Atsuko Okatsuka

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What's the best way to pay you back?
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ZipPay.
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ZipPay?
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Yeah, in your banking app.
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We're not with the same bank.
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Doesn't matter whether you're with AIB, Bank of Ireland or PTSB.
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Eligible personal customers only.
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Minimum age limits apply. Terms and conditions apply.
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Allied Irish Banks PLC, Bank of Ireland and Permanent ESB PLC,
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Trading as PTSB are regulated by the Central Bank of Ireland.
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Hi, I'm Atsuko Akatsuka. And I feel honored and a
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little suspicious about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
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Now, where does this suspicion come from?
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It's too good to be true.
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It's really not when you get to know me.
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Fall is here, hear the yell.
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Back to school, ring the bell Brand new shoes, walking
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blues Climb the fence, books and pens.
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I can tell that we are gonna be.
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Friends Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
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Hey there, welcome to Conor O'Brien Needs a Friend. Joined,
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as always, by Sonam Obsession.
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Hello.
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And, wow. Hello. Hello.
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You sounded Australian.
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Hello.
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Hello. And Matt Gourley. And I'm happy I've got a
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bubblegum cigarette. It's cool. Yeah.
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And it puffs like candy puffs cigarette.
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Yeah, it's got a little powdered sugar in it. David Hopping,
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from my birthday, gave me a bunch of boxes of,
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candy cigarettes. And yeah, it looks like smoke's coming out
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because you blow a little powdered sugar. But sometimes I
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have them hanging out of my lip. They're just up
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in my office. And he sent, he gave me a
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lot of them. I'll be honest with you.
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Do you think you look cool?
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I think I look super cool.
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I think you do kind of look cool.
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Yeah.
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And you know, I mean, I'm always kind of fascinated
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with smoking. Yeah, me too. Because it would be a
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great prop. It'd be a great thing to have. Also,
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I like all the accoutrement to go with a cigarette.
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Yeah.
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You know, the really cool lighters and maybe that little
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you know, Art Deco cigarette case.
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The one that stops a bullet.
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Yes.
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Yeah. Yes.
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It's very noir. And I always think. I've never seen
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a movie. I always think. Yeah. So I've been trying
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to gauge when I can start smoking. Now, listen, let
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me go out of my way to say, people don't smoke.
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You shouldn't smoke. No one smoke. It's bad to smoke.
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But you want to time it with when.
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I want to time it.
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I feel the same about heroin.
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Yeah.
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What?
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I'm serious.
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Yeah.
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Well, you know, people, these amazing experiences and you think,
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I don't know, when I start to get, you know,
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to within a certain amount of time before my clock
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is going to run out.
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Yeah.
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Maybe I'd start smoking and maybe I'd be a really
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cool looking old guy who's smoking and I have a
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really neat, like sort of gold Dunhill lighter from London.
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And I have this little case of cigarettes and I
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pop one. I got one going on the side of
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my lip and it's hanging off right there. And people
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are like, wow, he's really cool. And he's going to
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die very soon because he's old. But what do we think?
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Is that something that's viable? I mean, I don't think
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I'll do it, but.
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It's like if you get diagnosed with something terminal, like
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when you're like 85, 90. Is that what you mean?
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Then you'll start, then you'll take up smoking.
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But the minute you're diagnosed with something like that, they're like,
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you know, no, this medicine we're giving you, there's still
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a chance. They never say you're through. They always say
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there's still a chance.
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I want my doctor to say you've got exactly a week.
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Here's some heroin.
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Go for it.
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The doctor's giving you heroin?
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Well, my doctor. I want my doctor to say you
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have 45 years left, but this won't really kick in
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for 55 years if you smoke these unfiltered. So, you
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know what I mean? So I get to enjoy smoking
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a cigarette for a really long time.
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I see. Okay.
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And trust me, I think I would hate inhaling smoke.
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What I basically do want is a more convincing bubblegum cigarette. Okay.
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And I want a lighter. It puts a little extra
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sugar powder on my cigarette.
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It caramelizes it.
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It caramelizes my bubblegum cigarette.
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To smoke, you just want the accessories that come with smoking.
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That's what he's saying, yeah.
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I know, but it's like, you don't actually want to
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take up smoking.
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I want, though, something hanging out of my lip that
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I can play around with, do little tricks. I can
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blow smoke rings.
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Just get some wheat.
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What? Wheat?
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I don't know.
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Wait, wheat?
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Or a toothpick.
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Toothpick doesn't wheat. Oh, that's the same. Yeah, I love
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it if all my noir detective movies had Humphrey Bogart
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chewing on some wheat. It's the opposite effect. Yeah. And
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he's like, of all the dames to walk into my place,
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she walks into mine. Look at those gams. Chomp, chomp, chomp.
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What is he, a horse? I could walk away the hours.
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I'm just thinking other things that could hang out of
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your mouth. That can be acceptable.
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Yeah.
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And the first image that came to my mind was
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wheat that a farmer does.
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A rutabaga?
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No, a toothpick.
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I think a toothpick's cool.
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Yeah, that doesn't match. Stick really looks like you're trying hard.
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Yeah.
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Well, so you think heroin for you? I mean, we're talking.
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And again, this is we're telling people you can't do
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these things. These things are terrible. We're just talking about.
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When you've got a very short amount of time left,
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what are the things we would do?
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I've never done hard drugs, but I would love when
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I'm at death's door to know what heroin feels like
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because everybody that talks about it, every movie I've seen.
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No, no, no. It's all, I don't think so.
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You don't think heroin is a magical experience? Haven't you
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seen Trainspotting?
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You go through a toilet. It did not end well.
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I just know that it looked- Haven't you ever seen
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Requiem for a Dream? The only thing looked disgusting.
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That's what I'm saying.
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You're the only guy that looks at train spotting as aspirational.
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Wow.
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I could hang out in a really grimy Scottish bathroom.
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With a bunch of skinheads.
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No, I'm talking about the upswing of heroin and you
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have none of the bad stuff after because you're dead
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of natural causes anyway.
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Okay, this is so dark. I want to just be
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the voice of reason and say I have a bubblegum
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cigarette and I think there's nothing cooler than that. Oh,
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I'm talking about bubblegum heroin. Oh, okay. I don't know
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what I would do.
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I can't think of anything that I'm like, I want
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to try that.
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You mean just before you go?
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Yeah.
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I think if you were told you had maybe a
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month to live, you would say, I want a whole
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room filled with hummus. Don't you think? Because you love hummus.
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I could do that now.
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It's good for you.
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It's garbanzo beans.
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No, but a whole room?
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Yes, I want a whole room. But also, no, it
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wouldn't be hummus.
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It would be like just all the bad food you're
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not supposed to eat.
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All the steaks, all the candy, all the chocolate.
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But you know what? No one does that. No one
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does it.
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On death row, they do when they get their last meal.
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Fried chicken.
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You are dark today. Look at you go. You're very
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a dark, dark blend today.
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You really are.
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Heroin. And also, you.
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Thought about this. You had heroin in your back pocket.
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What about this? What if there was a restaurant called
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Death Row? And you go and there's different cells instead
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of tables and you order your last meal and you
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can say whatever you want. And it's like, I want
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fried chicken. I want a triple cheeseburger. I want this.
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And they bring you a very high quality version of
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those things. And then a priest comes in and sits
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with you. And then you're led out, but instead of
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to the electric chair, it's to your car where a
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valet hands you the key. That is so fucked up.
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This is brilliant. That's a great idea.
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He's dark? You're talking about.
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Mine's a restaurant.
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He's talking about death. I'm talking about a good meal.
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Everybody gets morphine on the way out, mostly, if you
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die in a hospital anyway.
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What is wrong with you?
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I would.
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You know what?
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I really want to try morphine one day.
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That's Halloween.
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Okay, you know what?
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Guess what? Your restaurant's called Hospice. Good luck with that.
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Mine's called Death Row. It's a huge deal. It's going
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to be on Melrose in Los Angeles. Everyone's going to go.
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I once had an idea for a restaurant called Resta Room.
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It's a regular restaurant, but everybody sits at an open toilet.
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What?
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No, but why?
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Oh, my God.
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It's not real.
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Girls. It's just a joke. But wait, how does it work?
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It's called Resta Room.
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Yeah.
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You get your meal.
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And your chair is a toilet. And so you don't
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have to go to the bathroom.
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You don't have to excuse. Are you sitting there with
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your pants around your ankles?
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You're laughing so hard.
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Are you sitting there with your pants around your ankles?
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If you like. Sure.
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If you like.
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If you like?
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Are you shitty? He had to say it's not real,
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by the way.
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Yeah.
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Caveat, it doesn't exist yet.
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You two are the worst restaurant tours.
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You're with us in this.
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No, mine is like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. My idea
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of what I want to do before I die is
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Willy Wonka.
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Okay.
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Yours is smoking. Yours is heroin. Which one is the
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sunniest one out of all of these?
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I'd like to end on my idea for a restaurant,
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Death Row.
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Okay.
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This is my idea. I know people listening right now
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are rushing.
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It's a good idea.
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It's a really good idea.
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You've got to have a hell of a food stock
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and chef.
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It's like the Cheesecake Factory.
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It's like the Cheesecake Factory. It's got a menu that big.
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And I think you call ahead so they can get
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it all ready. You call ahead. This is a very
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expensive restaurant.
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But like, I would want like In-N-Out cheeseburgers.
264
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Exactly.
265
00:09:37.690 --> 00:09:39.389
Can I call them and they would bring in food.
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From another place? They take care of everything. They take
267
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care of everything. Okay.
268
00:09:42.169 --> 00:09:42.789
Yeah. Yeah.
269
00:09:42.850 --> 00:09:44.309
But you have to wear prison overalls.
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And you're in a cell.
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And the priest is, I don't care what your religion is,
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it's a Catholic priest because that's what's in the movies.
273
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And that's non-negotiable.
274
00:09:50.769 --> 00:09:52.090
And there's a series of.
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Phones from the governor, from the DA, and all on
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the wall.
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00:09:54.929 --> 00:09:57.460
Yeah, and all the bad news comes in. Nope, nope,
278
00:09:57.700 --> 00:10:00.440
the governor went to bed. Yeah, it's not going to happen. Yeah,
279
00:10:00.480 --> 00:10:02.500
and then you get your really good meal. And then
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they lead you. Uh-oh. Oh, you know what it is?
281
00:10:05.000 --> 00:10:07.000
It is an electric chair or a gas chamber. And
282
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then at the last second, you veer away from that,
283
00:10:11.159 --> 00:10:13.240
and it's the valet parking. And you get a little
284
00:10:13.279 --> 00:10:13.740
doggy bag.
285
00:10:13.779 --> 00:10:14.639
That's a great idea.
286
00:10:14.659 --> 00:10:16.659
Or it's the gas chamber, and you sit on it.
287
00:10:16.759 --> 00:10:18.039
It's an open toilet. Oh.
288
00:10:18.509 --> 00:10:21.600
And say we're back in business. We're back in business.
289
00:10:21.879 --> 00:10:23.539
All roads lead back to toilets.
290
00:10:23.620 --> 00:10:25.340
I just remembered we have a guest.
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00:10:25.399 --> 00:10:26.539
A big toilet guy.
292
00:10:26.580 --> 00:10:27.360
Who's our guest today?
293
00:10:27.659 --> 00:10:31.259
My guest today, thanks for asking, is a hilarious comedian
294
00:10:31.299 --> 00:10:34.860
whose stand-up special, Father, is available to stream on Hulu
295
00:10:35.019 --> 00:10:40.200
and Disney +. She's incredibly talented. She's amazing. I cannot
296
00:10:40.279 --> 00:10:42.220
wait to speak with her today.
297
00:10:42.240 --> 00:10:42.379
Welcome.
298
00:10:42.460 --> 00:10:55.049
Welcome. I have been aware of your work, which I
299
00:10:55.070 --> 00:10:57.190
think is fantastic, for a while. And then we met
300
00:10:57.309 --> 00:10:59.490
outside a comedy club in Los Angeles.
301
00:10:59.549 --> 00:11:00.269
What a blessing.
302
00:11:00.509 --> 00:11:02.309
On the street. And we were just talking about what
303
00:11:02.330 --> 00:11:04.879
a great experience that is. I was getting ready for
304
00:11:04.889 --> 00:11:07.820
the Oscars, and so I was hitting all these out-of-the-way clubs.
305
00:11:08.279 --> 00:11:10.840
And we were outside the Elysian. Is that right?
306
00:11:10.919 --> 00:11:12.279
That's right. The Elysian Theater.
307
00:11:12.629 --> 00:11:17.289
Elysian Theater. And when you stand on the sidewalk in
308
00:11:17.330 --> 00:11:20.220
Los Angeles, this is what's unique about Los Angeles. Any
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other place you stand on the sidewalk. But if you're
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00:11:21.899 --> 00:11:24.740
on the sidewalk in Los Angeles, people think that you're
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unmedicated and dangerous. So, I mean, it's just so weird.
312
00:11:29.169 --> 00:11:31.769
But there was just all these comedians standing around. I
313
00:11:31.789 --> 00:11:36.250
was talking to them. All unwell. All unwell, including myself.
314
00:11:36.269 --> 00:11:38.440
All of us peeing on ourselves. Who are we, dogs?
315
00:11:40.220 --> 00:11:41.960
People are like, on the sidewalk?
316
00:11:42.759 --> 00:11:43.740
They don't have cars?
317
00:11:43.799 --> 00:11:45.059
Yeah, people were staring.
318
00:11:45.100 --> 00:11:48.279
If you walk in Los Angeles, there have been occasions
319
00:11:48.370 --> 00:11:51.909
where you park your car and then you walk a
320
00:11:52.009 --> 00:11:55.840
couple of blocks to... the pharmacy, and if people see
321
00:11:55.899 --> 00:11:59.679
you walking in L.A., the assumption is something's very wrong.
322
00:11:59.860 --> 00:12:04.019
Yeah, Conan's going through a breakup. Conan's, you know what
323
00:12:04.360 --> 00:12:06.919
I mean? I always tell my husband, like, because sometimes
324
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he'll be like, I'll go on a walk. I say,
325
00:12:08.730 --> 00:12:12.230
on a walk? We don't do walks. You know, we're
326
00:12:12.490 --> 00:12:16.830
very pale, and we're like nighttime people, and we've tried nature,
327
00:12:16.909 --> 00:12:20.789
but it's... Nature is hard. Nature is hard for us
328
00:12:20.870 --> 00:12:23.279
because we're very, like... We tried it. We went to
329
00:12:23.320 --> 00:12:25.620
like Joshua Tree, you know, because we got inspired by
330
00:12:25.679 --> 00:12:28.860
other people's Instagram posts. And while we were out there
331
00:12:28.980 --> 00:12:31.759
in nature, we were like, oh, no, we ran out
332
00:12:31.830 --> 00:12:34.850
of things to talk about. Yeah. Right. Things like that. Anyway,
333
00:12:34.889 --> 00:12:36.990
so I said, don't go too far. People might think
334
00:12:37.029 --> 00:12:39.289
we broke up. And so that's kind of the thing.
335
00:12:40.049 --> 00:12:42.529
But I love that you describe nature like it's a
336
00:12:42.590 --> 00:12:47.450
dangerous medication. It's so scary. I tried nature once, and
337
00:12:47.929 --> 00:12:49.169
I really didn't like it.
338
00:12:49.879 --> 00:12:54.019
Conan, it's just you and your thoughts for hours, possibly.
339
00:12:54.480 --> 00:12:55.100
You know what I mean?
340
00:12:55.120 --> 00:12:57.720
You're like, oh, you know, how long can I touch
341
00:12:57.759 --> 00:13:00.440
grass for? And so I'm like, okay, I've felt it.
342
00:13:01.500 --> 00:13:04.850
And now it's back to my thoughts. It's terrifying.
343
00:13:04.870 --> 00:13:07.409
You don't go into nature and then just touch grass.
344
00:13:07.710 --> 00:13:10.330
You don't kneel down and touch grass with your forefinger.
345
00:13:10.350 --> 00:13:11.250
What do they mean by it?
346
00:13:11.710 --> 00:13:15.370
What do they mean, touch grass? I say, okay, and? Like,
347
00:13:15.450 --> 00:13:16.269
there's a trap.
348
00:13:16.590 --> 00:13:18.009
No, okay.
349
00:13:18.090 --> 00:13:19.070
How long?
350
00:13:19.129 --> 00:13:22.200
I'm going to tell you right now, as your friend
351
00:13:22.320 --> 00:13:23.919
and your physician, I'm going to tell you right now,
352
00:13:25.200 --> 00:13:27.299
you're never to go, and you're a botanist, you're never
353
00:13:27.320 --> 00:13:29.539
to go in nature again. I don't think any amount
354
00:13:29.559 --> 00:13:31.100
of talking to you is going to make this a
355
00:13:31.139 --> 00:13:32.000
healthy experience.
356
00:13:32.220 --> 00:13:34.139
You said you're not supposed to go and just touch grass.
357
00:13:34.899 --> 00:13:35.879
No, you're just supposed to.
358
00:13:35.879 --> 00:13:38.720
Be in it and walk around and breathe the air
359
00:13:38.820 --> 00:13:41.980
and let it sort of gradually. It's not a thing
360
00:13:42.019 --> 00:13:45.759
you accomplish. You have a very sort of type A
361
00:13:45.830 --> 00:13:47.970
approach to I'm going to go into nature. Now, you're
362
00:13:47.990 --> 00:13:50.809
talking to someone and listening to someone who also doesn't
363
00:13:50.850 --> 00:13:53.549
go into nature. So I don't know what I'm talking about.
364
00:13:53.769 --> 00:13:55.690
I am not. I should not be your spirit animal
365
00:13:55.750 --> 00:13:56.169
on this one.
366
00:13:56.309 --> 00:13:59.049
Do you think what is it? You don't have time
367
00:13:59.110 --> 00:14:00.769
maybe to go into nature or.
368
00:14:00.850 --> 00:14:02.509
I think I too. I think we have a lot
369
00:14:02.549 --> 00:14:04.590
in common. I think we have a lot in common.
370
00:14:04.690 --> 00:14:07.009
And I know from your story and from listening to
371
00:14:07.049 --> 00:14:09.169
your comedy, we have a lot in common. One thing
372
00:14:09.220 --> 00:14:11.139
we don't have in common is you walked into our
373
00:14:11.200 --> 00:14:14.440
place on Larchmont here just minutes ago. And I'm stunned.
374
00:14:14.720 --> 00:14:18.519
You look perfect. Doesn't she look perfect? No, you really do.
375
00:14:18.620 --> 00:14:23.730
You're very beautiful, but you're also, what you're wearing, I mean,
376
00:14:24.690 --> 00:14:25.470
it's all perfect.
377
00:14:25.990 --> 00:14:26.230
Me?
378
00:14:26.429 --> 00:14:27.070
You, yes.
379
00:14:27.090 --> 00:14:27.649
Me and Byte?
380
00:14:29.580 --> 00:14:33.259
Mid-bite. Mid-bite? I love that.
381
00:14:33.399 --> 00:14:34.149
This is just me.
382
00:14:34.159 --> 00:14:34.840
You're being all.
383
00:14:34.860 --> 00:14:35.700
Just naturally.
384
00:14:35.919 --> 00:14:37.259
Oh, that's how you rolled out of bed?
385
00:14:37.279 --> 00:14:38.360
Oh, you.
386
00:14:38.799 --> 00:14:38.960
Oh.
387
00:14:39.740 --> 00:14:42.139
I'm just celebrating. I'm just here celebrating.
388
00:14:42.279 --> 00:14:45.799
Oh, my God. I'm just having cake and what? Oh,
389
00:14:45.860 --> 00:14:47.100
I don't even know what I'm wearing.
390
00:14:47.120 --> 00:14:49.220
Sweetie, I was just here celebrating your birthday.
391
00:14:51.059 --> 00:14:52.000
Shona, back me up here.
392
00:14:52.019 --> 00:14:52.399
You invited me.
393
00:14:52.399 --> 00:14:53.039
I know, it's true.
394
00:14:53.070 --> 00:14:57.250
But you always, you have such a colorful aesthetic.
395
00:14:57.450 --> 00:15:01.450
You have cheesed earrings. I'm just, I'm obsessed of everything
396
00:15:01.470 --> 00:15:02.370
about your appearance.
397
00:15:02.669 --> 00:15:05.669
And the outfit is just kind of perfection. It's cool.
398
00:15:05.690 --> 00:15:07.730
And the lines are, I mean, you clearly, this is
399
00:15:08.250 --> 00:15:11.799
how you present yourself is important to you. I'm look
400
00:15:11.820 --> 00:15:15.830
like I'm in treatment for alcoholism. I'm just wearing a.
401
00:15:16.169 --> 00:15:17.700
And sweetie, that's a brand too.
402
00:15:17.899 --> 00:15:18.799
Yeah.
403
00:15:18.820 --> 00:15:19.720
That's also a brand.
404
00:15:19.779 --> 00:15:22.370
Well, I don't want to, I'd like to, I like
405
00:15:22.399 --> 00:15:25.590
to dress well. But then you do this podcast, we
406
00:15:25.610 --> 00:15:28.110
end up talking about diarrhea half the time. So I'm
407
00:15:28.129 --> 00:15:29.690
not going to put on a nice tie. Gesture to
408
00:15:29.730 --> 00:15:32.070
me when you said diarrhea. Well, because you usually take
409
00:15:32.129 --> 00:15:33.549
us down that road. I do, I do. It's your
410
00:15:33.600 --> 00:15:34.100
favorite topic.
411
00:15:34.120 --> 00:15:37.779
Y'all are so silly because you all have very specific
412
00:15:38.519 --> 00:15:40.659
brands that are so iconic.
413
00:15:40.779 --> 00:15:41.440
What are we talking about here?
414
00:15:41.460 --> 00:15:42.659
Aesthetically, yes.
415
00:15:43.100 --> 00:15:47.360
I think aesthetically, something that makes a person iconic is
416
00:15:47.679 --> 00:15:49.639
can someone draw you very well?
417
00:15:49.799 --> 00:15:50.379
And yes, absolutely.
418
00:15:50.590 --> 00:15:51.429
Literally, you know.
419
00:15:51.450 --> 00:15:53.529
We're good caricatures already. That's right, yeah.
420
00:15:53.549 --> 00:15:54.049
That's true.
421
00:15:54.309 --> 00:15:56.649
I kind of, in like a silhouette, like the Simpsons,
422
00:15:56.710 --> 00:16:00.769
you know, in the dark, we see Sona's hair, your hairstyle,
423
00:16:00.860 --> 00:16:03.240
you know. Your glasses would probably be prominent.
424
00:16:03.440 --> 00:16:04.179
You know what I mean?
425
00:16:04.200 --> 00:16:05.059
Like, I've thought about this.
426
00:16:05.080 --> 00:16:06.740
David has his own brand of glasses.
427
00:16:06.779 --> 00:16:10.019
Yeah, y'all are very aesthetically icons, too.
428
00:16:10.299 --> 00:16:12.659
The one thing that you and I have in common
429
00:16:12.940 --> 00:16:18.639
is we both have very distinctive hairstyles or haircuts. That's right, yeah.
430
00:16:19.250 --> 00:16:21.669
Not today. Today, I didn't think about it much, but
431
00:16:21.970 --> 00:16:25.230
usually I'm sporting this kooky wave thing in my hair.
432
00:16:25.250 --> 00:16:25.490
I don't know.
433
00:16:25.509 --> 00:16:28.789
It looks like a swoop. Defying gravity. It's a swoop.
434
00:16:28.830 --> 00:16:30.169
It's a swoop.
435
00:16:30.289 --> 00:16:30.750
There you go.
436
00:16:30.809 --> 00:16:31.269
I tried.
437
00:16:31.549 --> 00:16:36.309
Thank you. Is everyone okay? No, I'm sterile now. But
438
00:16:36.450 --> 00:16:43.500
you have this very cool bowl haircut as worn originally
439
00:16:43.539 --> 00:16:46.139
by Moe and the Three Stooges, and it's fantastic.
440
00:16:46.299 --> 00:16:46.840
It's perfect.
441
00:16:47.320 --> 00:16:50.600
And it's very intentional on your part. Is that true?
442
00:16:51.320 --> 00:16:51.580
It is.
443
00:16:51.720 --> 00:16:54.200
Yeah, it is. This is how your hair was when
444
00:16:54.240 --> 00:16:54.899
you were very young?
445
00:16:55.539 --> 00:16:57.879
This was, you know, me when I was very young.
446
00:16:58.009 --> 00:17:01.330
A lot of kids were cursed with this haircut, they
447
00:17:01.370 --> 00:17:03.809
would say, as a kid, right? My parents made me
448
00:17:03.850 --> 00:17:05.650
do the bowl cut. They put a bowl on me.
449
00:17:05.710 --> 00:17:09.299
Is this part of the culture specific? Is that what
450
00:17:09.319 --> 00:17:09.599
you're saying?
451
00:17:09.869 --> 00:17:11.509
I guess a lot of Asian kids had it, but
452
00:17:11.569 --> 00:17:15.289
also I've met a lot of people across cultures who come,
453
00:17:15.670 --> 00:17:18.190
you know, with stories about how they had it too.
454
00:17:18.349 --> 00:17:18.569
Right.
455
00:17:18.750 --> 00:17:21.470
I think this is also very like before Mo from
456
00:17:21.509 --> 00:17:25.490
the Three Stooges, friars. Yes. Also really.
457
00:17:25.509 --> 00:17:27.930
Friar Tuck. That's right. And, you know, and yeah, monks
458
00:17:28.380 --> 00:17:29.640
would have the bowl haircut. And you know what I
459
00:17:29.630 --> 00:17:30.299
associate it with?
460
00:17:30.559 --> 00:17:30.799
Ease.
461
00:17:31.240 --> 00:17:34.539
It's easy to give a bowl haircut. My mom had
462
00:17:34.579 --> 00:17:38.140
the Sears and Roebuck haircutting kit. There's six kids. She'd
463
00:17:38.200 --> 00:17:41.460
line us up. in outside the kitchen and one at
464
00:17:41.509 --> 00:17:44.309
a time would jump up into like a high chair
465
00:17:44.710 --> 00:17:47.710
and right across. So all the photos of me that
466
00:17:47.750 --> 00:17:50.089
you've seen when I'm a kid, that's right. Bangs just
467
00:17:50.210 --> 00:17:52.309
bang straight across.
468
00:17:52.069 --> 00:17:55.380
Icon and style icon.
469
00:17:55.400 --> 00:17:58.529
But I do think if any culture is doing it,
470
00:17:58.599 --> 00:18:01.099
it's because especially with kids, it's easy.
471
00:18:01.400 --> 00:18:01.759
That's right.
472
00:18:01.779 --> 00:18:04.099
They probably just like snip, snip, snip, snip. You're done.
473
00:18:04.460 --> 00:18:04.680
Sure.
474
00:18:05.019 --> 00:18:07.440
That's why they do it with kids. But Most kids
475
00:18:07.680 --> 00:18:09.769
at certain point when they can take control of their
476
00:18:09.809 --> 00:18:11.630
own look, reject the bowl haircut.
477
00:18:11.730 --> 00:18:12.049
It's true.
478
00:18:12.089 --> 00:18:13.990
You decided not to go that way.
479
00:18:14.369 --> 00:18:17.109
Yeah, because I said, if I'm going to be the
480
00:18:17.250 --> 00:18:20.920
weirdo self that I am on the inside, maybe, you know,
481
00:18:21.000 --> 00:18:23.259
I'll just show it on the outside so that people
482
00:18:23.319 --> 00:18:24.380
will know immediately.
483
00:18:24.579 --> 00:18:24.799
Right.
484
00:18:25.079 --> 00:18:26.299
Okay. You're safe?
485
00:18:27.019 --> 00:18:28.680
Maybe. You're a weirdo.
486
00:18:28.700 --> 00:18:32.009
You're a fellow weirdo like me. And you didn't have
487
00:18:32.049 --> 00:18:35.130
to conform to... I still get a lot of messages
488
00:18:35.430 --> 00:18:38.440
once in a while from guys who are like, you
489
00:18:38.460 --> 00:18:41.190
would be more attractive if you would just... do the
490
00:18:41.210 --> 00:18:44.599
long hair thing, you know? And it's like, well, there
491
00:18:44.619 --> 00:18:45.900
were a lot of times in my life where I
492
00:18:45.940 --> 00:18:47.900
felt like a bit of an outsider or a freak,
493
00:18:47.940 --> 00:18:51.660
you know? And it's like embracing that all the things that,
494
00:18:51.769 --> 00:18:53.470
you know, I didn't, I was like, Oh no, this
495
00:18:53.509 --> 00:18:56.329
makes me look like such a, I can't make friends
496
00:18:56.369 --> 00:18:58.069
with this haircut, you know? And now I just want
497
00:18:58.089 --> 00:19:00.009
to embrace it and let people know like, yeah, let
498
00:19:00.049 --> 00:19:03.640
your freak. Is it freak flag fly? Yeah. Oh, what
499
00:19:03.660 --> 00:19:04.420
a tongue twister.
500
00:19:05.539 --> 00:19:08.900
Freak flag? Yeah. It can go dirty so quickly if
501
00:19:08.920 --> 00:19:10.099
you say it quickly. You know what I mean?
502
00:19:10.140 --> 00:19:11.619
Freak flag fly. Like that?
503
00:19:11.809 --> 00:19:14.869
There's other F words get, you know, I'm just saying
504
00:19:14.930 --> 00:19:16.670
it can easily, if you say it really quickly, it's
505
00:19:16.690 --> 00:19:18.049
one of those things that if I was on the
506
00:19:18.230 --> 00:19:20.809
air live and I had to say freak flag fly
507
00:19:20.869 --> 00:19:22.170
really quickly, I'd be nervous.
508
00:19:22.569 --> 00:19:22.890
Oh, okay.
509
00:19:22.910 --> 00:19:23.329
You know what I mean?
510
00:19:23.349 --> 00:19:26.089
I thought you meant sexually freak flag, like your kink.
511
00:19:26.230 --> 00:19:27.430
Well, that's my, I meant that, yes.
512
00:19:27.750 --> 00:19:30.210
Is that the saying? Is the saying more about sexual
513
00:19:30.289 --> 00:19:33.089
stuff than... Like being a weirdo?
514
00:19:33.329 --> 00:19:34.690
I think it could go either way.
515
00:19:34.710 --> 00:19:35.299
It could be any way.
516
00:19:35.309 --> 00:19:36.150
It could be any way.
517
00:19:36.170 --> 00:19:36.619
Yeah.
518
00:19:36.799 --> 00:19:39.559
Any freak, any flag of any freak can fly.
519
00:19:39.579 --> 00:19:40.039
Yeah.
520
00:19:40.140 --> 00:19:40.859
In any way.
521
00:19:40.960 --> 00:19:42.799
In any capacity. This is really helpful, Sona. You're welcome.
522
00:19:42.819 --> 00:19:43.579
Thank you so much.
523
00:19:43.599 --> 00:19:45.809
Thank you. Any flag you have that's freaky, fly it.
524
00:19:45.829 --> 00:19:48.089
Yeah. And no one knows more about a freak flag
525
00:19:48.109 --> 00:19:48.950
flying than Sona.
526
00:19:48.970 --> 00:19:49.170
Yeah.
527
00:19:49.230 --> 00:19:49.470
Let's go.
528
00:19:50.009 --> 00:19:52.450
And that's a compliment. You are very comfortable in your
529
00:19:52.490 --> 00:19:56.029
own skin and you're happy just saying whatever stuff you've
530
00:19:56.049 --> 00:19:59.920
been up to, be it uh, legal, illegal, uh, cool,
531
00:20:00.079 --> 00:20:01.299
dangerously wrong.
532
00:20:01.319 --> 00:20:06.380
She's like, how did this turn into a diarrhea thing?
533
00:20:06.460 --> 00:20:08.769
And now it's, I'm a freak. It lets my flag fly.
534
00:20:08.829 --> 00:20:10.809
Let's get the focus back on Osco. If you don't mind,
535
00:20:11.069 --> 00:20:14.589
I'm happy, happy to freak by fly diarrhea lady over here,
536
00:20:14.910 --> 00:20:16.990
but that's not important. The important, very sweet.
537
00:20:17.089 --> 00:20:20.190
I think what you do is, um, you know, cause you've,
538
00:20:20.880 --> 00:20:23.900
Sometimes I'm like, oh, Conan, like, this is a similarity
539
00:20:23.960 --> 00:20:25.940
I think maybe we have. I'm not sure. I might
540
00:20:25.960 --> 00:20:27.619
be putting it on you. But, like, you don't want
541
00:20:27.680 --> 00:20:30.680
anyone to feel like an outsider, too. And so, I
542
00:20:30.720 --> 00:20:33.059
don't know. I feel like you just sensed me being like, oh,
543
00:20:33.079 --> 00:20:35.269
I don't know how the saying goes. English isn't my
544
00:20:35.289 --> 00:20:38.930
first language. And you're like, you, Sona, you're a freak. Yes.
545
00:20:38.990 --> 00:20:39.670
You're crazy.
546
00:20:39.869 --> 00:20:43.049
You do that. And Sona's also a very good, you know,
547
00:20:43.109 --> 00:20:44.069
yes and improv.
548
00:20:44.089 --> 00:20:44.650
Yes, she is.
549
00:20:44.670 --> 00:20:48.390
You know, teammate. So she's like, yes, what are you doing?
550
00:20:48.490 --> 00:20:54.809
And then suddenly no one remembers Sona. Osco doesn't know English. Suddenly, Osco's,
551
00:20:55.329 --> 00:20:59.529
you know, oh, freak flag flies. No one remembers it anymore.
552
00:20:59.569 --> 00:21:02.210
This is the genius of Conan. Thank you so much.
553
00:21:02.259 --> 00:21:03.779
Cut to commercial.
554
00:21:05.960 --> 00:21:09.220
Until you just brought it up, Osco, I did a
555
00:21:09.319 --> 00:21:12.359
very good job of, you know, distracting from your pain
556
00:21:12.519 --> 00:21:14.200
by brutally making fun of Sona.
557
00:21:14.240 --> 00:21:14.819
That's right.
558
00:21:19.210 --> 00:21:22.380
You know the idea you can't stop thinking about? The
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566
00:21:43.559 --> 00:21:46.140
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567
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Good nights are about the people. The laughs. The real
568
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moments you don't want to miss. So why step outside?
569
00:22:02.109 --> 00:22:05.410
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570
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572
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573
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and addictive substance. If you're new to Velo, start with Mellow.
574
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You should not use this product if you do not
575
00:22:18.519 --> 00:22:19.299
already use nicotine.
576
00:22:21.019 --> 00:22:21.740
The KCR.
577
00:22:22.180 --> 00:22:24.039
If ever there was a place in dire need of
578
00:22:24.059 --> 00:22:27.849
an avocado scanner, it's here. So we've put one in
579
00:22:27.880 --> 00:22:30.549
the new spa. No longer will locals have to merely
580
00:22:30.750 --> 00:22:34.630
guess the ripeness of their avocados. Not into avos? Well,
581
00:22:34.710 --> 00:22:38.509
there's bravado coffee, a deli, and a Subway too. Under
582
00:22:38.549 --> 00:22:39.269
the tree at.
583
00:22:39.210 --> 00:22:47.630
The new spa KCR. We have a lot of commonalities.
584
00:22:47.710 --> 00:22:50.579
It's not just the hares. I watch your comedy and
585
00:22:50.640 --> 00:22:55.670
I see how all of your instincts are to put
586
00:22:55.710 --> 00:22:58.890
people at ease. That seems to be very important to you.
587
00:22:59.490 --> 00:23:03.730
And I love the way you talk to an audience
588
00:23:03.769 --> 00:23:05.799
and get involved with an audience. You're so good at it.
589
00:23:06.329 --> 00:23:08.759
And kind of shining a light on what's the funny
590
00:23:08.779 --> 00:23:11.680
thing that's happening here without hurting someone's feelings, which I
591
00:23:11.720 --> 00:23:13.099
think is kind of a superpower.
592
00:23:13.500 --> 00:23:14.859
Oh, thank you. Yeah. Yeah.
593
00:23:15.160 --> 00:23:15.440
Yeah.
594
00:23:15.920 --> 00:23:18.990
It's like it's all about like, you know, wanting to
595
00:23:19.049 --> 00:23:22.309
be seen and wanting others to feel seen, too. Yeah.
596
00:23:22.509 --> 00:23:24.390
Well, you've done this. I want to make sure I
597
00:23:24.509 --> 00:23:26.150
mention it now and we'll talk about it later, too.
598
00:23:26.210 --> 00:23:29.269
But you have this special on Hulu called Father, which
599
00:23:29.369 --> 00:23:33.049
is delightful and amazing. And it is, you know, up
600
00:23:33.089 --> 00:23:36.589
for Emmy consideration, which it should be. You talk a
601
00:23:36.630 --> 00:23:41.190
lot about your childhood. And there are people that say
602
00:23:41.250 --> 00:23:43.369
comedians that say, well, I had a really strange childhood.
603
00:23:43.390 --> 00:23:44.609
And then you hear about it and you go, yeah,
604
00:23:44.650 --> 00:23:50.990
kind of. Your story is crazily unique and sounds perilous,
605
00:23:51.009 --> 00:23:53.730
but you talk so well about it and you're so
606
00:23:53.849 --> 00:23:58.009
funny about it that sometimes the reality of it can
607
00:23:58.049 --> 00:24:00.190
get a little obscured. And so if you don't mind
608
00:24:00.210 --> 00:24:03.829
just talking about that a little bit, because you're born in,
609
00:24:04.190 --> 00:24:06.960
is it Taiwan? You're born in Taiwan, but you end
610
00:24:07.019 --> 00:24:10.319
up kind of growing up in Japan in your early years, right?
611
00:24:11.400 --> 00:24:13.920
And there's a lot of stuff going on in your family.
612
00:24:14.269 --> 00:24:14.509
Right.
613
00:24:14.640 --> 00:24:14.920
Yeah.
614
00:24:15.250 --> 00:24:18.549
Yeah. So I'm half Taiwanese. I was born in Taiwan.
615
00:24:19.829 --> 00:24:23.670
Day one already. So my dad is Japanese. He stayed
616
00:24:23.710 --> 00:24:28.130
in Japan for my birth. Day one, the first face
617
00:24:28.289 --> 00:24:30.849
I see coming out of my mom. And I don't
618
00:24:30.890 --> 00:24:34.359
remember this, obviously. People were like, oh, I know. I
619
00:24:34.839 --> 00:24:38.200
have my memory starts from day zero. Yeah. Yeah.
620
00:24:38.319 --> 00:24:40.180
I feel like. Well, they're just lying.
621
00:24:41.660 --> 00:24:42.480
It's true.
622
00:24:42.559 --> 00:24:45.660
Or maybe they're like, I did ayahuasca. They're like, and
623
00:24:45.700 --> 00:24:51.990
my past self was two cats. I haven't had the
624
00:24:52.049 --> 00:24:54.450
pleasure of having that kind of image.
625
00:24:54.529 --> 00:24:55.410
I put some in your cake.
626
00:24:55.430 --> 00:24:57.190
You will have.
627
00:24:56.869 --> 00:24:58.369
That image very soon.
628
00:24:58.650 --> 00:24:59.769
I'm feeling dizzy.
629
00:24:59.789 --> 00:25:00.950
Oh, day one.
630
00:25:01.089 --> 00:25:05.730
Oh, we're still on day one. Sorry. So my uncle's
631
00:25:05.769 --> 00:25:07.990
face is the first thing I see because he's helping
632
00:25:08.049 --> 00:25:11.900
my mom get me out of her. Because he's not
633
00:25:11.940 --> 00:25:14.779
a doctor, but he was studying to be an OBGYN.
634
00:25:15.559 --> 00:25:20.539
And my family loves a discount. And so I think
635
00:25:20.559 --> 00:25:23.640
because I was like, what? Why didn't we have like
636
00:25:23.680 --> 00:25:25.900
a real doctor, you know? And so I think that's
637
00:25:25.920 --> 00:25:27.869
why they flew to Taiwan. They loved that there was
638
00:25:27.880 --> 00:25:30.609
going to be a deal. and that it was relative.
639
00:25:30.710 --> 00:25:32.890
You were at a mall? It's not like getting your
640
00:25:32.970 --> 00:25:37.430
ears pierced. Let's go to the birth kiosk. And then
641
00:25:37.450 --> 00:25:39.650
we'll grab an Orange Julius afterwards.
642
00:25:39.710 --> 00:25:44.490
I'm just outside of a Claire's. It was a hospital.
643
00:25:46.190 --> 00:25:49.609
So day one, that's already happening. And I find out
644
00:25:49.650 --> 00:25:52.910
later my dad wasn't there because I guess the relationship
645
00:25:52.950 --> 00:25:56.880
was already rocky. That's, you know, pretty, pretty, pretty early
646
00:25:57.000 --> 00:25:59.700
on me as a me as a baby. And so
647
00:26:00.119 --> 00:26:03.539
three months after that, I we all moved to Japan
648
00:26:03.640 --> 00:26:05.559
to reunite with my dad.
649
00:26:06.839 --> 00:26:07.059
Yeah.
650
00:26:07.180 --> 00:26:11.329
And so my mom, you know, so my mom suffers
651
00:26:11.400 --> 00:26:17.509
from schizophrenia. And my grandma was heavily involved in orchestrating,
652
00:26:17.849 --> 00:26:19.910
you know, my mom and dad meeting because she was like,
653
00:26:20.490 --> 00:26:22.750
it's going to be hard to marry this daughter off,
654
00:26:23.190 --> 00:26:27.619
you know. in Taiwan, maybe we go somewhere kind of far.
655
00:26:27.700 --> 00:26:31.660
Maybe we go to Japan where, you know, my daughter
656
00:26:31.720 --> 00:26:33.980
doesn't really speak the language. And so.
657
00:26:34.519 --> 00:26:39.809
Wait, your grandmother's trying to hide your mom's schizophrenia or
658
00:26:39.930 --> 00:26:40.710
mental issues?
659
00:26:40.849 --> 00:26:42.970
There's mental issues. I think they didn't really know what
660
00:26:42.990 --> 00:26:44.150
was wrong with her, you know?
661
00:26:44.190 --> 00:26:46.769
Right, but she's thinking she'll have a better chance of
662
00:26:46.930 --> 00:26:48.890
marrying if we go to a country where people don't
663
00:26:48.910 --> 00:26:49.490
understand her?
664
00:26:49.509 --> 00:26:53.420
It's kind of like my inkling because I've... Said to grandma,
665
00:26:53.440 --> 00:26:57.779
you know, like, Taiwan's a small country, but, you know,
666
00:26:58.240 --> 00:27:05.329
there's still, like, I think, here's the thing. At the time, right,
667
00:27:05.509 --> 00:27:08.170
a woman in her 30s, single, never had a boyfriend.
668
00:27:08.190 --> 00:27:11.450
They're like, what's wrong with her already too? And so,
669
00:27:11.809 --> 00:27:13.690
you know, I think there were multiple things going on.
670
00:27:13.710 --> 00:27:16.509
Let's just try a different place. Let's just try a
671
00:27:16.539 --> 00:27:19.779
different country. And, you know, she has a hard time
672
00:27:19.799 --> 00:27:23.109
making friends. Something is off about her. You know, so
673
00:27:23.470 --> 00:27:24.670
I think it was a lot of that. And then
674
00:27:24.710 --> 00:27:27.130
so my grandma took the reins and saw in the
675
00:27:27.170 --> 00:27:30.299
newspaper they were doing a speed dating event in Tokyo.
676
00:27:30.519 --> 00:27:33.559
So signed my mom up and went there, you know,
677
00:27:34.019 --> 00:27:37.440
and there was a language barrier. But I think I
678
00:27:37.460 --> 00:27:39.660
like to think that, you know, when there is, though,
679
00:27:39.940 --> 00:27:41.740
all your secrets can't be revealed. Yeah.
680
00:27:41.920 --> 00:27:43.009
You know, yeah.
681
00:27:43.049 --> 00:27:43.140
So.
682
00:27:43.640 --> 00:27:45.900
I mean, your grandmother just sounds like a mastermind.
683
00:27:46.259 --> 00:27:48.079
She's a criminal.
684
00:27:48.279 --> 00:27:49.119
Yeah, she's a criminal.
685
00:27:49.140 --> 00:27:52.170
My grandma, don't get me wrong. She's a criminal. She
686
00:27:52.250 --> 00:27:54.529
also then took me to America.
687
00:27:54.589 --> 00:27:56.650
That's right. You live in Japan for how many years?
688
00:27:56.809 --> 00:27:58.109
I lived there for eight years.
689
00:27:58.170 --> 00:28:00.849
For eight years. And then your grandmother said, And I'm
690
00:28:00.869 --> 00:28:01.910
going to tell your story for you.
691
00:28:01.930 --> 00:28:02.490
Yes, please.
692
00:28:02.789 --> 00:28:06.910
I think more men have to do this for women. Okay. No,
693
00:28:07.019 --> 00:28:08.839
I want to. You should do a one man. Your
694
00:28:08.940 --> 00:28:10.940
next one woman show, I should come out at the
695
00:28:10.980 --> 00:28:13.279
top and just start telling your whole story. I think
696
00:28:13.299 --> 00:28:14.440
people would love that.
697
00:28:14.460 --> 00:28:14.779
Yeah, no.
698
00:28:14.839 --> 00:28:16.559
And then you come out and have me beaten.
699
00:28:17.740 --> 00:28:18.509
You're helping me out.
700
00:28:18.519 --> 00:28:21.619
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm here to mansplain what Oscar went through.
701
00:28:22.579 --> 00:28:26.440
But your grandmother says to you, we're going to take
702
00:28:26.480 --> 00:28:29.549
a trip. And she takes you here to Los Angeles.
703
00:28:29.809 --> 00:28:30.269
Right, yeah.
704
00:28:30.960 --> 00:28:34.519
Then you realize over time she kidnapped me more or less.
705
00:28:34.599 --> 00:28:35.059
Is that true?
706
00:28:35.319 --> 00:28:35.559
Yes.
707
00:28:35.640 --> 00:28:35.940
Yeah.
708
00:28:36.240 --> 00:28:39.700
She said it was a two month vacation to Los Angeles.
709
00:28:39.920 --> 00:28:42.220
And again, she's a liar.
710
00:28:44.559 --> 00:28:45.400
And right.
711
00:28:45.420 --> 00:28:48.700
So we're in Japan. And then suddenly and before, you know,
712
00:28:48.849 --> 00:28:50.809
I'm living with my mom and grandma in Japan, too.
713
00:28:50.890 --> 00:28:52.849
I was living with my dad. He full on had
714
00:28:52.910 --> 00:28:56.369
full custody of me. And then slowly, you know, was like, hey,
715
00:28:56.390 --> 00:28:57.930
what if we spend more time with her?
716
00:28:57.950 --> 00:28:58.549
You know.
717
00:28:58.859 --> 00:29:01.140
Oh, we got an apartment down the street from your place,
718
00:29:01.559 --> 00:29:04.019
you know? And so my dad was like, sure, you know,
719
00:29:04.160 --> 00:29:07.079
he was already raising two other kids of his own
720
00:29:07.339 --> 00:29:12.150
from the previous marriage. So, and then my mom's mental
721
00:29:12.190 --> 00:29:16.589
health declined pretty bad. She was very suicidal in Japan.
722
00:29:16.650 --> 00:29:18.890
And so I think, you know, my grandma was like, okay,
723
00:29:18.910 --> 00:29:23.319
we changed locations again, which, you know, at this point,
724
00:29:23.680 --> 00:29:26.630
I'm like, sweetie, it's not the location, you know? Right?
725
00:29:26.730 --> 00:29:30.559
But I get it. Like, as a single mom for
726
00:29:30.619 --> 00:29:32.819
so long, my grandma was, and then she was also
727
00:29:33.160 --> 00:29:35.220
now helping to raise me. I think she was just
728
00:29:35.259 --> 00:29:39.009
trying to get ahead before the next disaster. So she
729
00:29:39.029 --> 00:29:43.460
contacted my uncle, her son, her other son who lived
730
00:29:43.500 --> 00:29:46.849
in Los Angeles already. hey, do you have any space
731
00:29:46.910 --> 00:29:49.630
for us? I think we're going to try living there.
732
00:29:49.730 --> 00:29:52.539
He's like, we have a garage. She said, that'll do.
733
00:29:53.039 --> 00:29:56.099
And so, yeah, we came here. But she only told
734
00:29:56.140 --> 00:29:57.640
me it was going to be a two-month vacation.
735
00:29:57.660 --> 00:29:59.319
But you end up living for a while in a
736
00:29:59.460 --> 00:30:00.480
really small space.
737
00:30:00.880 --> 00:30:01.460
Right, right.
738
00:30:01.660 --> 00:30:02.779
With your grandmother.
739
00:30:03.140 --> 00:30:03.720
And my mother.
740
00:30:03.779 --> 00:30:07.380
And your mother, who has this very serious mental illness.
741
00:30:08.039 --> 00:30:13.930
And that is such an intense experience already. but probably
742
00:30:14.250 --> 00:30:18.200
contributed to your abilities in comedy in some way, don't
743
00:30:18.220 --> 00:30:18.579
you think?
744
00:30:18.940 --> 00:30:21.220
I think so, for sure, yeah. And a lot of
745
00:30:21.279 --> 00:30:24.099
it comes from, it's not like the sadness of it.
746
00:30:24.480 --> 00:30:27.619
It's really for me, you know, like our need to
747
00:30:27.660 --> 00:30:31.819
make other people laugh. I'm also a people pleaser. You know,
748
00:30:31.900 --> 00:30:34.799
being quick enough to be like, without anyone noticing that like,
749
00:30:35.119 --> 00:30:37.180
what I just did, ha ha ha ha, ta da,
750
00:30:37.559 --> 00:30:39.740
is like mask the fact that maybe this person was
751
00:30:39.779 --> 00:30:43.980
feeling insecure over here. You know, my mom, all my life,
752
00:30:44.109 --> 00:30:47.609
I've seen her suffer right now. You know, even as
753
00:30:47.670 --> 00:30:50.430
we speak, I know where she is, you know. in
754
00:30:50.470 --> 00:30:54.559
her bed, you know, like unable to move that much.
755
00:30:55.140 --> 00:30:58.119
She has seizures too now. And so she doesn't have
756
00:30:58.160 --> 00:31:00.099
any friends, you know, and I get to like tour
757
00:31:00.140 --> 00:31:05.920
and see the world. I get to hang out with icons, legends,
758
00:31:05.980 --> 00:31:06.980
heroes of mine.
759
00:31:07.089 --> 00:31:08.569
You just said that because you don't know our names.
760
00:31:10.549 --> 00:31:12.990
I'm going, I'm here with icons.
761
00:31:13.130 --> 00:31:13.410
Yeah.
762
00:31:13.890 --> 00:31:15.529
That's what I say to the Uber driver when I
763
00:31:15.549 --> 00:31:18.089
forget his name. You're an icon. Icon.
764
00:31:20.789 --> 00:31:21.990
Matthew, was it?
765
00:31:24.690 --> 00:31:27.000
People call me Matthew, sure.
766
00:31:27.079 --> 00:31:29.299
And so, you know, and so it's this that's that's
767
00:31:29.539 --> 00:31:32.900
like my my want to make her feel not so
768
00:31:33.359 --> 00:31:36.309
bummed out. And so like, could you.
769
00:31:36.150 --> 00:31:38.609
Reach her all the time by being funny or outrageous?
770
00:31:38.670 --> 00:31:40.250
Is that the way you could connect with your mom
771
00:31:40.309 --> 00:31:42.529
if she was even in a debilitated state growing up?
772
00:31:43.420 --> 00:31:44.519
Yeah, yeah.
773
00:31:44.680 --> 00:31:47.309
I was honestly afraid of her most of my life,
774
00:31:47.809 --> 00:31:50.910
so I didn't know how to make her laugh, but
775
00:31:50.930 --> 00:31:55.579
I knew how to make... my uncle and aunt laugh
776
00:31:56.059 --> 00:31:58.680
because the family is so intense. You know, we grew up,
777
00:31:59.039 --> 00:32:01.420
so they lived in the front house, but there was like,
778
00:32:01.740 --> 00:32:03.400
at least in the garage, there was no music in
779
00:32:03.460 --> 00:32:06.400
our house. There was no, my mom and grandma didn't
780
00:32:06.440 --> 00:32:10.390
watch anything. You know, uh, my uncle finally installed a
781
00:32:10.430 --> 00:32:12.829
TV for us back there. And so I would watch
782
00:32:12.869 --> 00:32:15.849
like Chelsea lately. And then that's when I started like
783
00:32:16.130 --> 00:32:19.279
even learning what standup was. But, um, when we would
784
00:32:19.299 --> 00:32:21.339
have dinners together as a whole family, that we would
785
00:32:21.359 --> 00:32:24.140
just eat in silence. Like, you know, we just witnessed
786
00:32:24.220 --> 00:32:29.279
a funeral. Nobody would talk, just silent. Eventually, I think
787
00:32:29.319 --> 00:32:32.059
out of survival, out of like making it easier for me,
788
00:32:32.480 --> 00:32:36.500
I started trying to make little jokes, you know. I
789
00:32:36.559 --> 00:32:39.599
remember one time we had another one of these silent dinners.
790
00:32:40.039 --> 00:32:42.319
Literally just all you can hear is just like things
791
00:32:42.359 --> 00:32:45.059
being cut on the plate. One time my aunt asked
792
00:32:45.079 --> 00:32:45.539
for salt.
793
00:32:45.720 --> 00:32:46.359
We all jumped.
794
00:32:47.670 --> 00:32:49.829
Because someone talked. We were like, oh!
795
00:32:50.670 --> 00:32:52.170
Don't ever do that again.
796
00:32:52.190 --> 00:32:54.839
You know how I was jumpy when Maddie came in
797
00:32:54.940 --> 00:32:57.599
with the tea? I think it's because of that. It
798
00:32:57.960 --> 00:33:01.380
was always silent. It's like, oh my God. You know,
799
00:33:01.400 --> 00:33:04.390
what happened? And it was just, she's like, salt. I
800
00:33:04.430 --> 00:33:05.930
just said salt. And.
801
00:33:07.019 --> 00:33:09.900
You all had to retreat to different corners of the garage.
802
00:33:10.039 --> 00:33:10.859
Yeah, totally.
803
00:33:10.940 --> 00:33:12.319
To think about what just happened.
804
00:33:12.339 --> 00:33:15.720
We're being attacked. You know, and she just wanted a
805
00:33:15.809 --> 00:33:19.509
little more seasoning. But so then, you know, we would
806
00:33:19.529 --> 00:33:21.690
sit in silence. And one time I remember we finished
807
00:33:21.750 --> 00:33:23.809
eating and I just said, well, that was really fun.
808
00:33:23.849 --> 00:33:28.009
We should do it again. And then my uncle cracked
809
00:33:28.049 --> 00:33:28.369
the smile.
810
00:33:28.470 --> 00:33:29.509
That's good. Okay.
811
00:33:29.569 --> 00:33:31.750
I couldn't get it out of my mom.
812
00:33:31.990 --> 00:33:33.809
Right, right.
813
00:33:34.049 --> 00:33:35.450
Long stories. Yeah, sorry.
814
00:33:35.470 --> 00:33:38.690
No, but I mean, that's. Yeah. We're not going to
815
00:33:38.710 --> 00:33:41.720
have any of that. There'll be no apologizing here for
816
00:33:41.759 --> 00:33:42.900
telling a really great story.
817
00:33:43.099 --> 00:33:44.779
I think because I'm like, oh, you know, maybe I
818
00:33:44.799 --> 00:33:46.339
don't know how much you already know or not.
819
00:33:46.660 --> 00:33:51.259
No, but I'm just fascinated by your story. And I
820
00:33:51.460 --> 00:33:54.970
love talking to really funny people and hearing how they
821
00:33:55.029 --> 00:33:59.369
made their way. That's one of my favorite things. Or
822
00:33:59.690 --> 00:34:01.990
not just funny people, but a bunch of people we've
823
00:34:02.009 --> 00:34:04.789
had on the show, whether they're in music or acting
824
00:34:04.890 --> 00:34:08.480
or whatever, writers. I just love figuring out how people
825
00:34:09.739 --> 00:34:12.130
sort of like salmon swimming upstream. They have like a
826
00:34:12.210 --> 00:34:15.309
little idea that they're supposed to do something and they
827
00:34:15.329 --> 00:34:17.889
develop it. And then you can put any obstacles in
828
00:34:17.949 --> 00:34:19.849
front of them. They usually figure out a way to
829
00:34:20.670 --> 00:34:22.250
get there. And I don't know if you had a
830
00:34:22.289 --> 00:34:24.750
lot of role models growing up who, you know, where
831
00:34:24.769 --> 00:34:27.260
you could see someone and say, if they can do it,
832
00:34:27.360 --> 00:34:29.659
I can do it. Were there standups that really you
833
00:34:29.679 --> 00:34:30.480
gravitated towards?
834
00:34:30.760 --> 00:34:31.360
For sure.
835
00:34:31.400 --> 00:34:31.719
Yeah.
836
00:34:32.260 --> 00:34:34.269
I mean, you know, it's, It was hard, though, because
837
00:34:34.309 --> 00:34:37.349
I never saw. So I was starting to see stand-ups
838
00:34:37.630 --> 00:34:41.530
on like the Chelsea Lately show, for example. And one
839
00:34:41.550 --> 00:34:44.349
of the first stand-up specials I saw was Margaret Cho's
840
00:34:44.670 --> 00:34:46.949
through someone at church. I used to go to church.
841
00:34:47.300 --> 00:34:50.519
That's how they get immigrants. They go, do you want friends? Hey,
842
00:34:50.579 --> 00:34:52.400
welcome to the country. You want friends, right?
843
00:34:52.440 --> 00:34:52.940
We're like, yes.
844
00:34:53.239 --> 00:34:56.039
We speak your language. Oh, that's cool. We have free food.
845
00:34:56.199 --> 00:34:59.340
I like that. And then boom, suddenly, you know, I'm
846
00:34:59.420 --> 00:35:04.769
at Jesus camp. So there I am. Go, Jesus. Go, Lord.
847
00:35:04.789 --> 00:35:05.769
That's how they get you.
848
00:35:05.809 --> 00:35:08.469
Go, God. You know? Yeah. I'm a cheerleader for God.
849
00:35:08.510 --> 00:35:11.570
I'm in the choir. I'm an alto. I'm an alto.
850
00:35:12.369 --> 00:35:15.690
My uncle is a choir director. Anyway. Sing a cantata.
851
00:35:15.710 --> 00:35:16.829
Do you know what that is?
852
00:35:16.849 --> 00:35:19.550
Well, clearly this was a huge inspiration to you, this
853
00:35:19.760 --> 00:35:22.559
religious conversion. The way you talk about it.
854
00:35:22.619 --> 00:35:24.320
I mean, it really came in my life so quick.
855
00:35:24.440 --> 00:35:28.300
I mean, I'm from Taiwan and Japan. Like, Jesus loves countries.
856
00:35:28.679 --> 00:35:28.929
Yeah.
857
00:35:29.010 --> 00:35:33.150
You know, and then suddenly I'm getting baptized willingly. I mean,
858
00:35:33.329 --> 00:35:36.539
and then in a choir singing alto because I could
859
00:35:36.579 --> 00:35:39.570
never hit the high notes. Alto is very hard. You know,
860
00:35:40.010 --> 00:35:40.510
we all know.
861
00:35:40.789 --> 00:35:41.090
No.
862
00:35:41.110 --> 00:35:41.860
Yes, we do.
863
00:35:42.070 --> 00:35:42.570
Oh, we do?
864
00:35:42.699 --> 00:35:43.039
Okay.
865
00:35:43.300 --> 00:35:44.980
You have to harmonize.
866
00:35:45.159 --> 00:35:45.619
Oh, boy.
867
00:35:45.699 --> 00:35:46.139
No, no, no.
868
00:35:46.159 --> 00:35:48.179
So you had Josh Groban the other day. He likes
869
00:35:48.199 --> 00:35:49.119
to sing the melody.
870
00:35:49.519 --> 00:35:49.800
Sing it.
871
00:35:49.860 --> 00:35:54.389
Happy birthday, dear Conan. I'm going, happy birthday to you.
872
00:35:54.409 --> 00:35:55.130
To you. To you.
873
00:35:55.210 --> 00:35:55.449
Yeah.
874
00:35:59.710 --> 00:36:00.349
Nobody cares.
875
00:36:00.769 --> 00:36:04.170
They go, oh, that sounded beautiful. Yeah, because someone was harmonizing,
876
00:36:04.489 --> 00:36:06.929
creating an illusion that there's a whole group.
877
00:36:07.050 --> 00:36:10.750
Okay, you're very bitter about this. You've had so much
878
00:36:10.789 --> 00:36:14.550
success and you've achieved so much and you can't get
879
00:36:14.590 --> 00:36:15.230
past this.
880
00:36:16.110 --> 00:36:19.590
Well, Conan, when you get kicked out of the choir
881
00:36:20.650 --> 00:36:22.989
by your uncle, who is the choir director.
882
00:36:23.289 --> 00:36:24.389
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
883
00:36:24.570 --> 00:36:28.199
Were you kicked out because of your musical abilities or
884
00:36:28.239 --> 00:36:29.239
because you were causing trouble?
885
00:36:29.650 --> 00:36:33.130
I don't know. You just heard me sing. But we
886
00:36:33.150 --> 00:36:36.380
did a cantata, okay? I only got to perform once
887
00:36:36.539 --> 00:36:39.719
with the choir. Do you know what a cantata is?
888
00:36:39.739 --> 00:36:41.780
I was going to be quiet because I thought everyone
889
00:36:41.800 --> 00:36:42.300
else would know.
890
00:36:42.460 --> 00:36:43.719
No, I have no idea.
891
00:36:44.559 --> 00:36:47.360
Timothy Chalamet would know. But it's like a short opera.
892
00:36:47.550 --> 00:36:48.630
It's like 45 minutes long.
893
00:36:48.869 --> 00:36:49.449
That's a short opera?
894
00:36:49.489 --> 00:36:49.590
Yeah.
895
00:36:52.880 --> 00:36:55.949
I thought all I could handle. Oh, I'm sorry.
896
00:36:55.969 --> 00:36:57.349
Oh, you and Timothy both.
897
00:36:57.510 --> 00:36:58.909
Again.
898
00:36:58.929 --> 00:37:00.650
Oh, it turns out. Kidding.
899
00:37:00.710 --> 00:37:02.989
I love opera. I was there last night at the opera.
900
00:37:03.010 --> 00:37:05.250
Which opera?
901
00:37:05.289 --> 00:37:06.090
La Boheme.
902
00:37:06.130 --> 00:37:07.010
He only lasted.
903
00:37:07.050 --> 00:37:08.030
He only lasted.
904
00:37:08.050 --> 00:37:08.369
Oh, wow.
905
00:37:08.429 --> 00:37:08.690
Nice.
906
00:37:09.309 --> 00:37:10.510
You had that in your pocket.
907
00:37:10.530 --> 00:37:11.289
That was good.
908
00:37:11.329 --> 00:37:12.449
Back pocket. La Boheme.
909
00:37:12.469 --> 00:37:13.219
Yeah.
910
00:37:13.239 --> 00:37:14.659
He left 40 minutes in.
911
00:37:15.179 --> 00:37:18.820
I had to. It's a urinary issue. I love opera.
912
00:37:19.780 --> 00:37:22.289
But I can't go more than 40 minutes without relieving
913
00:37:22.329 --> 00:37:24.750
my bladder. It's a terrible disease and I'm waiting for
914
00:37:24.789 --> 00:37:28.099
a big commercial that I get to do about a medication.
915
00:37:28.340 --> 00:37:29.860
You're right, it's ages. If I put it out there-
916
00:37:29.880 --> 00:37:33.639
It's ages to even ask you- Thank you. We must
917
00:37:33.699 --> 00:37:34.800
respect our elders.
918
00:37:35.659 --> 00:37:39.449
We can't respect them. Wait, how did I get here?
919
00:37:39.710 --> 00:37:43.289
I've had this condition since I was 15. I urinate
920
00:37:43.449 --> 00:37:43.969
every 11 minutes.
921
00:37:44.469 --> 00:37:46.769
I'm so sorry. You've been doing really good.
922
00:37:46.909 --> 00:37:49.070
Are you doing the- Well, I have a- I don't
923
00:37:49.090 --> 00:37:50.780
want to tell you. I'm wearing a device right now.
924
00:37:50.840 --> 00:37:53.400
It's okay. I've urinated nine times since you've been here.
925
00:37:53.420 --> 00:37:53.860
Let me guess.
926
00:37:53.920 --> 00:37:55.900
This got dark, and thanks a lot, Sona.
927
00:37:56.000 --> 00:37:56.519
I did this?
928
00:37:56.539 --> 00:38:01.579
Let me guess. The device you're wearing. Sponsored?
929
00:38:02.860 --> 00:38:04.289
I'm glad you asked, Oshko.
930
00:38:04.489 --> 00:38:06.929
I'm glad you asked.
931
00:38:06.969 --> 00:38:12.219
You know, with pee on the go, developed by NASA. Listen,
932
00:38:12.360 --> 00:38:14.219
we're going to try and make sense out of this,
933
00:38:14.320 --> 00:38:16.940
and I know I can do this. Right, right. But,
934
00:38:17.500 --> 00:38:19.639
We left you at Jesus Camp. You're getting kicked out
935
00:38:19.659 --> 00:38:22.469
of the choir because no one appreciates the incredible.
936
00:38:22.489 --> 00:38:24.849
It was an Easter performance. It was the first one
937
00:38:24.909 --> 00:38:28.769
in the church. I love to sing loud. Oh, boy.
938
00:38:28.869 --> 00:38:32.610
Because he has risen. And I don't know. Wouldn't you
939
00:38:33.130 --> 00:38:36.170
do that, too, I guess? So I'm not a trained singer.
940
00:38:36.329 --> 00:38:38.750
Choir is a voluntary basis.
941
00:38:38.769 --> 00:38:39.789
Yeah, they can't be picky.
942
00:38:39.829 --> 00:38:43.460
There's no audition. All is welcome. Well, guess what? That
943
00:38:43.500 --> 00:38:46.980
means I'm on there, too. With my skills. My uncle,
944
00:38:47.420 --> 00:38:51.980
call it nepotism, I got to join, you know, pretty easily.
945
00:38:52.519 --> 00:38:55.800
And then after the cantata, I was never asked back.
946
00:38:56.559 --> 00:38:57.079
Wow.
947
00:38:57.300 --> 00:39:01.090
He said, you love to sing loud, Atsuko. And we
948
00:39:01.170 --> 00:39:01.809
could hear you.
949
00:39:01.829 --> 00:39:05.010
Wait, he wanted you to sing but not be heard.
950
00:39:05.590 --> 00:39:09.909
Because I was off a lot. And he said, sometimes
951
00:39:09.929 --> 00:39:13.369
you would also sing in English. It was a Taiwanese church.
952
00:39:13.429 --> 00:39:16.800
We sang in Chinese. And we could hear, because I
953
00:39:16.840 --> 00:39:19.679
don't speak Chinese at this point. A bitch is confused.
954
00:39:20.019 --> 00:39:21.719
I was in Japan. I'm in Japan.
955
00:39:21.760 --> 00:39:25.190
Now I'm in Los Angeles in a garage. I left
956
00:39:25.250 --> 00:39:28.809
Tokyo for this to be undocumented. We were undocumented.
957
00:39:28.829 --> 00:39:29.570
You were undocumented?
958
00:39:29.590 --> 00:39:29.969
We had no documents.
959
00:39:30.159 --> 00:39:30.500
Papers.
960
00:39:30.519 --> 00:39:32.699
You had no papers. Because we were supposed to be
961
00:39:32.739 --> 00:39:35.699
here on vacation. So we just applied for a two-month
962
00:39:35.980 --> 00:39:38.179
play visa or whatever that's called.
963
00:39:38.320 --> 00:39:38.539
Yeah.
964
00:39:38.659 --> 00:39:39.519
Tourist visa.
965
00:39:39.800 --> 00:39:40.199
Sure.
966
00:39:40.909 --> 00:39:41.849
And then we overstayed it.
967
00:39:41.909 --> 00:39:42.150
Boom.
968
00:39:42.170 --> 00:39:42.670
What happens?
969
00:39:42.849 --> 00:39:47.909
Suddenly we're here illegally. And in Japan, I only spoke Japanese.
970
00:39:48.130 --> 00:39:51.679
Suddenly I'm learning Chinese. because I'm half Taiwanese too, and
971
00:39:51.699 --> 00:39:53.860
now I'm living with my Taiwanese side of the family.
972
00:39:54.000 --> 00:39:57.860
I'm confused. I'm Christian now. And now I'm singing alto.
973
00:39:57.880 --> 00:40:01.099
Of course, I'm off key. Of course, I got to
974
00:40:01.139 --> 00:40:02.420
go into English sometimes.
975
00:40:02.440 --> 00:40:03.679
I think you put it best when you said, a
976
00:40:03.840 --> 00:40:04.800
bitch is confused.
977
00:40:05.099 --> 00:40:05.579
Yes.
978
00:40:05.619 --> 00:40:07.650
You know, that was going to be the title of
979
00:40:07.699 --> 00:40:10.210
my autobiography. Now you've got it.
980
00:40:10.230 --> 00:40:13.650
It's hard out here for a pimp when you're trying
981
00:40:13.670 --> 00:40:20.099
to make money for the rent. So... When I first
982
00:40:20.139 --> 00:40:22.630
saw Margaret, it was just me like, oh, this is
983
00:40:22.650 --> 00:40:26.409
so awesome. OK, now I know this exists and she exists. And,
984
00:40:26.909 --> 00:40:29.530
you know, also at the time, I didn't even know.
985
00:40:29.550 --> 00:40:32.449
I didn't know until I was like 16 that I
986
00:40:32.489 --> 00:40:35.559
was undocumented and what that event meant. Right. Because I
987
00:40:35.619 --> 00:40:39.219
wanted to suddenly drive like all my friends at school,
988
00:40:39.579 --> 00:40:42.059
like everyone was getting their permits. And I said, Grandma,
989
00:40:42.079 --> 00:40:45.030
I want to. drive too. None of us drive. I
990
00:40:45.070 --> 00:40:47.300
think it'd be cool. And then I can drive us around.
991
00:40:47.699 --> 00:40:52.659
We don't have to take the bus anymore. You're old
992
00:40:53.519 --> 00:40:56.719
and it'll be easy on us. And she goes, well,
993
00:40:57.940 --> 00:41:00.679
you can't drive. You can't do that because we don't
994
00:41:00.719 --> 00:41:04.280
have social security numbers. And I was like, oh, Like,
995
00:41:04.440 --> 00:41:06.500
that was the first time I had realized, you know.
996
00:41:06.519 --> 00:41:07.519
What a way to find out.
997
00:41:07.579 --> 00:41:07.840
Yeah.
998
00:41:08.039 --> 00:41:08.440
I know.
999
00:41:08.460 --> 00:41:10.780
I was, yeah, because I wanted to do.
1000
00:41:10.800 --> 00:41:12.159
By the way, you're here illegally.
1001
00:41:12.320 --> 00:41:17.380
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, right, right. So it's like, it comes to, like, bureaucracy,
1002
00:41:17.440 --> 00:41:20.389
paperwork stuff, right? That, how would I know? I'm a,
1003
00:41:20.789 --> 00:41:23.590
I'm just, you know, a high school kid trying to
1004
00:41:23.630 --> 00:41:28.889
kiss boys. And I did. Yeah. That you don't have
1005
00:41:28.909 --> 00:41:29.989
to be an American to do.
1006
00:41:30.010 --> 00:41:34.309
That was cool. And go to school. Most boys don't
1007
00:41:34.369 --> 00:41:35.849
ask for your social security number.
1008
00:41:36.050 --> 00:41:36.969
Oh, thank God.
1009
00:41:36.989 --> 00:41:40.869
Before. Well, I was always a stickler. Sometimes a girl
1010
00:41:40.889 --> 00:41:43.570
would be like, what's smooch? And I'd say, well, hold
1011
00:41:43.630 --> 00:41:46.179
on a second. I'd like to see various documents.
1012
00:41:46.639 --> 00:41:47.380
Yeah.
1013
00:41:47.480 --> 00:41:50.440
And that's, yeah, that's why I was a virgin until, well,
1014
00:41:50.480 --> 00:41:51.440
Obama's first term.
1015
00:41:51.579 --> 00:41:52.059
Okay.
1016
00:41:52.139 --> 00:41:56.929
We call that a narc. We're like the school snitch
1017
00:41:56.989 --> 00:41:59.460
over here trying to get kisses still. We're like, do
1018
00:41:59.519 --> 00:42:00.030
not trust him.
1019
00:42:00.059 --> 00:42:01.320
I'd sure like to kiss you, but I'd like to
1020
00:42:01.360 --> 00:42:01.980
see your papers.
1021
00:42:02.059 --> 00:42:07.739
We're like this narc over here. No, and so, yeah,
1022
00:42:07.840 --> 00:42:10.019
because I was surprised because there's so much you could do.
1023
00:42:10.059 --> 00:42:12.969
I was going to school. I was in the cheerleading squad.
1024
00:42:13.190 --> 00:42:14.030
Were you a good cheerleader?
1025
00:42:14.789 --> 00:42:18.809
I was, you know, as a squad, we were okay.
1026
00:42:20.369 --> 00:42:21.690
As a squad, we were self-taught.
1027
00:42:21.710 --> 00:42:22.909
Together, we were okay.
1028
00:42:23.030 --> 00:42:24.010
Together, we were okay.
1029
00:42:24.030 --> 00:42:28.659
Separately, we were awful. What a great recommendation. We're not
1030
00:42:28.699 --> 00:42:31.920
very good. We're terrible when we're apart. But when we
1031
00:42:32.000 --> 00:42:36.320
get together, we're okay.
1032
00:42:36.360 --> 00:42:42.400
Tune in. We really kept people's attention with our spirits.
1033
00:42:44.480 --> 00:42:47.849
We were very self-taught. We didn't have a coach. Our
1034
00:42:47.909 --> 00:42:50.090
cheer squad, when people hear that I was a cheerleader,
1035
00:42:50.110 --> 00:42:51.989
they're like, oh, you were a jock. I'm like, no, no,
1036
00:42:52.030 --> 00:42:55.530
you don't understand. My squad, it was full of girls
1037
00:42:55.570 --> 00:42:58.730
who were like, if it went for cheer, I would
1038
00:42:58.750 --> 00:43:02.940
have joined a gang. These girls were scary.
1039
00:43:03.599 --> 00:43:09.440
I didn't know that being a cheerleader was the last
1040
00:43:09.579 --> 00:43:10.940
exit before gang.
1041
00:43:10.960 --> 00:43:11.199
Yeah.
1042
00:43:12.199 --> 00:43:13.920
Well, that's hilarious.
1043
00:43:13.940 --> 00:43:16.679
Welcome to Venice High School. Yeah. Early 2000s.
1044
00:43:17.480 --> 00:43:17.719
Sure.
1045
00:43:17.739 --> 00:43:18.820
Okay.
1046
00:43:19.699 --> 00:43:20.139
Venice.
1047
00:43:21.079 --> 00:43:21.659
No, me too.
1048
00:43:22.019 --> 00:43:24.860
I was like, you know, I thought cheerleaders were like
1049
00:43:24.900 --> 00:43:25.920
the bring it on girls.
1050
00:43:26.059 --> 00:43:26.320
Yeah.
1051
00:43:26.500 --> 00:43:27.199
You know what I mean?
1052
00:43:27.260 --> 00:43:27.519
Sure.
1053
00:43:27.880 --> 00:43:30.880
And then here I am. I'm, you know, I join
1054
00:43:30.980 --> 00:43:33.340
and it's, yeah, it's my first, they were like the
1055
00:43:33.380 --> 00:43:34.530
first girls to accept me.
1056
00:43:35.090 --> 00:43:35.269
Right.
1057
00:43:35.309 --> 00:43:38.630
So my first friends were Latinas and black girls who
1058
00:43:38.690 --> 00:43:42.329
called me Coco. They gave me a nickname. And some
1059
00:43:42.369 --> 00:43:44.429
of the girls that I mean, they were like some
1060
00:43:44.449 --> 00:43:46.980
of the girls were their boyfriends were part of the Crips.
1061
00:43:47.820 --> 00:43:48.320
Oh, wow.
1062
00:43:48.719 --> 00:43:53.239
One of them, Juanita, I remember one time her boyfriend
1063
00:43:53.280 --> 00:43:56.860
called her a bitch to which she pulled out a switchblade,
1064
00:43:57.059 --> 00:43:59.559
put it up against his neck and said, if you
1065
00:43:59.599 --> 00:44:03.019
call me that again, I'll cut you. And then I'll
1066
00:44:03.099 --> 00:44:03.889
cut myself.
1067
00:44:06.880 --> 00:44:07.539
I was there, I said.
1068
00:44:07.559 --> 00:44:07.760
Juanita!
1069
00:44:07.880 --> 00:44:10.760
I know, I said, damn, you are crazy.
1070
00:44:11.139 --> 00:44:11.739
You are crazy.
1071
00:44:11.800 --> 00:44:13.699
I mean, I get the first part, but the second
1072
00:44:13.739 --> 00:44:18.449
part seems extraneous. I'm going to say extraneous.
1073
00:44:18.650 --> 00:44:19.230
We're like 16.
1074
00:44:19.230 --> 00:44:24.550
I'll cut you, and then later, I'll cut myself. Wait, Juanita,
1075
00:44:24.630 --> 00:44:27.969
I'm very afraid of you cutting my throat, but you
1076
00:44:27.989 --> 00:44:28.869
do on your own time.
1077
00:44:29.489 --> 00:44:29.809
Later.
1078
00:44:29.829 --> 00:44:31.170
The drama.
1079
00:44:31.369 --> 00:44:32.309
Yeah.
1080
00:44:32.369 --> 00:44:33.949
The drama. Right?
1081
00:44:34.050 --> 00:44:36.289
She was a poet, too, on top of it. I
1082
00:44:36.329 --> 00:44:38.449
was like, wow. So these were the kinds of girls.
1083
00:44:38.869 --> 00:44:41.610
Once I got my driver's license senior year, the captain
1084
00:44:41.650 --> 00:44:44.110
of the squad, she borrowed my car during lunch, went,
1085
00:44:44.340 --> 00:44:44.670
got an.
1086
00:44:44.679 --> 00:44:48.139
Abortion, came back for six periods.
1087
00:44:49.119 --> 00:44:50.239
What were your friends like?
1088
00:44:50.400 --> 00:44:51.360
Oh, my God.
1089
00:44:51.380 --> 00:44:52.579
So this is the cheerleaders.
1090
00:44:52.599 --> 00:44:53.960
This is awesome.
1091
00:44:53.980 --> 00:44:56.079
When I say, yes, when I say, if it weren't
1092
00:44:56.099 --> 00:44:58.139
for cheer, we would have joined a gang. These are...
1093
00:44:58.900 --> 00:45:02.690
Suddenly my friends in America, you know, and I was like, wow,
1094
00:45:02.730 --> 00:45:06.429
like I have been snoozing. What is this exciting life?
1095
00:45:06.789 --> 00:45:09.190
There was, we would go to, um, one time we
1096
00:45:09.210 --> 00:45:12.909
went to, uh, Denny's parking lot, uh, where a fight
1097
00:45:12.969 --> 00:45:15.329
broke out between the cheer squad and the flag team.
1098
00:45:15.489 --> 00:45:17.750
I had never seen such a thing. We were all
1099
00:45:17.789 --> 00:45:18.949
in uniforms after.
1100
00:45:19.489 --> 00:45:21.769
The cheer team fought the flag team.
1101
00:45:21.809 --> 00:45:25.610
Yes, because one of the flag team girls started dating, oh, no, no, no,
1102
00:45:25.929 --> 00:45:29.860
one of the cheer squad's ex-boyfriends. And I said, oh,
1103
00:45:30.480 --> 00:45:33.639
what is this? And yeah, I was trying to get
1104
00:45:33.679 --> 00:45:37.119
on board because I'm such a scaredy cat. I don't fight. Literally,
1105
00:45:37.159 --> 00:45:39.590
like the only things I fought are like help fight our...
1106
00:45:39.949 --> 00:45:43.150
the voices of my mom's head in that garage. And,
1107
00:45:43.250 --> 00:45:45.869
you know, fighting for my life to stay on the choir.
1108
00:45:45.989 --> 00:45:47.590
That's the only things I've fought for.
1109
00:45:47.849 --> 00:45:50.590
Is this, so the fight starts to go down. Did you,
1110
00:45:51.289 --> 00:45:51.909
what did you do?
1111
00:45:52.230 --> 00:45:54.659
So I was scared. I show up with Juanita. They're already,
1112
00:45:54.880 --> 00:45:55.739
everyone's in uniform.
1113
00:45:55.800 --> 00:45:59.590
Juanita's just hitting herself in the corner. I'll get you,
1114
00:45:59.710 --> 00:46:00.769
and then I'll get them.
1115
00:46:00.889 --> 00:46:03.360
She should have done that. Can you imagine?
1116
00:46:03.519 --> 00:46:08.139
The flag team would have retreated. This crazy bitch. I'm
1117
00:46:08.159 --> 00:46:10.980
going to first punch myself, then I'll get you, if
1118
00:46:11.000 --> 00:46:11.900
you're not careful.
1119
00:46:12.159 --> 00:46:12.900
Incredible tactic.
1120
00:46:12.920 --> 00:46:14.679
I love when he's just backwards with everything.
1121
00:46:14.699 --> 00:46:15.409
I love this.
1122
00:46:15.590 --> 00:46:16.909
Incredible. She's all cartoon-like.
1123
00:46:20.179 --> 00:46:21.239
I would love that.
1124
00:46:22.059 --> 00:46:27.789
Oh, man. I'm cheering her on because we're cheerleaders. Sure. No,
1125
00:46:27.869 --> 00:46:29.730
so I'm on the sidelines. I don't know what to do.
1126
00:46:30.110 --> 00:46:31.550
And Juanita's like, I'm going to get in there. I'm
1127
00:46:31.570 --> 00:46:35.010
going to get in there. The fight started. People are
1128
00:46:35.050 --> 00:46:37.690
dragging each other on the ground. But first off, they
1129
00:46:37.829 --> 00:46:41.190
march in, okay? The flag team comes in with their flags.
1130
00:46:42.389 --> 00:46:44.250
I was like, is this West Side Story?
1131
00:46:44.269 --> 00:46:45.809
It's West Side Story with flags.
1132
00:46:46.710 --> 00:46:51.670
And it's confusing because it's like the flag team was
1133
00:46:51.750 --> 00:46:54.800
also like Latin and like black girls too. So we
1134
00:46:54.840 --> 00:46:57.420
look like we're on this. We don't know who's fighting who.
1135
00:46:57.760 --> 00:47:00.039
Thank God for the uniforms because you'll get confused.
1136
00:47:00.059 --> 00:47:00.980
The uniforms help a lot.
1137
00:47:01.039 --> 00:47:03.039
At least with West Side Story, it's like, okay, Puerto
1138
00:47:03.059 --> 00:47:04.719
Ricans versus the white people.
1139
00:47:05.550 --> 00:47:06.030
Yeah, yeah.
1140
00:47:06.070 --> 00:47:08.989
Similar dance moves. It's confusing. You know what I mean? Yeah.
1141
00:47:09.949 --> 00:47:10.630
These girls.
1142
00:47:10.789 --> 00:47:11.010
Yeah.
1143
00:47:11.030 --> 00:47:13.460
So thank goodness for the flags. Because then I go, OK,
1144
00:47:13.500 --> 00:47:15.019
that's not my squad mate.
1145
00:47:15.260 --> 00:47:15.440
Right.
1146
00:47:15.460 --> 00:47:17.159
You know. Right. And the pom poms. We have the
1147
00:47:17.179 --> 00:47:17.739
pom poms.
1148
00:47:18.539 --> 00:47:21.300
Dumbest fight I've ever heard. Easily the dumbest fight I've
1149
00:47:21.340 --> 00:47:21.619
ever heard.
1150
00:47:21.639 --> 00:47:22.780
But I'm dying to know who won.
1151
00:47:22.800 --> 00:47:22.980
Yeah.
1152
00:47:23.059 --> 00:47:24.639
People are getting attracted.
1153
00:47:25.130 --> 00:47:29.309
There's no winning, sweetie. There's no winning in violence. Yeah.
1154
00:47:29.469 --> 00:47:32.489
Yeah, David. Yeah. Yeah. No one wins.
1155
00:47:32.510 --> 00:47:32.840
I'm sorry.
1156
00:47:32.989 --> 00:47:33.969
I'm sorry to ask.
1157
00:47:33.989 --> 00:47:39.079
Yeah, David. Except for maybe Juanita's boyfriend who is at
1158
00:47:39.099 --> 00:47:42.380
home going, thank God I have a break tonight.
1159
00:47:43.199 --> 00:47:45.460
Have you kept up with Juanita at all or any
1160
00:47:45.480 --> 00:47:45.980
of these people?
1161
00:47:46.719 --> 00:47:49.199
Yes, we're on Facebook.
1162
00:47:49.280 --> 00:47:49.820
Oh, that's nice.
1163
00:47:49.860 --> 00:47:52.079
On Facebook. They still call me Coco. A few of
1164
00:47:52.119 --> 00:47:53.579
them have come out to see my shows.
1165
00:47:53.619 --> 00:47:55.639
That's okay. That makes me really happy.
1166
00:47:55.679 --> 00:47:59.739
Yeah. And so, oh, you asked me for my role.
1167
00:48:00.500 --> 00:48:02.320
I held everyone's jewelry.
1168
00:48:04.059 --> 00:48:05.000
Because they knew.
1169
00:48:05.019 --> 00:48:07.320
They were like, Coco can't fight. And I was like, oh, yeah.
1170
00:48:07.340 --> 00:48:09.420
And I was just like, yes. And so, you know,
1171
00:48:09.440 --> 00:48:11.579
the seat in Cinderella. Right.
1172
00:48:11.659 --> 00:48:14.050
You had one of those. TSA bins.
1173
00:48:14.570 --> 00:48:16.150
Yeah, that's right.
1174
00:48:16.170 --> 00:48:16.650
Clink, clink.
1175
00:48:16.710 --> 00:48:17.389
Let's have it all.
1176
00:48:17.469 --> 00:48:17.949
Clink, clink.
1177
00:48:18.360 --> 00:48:19.440
Now get to it, you two.
1178
00:48:19.480 --> 00:48:20.780
There you go.
1179
00:48:20.860 --> 00:48:25.199
Thank you. A more, you know, modern reference. I'm referencing Cinderella.
1180
00:48:25.219 --> 00:48:26.809
I'm like, you know, the scene in Cinderella. He's like,
1181
00:48:26.829 --> 00:48:27.849
how about the TSA?
1182
00:48:32.610 --> 00:48:33.809
Anyway, I can help. I like to help.
1183
00:48:33.849 --> 00:48:39.300
Thank you so much. Yeah, I'm like, you know, Cinderella, Cinderella, Cinderella.
1184
00:48:39.340 --> 00:48:42.500
Who's watched Cinderella lately? Anyway, there's a scene where they're
1185
00:48:42.539 --> 00:48:44.840
throwing things at her and she's like holding the jewelry
1186
00:48:44.900 --> 00:48:47.079
and the clothes. You're not going to the ball. That
1187
00:48:47.119 --> 00:48:50.559
was me with the fight. I was holding the jewelry
1188
00:48:51.059 --> 00:48:55.789
and and then just shouting positive affirmations because, again, we
1189
00:48:55.829 --> 00:48:59.449
were cheerleaders. I could do that. J-U-A-N-I-T-A.
1190
00:48:59.590 --> 00:49:00.219
What's the spell?
1191
00:49:00.340 --> 00:49:06.880
Juanita. So those were all... Yeah. Why did I... I
1192
00:49:06.900 --> 00:49:07.880
don't know why I went into cheerleading.
1193
00:49:07.900 --> 00:49:09.460
Well, no, because I was asking you about this fight.
1194
00:49:09.780 --> 00:49:13.849
And I'm curious because the Hulu special that you did, Father,
1195
00:49:14.530 --> 00:49:16.170
you're talking about... Because so much of what we talked
1196
00:49:16.210 --> 00:49:19.090
about today, your father's introduced at the top of your story.
1197
00:49:19.110 --> 00:49:21.440
And then I think you... guys were estranged for a
1198
00:49:21.460 --> 00:49:27.090
long time right and this is you're reconnecting or re-establishing
1199
00:49:27.110 --> 00:49:28.300
a tie with your dad.
1200
00:49:28.309 --> 00:49:31.289
Right yeah it's true he didn't he missed out on
1201
00:49:31.329 --> 00:49:35.389
my cheerleading days my choir days my jesus camp days
1202
00:49:35.409 --> 00:49:39.050
right um in a way it's cool though because when
1203
00:49:39.090 --> 00:49:41.969
we got to meet up and we really got to reconnect.
1204
00:49:41.989 --> 00:49:43.530
Has he been living in Japan this whole time?
1205
00:49:43.690 --> 00:49:46.550
So he's been living in Japan, working as an engineer, raising,
1206
00:49:46.969 --> 00:49:50.510
you know, my half siblings. So once we were undocumented,
1207
00:49:51.139 --> 00:49:54.920
another rule that I didn't know was, um, you can't
1208
00:49:54.980 --> 00:49:57.440
leave the U S if you want to come back in.
1209
00:49:57.460 --> 00:49:57.940
Right.
1210
00:49:57.980 --> 00:49:58.239
Got it.
1211
00:49:58.440 --> 00:50:01.219
So we were stuck here and I suddenly, you know,
1212
00:50:01.239 --> 00:50:03.010
I didn't get to say bye to my dad. Who's
1213
00:50:03.050 --> 00:50:07.260
in Japan, super busy, you know, raising kids. single dad
1214
00:50:07.719 --> 00:50:10.420
and I didn't get to say bye to my friends there.
1215
00:50:10.699 --> 00:50:13.599
So I just felt super like suddenly, oh, like I
1216
00:50:13.639 --> 00:50:15.619
didn't get closure from my place.
1217
00:50:15.659 --> 00:50:17.440
You're cut off in an unnatural way.
1218
00:50:17.719 --> 00:50:21.280
Yeah. And then I got busy, right. With like cheerleading
1219
00:50:21.409 --> 00:50:23.630
or trying to get a driver's license. I finally got
1220
00:50:23.670 --> 00:50:27.369
my green card. Um, when I was 17, uh, we
1221
00:50:27.389 --> 00:50:30.909
did the visa lottery program where, you know, you, I
1222
00:50:30.929 --> 00:50:35.780
guess my grandma, the hustler, uh, finagular, um, pretended we
1223
00:50:35.800 --> 00:50:38.769
were in Japan still the whole time, and she put
1224
00:50:38.809 --> 00:50:39.909
our names into the lottery.
1225
00:50:40.110 --> 00:50:43.110
Oh, my God. I mean, first of all, I want
1226
00:50:43.150 --> 00:50:44.389
this woman running my life.
1227
00:50:44.449 --> 00:50:45.690
Yeah.
1228
00:50:45.929 --> 00:50:47.860
Actually, I want her running our foreign policy, too. Don't
1229
00:50:47.880 --> 00:50:48.780
take David's job away.
1230
00:50:50.460 --> 00:50:51.159
He's right here.
1231
00:50:51.179 --> 00:50:51.699
I think.
1232
00:50:52.239 --> 00:50:55.300
Your grandmother just would beat out David so quickly.
1233
00:50:55.340 --> 00:50:55.900
Yeah, yeah.
1234
00:50:55.960 --> 00:50:57.809
I mean, you can't do these things. You can't get
1235
00:50:57.849 --> 00:51:00.489
me into a Japanese lottery system to become a full
1236
00:51:00.530 --> 00:51:02.349
citizen of the United States. You've never achieved that. You
1237
00:51:02.369 --> 00:51:04.190
ask me all the time. You went to Lululemon today
1238
00:51:04.210 --> 00:51:05.150
and bought me some underwear.
1239
00:51:05.170 --> 00:51:05.909
That's true.
1240
00:51:05.989 --> 00:51:07.519
I did do that? Yeah, yeah.
1241
00:51:07.889 --> 00:51:11.150
Would she do that? She could do that too. She
1242
00:51:11.190 --> 00:51:15.949
could do that too. But she's doing like international, committing international,
1243
00:51:16.210 --> 00:51:19.369
I don't know. I say crimes, but she really was
1244
00:51:19.489 --> 00:51:22.280
able to, with a network of other grandmas from the church.
1245
00:51:22.550 --> 00:51:26.420
And we know grandmas. Like the network of grandmas, they're true.
1246
00:51:26.699 --> 00:51:27.619
They're making it happen.
1247
00:51:27.760 --> 00:51:30.139
Yeah, they're true like gangs. You know what I mean?
1248
00:51:30.480 --> 00:51:33.840
They're telling each other, you know, the best deals at
1249
00:51:34.380 --> 00:51:37.800
the supermarket or whatever. You know, they're telling each other
1250
00:51:37.840 --> 00:51:41.250
like what loopholes, you know, to what bank to go
1251
00:51:41.289 --> 00:51:43.590
with if you want the higher interest rate or whatever.
1252
00:51:44.010 --> 00:51:46.690
And so through that, she figured that out. And then
1253
00:51:46.829 --> 00:51:49.949
every year she would apply for the lottery and every year,
1254
00:51:50.110 --> 00:51:52.360
you know, our names wouldn't get pulled. And then on
1255
00:51:52.380 --> 00:51:55.739
the seventh year, all three of our names got pulled.
1256
00:51:56.159 --> 00:52:00.039
And so, yeah, and that's how we got to get
1257
00:52:00.079 --> 00:52:00.719
a green card.
1258
00:52:01.210 --> 00:52:03.530
Well, let me be the first to welcome you to America.
1259
00:52:04.300 --> 00:52:07.420
Oh, what a place. Thank you so much.
1260
00:52:07.539 --> 00:52:09.539
I'm assuming I'm the first. It's been a while.
1261
00:52:09.739 --> 00:52:09.960
Yeah.
1262
00:52:10.139 --> 00:52:12.199
But probably no one else had the courtesy to say that.
1263
00:52:12.340 --> 00:52:12.780
Okay.
1264
00:52:12.960 --> 00:52:13.300
So welcome.
1265
00:52:13.320 --> 00:52:17.139
Thank you. I mean, you're kind of like a diplomat, right?
1266
00:52:17.320 --> 00:52:22.889
To so many countries. To many countries, you're... the orange
1267
00:52:22.909 --> 00:52:26.989
haired American man that they'd rather see when you go abroad. Right.
1268
00:52:27.030 --> 00:52:28.929
And you've, you've done that for us.
1269
00:52:29.250 --> 00:52:32.269
That is true. That is true. I'm, I'm trending ahead
1270
00:52:32.289 --> 00:52:35.869
of other orange haired people who tend to show up
1271
00:52:35.929 --> 00:52:36.369
in countries.
1272
00:52:36.389 --> 00:52:37.909
You've done that for us. I mean, you close the
1273
00:52:37.949 --> 00:52:40.090
gap for us on like, or you tried to get
1274
00:52:40.130 --> 00:52:41.550
ahead of it with Greenland.
1275
00:52:41.570 --> 00:52:44.269
You know what I mean? I've, I've, you've really done
1276
00:52:44.289 --> 00:52:45.889
a lot of in a lot. I think I've done
1277
00:52:45.969 --> 00:52:49.320
so much for the world, but I think like the
1278
00:52:49.420 --> 00:52:53.130
Alto and acquire, I'm also overlooked. And I think that's
1279
00:52:53.170 --> 00:52:53.750
another way that.
1280
00:52:53.690 --> 00:52:56.159
We're... Thank you to the nod at Altos.
1281
00:52:56.340 --> 00:52:58.760
Yes, that's what I do. I have to ask you
1282
00:52:58.780 --> 00:53:01.780
this before we wrap. Your father... How does he feel
1283
00:53:01.820 --> 00:53:03.639
about this crazy success you've had?
1284
00:53:03.860 --> 00:53:04.539
Oh my gosh.
1285
00:53:04.639 --> 00:53:07.539
Is he, I'm guessing he's really proud. Yes.
1286
00:53:07.679 --> 00:53:10.420
He got to see me perform a couple of times
1287
00:53:10.539 --> 00:53:13.809
on my international tour now. And so it's cool. You know,
1288
00:53:13.829 --> 00:53:15.929
I was saying like he missed out on, you know,
1289
00:53:16.289 --> 00:53:19.269
my choir days or cheerleading days and stuff like that.
1290
00:53:19.650 --> 00:53:23.090
But also he kind of missed out on, you know,
1291
00:53:23.469 --> 00:53:27.519
me struggling to in my comedy career, right? Like trying
1292
00:53:27.539 --> 00:53:30.260
to figure it out. I said, okay, finally. Let's try
1293
00:53:30.300 --> 00:53:33.239
this stand up thing. And, you know, it's wild that
1294
00:53:33.519 --> 00:53:37.210
after years of trying it, years of doubting myself, maybe
1295
00:53:37.250 --> 00:53:40.329
I'll go to like art school instead as a backup plan,
1296
00:53:40.349 --> 00:53:41.929
which is a terrible backup plan.
1297
00:53:42.449 --> 00:53:42.730
Right.
1298
00:53:43.699 --> 00:53:49.619
Why go linear? Right. And also an unemployment. I got
1299
00:53:50.179 --> 00:53:52.530
a degree in creative writing.
1300
00:53:52.550 --> 00:53:55.170
Boo art, boo creative writing.
1301
00:53:56.050 --> 00:53:58.969
No, this is art school. So creative writing is literally like,
1302
00:53:59.190 --> 00:54:02.389
if you want to turn in two words, that's your thesis.
1303
00:54:02.670 --> 00:54:06.489
You know, it's like that. So, you know, he missed
1304
00:54:06.530 --> 00:54:08.820
out on those years, but then I was developing my voice.
1305
00:54:08.860 --> 00:54:11.679
And then when we met again, right, it was me
1306
00:54:11.719 --> 00:54:15.659
doing it. an international tour back in Japan to thousands
1307
00:54:15.699 --> 00:54:19.679
of strangers who know who I am in Japan. When
1308
00:54:19.920 --> 00:54:23.000
you come back from like work or school, you say,
1309
00:54:24.159 --> 00:54:29.139
I'm home. And your family members go, welcome home. And
1310
00:54:29.239 --> 00:54:33.940
so on that show where my dad was there, I
1311
00:54:33.980 --> 00:54:38.269
tried saying it. I said, I'm home to these Japanese
1312
00:54:38.730 --> 00:54:43.280
audiences and all thousands of them together said, welcome home.
1313
00:54:44.300 --> 00:54:47.159
And I was like, okay, I almost broke down and cried. And,
1314
00:54:47.699 --> 00:54:49.940
you know, my dad could understand those parts. And it
1315
00:54:49.960 --> 00:54:52.559
was really cool. Cause it was like, like, you know,
1316
00:54:52.579 --> 00:54:56.250
I hadn't been home like that in 22 years, you know,
1317
00:54:56.309 --> 00:54:58.090
it's yeah. So it was really cool that that was
1318
00:54:58.210 --> 00:54:59.250
how we got to reconnect.
1319
00:54:59.329 --> 00:55:02.130
It is like your, you know, it's like the Superman myth.
1320
00:55:02.170 --> 00:55:05.130
He's put into a space capsule and, you know, when
1321
00:55:05.150 --> 00:55:08.030
he's a baby and shot off. And then if you
1322
00:55:08.090 --> 00:55:11.889
catch up with him, 25 years later, whatever, 10, 15
1323
00:55:11.889 --> 00:55:14.690
years later, he's Superman. And it's just this thing that
1324
00:55:14.710 --> 00:55:17.929
happened that you couldn't foresee, but it's magical. And I
1325
00:55:17.969 --> 00:55:20.869
think an amazing gift that your dad gets to see that.
1326
00:55:21.190 --> 00:55:23.710
Sometimes you gotta make people miss you and come back,
1327
00:55:24.130 --> 00:55:25.210
you know, hotter.
1328
00:55:25.429 --> 00:55:26.670
Right?
1329
00:55:26.730 --> 00:55:27.690
Isn't that the whole thing?
1330
00:55:28.409 --> 00:55:33.429
Well, listen, Osco, the special is beautiful. It's on Hulu. Father,
1331
00:55:33.889 --> 00:55:36.670
and I wish you all the best in Emmy season
1332
00:55:36.750 --> 00:55:37.929
because you deserve it.
1333
00:55:38.230 --> 00:55:38.730
You are.
1334
00:55:39.449 --> 00:55:43.409
So funny. And you've got a great spirit. And it
1335
00:55:43.449 --> 00:55:45.469
was just, it's nice to get to know you better
1336
00:55:45.829 --> 00:55:48.210
because I admire you. And then to have you here
1337
00:55:48.269 --> 00:55:50.730
and talk. And we got to chat a little bit
1338
00:55:50.769 --> 00:55:54.429
and bond out on the sidewalk outside of that comedy club.
1339
00:55:54.449 --> 00:55:56.880
But I remember leaving that night. It was like, oh,
1340
00:55:56.940 --> 00:55:59.239
this is unfinished business. We have more to talk about.
1341
00:55:59.320 --> 00:56:01.119
So I was so glad you could come in. And
1342
00:56:01.139 --> 00:56:01.840
I hope you come back.
1343
00:56:02.099 --> 00:56:04.880
Oh, thank you for having me. You guys are true
1344
00:56:04.940 --> 00:56:08.320
kindred spirits. And if I may, now I cheer.
1345
00:56:09.199 --> 00:56:13.369
Okay. I've really set it up. Yeah. Here we go.
1346
00:56:21.320 --> 00:56:23.480
Give me a C. C.
1347
00:56:23.539 --> 00:56:25.159
You got your C, you got your C.
1348
00:56:25.219 --> 00:56:26.219
Give me an O. O.
1349
00:56:26.519 --> 00:56:28.460
You got your O, you got your O. Give me
1350
00:56:28.519 --> 00:56:31.119
an N. N. You got your N, you got your N.
1351
00:56:31.139 --> 00:56:33.159
Give me an A, N, N, N.
1352
00:56:33.239 --> 00:56:38.630
We got Conan. Yay. I like when.
1353
00:56:38.570 --> 00:56:45.510
You ended, there was a little bit of, ugh. We got, well, Conan. Osco,
1354
00:56:45.550 --> 00:56:46.190
thank you so much.
1355
00:56:46.210 --> 00:56:47.590
Thank you so much for having me.
1356
00:56:52.210 --> 00:56:55.389
You know the idea you can't stop thinking about? The
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00:56:55.449 --> 00:56:57.110
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1358
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1366
00:57:27.210 --> 00:57:30.989
Good nights are about the people. The laughs. The real
1367
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1382
00:58:29.650 --> 00:58:31.690
All right, we're going to do a little segment. Normally
1383
00:58:31.710 --> 00:58:33.510
we do this with Matt Gourley and we do something
1384
00:58:33.530 --> 00:58:36.769
called Review the Reviewers where people call in with reviews
1385
00:58:36.849 --> 00:58:38.900
and we listen to them and then I respond to
1386
00:58:38.960 --> 00:58:43.000
their reviews. But Gourley's not here. He's on paternity leave.
1387
00:58:43.579 --> 00:58:47.039
And because he's out and we don't have Review the Reviewers,
1388
00:58:47.079 --> 00:58:50.559
I thought I'd just supply the call-in reviews myself. Oh boy. Oh,
1389
00:58:50.579 --> 00:58:54.130
this is so sad. So let's listen. This is Jack Muncy.
1390
00:58:56.550 --> 00:59:01.440
And he's coming to us from Cleveland, Ohio. And he says,
1391
00:59:01.460 --> 00:59:02.559
let's play it right now.
1392
00:59:02.579 --> 00:59:04.920
You're pressing a button.
1393
00:59:05.949 --> 00:59:09.090
I listen to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend all the
1394
00:59:09.130 --> 00:59:13.630
time I think it's the best podcast ever Conan's mind
1395
00:59:13.670 --> 00:59:16.510
like I listen to his mind work and I'm like
1396
00:59:16.530 --> 00:59:19.869
this guy's splitting the atom I don't even have a
1397
00:59:19.929 --> 00:59:23.659
question it's just that funny a show and it's like
1398
00:59:23.840 --> 00:59:26.199
I also think I don't is it me or is
1399
00:59:26.239 --> 00:59:30.739
he like the coolest guy ever I don't know But
1400
00:59:31.519 --> 00:59:32.619
I don't know, Conan.
1401
00:59:33.380 --> 00:59:37.570
I don't even have a question here. You're just incredible. Well, wow.
1402
00:59:37.590 --> 00:59:38.329
That was pretty cool.
1403
00:59:38.449 --> 00:59:38.929
Oh, yeah.
1404
00:59:38.949 --> 00:59:40.349
That was so nice.
1405
00:59:40.389 --> 00:59:43.590
Mr. Muncy, I thank you very much. I don't think
1406
00:59:43.639 --> 00:59:47.840
I'm splitting the atom. I'm just saying things that come
1407
00:59:47.880 --> 00:59:50.400
to my mind and it tends to dazzle, I guess.
1408
00:59:51.590 --> 00:59:53.849
You know what I mean? I don't know. You know,
1409
00:59:53.909 --> 00:59:56.429
it's weird. If you have these superpowers, you don't walk
1410
00:59:56.489 --> 00:59:59.630
around going, oh, wow, I have superpowers. You're like, I'm Superman.
1411
01:00:00.010 --> 01:00:01.869
You know, I can crush this piece of gold and
1412
01:00:01.889 --> 01:00:02.849
it becomes a diamond.
1413
01:00:03.030 --> 01:00:03.269
Yeah.
1414
01:00:03.289 --> 01:00:05.880
Another day, another dollar. You don't get amazed by it
1415
01:00:05.989 --> 01:00:07.960
because you've lived in this body for a long time.
1416
01:00:08.059 --> 01:00:08.380
Sure.
1417
01:00:08.480 --> 01:00:09.460
What do you think about me?
1418
01:00:09.940 --> 01:00:10.300
Yeah.
1419
01:00:10.619 --> 01:00:11.070
Good enough.
1420
01:00:11.280 --> 01:00:15.429
What do you think about me? What are, who, what,
1421
01:00:15.789 --> 01:00:17.050
what are you, what's happening?
1422
01:00:17.070 --> 01:00:21.289
Karen Stipson in Anchorage, Alaska has a call.
1423
01:00:21.469 --> 01:00:22.250
We don't know.
1424
01:00:22.449 --> 01:00:27.989
Um, hey, Conan. Um, yeah, Karen here. And I listened
1425
01:00:28.010 --> 01:00:30.489
to Conan O'Brien needs a friend. Why would you need
1426
01:00:30.530 --> 01:00:33.389
a friend? You know, I would think you, you'd have
1427
01:00:33.449 --> 01:00:37.409
more friends than anyone on earth. You just as a funniest,
1428
01:00:37.550 --> 01:00:40.750
most creative person. And I just, I don't know, I
1429
01:00:41.150 --> 01:00:43.650
saw you host the Oscars and I was like, I'd
1430
01:00:43.750 --> 01:00:44.550
do that guy.
1431
01:00:44.730 --> 01:00:45.530
Oh, God.
1432
01:00:45.750 --> 01:00:47.380
He's all that and a bag of chips.
1433
01:00:47.760 --> 01:00:49.440
Karen. And that's how people talk.
1434
01:00:49.619 --> 01:00:54.840
I know, I shouldn't be talking this way. Karen's live reacting.
1435
01:00:54.860 --> 01:00:57.840
Karen, are you listening to us right now?
1436
01:00:57.860 --> 01:00:59.360
Karen, are you on the line?
1437
01:00:59.389 --> 01:01:02.369
I'm anticipating what you guys will be saying, I guess.
1438
01:01:03.269 --> 01:01:07.110
I won Anticipator of the Year award last year. I'm
1439
01:01:07.130 --> 01:01:10.420
a really good anticipator, but I'll just wait for Sona's
1440
01:01:10.460 --> 01:01:13.880
and David's laughter to calm down. I'm assuming it's happening.
1441
01:01:14.659 --> 01:01:16.800
But anyway, I don't know. I just listen to Conan.
1442
01:01:16.820 --> 01:01:22.630
I'm like, wowzy, wowzy. He's just the best. So anyway, Conan,
1443
01:01:22.670 --> 01:01:25.530
I'm just curious. Do you think that you'll divorce your
1444
01:01:25.570 --> 01:01:28.230
wife and maybe be back on the market and hang
1445
01:01:28.289 --> 01:01:30.969
out at Anchorage? I sure hope so. A lot of
1446
01:01:31.010 --> 01:01:32.579
ladies up here would be pretty happy.
1447
01:01:33.219 --> 01:01:34.340
Well, gotta go now.
1448
01:01:34.400 --> 01:01:34.820
Bye.
1449
01:01:34.840 --> 01:01:39.800
Oh, look, it's cold outside. That's Anchorage for you. A
1450
01:01:40.380 --> 01:01:41.199
little joke.
1451
01:01:41.340 --> 01:01:41.739
Bye.
1452
01:01:42.760 --> 01:01:44.599
Well, no, I don't think I'll be divorcing my wife
1453
01:01:44.659 --> 01:01:49.000
anytime soon. Love my wife. We've been married a long time.
1454
01:01:49.059 --> 01:01:53.210
She's my soulmate. But hey, you'll be the first I'll
1455
01:01:53.309 --> 01:01:56.150
call should the deal go down because she may want
1456
01:01:56.190 --> 01:01:56.550
me out.
1457
01:01:56.750 --> 01:01:57.230
Yeah.
1458
01:01:57.250 --> 01:02:00.090
She gets pretty exasperated. I do this thing at home
1459
01:02:00.110 --> 01:02:03.099
where I take pretend calls. And Liza hates it.
1460
01:02:03.260 --> 01:02:04.019
Oh, she does?
1461
01:02:04.059 --> 01:02:04.599
Yeah, yeah.
1462
01:02:04.960 --> 01:02:06.159
Oh, but it's so great.
1463
01:02:06.260 --> 01:02:08.079
It's so great. She said, why don't you go do
1464
01:02:08.099 --> 01:02:09.530
that at work? So I thought I'd do it here
1465
01:02:09.550 --> 01:02:12.690
at work. Wait, that was you? Yeah. Well, no, no, no.
1466
01:02:12.949 --> 01:02:14.489
I didn't do it here yet. I'm just thinking I
1467
01:02:14.510 --> 01:02:15.000
might do it.
1468
01:02:15.690 --> 01:02:17.769
Karen said you're all that and a bag of chips.
1469
01:02:17.789 --> 01:02:19.190
Yeah, that's how kids talk now, I guess.
1470
01:02:19.210 --> 01:02:19.489
Yeah, okay.
1471
01:02:19.510 --> 01:02:19.869
It's funny.
1472
01:02:19.929 --> 01:02:21.929
I hear you say that all the time and literally
1473
01:02:21.949 --> 01:02:22.699
nobody else.
1474
01:02:22.860 --> 01:02:29.789
Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah. So pretty cool. Victor Hidalgo. Where's
1475
01:02:29.829 --> 01:02:36.789
Victor calling from? He's coming from Corpus Christi, Texas. Conan, man.
1476
01:02:37.409 --> 01:02:38.389
You're the man.
1477
01:02:38.429 --> 01:02:39.710
You're the man, Conan.
1478
01:02:40.349 --> 01:02:43.340
You're one cool hombre.
1479
01:02:44.340 --> 01:02:45.800
Is he Mexican?
1480
01:02:46.889 --> 01:02:52.440
You're a cool guy, Conan. I'm actually, despite my name,
1481
01:02:52.460 --> 01:02:58.409
I am My family is from Sweden. But I just
1482
01:02:58.510 --> 01:03:01.750
use the word hombre every now and then. But my
1483
01:03:01.809 --> 01:03:09.139
father is Lars and my mother is Torkia. And yeah,
1484
01:03:09.500 --> 01:03:13.840
I just go by Victor Hidalgo. But anyway, I just
1485
01:03:13.860 --> 01:03:16.820
want to say the show is amazing. And sometimes when
1486
01:03:16.840 --> 01:03:23.590
I'm sitting in my sauna and having a taco, I
1487
01:03:23.630 --> 01:03:26.710
just think this coding guy is amazing. Again, no question.
1488
01:03:26.989 --> 01:03:30.579
Just Victor Hidalgo here from Sweden. And I just think
1489
01:03:30.619 --> 01:03:31.179
you're amazing.
1490
01:03:31.260 --> 01:03:32.360
Again, no question.
1491
01:03:32.480 --> 01:03:35.159
Like he's referencing Jack Muncy.
1492
01:03:35.199 --> 01:03:41.679
I'm just anticipating in my message that everyone else probably
1493
01:03:41.699 --> 01:03:43.480
didn't have a question either because what can you ask
1494
01:03:43.539 --> 01:03:46.559
this man? It's like perfect. You know, we have an
1495
01:03:46.599 --> 01:03:50.559
old saying in Sweden. If the skates aren't bent, skate away,
1496
01:03:50.659 --> 01:03:54.710
skate away. And I just want to say you're the best, Conan.
1497
01:03:55.190 --> 01:03:57.590
You're absolutely amazing. And someday I hope you and I
1498
01:03:57.670 --> 01:03:59.349
can split a chimichanga.
1499
01:04:02.159 --> 01:04:04.340
Peace out. Wow, that guy's incredible.
1500
01:04:04.380 --> 01:04:05.000
Peace out.
1501
01:04:05.039 --> 01:04:06.179
He said peace out.
1502
01:04:06.219 --> 01:04:08.019
Yeah, he did. I don't know. I have to say
1503
01:04:08.039 --> 01:04:10.900
these have been amazing calls. And I don't, I don't.
1504
01:04:11.239 --> 01:04:15.639
These are better than the calls that are curated by Gorley,
1505
01:04:15.679 --> 01:04:17.989
who I think does a shitty job finding callers. Do
1506
01:04:18.030 --> 01:04:20.650
you think there's a caller from like a Sona fan? Oh, well,
1507
01:04:20.670 --> 01:04:22.989
I could try and find out. Let's see. I'll look
1508
01:04:23.010 --> 01:04:25.329
through the list here. No, there isn't.
1509
01:04:26.670 --> 01:04:26.969
Okay.
1510
01:04:27.929 --> 01:04:31.659
I know that violates every rule of improv, but no,
1511
01:04:33.019 --> 01:04:37.380
it isn't. There's absolutely no. Not a single one?
1512
01:04:37.400 --> 01:04:38.199
Wait a minute.
1513
01:04:38.239 --> 01:04:38.980
Wait a minute.
1514
01:04:39.019 --> 01:04:40.360
We're getting a call right now.
1515
01:04:40.699 --> 01:04:43.619
We're getting a live call right now. Eduardo, can you
1516
01:04:43.639 --> 01:04:46.179
patch this through? This person says they're a Sona fan.
1517
01:04:46.219 --> 01:04:48.949
Let's see if they are. Let's patch them in right now.
1518
01:04:48.969 --> 01:04:54.530
They're on. Hey, is Conan there? Is Conan on the line? Yeah,
1519
01:04:54.550 --> 01:04:56.829
this is Conan. What's going on? You say you're a
1520
01:04:56.829 --> 01:04:59.769
Sona fan? Oh, yeah, I'm a big Sona fan.
1521
01:04:59.809 --> 01:05:00.760
I'm not a Sona fan.
1522
01:05:00.780 --> 01:05:03.360
I just wanted to get on.
1523
01:05:05.000 --> 01:05:06.500
Yeah, psych, psych, psych.
1524
01:05:06.539 --> 01:05:07.179
I'm not a Sona fan.
1525
01:05:07.400 --> 01:05:09.039
I just wanted to talk to Conan. You're the best, Conan.
1526
01:05:09.059 --> 01:05:11.179
I don't even know what Sona does. Sona seems like
1527
01:05:11.199 --> 01:05:12.440
she asked you for a lot of favors. I think
1528
01:05:12.480 --> 01:05:17.190
it's too many favors. No, I just say, you suck,
1529
01:05:17.210 --> 01:05:18.929
David Hopping. You suck, you suck, you suck.
1530
01:05:19.170 --> 01:05:19.610
Psych!
1531
01:05:19.989 --> 01:05:21.289
Psych! You suck.
1532
01:05:22.550 --> 01:05:23.610
Fuck you, Finn.
1533
01:05:23.650 --> 01:05:25.110
Bubba booey, bubba booey, bubba booey.
1534
01:05:25.130 --> 01:05:26.369
Fuck you, Finn.
1535
01:05:26.389 --> 01:05:29.409
Yeah, fuck you, Sona. Fuck you. Yeah, you stink. No,
1536
01:05:29.429 --> 01:05:31.670
you fuck you. You're dragging Conan down. He's the best.
1537
01:05:31.829 --> 01:05:32.670
All right, bye.
1538
01:05:32.969 --> 01:05:34.130
Yeah, bye-bye, Conan.
1539
01:05:34.369 --> 01:05:35.150
Woo!
1540
01:05:35.429 --> 01:05:36.030
Woo!
1541
01:05:36.750 --> 01:05:40.519
Jesus, that was unpleasant. It's sad. He psyched me out.
1542
01:05:40.559 --> 01:05:41.539
He said he was a fan of yours.
1543
01:05:41.579 --> 01:05:43.920
You know what? Not all our fans are good. I
1544
01:05:44.039 --> 01:05:45.980
think that we don't need all of them.
1545
01:05:46.239 --> 01:05:47.400
Well, we do need that guy.
1546
01:05:47.619 --> 01:05:48.719
No, I don't think we do.
1547
01:05:48.780 --> 01:05:51.019
It says here he's a multimillionaire and he wants to
1548
01:05:51.059 --> 01:05:53.980
give all of his money to the show. Which, of course,
1549
01:05:54.000 --> 01:05:55.500
would mean it would go to me. All right. Well,
1550
01:05:55.519 --> 01:05:57.840
that was Review the Reviewers. And I thought it went
1551
01:05:57.909 --> 01:06:01.750
really well. Incredible fans I have. Great fans. The best.
1552
01:06:02.269 --> 01:06:02.650
Peace out.
1553
01:06:05.190 --> 01:06:08.949
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian,
1554
01:06:09.190 --> 01:06:13.309
and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced
1555
01:06:13.349 --> 01:06:17.079
by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song
1556
01:06:17.119 --> 01:06:20.380
by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
1557
01:06:20.989 --> 01:06:21.869
Take it away, Jimmy.
1558
01:06:25.469 --> 01:06:28.650
Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair. And our associate talent
1559
01:06:28.670 --> 01:06:32.400
producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez
1560
01:06:32.480 --> 01:06:36.440
and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent
1561
01:06:36.460 --> 01:06:39.659
booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kahn. You
1562
01:06:39.679 --> 01:06:42.239
can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and
1563
01:06:42.260 --> 01:06:44.829
you might find your review read on a future episode.
1564
01:06:45.190 --> 01:06:47.929
Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline
1565
01:06:47.969 --> 01:06:52.590
at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be
1566
01:06:52.630 --> 01:06:55.130
featured on a future episode. You can also get three
1567
01:06:55.190 --> 01:06:59.360
free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com
1568
01:06:59.420 --> 01:07:02.519
slash Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to
1569
01:07:02.599 --> 01:07:06.539
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
1570
01:07:13.260 --> 01:07:16.469
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Good nights are about the people, the laughs, the real
1581
01:07:52.079 --> 01:07:55.260
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