WEBVTT
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Everybody knows your business.
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Everybody knows how your divorce went, or your last breakup went, or who your exes' exes are.
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It's annoying to me that here at this point in my life, I'm still that worried about finding the person.
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It kind of goes back to our caveman instincts.
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This is what our body and our brains crave.
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We're both in the same age range, and we kind of know this: like you've you've been there, you're a little bit recycled, you're on to the next, but you're a little bit hesitant to jump all in.
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Get out there, have some fun, enjoy dating as much as you can, even if the pool is small.
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It's the Desolate Dating Podcast, hosted by Hayley Shipp, the hottest girl I ever fumbled.
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Welcome back to the Desolate Dating Podcast, where we are talking about finding romance in rural America, where the numbers are not always in your favor.
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But we're going to take a step back from that today and have a discussion about why the search for love is even so important, why it's something that we're always feeling.
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And then how to get ourselves into the best headspace to actually go about dating and finding that next someone.
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With me today is Joanne Hines.
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Joanne is out of Glendive.
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She's got the fancy letters behind her.
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You have been in the mental health world, Joanne, for a number of years.
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Tell us a little bit more about you, who you are, you know, a little bit about Glendive there.
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I'm a licensed clinical social worker here in Montana.
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I've been here in Glendive for just about 10 years.
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Um I have been practicing in the mental health field since 2011 when I graduated with my master's.
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Treating children, families to adults, working with people with depression, anxiety, trauma, day-to-day stresses.
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So this is something that I'm really passionate about and excited to get to talk about today with you.
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Um I have been in a long-term relationship that ended very publicly.
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Um, I might add, being in a small rural community, it was not a private matter in divorce.
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Um I've been dating a little bit here and there since then in our small rural community and kind of sort of in a relationship.
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Um, not really sure what to call it yet.
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Um, and I'm also a mom of two wonderful teens.
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I think all of these 40-year-olds, I mean, I we're both in the same age range.
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We kind of know this.
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Like you've you've been there, you're a little bit recycled, you're on to the next, but you're a little bit hesitant to jump all in.
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We're all just nodding in unison, like, oh, okay, yeah.
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The word boyfriend at 40 means something very differently than it did when I was in my teens as well.
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So it's it's a hard word to swallow.
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I do a shot and I drink a beer while I'm doing these recordings.
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The reason I do this is because I have been in the official news world as a journalist, as a broadcast reporter for 20 years.
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And so I get in front of a camera and behind a microphone, and suddenly I am stiff.
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And I get to be so, you know, official, and this is how things are done.
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And having a shot, having that little warm-up, and then being able to crack a beer, even to just have it in my hands as like that little cue that relax.
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This is a podcast about real people.
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This doesn't need to be stuffy, is the reason I do it.
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So today, my shot, typically it's gonna be fireball.
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I'll get into that reason later on in the podcast episodes.
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It's uh for definitely a later conversation.
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But today, because we're recording in the morning, I'm doing Willie's coffee liqueur and I am mixing it with a shot of espresso.
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So what's your drink of choice this morning, Joanne?
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I have a very delicious hot cup of coffee myself with just a little half and half.
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That's all I can have today.
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She is on the clock.
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Okay.
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Well, cheers to Glendive.
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We'll take a shot, then we're gonna go through some numbers for Glendive.
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So cheers, Joanne.
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Cheers.
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Hmm.
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That's a pretty good mixture if I don't say so myself.
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That's a little bit easier to swallow than the fireball.
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So all right.
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So we um right as Duane and I got on this call today, we decided to go through the numbers of what dating is in Glendive is like.
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And um the the other interview that I have done uh in the last few days was dealing with a couple in Jordan, Montana, where the the demographics are much smaller.
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Now, Glendive is a bigger community in Montana, but if you're listening, you know, anywhere halfway large, you're like, that's a city to them.
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But Glendive does have 4,810 people.
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This is all coming from censusreporter.org, and it's showing 2,024 statistics.
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Now, I will say there's a margin of error, all of those things.
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The statisticians can come for us, but this is what I've got according to the internet, and I don't think it's all that inappropriate.
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So 4,810 people in Glendive.
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We're going to look at Joanne's dating pool.
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Of those people, 914 are under the age of 18.
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So they're off the list.
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That leaves us with 3,896.
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I'm going to subtract 45%, which of that demographic is what is married.
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So that leaves us with 2,143 people.
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Of that, 24% are over the age of 65.
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So that's going to leave us with 1,629 people.
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We're not ageists, but Joanne is in her early 40s.
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We're going to say over 18 is appropriate and under 65 is appropriate.
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Um, of that 1,600 plus people, 49% are female, which leaves us with 831 males in the age range, again, 18 to 64, that are unmarried in Glendive.
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That doesn't mean they aren't in a partnership.
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They aren't living with somebody, but they are unmarried in Glendive.
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Does that feel like your dating pool, Joanne?
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That actually feels a little large.
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Um, 831 people, yeah, it is a small little world out here.
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It is a small little pool to choose from.
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Um but yeah, it even even then I think 831 kind of sounds big for what I've kind of um uh been presented with, I guess, or experienced here.
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And so Joanne also is a transplant, which brings its own um struggles.
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And uh, she can add to that anytime if you if you want to, Joanne.
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But, you know, at least there isn't the as much of the familial restriction, although maybe familiar with your ex's family comes into play.
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But oftentimes, you know, if it's somebody that's rooted in a small town, you've got cousins, you know, you gotta worry about that too and and take those off the list.
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Yeah.
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I have people that I work with or friends that run into that quite a bit where they're like, I'm like, hey, how about this person?
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And they're like, Joanne, I'm related.
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Or and I'm like, how?
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And they have to go through the family tree to explain it to me.
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But it it's amazing how small our world really gets.
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Um, and it's it's definitely a challenge for people that have been here for a lot longer than I have.
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I've been here for 10 years.
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Um, but that I think definitely is a benefit to me because I am not related to everybody here.
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Well, I'm cracking the beer.
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Our drink today is founders porter.
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And I know I got this when I was in um South Dakota.
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We were in Leeds, South Dakota for a wedding, and that's where this came from.
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So Porter.
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That's a breakfast here, right?
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I think so.
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Yeah.
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Side o'clock somewhere.
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Go for it.
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Right.
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So, Joanne, as we get into this discussion, um, you know, here we are, two women in our 40s, and we're talking about finding love and situationships and what do we call them and all of that stuff.
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And I think that sometimes it's annoying to me that here at this point in my life, I'm still that worried about finding the person.
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You know, there's children and there's all of these and careers and amazing things to keep us consumed.
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Yet we keep on coming back to this piece of finding that elusive one.
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And honestly, it kind of pisses me off.
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Like, why are we still, why am I still worried about this?
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I'm not a 16-year-old girl.
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I have my child.
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I don't need more.
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But why is this a search that we are just kind of so predisposed to be constantly looking for?
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It is biology.
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It is natural.
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Um, it kind of goes back to our um, you know, caveman instincts.
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This is what our body and our brains crave.
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Um we are built to seek out other people and to seek connection.
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Um, being close to somebody, um, no, regardless of how you label your relationship, whether it's just a friendship or something more significant, it doesn't matter.
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Being close keeps us safe.
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Um, it lowers our stress levels, it helps release those happy chemicals in our brains.
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Um, but that's really where it all comes from, is biology.
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It's it's something that is naturally ingrained in us.
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Um, and it doesn't really matter how confident we are as a person or um how comfortable we feel being alone or not being in a relationship, we still biologically seek out connection and closeless to other people.
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So you have been working, as we said, as a social worker for a number of years now.
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And is this something that you see happening with your patients, them having the same struggle that we're talking about us individually having?
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Yes.
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Every single day somebody comes into my office talking about loneliness and wanting connection or struggling with different types of relationships and/or putting themselves out there again.
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And or, I mean, as we're talking rural communities, you know, navigating this person knows all my stuff and how do I get out there again?
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And um, how do I be vulnerable in this type of a community, trying to find closeness and relationships with other people?
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I'm not currently seeing a therapist, but I have seen different therapists in my past.
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And like I kind of said, you know, it's just it has continued to annoy me that when I sit down in front of them, I again go back to talking about relationships.
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And I'm like, I have so much more to live for.
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Why is this the thing?
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So that that does make me feel better, and and I'm sure others out there too, that if you are seeking out professional help, or even if you feel like that broken record talking to friends about this again and again and again, like this is just part of the human condition, and we're we're all struggling with it.
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And our brain literally treats loneliness um the same exact way that um it treats the need for food or water.
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It is that essential for us as humans to seek that connection.
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Um, our brain responds the exact same way to loneliness as if you were hungry, thirsty.
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Um physical touch is something that our bodies need.
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So, Joanne, you had mentioned, you know, friends groups and and things like that previously.
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And of course, that's a great way to have connection and to build that community around you.
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Is there something different as you've been doing your research between having that romantic connection versus having the friendship connection?
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I mean, they're both forms of intimacy, but obviously serving different purposes.
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Yeah.
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So, like I said, physical touch is essential for us to feel connected.
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And so, yeah, we have friend groups and we feel less lonely when we're out hanging with our girls or whoever it might be, um, or being able to pick up the phone and talk to somebody.
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All of that is connection.
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All of that is so important to um getting through our day, um, having good mindset and healthy mental health.
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Um, but it's not necessarily the most important thing.
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Um, our bodies still crave and need physical touch and not just physical touch as in, you know, reaching out, holding your hand, or just, you know, getting a hug from your best friend.
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Um, it's the more intimate physical touch.
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Our body needs that.
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So whether that's with one significant other or if you're kind of looking around and exploring more things, our body still needs that physical touch and craves it.
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And so that's a huge part of loneliness, is even if you have a great support system and lots of people around you, we can still feel, and it, and it's very normal to still feel very lonely because that's what our body craves.
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That's what it needs.
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So you yourself are from Montana.
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So I mean, we biggest city in Montana for folks that are listening outside is is around 100,000, which um as we joke about Glindai being a city.
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You know, it's all pretty, it's all pretty rural, regardless of where you're at.
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And of course, the the western start pop western part is really starting to pop off and get more and more people.
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But so you've you've never been a stranger to the, I guess, the the rural plight in in finding people.
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And then now that's exacerbated as uh you're in a community that is less than than 5,000 people.
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So we've touched on them, but what are some of the reasons that you think it is so hard in this specific niche that is rural America to get out and find someone?
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There's a lot of, you know, pros to living in a rural community.
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Um, you know, everybody knows everybody, everybody is there for you.
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Um, you know, if something big happens or bad happens, you have this wonderful community that reaches out and supports people.
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Um, it's one of the things I love most about Glendive is how wonderfully supportive this community is to one another.
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So, and you kind of know everybody.
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You know who the good people are, you know who the not so great people are that you might want to, you know, maybe not hang out with as much, right?
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So you have this connection to all of these people, and that's a huge benefit, right?
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Um, but when it comes to the world of dating, um, all of those pros kind of become your negatives because everybody knows your business.
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Everybody knows how your divorce went or your last breakup went, um, or who your ex's exes are and how that impacts what you're doing now.
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Um again, like we said, it's 831 people.
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That's a very small pool.
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There's not a lot of privacy in dating in rural Montana.
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Um, and that's a huge thing when you're trying to start any relationship.
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It's it's very challenging.
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Um, you have the ex awkwardness, right?
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When you run into them in the grocery store and you've got the new bow on your arm and um, or going to dinner, and everybody around you is watching, going, Oh, are they on a date?
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You know, and then you get on Facebook later that night, and there it is.
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Hey, Joanne's on a date for the third time in a month.
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It's it's really, really challenging.
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It really is.
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And I um I hermit a lot, you know.
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I work from home, I'm a rancher, um, I've got a young child, so I don't go out a whole lot, you know.
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And um, we had our fair last week.
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And so I did so much more peopling than I typically do, where now I'm in that like introvert hangover where I need to just lick my wounds alone for a while.
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Yeah.
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But yeah, it was here's this ex, here's this ex's ex girlfriend.
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Um, you know, it was just all in your face, and then um you add a couple of drinks, your emotions are high.
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Like it's it can be just a really defeating situation.
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And um I guess in all of that, and Joanne, knowing that your clientele struggles with this too, I think that my mission with a lot of this is just if that's how you're feeling, it's not just you.
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Like there are so many of us that are good, capable, strong adults that are very desirable, but just the current situation does not equate to you finding that person and it can leave you feeling really isolated.
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It it really does.
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Um, and isolated is one of the the biggest struggles, and then self-worth.
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What's wrong with me?
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Because I can't find the right one, or I can't, you know, I've been through a couple.
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Um, and you know, so what's wrong with me is a lot of what I hear in my office.
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And um, it's kind of heartbreaking because really there's nothing wrong with any of us.
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It's just it kind of is what it is, and it's the nature of living in small communities, um, and you know, being in our 40s and dating again.
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So, Ms.
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Ed, I don't know if this is because of being the, you know, an older age or if it's just the nature of dating in technology now.
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But it's not like it was when you were in your 20s, where you're like, you want to be like, are we gonna go out now?
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Are we gonna, you know, like just things seem to have more labels on it back then for me than anything has a label now.
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But I've gone through two quote unquote breakups in two months.
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And I am like, oh, I need to just pause because they both hurt.
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Honestly, I think the second way more casual one struck me harder, and I don't know why that is.
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That's a whole nother discussion.
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But it hurts every time somebody doesn't choose you, and it's oftentimes not about that person, but it just hurts to not be somebody's someone.
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And so that has left me into this discussion that we're having now about I know I jump into the next one too often sometimes because it's just the easiest way to band-aid that wound is to just find somebody else.
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So for those of us that have had these heartaches, these heartbreaks, whatever they are, and you're sitting with that and you're sitting with relationships past, how do you get yourself into the right headspace to enter into that next relationship?
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Is it a time frame that you need to wait so long after a last one?
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Are there like is there a checklist of things?
00:19:45.519 --> 00:19:54.559
I'm things I'm thinking of that movie 28 Days, where he had to keep a plant alive for like two years and keep a pet alive before he could date again after going to rehab.
00:19:54.720 --> 00:19:58.960
So, like, is there do I have to keep a plant alive before I can date somebody new again?
00:19:59.119 --> 00:20:02.079
What is the what do I need to check off the list?
00:20:02.400 --> 00:20:03.359
Absolutely not.
00:20:03.519 --> 00:20:04.880
There is not a checklist.
00:20:05.039 --> 00:20:10.480
There is not a manual, there is not a list of here's what you should do or shouldn't do.
00:20:10.640 --> 00:20:15.200
Um, it is different for every single woman, person, man out there.
00:20:15.519 --> 00:20:25.200
Um, you know, a lot of times you hear that cliche, you know, quote, you've got to learn to love yourself before you can find love.
00:20:25.440 --> 00:20:26.720
I hate that saying.
00:20:26.880 --> 00:20:28.240
It is a bunch of BS.
00:20:28.400 --> 00:20:36.240
You do not necessarily have to completely love yourself to be in a good mindset to start dating again.
00:20:36.480 --> 00:20:40.480
It's more about um not being perfect.
00:20:40.640 --> 00:20:46.559
It's about finding your self-awareness, being grounded in yourself.
00:20:46.799 --> 00:20:49.359
Um, again, that doesn't mean that you have to love yourself.
00:20:49.519 --> 00:21:00.000
There's still a lot of work that I need to do on myself and in my life um before I would fit into that love yourself category.
00:21:00.160 --> 00:21:03.839
Um, and I think I'm in a good healthy mindset to be dating.
00:21:03.920 --> 00:21:09.680
Um, but I'm very self-aware of my stuff and where it comes from and how I respond.
00:21:10.079 --> 00:21:17.119
Um, and so then I'm very grounded in that and I pay attention to it and I'm very intentional then.
00:21:17.200 --> 00:21:18.400
That's kind of the next thing.
00:21:18.480 --> 00:21:26.240
It's just being intentional with yourself and and looking to why you want a connection.
00:21:26.400 --> 00:21:29.119
What is that connection that you actually want?
00:21:29.680 --> 00:21:31.440
Um, is it just friendship?
00:21:31.599 --> 00:21:32.799
Is it personal growth?
00:21:33.039 --> 00:21:34.160
Is it romantic?
00:21:34.319 --> 00:21:35.680
Is it just intimate?
00:21:35.839 --> 00:21:41.440
You know, what is it exactly that you're looking for and seeking for and being intentional in that?
00:21:42.480 --> 00:21:51.039
One of the things I've also noticed is that I can think I am at that clearer headspace to enter in a relationship.
00:21:51.119 --> 00:21:52.400
I'm good with myself.
00:21:52.559 --> 00:21:56.720
I've grieved the past relationship, I've done the work that I need to there.
00:21:56.880 --> 00:21:59.680
Sometimes you'll be in the middle of a relationship and you'll feel that laugh.
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:10.160
One rear its head, and you're like, oh, I thought I had put you to bed, and there you are again, uh, with these ghosts of relationship past suddenly creating issues again.
00:22:10.480 --> 00:22:11.440
Is that normal?
00:22:11.599 --> 00:22:15.519
And how do you handle those sorts of things when you feel those start to come up?
00:22:16.160 --> 00:22:17.599
It is so normal.
00:22:17.839 --> 00:22:20.799
Um, we are again, we're humans.
00:22:20.960 --> 00:22:23.359
We seek connection all of the time.
00:22:23.680 --> 00:22:33.519
So we're constantly kind of judging um other relationships, past relationships, how we want things to go versus how we don't want things to go.
00:22:33.759 --> 00:22:39.599
Um so the biggest thing that you can do when that stuff does come up is to acknowledge it.
00:22:40.160 --> 00:22:41.279
Be present with it.
00:22:41.359 --> 00:22:42.640
That this is our history.
00:22:42.799 --> 00:22:44.960
This is, I mean, we all come with baggage.
00:22:45.200 --> 00:22:49.519
So it's acknowledging it that yes, this happened to me in the past.
00:22:49.920 --> 00:22:50.640
I'm good.
00:22:50.880 --> 00:22:51.599
I'm okay.
00:22:51.759 --> 00:22:53.359
And then not judging yourself.
00:22:53.519 --> 00:22:54.480
That's a huge piece.
00:22:54.559 --> 00:22:58.160
And it's that's hard because that's what we do.
00:22:58.319 --> 00:23:06.559
Um, but trying not to judge yourself for having these thoughts and feelings that come up from the past, having stuff trigger you from your past.
00:23:06.799 --> 00:23:11.759
Again, it's just acknowledging it, being present with it, and trying to do better moving forward.
00:23:12.240 --> 00:23:32.960
Joanne, we covered so much in a very quick amount of time here today from you know, why this search for love is wired into us, the fact that in rural Montana, in rural America, that there are extra hurdles in finding somebody else, pure proximity being a big one of those.
00:23:33.119 --> 00:23:40.960
Um, and that there are some ways that we can get ourselves into the right head space to make sure that we are ready for that next relationship.
00:23:41.119 --> 00:23:57.039
But do you have any, I don't know, tips or tricks for maybe if somebody is struggling getting their head back into dating, um, either because they're holding on to old resentments or they've just kind of gotten themselves out of the game?
00:23:57.200 --> 00:24:04.079
You know, any urgings or any suggestions you'd have for saying, pat them on the butt, get them back out and going again.
00:24:04.240 --> 00:24:06.160
I mean, anything that you can give them encouragement with.
00:24:06.960 --> 00:24:08.319
Learn your patterns.
00:24:08.480 --> 00:24:13.759
Um, pay attention to what you do and how you do it and why you do it.
00:24:14.079 --> 00:24:16.640
So um, do I overgive?
00:24:16.960 --> 00:24:18.480
Do I love bomb?
00:24:18.720 --> 00:24:20.319
Do I shut down?
00:24:20.880 --> 00:24:24.079
Um, how do I respond to different things?
00:24:24.240 --> 00:24:30.480
Um, so again, it's it's really kind of learning to be self-aware of what you do and how you do it.
00:24:30.720 --> 00:24:36.720
Um, and again, you don't, I mean, the why is sometimes important and can be easily found.
00:24:36.880 --> 00:24:40.000
Sometimes you can't find the why, and that's okay too.
00:24:40.240 --> 00:24:46.079
So again, it's not to judge yourself and to try to fix all of the things that don't go right.
00:24:46.400 --> 00:24:48.240
Um, it's to be aware of them.
00:24:48.400 --> 00:24:52.319
So, what what does go well in my past relationships?
00:24:52.480 --> 00:24:55.680
And how can I, you know, am I ready to do that again?
00:24:55.920 --> 00:24:57.200
What didn't go well?
00:24:57.279 --> 00:25:01.119
And, you know, maybe how do I address that differently this time?
00:25:01.519 --> 00:25:07.119
Um, and again, it's knowing that our histories are very important to us.
00:25:07.359 --> 00:25:09.279
It makes us who we are.
00:25:09.519 --> 00:25:12.559
And that's okay if it's maybe a little ugly.
00:25:12.799 --> 00:25:26.799
Um it's it's again, it's being very present with who you are and and being okay with how you are, um, setting good, healthy boundaries and limits for your partner and for yourself.
00:25:26.960 --> 00:25:31.279
Know what those are a little bit before you jump into a new relationship.
00:25:31.519 --> 00:25:41.359
Um dating should really add to your life instead of like trying to fix things or stabilize things.
00:25:41.680 --> 00:25:49.839
So if you're not ready for somebody to add to what you have, um then maybe you aren't quite ready.
00:25:50.000 --> 00:26:05.680
Um, you know, and if you're really struggling with that and you're not able to kind of find those that that peace kind of on your own, you know, seeking a therapist if that's something that you that you are open and willing to do as well.
00:26:06.160 --> 00:26:18.720
So with that, Joanne, I I do get this question a lot because I have been very open socially with the fact that I I have sought therapists before and I have used medication before for depression and anxiety.
00:26:19.039 --> 00:26:26.400
And sometimes people just don't know where to start when it comes to getting help with um, let's just talk with start with the talking piece.
00:26:26.480 --> 00:26:33.440
And and of course, your um, you know, going to see your primary care provider is great if you think that you need um some medicated assistance.
00:26:33.599 --> 00:26:35.839
But um, where do we start finding a therapist?
00:26:35.920 --> 00:26:41.599
If we are in rural America and we have never done this before, what's the best place to start?
00:26:42.079 --> 00:26:45.440
The best place is obviously with your primary care physician.
00:26:45.599 --> 00:26:53.920
Um, they typically have a list of either providers right there in your community or providers that accept telehealth.
00:26:54.000 --> 00:27:05.119
Um, telehealth is an amazing um asset to us out here in rural communities because we might not have access to an in-person therapist.
00:27:05.279 --> 00:27:10.480
Um, we're very fortunate in Glendive to have a good little handful of us.
00:27:10.640 --> 00:27:16.960
Um, but there's a lot of communities out here where I work with people that they don't have a therapist at all in their communities.
00:27:17.279 --> 00:27:21.279
So um telehealth is excellent in that way.
00:27:21.519 --> 00:27:26.240
Um, primary care, best place to start.
00:27:26.400 --> 00:27:28.720
Um, I would also love to share my email.
00:27:28.880 --> 00:27:31.440
And then that way people can email me.
00:27:31.680 --> 00:27:50.000
And um, even if I'm not the right fit for them, I have a I have a bunch of resources um for across Montana that I can access to help somebody find a provider either closer to them or that might accept telehealth or their insurance or sliding fee scale.
00:27:50.079 --> 00:27:54.079
I mean, it's kind of a big overwhelming world sometimes.
00:27:54.240 --> 00:28:01.279
Um, so I am definitely here to help if somebody needs it, um, even if it's not seeking me as their provider.
00:28:01.440 --> 00:28:05.039
Um, I am always here to help direct somebody in the right way.
00:28:05.359 --> 00:28:09.200
I had a friend who did not realize that it could even be covered by insurance.
00:28:09.359 --> 00:28:14.319
And so yeah, just just even that knowledge is something that isn't widely known.
00:28:14.400 --> 00:28:18.000
So yeah, Duanne, please share your email address and I'll put it into the show notes as well.
00:28:18.400 --> 00:28:24.640
So it's Joanne Hines L C S W at gmail.com.
00:28:24.799 --> 00:28:33.440
So J-O-A-N-N-E H Y N E S L C S W at Gmail.com.
00:28:33.920 --> 00:28:39.440
Okay, Joanne, that's everything I had, unless you had anything else to add to this conversation that we didn't bring up today.
00:28:39.839 --> 00:28:44.559
You know, I think we touched everything that I kind of wanted to talk about today.
00:28:44.720 --> 00:28:55.519
Um, I just encourage people to get out there, have some fun, enjoy dating as much as you can, even if the pool is small.
00:28:55.759 --> 00:29:14.720
Um, and you know, we live in such a judgmental world sometimes, um, that I just encourage people to be yourself, love who you are, know your own truth, no matter what hits social media, um and and just have fun in dating.
00:29:15.519 --> 00:29:21.839
Because we all deserve to find somebody eventually, however we find it, if we do or we don't.
00:29:22.000 --> 00:29:27.839
Um, but we all have the right and um to get out there and do our thing.
00:29:28.480 --> 00:29:29.599
Thank you to Joanne.
00:29:29.839 --> 00:29:37.279
I think probably the biggest takeaway from today is that wanting that connection is human or caveman.
00:29:37.920 --> 00:29:43.440
And when you're dating in a small town, there are some very real things that can make finding it harder.
00:29:43.599 --> 00:29:52.079
You don't have to have yourself completely figured out, but know your patterns, know your boundaries, and as Joanne said, try to have a little fun with it.
00:29:52.319 --> 00:29:56.480
And if you'd like to connect with Joanne, you can find that email address in the show notes.
00:29:56.720 --> 00:29:58.000
Just a quick reminder.
00:29:58.079 --> 00:30:05.200
Now, Joanne is a licensed clinical social worker, but this conversation meant to entertain, inform, and encourage.
00:30:05.359 --> 00:30:13.920
It isn't therapy, it doesn't establish a therapist client relationship, and it shouldn't replace care from a qualified mental health professional.
00:30:14.160 --> 00:30:15.599
Thanks for pulling up a stool.
00:30:15.839 --> 00:30:18.720
I'll see you next time on Desolate Dating.
00:00:01.280 --> 00:00:03.120
Everybody knows your business.
00:00:03.279 --> 00:00:10.560
Everybody knows how your divorce went, or your last breakup went, or who your exes' exes are.
00:00:10.800 --> 00:00:17.519
It's annoying to me that here at this point in my life, I'm still that worried about finding the person.
00:00:17.920 --> 00:00:22.320
It kind of goes back to our caveman instincts.
00:00:22.480 --> 00:00:25.280
This is what our body and our brains crave.
00:00:25.600 --> 00:00:34.399
We're both in the same age range, and we kind of know this: like you've you've been there, you're a little bit recycled, you're on to the next, but you're a little bit hesitant to jump all in.
00:00:34.719 --> 00:00:41.600
Get out there, have some fun, enjoy dating as much as you can, even if the pool is small.
00:00:41.920 --> 00:00:48.960
It's the Desolate Dating Podcast, hosted by Hayley Shipp, the hottest girl I ever fumbled.
00:00:49.439 --> 00:00:58.560
Welcome back to the Desolate Dating Podcast, where we are talking about finding romance in rural America, where the numbers are not always in your favor.
00:00:58.960 --> 00:01:10.400
But we're going to take a step back from that today and have a discussion about why the search for love is even so important, why it's something that we're always feeling.
00:01:10.640 --> 00:01:17.680
And then how to get ourselves into the best headspace to actually go about dating and finding that next someone.
00:01:17.840 --> 00:01:19.359
With me today is Joanne Hines.
00:01:19.599 --> 00:01:21.599
Joanne is out of Glendive.
00:01:21.920 --> 00:01:23.519
She's got the fancy letters behind her.
00:01:23.680 --> 00:01:27.040
You have been in the mental health world, Joanne, for a number of years.
00:01:27.359 --> 00:01:32.239
Tell us a little bit more about you, who you are, you know, a little bit about Glendive there.
00:01:32.719 --> 00:01:36.159
I'm a licensed clinical social worker here in Montana.
00:01:36.319 --> 00:01:40.239
I've been here in Glendive for just about 10 years.
00:01:40.560 --> 00:01:48.799
Um I have been practicing in the mental health field since 2011 when I graduated with my master's.
00:01:56.560 --> 00:02:06.959
Treating children, families to adults, working with people with depression, anxiety, trauma, day-to-day stresses.
00:02:07.920 --> 00:02:13.520
So this is something that I'm really passionate about and excited to get to talk about today with you.
00:02:14.080 --> 00:02:20.960
Um I have been in a long-term relationship that ended very publicly.
00:02:21.360 --> 00:02:27.360
Um, I might add, being in a small rural community, it was not a private matter in divorce.
00:02:27.599 --> 00:02:36.879
Um I've been dating a little bit here and there since then in our small rural community and kind of sort of in a relationship.
00:02:37.039 --> 00:02:39.840
Um, not really sure what to call it yet.
00:02:40.240 --> 00:02:44.000
Um, and I'm also a mom of two wonderful teens.
00:02:45.039 --> 00:02:49.520
I think all of these 40-year-olds, I mean, I we're both in the same age range.
00:02:49.680 --> 00:02:50.639
We kind of know this.
00:02:50.719 --> 00:02:56.240
Like you've you've been there, you're a little bit recycled, you're on to the next, but you're a little bit hesitant to jump all in.
00:02:56.400 --> 00:03:00.240
We're all just nodding in unison, like, oh, okay, yeah.
00:03:00.800 --> 00:03:06.639
The word boyfriend at 40 means something very differently than it did when I was in my teens as well.
00:03:06.800 --> 00:03:08.800
So it's it's a hard word to swallow.
00:03:09.120 --> 00:03:12.879
I do a shot and I drink a beer while I'm doing these recordings.
00:03:13.120 --> 00:03:21.520
The reason I do this is because I have been in the official news world as a journalist, as a broadcast reporter for 20 years.
00:03:21.680 --> 00:03:26.479
And so I get in front of a camera and behind a microphone, and suddenly I am stiff.
00:03:26.639 --> 00:03:30.400
And I get to be so, you know, official, and this is how things are done.
00:03:30.560 --> 00:03:40.319
And having a shot, having that little warm-up, and then being able to crack a beer, even to just have it in my hands as like that little cue that relax.
00:03:40.800 --> 00:03:42.639
This is a podcast about real people.
00:03:42.800 --> 00:03:45.599
This doesn't need to be stuffy, is the reason I do it.
00:03:45.680 --> 00:03:49.120
So today, my shot, typically it's gonna be fireball.
00:03:49.280 --> 00:03:52.319
I'll get into that reason later on in the podcast episodes.
00:03:52.479 --> 00:03:55.280
It's uh for definitely a later conversation.
00:03:55.599 --> 00:04:05.039
But today, because we're recording in the morning, I'm doing Willie's coffee liqueur and I am mixing it with a shot of espresso.
00:04:05.360 --> 00:04:08.560
So what's your drink of choice this morning, Joanne?
00:04:09.120 --> 00:04:15.599
I have a very delicious hot cup of coffee myself with just a little half and half.
00:04:15.680 --> 00:04:17.360
That's all I can have today.
00:04:19.360 --> 00:04:20.480
She is on the clock.
00:04:20.639 --> 00:04:20.959
Okay.
00:04:21.040 --> 00:04:22.480
Well, cheers to Glendive.
00:04:22.639 --> 00:04:25.360
We'll take a shot, then we're gonna go through some numbers for Glendive.
00:04:25.519 --> 00:04:26.319
So cheers, Joanne.
00:04:26.720 --> 00:04:27.360
Cheers.
00:04:30.160 --> 00:04:30.560
Hmm.
00:04:30.720 --> 00:04:32.800
That's a pretty good mixture if I don't say so myself.
00:04:33.040 --> 00:04:35.040
That's a little bit easier to swallow than the fireball.
00:04:35.199 --> 00:04:37.600
So all right.
00:04:37.680 --> 00:04:45.279
So we um right as Duane and I got on this call today, we decided to go through the numbers of what dating is in Glendive is like.
00:04:45.519 --> 00:04:55.279
And um the the other interview that I have done uh in the last few days was dealing with a couple in Jordan, Montana, where the the demographics are much smaller.
00:04:55.439 --> 00:05:03.519
Now, Glendive is a bigger community in Montana, but if you're listening, you know, anywhere halfway large, you're like, that's a city to them.
00:05:04.399 --> 00:05:07.759
But Glendive does have 4,810 people.
00:05:08.000 --> 00:05:14.319
This is all coming from censusreporter.org, and it's showing 2,024 statistics.
00:05:14.480 --> 00:05:17.120
Now, I will say there's a margin of error, all of those things.
00:05:17.279 --> 00:05:23.920
The statisticians can come for us, but this is what I've got according to the internet, and I don't think it's all that inappropriate.
00:05:24.079 --> 00:05:27.759
So 4,810 people in Glendive.
00:05:28.160 --> 00:05:31.199
We're going to look at Joanne's dating pool.
00:05:31.519 --> 00:05:36.399
Of those people, 914 are under the age of 18.
00:05:36.560 --> 00:05:37.920
So they're off the list.
00:05:38.399 --> 00:05:41.199
That leaves us with 3,896.
00:05:41.439 --> 00:05:46.800
I'm going to subtract 45%, which of that demographic is what is married.
00:05:47.040 --> 00:05:51.199
So that leaves us with 2,143 people.
00:05:51.839 --> 00:05:55.920
Of that, 24% are over the age of 65.
00:05:57.120 --> 00:06:00.079
So that's going to leave us with 1,629 people.
00:06:00.240 --> 00:06:03.120
We're not ageists, but Joanne is in her early 40s.
00:06:03.279 --> 00:06:07.199
We're going to say over 18 is appropriate and under 65 is appropriate.
00:06:07.360 --> 00:06:21.920
Um, of that 1,600 plus people, 49% are female, which leaves us with 831 males in the age range, again, 18 to 64, that are unmarried in Glendive.
00:06:22.079 --> 00:06:23.600
That doesn't mean they aren't in a partnership.
00:06:23.680 --> 00:06:26.720
They aren't living with somebody, but they are unmarried in Glendive.
00:06:26.959 --> 00:06:28.959
Does that feel like your dating pool, Joanne?
00:06:30.000 --> 00:06:32.240
That actually feels a little large.
00:06:33.120 --> 00:06:38.160
Um, 831 people, yeah, it is a small little world out here.
00:06:38.319 --> 00:06:40.959
It is a small little pool to choose from.
00:06:41.199 --> 00:06:55.360
Um but yeah, it even even then I think 831 kind of sounds big for what I've kind of um uh been presented with, I guess, or experienced here.
00:06:55.680 --> 00:07:00.399
And so Joanne also is a transplant, which brings its own um struggles.
00:07:00.560 --> 00:07:03.519
And uh, she can add to that anytime if you if you want to, Joanne.
00:07:03.759 --> 00:07:13.120
But, you know, at least there isn't the as much of the familial restriction, although maybe familiar with your ex's family comes into play.
00:07:13.199 --> 00:07:21.279
But oftentimes, you know, if it's somebody that's rooted in a small town, you've got cousins, you know, you gotta worry about that too and and take those off the list.
00:07:21.600 --> 00:07:21.920
Yeah.
00:07:22.160 --> 00:07:28.959
I have people that I work with or friends that run into that quite a bit where they're like, I'm like, hey, how about this person?
00:07:29.040 --> 00:07:30.879
And they're like, Joanne, I'm related.
00:07:30.959 --> 00:07:32.319
Or and I'm like, how?
00:07:32.879 --> 00:07:35.600
And they have to go through the family tree to explain it to me.
00:07:35.680 --> 00:07:39.360
But it it's amazing how small our world really gets.
00:07:39.519 --> 00:07:48.160
Um, and it's it's definitely a challenge for people that have been here for a lot longer than I have.
00:07:48.240 --> 00:07:49.680
I've been here for 10 years.
00:07:49.920 --> 00:07:56.319
Um, but that I think definitely is a benefit to me because I am not related to everybody here.
00:07:56.879 --> 00:07:58.319
Well, I'm cracking the beer.
00:07:58.560 --> 00:08:02.480
Our drink today is founders porter.
00:08:02.959 --> 00:08:06.639
And I know I got this when I was in um South Dakota.
00:08:06.800 --> 00:08:10.639
We were in Leeds, South Dakota for a wedding, and that's where this came from.
00:08:10.800 --> 00:08:12.160
So Porter.
00:08:12.240 --> 00:08:13.759
That's a breakfast here, right?
00:08:14.240 --> 00:08:15.199
I think so.
00:08:15.680 --> 00:08:16.319
Yeah.
00:08:18.240 --> 00:08:19.600
Side o'clock somewhere.
00:08:19.759 --> 00:08:20.639
Go for it.
00:08:21.519 --> 00:08:22.000
Right.
00:08:22.800 --> 00:08:34.399
So, Joanne, as we get into this discussion, um, you know, here we are, two women in our 40s, and we're talking about finding love and situationships and what do we call them and all of that stuff.
00:08:34.639 --> 00:08:43.759
And I think that sometimes it's annoying to me that here at this point in my life, I'm still that worried about finding the person.
00:08:43.919 --> 00:08:51.360
You know, there's children and there's all of these and careers and amazing things to keep us consumed.
00:08:51.519 --> 00:08:55.519
Yet we keep on coming back to this piece of finding that elusive one.
00:08:55.759 --> 00:08:57.440
And honestly, it kind of pisses me off.
00:08:57.519 --> 00:09:00.159
Like, why are we still, why am I still worried about this?
00:09:00.320 --> 00:09:01.919
I'm not a 16-year-old girl.
00:09:02.080 --> 00:09:02.960
I have my child.
00:09:03.039 --> 00:09:04.159
I don't need more.
00:09:04.399 --> 00:09:10.240
But why is this a search that we are just kind of so predisposed to be constantly looking for?
00:09:10.480 --> 00:09:11.759
It is biology.
00:09:11.840 --> 00:09:13.120
It is natural.
00:09:13.279 --> 00:09:19.360
Um, it kind of goes back to our um, you know, caveman instincts.
00:09:19.519 --> 00:09:22.639
This is what our body and our brains crave.
00:09:22.879 --> 00:09:28.799
Um we are built to seek out other people and to seek connection.
00:09:29.200 --> 00:09:41.200
Um, being close to somebody, um, no, regardless of how you label your relationship, whether it's just a friendship or something more significant, it doesn't matter.
00:09:41.440 --> 00:09:43.840
Being close keeps us safe.
00:09:44.080 --> 00:09:51.840
Um, it lowers our stress levels, it helps release those happy chemicals in our brains.
00:09:52.000 --> 00:09:54.960
Um, but that's really where it all comes from, is biology.
00:09:55.120 --> 00:09:58.559
It's it's something that is naturally ingrained in us.
00:09:58.720 --> 00:10:17.200
Um, and it doesn't really matter how confident we are as a person or um how comfortable we feel being alone or not being in a relationship, we still biologically seek out connection and closeless to other people.
00:10:17.440 --> 00:10:22.559
So you have been working, as we said, as a social worker for a number of years now.
00:10:22.799 --> 00:10:32.159
And is this something that you see happening with your patients, them having the same struggle that we're talking about us individually having?
00:10:32.799 --> 00:10:33.279
Yes.
00:10:33.519 --> 00:10:45.600
Every single day somebody comes into my office talking about loneliness and wanting connection or struggling with different types of relationships and/or putting themselves out there again.
00:10:45.840 --> 00:10:55.759
And or, I mean, as we're talking rural communities, you know, navigating this person knows all my stuff and how do I get out there again?
00:10:55.919 --> 00:11:04.399
And um, how do I be vulnerable in this type of a community, trying to find closeness and relationships with other people?
00:11:04.879 --> 00:11:10.080
I'm not currently seeing a therapist, but I have seen different therapists in my past.
00:11:10.240 --> 00:11:19.840
And like I kind of said, you know, it's just it has continued to annoy me that when I sit down in front of them, I again go back to talking about relationships.
00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:22.480
And I'm like, I have so much more to live for.
00:11:22.639 --> 00:11:23.759
Why is this the thing?
00:11:23.919 --> 00:11:43.360
So that that does make me feel better, and and I'm sure others out there too, that if you are seeking out professional help, or even if you feel like that broken record talking to friends about this again and again and again, like this is just part of the human condition, and we're we're all struggling with it.
00:11:43.600 --> 00:11:53.120
And our brain literally treats loneliness um the same exact way that um it treats the need for food or water.
00:11:53.279 --> 00:11:58.480
It is that essential for us as humans to seek that connection.
00:11:58.639 --> 00:12:03.840
Um, our brain responds the exact same way to loneliness as if you were hungry, thirsty.
00:12:04.080 --> 00:12:09.360
Um physical touch is something that our bodies need.
00:12:09.759 --> 00:12:14.159
So, Joanne, you had mentioned, you know, friends groups and and things like that previously.
00:12:16.159 --> 00:12:20.960
And of course, that's a great way to have connection and to build that community around you.
00:12:21.279 --> 00:12:28.639
Is there something different as you've been doing your research between having that romantic connection versus having the friendship connection?
00:12:28.799 --> 00:12:33.120
I mean, they're both forms of intimacy, but obviously serving different purposes.
00:12:34.159 --> 00:12:34.559
Yeah.
00:12:34.720 --> 00:12:40.639
So, like I said, physical touch is essential for us to feel connected.
00:12:40.799 --> 00:12:51.039
And so, yeah, we have friend groups and we feel less lonely when we're out hanging with our girls or whoever it might be, um, or being able to pick up the phone and talk to somebody.
00:12:51.200 --> 00:12:52.639
All of that is connection.
00:12:52.720 --> 00:13:00.960
All of that is so important to um getting through our day, um, having good mindset and healthy mental health.
00:13:01.200 --> 00:13:05.440
Um, but it's not necessarily the most important thing.
00:13:05.679 --> 00:13:17.440
Um, our bodies still crave and need physical touch and not just physical touch as in, you know, reaching out, holding your hand, or just, you know, getting a hug from your best friend.
00:13:17.679 --> 00:13:20.960
Um, it's the more intimate physical touch.
00:13:21.200 --> 00:13:22.799
Our body needs that.
00:13:23.120 --> 00:13:33.919
So whether that's with one significant other or if you're kind of looking around and exploring more things, our body still needs that physical touch and craves it.
00:13:34.000 --> 00:13:50.240
And so that's a huge part of loneliness, is even if you have a great support system and lots of people around you, we can still feel, and it, and it's very normal to still feel very lonely because that's what our body craves.
00:13:50.399 --> 00:13:51.440
That's what it needs.
00:13:51.759 --> 00:13:54.799
So you yourself are from Montana.
00:13:54.960 --> 00:14:02.639
So I mean, we biggest city in Montana for folks that are listening outside is is around 100,000, which um as we joke about Glindai being a city.
00:14:02.720 --> 00:14:06.559
You know, it's all pretty, it's all pretty rural, regardless of where you're at.
00:14:06.639 --> 00:14:12.720
And of course, the the western start pop western part is really starting to pop off and get more and more people.
00:14:12.960 --> 00:14:20.159
But so you've you've never been a stranger to the, I guess, the the rural plight in in finding people.
00:14:20.320 --> 00:14:27.039
And then now that's exacerbated as uh you're in a community that is less than than 5,000 people.
00:14:27.279 --> 00:14:40.480
So we've touched on them, but what are some of the reasons that you think it is so hard in this specific niche that is rural America to get out and find someone?
00:14:40.879 --> 00:14:45.919
There's a lot of, you know, pros to living in a rural community.
00:14:46.080 --> 00:14:50.480
Um, you know, everybody knows everybody, everybody is there for you.
00:14:50.639 --> 00:15:00.000
Um, you know, if something big happens or bad happens, you have this wonderful community that reaches out and supports people.
00:15:00.159 --> 00:15:07.039
Um, it's one of the things I love most about Glendive is how wonderfully supportive this community is to one another.
00:15:07.360 --> 00:15:09.600
So, and you kind of know everybody.
00:15:09.679 --> 00:15:18.080
You know who the good people are, you know who the not so great people are that you might want to, you know, maybe not hang out with as much, right?
00:15:18.399 --> 00:15:24.799
So you have this connection to all of these people, and that's a huge benefit, right?
00:15:25.039 --> 00:15:36.000
Um, but when it comes to the world of dating, um, all of those pros kind of become your negatives because everybody knows your business.
00:15:36.240 --> 00:15:47.120
Everybody knows how your divorce went or your last breakup went, um, or who your ex's exes are and how that impacts what you're doing now.
00:15:47.519 --> 00:15:51.440
Um again, like we said, it's 831 people.
00:15:51.519 --> 00:15:53.039
That's a very small pool.
00:15:53.279 --> 00:15:58.159
There's not a lot of privacy in dating in rural Montana.
00:15:58.480 --> 00:16:03.279
Um, and that's a huge thing when you're trying to start any relationship.
00:16:03.440 --> 00:16:05.200
It's it's very challenging.
00:16:05.360 --> 00:16:08.080
Um, you have the ex awkwardness, right?
00:16:08.159 --> 00:16:17.759
When you run into them in the grocery store and you've got the new bow on your arm and um, or going to dinner, and everybody around you is watching, going, Oh, are they on a date?
00:16:18.559 --> 00:16:22.000
You know, and then you get on Facebook later that night, and there it is.
00:16:22.159 --> 00:16:25.919
Hey, Joanne's on a date for the third time in a month.
00:16:26.159 --> 00:16:28.879
It's it's really, really challenging.
00:16:29.279 --> 00:16:30.559
It really is.
00:16:30.720 --> 00:16:34.080
And I um I hermit a lot, you know.
00:16:34.159 --> 00:16:40.080
I work from home, I'm a rancher, um, I've got a young child, so I don't go out a whole lot, you know.
00:16:40.240 --> 00:16:44.080
And um, we had our fair last week.
00:16:44.320 --> 00:16:53.759
And so I did so much more peopling than I typically do, where now I'm in that like introvert hangover where I need to just lick my wounds alone for a while.
00:16:53.919 --> 00:16:54.159
Yeah.
00:16:54.320 --> 00:16:59.600
But yeah, it was here's this ex, here's this ex's ex girlfriend.
00:16:59.759 --> 00:17:06.799
Um, you know, it was just all in your face, and then um you add a couple of drinks, your emotions are high.
00:17:06.960 --> 00:17:11.279
Like it's it can be just a really defeating situation.
00:17:12.079 --> 00:17:25.920
And um I guess in all of that, and Joanne, knowing that your clientele struggles with this too, I think that my mission with a lot of this is just if that's how you're feeling, it's not just you.
00:17:26.079 --> 00:17:41.039
Like there are so many of us that are good, capable, strong adults that are very desirable, but just the current situation does not equate to you finding that person and it can leave you feeling really isolated.
00:17:41.519 --> 00:17:42.880
It it really does.
00:17:43.039 --> 00:17:49.599
Um, and isolated is one of the the biggest struggles, and then self-worth.
00:17:50.079 --> 00:17:51.759
What's wrong with me?
00:17:52.000 --> 00:17:56.480
Because I can't find the right one, or I can't, you know, I've been through a couple.
00:17:56.720 --> 00:18:02.319
Um, and you know, so what's wrong with me is a lot of what I hear in my office.
00:18:02.559 --> 00:18:07.519
And um, it's kind of heartbreaking because really there's nothing wrong with any of us.
00:18:07.680 --> 00:18:17.920
It's just it kind of is what it is, and it's the nature of living in small communities, um, and you know, being in our 40s and dating again.
00:18:18.240 --> 00:18:18.640
So, Ms.
00:18:18.799 --> 00:18:26.400
Ed, I don't know if this is because of being the, you know, an older age or if it's just the nature of dating in technology now.
00:18:26.559 --> 00:18:31.279
But it's not like it was when you were in your 20s, where you're like, you want to be like, are we gonna go out now?
00:18:31.440 --> 00:18:38.400
Are we gonna, you know, like just things seem to have more labels on it back then for me than anything has a label now.
00:18:38.559 --> 00:18:42.720
But I've gone through two quote unquote breakups in two months.
00:18:43.039 --> 00:18:48.640
And I am like, oh, I need to just pause because they both hurt.
00:18:48.799 --> 00:18:53.839
Honestly, I think the second way more casual one struck me harder, and I don't know why that is.
00:18:53.920 --> 00:18:55.519
That's a whole nother discussion.
00:18:56.079 --> 00:19:07.279
But it hurts every time somebody doesn't choose you, and it's oftentimes not about that person, but it just hurts to not be somebody's someone.
00:19:07.440 --> 00:19:22.000
And so that has left me into this discussion that we're having now about I know I jump into the next one too often sometimes because it's just the easiest way to band-aid that wound is to just find somebody else.
00:19:22.240 --> 00:19:38.079
So for those of us that have had these heartaches, these heartbreaks, whatever they are, and you're sitting with that and you're sitting with relationships past, how do you get yourself into the right headspace to enter into that next relationship?
00:19:38.400 --> 00:19:42.480
Is it a time frame that you need to wait so long after a last one?
00:19:42.640 --> 00:19:45.440
Are there like is there a checklist of things?
00:19:45.519 --> 00:19:54.559
I'm things I'm thinking of that movie 28 Days, where he had to keep a plant alive for like two years and keep a pet alive before he could date again after going to rehab.
00:19:54.720 --> 00:19:58.960
So, like, is there do I have to keep a plant alive before I can date somebody new again?
00:19:59.119 --> 00:20:02.079
What is the what do I need to check off the list?
00:20:02.400 --> 00:20:03.359
Absolutely not.
00:20:03.519 --> 00:20:04.880
There is not a checklist.
00:20:05.039 --> 00:20:10.480
There is not a manual, there is not a list of here's what you should do or shouldn't do.
00:20:10.640 --> 00:20:15.200
Um, it is different for every single woman, person, man out there.
00:20:15.519 --> 00:20:25.200
Um, you know, a lot of times you hear that cliche, you know, quote, you've got to learn to love yourself before you can find love.
00:20:25.440 --> 00:20:26.720
I hate that saying.
00:20:26.880 --> 00:20:28.240
It is a bunch of BS.
00:20:28.400 --> 00:20:36.240
You do not necessarily have to completely love yourself to be in a good mindset to start dating again.
00:20:36.480 --> 00:20:40.480
It's more about um not being perfect.
00:20:40.640 --> 00:20:46.559
It's about finding your self-awareness, being grounded in yourself.
00:20:46.799 --> 00:20:49.359
Um, again, that doesn't mean that you have to love yourself.
00:20:49.519 --> 00:21:00.000
There's still a lot of work that I need to do on myself and in my life um before I would fit into that love yourself category.
00:21:00.160 --> 00:21:03.839
Um, and I think I'm in a good healthy mindset to be dating.
00:21:03.920 --> 00:21:09.680
Um, but I'm very self-aware of my stuff and where it comes from and how I respond.
00:21:10.079 --> 00:21:17.119
Um, and so then I'm very grounded in that and I pay attention to it and I'm very intentional then.
00:21:17.200 --> 00:21:18.400
That's kind of the next thing.
00:21:18.480 --> 00:21:26.240
It's just being intentional with yourself and and looking to why you want a connection.
00:21:26.400 --> 00:21:29.119
What is that connection that you actually want?
00:21:29.680 --> 00:21:31.440
Um, is it just friendship?
00:21:31.599 --> 00:21:32.799
Is it personal growth?
00:21:33.039 --> 00:21:34.160
Is it romantic?
00:21:34.319 --> 00:21:35.680
Is it just intimate?
00:21:35.839 --> 00:21:41.440
You know, what is it exactly that you're looking for and seeking for and being intentional in that?
00:21:42.480 --> 00:21:51.039
One of the things I've also noticed is that I can think I am at that clearer headspace to enter in a relationship.
00:21:51.119 --> 00:21:52.400
I'm good with myself.
00:21:52.559 --> 00:21:56.720
I've grieved the past relationship, I've done the work that I need to there.
00:21:56.880 --> 00:21:59.680
Sometimes you'll be in the middle of a relationship and you'll feel that laugh.
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:10.160
One rear its head, and you're like, oh, I thought I had put you to bed, and there you are again, uh, with these ghosts of relationship past suddenly creating issues again.
00:22:10.480 --> 00:22:11.440
Is that normal?
00:22:11.599 --> 00:22:15.519
And how do you handle those sorts of things when you feel those start to come up?
00:22:16.160 --> 00:22:17.599
It is so normal.
00:22:17.839 --> 00:22:20.799
Um, we are again, we're humans.
00:22:20.960 --> 00:22:23.359
We seek connection all of the time.
00:22:23.680 --> 00:22:33.519
So we're constantly kind of judging um other relationships, past relationships, how we want things to go versus how we don't want things to go.
00:22:33.759 --> 00:22:39.599
Um so the biggest thing that you can do when that stuff does come up is to acknowledge it.
00:22:40.160 --> 00:22:41.279
Be present with it.
00:22:41.359 --> 00:22:42.640
That this is our history.
00:22:42.799 --> 00:22:44.960
This is, I mean, we all come with baggage.
00:22:45.200 --> 00:22:49.519
So it's acknowledging it that yes, this happened to me in the past.
00:22:49.920 --> 00:22:50.640
I'm good.
00:22:50.880 --> 00:22:51.599
I'm okay.
00:22:51.759 --> 00:22:53.359
And then not judging yourself.
00:22:53.519 --> 00:22:54.480
That's a huge piece.
00:22:54.559 --> 00:22:58.160
And it's that's hard because that's what we do.
00:22:58.319 --> 00:23:06.559
Um, but trying not to judge yourself for having these thoughts and feelings that come up from the past, having stuff trigger you from your past.
00:23:06.799 --> 00:23:11.759
Again, it's just acknowledging it, being present with it, and trying to do better moving forward.
00:23:12.240 --> 00:23:32.960
Joanne, we covered so much in a very quick amount of time here today from you know, why this search for love is wired into us, the fact that in rural Montana, in rural America, that there are extra hurdles in finding somebody else, pure proximity being a big one of those.
00:23:33.119 --> 00:23:40.960
Um, and that there are some ways that we can get ourselves into the right head space to make sure that we are ready for that next relationship.
00:23:41.119 --> 00:23:57.039
But do you have any, I don't know, tips or tricks for maybe if somebody is struggling getting their head back into dating, um, either because they're holding on to old resentments or they've just kind of gotten themselves out of the game?
00:23:57.200 --> 00:24:04.079
You know, any urgings or any suggestions you'd have for saying, pat them on the butt, get them back out and going again.
00:24:04.240 --> 00:24:06.160
I mean, anything that you can give them encouragement with.
00:24:06.960 --> 00:24:08.319
Learn your patterns.
00:24:08.480 --> 00:24:13.759
Um, pay attention to what you do and how you do it and why you do it.
00:24:14.079 --> 00:24:16.640
So um, do I overgive?
00:24:16.960 --> 00:24:18.480
Do I love bomb?
00:24:18.720 --> 00:24:20.319
Do I shut down?
00:24:20.880 --> 00:24:24.079
Um, how do I respond to different things?
00:24:24.240 --> 00:24:30.480
Um, so again, it's it's really kind of learning to be self-aware of what you do and how you do it.
00:24:30.720 --> 00:24:36.720
Um, and again, you don't, I mean, the why is sometimes important and can be easily found.
00:24:36.880 --> 00:24:40.000
Sometimes you can't find the why, and that's okay too.
00:24:40.240 --> 00:24:46.079
So again, it's not to judge yourself and to try to fix all of the things that don't go right.
00:24:46.400 --> 00:24:48.240
Um, it's to be aware of them.
00:24:48.400 --> 00:24:52.319
So, what what does go well in my past relationships?
00:24:52.480 --> 00:24:55.680
And how can I, you know, am I ready to do that again?
00:24:55.920 --> 00:24:57.200
What didn't go well?
00:24:57.279 --> 00:25:01.119
And, you know, maybe how do I address that differently this time?
00:25:01.519 --> 00:25:07.119
Um, and again, it's knowing that our histories are very important to us.
00:25:07.359 --> 00:25:09.279
It makes us who we are.
00:25:09.519 --> 00:25:12.559
And that's okay if it's maybe a little ugly.
00:25:12.799 --> 00:25:26.799
Um it's it's again, it's being very present with who you are and and being okay with how you are, um, setting good, healthy boundaries and limits for your partner and for yourself.
00:25:26.960 --> 00:25:31.279
Know what those are a little bit before you jump into a new relationship.
00:25:31.519 --> 00:25:41.359
Um dating should really add to your life instead of like trying to fix things or stabilize things.
00:25:41.680 --> 00:25:49.839
So if you're not ready for somebody to add to what you have, um then maybe you aren't quite ready.
00:25:50.000 --> 00:26:05.680
Um, you know, and if you're really struggling with that and you're not able to kind of find those that that peace kind of on your own, you know, seeking a therapist if that's something that you that you are open and willing to do as well.
00:26:06.160 --> 00:26:18.720
So with that, Joanne, I I do get this question a lot because I have been very open socially with the fact that I I have sought therapists before and I have used medication before for depression and anxiety.
00:26:19.039 --> 00:26:26.400
And sometimes people just don't know where to start when it comes to getting help with um, let's just talk with start with the talking piece.
00:26:26.480 --> 00:26:33.440
And and of course, your um, you know, going to see your primary care provider is great if you think that you need um some medicated assistance.
00:26:33.599 --> 00:26:35.839
But um, where do we start finding a therapist?
00:26:35.920 --> 00:26:41.599
If we are in rural America and we have never done this before, what's the best place to start?
00:26:42.079 --> 00:26:45.440
The best place is obviously with your primary care physician.
00:26:45.599 --> 00:26:53.920
Um, they typically have a list of either providers right there in your community or providers that accept telehealth.
00:26:54.000 --> 00:27:05.119
Um, telehealth is an amazing um asset to us out here in rural communities because we might not have access to an in-person therapist.
00:27:05.279 --> 00:27:10.480
Um, we're very fortunate in Glendive to have a good little handful of us.
00:27:10.640 --> 00:27:16.960
Um, but there's a lot of communities out here where I work with people that they don't have a therapist at all in their communities.
00:27:17.279 --> 00:27:21.279
So um telehealth is excellent in that way.
00:27:21.519 --> 00:27:26.240
Um, primary care, best place to start.
00:27:26.400 --> 00:27:28.720
Um, I would also love to share my email.
00:27:28.880 --> 00:27:31.440
And then that way people can email me.
00:27:31.680 --> 00:27:50.000
And um, even if I'm not the right fit for them, I have a I have a bunch of resources um for across Montana that I can access to help somebody find a provider either closer to them or that might accept telehealth or their insurance or sliding fee scale.
00:27:50.079 --> 00:27:54.079
I mean, it's kind of a big overwhelming world sometimes.
00:27:54.240 --> 00:28:01.279
Um, so I am definitely here to help if somebody needs it, um, even if it's not seeking me as their provider.
00:28:01.440 --> 00:28:05.039
Um, I am always here to help direct somebody in the right way.
00:28:05.359 --> 00:28:09.200
I had a friend who did not realize that it could even be covered by insurance.
00:28:09.359 --> 00:28:14.319
And so yeah, just just even that knowledge is something that isn't widely known.
00:28:14.400 --> 00:28:18.000
So yeah, Duanne, please share your email address and I'll put it into the show notes as well.
00:28:18.400 --> 00:28:24.640
So it's Joanne Hines L C S W at gmail.com.
00:28:24.799 --> 00:28:33.440
So J-O-A-N-N-E H Y N E S L C S W at Gmail.com.
00:28:33.920 --> 00:28:39.440
Okay, Joanne, that's everything I had, unless you had anything else to add to this conversation that we didn't bring up today.
00:28:39.839 --> 00:28:44.559
You know, I think we touched everything that I kind of wanted to talk about today.
00:28:44.720 --> 00:28:55.519
Um, I just encourage people to get out there, have some fun, enjoy dating as much as you can, even if the pool is small.
00:28:55.759 --> 00:29:14.720
Um, and you know, we live in such a judgmental world sometimes, um, that I just encourage people to be yourself, love who you are, know your own truth, no matter what hits social media, um and and just have fun in dating.
00:29:15.519 --> 00:29:21.839
Because we all deserve to find somebody eventually, however we find it, if we do or we don't.
00:29:22.000 --> 00:29:27.839
Um, but we all have the right and um to get out there and do our thing.
00:29:28.480 --> 00:29:29.599
Thank you to Joanne.
00:29:29.839 --> 00:29:37.279
I think probably the biggest takeaway from today is that wanting that connection is human or caveman.
00:29:37.920 --> 00:29:43.440
And when you're dating in a small town, there are some very real things that can make finding it harder.
00:29:43.599 --> 00:29:52.079
You don't have to have yourself completely figured out, but know your patterns, know your boundaries, and as Joanne said, try to have a little fun with it.
00:29:52.319 --> 00:29:56.480
And if you'd like to connect with Joanne, you can find that email address in the show notes.
00:29:56.720 --> 00:29:58.000
Just a quick reminder.
00:29:58.079 --> 00:30:05.200
Now, Joanne is a licensed clinical social worker, but this conversation meant to entertain, inform, and encourage.
00:30:05.359 --> 00:30:13.920
It isn't therapy, it doesn't establish a therapist client relationship, and it shouldn't replace care from a qualified mental health professional.
00:30:14.160 --> 00:30:15.599
Thanks for pulling up a stool.
00:30:15.839 --> 00:30:18.720
I'll see you next time on Desolate Dating.
