WEBVTT
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This is Divine Interruption.
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I'm Sarah Hildreth Rankin.
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Welcome back.
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Thanks for being here.
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Today I want to take a little break from sharing a lot of my formative sex and relationship stories.
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I've done about five episodes so far.
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There's plenty more to come, but I actually need a bit more time.
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I need some more time to process what's been going on behind the scenes as I've done that.
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I need a timeout.
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So that's what this is going to be.
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I thought I would share what my experience has been like as I've delved into the past and worked through some pretty big things.
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And I'm working in real time over here, right?
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It's not like I've prepared all of these a year in advance and have done all this great writing and put together these stories.
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It's more like, okay, I'm called to delve into this thing.
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And all of a sudden, I recorded eight episodes over one weekend for this specific series.
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And since then, I've been working on more.
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So I've got that going on, and then I'm revisiting the old ones.
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I'm editing them and then I'm putting them out.
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And that's been over the course of two months so far.
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And it's been a lot.
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It's actually been really unexpected, which is why I'm here and I'm like, ah, time out, time out.
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I actually have to stop and pause because I can't keep going.
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I need to take a break.
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And I don't know if you've ever tripped on a trauma wire before.
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That's what I'm going to call it.
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It feels like as I've been doing this, I've tripped up on a bunch of old stuff that I was unaware of that's now wreaking havoc in my daily life.
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And I wasn't really aware of it as it was happening to the level that it was happening.
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I've been really deeply invested in moving through this time period of my life.
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And I've been so invested in going there and revisiting these things and sharing these stories, you know, in a form of healing for myself and of making sense of things.
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But I was so invested in doing it that I didn't really recognize the signs that maybe this was a bit deeper or more intense for me than I initially thought.
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And as we know about our nervous system, you know, what we're unable to process at the time, or what our bodies are unable to react to.
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Let's say we push down a reaction when really we want to scream at someone or run away or say, like, this is unsafe, but instead we stop ourselves, or we have so many reasons as to why we do that, or we push these things down, or we don't fully feel the emotions, or we don't react in the way that would help our bodies move through that in a smooth way or a healthy way, then all of that stress, all of that unfelt emotion, all of that unprocessed experience, it just gets stored within us.
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It's like as I've delved into these formative experiences, I'm really reliving these memories viscerally.
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And a lot of what I thought were things that I'd already worked through in a way, where I'm like, oh, I can laugh about this.
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And I've thought about this so many times, especially as a young adult, up until now, like over and over and over to the point where it's almost like I no longer felt anything.
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Well, I've been experiencing all of these things over again in a very real way, through the lens of my younger self, at a level where I'm actually feeling it as if I was there again.
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And that means acknowledging and feeling things that I couldn't at the time.
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So it's actually unlocking things that I wasn't aware were there.
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And I really want this to be a linear process.
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That's the way my brain works, and that's what I'm trying to do here almost for myself.
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I'm like, okay, when did this feeling start?
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Or when do I think this is how I ended up doing this 10 years later?
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You know, that's that's how I make sense of the world for myself, and that's what I'm doing here.
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I've tried to make this linear.
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And I am.
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I'm starting at the beginning, and then I'm sharing as I go along.
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But the actual processing of that has not been linear.
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So even though I'm sharing it in a linear way, behind the scenes, this has just been a huge mess.
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Like it's like when you decide to clean out your closet, you take an afternoon and you're like, I'm gonna tackle this project, I'm gonna get rid of things, I'm gonna make this closet clean and bright and sparkly.
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And so you start and you're quite objective, or you have the energy or inspiration to do it.
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But then you get into the closet and you start taking everything out.
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And as you take everything out, you stumble across all sorts of different things.
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Like maybe all of these old clothes that you wanted to get rid of, now you're remembering all of the memories attached to them.
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And then you stumble across old photographs, and maybe you spend way too long looking through all these photographs, and then those are bringing up other feelings.
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And then, I don't know, you come across a jewelry box, and that in itself is just a mess, right?
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And all the old necklaces are tangled together and you're trying to pull them apart.
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And as you're doing that, you realize, oh no, those are attached, all these earrings over here, and then this other necklace over here, and as you pull on one, it pulls harder on the other, and it's just you get so overwhelmed and you're so exhausted, and you're trying to fix it and just clean out this stupid closet because you know you need space, you know you're ready for that space, but the process in doing that, it's like you realize, oh no, I can't do this in an afternoon.
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What was I thinking about?
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And then you're sitting there and it's like eight o'clock at night, and everything's piled up in your bedroom, and you've got like one half pile of things to give away because you're so overwhelmed and you're exhausted, and now you're sad and you're crouched and you're disappointed in yourself because you thought you could do this thing that now you realize is just so big.
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So essentially, at the end of this long closet metaphor, what I'm trying to say is that's how these past two months have felt for me.
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I had no idea that I was going to feel this way or that it was gonna bring up so much in me.
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And I've only shared five of these episodes, and there's many more to come.
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And I think when I started compounding them, putting them next to each other and continued going, I started to be like, oof, okay, I'm feeling this, and then I'm feeling this get compounded and compounded, and I'm seeing the patterns.
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And some of these episodes get a bit heavier.
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So that's why this is a good time, I think, to take a bit of a break because I need to kind of gain more energy and strength before I go into more.
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So much has come out of it.
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So I just want to share what some of those things have been.
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One has been that I have so many feelings showing up from all angles that just come out of nowhere.
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And I've shared this before, like the way that my body, when it's processing stuff, all of a sudden I'll be hit with, you know, huge, big emotions.
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So that's been happening on a regular basis.
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I'd say daily, there is a lot going on.
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And one of those things is anger.
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I have been feeling levels of anger that I have never felt in my entire life.
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And this has been very confronting.
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And if you grew up like I did, and anger wasn't modeled in a healthy way, you know, I was either shown that anger didn't exist, it's not even an emotion, nobody feels anger, nope, everything's fine, or it looked like this total insane like freak out and it was really scary, like anger was dangerous and scary, then maybe I don't really know how to deal with anger so well.
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And for the first, I'd say, at least 35 years of my life, I never even knew that I was angry or that I felt as angry as I did.
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And I thought it was just an emotion that I didn't feel.
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I was like, why does everyone get mad all the time?
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Like, I'm just not mad.
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I just don't feel mad.
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But oh my God, it is in there.
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I am so angry about so many things.
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I am so angry for every moment that my boundaries were crossed, which looking back, now I realize it was like all the time.
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And I've only just realized that I've also been angry at myself.
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So instead of feeling my boundaries being crossed and then being angry at the situation or the person or whatever it was that had crossed my boundaries, instead, I stifled my voice and then I turned the anger in on myself.
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And I was telling myself that it was my fault that these things were happening, and I was so angry at myself for allowing them to happen.
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And, you know, how could I continue to fail again and again by not acting on these boundaries?
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And so I've just been roiling inside from all of these injustices that have, you know, stacked up over time.
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And for every moment I didn't speak up or say the thing that I really desperately wanted to.
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And I'm angry that my ability to openly feel and express anger was silence and shamed.
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So I've been, yeah, really angry.
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And that anger has been showing up at random times throughout the day.
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It's been showing up in my dreams.
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I had two weeks straight where I had nightmares every night, where I was confronting people from my past and just screaming at them, just screaming no, you know, and pushing them away physically.
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I had flames coming out of my mouth in these dreams.
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It's also looked like some pretty intense conversations, also awkward conversations that I've had with my partner, Nick, where I'm saying things like, I'm really sorry, I just need to say this right now.
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I it's not personal, but I just, I really don't know how to trust men.
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I don't even think I like men.
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Like things are coming out of my mouth that they don't feel like they're just me.
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It feels bigger than me.
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And I also logically know, and I hope you know that when I say this, I think this is obvious, or I don't need to say this, but it's not all men.
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Like I don't not trust or hate all men or whatever it is.
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That that's not what any of these stories have been about.
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But there's something in me that needs to express now where it says, this is what I learned, this is what I was taught, these were experiences that I had, and I'm so angry about it.
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And it doesn't mean that I I don't respect and love like my current partner.
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That's that's not what this is about.
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But I've had these moments of huge, surging words wanting to come out from my mouth and just saying them is like a release of some sort.
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And it's a very generalized statement, but I'm like, I need to say this right now.
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Like, I don't know how to trust men.
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I don't trust them.
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They're scary, they're dangerous.
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And to help me with this, because let me tell you, it's been a lot, I've been using music, which makes sense.
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I've done that before.
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I created this rage playlist, I call it sacred rage.
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And I put it on, I jump on my little mini trampoline in the morning, and I'll just like thrash my body around like I'm this giant, violent octopus.
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And I'm just getting these feelings out of me.
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Because if I don't, I start to defer to my conditioning.
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And when I start to feel angry, I instantly I feel embarrassed and then I feel ashamed.
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And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, like this feels gross, this feels inappropriate.
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I'm not allowed to actually like feel these feelings.
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But then when I don't feel them, guess what?
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They just stay stuck.
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They're in there.
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So this music is helping me coax it out.
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And during that time period where I'm like bouncing around being a maniac, the music is helping me just get that rage out.
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And it's uncomfortable because it's not natural to how I've been for so long.
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But man, it is so satisfying and so necessary right now.
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So yeah, I'm having this anger that's been huge, and also a lot of other emotions like grief.
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Like I'm finding it just pump hits me like a big wave.
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You know, I take my kids to school, I come home, and then I just collapse on the bed and I'm just like, ugh, just like crying it out.
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And I don't really know what I'm crying about.
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I know that there's a lot of feelings, but there's not necessarily specific things attached to that.
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It's just a lot of emotions, a lot of fear as well.
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And if you've been listening for a while, you'll know that there's a pattern that I've been working with, which is a lot around like my body and the symptoms in my body and how they they show up.
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So if I'm doing some emotional uprooting, like I am now, that will be followed by a purging of sorts, right, through my skin or through my chronic illness symptoms.
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So it's not surprising that at this time I've had so many infections that culminated into this huge infection right on my forehead, in the middle of my head, where everyone can see.
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And I had this unicorn horn essentially, and it built up over a span of two weeks.
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My lymph nodes turned into complete rocks, my face swelled up, and all of it drained, like it's almost like there's a lot of fluid, right?
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And stuff going on in the body, and it went down into my armpits and the sides of my body.
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I was in so much pain.
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And at some point, usually with these infections, there's a point where if it doesn't break on its own, like the infection doesn't um express, then I'm like, okay, I have to get someone to cut me open, you know, do I need to go to the ER?
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And this time, the night before, I was like, okay, if I wake up and it's not down, or if it doesn't express, then yeah, I'm going to the hospital.
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I took antibiotics, which I have on hand just in case.
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And luckily it exploded the next day.
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And sorry if that's gross.
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It is gross.
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I'm gonna put up some gross pictures just to let you know what it's like, so that I don't know, it feels important to like mark this occasion to be like, this is happening.
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Everything drained then into my face and into my neck.
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It also drained all the way down my back.
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So I inflamed all of my vertebrates.
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I pulled out the left side of my neck and my body.
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It even went down into my hips, which now has caused like misalignment with my legs.
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Like, it's insane.
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I'm still dealing with fallout from this infection, and it's been four weeks.
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So even though it cleared, there's all these other residual things in my body that I'm still dealing with.
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Going to a lot of different practitioners to support me with that.
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I've had a lot of shooting body pains, I've got full body rash.
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It's as if this new layer exposing, you know, some old trauma and experience, it's now releasing.
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And that means that my body's going to both, well, I believe, be triggered and have a flare in symptoms, but also a purge.
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It's like can be one and the same.
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So not only has my body been having a lot of symptoms, but I'd say probably the most invasive and challenging thing for me that, again, I wasn't expecting that felt new and like, what's this?
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Was my nervous system.
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And it was like as I tripped the wires from these past experiences, I didn't have a system in place to support me with what came out of that.
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And because the majority of my life has been spent trying to push through my feelings to get to the other side.
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You know, that's what I learned to do when I was little, right?
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It's like you have these coping mechanisms to get through things.
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And it's like, oh, there's no one here to support me with these feelings or this experience.
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So I'm alone and I'm now super anxious and everything is scary, but okay, I need to get through this, right?
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And then my mind is also going to start going because I need to think and plan and find a way out of this pain or this scenario, this danger.
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So it's as if I've instinctively, but also inadvertently, reverted back to this old coping mechanism.
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As I, you know, stumbled across these experiences and I was starting to have these really intense emotions, I was like, oh, okay, I just need to keep going.
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We need to get these stories out.
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I need to push through.
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I'm gonna learn something.
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Once the story's out, I'm gonna feel better and it's gonna be solved and healed and done with.
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But with the nervous system, it's so important to titrate stress, right?
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To go slowly, to go gently.
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If we want to shift to a healthier and more regulated state, then we can't live in the same way or deal with our pain in the same way that we did growing up that contributed to some of the dysregulation in the first place.
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Like it requires a different approach.
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And I've been working on this for over a year now, in terms of the nervous system.
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What can I learn about it?
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How do we regulate it?
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What different types of stress do we carry?
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Why are we the way we are?
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Whatever.
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I've been doing a lot of work on that.
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And it's been taking a lot of time.
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And I will say that a lot of it has been super boring.
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Like I've I've taken a couple courses and I've got a lot of tools to work with, but I find that because a lot of it is about slowing down and orienting our bodies and our minds and like trying to feel safe, it just is, I don't know, it's a long process.
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And so, in that, there's been moments where I'm like, but like, is anything happening?
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I think it can be challenging to see or to realize that you're having any real progress.
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But I will say that since I've been in this recent hole, I can tell that I've actually made progress because I recognized that this state that I am in now, this utter pain that's in my brain, this is actually how I used to feel all the time.
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Like this used to be normal for me.
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And now it's not.
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I think just having these familiar sensations slam back into my body has just been, I was like, whoa, like what is this?
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And yet it's so familiar, but it's so overwhelming that I just, it's almost like I forgot all the tools I had.
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And I've had a lot of moments where it's like I just cannot calm myself down.
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Yes, I've had a lot of intense physical symptoms, right?
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Like that's been a lot.
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And there can be a lot of fear associated with going through what I'm going through.
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So it's understandable.
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And yes, huge big emotions, that's a lot.
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But I've had so many moments recently where I find myself in a really activated state and I don't recognize it until I'm almost too far gone.
00:19:16.160 --> 00:19:22.880
It's like when I take my kids to school, as we're walking to the school, I start to get more and more anxious.
00:19:22.960 --> 00:19:24.720
Like I'm just like, I want to get this over with.
00:19:24.799 --> 00:19:25.599
I want to get this over with.
00:19:25.680 --> 00:19:27.759
I need to drop them off, but I don't want anyone to see me.
00:19:27.920 --> 00:19:33.680
I don't want to have to interact with anyone because I'm so uncomfortable in my body.
00:19:33.839 --> 00:19:37.680
And I feel like there's no way that I could even have a conversation.
00:19:37.839 --> 00:19:39.839
So I need to avoid this at all costs.
00:19:40.000 --> 00:19:45.680
There's something very dangerous about this situation to me right now where I don't know how to deal with it.
00:19:45.759 --> 00:19:48.400
And so I'm just trying to avoid it as much as possible.
00:19:48.640 --> 00:19:54.240
It's almost like my experience on the inside is so divorced from the outside.
00:19:54.480 --> 00:19:55.839
I don't know if that makes sense.
00:19:56.000 --> 00:19:59.680
But yeah, I found myself in these almost like panicked states and I'll think about it all day.
00:19:59.759 --> 00:20:03.599
I'm like, oh my God, when I have to go pick them up, how am I gonna like be okay?
00:20:03.759 --> 00:20:09.680
How am I gonna just fit in or look normal or just like, and this is what, six-minute interaction?
00:20:09.839 --> 00:20:16.799
But in my mind, I just can't even fathom the idea of having to have a social interaction.
00:20:16.880 --> 00:20:18.319
It's really scary to me.
00:20:18.480 --> 00:20:23.599
And that's been really heightened lately, which can be really disruptive in your daily life, right?
00:20:23.759 --> 00:20:30.160
Everything starts to feel dangerous and scary, and you don't want to do the things that would be helpful for you.
00:20:30.400 --> 00:20:39.119
Even today, I went to a yoga class for the first time, I think in four months, because yeah, chronic illness stuff has been really difficult to exercise.
00:20:39.359 --> 00:20:42.400
But just getting myself there, I was just like, oh no, no, no, no.
00:20:42.480 --> 00:20:45.599
Like I can't, I can't do this for all of these reasons.
00:20:45.839 --> 00:20:51.359
And of course, when I get there and I do the thing, I'm like, what an earth?
00:20:51.519 --> 00:20:55.039
Why, why, why were you even worried about this thing?
00:20:55.279 --> 00:21:00.720
But any unknown, any outlier, I need to think about everything and plan it all out.
00:21:00.880 --> 00:21:08.880
So it's just this really heightened level of thought, of fear, of intense overthinking and worrying.
00:21:08.960 --> 00:21:11.440
And it feels physiological, like it's in my body.
00:21:11.599 --> 00:21:14.240
I feel like I really have no control over this fear.
00:21:14.400 --> 00:21:27.200
But then my brain kind of hijacks my whole system and is trying to figure out a solution to that, which just means I exhaust myself because I'm looping these thoughts and I will just fall asleep, or I'm like, I need to go take a nap right now.
00:21:27.839 --> 00:21:32.720
And within that, I'm also having these really intense thoughts about really violent things.
00:21:32.880 --> 00:21:39.039
And this was something that's been really confronting because I realized, again, I used to have this all the time.
00:21:39.200 --> 00:21:41.039
There might be terminology to describe this.
00:21:41.119 --> 00:21:46.160
I'm just trying to relay, in my own words, what this feels like or what I've experienced.
00:21:46.319 --> 00:21:52.160
It's like if I am reading a book, it's like part of my brain comes in and gives me a different thought.
00:21:52.240 --> 00:22:00.559
And it's like, oh, there's a house on a hill, but then for me, the hill will like transform into a cliff, and then the house will fall off the cliff, and they'll all die in a Ravine.
00:22:00.880 --> 00:22:02.720
And like, that's not in the book.
00:22:02.880 --> 00:22:11.839
But then my brain keeps looping on that thing and I'm just trying to read the stupid story, but it had this violent ending that I can't get out of my head.
00:22:12.079 --> 00:22:16.640
Or when I'm trying to fall asleep, I'll imagine needles like sewing needles.
00:22:16.799 --> 00:22:18.559
Okay, this sorry, this is graphic.
00:22:18.799 --> 00:22:21.920
For me, these are the types of things if people say them out loud.
00:22:22.000 --> 00:22:23.359
I feel them really viscerally.
00:22:23.440 --> 00:22:26.400
So I'm just warning you, you're probably gonna be fine.
00:22:26.559 --> 00:22:27.680
I would not be fine.
00:22:27.839 --> 00:22:32.319
But I feel needles and I see these needles going through my hands, and then I imagine what that would feel like.
00:22:32.400 --> 00:22:36.160
I see them going through my eyes and through my tongue.
00:22:36.240 --> 00:22:39.440
And I I just, it's like I'm like, no, you need to go away.
00:22:39.519 --> 00:22:42.319
So I'll tell the needles, like, hey, like, get out of my space.
00:22:42.400 --> 00:22:44.240
I don't need to think about this happening right now.
00:22:44.400 --> 00:22:58.000
But it's like these thoughts that come in that are really painful and feel really real, and they can be quite violent, like, oh, if I pick up a pair of scissors, now I'm imagining stabbing the scissors like into my stomach, or I'm like, I don't want that to happen.
00:22:58.079 --> 00:23:00.400
So I have to be extra careful, or I don't know.
00:23:00.480 --> 00:23:04.160
It's like thoughts that I can't control that are really uncomfortable.
00:23:04.319 --> 00:23:06.319
They've come back in a really strong way.
00:23:06.480 --> 00:23:21.440
So even when I'm meditating now, trying again to get to a space where I feel safe and peaceful, it's like the things I'm seeing are now more violent, or those things are showing up again and they are distracting me and they feel very real.
00:23:22.079 --> 00:23:29.359
I even went to the dentist last week, and the dentist has never been a great place for me.
00:23:29.920 --> 00:23:41.440
Um, we could have an entire episode about that, and I know so many people, if not most people, have experiences with the dentist and with teeth that are really invasive and like not positive.
00:23:41.599 --> 00:23:46.960
But I have found ways over time to cope with going to the dentist, and it doesn't need to be so traumatic.
00:23:47.039 --> 00:23:54.880
And they freeze me up now completely when they do just a cleaning because that's where I'm at, that's where my teeth are at and what I need.
00:23:55.279 --> 00:24:05.519
But this time I was having like a full-body reaction to getting my teeth cleaned to the point where I couldn't really control it and I wanted to.
00:24:05.680 --> 00:24:09.359
I was like, no, Sarah, like you're not the type of person that's gonna freak out at the dentist.
00:24:09.519 --> 00:24:10.880
Like, this isn't who you are.
00:24:10.960 --> 00:24:14.240
And yet my body was telling me, this is really dangerous.
00:24:14.480 --> 00:24:16.880
Like, you need to shake this off.
00:24:17.039 --> 00:24:20.720
Like, I wanted to start shaking, I wanted to push the dentist away.
00:24:20.960 --> 00:24:22.960
I had to tell the hygienist multiple times.
00:24:23.039 --> 00:24:24.799
I'm like, oh, oh, and I would like put my hand up.
00:24:24.880 --> 00:24:25.839
I'm like, I just need to stop.
00:24:25.920 --> 00:24:26.880
I need to stop.
00:24:27.119 --> 00:24:31.759
And then I would need to breathe because I'm like, I need to breathe through this because I need to catch a breath.
00:24:31.839 --> 00:24:33.279
I don't feel safe.
00:24:33.680 --> 00:24:38.319
And it was just a lot because I was like, why am I this stressed out?
00:24:38.480 --> 00:24:39.920
Like, this is not that bad.
00:24:40.160 --> 00:24:42.160
Yes, it turns out I have a cavity.
00:24:42.319 --> 00:24:44.240
And yes, she poked the cavity.
00:24:44.400 --> 00:24:50.000
And as I'm saying that, I wish I didn't say it out loud because now I'm feeling it, but it's just gone above and beyond.
00:24:50.160 --> 00:24:55.599
And I have not felt that level of fear and actual physical danger.
00:24:56.079 --> 00:25:00.079
It's as if everything has just become really heightened for me.
00:25:00.240 --> 00:25:12.160
It's not just feeling all these emotions that I can really track and that makes sense in terms of the experiences that I was sharing around relationships, around sex, around being disempowered, all of that.
00:25:12.319 --> 00:25:18.720
That makes sense, but it almost has tripped this wire where now I'm just dysregulated.
00:25:18.960 --> 00:25:26.799
It's like I have this level of fear and this lack of safety in my body that is coming up on a scale that I wasn't prepared for.
00:25:27.039 --> 00:25:30.319
And I'm not relating this to those experiences anymore.
00:25:30.400 --> 00:25:31.599
It's just tripped a wire.
00:25:31.680 --> 00:25:39.440
So I'm going to the dentist and I'm having like a panicked moment and I'm going to my kids' school and I'm having a panicked moment.
00:25:39.680 --> 00:25:46.640
And I've felt myself reach for other coping mechanisms because now I'm like, well, what is this?
00:25:46.799 --> 00:25:47.359
Oh my gosh.
00:25:47.440 --> 00:25:48.880
Like, is this the way I always am?
00:25:49.039 --> 00:25:51.039
Maybe this is who I am and I just need help.
00:25:51.119 --> 00:25:52.720
I need these feelings to go away.
00:25:52.799 --> 00:25:56.079
This is so overwhelming at the point where I'm like, I need this to stop.
00:25:56.160 --> 00:25:58.559
Like, I don't know how I'm going to exist in this state.
00:25:58.720 --> 00:26:02.240
And so I found myself just really reaching for like distraction.
00:26:02.319 --> 00:26:08.880
I'm like, I need to be so distracted that I don't feel and like go to all these places in my brain because it's too much.
00:26:09.039 --> 00:26:13.920
I did a weed gummy last weekend, which that's something that I typically wouldn't do because I'm really sensitive.
00:26:14.000 --> 00:26:16.960
And I've done it before and it doesn't always help me.
00:26:17.200 --> 00:26:19.119
But I was like, this helps people all the time.
00:26:19.279 --> 00:26:20.000
I'm gonna do this.
00:26:20.160 --> 00:26:21.119
I need this.
00:26:21.440 --> 00:26:22.319
And you know what?
00:26:22.400 --> 00:26:24.480
It did narrow my focus.
00:26:24.640 --> 00:26:31.200
It was like I could only feel and see what was right in front of me versus being so open to feeling like a whole room.
00:26:31.440 --> 00:26:32.160
Does that make sense?
00:26:32.319 --> 00:26:35.759
Again, that's like my own interpretation of what it was, what was happening in the moment.
00:26:35.839 --> 00:26:37.200
I was like, oh, my aura just shrunk.
00:26:37.279 --> 00:26:38.240
That's what it felt like.
00:26:38.400 --> 00:26:40.799
And then I didn't have to think about everything.
00:26:40.960 --> 00:26:46.799
And yet I could feel that the hum of like the pain underneath, like it was in the background.
00:26:46.960 --> 00:26:52.079
So in the end, I was like, I don't know if that's worth it for me because I still felt it and I knew I was distracting myself.
00:26:52.240 --> 00:26:55.359
Like I wasn't, I wasn't healing it, I wasn't moving through it.
00:26:55.440 --> 00:26:58.559
But it helped me for a couple hours, maybe just like take the edge off.
00:26:58.720 --> 00:27:00.799
And yet the edge was still there.
00:27:01.519 --> 00:27:28.000
So when I've been able to find moments of peace and safety, like where I am regulated, where I'm not like blasting out of my brain and I'm so anxious, when I find those moments, which typically happen for me through meditation, like if I can get myself to sit still, which again is very challenging, but if I can get myself there and then I can stick with it, I can reach a point where I feel connected.
00:27:28.160 --> 00:27:29.359
That's the words I'm gonna use.
00:27:29.440 --> 00:27:36.240
It's almost like I connect with that other part of myself, that soul part of myself, and I'm like, okay, you're okay.
00:27:36.480 --> 00:27:42.640
You are not your thoughts, you are not just your body, like you are so much bigger than this, and I feel safe.
00:27:43.039 --> 00:27:50.880
When I do that, and when I've found those moments over the past eight weeks, far and few between, but when I have, everything makes sense.
00:27:51.039 --> 00:28:01.039
Like I can fully see how, of course, I'd react to like bringing up all this old stored pain that I was never feeling or I've never realized in my life.
00:28:01.119 --> 00:28:03.279
Like, of course, this would be a big deal.
00:28:03.440 --> 00:28:08.319
Or I can see how precarious it can be to relive intense experiences.
00:28:08.559 --> 00:28:33.519
And I can understand that if I've been living in a freeze response for the majority of my life, right, with all these frozen experiences where I was not able to feel, where I just pushed everything down, as I start to thaw out and I allow emotions and memories and experiences and pains to be felt, and when I allow them to move, like, yeah, that's gonna be real intense.
00:28:33.759 --> 00:28:43.519
And that as I allow for this movement, that I could misinterpret this for being back in that state again, that feeling of, oh my God, this is my forever.
00:28:43.680 --> 00:28:44.960
I'm trapped here.
00:28:45.200 --> 00:28:46.000
I'm failing.
00:28:46.160 --> 00:28:47.359
Like I am completely failing.
00:28:47.440 --> 00:28:48.319
What have I done?
00:28:48.559 --> 00:28:50.400
I'm actually still stuck.
00:28:50.720 --> 00:28:53.119
But no, I'm not stuck.
00:28:53.279 --> 00:28:54.960
I've just unlocked something really big.
00:28:55.119 --> 00:29:04.880
Like I hit a huge nerve, and that means slowing down so that I can still function as this stuff is going to process through.
00:29:05.359 --> 00:29:08.240
And really, the whole point is to feel it, right?
00:29:08.319 --> 00:29:10.000
Because I never felt it before.
00:29:10.319 --> 00:29:17.839
But now the point is to reassure myself as I'm feeling and reliving these things that I'm actually safe.
00:29:18.000 --> 00:29:19.599
It's like, no, you're safe.
00:29:19.759 --> 00:29:29.039
You can share, you can be safe in your space now as this version of yourself as an adult in your daily life, and it's gonna be okay.
00:29:29.200 --> 00:29:30.480
And then you can let it go.
00:29:30.640 --> 00:29:33.680
It will leave as it's meant to, but you gotta feel it first.
00:29:34.160 --> 00:29:39.920
But I haven't been tuning into that need to slow down or to create that safety.
00:29:40.079 --> 00:29:44.559
So when I got plunged right back in there, it was as if I just like forgot everything.
00:29:44.720 --> 00:29:54.079
I forgot all my tools, I forgot all my teachings, I forgot everything to do with the nervous system, everything to do with trauma, I forgot everything because it felt so real, because it was real.
00:29:54.559 --> 00:29:59.440
So, all of this to say that it's just been a really intense two months behind the scenes here.
00:29:59.839 --> 00:30:13.440
And I think sometimes I imagine what I think making a podcast looks like, or what I think other people are doing, and what I envision that whole process to be like.
00:30:13.599 --> 00:30:14.000
I don't know.
00:30:14.079 --> 00:30:22.079
I'm sure we all do this at some level, but I have I envision myself if I was doing this properly, or if I was really good at this, or whatever that may be.
00:30:22.319 --> 00:30:29.920
I envision it as if like I wake up with this beautiful morning routine that's all planned out to set me up for success.
00:30:30.079 --> 00:30:44.480
And I have all these proper drinks, and I do these stretches and I bask in the morning light, and I feel so inspired from that routine that I just sit down and then I have, I don't know, jewel-encrusted phrases spill out of my mouth right into this microphone.
00:30:44.720 --> 00:30:52.319
And I'm organized and together, and I've planned out all my episodes, you know, a month out at least.
00:30:52.480 --> 00:30:54.880
So everything happens with this beautiful consistency.
00:30:54.960 --> 00:31:00.799
And when I sit down and I record, it's oh, just for an hour, and then I edit it quickly and I upload everything.
00:31:00.960 --> 00:31:04.319
And this all happens, of course, you know, before lunch.
00:31:04.559 --> 00:31:05.039
Yeah.
00:31:05.279 --> 00:31:07.920
Well, yeah, that's not my deal.
00:31:08.079 --> 00:31:09.599
That's not what this has looked like.
00:31:09.839 --> 00:31:12.559
This has just been, I don't know, more of a reckoning.
00:31:12.720 --> 00:31:14.559
It's been an ongoing undoing.
00:31:14.720 --> 00:31:24.720
And I have to keep reminding myself, like, I started this podcast for a reason, and the whole reason was to share, to express, to put words to these insane parts of being human.
00:31:25.039 --> 00:31:28.960
And it's those parts I think that can make us feel really alone.
00:31:29.039 --> 00:31:34.960
And the whole point in doing this was I'm like, oh, this makes me feel less alone, or perhaps it makes you feel less alone.
00:31:35.119 --> 00:31:36.160
I don't know.
00:31:36.559 --> 00:31:43.039
I think sharing what things actually look like and not pretending that there's something that they're not, it's just really helpful.
00:31:43.279 --> 00:31:46.559
I think it's really human, and that's all I want from everyone else.
00:31:46.640 --> 00:31:54.960
And I think if I knew what everyone else was experiencing right now, or they're like, oh my gosh, I get these thoughts where I imagine needles being stabbed through my eyelids too.
00:31:55.039 --> 00:31:58.319
I'd be like, oh my God, okay, that's a thing.
00:31:58.480 --> 00:32:02.000
It's not just my weird thing, then I don't know.
00:32:02.160 --> 00:32:03.839
I think that could just be really helpful.
00:32:04.079 --> 00:32:09.440
Anyway, I've got a bunch more episodes to come in my sex and relationship series.
00:32:09.680 --> 00:32:18.960
And I think once this layer of my pain onion, we'll call it, has like shed or it's stabilized or whatever it's doing, I'll be back to share.
00:32:19.200 --> 00:32:23.519
And this is just a reminder, I think, that our lives matter.
00:32:23.680 --> 00:32:28.720
Like what we've experienced matters, and how it's made us feel matters.
00:32:28.880 --> 00:32:34.799
And what I've shared or what I'm about to share and continue to share, it may not even like make you bat an eye, right?
00:32:34.960 --> 00:32:38.160
Because of what you've experienced, what you've gone through, how you've interpreted the world.
00:32:38.240 --> 00:32:39.599
You'd be like, oh my gosh, who cares?
00:32:39.680 --> 00:32:41.359
Or like, why is this such a big deal?
00:32:41.599 --> 00:32:44.640
But really, it's all due to how we grew up, right?
00:32:44.720 --> 00:33:02.319
And what we've learned and how we were nurtured and what we experience and how we experience the world, what we carry in our bodies, what we carry in our minds and our hearts, like what we bring to our lives from all of these angles, this is what sets us up to learn some very specific things and have some very specific experiences.
00:33:02.559 --> 00:33:08.559
And it's not always what that looks like on the outside to others that matters, right?
00:33:08.720 --> 00:33:13.279
Everything I'm sharing from the outside may seem fairly like, hmm, that's not a big deal.
00:33:13.519 --> 00:33:19.440
Or it may be deemed by society or our peers or whatever, that it's not a big deal.
00:33:19.599 --> 00:33:20.480
And I was told that.
00:33:20.640 --> 00:33:24.720
I was told that repeatedly and shown that repeatedly, like, this isn't a big deal.
00:33:25.119 --> 00:33:31.039
But for me, obviously, and what I'm going through right now, it is a big deal.
00:33:31.200 --> 00:33:34.000
And it matters what we do with these things in our lives.
00:33:34.160 --> 00:33:40.319
And for one person who experiences like a car crash, they might walk away unscathed and actually be able to heal and move on.
00:33:40.480 --> 00:33:45.440
For someone else, how they entered that situation can greatly affect how they come out of it, right?
00:33:45.519 --> 00:33:50.640
And they may be stuck from that car crash in their bodies, in their minds, in their emotions for years.
00:33:50.720 --> 00:33:53.920
And they might contend with that over a lifetime.
00:33:54.079 --> 00:34:00.559
But that's where we need to honor ourselves because it's what we do with the pain, it's what we do with the experience that matters.
00:34:00.799 --> 00:34:02.720
And every step of it matters.
00:34:03.039 --> 00:34:08.400
And it has not been a neatly ascending staircase for me that I want it to be.
00:34:08.480 --> 00:34:14.159
It's not this linear progression of just, I'm getting better every day and I'm healed and it's magical and it's all gone.
00:34:14.480 --> 00:34:26.400
But at least I'm showing up for myself, even if that just means, you know, bouncing on a trampoline like a maniac to some rage music and then passing out after eating like some microwave peas.
00:34:26.639 --> 00:34:28.960
Because yeah, it's kind of where I'm at right now.
00:34:29.039 --> 00:34:31.920
Like it's not glamorous, but it's where I'm at.
00:34:32.079 --> 00:34:33.440
So yeah, I just want to say that.
00:34:33.519 --> 00:34:37.920
I just want to say like your experiences matter, and then how you deal with that matters.
00:34:38.079 --> 00:34:42.639
Because only you know what it feels like to be inside of your body and your mind and your heart, right?
00:34:42.719 --> 00:34:46.639
It can look any which way to anyone else, but it matters.
00:34:46.960 --> 00:34:48.800
It so matters.
00:34:49.119 --> 00:34:50.719
So thank you for listening.
00:34:50.880 --> 00:34:51.599
And you know what?
00:34:51.679 --> 00:35:05.199
If I haven't said this yet, if you've been listening or following along and anything that I say means something to you, I would be so grateful if you took a moment to rate or review this podcast on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
00:35:05.440 --> 00:35:07.760
All of it matters, and I'm super grateful.
00:35:07.920 --> 00:35:11.039
So thank you, and I'll see you again.
00:35:11.360 --> 00:35:12.000
Bye.
00:00:08.320 --> 00:00:10.880
This is Divine Interruption.
00:00:11.119 --> 00:00:13.519
I'm Sarah Hildreth Rankin.
00:00:15.839 --> 00:00:16.800
Welcome back.
00:00:16.960 --> 00:00:18.320
Thanks for being here.
00:00:18.559 --> 00:00:26.480
Today I want to take a little break from sharing a lot of my formative sex and relationship stories.
00:00:26.640 --> 00:00:29.280
I've done about five episodes so far.
00:00:29.519 --> 00:00:35.359
There's plenty more to come, but I actually need a bit more time.
00:00:35.600 --> 00:00:41.280
I need some more time to process what's been going on behind the scenes as I've done that.
00:00:41.439 --> 00:00:42.399
I need a timeout.
00:00:42.560 --> 00:00:44.240
So that's what this is going to be.
00:00:44.479 --> 00:00:53.359
I thought I would share what my experience has been like as I've delved into the past and worked through some pretty big things.
00:00:53.840 --> 00:00:57.359
And I'm working in real time over here, right?
00:00:57.439 --> 00:01:03.759
It's not like I've prepared all of these a year in advance and have done all this great writing and put together these stories.
00:01:03.840 --> 00:01:09.040
It's more like, okay, I'm called to delve into this thing.
00:01:09.280 --> 00:01:15.920
And all of a sudden, I recorded eight episodes over one weekend for this specific series.
00:01:16.079 --> 00:01:18.719
And since then, I've been working on more.
00:01:19.120 --> 00:01:22.799
So I've got that going on, and then I'm revisiting the old ones.
00:01:22.879 --> 00:01:24.879
I'm editing them and then I'm putting them out.
00:01:25.040 --> 00:01:27.680
And that's been over the course of two months so far.
00:01:27.920 --> 00:01:29.680
And it's been a lot.
00:01:29.920 --> 00:01:34.400
It's actually been really unexpected, which is why I'm here and I'm like, ah, time out, time out.
00:01:34.560 --> 00:01:38.879
I actually have to stop and pause because I can't keep going.
00:01:39.040 --> 00:01:40.159
I need to take a break.
00:01:40.319 --> 00:01:43.760
And I don't know if you've ever tripped on a trauma wire before.
00:01:43.920 --> 00:01:44.959
That's what I'm going to call it.
00:01:45.040 --> 00:01:55.040
It feels like as I've been doing this, I've tripped up on a bunch of old stuff that I was unaware of that's now wreaking havoc in my daily life.
00:01:55.359 --> 00:02:00.719
And I wasn't really aware of it as it was happening to the level that it was happening.
00:02:00.959 --> 00:02:06.319
I've been really deeply invested in moving through this time period of my life.
00:02:06.480 --> 00:02:16.400
And I've been so invested in going there and revisiting these things and sharing these stories, you know, in a form of healing for myself and of making sense of things.
00:02:16.639 --> 00:02:26.960
But I was so invested in doing it that I didn't really recognize the signs that maybe this was a bit deeper or more intense for me than I initially thought.
00:02:45.680 --> 00:02:55.360
And as we know about our nervous system, you know, what we're unable to process at the time, or what our bodies are unable to react to.
00:02:55.599 --> 00:03:25.520
Let's say we push down a reaction when really we want to scream at someone or run away or say, like, this is unsafe, but instead we stop ourselves, or we have so many reasons as to why we do that, or we push these things down, or we don't fully feel the emotions, or we don't react in the way that would help our bodies move through that in a smooth way or a healthy way, then all of that stress, all of that unfelt emotion, all of that unprocessed experience, it just gets stored within us.
00:03:25.680 --> 00:03:32.240
It's like as I've delved into these formative experiences, I'm really reliving these memories viscerally.
00:03:32.639 --> 00:03:39.759
And a lot of what I thought were things that I'd already worked through in a way, where I'm like, oh, I can laugh about this.
00:03:39.840 --> 00:03:50.080
And I've thought about this so many times, especially as a young adult, up until now, like over and over and over to the point where it's almost like I no longer felt anything.
00:03:50.479 --> 00:04:03.360
Well, I've been experiencing all of these things over again in a very real way, through the lens of my younger self, at a level where I'm actually feeling it as if I was there again.
00:04:03.599 --> 00:04:08.639
And that means acknowledging and feeling things that I couldn't at the time.
00:04:09.199 --> 00:04:13.280
So it's actually unlocking things that I wasn't aware were there.
00:04:13.680 --> 00:04:16.720
And I really want this to be a linear process.
00:04:16.879 --> 00:04:20.319
That's the way my brain works, and that's what I'm trying to do here almost for myself.
00:04:20.480 --> 00:04:23.439
I'm like, okay, when did this feeling start?
00:04:23.600 --> 00:04:28.160
Or when do I think this is how I ended up doing this 10 years later?
00:04:28.319 --> 00:04:33.120
You know, that's that's how I make sense of the world for myself, and that's what I'm doing here.
00:04:33.279 --> 00:04:35.680
I've tried to make this linear.
00:04:35.839 --> 00:04:36.480
And I am.
00:04:36.560 --> 00:04:39.519
I'm starting at the beginning, and then I'm sharing as I go along.
00:04:39.839 --> 00:04:45.040
But the actual processing of that has not been linear.
00:04:45.120 --> 00:04:50.560
So even though I'm sharing it in a linear way, behind the scenes, this has just been a huge mess.
00:04:50.720 --> 00:05:02.000
Like it's like when you decide to clean out your closet, you take an afternoon and you're like, I'm gonna tackle this project, I'm gonna get rid of things, I'm gonna make this closet clean and bright and sparkly.
00:05:02.160 --> 00:05:07.199
And so you start and you're quite objective, or you have the energy or inspiration to do it.
00:05:07.519 --> 00:05:10.879
But then you get into the closet and you start taking everything out.
00:05:10.959 --> 00:05:15.040
And as you take everything out, you stumble across all sorts of different things.
00:05:15.120 --> 00:05:22.160
Like maybe all of these old clothes that you wanted to get rid of, now you're remembering all of the memories attached to them.
00:05:22.319 --> 00:05:30.639
And then you stumble across old photographs, and maybe you spend way too long looking through all these photographs, and then those are bringing up other feelings.
00:05:30.720 --> 00:05:35.920
And then, I don't know, you come across a jewelry box, and that in itself is just a mess, right?
00:05:36.160 --> 00:05:40.959
And all the old necklaces are tangled together and you're trying to pull them apart.
00:05:41.120 --> 00:06:11.040
And as you're doing that, you realize, oh no, those are attached, all these earrings over here, and then this other necklace over here, and as you pull on one, it pulls harder on the other, and it's just you get so overwhelmed and you're so exhausted, and you're trying to fix it and just clean out this stupid closet because you know you need space, you know you're ready for that space, but the process in doing that, it's like you realize, oh no, I can't do this in an afternoon.
00:06:11.199 --> 00:06:12.319
What was I thinking about?
00:06:12.480 --> 00:06:33.759
And then you're sitting there and it's like eight o'clock at night, and everything's piled up in your bedroom, and you've got like one half pile of things to give away because you're so overwhelmed and you're exhausted, and now you're sad and you're crouched and you're disappointed in yourself because you thought you could do this thing that now you realize is just so big.
00:06:34.079 --> 00:06:42.959
So essentially, at the end of this long closet metaphor, what I'm trying to say is that's how these past two months have felt for me.
00:06:43.279 --> 00:06:48.720
I had no idea that I was going to feel this way or that it was gonna bring up so much in me.
00:06:48.879 --> 00:06:52.720
And I've only shared five of these episodes, and there's many more to come.
00:06:52.879 --> 00:07:05.519
And I think when I started compounding them, putting them next to each other and continued going, I started to be like, oof, okay, I'm feeling this, and then I'm feeling this get compounded and compounded, and I'm seeing the patterns.
00:07:05.839 --> 00:07:08.079
And some of these episodes get a bit heavier.
00:07:08.240 --> 00:07:17.600
So that's why this is a good time, I think, to take a bit of a break because I need to kind of gain more energy and strength before I go into more.
00:07:18.319 --> 00:07:19.600
So much has come out of it.
00:07:19.680 --> 00:07:22.800
So I just want to share what some of those things have been.
00:07:23.680 --> 00:07:32.720
One has been that I have so many feelings showing up from all angles that just come out of nowhere.
00:07:32.879 --> 00:07:40.399
And I've shared this before, like the way that my body, when it's processing stuff, all of a sudden I'll be hit with, you know, huge, big emotions.
00:07:40.560 --> 00:07:42.720
So that's been happening on a regular basis.
00:07:42.879 --> 00:07:46.399
I'd say daily, there is a lot going on.
00:07:46.560 --> 00:07:49.439
And one of those things is anger.
00:07:49.680 --> 00:07:55.519
I have been feeling levels of anger that I have never felt in my entire life.
00:07:55.680 --> 00:07:58.240
And this has been very confronting.
00:07:58.560 --> 00:08:20.720
And if you grew up like I did, and anger wasn't modeled in a healthy way, you know, I was either shown that anger didn't exist, it's not even an emotion, nobody feels anger, nope, everything's fine, or it looked like this total insane like freak out and it was really scary, like anger was dangerous and scary, then maybe I don't really know how to deal with anger so well.
00:08:20.800 --> 00:08:31.600
And for the first, I'd say, at least 35 years of my life, I never even knew that I was angry or that I felt as angry as I did.
00:08:32.240 --> 00:08:34.559
And I thought it was just an emotion that I didn't feel.
00:08:34.639 --> 00:08:36.320
I was like, why does everyone get mad all the time?
00:08:36.480 --> 00:08:37.440
Like, I'm just not mad.
00:08:37.600 --> 00:08:39.120
I just don't feel mad.
00:08:39.759 --> 00:08:42.720
But oh my God, it is in there.
00:08:43.679 --> 00:08:47.679
I am so angry about so many things.
00:08:47.919 --> 00:08:56.799
I am so angry for every moment that my boundaries were crossed, which looking back, now I realize it was like all the time.
00:08:56.960 --> 00:09:01.519
And I've only just realized that I've also been angry at myself.
00:09:01.919 --> 00:09:18.879
So instead of feeling my boundaries being crossed and then being angry at the situation or the person or whatever it was that had crossed my boundaries, instead, I stifled my voice and then I turned the anger in on myself.
00:09:19.360 --> 00:09:26.480
And I was telling myself that it was my fault that these things were happening, and I was so angry at myself for allowing them to happen.
00:09:26.720 --> 00:09:31.840
And, you know, how could I continue to fail again and again by not acting on these boundaries?
00:09:32.080 --> 00:09:38.879
And so I've just been roiling inside from all of these injustices that have, you know, stacked up over time.
00:09:39.039 --> 00:09:43.919
And for every moment I didn't speak up or say the thing that I really desperately wanted to.
00:09:44.559 --> 00:09:52.000
And I'm angry that my ability to openly feel and express anger was silence and shamed.
00:09:52.399 --> 00:09:54.879
So I've been, yeah, really angry.
00:09:54.960 --> 00:09:58.559
And that anger has been showing up at random times throughout the day.
00:09:58.720 --> 00:10:00.320
It's been showing up in my dreams.
00:10:00.480 --> 00:10:11.360
I had two weeks straight where I had nightmares every night, where I was confronting people from my past and just screaming at them, just screaming no, you know, and pushing them away physically.
00:10:11.519 --> 00:10:15.360
I had flames coming out of my mouth in these dreams.
00:10:15.679 --> 00:10:28.799
It's also looked like some pretty intense conversations, also awkward conversations that I've had with my partner, Nick, where I'm saying things like, I'm really sorry, I just need to say this right now.
00:10:28.960 --> 00:10:33.759
I it's not personal, but I just, I really don't know how to trust men.
00:10:33.919 --> 00:10:35.440
I don't even think I like men.
00:10:35.600 --> 00:10:39.759
Like things are coming out of my mouth that they don't feel like they're just me.
00:10:39.919 --> 00:10:41.039
It feels bigger than me.
00:10:41.200 --> 00:10:48.799
And I also logically know, and I hope you know that when I say this, I think this is obvious, or I don't need to say this, but it's not all men.
00:10:48.960 --> 00:10:52.559
Like I don't not trust or hate all men or whatever it is.
00:10:52.639 --> 00:10:55.840
That that's not what any of these stories have been about.
00:10:56.480 --> 00:11:08.480
But there's something in me that needs to express now where it says, this is what I learned, this is what I was taught, these were experiences that I had, and I'm so angry about it.
00:11:08.720 --> 00:11:12.480
And it doesn't mean that I I don't respect and love like my current partner.
00:11:12.639 --> 00:11:13.840
That's that's not what this is about.
00:11:13.919 --> 00:11:21.840
But I've had these moments of huge, surging words wanting to come out from my mouth and just saying them is like a release of some sort.
00:11:22.000 --> 00:11:25.519
And it's a very generalized statement, but I'm like, I need to say this right now.
00:11:25.679 --> 00:11:27.919
Like, I don't know how to trust men.
00:11:28.000 --> 00:11:28.720
I don't trust them.
00:11:28.799 --> 00:11:30.799
They're scary, they're dangerous.
00:11:31.200 --> 00:11:38.000
And to help me with this, because let me tell you, it's been a lot, I've been using music, which makes sense.
00:11:38.080 --> 00:11:39.039
I've done that before.
00:11:39.200 --> 00:11:43.120
I created this rage playlist, I call it sacred rage.
00:11:43.600 --> 00:11:53.679
And I put it on, I jump on my little mini trampoline in the morning, and I'll just like thrash my body around like I'm this giant, violent octopus.
00:11:54.000 --> 00:11:56.879
And I'm just getting these feelings out of me.
00:11:57.039 --> 00:12:00.559
Because if I don't, I start to defer to my conditioning.
00:12:00.799 --> 00:12:06.159
And when I start to feel angry, I instantly I feel embarrassed and then I feel ashamed.
00:12:06.240 --> 00:12:09.279
And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, like this feels gross, this feels inappropriate.
00:12:09.360 --> 00:12:11.919
I'm not allowed to actually like feel these feelings.
00:12:12.080 --> 00:12:14.000
But then when I don't feel them, guess what?
00:12:14.080 --> 00:12:15.120
They just stay stuck.
00:12:15.279 --> 00:12:16.159
They're in there.
00:12:16.320 --> 00:12:18.480
So this music is helping me coax it out.
00:12:18.559 --> 00:12:25.519
And during that time period where I'm like bouncing around being a maniac, the music is helping me just get that rage out.
00:12:25.759 --> 00:12:31.200
And it's uncomfortable because it's not natural to how I've been for so long.
00:12:31.440 --> 00:12:36.080
But man, it is so satisfying and so necessary right now.
00:12:36.240 --> 00:12:41.440
So yeah, I'm having this anger that's been huge, and also a lot of other emotions like grief.
00:12:41.519 --> 00:12:45.039
Like I'm finding it just pump hits me like a big wave.
00:12:45.200 --> 00:12:51.360
You know, I take my kids to school, I come home, and then I just collapse on the bed and I'm just like, ugh, just like crying it out.
00:12:51.519 --> 00:12:54.000
And I don't really know what I'm crying about.
00:12:54.159 --> 00:12:59.679
I know that there's a lot of feelings, but there's not necessarily specific things attached to that.
00:12:59.759 --> 00:13:03.120
It's just a lot of emotions, a lot of fear as well.
00:13:03.440 --> 00:13:15.919
And if you've been listening for a while, you'll know that there's a pattern that I've been working with, which is a lot around like my body and the symptoms in my body and how they they show up.
00:13:16.159 --> 00:13:26.480
So if I'm doing some emotional uprooting, like I am now, that will be followed by a purging of sorts, right, through my skin or through my chronic illness symptoms.
00:13:26.559 --> 00:13:36.639
So it's not surprising that at this time I've had so many infections that culminated into this huge infection right on my forehead, in the middle of my head, where everyone can see.
00:13:36.960 --> 00:13:43.279
And I had this unicorn horn essentially, and it built up over a span of two weeks.
00:13:43.440 --> 00:13:52.799
My lymph nodes turned into complete rocks, my face swelled up, and all of it drained, like it's almost like there's a lot of fluid, right?
00:13:52.879 --> 00:13:57.679
And stuff going on in the body, and it went down into my armpits and the sides of my body.
00:13:57.840 --> 00:13:59.120
I was in so much pain.
00:13:59.200 --> 00:14:13.840
And at some point, usually with these infections, there's a point where if it doesn't break on its own, like the infection doesn't um express, then I'm like, okay, I have to get someone to cut me open, you know, do I need to go to the ER?
00:14:14.000 --> 00:14:20.799
And this time, the night before, I was like, okay, if I wake up and it's not down, or if it doesn't express, then yeah, I'm going to the hospital.
00:14:20.960 --> 00:14:24.399
I took antibiotics, which I have on hand just in case.
00:14:24.720 --> 00:14:27.440
And luckily it exploded the next day.
00:14:27.600 --> 00:14:28.799
And sorry if that's gross.
00:14:28.879 --> 00:14:29.279
It is gross.
00:14:29.360 --> 00:14:36.960
I'm gonna put up some gross pictures just to let you know what it's like, so that I don't know, it feels important to like mark this occasion to be like, this is happening.
00:14:37.200 --> 00:14:40.879
Everything drained then into my face and into my neck.
00:14:41.039 --> 00:14:42.799
It also drained all the way down my back.
00:14:42.879 --> 00:14:45.120
So I inflamed all of my vertebrates.
00:14:45.279 --> 00:14:47.840
I pulled out the left side of my neck and my body.
00:14:48.080 --> 00:14:52.799
It even went down into my hips, which now has caused like misalignment with my legs.
00:14:52.960 --> 00:14:54.399
Like, it's insane.
00:14:54.559 --> 00:14:58.320
I'm still dealing with fallout from this infection, and it's been four weeks.
00:14:58.559 --> 00:15:05.279
So even though it cleared, there's all these other residual things in my body that I'm still dealing with.
00:15:05.600 --> 00:15:09.279
Going to a lot of different practitioners to support me with that.
00:15:09.360 --> 00:15:12.960
I've had a lot of shooting body pains, I've got full body rash.
00:15:13.120 --> 00:15:20.960
It's as if this new layer exposing, you know, some old trauma and experience, it's now releasing.
00:15:21.039 --> 00:15:28.320
And that means that my body's going to both, well, I believe, be triggered and have a flare in symptoms, but also a purge.
00:15:28.399 --> 00:15:30.240
It's like can be one and the same.
00:15:30.559 --> 00:15:44.559
So not only has my body been having a lot of symptoms, but I'd say probably the most invasive and challenging thing for me that, again, I wasn't expecting that felt new and like, what's this?
00:15:45.120 --> 00:15:46.960
Was my nervous system.
00:15:47.679 --> 00:15:57.279
And it was like as I tripped the wires from these past experiences, I didn't have a system in place to support me with what came out of that.
00:15:58.000 --> 00:16:04.399
And because the majority of my life has been spent trying to push through my feelings to get to the other side.
00:16:04.559 --> 00:16:07.279
You know, that's what I learned to do when I was little, right?
00:16:07.360 --> 00:16:10.639
It's like you have these coping mechanisms to get through things.
00:16:10.720 --> 00:16:14.639
And it's like, oh, there's no one here to support me with these feelings or this experience.
00:16:14.799 --> 00:16:21.279
So I'm alone and I'm now super anxious and everything is scary, but okay, I need to get through this, right?
00:16:21.360 --> 00:16:30.159
And then my mind is also going to start going because I need to think and plan and find a way out of this pain or this scenario, this danger.
00:16:30.399 --> 00:16:37.759
So it's as if I've instinctively, but also inadvertently, reverted back to this old coping mechanism.
00:16:38.080 --> 00:16:46.159
As I, you know, stumbled across these experiences and I was starting to have these really intense emotions, I was like, oh, okay, I just need to keep going.
00:16:46.240 --> 00:16:47.519
We need to get these stories out.
00:16:47.679 --> 00:16:48.559
I need to push through.
00:16:48.639 --> 00:16:49.440
I'm gonna learn something.
00:16:49.519 --> 00:16:54.159
Once the story's out, I'm gonna feel better and it's gonna be solved and healed and done with.
00:16:54.879 --> 00:17:01.840
But with the nervous system, it's so important to titrate stress, right?
00:17:01.919 --> 00:17:03.759
To go slowly, to go gently.
00:17:03.919 --> 00:17:15.759
If we want to shift to a healthier and more regulated state, then we can't live in the same way or deal with our pain in the same way that we did growing up that contributed to some of the dysregulation in the first place.
00:17:15.920 --> 00:17:18.480
Like it requires a different approach.
00:17:18.720 --> 00:17:24.559
And I've been working on this for over a year now, in terms of the nervous system.
00:17:24.720 --> 00:17:25.920
What can I learn about it?
00:17:26.079 --> 00:17:27.200
How do we regulate it?
00:17:27.359 --> 00:17:29.039
What different types of stress do we carry?
00:17:29.200 --> 00:17:30.240
Why are we the way we are?
00:17:30.400 --> 00:17:31.039
Whatever.
00:17:31.279 --> 00:17:33.440
I've been doing a lot of work on that.
00:17:33.759 --> 00:17:35.680
And it's been taking a lot of time.
00:17:35.839 --> 00:17:38.480
And I will say that a lot of it has been super boring.
00:17:38.720 --> 00:17:54.960
Like I've I've taken a couple courses and I've got a lot of tools to work with, but I find that because a lot of it is about slowing down and orienting our bodies and our minds and like trying to feel safe, it just is, I don't know, it's a long process.
00:17:55.039 --> 00:17:59.680
And so, in that, there's been moments where I'm like, but like, is anything happening?
00:17:59.839 --> 00:18:04.240
I think it can be challenging to see or to realize that you're having any real progress.
00:18:04.799 --> 00:18:22.480
But I will say that since I've been in this recent hole, I can tell that I've actually made progress because I recognized that this state that I am in now, this utter pain that's in my brain, this is actually how I used to feel all the time.
00:18:22.640 --> 00:18:24.559
Like this used to be normal for me.
00:18:24.720 --> 00:18:26.079
And now it's not.
00:18:26.319 --> 00:18:33.039
I think just having these familiar sensations slam back into my body has just been, I was like, whoa, like what is this?
00:18:33.200 --> 00:18:41.039
And yet it's so familiar, but it's so overwhelming that I just, it's almost like I forgot all the tools I had.
00:18:41.599 --> 00:18:49.119
And I've had a lot of moments where it's like I just cannot calm myself down.
00:18:49.359 --> 00:18:52.640
Yes, I've had a lot of intense physical symptoms, right?
00:18:52.720 --> 00:18:53.599
Like that's been a lot.
00:18:53.759 --> 00:18:57.759
And there can be a lot of fear associated with going through what I'm going through.
00:18:57.920 --> 00:18:59.279
So it's understandable.
00:18:59.440 --> 00:19:03.039
And yes, huge big emotions, that's a lot.
00:19:03.359 --> 00:19:16.000
But I've had so many moments recently where I find myself in a really activated state and I don't recognize it until I'm almost too far gone.
00:19:16.160 --> 00:19:22.880
It's like when I take my kids to school, as we're walking to the school, I start to get more and more anxious.
00:19:22.960 --> 00:19:24.720
Like I'm just like, I want to get this over with.
00:19:24.799 --> 00:19:25.599
I want to get this over with.
00:19:25.680 --> 00:19:27.759
I need to drop them off, but I don't want anyone to see me.
00:19:27.920 --> 00:19:33.680
I don't want to have to interact with anyone because I'm so uncomfortable in my body.
00:19:33.839 --> 00:19:37.680
And I feel like there's no way that I could even have a conversation.
00:19:37.839 --> 00:19:39.839
So I need to avoid this at all costs.
00:19:40.000 --> 00:19:45.680
There's something very dangerous about this situation to me right now where I don't know how to deal with it.
00:19:45.759 --> 00:19:48.400
And so I'm just trying to avoid it as much as possible.
00:19:48.640 --> 00:19:54.240
It's almost like my experience on the inside is so divorced from the outside.
00:19:54.480 --> 00:19:55.839
I don't know if that makes sense.
00:19:56.000 --> 00:19:59.680
But yeah, I found myself in these almost like panicked states and I'll think about it all day.
00:19:59.759 --> 00:20:03.599
I'm like, oh my God, when I have to go pick them up, how am I gonna like be okay?
00:20:03.759 --> 00:20:09.680
How am I gonna just fit in or look normal or just like, and this is what, six-minute interaction?
00:20:09.839 --> 00:20:16.799
But in my mind, I just can't even fathom the idea of having to have a social interaction.
00:20:16.880 --> 00:20:18.319
It's really scary to me.
00:20:18.480 --> 00:20:23.599
And that's been really heightened lately, which can be really disruptive in your daily life, right?
00:20:23.759 --> 00:20:30.160
Everything starts to feel dangerous and scary, and you don't want to do the things that would be helpful for you.
00:20:30.400 --> 00:20:39.119
Even today, I went to a yoga class for the first time, I think in four months, because yeah, chronic illness stuff has been really difficult to exercise.
00:20:39.359 --> 00:20:42.400
But just getting myself there, I was just like, oh no, no, no, no.
00:20:42.480 --> 00:20:45.599
Like I can't, I can't do this for all of these reasons.
00:20:45.839 --> 00:20:51.359
And of course, when I get there and I do the thing, I'm like, what an earth?
00:20:51.519 --> 00:20:55.039
Why, why, why were you even worried about this thing?
00:20:55.279 --> 00:21:00.720
But any unknown, any outlier, I need to think about everything and plan it all out.
00:21:00.880 --> 00:21:08.880
So it's just this really heightened level of thought, of fear, of intense overthinking and worrying.
00:21:08.960 --> 00:21:11.440
And it feels physiological, like it's in my body.
00:21:11.599 --> 00:21:14.240
I feel like I really have no control over this fear.
00:21:14.400 --> 00:21:27.200
But then my brain kind of hijacks my whole system and is trying to figure out a solution to that, which just means I exhaust myself because I'm looping these thoughts and I will just fall asleep, or I'm like, I need to go take a nap right now.
00:21:27.839 --> 00:21:32.720
And within that, I'm also having these really intense thoughts about really violent things.
00:21:32.880 --> 00:21:39.039
And this was something that's been really confronting because I realized, again, I used to have this all the time.
00:21:39.200 --> 00:21:41.039
There might be terminology to describe this.
00:21:41.119 --> 00:21:46.160
I'm just trying to relay, in my own words, what this feels like or what I've experienced.
00:21:46.319 --> 00:21:52.160
It's like if I am reading a book, it's like part of my brain comes in and gives me a different thought.
00:21:52.240 --> 00:22:00.559
And it's like, oh, there's a house on a hill, but then for me, the hill will like transform into a cliff, and then the house will fall off the cliff, and they'll all die in a Ravine.
00:22:00.880 --> 00:22:02.720
And like, that's not in the book.
00:22:02.880 --> 00:22:11.839
But then my brain keeps looping on that thing and I'm just trying to read the stupid story, but it had this violent ending that I can't get out of my head.
00:22:12.079 --> 00:22:16.640
Or when I'm trying to fall asleep, I'll imagine needles like sewing needles.
00:22:16.799 --> 00:22:18.559
Okay, this sorry, this is graphic.
00:22:18.799 --> 00:22:21.920
For me, these are the types of things if people say them out loud.
00:22:22.000 --> 00:22:23.359
I feel them really viscerally.
00:22:23.440 --> 00:22:26.400
So I'm just warning you, you're probably gonna be fine.
00:22:26.559 --> 00:22:27.680
I would not be fine.
00:22:27.839 --> 00:22:32.319
But I feel needles and I see these needles going through my hands, and then I imagine what that would feel like.
00:22:32.400 --> 00:22:36.160
I see them going through my eyes and through my tongue.
00:22:36.240 --> 00:22:39.440
And I I just, it's like I'm like, no, you need to go away.
00:22:39.519 --> 00:22:42.319
So I'll tell the needles, like, hey, like, get out of my space.
00:22:42.400 --> 00:22:44.240
I don't need to think about this happening right now.
00:22:44.400 --> 00:22:58.000
But it's like these thoughts that come in that are really painful and feel really real, and they can be quite violent, like, oh, if I pick up a pair of scissors, now I'm imagining stabbing the scissors like into my stomach, or I'm like, I don't want that to happen.
00:22:58.079 --> 00:23:00.400
So I have to be extra careful, or I don't know.
00:23:00.480 --> 00:23:04.160
It's like thoughts that I can't control that are really uncomfortable.
00:23:04.319 --> 00:23:06.319
They've come back in a really strong way.
00:23:06.480 --> 00:23:21.440
So even when I'm meditating now, trying again to get to a space where I feel safe and peaceful, it's like the things I'm seeing are now more violent, or those things are showing up again and they are distracting me and they feel very real.
00:23:22.079 --> 00:23:29.359
I even went to the dentist last week, and the dentist has never been a great place for me.
00:23:29.920 --> 00:23:41.440
Um, we could have an entire episode about that, and I know so many people, if not most people, have experiences with the dentist and with teeth that are really invasive and like not positive.
00:23:41.599 --> 00:23:46.960
But I have found ways over time to cope with going to the dentist, and it doesn't need to be so traumatic.
00:23:47.039 --> 00:23:54.880
And they freeze me up now completely when they do just a cleaning because that's where I'm at, that's where my teeth are at and what I need.
00:23:55.279 --> 00:24:05.519
But this time I was having like a full-body reaction to getting my teeth cleaned to the point where I couldn't really control it and I wanted to.
00:24:05.680 --> 00:24:09.359
I was like, no, Sarah, like you're not the type of person that's gonna freak out at the dentist.
00:24:09.519 --> 00:24:10.880
Like, this isn't who you are.
00:24:10.960 --> 00:24:14.240
And yet my body was telling me, this is really dangerous.
00:24:14.480 --> 00:24:16.880
Like, you need to shake this off.
00:24:17.039 --> 00:24:20.720
Like, I wanted to start shaking, I wanted to push the dentist away.
00:24:20.960 --> 00:24:22.960
I had to tell the hygienist multiple times.
00:24:23.039 --> 00:24:24.799
I'm like, oh, oh, and I would like put my hand up.
00:24:24.880 --> 00:24:25.839
I'm like, I just need to stop.
00:24:25.920 --> 00:24:26.880
I need to stop.
00:24:27.119 --> 00:24:31.759
And then I would need to breathe because I'm like, I need to breathe through this because I need to catch a breath.
00:24:31.839 --> 00:24:33.279
I don't feel safe.
00:24:33.680 --> 00:24:38.319
And it was just a lot because I was like, why am I this stressed out?
00:24:38.480 --> 00:24:39.920
Like, this is not that bad.
00:24:40.160 --> 00:24:42.160
Yes, it turns out I have a cavity.
00:24:42.319 --> 00:24:44.240
And yes, she poked the cavity.
00:24:44.400 --> 00:24:50.000
And as I'm saying that, I wish I didn't say it out loud because now I'm feeling it, but it's just gone above and beyond.
00:24:50.160 --> 00:24:55.599
And I have not felt that level of fear and actual physical danger.
00:24:56.079 --> 00:25:00.079
It's as if everything has just become really heightened for me.
00:25:00.240 --> 00:25:12.160
It's not just feeling all these emotions that I can really track and that makes sense in terms of the experiences that I was sharing around relationships, around sex, around being disempowered, all of that.
00:25:12.319 --> 00:25:18.720
That makes sense, but it almost has tripped this wire where now I'm just dysregulated.
00:25:18.960 --> 00:25:26.799
It's like I have this level of fear and this lack of safety in my body that is coming up on a scale that I wasn't prepared for.
00:25:27.039 --> 00:25:30.319
And I'm not relating this to those experiences anymore.
00:25:30.400 --> 00:25:31.599
It's just tripped a wire.
00:25:31.680 --> 00:25:39.440
So I'm going to the dentist and I'm having like a panicked moment and I'm going to my kids' school and I'm having a panicked moment.
00:25:39.680 --> 00:25:46.640
And I've felt myself reach for other coping mechanisms because now I'm like, well, what is this?
00:25:46.799 --> 00:25:47.359
Oh my gosh.
00:25:47.440 --> 00:25:48.880
Like, is this the way I always am?
00:25:49.039 --> 00:25:51.039
Maybe this is who I am and I just need help.
00:25:51.119 --> 00:25:52.720
I need these feelings to go away.
00:25:52.799 --> 00:25:56.079
This is so overwhelming at the point where I'm like, I need this to stop.
00:25:56.160 --> 00:25:58.559
Like, I don't know how I'm going to exist in this state.
00:25:58.720 --> 00:26:02.240
And so I found myself just really reaching for like distraction.
00:26:02.319 --> 00:26:08.880
I'm like, I need to be so distracted that I don't feel and like go to all these places in my brain because it's too much.
00:26:09.039 --> 00:26:13.920
I did a weed gummy last weekend, which that's something that I typically wouldn't do because I'm really sensitive.
00:26:14.000 --> 00:26:16.960
And I've done it before and it doesn't always help me.
00:26:17.200 --> 00:26:19.119
But I was like, this helps people all the time.
00:26:19.279 --> 00:26:20.000
I'm gonna do this.
00:26:20.160 --> 00:26:21.119
I need this.
00:26:21.440 --> 00:26:22.319
And you know what?
00:26:22.400 --> 00:26:24.480
It did narrow my focus.
00:26:24.640 --> 00:26:31.200
It was like I could only feel and see what was right in front of me versus being so open to feeling like a whole room.
00:26:31.440 --> 00:26:32.160
Does that make sense?
00:26:32.319 --> 00:26:35.759
Again, that's like my own interpretation of what it was, what was happening in the moment.
00:26:35.839 --> 00:26:37.200
I was like, oh, my aura just shrunk.
00:26:37.279 --> 00:26:38.240
That's what it felt like.
00:26:38.400 --> 00:26:40.799
And then I didn't have to think about everything.
00:26:40.960 --> 00:26:46.799
And yet I could feel that the hum of like the pain underneath, like it was in the background.
00:26:46.960 --> 00:26:52.079
So in the end, I was like, I don't know if that's worth it for me because I still felt it and I knew I was distracting myself.
00:26:52.240 --> 00:26:55.359
Like I wasn't, I wasn't healing it, I wasn't moving through it.
00:26:55.440 --> 00:26:58.559
But it helped me for a couple hours, maybe just like take the edge off.
00:26:58.720 --> 00:27:00.799
And yet the edge was still there.
00:27:01.519 --> 00:27:28.000
So when I've been able to find moments of peace and safety, like where I am regulated, where I'm not like blasting out of my brain and I'm so anxious, when I find those moments, which typically happen for me through meditation, like if I can get myself to sit still, which again is very challenging, but if I can get myself there and then I can stick with it, I can reach a point where I feel connected.
00:27:28.160 --> 00:27:29.359
That's the words I'm gonna use.
00:27:29.440 --> 00:27:36.240
It's almost like I connect with that other part of myself, that soul part of myself, and I'm like, okay, you're okay.
00:27:36.480 --> 00:27:42.640
You are not your thoughts, you are not just your body, like you are so much bigger than this, and I feel safe.
00:27:43.039 --> 00:27:50.880
When I do that, and when I've found those moments over the past eight weeks, far and few between, but when I have, everything makes sense.
00:27:51.039 --> 00:28:01.039
Like I can fully see how, of course, I'd react to like bringing up all this old stored pain that I was never feeling or I've never realized in my life.
00:28:01.119 --> 00:28:03.279
Like, of course, this would be a big deal.
00:28:03.440 --> 00:28:08.319
Or I can see how precarious it can be to relive intense experiences.
00:28:08.559 --> 00:28:33.519
And I can understand that if I've been living in a freeze response for the majority of my life, right, with all these frozen experiences where I was not able to feel, where I just pushed everything down, as I start to thaw out and I allow emotions and memories and experiences and pains to be felt, and when I allow them to move, like, yeah, that's gonna be real intense.
00:28:33.759 --> 00:28:43.519
And that as I allow for this movement, that I could misinterpret this for being back in that state again, that feeling of, oh my God, this is my forever.
00:28:43.680 --> 00:28:44.960
I'm trapped here.
00:28:45.200 --> 00:28:46.000
I'm failing.
00:28:46.160 --> 00:28:47.359
Like I am completely failing.
00:28:47.440 --> 00:28:48.319
What have I done?
00:28:48.559 --> 00:28:50.400
I'm actually still stuck.
00:28:50.720 --> 00:28:53.119
But no, I'm not stuck.
00:28:53.279 --> 00:28:54.960
I've just unlocked something really big.
00:28:55.119 --> 00:29:04.880
Like I hit a huge nerve, and that means slowing down so that I can still function as this stuff is going to process through.
00:29:05.359 --> 00:29:08.240
And really, the whole point is to feel it, right?
00:29:08.319 --> 00:29:10.000
Because I never felt it before.
00:29:10.319 --> 00:29:17.839
But now the point is to reassure myself as I'm feeling and reliving these things that I'm actually safe.
00:29:18.000 --> 00:29:19.599
It's like, no, you're safe.
00:29:19.759 --> 00:29:29.039
You can share, you can be safe in your space now as this version of yourself as an adult in your daily life, and it's gonna be okay.
00:29:29.200 --> 00:29:30.480
And then you can let it go.
00:29:30.640 --> 00:29:33.680
It will leave as it's meant to, but you gotta feel it first.
00:29:34.160 --> 00:29:39.920
But I haven't been tuning into that need to slow down or to create that safety.
00:29:40.079 --> 00:29:44.559
So when I got plunged right back in there, it was as if I just like forgot everything.
00:29:44.720 --> 00:29:54.079
I forgot all my tools, I forgot all my teachings, I forgot everything to do with the nervous system, everything to do with trauma, I forgot everything because it felt so real, because it was real.
00:29:54.559 --> 00:29:59.440
So, all of this to say that it's just been a really intense two months behind the scenes here.
00:29:59.839 --> 00:30:13.440
And I think sometimes I imagine what I think making a podcast looks like, or what I think other people are doing, and what I envision that whole process to be like.
00:30:13.599 --> 00:30:14.000
I don't know.
00:30:14.079 --> 00:30:22.079
I'm sure we all do this at some level, but I have I envision myself if I was doing this properly, or if I was really good at this, or whatever that may be.
00:30:22.319 --> 00:30:29.920
I envision it as if like I wake up with this beautiful morning routine that's all planned out to set me up for success.
00:30:30.079 --> 00:30:44.480
And I have all these proper drinks, and I do these stretches and I bask in the morning light, and I feel so inspired from that routine that I just sit down and then I have, I don't know, jewel-encrusted phrases spill out of my mouth right into this microphone.
00:30:44.720 --> 00:30:52.319
And I'm organized and together, and I've planned out all my episodes, you know, a month out at least.
00:30:52.480 --> 00:30:54.880
So everything happens with this beautiful consistency.
00:30:54.960 --> 00:31:00.799
And when I sit down and I record, it's oh, just for an hour, and then I edit it quickly and I upload everything.
00:31:00.960 --> 00:31:04.319
And this all happens, of course, you know, before lunch.
00:31:04.559 --> 00:31:05.039
Yeah.
00:31:05.279 --> 00:31:07.920
Well, yeah, that's not my deal.
00:31:08.079 --> 00:31:09.599
That's not what this has looked like.
00:31:09.839 --> 00:31:12.559
This has just been, I don't know, more of a reckoning.
00:31:12.720 --> 00:31:14.559
It's been an ongoing undoing.
00:31:14.720 --> 00:31:24.720
And I have to keep reminding myself, like, I started this podcast for a reason, and the whole reason was to share, to express, to put words to these insane parts of being human.
00:31:25.039 --> 00:31:28.960
And it's those parts I think that can make us feel really alone.
00:31:29.039 --> 00:31:34.960
And the whole point in doing this was I'm like, oh, this makes me feel less alone, or perhaps it makes you feel less alone.
00:31:35.119 --> 00:31:36.160
I don't know.
00:31:36.559 --> 00:31:43.039
I think sharing what things actually look like and not pretending that there's something that they're not, it's just really helpful.
00:31:43.279 --> 00:31:46.559
I think it's really human, and that's all I want from everyone else.
00:31:46.640 --> 00:31:54.960
And I think if I knew what everyone else was experiencing right now, or they're like, oh my gosh, I get these thoughts where I imagine needles being stabbed through my eyelids too.
00:31:55.039 --> 00:31:58.319
I'd be like, oh my God, okay, that's a thing.
00:31:58.480 --> 00:32:02.000
It's not just my weird thing, then I don't know.
00:32:02.160 --> 00:32:03.839
I think that could just be really helpful.
00:32:04.079 --> 00:32:09.440
Anyway, I've got a bunch more episodes to come in my sex and relationship series.
00:32:09.680 --> 00:32:18.960
And I think once this layer of my pain onion, we'll call it, has like shed or it's stabilized or whatever it's doing, I'll be back to share.
00:32:19.200 --> 00:32:23.519
And this is just a reminder, I think, that our lives matter.
00:32:23.680 --> 00:32:28.720
Like what we've experienced matters, and how it's made us feel matters.
00:32:28.880 --> 00:32:34.799
And what I've shared or what I'm about to share and continue to share, it may not even like make you bat an eye, right?
00:32:34.960 --> 00:32:38.160
Because of what you've experienced, what you've gone through, how you've interpreted the world.
00:32:38.240 --> 00:32:39.599
You'd be like, oh my gosh, who cares?
00:32:39.680 --> 00:32:41.359
Or like, why is this such a big deal?
00:32:41.599 --> 00:32:44.640
But really, it's all due to how we grew up, right?
00:32:44.720 --> 00:33:02.319
And what we've learned and how we were nurtured and what we experience and how we experience the world, what we carry in our bodies, what we carry in our minds and our hearts, like what we bring to our lives from all of these angles, this is what sets us up to learn some very specific things and have some very specific experiences.
00:33:02.559 --> 00:33:08.559
And it's not always what that looks like on the outside to others that matters, right?
00:33:08.720 --> 00:33:13.279
Everything I'm sharing from the outside may seem fairly like, hmm, that's not a big deal.
00:33:13.519 --> 00:33:19.440
Or it may be deemed by society or our peers or whatever, that it's not a big deal.
00:33:19.599 --> 00:33:20.480
And I was told that.
00:33:20.640 --> 00:33:24.720
I was told that repeatedly and shown that repeatedly, like, this isn't a big deal.
00:33:25.119 --> 00:33:31.039
But for me, obviously, and what I'm going through right now, it is a big deal.
00:33:31.200 --> 00:33:34.000
And it matters what we do with these things in our lives.
00:33:34.160 --> 00:33:40.319
And for one person who experiences like a car crash, they might walk away unscathed and actually be able to heal and move on.
00:33:40.480 --> 00:33:45.440
For someone else, how they entered that situation can greatly affect how they come out of it, right?
00:33:45.519 --> 00:33:50.640
And they may be stuck from that car crash in their bodies, in their minds, in their emotions for years.
00:33:50.720 --> 00:33:53.920
And they might contend with that over a lifetime.
00:33:54.079 --> 00:34:00.559
But that's where we need to honor ourselves because it's what we do with the pain, it's what we do with the experience that matters.
00:34:00.799 --> 00:34:02.720
And every step of it matters.
00:34:03.039 --> 00:34:08.400
And it has not been a neatly ascending staircase for me that I want it to be.
00:34:08.480 --> 00:34:14.159
It's not this linear progression of just, I'm getting better every day and I'm healed and it's magical and it's all gone.
00:34:14.480 --> 00:34:26.400
But at least I'm showing up for myself, even if that just means, you know, bouncing on a trampoline like a maniac to some rage music and then passing out after eating like some microwave peas.
00:34:26.639 --> 00:34:28.960
Because yeah, it's kind of where I'm at right now.
00:34:29.039 --> 00:34:31.920
Like it's not glamorous, but it's where I'm at.
00:34:32.079 --> 00:34:33.440
So yeah, I just want to say that.
00:34:33.519 --> 00:34:37.920
I just want to say like your experiences matter, and then how you deal with that matters.
00:34:38.079 --> 00:34:42.639
Because only you know what it feels like to be inside of your body and your mind and your heart, right?
00:34:42.719 --> 00:34:46.639
It can look any which way to anyone else, but it matters.
00:34:46.960 --> 00:34:48.800
It so matters.
00:34:49.119 --> 00:34:50.719
So thank you for listening.
00:34:50.880 --> 00:34:51.599
And you know what?
00:34:51.679 --> 00:35:05.199
If I haven't said this yet, if you've been listening or following along and anything that I say means something to you, I would be so grateful if you took a moment to rate or review this podcast on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
00:35:05.440 --> 00:35:07.760
All of it matters, and I'm super grateful.
00:35:07.920 --> 00:35:11.039
So thank you, and I'll see you again.
00:35:11.360 --> 00:35:12.000
Bye.
