Absolute Self-Trust

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It's Divas that Care Radio.
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Stories, strategies, and ideas to inspire positive change.
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Welcome to Divas That Care, a network of women committed to making our world a better place for everyone.
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This is a global movement for women, by women engaged in a collaborative effort to create a better world for future generations.
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To find out more about the movement, visit divasletcare.com after the show.
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Right now, though, stay tuned for another jolt of inspiration.
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Welcome back to Confidence in Bloom, where we have conversations that remind women they don't have to become someone else to create a life they love.
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This season we're talking about collaboration over competition.
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I truly believe that women don't have to compete with one another to succeed.
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There is so much more possible when we support each other, share what we know, celebrate each other's wins, and create from a place of abundance rather than comparison.
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Today I'm so happy to introduce you to Jasmine Kiana, author of Falling Madly in Self-Love and founder of the Absolute Self-Love Movement.
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Jasmine is also an oncology clinical researcher leader with more than 13 years of experience in global clinical research.
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So her story brings together something I find incredibly interesting: a highly accomplished professional life alongside a deeply personal journey of learning to trust herself.
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Through her 12 pillars of absolute self-love, Jasmine helps high-achieving women who feel stuck, burned out, or disconnected from themselves rebuild the relationship they have with themselves.
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There's something in her message that really connects with our theme this season.
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Jasmine believes that women often already know what they want.
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And after years of looking outside themselves for answers, they can stop trusting themselves enough to choose it.
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I think there's a beautiful connection there.
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When we trust ourselves, we don't have to see another woman's success as a threat to our own.
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We can cheer for her, learn from her, collaborate with her, and still choose our own path.
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So Jasmine's welcome to Confidence in Bloom.
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I'm so glad you're here.
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Thank you so much, Tina, for having me.
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Of course, of course.
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So I wanted, let's get started here.
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Like, where did this all begin for you?
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So you talk about women looking outside themselves for answers and eventually losing trust in their own knowing.
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Was there a point in your own life when you realized you had become more focused on what you should do, um, or really what other people expected you to do rather than what you actually wanted to do?
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Yes, absolutely.
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So I feel like we all have these kind of moments in our life where we kind of see it, but how dare we try something different?
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How dare we go against our parents, our culture, religion, whatever that norm is, the thing you've planned your whole life, like how can you start over, whatever it is.
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We have those little moments where it's like, uh, but is this it, or should I do that?
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So I had those moments I would say, probably um in college and pivoting the degree.
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That's tip a typical moment, right?
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And then after college, going into graduate school, getting my first job, but I would say like that big, big, big moment was when I had finally checked all the boxes, got all the things, the money, the house, the cars, the kid, the marriage, the dream, right?
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And I felt the most miserable that I had ever felt in my life.
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Far more miserable than when I was broke, moving back in with my parents, jobless, on welfare, and pregnant.
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Wow.
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Wow.
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And when you say you felt miserable, I kind of want you to describe what that means.
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Because miserable, of course, can mean you know, so many different things to different people.
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Um, you know, but it sounds like I mean you're living the dream, right?
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You had the degree, you had the job, you had the house, you had you had all the things.
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How does miserable fit into all of that?
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So, well, I'll say first off, I had the degrees.
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So I had multiple.
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And it was like, first of all, the feeling on the inside of just emptiness, right?
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You have the things, but you feel the most empty, the most alone.
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Even with people all around you, you feel alone, you feel like this this void, and no matter what you do, it's can't seem to fill it.
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I used to dread getting out of the bed every single day.
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And as soon as I got out of bed, it was like, oh god, I just can't wait for this day to be over.
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Um, times where it was like just wanting to numb out, whether that was alcohol.
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Um, before the alcohol, I was smoking marijuana very heavily, and it was always something to try to numb out, even without the alcohol and the marijuana, then there became the Netflix spinging.
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And just watching show after show, you know, episode after episode, just completely numbing out, right?
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If it wasn't that, it might be food, and just eating snack after snack, knowing you're not hungry, you know, you you're probably I was probably like stomach hurting full, but just eating mindlessly eating.
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So whatever that numbing thing, that tool was, like I would work on one thing, get rid of it, and then next thing you know, I was uh attached to another one, right?
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Spending time with family and friends, but and physically being there, but mentally just completely gone, you know.
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Like it's like after the fact you look back and it's like, what do we even do?
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Did I even enjoy myself?
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And it might be like a beautiful vacation or something that's like, well, how could you not enjoy it?
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And you still find yourself mentally, emotionally absent.
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Um, things like that, and then having physical symptoms, headaches, um, like back and neck, excruciating back and neck pain, and stomach pains, fatigue, nausea, like all these physical symptoms starting to come.
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And it was like not just you know, periodically or here, it started out periodically and here and there, but then it kind of became my life.
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And it's like I have all these things, and I've checked the boxes and I'm here, but why do I still feel like that's that's the misery that I'm talking about?
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Why do I still feel like this is awful?
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Right.
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And it comes down to the body, will your body will talk to you, right?
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But it doesn't talk to you in your language, it talks to you in systems, right?
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And so, you know, like if we're not aware of what we're feeling emotionally, the body is going to make you aware that you have to change something.
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I'm interested to know, like, when you did uh come with this realization, like what did it feel like when it finally hit you that I need to change something?
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Um, I would say a mixture of contradictory emotions.
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So this extreme sadness, grief, a little bit of anger, even because you finally realize you can't do this anymore, so you have to do something about it, right?
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But at the same time, liberation and kind of like this quiet, like unexpected peace, because it's like, okay, finally you've admitted that you you're gonna do something about it and you're gonna pivot.
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So it's like all wrapped in one.
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And so it's it's a really weird feeling because, like I said, you you feel sad, but at the same time, it's like, oh, I can breathe again.
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Of course, it's just the beginning in that moment, and it is a journey to move forward, but even just knowing that, it's like it almost gives you this newfound sense of hope because in that misery and that awfulness, it's like hopelessness as well.
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And you just feel like you're just surviving the day and just, you know, ticking away the days versus actually truly living.
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So it really gives you this sense of like, okay, finally I think I might be able to live again.
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Right.
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And it's almost like an awakening where you start listening and noticing yourself differently, right?
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Like you start listening to, I call it the itty bitty shitty committee, right?
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That self-dialogue, that inner dialogue that's telling us why we do what we're doing, right?
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Now, mostly it's telling us you're not good enough for that, or you're not, you don't deserve that, but it's also telling us, like, don't do that, or you know, why are we doing why are you still doing that?
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Right.
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And so, you know, all of a sudden you're like, hold on a minute.
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If I actually listen to that dialogue, right, I can have a conversation with with that dialogue.
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And and I don't mean that in a let's go crazy kind of way, more of there, you know, I have thoughts of my own.
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I have reason to move forward.
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I'm not listening to it, right?
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So now that you, you know, you've been through all that and you've, you know, you've now you've learned to listen to yourself or at least feel what your body wants, what what do you think you were the most afraid of that might have happened if you actually trusted yourself?
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I would say um the biggest fear was well, I would say a combination between because it's hard to really put one over the other, but making the wrong mistake again, because you know I had already been doing the right things and falling the right path, but here I am.
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So it's like, what if I'm doing it again, right?
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How do I know?
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Am I gonna it's gonna take another 10 years, 20 years?
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Um, and then also what are like people gonna think?
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What are they they're gonna think I've gone crazy?
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Because my change was going from this kind of scientific, you know, very plausible, rational feel to now I'm kind of spiritual, woo, self-love, personal development.
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So it's like it's has Jasmine gone crazy, like what is she doing now?
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You know, and even not even just people in like the career space, but even family members, them thinking the same thing, and especially considering my spiritual belief shifts, like she's going crazy, she's going straight to hell.
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So it's like, how do you navigate the fear of, and we all want to say we don't care what other people think, right?
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That's what we like to say, but the reality is whether it's on a small level, subconsciously, or on a huge level, and it's staring you in the face, to a certain extent, still important.
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Yeah, it's still important, right?
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Right.
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Yeah, I get that.
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I I do get that, but I also do believe, like, you know, the people that love you are gonna love you no matter what.
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And when they see that you're making changes that are making you happy, they're gonna love you even more, right?
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And I can get it, like, right?
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I mean, you went to school for many years, you got multiple degrees, you know, everyone's gonna be looking at you, and now you're gonna go teach people how to love themselves with all the education and all the knowledge that you have, you're gonna go teach somebody something they should already know naturally, right?
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I get it.
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Like, I mean, we've all we we haven't all been there, but we've all seen that, right?
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You know, but at the same time, what makes you happy is more beneficial than you having all the degrees.
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You the you're you have the knowledge, the knowledge is gonna be yours forever, right?
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That's not gonna change, but loving yourself, you need that's gonna change, right?
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And there's nothing saying that now that I love myself, I can put my degrees to work.
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You you can still do that, right?
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You're not giving up on all the knowledge you have, yeah, yeah, right.
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Okay, so which at the time I I couldn't see that at the time I thought it was giving up and a waste of time and all the other rabbit hole thoughts that the committee was trying to tell me, right?
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But the beauty of this whole path is that now I can see that what I did before was actually preparing me for what I do now, and they actually perfectly complement one another and they sync together because the science actually supports what I do now, and it's all kind of worked in this beautiful way.
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The thing that I actually feared the most was actually the thing that kind of gives me this credibility in a sort of way, so it's crazy how right when you actually follow your heart and do what you know, like you said, is true to you, like it all works.
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Right, absolutely, absolutely.
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I get that, I get that, and you know, when you're true to yourself, whatever you do is gonna be right for you, it's gonna take you down the right path.
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It is, it always does, and magically, it seems like magic, anyways.
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Even if you feel like you don't have a clue what the hell you're doing, the universe provides if it's a person, if it's a tool, a system, whatever you need, it shows up at the exact right time for you to make that next step.
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As long as you are following your heart, your path, it just it just works out.
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And this is and it's and there's no like there's no science that can back it up, right?
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Right.
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It just works out that way.
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Yeah.
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I want to talk about something that women don't always say out loud.
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So sometimes, you know, other women's success can bring up comparison, jealousy, insecurity, and the itty bitty shitty committee saying, What about me?
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Right?
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Have you ever experienced that yourself?
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And if you have, like what have you learned about what's really underneath that reaction?
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Yes.
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Um, so yes, first of all, to answer your question flat out, comparison, absolutely.
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That's also one of the in my book, one of the disguises of self-hate that I have listed is comparison.
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Um, and it's unfortunately it's kind of like a part of our culture, right?
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And we don't we don't do it consciously, um, not even maliciously, intentionally, but even from a, you know, from birth, it's like kind of weaved into society.
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Even if we think about newborns and child development, well, are you following the you know the path of developing at the the right pace at the right time versus this is this child child's pace, you know, and God forbid you get behind because then something's wrong.
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So it's literally from birth, there's this sort of built-in comparison that we get, you know, carry throughout childhood, adolescence, and then to adulthood.
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And then next thing you know, it's like you're comparing yourself to everything except yourself, which is the only comparison that we really, you know, need to be.
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And even then, you know, comparing yourself to 20-year-old you versus 40 year old, or even yesterday, you every day is gonna look differently depending on you know what you have for that day, the stress level, all the all these different factors, right?
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So even comparing yourself to you, there's still a balance, there's still some boundaries, right?
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Um, but that comparison is really, it has really kind of in the beginning, anyways, that is what kind of put me in that miserable, awful hole.
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Because there what there are these expectations of what success should look like, especially, you know, if you're a higher achiever, ambitious type of person, um, and you're constantly comparing and measuring up, whether that's a specific person or whether that's a specific, you know, checklist, and constantly comparing, comparing, comparing, and that just stills your joy, it's still your peace, it's still your passion, it stills your light.
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And that is that was contributing to that awful, miserable feeling that I described earlier, which is partially that comparison.
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Yeah, because we never feel like we're living up.
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So when you look back at that and you think about how you reacted to what you were feeling, what did you like, what did you make that to believe about yourself?
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Like, what did that tell you?
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In the beginning, of course, right before I started really, you know, practicing embodying absolute self-love and living that way, it translated into failure, it translated into um a loser, even.
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I was wrong, I was bad, I was behind.
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All of those things that are just not true, right?
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Um, whether I'm looking at it on a like literal level, because statistically speaking, if you just look at society, the things that I had achieved and done, like literally I'm in the 5%, but my brain is telling me, you suck, basically.
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Oh my goodness.
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You suck.
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And it was like a repeat of you suck.
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Um, and it wasn't until I got out of that, because it's this strange thing, especially with like ambitious, especially ambitious women, um, where it's like we kind of oddly think that, you know, this verbal assault is gonna motivate us or push us or get us to the next level, whatever the thing is, when literally it's the opposite.
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And that is what's tearing down, tearing down our self-esteem, self-approval, self-love, self-respect, all the things, right?
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Is we are literally, I had literally become my own worst enemy with the verbal assault.
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I'm talking about a full-blown attack.
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And it wasn't until one day when I caught it, and it was like an autobodic experience of like, I would never talk to anybody this way.
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I wouldn't talk to an animal this way.
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So why am I speaking to myself like this?
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And it wasn't a one-time thing.
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This was like my relationship with myself every day.
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It wasn't until I caught it that I was like, oh God, this is not it.
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It's this has to, this is contributing to the misery.
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I'm thinking it's just the physical things and all, but that was contributing to the void I described earlier, not feeling fulfilled, the loneliness.
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It was because I had literally abandoned me.
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I had left me.
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Yeah, I I like how you describe, I mean, I know it was terrible.
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It's like you make it sound really rough, right?
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But it also makes, and I hope my listeners are hearing, you know, this the same, that when you get like you were at your rock bottom, right?
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When you are telling yourself like on the constant that you suck, right?
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That means in every area of your life, in every relationship that you have, right?
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And so you are beating yourself up constantly.
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Now, I'm curious to know.
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I mean, you've cured, you know, you've obviously embodied self-love, right?
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How how does you, your body react now when that comparison shows up?
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Because like you said, it is culture, right?
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We are constantly, if you're not comparing yourself to someone, the person you're in conversation is saying, you know, wouldn't it be nice to be like her?
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Or, you know, when I'm when I'm you know 25 or when I'm 45, I want to be doing that like her.
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What how do you react to that now?
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So it's definitely not like you wake up one day and you're just 100% perfect and you never have that the shitty thought again, right?
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That's not it.
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But the shift is now you're aware of it and you no longer let those lower level thoughts control you, control your day, your energy, you know, your life.
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You're in control, so you have this awareness, you can catch them sometimes quicker than you know, then later.
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Sometimes it might take a little bit longer, sometimes it's instant.
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Um, sometimes it's not until you get it all out, and then you say, wait a minute, but you at you know, you have this level of awareness and you catch it, and then you can shift and say, No, wait a minute, that's not true.
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Who's actually going back to what you said earlier with the itty bitty shitty committee, who's actually speaking?
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Is this actually my real thought?
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Is this actually me and who I am?
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And you can, you know, determine who it actually is, who what the truth is, and then lean into that truth instead of the lies, you know, all the stuff that's not real.
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Oh, I love it.
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I I love talking about the itty bitty shitty committee, right?
00:21:43.920 --> 00:21:46.000
Because we have we have this conversation.
00:21:46.079 --> 00:21:47.599
I mean, I still have the conversation.
00:21:47.680 --> 00:21:49.920
I mean, and that's the work that I do, right?
00:21:50.160 --> 00:21:54.640
The thing is, it's learning how to question it, right?
00:21:54.720 --> 00:21:56.079
Like, is that really true?
00:21:56.319 --> 00:21:57.839
Is that really who I am?
00:21:58.079 --> 00:21:59.759
Or is that who I really want?
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:03.680
To be right, do I want to be the person who hides?
00:22:03.839 --> 00:22:12.319
You know, the person that you know doesn't want to look like I'm, you know, have it all together or whatever it might be, right?
00:22:12.720 --> 00:22:23.680
Now I wonder what would you say to a woman who genuinely wants to celebrate another woman, but also struggles with her own feelings?
00:22:25.920 --> 00:22:27.279
That's a good one.
00:22:28.400 --> 00:22:39.519
So I like to say that what we give out is what we bring back, draw into, attract, receive for ourselves.
00:22:39.920 --> 00:22:50.960
So, you know, if you're giving out jealousy and hatred or whatever the case may be for that other woman, then that is partially what you are calling in and drawing to yourself.
00:22:51.200 --> 00:23:12.559
So it's only not only to, you know, your benefit, the other person's benefit, but everybody's benefit for you to only wish blessings, good, success, what have you, for that other woman, for that other person, and knowing that as you do that, you are doing it for yourself.
00:23:12.799 --> 00:23:17.119
It might sound weird and strange and like Jasmine, you know, shut up.
00:23:17.759 --> 00:23:20.640
That's like that.
00:23:21.839 --> 00:23:24.480
That's the craziest thing I ever heard.
00:23:24.640 --> 00:23:30.720
Like, no, but that kind of sort of goes back to what we were talking about earlier with comparison.
00:23:30.960 --> 00:23:37.599
We've been trained to think that there's only a limited amount of resources or a limited amount of things in the world.
00:23:37.839 --> 00:23:39.279
So we all have to fight for it.
00:23:39.359 --> 00:23:44.160
And that's where that comparison comes in at because I can't have it and you have it.
00:23:44.319 --> 00:23:45.759
Only one of us can have it, right?
00:23:45.839 --> 00:23:48.480
So if I'm wishing good for you, that means you took it for me.
00:23:48.559 --> 00:23:49.599
Now I don't have it.
00:23:49.759 --> 00:23:51.359
And that's just not how it works.
00:23:51.519 --> 00:24:01.839
We can all win, and we can all have it, we can all live the dream, we can all have whatever that version of there's more than enough to go around.
00:24:02.000 --> 00:24:03.359
The universe is abundant.
00:24:03.519 --> 00:24:12.559
I like to think of it as you never find like a bird or an animal, a squirrel walking around, just like, oh god, where what am I gonna eat today?
00:24:12.640 --> 00:24:16.799
Or like stressing out about the nuts, or like, you know, there's just not enough.
00:24:16.960 --> 00:24:18.880
Like they're they're always eating, right?
00:24:19.039 --> 00:24:22.400
They always have water, they don't need a supply in the fridge.
00:24:22.640 --> 00:24:25.279
They find, you know, they find it, they're living, they're perfectly fine.
00:24:25.440 --> 00:24:29.200
The universe abundantly supplies on a continuous basis.
00:24:29.440 --> 00:24:40.160
And so when you're wishing that good on that other woman and you're recognizing and operating and moving from that space of abundance, you automatically return the same to yourself.
00:24:40.880 --> 00:24:41.200
Right.
00:24:41.359 --> 00:24:42.240
That is so true.
00:24:42.400 --> 00:24:44.240
That is actually so true, right?
00:24:44.400 --> 00:24:51.119
Human, the human species are it like we're just different from all the other animals, right?
00:24:51.359 --> 00:24:56.559
We just don't we have that comparison, that jealousy.
00:24:56.720 --> 00:25:00.480
And I mean, I don't live in the wild, I don't know what the animals are like.
00:25:00.640 --> 00:25:02.960
I'm sure there is jealousy, right?
00:25:03.119 --> 00:25:08.559
I'm sure there is jealousy to some degree, but but not like in the humans, right?
00:25:08.720 --> 00:25:10.000
Like it's gotta be different.
00:25:10.559 --> 00:25:11.440
Yeah, right.
00:25:12.079 --> 00:25:23.359
I would like you to tell me now about a woman maybe that has influenced you in in like a meaningful way and not just, you know, okay.
00:25:24.079 --> 00:25:38.960
So maybe not someone who's given you opportunities, but more someone who's given you like a presence or encouragement, or maybe has set an example for you, or made you believe in something that you could change.
00:25:41.039 --> 00:25:50.799
I would say um my mom has definitely given me a lot of influence, but I feel like that's the maybe cliche response.
00:25:50.960 --> 00:25:52.160
I won't go there.
00:25:52.640 --> 00:26:05.920
Um, but someone that to answer your point that has made me feel like I could like literally change the world, like what I'm doing is changing the world, I would say is my mentor, Erin Worley.
00:26:06.559 --> 00:26:11.920
And she's actually um an author as well of I Am I Create, One Truth, One Law.
00:26:12.160 --> 00:26:31.759
And it's kind of like we met in this weird way, um, where I just Amazon's recommended her book to me, and then next thing you know, I'm like fully immersed in her world, and then she's my writing coach, and then she's my um light work coach and my business coach, all these different things.
00:26:31.920 --> 00:26:38.799
And I used to literally think that she was just crazy because I don't see what she saw in me.
00:26:39.039 --> 00:26:58.240
Like, yes, there's been other people in my life that said you're gonna do these, you know, these cool things or whatever, but her presence and the way she said it, and you could just feel the energy from her, that there was a different level of belief behind that was something that I had never experienced, witness been a part of before.
00:26:58.400 --> 00:27:13.039
Um, and even the way that she runs her business is non-traditional to other business coaches and people that I've encountered, and and people would say that it's insane that she even has the success that she has, and it's like it's it's magical.
00:27:13.200 --> 00:27:17.759
It's like there's no well that she's the only person that could ever possibly do that type of thing.
00:27:17.920 --> 00:27:37.119
Um, but it really is just going back to the things that we're talking about today and operating from that space of I love myself, and it's not even more so about you know, I just help women just fall in love with themselves, and then you magically have this dream life.
00:27:37.440 --> 00:28:05.440
It's what being in love with yourself does for you as you take the steps and live in the world, and what it does to your thoughts and your feelings and your actions, and that really shifts your frequency to this space, this level that starts to put all these, you know, the laws of attraction, all these manifestation laws into motion, just because now you're moving from this space of I love myself.
00:28:05.599 --> 00:28:15.839
So it's not so much as oh, I'm just helping people fall in love with themselves, and then you know, it's this Disney Cinderella magical, you know, life.
00:28:16.079 --> 00:28:28.559
That's not what it's about, it's really what being in connection and relationship with yourself does to you on a frequency level because you are now in love with yourself.
00:28:28.720 --> 00:28:33.519
And that doesn't mean again, going back to what you said that it's perfect and you never have a moment again.
00:28:33.680 --> 00:28:34.720
That's not what it means.
00:28:34.799 --> 00:28:50.160
It's just now you have this different level of awareness and not only awareness of like when you're falling out of that space, but who you are on a deeper level, um, on a bigger, far than you can possibly imagine level.
00:28:50.480 --> 00:28:53.039
And that's what she gave to me.
00:28:53.359 --> 00:28:54.720
That's that's beautiful.
00:28:54.960 --> 00:29:02.079
I always look at you know the relationship with myself as a relationship with someone else, right?
00:29:02.240 --> 00:29:12.480
So my husband, you know, my best friend, my my kids, you know, what would if this dilemma came up between you and your husband, how would you handle it, right?
00:29:12.559 --> 00:29:20.559
If this was me and my daughter having a conversation, you know, and this I'm questioning this, how would you help her through it, right?
00:29:20.720 --> 00:29:26.559
And so, you know, because we we want we want the best for the people that we love, right?
00:29:26.720 --> 00:29:29.200
We don't we don't want to hold them back, right?
00:29:29.440 --> 00:29:32.240
So why are we allowing ourselves to hold ourselves back?
00:29:32.480 --> 00:29:40.559
I mean, sometimes we hold ourselves back so that you know a loved one can, you know, blossom and and move forward, right?
00:29:40.799 --> 00:29:45.039
I'll hide in the background while you do the the blooming right now, right?
00:29:45.200 --> 00:29:46.960
My time will come, right?
00:29:47.200 --> 00:29:49.680
That's the way I look at a self-love relationship.
00:29:49.839 --> 00:29:58.720
It's not about, you know, cowgon baths and a glass of wine, and I'm not talking to anybody right now until my wine is it's not about that.
00:29:58.880 --> 00:30:00.640
I mean, there are moments, right?
00:30:00.720 --> 00:30:05.519
That's a boundary that you need to learn how to set for sure, but it's not about that.
00:30:05.680 --> 00:30:13.519
It's more about what can I do to make myself feel like I'm living the life that I've meant to be living.
00:30:14.240 --> 00:30:14.640
Right.
00:30:14.960 --> 00:30:15.599
Absolutely.
00:30:15.839 --> 00:30:16.079
Yeah.
00:30:16.640 --> 00:30:16.960
Yeah.
00:30:17.440 --> 00:30:18.000
Yeah.
00:30:18.319 --> 00:30:35.279
Now, so for women who are high achieving and capable and used to figuring things out for themselves, asking for help is, you know, maybe asking for help or sharing resources can sometimes feel vulnerable, right?
00:30:35.599 --> 00:30:48.960
Have you ever had a season in your life where you've had to move from I can do this myself to oh my gosh, I think I might have to allow someone else to come in and help me or do it for me?
00:30:49.920 --> 00:30:50.400
Yeah.
00:30:50.720 --> 00:31:04.400
So several times in my life, and it's, I feel like it was easier when I was um, you know, going down like the traditional um college career corporate career path.
00:31:04.480 --> 00:31:16.240
I feel like it was maybe a little bit easier, still in the corporate space, not quite as much because there's this certain level of shame and embarrassment because you shouldn't need help.
00:31:16.319 --> 00:31:19.359
You should be able to figure it out on your own type of mindset.
00:31:19.759 --> 00:31:29.759
Um, but definitely in my personal life, that seems to be the hardest times to ask for help and support.
00:31:30.319 --> 00:31:44.960
Um, whether it be because, you know, I didn't want to be a burden on somebody else, or oh, they have, you know, they have a lot going on, they're already stressed out, or feeling like going back to the embarrassment, shame, like you should be able to handle it all.
00:31:45.039 --> 00:31:52.400
What does that say about me if I need help, you know, with my daughter, or or whatever the case is.
00:31:52.640 --> 00:32:05.440
Um, and then also just feeling like stupid, you know, just stupid because we're smart, we're ambitious, like we should be able to do it on our own.
00:32:05.599 --> 00:32:24.000
We shouldn't need assistance, we shouldn't, you know, need all these shoulds and coulds and all the you know the needs and the have-to's, like all that takes place and you just feel stupid or dumb or unintelligent, which goes against everything for this type of our type of women, right?
00:32:24.240 --> 00:32:38.960
So all of those things contribute, and it's so weird because going back to the itty bitty shitty committee, those are the things that the committee is trying to get you to feed into, but it's not the truth.
00:32:39.440 --> 00:32:52.720
We are literally designed to be these interpersonal creatures, beings, to live amongst society and to have tribes and to have support and to work together.
00:32:52.799 --> 00:32:54.880
That's part of our powers.
00:32:55.680 --> 00:33:03.759
And, you know, we stunt ourselves because of all these things that we have in our head about the shoulds.
00:33:04.799 --> 00:33:05.200
Right.
00:33:05.359 --> 00:33:11.680
Yeah, that word should is one of the words that should not bel belong in the English language, right?
00:33:11.839 --> 00:33:18.000
Like, you know, like should, like we should do everything and we should do nothing, right?
00:33:18.240 --> 00:33:20.240
That I mean that's the way I look at that, right?
00:33:21.039 --> 00:33:24.799
Because it's a word that really it has no meaning, right?
00:33:24.960 --> 00:33:30.079
And I know lots of people have switched out the word, you know, should with get, right?
00:33:30.240 --> 00:33:32.720
I get to make that choice, right?
00:33:33.119 --> 00:33:37.440
And you you we always did, we always did get to make the choice, right?
00:33:37.519 --> 00:33:42.240
But it's a matter of knowing which choice works better for you.
00:33:42.319 --> 00:33:45.039
And that's where the self-love comes in.
00:33:45.279 --> 00:33:47.359
What is really gonna help me grow?
00:33:47.519 --> 00:33:50.160
What is gonna move me towards what I'm working towards?
00:33:50.960 --> 00:33:52.799
Absolutely, yeah.
00:33:54.079 --> 00:34:02.000
So I really love the idea that women don't have to compete for the same piece of pie, kind of like what we were talking about a little bit earlier.
00:34:02.319 --> 00:34:08.400
Knowing that intellectually and actually living it are two different things, and we all know that.
00:34:08.480 --> 00:34:20.960
I mean, we all like that's like you said even earlier, like the culture, like we live in that culture where we always feel like you know, we have to keep up with the neighbors or we have to always do better than the neighbors.
00:34:21.360 --> 00:34:29.599
What do you think has to shift inside a woman for her to genuinely move from that comparison to connection?
00:34:31.840 --> 00:34:44.239
I would say, of course, you know, the obvious thing that I would say is falling in love with yourself, but how do you fall in love with yourself, right?
00:34:44.400 --> 00:34:51.360
That's it sounds like you said, like, duh, like there's something you should already be doing, but how what does that actually look like?
00:34:51.599 --> 00:35:07.199
Um, because of all the layers and layers that we typically have um of like guilt and shame and judgment and criticism, I would say self-compassion followed by self-forgiveness would kind of be that first thing that you really have to do.
00:35:07.360 --> 00:35:10.880
Because then that allows you to see yourself in a new way.
00:35:11.119 --> 00:35:35.440
And then once you can see like the beauty of who you as an individual are, not compares like whatever makes you unique, the very thing that we typically think that, you know, I wish I could change about myself or I hate about myself, that's the thing that actually most likely makes you the most beautiful and the most unique and wonderful and you know, magnetic and magical.
00:35:36.000 --> 00:35:51.119
And in order to truly see that, we have to really extend compassion and forgiveness to ourselves so that we can see that layer underneath all of the years of verbal abuse and the comparison and all the other stuff.
00:35:51.199 --> 00:35:59.760
And then that's when we can really tap into, you know, truly approving, accepting, honoring, respecting, loving ourselves.
00:36:00.480 --> 00:36:00.880
Yeah.
00:36:01.039 --> 00:36:04.639
And I do want to add one more, and that's self-trust, right?
00:36:04.800 --> 00:36:05.039
Absolutely.
00:36:05.280 --> 00:36:10.800
We also need to trust ourselves and have compassion and forgiveness for ourselves, right?
00:36:11.039 --> 00:36:15.840
Because we are not perfect and we are not expecting ourselves to be perfect, right?
00:36:16.000 --> 00:36:22.000
But we also have to trust in the fact that this decision has to be good enough, right?
00:36:22.239 --> 00:36:22.480
Right.
00:36:22.639 --> 00:36:23.199
Yeah, right.
00:36:23.440 --> 00:36:24.400
Yeah, absolutely.
00:36:25.199 --> 00:36:32.880
So, what do you think changes in a relationship between two women when neither one feels like she has to prove herself?
00:36:35.360 --> 00:36:36.880
That's another good one.
00:36:37.119 --> 00:36:42.800
I would say then they both actually get to fully experience the beauty of each other.
00:36:43.440 --> 00:36:58.880
And just being, you know, you this person shining and being their biggest, brightest light, and the other woman shining and being their biggest, brightest light, then the interaction together between the two becomes genius, magical.
00:36:59.039 --> 00:37:07.039
Like the ex they get to actually experience life and whatever that true relationship begins to form and and be, right?
00:37:07.119 --> 00:37:24.960
There's so many friendships that I feel like are held back simply because one person might be scared to shine bright because they don't want the other person to be jealous or to feel, you know, some type of way, um, or hurt their feelings, or whatever that may be.
00:37:25.039 --> 00:37:31.920
Like they're just afraid to be their biggest, brightest self, or they don't want to be criticized or judged, and their friend thinks they're weird, right?
00:37:32.239 --> 00:37:41.199
Um, and we leave out so much when we try to filter and water down ourselves in relationship.
00:37:42.320 --> 00:37:44.639
Oh, yeah, that is so true, right?
00:37:45.039 --> 00:37:50.000
So, what would you love to see women become more generous with?
00:37:50.239 --> 00:37:55.280
Our knowledge, our introductions, our encouragement, opportunities.
00:37:56.480 --> 00:38:08.480
Um, I would have to say, especially for ambitious, high-achieving women, um, I would have to go back to what the last thing you added is self-trust.
00:38:08.800 --> 00:38:33.599
I feel like because we have kind of outsourced so much of our trust, whether that be in a system, a person, a tool, you know, whatever the thing is, we have that is kind of what's blocking us from being our full selves because we don't trust that inner voice, that inner guidance, that little nudge.
00:38:33.840 --> 00:38:39.519
Um, and we're constantly second-guessing, and or is this enough?
00:38:39.679 --> 00:38:40.719
Is this a mistake?
00:38:40.880 --> 00:38:45.440
Instead of trusting fully that whatever this feeling is, I'm gonna lean into it.
00:38:45.679 --> 00:38:55.119
Whatever this action, this step is, I'm gonna lean fully into it, and not only trust in that choice, but let's say, you know, it does fall apart and the shit does hit the fan.
00:38:55.199 --> 00:39:05.440
Trust in that you are strong enough as an individual to handle whatever you know falls out or whatever comes of that decision.
00:39:05.599 --> 00:39:07.840
So I would say self-trust.
00:39:08.559 --> 00:39:09.599
Yeah, I love that.
00:39:09.760 --> 00:39:15.679
I love I I didn't really know that there was such a thing as self-trust.
00:39:16.000 --> 00:39:23.440
And I know that that sounds really almost dumb, but I thought we're supposed to know this stuff, right?
00:39:23.599 --> 00:39:30.639
We're supposed to know that what we're what decisions we're making, we're making for our own benefit, you know.
00:39:30.719 --> 00:39:37.840
And of course, I mean, I'm a lot older than you are, and so I think, you know, when did it hit me that I don't trust myself?
00:39:38.000 --> 00:39:42.800
And I have to say I probably never truly did, right?
00:39:42.960 --> 00:39:49.119
I and I don't, I'm I I I want to be wrong because I did raise three children, right?
00:39:49.280 --> 00:39:51.840
And they're good people, they're good humans, right?
00:39:51.920 --> 00:39:53.840
That was my my goal, right?
00:39:53.920 --> 00:39:59.679
When I became a mother, I thought, I don't know what I'm doing, you know, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know how to do this.
00:39:59.840 --> 00:40:03.679
You know, you look at other people raising kids and they make it look so easy.
00:40:03.840 --> 00:40:08.239
And then you have this baby in your hand and you're like, I have no idea what I'm doing.
00:40:08.400 --> 00:40:09.199
Where do I go?
00:40:09.360 --> 00:40:11.199
How do how do I do this?
00:40:11.360 --> 00:40:11.679
Right.
00:40:11.840 --> 00:40:25.119
But I put it in my mind that my goal was to make these, you know, little humans into big humans and make them responsible, happy, and just generally good people, right?
00:40:25.360 --> 00:40:27.519
And so I think I've succeeded at that.
00:40:27.679 --> 00:40:29.519
I mean, they're still in their early 20s.
00:40:29.679 --> 00:40:36.880
Maybe I I don't have enough proof yet, but what I see and what I was aiming for are equal, right?
00:40:37.039 --> 00:40:42.559
And so there it, you know, I trusted myself enough to make that happen.
00:40:42.719 --> 00:40:57.360
But in my own like everyday living, I don't know that I always, I mean, I'm obviously I've worked on it, I've done a lot of you know personal development on myself, but I think women need to know that you can trust yourself, right?
00:40:57.519 --> 00:40:58.639
It's okay.
00:40:58.960 --> 00:41:01.840
Like trust the decisions that you're making, right?
00:41:02.000 --> 00:41:02.639
Yeah, yeah.
00:41:02.880 --> 00:41:04.079
Yeah, absolutely.
00:41:04.159 --> 00:41:07.199
And I would, I mean, I would say the same thing.
00:41:07.360 --> 00:41:10.639
Um, I don't know until I started doing this work, of course.
00:41:10.800 --> 00:41:21.679
I don't know that if I ever trusted myself outside of, I think the biggest time when we're trusting ourselves is probably like maybe up until that toddler age.
00:41:22.159 --> 00:41:35.920
Um, but then as we start learning about society and becoming responsible, you know, people and decisions and adults and all the things, it's like that self-trust kind of gets eaten away.
00:41:36.079 --> 00:41:37.679
Not on purpose, right?
00:41:38.079 --> 00:41:51.119
But it's almost like in order to trust ourselves as adults, they I'm pretty sure maybe there's a subset of people that, you know, they don't have to experience this thing, and maybe they trusted themselves their whole lives.
00:41:51.199 --> 00:42:14.320
But for the most of us to go on this healing journey, we're pretty much unlearning those things versus learning because that's what got us in this boat, is all the things that we learned that layered on top of the self-trust, and now we're unlearning those behaviors and those things, and then that's what's now uncovering what was always underneath the trust.
00:42:14.639 --> 00:42:30.239
Absolutely, absolutely, and I heard a term like I had a coach once that said to me, Tina, what we're here for is to adult your inner child because your inner child got kind of left aside, right?
00:42:30.400 --> 00:42:30.639
Right.
00:42:30.719 --> 00:42:34.719
And I thought, wow, re-adult myself, right?
00:42:34.960 --> 00:42:40.079
Because I was adamant about I'm not doing this anymore, I'm not doing this anymore, right?
00:42:40.320 --> 00:42:44.400
And when I thought about it, go, well, you're just being a child, right?
00:42:44.480 --> 00:42:48.320
And so I was that inner child needed her voice out, right?
00:42:49.599 --> 00:42:51.360
Shitty committee had shut that down.
00:42:51.519 --> 00:42:57.360
And so yeah, it's like the whole, like, I mean, you know, and and the thing is, we're not alone.
00:42:57.519 --> 00:42:58.719
Like, I know I'm not alone.
00:42:58.800 --> 00:43:00.719
I know there's other women struggling.
00:43:00.880 --> 00:43:11.039
You know, your story is not the same as mine, but it's very similar in the way that, you know, I had to like rethink about how what I thought of myself, right?
00:43:11.199 --> 00:43:15.119
I was always waiting for the external world to tell me, Tina, you're this.
00:43:15.360 --> 00:43:16.480
Tina, you're great at this.
00:43:16.639 --> 00:43:18.480
Tina, you're, you know, you can do this.
00:43:18.719 --> 00:43:20.159
But I didn't know it myself.
00:43:20.239 --> 00:43:22.880
And to this day, I get coaches say, Tina, you can do that.
00:43:22.960 --> 00:43:25.039
And I'm like, I don't think I can do that.
00:43:25.199 --> 00:43:27.599
That's not, that's not my thing, right?
00:43:27.760 --> 00:43:32.639
And they just shake their heads at me and say, Tina, just give yourself a little bit of space, right?
00:43:32.880 --> 00:43:34.880
So, oh, this has been so awesome.
00:43:35.039 --> 00:43:46.639
Now, Jasmine, if someone listening wants to learn more about you, your work, your book, your the whole absolute self-love movement, where can they connect with you?
00:43:47.599 --> 00:43:55.280
Um, so jasminekiana.com, and then jasmine Kiana is also my handle on all social media platforms.
00:43:55.519 --> 00:43:59.519
Um, so definitely DM me, reach out, don't hesitate.
00:43:59.679 --> 00:44:01.440
I'm very easy to talk to.
00:44:01.519 --> 00:44:03.599
I would love to hear from you guys.
00:44:03.840 --> 00:44:10.719
Um, and then I also I left you with um the free first chapter of my book.
00:44:11.039 --> 00:44:17.760
So um I think I shared that link with you so people will be able to uh get access to that.
00:44:17.840 --> 00:44:24.159
And so you have either the electronic copy or audio version if you're more of a listener.
00:44:24.960 --> 00:44:25.840
Beautiful.
00:44:26.079 --> 00:44:28.400
Thank you so much for being here, Jasmine.
00:44:28.480 --> 00:44:30.159
This has I love this conversation.
00:44:30.239 --> 00:44:32.960
I always love when we can throw in the itty-bitty shitty committee.
00:44:33.280 --> 00:44:40.880
And I love that what we talked about really goes deeper than just simply saying women should support women, right?
00:44:40.960 --> 00:44:48.000
There's so much more to a happy woman than just me supporting you, right?
00:44:48.239 --> 00:44:48.559
Right.
00:44:48.719 --> 00:44:50.159
So thank you so much for that.
00:44:50.320 --> 00:44:55.599
Is there anything else that you would like to add and let our listeners hear from you today?
00:44:56.320 --> 00:45:14.000
Um, I would say uh the last thing I will leave everybody with is really that um when we love ourselves, going back to women supporting women, when we love ourselves, it's really just a small piece of the bigger puzzle, which is all of us.
00:45:14.239 --> 00:45:21.199
And you loving yourself activates the next person, the next person is it's really this ripple out effect across the entire world.
00:45:21.360 --> 00:45:24.960
And it comes back to you tenfold, a hundredfold.
00:45:25.199 --> 00:45:35.840
So think about it that way when you're really, you know, connecting with women, other women in your lives, how you're, you know, not just supporting them, but you're supporting yourself.
00:45:36.320 --> 00:45:37.199
Right, absolutely.
00:45:37.280 --> 00:45:37.840
I love that.
00:45:38.000 --> 00:45:39.119
Thank you so much.
00:45:39.440 --> 00:45:42.320
Today we talked about what makes that possible.
00:45:42.559 --> 00:45:52.800
You know, the whole trusting yourself, knowing your own worth, being willing to receive, letting go of comparison, and recognizing that another woman's success doesn't diminish your own.
00:45:53.599 --> 00:45:56.480
I think that's where collaboration becomes so powerful.
00:45:56.639 --> 00:46:00.639
We don't have to become less of ourselves to make room for another woman.
00:46:00.880 --> 00:46:03.519
There is room for all of us to grow.
00:46:04.320 --> 00:46:05.920
Thank you all for listening.
00:46:06.079 --> 00:46:08.239
Thank you for being part of Confidence and Bloom.
00:46:08.400 --> 00:46:17.360
If something in today's conversation made you think maybe it's time I stopped second guessing myself and started listening to what I already know, I'd love to connect with you.
00:46:19.280 --> 00:46:29.920
You can reach out to me on my website, or you can reach out to me here in the Confidence and Bloom community, where we keep having these honest conversations about finding our way back to ourselves.
00:46:30.159 --> 00:46:34.079
Until next time, remember, you don't have to compete to belong.
00:46:34.239 --> 00:46:36.880
You don't have to become someone else to bloom.
00:46:37.280 --> 00:46:38.559
Thank you for being here.
00:46:39.599 --> 00:46:40.639
Thanks for listening.
00:46:40.800 --> 00:46:43.360
This show was brought to you by Divas That Care.
00:46:43.519 --> 00:46:52.639
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