WEBVTT
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.479
I think millennials are in a really interesting place right now.
00:00:02.640 --> 00:00:07.919
We're watching Toy Story again, except now some of us are bringing our own kids.
00:00:08.160 --> 00:00:11.279
Our friends are becoming parents, babies are being born.
00:00:11.439 --> 00:00:19.600
And somewhere in the middle of all of that, a lot of us are looking backward at our own childhoods and going, oh, that explains some things.
00:00:19.760 --> 00:00:33.759
And I think our generation has become really good at talking about healing, breaking cycles, going to therapy, learning about attachment and boundaries, realizing that maybe some things we thought were completely normal growing up weren't necessarily healthy.
00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:42.479
But I think there's another part of this conversation that gets harder because I don't think the goal is my parents did everything wrong, so I'm going to do the opposite.
00:00:42.719 --> 00:00:48.079
I think the question is, what do I want to carry forward and what am I ready to redefine?
00:00:48.240 --> 00:00:50.079
Welcome back to Define with Denise.
00:00:50.159 --> 00:00:50.960
I'm Denise.
00:00:51.039 --> 00:00:57.600
And if you're new here, this is where we talk about behavior, values, health, and all the complicated human stuff in between.
00:00:57.679 --> 00:01:01.520
And today I want to talk about something that feels very personal to me.
00:01:01.679 --> 00:01:07.120
The generation that is healing while also becoming the generation raising the next one.
00:01:07.280 --> 00:01:15.200
I'm not a parent myself yet, but I spend a huge part of my life working with kids, parents, families, and the people supporting them.
00:01:15.439 --> 00:01:26.159
And I also spend a lot of time thinking about my own family because I am the daughter of Vietnamese immigrants, and that story influences a lot of how I understand behavior.
00:01:26.319 --> 00:01:29.760
My mom was one of the youngest of 11 children.
00:01:30.000 --> 00:01:33.439
Growing up, my house wasn't just my mom, my brother, and me.
00:01:33.599 --> 00:01:40.560
It was also my aunts, my uncle, my grandma, and my grandma raised me for a huge part of my childhood.
00:01:40.719 --> 00:01:47.680
So when I talk about parenting, I don't even think of it as something that always happens between two parents and a child.
00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:49.760
For me, family was a system.
00:01:49.920 --> 00:01:56.159
There were a lot of people, a lot of opinions, a lot of expectations, and a lot of love.
00:01:56.400 --> 00:02:00.879
But love didn't always look like what we now call emotional validation.
00:02:01.040 --> 00:02:07.599
Sometimes love looked like food, sometimes it looked like sacrifice, sometimes it looked like working constantly.
00:02:07.840 --> 00:02:10.560
And sometimes it looked like, why did you get a B?
00:02:10.879 --> 00:02:18.159
It also looked like being yelled at, and then 20 minutes later, somebody cutting fruit for you, and nobody ever discusses what had happened.
00:02:18.319 --> 00:02:22.560
If you grew up in an immigrant household, you might know exactly what I'm talking about.
00:02:22.800 --> 00:02:26.800
There wasn't always, hey, I think we should process what happened earlier.
00:02:27.039 --> 00:02:30.800
No, we're eating, apparently everything is fine now.
00:02:30.960 --> 00:02:36.719
And I can laugh about some of that today, but I can also look at it differently now.
00:02:36.960 --> 00:02:39.919
Because I understand something I couldn't understand as a kid.
00:02:40.080 --> 00:02:42.000
Behavior happens in context.
00:02:42.319 --> 00:02:45.280
This is one of the biggest things behavior science has given me.
00:02:45.439 --> 00:02:49.120
Before I label someone's behavior, I want to understand what shaped it.
00:02:49.280 --> 00:02:52.319
Our parents didn't develop their parenting styles in a vacuum.
00:02:52.479 --> 00:02:54.240
Our grandparents didn't either.
00:02:54.400 --> 00:03:06.960
For a lot of immigrant families, their behavior was shaped by survival, scarcity, war, migration, starting over, providing, making sure their children had opportunities that they didn't have.
00:03:07.120 --> 00:03:13.520
So when success became get the A, get the degree, get the stable job, work harder, don't complain, keep going.
00:03:13.759 --> 00:03:15.360
There was context for that.
00:03:15.599 --> 00:03:18.159
That doesn't mean every behavior was healthy.
00:03:18.479 --> 00:03:22.639
Understanding something is not the same thing as excusing it.
00:03:22.879 --> 00:03:25.280
Two things can exist at the same time.
00:03:25.520 --> 00:03:30.080
My family could love me deeply, and some of the things I experienced could hurt.
00:03:30.319 --> 00:03:36.800
I can understand why my parents or grandparents behaved a certain way and choose something different.
00:03:37.039 --> 00:03:42.000
I can appreciate what they gave me without believing I have to carry all of it forward.
00:03:42.240 --> 00:03:44.719
That to me is generational healing.
00:03:44.879 --> 00:03:49.919
Not blame, not erasing your history, not deciding everything before us was wrong.
00:03:50.159 --> 00:03:56.319
It has become curious enough to ask: does this behavior still serve the life we're trying to build?
00:03:56.479 --> 00:03:59.759
Because here's where I think our generation sometimes gets stuck.
00:03:59.919 --> 00:04:03.680
We don't want our kids to experience some of what we experience.
00:04:03.919 --> 00:04:07.439
So we think the solution is removing discomfort.
00:04:07.680 --> 00:04:10.639
But discomfort isn't automatically trauma.
00:04:10.879 --> 00:04:14.319
A child being disappointed isn't automatically harmed.
00:04:14.560 --> 00:04:20.959
Nor is it a child hearing no, being frustrated, or experiencing a consequence.
00:04:21.199 --> 00:04:27.360
And a child being mad at you does not automatically mean that you made the wrong parenting decision.
00:04:27.600 --> 00:04:30.879
This is something I see constantly in my work with children.
00:04:31.120 --> 00:04:37.040
Sometimes the hardest part of a child's behavior is the adult learning to tolerate it.
00:04:37.199 --> 00:04:44.560
A kid gets angry, they cry, they yell, they tell you that you're mean, and immediately our nervous system goes, fix it.
00:04:44.720 --> 00:04:48.639
Especially if their reaction reminds us of something from our own childhood.
00:04:48.800 --> 00:04:52.160
But what if the goal isn't to eliminate their discomfort?
00:04:52.319 --> 00:04:58.160
What if the goal is to teach them I can experience discomfort and still be okay?
00:04:58.319 --> 00:04:59.759
That's resilience.
00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:08.319
One of my favorite things about act, acceptance, and commitment therapy is that we aren't constantly trying to make uncomfortable feelings disappear.
00:05:08.480 --> 00:05:13.839
We learn how to make room for them while choosing a behavior that moves us towards what matters.
00:05:14.000 --> 00:05:16.879
And kids need opportunities to learn that too.
00:05:17.120 --> 00:05:20.800
So parenting doesn't have to be stop crying, you're fine.
00:05:20.959 --> 00:05:25.040
But it also doesn't have to be you're crying, so I'll change the boundary.
00:05:25.199 --> 00:05:30.000
It can sound like, I know you're disappointed, the answer is still no.
00:05:30.319 --> 00:05:33.519
It's okay to be mad, it's not okay to hit.
00:05:33.680 --> 00:05:36.560
I know this is hard, we're still going to do it.
00:05:36.800 --> 00:05:54.560
That little word and matters so much because two things can exist: compassion and accountability, warmth and structure, validation and boundaries, connection and consequences.
00:05:54.879 --> 00:06:00.000
Your child can be upset with you and you can still be a safe person.
00:06:00.560 --> 00:06:04.639
That's different from demanding obedience because I said so.
00:06:05.040 --> 00:06:07.839
Now there's a reason underneath the boundary.
00:06:08.000 --> 00:06:10.000
There are values underneath it.
00:06:10.160 --> 00:06:14.079
This is where I believe ACT gives parents something really useful.
00:06:14.240 --> 00:06:18.079
Instead of starting with, what kind of parent am I supposed to be?
00:06:18.319 --> 00:06:21.759
Start with what kind of family are we trying to build?
00:06:22.000 --> 00:06:29.680
Maybe your family values kindness, honesty, connection, health, curiosity, responsibility, fun.
00:06:30.079 --> 00:06:33.040
Then your boundaries start making more sense.
00:06:33.199 --> 00:06:39.519
We don't hit not because I'm the adult and I said so, but because we treat people with kindness.
00:06:39.759 --> 00:06:46.959
We put the device away at night, not because technology is evil, but because sleep matters to our health.
00:06:47.120 --> 00:06:52.639
We tell the truth even when we're afraid of the consequence, because trust matters in this family.
00:06:52.879 --> 00:07:00.639
We try difficult things because learning how to tolerate being bad at something before we get better is part of resilience.
00:07:00.879 --> 00:07:05.839
Now, the rule isn't arbitrary, the behavior connects to something bigger.
00:07:06.079 --> 00:07:08.720
Now, there's another layer to parenting.
00:07:08.959 --> 00:07:16.319
Our parents were not trying to raise children with smartphones, social media, algorithms, and AI in their pockets.
00:07:16.639 --> 00:07:22.800
We are, and we are basically the first generation trying to figure this out in real time.
00:07:23.199 --> 00:07:25.279
Current research makes that pretty clear.
00:07:25.519 --> 00:07:27.920
Kids aren't just using AI for homework.
00:07:28.079 --> 00:07:30.959
They're asking it questions, they're talking to it.
00:07:31.120 --> 00:07:35.199
Some are even talking to AI about their feelings and personal problems.
00:07:35.439 --> 00:07:48.240
So this generation of parents has to teach something many of our parents never had to teach us how to have a relationship with technology without letting technology replace relationships.
00:07:48.480 --> 00:07:56.079
And I don't think the answer is just no phone or no AI, because again, behavior happens in context.
00:07:56.319 --> 00:08:01.839
If your kid is sneaking onto a device at two in the morning, yes, the device matters.
00:08:02.079 --> 00:08:06.959
But I'm also interested in what is the device giving them at two in the morning?
00:08:07.199 --> 00:08:14.639
Stimulation, connection, escape, privacy, control, entertainment, relief from something uncomfortable.
00:08:14.800 --> 00:08:16.959
That's not permission, that's assessment.
00:08:17.120 --> 00:08:25.040
Because if we understand what a behavior is doing for someone, we'll become much better at teaching them what to do instead.
00:08:25.279 --> 00:08:28.480
And this is probably the least fun part.
00:08:28.720 --> 00:08:30.160
Kids are watching us.
00:08:30.399 --> 00:08:36.799
We can make all the screen time rules we want while checking our own phone every three minutes.
00:08:37.039 --> 00:08:42.799
We can tell kids to regulate their emotions while losing our minds because we're late.
00:08:43.039 --> 00:08:49.919
We can tell them failure is okay while they watch us absolutely destroy ourselves internally when we make a mistake.
00:08:50.159 --> 00:08:55.360
We can tell them to apologize while never letting them hear us apologize.
00:08:55.600 --> 00:08:59.039
Behavior is learned through what happens around us too.
00:08:59.279 --> 00:09:07.600
So sometimes breaking a generational cycle isn't what you tell your child, it's what you allow them to watch you practice.
00:09:07.840 --> 00:09:12.720
Maybe they hear, I was frustrated earlier and I shouldn't have spoken to you that way.
00:09:12.879 --> 00:09:13.759
I'm sorry.
00:09:14.000 --> 00:09:17.919
Maybe they watch you make a mistake without calling yourself stupid.
00:09:18.080 --> 00:09:21.919
Maybe they see you rest without believing rest has to be earned.
00:09:22.080 --> 00:09:26.159
Maybe they hear you change your mind when you learn new information.
00:09:26.399 --> 00:09:30.080
Maybe they watch you hold a boundary without becoming cruel.
00:09:30.240 --> 00:09:31.919
That's teaching too.
00:09:32.240 --> 00:09:36.080
When I think about my own family, I don't want to throw everything away.
00:09:36.240 --> 00:09:50.879
There are things I deeply want to carry forward: family, loyalty, showing up, working hard for something that matters, taking care of people, feeding people, the ridiculous amount of food that somehow appears anytime someone comes over.
00:09:51.120 --> 00:09:52.240
I want those things.
00:09:52.559 --> 00:09:57.360
But maybe I don't need to carry forward the belief that achievement determines worth.
00:09:57.600 --> 00:10:00.960
Maybe conflict doesn't have to disappear under the rug.
00:10:01.200 --> 00:10:04.399
And love can be expressed and spoken.
00:10:04.559 --> 00:10:10.240
And success can include health, rest, connection, values, joy.
00:10:10.480 --> 00:10:19.519
And maybe the next generation can inherit the strength our families gave us without having to inherit every survival strategy that created it.
00:10:19.679 --> 00:10:23.039
I think that's what makes this generation really interesting.
00:10:23.200 --> 00:10:27.679
We're raising children while in a lot of ways reparenting ourselves.
00:10:27.840 --> 00:10:41.039
We're learning language our parents didn't have, we're learning about nervous systems, mental health, boundaries, behavior, trauma, technology, AI, and we're trying to figure out what to do with all of it.
00:10:41.200 --> 00:10:43.120
We're going to get things wrong.
00:10:43.279 --> 00:10:44.559
Of course we are.
00:10:44.799 --> 00:10:50.320
Our parents did, their parents did, and our kids probably will too.
00:10:50.559 --> 00:10:54.879
The goal isn't to become the generation that finally parents perfectly.
00:10:55.120 --> 00:10:57.440
There is no perfect parenting.
00:10:57.679 --> 00:11:12.799
Maybe the goal is to become a generation willing to stay curious, to notice what we're doing, to repair it when we get it wrong, to hold boundaries when they're uncomfortable, to let our kids struggle enough to discover that they're capable.
00:11:12.960 --> 00:11:17.679
And to keep asking, what am I carrying because it matters to me?
00:11:17.919 --> 00:11:22.000
And what am I carrying simply because someone handed it to me?
00:11:22.240 --> 00:11:27.600
You don't have to throw away where you came from to choose where you're going.
00:11:27.840 --> 00:11:32.480
You get to carry some things forward and you get to redefine the rest.
00:11:32.639 --> 00:11:36.080
I'm Denise, and this is Define with Denise.
00:11:36.240 --> 00:11:40.080
Keep asking different questions, and I'll see you next week.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.479
I think millennials are in a really interesting place right now.
00:00:02.640 --> 00:00:07.919
We're watching Toy Story again, except now some of us are bringing our own kids.
00:00:08.160 --> 00:00:11.279
Our friends are becoming parents, babies are being born.
00:00:11.439 --> 00:00:19.600
And somewhere in the middle of all of that, a lot of us are looking backward at our own childhoods and going, oh, that explains some things.
00:00:19.760 --> 00:00:33.759
And I think our generation has become really good at talking about healing, breaking cycles, going to therapy, learning about attachment and boundaries, realizing that maybe some things we thought were completely normal growing up weren't necessarily healthy.
00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:42.479
But I think there's another part of this conversation that gets harder because I don't think the goal is my parents did everything wrong, so I'm going to do the opposite.
00:00:42.719 --> 00:00:48.079
I think the question is, what do I want to carry forward and what am I ready to redefine?
00:00:48.240 --> 00:00:50.079
Welcome back to Define with Denise.
00:00:50.159 --> 00:00:50.960
I'm Denise.
00:00:51.039 --> 00:00:57.600
And if you're new here, this is where we talk about behavior, values, health, and all the complicated human stuff in between.
00:00:57.679 --> 00:01:01.520
And today I want to talk about something that feels very personal to me.
00:01:01.679 --> 00:01:07.120
The generation that is healing while also becoming the generation raising the next one.
00:01:07.280 --> 00:01:15.200
I'm not a parent myself yet, but I spend a huge part of my life working with kids, parents, families, and the people supporting them.
00:01:15.439 --> 00:01:26.159
And I also spend a lot of time thinking about my own family because I am the daughter of Vietnamese immigrants, and that story influences a lot of how I understand behavior.
00:01:26.319 --> 00:01:29.760
My mom was one of the youngest of 11 children.
00:01:30.000 --> 00:01:33.439
Growing up, my house wasn't just my mom, my brother, and me.
00:01:33.599 --> 00:01:40.560
It was also my aunts, my uncle, my grandma, and my grandma raised me for a huge part of my childhood.
00:01:40.719 --> 00:01:47.680
So when I talk about parenting, I don't even think of it as something that always happens between two parents and a child.
00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:49.760
For me, family was a system.
00:01:49.920 --> 00:01:56.159
There were a lot of people, a lot of opinions, a lot of expectations, and a lot of love.
00:01:56.400 --> 00:02:00.879
But love didn't always look like what we now call emotional validation.
00:02:01.040 --> 00:02:07.599
Sometimes love looked like food, sometimes it looked like sacrifice, sometimes it looked like working constantly.
00:02:07.840 --> 00:02:10.560
And sometimes it looked like, why did you get a B?
00:02:10.879 --> 00:02:18.159
It also looked like being yelled at, and then 20 minutes later, somebody cutting fruit for you, and nobody ever discusses what had happened.
00:02:18.319 --> 00:02:22.560
If you grew up in an immigrant household, you might know exactly what I'm talking about.
00:02:22.800 --> 00:02:26.800
There wasn't always, hey, I think we should process what happened earlier.
00:02:27.039 --> 00:02:30.800
No, we're eating, apparently everything is fine now.
00:02:30.960 --> 00:02:36.719
And I can laugh about some of that today, but I can also look at it differently now.
00:02:36.960 --> 00:02:39.919
Because I understand something I couldn't understand as a kid.
00:02:40.080 --> 00:02:42.000
Behavior happens in context.
00:02:42.319 --> 00:02:45.280
This is one of the biggest things behavior science has given me.
00:02:45.439 --> 00:02:49.120
Before I label someone's behavior, I want to understand what shaped it.
00:02:49.280 --> 00:02:52.319
Our parents didn't develop their parenting styles in a vacuum.
00:02:52.479 --> 00:02:54.240
Our grandparents didn't either.
00:02:54.400 --> 00:03:06.960
For a lot of immigrant families, their behavior was shaped by survival, scarcity, war, migration, starting over, providing, making sure their children had opportunities that they didn't have.
00:03:07.120 --> 00:03:13.520
So when success became get the A, get the degree, get the stable job, work harder, don't complain, keep going.
00:03:13.759 --> 00:03:15.360
There was context for that.
00:03:15.599 --> 00:03:18.159
That doesn't mean every behavior was healthy.
00:03:18.479 --> 00:03:22.639
Understanding something is not the same thing as excusing it.
00:03:22.879 --> 00:03:25.280
Two things can exist at the same time.
00:03:25.520 --> 00:03:30.080
My family could love me deeply, and some of the things I experienced could hurt.
00:03:30.319 --> 00:03:36.800
I can understand why my parents or grandparents behaved a certain way and choose something different.
00:03:37.039 --> 00:03:42.000
I can appreciate what they gave me without believing I have to carry all of it forward.
00:03:42.240 --> 00:03:44.719
That to me is generational healing.
00:03:44.879 --> 00:03:49.919
Not blame, not erasing your history, not deciding everything before us was wrong.
00:03:50.159 --> 00:03:56.319
It has become curious enough to ask: does this behavior still serve the life we're trying to build?
00:03:56.479 --> 00:03:59.759
Because here's where I think our generation sometimes gets stuck.
00:03:59.919 --> 00:04:03.680
We don't want our kids to experience some of what we experience.
00:04:03.919 --> 00:04:07.439
So we think the solution is removing discomfort.
00:04:07.680 --> 00:04:10.639
But discomfort isn't automatically trauma.
00:04:10.879 --> 00:04:14.319
A child being disappointed isn't automatically harmed.
00:04:14.560 --> 00:04:20.959
Nor is it a child hearing no, being frustrated, or experiencing a consequence.
00:04:21.199 --> 00:04:27.360
And a child being mad at you does not automatically mean that you made the wrong parenting decision.
00:04:27.600 --> 00:04:30.879
This is something I see constantly in my work with children.
00:04:31.120 --> 00:04:37.040
Sometimes the hardest part of a child's behavior is the adult learning to tolerate it.
00:04:37.199 --> 00:04:44.560
A kid gets angry, they cry, they yell, they tell you that you're mean, and immediately our nervous system goes, fix it.
00:04:44.720 --> 00:04:48.639
Especially if their reaction reminds us of something from our own childhood.
00:04:48.800 --> 00:04:52.160
But what if the goal isn't to eliminate their discomfort?
00:04:52.319 --> 00:04:58.160
What if the goal is to teach them I can experience discomfort and still be okay?
00:04:58.319 --> 00:04:59.759
That's resilience.
00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:08.319
One of my favorite things about act, acceptance, and commitment therapy is that we aren't constantly trying to make uncomfortable feelings disappear.
00:05:08.480 --> 00:05:13.839
We learn how to make room for them while choosing a behavior that moves us towards what matters.
00:05:14.000 --> 00:05:16.879
And kids need opportunities to learn that too.
00:05:17.120 --> 00:05:20.800
So parenting doesn't have to be stop crying, you're fine.
00:05:20.959 --> 00:05:25.040
But it also doesn't have to be you're crying, so I'll change the boundary.
00:05:25.199 --> 00:05:30.000
It can sound like, I know you're disappointed, the answer is still no.
00:05:30.319 --> 00:05:33.519
It's okay to be mad, it's not okay to hit.
00:05:33.680 --> 00:05:36.560
I know this is hard, we're still going to do it.
00:05:36.800 --> 00:05:54.560
That little word and matters so much because two things can exist: compassion and accountability, warmth and structure, validation and boundaries, connection and consequences.
00:05:54.879 --> 00:06:00.000
Your child can be upset with you and you can still be a safe person.
00:06:00.560 --> 00:06:04.639
That's different from demanding obedience because I said so.
00:06:05.040 --> 00:06:07.839
Now there's a reason underneath the boundary.
00:06:08.000 --> 00:06:10.000
There are values underneath it.
00:06:10.160 --> 00:06:14.079
This is where I believe ACT gives parents something really useful.
00:06:14.240 --> 00:06:18.079
Instead of starting with, what kind of parent am I supposed to be?
00:06:18.319 --> 00:06:21.759
Start with what kind of family are we trying to build?
00:06:22.000 --> 00:06:29.680
Maybe your family values kindness, honesty, connection, health, curiosity, responsibility, fun.
00:06:30.079 --> 00:06:33.040
Then your boundaries start making more sense.
00:06:33.199 --> 00:06:39.519
We don't hit not because I'm the adult and I said so, but because we treat people with kindness.
00:06:39.759 --> 00:06:46.959
We put the device away at night, not because technology is evil, but because sleep matters to our health.
00:06:47.120 --> 00:06:52.639
We tell the truth even when we're afraid of the consequence, because trust matters in this family.
00:06:52.879 --> 00:07:00.639
We try difficult things because learning how to tolerate being bad at something before we get better is part of resilience.
00:07:00.879 --> 00:07:05.839
Now, the rule isn't arbitrary, the behavior connects to something bigger.
00:07:06.079 --> 00:07:08.720
Now, there's another layer to parenting.
00:07:08.959 --> 00:07:16.319
Our parents were not trying to raise children with smartphones, social media, algorithms, and AI in their pockets.
00:07:16.639 --> 00:07:22.800
We are, and we are basically the first generation trying to figure this out in real time.
00:07:23.199 --> 00:07:25.279
Current research makes that pretty clear.
00:07:25.519 --> 00:07:27.920
Kids aren't just using AI for homework.
00:07:28.079 --> 00:07:30.959
They're asking it questions, they're talking to it.
00:07:31.120 --> 00:07:35.199
Some are even talking to AI about their feelings and personal problems.
00:07:35.439 --> 00:07:48.240
So this generation of parents has to teach something many of our parents never had to teach us how to have a relationship with technology without letting technology replace relationships.
00:07:48.480 --> 00:07:56.079
And I don't think the answer is just no phone or no AI, because again, behavior happens in context.
00:07:56.319 --> 00:08:01.839
If your kid is sneaking onto a device at two in the morning, yes, the device matters.
00:08:02.079 --> 00:08:06.959
But I'm also interested in what is the device giving them at two in the morning?
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Stimulation, connection, escape, privacy, control, entertainment, relief from something uncomfortable.
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That's not permission, that's assessment.
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Because if we understand what a behavior is doing for someone, we'll become much better at teaching them what to do instead.
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And this is probably the least fun part.
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Kids are watching us.
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We can make all the screen time rules we want while checking our own phone every three minutes.
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We can tell kids to regulate their emotions while losing our minds because we're late.
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We can tell them failure is okay while they watch us absolutely destroy ourselves internally when we make a mistake.
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We can tell them to apologize while never letting them hear us apologize.
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Behavior is learned through what happens around us too.
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So sometimes breaking a generational cycle isn't what you tell your child, it's what you allow them to watch you practice.
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Maybe they hear, I was frustrated earlier and I shouldn't have spoken to you that way.
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I'm sorry.
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Maybe they watch you make a mistake without calling yourself stupid.
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Maybe they see you rest without believing rest has to be earned.
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Maybe they hear you change your mind when you learn new information.
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Maybe they watch you hold a boundary without becoming cruel.
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That's teaching too.
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When I think about my own family, I don't want to throw everything away.
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There are things I deeply want to carry forward: family, loyalty, showing up, working hard for something that matters, taking care of people, feeding people, the ridiculous amount of food that somehow appears anytime someone comes over.
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I want those things.
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But maybe I don't need to carry forward the belief that achievement determines worth.
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Maybe conflict doesn't have to disappear under the rug.
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And love can be expressed and spoken.
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And success can include health, rest, connection, values, joy.
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And maybe the next generation can inherit the strength our families gave us without having to inherit every survival strategy that created it.
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I think that's what makes this generation really interesting.
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We're raising children while in a lot of ways reparenting ourselves.
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We're learning language our parents didn't have, we're learning about nervous systems, mental health, boundaries, behavior, trauma, technology, AI, and we're trying to figure out what to do with all of it.
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We're going to get things wrong.
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Of course we are.
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Our parents did, their parents did, and our kids probably will too.
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The goal isn't to become the generation that finally parents perfectly.
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There is no perfect parenting.
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Maybe the goal is to become a generation willing to stay curious, to notice what we're doing, to repair it when we get it wrong, to hold boundaries when they're uncomfortable, to let our kids struggle enough to discover that they're capable.
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And to keep asking, what am I carrying because it matters to me?
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And what am I carrying simply because someone handed it to me?
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You don't have to throw away where you came from to choose where you're going.
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You get to carry some things forward and you get to redefine the rest.
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I'm Denise, and this is Define with Denise.
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Keep asking different questions, and I'll see you next week.
