Ep 123: Jekyll Island

WEBVTT
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Hey, come out and see me on tour.
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I'm gonna be on the road.
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Come out and see me July 9th.
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I will be at Raleigh, North Carolina.
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And then July 23rd, I will be at Helium in Indianapolis.
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And then on July 30th through August 2nd, I will be at the St.
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Charles Funny Bone in St.
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Charles, Missouri.
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Come out, see a show.
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Can't wait to see you there.
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Here's the episode.
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Uh hey everybody, that's crooked as hell.
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How's everybody doing?
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We're here, we're queer, and we're in Georgia.
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We're here.
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Someone walking by might have heard me say that.
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Who cares?
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Well, like it's not June anymore.
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You can't be as queer as you used to be.
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We just celebrated you as much as we could at a Home Depot, and now we gotta get back to Brass Tax.
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But I know we are here.
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We're in Georgia.
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I thought we were in Florida until I realized it's Georgia.
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That's what's cool about driving across the country, is you can be like, hey, where am I?
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Doesn't matter.
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Because it looks like Florida.
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But I am at a beach that is.
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If if this was a horror movie, I would come up to the edge of the water and be like, what is all this gunk?
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But instead, there are families that are swimming in it.
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And I guess that it's fine.
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I guess that's just like ocean foam.
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But also this whole family's about to get on a uh like a jet ski.
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Or that's why I call them a jet ski, but I think they're actually called sea-dos.
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Or sea don'ts if you fucking if you're not careful about it.
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But God, dude, how do I get why didn't I do that as a career?
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Why the fuck didn't I do the drive?
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I'll drive you around, I'll drive you around on my sweet sea do.
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Don't I seem like a guy who would have done that?
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I seem like a sea-doo guy, right?
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I seem like a guy that you meet, you're like, dude, that guy.
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I didn't even see that guy coming.
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I don't see that guy coming, but that's how sea do he is.
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What are you even talking about, Bob?
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I actually don't know.
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I'm at the beach trying to enjoy it.
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And it's so hot out that we had to pick the podcast in the shade.
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You know how much I hate that?
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My phone can't handle that it's not that it's just not that bad out there.
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Well, I'm like, yeah, it's kind of hot, but then my cell phone is like, we can't handle it.
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But here's a restaurant in Japan that we accidentally looked up when you looked up um a neighborhood you want to go to to see your friend.
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You ever like type in half your address and then it'll send you like to Taiwan, and it's like, do you want to walk there?
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You're like, no.
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You sure there are any short closer places?
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Why would that why would there be?
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Oh, this whole family getting on a sea dew.
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Really, it really makes you it really makes you think about, you know, it really makes you think about how lucky we are to be at a time when the world is, you know, so cool that you can go with your family to like a pretty dirty ocean and whop-whop around with some sea dudes.
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Which I used to do as a kid too.
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Oh, they're yelling, they're family yelling at each other now.
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Hi, Dylan.
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If you ain't gonna come out here, you better take a bunch of pictures.
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I swear to God, I'll kick your ass.
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Isn't it so funny that people we still haven't figured that one out?
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Like, there's still so many things, and people are like, Yeah, I'll yell and hit my family.
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You're like, I don't think you're supposed to do that.
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You're like, shut the fuck up.
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Dylan, I'm gonna kick your ass if you don't take pictures.
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Because you're too fucking scared of sea dudes.
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I'm not scared of sea dudes.
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I get C sick.
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Oh, yeah, sounds like C dick, you little pussy.
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I'm your son, mother.
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God, what a great country.
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Like, because other people, you know, they'll be like, you know, those countries aren't great, they don't have a lot, but you know what they do have loyalty and a good family.
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We don't need that here.
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You don't need that.
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You call someone on the 4th of July, you say, I love you.
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Good to hear from you.
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Great.
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Now please let me get back to my fucking life.
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Dude, isn't that so funny?
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Whenever someone will like, uh do you ever have someone like text you?
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Like, I had someone text me the other day, like, hey, I miss you.
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And I was like, Dude, I miss you too.
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And so I gave them a call, and then they're like, What's up?
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I was like, I was like, Well, you said you miss me.
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I was like, I miss you too.
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I was just making sure I was just gonna check in, they're like, No, I was just drunk and wanted no.
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Ugh.
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Are you okay, man?
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You know, this is why we don't talk.
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Oh, fuck.
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I also, this is like a joke that I'm trying to work on, but this sincerely happened the other day.
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You ever have a family member out of nowhere relinquish?
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They're like, I'm gonna they'd stop saying I love you.
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Like I talked to a family member that I've told her I love her since is I could say I love you, probably.
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And I was like, oh my god, good to see you.
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And I told her, I was like, I love you.
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And they were like, It's Wednesday.
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I hate how my shoulders just went up.
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Also, I hate how I look in a tank top.
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I this it's so funny.
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It like in a tank top, I look like I I don't know how to explain it.
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I feel like, yeah, I look like I just got out of I look like I just got a surgery, and I was like, my they're like, it didn't go well, but you can go to the beach really quick, and then we have to put you down.
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I'm like, what?
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We're sponsored by Taco Bell and Pizza Hut.
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God, I miss those connections.
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Why don't they do that anymore?
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Like a hot topic in like uh fucking Annie Ann's talk to the devil, eat a pretzel.
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I would talk to the devil if he was making Annie Ann's pretzels.
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Yeah, I think I believe in the devil now.
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Dude, is there anything that smells better than Annie Ann's pretzels?
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Maybe Annie Ann's pussy.
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Okay, hold on.
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I'm assuming she's in a she started a business.
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And she's an ant.
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Gloss.
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Bobby honestly flicking gloss.
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Hold on.
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And now here's a word from our sponsors.
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Has your penis fallen off?
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Has it?
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Call me.
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Tell me about it.
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Because I had that same thing happen and I'm trying to find other people this happened to.
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Call me.
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Remember the number.
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I couldn't figure out how to get the font at the bottom.
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So it's it's 888-684-4864.
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Extension.
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Very fucking important.
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3114.
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And you have to say it, don't type it because some people I don't even want to get into it.
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They'll go 3-1-1, and they hit it so fast that that my so AI is kind of dumb, even though it is smart, is that it thinks that's you're typing to two, so it'll go to 3-2-4.
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That's Cheryl.
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You don't want to call Cheryl, you gotta call me.
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Cheryl Accounting.
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Oh, she's always counting.
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And I can be accounting on her too.
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I could be accounting on her that she's always gonna bring me an extra turkey sandwich.
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Bobby, what the fuck are you talking about?
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I don't know.
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I'm at the beach.
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It's so hot out.
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That's it.
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It's so hot that I'm in the shade.
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You can't even see me sometimes.
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Sometimes you can't even make out who I am.
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Whoa, do I have red hair?
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Am I a wethead?
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Hey, does the carpet match my pussy?
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Guys it.
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Oh, God.
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I've been really fortunate too.
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I've had a lot of people message me and be like, dude, we really love the podcast.
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I just saw this part, I like this part, and people let me know.
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And it just it must be those people.
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I'm getting messages from everyone who does watch it.
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I can't wait to have you know over 300 subscribers.
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It's gonna be crazy.
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Like I and everyone, and dude, it's so fun having a podcast because we all thought, dude, we all we all saw Mark Marin.
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We were like, yeah, I may want to do that with a podcast.
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Let me see Theo Vaughn take off.
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You're like, okay, let's go.
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Podcasts fucking are fun, dude.
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And now I'm like talking to comics, and it just feels like it just feels like we're like all you know in that like truck that's going to like the next battle in war, and we're just all like, I miss home.
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I can't be talking about Vietnam all the time.
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I'm running out to fucking shit to talk about.
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And then I'm the one that's like in the truck.
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I'm like, we can't give up.
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We're down 36 to 2.
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They're like, it's war, it's not a football game.
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I'm like, oh, then I'm actually really fucking scared too.
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God, I want to ride one of those fucking C-dus.
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God, I would kill for it to just cut right now, and you would see me out there just being like, Raleigh! Raleigh, North Carolina, it's Bobby Jacobs.
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Oh, dude, if I get money, you'll never hear from me again.
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You're lucky that you get all my ideas and stuff now while I'm poor, because I am not sticking around if I find a dime.
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If I get money, I will act like Jeff Propest at the end of Survivor when they're like, I'm gonna tally up the final votes.
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And then he goes from like the island and he gets on a jet ski and he's like and he fucking rides from like I don't, I have no they're from they're like literally in South, they're like in South America, and then he takes it to like fucking Los Angeles.
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Dude, that's a movie I do want to like see is Jeff Propes like taking the whole thing there.
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It's like the actual Odyssey or whatever.
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I know they remade it with that one fucking movie.
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Shut up.
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That movie's fucking shut up, shut up, shut up.
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You've never seen I have, I just can't.
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I'm shut up.
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Shut the f actual fuck up.
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I can still hear you.
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Shut up.
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This kid's running up on the beach, and if he comes and calls me a pussy, I'm gonna fucking kill myself.
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Hey, we were just thinking before we went into about jet skis, we wanted to say that you kind of look like a pussy.
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So I'll see you waiter though.
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Hey, um, uh, me and my family over there, my mom said I could say this.
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My mom said I could say she said, uh, we all watching you and your podcast probably sucks.
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Is that's probably a podcast, and you're a big pussy, so I'll see you waiter.
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We're gonna go wide jet skis.
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You cannot come with us.
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Okay.
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But no, for real, I mean this.
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If you if I ever get any amount of money, Jeff, I'm Jeff Propes on at the end of Survivor, just bum bum bum.
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And then I get on land and I get on a dirt bike bam bam bam.
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Do I just I don't even get gas and things, I just get I buy a new one.
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I'll just buy a new thing.
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That's what I like, is that's what I think is my thing that I like, and it's not carza, it's transportation.
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Oh, that must be autism.
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My name is Tism.
00:11:48.799 --> 00:11:49.759
It's autism.
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It's tism.
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It's um.
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Dude, my friend opened it for me steel, and he's his autism, so I can talk about it.
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I don't think you dude, I keep beating I keep meeting so many people with autism that actually is it okay now if I if you when you meet someone who actually don't have autism.
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Socks don't bother me as much as you would think.
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And um I'm not gonna keep talking about it.
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Dude, I just meet I just like so many people, and then like they're like, Yeah, I just found out I had autism.
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I'm like, oh, okay.
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Do you remember I told you I tried to end it all?
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Do you remember I told you I tried to end it all, and I was feeling like I gotta get off of this plant, and I felt so sad of them that you were like, yeah, I don't like like a lot of this right now.
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I'm like, me either.
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I don't like how it sounds in my head, so I want to go either.
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I thought some lady just said something crazy, so I had to look, but she was just talking probably regular would be my guess.
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That's just my guess.
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I smiled at these ladies, and they didn't even smile back.
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Dude, I eat goldfish, and they're even the snack smiles back, bitch.
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Oh, you when you came to the beach you put on your sunscreen but left your friendliness in the car?
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Okay, we'll hope it doesn't overheat and die.
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Fucking stupid bitch.
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Fucking stupid fucking bitch.
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No, but I don't mean it like that.
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Oh my god.
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But no, I'm uh I'm about halfway through.
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I've been on tour for like two months, and it's not a real it's what else would you call it?
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Oh my god, is that old man wearing a sea-doo?
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No, is that old man he just has a sea-doo where a dick should go?
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No, I thought he was wearing a speedo, and I was like, no fucking way.
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I'm getting I you know what I will I do think because like right now I don't care enough, but it's like to be that old man that doesn't care where you're wearing a speedo, you're tanning because you're like, you know, it's not good for your skin.
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You're like, neither is being 90.
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Because you you can be there two old men.
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You can be the guy who's like at the beach doing that, wearing a speedo or whatever, or you're that guy who just stares at women and then looks them up and down and then goes, like, I just the amount of times I'm at like you'll have like a female friend with you, and you'll watch an old guy like stop what he's doing, look I like literally lick his lips up and down, and then you just have to just be like, Okay, well, I guess he was in Vietnam, so he can do that.
00:14:48.240 --> 00:14:51.759
I don't I actually really don't know though.
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Dude, I need to get Buff again.
00:15:03.200 --> 00:15:05.440
I need to get Warren Buffett on the phone.
00:15:05.679 --> 00:15:08.080
Um, I haven't worked out in a long time.
00:15:08.240 --> 00:15:12.399
I bet like I keep like I stay like lightly, I feel like in shape or whatever, I don't know what that means.
00:15:12.559 --> 00:15:19.200
But like I need to start working out again because when you're working out, dude, you just feel so much better than people, and I think that's kind of what I'm missing.
00:15:19.360 --> 00:15:24.559
Because what I've been having is like too much empathy, where you're like, Man, I want to like get along and see where people are coming from.
00:15:24.639 --> 00:15:28.399
That's a fucking big ass waste of asshole time.
00:15:28.720 --> 00:15:30.159
Are you serious?
00:15:31.120 --> 00:15:32.799
What do you think they're thinking?
00:15:33.120 --> 00:15:33.919
Shut the fuck up.
00:15:34.159 --> 00:15:44.720
You ever have someone you'll talk to someone and they'll be like, well, think about what that what's going on in their mind, and you're like, oh, okay, because they're probably doing that with me, and they're like, no, no one does that.
00:15:44.799 --> 00:15:45.440
You're like, uh.
00:15:50.639 --> 00:15:53.279
You're like the Alan Watts of being a douchebag.
00:15:55.919 --> 00:16:02.399
And they're all only you worrying about yourself, and you gotta be nice at other people so that I can get back to my life.
00:16:02.720 --> 00:16:03.360
What?
00:16:06.240 --> 00:16:07.039
I don't good.
00:16:07.200 --> 00:16:07.679
How are you?
00:16:08.399 --> 00:16:08.639
Good.
00:16:08.799 --> 00:16:09.600
Have a good day.
00:16:12.159 --> 00:16:13.360
Uh, it's my podcast.
00:16:13.600 --> 00:16:21.919
I'm a I'm just like a touring comedian, so I do my podcast wherever I'm like in the car, so I just find a beach or I'll go by just wherever, mostly beaches just because they're so pretty.
00:16:22.159 --> 00:16:23.039
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:16:23.200 --> 00:16:24.799
Yeah, it's called Discombobulated.
00:16:25.679 --> 00:16:26.720
Discombobulated, yeah.
00:16:26.799 --> 00:16:28.799
It's on all where you get podcasts and stuff.
00:16:28.960 --> 00:16:29.519
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:16:29.600 --> 00:16:30.240
I'm super funny.
00:16:30.320 --> 00:16:31.200
I'm so freaking funny.
00:16:31.279 --> 00:16:33.840
You guys can be on the podcast if you guys want to come be on the podcast.
00:16:34.720 --> 00:16:37.360
Oh, ding! Dude, that's pretty funny.
00:16:37.679 --> 00:16:39.039
Hope you guys have a good day.
00:16:39.279 --> 00:16:40.240
Take care.
00:16:45.600 --> 00:16:49.200
Dude, I love being me because I feel like people feel like they can ask me stuff.
00:16:51.519 --> 00:17:00.639
I feel like if I would have had any other like demeanor besides mine, not any other one, but like I feel like I feel like a different demeanor of a guy who would look like me and have a different demeanor.
00:17:01.759 --> 00:17:03.600
She would have been like, what are you recording there?
00:17:03.759 --> 00:17:06.319
And I'm like, oh, and she's like, because I don't consent to it.
00:17:06.640 --> 00:17:08.400
And I can literally break your phone right now.
00:17:08.480 --> 00:17:17.200
We just celebrated 250 years of America, and if you think I ain't gonna break some hearts and phones, you should ask my husband, because I fucked his brother and we're still together.
00:17:17.519 --> 00:17:19.359
Me and his brother, it's what I'm saying.
00:17:26.160 --> 00:17:27.519
Dude, I mean, I'll tell you this.
00:17:27.599 --> 00:17:28.880
That is brown ass water.
00:17:28.960 --> 00:17:30.400
It's the Atlantic, and I didn't know.
00:17:30.480 --> 00:17:34.720
I mean, dude, when it's so when it's coming up, like the only thing that's white is like the absolute crest.
00:17:34.960 --> 00:17:37.440
So I guess the red I don't know, but also maybe I don't know what it is.
00:17:37.519 --> 00:17:38.880
Is this the Red Sea?
00:17:43.119 --> 00:17:44.319
I don't think it is.
00:17:46.000 --> 00:17:47.599
How far does this go?
00:17:54.240 --> 00:17:55.119
Right there.
00:18:00.640 --> 00:18:05.119
It would be an absolute nightmare for my thoughts.
00:18:08.319 --> 00:18:10.079
I haven't climbed anything yet.
00:18:11.200 --> 00:18:12.880
I haven't climbed some drift wood.
00:18:14.720 --> 00:18:16.319
I haven't climbed any drift wooden.
00:18:22.799 --> 00:18:23.920
Feels good to be up here.
00:18:24.079 --> 00:18:25.599
I don't even know if you can fucking hear me.
00:18:25.680 --> 00:18:27.200
That's how little I can fuck out.
00:18:27.519 --> 00:18:28.799
Other people are quitting their podcast.
00:18:29.039 --> 00:18:33.039
I'm Jeff Brooks and I'm on my way back to America with this fucking episode.
00:18:33.279 --> 00:18:34.559
We're in Guadalajara.
00:18:39.920 --> 00:18:44.079
I wanna jump if there's so many like rough parts of this fucking beach.
00:18:48.160 --> 00:18:48.799
Whoops.
00:18:49.599 --> 00:18:50.240
Whoops.
00:18:57.680 --> 00:18:59.839
I can see the ocean! Yeah.
00:19:02.000 --> 00:19:02.799
Oh, that was really cute.
00:19:03.039 --> 00:19:04.160
Kid's like, I can see the ocean.
00:19:04.240 --> 00:19:07.119
And his brother, who's in front of him, was like, I just heard that lady say fuck.
00:19:07.200 --> 00:19:08.799
I just said fuck when I was like jumping down.
00:19:08.880 --> 00:19:10.400
I didn't see him, and I said fuck.
00:19:10.640 --> 00:19:20.480
So I feel bad, but honestly, I'm a good, I'm actually I'm a pretty cool guy to like you like walk by and you hear me say fuck, and like I'm a cautionary tale of why you should like probably listen to your mom.
00:19:23.279 --> 00:19:24.960
Like that guy scared me.
00:19:25.119 --> 00:19:27.920
I know they scared you.
00:19:28.079 --> 00:19:33.279
Careful because they look like they would get mad if they you didn't get their pronouns correct.
00:19:34.880 --> 00:19:39.359
If you don't get their pronanas correct, you're gonna get fucking in drop bees.
00:19:41.279 --> 00:19:42.880
People have never got my pronouns correct.
00:19:43.359 --> 00:19:47.200
Like I literally said the day, like I think I might have told you guys about this, but I was like, hey my name's Bobby.
00:19:47.279 --> 00:19:53.519
And he goes, Bopy, and I was like, I'm like, am I fucking green?
00:19:54.480 --> 00:19:57.039
And on a fucking cartoon show, you piece of shit.
00:19:57.119 --> 00:19:58.640
No, my name's not Bopy.
00:19:59.039 --> 00:19:59.680
Bopy?
00:20:00.480 --> 00:20:06.559
Bop Pop P he pees and he's Bob.
00:20:06.720 --> 00:20:08.079
I actually get it now.
00:20:09.359 --> 00:20:10.880
Thank you for your cervix.
00:20:13.039 --> 00:20:14.160
What a day.
00:20:14.480 --> 00:20:16.160
Oh, what a day.
00:20:16.640 --> 00:20:20.000
Driving to Raleigh, North Carolina.
00:20:25.119 --> 00:20:27.599
Slept in my car in love last night.
00:20:27.680 --> 00:20:29.920
Yeah, I'm so tired of sleeping in my car.
00:20:30.319 --> 00:20:35.519
Not not like honestly, there's so many times where it's not bad, but last night it was fucking 91.
00:20:35.839 --> 00:20:37.599
Felt like 88.
00:20:39.119 --> 00:20:40.799
Just being honest, but it still sucked.
00:20:41.039 --> 00:20:46.559
But um, yeah, so then I had to keep my I had to keep my fucking like car on pretty much all night.
00:20:46.799 --> 00:20:47.599
Which isn't good.
00:20:47.680 --> 00:20:50.880
I swear to fucking god, I know it's not good for your catalytic confer.
00:20:51.039 --> 00:20:54.079
Shut the f Living my life's not good.
00:20:54.160 --> 00:20:57.359
Would you go up to a homeless person and be like, hey, you know, it's actually probably not good.
00:20:57.440 --> 00:20:58.559
You're standing on the side of the highway.
00:20:58.720 --> 00:21:00.319
No, you let it do it.
00:21:00.559 --> 00:21:02.000
Because that's all they have.
00:21:02.880 --> 00:21:05.759
So I'd have red hair in my fucking pussy beard.
00:21:06.559 --> 00:21:07.599
What color am I?
00:21:07.680 --> 00:21:10.960
Or is that just because I have oh, is that because I have those on?
00:21:11.279 --> 00:21:14.720
Oh, it's because I have my cool sunglasses.
00:21:28.559 --> 00:21:32.480
Oh, dude, I just I didn't even I haven't gotten to talk to you guys since I went to Disneyland.
00:21:32.559 --> 00:21:40.720
Well, I didn't go to Disneyland, but I went to watch the fireworks because I was on my way to Orlando and it was the 2nd of July, and I was like, dude, I bet there's gonna be some kind of fireworks.
00:21:40.799 --> 00:21:42.319
You know, it's like it's Disney.
00:21:43.119 --> 00:21:48.720
So then I go and I tried to make it to like the right place, but it's like you can't get parking, you can't get reservation.
00:21:48.799 --> 00:21:55.359
So I had just enough time to like park my car and take an Ubin, an Uber to this like Polynesian.
00:21:55.440 --> 00:21:57.599
It's called like the Polynesian or something like that.
00:21:57.839 --> 00:22:08.960
But we were so far away, like I couldn't make the I got dressed up as Uncle Sam and I couldn't like find anybody to like or sorry, I couldn't find an area where it wasn't around anybody.
00:22:09.039 --> 00:22:09.599
And I felt bad.
00:22:09.680 --> 00:22:12.240
I was like, I don't want to ruin their like firework experience.
00:22:12.319 --> 00:22:20.559
So then I just got to stand there as Uncle Sam and watch all these Disney adults who, dude, when you see Disney adult posts, they got the Mickey Mouse ears on.
00:22:20.799 --> 00:22:26.000
They got the they're like taking a picture with fucking uh um a princess.
00:22:28.160 --> 00:22:32.240
But when you see them at like the Polynesian, they're they're out of the wardrobe.
00:22:32.319 --> 00:22:35.200
It's like seeing Slipknot like with their masks off.
00:22:36.000 --> 00:22:39.200
So I'm standing there, no one's got the ears on everything because they're at the restaurant.
00:22:39.279 --> 00:22:41.359
They're probably going there tomorrow, is the thing.
00:22:41.519 --> 00:22:42.960
So they're just all eating dinner.
00:22:43.119 --> 00:22:45.359
But the thing is, is you need the Disney ears.
00:22:45.519 --> 00:22:59.440
The Disney ears differentiate the Disney adult from the rest of us, from the rest of us sane people who like are like, yeah, I like Toy Story, but I don't have theories about it.
00:23:00.400 --> 00:23:04.160
No, if you actually think about it, Jesse is actually God.
00:23:04.400 --> 00:23:10.079
You're like, you are dissecting this movie, and it was made in a lab or whatever you want.
00:23:10.319 --> 00:23:26.000
I don't know how they make Toy Story, but um, so then I'm just you need the Mickey Mouse ears because when they don't have the ears and they're all standing there watching the fireworks, it's a little bit like in a zombie horror film when your friend like starts acting, you're like, Are you okay, man?
00:23:26.240 --> 00:23:28.799
They're like Yeah.
00:23:29.839 --> 00:23:33.759
When you wish up honest, are you singing?
00:23:33.839 --> 00:23:35.519
And they're like, Yeah, and you're like, Okay.
00:23:35.839 --> 00:23:38.640
I don't know you, I didn't I've never heard you sing in your life.
00:23:39.759 --> 00:23:42.640
I'm gonna beat the mighty, and they start singing that.
00:23:42.799 --> 00:23:47.200
You're like, are they singing the Lion King B tracks right now?
00:23:47.680 --> 00:23:52.720
Like, dude, the Moana soundtrack comes on, and there's a guy who looks like he could kick my ass in a bar.
00:23:52.880 --> 00:23:54.720
He's dressed like that.
00:23:55.599 --> 00:24:05.279
But he's like standing there and he's like singing Moana songs, and everyone's like, He's singing the one from like Mulan.
00:24:05.359 --> 00:24:07.839
He's like, Let's get down to Bears.
00:24:08.240 --> 00:24:09.599
He's like, You fucking looking at my wife.
00:24:09.759 --> 00:24:21.440
But then so I'm standing there, it just felt like when people are switching into zombies because you can't tell what's going on, and so I'm like standing there, and it just everyone's like swaying to the music, like grown adults, and I'm just can't believe this is happening.
00:24:21.680 --> 00:24:24.160
And how many of the songs I actually kind of remember?
00:24:24.640 --> 00:24:29.519
But then we're standing there, and then this it's just a it's just a husband and a wife.
00:24:29.599 --> 00:24:38.160
There's no kids in sight, they're just standing there holding each other, and I feel so uncomfortable that she rips her vape, and I had been off of a vape for days.
00:24:40.559 --> 00:24:47.359
And I'm so used to being at comedy clubs that I almost asked her if I could rip her vape.
00:24:47.680 --> 00:24:48.880
And I can't explain this.
00:24:48.960 --> 00:24:50.160
You would have just had to be there.
00:24:50.319 --> 00:24:51.680
I almost was like, Can I take your vape?
00:24:51.759 --> 00:24:53.279
Like, I was gonna go, can I hit that?
00:24:53.519 --> 00:24:59.839
But I swear to God, with these Disney adults, they would have been like, Do you mean my wife?
00:25:00.160 --> 00:25:02.640
Cause sure, but you can't no, you can't hit her vape.
00:25:02.720 --> 00:25:05.519
We're like weird with you can't no, that's you can go get your own vape.
00:25:05.680 --> 00:25:08.559
You can fuck my wife if you dress like Mickey.
00:25:10.079 --> 00:25:19.759
If you dress like Steamboat Mickey and fuck my wife like she's a steamboat, you can yeah, but you can't hit her vape.
00:25:20.480 --> 00:25:30.640
So then I just had to like I just had to get an Uber back and didn't get a promo and just like, but I got to watch the fireworks, which is kind of cool, but I try I wanted to get like it seems like it would have been cooler if you were like actually at Magic Kingdom or whatever it is.
00:25:30.720 --> 00:25:32.960
And I was a little bit too far away, I guess.
00:25:40.880 --> 00:25:42.640
More see-doo, folks.
00:25:47.279 --> 00:25:49.119
I don't even know though.
00:25:51.759 --> 00:25:53.680
Oh, dude, yes, I do.
00:25:56.400 --> 00:26:01.519
So I so sometimes it's like I said, like there's a lot of times like I'll sleep in my car, especially if I'm like headlining.
00:26:01.599 --> 00:26:03.839
Sometimes it's like you want to actually come home with like a profit.
00:26:04.000 --> 00:26:07.759
But I was like, it's gonna be so hot in Orlando, and I want to wanna focus on the show.
00:26:07.839 --> 00:26:09.599
So I was like, I'm gonna get a hotel.
00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:12.559
And I had so much fun in Orlando, I'm glad I got a hotel.
00:26:12.799 --> 00:26:15.920
But then on like the last day I was there, I was like, dude, you know what?
00:26:16.319 --> 00:26:17.519
I think I'm gonna have time.
00:26:17.680 --> 00:26:23.920
I think I want to go get a uh like I think I'm gonna go like actually get in the hot tub.
00:26:24.160 --> 00:26:32.240
And so I went down there, but it was so broken from the 4th of July that like they just had the wet floor sign inside of it, and there's signs everywhere.
00:26:32.319 --> 00:26:33.440
It's like for real, don't get in.
00:26:33.519 --> 00:26:37.039
Like someone threw up, like, don't get in the thing, please, God, don't get in the thing.
00:26:37.279 --> 00:26:39.839
We still have to clean it and we're not gonna do it yet.
00:26:40.079 --> 00:26:48.640
And then so I was like, dang, and then I didn't really want to swim because it was still like overcast, it wasn't that hot, but then I got to see as I was walking in, dude.
00:26:48.799 --> 00:26:56.319
I'm not a big I don't know, I don't think I'm a big like physical person like in public.
00:26:56.640 --> 00:27:00.400
So when you see people like holding hands, I'm like, you know what, I go with that, I do that.
00:27:00.720 --> 00:27:06.079
When you see some people like arms around each other or something like that, sit next to each other at a restaurant, I'm like, you know, sometimes I also do that.
00:27:07.839 --> 00:27:14.000
But holding some girl and making out with her in a pool is just not something I'm dared to tolerate.
00:27:14.559 --> 00:27:21.200
I just go by and there's always like a couple that's like making out like they just found out about it.
00:27:21.279 --> 00:27:34.640
Like, you remember how you would make out when you were like first making out, we'll say when you're like you're like exploring, you're like, I don't even chew like you know, I mean I don't even get food in my mouth like this.
00:27:36.160 --> 00:27:40.799
That's what they were doing, and then like they're like also like spinning, so you're like dancing in the water.
00:27:45.039 --> 00:28:01.519
But the funniest part is that they had like a friend that was just kind of like laying on a noodle kind of by them, trying to like so like we were both like looking in such different directions, like and we looked like at each other, and I just felt like I was like, Do you want to make out too?
00:28:01.680 --> 00:28:06.079
Like, there was a part of me that was like maybe we'll make out too, but like I just know I can't do that.
00:28:06.160 --> 00:28:12.799
If she picked me up and spun me around while she played with my hair, and I was like, Oh, how are you picking me up?
00:28:12.880 --> 00:28:19.279
It feels like zero grav, zero gravity, gravity, dude.
00:28:19.359 --> 00:28:20.640
That guy's a great guy.
00:28:20.880 --> 00:28:23.440
Um, yeah, I don't know.
00:28:23.599 --> 00:28:24.640
But I'm on the road.
00:28:24.799 --> 00:28:26.400
I wanted to stop by and do an episode.
00:28:26.480 --> 00:28:37.599
I need to be better about stopping, and so last night I saw a beautiful sunset as I was driving up like the coast, and then um then I found Jekyll Island.
00:28:39.599 --> 00:28:40.000
Dr.
00:28:40.240 --> 00:28:41.039
Jekyll Mr.
00:28:41.119 --> 00:28:45.279
Hyde Land found this place and it was uh it was beautiful.
00:28:45.440 --> 00:28:52.960
I love I love like the south driving through it, but it's still no driving through the west coast.
00:28:53.119 --> 00:28:58.960
I mean, when you see mountains and stuff and like how different that is too, because it's great, but like once you get in like the mountains, like you get to drive through them and you're like in them.
00:28:59.119 --> 00:29:05.359
Like to be at the beach, you gotta do that stupid ass walk where you feel like you're like you feel like you're like the first like animal out of the water.
00:29:05.440 --> 00:29:09.279
You're like sucks.
00:29:09.839 --> 00:29:12.240
But anyway, that's the pod.
00:29:12.559 --> 00:29:13.920
Come out and see me on the show.
00:29:14.160 --> 00:29:15.279
I live in my car.
00:29:15.440 --> 00:29:17.039
I gotta be more honest about that.
00:29:17.119 --> 00:29:19.200
So if you want to help out, come out and see a show.
00:29:19.359 --> 00:29:20.960
Tell a friend, come see me.
00:29:21.119 --> 00:29:25.920
I'll be at Raleigh July 9th.
00:29:26.079 --> 00:29:29.359
I'll be in Indy July 23rd.
00:29:29.440 --> 00:29:30.160
And I'll be in St.
00:29:30.319 --> 00:29:34.319
Charles, Missouri July 30th through August 2nd.
00:29:34.480 --> 00:29:35.200
Thank you so much.
00:29:35.279 --> 00:29:36.720
I hope you come out and see a show.
00:29:36.880 --> 00:29:38.559
I love being a part of your life.
00:29:38.880 --> 00:29:44.480
Hope you love being a part of my I uh I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
00:29:44.640 --> 00:29:49.279
So I'm not gonna, but I tell you what, I'm gonna cry out of my asshole because I have to shit so fucking bad.
00:29:49.359 --> 00:29:51.359
But I feel like I could shit in this water.
00:29:51.599 --> 00:29:52.640
Dude, that's what I'm gonna do.
00:29:52.720 --> 00:29:54.400
I'm gonna see doing just fucking bam bam.
00:29:54.559 --> 00:29:55.839
And then also shit.
00:29:56.240 --> 00:29:57.440
I'm Steve O.
00:29:57.680 --> 00:30:01.680
Okay, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna do a Steve O'Bit pretending to piss and shit and farting ass.
00:30:01.839 --> 00:30:03.039
So thank you so much.
00:30:03.279 --> 00:30:04.720
Have a good night.
00:30:05.680 --> 00:30:06.240
Love you.
00:30:06.480 --> 00:30:07.119
Bye.