16:24.080 --> 00:16:46.559
So if so that's so the bottom line is if there's this thing the unconscious mind does, so if we have had a rough time in our childhoods, we will repress or forget those experiences.
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Here comes the blind spot.
00:16:47.919 --> 00:17:21.759
So if you were in relationship regularly to difficult parents who over and over and over again made you feel sad and upset, even when that was not a reasonable navigation or negotiation, then you could really shut down a lot of your antenna around these types of people because these are the types of people you know.
00:17:23.279 --> 00:17:37.599
So you have a blind spot, you don't know that those types of people maybe stay away from them because that's all you know, or you you know there's certain triggers in your life so that make you upset.
00:17:37.680 --> 00:17:46.079
So maybe you need to stay away from them, but you think, well, then I'll have no friends, or then I'll have no connections, or then I'll have no life, you know.
00:17:46.240 --> 00:17:50.480
So I have to stay with these people because otherwise I'll have nothing.
00:17:50.559 --> 00:17:57.119
Because and it then it becomes the why can everybody else tolerate the why am I so sensitive?
00:17:57.279 --> 00:17:58.880
Why can't everybody else tolerate this?
00:17:59.039 --> 00:18:38.319
And and I can't, um, and that that's also there are different levels of tolerances to others as a result of the programming and your neurology and who you are, and so I think what I'm really most trying to get at is we can be accountable to our blind spots, but we really cannot blame ourselves for our blind spots because it's not really reasonable to do that.
00:18:38.960 --> 00:18:48.480
So if we go back to that idea of shame and we don't sit into our shame, shame's so it's like it's like the parents shame for control, right?
00:18:48.559 --> 00:18:52.880
They shame because they they want to make sure you're gonna be okay.
00:18:53.200 --> 00:19:20.160
Want to make sure you're gonna be okay, and according to their definition of what okay is, and so they're gonna kind of make you form you, that's what the heritage wants, into their um into their uh the form of what it is they want you to be because it makes them feel comfortable.
00:19:20.720 --> 00:19:51.920
Because if you go outside, like let's say, like, you know, the woman with the makeup, she looks so pretty when she puts a little makeup on, and it makes the parents uncomfortable because they're Catholic, and you know, there's all the sex shit that is all wrapped up in it, and so they hold that back, and then there's you know, and so then she then then she's shamed when she puts the makeup on.
00:19:52.480 --> 00:19:54.480
Okay, so it's a construct.
00:19:54.720 --> 00:19:58.960
You go to one culture, they shame one thing, you go to another culture, they shame another thing.
00:19:59.200 --> 00:20:12.079
One place you have to wear makeup, or you know, you're not pretty enough, the other, and they're gonna make you wear it the other place, they're like, don't wear the makeup, you're gonna be, you know, you're asking for trouble, you know.
00:20:12.400 --> 00:20:17.519
So this these types of things are it's complicated to be a human.
00:20:18.160 --> 00:20:33.359
And so I think what I'm saying is I I encourage all of you that to the best of your ability, not when you feel really uncomfortable, not to run from it and to to work yourself into it to look at it.
00:20:33.920 --> 00:20:43.440
Um and you know, this is where there's like kind of like how how can you process your thoughts better?
00:20:43.519 --> 00:20:46.559
Sometimes it's like you walk, you can process them better.
00:20:46.720 --> 00:20:50.160
You know, you can process your shame, and I mean process spooky thoughts.
00:20:50.240 --> 00:20:55.920
Like, you know, sometimes it's hard to sit with them, but or you can uh draw, doodle.
00:20:56.160 --> 00:21:06.319
Uh people have all different artistic ways that they outlets they have to be able to sit with this kind of material.
00:21:06.880 --> 00:21:25.759
So, you know, so they they the idea of meditation, right, is to allow us to sit and be able to reflect on our thought, like our programming, to be able to see it, to enter a different state of consciousness, so we can see beyond our thoughts.
00:21:26.000 --> 00:21:32.640
And as and we can sit into that and we can watch our thoughts all at the same all at the same time.
00:21:33.599 --> 00:21:36.640
Um and and that's interesting.
00:21:37.119 --> 00:21:38.880
It's an interesting exercise.
00:21:38.960 --> 00:21:54.480
But I find with this heavier stuff, the stuff that like feels really, really bad, like after you discover it, or after you do it, or after you know it, um it's a like or you in other words, like you're you're faced with your shame.
00:21:54.720 --> 00:21:56.400
You're faced with your shame.
00:21:56.799 --> 00:21:59.759
Inside, outside, doesn't matter if you could.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:04.000
Sit into it and you can watch it.
00:22:05.920 --> 00:22:18.480
Um then you have a deeper level of awareness.
00:22:18.559 --> 00:22:23.359
I'm not saying we cure blind spots or anything like that.
00:22:23.440 --> 00:22:34.960
I'm just saying you have a better chance of knowing what causes your suffering if you go where the suffering is and the shame thing.
00:22:35.599 --> 00:22:43.039
That's often a you know a big piece of where we suffer because it hurts very much to be shamed.
00:22:43.279 --> 00:22:45.119
It hurts very, very, very much.
00:22:45.599 --> 00:22:57.599
Um and how people perceive shame, like you know, you could be, you could, I was gonna say it this way, but I don't really believe it, not this extreme, but you could be giving someone a compliment and they feel shame.
00:22:57.920 --> 00:23:02.880
Actually, no, that's that's that's not that's not a crazy concept, actually.
00:23:03.359 --> 00:23:13.839
So um, and that can be very uncomfortable, especially if uh those compliment types of compliments were shamed growing up.
00:23:15.279 --> 00:23:25.039
Maybe a compliment of a man, you know, that we go back to the earlier fear of sexuality because of Catholic dogma.
00:23:25.920 --> 00:23:36.079
So I think just what I the purpose of like this exploration today is to sort of be like, be open to what you don't know instead of closed.
00:23:36.319 --> 00:23:43.839
And if it shows itself, you know, do your best you can to embrace it and study it.
00:23:44.319 --> 00:23:56.720
Not only so you can prevent yourself from suffering as much, you know, the whole idea pain is inevitable, suffering is uh choice.
00:23:57.519 --> 00:24:05.039
Um and the suffering piece would be this it's like the places we shame ourselves still.
00:24:05.759 --> 00:24:13.039
And um when, you know, that's not really that's really because of a blind spot.
00:24:13.599 --> 00:24:15.839
Because there's no need to shame ourselves.
00:24:16.000 --> 00:24:43.359
There's a need to be aware of ourselves, but the shame and the judgment, even though we were gonna do it, it's it keeps us from being our best self because we don't give ourselves a chance to have these massive imperfections, especially if we took vows that we would not hurt others the way that we had been hurt.
00:24:43.519 --> 00:24:46.720
And I say vows, it's like I don't mean formal vows.
00:24:46.799 --> 00:24:53.440
I you know, I mean like you're fighting with your mommy 15, and you're like, I'll never be like her.
00:24:53.680 --> 00:24:56.400
I'll never treat someone else like this.
00:24:57.200 --> 00:25:08.319
And you then discover that you're you're you're doing that very thing.
00:25:08.559 --> 00:25:14.880
Even outside or inside, it doesn't really matter actually, because the inside becomes the outside, the outside becomes the inside.
00:25:16.720 --> 00:25:27.599
And when we reach that discovery point, sometimes we see, because if we've been blind to it, we we see why.
00:25:27.920 --> 00:25:49.519
Because the fear has been so overwhelming, and the shame has been so overwhelming in the original programming that it's buried under so much stuff that the only way to get it out from get yourself out from underneath it is to sort of pull something out of the closet, and maybe the whole closet will come down on you.
00:25:50.160 --> 00:26:11.200
Um and I'm up for preventing that wherever possible, and you know you do that by cleaning out your closet, but and I mean that of your soul, but sometimes you open up a closet and something it just falls on your head and clunk it clonked.
00:26:12.160 --> 00:26:36.880
So if you get cloned or you find yourself in a space where you've been blindsided, or you're worried so much about something that you're you know so hyper-focused, maybe but nothing's happening there, but you keep looking there.
00:26:37.039 --> 00:26:40.799
Maybe you look somewhere else, look somewhere that you don't usually look.
00:26:40.960 --> 00:27:03.200
And I mean this could be in the caverns of your mind, and again, moving helps with this, like crocheting, you're doing your hand the do because it it can distract you and allow your unconscious to speak to you in a way than it maybe if you're just sitting, just sitting works, but you that takes sometimes it could be like you're just um daydreaming.
00:27:04.079 --> 00:27:37.440
So, in other audios I've podcasts, I've talked to this about like as as a metacognitive exercise, you know, like this is metacognition where you're paying attention to your thoughts, but sometimes when these things are very damning because you're working with material that involves shame, moving, um doing a lot of like let's say moving around uh while you're with the material can help, can help a lot.
00:27:37.839 --> 00:27:53.519
Um so this week's message is if you have an area you're struggling in or something you're endlessly worried about, go to where the shame is.
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Be really, really gentle.
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Sit in there, let that wonder about it, wonder about it as a construct, wonder about the vows you took, you know, the places you don't want to look because you're too ashamed to go there yourself.
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It's your own judgment, it's not even anyone else's.
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Maybe, you know, another person would think you're so even brave for even trying, because they don't do that, they just keep insulting people, you know, like and they're like, I give up.
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Um, or they keep getting insulted.
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This is to wrap up, this is very interesting.
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Sometimes people are victims of these types of things.
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Like today I was exploring more when we dish it out, but a lot of times the people who get surprised when someone comes at them is because they themselves have been have been have been trespassed against themselves, right?
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So it's like you're ashamed that you're trespassing, but you're ashamed you've been trespassed against, and you don't know how to sit in the middle of that.
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Because a lot of times that is what has happened.
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And because again, you have a blind spot because you learn to be that way in certain situations.
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You don't know there's another way to be, you don't know there's you could go to your heart to defend yourself, you don't have to be defensive, and this is where all of that stuff comes from.
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It's all when we're defensive, we can't see.
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So it's hard, it's actually truly hard.
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This is really the in my opinion, the hardest.
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This is the hardest shame is the hardest thing in life uh to deal with, um, in my opinion, from an intern.
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It's like that's um where we feel death.
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It's like that's when you die, but you're still alive, is the shame experiences, and people just rather exit.
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But it's also where the greatest experiences of our life or life lessons are, you know, it's just these paradoxes.
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So go gentle with yourself if you're struggling with any of these things and see if you can sit into them more and not run and wonder.
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And no matter what the outcome is, it's okay.
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So thanks for walking with me today.
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Um, I hope this was helpful.
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And walk with me again soon.
