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Hello and welcome to The Coding Attachment Styles.
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Today we are talking about those adults who have grown up, but they did not learn exactly how to be an adult.
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You see, we have many people who can build a company, they can run it, but they cannot have difficult conversations.
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And across social media, even in personal conversations, I often hear people say, well, they're an adult, they should know what to do.
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But really, we only know what we should do based on what we've seen in our childhood.
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And I want to break that down because when we can understand this about humans, we start to see that a human being does not automatically become emotionally aware or emotionally mature at the age of 18 or 21, which is when society says that we are an adult, depending on what part of the world we're in.
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So there are people, and we know them, there are people who can cook and clean and pay their bills and raise their children and organize an entire household and completely fall apart when they feel rejected.
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And then there are those people who are incredibly loving when everything's going well, but then the moment there is some conflict, they disappear.
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And then there are the people who know exactly how to take care of everybody else, but they have no idea how to take care of themselves.
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You see, we tend to talk about adulthood as though it is one skill and everyone should know it.
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You're either mature or immature, you're responsible or irresponsible, you've got your life together or you don't.
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But I don't think that human beings are that simple.
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I believe that most of us learn certain parts of adulthood very well, and then there are other parts that nobody really taught us.
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So today I want us to talk about what happens when two adults enter into a relationship carrying completely different ideas about what it means to be an adult.
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We're going to talk about how this can show up in the anxious and avoidant attachment style because decoding attachment style is all about understanding these attachment styles and how we could become more securely attached.
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We're also going to talk about what secure attachment does differently.
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So someone with a secure attachment is going to behave and react very differently when they meet different humans with different adult-like behaviors.
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And perhaps in understanding how a secure attached person goes about handling these situations, we might be able to gain some new perspectives.
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And we're also going to be uh discussing a little bit about, you know, well, what it was like for someone like me who I've been an anxious attached person.
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And, you know, when we don't quite understand how another human being can show up, or we just don't like the way they show up, we would tend to say, well, I'm just anxious.
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Or it this behavior is just because I'm avoidant.
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But we can change some of our patterns, or we could learn new things.
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We could learn a different way of adulting.
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So, what did I learn to do is one of the questions that we want to ask ourselves.
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And we're going to dig deeper into this as the episode continues.
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And what is it I want to learn?
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What is it I still need to learn from me?
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For what, you know, depending on the kind of relationship that I want to have.
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Because understanding where our behavior came from, that can give us compassion, compassion for ourselves, being gentle with ourselves, and compassion for others.
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But eventually we're going to have to start to take some responsibility for what we do with it.
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So let's get into it.
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Before I do, before I do, I'm going to ask you to hit the subscribe button so that whenever a new episode comes out, you'll be a first to know.
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And you could get to your healing and your growing as quickly as possible.
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Do you know this about me?
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I probably don't never told you.
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One of my favorite evening pastimes is to watch an episode, a podcast episode.
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Oh, sorry, of one of the people that I follow.
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And I sit with a notebook, and I would have the name of the person, let's just say Stephen Bartlett is uh interviewing Brene Brown on vulnerability.
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And it's a particular topic.
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I have a notebook that I sit and I write the episode, not the episode number and all of it, and then I take notes of everything that I want to remember, something that I feel that might help me in the future.
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Now, I don't just collect information.
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I've been doing, I've I started doing this with Jay Shetty's podcast maybe 11 years ago or videos.
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I can't remember if it was podcasts, but I know it's videos.
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I would go to Barnes and Noble, grab my notebook, and take notes, listen to him, pause him, take notes.
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And that that's one part of the healing.
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That's the awareness, right?
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Now, the healing part is what do you do with the awareness?
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So I get to practicing the new thing I learned right away.
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I get to practicing the new thing I've learned right away.
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So I would advise you to do it.
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It's helped me to grow, uh, it's primed my brain to keep growing, keep learning, keep evolving.
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And if that's something that you're interested in doing, I strongly advise it.
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Just, you know, get a notebook, take your notes, and then review it every now and again.
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And it's also something that I notice with my clients.
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The ones who take notes are the ones who move faster in their healing.
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So without further ado, let's get to the podcast.
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Let's talk about the adult who never learned how to notice things.
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You know, we we think that, oh, as an adult, you should notice when things need to be done.
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You should just know it, you should look at it, you should see it.
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So let's start with something really ordinary.
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Imagine a little boy growing up in a home where his mother does almost everything.
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She notices when the laundry needs to be done, when they're running out of milk.
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She does the cooking and the cleaning.
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She remembers everybody's birthday, she buys the presents, she makes all of the appointments, she knows when somebody needs new shoes and she's keeping track of everything that's happening at school.
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And maybe this little boy he has some chores.
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Maybe he takes out the garbage.
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Maybe he cleans his room when his mother asks him like five or ten times.
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Maybe he does the dishes if he's asked a thousand times.
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But the important part is somebody else is noticing what needs to be done.
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He's not noticing.
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He's not growing up, noticing.
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He's being pushed to do it, he's being asked to do it, but he's not noticing because somebody else, his mom in this case, she's the one who sees it that it needs to be done, and she does it.
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Then the little boy grows up.
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He's about 35 years old.
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He's married, working, paying the bills, and he's probably really successful.
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And his partner says, Why do I have to tell you what needs to be done around here?
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And he really doesn't understand what the problem is.
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He's probably going to say something like, Just tell me what I need to do.
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And the partner says, That's the problem.
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I don't want to be responsible for noticing everything, and then having to beg you, to ask you, to probe you to get the things done.
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And now they're fighting about the dishes, except that they're not really fighting about the dishes, right?
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They're fighting about responsibility.
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One person feels like they're carrying all of the load and they're not, there is no respect.
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And the other one is just really confused because why can't you just communicate what you want?
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Now the partner is saying, I don't want to manage another adult.
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And he's saying, I don't understand why telling me what you need is like such a big deal.
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And this is where it's very easy to make one person the villain.
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We could make either one the villain in this case.
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We can say, Well, the partner could just say what they want.
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And we could say, well, the guy could just look around and see what needs to be done.
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So both can be made a villain, or we could choose to say, Well, this chap never really learned how to notice when things need to be done.
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Because somebody was always there picking up for him.
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And for him to automatically change what he's been taught for 35 years might be a little difficult.
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Okay.
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And we can say, well, this poor partner has to carry the entire load.
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And it's just so unfair and it's so difficult.
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So we could we could choose to see either as a villain or we could empathize with both of them.
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One of them is going to create anger, right?
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That's when we make someone a villain.
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The other one is going to keep us in a peaceful state to be able to communicate.
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And we all have a choice here.
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So someone's always noticing for this chap, and that explains something huge.
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It explains that, well, while it doesn't excuse him from learning now, now that he's aware, now that he's being told, there are two very different things that's going on here.
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Maybe he learned something that she didn't.
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And let's talk a little bit about that.
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We're going to complicate this a little, but I know, I know.
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You could keep up with us.
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So let's go.
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So because the same man learned to be incredibly responsible somewhere else, maybe his father taught him that you work, you provide, don't complain, solve problems, and you take care of your family.
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He now knows that when the car breaks down, he's going to be outside looking at it, trying to figure out how to solve that problem.
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He knows that if his family is in financial trouble, he's going to be working overtime.
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If that there's a break-in in the house, he figures out how to protect his family.
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If something needs fixing at home, he figures out how to fix it.
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And he's probably thinking, of course I'm taking care of my family.
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Look at it, I'm doing everything here.
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But his partner is thinking, but I feel completely alone.
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And both experiences are real and true and valid because human beings don't mature the same way.
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You can be incredibly developed in one area and underdeveloped in another area.
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And nowhere is that more obvious in relationships because in relationships you see where the other person's strength is.
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You see where yours is.
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I'll tell you when when Larry and I are going on a vacation.
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I just kind of don't do much with the planning.
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I'll do a little bit, but he's the one who pretty much does most of the planning, the, you know, the itinerary.
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And what he's really great at is if if we're in a new place, he'll just go online and you know research on things that we could do, things that we both like, or something that he knows I love history.
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So he'll find like a historical place that we can go to.
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And he's great at that.
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However, in past relationships, I was the Larry.
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I was the one doing that.
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I was the one putting things together.
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Because in those relationships, the other person wasn't as good as it as I was.
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And so, you know, in relationships, what we can start to do is lean into another person's strength, recognize our own, work on the areas that we want to strengthen or we want to grow in, but you know, you could you compensate, you, you, that's what partnership is.
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You bring something different to the table that helps the relationship to be more loving, peaceful, fulfilling, you know, all the fun stuff that we're looking for.
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But with this dynamic, the man and his partner, we want to look at attachment styles and how they play out here.
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Let's take the avoidant-leaning person.
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They may have learned that independence is incredibly important and they know it very well.
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Maybe they were young, being upset didn't, you know, make anyone come towards them.
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You know, if they were upset, no one really cared or show that they cared.
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Maybe they heard things like stop crying or you're fine or go figure it out.
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Or maybe nobody said anything.
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And what they learned is that their feelings was theirs to manage.
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Their feelings were theirs to manage.
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So they adapted.
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They learned I can handle everything myself.
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And that can produce a really capable adult.
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They work, solve problems, they don't need much reassurance, they can spend time alone, they may stay surprisingly calm in situations where everybody else is panicking.
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And those are real strengths.
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The problem is that sometimes independence becomes the only tool that they have.
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So now that their partner is upset, and their partner is probably saying, I really need you right now, they're wondering, why can't you handle this yourself?
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And it's not because they don't care, it's because in their minds, when you handle things yourself, that is what adulthood looks like.
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So they give advice, they try to solve the problem, they tell their partner not to worry, or they may just withdraw because they don't know what they're supposed to be with another adult's emotional distress.
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They figure out that adults should know how to handle their own emotions.
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But what their partner is experiencing is you don't really care about me, which is not true.
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Now let's look at how the anxious attached person does it.
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Before I do, don't forget to hit the subscribe button, pretty please.
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Okay.
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And thanks for following and supporting and you know, trusting me with your relationships.
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Let's get back into it.
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Let's look at what an anxious attached leaning person may have learned their entire life, and this would be their set of skills.
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They might have been exceptionally good at noticing.
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They might have walked into a room and immediately know when somebody is upset.
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They can hear slight changes in their partner's voice.
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Now, side note, someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style will know this too.
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The slight change in tones, that's a everybody knows stuff because we can sense danger.
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Or when to relax.
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They remember what everybody likes.
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That is why they're great at giving presents.
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They check in, they anticipate someone's needs.
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Okay, if you're sick, I'm gonna get you some soup.
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If you're sick, I'm gonna get you flowers and or check in to see how you're doing, if you need anything.
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And that makes them incredibly nurturing partners.
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But there is a big cost because somewhere along the way, noticing other people's emotional states may have become their way of staying connected, their way of being safe.
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So it's a thinking of if you're okay, then I'm okay.
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If you're upset with me, I need to fix it.
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If you're pulling away, I need to do something and bring you back.
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If you're unhappy, I need to figure out why.
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And suddenly what looks like caregiving from the outside can easily become something very exhausting for them.
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Because now you're not simply loving another person, you're actually monitoring them, you're babying them.
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Your partner comes home really quiet, and instead of thinking, he seems quiet tonight, your mind starts to think something is wrong.
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Then you're gonna ask, Did I do something wrong?
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And then you're wondering, is he upset with me?
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And then you ask, is there something happening between us?
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Or maybe you ask, What's wrong?
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And he says, Nothing, I'm tired.
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Then five minutes after you're asking, Are you sure?
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And he says, Yes.
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Then ten minutes after, you say, Well, you kind of seem distant.
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And guess what?
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By now he's irritated.
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And you think, I knew something was wrong.
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But what really happened was nothing.
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He was just tired.
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And because he's already tired, because he's already overwhelmed, now he's got to step in to reassure you, which means more exhaustion, more overwhelm.
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And he's irritated.
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But what happens is a lot of times we self-sabotage, which is for another episode.
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But this is what self-sabotaging looks like.
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Someone tells you something, but you keep pushing and pushing and pushing to see if they could stay calm and still be reassuring and validating.
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But we were forgetting that it's another human being and they snap.
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Human beings snap.
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Human beings, we we have a threshold.
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And when they react, it's like, oh, see, nobody's ever there, nobody's ever kind, nobody cares.
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But we have to start looking at what's going on with the other person as well.
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So in these cases, two people can both be trying to stay safe.
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And this is where the anxious and the avoidant dynamics become so painful.
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When one person learned when something feels off or something feels wrong, I have to move closer.
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The other one learned that when something feels overwhelming, I need to have some space.
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So one person keeps reaching out, the other one keeps pulling back.
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The reaching becomes more intense because of the one who's pulling away.
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And the one who is pulling away, well, that becomes more intense because of the one who keeps reaching out.
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And both people eventually say, see, this is exactly why I can't trust to be in a relationship with someone.
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The anxious attached person is thinking people leave, and the avoidant attached person is thinking people just consume me and all of my time.
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And both persons are in a state of protecting themselves.
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And what they are doing is looking for evidence that the other person doesn't care about them.
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That's why I don't find it particularly useful to ask who's the toxic one.
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In fact, I don't like the word toxic.
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Sometimes nobody is deliberately trying to hurt anybody.
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Sometimes you just have two adults using the survival skills that they learned in their childhood and it made sense then, but it's no longer working today.
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It's not helping anyone today.
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And I do believe people deserve compassion.
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At the same time, at the same time, I want to remind us that having compassion doesn't mean that we have to pretend that these behaviors aren't hurting us and that they don't have consequences.
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But let's talk a little bit about what a secure attached person would do differently.
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And if you don't mind, I'm just gonna take a tiny two seconds to take a sip of my coffee, which is going cold.
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It's 1013 in New York City, and I've just had my first sip of coffee.
00:20:51.200 --> 00:20:53.599
So thank you for permitting me that bit of time.
00:20:53.759 --> 00:20:59.519
So let's get into how does a secure attached person show up differently.
00:21:00.640 --> 00:21:09.920
You see, I think people sometimes imagine securely attached people as these perfectly calm human beings who never get triggered.
00:21:10.960 --> 00:21:13.279
That is not being secure.
00:21:13.759 --> 00:21:16.240
A secure person can get jealous.
00:21:16.400 --> 00:21:17.599
They're human beings.
00:21:17.839 --> 00:21:21.200
They can get scared and angry and overwhelmed.
00:21:21.359 --> 00:21:25.039
They sometimes need reassurance, not about themselves.
00:21:25.119 --> 00:21:33.359
They don't need the oh, you're pretty or you're smart, but they need reassurance about the relationship, where you know, where this relationship is going, where do we stand?
00:21:33.440 --> 00:21:36.079
Let's have a conversation when there's conflict.
00:21:36.319 --> 00:21:43.200
They also need space, which I don't know why people don't think that secure attached people need space.
00:21:43.839 --> 00:21:45.440
We're human beings.
00:21:46.480 --> 00:21:53.440
Imagine having a puppy and you have that puppy at home all the time, every day.
00:21:53.599 --> 00:21:59.599
No, that puppy looks outside in the window and looks at other dogs and wanna go play and wanna do stuff.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:06.880
So even the most faithful of human animals, I mean animals to humans, still needs space.
00:22:07.039 --> 00:22:08.799
Doesn't mean that it doesn't love you.
00:22:09.039 --> 00:22:12.559
Human beings, we need a lot more space than a puppy.
00:22:12.640 --> 00:22:16.880
We deal with so many things in our lives, so many responsibilities.
00:22:17.200 --> 00:22:19.839
Secure attached people can get things wrong.
00:22:20.079 --> 00:22:21.519
They're not always right.
00:22:21.680 --> 00:22:26.079
They're not perfect little halo angels walking on earth.
00:22:26.319 --> 00:22:38.799
The difference is that when you are secure, you can create more room for what you feel and what you're responsible for.
00:22:39.680 --> 00:22:40.000
Okay.
00:22:40.720 --> 00:22:54.000
So the difference between secure attached people and those who are insecure is that the secure attached person is grounded in themselves.
00:22:54.160 --> 00:23:02.640
They're not their decisions, their actions, their reactions are not based on being triggered.
00:23:02.799 --> 00:23:14.720
They can be triggered and they can still be calm and respond from that place, but it doesn't mean that they're not going to be upset if, let's say, for example, they feel like their boundaries are being disrespected.
00:23:15.680 --> 00:23:19.440
So let's go back to our anxious attached example.
00:23:19.759 --> 00:23:22.000
Your partner comes home quiet.
00:23:22.559 --> 00:23:27.759
An anxious attached person wonders, is something wrong and how do I fix it?
00:23:28.000 --> 00:23:33.039
A secure attached person may think, okay, he seems quiet.
00:23:33.359 --> 00:23:34.240
I can ask.
00:23:34.480 --> 00:23:37.200
So they say, You seem a little quiet tonight.
00:23:37.279 --> 00:23:38.559
Is everything okay?
00:23:38.960 --> 00:23:41.440
And he says, Yeah, just a rough day.
00:23:41.839 --> 00:23:43.519
I just need to decompress.
00:23:43.839 --> 00:23:56.400
And a secure attached person is not going to pretend as though, you know, you don't feel anything, you don't feel that there was something off here.
00:23:57.279 --> 00:24:05.759
They're going to notice it, but they're not going to take it upon them to go and fix their partner and the distress that they're going through.
00:24:06.079 --> 00:24:12.400
And they're probably just going to say something like, okay, here if you need me or if you need to talk, and then they get about their lives.
00:24:12.559 --> 00:24:17.680
And it's not that they they're detaching themselves or they don't feel anything.
00:24:17.920 --> 00:24:32.480
It's that they trust that the other human being that they're in partnership with, that they have a relationship with, can also handle their emotions, but come towards the relationship should they need support.
00:24:32.880 --> 00:24:40.480
So they're not stepping into the role of a parent or a nurse or a therapist.
00:24:40.720 --> 00:24:41.920
Oh, let me help you.
00:24:42.079 --> 00:24:47.680
You know, you go to a doctor's office, they expect you to have a problem that they're going to fix.
00:24:47.920 --> 00:24:51.920
And there you're going to them because you're not a specialist in that field.
00:24:52.079 --> 00:24:52.880
They are.
00:24:53.359 --> 00:24:57.519
So it makes sense for them to ask, how can I help you?
00:24:57.599 --> 00:24:58.880
And you try to assist.
00:24:59.039 --> 00:25:12.400
But when you're two, if you want to be adults, in a relationship, then that is a relationship where you both have to trust and respect that the other person can handle their own emotions.
00:25:12.640 --> 00:25:20.160
And if they need you, that's where they lean on the partnership and they can come towards you and say, Okay, I need some help here.
00:25:20.559 --> 00:25:23.359
Now let's look at the avoided side of things.
00:25:23.599 --> 00:25:26.240
Your partner says, I had a terrible day.
00:25:26.480 --> 00:25:27.839
Can I talk to you?
00:25:28.160 --> 00:25:34.240
An avoidant attached person may hear something like, Here comes another emotional demand.
00:25:34.880 --> 00:25:38.240
Now, a secure attached person will do something differently.
00:25:38.400 --> 00:25:48.240
Maybe you really don't have the time or the capacity in that moment to attend to your partner's whatever need that is.
00:25:48.720 --> 00:25:59.359
But instead of disappearing or becoming irritated, a secure attached person is going to say, Hey, I really want to hear about it, but my brain is fried right now.
00:25:59.599 --> 00:26:02.559
Can I take about 20 minutes to decompress and we can talk?
00:26:02.640 --> 00:26:05.119
Now they're not asking permission.
00:26:06.000 --> 00:26:10.240
Can I take 20 minutes to decompress and then we talk?
00:26:10.400 --> 00:26:11.759
Isn't asking permission.
00:26:11.920 --> 00:26:17.200
It's inviting you into having a conversation about this, an understanding.
00:26:17.599 --> 00:26:30.400
I want to know that you hear me, that you get that I cannot, I want to deal with this, I want to hear you, I want to hear you out, I want to understand this, but I don't have the capacity for it right now.
00:26:32.079 --> 00:26:40.480
They didn't abandon themselves, and they didn't abandon their partner, and they communicated the boundary.
00:26:40.640 --> 00:26:44.240
The boundary is I can't because my brain is fried.
00:26:44.880 --> 00:26:46.960
And then they come back to the table.
00:26:47.200 --> 00:27:02.799
So it's very important for a secure attached person to function this way in a relationship because they're able to balance their own needs with the needs of a partner and the needs of a relationship.
00:27:03.680 --> 00:27:07.039
The boundary isn't always leave me alone.
00:27:07.200 --> 00:27:10.400
Sometimes it's need it's I need 20 minutes.
00:27:10.720 --> 00:27:13.279
Healthy boundary is not leave me alone.
00:27:13.440 --> 00:27:14.240
Leave me alone.
00:27:14.319 --> 00:27:15.599
It's hurtful.
00:27:16.319 --> 00:27:21.440
A healthy boundary is I need 20 minutes and I'll come and find you afterwards.
00:27:21.759 --> 00:27:22.079
Okay.
00:27:24.000 --> 00:27:40.000
One of the things that people tend to think about secure attached people is that they're going to abandon their needs and show up to validate and give all the space in the world, and they're just like sitting around like little fateful puppies waiting for you to come home.
00:27:40.160 --> 00:27:42.000
No, that's not what they do.
00:27:43.599 --> 00:27:51.440
Secure attachment does not mean that you become endlessly accommodating to everybody else's needs.
00:27:51.680 --> 00:27:57.599
Sometimes people who are trying to heal anxious attachment start to think that I need to give them more space.
00:27:57.680 --> 00:28:01.359
And yes, sometimes they need more space depending on what's going on.
00:28:01.519 --> 00:28:12.880
But if somebody disappears for four days every time there's conflict, being secure doesn't mean sitting quietly at home and proving how non-anxious you've become.
00:28:14.079 --> 00:28:25.440
If you're securely attached, you could say something like, I understand that you need space when you're overwhelmed, and I'm willing to give that space.
00:28:26.000 --> 00:28:36.000
However, I need to be in a relationship with someone who could communicate their need for space instead of just disappearing whenever something becomes uncomfortable.
00:28:36.240 --> 00:28:40.640
Now, you're not trying to control anyone with something like that, a statement like this.
00:28:40.799 --> 00:28:45.200
What you're saying is you're not allowed to disappear.
00:28:45.440 --> 00:28:47.359
I'm not okay with it.
00:28:47.759 --> 00:28:57.519
You're saying if this is how the relationship works for you, or how our relationship works for you, it doesn't work for me this way.
00:28:57.680 --> 00:29:00.880
I don't want to be in a kind of relationship like this.
00:29:01.519 --> 00:29:07.039
And that is where your boundaries can be very liberating for you.
00:29:07.839 --> 00:29:13.599
Because you're not trying to help a person behave in a correct form.
00:29:13.680 --> 00:29:35.119
You're not trying to control the way they behave, you're just looking at how they show up, and you're making a decision on if you're going to be a part of it, if you're going to engage in this kind of behavior, or should you need to leave this relationship and find someone who is ready to be in that kind of commitment that you're looking for.
00:29:35.359 --> 00:29:38.799
It's kind of like matching your values.
00:29:41.039 --> 00:29:45.519
Being securely attached also doesn't mean forcing yourself to be emotional.
00:29:45.680 --> 00:29:52.720
The avoidant attached person doesn't have to become an anxious attached person's version of emotional availability.
00:29:52.880 --> 00:29:55.759
They have their own way of showing up emotionally.
00:29:55.920 --> 00:29:59.200
You don't have to talk for three hours every time something happens.
00:29:59.440 --> 00:30:01.119
You don't have to text all day.
00:30:01.279 --> 00:30:10.640
You don't have to process every feeling immediately, and you don't have to surrender your need for solitude because a secure attached person will not do that.
00:30:10.960 --> 00:30:16.480
Healing isn't replacing one person's needs with another person's needs.
00:30:16.640 --> 00:30:33.200
So it's not becoming an anxious attached person doesn't have to become an avoidant attached person, and an avoidant attached person doesn't have to become an anxious attached person because what you're doing is trading one set of insecure behaviors for another set of insecure behaviors.
00:30:33.440 --> 00:30:56.000
Nobody wants to be an anxious, or you should not want to be an anxiously attached person, and you should not want to be an avoidantly attached person because while both have incredible characteristics, personality traits to be proud of, there's some that are also traits and patterns and behaviors that holds a person back.
00:30:56.880 --> 00:31:03.279
So neither one of these attachment styles should be the aim.
00:31:03.440 --> 00:31:13.519
A secure attached person doesn't sit around and say, oh my gosh, I can't wait until I heal and become anxiously attached, or I become avoidantly attached.
00:31:13.599 --> 00:31:15.519
There are a balance of both.
00:31:16.160 --> 00:31:26.400
There is a healthy balance of the strengths of both attachment style in one in a secure attachment.
00:31:26.640 --> 00:31:48.480
It is being able to, or not being able to, not not being afraid of being vulnerable, open to intimacy, respecting space and appreciating space, respecting and appreciating the need to be independent, but also open to interdependence.
00:31:48.720 --> 00:31:53.440
You know, so it's a little bit of both, but it's in a healthy dose.
00:31:56.319 --> 00:31:57.519
It's a coffee sip.
00:31:57.599 --> 00:31:59.200
No, I didn't just drop off.
00:32:00.799 --> 00:32:13.039
And so yeah, you know, it it there they move at a pace, and I think what has helped me to become securely attached really was paying attention to my feelings.
00:32:13.200 --> 00:32:16.960
I let my feelings, my intuition, guide me.
00:32:17.599 --> 00:32:20.079
I started to speak up.
00:32:20.240 --> 00:32:23.039
There are times when I need space and I asked for it.
00:32:23.119 --> 00:32:25.759
There are times when I need connection and I ask for it.
00:32:25.839 --> 00:32:33.279
And I'll give you just an example this week where my partner, for those of you who've been following me for a while, will know this.
00:32:33.359 --> 00:32:40.559
But those of you who are new, my partner comes from a fearful avoidant attachment style, and he's been in therapy for decades.
00:32:41.519 --> 00:32:46.240
Wonderful, present, you know, capable partner.
00:32:47.440 --> 00:32:50.319
Early in the week, I wasn't feeling very well.
00:32:50.480 --> 00:32:53.759
And I've learned for the most part to manage my own emotions.
00:32:53.920 --> 00:32:58.160
But this particular time, I I had like some massive cramps.
00:32:58.319 --> 00:33:00.640
I'm perfectly fine, it's just a normal thing.
00:33:00.960 --> 00:33:04.559
Massive cramps, and I started to miss my mom a lot.
00:33:04.720 --> 00:33:08.240
And my mom passed away when I was 13 years old.
00:33:08.480 --> 00:33:18.880
And I just I find that recently when I've so my cramping, it stopped when I was 19, and it started again in January of this year.
00:33:19.200 --> 00:33:32.319
And what I realize is during my cramping seasons, it would trigger, they would trigger these memories of my mom and what she used to do when I had these massive cramps.
00:33:33.119 --> 00:33:36.559
And I just start to miss her a lot.
00:33:36.880 --> 00:33:39.200
And I start to feel incredibly sad.
00:33:39.599 --> 00:33:50.160
And so this particular time a few days ago, I called my partner and I said, you know, I'm going through a really, really difficult time.
00:33:50.640 --> 00:33:53.599
Do you mind coming and being with me?
00:33:54.319 --> 00:33:57.680
And he said, Sure, babe, I'll be there in a bit.
00:33:57.920 --> 00:34:00.319
And we hung up the phone and he was here.
00:34:01.920 --> 00:34:05.359
And, you know, I felt better and blah, blah.
00:34:05.759 --> 00:34:17.199
But then two days after, I was getting into work and life and all of it, and he was going out with the kids for dinner, and he invited me to come along.
00:34:17.440 --> 00:34:25.679
And I have had two or three, three crazy weeks, like incredibly busy, incredibly exhausted.
00:34:26.079 --> 00:34:32.559
It's a time in my life where I'm managing the physical stress of my body.
00:34:33.039 --> 00:34:36.719
And I did a gym workout and I was a little tired.
00:34:36.880 --> 00:34:42.800
And I sent a message and I said, Hey, do you mind if we we can make some plans to meet with the kids this weekend?
00:34:43.039 --> 00:34:46.559
Because I'd really rather stay in this evening.
00:34:46.800 --> 00:34:48.559
And he was perfectly fine with it.
00:34:48.719 --> 00:35:01.920
Now, as an anxious attached person, I would have leaned in more every time I had a cramp or a pain or a discomfort, and I would lean in more into the relationship on my partner.
00:35:02.400 --> 00:35:09.119
Now I decide on what I can manage on my own, and sometimes I just want him there.
00:35:10.079 --> 00:35:20.239
And then there are times when, you know, in the past, as an anxious attached person, I would have felt like, oh my gosh, if I don't show up, then I'm not going to be a part of this little group.
00:35:20.559 --> 00:35:27.440
And, you know, it gives me an opportunity to hang out, to build a bond with him and the kids and build memories.
00:35:27.519 --> 00:35:35.119
And just in case, you know, something gets shaky, or maybe this proves to him that we could be together and all of that.
00:35:35.280 --> 00:35:42.559
And now it's no, the kids and him and everybody else also they already see my value.
00:35:42.719 --> 00:35:44.639
I don't have to try harder.
00:35:45.039 --> 00:35:46.159
They know who I am.
00:35:46.320 --> 00:35:48.239
We've built a relationship.
00:35:48.559 --> 00:35:53.519
And I know that they would appreciate if I need to miss one dinner.
00:35:53.840 --> 00:36:06.400
It's not like this is a habit, but I could also say, no, this is, I really just want to be at home and be calm and quiet with myself and journal a little bit.
00:36:06.880 --> 00:36:13.760
And so becoming securely attached, I've learned how to listen to my feelings and let them guide me.
00:36:14.000 --> 00:36:24.480
And securely attached people, they do that naturally because they grew up in a home where they were encouraged to respect their feelings.
00:36:24.800 --> 00:36:27.840
The people around them respected their boundaries.
00:36:28.000 --> 00:36:29.519
And so that is their normal.
00:36:29.679 --> 00:36:35.760
So if someone doesn't respect their boundary and gets upset about it, that throws them off.
00:36:35.840 --> 00:36:37.199
Like, what the hell is going on here?
00:36:37.280 --> 00:36:38.639
I'm not used to this.
00:36:39.599 --> 00:36:46.159
So two adults will need to figure out whether there is enough room in the relationship for both of them.
00:36:46.400 --> 00:36:52.960
I'm grateful that I have a partner who could respect my need for space when I do need it.
00:36:53.280 --> 00:36:59.599
And that comes from his attachment style as well, knowing the importance of having some space.
00:36:59.920 --> 00:37:04.559
There are times when I can't have a conversation right away, he respects that as well.
00:37:04.800 --> 00:37:08.159
There are times when I'm overwhelmed, he respects that as well.
00:37:08.400 --> 00:37:12.079
And there are times when, I'm sorry, there are times when I am there.
00:37:12.239 --> 00:37:19.599
You know, there's never a time when he calls and wants to talk about something, and I say, Well, this is bothering me.
00:37:19.760 --> 00:37:26.400
So sometimes I can I have to say, I'm sorry, I can't talk right now, but I'll call you as soon as I'm done with this thing.
00:37:26.880 --> 00:37:29.679
Or I have the time to listen.
00:37:29.920 --> 00:37:36.639
So, you know, you have to be able to work to a place where both of you could accommodate each other's needs.
00:37:36.719 --> 00:37:40.000
And that is that comes from learning how to grow.
00:37:40.159 --> 00:37:46.320
This is not something that you're going to figure out about each other in a period of three to four months.
00:37:46.480 --> 00:38:01.280
It takes time to know the other person, know what the other person's needs are, to communicate what your needs are, see how the other person shows up for you, and then see your own capability in showing up for the other person.
00:38:02.000 --> 00:38:07.920
So understanding someone doesn't mean that you have to build a life with them, right?
00:38:08.079 --> 00:38:16.639
Some in some cases, you can understand exactly why they became an avoidant or an anxious attached style person.
00:38:16.960 --> 00:38:28.239
You can understand their childhood, you can understand their fears or see that little child underneath the adult behavior, and you could still say that this relationship isn't healthy for me.
00:38:28.559 --> 00:38:34.400
You can understand why an anxiously attached person clings to relationship.
00:38:34.719 --> 00:38:45.760
You know where they felt abandoned, you know that they were abandoned, you know that uncertainty scares them, it terrifies them.
00:38:45.920 --> 00:38:48.960
And you can have enormous compassion for that.
00:38:49.039 --> 00:39:01.679
And you could still say, I cannot live with someone who monitors me, checks my phone, demands constant reassurance, or makes me feel responsible for their emotional stability.
00:39:02.320 --> 00:39:09.360
Understanding isn't the same as agreeing with it, or agreeing that it has to be a part of your life.
00:39:09.599 --> 00:39:16.079
And having compassion doesn't mean that people still have the same access to you.
00:39:16.400 --> 00:39:21.760
And loving someone doesn't mean that you're obligated to stay.
00:39:22.079 --> 00:39:30.400
Sometimes the wisest thing that two people can do is learn how to love each other differently or love each other and walk away.
00:39:30.719 --> 00:39:38.559
And it is, it does take learning new skills about each other, about yourselves.
00:39:40.480 --> 00:39:46.000
You can also accept that you can love someone, but you're not compatible.
00:39:47.039 --> 00:39:52.000
So the question isn't just what your partner needs to learn.
00:39:52.400 --> 00:39:59.440
And this is where I feel like if the you could turn the conversation to you, this is where your growth is going to happen.
00:39:59.760 --> 00:40:04.239
It's very easy to listen to an episode like this and diagnose your partner.
00:40:04.639 --> 00:40:15.119
You could say, well, my husband never learned emotional intimacy, my wife is anxiously attached, my boyfriend is avoidant, my girlfriend expects me to regulate her emotions.
00:40:15.280 --> 00:40:23.039
Maybe, but before you send them this episode, you want to ask yourself, what didn't I learn?
00:40:23.519 --> 00:40:27.360
Maybe you learned how to achieve, but never learned how to rest.
00:40:27.840 --> 00:40:32.079
Maybe you learned how to care for somebody, but never learned how to say no.
00:40:32.960 --> 00:40:38.000
Maybe you learned independence, but never learned interdependence.
00:40:38.239 --> 00:40:43.679
Maybe you learned how to keep relationships together, but never learned when to leave one.
00:40:44.639 --> 00:40:50.239
Maybe you learned how to avoid conflict, but never learned how to repair.
00:40:51.360 --> 00:40:56.000
Maybe you learned how to earn love, but never learned how to receive it.
00:40:57.280 --> 00:41:06.719
Maybe you learned how to give people endless chances, but you never learned how to accept who they're showing you they are.
00:41:08.400 --> 00:41:16.639
We have unfinished parts of our education on this planet, and we're gonna have a lifetime to do it.
00:41:17.280 --> 00:41:19.920
So, three questions I want you to take with you.
00:41:21.199 --> 00:41:25.760
First one is what did my childhood teach me to do really well?
00:41:26.239 --> 00:41:28.559
I don't want you to look only for the wounds.
00:41:28.639 --> 00:41:41.440
I want you to look for things like maybe your family taught you loyalty or responsibility, independence, hospitality, hard work, emotional sensitivity, problem solving.
00:41:41.760 --> 00:41:45.920
There are probably things you learned that served you beautifully today.
00:41:46.079 --> 00:41:49.440
And the question is, what didn't I learn?
00:41:49.599 --> 00:41:54.480
That's a second question you want to probably journal about.
00:41:55.760 --> 00:41:59.760
Maybe nobody taught you how to apologize.
00:42:00.559 --> 00:42:04.800
Maybe you didn't learn how to tolerate disappointment.
00:42:06.000 --> 00:42:15.360
Maybe you did not learn that another person's bad move mood doesn't mean that you've done something wrong.
00:42:15.920 --> 00:42:20.800
Maybe nobody taught you that needing someone doesn't make you weak.
00:42:22.239 --> 00:42:28.000
Maybe you never learned that you could love someone and still say no.
00:42:29.039 --> 00:42:38.400
Now the third question is, what am I still expecting another adult to do for me because I haven't learned how to do it for myself?
00:42:38.719 --> 00:42:41.519
And that's a really uncomfortable one.
00:42:42.159 --> 00:42:51.039
Studies show that it's easier to blame someone else, or more people tend to want to blame someone else for their circumstance than take responsibility.
00:42:51.280 --> 00:42:59.119
I'll tell you from personal experience, being the victim and blaming everybody else for me being hurt never helped.
00:42:59.840 --> 00:43:05.360
It would be like me being upset that my partner is not going to the gym so that I could get the six pack.
00:43:05.599 --> 00:43:09.840
I have to do the work, I have to take responsibility, I have to make the move.
00:43:10.079 --> 00:43:21.360
So, yes, it's an uncomfortable one because eventually healing becomes less about complaining why we are the way we are and more about deciding if we're going to do something about it.
00:43:21.599 --> 00:43:29.119
Your childhood gave you your first lessons about relationship, and some were useful, some painful, some were completely wrong.
00:43:29.360 --> 00:43:34.320
But you don't have to spend your entire adulthood repeating the same lessons.
00:43:34.480 --> 00:43:36.559
You can learn something different.
00:43:37.679 --> 00:43:46.239
You can invite people you love to grow with you, but you can't make them.
00:43:46.880 --> 00:43:56.159
You can communicate, you can encourage, you can model, support, and set boundaries, and then at some point you have to let go of the outcome.
00:43:57.119 --> 00:44:01.280
Another person's growth belongs to them, they have to do it.
00:44:01.519 --> 00:44:03.280
You cannot help them.
00:44:03.920 --> 00:44:15.280
Your responsibility is deciding what you will learn, how you will love, what you're going to accept, and what you will no longer accept, and what kind of life you want to build.
00:44:18.000 --> 00:44:24.159
Maybe that's the biggest difference between simply getting older and becoming an adult.
00:44:24.639 --> 00:44:30.639
It is perhaps in realizing that I'm responsible for the life I build now.
00:44:31.840 --> 00:44:37.840
Even when I wasn't responsible for what taught me how to build it.
00:44:38.320 --> 00:44:49.920
You can't change your past, but you sure have control on today, the decisions you make for you today, and moving forward.
00:44:51.039 --> 00:44:52.559
Thank you for listening.
00:44:52.880 --> 00:44:59.760
Until next time, I'm your host, Annalisa Bahadur, and this has been Decoding Attachment Styles.
00:00:00.479 --> 00:00:03.680
Hello and welcome to The Coding Attachment Styles.
00:00:03.839 --> 00:00:12.800
Today we are talking about those adults who have grown up, but they did not learn exactly how to be an adult.
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You see, we have many people who can build a company, they can run it, but they cannot have difficult conversations.
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And across social media, even in personal conversations, I often hear people say, well, they're an adult, they should know what to do.
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But really, we only know what we should do based on what we've seen in our childhood.
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And I want to break that down because when we can understand this about humans, we start to see that a human being does not automatically become emotionally aware or emotionally mature at the age of 18 or 21, which is when society says that we are an adult, depending on what part of the world we're in.
00:00:55.359 --> 00:01:07.120
So there are people, and we know them, there are people who can cook and clean and pay their bills and raise their children and organize an entire household and completely fall apart when they feel rejected.
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And then there are those people who are incredibly loving when everything's going well, but then the moment there is some conflict, they disappear.
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And then there are the people who know exactly how to take care of everybody else, but they have no idea how to take care of themselves.
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You see, we tend to talk about adulthood as though it is one skill and everyone should know it.
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You're either mature or immature, you're responsible or irresponsible, you've got your life together or you don't.
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But I don't think that human beings are that simple.
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I believe that most of us learn certain parts of adulthood very well, and then there are other parts that nobody really taught us.
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So today I want us to talk about what happens when two adults enter into a relationship carrying completely different ideas about what it means to be an adult.
00:02:02.879 --> 00:02:18.080
We're going to talk about how this can show up in the anxious and avoidant attachment style because decoding attachment style is all about understanding these attachment styles and how we could become more securely attached.
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We're also going to talk about what secure attachment does differently.
00:02:22.719 --> 00:02:32.719
So someone with a secure attachment is going to behave and react very differently when they meet different humans with different adult-like behaviors.
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And perhaps in understanding how a secure attached person goes about handling these situations, we might be able to gain some new perspectives.
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And we're also going to be uh discussing a little bit about, you know, well, what it was like for someone like me who I've been an anxious attached person.
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And, you know, when we don't quite understand how another human being can show up, or we just don't like the way they show up, we would tend to say, well, I'm just anxious.
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Or it this behavior is just because I'm avoidant.
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But we can change some of our patterns, or we could learn new things.
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We could learn a different way of adulting.
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So, what did I learn to do is one of the questions that we want to ask ourselves.
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And we're going to dig deeper into this as the episode continues.
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And what is it I want to learn?
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What is it I still need to learn from me?
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For what, you know, depending on the kind of relationship that I want to have.
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Because understanding where our behavior came from, that can give us compassion, compassion for ourselves, being gentle with ourselves, and compassion for others.
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But eventually we're going to have to start to take some responsibility for what we do with it.
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So let's get into it.
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Before I do, before I do, I'm going to ask you to hit the subscribe button so that whenever a new episode comes out, you'll be a first to know.
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And you could get to your healing and your growing as quickly as possible.
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Do you know this about me?
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I probably don't never told you.
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One of my favorite evening pastimes is to watch an episode, a podcast episode.
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Oh, sorry, of one of the people that I follow.
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And I sit with a notebook, and I would have the name of the person, let's just say Stephen Bartlett is uh interviewing Brene Brown on vulnerability.
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And it's a particular topic.
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I have a notebook that I sit and I write the episode, not the episode number and all of it, and then I take notes of everything that I want to remember, something that I feel that might help me in the future.
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Now, I don't just collect information.
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I've been doing, I've I started doing this with Jay Shetty's podcast maybe 11 years ago or videos.
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I can't remember if it was podcasts, but I know it's videos.
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I would go to Barnes and Noble, grab my notebook, and take notes, listen to him, pause him, take notes.
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And that that's one part of the healing.
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That's the awareness, right?
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Now, the healing part is what do you do with the awareness?
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So I get to practicing the new thing I learned right away.
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I get to practicing the new thing I've learned right away.
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So I would advise you to do it.
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It's helped me to grow, uh, it's primed my brain to keep growing, keep learning, keep evolving.
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And if that's something that you're interested in doing, I strongly advise it.
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Just, you know, get a notebook, take your notes, and then review it every now and again.
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And it's also something that I notice with my clients.
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The ones who take notes are the ones who move faster in their healing.
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So without further ado, let's get to the podcast.
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Let's talk about the adult who never learned how to notice things.
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You know, we we think that, oh, as an adult, you should notice when things need to be done.
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You should just know it, you should look at it, you should see it.
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So let's start with something really ordinary.
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Imagine a little boy growing up in a home where his mother does almost everything.
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She notices when the laundry needs to be done, when they're running out of milk.
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She does the cooking and the cleaning.
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She remembers everybody's birthday, she buys the presents, she makes all of the appointments, she knows when somebody needs new shoes and she's keeping track of everything that's happening at school.
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And maybe this little boy he has some chores.
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Maybe he takes out the garbage.
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Maybe he cleans his room when his mother asks him like five or ten times.
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Maybe he does the dishes if he's asked a thousand times.
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But the important part is somebody else is noticing what needs to be done.
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He's not noticing.
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He's not growing up, noticing.
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He's being pushed to do it, he's being asked to do it, but he's not noticing because somebody else, his mom in this case, she's the one who sees it that it needs to be done, and she does it.
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Then the little boy grows up.
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He's about 35 years old.
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He's married, working, paying the bills, and he's probably really successful.
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And his partner says, Why do I have to tell you what needs to be done around here?
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And he really doesn't understand what the problem is.
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He's probably going to say something like, Just tell me what I need to do.
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And the partner says, That's the problem.
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I don't want to be responsible for noticing everything, and then having to beg you, to ask you, to probe you to get the things done.
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And now they're fighting about the dishes, except that they're not really fighting about the dishes, right?
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They're fighting about responsibility.
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One person feels like they're carrying all of the load and they're not, there is no respect.
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And the other one is just really confused because why can't you just communicate what you want?
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Now the partner is saying, I don't want to manage another adult.
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And he's saying, I don't understand why telling me what you need is like such a big deal.
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And this is where it's very easy to make one person the villain.
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We could make either one the villain in this case.
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We can say, Well, the partner could just say what they want.
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And we could say, well, the guy could just look around and see what needs to be done.
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So both can be made a villain, or we could choose to say, Well, this chap never really learned how to notice when things need to be done.
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Because somebody was always there picking up for him.
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And for him to automatically change what he's been taught for 35 years might be a little difficult.
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Okay.
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And we can say, well, this poor partner has to carry the entire load.
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And it's just so unfair and it's so difficult.
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So we could we could choose to see either as a villain or we could empathize with both of them.
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One of them is going to create anger, right?
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That's when we make someone a villain.
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The other one is going to keep us in a peaceful state to be able to communicate.
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And we all have a choice here.
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So someone's always noticing for this chap, and that explains something huge.
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It explains that, well, while it doesn't excuse him from learning now, now that he's aware, now that he's being told, there are two very different things that's going on here.
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Maybe he learned something that she didn't.
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And let's talk a little bit about that.
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We're going to complicate this a little, but I know, I know.
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You could keep up with us.
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So let's go.
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So because the same man learned to be incredibly responsible somewhere else, maybe his father taught him that you work, you provide, don't complain, solve problems, and you take care of your family.
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He now knows that when the car breaks down, he's going to be outside looking at it, trying to figure out how to solve that problem.
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He knows that if his family is in financial trouble, he's going to be working overtime.
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If that there's a break-in in the house, he figures out how to protect his family.
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If something needs fixing at home, he figures out how to fix it.
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And he's probably thinking, of course I'm taking care of my family.
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Look at it, I'm doing everything here.
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But his partner is thinking, but I feel completely alone.
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And both experiences are real and true and valid because human beings don't mature the same way.
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You can be incredibly developed in one area and underdeveloped in another area.
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And nowhere is that more obvious in relationships because in relationships you see where the other person's strength is.
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You see where yours is.
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I'll tell you when when Larry and I are going on a vacation.
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I just kind of don't do much with the planning.
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I'll do a little bit, but he's the one who pretty much does most of the planning, the, you know, the itinerary.
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And what he's really great at is if if we're in a new place, he'll just go online and you know research on things that we could do, things that we both like, or something that he knows I love history.
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So he'll find like a historical place that we can go to.
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And he's great at that.
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However, in past relationships, I was the Larry.
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I was the one doing that.
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I was the one putting things together.
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Because in those relationships, the other person wasn't as good as it as I was.
00:12:21.519 --> 00:12:40.000
And so, you know, in relationships, what we can start to do is lean into another person's strength, recognize our own, work on the areas that we want to strengthen or we want to grow in, but you know, you could you compensate, you, you, that's what partnership is.
00:12:40.159 --> 00:12:51.679
You bring something different to the table that helps the relationship to be more loving, peaceful, fulfilling, you know, all the fun stuff that we're looking for.
00:12:52.639 --> 00:13:03.840
But with this dynamic, the man and his partner, we want to look at attachment styles and how they play out here.
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Let's take the avoidant-leaning person.
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They may have learned that independence is incredibly important and they know it very well.
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Maybe they were young, being upset didn't, you know, make anyone come towards them.
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You know, if they were upset, no one really cared or show that they cared.
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Maybe they heard things like stop crying or you're fine or go figure it out.
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Or maybe nobody said anything.
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And what they learned is that their feelings was theirs to manage.
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Their feelings were theirs to manage.
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So they adapted.
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They learned I can handle everything myself.
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And that can produce a really capable adult.
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They work, solve problems, they don't need much reassurance, they can spend time alone, they may stay surprisingly calm in situations where everybody else is panicking.
00:14:04.639 --> 00:14:06.320
And those are real strengths.
00:14:06.480 --> 00:14:11.840
The problem is that sometimes independence becomes the only tool that they have.
00:14:12.559 --> 00:14:24.639
So now that their partner is upset, and their partner is probably saying, I really need you right now, they're wondering, why can't you handle this yourself?
00:14:24.799 --> 00:14:34.159
And it's not because they don't care, it's because in their minds, when you handle things yourself, that is what adulthood looks like.
00:14:34.399 --> 00:14:46.960
So they give advice, they try to solve the problem, they tell their partner not to worry, or they may just withdraw because they don't know what they're supposed to be with another adult's emotional distress.
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They figure out that adults should know how to handle their own emotions.
00:14:52.720 --> 00:14:59.679
But what their partner is experiencing is you don't really care about me, which is not true.
00:14:59.919 --> 00:15:02.879
Now let's look at how the anxious attached person does it.
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Before I do, don't forget to hit the subscribe button, pretty please.
00:15:07.120 --> 00:15:07.360
Okay.
00:15:07.600 --> 00:15:14.000
And thanks for following and supporting and you know, trusting me with your relationships.
00:15:14.399 --> 00:15:16.159
Let's get back into it.
00:15:16.559 --> 00:15:27.120
Let's look at what an anxious attached leaning person may have learned their entire life, and this would be their set of skills.
00:15:27.840 --> 00:15:31.039
They might have been exceptionally good at noticing.
00:15:31.279 --> 00:15:36.799
They might have walked into a room and immediately know when somebody is upset.
00:15:37.120 --> 00:15:40.960
They can hear slight changes in their partner's voice.
00:15:41.120 --> 00:15:45.679
Now, side note, someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style will know this too.
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The slight change in tones, that's a everybody knows stuff because we can sense danger.
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Or when to relax.
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They remember what everybody likes.
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That is why they're great at giving presents.
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They check in, they anticipate someone's needs.
00:16:03.200 --> 00:16:05.440
Okay, if you're sick, I'm gonna get you some soup.
00:16:05.600 --> 00:16:11.840
If you're sick, I'm gonna get you flowers and or check in to see how you're doing, if you need anything.
00:16:12.240 --> 00:16:15.279
And that makes them incredibly nurturing partners.
00:16:15.519 --> 00:16:30.080
But there is a big cost because somewhere along the way, noticing other people's emotional states may have become their way of staying connected, their way of being safe.
00:16:30.399 --> 00:16:33.759
So it's a thinking of if you're okay, then I'm okay.
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If you're upset with me, I need to fix it.
00:16:36.399 --> 00:16:40.000
If you're pulling away, I need to do something and bring you back.
00:16:40.240 --> 00:16:43.440
If you're unhappy, I need to figure out why.
00:16:43.679 --> 00:16:51.200
And suddenly what looks like caregiving from the outside can easily become something very exhausting for them.
00:16:51.440 --> 00:16:57.840
Because now you're not simply loving another person, you're actually monitoring them, you're babying them.
00:16:58.000 --> 00:17:05.759
Your partner comes home really quiet, and instead of thinking, he seems quiet tonight, your mind starts to think something is wrong.
00:17:05.920 --> 00:17:08.319
Then you're gonna ask, Did I do something wrong?
00:17:08.559 --> 00:17:12.160
And then you're wondering, is he upset with me?
00:17:12.319 --> 00:17:15.359
And then you ask, is there something happening between us?
00:17:15.519 --> 00:17:17.039
Or maybe you ask, What's wrong?
00:17:17.200 --> 00:17:18.720
And he says, Nothing, I'm tired.
00:17:18.960 --> 00:17:21.519
Then five minutes after you're asking, Are you sure?
00:17:21.759 --> 00:17:23.039
And he says, Yes.
00:17:23.359 --> 00:17:27.839
Then ten minutes after, you say, Well, you kind of seem distant.
00:17:28.559 --> 00:17:29.359
And guess what?
00:17:29.519 --> 00:17:31.279
By now he's irritated.
00:17:31.680 --> 00:17:34.960
And you think, I knew something was wrong.
00:17:35.119 --> 00:17:37.680
But what really happened was nothing.
00:17:38.000 --> 00:17:39.440
He was just tired.
00:17:39.680 --> 00:17:48.720
And because he's already tired, because he's already overwhelmed, now he's got to step in to reassure you, which means more exhaustion, more overwhelm.
00:17:48.880 --> 00:17:50.240
And he's irritated.
00:17:50.400 --> 00:17:55.759
But what happens is a lot of times we self-sabotage, which is for another episode.
00:17:56.000 --> 00:17:58.480
But this is what self-sabotaging looks like.
00:17:58.640 --> 00:18:10.799
Someone tells you something, but you keep pushing and pushing and pushing to see if they could stay calm and still be reassuring and validating.
00:18:11.119 --> 00:18:14.880
But we were forgetting that it's another human being and they snap.
00:18:15.039 --> 00:18:16.000
Human beings snap.
00:18:16.160 --> 00:18:18.160
Human beings, we we have a threshold.
00:18:18.559 --> 00:18:25.440
And when they react, it's like, oh, see, nobody's ever there, nobody's ever kind, nobody cares.
00:18:25.680 --> 00:18:30.720
But we have to start looking at what's going on with the other person as well.
00:18:31.759 --> 00:18:36.559
So in these cases, two people can both be trying to stay safe.
00:18:36.799 --> 00:18:43.359
And this is where the anxious and the avoidant dynamics become so painful.
00:18:43.599 --> 00:18:51.839
When one person learned when something feels off or something feels wrong, I have to move closer.
00:18:52.079 --> 00:18:57.039
The other one learned that when something feels overwhelming, I need to have some space.
00:18:57.759 --> 00:19:03.200
So one person keeps reaching out, the other one keeps pulling back.
00:19:03.440 --> 00:19:09.680
The reaching becomes more intense because of the one who's pulling away.
00:19:10.079 --> 00:19:16.960
And the one who is pulling away, well, that becomes more intense because of the one who keeps reaching out.
00:19:17.200 --> 00:19:24.319
And both people eventually say, see, this is exactly why I can't trust to be in a relationship with someone.
00:19:24.559 --> 00:19:32.000
The anxious attached person is thinking people leave, and the avoidant attached person is thinking people just consume me and all of my time.
00:19:33.039 --> 00:19:39.119
And both persons are in a state of protecting themselves.
00:19:39.359 --> 00:19:45.680
And what they are doing is looking for evidence that the other person doesn't care about them.
00:19:47.039 --> 00:19:53.119
That's why I don't find it particularly useful to ask who's the toxic one.
00:19:53.279 --> 00:19:55.839
In fact, I don't like the word toxic.
00:19:56.079 --> 00:19:59.359
Sometimes nobody is deliberately trying to hurt anybody.
00:19:59.440 --> 00:20:09.599
Sometimes you just have two adults using the survival skills that they learned in their childhood and it made sense then, but it's no longer working today.
00:20:09.759 --> 00:20:11.920
It's not helping anyone today.
00:20:12.079 --> 00:20:15.359
And I do believe people deserve compassion.
00:20:17.200 --> 00:20:30.160
At the same time, at the same time, I want to remind us that having compassion doesn't mean that we have to pretend that these behaviors aren't hurting us and that they don't have consequences.
00:20:30.400 --> 00:20:35.359
But let's talk a little bit about what a secure attached person would do differently.
00:20:35.519 --> 00:20:42.240
And if you don't mind, I'm just gonna take a tiny two seconds to take a sip of my coffee, which is going cold.
00:20:45.519 --> 00:20:50.880
It's 1013 in New York City, and I've just had my first sip of coffee.
00:20:51.200 --> 00:20:53.599
So thank you for permitting me that bit of time.
00:20:53.759 --> 00:20:59.519
So let's get into how does a secure attached person show up differently.
00:21:00.640 --> 00:21:09.920
You see, I think people sometimes imagine securely attached people as these perfectly calm human beings who never get triggered.
00:21:10.960 --> 00:21:13.279
That is not being secure.
00:21:13.759 --> 00:21:16.240
A secure person can get jealous.
00:21:16.400 --> 00:21:17.599
They're human beings.
00:21:17.839 --> 00:21:21.200
They can get scared and angry and overwhelmed.
00:21:21.359 --> 00:21:25.039
They sometimes need reassurance, not about themselves.
00:21:25.119 --> 00:21:33.359
They don't need the oh, you're pretty or you're smart, but they need reassurance about the relationship, where you know, where this relationship is going, where do we stand?
00:21:33.440 --> 00:21:36.079
Let's have a conversation when there's conflict.
00:21:36.319 --> 00:21:43.200
They also need space, which I don't know why people don't think that secure attached people need space.
00:21:43.839 --> 00:21:45.440
We're human beings.
00:21:46.480 --> 00:21:53.440
Imagine having a puppy and you have that puppy at home all the time, every day.
00:21:53.599 --> 00:21:59.599
No, that puppy looks outside in the window and looks at other dogs and wanna go play and wanna do stuff.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:06.880
So even the most faithful of human animals, I mean animals to humans, still needs space.
00:22:07.039 --> 00:22:08.799
Doesn't mean that it doesn't love you.
00:22:09.039 --> 00:22:12.559
Human beings, we need a lot more space than a puppy.
00:22:12.640 --> 00:22:16.880
We deal with so many things in our lives, so many responsibilities.
00:22:17.200 --> 00:22:19.839
Secure attached people can get things wrong.
00:22:20.079 --> 00:22:21.519
They're not always right.
00:22:21.680 --> 00:22:26.079
They're not perfect little halo angels walking on earth.
00:22:26.319 --> 00:22:38.799
The difference is that when you are secure, you can create more room for what you feel and what you're responsible for.
00:22:39.680 --> 00:22:40.000
Okay.
00:22:40.720 --> 00:22:54.000
So the difference between secure attached people and those who are insecure is that the secure attached person is grounded in themselves.
00:22:54.160 --> 00:23:02.640
They're not their decisions, their actions, their reactions are not based on being triggered.
00:23:02.799 --> 00:23:14.720
They can be triggered and they can still be calm and respond from that place, but it doesn't mean that they're not going to be upset if, let's say, for example, they feel like their boundaries are being disrespected.
00:23:15.680 --> 00:23:19.440
So let's go back to our anxious attached example.
00:23:19.759 --> 00:23:22.000
Your partner comes home quiet.
00:23:22.559 --> 00:23:27.759
An anxious attached person wonders, is something wrong and how do I fix it?
00:23:28.000 --> 00:23:33.039
A secure attached person may think, okay, he seems quiet.
00:23:33.359 --> 00:23:34.240
I can ask.
00:23:34.480 --> 00:23:37.200
So they say, You seem a little quiet tonight.
00:23:37.279 --> 00:23:38.559
Is everything okay?
00:23:38.960 --> 00:23:41.440
And he says, Yeah, just a rough day.
00:23:41.839 --> 00:23:43.519
I just need to decompress.
00:23:43.839 --> 00:23:56.400
And a secure attached person is not going to pretend as though, you know, you don't feel anything, you don't feel that there was something off here.
00:23:57.279 --> 00:24:05.759
They're going to notice it, but they're not going to take it upon them to go and fix their partner and the distress that they're going through.
00:24:06.079 --> 00:24:12.400
And they're probably just going to say something like, okay, here if you need me or if you need to talk, and then they get about their lives.
00:24:12.559 --> 00:24:17.680
And it's not that they they're detaching themselves or they don't feel anything.
00:24:17.920 --> 00:24:32.480
It's that they trust that the other human being that they're in partnership with, that they have a relationship with, can also handle their emotions, but come towards the relationship should they need support.
00:24:32.880 --> 00:24:40.480
So they're not stepping into the role of a parent or a nurse or a therapist.
00:24:40.720 --> 00:24:41.920
Oh, let me help you.
00:24:42.079 --> 00:24:47.680
You know, you go to a doctor's office, they expect you to have a problem that they're going to fix.
00:24:47.920 --> 00:24:51.920
And there you're going to them because you're not a specialist in that field.
00:24:52.079 --> 00:24:52.880
They are.
00:24:53.359 --> 00:24:57.519
So it makes sense for them to ask, how can I help you?
00:24:57.599 --> 00:24:58.880
And you try to assist.
00:24:59.039 --> 00:25:12.400
But when you're two, if you want to be adults, in a relationship, then that is a relationship where you both have to trust and respect that the other person can handle their own emotions.
00:25:12.640 --> 00:25:20.160
And if they need you, that's where they lean on the partnership and they can come towards you and say, Okay, I need some help here.
00:25:20.559 --> 00:25:23.359
Now let's look at the avoided side of things.
00:25:23.599 --> 00:25:26.240
Your partner says, I had a terrible day.
00:25:26.480 --> 00:25:27.839
Can I talk to you?
00:25:28.160 --> 00:25:34.240
An avoidant attached person may hear something like, Here comes another emotional demand.
00:25:34.880 --> 00:25:38.240
Now, a secure attached person will do something differently.
00:25:38.400 --> 00:25:48.240
Maybe you really don't have the time or the capacity in that moment to attend to your partner's whatever need that is.
00:25:48.720 --> 00:25:59.359
But instead of disappearing or becoming irritated, a secure attached person is going to say, Hey, I really want to hear about it, but my brain is fried right now.
00:25:59.599 --> 00:26:02.559
Can I take about 20 minutes to decompress and we can talk?
00:26:02.640 --> 00:26:05.119
Now they're not asking permission.
00:26:06.000 --> 00:26:10.240
Can I take 20 minutes to decompress and then we talk?
00:26:10.400 --> 00:26:11.759
Isn't asking permission.
00:26:11.920 --> 00:26:17.200
It's inviting you into having a conversation about this, an understanding.
00:26:17.599 --> 00:26:30.400
I want to know that you hear me, that you get that I cannot, I want to deal with this, I want to hear you, I want to hear you out, I want to understand this, but I don't have the capacity for it right now.
00:26:32.079 --> 00:26:40.480
They didn't abandon themselves, and they didn't abandon their partner, and they communicated the boundary.
00:26:40.640 --> 00:26:44.240
The boundary is I can't because my brain is fried.
00:26:44.880 --> 00:26:46.960
And then they come back to the table.
00:26:47.200 --> 00:27:02.799
So it's very important for a secure attached person to function this way in a relationship because they're able to balance their own needs with the needs of a partner and the needs of a relationship.
00:27:03.680 --> 00:27:07.039
The boundary isn't always leave me alone.
00:27:07.200 --> 00:27:10.400
Sometimes it's need it's I need 20 minutes.
00:27:10.720 --> 00:27:13.279
Healthy boundary is not leave me alone.
00:27:13.440 --> 00:27:14.240
Leave me alone.
00:27:14.319 --> 00:27:15.599
It's hurtful.
00:27:16.319 --> 00:27:21.440
A healthy boundary is I need 20 minutes and I'll come and find you afterwards.
00:27:21.759 --> 00:27:22.079
Okay.
00:27:24.000 --> 00:27:40.000
One of the things that people tend to think about secure attached people is that they're going to abandon their needs and show up to validate and give all the space in the world, and they're just like sitting around like little fateful puppies waiting for you to come home.
00:27:40.160 --> 00:27:42.000
No, that's not what they do.
00:27:43.599 --> 00:27:51.440
Secure attachment does not mean that you become endlessly accommodating to everybody else's needs.
00:27:51.680 --> 00:27:57.599
Sometimes people who are trying to heal anxious attachment start to think that I need to give them more space.
00:27:57.680 --> 00:28:01.359
And yes, sometimes they need more space depending on what's going on.
00:28:01.519 --> 00:28:12.880
But if somebody disappears for four days every time there's conflict, being secure doesn't mean sitting quietly at home and proving how non-anxious you've become.
00:28:14.079 --> 00:28:25.440
If you're securely attached, you could say something like, I understand that you need space when you're overwhelmed, and I'm willing to give that space.
00:28:26.000 --> 00:28:36.000
However, I need to be in a relationship with someone who could communicate their need for space instead of just disappearing whenever something becomes uncomfortable.
00:28:36.240 --> 00:28:40.640
Now, you're not trying to control anyone with something like that, a statement like this.
00:28:40.799 --> 00:28:45.200
What you're saying is you're not allowed to disappear.
00:28:45.440 --> 00:28:47.359
I'm not okay with it.
00:28:47.759 --> 00:28:57.519
You're saying if this is how the relationship works for you, or how our relationship works for you, it doesn't work for me this way.
00:28:57.680 --> 00:29:00.880
I don't want to be in a kind of relationship like this.
00:29:01.519 --> 00:29:07.039
And that is where your boundaries can be very liberating for you.
00:29:07.839 --> 00:29:13.599
Because you're not trying to help a person behave in a correct form.
00:29:13.680 --> 00:29:35.119
You're not trying to control the way they behave, you're just looking at how they show up, and you're making a decision on if you're going to be a part of it, if you're going to engage in this kind of behavior, or should you need to leave this relationship and find someone who is ready to be in that kind of commitment that you're looking for.
00:29:35.359 --> 00:29:38.799
It's kind of like matching your values.
00:29:41.039 --> 00:29:45.519
Being securely attached also doesn't mean forcing yourself to be emotional.
00:29:45.680 --> 00:29:52.720
The avoidant attached person doesn't have to become an anxious attached person's version of emotional availability.
00:29:52.880 --> 00:29:55.759
They have their own way of showing up emotionally.
00:29:55.920 --> 00:29:59.200
You don't have to talk for three hours every time something happens.
00:29:59.440 --> 00:30:01.119
You don't have to text all day.
00:30:01.279 --> 00:30:10.640
You don't have to process every feeling immediately, and you don't have to surrender your need for solitude because a secure attached person will not do that.
00:30:10.960 --> 00:30:16.480
Healing isn't replacing one person's needs with another person's needs.
00:30:16.640 --> 00:30:33.200
So it's not becoming an anxious attached person doesn't have to become an avoidant attached person, and an avoidant attached person doesn't have to become an anxious attached person because what you're doing is trading one set of insecure behaviors for another set of insecure behaviors.
00:30:33.440 --> 00:30:56.000
Nobody wants to be an anxious, or you should not want to be an anxiously attached person, and you should not want to be an avoidantly attached person because while both have incredible characteristics, personality traits to be proud of, there's some that are also traits and patterns and behaviors that holds a person back.
00:30:56.880 --> 00:31:03.279
So neither one of these attachment styles should be the aim.
00:31:03.440 --> 00:31:13.519
A secure attached person doesn't sit around and say, oh my gosh, I can't wait until I heal and become anxiously attached, or I become avoidantly attached.
00:31:13.599 --> 00:31:15.519
There are a balance of both.
00:31:16.160 --> 00:31:26.400
There is a healthy balance of the strengths of both attachment style in one in a secure attachment.
00:31:26.640 --> 00:31:48.480
It is being able to, or not being able to, not not being afraid of being vulnerable, open to intimacy, respecting space and appreciating space, respecting and appreciating the need to be independent, but also open to interdependence.
00:31:48.720 --> 00:31:53.440
You know, so it's a little bit of both, but it's in a healthy dose.
00:31:56.319 --> 00:31:57.519
It's a coffee sip.
00:31:57.599 --> 00:31:59.200
No, I didn't just drop off.
00:32:00.799 --> 00:32:13.039
And so yeah, you know, it it there they move at a pace, and I think what has helped me to become securely attached really was paying attention to my feelings.
00:32:13.200 --> 00:32:16.960
I let my feelings, my intuition, guide me.
00:32:17.599 --> 00:32:20.079
I started to speak up.
00:32:20.240 --> 00:32:23.039
There are times when I need space and I asked for it.
00:32:23.119 --> 00:32:25.759
There are times when I need connection and I ask for it.
00:32:25.839 --> 00:32:33.279
And I'll give you just an example this week where my partner, for those of you who've been following me for a while, will know this.
00:32:33.359 --> 00:32:40.559
But those of you who are new, my partner comes from a fearful avoidant attachment style, and he's been in therapy for decades.
00:32:41.519 --> 00:32:46.240
Wonderful, present, you know, capable partner.
00:32:47.440 --> 00:32:50.319
Early in the week, I wasn't feeling very well.
00:32:50.480 --> 00:32:53.759
And I've learned for the most part to manage my own emotions.
00:32:53.920 --> 00:32:58.160
But this particular time, I I had like some massive cramps.
00:32:58.319 --> 00:33:00.640
I'm perfectly fine, it's just a normal thing.
00:33:00.960 --> 00:33:04.559
Massive cramps, and I started to miss my mom a lot.
00:33:04.720 --> 00:33:08.240
And my mom passed away when I was 13 years old.
00:33:08.480 --> 00:33:18.880
And I just I find that recently when I've so my cramping, it stopped when I was 19, and it started again in January of this year.
00:33:19.200 --> 00:33:32.319
And what I realize is during my cramping seasons, it would trigger, they would trigger these memories of my mom and what she used to do when I had these massive cramps.
00:33:33.119 --> 00:33:36.559
And I just start to miss her a lot.
00:33:36.880 --> 00:33:39.200
And I start to feel incredibly sad.
00:33:39.599 --> 00:33:50.160
And so this particular time a few days ago, I called my partner and I said, you know, I'm going through a really, really difficult time.
00:33:50.640 --> 00:33:53.599
Do you mind coming and being with me?
00:33:54.319 --> 00:33:57.680
And he said, Sure, babe, I'll be there in a bit.
00:33:57.920 --> 00:34:00.319
And we hung up the phone and he was here.
00:34:01.920 --> 00:34:05.359
And, you know, I felt better and blah, blah.
00:34:05.759 --> 00:34:17.199
But then two days after, I was getting into work and life and all of it, and he was going out with the kids for dinner, and he invited me to come along.
00:34:17.440 --> 00:34:25.679
And I have had two or three, three crazy weeks, like incredibly busy, incredibly exhausted.
00:34:26.079 --> 00:34:32.559
It's a time in my life where I'm managing the physical stress of my body.
00:34:33.039 --> 00:34:36.719
And I did a gym workout and I was a little tired.
00:34:36.880 --> 00:34:42.800
And I sent a message and I said, Hey, do you mind if we we can make some plans to meet with the kids this weekend?
00:34:43.039 --> 00:34:46.559
Because I'd really rather stay in this evening.
00:34:46.800 --> 00:34:48.559
And he was perfectly fine with it.
00:34:48.719 --> 00:35:01.920
Now, as an anxious attached person, I would have leaned in more every time I had a cramp or a pain or a discomfort, and I would lean in more into the relationship on my partner.
00:35:02.400 --> 00:35:09.119
Now I decide on what I can manage on my own, and sometimes I just want him there.
00:35:10.079 --> 00:35:20.239
And then there are times when, you know, in the past, as an anxious attached person, I would have felt like, oh my gosh, if I don't show up, then I'm not going to be a part of this little group.
00:35:20.559 --> 00:35:27.440
And, you know, it gives me an opportunity to hang out, to build a bond with him and the kids and build memories.
00:35:27.519 --> 00:35:35.119
And just in case, you know, something gets shaky, or maybe this proves to him that we could be together and all of that.
00:35:35.280 --> 00:35:42.559
And now it's no, the kids and him and everybody else also they already see my value.
00:35:42.719 --> 00:35:44.639
I don't have to try harder.
00:35:45.039 --> 00:35:46.159
They know who I am.
00:35:46.320 --> 00:35:48.239
We've built a relationship.
00:35:48.559 --> 00:35:53.519
And I know that they would appreciate if I need to miss one dinner.
00:35:53.840 --> 00:36:06.400
It's not like this is a habit, but I could also say, no, this is, I really just want to be at home and be calm and quiet with myself and journal a little bit.
00:36:06.880 --> 00:36:13.760
And so becoming securely attached, I've learned how to listen to my feelings and let them guide me.
00:36:14.000 --> 00:36:24.480
And securely attached people, they do that naturally because they grew up in a home where they were encouraged to respect their feelings.
00:36:24.800 --> 00:36:27.840
The people around them respected their boundaries.
00:36:28.000 --> 00:36:29.519
And so that is their normal.
00:36:29.679 --> 00:36:35.760
So if someone doesn't respect their boundary and gets upset about it, that throws them off.
00:36:35.840 --> 00:36:37.199
Like, what the hell is going on here?
00:36:37.280 --> 00:36:38.639
I'm not used to this.
00:36:39.599 --> 00:36:46.159
So two adults will need to figure out whether there is enough room in the relationship for both of them.
00:36:46.400 --> 00:36:52.960
I'm grateful that I have a partner who could respect my need for space when I do need it.
00:36:53.280 --> 00:36:59.599
And that comes from his attachment style as well, knowing the importance of having some space.
00:36:59.920 --> 00:37:04.559
There are times when I can't have a conversation right away, he respects that as well.
00:37:04.800 --> 00:37:08.159
There are times when I'm overwhelmed, he respects that as well.
00:37:08.400 --> 00:37:12.079
And there are times when, I'm sorry, there are times when I am there.
00:37:12.239 --> 00:37:19.599
You know, there's never a time when he calls and wants to talk about something, and I say, Well, this is bothering me.
00:37:19.760 --> 00:37:26.400
So sometimes I can I have to say, I'm sorry, I can't talk right now, but I'll call you as soon as I'm done with this thing.
00:37:26.880 --> 00:37:29.679
Or I have the time to listen.
00:37:29.920 --> 00:37:36.639
So, you know, you have to be able to work to a place where both of you could accommodate each other's needs.
00:37:36.719 --> 00:37:40.000
And that is that comes from learning how to grow.
00:37:40.159 --> 00:37:46.320
This is not something that you're going to figure out about each other in a period of three to four months.
00:37:46.480 --> 00:38:01.280
It takes time to know the other person, know what the other person's needs are, to communicate what your needs are, see how the other person shows up for you, and then see your own capability in showing up for the other person.
00:38:02.000 --> 00:38:07.920
So understanding someone doesn't mean that you have to build a life with them, right?
00:38:08.079 --> 00:38:16.639
Some in some cases, you can understand exactly why they became an avoidant or an anxious attached style person.
00:38:16.960 --> 00:38:28.239
You can understand their childhood, you can understand their fears or see that little child underneath the adult behavior, and you could still say that this relationship isn't healthy for me.
00:38:28.559 --> 00:38:34.400
You can understand why an anxiously attached person clings to relationship.
00:38:34.719 --> 00:38:45.760
You know where they felt abandoned, you know that they were abandoned, you know that uncertainty scares them, it terrifies them.
00:38:45.920 --> 00:38:48.960
And you can have enormous compassion for that.
00:38:49.039 --> 00:39:01.679
And you could still say, I cannot live with someone who monitors me, checks my phone, demands constant reassurance, or makes me feel responsible for their emotional stability.
00:39:02.320 --> 00:39:09.360
Understanding isn't the same as agreeing with it, or agreeing that it has to be a part of your life.
00:39:09.599 --> 00:39:16.079
And having compassion doesn't mean that people still have the same access to you.
00:39:16.400 --> 00:39:21.760
And loving someone doesn't mean that you're obligated to stay.
00:39:22.079 --> 00:39:30.400
Sometimes the wisest thing that two people can do is learn how to love each other differently or love each other and walk away.
00:39:30.719 --> 00:39:38.559
And it is, it does take learning new skills about each other, about yourselves.
00:39:40.480 --> 00:39:46.000
You can also accept that you can love someone, but you're not compatible.
00:39:47.039 --> 00:39:52.000
So the question isn't just what your partner needs to learn.
00:39:52.400 --> 00:39:59.440
And this is where I feel like if the you could turn the conversation to you, this is where your growth is going to happen.
00:39:59.760 --> 00:40:04.239
It's very easy to listen to an episode like this and diagnose your partner.
00:40:04.639 --> 00:40:15.119
You could say, well, my husband never learned emotional intimacy, my wife is anxiously attached, my boyfriend is avoidant, my girlfriend expects me to regulate her emotions.
00:40:15.280 --> 00:40:23.039
Maybe, but before you send them this episode, you want to ask yourself, what didn't I learn?
00:40:23.519 --> 00:40:27.360
Maybe you learned how to achieve, but never learned how to rest.
00:40:27.840 --> 00:40:32.079
Maybe you learned how to care for somebody, but never learned how to say no.
00:40:32.960 --> 00:40:38.000
Maybe you learned independence, but never learned interdependence.
00:40:38.239 --> 00:40:43.679
Maybe you learned how to keep relationships together, but never learned when to leave one.
00:40:44.639 --> 00:40:50.239
Maybe you learned how to avoid conflict, but never learned how to repair.
00:40:51.360 --> 00:40:56.000
Maybe you learned how to earn love, but never learned how to receive it.
00:40:57.280 --> 00:41:06.719
Maybe you learned how to give people endless chances, but you never learned how to accept who they're showing you they are.
00:41:08.400 --> 00:41:16.639
We have unfinished parts of our education on this planet, and we're gonna have a lifetime to do it.
00:41:17.280 --> 00:41:19.920
So, three questions I want you to take with you.
00:41:21.199 --> 00:41:25.760
First one is what did my childhood teach me to do really well?
00:41:26.239 --> 00:41:28.559
I don't want you to look only for the wounds.
00:41:28.639 --> 00:41:41.440
I want you to look for things like maybe your family taught you loyalty or responsibility, independence, hospitality, hard work, emotional sensitivity, problem solving.
00:41:41.760 --> 00:41:45.920
There are probably things you learned that served you beautifully today.
00:41:46.079 --> 00:41:49.440
And the question is, what didn't I learn?
00:41:49.599 --> 00:41:54.480
That's a second question you want to probably journal about.
00:41:55.760 --> 00:41:59.760
Maybe nobody taught you how to apologize.
00:42:00.559 --> 00:42:04.800
Maybe you didn't learn how to tolerate disappointment.
00:42:06.000 --> 00:42:15.360
Maybe you did not learn that another person's bad move mood doesn't mean that you've done something wrong.
00:42:15.920 --> 00:42:20.800
Maybe nobody taught you that needing someone doesn't make you weak.
00:42:22.239 --> 00:42:28.000
Maybe you never learned that you could love someone and still say no.
00:42:29.039 --> 00:42:38.400
Now the third question is, what am I still expecting another adult to do for me because I haven't learned how to do it for myself?
00:42:38.719 --> 00:42:41.519
And that's a really uncomfortable one.
00:42:42.159 --> 00:42:51.039
Studies show that it's easier to blame someone else, or more people tend to want to blame someone else for their circumstance than take responsibility.
00:42:51.280 --> 00:42:59.119
I'll tell you from personal experience, being the victim and blaming everybody else for me being hurt never helped.
00:42:59.840 --> 00:43:05.360
It would be like me being upset that my partner is not going to the gym so that I could get the six pack.
00:43:05.599 --> 00:43:09.840
I have to do the work, I have to take responsibility, I have to make the move.
00:43:10.079 --> 00:43:21.360
So, yes, it's an uncomfortable one because eventually healing becomes less about complaining why we are the way we are and more about deciding if we're going to do something about it.
00:43:21.599 --> 00:43:29.119
Your childhood gave you your first lessons about relationship, and some were useful, some painful, some were completely wrong.
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But you don't have to spend your entire adulthood repeating the same lessons.
00:43:34.480 --> 00:43:36.559
You can learn something different.
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You can invite people you love to grow with you, but you can't make them.
00:43:46.880 --> 00:43:56.159
You can communicate, you can encourage, you can model, support, and set boundaries, and then at some point you have to let go of the outcome.
00:43:57.119 --> 00:44:01.280
Another person's growth belongs to them, they have to do it.
00:44:01.519 --> 00:44:03.280
You cannot help them.
00:44:03.920 --> 00:44:15.280
Your responsibility is deciding what you will learn, how you will love, what you're going to accept, and what you will no longer accept, and what kind of life you want to build.
00:44:18.000 --> 00:44:24.159
Maybe that's the biggest difference between simply getting older and becoming an adult.
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It is perhaps in realizing that I'm responsible for the life I build now.
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Even when I wasn't responsible for what taught me how to build it.
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You can't change your past, but you sure have control on today, the decisions you make for you today, and moving forward.
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Thank you for listening.
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Until next time, I'm your host, Annalisa Bahadur, and this has been Decoding Attachment Styles.
