Discovering My Scars: Chapter 9 "43,829 Hours"

WEBVTT
00:00:04.208 --> 00:00:06.392
Welcome to the Discovering Our Scars podcast.
00:00:06.660 --> 00:00:08.906
Where we share personal experiences so we can learn from each other.
00:00:08.906 --> 00:00:10.169
I'm Steph and I'm Beth.
00:00:10.169 --> 00:00:16.888
I've been in recovery for 17 years and am the author of Discovering my Scars, my memoir about what's done in the darkness eventually comes to light.
00:00:17.199 --> 00:00:30.390
I'm a lawyer, a turn pastor, who's all about self-awareness and emotional health, because I know what it's like to have neither of those things, beth and I have been friends for years, have gone through a recovery program together, and when I wanted to start a podcast, she was the only name that came to mind as co-host.
00:00:30.699 --> 00:00:35.844
I didn't hesitate to say yes, because I've learned a lot from sharing personal experiences with Steph over the years.
00:00:35.844 --> 00:00:38.448
We value honest conversations and we hope you do too.
00:00:38.448 --> 00:00:44.031
On today's show, we're going to have an honest conversation titled Discovering my Scars Chapter 9.
00:00:44.359 --> 00:00:47.369
Then we'll share a slice of life, and the show will close with questions for reflection.
00:00:47.369 --> 00:00:50.186
We'll invite you to reflect on the conversation in your own life.
00:00:51.088 --> 00:00:51.810
Chapter 9.
00:00:51.810 --> 00:00:58.808
Chapter 9 of your memoir Discovering my Scars, the inspiration for our podcast, discovering Our Scars, yes, yeah.
00:01:00.200 --> 00:01:08.287
We're going to continue right along, so we're going to listen to the audio of the book and then we'll pause between to kind of do a deeper dive.
00:01:08.287 --> 00:01:14.569
Chapter 9, 43,829 hours.
00:01:14.569 --> 00:01:24.125
I was 25 years old and had been physically free from Nicole's place for 43,829 hours, In other words, five years.
00:01:24.125 --> 00:01:27.688
My body was in the free world, but my brain was not.
00:01:27.688 --> 00:01:29.183
Every day was hard.
00:01:29.183 --> 00:01:34.411
I lived in fear of going back to Nicole's place and of what happened to me while I was there.
00:01:34.411 --> 00:01:37.948
I would hear the screams and alarms in my head.
00:01:37.948 --> 00:01:42.331
I would feel cold and instantly be transported back to my hospital room.
00:01:42.331 --> 00:01:43.584
I wasn't free.
00:01:43.584 --> 00:01:51.689
One thing that helped my racing brain music I played the song set me free by casting crowns over and over.
00:01:52.030 --> 00:01:52.811
During this time.
00:01:52.811 --> 00:02:00.668
I even made a video depicting scenes from my childhood of me in my dorm room right after my release, including my fresh scars.
00:02:00.668 --> 00:02:05.188
Little did I know at the time how powerful that juxtaposition was.
00:02:05.188 --> 00:02:12.884
Each day I felt like the shell of the person I was during the 74 hours of my experience five years earlier.
00:02:12.884 --> 00:02:16.629
I couldn't keep up my I'm a happy human show anymore.
00:02:16.629 --> 00:02:18.365
I knew something had to happen.
00:02:18.365 --> 00:02:21.407
I had to get away from work and look inward.
00:02:21.407 --> 00:02:27.264
I loved my job at Apple, but I considered quitting it because I was not sure I could get the time off that I needed.
00:02:27.264 --> 00:02:30.949
Do you ever feel like you're putting on a happy human?
00:02:30.968 --> 00:02:31.129
show.
00:02:31.129 --> 00:02:32.685
Yeah, sometimes I do.
00:02:32.685 --> 00:02:39.693
I mean not not for days at a time, you know, but for an event or something.
00:02:39.693 --> 00:02:43.308
I might be like you know, I'm gonna, I'm gonna kind of what do I say?
00:02:43.308 --> 00:02:44.070
Or what do we say?
00:02:44.070 --> 00:02:45.775
Like I've heard people say like I'm gonna park it.
00:02:45.775 --> 00:02:50.800
I've even been in meetings like where it starts out that way what do you need to park to be fully present here?
00:02:50.800 --> 00:02:52.685
I have never heard that word before Park.
00:02:52.685 --> 00:02:53.567
Is that a new thing?
00:02:53.567 --> 00:02:54.229
I don't know.
00:02:55.820 --> 00:02:57.525
It's like wait, what do you need In past or meeting?
00:02:57.525 --> 00:02:58.447
Oh okay, what do?
00:02:58.467 --> 00:03:00.431
you need to park in order, yeah.
00:03:00.431 --> 00:03:03.307
So what are you gonna park so that you can be fully present for this meeting?
00:03:04.000 --> 00:03:07.305
Something you told me a while back that I'm good at.
00:03:07.645 --> 00:03:08.145
What's that word?
00:03:08.145 --> 00:03:09.508
So compartmentalize, yes, yeah.
00:03:09.688 --> 00:03:12.052
You've said that to me before that I'm good at that.
00:03:12.252 --> 00:03:12.492
Yeah.
00:03:13.759 --> 00:03:16.268
Like putting things like okay, you'll deal with this now, then you're gonna deal with this.
00:03:16.268 --> 00:03:18.324
Is that like the same thing as parking something?
00:03:18.324 --> 00:03:22.329
Yes, that's like the new cool pastor word, so yeah.
00:03:22.329 --> 00:03:23.301
So what are we?
00:03:23.382 --> 00:03:23.925
gonna park over here.
00:03:23.925 --> 00:03:25.290
What do you need to park?
00:03:25.290 --> 00:03:27.247
I need to park my to-do list.
00:03:27.247 --> 00:03:32.472
I need to park my you know, this person who I'm worried about because they're in the hospital or whatever.
00:03:32.472 --> 00:03:34.605
I need to park this so that I can really be here.
00:03:34.605 --> 00:03:49.527
So that's kind of maybe the the the short term idea of I'm gonna put on a happy human show because it's saying there are things that are distracting me or dragging me down, but I I'm gonna intentionally set them aside for right now.
00:03:49.527 --> 00:03:55.383
But it sounds like in your book, like this is not just a temporary thing, like this is day after day.
00:03:55.383 --> 00:04:03.423
You have something that is pulling you back in time and and you're having to Now that I have an opportunity to do that, I have a package called the technical who fake it.
00:04:04.168 --> 00:04:06.883
Well and I think that's interesting the word like what are you going to park?
00:04:06.883 --> 00:04:07.848
Because you don't.
00:04:07.848 --> 00:04:11.248
You know, with a car you don't just keep it parked, you have to keep it moving.
00:04:11.248 --> 00:04:18.687
And so you're talking about temporarily parking, but then when you get, when you're done, then you're going to move it and work on it.
00:04:18.687 --> 00:04:29.829
And so for me, this wasn't working on it, it was just this was the show I was putting on and, um, not actually dealing with the stuff that needed to be dealt with.
00:04:30.139 --> 00:04:36.454
Yeah, one day I got the courage to talk to our new store leader, marco.
00:04:36.454 --> 00:04:39.105
He and I had a good working relationship.
00:04:39.105 --> 00:04:42.533
He respected me, my team and my leadership.
00:04:42.533 --> 00:04:46.608
When the meeting began, I had no idea what I was going to say.
00:04:46.608 --> 00:04:48.732
All I had was mustard seed faith.
00:04:49.420 --> 00:04:55.483
I told Marco I loved my job and wanted to keep it, but I needed some time to focus on me and my mental health.
00:04:55.483 --> 00:05:00.802
I told him I would like to take a month off and go back to Tallahassee to have some time with my doctor.
00:05:00.802 --> 00:05:07.389
When I finished sharing which I did calmly and concisely he looked at my face with kindness and compassion in his.
00:05:07.389 --> 00:05:10.178
He told me I could go, I should go.
00:05:10.178 --> 00:05:12.286
He didn't want to lose me as an employee.
00:05:12.286 --> 00:05:15.377
He fully supported me taking time off for myself.
00:05:15.377 --> 00:05:21.779
He said he would let me put vacation and sick time together so I could go get paid with my job waiting for me.
00:05:21.779 --> 00:05:22.663
When I got back.
00:05:22.663 --> 00:05:24.790
This was a mustard seed moment.
00:05:24.790 --> 00:05:30.547
It was a moment that didn't seem real, but it was real because it had been God's plan for me all along.
00:05:31.408 --> 00:05:43.245
Okay, I wanted to pause there because you say in the book he told me I could go, I should go, and we've had a lot of conversations about how no one can shoot on us.
00:05:43.245 --> 00:05:47.115
But this was a good should.
00:05:47.115 --> 00:05:48.119
That was a good should.
00:05:48.158 --> 00:05:50.843
Yeah, I knew you would call that out.
00:05:50.843 --> 00:05:59.415
Yeah, I even texted should to my mom the other day and she was like I'm not going to shoot on you and put should in all caps.
00:05:59.415 --> 00:06:01.567
I was like what do you think I should do or something?
00:06:01.567 --> 00:06:04.358
She's like I will not shoot on you.
00:06:04.358 --> 00:06:11.016
I love that it's become such an ingrained thing that we like yeah If we hear should, oh no, no, no, no.
00:06:11.278 --> 00:06:11.377
I.
00:06:11.377 --> 00:06:13.161
You would be surprised how often I use that.
00:06:13.161 --> 00:06:16.891
Yeah, yeah, like that's my advice to people oh, don't let anyone shoot on you, yeah.
00:06:17.180 --> 00:06:24.024
And it's true, because it's something that I think societally like, we just like we do things because we should do them.
00:06:24.024 --> 00:06:26.774
It's like wait, step back, do you want to?
00:06:26.774 --> 00:06:28.620
Yeah, is this something you want to do?
00:06:28.620 --> 00:06:33.391
Like, and don't let somebody tell you what you have to do or need to do.
00:06:33.391 --> 00:06:34.552
What do you want to do?
00:06:34.552 --> 00:06:36.185
Is this important to you?
00:06:36.185 --> 00:06:38.072
And don't just do it because you should.
00:06:39.115 --> 00:06:40.940
But this is an example of a good should.
00:06:41.141 --> 00:06:42.083
Yes, it was.
00:06:42.083 --> 00:06:43.966
Yeah, I like that.
00:06:43.966 --> 00:06:50.843
When the time came, I packed and drove to Tallahassee in my green Honda CR-V.
00:06:50.843 --> 00:06:53.706
During the drive, I began processing.
00:06:53.706 --> 00:06:55.269
It felt like life stopped.
00:06:55.269 --> 00:06:58.057
I was taking a break from the path of success.
00:06:58.057 --> 00:06:59.781
We are told to travel from birth.
00:06:59.781 --> 00:07:04.298
Get a job, work, get a mate, get a house, get a kid.
00:07:04.298 --> 00:07:05.761
I pushed on the breaks.
00:07:05.761 --> 00:07:07.244
No one ever added.
00:07:07.244 --> 00:07:08.432
Work on yourself.
00:07:08.432 --> 00:07:16.857
Learn to be, take time to look inward and make sure you are mentally well, happy and the person God made you to be.
00:07:17.778 --> 00:07:18.822
Okay, I want to stop you again.
00:07:18.822 --> 00:07:21.716
We're never going to get through this job, right, that's right.
00:07:21.716 --> 00:07:39.199
Um, I wonder if this has changed, um, if this is changing generationally, and maybe if COVID pushed us to change this way of thinking a little bit, the idea that you have to just go, go, go, go go.
00:07:39.199 --> 00:07:53.425
You have to set a goal and and it has to be like a straight line from where you are to that goal, and pausing to work on yourself is not okay, because I feel like I feel like people are better at working on themselves.
00:07:53.425 --> 00:07:55.880
Now I'm really nervous to say this.
00:07:56.711 --> 00:08:04.952
So, gen Z and maybe Gen Alpha, which I think is the one after Z, anyway, they, they seem to be all about working on themselves.
00:08:04.952 --> 00:08:22.442
Like, I have a really wonderful almost 20 year old who works for me and she has no problem texting me and saying I've had a really hard few days and I need time for my mental health and we have a flexible schedule, so it's all.
00:08:22.442 --> 00:08:27.889
It's easy for me to always say, okay, no problem, come in the next day or, like you know, do this at home or whatever.
00:08:27.889 --> 00:08:40.864
Um, but she just she wouldn't hesitate to say that, and I don't know if it's because I'm a pastor and she works in a church, or if it's because that generation is better at it, or if maybe COVID moved the needle on it in some way.
00:08:41.144 --> 00:08:42.129
Why are you so nervous to say it?
00:08:42.129 --> 00:08:45.530
Well, I don't want it to sound like I'm being critical of her, because I'm really not.
00:08:45.530 --> 00:08:47.537
She always gets her work done.
00:08:47.537 --> 00:08:52.974
She's an excellent you know employee, um great young woman Like.
00:08:52.974 --> 00:08:58.798
I'm super happy that she and I get to work together, so I don't want it to sound like I'm being dismissive of her needs.
00:08:59.019 --> 00:08:59.761
But that's interesting.
00:08:59.761 --> 00:09:05.740
Why do you think that that is making her seem like like less than, or that like?
00:09:06.101 --> 00:09:07.647
why do you think that it's not?
00:09:07.647 --> 00:09:16.239
That is that I don't want it to seem like I think she's less than because she's doing it, but see, when you said the story, I didn't think anything of.
00:09:17.162 --> 00:09:18.144
I didn't think that at all.
00:09:18.144 --> 00:09:23.083
But you think, by sharing the story, that it makes you sound like she's less than.
00:09:23.104 --> 00:09:35.432
Yeah, like I don't want it to seem like I'm not supportive of the idea of her taking time for her mental health, because I'm all about it, my point really was just that she's she wouldn't hesitate to say I'm going to take time to work on my mental health.
00:09:36.215 --> 00:09:47.366
When you say that to me I hear great job like knowing yourself, knowing your boundaries, knowing what you need to be the right employee for at your job.
00:09:47.366 --> 00:09:48.229
That's what I heard.
00:09:48.229 --> 00:09:55.649
Yes, but when you said it, you think that I'm hearing that she is not a hundred percent dedicated to the job.
00:09:56.553 --> 00:10:08.136
Well, I mean, even in the book, like you were, like I don't know how I'm going to handle this with my job telling them that I need to take time off and that you, you were taking a break from the path of success you know.
00:10:08.136 --> 00:10:12.309
So that's my question is do you think that this is different now?
00:10:12.309 --> 00:10:15.302
If you were in this situation now, do you think it would be different?
00:10:15.464 --> 00:10:38.009
I do think that the younger generation, I do think like millennials, like I think we, you know, break down walls to say, like this is important, like when I was, like in, you know, traditional nine to five, like mental health was not a reason for being out of work, like Apple, now they, you can take mental health days.
00:10:38.932 --> 00:10:39.134
Yeah.
00:10:39.214 --> 00:10:43.693
Like and we were all doing it before, but we felt bad about it when we were calling it a sick day.
00:10:43.693 --> 00:10:53.668
It's like, well, I'm not sick, but I am, but like and you can just call out for mental health day and I think that is great, but we, I think millennials, we're at that cusper.
00:10:53.668 --> 00:11:02.696
It wasn't understood and we had to like try to make those changes and I think the younger generation is benefiting from us.
00:11:02.696 --> 00:11:08.033
Like saying this isn't okay, working a thousand hours a week is not okay, like I need a break.
00:11:08.033 --> 00:11:10.682
I don't know a lot of younger people.
00:11:10.682 --> 00:11:27.456
I do know my girlfriend works at a vet office and they have like younger people that work there like in their twenties and yeah, she's told me stories of where the younger people are like I just need a mental health day, which can be annoying because you need like employees.
00:11:27.878 --> 00:11:31.493
But it's also that balance of like it is a balance.
00:11:31.493 --> 00:11:32.596
I think.
00:11:32.596 --> 00:11:37.028
I think it can be overdone, I think it can be done perfect.
00:11:37.028 --> 00:11:44.504
I also, at the end of the day, it's not my place to to judge someone's journey and what needs to happen.
00:11:44.504 --> 00:11:54.784
If I worked in a night, traditional nine to five today, maybe I would have a different opinion on that and like setting boundaries in a workplace of what that looks like.
00:11:54.784 --> 00:12:10.080
But no, I think that's super important that mental health is brought up in a very normal way, just like being sick with you know flu or something I think you know needing a mental health break should be discussed in the same manner.
00:12:10.529 --> 00:12:29.083
Yeah, see, when I was, when I was working like as a lawyer, when I was working full time, in that way you didn't take time off Like not even for the flu, right, like you came in, you made everybody else sick because any taking any kind of like unplanned time off was completely unacceptable.
00:12:29.083 --> 00:12:31.238
You had to plan your vacation in advance.
00:12:31.238 --> 00:12:41.596
Everybody had to know, and that really needed to be the focus of your life and what your life was organized around, instead of it being that work was just a part of your life.
00:12:41.917 --> 00:12:50.462
Yeah, and and that was similar when I worked at Apple was like you know, you get this and this, but this is when you're required to be here, and so, and it was.
00:12:50.462 --> 00:12:52.594
I do think it was.
00:12:52.594 --> 00:12:59.854
I think millennials are that transitional kind of generation in that sense of, like you had that strict.
00:12:59.854 --> 00:13:09.243
The generation after us has, like you know, way less strict or more open, and so we were kind of that transition where we were like dealing with both sides of that.
00:13:09.243 --> 00:13:16.283
A few days into my time away, I got ready for my session with Dr Jill.
00:13:16.283 --> 00:13:26.957
As I took a shower that morning, I thought about how strange it seemed I was going through all this effort to take time for myself and yet I didn't even know what was wrong with me.
00:13:26.957 --> 00:13:31.195
But I guess that was the point to try to figure it out with Dr Jill.
00:13:31.195 --> 00:13:39.230
I wanted to tell her how I felt depressed all the time, how I didn't trust people and how I had flashbacks to the hospital at random moments.
00:13:39.971 --> 00:13:43.744
Then it hit me Everything was related to the 74 hours.
00:13:43.744 --> 00:13:48.537
Everything I had been feeling these last five years could be traced back to those moments.
00:13:48.537 --> 00:13:53.677
It's as if I never left Nicole's place and the system still had control over me.
00:13:53.677 --> 00:14:05.153
The memories, feelings and overwhelming emotions had a hold on me and brought me back to Nicole's place every day, as I stood in the shower with warm water pouring over my head.
00:14:05.153 --> 00:14:06.797
I had another flashback.
00:14:06.797 --> 00:14:09.530
I was back in the ice-cold shower.
00:14:09.530 --> 00:14:15.114
I had to take in at Nicole's place the first night with my arm wrapped in plastic to protect the stitches.
00:14:15.114 --> 00:14:17.692
There were no hot and cold handles in the shower.
00:14:17.692 --> 00:14:22.677
As I walked toward the shower head, ice-cold water suddenly blasts down on me.
00:14:22.677 --> 00:14:24.471
It was motion activated.
00:14:24.471 --> 00:14:28.254
The water didn't begin to get warm until I was done with my shower.
00:14:28.254 --> 00:14:33.797
The feeling of complete sadness, fear and longing to be home filled me.
00:14:34.885 --> 00:14:41.893
Then, just a few hours before I was to see Dr Jill, it popped into my brain Is this post-traumatic stress disorder?
00:14:41.893 --> 00:14:43.429
Is that what's wrong?
00:14:43.429 --> 00:14:46.833
I knew PTSD was large in the military community.
00:14:46.833 --> 00:14:51.375
I knew it had to do with trauma and flashbacks and that there was a treatment plan.
00:14:51.375 --> 00:14:54.312
I pushed that thought in the back of my mind.
00:14:54.312 --> 00:14:57.452
Then I had breakfast and went to see my psychologist.
00:14:57.452 --> 00:15:02.436
Dr Jill had moved into her new office building since my first sessions with her.
00:15:02.436 --> 00:15:06.615
She had a small, inviting waiting room with soothing spa music playing.
00:15:06.615 --> 00:15:11.677
She called me back and I sat on a large couch with her across from me in an armchair.
00:15:11.677 --> 00:15:14.754
I told her everything that was circling in my brain.
00:15:14.754 --> 00:15:19.395
In the first 20 minutes she diagnosed me with post-traumatic stress disorder.
00:15:19.395 --> 00:15:22.894
My PTSD had resulted from the 74 hours.
00:15:22.894 --> 00:15:26.854
When she said the words, a huge weight lifted off of me.
00:15:26.854 --> 00:15:31.775
I had a name for what I had been suffering from and it wasn't all in my head.
00:15:31.775 --> 00:15:33.110
It was very real.
00:15:33.110 --> 00:15:35.552
It was debilitating, but we could treat it.
00:15:36.785 --> 00:15:39.566
What a relief, right To know what it is it's like.
00:15:39.566 --> 00:15:51.788
Oh, there's a name for this and now I can, with help, I can tackle it, rather than it just being everything is bad and I have to put on a happy human face and I'm just not.
00:15:51.788 --> 00:15:53.793
Something is just not right.
00:15:53.793 --> 00:15:57.452
Something about having a name really helps, doesn't it?
00:15:57.945 --> 00:16:06.114
Yeah, I mean, I definitely remember feeling the relief of that and just that, because obviously I kind of like thought that just that morning.
00:16:06.114 --> 00:16:14.491
But also, as we were reading this, it struck me I think it just now struck me I was taking a shower in the morning.
00:16:14.491 --> 00:16:17.551
I never shower in the morning, I always shower at night.
00:16:17.551 --> 00:16:19.565
So this is so strange to me.
00:16:19.565 --> 00:16:23.730
I have no idea why I was showering in the morning, yeah, like what.
00:16:23.730 --> 00:16:38.136
And then like I, because I wouldn't have had that like flashback, mm-hmm, it's just so like wow, cause anyone that knows me knows like I never shower in the morning unless I don't even know why.
00:16:38.136 --> 00:16:40.051
Like I have no idea why.
00:16:40.051 --> 00:16:45.033
Yeah, that is so strange to me, but I guess it was like what needed to happen.
00:16:45.033 --> 00:16:49.715
It was just like you know it all it all is how it's supposed to happen.
00:16:49.715 --> 00:16:56.427
Yeah, I definitely just I felt like a relief and like oh, this is something I've heard of, we can treat it.
00:16:57.169 --> 00:16:59.870
Right, she, like Dr Jill, knows what to do with PTSD.
00:16:59.870 --> 00:17:02.096
Okay, good, yeah, yeah, all right.
00:17:04.765 --> 00:17:05.949
Now I had my what.
00:17:05.949 --> 00:17:08.929
Knowing what the problem was, I needed my how.
00:17:08.929 --> 00:17:10.211
How do I treat this?
00:17:10.211 --> 00:17:17.126
Dr Jill told me there was not a magic pill, although it could get back on depression meds, but she didn't think that would help.
00:17:17.126 --> 00:17:21.920
Based on my history, the way you treat PTSD is to talk about the traumatic events.
00:17:21.920 --> 00:17:24.897
Dr Jill told me what I thought.
00:17:24.897 --> 00:17:31.753
Talk, talk about the things that tear me up inside and feel like knives jabbing through my heart if I acknowledge them.
00:17:31.753 --> 00:17:34.857
So simple, yet so terrifying.
00:17:34.857 --> 00:17:37.416
All right, so now I'm not so happy.
00:17:37.416 --> 00:17:40.317
I thought we had some magic pills and stuff.
00:17:40.378 --> 00:17:44.520
Right, right, so now you're saying all you do is talk, right.
00:17:44.520 --> 00:17:47.258
So I went from like yay, we have an answer to whoa.
00:17:48.672 --> 00:17:50.719
No, no, no, that does not seem like the pill I wanted.
00:17:50.719 --> 00:17:52.557
I don't want to bask in these memories.
00:17:52.557 --> 00:17:53.654
They're terrible memories.
00:17:53.654 --> 00:17:54.795
They make me uncomfortable.
00:17:54.795 --> 00:18:03.414
I don't want to live in that moment again and again, but your body, for five years, had been waiting for you to really deal with it.
00:18:04.589 --> 00:18:05.654
Yeah, and to release it.
00:18:05.654 --> 00:18:09.240
And that's all you do is you say it to release it.
00:18:09.240 --> 00:18:12.016
And that was no.
00:18:12.016 --> 00:18:14.161
No, I was not excited about it.
00:18:14.161 --> 00:18:19.299
Yeah, I went to my magic pill and the PTSD goes away.
00:18:19.299 --> 00:18:24.897
So what you can do, well, actually there's not a lot of like the flu.
00:18:24.897 --> 00:18:26.325
You can't really take a magic pill.
00:18:26.730 --> 00:18:29.459
There's not really magic pills for many things.
00:18:29.459 --> 00:18:39.237
Well, I think people would say, like there's a pill for high blood pressure, there's medicine for diabetes, there's, you know, like some of those things you can manage with medication.
00:18:39.718 --> 00:18:39.939
Yeah.
00:18:41.613 --> 00:18:45.834
But this and it's, like you say, so simple yet so terrifying.
00:18:45.834 --> 00:18:52.494
Like it doesn't sound like it would be hard to just talk about something, but sometimes there are things that are really hard to talk about.
00:18:52.494 --> 00:19:00.134
Talk about the worst moment of your life and go Right, right, but it works, it does.
00:19:00.415 --> 00:19:02.474
Oh, it is yeah, cause I'm on the other side of this.
00:19:02.474 --> 00:19:03.734
Yeah, it totally works.
00:19:03.734 --> 00:19:11.435
But even now, like reading it, I'm like, yeah, that's not fun, I want to cookie after at least.
00:19:11.435 --> 00:19:19.134
Yeah, truly though now I think about it Like I could have like gotten something special after each of the sessions to like, but I didn't.
00:19:19.134 --> 00:19:19.936
I just you didn't need it.
00:19:20.057 --> 00:19:21.901
Yeah, you just powered through.
00:19:22.362 --> 00:19:36.016
Powered through Dr Jill, helped me understand that what happened to me was not right and the hospital is at fault for my PTSD because of its lack of proper treatment.
00:19:36.016 --> 00:19:38.013
During the 74 hours.
00:19:38.013 --> 00:19:40.732
Everyone seemed so disgusted by my wound.
00:19:40.732 --> 00:19:46.917
I just couldn't understand why this was all they focused on until I started meeting with Dr Jill again.
00:19:46.917 --> 00:19:51.154
She told me they thought I was trying to kill myself a failed suicide attempt.
00:19:51.154 --> 00:19:56.075
It may seem obvious to you reading this now, but I honestly had no idea.
00:19:56.075 --> 00:19:57.679
This is what everyone was thinking.
00:19:57.679 --> 00:20:07.278
For me, self-injury is unrelated to suicide, but after Dr Jill made this connection for me, I started to see why everyone had concluded this.
00:20:08.670 --> 00:20:11.856
I just want to affirm that yes, it is obvious to everyone who's reading this.
00:20:11.856 --> 00:20:15.432
Of course, they thought that you were trying to take your own life.
00:20:15.432 --> 00:20:27.855
That's why they made comments about how deep you had cut and the whole hamburger comment and all that and why they were so I mean, still, they did not do what they needed to do.
00:20:27.855 --> 00:20:29.634
Nothing about it was handled right.
00:20:29.634 --> 00:20:32.239
But I think even the police officer thought that.
00:20:32.239 --> 00:20:35.356
So I just wanted to say yes.
00:20:38.471 --> 00:20:40.637
Dr Jill reminded me that I'm not a cutter.
00:20:40.637 --> 00:20:46.858
I should have never been sent to CRC, she said, because I was not trying to kill myself or harm others.
00:20:46.858 --> 00:20:55.916
I was engaging in non-suicidal self-injury NSSI the act of feeling so much and not having physical pain to show for it.
00:20:55.916 --> 00:20:59.038
My coping was to make the internal pain real.
00:20:59.930 --> 00:21:13.238
According to the American Psychiatric Association's DSM-5, the diagnostic feature of NSSI is an individual repeatedly inflicting shallow yet painful injuries to the surface of his or her body.
00:21:13.238 --> 00:21:22.959
Most commonly, the purpose is to reduce negative emotions such as tension, anxiety and self-reproach, and or to resolve an interpersonal difficulty.
00:21:22.959 --> 00:21:28.717
The injury is most often afflicted with a knife, needle, razor or other sharp objects.
00:21:28.717 --> 00:21:34.557
Common areas for injury include the frontal area of the thigh and the dorsal side of the forearm.
00:21:34.557 --> 00:21:44.619
A single session of injury might involve a series of superficial parallel cuts, separated by one or two centimeters, on a visible or accessible location.
00:21:44.619 --> 00:21:49.376
When I read into NSSI, I realized I was a classic textbook case.
00:21:49.376 --> 00:21:52.438
It's like they wrote the diagnostic all about me.
00:21:52.438 --> 00:21:55.739
It was comforting to have an official name for my coping.
00:21:57.269 --> 00:21:59.317
Again, it's comforting to have a name for it.
00:21:59.317 --> 00:22:13.436
Yeah, I would imagine that you feel less strange, maybe like oh, I'm not the only one and this isn't something that Dr Jill's never seen before Like this is something that is known and understood.
00:22:14.069 --> 00:22:25.045
The odd thing, though, is it was a fairly new realization within the diagnostic for a psychologist.
00:22:25.045 --> 00:22:29.275
Like their DSM-5, like there's five versions of that, I mean there might be a six now.
00:22:29.275 --> 00:22:43.596
Every time there's a new published one, they have new diagnostics and things like that inside of it, and so this was new for the fifth version, so I was kind of dealing with this while it was becoming known.
00:22:43.596 --> 00:22:59.914
Also, and even though it is known in the it's official diagnostic, it's still not like when I tell people about it they've never heard of it, like medical professionals, like they are like what, and so I mean it's in the name, not just a thing of injury.
00:22:59.954 --> 00:23:19.357
it kind of self-explanatory, but it still is not like something that is like regularly known and used in common language because it's there, but it's not something that has, like, hit social media or anything in that sense that I believe I don't like super follow that.
00:23:19.439 --> 00:23:23.058
but but also especially five years before this.
00:23:23.058 --> 00:23:26.237
It definitely wasn't part of.
00:23:26.237 --> 00:23:28.342
It was not understood.
00:23:28.631 --> 00:23:28.832
Yeah.
00:23:30.309 --> 00:23:36.435
You also say that Dr Jill reminded you that you're not a cutter, so can you tell me what that means?
00:23:37.509 --> 00:23:52.559
Well, cutter is the term kind of she used for someone that was suicidal, like cutting themselves to, you know, for possible, like suicidal purposes, and it's very much a distinguishing factor.
00:23:52.559 --> 00:24:00.338
So if someone is trying to, you know, die by suicide, they cut in a way that would like cut the vein.
00:24:00.338 --> 00:24:13.200
Yes, and mine, as they say in the description, is like the parallel cuts lower down, like where I cut or where I, you know, self-injured was not a way that could result in.
00:24:14.570 --> 00:24:24.173
If it resulted in suicide in some capacity, it would have been an accident Like it wouldn't have been, but not I don't even think that could have happened with the way it was done.
00:24:24.173 --> 00:24:32.238
Yeah, I don't know if that's still like the proper terminology, but she would use the word cutter as someone that was suicidal.
00:24:32.450 --> 00:24:36.057
Suicidal and so not suicidal self-injury is the opposite.
00:24:36.057 --> 00:24:46.916
But people still use those terms like actually, sometimes my dad will call me a cutter and I'm like, okay, like oh, I heard about someone else, it's a cutter like you, or something like that.
00:24:46.916 --> 00:24:49.436
I'm like, good job, psychologist.
00:24:49.436 --> 00:24:50.861
I correct him.
00:24:50.861 --> 00:24:53.097
I'm like, well, was it not suicidal self-injury?
00:24:53.097 --> 00:24:53.912
Like how was the?
00:24:53.912 --> 00:24:56.099
What kind of cuts, were they?
00:24:56.099 --> 00:24:57.914
But yeah, so.
00:24:57.914 --> 00:25:02.838
So there are people that still will use the terms interchangeably, and then I'll correct them.
00:25:02.838 --> 00:25:04.354
People are like oh, yeah, yeah, that's what I mean.
00:25:04.634 --> 00:25:05.719
Yeah, Okay great.
00:25:09.049 --> 00:25:12.637
Over the next few weeks I followed my PTSD treatment plan.
00:25:12.637 --> 00:25:19.857
I talked, I wrote, I scribbled real and raw feelings and burned them, as Dr Jill instructed me to do.
00:25:19.857 --> 00:25:22.557
I talked to my parents and my friends.
00:25:22.557 --> 00:25:24.013
I let it all out.
00:25:24.013 --> 00:25:27.378
Getting the hellish events out of me was freeing.
00:25:27.378 --> 00:25:28.894
So was crying.
00:25:28.894 --> 00:25:31.545
Dr Jill liked to prescribe a good cry.
00:25:31.545 --> 00:25:38.393
During our sessions over the month, dr Jill would remind me with a reassuring smile that you are not crazy.
00:25:38.393 --> 00:25:44.721
The police don't know how to handle these kinds of situations, so they bring all patients like this to the same place.
00:25:44.721 --> 00:25:49.922
The place you are in sounds like a place here in town and it's not a hospital you should ever be in.
00:25:49.922 --> 00:25:52.530
They drug people and put them back in the streets.
00:25:52.530 --> 00:25:54.516
Every session was hard.
00:25:54.516 --> 00:25:58.002
They were draining, emotionally and physically exhausting.
00:25:58.002 --> 00:26:00.997
After going through it, I knew I could have never done it.
00:26:00.997 --> 00:26:05.118
While still working at Apple Mustered Seed, faith helped me get to this place of healing.
00:26:05.911 --> 00:26:11.202
As my time in Tallahassee was coming to an end, my mom recommended a new primary care doctor for me.
00:26:11.202 --> 00:26:22.066
A few years earlier I had stopped taking Zoloft because, having been on it for years, I began to feel it controlling my emotions and making me unrealistically happy.
00:26:22.066 --> 00:26:24.653
It was a weird and scary sensation.
00:26:24.653 --> 00:26:32.861
I wanted to go back on birth control as my depression got worse around my cycle, but I had been too afraid to see a doctor to prescribe it.
00:26:32.861 --> 00:26:36.573
Dr K was my mom's doctor and went to our hometown church.
00:26:36.573 --> 00:26:38.817
I was so nervous and scared to see her.
00:26:38.817 --> 00:26:43.535
I told Dr K about my past and what I wanted to do medication-wise.
00:26:43.535 --> 00:26:47.913
She listened and her tone and body language weren't judgmental.
00:26:47.913 --> 00:26:52.009
All the emotions hit me while telling my story and I started to cry.
00:26:52.009 --> 00:26:57.405
I cried because she heard me, she saw me and she didn't judge my scars.
00:26:57.405 --> 00:27:02.885
She gave me the prescription for birth control and restored my trust in medical professionals.
00:27:02.885 --> 00:27:05.732
She has been my primary care doctor ever since.
00:27:05.732 --> 00:27:20.125
I do want to say she's still my doctor today, and so I've known her since this, which was years and years ago, and recently we've talked about the podcast.
00:27:20.125 --> 00:27:33.911
But I realized that I was gay and so I, when my last set, my last doctor's appointment, I told her and I was like not sure how she would respond because well, first I thought it's going to be cool.
00:27:33.911 --> 00:27:37.579
I mean, she's a doctor, like that's like she's professional, that's normal.
00:27:37.579 --> 00:27:52.355
But also I knew her from my church and I know a lot of church people that are judgmental about things that are outside of their worldview and so I really wasn't sure and when I told her it was just like I had told her.
00:27:52.355 --> 00:28:02.423
I was straight and it was very cool and chill and actually every single person that I had cared to tell in my life has been cool and chill about it.
00:28:02.423 --> 00:28:18.413
But yeah, so just like she was with this same thing, just like Great cool, I made great progress that month and the months after I was able to see doctors again and take care of my health.
00:28:19.025 --> 00:28:25.374
I also started to get acupuncture for chronic neck and shoulder pain and unexplainable pain I've had since childhood.
00:28:25.374 --> 00:28:30.432
I had dozens of sessions with my acupuncturist and I'd become really comfortable with the process.
00:28:30.432 --> 00:28:32.810
But one day something went wrong.
00:28:32.810 --> 00:28:42.272
As I lay there, she put the needles in like normal, but this time she put a few in my left arm, not near my scars, just on the same arm.
00:28:42.272 --> 00:28:50.353
As she inserted them, I had a flashback to the needle they used to numb my arm right before they put the stitches in at the ER.
00:28:50.353 --> 00:28:56.733
She finished putting in the acupuncture needles and left the room for 45 minutes, as she normally did.
00:28:57.365 --> 00:28:59.192
But this time I felt paralyzed.
00:28:59.192 --> 00:29:04.928
I knew I could hit the emergency button and she would come back in and take the needles out, but I couldn't move.
00:29:04.928 --> 00:29:05.830
I couldn't think.
00:29:05.830 --> 00:29:08.553
The acupuncture needles felt like knives.
00:29:08.553 --> 00:29:10.391
They burned and froze me.
00:29:10.984 --> 00:29:14.434
For the next 45 minutes I went back five years in time.
00:29:14.434 --> 00:29:17.993
I was back in that tiny emergency room getting stitches.
00:29:17.993 --> 00:29:19.368
I felt the pain.
00:29:19.368 --> 00:29:21.531
I smelled the medical scent of the room.
00:29:21.531 --> 00:29:24.432
I heard the nurse tell me to sit while the doctor worked.
00:29:24.432 --> 00:29:28.095
I tasted my salty tears because the pain was so great.
00:29:28.095 --> 00:29:34.169
I felt the pain, but I also felt the numbness and the sensation of my arm being stitched with needle and thread.
00:29:34.169 --> 00:29:35.970
I felt the pull and tug.
00:29:35.970 --> 00:29:39.233
I had the same sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
00:29:39.825 --> 00:29:43.469
Finally, my acupuncturist came back into the room and removed the needles.
00:29:43.469 --> 00:29:44.030
Like normal.
00:29:44.030 --> 00:29:47.815
I kept myself together long enough to pay and get to my car.
00:29:47.815 --> 00:29:49.430
Then I broke down.
00:29:49.430 --> 00:29:51.511
I ugly cried all the way home.
00:29:51.511 --> 00:29:54.834
I had never had a flashback that bad, that real.
00:29:54.834 --> 00:29:57.873
I was afraid to go back, worried it would happen again.
00:29:57.873 --> 00:30:01.990
Having worked through my PTSD does not mean it's gone for my life.
00:30:01.990 --> 00:30:12.733
Dr Jill told me it would stay with me and I might still have flashbacks, but by working on it the memories would not haunt me and the flashbacks would not completely shut down my world.
00:30:12.733 --> 00:30:15.472
I would recognize the feelings and work through them.
00:30:15.472 --> 00:30:17.148
Dr Jill was right.
00:30:17.148 --> 00:30:22.711
The next week I did go back and I summoned up the courage to tell my acupuncturist what happened.
00:30:22.711 --> 00:30:25.071
I told her about the 74 hours.
00:30:25.071 --> 00:30:27.833
She was so understanding and kind to me.
00:30:27.833 --> 00:30:34.352
She never put needles in my left arm again and I never experienced a flashback in an acupuncture session again.
00:30:35.984 --> 00:30:37.431
That flashback sounds really horrible.
00:30:38.305 --> 00:30:42.595
It was yeah, I can still fully remember that reading through that.
00:30:44.085 --> 00:30:44.586
It was.
00:30:45.449 --> 00:30:50.151
Yeah, I can feel what that felt like in laying there with that.
00:30:51.805 --> 00:30:53.310
But yeah, that's what flashbacks are like.
00:30:53.310 --> 00:30:57.215
I mean, honestly, I haven't had a flashback in a while.
00:30:57.215 --> 00:31:12.034
Like I can't think of the last one I had and it's been like I still deal with NSSI thoughts at times, like when things are just like, when things are seeming like falling apart.
00:31:12.034 --> 00:31:25.952
So probably, like maybe six months ago, I had the thought pop in my head and talk to Jill about it and I didn't engage in it, but I did have the thoughts and she always reminds me like you're gonna have the thoughts.
00:31:25.952 --> 00:31:34.733
It's very much doled over time Like it's not, as it's not something I stress about, it's not something I like get overly concerned about.
00:31:34.733 --> 00:31:55.944
But if I am having multiple things that kind of tear me down, I can really get to that place and I just have put so much work into it that I just remember to keep putting that work into it and just go through my healthy tools to get through them.
00:31:55.944 --> 00:32:03.246
But yeah, I haven't really had a scar kind of pain in a really long time.
00:32:04.574 --> 00:32:20.873
I wonder if there was something about this session with the acupuncturist that obviously I mean it sounds like it was really really hard, but I wonder if there was some sense in which it was a release of some of that, so that it wouldn't continue to wait for you to feel it and address it.
00:32:20.873 --> 00:32:35.711
You know, and because you were engaging in so much health care and so much healthy work, you know, with the acupuncture and with your psychologist and with the journaling and with you know that like that was the moment at which your body could say, okay, now I release this.
00:32:36.365 --> 00:32:37.809
Yeah, that's an interesting look at it.
00:32:37.809 --> 00:32:54.874
Yeah, I mean in the sense of like there was like moments that there was just always gonna be things down the timeline that needed to be released in the proper way and you know, maybe this was the way that this was always needing to be released.
00:32:54.874 --> 00:32:56.808
Yeah, that's interesting.
00:32:57.285 --> 00:33:10.732
Yeah well, I've said it before and I'm sure I will say it again, but I think that it's so brave of you to relive this by putting it down on paper and by writing the book and by now revisiting it.
00:33:10.732 --> 00:33:17.627
I think that that takes courage and I think that people can, even if you know they'll have their own story.
00:33:17.627 --> 00:33:22.153
But I think it is relatable and I think it's good that you've been courageous to share this.
00:33:23.505 --> 00:33:24.368
Thank you, pastor Beth.
00:33:24.368 --> 00:33:35.767
So, beth, we did an episode kind of about holiday season and we just that's where we are.
00:33:35.807 --> 00:33:36.931
we're in the holiday season.
00:33:37.244 --> 00:33:41.115
We're in it and we just kind of got through Thanksgiving and all that.
00:33:41.115 --> 00:33:46.107
So was there anything different that happened this year for your Thanksgiving?
00:33:46.449 --> 00:33:50.329
Yeah, any new members, we had a dog at Thanksgiving which is really unusual.
00:33:50.349 --> 00:33:50.810
Wait, your house.
00:33:51.031 --> 00:33:52.875
At my house oh.
00:33:53.016 --> 00:33:53.557
That's big.
00:33:53.557 --> 00:33:55.451
We also had like 20 humans at the house.
00:33:55.451 --> 00:33:56.053
Oh and humans.
00:33:57.568 --> 00:34:00.849
Yeah, but my daughter Hannah, who's been a guest on the podcast.
00:34:00.849 --> 00:34:05.970
She got a dog a few months ago and yes, that's big.
00:34:06.069 --> 00:34:07.011
You guys are not dog people.
00:34:07.071 --> 00:34:07.855
We're not dog people.
00:34:07.894 --> 00:34:08.476
You and your husband.
00:34:08.925 --> 00:34:12.588
And both of my kids said as soon as I move out, I'm getting a pet.
00:34:12.668 --> 00:34:14.112
Yes, and they did Rebels.
00:34:14.112 --> 00:34:14.532
I love it.
00:34:14.532 --> 00:34:15.556
They did so.
00:34:15.556 --> 00:34:30.231
My son got a cat and Hannah went to the county shelter and adopted a dog and he's very sweet, very chill, and his name is Scooby Scooby-oo, because he's sort of looks like Scooby.
00:34:30.231 --> 00:34:35.429
Mainly he's the same color as Scooby, and not so much in the face but in his body he looks like Scooby.
00:34:40.514 --> 00:34:50.829
And when we knew that she was gonna, that she was gonna make a dog a part of her life, my husband was very much like I need everyone to understand that the dog cannot come to the house.
00:34:50.829 --> 00:34:53.271
My gosh, we are not going to take care of the dog.
00:34:53.271 --> 00:34:56.974
This dog is not going to be our responsibility in any way.
00:34:56.974 --> 00:34:58.809
This is a hundred percent on her.
00:34:58.809 --> 00:35:02.293
And I was like okay, whatever.
00:35:02.293 --> 00:35:06.969
And he communicated that to her very clearly and I was like that's really between them.
00:35:06.969 --> 00:35:21.385
And then it got to be Thanksgiving week and we wanted her to be with us all day on Thanksgiving and she was like well, I am taking care of Scooby and so I'll need to bring him no-transcript.
00:35:21.385 --> 00:35:24.358
Suddenly her dad was like okay, no problem.
00:35:24.358 --> 00:35:36.960
And Scooby was at the house Thanksgiving day and all day Black Friday because she and I and other folks in the family went shopping and then all day Saturday, because she also had plans all day that day.
00:35:37.269 --> 00:35:41.420
Did your husband babysit when you were he dog sat, he dog sat, he dog sat.
00:35:41.420 --> 00:35:42.512
What did Scooby do?
00:35:42.853 --> 00:35:43.356
during the day.
00:35:43.356 --> 00:35:53.626
He well, he's like very chill, like he'll walk around some and then he'll sit down, and you know, he's just got that kind of dog, yeah, so he just like chilled with your husband.
00:35:53.909 --> 00:35:55.635
Yeah, he just chilled, it was really easy.
00:35:55.635 --> 00:35:56.679
Did he hang out in the gr-?
00:35:56.679 --> 00:35:58.597
Was your husband working on cars or anything?
00:35:58.597 --> 00:35:59.974
No, he was watching football.
00:36:00.315 --> 00:36:01.438
Oh okay, yeah, yeah.
00:36:01.438 --> 00:36:03.215
So they sat and watched football together basically.
00:36:03.215 --> 00:36:08.838
But what was really funny is when I I was kind of telling some people at church about it, I was like I can't believe it.
00:36:08.838 --> 00:36:11.815
But Steve was like yeah, he can come over on Thanksgiving.
00:36:11.815 --> 00:36:21.576
And they were like you didn't know he was gonna say that and I was like no, I mean he's been pretty adamant, consistently adamant, about this and they were like we totally knew he was gonna change his mind.
00:36:22.190 --> 00:36:26.121
We totally knew that he would do whatever Hannah wanted him to do and I was like, oh, that's a good point.
00:36:26.121 --> 00:36:27.514
I should have looked at it from that angle.
00:36:28.769 --> 00:36:31.878
But he didn't even say like, bring his crate, keep him crated, do you say?
00:36:31.898 --> 00:36:32.420
anything like that.
00:36:32.420 --> 00:36:44.132
No, he did ask her to get something in case Scooby needed to be in the yard like a long like, like a long dog run kind of thing, yeah, a tether yeah, but it ended up we didn't even use that Like she put it.
00:36:44.132 --> 00:36:50.398
She went and she, you know, put it in the ground on Thursday morning and everything, but he stayed in the house the whole time.
00:36:50.398 --> 00:36:55.318
He did not stay with us overnight, but he was there all day for three days in a row.
00:36:56.210 --> 00:37:01.219
So when Hannah goes out of town, you'll definitely be keeping him overnight, right, that's what it sounds like I don't know.
00:37:01.449 --> 00:37:03.518
Maybe if we could crate him, maybe.
00:37:03.849 --> 00:37:04.693
Well, doesn't she crate him?
00:37:05.469 --> 00:37:05.550
No.
00:37:05.570 --> 00:37:06.934
During the day, not anymore.
00:37:07.333 --> 00:37:07.715
Not anymore.
00:37:07.715 --> 00:37:08.838
Oh, okay yeah.
00:37:09.579 --> 00:37:17.239
So you could also gait him in an area, like I do with Tosh at night yeah that's true, and I mean she's super chill with that.
00:37:17.239 --> 00:37:27.059
She actually likes that comfort of having that like space, but it's not like a super small crate or anything, so you could gait her in like an area of your room or something.
00:37:27.059 --> 00:37:32.416
Maybe we could, although she hasn't asked you to keep him overnight but it sounds like it's gonna happen.
00:37:32.797 --> 00:37:33.378
It's gonna happen.
00:37:33.378 --> 00:37:34.574
You guys are gonna have your own.
00:37:34.574 --> 00:37:46.338
My mom was never a dog person, my parents aren't and my mom, like when I told her I wanted to get Greyhound, she was like, okay, that's your house you know, and she absolutely loves my Greyhounds.
00:37:46.338 --> 00:37:53.420
When I had, you know, I had Mack and Tosh and and she just like loved just playing with them and everything.
00:37:53.420 --> 00:37:58.817
And Mack passed away, you know, almost a year ago, and my mom's always like, when are you getting?
00:37:58.838 --> 00:37:59.418
a second.
00:37:59.418 --> 00:38:05.735
You know she's, she's ready for me to have more dogs and, yeah, I could, she.
00:38:05.896 --> 00:38:07.711
I could see her possibly having a dog one day.
00:38:07.711 --> 00:38:12.699
Although she likes me doing all the stuff and she's good to play with them, right, she does enjoy that aspect.
00:38:13.291 --> 00:38:16.757
Yes, I still do not want a dog, but I'm happy to hang out with Hannah's dog.
00:38:16.757 --> 00:38:26.516
And I don't mind helping out more because I care about Hannah than because I care about the dog, if that makes sense, like I care about the dog because it is important to Hannah.
00:38:26.516 --> 00:38:27.552
Yes, yeah.
00:38:28.210 --> 00:38:31.420
I think my mom cares about me but loves my dogs.
00:38:31.420 --> 00:38:41.355
I think you can't not like when you, just when they like cuddle with you, it's like okay, well, here's my bank account information.
00:38:41.355 --> 00:38:42.277
Get what you need.
00:38:43.070 --> 00:38:47.878
I did intentionally go and buy treats because I was like and I will be buying Scooby's love with treats.
00:38:47.878 --> 00:38:49.851
Scooby's love, that's what I did.
00:38:49.851 --> 00:38:57.376
Yeah, so well, actually, hannah actually brought some over and she labeled him that Scooby's love, yes, but then I went and got him some better ones, oh, Full moon.
00:38:57.510 --> 00:39:00.318
That brand makes really good like natural dog treats.
00:39:00.318 --> 00:39:03.315
It's like just chicken and they have my target.
00:39:03.315 --> 00:39:04.492
Like you could eat it.
00:39:04.492 --> 00:39:05.135
It's human grade.
00:39:05.230 --> 00:39:07.668
They call it human grade, but no, I have not eaten that much.
00:39:07.668 --> 00:39:08.894
Yeah, I'm not going to try that.
00:39:08.894 --> 00:39:14.739
I'm not an adventurous eater anyway, so not going to eat a dog treat.
00:39:16.969 --> 00:39:19.699
As we now say, adventurous eaters mean you'll eat dog treats.
00:39:19.699 --> 00:39:28.753
Well, you know, to be fair, my girlfriend works at a vet's office and she says they have tried a lot of dog treats there and she's an adventurous eater.
00:39:28.753 --> 00:39:31.356
So maybe you're right Adventurous eaters mean you'll also eat dog treats.
00:39:32.452 --> 00:39:33.777
Yeah, I just have standards.
00:39:33.777 --> 00:39:36.918
Even if it's human grade, it might not be Beth grade.
00:39:41.581 --> 00:39:42.001
I love it.
00:39:42.001 --> 00:39:48.429
At the Niveach episode we end with questions for reflection.
00:39:48.429 --> 00:39:55.090
These are questions based on today's show that Beth will read and leave a little pause between for you to answer to yourself, or you can find a PDF on our website.
00:39:56.032 --> 00:40:01.539
Number one is there music that you go to when you're dealing with hard realities in your life?
00:40:01.539 --> 00:40:07.335
Number two are there times when you feel like you're putting on a happy human show?
00:40:07.335 --> 00:40:11.278
Number three have you ever had a flashback?
00:40:11.278 --> 00:40:13.416
Describe what it felt like and what it was about?
00:40:13.416 --> 00:40:21.440
Number four can you relate to the idea that having a name for something, a diagnosis, makes it easier to deal with?
00:40:21.440 --> 00:40:27.318
And number five on a scale of one to 10, how much do you trust the medical profession?
00:40:27.318 --> 00:40:29.958
How does that impact how often you see a doctor?
00:40:32.349 --> 00:40:33.989
This has been the Discovering Our Scarves podcast.
00:40:33.989 --> 00:40:34.793
Thank you for joining us.