Fall in the Right Direction

Courtney: Welcome to this episode of Crying in chili's Takes a big sip of wine. Everyone, I am so excited. I launched a Google guest interest form several weeks ago. Thinking that no one would fill it out. And the very first person that I receive a submission from is no other than my dear friend Emma Yates. Although I believe you have a new name. you kept
Emma: I kept my last name. I did.
Courtney: it. Okay, good. I was thinking about that and I was like, wait, did she keep her name or did she I know she's married?
Emma: Yeah. Yeah, I did keep my last name. I had to hold on to that.
Courtney: Yep, I I kind of feel the same way. I'm like, if a day ever comes that I get married, I feel like I've accomplished so much already in my life as Courtney Hill. How could I be something else? Yeah.
Emma: Yep. Yep. No, exactly. And well we did give my baby his last name, so he's got that and he can just hold on to that forever. But I got to name her, so it's fine.
Courtney: There. Well, you know what? I think that's a good give and take for a relationship. You gotta pick your battles.
Emma: Yeah. It's an equal yeah, it's an equal balance there. Yeah, we traded.
Courtney: Yeah, absolutely. I I support that decision. Well, everyone,
Emma: Perfect.
Courtney: I have my longtime friend, Emma, here. And this is gonna be a really fun reconnection episode, if you will. And Emma was one of the first people to fill out my guest interest form. And I was so excited when I saw your name pop up and I was like, wait, is that is that my Emma? Sure
Emma: Sure is. Sure is.
Courtney: is. I was so excited. I was like, I know that she's gotten married. I think I've seen a a new baby enter the picture recently. And I was like, but what the hell has Emma been doing the past few years? Cause life is crazy. And we went off to college and became adults. And now I'm relatively unemployed and doing a podcast and working at a champagne bar. And I'm like, what is Emma up to?
Emma: Also flailing, just in a different direction.
Courtney: We're we're all just fumbling around looking for food and money. That's all it is.
Emma: We just hope to fall up rather than down. That's it. Just fall in the right direction and then we'll figure it out. Yeah. You're gonna should. Mm-hmm.
Courtney: Yeah. Fall in the right direction. It's okay if you stumble. You know, it happens. I stumble often. my gosh. Well, Emma, in your guest submission form, I I have a question on there of how do we know each other? How do we connect? And I have, you know, a few different options of you were recommended by a friend, we don't know each other at all. We met at RBF, the champagne bar, 'cause I keep shamelessly promoting myself to my guest when they ask me what I do.
Emma: okay.
Courtney: And you wrote in that we know each other from Weddington High School, but we actually go back a little before that.
Emma: yeah. Yeah we do. I realized that once I put that in, it like that's when we like truly formed our friendship, I think, was in high school. But Yeah.
Courtney: Yes. We had three years of middle school though as the tall girls in the back row of chorus that were altos.
Emma: Yeah, we did. We were really holding that down for like a couple of years.
Courtney: B basically sixth, seventh, and eighth grade.
Emma: Yeah. Yeah. I mean there were what, like three of us and they just put us all in the back
Courtney: I think you're right, actually. It was me, you, and was was it Caitlin Burrell? Was she? I think it was Caitlin Burrell.
Emma: I think it was Caitlyn Burrell. Yeah. Well I know she was an alto. She was shorter than us, but we were always in the same line in
Courtney: We were.
Emma: for all three years. And then there were a couple tall sopranos and we just always got put in the seats in the back because they wanted us to be in the same order for performances and stuff. But then it was all just like we're just fucking around in the back for like three years singing like Ave
Courtney: Three years.
Emma: Maria and like whatever like there was like an African Christmas song we had to sing like three
Courtney: Yes.
Emma: years in a row or something. Yeah, I remember like lots of clapping and different like things I can never call along.
Courtney: yes. I think there was a fruitcake song. does this
Emma: Mm.
Courtney: ring a bell for you? Because my mom even brought it up that she remembered cause Landon,
Emma: Just
Courtney: I know Landon was also in chorus because he was a tall man and you know how hard it was to get
Emma: Yeah, right.
Courtney: boys to be in chorus and we needed the wait, we
Emma: Yeah, like five of them. Yeah.
Courtney: had like two, I think, maybe three. By eighth grade, I think we got we recruited a third.
Emma: I think so, 'cause then in high school it was like five or six and
Courtney: Yeah, and I I stopped doing chorus in high school, which I kinda regret when I think back on it. I wish
Emma: Yeah.
Courtney: I had done it.
Emma: I didn't do chorus. I did the shows, but I didn't do like the formal chorus. But I did do the musicals and stuff, but I didn't I didn't sing I didn't sing the way that I used to when we were high school. I was all in them. I loved it. It was great. thank you. It was a blast.
Courtney: You were all up in those musicals. All up in them. And you did so good. What was your favorite one?
Emma: I mean doing Lay Miz was crazy fun just because do you remember Brandon Fillette? I don't know if we can say I'm sorry.
Courtney: Mm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a year older than us, right?
Emma: Yes. And so he ended up actually I think he's so he lives in New York. I think he was playing piano on Broadway or something. He did something crazy
Courtney: Wow.
Emma: successful. He was wildly talented. So we did
Courtney: For him.
Emma: The year that he could be Jean Valjean and we had just like a crazy talented cast. And I was an extra, which was so fun because I played a nun, and then the next scene I was a whore, and then the next scene
Courtney: Mm-hmm.
Emma: I was in a threesome, and then I was a revolutionary. And it was like I would get to play all these fun things in this crazy show, and we're all crying watching Brandon sing, and it's like this is the last
Courtney: I I'm thinking of your mother and And all the time sh such a wonderful woman. But I could just see her probably not being thrilled about you being a whore and in a threes.
Emma: I remember being like, Well, even worse, Gima, her mom who flew in for every show, Catholic Brooklyn G Ma was like, She's a what? She's a whore? She's the hoo-er. And she's like, Well, at least she does it well. Yeah. This is the South, okay?
Courtney: What? In the school play? This is public school, Gmaw. Things are a little bit loosey-goosey.
Emma: Uhhuh. We pretend like they're not, but they are.
Courtney: That's well, you know what? wait, were you and Annie when we did one musical in middle school?
Emma: Yep. I was Miss Hannigan. Miss Han
Courtney: You were yes.
Emma: no, no, no, I wanted to be Miss Hannigan. So I was the Lily Saint Regis or whatever, the blonde villian That's what it was, yeah.
Courtney: Yes. Yes. I remember that. That's right.
Emma: Yeah.
Courtney: my gosh. That was so fun. I remember that was the first musical I think they ever did for the middle school. And I was orphan number three.
Emma: Do you remember the vice principal? Yeah. Do you remember the vice principal was the main guy? And he was playing like dating like a seventh grader, like Mr. Zorn, I think. Yeah. Super tall.
Courtney: Yes! Holy crap! I forgot that the grown man who was our vice principal played Daddy Warbucks.
Emma: Getting five bucks. Yep.
Courtney: Okay, looking back on that, that was maybe a weird choice, but maybe not. I don't I don't know.
Emma: Us. Yeah.
Courtney: It was 2007. Things were different then.
Emma: There was two.
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: We've so that means we've known each other or had a connection almost twenty years. Yeah. I was listening
Courtney: Whoa. I did I didn't even think about the timeline of that. That's crazy.
Emma: I was listening to you and Vickie and I was just the the whole time just like this is so fun. This is so fun to listen to two people that I've known for a very long time in different ways, but just like this is crazy.
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: Like the childhood best friends and then we've still I did the math then it was like it's still been like twenty years since we all met.
Courtney: Yeah. It's insane. And honestly, people can hate on social media as much as they want, but I truly love that I've been able to keep up with the people that, you know, I want to. And
Emma: Yeah.
Courtney: I mean, we've known each other almost 20 years and I feel like I've still been able to follow your your life journey. And we've reached out to each other over the years and been like, yo, I see you're going through this, you're doing that, like cheering you on. And I think that's a beautiful thing. I love I love being able to support, even if it's like just Every now and then you pop up a little little glimmer of excitement.
Emma: Yeah. Yeah, no, I feel the same way. That's really nice, I think, to be able to like again, the people you want to follow their
Courtney: Yes.
Emma: life, you can and then you get stuck with some of the people you don't want to to but you can clean it. Clean it up.
Courtney: No, not me. I am an unfollower.
Emma: Clean I think I am too masochistic. Like I want to still see it. Like I don't want to interact with it. But I kinda wanna like I kinda wanna know. And
Courtney: the second someone has wronged me. It is a it is a remove follower, remove them as a follower of myself. I don't follow them. I'm like, I wanna be out of sight, out of mind. My friends know to not tell me anything unless I explicitly ask.
Emma: That's good point. That's a good way to live. That's fair.
Courtney: Yeah, that and I just think it's a privilege to have access to me, which, you know, maybe
Emma: yeah.
Courtney: that's maybe I'm thinking too highly of myself or maybe I'm thinking correctly.
Emma: No, you're thinking correctly. I'm like, I don't know, maybe I can get something from this and then it's usually just pain and suffering. Typically
Courtney: It's
Emma: it's not it's not good.
Courtney: And then it's just pain and suffering.
Emma: Like I said, I'm happily married and have been with my partner for a long time now and I still every once in a while I'll like, Should I look at my ex's Instagram? And I'll tell him that. Like I'll tell Jesse is my husband. I'll like, Should I look at his? And he's like, Why the fuck would you d why
Courtney: I
Emma: would you do that? He's not at all like insecure about it, but he's just like, Why w I mean, if you want to, I guess, but like why would you do that to yourself? Like, I don't know.
Courtney: Yeah. But why?
Emma: I think that's why I'm asking if I should. I don't know. Like
Courtney: I think as humans, especially as as women, it is a thought that will always creep in our head because it's like, I know I'm doing well and I want to see if they're doing well without me.
Emma: Literally the other day I was like, I kinda wanna see if they have a baby yet. He's like, Why?
Courtney: Right.
Emma: It's like 'cause we had a baby and I wanna be ahead of them. Like, No.
Courtney: Yes, it's it's a competitive thing, truly. The times that I have, which is very rare, I've thought about looking at an ex's Instagram profile. And then I'm just like, really, all I care about is the one ex that got to keep the dog. And I'm not I really just want to check up on the dog. That's it.
Emma: Uhhuh, yeah. I remember that. Sure, totally. Yep.
Courtney: And I'll be honest with you, that is the only ex I have ever thought about checking up on. And it was just for the dog.
Emma: So funny. I think yeah, I really have like one that I want to tell you. It's the one that wronged me the most, for sure.
Courtney: yeah.
Emma: But then there was a dog involved in that one too. He didn't take the dog, but he did adopt a dog when we were together and then leveraged it with me. So it's like now I follow for that dog. But I haven't I haven't been looking, but doing the right thing. But you're right.
Courtney: Yep. You're doing good.
Emma: Social media does allow us to like stay I mean, I moved far away and stayed far away.
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: And so social media has allowed me to connect with whoever I wanted and just, you know, even to see where people are going, whether there's interaction or not, it's nice for us to be able to
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: actually like engage. But just being able to watch people move through life is
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: really nice.
Courtney: Absolutely. I'm never the person that's out here just like seeing something bad happen to someone else if I see it on Facebook, Instagram, and I'm like, they deserve that. I truly am wanting to follow people to be like, You're killing it. I'm so proud of you. that that is my main goal in life is if I'm on social media scrolling, I want to see you doing well. And if you're not doing well, I want to be like, yo, this sucks. But it's gonna get better. It's gonna be okay. Thank you for being vulnerable because we all go through shit.
Emma: That's who you've always been though. Like you've always been a cheerleader. Like you very much like you're such like a gun ho or no, truly, like since we were tiny and in Annie. Like very much
Courtney: Did Annie in seventh grade?
Emma: Yes, like very much that that is truly regarded. So it's really cool to see that that's kind of what you've pushed into your platform too. And like you talk about your layoffs and working on other jobs. You're like, there is no fucking getting in your way. So I'm sure that you're gonna find whatever you need to find. And it is
Courtney: If there is
Emma: Really cool to be on the on the receiving side of that too. Like just to every once in a while hear from you
Courtney: thank you.
Emma: and be like, You're killing it like I believe her. She means it and I believe it. And I know that if she's
Courtney: She is unfortunately very honest.
Emma: reaching out, it is a good thing. Or I'm not well. Like it's one or the other.
Courtney: It is a good thing, like something is going on, but either way, Courtney is going to support me through it or she's gonna be like, Hey, we need to like reevaluate
Emma: And truly, like I mean, I can feel that through years of distance of like not connecting truly in person and like miles of being away and like that's why it felt safe to like I'm postpartum and sitting on the couch and she wants people on the podcast. I like to talk and I think she's cool. Here I go. And it's a safe place to do that because I know you weren't gonna
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: be like, tell me all the things you've fucked up in the past twenty years or
Courtney: No.
Emma: whatever it's been. It's like a nice spot to chat and I've listened to all your episodes and you're just such like a encouraging, like safe. Space is like I want it. Let's do it. Let's make that That's why I'm here drinking my wine glass of wine a day than I get to have. Like
Courtney: God, Emma, I love you. Woo-hoo! We love it. my gosh. Well, this is amazing. I'm already just th over the moon about this episode. I even was on the phone with my mom earlier and she's like, Don't you have another recording today? And I was like, mom, it's with Emma Yates. And she goes, What? She goes, What's
Emma: Ginger. my god. A ghost. It's a ghost.
Courtney: Emma up to? And I was like, I don't know. I'll call ya later at like seven thirty. Give me a recap. I
Emma: We're gonna tell Ginger and Jerry I said hi. Ginger.
Courtney: will, I will. They have also been very big fans of the podcast. Jerr Bear, bless his heart. He's always like, why does she talk about me so much on there?
Emma: Yeah.
Courtney: I d I don't know. I don't need to be on the internet. He's our main character.
Emma: our main character. Every time you mention him, just like picture his face as we're like sitting on a couch and he's watching a football game, like trying to engage. But he's also like, I gotta I gotta do both. Like I gotta do And it was like honestly, Jerry, I get it. I totally get it. I'm on board. Yeah.
Courtney: Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. You know what? We gotta give him props. Like he definitely wanted to be involved in his his man hobbies of watching football or smoking a cigar or drinking his red wine or bourbon. But then he's like, the the girls are here. Like I wanna try and be engaged at the same time and be like an
Emma: It's so
Courtney: an active parent. And you could see the
Emma: No, it's so cute he I cute sounds condescending, but it was always very sweet. Like I have very specific memories of like coming into your house
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: for a myriad of reasons and he was always very engaging and very like,
Courtney: Mm-hmm.
Emma: how's how's school? How's your life? How's your family? Like really made a point. I mean your mom too, but also just like soft, kind Jerry. They were always very welcoming.
Courtney: Yeah. Well, Ginger is like such a girl's girl. It's just like, what's going on? Like, let's party.
Emma: totally. Yes.
Courtney: Like, how are we doing? And then Jerry's like that, that soft, you know, soft hearted, like soft spoken in terms of just like, how's it going? And he knows he's like the important things you ask about, like when he talks to his brother, which in my mind is like twice a year. And I know it's a little bit more than that, but right, men and their brothers, it's just like
Emma: My dad is the same. Yeah. Yep.
Courtney: they cannot communicate. But he's on the phone, he's like, How's the wife? How's the house? How's the camper? Cause they both have pop-up campers. And how's the job? And it's like, okay,
Emma: of course. Yeah.
Courtney: talk to you in four months.
Emma: Well we we did what we needed to do, so we'll touch back in a couple of months. My dad, my
Courtney: Yep.
Emma: parents are up at our lake house up here. So I live in Maine and we have a lake family lake house in New Hampshire. That's only like forty minutes from us, and they're up here now.
Courtney: Awesome.
Emma: And just today my dad dropped off his childhood best friend that they met at three years old in Louisiana, where they grew up. So they've been friends for sixty four years, something like that.
Courtney: my god.
Emma: Yeah, so he I've grown up with him. He and his wife came up for a week to visit. They got to meet the baby. We got to hang out. They were up here for our wedding last year. It was really nice. But literally just watching them interact too or tell stories. They were like, I never told you this. But like, you guys have been friends for your whole life. These are massive life things that you're talking about that you just like forgot to mention. You clearly talk enough to like go on vacation together. Like, what do you mean? What do you mean you didn't know that like you worked in construction for fifteen years at like a chunk in the middle? Like what are you talking about? Like this how do
Courtney: Men
Emma: you do this? And they're totally happy. It was like I don't if I don't tell my friend that like I like ate a sandwich for lunch, I feel like I'm missing something. Like something didn't happen today. Yeah. I don't know.
Courtney: Yeah. Yeah. I get it. I get it. I I'm such a voice note kind of gal and Vickie is just God bless her. She's just like, Courtney, sometimes you send me these voice notes and I just don't listen to them. And I like, you know what? That's fair. I was like, they
Emma: It's just like an audio journal for you. Like it's like
Courtney: get long.
Emma: I just need to put it somewhere. That's what I do.
Courtney: I was like, I'm just putting it somewhere, and if you if you don't have the capacity, I respect that. It's okay.
Emma: Yes, yes, yes.
Courtney: I I I get it. Yeah. No, we love we love Ginger and Jerry. I'm really glad to hear that your parents are up there with you and
Emma: Yeah, that's right.
Courtney: that y'all are all close by. That's great.
Emma: Yeah, yeah, they come up I mean they're mostly retired now. They're still down in Charlotte, but they so they're down there full time, but they've been coming up I mean since the baby has been around or even when I was pregnant they've come up with baby shower. Like they've been up a lot, which is really nice. So
Courtney: Yeah. So
Emma: they get to kind of just run up whenever they want to, which is really, really lovely
Courtney: That's good. something tells me they'll end up near y'all if that's where you you guys stay.
Emma: I know, well, we're not going anywhere. We will only go farther north, but I will be here forever. But my mom would love to be here. My dad with his Louisiana blood can't do below sixty degrees. I think he would fight it to death.
Courtney: Same.
Emma: Yeah. I don't think he could do it.
Courtney: That that would be hard for me. That would be tough. I bet it does. Well,
Emma: It's real cold. It's real cold. Yeah.
Courtney: okay, we're gonna come back to why you're in Maine and what you're doing in Maine. I feel like
Emma: Sure.
Courtney: I feel like before we get too far away from our Weddington middle school and high school days, also funny note, I went to work a special event last week, I think it was at the champagne bar. Speaking of Weddington Middle School.
Emma: Okay.
Courtney: And I didn't realize until I got there that the outfit that I put on was almost exactly something we would have worn as a Weddington middle school uniform. I had on these like like you know how the kids wear the the baggy pants now. Which I'm I hate it so much because I'm like a I'm a mid size queen. I got
Emma: Right.
Courtney: some some big hips and a big butt and I feel like the baggy pants just don't work on me. Like I want a skinny jean. Yep. I had bought these khaki pants that were like a looser, baggier fit, and they were embroidered with little daisies on but like just very tiny. So that would not have been dress code appropriate in middle school. But it was the khaki pants and I had a navy, like fitted t-shirt on, and I had it tucked in with a belt. Yes.
Emma: my
Courtney: And I I looked at myself in the mirror and I went, I could be in middle school wearing my middle school uniform right now.
Emma: You put on a green and gold track sweatshirt with your name on the side too? 'Cause like that would just really round it out. With like your Birkenstocks on, like the the the clog one.
Courtney: You know, it was a a ninety-two degree July day, but had it been cooler, I would've I would have found myself a a Hunter Green track sweatshirt, hoodie sweatshirt to wear and then tie around my waist when I needed to. Still out.
Emma: Yes. With your name still out. You needed to make sure that either your name or your boyfriend's name was out on the arm. man, what a brutal case that was.
Courtney: Yes. Yes. And it was a big deal when you wore someone else's sweatshirt. Massive deal. All the Birkenstocks what a time. Right?
Emma: Massive. Massive. Everyone's talking about it. God. I'm like I'm getting chills thinking about middle school. It's like, god, it's bad. The only school
Courtney: Right. So
Emma: of our public schools that had uniforms. Because we have uniforms.
Courtney: Yes, everyone. We went to public school
Emma: Mm-hmm.
Courtney: and we had uniforms. It was insane. And we were so angry about it as angsty preteens.
Emma: In the elementary school and the high school were also public and connected, didn't have uniforms. It was just us delinquents. So that was it. That's that's yeah.
Courtney: Nope. Only the middle school. Just the sixth, seventh, and eighth grade. Yeah, just us, which was felt unfair. But you know what? We got through the what we thought at the time was the trauma of the uniforms and went to middle school and kept going on about our stuff. And, you know, middle school, everyone's kind of lumped together. High school, you kind of get to branch out and Everyone starts, you know, making more friends, different groups of friends are forming. And so Emma and I were always cool with each other. But you know, I feel like the same thing with Vickie too, honestly. All of my friends, we all had different packs we kind of ran in and did. And I think what really brought us back together was our unfortunate similarity that
Emma: Yeah, you can prove you you can put it that way. Like the one thing we have in common that like most people don't you know ev you don't ever want anyone to have it in common, but then when they do you're like we're connected for the rest of our lives, I guess. Yeah.
Courtney: Yep, exactly. So for those who have heard previously on the podcast, I've talked about my older brother Landon, who passed away when I was 16. I mean, obviously very traumatic, terrible time. And Emma was the only person my age who actually had already experienced that. And you got a head start,
Emma: Got a head start.
Courtney: unfortunately, which don't wish that on anyone, but I will say. I don't know if I would have pulled through it as well as I did had I not had you during that time. I I I always think back so fondly on you and I remember, my God. I don't know if it was Thanksgiving because you passed away on Thanksgiving. And I don't know if you came over that next day or the day after that, but you picked me up. Yeah.
Emma: The day it was the day after. It was the day after Thanksgiving.
Courtney: Yeah, you came and picked me up. And it was back when Starbucks would mail you a card for your birthday and you would get a ten dollar birthday drink and they had mailed one to Landon because his birthday was also in November. And you were like, Let's go, Starbucks. That's for you and Landon used always go. And we went, and I was just sobbing trying to order a chai tea latte. And I'm like, I don't know if I can use this card. It's for my brother. And you I remember you Took the card for me and you looked at the woman behind the register and you said, You will use this. Like you said something like that, or something along along the lines of like, we must use this. Which I mean, it was needed. And I I don't think they would have told us no, but it was, it was just I look back on that and I'm like, God, I needed that in that moment. And like, we're the same age. You've you didn't need to be able to do that for me.
Emma: Well, I
Courtney: But you were.
Emma: I think about it a lot and I I am happy to. Like that's part of the I hated that it happened, obviously. But it's one of those things that I've met a few other people that have experienced it too in whatever way. It's never the same. Even if the circumstances are similar, it is never the same and it never you'll never meet anyone that has the same experience. That's part of the horribleness of it is that it will never be identical, but also some of the beauty is that like you get to make this experience, you have to make this experience something that you grow from. But I also get something out of it in knowing that there's somebody else that might get it a little more. Like my brother died when I was nine. He was 16. So I have learned how to live with these things, but they still puff up and I mean he's been gone for twenty two years, something like that, if I'm doing math right. And it's it's still almost relieving when you meet someone that you're like, you kind of kinda get it. Like you kinda understand at least the storm in your brain and when yeah, it's been twenty years but one day it's just like, today's not the day. Like, today's not my day for X reason, whatever it might be. But it's so funny to me that you bring up the Starbucks because I don't remember that part as clearly. I remember it happening. What I remember
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: is the fountain. Do you remember sitting at the fountain outside of that?
Courtney: No,
Emma: So we went straight from Starbucks, we're both wearing pajama pants. Mine were white with big polka dots and they were fuzzy. And I think you were wearing Halloween pajama pants. And for some reason I have that in my brain. We sat out it was at the promenade in Charlotte
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: and we sat out at that fountain and we were looking through his Facebook page and just looking through his pictures and drinking our Starbucks and just like weeping. And people were walking by and looking at us and we just looked right at them We're just like what you gotta do something about it. And I remember us talking to each other and being like, I bet they think we just like went through a breakup or something. Like they
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: think they're just we're just like teenage girls going through some silly things. Like they don't Yeah, it's like
Courtney: Like on Thanksgiving.
Emma: they don't fucking know. They don't fucking know. They have no idea. Yeah, do
Courtney: We're like, stare at us.
Emma: it. Do it. But yeah, we we definitely have that connection. We will always
Courtney: yeah.
Emma: have that connection. And yeah, I mean honestly
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: like it was really healing for me to be able to help you go through that but also like that wasn't my job. Like I never felt like, I'm gonna fix this for and you also like it was really really what's the right word for this, like empowering to see you handle it the way you handled it. Because you had so much strength in attack like truly. Like
Courtney: I don't personally feel that I handled it well because I was definitely drunk for several years after that. Right. But when you're
Emma: Actually, who tell you not to? Like who pains the
Courtney: a teenager, like what else are you gonna do to cope?
Emma: Right. No, you you did truly with so much class
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: and you don't have to at all at that but that's the point where you get to fucking set fires and no one can tell you not to. So like
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: you handled it with a lot of grace and a lot of like to go back a plum
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: from that episode, whatever. Is is that a good way to use that word? Ask your friend if I use that word, right?
Courtney: Wait, my god, that is a good way to use it. Yeah,
Emma: I don't know.
Courtney: 'cause it's like it's like like with grace and like,
Emma: Yeah, yeah.
Courtney: I've been trying to figure out ways to work it into conversation and I've not accomplished it. Good job, Emma.
Emma: Very good. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I mean I don't know in what way you wanna you wanna go with with that as far as talking about but like that is certainly a rooted part of our connection that like we'll always be there. And I think that is
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: a big part of what you talk about, like cheering each other on. I think the fact that we're living life how we want to alone is an accomplishment that like other people aren't going to understand as much as we're
Courtney: Yeah, and I I don't wish it upon anyone. And I I really don't. And I've I've worked a lot in therapy over the years of, you know, why I've ended up with the people I have dated in the past and like why I stuck around and just well, I mean, also you're when we're in our twenties, like we just we're we're just dating and hoping that everyone has the best, like our best interests at heart and We wanna be loved. We're young. Everyone wants to be loved, no matter what age they are. And I just was always looking for someone that I felt understood me. And I had a hard time finding that in dating. And then I had the one partner who had also lost a sibling. And it was the first time that I felt like I could be my like a what felt at the time like a irrationally emotional self. And the other person got it. And I didn't have to explain it. It's just like I'm having a Landon day. Yeah. But then that made me stick stick around for two years when I should not have
Emma: No, the like finding something or someone that can ease that pressure of having to like like people that love you don't need to make you perform, but you are performing. Like you're masking. When
Courtney: Mm.
Emma: you have this thing that is bubbling within you that like people aren't gonna understand. Like you are performing to an extent. And yeah, it's really easy to look past anything else when that feels like it's taken care of. Like that part is nurtured or nourished in some way. You're like, I'm not gonna find that anywhere. Like the rest
Courtney: Yep.
Emma: of this is fine. Like I've certainly been in relationships and moments like that and like my husband has not experienced this, but there has never been a moment where he's been like I know what you're feeling. Or he's like, that feels like a lot. And he's just like, I will never pretend to know what that is and like take whatever space you need. And he's like, Who are you ten years older than me, white man, that like knows how to talk to me about this stuff? Like what is happening? Like
Courtney: What? Right? I too would be like, Is is this real? Am I dreaming?
Emma: Like, are you grown up? I mean, he's also like still a fourteen year old boy in the same right. Like he's both but like like
Courtney: Yeah, there's you know what, that's okay. There's also we always have that little bit of child whimsy in us.
Emma: just like a skateboarder listening to reggae. Like that's the fourteenth
Courtney: love it.
Emma: year old that shows up. But yeah. but you can find that in friendship and you can find it in family when it didn't exist before too. You can go through something together with someone and then eventually get to the point where it's like, this part is taken care of for me or I can take care of this part for you as I learn what this part is for me. And
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: unfortunately it's never gonna go away. That's kind of the curse of it all. But it does change.
Courtney: Yeah. It sticks around. It does. But man. I'm always grateful for you. I really am. I always have been. I know. Look at us. my God. Honestly, I guarantee you our brothers have known each other since Landon. Went on
Emma: without a doubt.
Courtney: up there. Absolutely. And they've been hanging out, they've been watching us. I bet occasionally they're like, yo, did you see what Emma did? Or do you see what Courtney did? And they get together and they talk shit about us. Right.
Emma: I can see popcorn sitting with popcorn and be like, Are you fucking kidding me? Like what are they doing? Like,
Courtney: When is she going to learn?
Emma: what is happening? Yes, hundred percent.
Courtney: So, okay. I know that Landon and his passing shaped me to the person I am today. Like there's there's always gonna be parts of him that I carry with me through my entire life. And it's what got me to the jobs that I've had, the career journey that I've had. And one. How did you get to be Farmer Emma? How do you feel that your, you know, trauma and experiences earlier in life got you there? Or maybe it's they're not correlated at all? I mean I'm intrigued. I wanna know. Tell us everything.
Emma: Well so so how do I not talk forever about this? I I did. So I got my degree in animal science and my
Courtney: Well you went to NC state, right? Yes. Okay.
Emma: plan was to go to vet school. So I worked out of that clinic when we were in high school and NC stayed at a great vet school and the animal science program required you to take an animal science class, like an intro to animal science, and it was 8 a.m. every day of the week, first semester. They're like, we're we're making sure you want this. And we went to every one of the teaching animal units at the school. So there was a small ruminant unit with sheep and goats, there was pigs, there was horses, there was cows. So you had to interact with all of the livestock there. They're like this program is more than just small animal, it's more than cats and dogs. You can go any direction, you know, North Carolina is a very rural state and a lot And NC states that land grabs. Grant school. So a lot of like generational
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: farmers were going to school there. And I had only worked with cats and dogs. I was interested in the medical side of things and getting to touch and work with the farm animals and see the medical side and the combination of like the science that I loved and was good at, being outside, the emotional component of like working with the animals and working with people
Courtney: Mm-hmm.
Emma: that cared about the animals, the environmental parts of it. It just kind of like clicked all. the boxes and I never thought about I could farm. I mean you don't make any money but it's a nice life. well, it's not always a nice life.
Courtney: You're like, wait, hold on.
Emma: It's it's the lifestyle that I realized I wanted. So I decided I don't want to go to school for 10 years be in hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. I wasn't doing well in school. I mentally did not do well at all once I got to college. I just like kind of fell apart. It was like the work is what's working for me so hard. So
Courtney: College was hard. So hard.
Emma: hard. And that was the like I was realizing that I had some kind of ADHD, something, even though I was ignoring the therapists that have been telling me for years.
Courtney: Isn't it funny how that's when we all figured it out? And I was like, no, I'm just traumatized from the death of my brother at a young age. I'm gonna grow out of this. And they're like,
Emma: Sail, same luck.
Courtney: nah, bitch, you got OCD and ADHD and major depressive disorder.
Emma: Yep. Yeah, it's like I succeeded, I was very successful in high school because I had so many things I could focus on. I did a billion things. So it was like no work
Courtney: You were involved.
Emma: I was very I was over involved. And Then I went to college, there were three tests, there was no homework, there weren't ways to cushion my grade, there was no structure. I had to create the structure, and that's not a thing I can do. I want the structure, can't make it, can't make it happen. And so I threw
Courtney: Mm. It's hard.
Emma: myself into working in things that were related to my major, and then I was like, that's enough. I don't need to study, that's enough. And then I was like failing out of classes. So anyway, I was going to these units and working with the animals, ended up working at the Equine unit. So they did yeah,
Courtney: horses.
Emma: with horses. So we did We did semen collection and insemination. We did all of it. So we collected the semen, we inseminated, we worked through the gestational period of the horses, we then fold them out, so went through folding, and then we would train and break the yearlings, breaking as far as like getting them used to human interaction. And then
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: we had a student run livestock auction to sell them to people who would then train them for riding. So we did every piece of their life cycle, and it was was the best part of my college experience and it like lit me up. It was incredible. And I've never been a horse girl. I'm not a rider. So no and I still don't know how to ride. I
Courtney: Yeah, I was about to say, you were not a horse girl growing up that I remember. Hm.
Emma: know how to I was handling stallions. I can handle a horse. I have to handle I have to handle a horse. I have to handle a horse.
Courtney: You can handle a horse.
Emma: how how inappropriate can I be on here? 'Cause like I have a story that's
Courtney: Girl, let it out. You say whatever.
Emma: So that was a great tool for me to use in college of parties. I had one frat that I was really close to. The frat had eight brothers, mind you. It was tiny.
Courtney: small.
Emma: But they threw the best parties and they were because I knew all the brothers and their friends, it was very safe for well, it was safer for me. I could grab any one of them, I would stay at the house all the time, I'd be there on the weekends, just hanging out, we'd be grilling out, chill like I was I lived there for a couple weeks in the summer in between leases, like it was very nice. But there were moments, and I remember one specifically, standing in a hallway and someone was just like, So, like, what are you studying? Like, what do you want to do? And he was like a real turd, just how he was talking. And I was like, I breed horses and he goes, tell me about that was like, Dude, like I don't know, I handle horse dick for a living and I'm sure you're not close to it, so like you're wasting your time. And one of the brothers I ended up dating for a minute and he did tell me drunkenly, he's My ex-girlfriend said I have a horse dick And I was like, I promise you, I'm sure you don't
Courtney: Y you do not.
Emma: To be fair, to protect myself there, I hadn't witnessed anything, but I was like, I'm sure you don't.
Courtney: I can I can just imagine like an Emma that's had like a couple beers is having a fun time at the frat party and you're just like, I'm literally a professional horse dick handler. Step the fuck back. You literally can't impress me.
Emma: Get okay. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done talking to you. It's like you can't. And you're like making a real fool out of yourself here, dude. Like I'm gonna need you to take some space. But
Courtney: But also I just love humbling men in situations like that where it's just like, No, I actually do know more than you.
Emma: Like I I do, and I know it's a very niche subject, but this one might hurt your feelings, so I'm gonna use it. But anyway, it was a blast. so
Courtney: This one will hurt your feelings. I would love to have witnessed that. my god. Amazing.
Emma: that's what I did in school, and I realized I wanted to keep farming, and I also was not doing well, like I said, in school, and I had a few classes that I wasn't gonna pass before I graduated. So I needed to proved to myself that I could be out in the world and separate from school and be successful in some way without it just being my grades. Because I had really good grades in high school. It was a big part of like feeling like I could succeed in life. And then in college, it was like, I don't know that I can be out in the world and be successful because everyone says you have to get this degree, you have to do it by this book, you have to have this piece of paper. And I wasn't achieving that in the way that I was supposed to. So
Courtney: Mm. Yeah.
Emma: I found an apprenticeship up in New England, which I'm familiar with up here. We vacation here every summer and said we have a family lake house that's been in our family since like the forties. And so I came up here, I've always loved New England, founded
Courtney: Wait, whereabout? In Maine?
Emma: So I'm in southern Maine right now, but our lake house is in New Hampshire. it's my great great aunt was the first female principal in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, and she lived in this fishing cabin that we then turned into like a bigger house and that my Kabil family members all go to. Yeah, it was really cool. And my
Courtney: What a cool story. Love that.
Emma: grandma had a million kids who had a million kids and so we all would go up every summer. but I've always loved New England. I like better than the South. Sorry. I want people to be direct
Courtney: It's fine.
Emma: with me. I mean that's the difference is like I'd rather if you're gonna be an asshole, just like make it clear that you're being an asshole like
Courtney: You know what? I get it because Southerners will just be like, bless your heart. Like I say bless your heart all the time, and it means a hundred different things. Mm-hmm.
Emma: Does, sure does. And I hate it. It cripples me. It cripples me.
Courtney: It i I'm part of the problem. I get it.
Emma: But up here, everybody sounds like a dick, but they're changing your tire and insulting you as they do it. But they're changing your tire. They're not being like, you didn't learn how to do this and then like walking away. Like it's still
Courtney: Fair.
Emma: it's yeah, I like the gruff, rough and tumble people up here.
Courtney: You know what? We'll you are the right person to be up there then. We will let them have you, Emma.
Emma: Thank you. it's funny I keep going on tangents, but they I get made fun of for being southern all the time. I don't have an accent. The only thing I've got is like a few
Courtney: You don't.
Emma: words every once in a while. I like throw out yall or I say cuss and people are like Cuss it's curse. Like we're
Courtney: Whatever, it's cuss. We cussin
Emma: we're cussing. Yeah, it's fine. And yeah, so people give me that all the time. But so I came up to I won't share where, just in case we get into stories because I don't want to connect into that. But I came up to New England, did an apprenticeship on a farm. that was incredibly humbling. I learned so much, but it was wildly unhealthy, like crazy.
Courtney: And how long w was that like a summer internship type thing or?
Emma: Yeah. So in farming it's really common to get an internship from like June, July to winter, like November, December, because people will cut staff in the wintertime because there's not a lot of money to pay for people. So you have like your full time staff and that's pretty much it. And then you have seasonal season. Yeah.
Courtney: Yeah. It's very season seasonality driven. Yeah.
Emma: Yeah, it's a very seasonal job for a lot of people. So I had this apprenticeship where it often comes with housing. So that's a lot of the compensation is like you get often like discounted food or you get the staff food like a broken package or something where there's a lotto. So like it does add up for food. It was a broken down servant shack from the seventeen tens and a tree was growing through the wall onto my bed. a woodchuck slept on our couch. a woodchuck, which down there we
Courtney: woodchuck. I don't even know what a woodchuck looks like.
Emma: Woodchuck, groundhog, whistle pig, they're all the same thing. Which I do get shit
Courtney: Okay.
Emma: for calling it a whistle pig up here. That's a southern thing that they yell at me for. But
Courtney: Which and what was the woodchuck's name?
Emma: I don't remember. I know we named it. We also had a chipmunk.
Courtney: He had to have a name.
Emma: We had a chipmunk that stole a loaf of bread off of our table in front of us and it tried to pull it through the uneven door. It like was yanking the bag through the door. It was and I just kept eating. It was like I guess this is just what we're doing. I did. I just opened
Courtney: I would just give him the bag of bread at that point 'cause I feel like the effort was put in.
Emma: Yeah, it's like that's for you, man. You braved the humans. You did your best.
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: so I lived in this place with two people I didn't know. and we worked I think fifteen hour days and
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: farming is I love it so much for so many reasons. But we learned plumbing, we learned electrical, we learned kind of every bit of trade welding. We learned like
Courtney: Welding.
Emma: bit of every yeah, a little bit of every trade because we're building structures for animals. We're doing environmental science of seed restructuring and pasture regeneration. We're building electric fences, they're portable ones, but we have to be able to set up solar batteries in particular directions and repair them in the fields. And we have to run water lines both in freezing temperatures and in temperatures over 100 degrees. And we have to be able to repair and establish those in the blink of an eye. because these animals are dependent on it and if water breaks,
Courtney: Yep.
Emma: I mean we were raising I think we had eleven thousand chickens there that year. So we were slaughtering five hundred a week with eight of us and we had a state processing facility. So we would collect five hundred birds every Tuesday and then slaughter them and process them and then send them to sale. But we also had about a hundred pigs, twelve hundred meat ducks, eleven hundred turkeys. so my apprenticeship ended at Thanksgiving 'cause the turkeys were kind of like the end of the the year.
Courtney: Yep.
Emma: Yeah. so we would learn all these pieces but we had four full time employees. So all those animals, four employees.
Courtney: That's a lot of animals to
Emma: Yeah.
Courtney: human ratio, not not math and
Emma: It's yeah. So
Courtney: Dane.
Emma: I learned a lot. I learned how to work hard in really wild weather conditions, which is a part of the job, not specific to that place. I also learned how to work
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: in wild management positions and just circumstances that shouldn't happen but are common in agriculture. there's a lot of overworking people because they're there and they're available. You become really connected to the people there because you don't have time to see your families. It just doesn't happen. And nationally you don't have to pay farmers, anyone in agriculture, they don't have to be paid overtime. It's not mandated. So we would work overtime and you don't get overtime. So each place gets to choose whether or not they want to pay into overtime. so I learned a bunch. I learned what I deserved in management and what I wanted out of farming, and then found a job
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: ten minutes from our lake house raising hundred and eighty pigs on a hundred and eighty acres of conservation land. Yeah, exactly. Right right down the road from where
Courtney: an acre per pig. How nice.
Emma: all my family would come visit in the summer. So I got to see everybody without traveling 'cause I was poor. I lived in a beautiful house with these two I moved in with these two forty year old guys when I was twenty two. And she
Courtney: I bet your mother loved that as well.
Emma: was like, I hope you marry them was like, That's not happening.
Courtney: I just I love your mom.
Emma: It was it was a great experience. It had its own hiccups too. Again, you're living with people and you're working and it has its natural and
Courtney: You're spending all your time with those people.
Emma: then COVID and all of it in one.
Courtney: Ooh.
Emma: And the job is emotional because things are dying. Things are like it's factory
Courtney: constantly yeah.
Emma: work, but your product runs away. It gets sick, it bites you. It
Courtney: my God, your product runs away.
Emma: Yeah. Yeah.
Courtney: my God. I'm not I wasn't even like thinking about it like that.
Emma: Yeah. Yeah, so like your life is dictated by them. so I was there for a while and it's just the the overlap of it runs your life, whether you want it to or not.
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: And I did want that and I have liked that in my job of like I heard somewhere I give my dad credit for it, I don't know that he came up with it 'cause he's got a whole bunch of like southern bullshit that he spews. So I don't know if it's really his, but I'll give him credit. That
Courtney: Ha ha
Emma: you can either Live the life you wanna live while working or work to live
Courtney: Okay.
Emma: the life you wanna live. And I picked live the life I wanna live while working. So not like working a desk job that that would get give me the money to like go live the life I wanted. I'd be living
Courtney: Mm-hmm.
Emma: how I wanted to live. And I did that and I loved it, but I was like losing big pieces of myself. And I think in retrospect I was losing the opportunity to grow myself, like learn who I was. Like these are formative years and
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: not to give all the credit to a man because he doesn't get to have it, but I will give Jesse the credit. Him coming in from the outside post COVID but freshly post COVID, coming in, seeing the dynamic I had, where I lived, what I was doing. He spent
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: the night one night and I woke up. It was February, so there's probably two feet of snow. And I woke up at three AM and was like, this sow just had babies. I have to go turn on the heat lamp. And he's like, It's two in the morning. Like d do it when you wake up. Like, no, don't get out of bed. Like it's cold. Like take care of yourself. It's like, No, those piglets are gonna die if I don't go do that.
Courtney: Wait, how did you know that they had babies in the middle of the night?
Emma: Well, I knew they had it earlier in the day and then I realized it was like, I don't know that we set up a lamp and I wanted to go double check. It's like if I if I didn't or if my coworker didn't, then they're gonna die and I'm living here.
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: I'm right outside, I'm gonna go check. And he's like, What are you what? And I was like, Well, this is just how it works and he's like, That's not how life works He's like, That's not how that works And yeah. Yeah
Courtney: Yep. And just for some perspective, what what does Jesse do for work?
Emma: It's funny because he does kind of similar stuff. He he's a high school. Yeah. Yeah. He's
Courtney: really? Okay. I was hoping you were gonna be like, he's a bank teller.
Emma: he's now a high school teacher. But his
Courtney: Okay.
Emma: his degree is in outdoor adventure education. So he used to take kids on like ten day treks, like adjudicated youth. So like wilderness therapy.
Courtney: That's a degree?
Emma: Yeah. Up here it is. Up here's real outdoorsy, man. but he would take kids like wilderness therapy. So kids that were
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: having a hard time one way or the other. It they were through a court system in some way. And they would go ten days out in the woods and basically like social emotional learning. And he does that now in a public school. So he teaches outdoor adventure ed and adventure learning with kids in a public school program. They like build fires and go on hikes and
Courtney: That's cool.
Emma: Yeah. Yeah. So he also had like a very non-traditional way of living, like understood the hard work in this category. But he still
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: was like, You have to take care of yourself. He's like, I'm fine. It's like it's all okay.
Courtney: Like everything relies on me. I must make this be okay. Yep.
Emma: But that's then your identity. It was like, I'm a good farmer. And being a good farmer means I give up everything that I have. Like I don't have money,
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: I don't have health insurance, but I do a really good job at taking care of these animals and the land they live on. It was both of it. We got all regenerative. He's like, I do this well. And I then moved out of that house while staying in that job and moved in with him and just the distance and was like, wow. Like not living where you work is crazy like that.
Courtney: Yeah, I would imagine mental health wise that would make a a big difference.
Emma: Huge. And now I'm in vegetables, which is not what I studied, and I was like I'm never gonna be a veggie farmer and I have weekends on.
Courtney: Look at you now.
Emma: I have maternity leave. I have people my coworker officiated our wedding, two of them. I signed their will and testament. Like we are very much connected and every
Courtney: Love it.
Emma: small farm wants to be like we're families. Like if you stop forcing it, it's probably a better work environment. And now veggies is the way to go. I miss the creatures, but you get to walk
Courtney: Okay.
Emma: away. And they still need
Courtney: Hmm.
Emma: care, but in a different
Courtney: Yeah, it is different. Okay. So you've pivoted from animal farmer to veggie farmer. You feel that you'll always stay in veggies now that you've had the veggie experience and figured out that separation of home and work is good.
Emma: Yep. Yep. Separated church and state. Yeah.
Courtney: Yep, yep.
Emma: Yeah, if as long as I'm farming, I will farm at this place. This is the oldest family farm in
Courtney: Okay.
Emma: the country. They're the best. They're the best people I've ever worked with. I don't know that I wanna farm forever now. Like that's the change that I'm going through and
Courtney: Okay.
Emma: figuring out being a mom and just like being older. farming's
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: tough on your body and I did it through my pregnancy and I take that as a massive win. I kept doing it while pregnant and then now it's like
Courtney: gosh, yeah.
Emma: I'm gonna go back and try it out for a little while, but I'm looking at different options just farther down the line just for more financial stability. They pay me great, but farming doesn't have money at all. Like no matter where you go, it just doesn't happen. So
Courtney: That's fair. So okay, what is your what are you gonna explore? Like what's your ideal next step?
Emma: I think the realistic one is Jesse and I might start a gardening business in the summertime.
Courtney: Mm-hmm.
Emma: so it's really wealthy around here on the seacoast, like
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: out on the shore. So like maintenance gardening, weeding, taking care
Courtney: Mm-hmm.
Emma: of people's gardens in the summer, in the fall, leaf cleanup, stuff like that. You can make quite
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: a bit of money doing contract work. So very well.
Courtney: Absolutely. You know, you really should talk to Farmer Erin from episode five, I think. Cause
Emma: I know. I know. Yeah.
Courtney: I mean, she's done it for so long and she's so cool. And honestly, y'all have probably crossed paths at some point, when Landon passed and we had, you know, so many get togethers and stuff. I bet y'all have seen each other.
Emma: recognized and when I saw the clip I was like I think I've met her like when I Yeah. Yeah.
Courtney: Yeah, at least in passing, I'm sure you have. I mean, literally 15 years ago, but she's a lovely human being. And you're a lovely human being. And maybe you should be lovely human beings together over a coffee on FaceTime or something and chat about gardening. Yeah, I
Emma: hell yeah. Yeah, so moving that.
Courtney: I could see you doing that. I think that would be really fun and just a great way to get more involved in your local community too, meeting people that way. Hmm.
Emma: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's an option. I wanna keep farming, so I'm looking at maybe part time of just like staying there 'cause I love it there and then just like filling in some time, doing something that's a little easier to make some extra money for us. But yeah, I I don't know, I'm also looking at going back into something medical, like farther down the road, like getting a another degree in something at the community college down the road. there's a lot of sonography openings and I did that in college for ultrasounds for animals and stuff.
Courtney: Okay.
Emma: I'd be interested in learning that for people and seems like it's
Courtney: Ooh, okay.
Emma: a a real option. So looked into a bunch of stuff, but Jesse's deal
Courtney: Okay.
Emma: with a lot of my like two AM breastfeeding being like, What if I get a degree in this? Or like, what if I go do this job? Like I
Courtney: Yeah, yep. I my friends have to hear me talk about that all the time. I've made like three different new resumes in the past month that are all for very different industries. But I'm like, I know I can do this and I can do that. And I just need to tailor my resume. And I've been applying to different things. And they'll be like, Yeah, you could totally be an event planner. We could see you doing that, or you could totally be an executive assistant and you're so organized. And I I don't know. We're still so young in the grand scheme of things. We have
Emma: Yeah. Yeah.
Courtney: so much time to be whatever we want, try whatever we want to try. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. There's nothing wrong in that.
Emma: That's such a good point. And I the other day was thinking that too. He's like, There is time to make a change. If you wanna make a change, there's also time to still wait to decide. that's a big part too.
Courtney: Mm-hmm.
Emma: Like it doesn't have to be a big switch all the time. we've got enough light, like
Courtney: Absolutely.
Emma: yeah.
Courtney: No. And I I really thought about that when I got laid off this third go-around.
Emma: Okay.
Courtney: and I was like, at first I was like, I need to go back into a high paying corporate America job because that's what I had been doing. And I feel that in my in my negative moments of self speak, I'm gonna be alone forever. And whether that is by choice or not, it may
Emma: Yeah. Yep.
Courtney: be by choice. Cause right now I'm like, this is exhausting and I don't want to date anyone. I want to make sure I can provide for myself, provide for my parents as they get older. And I'm like, but is that what's gonna fill my cup long term? And as I have started the podcast and I've returned back to the service industry now, I'm meeting so many people from different walks of life at the champagne bar, like guests that come in and Just the networking. Also, I have been given the feedback from one of my managers. Love her. Love you, Jordan. If you're listening, that I spend too much time talking to my tables.
Emma: You have to. You have to.
Courtney: And she was like, I know that you're having a lot of fun and you're doing great, but you know, maybe just a little less. And I just the first time she told me that, I cracked up and I like, Do you think I ever got notes home on my report card in elementary school that I talk too much?
Emma: Talking too much. I mean same. And yeah, I was talking for a little while.
Courtney: And she was like, Maybe
Emma: And recently I was bartending to pay for our wedding too. So I'd go from the farm to this brewery. I loved it. I was
Courtney: Mm-hmm.
Emma: like, I know I'm talking too much, but also like it's making connections. It's turned
Courtney: Yes.
Emma: out that our new neighbor, our next door neighbor, was a regular at the bar. We came to tour this house and he was getting his mail and he's like, Emma? And now
Courtney: Emma, is that you?
Emma: We're so close with them now. Like they knitted a blanket for our baby and when we were in the hospital they mowed our lawn. and we have two and a half acres, they mowed like all of everything for theirs too. It just like community is built that way. Like take the time. Take the time.
Courtney: Right. It's it's so important. And I've already had people come back and requests to have me wait on them when they come back to the champagne bar. And I'll be honest with you, I don't always remember these people. And my manager will call to me and she'd be like, Hey, that that group of five requested you specifically and I was like, I have no idea who those people are and they're like, Well, they love you and they said we want Courtney and I was like, Well then they will have me
Emma: They shall have me. Yeah.
Courtney: gosh. But no, community is so important. And I I mean, I think you and I can attest to that from a young age of going through these traumatic, huge life experiences. And I mean, the people that rallied around us is,
Emma: Yeah. And yeah.
Courtney: I mean, just monumental. I we wouldn't have made it where we are today if we didn't have that.
Emma: No, and I think too to speak on that, like I would not be farming if I hadn't gone through that. I think that it certainly didn't like lead me to farming, but like I found it and I think truly to go back to the masochism too that I mentioned earlier.
Courtney: Mm-hmm.
Emma: I think that because it was so unpredictable, it's so chaotic you don't know like you kinda know what you're gonna do throughout a day, but like weather throws in, something is sick, again something runs away, something breaks, something dies, something goes into labor, like it's all over the place. It's so chaotic and I was used to that. Like I have we mentioned our parents. I have incredible parents. I have a great family, a very supportive family. But the chaos that comes from such a sudden loss at any
Courtney: Yes.
Emma: young age. But certainly f to speak for me at nine, I just
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: learned how to survive in that and I've realized as I've gotten older I need to make it all the time. Like need to have it outside all the time. So then the inside makes more sense. And that realization was crushing. Like when I realized that that's what it was. But it was really helpful and gave me a lot of strength. And that was again, not to give the man all the credit, but one thing 'cause he also has a degree in fucking therapy, so like no wonder I I know. But
Courtney: Damn it, Jesse, we love you.
Emma: part of that conversation, like when he saw the reality of where I was working and just like the category of work I was doing, like I stepped away from there, moved in with him, just had space and separation, then went to work at the veggie farm and I realized was like I don't know what to do when things are safe. Like I'm in the safest relationship I've ever been in. I'm in the safest job I've ever been in. I'm in the safest living position I've ever been in. I'm creating madness outside of me, really overreacting to things, finding things that are dramatic, creating a lot of intensity because that's where I understood how to be. And that came from realizing that people are just gonna die. They're just gonna go. And you can't do anything about it. And then you worry that the rest of your people are gonna die because like why I don't know what's going on. I don't know why this happened,
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: like
Courtney: Well, especially I mean, you were nine years old. That was a huge
Emma: Yeah, no, it's like you can learn that.
Courtney: thing to experience at that age and for you to have turned out the way that you have.
Emma: thank you. It took a lot of therapy. Yeah.
Courtney: I mean, g girl, right? Thank you. Shout out to every therapist I've had. You have done the heavy lifting.
Emma: You have works. You have worked. But I mean that truly says the same thing at sixteen. Like those are such formative times. Like at nine years old, you're learning what it's like to be a person. At sixteen years old, you're learning what you are as a person. And I watched you do that and you did. Like you got to be who you needed to be in those moments, but then you also were turning into who you are now and got to carry that with you with strength and not with like it wasn't as much of a burden as it is to
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: have the burden of a loss. Like you were able to make it something that you took with you and not that you had to pull behind you.
Courtney: Yeah, no, it's true. I definitely I I was like if Landon doesn't get to do these things and just share his amazing personality and shocking wisdom that he had at such a young age for himself and I was like, I want to be able to be this for others. And I've worked so hard at that over the years and I just You know, I always try to present myself, especially in meeting new people and and the people that like I have f good foundations and relationships with now. I wanna be the person that I needed in
Emma: Yeah.
Courtney: hard times. And that's how
Emma: Yeah.
Courtney: I try presents when someone comes to me with a conflict or they're having a hard day or you know, anything like that is like what what did I need when I was going through this? And present in that way. And it's not for everyone. I mean, some people need space, some people need to be, you know, held, need to be, taken care of 24-7. It's just everyone's different, different strokes for different folks. And it's just communication and seeing what people need. And I just try and present with positivity. And sometimes
Emma: Yeah.
Courtney: I'm also like, this fucking sucks, man.
Emma: Sure does. Yeah.
Courtney: That's and it's better. And you told me that.
Emma: Yeah.
Courtney: I remember that. You were like, this fucking sucks. And I was like, it does. And you're like, there's no better way to put it. And we were sitting in your God, what car? What was your first car? It was it was a it
Emma: Honda Accord, a two thousand one gold Honda Accord.
Courtney: was gold. It was a old honda accord I remember that.
Emma: Sure was. No, but you have done that. You have done that. You have created this space where like yes, it is true that it's not for everybody, but it is so clear that like you have continued to treat people how you needed to be treated. You're golden ruling the shit out of this place. And not a lot of people can do that. And look at you. You're
Courtney: Mm.
Emma: doing it. You're doing the thing they told us to do in elementary school. I remember we crossed paths in fifth grade and I remember because that's when I moved there. 'Cause you were were you Mr. Manis' class? Yeah. So I was in Housers,
Courtney: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Emma: but I came in in the middle of the year. that's when we moved to Charlotte. But I remember an assembly that was about the golden rule. So it was just remembering that now when you're talking about like elementary school and stuff, it's like we had a whole assembly to like treat others how you want to be treated. Here's examples, here's things not to do. Yeah. And that's
Courtney: I forgot about that. You're right.
Emma: yeah, forever ago, obviously. But
Courtney: Gosh, what time be flying? It be flying.
Emma: Does. Sure does. Yeah.
Courtney: Well, Emma, this has been such a delightful conversation. I'm so glad we got to do this. Is there anything that we left out that you can think of that you want to share or touch on? Try and think.
Emma: I don't think so. I've just screamed at you because I have mom brain and have been like I can talk about food and farming and cre I mean the fact that I like didn't go farther into semen collection is probably best for all of us but like I
Courtney: I'm gonna be honest, I already have a million questions about semen collection after you mentioned that. And I'm just probably gonna write them in a Google document and send them to you.
Emma: do it. I could literally talk about it forever. Truly.
Courtney: But you know what, for the sake of our sweet JerrBear maybe we just will leave that one out for now. Okay.
Emma: Sorry Jerry. I definitely didn't
Courtney: Sorry, Dad, we love you, biggest fans.
Emma: live in a frat house. It didn't happen. It didn't happen. No.
Courtney: No, we've never lived in frat houses.
Emma: It was just for two weeks and no one was there. I was in between pieces. It was safe. I do think that was
Courtney: it's fine. Everything's fine.
Emma: something I told my mom and not my dad. I do think that was a circumstance where I was like, It's probably best to not tell Keith this, like let's just keep it to ourselves.
Courtney: You know, there's some things that they need to know, some things they don't need to know, and you
Emma: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Courtney: are safe and sound and you've made it through. So all is good. my gosh.
Emma: Right. All is good. All is fine. no, this has been incredible. Thank you for giving me a space to just talk about how
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: weird life can be when you take non-traditional roads, but also just to like see how you're doing and jump back into like
Courtney: Yeah.
Emma: what it felt like in high school.
Courtney: my gosh, I love it. This has been such a fun trip down memory lane, really. Even even though it includes a lot of our traumatic experiences and, you know, really heavy stuff we went through, but it made us who we are today. And we're honestly some kick-ass, badass women, if you ask me.
Emma: Hell yeah. And you know, that
Courtney: Hell yeah.
Emma: definitely made I think we were that to begin with, but it
Courtney: I think we always were.
Emma: yeah, it added to our arsenal for sure. Like now no one can touch it. It like you don't know what I've been through. How dare you think that you're more important right now? Like you don't understand.
Courtney: Right. I have seen things.
Emma: If you think that you're giving me problems, like this is this is nothing. This is child's play. Child's play.
Courtney: I'll show you a problem.
Emma: Okay. Yes.
Courtney: Well, Emma, thank you so much for taking the time. I know being a new mom is a lot and it's exhausting. And you don't look like you just had a baby a month ago. you look like you are glowing and I'm sure you're
Emma: She's good.
Courtney: gonna be like, Courtney, I'm exhausted. I'm so glad you feel that way.
Emma: Yeah. Yes. I mean that's why I'm like and pigs and then your dad and also college. Like it's just all over. But yeah, no, thank you. She's
Courtney: No, it's it's perfect.
Emma: she's the best and I'm exhausted, but it's amazing.
Courtney: It'll it'll be it'll pay off. It'll it'll all come together. You just gotta get through those those crying ears and diapers and then then it's then it's uphill, I feel like.
Emma: The eye contact and her little squeaks, they do it. She can she can take everything I have. Yep.
Courtney: man, that's how I feel about Delilah. Also eye contact and little squeaks and headbutts. Not to compare
Emma: Yes. Yes. Yes. That's it.
Courtney: my cat to your human child, but
Emma: It's the same. We have a kitten at the same time too. It's the same. They're the same.
Courtney: gosh, that's that's brave. They always are. They always are when they're little.
Emma: His name is Kimchi, he's a terrorist. But they Yeah. Yep.
Courtney: my gosh. Well, thank you, Emma. And I look forward to listening back to this episode so much. my gosh. Thank you, thank you. Bye, everyone.
Emma: Meet beat it's a place to do it.