WEBVTT
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Now, here's something that you've probably said.
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You might have said it in the car, maybe you're your sister, or maybe just in your own head at night when you're going to bed.
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I need one more hour in the day.
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One more hour and I would get to the gym.
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One more hour and I would sit down and eat a real meal.
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One more hour and I would get to bed on time.
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I believed that too for years.
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And then one day I actually looked at it and I realized it's a total lie.
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Not a lie that you're telling on purpose, but a lie you need to be true because the real answer is a hard one to swallow.
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Because here's what would actually happen if I handed you that hour tomorrow.
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And you already know this.
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It's not the gym.
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Today I'm going to show you where that hour actually goes every single time and why the thing you keep calling a time problem has nothing to do with time.
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This is the piece nobody tells you.
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And once you see it, you can't unsee it.
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So stay with me.
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This one's going to land a little close to home.
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Welcome to the Done with Dieting Total Health for Women Over 40 podcast, the podcast for women who are done with the startover cycle and ready for a way of taking care of themselves that actually works.
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Hey everyone, welcome to the Done with Dieting Podcast, the podcast for total health for women over the age of 40.
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I am your host, Elizabeth Sherman, and I am so glad that you are here with me today.
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So I want you to think about last Tuesday.
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You walked in the door somewhere between six and seven.
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You had your bag on one shoulder and your phone in your hand, and you were already answering somebody about some question that they asked.
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Maybe you hadn't sat down since eight o'clock in the morning.
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Maybe you'd eaten standing up or at the counter or in the car, or maybe not at all.
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And then this morning, when you were still a functioning person with plans, you told yourself that you were going to make dinner a real one.
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And you had everything for it: the chicken and the vegetables and the thing that you saw on Instagram.
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And then you get home and you open the freezer, and there's the chicken, frozen solid.
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You didn't take it out this morning because you were finding the permission slip and answering the email and remembering the appointment for your mother.
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And so you stand there with the freezer door open and cold air on your face, and you think, I cannot do this.
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I do not have the capacity for this.
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Not, I don't want to, but I just cannot.
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And nobody's offering to help.
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Your kids are in the other room.
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Your partner's on a call.
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Nobody comes into the kitchen and says, Sit down, mom.
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I've got this.
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Of course, you didn't ask either.
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You never ask.
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So you order the food.
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Or you go get the rotisserie chicken and the bag salad and you dump it in a bowl and put it on the table, and everyone eats it, and everyone's fine, except for you, because you're standing there thinking, what is wrong with me?
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Other women can do this.
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This is not supposed to be hard.
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This is the bare minimum of running a household, and I couldn't even manage the bare minimum.
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And so you feel lazy.
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That's the word that you use with yourself, lazy.
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And then the night goes on, and you help with homework, you answer the last four texts, you put the dishes away, you find the thing your partner is looking for because they know that you know where it is, because you are always the one who knows where it is.
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And then around 9:30, the house finally gets quiet, and here you are in the kitchen alone.
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Maybe it's with a glass of wine, maybe it's the tortilla chips or whatever's left in the ice cream in the back of the freezer, standing up, eating it out of the container with a spoon.
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Maybe you're on your phone and you're scrolling something that you don't even really care about, and you stay there longer than you meant to, way longer.
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Like you look up again and it's after 11, and you're going to be wrecked tomorrow, and you know it, and you don't care.
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And then you get in the bed and you lie there and think, I know exactly what I should be doing.
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I know all of it.
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Why can't I do it?
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You've been asking yourself that question or some version of it for a long time.
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And so today I want to talk about that answer.
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Here's what you've decided.
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You have decided that the reason you don't do this stuff is because you're lazy or that you've gotten soft, or that somewhere in the last 10 years, you've lost whatever it was that used to make you a person who could actually follow through.
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Or you've decided that you haven't found the right thing yet, the right eating plan, the right workout, the right app that finally will make it stick for you.
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If you could just find the one thing that fits, you can stick with it.
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And then all of it would be solved.
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It would be easy.
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And underneath both of those is a third thing that you probably never say out loud, that you decided that something is wrong with you specifically.
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Because look around.
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Your friend does Pilates four mornings a week.
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Your sister meal preps on Sundays.
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Your coworker runs half marathons and has five kids.
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Like they are all doing it.
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And they're managing something that you can't seem to manage, which is strange because you manage everything else.
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You run a department or you run a practice or a classroom or a household with four people's calendars in your head at all times.
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You are the one who catches all the things before they fall.
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And when something needs you to happen, people ask you because you get it done.
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You are competent.
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You have evidence of that going back 30 years.
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And then there's this one place, this one area where you keep saying that you'll do the thing and then not doing it over and over and over for years.
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But we don't talk about that part.
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You're a little ashamed of it, honestly.
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And so you tell yourself the thing that you've told yourself a hundred times.
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I just need one more hour in the day.
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You've said it to your mom.
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You've said it to a friend over coffee.
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You've said it out loud in the car alone, sitting at a red light.
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One more hour, and I would get to the gym, I swear.
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One more hour and I'd sit down and eat a meal like a human being.
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One more hour and I'd get to bed on time.
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That's all I need.
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Just one hour.
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Now I worked with a client.
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Her name is Emma.
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Now, Emma is a physician, and I want you to sit with that for a second because it's actually important.
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When Emma came to me, she was not confused about nutrition.
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She knew all about calories.
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She knew about insulin.
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She could have probably taught me a class.
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She had spent her entire adult life in the science of a human body, and she knew in detail what she was supposed to be doing.
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So, whatever was going on with Emma, more information was never going to fix it.
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She was already full of information.
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Now, here's what Emma's day looked like.
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She would wake up at 5:15 because that was the only way the morning worked.
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She got the kids up, found the shoes, signed the thing, packed the lunches, and made sure her son had his cleats in the car for after school.
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And she checked on her parents.
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Her mom is in her 80s, and there's always something that she needs: a prescription, a doctor's appointment, a question about the Medicare paperwork that Emma will end up handling herself because it just seems easier.
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And then she went to work and she took care of six people for nine hours.
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People who needed her, people who were scared or in pain or waiting on results.
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She came home and there were three text threads going on.
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The class parent group, her sister about their mom, her friend who was going through a divorce and needed to talk.
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And of course, Emma had time because Emma always had time.
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She got dinner on the table.
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She helped with homework.
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She listened to her partner's day.
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She did the dishes.
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And somewhere in there, someone asked her for one more thing, and she always said yes.
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Emma was in service from the second her eyes opened until the second she closed them at the end of the day.
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Every single day.
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Now here's the part that got me.
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Some nights Emma stopped at the grocery store on the way home and bought the roasted chicken and the container of potatoes from the deli case.
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She would put it on plates and set it down on the table, and her family would eat it and be happy about it.
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And she would sit at that table feeling like a fraud, feeling like there was something wrong with her, because it wasn't homemade.
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It wasn't good enough.
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Because she had bought it instead of made it.
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Because a good mother, a good wife, a real one, would have cooked for her family.
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And she was serving her family food out of a plastic container from the grocery store.
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She thought that made her lazy.
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A woman who had spent nine hours that day making decisions that kept other people alive.
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And she thought she was lazy because she didn't cook the potatoes herself.
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That's the standard she was holding.
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And then there was the ice cream every single night.
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After the homework and the dishes and the last text and the lunches for tomorrow, Emma would get her kids into bed and she would go downstairs and she would open the freezer and she would eat ice cream on the couch.
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Sometimes a lot of it.
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Sometimes standing right there in the kitchen with the freezer door still open.
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And then she would go to bed and lie in the dark and be furious with herself because she knew she was a doctor.
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She knew what she was doing and she did it anyway.
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And she couldn't understand why.
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She'd tell herself, tomorrow would be different.
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And then tomorrow wasn't different.
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So when Emma and I started working together, she wanted to talk about the ice cream.
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Because in her mind, the ice cream was the problem.
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Get rid of the ice cream.
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Fix me.
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But I asked her something else.
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I asked her what happened before the ice cream.
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And she said, Well, that's when everyone goes to bed.
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That's when I understood what was actually going on.
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That ice cream was the only 20 minutes in Emma's entire day when not one single person wanted anything from her.
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Not a patient, not her mother, not her kids, not her husband, not the class parent group, not her sister, not her friend in the divorce.
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Nobody was asking Emma for anything at 9:30 at night on that couch.
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She could put her guard down.
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She didn't have to be capable or competent or kind or awake.
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She didn't have to be on.
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That was the only piece of her day that belonged to her.
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She wasn't being weak at 9:30.
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She was taking the one shot that she got.
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And when you look at it like that, of course, she wasn't going to give it up.
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I mean, why would she?
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It was the only thing that she had.
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So let's talk about why this happens to you and not to some woman who has nothing going on.
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You are running at capacity, full capacity, not just your time.
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Although your time is gone, your mental capacity is gone because you're holding four people's schedules and the vet appointment and the fact that the dishwasher is making that noise again.
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Your emotional capacity is shot because you've absorbed your kid's bad day and your mother's worry and your coworker's mood.
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And your physical capacity is gone because you've been up since 5:30 in the morning and you're 52 and you didn't sleep well and you are full.
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There is nothing left in you at 6:15 when you open up that freezer to make dinner.
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And when a person is full, something has to come off the list.
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So here's the question: what comes off?
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It's not your kid's dentist appointment.
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Your kid needs a dentist, and someone will notice if they don't have one.
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Not the deadline at work.
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There are consequences, and people are counting on you.
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Certainly not your mother's prescription.
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She'll call.
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She'll call twice.
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You know what comes off?
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The walk that you had planned, the thing that you were going to make for dinner, the eight hours of sleep, the doctor's appointment for the thing that you've been meaning to have looked at, which you've now rescheduled twice.
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You cut the thing that doesn't have pushback.
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Think about your Thursdays.
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You are literally standing at the door with your yoga mat under your arm.
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You paid for that class.
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It's on your calendar.
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You have been looking forward to it since Monday because this is your time.
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And then your phone rings.
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It's your boss who needs something before tomorrow.
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Or it's your kid who forgot their uniform.
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Or it's your mother and she's confused about her insurance again.
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What do you do?
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You put the mat down.
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Of course you do.
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That's what you do every single time.
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Or you're at work at four o'clock and a coworker comes over and says, they're drowning.
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And can you look at this section?
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And of course you say yes because you're a team player and you always say yes.
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And now it's 6:30 and your own work isn't done.
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So you'll do that tonight after everyone's asleep, which means you're going to be going to bed late again.
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Or it's Saturday morning, the one hour you carved out, the one hour that was supposed to be yours, and someone calls to talk.
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And of course, you have time.
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You always have time.
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Here's what I want you to see.
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Your boss pushes back.
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If you don't get it done, you hear about it on Monday.
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Your kid pushes back.
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He will stand in front of you and say, Hey, mom, I need this until you do it.
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Your mother pushes back.
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She calls.
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She worries.
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She tells your sister.
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Your body does not push back.
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You skip the walk and your body says nothing.
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You get four hours of sleep and your body says nothing.
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At least not in the way that you can hear it on a Tuesday morning.
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You eat standing up over the sink, and your body doesn't call you at work to talk about it.
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Your body just takes it and deals with it.
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It absorbs the skipped meal and the bad night and the missed walk quietly without complaint.
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And it does that for a year and then five years and then 12.
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And one day your knees start to hurt on the stairs.
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Your clothes don't fit the way that they did.
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You're tired in a way that sleeping doesn't touch.
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Your blood pressure comes back higher than it's ever been.
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And now finally your body is pushing back.
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But by then it's been absorbing the bill for over a decade.
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That's the whole mechanism.
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Your health didn't lose because you didn't care about it.
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It lost because it was the only thing on your list that wouldn't make a scene when you dropped it.
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Now you might be sitting there thinking, okay, fine, then say no.
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Put the mat under your arm and walk out the door and let the phone ring.
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Sure.
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Let's talk about why you don't.
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Watch what happens when a man says no.
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He says, I can't.
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I have a thing.
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And that's the end of it.
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Nobody asks what that thing is.
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Nobody follows up.
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The thing is not required to be more important than the request.
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The thing can be that he wants to sit down, that he doesn't want to do it.
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Now watch what happens when you say no.
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You need a reason, and not just any reason, but a good one, a verifiable one.
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Something that outranks the thing that you're being asked to do.
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You can't say, I can't come Saturday.
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I'm going for a walk.
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You would never.
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You would feel ridiculous.
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So you say you have an appointment, or you say you have a conflict, and you leave it vague enough that nobody can measure it against what they wanted or needed from you.
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You have to justify it.
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And you know that you have to justify it because if you don't, someone's going to say, Well, can't you just move it?
00:19:01.609 --> 00:19:05.690
Nobody sat you down when you were nine and explained this to you.
00:19:05.849 --> 00:19:08.409
That's not how all of this works.
00:19:08.730 --> 00:19:12.250
You learned it by watching, by experiencing it.
00:19:12.490 --> 00:19:17.849
You watched your mother eat last standing at the counter after everyone else had a plate.
00:19:18.089 --> 00:19:23.690
You watched her hand out the good pieces of chicken and take the one that nobody wanted.
00:19:23.849 --> 00:19:29.210
You watched her be the one who stayed up wrapping presents while everyone else slept.
00:19:29.529 --> 00:19:35.210
You learned that a woman's time belongs to whoever needs it more.
00:19:35.849 --> 00:19:38.970
And someone always needs it more.
00:19:39.210 --> 00:19:43.129
By the time you were 12, this wasn't a rule anymore.
00:19:43.289 --> 00:19:48.730
It was just who you were, which is why the guilt is not a small thing.
00:19:48.889 --> 00:19:53.049
It's not a feeling that you can talk yourself out of on the drive over.
00:19:53.289 --> 00:20:08.170
When you say no to your mother, your whole body reacts, your stomach drops, you spend the afternoon composing the text where you explain yourself and then you don't send it and then you think about it for three days afterwards.
00:20:08.409 --> 00:20:09.769
Like that is real.
00:20:09.930 --> 00:20:12.329
And I'm not going to pretend that it isn't.
00:20:12.490 --> 00:20:14.809
And the pushback is real too.
00:20:15.129 --> 00:20:23.690
Because when you have spent 20 years saying yes, the people around you built their whole life around you saying yes.
00:20:24.009 --> 00:20:27.609
Your no is genuinely inconvenient for them.
00:20:27.769 --> 00:20:30.649
And some of them are going to let you know about it.
00:20:30.809 --> 00:20:32.889
Your mother gets quiet on the phone.
00:20:33.049 --> 00:20:36.329
Your kid says, but you always do it.
00:20:36.569 --> 00:20:40.009
Your boss says nothing at all and just looks at you.
00:20:40.250 --> 00:20:42.889
And then there's the part underneath it.
00:20:43.210 --> 00:20:46.089
You believe it falls apart without you.
00:20:46.329 --> 00:20:52.569
You believe if you don't do it, it will not get done, or it'll get done badly.
00:20:52.809 --> 00:20:55.289
And then you'll have to fix it anyway.
00:20:55.609 --> 00:20:58.649
Plus, feel bad about the mess.
00:20:59.529 --> 00:21:10.170
You are the one who knows where the extra key is and which kid hates cheese, and when the car registration expires, and what your mother's cardiologist actually said.
00:21:10.409 --> 00:21:12.089
Now, you're not wrong about that.
00:21:12.250 --> 00:21:15.450
You are, in fact, the only one who knows those things.
00:21:15.609 --> 00:21:18.170
You have made sure of it for two decades.
00:21:18.329 --> 00:21:23.930
And here's what I want to say very clearly because I don't want this to be misunderstood.
00:21:24.250 --> 00:21:26.889
You are not doing this because you're a doormat.
00:21:27.369 --> 00:21:30.409
You love all of these people inside your life.
00:21:30.649 --> 00:21:32.889
You genuinely care about them.
00:21:33.049 --> 00:21:35.690
You want your mother to feel taken care of.
00:21:35.849 --> 00:21:38.649
You want your kid to have what they need.
00:21:39.049 --> 00:21:42.730
You want the people you work with to be successful.
00:21:42.970 --> 00:21:49.369
When you help them, it feels good because it is good and you are good at it.
00:21:49.690 --> 00:21:52.490
That love is not the flaw in this.
00:21:52.809 --> 00:22:02.089
That love is exactly why the whole thing works so well, and exactly why nobody, including you, has ever questioned it.
00:22:02.329 --> 00:22:11.769
So let's go back to that hour, that extra hour that you want in your day, the one that you've been asking for, the one that you said out loud in the car.
00:22:11.930 --> 00:22:13.930
I want you to do something with me.
00:22:14.170 --> 00:22:19.129
Pretend I can hand it to you tomorrow, Wednesday, whatever day it is.
00:22:19.369 --> 00:22:26.089
I'm going to reach into your day and give you 60 more minutes, free and clear.
00:22:26.329 --> 00:22:28.490
Nobody knows about it but you.
00:22:28.730 --> 00:22:30.009
It's yours.
00:22:30.569 --> 00:22:31.930
What do you do with it?
00:22:32.250 --> 00:22:33.450
Be honest with me.
00:22:33.690 --> 00:22:36.809
Don't tell me what you'd like the answer to be.
00:22:37.049 --> 00:22:38.490
Tell me the real one.
00:22:38.889 --> 00:22:44.569
Because I think that you would open up your laptop and answer the emails that have been sitting there since Monday.
00:22:44.809 --> 00:22:49.369
I think that you would get ahead on the project so that Thursday isn't so brutal.
00:22:49.609 --> 00:22:59.369
I think that you would finally call your mother's insurance company and sit on hold and sort out the billing thing because she can't do it and it's been bothering you for weeks.
00:22:59.609 --> 00:23:01.609
I think that you would drive somewhere.
00:23:01.769 --> 00:23:03.690
I think that you'd pick somebody up.
00:23:03.930 --> 00:23:22.170
I think that you would use it to catch up on the pile of things that you owe other people, and you would feel a little bit of relief, and then you Go get the ice cream, but you wouldn't go for the walk, you wouldn't cook the chicken, you wouldn't get in bed at 9 30 with a book.
00:23:22.730 --> 00:23:24.089
You know that you wouldn't.
00:23:24.730 --> 00:23:26.970
You've had free hours before.
00:23:27.369 --> 00:23:29.609
That's not what happened to them.
00:23:30.089 --> 00:23:32.490
So here's the thing I need you to sit with.
00:23:32.569 --> 00:23:43.769
And I want to say it as kindly and with as much love as I know how, because I am not trying to be a jerk here or call you out.
00:23:44.250 --> 00:23:46.889
The hour was never going to come to you.
00:23:47.129 --> 00:23:58.730
And not because you don't deserve it, not because you're bad at time management, but because you have spent your entire adult life running a list where you are not on it.
00:23:58.889 --> 00:24:03.849
And adding 60 minutes to the top of the list doesn't put your name on that list.
00:24:04.170 --> 00:24:08.970
It just gives you more room to do what you were already doing.
00:24:09.289 --> 00:24:13.529
If I gave you two hours, you would give away two hours.
00:24:13.690 --> 00:24:27.609
If I gave you a whole Saturday, and I think you know this is true, you would fill it with other people by Wednesday, which means all these years you've been telling yourself that you have a time management problem.
00:24:28.329 --> 00:24:30.730
You don't have a time management problem.
00:24:31.129 --> 00:24:36.809
You have not been skipping the walk because there wasn't a spare 45 minutes in the day.
00:24:37.049 --> 00:24:48.409
You've been skipping it because when the 45 minutes came up, appeared, you gave it to your kid, your boss, your mother, or the coworker who was drowning every single time.
00:24:49.450 --> 00:24:51.450
That extra hour isn't coming.
00:24:51.690 --> 00:24:56.009
And even if it did, you already know exactly what you do with it.
00:24:56.329 --> 00:25:02.889
So I want to say something to you now, and I'm going to say it with as much love as I possibly can.
00:25:03.450 --> 00:25:05.690
You get one body in this life.
00:25:05.849 --> 00:25:06.490
That's it.
00:25:06.730 --> 00:25:08.170
That's the whole allotment.
00:25:08.250 --> 00:25:09.609
That's all any of us get.
00:25:10.009 --> 00:25:16.009
The one that you're sitting in right now, the one with the knee that clicks and the shoulder that's been bothering you since March.
00:25:16.250 --> 00:25:19.690
Nobody's issuing you another one at age 60.
00:25:19.849 --> 00:25:21.450
And you get one life.
00:25:21.690 --> 00:25:22.329
This one.
00:25:22.569 --> 00:25:32.089
Not the one that starts after your mom's situation is settled or after your daughter finishes or after this quarter at work, after things calm down.
00:25:32.409 --> 00:25:34.649
Things are not going to calm down.
00:25:34.889 --> 00:25:38.889
You have been waiting for things to calm down for 11 years now.
00:25:39.210 --> 00:25:40.250
This is it.
00:25:40.490 --> 00:25:46.889
This is your life right now on a Tuesday in the kitchen with the freezer door open.
00:25:47.129 --> 00:25:52.250
And nobody is coming to give you back the hours that you've been handing out to other people.
00:25:52.569 --> 00:25:58.329
There isn't a person in your life who's going to sit you down and say, you've done enough.
00:25:58.649 --> 00:26:00.009
Take the day off.
00:26:00.250 --> 00:26:03.289
Your boss won't, your kids won't, your mother won't.
00:26:03.450 --> 00:26:14.889
And not because they're cruel, but because it has never once occurred to them that you need it since you have spent 20 years making sure that they never had to wonder.
00:26:15.289 --> 00:26:17.769
Nobody is going to do this for you.
00:26:18.009 --> 00:26:20.409
It's you or nobody.
00:26:20.809 --> 00:26:23.769
Here's the part I refuse to be glib about.
00:26:24.009 --> 00:26:30.569
That is a hard thing to hear, and it's a harder thing to do because you can't just walk out on these people.
00:26:30.730 --> 00:26:31.690
They are real.
00:26:31.930 --> 00:26:34.250
Your mother really is 83.
00:26:34.569 --> 00:26:36.809
Your kid really does need you.
00:26:37.049 --> 00:26:39.609
The work really does have to get done.
00:26:39.769 --> 00:26:43.129
And you really are the only one who knows how.
00:26:43.450 --> 00:26:47.690
I'm not telling you to stop loving them or to stop showing up for them.
00:26:47.930 --> 00:26:50.089
That's not what this episode is about.
00:26:50.329 --> 00:26:57.129
I'm telling you that the way you love them has quietly become the reason that you never show up for yourself.
00:26:57.369 --> 00:27:01.129
And you can see that now, probably for the first time.
00:27:01.369 --> 00:27:07.289
And I'll be straight with you: seeing it is not the same as being able to work through it.
00:27:07.529 --> 00:27:15.210
You can understand everything that I just said completely and still put the yoga mat down when the phone rings on Thursday.
00:27:15.529 --> 00:27:21.450
Understanding a thing that you've been running since you were nine doesn't undo it.
00:27:21.849 --> 00:27:24.970
If it did, you'd have this handled years ago.
00:27:25.129 --> 00:27:26.170
You're smart.
00:27:26.409 --> 00:27:28.009
That was never the problem.
00:27:28.409 --> 00:27:30.649
So here's what I want you to do next.
00:27:30.809 --> 00:27:31.769
I made a quiz.
00:27:31.849 --> 00:27:34.490
It's called Why Do Your Healthy Habits Keep Falling Apart?
00:27:34.569 --> 00:27:40.649
And it takes about three minutes to complete because capacity may be what's costing you the most.
00:27:40.889 --> 00:27:44.009
Or it might be something else running underneath all of this.
00:27:44.089 --> 00:27:46.409
And you can't always tell from inside it.
00:27:46.569 --> 00:27:49.129
Now the quiz finds your specific pattern.
00:27:49.289 --> 00:27:53.930
It tells you what's actually breaking your follow-through and what to look at first.
00:27:54.250 --> 00:27:56.889
Your results come straight to your inbox.
00:27:57.210 --> 00:28:00.730
To take the quiz, go to elisabethsherman.com/slash quiz.
00:28:00.970 --> 00:28:05.769
It takes three minutes and don't do it for your family, do it for you.
00:28:05.930 --> 00:28:07.450
That's all I have for you today.
00:28:07.690 --> 00:28:10.409
Have an amazing day, and I will talk to you next time.
00:28:10.569 --> 00:28:11.450
Bye-bye.
00:28:11.769 --> 00:28:19.210
Hey, before you go, if you are someone who says, I know exactly what I should be doing, I just don't do it.
00:28:19.450 --> 00:28:22.649
Okay, if that's you, I made something for you.
00:28:22.809 --> 00:28:27.529
It's a free three-minute quiz that gets underneath that exact problem.
00:28:27.930 --> 00:28:36.170
Not to give you more information, but to show you the specific reasons your follow through keeps breaking down because it's not the same for everyone.
00:28:36.329 --> 00:28:42.649
And once you can see your pattern clearly, everything else seems to be to Elizabeth Sherman.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.240
Now, here's something that you've probably said.
00:00:02.399 --> 00:00:09.839
You might have said it in the car, maybe you're your sister, or maybe just in your own head at night when you're going to bed.
00:00:10.400 --> 00:00:13.199
I need one more hour in the day.
00:00:13.439 --> 00:00:16.160
One more hour and I would get to the gym.
00:00:16.399 --> 00:00:20.399
One more hour and I would sit down and eat a real meal.
00:00:20.719 --> 00:00:23.600
One more hour and I would get to bed on time.
00:00:23.839 --> 00:00:26.480
I believed that too for years.
00:00:26.719 --> 00:00:31.280
And then one day I actually looked at it and I realized it's a total lie.
00:00:31.440 --> 00:00:40.000
Not a lie that you're telling on purpose, but a lie you need to be true because the real answer is a hard one to swallow.
00:00:40.159 --> 00:00:44.880
Because here's what would actually happen if I handed you that hour tomorrow.
00:00:45.039 --> 00:00:46.799
And you already know this.
00:00:47.039 --> 00:00:48.560
It's not the gym.
00:00:48.799 --> 00:00:58.000
Today I'm going to show you where that hour actually goes every single time and why the thing you keep calling a time problem has nothing to do with time.
00:00:58.240 --> 00:01:00.079
This is the piece nobody tells you.
00:01:00.159 --> 00:01:02.479
And once you see it, you can't unsee it.
00:01:02.640 --> 00:01:03.600
So stay with me.
00:01:03.759 --> 00:01:06.640
This one's going to land a little close to home.
00:01:07.519 --> 00:01:18.799
Welcome to the Done with Dieting Total Health for Women Over 40 podcast, the podcast for women who are done with the startover cycle and ready for a way of taking care of themselves that actually works.
00:01:19.280 --> 00:01:26.719
Hey everyone, welcome to the Done with Dieting Podcast, the podcast for total health for women over the age of 40.
00:01:26.879 --> 00:01:31.840
I am your host, Elizabeth Sherman, and I am so glad that you are here with me today.
00:01:32.079 --> 00:01:34.400
So I want you to think about last Tuesday.
00:01:34.640 --> 00:01:37.599
You walked in the door somewhere between six and seven.
00:01:37.760 --> 00:01:45.920
You had your bag on one shoulder and your phone in your hand, and you were already answering somebody about some question that they asked.
00:01:46.159 --> 00:01:49.359
Maybe you hadn't sat down since eight o'clock in the morning.
00:01:49.519 --> 00:01:55.200
Maybe you'd eaten standing up or at the counter or in the car, or maybe not at all.
00:01:55.439 --> 00:02:05.599
And then this morning, when you were still a functioning person with plans, you told yourself that you were going to make dinner a real one.
00:02:06.000 --> 00:02:11.280
And you had everything for it: the chicken and the vegetables and the thing that you saw on Instagram.
00:02:11.439 --> 00:02:17.360
And then you get home and you open the freezer, and there's the chicken, frozen solid.
00:02:17.759 --> 00:02:26.080
You didn't take it out this morning because you were finding the permission slip and answering the email and remembering the appointment for your mother.
00:02:26.319 --> 00:02:33.840
And so you stand there with the freezer door open and cold air on your face, and you think, I cannot do this.
00:02:34.000 --> 00:02:36.159
I do not have the capacity for this.
00:02:36.400 --> 00:02:40.560
Not, I don't want to, but I just cannot.
00:02:40.800 --> 00:02:42.479
And nobody's offering to help.
00:02:42.639 --> 00:02:44.159
Your kids are in the other room.
00:02:44.319 --> 00:02:45.680
Your partner's on a call.
00:02:45.759 --> 00:02:48.960
Nobody comes into the kitchen and says, Sit down, mom.
00:02:49.280 --> 00:02:50.479
I've got this.
00:02:50.879 --> 00:02:52.719
Of course, you didn't ask either.
00:02:52.879 --> 00:02:53.919
You never ask.
00:02:54.159 --> 00:02:55.759
So you order the food.
00:02:55.919 --> 00:03:09.680
Or you go get the rotisserie chicken and the bag salad and you dump it in a bowl and put it on the table, and everyone eats it, and everyone's fine, except for you, because you're standing there thinking, what is wrong with me?
00:03:10.000 --> 00:03:12.560
Other women can do this.
00:03:12.800 --> 00:03:14.879
This is not supposed to be hard.
00:03:15.120 --> 00:03:21.039
This is the bare minimum of running a household, and I couldn't even manage the bare minimum.
00:03:21.280 --> 00:03:23.120
And so you feel lazy.
00:03:23.360 --> 00:03:26.080
That's the word that you use with yourself, lazy.
00:03:26.319 --> 00:03:41.520
And then the night goes on, and you help with homework, you answer the last four texts, you put the dishes away, you find the thing your partner is looking for because they know that you know where it is, because you are always the one who knows where it is.
00:03:41.759 --> 00:03:48.479
And then around 9:30, the house finally gets quiet, and here you are in the kitchen alone.
00:03:48.800 --> 00:03:59.280
Maybe it's with a glass of wine, maybe it's the tortilla chips or whatever's left in the ice cream in the back of the freezer, standing up, eating it out of the container with a spoon.
00:03:59.520 --> 00:04:09.120
Maybe you're on your phone and you're scrolling something that you don't even really care about, and you stay there longer than you meant to, way longer.
00:04:09.280 --> 00:04:18.560
Like you look up again and it's after 11, and you're going to be wrecked tomorrow, and you know it, and you don't care.
00:04:18.879 --> 00:04:24.079
And then you get in the bed and you lie there and think, I know exactly what I should be doing.
00:04:24.240 --> 00:04:25.360
I know all of it.
00:04:25.600 --> 00:04:27.120
Why can't I do it?
00:04:27.360 --> 00:04:32.000
You've been asking yourself that question or some version of it for a long time.
00:04:32.240 --> 00:04:34.720
And so today I want to talk about that answer.
00:04:34.879 --> 00:04:36.560
Here's what you've decided.
00:04:36.800 --> 00:04:50.399
You have decided that the reason you don't do this stuff is because you're lazy or that you've gotten soft, or that somewhere in the last 10 years, you've lost whatever it was that used to make you a person who could actually follow through.
00:04:50.639 --> 00:05:00.160
Or you've decided that you haven't found the right thing yet, the right eating plan, the right workout, the right app that finally will make it stick for you.
00:05:00.480 --> 00:05:05.759
If you could just find the one thing that fits, you can stick with it.
00:05:06.000 --> 00:05:08.480
And then all of it would be solved.
00:05:08.639 --> 00:05:10.000
It would be easy.
00:05:10.319 --> 00:05:21.040
And underneath both of those is a third thing that you probably never say out loud, that you decided that something is wrong with you specifically.
00:05:21.519 --> 00:05:23.519
Because look around.
00:05:23.759 --> 00:05:26.959
Your friend does Pilates four mornings a week.
00:05:27.120 --> 00:05:30.160
Your sister meal preps on Sundays.
00:05:30.319 --> 00:05:34.879
Your coworker runs half marathons and has five kids.
00:05:35.040 --> 00:05:36.879
Like they are all doing it.
00:05:37.040 --> 00:05:44.639
And they're managing something that you can't seem to manage, which is strange because you manage everything else.
00:05:44.879 --> 00:05:54.079
You run a department or you run a practice or a classroom or a household with four people's calendars in your head at all times.
00:05:54.399 --> 00:05:58.319
You are the one who catches all the things before they fall.
00:05:58.560 --> 00:06:04.399
And when something needs you to happen, people ask you because you get it done.
00:06:04.720 --> 00:06:06.639
You are competent.
00:06:06.879 --> 00:06:10.800
You have evidence of that going back 30 years.
00:06:11.040 --> 00:06:22.000
And then there's this one place, this one area where you keep saying that you'll do the thing and then not doing it over and over and over for years.
00:06:22.399 --> 00:06:24.319
But we don't talk about that part.
00:06:24.560 --> 00:06:26.879
You're a little ashamed of it, honestly.
00:06:27.120 --> 00:06:31.360
And so you tell yourself the thing that you've told yourself a hundred times.
00:06:31.680 --> 00:06:34.399
I just need one more hour in the day.
00:06:34.639 --> 00:06:36.399
You've said it to your mom.
00:06:36.720 --> 00:06:38.800
You've said it to a friend over coffee.
00:06:38.959 --> 00:06:44.160
You've said it out loud in the car alone, sitting at a red light.
00:06:44.480 --> 00:06:48.399
One more hour, and I would get to the gym, I swear.
00:06:48.639 --> 00:06:52.639
One more hour and I'd sit down and eat a meal like a human being.
00:06:52.879 --> 00:06:55.759
One more hour and I'd get to bed on time.
00:06:56.000 --> 00:06:57.519
That's all I need.
00:06:57.839 --> 00:06:59.360
Just one hour.
00:07:00.399 --> 00:07:02.240
Now I worked with a client.
00:07:02.399 --> 00:07:03.600
Her name is Emma.
00:07:03.759 --> 00:07:09.680
Now, Emma is a physician, and I want you to sit with that for a second because it's actually important.
00:07:09.920 --> 00:07:13.600
When Emma came to me, she was not confused about nutrition.
00:07:13.759 --> 00:07:15.680
She knew all about calories.
00:07:15.839 --> 00:07:17.439
She knew about insulin.
00:07:17.680 --> 00:07:21.360
She could have probably taught me a class.
00:07:21.600 --> 00:07:30.079
She had spent her entire adult life in the science of a human body, and she knew in detail what she was supposed to be doing.
00:07:30.319 --> 00:07:36.079
So, whatever was going on with Emma, more information was never going to fix it.
00:07:36.319 --> 00:07:39.199
She was already full of information.
00:07:39.600 --> 00:07:41.839
Now, here's what Emma's day looked like.
00:07:42.000 --> 00:07:46.639
She would wake up at 5:15 because that was the only way the morning worked.
00:07:46.800 --> 00:07:55.839
She got the kids up, found the shoes, signed the thing, packed the lunches, and made sure her son had his cleats in the car for after school.
00:07:56.000 --> 00:07:58.160
And she checked on her parents.
00:07:58.399 --> 00:08:12.319
Her mom is in her 80s, and there's always something that she needs: a prescription, a doctor's appointment, a question about the Medicare paperwork that Emma will end up handling herself because it just seems easier.
00:08:12.560 --> 00:08:17.120
And then she went to work and she took care of six people for nine hours.
00:08:17.360 --> 00:08:22.560
People who needed her, people who were scared or in pain or waiting on results.
00:08:22.800 --> 00:08:26.800
She came home and there were three text threads going on.
00:08:27.040 --> 00:08:33.840
The class parent group, her sister about their mom, her friend who was going through a divorce and needed to talk.
00:08:33.919 --> 00:08:39.039
And of course, Emma had time because Emma always had time.
00:08:39.600 --> 00:08:41.120
She got dinner on the table.
00:08:41.279 --> 00:08:42.480
She helped with homework.
00:08:42.559 --> 00:08:44.879
She listened to her partner's day.
00:08:45.200 --> 00:08:46.799
She did the dishes.
00:08:47.039 --> 00:08:53.519
And somewhere in there, someone asked her for one more thing, and she always said yes.
00:08:53.840 --> 00:09:00.399
Emma was in service from the second her eyes opened until the second she closed them at the end of the day.
00:09:00.639 --> 00:09:01.919
Every single day.
00:09:02.159 --> 00:09:04.240
Now here's the part that got me.
00:09:04.559 --> 00:09:12.480
Some nights Emma stopped at the grocery store on the way home and bought the roasted chicken and the container of potatoes from the deli case.
00:09:12.639 --> 00:09:18.639
She would put it on plates and set it down on the table, and her family would eat it and be happy about it.
00:09:18.799 --> 00:09:28.879
And she would sit at that table feeling like a fraud, feeling like there was something wrong with her, because it wasn't homemade.
00:09:29.279 --> 00:09:31.039
It wasn't good enough.
00:09:31.679 --> 00:09:35.120
Because she had bought it instead of made it.
00:09:35.919 --> 00:09:42.639
Because a good mother, a good wife, a real one, would have cooked for her family.
00:09:43.360 --> 00:09:48.879
And she was serving her family food out of a plastic container from the grocery store.
00:09:49.360 --> 00:09:51.519
She thought that made her lazy.
00:09:51.919 --> 00:09:57.120
A woman who had spent nine hours that day making decisions that kept other people alive.
00:09:57.279 --> 00:10:02.480
And she thought she was lazy because she didn't cook the potatoes herself.
00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:05.759
That's the standard she was holding.
00:10:06.000 --> 00:10:10.320
And then there was the ice cream every single night.
00:10:10.480 --> 00:10:24.480
After the homework and the dishes and the last text and the lunches for tomorrow, Emma would get her kids into bed and she would go downstairs and she would open the freezer and she would eat ice cream on the couch.
00:11:38.490 --> 00:11:40.730
Sometimes a lot of it.
00:11:41.129 --> 00:11:45.449
Sometimes standing right there in the kitchen with the freezer door still open.
00:11:45.769 --> 00:11:54.250
And then she would go to bed and lie in the dark and be furious with herself because she knew she was a doctor.
00:11:54.649 --> 00:11:58.169
She knew what she was doing and she did it anyway.
00:11:58.409 --> 00:12:01.049
And she couldn't understand why.
00:12:01.370 --> 00:12:04.490
She'd tell herself, tomorrow would be different.
00:12:04.889 --> 00:12:06.809
And then tomorrow wasn't different.
00:12:07.129 --> 00:12:12.169
So when Emma and I started working together, she wanted to talk about the ice cream.
00:12:12.409 --> 00:12:15.849
Because in her mind, the ice cream was the problem.
00:12:16.329 --> 00:12:18.009
Get rid of the ice cream.
00:12:18.329 --> 00:12:19.610
Fix me.
00:12:20.250 --> 00:12:22.490
But I asked her something else.
00:12:22.809 --> 00:12:26.809
I asked her what happened before the ice cream.
00:12:27.049 --> 00:12:30.889
And she said, Well, that's when everyone goes to bed.
00:12:31.049 --> 00:12:35.209
That's when I understood what was actually going on.
00:12:35.610 --> 00:12:44.329
That ice cream was the only 20 minutes in Emma's entire day when not one single person wanted anything from her.
00:12:44.569 --> 00:12:53.689
Not a patient, not her mother, not her kids, not her husband, not the class parent group, not her sister, not her friend in the divorce.
00:12:54.089 --> 00:12:59.849
Nobody was asking Emma for anything at 9:30 at night on that couch.
00:13:00.250 --> 00:13:02.250
She could put her guard down.
00:13:02.569 --> 00:13:08.169
She didn't have to be capable or competent or kind or awake.
00:13:08.649 --> 00:13:10.409
She didn't have to be on.
00:13:11.129 --> 00:13:14.089
That was the only piece of her day that belonged to her.
00:13:14.329 --> 00:13:16.490
She wasn't being weak at 9:30.
00:13:16.649 --> 00:13:19.610
She was taking the one shot that she got.
00:13:19.929 --> 00:13:24.250
And when you look at it like that, of course, she wasn't going to give it up.
00:13:24.490 --> 00:13:26.089
I mean, why would she?
00:13:26.329 --> 00:13:28.730
It was the only thing that she had.
00:13:29.049 --> 00:13:35.289
So let's talk about why this happens to you and not to some woman who has nothing going on.
00:13:35.769 --> 00:13:41.289
You are running at capacity, full capacity, not just your time.
00:13:41.449 --> 00:13:52.730
Although your time is gone, your mental capacity is gone because you're holding four people's schedules and the vet appointment and the fact that the dishwasher is making that noise again.
00:13:52.969 --> 00:14:00.809
Your emotional capacity is shot because you've absorbed your kid's bad day and your mother's worry and your coworker's mood.
00:14:00.969 --> 00:14:10.490
And your physical capacity is gone because you've been up since 5:30 in the morning and you're 52 and you didn't sleep well and you are full.
00:14:10.889 --> 00:14:16.009
There is nothing left in you at 6:15 when you open up that freezer to make dinner.
00:14:16.250 --> 00:14:20.569
And when a person is full, something has to come off the list.
00:14:21.049 --> 00:14:24.169
So here's the question: what comes off?
00:14:24.409 --> 00:14:26.569
It's not your kid's dentist appointment.
00:14:26.730 --> 00:14:32.409
Your kid needs a dentist, and someone will notice if they don't have one.
00:14:32.730 --> 00:14:34.250
Not the deadline at work.
00:14:34.409 --> 00:14:37.370
There are consequences, and people are counting on you.
00:14:37.610 --> 00:14:39.689
Certainly not your mother's prescription.
00:14:39.929 --> 00:14:40.649
She'll call.
00:14:40.809 --> 00:14:42.250
She'll call twice.
00:14:42.569 --> 00:14:44.089
You know what comes off?
00:14:44.649 --> 00:14:57.929
The walk that you had planned, the thing that you were going to make for dinner, the eight hours of sleep, the doctor's appointment for the thing that you've been meaning to have looked at, which you've now rescheduled twice.
00:14:58.329 --> 00:15:02.089
You cut the thing that doesn't have pushback.
00:15:02.569 --> 00:15:04.490
Think about your Thursdays.
00:15:04.889 --> 00:15:09.769
You are literally standing at the door with your yoga mat under your arm.
00:15:10.169 --> 00:15:12.169
You paid for that class.
00:15:12.329 --> 00:15:14.169
It's on your calendar.
00:15:14.409 --> 00:15:19.049
You have been looking forward to it since Monday because this is your time.
00:15:19.529 --> 00:15:21.289
And then your phone rings.
00:15:21.529 --> 00:15:25.209
It's your boss who needs something before tomorrow.
00:15:25.370 --> 00:15:28.250
Or it's your kid who forgot their uniform.
00:15:28.730 --> 00:15:32.889
Or it's your mother and she's confused about her insurance again.
00:15:33.209 --> 00:15:34.649
What do you do?
00:15:35.370 --> 00:15:36.889
You put the mat down.
00:15:37.049 --> 00:15:38.169
Of course you do.
00:15:38.409 --> 00:15:40.490
That's what you do every single time.
00:15:40.730 --> 00:15:46.089
Or you're at work at four o'clock and a coworker comes over and says, they're drowning.
00:15:46.250 --> 00:15:48.409
And can you look at this section?
00:15:48.730 --> 00:15:52.730
And of course you say yes because you're a team player and you always say yes.
00:15:52.809 --> 00:15:55.769
And now it's 6:30 and your own work isn't done.
00:15:55.929 --> 00:16:01.610
So you'll do that tonight after everyone's asleep, which means you're going to be going to bed late again.
00:16:01.849 --> 00:16:09.129
Or it's Saturday morning, the one hour you carved out, the one hour that was supposed to be yours, and someone calls to talk.
00:16:09.289 --> 00:16:10.889
And of course, you have time.
00:16:11.049 --> 00:16:12.490
You always have time.
00:16:12.730 --> 00:16:14.809
Here's what I want you to see.
00:16:15.209 --> 00:16:17.129
Your boss pushes back.
00:16:17.289 --> 00:16:20.569
If you don't get it done, you hear about it on Monday.
00:16:20.809 --> 00:16:22.649
Your kid pushes back.
00:16:22.889 --> 00:16:29.209
He will stand in front of you and say, Hey, mom, I need this until you do it.
00:16:29.449 --> 00:16:31.049
Your mother pushes back.
00:16:31.209 --> 00:16:32.009
She calls.
00:16:32.250 --> 00:16:33.289
She worries.
00:16:33.529 --> 00:16:35.289
She tells your sister.
00:16:35.689 --> 00:16:38.089
Your body does not push back.
00:16:38.329 --> 00:16:41.929
You skip the walk and your body says nothing.
00:16:42.250 --> 00:16:45.689
You get four hours of sleep and your body says nothing.
00:16:45.929 --> 00:16:49.529
At least not in the way that you can hear it on a Tuesday morning.
00:16:49.769 --> 00:16:56.169
You eat standing up over the sink, and your body doesn't call you at work to talk about it.
00:16:56.409 --> 00:16:59.529
Your body just takes it and deals with it.
00:16:59.689 --> 00:17:06.490
It absorbs the skipped meal and the bad night and the missed walk quietly without complaint.
00:17:06.730 --> 00:17:11.610
And it does that for a year and then five years and then 12.
00:17:12.009 --> 00:17:15.370
And one day your knees start to hurt on the stairs.
00:17:15.529 --> 00:17:18.410
Your clothes don't fit the way that they did.
00:17:18.650 --> 00:17:22.250
You're tired in a way that sleeping doesn't touch.
00:17:22.490 --> 00:17:26.569
Your blood pressure comes back higher than it's ever been.
00:17:26.730 --> 00:17:29.450
And now finally your body is pushing back.
00:17:29.690 --> 00:17:33.610
But by then it's been absorbing the bill for over a decade.
00:17:33.849 --> 00:17:35.769
That's the whole mechanism.
00:17:36.009 --> 00:17:40.329
Your health didn't lose because you didn't care about it.
00:17:40.569 --> 00:17:49.130
It lost because it was the only thing on your list that wouldn't make a scene when you dropped it.
00:17:49.690 --> 00:17:54.009
Now you might be sitting there thinking, okay, fine, then say no.
00:17:54.490 --> 00:17:58.410
Put the mat under your arm and walk out the door and let the phone ring.
00:17:58.650 --> 00:17:59.130
Sure.
00:17:59.370 --> 00:18:01.930
Let's talk about why you don't.
00:18:02.250 --> 00:18:05.690
Watch what happens when a man says no.
00:18:05.849 --> 00:18:07.049
He says, I can't.
00:18:07.130 --> 00:18:07.930
I have a thing.
00:18:08.089 --> 00:18:09.450
And that's the end of it.
00:18:09.690 --> 00:18:12.569
Nobody asks what that thing is.
00:18:12.730 --> 00:18:14.329
Nobody follows up.
00:18:14.569 --> 00:18:18.089
The thing is not required to be more important than the request.
00:18:18.329 --> 00:18:22.329
The thing can be that he wants to sit down, that he doesn't want to do it.
00:18:22.569 --> 00:18:25.609
Now watch what happens when you say no.
00:18:25.930 --> 00:18:30.250
You need a reason, and not just any reason, but a good one, a verifiable one.
00:18:30.409 --> 00:18:34.569
Something that outranks the thing that you're being asked to do.
00:18:34.809 --> 00:18:37.129
You can't say, I can't come Saturday.
00:18:37.210 --> 00:18:38.490
I'm going for a walk.
00:18:38.730 --> 00:18:39.690
You would never.
00:18:39.930 --> 00:18:41.849
You would feel ridiculous.
00:18:42.089 --> 00:18:52.809
So you say you have an appointment, or you say you have a conflict, and you leave it vague enough that nobody can measure it against what they wanted or needed from you.
00:18:53.049 --> 00:18:54.889
You have to justify it.
00:18:55.049 --> 00:19:01.289
And you know that you have to justify it because if you don't, someone's going to say, Well, can't you just move it?
00:19:01.609 --> 00:19:05.690
Nobody sat you down when you were nine and explained this to you.
00:19:05.849 --> 00:19:08.409
That's not how all of this works.
00:19:08.730 --> 00:19:12.250
You learned it by watching, by experiencing it.
00:19:12.490 --> 00:19:17.849
You watched your mother eat last standing at the counter after everyone else had a plate.
00:19:18.089 --> 00:19:23.690
You watched her hand out the good pieces of chicken and take the one that nobody wanted.
00:19:23.849 --> 00:19:29.210
You watched her be the one who stayed up wrapping presents while everyone else slept.
00:19:29.529 --> 00:19:35.210
You learned that a woman's time belongs to whoever needs it more.
00:19:35.849 --> 00:19:38.970
And someone always needs it more.
00:19:39.210 --> 00:19:43.129
By the time you were 12, this wasn't a rule anymore.
00:19:43.289 --> 00:19:48.730
It was just who you were, which is why the guilt is not a small thing.
00:19:48.889 --> 00:19:53.049
It's not a feeling that you can talk yourself out of on the drive over.
00:19:53.289 --> 00:20:08.170
When you say no to your mother, your whole body reacts, your stomach drops, you spend the afternoon composing the text where you explain yourself and then you don't send it and then you think about it for three days afterwards.
00:20:08.409 --> 00:20:09.769
Like that is real.
00:20:09.930 --> 00:20:12.329
And I'm not going to pretend that it isn't.
00:20:12.490 --> 00:20:14.809
And the pushback is real too.
00:20:15.129 --> 00:20:23.690
Because when you have spent 20 years saying yes, the people around you built their whole life around you saying yes.
00:20:24.009 --> 00:20:27.609
Your no is genuinely inconvenient for them.
00:20:27.769 --> 00:20:30.649
And some of them are going to let you know about it.
00:20:30.809 --> 00:20:32.889
Your mother gets quiet on the phone.
00:20:33.049 --> 00:20:36.329
Your kid says, but you always do it.
00:20:36.569 --> 00:20:40.009
Your boss says nothing at all and just looks at you.
00:20:40.250 --> 00:20:42.889
And then there's the part underneath it.
00:20:43.210 --> 00:20:46.089
You believe it falls apart without you.
00:20:46.329 --> 00:20:52.569
You believe if you don't do it, it will not get done, or it'll get done badly.
00:20:52.809 --> 00:20:55.289
And then you'll have to fix it anyway.
00:20:55.609 --> 00:20:58.649
Plus, feel bad about the mess.
00:20:59.529 --> 00:21:10.170
You are the one who knows where the extra key is and which kid hates cheese, and when the car registration expires, and what your mother's cardiologist actually said.
00:21:10.409 --> 00:21:12.089
Now, you're not wrong about that.
00:21:12.250 --> 00:21:15.450
You are, in fact, the only one who knows those things.
00:21:15.609 --> 00:21:18.170
You have made sure of it for two decades.
00:21:18.329 --> 00:21:23.930
And here's what I want to say very clearly because I don't want this to be misunderstood.
00:21:24.250 --> 00:21:26.889
You are not doing this because you're a doormat.
00:21:27.369 --> 00:21:30.409
You love all of these people inside your life.
00:21:30.649 --> 00:21:32.889
You genuinely care about them.
00:21:33.049 --> 00:21:35.690
You want your mother to feel taken care of.
00:21:35.849 --> 00:21:38.649
You want your kid to have what they need.
00:21:39.049 --> 00:21:42.730
You want the people you work with to be successful.
00:21:42.970 --> 00:21:49.369
When you help them, it feels good because it is good and you are good at it.
00:21:49.690 --> 00:21:52.490
That love is not the flaw in this.
00:21:52.809 --> 00:22:02.089
That love is exactly why the whole thing works so well, and exactly why nobody, including you, has ever questioned it.
00:22:02.329 --> 00:22:11.769
So let's go back to that hour, that extra hour that you want in your day, the one that you've been asking for, the one that you said out loud in the car.
00:22:11.930 --> 00:22:13.930
I want you to do something with me.
00:22:14.170 --> 00:22:19.129
Pretend I can hand it to you tomorrow, Wednesday, whatever day it is.
00:22:19.369 --> 00:22:26.089
I'm going to reach into your day and give you 60 more minutes, free and clear.
00:22:26.329 --> 00:22:28.490
Nobody knows about it but you.
00:22:28.730 --> 00:22:30.009
It's yours.
00:22:30.569 --> 00:22:31.930
What do you do with it?
00:22:32.250 --> 00:22:33.450
Be honest with me.
00:22:33.690 --> 00:22:36.809
Don't tell me what you'd like the answer to be.
00:22:37.049 --> 00:22:38.490
Tell me the real one.
00:22:38.889 --> 00:22:44.569
Because I think that you would open up your laptop and answer the emails that have been sitting there since Monday.
00:22:44.809 --> 00:22:49.369
I think that you would get ahead on the project so that Thursday isn't so brutal.
00:22:49.609 --> 00:22:59.369
I think that you would finally call your mother's insurance company and sit on hold and sort out the billing thing because she can't do it and it's been bothering you for weeks.
00:22:59.609 --> 00:23:01.609
I think that you would drive somewhere.
00:23:01.769 --> 00:23:03.690
I think that you'd pick somebody up.
00:23:03.930 --> 00:23:22.170
I think that you would use it to catch up on the pile of things that you owe other people, and you would feel a little bit of relief, and then you Go get the ice cream, but you wouldn't go for the walk, you wouldn't cook the chicken, you wouldn't get in bed at 9 30 with a book.
00:23:22.730 --> 00:23:24.089
You know that you wouldn't.
00:23:24.730 --> 00:23:26.970
You've had free hours before.
00:23:27.369 --> 00:23:29.609
That's not what happened to them.
00:23:30.089 --> 00:23:32.490
So here's the thing I need you to sit with.
00:23:32.569 --> 00:23:43.769
And I want to say it as kindly and with as much love as I know how, because I am not trying to be a jerk here or call you out.
00:23:44.250 --> 00:23:46.889
The hour was never going to come to you.
00:23:47.129 --> 00:23:58.730
And not because you don't deserve it, not because you're bad at time management, but because you have spent your entire adult life running a list where you are not on it.
00:23:58.889 --> 00:24:03.849
And adding 60 minutes to the top of the list doesn't put your name on that list.
00:24:04.170 --> 00:24:08.970
It just gives you more room to do what you were already doing.
00:24:09.289 --> 00:24:13.529
If I gave you two hours, you would give away two hours.
00:24:13.690 --> 00:24:27.609
If I gave you a whole Saturday, and I think you know this is true, you would fill it with other people by Wednesday, which means all these years you've been telling yourself that you have a time management problem.
00:24:28.329 --> 00:24:30.730
You don't have a time management problem.
00:24:31.129 --> 00:24:36.809
You have not been skipping the walk because there wasn't a spare 45 minutes in the day.
00:24:37.049 --> 00:24:48.409
You've been skipping it because when the 45 minutes came up, appeared, you gave it to your kid, your boss, your mother, or the coworker who was drowning every single time.
00:24:49.450 --> 00:24:51.450
That extra hour isn't coming.
00:24:51.690 --> 00:24:56.009
And even if it did, you already know exactly what you do with it.
00:24:56.329 --> 00:25:02.889
So I want to say something to you now, and I'm going to say it with as much love as I possibly can.
00:25:03.450 --> 00:25:05.690
You get one body in this life.
00:25:05.849 --> 00:25:06.490
That's it.
00:25:06.730 --> 00:25:08.170
That's the whole allotment.
00:25:08.250 --> 00:25:09.609
That's all any of us get.
00:25:10.009 --> 00:25:16.009
The one that you're sitting in right now, the one with the knee that clicks and the shoulder that's been bothering you since March.
00:25:16.250 --> 00:25:19.690
Nobody's issuing you another one at age 60.
00:25:19.849 --> 00:25:21.450
And you get one life.
00:25:21.690 --> 00:25:22.329
This one.
00:25:22.569 --> 00:25:32.089
Not the one that starts after your mom's situation is settled or after your daughter finishes or after this quarter at work, after things calm down.
00:25:32.409 --> 00:25:34.649
Things are not going to calm down.
00:25:34.889 --> 00:25:38.889
You have been waiting for things to calm down for 11 years now.
00:25:39.210 --> 00:25:40.250
This is it.
00:25:40.490 --> 00:25:46.889
This is your life right now on a Tuesday in the kitchen with the freezer door open.
00:25:47.129 --> 00:25:52.250
And nobody is coming to give you back the hours that you've been handing out to other people.
00:25:52.569 --> 00:25:58.329
There isn't a person in your life who's going to sit you down and say, you've done enough.
00:25:58.649 --> 00:26:00.009
Take the day off.
00:26:00.250 --> 00:26:03.289
Your boss won't, your kids won't, your mother won't.
00:26:03.450 --> 00:26:14.889
And not because they're cruel, but because it has never once occurred to them that you need it since you have spent 20 years making sure that they never had to wonder.
00:26:15.289 --> 00:26:17.769
Nobody is going to do this for you.
00:26:18.009 --> 00:26:20.409
It's you or nobody.
00:26:20.809 --> 00:26:23.769
Here's the part I refuse to be glib about.
00:26:24.009 --> 00:26:30.569
That is a hard thing to hear, and it's a harder thing to do because you can't just walk out on these people.
00:26:30.730 --> 00:26:31.690
They are real.
00:26:31.930 --> 00:26:34.250
Your mother really is 83.
00:26:34.569 --> 00:26:36.809
Your kid really does need you.
00:26:37.049 --> 00:26:39.609
The work really does have to get done.
00:26:39.769 --> 00:26:43.129
And you really are the only one who knows how.
00:26:43.450 --> 00:26:47.690
I'm not telling you to stop loving them or to stop showing up for them.
00:26:47.930 --> 00:26:50.089
That's not what this episode is about.
00:26:50.329 --> 00:26:57.129
I'm telling you that the way you love them has quietly become the reason that you never show up for yourself.
00:26:57.369 --> 00:27:01.129
And you can see that now, probably for the first time.
00:27:01.369 --> 00:27:07.289
And I'll be straight with you: seeing it is not the same as being able to work through it.
00:27:07.529 --> 00:27:15.210
You can understand everything that I just said completely and still put the yoga mat down when the phone rings on Thursday.
00:27:15.529 --> 00:27:21.450
Understanding a thing that you've been running since you were nine doesn't undo it.
00:27:21.849 --> 00:27:24.970
If it did, you'd have this handled years ago.
00:27:25.129 --> 00:27:26.170
You're smart.
00:27:26.409 --> 00:27:28.009
That was never the problem.
00:27:28.409 --> 00:27:30.649
So here's what I want you to do next.
00:27:30.809 --> 00:27:31.769
I made a quiz.
00:27:31.849 --> 00:27:34.490
It's called Why Do Your Healthy Habits Keep Falling Apart?
00:27:34.569 --> 00:27:40.649
And it takes about three minutes to complete because capacity may be what's costing you the most.
00:27:40.889 --> 00:27:44.009
Or it might be something else running underneath all of this.
00:27:44.089 --> 00:27:46.409
And you can't always tell from inside it.
00:27:46.569 --> 00:27:49.129
Now the quiz finds your specific pattern.
00:27:49.289 --> 00:27:53.930
It tells you what's actually breaking your follow-through and what to look at first.
00:27:54.250 --> 00:27:56.889
Your results come straight to your inbox.
00:27:57.210 --> 00:28:00.730
To take the quiz, go to elisabethsherman.com/slash quiz.
00:28:00.970 --> 00:28:05.769
It takes three minutes and don't do it for your family, do it for you.
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That's all I have for you today.
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Have an amazing day, and I will talk to you next time.
00:28:10.569 --> 00:28:11.450
Bye-bye.
00:28:11.769 --> 00:28:19.210
Hey, before you go, if you are someone who says, I know exactly what I should be doing, I just don't do it.
00:28:19.450 --> 00:28:22.649
Okay, if that's you, I made something for you.
00:28:22.809 --> 00:28:27.529
It's a free three-minute quiz that gets underneath that exact problem.
00:28:27.930 --> 00:28:36.170
Not to give you more information, but to show you the specific reasons your follow through keeps breaking down because it's not the same for everyone.
00:28:36.329 --> 00:28:42.649
And once you can see your pattern clearly, everything else seems to be to Elizabeth Sherman.
