WEBVTT
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.080
Welcome back to Define with Denise.
00:00:02.240 --> 00:00:09.359
Last year, if you had asked me what I wanted more than anything, I probably would have said, I just want to stop being afraid.
00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:11.279
I wanted to stop waking up anxious.
00:00:11.439 --> 00:00:14.240
I wanted to stop wondering if another panic attack was coming.
00:00:14.400 --> 00:00:16.800
I wanted my OCD thoughts to quiet down.
00:00:16.960 --> 00:00:19.199
I wanted my nervous system to just relax.
00:00:19.359 --> 00:00:20.399
I wanted my life back.
00:00:20.559 --> 00:00:24.640
And honestly, I spent months trying to figure out how to become someone who wasn't afraid.
00:00:24.800 --> 00:00:26.079
Maybe you've been there too.
00:00:26.239 --> 00:00:28.559
Maybe your fear doesn't look like panic attacks.
00:00:28.719 --> 00:00:34.640
Maybe it's the fear of failing, the fear of making the wrong decision, the fear of disappointing someone, the fear of not being enough.
00:00:34.799 --> 00:00:36.399
Or maybe it's quieter than that.
00:00:36.560 --> 00:00:39.920
Maybe it's the fear that life is always going to feel the way it feels right now.
00:00:40.079 --> 00:00:41.679
That one used to keep me up at night.
00:00:41.840 --> 00:00:44.479
There was one night in particular that I still think about.
00:00:44.640 --> 00:00:46.079
It was around three in the morning.
00:00:46.320 --> 00:00:47.280
Andy was asleep.
00:00:47.439 --> 00:00:48.479
The house was quiet.
00:00:48.640 --> 00:00:50.079
Nothing was actually wrong.
00:00:50.240 --> 00:00:51.280
I knew where I was.
00:00:51.439 --> 00:00:52.560
I knew I was safe.
00:00:52.719 --> 00:00:54.399
And yet my heart was racing.
00:00:54.560 --> 00:00:57.119
My body felt like something terrible was going to happen.
00:00:57.280 --> 00:01:01.439
I remember sitting on the bathroom floor thinking, what if this never gets better?
00:01:01.600 --> 00:01:03.280
What if this is just my life now?
00:01:03.439 --> 00:01:05.920
I don't think I was actually afraid of the panic attack.
00:01:06.079 --> 00:01:09.359
I was afraid that the panic attack meant something about my future.
00:01:09.519 --> 00:01:11.840
That maybe I'd never feel like myself again.
00:01:12.000 --> 00:01:19.920
Looking back, I think I spent the entire season trying to solve the wrong problem because my question was always, how do I stop being afraid?
00:01:20.159 --> 00:01:21.680
Sounded like a good question.
00:01:21.840 --> 00:01:23.760
It's just not the question that changed my life.
00:01:23.920 --> 00:01:33.280
I work in behavior analysis, which basically means I spend my days trying to understand why people do what they do, not just children, parents, teachers, adults, myself.
00:01:33.439 --> 00:01:37.200
One of the first things we're taught is that behavior doesn't happen in a vacuum.
00:01:37.359 --> 00:01:40.480
You can't understand behavior by only looking at what someone is doing.
00:01:40.640 --> 00:01:42.400
You have to understand what's underneath it.
00:01:42.560 --> 00:01:46.159
Two kids can refuse to go to school for completely different reasons.
00:01:46.400 --> 00:01:50.560
One might be trying to avoid a math test, the other might be getting bullied.
00:01:50.879 --> 00:01:52.719
Same behavior, different reason.
00:01:52.879 --> 00:01:56.400
If I only look at the behavior, I'm probably going to choose the wrong solution.
00:01:56.560 --> 00:01:57.840
And one day it hit me.
00:01:58.000 --> 00:01:59.840
Why wasn't I doing that with fear?
00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:02.159
I kept treating fear like it was the problem.
00:02:02.319 --> 00:02:05.200
I never stopped to ask myself, what's underneath it?
00:02:05.359 --> 00:02:07.120
So I started paying attention.
00:02:07.280 --> 00:02:10.960
Every time fear showed up, instead of asking, how do I make this go away?
00:02:11.120 --> 00:02:12.400
I asked something different.
00:02:12.639 --> 00:02:14.639
What is this fear trying to protect?
00:02:14.800 --> 00:02:16.400
And the answers surprised me.
00:02:16.560 --> 00:02:19.199
My fear of failure wasn't really about failing.
00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:21.439
It was about disappointing people I loved.
00:02:21.599 --> 00:02:25.199
My fear of making the wrong decision wasn't really about choosing wrong.
00:02:25.280 --> 00:02:28.319
It was about wanting so badly to build a meaningful life.
00:02:28.479 --> 00:02:32.639
My fear of speaking openly about my mental health wasn't about talking.
00:02:32.800 --> 00:02:36.639
It was about belonging, about wondering if people would still see me the same way.
00:02:36.879 --> 00:02:39.360
Even my fear of losing control made sense.
00:02:39.520 --> 00:02:46.159
Because when you live through months where your own mind feels unfamiliar, of course your brain starts searching for certainty.
00:02:46.319 --> 00:02:50.159
Every fear I followed eventually led me to something I deeply cared about.
00:02:50.319 --> 00:02:53.439
And that's when I realized fear wasn't my enemy.
00:02:53.680 --> 00:02:55.840
Fear was trying to protect something I love.
00:02:56.080 --> 00:02:58.080
Now, that doesn't mean fear is always right.
00:02:58.240 --> 00:02:59.360
This is really important.
00:02:59.599 --> 00:03:02.000
Our brains are incredible at protecting us.
00:03:02.080 --> 00:03:06.000
They're just not always good at telling the difference between danger and discomfort.
00:03:06.159 --> 00:03:10.719
Your brain can react to giving a presentation the same way it reacts to an actual threat.
00:03:10.879 --> 00:03:19.599
Not because speaking is dangerous, but because somewhere deep inside, your brain has connected embarrassment, rejection, failure with survival.
00:03:19.840 --> 00:03:26.080
Your nervous system doesn't always know the difference, which is why telling yourself to calm down usually doesn't work.
00:03:26.319 --> 00:03:27.919
Your brain thinks it's helping you.
00:03:28.159 --> 00:03:32.240
One of the biggest shifts in my own life happened when I stopped trying to argue with fear.
00:03:32.400 --> 00:03:33.759
Instead, I got curious.
00:03:33.919 --> 00:03:35.680
I started asking three questions.
00:03:35.840 --> 00:03:38.240
The first one, what is this fear trying to protect?
00:03:38.400 --> 00:03:42.719
A relationship, a dream, my health, someone I love, my sense of identity.
00:03:42.960 --> 00:03:47.120
The second question, is this an actual threat or a predicted one?
00:03:47.280 --> 00:03:51.759
Not to invalidate the feeling, but to separate I'm unsafe from I'm uncomfortable.
00:03:51.919 --> 00:03:53.120
Those aren't the same thing.
00:03:53.280 --> 00:03:56.719
And the third question, the one that's probably changed my life the most.
00:03:56.879 --> 00:04:02.240
Even if fear comes with me, what's one small step towards the life I actually want?
00:04:02.400 --> 00:04:03.840
Because here's what I've learned.
00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:07.439
Waiting until fear disappears usually means waiting forever.
00:04:07.599 --> 00:04:12.159
One of the biggest misconceptions I had was believing courage meant becoming fearless.
00:04:12.319 --> 00:04:13.759
I don't think that's true anymore.
00:04:13.919 --> 00:04:16.800
I think courage is deciding that your values get a vote too.
00:04:16.959 --> 00:04:18.079
Fear gets a voice.
00:04:18.240 --> 00:04:20.079
It just doesn't get the final decision.
00:04:20.240 --> 00:04:22.639
When I started to find, I was afraid.
00:04:22.879 --> 00:04:25.600
When I wanted to start a podcast, I was afraid.
00:04:25.759 --> 00:04:29.040
When I shared my mental health publicly, I was afraid.
00:04:29.279 --> 00:04:32.639
When I decided to start medication, I was afraid.
00:04:46.560 --> 00:04:51.519
So if you're listening today and fear feels really loud, I want you to hear this.
00:04:51.680 --> 00:04:54.160
You are not failing because you're afraid.
00:04:54.480 --> 00:04:55.600
You are human.
00:04:55.839 --> 00:04:58.800
Fear often shows up wherever something matters.
00:04:58.959 --> 00:05:01.600
Sometimes it's pointing towards the people you love.
00:05:01.759 --> 00:05:04.639
Sometimes it's pointing towards the future you hope for.
00:05:04.879 --> 00:05:07.519
Sometimes it's pointing towards a life you're trying to build.
00:05:07.680 --> 00:05:10.079
The goal is not to eliminate fear.
00:05:10.319 --> 00:05:14.720
The goal is to understand it well enough that you can decide what happens next.
00:05:14.879 --> 00:05:17.360
So here's what I'd love for you to practice this week.
00:05:17.519 --> 00:05:19.759
The next time fear shows up, pause.
00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:24.879
Instead of finishing the sentence, I'm afraid of, try finishing this one instead.
00:05:25.040 --> 00:05:27.680
I'm afraid because I care about.
00:05:28.560 --> 00:05:30.000
Just notice what changes.
00:05:30.160 --> 00:05:34.240
You might realize your fear has been pointing towards your values all along.
00:05:34.399 --> 00:05:38.160
Not because fear is always right, but because it's rarely random.
00:05:38.319 --> 00:05:39.519
And I'll leave you with this.
00:05:39.680 --> 00:05:43.839
For so long, I believed healing meant the day I stopped feeling afraid.
00:05:44.079 --> 00:05:49.199
Now I think healing looks a lot more like understanding myself before I try to fix myself.
00:05:49.360 --> 00:05:50.560
Fear still exists.
00:05:50.720 --> 00:05:54.959
But now, instead of asking it to leave, I ask what it's trying to protect.
00:05:55.120 --> 00:05:57.600
Sometimes it has something important to teach me.
00:05:57.759 --> 00:05:58.879
Sometimes it doesn't.
00:05:59.040 --> 00:06:01.519
Either way, I get to decide what happens next.
00:06:01.680 --> 00:06:04.240
Thank you so much for spending a little time with me today.
00:06:04.399 --> 00:06:11.519
If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need the reminder that fear isn't proof they're on the wrong path.
00:06:11.680 --> 00:06:15.279
It might actually be evidence that they're standing in front of something that matters.
00:06:15.439 --> 00:06:21.040
And until next time, stay curious, stay kind, and keep defining a life that's meaningful to you.
00:06:21.199 --> 00:06:22.240
I'll see you next week.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.080
Welcome back to Define with Denise.
00:00:02.240 --> 00:00:09.359
Last year, if you had asked me what I wanted more than anything, I probably would have said, I just want to stop being afraid.
00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:11.279
I wanted to stop waking up anxious.
00:00:11.439 --> 00:00:14.240
I wanted to stop wondering if another panic attack was coming.
00:00:14.400 --> 00:00:16.800
I wanted my OCD thoughts to quiet down.
00:00:16.960 --> 00:00:19.199
I wanted my nervous system to just relax.
00:00:19.359 --> 00:00:20.399
I wanted my life back.
00:00:20.559 --> 00:00:24.640
And honestly, I spent months trying to figure out how to become someone who wasn't afraid.
00:00:24.800 --> 00:00:26.079
Maybe you've been there too.
00:00:26.239 --> 00:00:28.559
Maybe your fear doesn't look like panic attacks.
00:00:28.719 --> 00:00:34.640
Maybe it's the fear of failing, the fear of making the wrong decision, the fear of disappointing someone, the fear of not being enough.
00:00:34.799 --> 00:00:36.399
Or maybe it's quieter than that.
00:00:36.560 --> 00:00:39.920
Maybe it's the fear that life is always going to feel the way it feels right now.
00:00:40.079 --> 00:00:41.679
That one used to keep me up at night.
00:00:41.840 --> 00:00:44.479
There was one night in particular that I still think about.
00:00:44.640 --> 00:00:46.079
It was around three in the morning.
00:00:46.320 --> 00:00:47.280
Andy was asleep.
00:00:47.439 --> 00:00:48.479
The house was quiet.
00:00:48.640 --> 00:00:50.079
Nothing was actually wrong.
00:00:50.240 --> 00:00:51.280
I knew where I was.
00:00:51.439 --> 00:00:52.560
I knew I was safe.
00:00:52.719 --> 00:00:54.399
And yet my heart was racing.
00:00:54.560 --> 00:00:57.119
My body felt like something terrible was going to happen.
00:00:57.280 --> 00:01:01.439
I remember sitting on the bathroom floor thinking, what if this never gets better?
00:01:01.600 --> 00:01:03.280
What if this is just my life now?
00:01:03.439 --> 00:01:05.920
I don't think I was actually afraid of the panic attack.
00:01:06.079 --> 00:01:09.359
I was afraid that the panic attack meant something about my future.
00:01:09.519 --> 00:01:11.840
That maybe I'd never feel like myself again.
00:01:12.000 --> 00:01:19.920
Looking back, I think I spent the entire season trying to solve the wrong problem because my question was always, how do I stop being afraid?
00:01:20.159 --> 00:01:21.680
Sounded like a good question.
00:01:21.840 --> 00:01:23.760
It's just not the question that changed my life.
00:01:23.920 --> 00:01:33.280
I work in behavior analysis, which basically means I spend my days trying to understand why people do what they do, not just children, parents, teachers, adults, myself.
00:01:33.439 --> 00:01:37.200
One of the first things we're taught is that behavior doesn't happen in a vacuum.
00:01:37.359 --> 00:01:40.480
You can't understand behavior by only looking at what someone is doing.
00:01:40.640 --> 00:01:42.400
You have to understand what's underneath it.
00:01:42.560 --> 00:01:46.159
Two kids can refuse to go to school for completely different reasons.
00:01:46.400 --> 00:01:50.560
One might be trying to avoid a math test, the other might be getting bullied.
00:01:50.879 --> 00:01:52.719
Same behavior, different reason.
00:01:52.879 --> 00:01:56.400
If I only look at the behavior, I'm probably going to choose the wrong solution.
00:01:56.560 --> 00:01:57.840
And one day it hit me.
00:01:58.000 --> 00:01:59.840
Why wasn't I doing that with fear?
00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:02.159
I kept treating fear like it was the problem.
00:02:02.319 --> 00:02:05.200
I never stopped to ask myself, what's underneath it?
00:02:05.359 --> 00:02:07.120
So I started paying attention.
00:02:07.280 --> 00:02:10.960
Every time fear showed up, instead of asking, how do I make this go away?
00:02:11.120 --> 00:02:12.400
I asked something different.
00:02:12.639 --> 00:02:14.639
What is this fear trying to protect?
00:02:14.800 --> 00:02:16.400
And the answers surprised me.
00:02:16.560 --> 00:02:19.199
My fear of failure wasn't really about failing.
00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:21.439
It was about disappointing people I loved.
00:02:21.599 --> 00:02:25.199
My fear of making the wrong decision wasn't really about choosing wrong.
00:02:25.280 --> 00:02:28.319
It was about wanting so badly to build a meaningful life.
00:02:28.479 --> 00:02:32.639
My fear of speaking openly about my mental health wasn't about talking.
00:02:32.800 --> 00:02:36.639
It was about belonging, about wondering if people would still see me the same way.
00:02:36.879 --> 00:02:39.360
Even my fear of losing control made sense.
00:02:39.520 --> 00:02:46.159
Because when you live through months where your own mind feels unfamiliar, of course your brain starts searching for certainty.
00:02:46.319 --> 00:02:50.159
Every fear I followed eventually led me to something I deeply cared about.
00:02:50.319 --> 00:02:53.439
And that's when I realized fear wasn't my enemy.
00:02:53.680 --> 00:02:55.840
Fear was trying to protect something I love.
00:02:56.080 --> 00:02:58.080
Now, that doesn't mean fear is always right.
00:02:58.240 --> 00:02:59.360
This is really important.
00:02:59.599 --> 00:03:02.000
Our brains are incredible at protecting us.
00:03:02.080 --> 00:03:06.000
They're just not always good at telling the difference between danger and discomfort.
00:03:06.159 --> 00:03:10.719
Your brain can react to giving a presentation the same way it reacts to an actual threat.
00:03:10.879 --> 00:03:19.599
Not because speaking is dangerous, but because somewhere deep inside, your brain has connected embarrassment, rejection, failure with survival.
00:03:19.840 --> 00:03:26.080
Your nervous system doesn't always know the difference, which is why telling yourself to calm down usually doesn't work.
00:03:26.319 --> 00:03:27.919
Your brain thinks it's helping you.
00:03:28.159 --> 00:03:32.240
One of the biggest shifts in my own life happened when I stopped trying to argue with fear.
00:03:32.400 --> 00:03:33.759
Instead, I got curious.
00:03:33.919 --> 00:03:35.680
I started asking three questions.
00:03:35.840 --> 00:03:38.240
The first one, what is this fear trying to protect?
00:03:38.400 --> 00:03:42.719
A relationship, a dream, my health, someone I love, my sense of identity.
00:03:42.960 --> 00:03:47.120
The second question, is this an actual threat or a predicted one?
00:03:47.280 --> 00:03:51.759
Not to invalidate the feeling, but to separate I'm unsafe from I'm uncomfortable.
00:03:51.919 --> 00:03:53.120
Those aren't the same thing.
00:03:53.280 --> 00:03:56.719
And the third question, the one that's probably changed my life the most.
00:03:56.879 --> 00:04:02.240
Even if fear comes with me, what's one small step towards the life I actually want?
00:04:02.400 --> 00:04:03.840
Because here's what I've learned.
00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:07.439
Waiting until fear disappears usually means waiting forever.
00:04:07.599 --> 00:04:12.159
One of the biggest misconceptions I had was believing courage meant becoming fearless.
00:04:12.319 --> 00:04:13.759
I don't think that's true anymore.
00:04:13.919 --> 00:04:16.800
I think courage is deciding that your values get a vote too.
00:04:16.959 --> 00:04:18.079
Fear gets a voice.
00:04:18.240 --> 00:04:20.079
It just doesn't get the final decision.
00:04:20.240 --> 00:04:22.639
When I started to find, I was afraid.
00:04:22.879 --> 00:04:25.600
When I wanted to start a podcast, I was afraid.
00:04:25.759 --> 00:04:29.040
When I shared my mental health publicly, I was afraid.
00:04:29.279 --> 00:04:32.639
When I decided to start medication, I was afraid.
00:04:46.560 --> 00:04:51.519
So if you're listening today and fear feels really loud, I want you to hear this.
00:04:51.680 --> 00:04:54.160
You are not failing because you're afraid.
00:04:54.480 --> 00:04:55.600
You are human.
00:04:55.839 --> 00:04:58.800
Fear often shows up wherever something matters.
00:04:58.959 --> 00:05:01.600
Sometimes it's pointing towards the people you love.
00:05:01.759 --> 00:05:04.639
Sometimes it's pointing towards the future you hope for.
00:05:04.879 --> 00:05:07.519
Sometimes it's pointing towards a life you're trying to build.
00:05:07.680 --> 00:05:10.079
The goal is not to eliminate fear.
00:05:10.319 --> 00:05:14.720
The goal is to understand it well enough that you can decide what happens next.
00:05:14.879 --> 00:05:17.360
So here's what I'd love for you to practice this week.
00:05:17.519 --> 00:05:19.759
The next time fear shows up, pause.
00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:24.879
Instead of finishing the sentence, I'm afraid of, try finishing this one instead.
00:05:25.040 --> 00:05:27.680
I'm afraid because I care about.
00:05:28.560 --> 00:05:30.000
Just notice what changes.
00:05:30.160 --> 00:05:34.240
You might realize your fear has been pointing towards your values all along.
00:05:34.399 --> 00:05:38.160
Not because fear is always right, but because it's rarely random.
00:05:38.319 --> 00:05:39.519
And I'll leave you with this.
00:05:39.680 --> 00:05:43.839
For so long, I believed healing meant the day I stopped feeling afraid.
00:05:44.079 --> 00:05:49.199
Now I think healing looks a lot more like understanding myself before I try to fix myself.
00:05:49.360 --> 00:05:50.560
Fear still exists.
00:05:50.720 --> 00:05:54.959
But now, instead of asking it to leave, I ask what it's trying to protect.
00:05:55.120 --> 00:05:57.600
Sometimes it has something important to teach me.
00:05:57.759 --> 00:05:58.879
Sometimes it doesn't.
00:05:59.040 --> 00:06:01.519
Either way, I get to decide what happens next.
00:06:01.680 --> 00:06:04.240
Thank you so much for spending a little time with me today.
00:06:04.399 --> 00:06:11.519
If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need the reminder that fear isn't proof they're on the wrong path.
00:06:11.680 --> 00:06:15.279
It might actually be evidence that they're standing in front of something that matters.
00:06:15.439 --> 00:06:21.040
And until next time, stay curious, stay kind, and keep defining a life that's meaningful to you.
00:06:21.199 --> 00:06:22.240
I'll see you next week.
