ABOUT THIS EPISODE
Your grade-schooler shuts down after school. Your preteen slams their door and won't talk. It's one of the hardest moments in parenting — and one of the most misunderstood.
In this episode, Michelle sits down with Joss Goulden — a Level 2 Aware Parenting Instructor and mother of two now-adult children, ages 22 and 20 — for a conversation that reframes difficult behavior entirely. Joss explains what's actually happening in a child's nervous system when they withdraw, melt down, or become defiant, and why it's never about disrespect. She shares the "wind-up toy" metaphor for how small daily stresses accumulate into meltdowns that seem to come out of nowhere, walks through nine types of attachment play that help children of every age move through big feelings, and offers one of the most moving descriptions of authentic repair and apology you'll hear on this podcast.
In this episode you'll learn:
- Why a child's shutdown, defiance, or meltdown is a nervous system safety signal — not a behavior problem to correct
- The two things to tend to when a child pulls away: what's happening inside the parent, and what the child actually needs
- Nine types of attachment play (from Aletha Solter's research) that help kids move through big feelings — including regression play and power reversal play
- The "wind-up toy" metaphor for how small everyday stresses accumulate into what looks like an out-of-nowhere meltdown
- Why play should come before conversation, correction, or "teachable moments" — and why kids often can't absorb language while emotionally flooded
- What genuinely meeting a child's needs for information, connection, and autonomy looks like in small everyday moments
- What an authentic apology and repair actually sound like — including a beautiful story about Joss's own teenagers and what real repair made possible in their relationship
Topics: Aware Parenting · attachment-based parenting · nervous system regulation in children · fight-flight-freeze response · attachment play · regression play · trauma-informed parenting · repair after rupture · grade-school parenting · preteen parenting · co-parenting alignment · Natural Learning · homeschooling · gentle parenting · peaceful parenting · conscious parenting · Emotionally Focused Family Therapy · EFFT
Guest: Joss Goulden — Level 2 Aware Parenting Instructor
🌐 awareparenting.com.au
🎓 Yelling to Connecting — 6-week online parenting course
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🌐 compassionateheartparenting.com
This content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. Compassionate Heart Parenting does not provide psychotherapy services.
Join me each week for a tail from the trenches of parenting burnout and how I (and you) can use mindfulness, mediation and self-compassion to find your inner calm and a little more sanity in your parenting.
You’ll get a story from my heart and a quick win you can use the same day.
A free gift for you: the RAGE Break, a free guided audio pause for when you are about to lose or have just lost it with your kids and you need a moment to regroup. Find the audio download in the links. I created the Rage Break because it is exactly what I needed when I was struggling with anger and yelling in parenting.
This story was brought to you by “Yelling to Connecting.” If you or someone you know struggles with yelling at your kids, losing it, or being constantly on edge this course will be a helpful tool.
A reminder: This content is intended for educational purposes only and should not be used as a replacement for private psychotherapy services. Compassionate Heart Mindful Life does not provide psychotherapy services in any capacity.
I am a therapist but I am not your therapist and this is not therapy and should not be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you need mental health treatment please find a qualified professional in your area.
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