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In this episode, you'll discover how to regulate your nervous system when anxiety, stress, or overwhelm starts affecting how you think, feel, and respond Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, the podcast where you and I tackle stress and anxiety in midlife so you can stop feeling like crap, feel more present at home, and thrive at work.
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I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with over 50,000 hours of therapy sessions and three decades of teaching practical science-backed mental wellness Welcome to the podcast.
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Imagine it's late afternoon.
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You get an email from your boss that says,"Can you call me?
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We need to talk." Or maybe it's a text from your adult child or your aging parent with almost the same message,"Can you call me?
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I need to talk to you now." You don't know what's wrong yet.
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You just know someone important wants to talk, and before you've even made the call, you may notice something happening in you.
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Maybe your mind starts racing.
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What happened?
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Did I do something wrong?
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Is someone in trouble?
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What am I gonna have to deal with?
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Or maybe you have the opposite reaction.
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You look at the message and think,"I cannot deal with one more thing today." You put the phone down.
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You don't even want to know.
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Same kind of message, two very different nervous system responses.
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Because your nervous system is constantly taking in what's happening around you and inside you and adjusting your energy and alertness to help you respond.
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On Monday, we talked about why that happens, and I introduced you to the window of tolerance, a mental wellness tool that you can use to notice what's happening in your nervous system.
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Today, I wanna take that one step further.
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In this episode, you'll discover how to notice when anxiety, stress, or overwhelm is beginning to affect how you think, feel, and respond, how to tell whether you're becoming more activated or starting to shut down, and why the difference matters, and how to respond to what your nervous system needs so you can regain enough capacity to choose what to do next.
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Remember, your window of tolerance is that middle space where you have enough emotional, mental, and physical capacity to see what's happening clearly, feel what you're feeling, and choose how you want to respond.
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When you move above that window, you become more activated, anxious, agitated, urgent, or overwhelmed.
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When you move below it, you become foggy, tired, disconnected, or shut down, and neither place is optimal when it comes to thinking clearly and deciding what you want to do next.
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And what helps you move back toward your window depends in part on which direction you moved.
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So let's go back to the message on your phone.
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Before you respond, the first thing to do is notice what's happening in you.
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And notice sounds simple, but there's something really important happening when you do it.
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You're slowing things down.
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Your nervous system is designed to react.
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That's part of its job.
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You see the message, your body takes in that information, and something begins to happen.
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Maybe your heart starts beating faster, your thoughts start racing, you feel anxious or urgent, and you wanna make that call immediately.
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Or maybe your energy drops.
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You feel tired or foggy, and you think,"I can't deal with this right now." If you don't slow things down enough to notice, It's very easy to simply follow that first reaction, and here's the important part.
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That first reaction may not be what your body actually needs to move back toward your window of tolerance.
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So ask yourself,"What's happening in me right now?
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Am I moving up or am I moving down?" So let's start with moving up.
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Clinically, we call this hyperarousal.
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You know, you become a bit hyper.
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Your thoughts may speed up.
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You may feel more anxious, agitated, irritated, or urgent.
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You may feel an almost immediate need to do something.
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Go back to that message.
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You may want to make the call immediately.
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You want to know what's wrong.
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You want to get rid of the uncertainty.
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Ask yourself,"Do I have so much activation right now that I'm trying to respond just to get rid of my discomfort?" Because that's often what the urgency of hyperarousal does.
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Make the call, send the text, ask the questions, give the advice, fix the problem, anything that gives you some relief right now.
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But relief in the moment isn't always the same as responding in a way that's aligned with who you are, what you value, and how you want to show up.
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So if you notice you're moving up, slow things down You might wanna walk around for a minute or two while slowing your breathing and noticing your feet making contact with the floor.
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Feel your heel come down, feel your foot on the floor, notice your next step.
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You're giving your mind something concrete to pay attention to while you're giving your body a chance to bring some of that activation down.
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You're not doing this because the message doesn't matter or because you're trying to make your anxiety disappear.
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You're bringing the activation down enough to give yourself more capacity to think clearly and make a choice you'll still agree with tomorrow, not just a choice that gives you relief in the moment.
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Then you can look at that message again.
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Am I ready to make the call?
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Maybe you are.
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Maybe you realize you need five more minutes.
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Either way, something important has changed.
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You're choosing what to do next instead of simply reacting to what you're feeling right now.
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Now, let's look at the other direction.
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Sometimes your nervous system responds to too much not by speeding you up, but by pulling your energy down.
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Clinically, we call this hypoarousal, or as one of my clients calls it, hippoarousal.
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Your energy and alertness drop, and you're just kind of there like a hippo.
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You may feel tired, foggy, numb, or disconnected.
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You may have trouble thinking clearly.
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You might look at that message and think,"I just can't deal right now." You put the phone down, maybe you start scrolling, turn on the television, or find something else to do.
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And just like with hyperarousal, the first step is to notice.
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Not,"What's wrong with me?
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Why can't I just deal with this?" But to move from judgment to curiosity.
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What's happening in me right now?
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Because if you're moving down, more calming may not be what you need.
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You may need to gently bring some energy and connection back into your system.
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So move.
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Stand up.
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Walk around the room.
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Step outside for a few minutes.
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Stretch.
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You don't need a workout.
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You're simply getting your body moving to get some of your energy flowing again.
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And as you move, use your senses to reconnect with what's around you.
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Look around and name a few things you see.
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Notice what you hear.
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Rub your hands together and feel them making contact, or notice the temperature of the air on your skin.
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And feel free to talk your way back into connection.
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"I see that tree.
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Oh, that flower is beautiful.
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Oh, I can hear the birds.
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It's cooler out here than I thought." I know it might sound a little silly, but you're deliberately bringing your attention back to what's happening here right now.
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And sometimes what you need is connection with another person.
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Walk into the other room and talk to your spouse.
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Call a friend.
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Say hello to a coworker.
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You don't necessarily have to talk about the problem.
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Sometimes simply connecting with another person helps you come out of that disconnected place.
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Again, you're not trying to force yourself to snap out of it.
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You're gently bringing enough energy, awareness, and connection back into your system so you have more capacity to think clearly and choose what to do next.
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Then you can come back to the message.
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Are you ready to make the call?
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Maybe you are, or maybe you realize,"I'm too depleted to have this conversation well right now.
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I'm going to text and say I'll call in an hour." That's the difference between a reaction and a choice.
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So how do you know when you're ready to go back to the problem?
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You don't have to wait until you feel completely calm.
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Remember, you're not trying to be a Buddhist monk.
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You're looking for enough capacity to think clearly and have a choice.
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Can you read it without immediately jumping to the worst-case scenario?
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Can you make the call without needing the other person to make your anxiety go away?
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Can you listen to what they have to say before deciding what needs to happen?
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Or if you've been shut down, do you have enough energy and connection to actually engage in the conversation instead of wanting to escape it?
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That's regulation, not the absence of anxiety or stress, but enough capacity to respond in a way that's aligned with who you are, what matters to you, and how you want to show up.
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And sometimes you'll regulate yourself and still be anxious.
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Sometimes you'll make the call and hear something you really don't want to hear.
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Regulation doesn't solve the problem.
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It gives you more capacity to deal with the problem.
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And one last thing, don't turn this into one more thing that you have to get right.
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I want to invite you to see this as a practice.
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This isn't something you try once and then never forget.
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It's something you practice again and again, the path back to more clarity and emotional regulation won't feel exactly the same every time.
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What helps you today will be a little different from what helps you next week.
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But with practice, you can get better at noticing what's happening in you, recognizing what you need, and finding your way back to a place where you have more clarity and choice, I hope you join me tomorrow for my mini episode, Creating Calm in the Wild.
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I'm going to tell you about something that happened recently in my own life that had my nervous system moving up and down, not just for a day, but for many weeks after, and how I realized that what helped me in one state wasn't what I needed in another.
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Thanks for listening to Creating Midlife Calm.