WEBVTT
00:00.098 --> 00:16.103
[SPEAKER_00]: Hello friends, you a here for a quickie and something that's been on my mind lately is this question of is the depth of your relationship together directly correlated to the amount of shit you go through together.
00:16.543 --> 00:34.862
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm asking this question because I talk about my parents' relationship a lot and I've been looking at their friends' marriages as well and all of them have that immigrant story picked up their lives, moved to the US, came with two dollars in their bank account and didn't know anybody here.
00:35.322 --> 00:38.846
[SPEAKER_00]: So two people had to really come together as a team.
00:39.446 --> 00:57.397
[SPEAKER_00]: Survive in this new environment this new world together and something that I find very admirable from my parents Is that both of them set their ego aside because they both came from academia in China came to the states and and in order to survive my mom
00:57.997 --> 01:07.480
[SPEAKER_00]: worked in assembly line, she worked as a housekeeper, she was a babysitter, she just did whatever she could to make ends meet and my dad did the same.
01:08.440 --> 01:15.382
[SPEAKER_00]: At the sacrifice of their relationship, I mean there were nights that like I wouldn't see my parents till I was ready to go to bed.
01:15.542 --> 01:21.044
[SPEAKER_00]: But because of this survival phase of their relationship,
01:21.364 --> 01:24.990
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it is what's made them so close.
01:25.010 --> 01:30.598
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel that my parents are more like relatives than anything else.
01:30.618 --> 01:32.321
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, my mom says this all the time.
01:32.441 --> 01:34.304
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, my dad is her family.
01:34.384 --> 01:36.988
[SPEAKER_00]: They are family because they win.
01:37.088 --> 01:39.028
[SPEAKER_00]: through so much together.
01:39.289 --> 01:47.331
[SPEAKER_00]: And they have a lot of friends who've had similar like survival stories, you could call it many of them had to live apart.
01:47.791 --> 01:52.692
[SPEAKER_00]: If you are a part of any immigrant community, you're probably familiar with the story.
01:52.872 --> 02:01.594
[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of people actually live apart when they move to a new country to make ends meet because one person could have gone a job in a different state,
02:05.135 --> 02:12.522
[SPEAKER_00]: to take care of the kids and the other one came to pave the way and so many of my parents friends did that.
02:12.683 --> 02:18.128
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, many of them lived apart for years, like five, six, seven years.
02:18.428 --> 02:23.333
[SPEAKER_00]: And some of them didn't even see their kid till their kid was grown, like seven or eight.
02:23.614 --> 02:28.719
[SPEAKER_00]: Can you imagine having having really never met your kid till they were
02:29.339 --> 02:45.374
[SPEAKER_00]: a grown-ass kid, but with my parents, I think it also was a cause for a lot of turmoil and friction and they fought a lot and they've survived and they've now, we aren't in their retirement
02:49.465 --> 02:53.046
[SPEAKER_00]: I think there was a period that it could have gone in a different way.
02:53.426 --> 02:56.447
[SPEAKER_00]: And with their friends, I'll be at a small sample size.
02:56.567 --> 03:00.768
[SPEAKER_00]: I would say 50% of the relationships actually survived.
03:00.848 --> 03:03.189
[SPEAKER_00]: Many of them have moved on.
03:03.409 --> 03:06.689
[SPEAKER_00]: They've divorced or they live apart permanently.
03:06.829 --> 03:08.610
[SPEAKER_00]: Like they have one friend.
03:09.330 --> 03:12.252
[SPEAKER_00]: um, who lives permanently apart from her husband.
03:12.272 --> 03:17.976
[SPEAKER_00]: They're still married, but they're basically not together because they were so used to just living apart.
03:18.336 --> 03:27.543
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I wonder about just dating at this stage in my life and as we get older, it's like, how do you bring that closeness
03:31.325 --> 03:39.210
[SPEAKER_00]: and until something happens where the two of you have to present as a cohesive team.
03:39.691 --> 03:52.720
[SPEAKER_00]: And I do wonder if most relationships I would say most, but if given not given enough time, I think every relationship will go through some sort of survival phase.
03:53.740 --> 04:02.145
[SPEAKER_00]: But if we're just in relationships for like two years, three years, and maybe those opportunities don't present themselves.
04:02.285 --> 04:04.887
[SPEAKER_00]: And maybe that's a, I mean, in some ways is a good thing.
04:05.127 --> 04:14.933
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to go through the really hard things together, but on the other hand is can your relationship reach the level of deepness as
04:15.733 --> 04:18.014
[SPEAKER_00]: it could as it's potential.
04:18.334 --> 04:19.154
[SPEAKER_00]: That's my question.
04:19.614 --> 04:32.597
[SPEAKER_00]: And I do think back in the day when lives were harder, the conditions were rougher, that relationships were deeper in a more, you know, like we are on a
04:34.818 --> 04:44.362
[SPEAKER_00]: And we use this word partner a lot, and I understand it as a way to describe someone who's in your life.
04:44.763 --> 04:59.569
[SPEAKER_00]: But in another way, I don't fully understand what it entails in a partnership, your partner, in a partnership, until you have to come together as partners, as a partnership.
05:03.331 --> 05:20.522
[SPEAKER_00]: talking about this obviously because I've been noodling on, I've been noodling on this for a while, but it's like, you know, with dating, if you are presented with hardship, let's say, in your first year of dating, do you really know each other well enough?
05:20.962 --> 05:28.291
[SPEAKER_00]: to commit and make that investment in this relationship to want to get through this home together.
05:28.911 --> 05:38.483
[SPEAKER_00]: Or in that first year, do you have also the autonomy to say, I can get out, like I don't need to be part of this.
05:38.943 --> 05:56.987
[SPEAKER_00]: One example is this is a little bit far removed, but it's my friend's friend who started dating someone and they both have previous marriages and they have kids from other people, but they started dating and within the first year he became very ill.
05:57.388 --> 06:02.269
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not terminal, but he needs pretty much daily support and care.
06:02.289 --> 06:05.970
[SPEAKER_00]: And his girlfriend, I mean like they found this out, I think in
06:07.890 --> 06:08.930
[SPEAKER_00]: nine or ten.
06:09.371 --> 06:13.572
[SPEAKER_00]: And his girlfriend said, I'm I'm going to leave.
06:14.052 --> 06:19.534
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to leave this relationship because I don't want this sort of responsibility.
06:19.874 --> 06:29.637
[SPEAKER_00]: His family was very pissed thinking she was acting out of selfishness, but I also think it shouldn't she be at liberty to say, well like I really
06:32.818 --> 06:35.444
[SPEAKER_00]: for me to take this on at this moment.
06:35.645 --> 06:43.001
[SPEAKER_00]: I think if they had been together five, ten years, then yeah, I think you can have these conversations and
06:43.370 --> 06:46.272
[SPEAKER_00]: You want to conquer this thing together.
06:46.692 --> 06:49.494
[SPEAKER_00]: Same thing with like people who lose their jobs, right?
06:49.634 --> 06:53.757
[SPEAKER_00]: If you date, start dating someone in the first year, they lose their job.
06:53.978 --> 07:02.844
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you feel connected tied enough to this person that you're willing to go through this rough patch with them?
07:03.324 --> 07:06.045
[SPEAKER_00]: Or can you be a liberty to say, I don't want this?
07:06.545 --> 07:08.706
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's actually a good time for me to get out.
07:09.006 --> 07:10.967
[SPEAKER_00]: And is that a selfish thing to do?
07:10.987 --> 07:22.972
[SPEAKER_00]: And I also think about the growing up with someone in a relationship is very different than to very established people coming together to have a relationship.
07:23.212 --> 07:29.695
[SPEAKER_00]: If you've been with someone since your 20s, grown up together, like my parents are like that, they've become
07:30.175 --> 07:34.979
[SPEAKER_00]: They've matured together, and they've gone through different phases of life together.
07:35.219 --> 07:43.725
[SPEAKER_00]: But when you've our two whole people coming together, which is, you know, we always say it's the best case scenarios that you're not completing each other.
07:43.986 --> 07:53.513
[SPEAKER_00]: But at the same time, can you ever reach that closeness of two people who grew up together and go with, through shit together?
07:53.893 --> 07:55.154
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's my question to you.
07:55.174 --> 08:01.456
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm curious to hear your experiences and your examples.
08:01.976 --> 08:19.403
[SPEAKER_00]: I certainly am not, um, I don't have enough sample size to say one way or another, because again, given my parents' friends situations, half of them have gotten way closer because of their immigrant story and half of them have completely fallen apart.
08:19.744 --> 08:22.205
[SPEAKER_00]: So you can't say like, you must go
08:23.705 --> 08:26.687
[SPEAKER_00]: in order to have a successful relationship.
08:27.007 --> 08:35.933
[SPEAKER_00]: But my bigger question is, can you ever be as connected, deeply connected as your potential could be?
08:36.353 --> 08:45.118
[SPEAKER_00]: And are you lucky if you're in a relationship that for the entirety of the relationship, the two of you never have to go through hardship together?
08:45.458 --> 08:51.082
[SPEAKER_00]: Is that a lucky thing that brings you a very, what's the word I'm looking for?
08:53.323 --> 09:00.547
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, the word lucky comes to mind to me, but also whimsical, like such an ideal relationship.
09:00.847 --> 09:14.593
[SPEAKER_00]: But is that dynamic between the two people, has it peaked, you know, like are you unable to uncover this next layer of connectedness?
09:14.613 --> 09:15.894
[SPEAKER_00]: I really don't know.
09:16.634 --> 09:19.235
[SPEAKER_00]: Also, I hope that people don't, you know,
09:20.616 --> 09:23.618
[SPEAKER_00]: unnecessary hardship to test their relationships.
09:23.678 --> 09:27.700
[SPEAKER_00]: I know some people do, but yeah anything could happen in life.
09:28.201 --> 09:39.688
[SPEAKER_00]: It could also be with someone who you just are dating who brings in the sort of hardship early on in a relationship like an illness or a job loss.
09:40.208 --> 09:41.049
[SPEAKER_00]: or even a move.
09:41.569 --> 09:43.651
[SPEAKER_00]: So let us know in the comments.
09:44.012 --> 09:47.495
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to know what you think about all of this is a bigger question.
09:48.075 --> 09:59.065
[SPEAKER_00]: And do you think that there is another way that brings two people to a deeper level of connection without the presence of hardship?
09:59.566 --> 09:59.766
[SPEAKER_00]: All right.
10:00.226 --> 10:00.607
[SPEAKER_00]: That's it.
10:00.947 --> 10:01.688
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll see you all soon.
00:00.098 --> 00:16.103
[SPEAKER_00]: Hello friends, you a here for a quickie and something that's been on my mind lately is this question of is the depth of your relationship together directly correlated to the amount of shit you go through together.
00:16.543 --> 00:34.862
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm asking this question because I talk about my parents' relationship a lot and I've been looking at their friends' marriages as well and all of them have that immigrant story picked up their lives, moved to the US, came with two dollars in their bank account and didn't know anybody here.
00:35.322 --> 00:38.846
[SPEAKER_00]: So two people had to really come together as a team.
00:39.446 --> 00:57.397
[SPEAKER_00]: Survive in this new environment this new world together and something that I find very admirable from my parents Is that both of them set their ego aside because they both came from academia in China came to the states and and in order to survive my mom
00:57.997 --> 01:07.480
[SPEAKER_00]: worked in assembly line, she worked as a housekeeper, she was a babysitter, she just did whatever she could to make ends meet and my dad did the same.
01:08.440 --> 01:15.382
[SPEAKER_00]: At the sacrifice of their relationship, I mean there were nights that like I wouldn't see my parents till I was ready to go to bed.
01:15.542 --> 01:21.044
[SPEAKER_00]: But because of this survival phase of their relationship,
01:21.364 --> 01:24.990
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it is what's made them so close.
01:25.010 --> 01:30.598
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel that my parents are more like relatives than anything else.
01:30.618 --> 01:32.321
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, my mom says this all the time.
01:32.441 --> 01:34.304
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, my dad is her family.
01:34.384 --> 01:36.988
[SPEAKER_00]: They are family because they win.
01:37.088 --> 01:39.028
[SPEAKER_00]: through so much together.
01:39.289 --> 01:47.331
[SPEAKER_00]: And they have a lot of friends who've had similar like survival stories, you could call it many of them had to live apart.
01:47.791 --> 01:52.692
[SPEAKER_00]: If you are a part of any immigrant community, you're probably familiar with the story.
01:52.872 --> 02:01.594
[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of people actually live apart when they move to a new country to make ends meet because one person could have gone a job in a different state,
02:05.135 --> 02:12.522
[SPEAKER_00]: to take care of the kids and the other one came to pave the way and so many of my parents friends did that.
02:12.683 --> 02:18.128
[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, many of them lived apart for years, like five, six, seven years.
02:18.428 --> 02:23.333
[SPEAKER_00]: And some of them didn't even see their kid till their kid was grown, like seven or eight.
02:23.614 --> 02:28.719
[SPEAKER_00]: Can you imagine having having really never met your kid till they were
02:29.339 --> 02:45.374
[SPEAKER_00]: a grown-ass kid, but with my parents, I think it also was a cause for a lot of turmoil and friction and they fought a lot and they've survived and they've now, we aren't in their retirement
02:49.465 --> 02:53.046
[SPEAKER_00]: I think there was a period that it could have gone in a different way.
02:53.426 --> 02:56.447
[SPEAKER_00]: And with their friends, I'll be at a small sample size.
02:56.567 --> 03:00.768
[SPEAKER_00]: I would say 50% of the relationships actually survived.
03:00.848 --> 03:03.189
[SPEAKER_00]: Many of them have moved on.
03:03.409 --> 03:06.689
[SPEAKER_00]: They've divorced or they live apart permanently.
03:06.829 --> 03:08.610
[SPEAKER_00]: Like they have one friend.
03:09.330 --> 03:12.252
[SPEAKER_00]: um, who lives permanently apart from her husband.
03:12.272 --> 03:17.976
[SPEAKER_00]: They're still married, but they're basically not together because they were so used to just living apart.
03:18.336 --> 03:27.543
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I wonder about just dating at this stage in my life and as we get older, it's like, how do you bring that closeness
03:31.325 --> 03:39.210
[SPEAKER_00]: and until something happens where the two of you have to present as a cohesive team.
03:39.691 --> 03:52.720
[SPEAKER_00]: And I do wonder if most relationships I would say most, but if given not given enough time, I think every relationship will go through some sort of survival phase.
03:53.740 --> 04:02.145
[SPEAKER_00]: But if we're just in relationships for like two years, three years, and maybe those opportunities don't present themselves.
04:02.285 --> 04:04.887
[SPEAKER_00]: And maybe that's a, I mean, in some ways is a good thing.
04:05.127 --> 04:14.933
[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to go through the really hard things together, but on the other hand is can your relationship reach the level of deepness as
04:15.733 --> 04:18.014
[SPEAKER_00]: it could as it's potential.
04:18.334 --> 04:19.154
[SPEAKER_00]: That's my question.
04:19.614 --> 04:32.597
[SPEAKER_00]: And I do think back in the day when lives were harder, the conditions were rougher, that relationships were deeper in a more, you know, like we are on a
04:34.818 --> 04:44.362
[SPEAKER_00]: And we use this word partner a lot, and I understand it as a way to describe someone who's in your life.
04:44.763 --> 04:59.569
[SPEAKER_00]: But in another way, I don't fully understand what it entails in a partnership, your partner, in a partnership, until you have to come together as partners, as a partnership.
05:03.331 --> 05:20.522
[SPEAKER_00]: talking about this obviously because I've been noodling on, I've been noodling on this for a while, but it's like, you know, with dating, if you are presented with hardship, let's say, in your first year of dating, do you really know each other well enough?
05:20.962 --> 05:28.291
[SPEAKER_00]: to commit and make that investment in this relationship to want to get through this home together.
05:28.911 --> 05:38.483
[SPEAKER_00]: Or in that first year, do you have also the autonomy to say, I can get out, like I don't need to be part of this.
05:38.943 --> 05:56.987
[SPEAKER_00]: One example is this is a little bit far removed, but it's my friend's friend who started dating someone and they both have previous marriages and they have kids from other people, but they started dating and within the first year he became very ill.
05:57.388 --> 06:02.269
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not terminal, but he needs pretty much daily support and care.
06:02.289 --> 06:05.970
[SPEAKER_00]: And his girlfriend, I mean like they found this out, I think in
06:07.890 --> 06:08.930
[SPEAKER_00]: nine or ten.
06:09.371 --> 06:13.572
[SPEAKER_00]: And his girlfriend said, I'm I'm going to leave.
06:14.052 --> 06:19.534
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to leave this relationship because I don't want this sort of responsibility.
06:19.874 --> 06:29.637
[SPEAKER_00]: His family was very pissed thinking she was acting out of selfishness, but I also think it shouldn't she be at liberty to say, well like I really
06:32.818 --> 06:35.444
[SPEAKER_00]: for me to take this on at this moment.
06:35.645 --> 06:43.001
[SPEAKER_00]: I think if they had been together five, ten years, then yeah, I think you can have these conversations and
06:43.370 --> 06:46.272
[SPEAKER_00]: You want to conquer this thing together.
06:46.692 --> 06:49.494
[SPEAKER_00]: Same thing with like people who lose their jobs, right?
06:49.634 --> 06:53.757
[SPEAKER_00]: If you date, start dating someone in the first year, they lose their job.
06:53.978 --> 07:02.844
[SPEAKER_00]: Do you feel connected tied enough to this person that you're willing to go through this rough patch with them?
07:03.324 --> 07:06.045
[SPEAKER_00]: Or can you be a liberty to say, I don't want this?
07:06.545 --> 07:08.706
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's actually a good time for me to get out.
07:09.006 --> 07:10.967
[SPEAKER_00]: And is that a selfish thing to do?
07:10.987 --> 07:22.972
[SPEAKER_00]: And I also think about the growing up with someone in a relationship is very different than to very established people coming together to have a relationship.
07:23.212 --> 07:29.695
[SPEAKER_00]: If you've been with someone since your 20s, grown up together, like my parents are like that, they've become
07:30.175 --> 07:34.979
[SPEAKER_00]: They've matured together, and they've gone through different phases of life together.
07:35.219 --> 07:43.725
[SPEAKER_00]: But when you've our two whole people coming together, which is, you know, we always say it's the best case scenarios that you're not completing each other.
07:43.986 --> 07:53.513
[SPEAKER_00]: But at the same time, can you ever reach that closeness of two people who grew up together and go with, through shit together?
07:53.893 --> 07:55.154
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's my question to you.
07:55.174 --> 08:01.456
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm curious to hear your experiences and your examples.
08:01.976 --> 08:19.403
[SPEAKER_00]: I certainly am not, um, I don't have enough sample size to say one way or another, because again, given my parents' friends situations, half of them have gotten way closer because of their immigrant story and half of them have completely fallen apart.
08:19.744 --> 08:22.205
[SPEAKER_00]: So you can't say like, you must go
08:23.705 --> 08:26.687
[SPEAKER_00]: in order to have a successful relationship.
08:27.007 --> 08:35.933
[SPEAKER_00]: But my bigger question is, can you ever be as connected, deeply connected as your potential could be?
08:36.353 --> 08:45.118
[SPEAKER_00]: And are you lucky if you're in a relationship that for the entirety of the relationship, the two of you never have to go through hardship together?
08:45.458 --> 08:51.082
[SPEAKER_00]: Is that a lucky thing that brings you a very, what's the word I'm looking for?
08:53.323 --> 09:00.547
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, the word lucky comes to mind to me, but also whimsical, like such an ideal relationship.
09:00.847 --> 09:14.593
[SPEAKER_00]: But is that dynamic between the two people, has it peaked, you know, like are you unable to uncover this next layer of connectedness?
09:14.613 --> 09:15.894
[SPEAKER_00]: I really don't know.
09:16.634 --> 09:19.235
[SPEAKER_00]: Also, I hope that people don't, you know,
09:20.616 --> 09:23.618
[SPEAKER_00]: unnecessary hardship to test their relationships.
09:23.678 --> 09:27.700
[SPEAKER_00]: I know some people do, but yeah anything could happen in life.
09:28.201 --> 09:39.688
[SPEAKER_00]: It could also be with someone who you just are dating who brings in the sort of hardship early on in a relationship like an illness or a job loss.
09:40.208 --> 09:41.049
[SPEAKER_00]: or even a move.
09:41.569 --> 09:43.651
[SPEAKER_00]: So let us know in the comments.
09:44.012 --> 09:47.495
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to know what you think about all of this is a bigger question.
09:48.075 --> 09:59.065
[SPEAKER_00]: And do you think that there is another way that brings two people to a deeper level of connection without the presence of hardship?
09:59.566 --> 09:59.766
[SPEAKER_00]: All right.
10:00.226 --> 10:00.607
[SPEAKER_00]: That's it.
10:00.947 --> 10:01.688
[SPEAKER_00]: I'll see you all soon.
