People-Pleasing, Perfectionism & Survival Mode: Why You're Not the Problem

WEBVTT
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We as women, I think too, we are constantly performing and we are constantly
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doing all the things that we think are going to make us, you know,
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loved, valuable, you know, worthy, all of it. And it's not who we are.
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These masks that we wear, this performance that we put on, it's not our true selves.
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We often think that we are. Oh, that's just how I am. Just become so normalized
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to it that we don't even think to question. Is this me?
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How in the hell are we supposed to know who we actually are?
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It's a crazy question, but so often we don't know the answer to it.
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And I think the tendency is for women to look internally.
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Like, it's the last thing in the world for us to go, oh, well,
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maybe I'm not the problem. Maybe it's this other stuff. Like,
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the go-to is, well, there's something I'm doing.
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Welcome to Drinks with the Girls, conversations for women over 40 around connection,
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change, and the power of female friendship.
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Living well with stories to tell. I'm Karen, and this is Lisa.
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We are moms and solopreneurs stepping into our own, diving into real conversations
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about things that matter to women in midlife.
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We're here to spill the tea on everything that affects women in their 40s and beyond.
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Topics like loss and grief, changing relationships, launching kids,
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meds, menopause, and reinventing ourselves in midlife. We are here to tackle it all.
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Connect with us through a blend of our lived experiences, our friendship,
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the memory of our moms, plus a collection of real stories, honest conversations,
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and engaging interviews that will make women over 40 feel seen
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and remind them that they're not alone on this journey called life. Let's go.
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Welcome back to another episode of Drinks with the Girls. Today,
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we're going to be talking about why your behavior patterns that might not be
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the best for you, they're actually there to try to protect you.
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And today we have a guest. Her name is Lori Montre. She is a somatic healing
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practitioner, which I want to hear all about.
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She's the author of You're Not the Problem, and she's a creator of The Freedom
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Framework, which is a nervous system-based roadmap for sustainable behavior change, which I love.
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So I have to tell you what I'm drinking first. And today is the first day in
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the history of Drinks with the Girls I have forgotten to get a drink.
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Did you look over there and were you like, oh, what's what's missing?
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I have my water.
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Man, I've never done that. You know, anyway, I do have a refrigerator of drinks
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over there, But we don't want to delay the podcast. So, Lisa, what are you drinking?
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I can vamp while you go get something from the drinks with the girls' non-branded fridge.
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I always like what you pull out of there. I am just doing the millennial cigarette,
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McDonald's Diet Coke, keeping it pure and simple.
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It's that kind of a day. So, Laura, you want to introduce yourself to our fabulous
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audience and tell us what you're drinking and then tell us a little bit about yourself.
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Yeah, I'd love to. So I'm actually drinking a concoction. I'm known for my concoctions.
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This one is a blueberry green tea, but I didn't stop there.
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I added a sparkling water and a pretty healthy splash of pineapple ginger juice.
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Yum. That sounds delicious. Pineapple ginger juice. Wait, we got to unpack that.
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Is that like fresh squeezed or something?
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No, I did not squeeze this.
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I mean, no shame if it's not, but I'm like, where do I get this magical elixir? That sounds lovely.
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Yeah. I mean, the pineapple ginger, I got it sprouts.
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So yeah, you could totally do that. It's got, you know, anti-inflammatory.
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It's got the pineapple goodness. So.
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That sounds good. Yeah. I'm a fan of like stand tall and wear a crown. So.
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Nice.
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So Lori, tell us how, first of all, how did you get into your work being,
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well, let us know also, what is a somatic healing practitioner?
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How did you get into that work? And how did you find yourself the author of your book?
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Yeah, yeah. Well, I hope you have a minute because this is a rather circuitous route.
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But so what is somatic healing or somatic work in general? You know,
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somatics, It comes from the Greek word for body, which is soma.
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And really the work involves understanding that we're not just heads walking
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around on these bones and tissues and things.
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That our body is actually a very important part of how we make decisions,
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how we feel, how we think.
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A very important part of our being. And we can actually use it when we learn
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to understand it and speak its language.
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We can actually use it as a much more reliable compass and guide than our mind could ever be.
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And so somatics really teaches how we can understand what's going on in the
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body and then how to use that in order to create, help us create the lives that we want to.
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As far as how I got here, you know, they say that we teach what we need to learn.
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And that was certainly the case for me. So, you know, my story very much mimics
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the book and my work, naturally, because that's how I came to build it and to put it together.
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But I had a lot of circumstances in my early childhood, and those circumstances
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caused to me to develop certain adaptations because that's what we humans do.
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We're constantly adapting to our circumstances and our environment.
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So I developed certain patterns of thought, such as, if I perfect myself,
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people will stop doing bad things to me. People will love me, right?
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Wonderful adapted thought. I developed adaptations of the nervous system.
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I became hypervigilant and also learned how to basically shut down when things got too much.
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And I developed patterns of behavior. So people-pleasing and perfectionism and emotional eating.
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And then I went on to build a life around those adaptations.
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And a life built on adaptations is not an authentic life.
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And it's very often a very painful life.
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And so the life that I created was not authentic to who I was.
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And I honestly looked around one day and I realized that all of the things that
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I thought was going to bring me happiness and peace did not.
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You know, I had graduated from the Harvard Law School. I was married with six beautiful children.
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I had a big house and, and, you know, from the outside looking in,
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you'd be like, oh, how lovely.
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And it was not lovely at all.
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And I was miserable. And so that's when I realized that the things that I was
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counting on to bring me peace, joy, happiness were not the things that were going to work.
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And so I was left in a space of wondering, well, now what?
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If that's not going to do it for me, what the hell will? And that was a very
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confusing and scary moment.
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But it was also the moment when I decided that I was going to have to figure it out.
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And that's when I dove into the
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world of behavior change and trauma and somatics and the nervous system.
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And through that exploration for myself, I learned what I needed to in order to.
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Start to shift my life into something that was true to, to who I am.
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And it took a while, but eventually I left my career and began practicing because
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I thought, man, if one person can have the experience that I had, it's totally worth it.
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It, it is a completely different life over here.
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And it is my absolute joy to get up and, and show other people through the framework,
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how they can have that for.
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Themselves trauma really does haunt people
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in a lot of ways like in like straight up right it's something that you can't
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quite see but is there it appears when you're getting comfortable and scares
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the crap out of you i mean like
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legit that's like literally what it does so
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in terms of i guess my first question would be
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what brought you to what you're doing now like what was the the thing that you
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were like okay i need to understand my nervous system i need to understand how
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somatic works like what what gave you there instead of you know another direction
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Yeah. And I love this question because in all honesty, my journey looked like
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one of those corn mazes that we see around Halloween time.
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Right. It's like turn left. Nope.
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Okay.
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Oh, my boots are stuck in the mud over here. It was, I didn't know where I was headed.
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Right. And it was really like following breadcrumbs.
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And I tried on a lot of things. I tried on a lot of things that worked.
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I tried on a lot of things that didn't work.
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And what was frustrating is that there wasn't a single place where I could go
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to find all of the pieces kind of all in one stop.
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And so that's really what I wanted for in order to share with other people is
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kind of here's all the pieces put together because there's mind work, right?
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There's the somatic piece. There's the nervous system. And then underlying all
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of that is our adaptations.
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What we learned and formulated as a result of those experiences.
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And I just want to be really clear that we don't only adapt to trauma.
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We adapt to everything that we experience.
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So for one person, we might be talking about an adaptation they developed because
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the kind of care that was available wasn't the kind of care that they needed.
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And it wasn't that the care that was offered, you know, was necessarily negligent,
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or anything, but it wasn't what was needed.
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There wasn't that match there, right? It could be not being invited to the kindergarten birthday party.
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It can be being bullied at school, right? It doesn't need to be the kind of
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trauma that rises to a particular level in order for you to have had made these adaptations, right?
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I think this is so powerful. And this is, this is very, like,
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it gives me goosebumps to think that listeners might be hearing some of these
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things for the first time and be like, oh my gosh, okay, it's not just me.
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Or I, I, I don't feel alone in this. This is making sense. Right.
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And so that's exciting for me.
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And by the way, when you talked about corn mazes, I hate those fucking things.
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Right.
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I, those, no, I, those are hard paths for me,
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but that visual of what you were explaining was so apropos because it's like,
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yes, that's, you know, when you do,
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you know, get through parts of our lives, you know, some, some are smoother
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than others, but when you, you are in these stages where you do feel stuck and
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you feel like, oh my gosh, something has to change. It is like a corn maze.
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You know, you, you turn left and you think, okay, this is the way.
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And then, no, definitely not.
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The other thing that was like a light bulb for me is when you said,
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you know, these adaptations are not our authentic self.
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Like that made me kind of go, like take in my breath a little bit because it's like, oh, my gosh.
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It kind of makes me emotional, actually, because we as women,
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I think, too, we are constantly performing and we are constantly...
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Doing all the things that we think are going to make us, you know,
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loved, valuable, you know, worthy, all of it. And it's not who we are.
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These masks that we wear, this performance that we put on, it's not our true selves.
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That's so important what you said because we often think that we are.
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Oh, that's just how I am, you know, because it happened so early in most cases.
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And we've just become so normalized to it that we don't even think to question, is this me?
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And when we don't know, like I didn't know who I was, I had never experienced that before.
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So how in the hell are we supposed to know who we actually are?
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It's a crazy question, but so often we don't know the answer to it.
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And I think the tendency is for women to look internally. Like,
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it's the last thing in the world for us to go, oh,
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well, maybe I'm not the problem. Maybe it's this other stuff.
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Like the go-to is, well, there's something I'm doing.
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Like that, and I'm not saying everybody's like that, but more often than not,
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that's kind of the first.
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Hey there, I'm Lisa Coracella McDowell, your midlife Pacific Northwest princess,
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here to guide you in the art of next leveling your life.
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I'm passionate about women's health and wellness in midlife,
00:13:50.319 --> 00:13:53.546
especially for moms parenting kids with unique needs like I do.
00:13:54.005 --> 00:13:58.007
I truly believe we can learn, grow, advocate, and care for the planet while
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taking care of ourselves and our families. And I'd love to help you do the same.
00:14:01.459 --> 00:14:05.687
And I'm beyond excited to tell you about my membership for maxed out mamas just
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like me, the Empowered Parent Collective. It's a space for parents to confidently
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advocate for their kids, build inclusive communities, educate themselves,
00:14:13.377 --> 00:14:15.507
and find balance and support along the way.
00:14:15.872 --> 00:14:18.947
To find out more about the Empowered Parent Collective, my classes,
00:14:18.947 --> 00:14:23.707
wellness offerings, parenting tips, advocacy resources, and exclusive drinks
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with the girls goodies, head to next level life with lisa.com
00:14:27.870 --> 00:14:31.429
let's survive and thrive in the messy middle together first thing people think
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so it sounds like you went through that piece so what made me made you finally
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kind of that penny drop and be like oh
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i wonder if this isn't me it's actually whatever my circumstances the trauma
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like what what was kind of the thing that turned that light bulb on for you
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Yeah, it was a little bit unrelated, but it was the start of that light bulb
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coming on. And what it was, was I signed up for a interview series.
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And the series was about our behaviors with food.
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And at the time, I had been an emotional eater for decades.
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And I was signing up because I wanted to learn like, okay, I've been trying
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every single thing for forever.
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And I want this interview series to tell me what is the thing that's going to
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allow me to control myself.
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And instead, that interview series talked about a lot of the reasons why we
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have the relationship with food that we do.
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And it was centered more on, it had more of like a food addiction slant,
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but it did something powerful for me.
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It gave me the opportunity to say, huh,
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I wonder if I'm not the problem,
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and hence the title of the book many many years later because,
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even trying on the idea that maybe I wasn't the problem,
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allowed me to start asking different questions and to view myself differently
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and it was fascinating to find out why I did the things that I did.
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And it was such a relief. There was so much, there was so much less confusion
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and certainly less shame.
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Just that word relief, I think is very powerful because it's like, oh, phew.
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Yeah. Now I know why I overthink every single decision I make ad nauseum,
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you know, or things like that. It's like, oh, okay.
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Things start are starting to make sense.
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Well, and that image of the masking thing, like my daughter's neurodivergent
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and she was diagnosed with autism until she was 13.
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And without, I mean, listeners have heard me tell the story,
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but for the longest time, we thought it was some type of a sleeping disorder,
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like narcolepsy or something, because she would just fall asleep.
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And teachers would be like, she's faking it, like this and that.
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Yeah, we went to a sleep specialist the whole nine yards.
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Well, come to find out that she was, are you familiar with girls and autism
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and the concept of masking at all?
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No, not really. The tiny version of it is exactly what you described, right?
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But girls with autism tend to do that on steroids, this idea of masking and
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looking around and looking for
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social cues to put on them that isn't who they are, but to pass, right?
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And again, without going down the rabbit hole of why it's overdiagnosed and
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this and that and the other.
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And so bottom line was she was so exhausted from doing that,
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her body just shut down and she went to sleep.
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And so I really identify that idea with this mask that you put on that you think
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is palatable to the outside world.
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And how do you take that off and say, well, I don't really care if you like
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the unmasked version. Yeah.
00:17:55.321 --> 00:18:00.018
That's me, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how do you begin to pick that apart?
00:18:00.678 --> 00:18:05.780
Yeah. And it sounds so brave, right? And there's, you know, a version of us
00:18:05.780 --> 00:18:10.239
that, you know, I think really longs for all of us to be able to say that,
00:18:10.721 --> 00:18:12.194
like, you know, I'm just going to be me.
00:18:12.409 --> 00:18:16.014
But if one of the adapted beliefs is, you know,
00:18:16.770 --> 00:18:23.650
if I actually do show up in the world as I really am, not who others want me
00:18:23.650 --> 00:18:27.751
to be or need me to be, then I'm not going to be loved.
00:18:28.459 --> 00:18:34.840
And if that's an adapted belief, and I'll also say that we come hardwired into
00:18:34.840 --> 00:18:38.356
our DNA, the desire to fit into the group.
00:18:38.867 --> 00:18:44.556
Because if we, you know, sprained an ankle or caught the flu or whatever,
00:18:44.980 --> 00:18:49.788
if we were alone back when we were hunters and gatherers, we would die within days.
00:18:50.421 --> 00:18:54.226
And so we really, you know, feel that.
00:18:54.597 --> 00:19:01.100
And there's nothing wrong with that. But it's also when we start to go against
00:19:01.100 --> 00:19:08.850
ourselves in order to please others that we really start to run into, you know, every manner.
00:19:09.710 --> 00:19:12.193
Of complication for our lives.
00:19:13.010 --> 00:19:19.410
We do lose touch with who we are and we very often become resentful and develop
00:19:19.410 --> 00:19:24.400
patterns like emotionally drinking scrolling whatever it is to deal with the discomfort of,
00:19:24.910 --> 00:19:31.158
showing up every day as a version of ourselves it's not true and not not authentic.
00:19:31.379 --> 00:19:36.560
What are some of the like everyday ghosts that women carry around from the past
00:19:36.560 --> 00:19:43.417
without even realizing it and what would those be protecting them from, if that makes sense?
00:19:44.405 --> 00:19:50.862
Yeah. So, you know, so many ways we could think about some of what we've already
00:19:50.862 --> 00:19:52.322
talked about, which is, you know,
00:19:52.762 --> 00:19:59.757
I, it's selfish for me to, to consider myself in, in my needs. Right.
00:20:00.123 --> 00:20:06.022
So that might present as, you know, someone who is, wants to achieve certain
00:20:06.022 --> 00:20:09.082
things, but it's going to take time and effort. Right.
00:20:09.522 --> 00:20:14.482
And she won't spend the energy on that because then that might mean that somebody
00:20:14.482 --> 00:20:18.032
is going to be disappointed when, you know, she's not cooking dinner or she
00:20:18.032 --> 00:20:21.070
didn't go to the school concert or whatever it is. Right.
00:20:21.558 --> 00:20:28.138
And and then, of course, you know, she lives her life in a way that is not fully expressed.
00:20:28.895 --> 00:20:36.632
It can look like I have to be perfect in order to be loved. And it could be
00:20:36.632 --> 00:20:38.114
perfect in a certain area.
00:20:38.293 --> 00:20:40.726
Like, you know, I need to weigh a certain number of pounds.
00:20:41.080 --> 00:20:43.651
I need to have these certain achievements.
00:20:44.069 --> 00:20:47.494
I need to, you know, have some people, I need to be married.
00:20:47.924 --> 00:20:53.142
I need to have this many kids. You know, where we have these parameters for
00:20:53.142 --> 00:20:56.062
our lives that are required for us.
00:20:56.062 --> 00:21:00.222
So that's going to present like this poor woman, right? She's showing up every
00:21:00.222 --> 00:21:06.552
day. She's exhausted. She's trying to be all of these things because her literal
00:21:06.552 --> 00:21:09.904
worth is on the line every second, you know, if she's not.
00:21:10.106 --> 00:21:15.002
And so not only is she exhausted and probably pretty miserable,
00:21:15.002 --> 00:21:21.882
but she probably has behaviors that are helping her cope with those difficult feelings.
00:21:21.882 --> 00:21:28.892
And that's so often our unwanted behaviors are just ways that we have found
00:21:28.892 --> 00:21:34.689
to meet our needs in a maladaptive way because the real need can't be met.
00:21:35.485 --> 00:21:42.519
For one reason or another, can't be in a way that's consistent with the adaptation, I should say.
00:21:42.844 --> 00:21:46.019
So those are some of the ways, you know, that shows up.
00:21:46.359 --> 00:21:48.611
And we could probably list about 100 more.
00:21:49.081 --> 00:21:55.869
So, you know, we talk about, I guess, as people that help other people with
00:21:55.869 --> 00:21:59.989
our businesses, what I hear people say a lot is the journey, right?
00:21:59.989 --> 00:22:05.868
The transformation, the I help people do something and get to something.
00:22:06.246 --> 00:22:10.088
So if you were going to fill in that blank of that transformation,
00:22:10.431 --> 00:22:15.469
what are typically the client issues that women come to you with?
00:22:15.469 --> 00:22:17.467
And what is that transformation?
00:22:17.652 --> 00:22:21.299
Like, what does it really look like on the ground in terms of how you use these
00:22:21.299 --> 00:22:24.740
tools to help them process through and get to a better place?
00:22:25.485 --> 00:22:29.455
Yeah, a lot of it is, you know, it's all centered around adaptations.
00:22:29.455 --> 00:22:32.869
So whether that is adaptations of thought.
00:22:33.333 --> 00:22:36.955
So I don't feel like I'm good enough, right?
00:22:36.955 --> 00:22:42.405
Adaptations around behavior, emotional eating, drinking, scrolling,
00:22:42.814 --> 00:22:47.755
people pleasing, shopping, gambling, you name it, right? All the things that
00:22:47.755 --> 00:22:51.312
we turn to in order to help us cope.
00:22:51.742 --> 00:22:56.475
And a big one is, you know, getting out of survival mode. And survival mode,
00:22:57.435 --> 00:23:01.413
is something that is going to impact every area of your life.
00:23:01.976 --> 00:23:05.307
Some people come when they're in overwhelm.
00:23:05.714 --> 00:23:11.333
You know, I literally can't get myself to get through my life anymore.
00:23:11.637 --> 00:23:16.535
And some people feel like they're running from tigers all day and they're starting
00:23:16.535 --> 00:23:20.999
to very often experience the health consequences of that as well.
00:23:21.721 --> 00:23:29.805
And so those are the kinds of things that we can essentially work on and that
00:23:29.805 --> 00:23:35.665
shift out of survival mode does so much with respect to what then becomes possible.
00:23:35.665 --> 00:23:43.129
Why does change feel so scary? Like if we have these adaptations and we might know in our brain
00:23:43.763 --> 00:23:48.035
that they're not good for us, you know, whether it's the behaviors or even the
00:23:48.035 --> 00:23:54.275
thoughts, like we might have the mental awareness, but making the change,
00:23:54.275 --> 00:23:58.553
like changing those behaviors can feel so hard.
00:23:59.635 --> 00:24:02.377
Why is that? And how do you help women cross that bridge?
00:24:02.997 --> 00:24:08.754
Yeah. Yeah. Do you have a thought or one that we can use as an example?
00:24:09.178 --> 00:24:12.795
Oh, yeah. Pull it out of my bag.
00:24:13.335 --> 00:24:14.303
Let me pull my...
00:24:16.181 --> 00:24:21.107
Because that kind of correlates to one of my other questions about how when
00:24:21.107 --> 00:24:24.317
one of these minor things surrounding these thoughts happen,
00:24:24.317 --> 00:24:26.700
you literally feel like you're being chased by tigers.
00:24:27.014 --> 00:24:30.167
Even though somebody else would look at you and go like, you're crazy.
00:24:30.167 --> 00:24:30.804
What are you talking about?
00:24:31.158 --> 00:24:36.247
So one of my thoughts is, because I was raised believing that conflict was really
00:24:36.247 --> 00:24:41.246
bad. Like you just, you don't make waves. You don't, we don't do conflict.
00:24:41.755 --> 00:24:49.537
So if I ever get into a conflict with somebody, it literally makes me feel like
00:24:49.537 --> 00:24:51.374
I am being chased by bears.
00:24:52.393 --> 00:24:58.194
And so the thought around that is, I must be bad. It's my fault.
00:24:58.339 --> 00:25:03.877
I'm wrong because this person has a different view. This person's upset with me,
00:25:04.661 --> 00:25:11.507
Et cetera, et cetera. Yeah. And basically it's, I can't be safe if there's conflict.
00:25:11.507 --> 00:25:14.535
I can't be safe if someone disagrees with me.
00:25:14.789 --> 00:25:19.333
And, you know, the reason why is because at some point in your life,
00:25:19.746 --> 00:25:25.290
that was true, right? And it was a very dangerous situation at the time.
00:25:26.115 --> 00:25:30.347
So, you know, maybe you were three years old and you were, there was,
00:25:30.347 --> 00:25:35.006
maybe you observed conflict or maybe, you know, you got into conflict.
00:25:35.291 --> 00:25:37.379
Maybe let's just make something up, you know.
00:25:37.693 --> 00:25:41.344
You wanted to go to the zoo, and your mom said it's time for school,
00:25:41.762 --> 00:25:46.383
and you guys got into, you know, this conflict, and,
00:25:47.207 --> 00:25:51.227
this whatever bad thing happened, you know, maybe you got a spanking,
00:25:51.227 --> 00:25:54.781
or it seemed like or felt like mom took her love away.
00:25:55.721 --> 00:26:01.137
And in that moment, and after repeated experiences, and maybe without,
00:26:01.137 --> 00:26:04.523
you know, the counterbalance type of experiences.
00:26:04.907 --> 00:26:12.674
Now your tiny system has learned, oh, conflict is really bad. Got it.
00:26:13.841 --> 00:26:22.943
And so our adaptations don't update when our circumstances do unless we create.
00:26:25.936 --> 00:26:29.177
The internal conditions for them to update.
00:26:29.769 --> 00:26:36.616
And so it doesn't matter if now you're a grown-up and nobody can tell you and
00:26:36.616 --> 00:26:40.276
then you have complete control over your life and everything.
00:26:40.276 --> 00:26:45.286
It doesn't matter. It still feels like to your system that something really
00:26:45.286 --> 00:26:48.783
bad is going to happen if there's conflict involved.
00:26:48.951 --> 00:26:54.116
The secondary part to that is, so how do you help your clients or women that
00:26:54.116 --> 00:26:56.288
come to work with you bridge that gap?
00:26:57.187 --> 00:27:02.411
Yeah. So when we can identify kind of where that came from, right,
00:27:02.411 --> 00:27:09.331
to understand, like, in my situation, I was pretty chubby as a young girl.
00:27:09.691 --> 00:27:12.861
And that led to a lot of bullying at school.
00:27:13.400 --> 00:27:17.471
And I remember when I started to look at the adapted belief that.
00:27:19.991 --> 00:27:24.931
I wasn't enough, that I wasn't worthy, I wasn't lovable, et cetera,
00:27:24.931 --> 00:27:29.760
et cetera, I started to trace back to, you know, where did I learn that?
00:27:30.154 --> 00:27:31.811
And one of the things that really,
00:27:32.291 --> 00:27:36.946
kept coming up was this boy on the bus every day on the way to school.
00:27:37.486 --> 00:27:42.351
And he will always have a comment about me. One day I wore my hair up in this
00:27:42.351 --> 00:27:45.541
little bun thing that was kind of messy, whatever.
00:27:45.611 --> 00:27:48.202
He said, you look like a pig with a fountain on your head.
00:27:48.968 --> 00:27:52.941
Another day he asked me do you paint your clothes on because they were very
00:27:52.941 --> 00:27:59.307
tight my mom actually bought me a size down to motivate me to lose weight and my clothes were lord,
00:28:00.131 --> 00:28:05.791
yeah and so as i thought about that like those were experiences and they were
00:28:05.791 --> 00:28:08.740
very real and my body held on,
00:28:09.379 --> 00:28:14.961
to the awful feelings of i would get sick to my stomach when i would see the
00:28:14.961 --> 00:28:16.531
flashing lights of the bus, you know.
00:28:18.391 --> 00:28:21.581
To tell like other cars to stop. I'd be like, oh my God, the bus is here.
00:28:22.260 --> 00:28:27.481
And so those experiences really, you know, set in stone for me,
00:28:27.481 --> 00:28:33.713
essentially for my system, that I wasn't worthy, that I was gross, that I was disgusting.
00:28:34.554 --> 00:28:41.230
And those feelings stayed with me, you know, and way, way, way into adulthood.
00:28:41.230 --> 00:28:46.610
So when I looked back at that and was able to identify some of the contributing
00:28:46.610 --> 00:28:51.023
factors to this belief, I was like, oh, my gosh, seriously?
00:28:51.458 --> 00:28:55.890
I'm going to let Randy, you know, dictate my life still, you know,
00:28:55.890 --> 00:28:58.586
from 40 years ago or whatever it is.
00:28:58.912 --> 00:29:02.420
And it really helps to put a little bit of distance there, you know,
00:29:02.420 --> 00:29:05.650
to understand, oh, that makes sense.
00:29:05.650 --> 00:29:09.870
My name is Karen Shatafian, and I am a shameless coffee addict and empowerment
00:29:09.870 --> 00:29:12.809
coach for women, and my love language is authenticity.
00:29:13.157 --> 00:29:17.552
My mission is helping women unapologetically design a life they're in love with.
00:29:17.824 --> 00:29:21.250
Because what the hell are we waiting for? My website, KarenShatafian.com,
00:29:21.250 --> 00:29:25.475
has all my coaching packages and free offers like my midlife reclamation guide.
00:29:25.758 --> 00:29:29.460
In it, you'll find tools to help you decide how to create the most inspired
00:29:29.460 --> 00:29:32.150
and empowered version of yourself and your life.
00:29:32.609 --> 00:29:36.350
You can find me on Facebook and Instagram talking about ways women can show
00:29:36.350 --> 00:29:39.627
up for themselves after decades of showing up for everyone else.
00:29:40.138 --> 00:29:43.841
Join me as we throw off the shackles and live our best freaking lives.
00:29:44.206 --> 00:29:46.720
See the show notes for all the details. Cheers.
00:29:46.854 --> 00:29:54.270
And then we actually have incredibly powerful tools that we can use to find
00:29:54.270 --> 00:29:59.508
where that pain essentially is located in our body.
00:29:59.985 --> 00:30:07.440
When I think about getting on the bus, oh my gosh, I could feel like in my stomach
00:30:07.440 --> 00:30:10.111
the knots in the tension, right?
00:30:10.459 --> 00:30:16.007
And so somatically we can go and we can tend to that, that feeling. We could do that,
00:30:17.337 --> 00:30:24.173
In many ways, but one of the ways is simply by offering that area, allowing it to be there.
00:30:24.881 --> 00:30:29.077
But this time, we're not allowing it to be there alone, sitting in the bus seat
00:30:29.077 --> 00:30:33.600
by yourself, feeling like you just want to melt into the red leather.
00:30:34.050 --> 00:30:35.602
Instead, you're there.
00:30:36.189 --> 00:30:40.447
You're holding that version of you. You're comforting that version and offering
00:30:40.447 --> 00:30:44.008
her what she needed in that moment on the bus.
00:30:44.501 --> 00:30:46.225
Love and support and care.
00:30:46.889 --> 00:30:52.157
And in that way, it starts to soften. And now you can reprogram,
00:30:52.157 --> 00:30:54.627
essentially. You can bring in something new.
00:30:55.050 --> 00:30:57.402
Well, what is true about my worth?
00:30:58.093 --> 00:31:03.757
Now that the volume on that has been turned down somatically,
00:31:04.057 --> 00:31:06.523
and my system can accept it, essentially,
00:31:07.115 --> 00:31:14.465
and now I can start the process of working with the new thoughts that I want to bring in instead.
00:31:15.097 --> 00:31:20.757
So take us through your process, right? Like client comes to you,
00:31:21.097 --> 00:31:24.937
they have issues with X. Like what's the first thing you're going to do with
00:31:24.937 --> 00:31:26.300
them? How do you, you know,
00:31:27.165 --> 00:31:31.223
assess or plan what's going to happen? What can people expect when they work with you?
00:31:31.891 --> 00:31:36.900
Yeah. So, you know, my system is really broken down into three parts.
00:31:36.900 --> 00:31:42.079
And as we talk about it, it'll become very clear why it's broken down into three parts.
00:31:42.543 --> 00:31:48.662
The first part is what book one, You're Not the Problem, is all about and what it addresses.
00:31:49.108 --> 00:31:52.480
And if you think of like what we want to build together your life,
00:31:52.480 --> 00:31:58.237
your life of authenticity, your life of peace, right? It's like a beautiful mansion.
00:31:58.910 --> 00:32:05.992
And the bottom or the foundation of that beautiful mansion is your nervous system.
00:32:06.642 --> 00:32:11.390
And if your nervous system is healthy and well-regulated, then we're going to
00:32:11.390 --> 00:32:14.541
be able to build the next two levels.
00:32:15.123 --> 00:32:21.436
And so the foundation, this concrete basement, if you will, is made up of three things.
00:32:21.628 --> 00:32:24.882
It's safety, capacity, and energy.
00:32:25.800 --> 00:32:30.803
And when we bring those to your nervous system, then we have what we need in
00:32:30.803 --> 00:32:33.532
order to work in the next two levels.
00:32:34.403 --> 00:32:39.213
So in the second level, we discover who you are, right? We talked a lot about
00:32:39.213 --> 00:32:43.638
the fact that many of us don't really know. We think we're our adaptations, but we're not.
00:32:44.126 --> 00:32:48.085
And so in the second phase, we're going to figure out who you are.
00:32:48.688 --> 00:32:53.483
And of course, the nervous system is going to help us to do that because that
00:32:53.903 --> 00:32:57.550
alignment is going to, you're going to feel it in your body.
00:32:57.666 --> 00:33:03.027
And so we're going to be able to build and figure out who might I have been
00:33:03.184 --> 00:33:05.337
had I not had those experiences.
00:33:05.935 --> 00:33:11.263
And then in the third phase, now we're well regulated. We have safety,
00:33:11.263 --> 00:33:13.470
energy, capacity. We know who we are.
00:33:13.904 --> 00:33:17.773
And in the third phase, we're going to go on to to own that and to build the
00:33:17.773 --> 00:33:24.363
life that has been seeking you essentially with with the actual structures, because you get to,
00:33:24.823 --> 00:33:29.123
phase three here and you're like, oh, my gosh, I want these 50 things.
00:33:29.483 --> 00:33:33.193
How do I bring that into being? It's like overwhelming. It's it's so much.
00:33:33.193 --> 00:33:38.733
And so that's this third phase where we learn how to bring all about those ideas
00:33:38.733 --> 00:33:41.601
into tangible real life.
00:33:42.449 --> 00:33:48.794
So that is the process. And really, it's, you know, the assessment is what's going on in your life.
00:33:49.264 --> 00:33:53.297
Like, how are you sleeping? Are you able to focus? Usually, you know,
00:33:53.297 --> 00:33:56.945
they're sharing with me what isn't working right. I don't have to go looking.
00:33:57.380 --> 00:34:03.247
They're letting me know, you know, I have these behaviors that are so frustrating
00:34:03.247 --> 00:34:06.082
me. I have these health conditions. I'm not sleeping.
00:34:06.494 --> 00:34:11.327
I, you know, I always feel like I am, you know, being chased by these tigers
00:34:11.327 --> 00:34:13.163
and bears that we've been talking about.
00:34:14.465 --> 00:34:18.837
I haven't been able to focus. It's a whole, it's the whole gamut because the
00:34:18.837 --> 00:34:23.400
nervous system impacts every area of our being.
00:34:24.207 --> 00:34:29.427
And so that's where we start with an understanding. And sometimes we start somewhere
00:34:29.427 --> 00:34:32.527
and we realize, oh, that really wasn't the problem at all.
00:34:33.020 --> 00:34:37.676
It was it was really what was was a few layers underneath and that's okay.
00:34:38.521 --> 00:34:41.023
I was just thinking of the picture of an onion where it's like,
00:34:41.348 --> 00:34:45.632
yeah, you usually have to peel some of those layers of the onion before you
00:34:45.632 --> 00:34:51.906
get to really what's going on. So what you just described, this is your freedom framework?
00:34:52.638 --> 00:34:53.972
Correct. Yeah.
00:34:54.272 --> 00:34:58.212
Okay. So I'm a coach myself. I work with midlife women.
00:34:58.552 --> 00:35:03.212
I've done my fair share of therapy over the years, done a lot of personal growth
00:35:03.212 --> 00:35:04.383
work, worked with coaches.
00:35:04.754 --> 00:35:08.412
And so a lot of what you're talking about sounds very similar to coaching,
00:35:08.412 --> 00:35:13.212
to therapy, but I know that there's the somatic piece. So you're not just talking
00:35:13.212 --> 00:35:15.342
about your feelings. You're not just talking about things, right?
00:35:15.342 --> 00:35:18.012
You're, you're asking like, well, where is it in the body?
00:35:18.267 --> 00:35:23.122
But tell us a little bit more about how it differs from like coaching or therapy,
00:35:23.122 --> 00:35:27.542
the work that you do and, you know, what it took for you to get to this point,
00:35:27.542 --> 00:35:29.482
like what you had to do to become,
00:35:30.109 --> 00:35:34.805
I don't know if it's a certified somatic healer or what the verbiage is.
00:35:35.490 --> 00:35:42.972
Yeah, absolutely. So, you know, there's a lot of pieces and therapy has such
00:35:42.972 --> 00:35:44.899
an important place in the world, right?
00:35:45.515 --> 00:35:49.772
Right. And I've also worked with a lot of people who say, you know,
00:35:49.772 --> 00:35:55.932
OK, I've been through therapy. I understand a lot better. I have some good tools
00:35:55.932 --> 00:35:59.581
for, you know, what happens when when I get to that point.
00:36:00.086 --> 00:36:04.192
But they come kind of seeking. I want something different in my life.
00:36:04.192 --> 00:36:09.258
I don't want to keep having the same situations just because I can deal with them better.
00:36:09.973 --> 00:36:16.726
And so the work that I do, it actually finds the root of the experience and,
00:36:17.467 --> 00:36:22.401
why I'm having that issue or challenge in the first place.
00:36:22.941 --> 00:36:31.254
And we have so much power to be able to go back and unravel those and plant something new.
00:36:31.381 --> 00:36:33.857
And I think that's really the difference.
00:36:34.304 --> 00:36:37.956
There are certainly therapies that have that in mind.
00:36:38.351 --> 00:36:42.722
But when I was trying to piece together what I needed to heal.
00:36:43.626 --> 00:36:48.096
I mentioned the corn maze because I kept going down and exploring all of these
00:36:48.096 --> 00:36:50.596
different types of therapies and modalities.
00:36:50.596 --> 00:36:58.128
And I just felt that I was pulling from so many because there wasn't one place, a one-stop shop.
00:36:58.372 --> 00:37:05.486
And so that's when I really, I looked into a lot of different avenues for myself
00:37:05.826 --> 00:37:09.116
once I decided I want to do this with other people.
00:37:09.812 --> 00:37:13.506
And again there wasn't a program or a,
00:37:14.006 --> 00:37:20.236
you know a license of of sorts and so i decided to kind of very carefully craft
00:37:20.236 --> 00:37:25.688
my my own basis of of knowledge and so that started with a
00:37:26.106 --> 00:37:29.854
three-year behavior certification coaching certification,
00:37:30.335 --> 00:37:34.506
and a behavior change and from there, I started pulling in.
00:37:34.506 --> 00:37:38.966
I received numerous certifications in the biology of trauma,
00:37:38.966 --> 00:37:43.678
which is an understanding of how trauma impacts us on a cellular level.
00:37:44.212 --> 00:37:48.482
And then came in the somatic training and parts training.
00:37:48.859 --> 00:37:52.706
I'm a psychedelic somatic facilitator. I've not used that.
00:37:53.246 --> 00:37:58.906
I don't facilitate regularly, but just all of these pieces come together and
00:37:58.906 --> 00:38:04.276
they each bring something very unique. And, and I would also say that I don't
00:38:04.276 --> 00:38:05.611
believe there is one approach.
00:38:06.334 --> 00:38:12.150
For any individual. And I think that's really important to note because people
00:38:12.150 --> 00:38:16.575
who have tried something and it hasn't worked for them.
00:38:17.850 --> 00:38:24.540
It doesn't mean that you're so broken, nothing is going to work or that you were doing it wrong.
00:38:24.540 --> 00:38:31.770
There really is a, I think, a magic to finding the tools and the way of seeing
00:38:31.770 --> 00:38:34.137
the world that matches who you are.
00:38:35.037 --> 00:38:41.569
And so I love being able to pull out of my bag of tricks, you know, oh, that didn't go well?
00:38:42.030 --> 00:38:47.461
No problem. We've got 47 other things that we can try, and we are going to find
00:38:47.763 --> 00:38:49.766
that one that feels aligned for you.
00:38:50.437 --> 00:38:54.720
So in a lot of ways, I'm really grateful that I had the opportunity to craft
00:38:54.720 --> 00:38:59.906
that and to build it in a way that most matched my personal experience.
00:39:01.288 --> 00:39:07.748
So, typically, what point are women at when they come and see you?
00:39:07.748 --> 00:39:11.938
Like, who, I'm just trying to get an idea of, like, I'm sure there's things
00:39:11.938 --> 00:39:15.498
that you see all the time from midlife women.
00:39:15.498 --> 00:39:20.658
So, take me through kind of the typical client that usually comes to you and
00:39:20.658 --> 00:39:26.504
where do you start? And, I mean, I know there's all these different pathways, but where do you begin?
00:39:27.162 --> 00:39:33.496
Yeah. You know, because the nervous system is the basis for essentially everything
00:39:33.809 --> 00:39:38.018
in one way or another, there is not one typical client.
00:39:38.018 --> 00:39:42.268
A lot of people come, and I originally started with the emotional eating piece
00:39:42.268 --> 00:39:46.818
because that was, for me, it was the biggest challenge in my life.
00:39:46.818 --> 00:39:52.821
It was really devastating. It took up all of my time and energy.
00:39:53.430 --> 00:39:58.308
And so originally my practice was was centered around that but you know after
00:39:58.308 --> 00:40:02.858
we got through the first three or four weeks we never talked about the food
00:40:02.858 --> 00:40:06.003
anymore because it was never about the food,
00:40:06.595 --> 00:40:11.858
and so I really I didn't want that lane where where only people who were struggling
00:40:11.858 --> 00:40:17.228
with food could could have access to the tools and so as it's broadened it's
00:40:17.228 --> 00:40:19.528
people who are again experiencing.
00:40:20.368 --> 00:40:23.438
The health consequences of living in survival mode.
00:40:23.902 --> 00:40:30.278
It's people who do have behaviors that they either want to end or why the hell
00:40:30.278 --> 00:40:34.818
can't I do these behaviors that I really want, right? And I know are good for
00:40:34.818 --> 00:40:37.027
me. So a lot of it is behavior change.
00:40:37.410 --> 00:40:44.277
It's relationships. I keep finding myself in the same relationship over and over.
00:40:44.886 --> 00:40:47.713
I feel so unfulfilled in my life.
00:40:48.422 --> 00:40:53.293
All of these kinds of things, and they're showing up differently for different
00:40:53.293 --> 00:41:02.163
people, but that's the type of, in a broad sweep, that's the type of person that finds the work.
00:41:03.093 --> 00:41:07.793
So, Lori, we are nearing the end of our public episode, and I want to make sure
00:41:07.793 --> 00:41:09.733
listeners know where to find you.
00:41:10.093 --> 00:41:13.403
If they're curious, if they want to know more about you or even work with you,
00:41:13.403 --> 00:41:17.143
what would you suggest? Like socials, what's the best way for people to find you?
00:41:17.893 --> 00:41:22.999
Yeah, you know, when I was figuring out where the hell I was going to try to
00:41:22.999 --> 00:41:29.029
figure the answers out in my own life, I really benefited from people's free resources.
00:41:29.029 --> 00:41:33.969
And so that was something that I really wanted to make sure that I did myself.
00:41:33.969 --> 00:41:39.779
And so everything lives on the website, laurimontree.com. There's a lot of free
00:41:39.779 --> 00:41:43.256
resources there, links to the YouTube channel and all the socials.
00:41:44.269 --> 00:41:50.002
There's free guides and you can also find the book on the website.
00:41:50.472 --> 00:41:55.229
And I'll also mention that one of the things that I'm really excited about that
00:41:55.229 --> 00:41:58.649
I've just started is while I was writing the book and
00:41:59.029 --> 00:42:03.299
realizing, you know, books that ask something of people, they end up collecting
00:42:03.299 --> 00:42:06.065
dust, the nightstand. It's just how it goes.
00:42:06.493 --> 00:42:10.476
And so I really wanted to make sure that there was a place where people could
00:42:10.639 --> 00:42:14.498
come for support and guidance and to stay engaged with the book.
00:42:14.806 --> 00:42:22.549
And so on August 17th was our very first reader circle. It's a weekly Zoom where
00:42:22.549 --> 00:42:24.878
readers can come and be supported.
00:42:25.018 --> 00:42:30.899
And like I said, we speak the same language there and we recommit to the journey
00:42:30.899 --> 00:42:38.857
together. It's my mission space for meaningful, affordable support for as many as I can reach.
00:42:39.483 --> 00:42:44.180
Listeners, go over to Lori's website. Check her out. We will put it all in the show notes.
00:42:44.737 --> 00:42:49.543
And I love that this episode has kind of taken us to this place of,
00:42:49.896 --> 00:42:53.205
you know, maybe things aren't quite as scary as we thought.
00:42:53.826 --> 00:42:56.989
You know, maybe it's not really something wrong with us.
00:42:56.989 --> 00:43:00.869
It's just these adaptations that we've learned. And in After Hours,
00:43:00.869 --> 00:43:05.989
where we're headed next for our Patreon members, we are going to really kind of dive into that.
00:43:05.989 --> 00:43:09.639
Lisa and I are going to look at some of our own patterns, some of the things
00:43:09.639 --> 00:43:16.479
that we've used for protection, and things that keep showing up that maybe aren't
00:43:16.479 --> 00:43:18.147
really in our best interest.
00:43:19.320 --> 00:43:24.328
So we would love to see you all on the Patreon. What is that you ask?
00:43:24.328 --> 00:43:27.172
Well, I'm glad you asked, even though you didn't ask it.
00:43:27.997 --> 00:43:31.328
So Patreon is our after hours section.
00:43:31.328 --> 00:43:34.718
It's where we do our bonus content. It's our membership, essentially.
00:43:34.718 --> 00:43:38.768
So the bonus content is where we go deeper. You know, Karen and I have talked
00:43:38.768 --> 00:43:43.118
about launching Drinks with the Girls 2.0, and that's this. And we found that
00:43:43.118 --> 00:43:45.928
like a lot of the best stuff happened when we turned the mics off.
00:43:45.928 --> 00:43:48.243
So no more. We are keeping the mics on.
00:43:48.621 --> 00:43:52.434
And you will get that in the bonus content that is only found there.
00:43:52.858 --> 00:43:56.832
You will also get the access to the episode before everybody else.
00:43:57.232 --> 00:44:01.468
But most importantly, it's a way that you can support us. And I think we've
00:44:01.468 --> 00:44:04.288
talked about this before. We've been doing this for two years and we've gotten
00:44:04.288 --> 00:44:08.758
to the point where the podcast is really about to explode. And Karen and I need
00:44:08.758 --> 00:44:12.105
some support to kind of keep that going. There's a lot that goes into this.
00:44:12.734 --> 00:44:17.488
So for literally half the price of a bougie cocktail per month,
00:44:17.982 --> 00:44:21.627
you can help us do that by supporting us by becoming a Patreon member.
00:44:22.086 --> 00:44:25.299
We'll do an outro here that'll give the information, but literally go to Patreon
00:44:25.299 --> 00:44:29.023
and search Drinks with the Girls and you will be right there.
00:44:29.452 --> 00:44:34.219
However, if this is where we leave you, thanks so much for being here and we
00:44:34.219 --> 00:44:36.199
will see you next week on Drinks with the Girls.
00:44:36.199 --> 00:44:39.679
Well, we've reached the part of the conversation where we probably should stop talking.
00:44:39.679 --> 00:44:40.549
But we never do.
00:44:40.989 --> 00:44:44.819
We really don't. But hold up. You're probably wondering where the rest of this episode went.
00:44:44.819 --> 00:44:48.499
I got you. This is why we have one brain. We've launched Drinks with the Girls
00:44:48.499 --> 00:44:50.754
2.0, and it's over on Patreon.
00:44:51.027 --> 00:44:55.202
We've realized some of our best conversations happen after we've officially wrapped things up.
00:44:55.411 --> 00:44:58.959
This is where you'll get the end of the conversation, plus early access to all
00:44:58.959 --> 00:45:01.163
the episodes so you never miss Last Call.
00:45:01.628 --> 00:45:05.439
You'll get the stories we probably shouldn't share, the things we weren't planning
00:45:05.439 --> 00:45:09.559
to say, the random rabbit holes that somehow become the best part of the conversation.
00:45:09.559 --> 00:45:12.489
Basically, all the stuff that happens when the microphones are still on,
00:45:12.489 --> 00:45:15.479
but we're no longer behaving ourselves like that ever happens.
00:45:15.479 --> 00:45:18.999
And best of all, you'll get in on the ground floor of the rocket ship that is
00:45:18.999 --> 00:45:20.669
Drinks with the Girls 2.0.
00:45:20.669 --> 00:45:23.629
We've been teasing this for a while now, and it's finally here.
00:45:23.629 --> 00:45:27.959
You'll get to own your very own slice of Drinks with the Girls 2.0 and help
00:45:27.959 --> 00:45:30.309
us launch this sucker into the stratosphere.
00:45:30.309 --> 00:45:33.749
So if you'd like to pull up a seat for one more round or join us for a coffee
00:45:33.749 --> 00:45:36.419
date, come join us on Patreon. The link is in the show notes.
00:45:36.419 --> 00:45:38.385
We'd love to have you, and we're saving you a seat.
00:45:39.209 --> 00:45:42.729
Wait, why are you still here? Head over to Patreon and join us now. We'll be right back.