"The Only Problem:" Caring for Elderly Parents with Morgan Hudson

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Good morning.
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Good morning.
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Welcome to Coming Clean About Caregiving.
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I am on week four of not budging with the chaos here in my mom's room.
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I am thinking about putting some of this stuff out on my porch and just posting it to Facebook as a free porch pickup.
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That I think is going to be my next strategy.
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So it's not going to be a particularly orderly clean out from here forward, but I just need to make some progress.
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So thank you, those of you out there, for keeping me motivated at least to try to keep thinking about getting this room cleaned out and making some progress.
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I am personally super excited about our guests this morning.
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Well, I'm excited about all of our guests because I think this conversation is so important.
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But I'm really excited about our guests this morning.
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Morgan Hudson is a fellow only child.
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I do not have any brothers or sisters, neither does Morgan.
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And when you're an only child, that really does pose a unique challenge to being a family caregiver.
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You all know that being a caregiver is isolating.
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But when you don't have brothers or sisters, it becomes a uniquely isolating proposition.
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And Morgan is going to chat with us this morning about that.
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Morgan shares his story in his recent book, The Only Problem: How to Care for Aging Parents When You're an Only Child.
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And I just love that title, The Only Problem.
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It's such a great double entendre.
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I am so pleased to have Morgan joining us this morning to talk about this issue and to share his story with us because he has a very unique uh caregiving journey and experience.
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So, Morgan, thank you so much for your time and welcome to Coming Clean About Caregiving.
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I so appreciate you being here with us.
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Thanks for having me, Julie.
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It's great to be here.
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And thanks for uh providing this platform.
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I also like the name Coming Clean About Caregiving, also a very clear.
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Well, you I hope you saw uh before we uh came in tight on the shot why um I called it that, because you know, I tell people these are my doom piles.
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Um I just closed off my mom's room and uh it became the the uh doom pile headquarters of my house.
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So I'm trying to get in here and um kind of resolve this situation, but um yeah, as an ad, as a as a I'm a recovering ad uh exec also.
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So I do love those uh yeah, those catchy titles.
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So um yeah, as I just alluded to, um, Morgan, before you became a caregiver, um you had a pretty high profile career.
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And um when I saw your title, Morgan, you were with Visa, the the credit card company.
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And when I saw your title when you left Visa, my mouth just started watering because I love to travel.
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And my mind just went wild thinking about what your job must have been like.
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I mean, I am sure it was crazy stressful, but you were the vice president of global brand and travel marketing at Visa.
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So I can only imagine the um the perks that that you must have been offered that must have been coming flying across your email.
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Tell us a little bit about your um your corporate, your job journey, um, what that was like before you came to be a caregiver, um, and kind of just set that up for us, please.
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Yeah, no problem.
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So uh I was raised in um suburban Ohio, went to school in Ohio, wanted to get into advertising, and wasn't gonna happen in Ohio, obviously.
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Um, you know, so I was from West Virginia originally, so I know what you mean.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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There were some opportunities, but you know, when you're starting out, you got to either go to New York, Chicago, but uh something about the Bay Area just drew me out there, the outdoorsy-ness, the physical activity, the weather.
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Um, and so that's when I went out to get into the advertising world.
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Um, I won't go through my whole resume, but did that for about 10 years, really cut my teeth and learning about the the business.
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And you know, if you you're from there, Julie, so you know, like every day is different, and that makes it really exciting.
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But after a while, like yeah, yeah.
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But after a while, you're like, gosh, it'd be nice to actually like make the decisions versus just the recommendations to be on the client side, yeah.
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Exactly, exactly.
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And some people call it the dark side.
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Um, and so that's when you choose to go over to uh uh a company called Symantec that does backup and security, they do um like Norton Antivirus.
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So I worked there on a variety of marketing roles and global roles for probably another eight to ten years, and then this opportunity came up with Visa and it got me closer to home.
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And you know, they have the holy trinity of sports uh sponsorships, you know, the Olympics, uh, FIFA World Cup and the NFL.
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I mean, how much fun is that, right?
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Oh my god, it was incredible.
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It was incredible, and you know, it's it's funny.
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I think a lot of people, when I thought this, going into Visa, it's like, oh, it's gonna be this huge company and they're just gonna plug in and it's gonna be like a university, and you know, you'll you'll get your feet wet, but it's not, they're quite scrappy, they don't have a lot of people there, not a lot of people do a lot of jobs, and so it kind of felt like I was still in an agency, but just you know, a massive all hands on deck kind of yeah, exactly, exactly, super scrappy.
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Um, but but yeah, I mean, I, you know, uh I was there for almost nine to ten years, and you know, at one point was leading the international travel campaign, um, and then moved into brand and you know, some of their affluent marketing.
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So I really got to make the rounds and got to meet great people.
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Like you said, I I got to travel quite a bit, but obviously it was in service of a shoot or you know, some team meeting, but it really was a um magnificent run.
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And, you know, my wife was working full-time, my kids, you know, parenting my kids and my parents were always just amazing, dynamic duo.
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They were super successful in their own right, they both worked um full-time jobs.
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My dad was like CEO three times over, my mom ran her own business and everything like that.
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And so I just assumed they had it under control, even though there were some you know diagnosis along the way, which I'm sure we'll talk about.
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Yes, and as I recall, your dad was now I don't have the book in front of me, obviously.
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You mentioned your dad was a CEO several times over.
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You you tell me that story about your dad, he was quite an entrepreneur, big time, big time.
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Yeah, he was incredible.
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You know, both my parents are my role models, but yeah, my dad um was uh engineer by trade and he worked for Proctor and Gamble.
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It's so funny, like people younger than me, if I say PG, like a lot of times they just look at me, sort of blank stares, you know.
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But I assume you know PG and Proctor and Gamble, but yeah, he worked there in um in Baltimore, and that's where I was born.
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He worked kind of the factory there, and then they were doing a um kind of a cross-training program and wanted to see how he would do in other areas, you know.
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So we got into marketing and communications and got to move to the headquarters in Cincinnati.
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Um, and that's where I was raised.
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Uh, and you know, he wasn't CEO of Procter Gamble, but some high uh senior execs at PG were starting the small company called Lens Crafters.
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Um and uh they just had their first door in like Florence, Kentucky, and he came over to sort of run operations and then very quickly ascended to you know lead lead roles there, who was CEO of Lens Crafters, and then their parent company, USU, he became lead CEO there.
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Um, so you know, very powerful, you know, really strong businessman.
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And then what brought him out to the Bay Area a couple years after I moved out here was a CEO opportunity for beverages and more.
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It's like a a wine supply store.
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So yeah.
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I was trying to figure out the tie-in between USU and lens crafters.
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Not that that's necessarily salient to our conversation, but it must have just been a conglomerate.
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Is that right?
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Correct.
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Yeah, yeah.
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They mainly had like um retail clothing shops um that were, you know, and lens crafters was a little, it was kind of like their crown jewel, but also kind of an outlier, you know.
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And then the company that came to acquire USU and particularly lens crafters was a company called Luxotica.
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Umce they got acquired, that was for when my dad sort of like, all right, you know, he was just turning 50 and yeah, exactly.
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My mom and dad took this great, you know, trip across the country and all this kind of stuff.
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But yeah, they both were very, very successful and and drove hard hard bargains and you know that cascaded down to me.
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Point being that they were both super dynamic individuals in their own right, um, and very driven, right?
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Correct, yeah.
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And to to to the point that last word you said, driven, you know, we're talking a lot about my dad, and he was, but my my mom worked in marketing and advertising as well.
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Um, she also uh had for about five to seven years her own um, she made her own jewelry and clothing store in the neighborhood.
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So it was called she was very creative, yeah, very creative.
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She also raced cars, you know, to your last point of driven.
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Yeah, yeah.
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So she did a lot of mid-Ohio racetrack, souped up BMWs, and it was just incredible, you know, all the all the stuff.
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You had a picture in your book of her.
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Yes, one of the cars I believe.
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Very good.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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So both dynamic duo, you know, always worked hard, they traveled a lot, they were super social, loved by everyone, you know, just they were living.
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Right.
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Yes, you got it.
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Right.
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Um, and so here you are kind of cruising along in this kind of really high-powered role at Vista.
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Um, a lot going on in your life.
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As you mentioned, you know, you and your wife had kids, right?
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Um, and then your dad, as I believe, kind of the sequence of events, and please correct me if I'm wrong, your dad started to fall.
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Is that right?
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Yeah, I mean, that was part of it.
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I think what what really started it was um like his diet, so he was diagnosed with Parkinson's, and I think the first signs were, and this is common, where his voice was starting to get really slight, his face was starting to get the masked look, not as expressive.
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Um, his handwriting was going, you know, was getting really small.
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Um, and he didn't have any, he never had tremors or shakes or anything, but those are sort of the early signs.
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And yes, he was starting to fall a little bit, but nowhere near after he like he was officially diagnosed.
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And I sure I doc document this in the book too.
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I remember exactly where I was when that happened, even though if I'm being honest, I probably didn't take it probably as seriously as I should have at the time.
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But but the um, and not that I was being flip about it, but I just was like, I'm busy at work, I got my own family, and they were always like, Don't let us bother you, you know, we got this under control.
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But yeah, those are the so those are some of the elements.
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And yeah, then the falls started happening, and I mean, I can't even tell you how many, how many falls he had.
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My, you know, my mom always had to take him to the ER and you know, all this stuff.
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And she she tried to manage it all.
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So just to put a pin in that for a second, he did he never have the the tremors that we so commonly associate with.
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He didn't, he didn't, he didn't, he had yeah, he had all the other, like his at the end, like he could not speak verbally, you know, his his body was sort of seizing up on him, um, but he didn't have like the the shakes or anything along those lines.
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Yeah, and so um tell me kind of as you were, you know, still working at Visa, what was it okay?
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So let me back up a minute.
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Ultimately, you started to notice some things going on with your mom as well.
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Tell me about that.
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Yeah, so and and this all coincided.
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So I mentioned my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's probably around 2010 or so.
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Um, and it's a very slow and gradual disease, as you probably know or others know.
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And I mean, like everything, he attacked it with like he was doing all the meds, he was taking boxing classes, like he was gonna beat this thing.
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And my mom was basically convinced that she could like just outwork this and white knuckle it and and make him better, basically, and keep it how they keep it how they were.
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That's what they had been used to doing their whole life, right?
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They encountered the problem, they attacked it with rigor, and they solved it, right?
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Yes, exactly right.
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Yes, and and so you know, he was starting to decline, but then the pandemic hit.
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And you know, they live thankfully, you know, they live kind of across town from where we live now.
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You know, I didn't have to like fly back to Ohio or anything like that.
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Right.
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But you know, that that definitely accelerated what was happening, not only with my dad, because he couldn't get out any as much anymore or see doctors, and you know, my mom was starting, they they were great, they split up at all the chores and everything like that.
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Like he always cooked and she drove everywhere, but it was getting to the point where she was having to do everything, she was paying bills, she was doing taxes, and you know, yeah, we sort of noticed it um while the pandemic was going on, but you know, everyone had masks on, we couldn't like get close to them or anything, but it all it all came to a head um in late 2020.
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We were on a little family trip, we were up the coast visiting friends, doing some whitewater rafting, and a neighbor called me who I knew but had never been before and said my mom was displaying some kind of bizarre behavior, um, and that I need to get over there right now.
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And I was like, Well, I knew things weren't great, but it's like my mom has got it together, and she was very emphatic, was like, No, you need to get here right now.
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And I'm like, Well, I'm in Oregon.
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Right.
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But she's like, she didn't take no for an answer, and thank God she was like Paul Revere.
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And we got in our car and we drove 10 hours, and I'm making calls, and you know, we got there, and you know, thankfully we did because that, you know, my mom was a different person, and she basically had a mental break because of being the lone caregiver, you know, it was it was I'd never it was like a sci-fi movie.
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I'd never seen anything like it.
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It was can you explain a little bit about what was happening?
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Yeah, I mean, she was just convinced that there were um bad actors in this particular case.
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It was that the dark web was you know taking over the condo that they lived in, and that they were basically hacked all the devices in the in the condo.
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And so, you know, she was trying to warn my mom was trying to warn everybody that this was happening to them and like knocking on doors and everything, and you know, not like yelling or anything like that, but just complete maniacally focused on this.
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Yeah, and you know, that it was the dark web, it was things like you know the the IRS is gonna come and get us, or right, you know, the like they're all the portraits have been let out to the to it.
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So, you know, I think you know, she's of the boomer generation, and probably technology is a little overwhelming in some cases, you know, as they're trying to adapt to it.
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I mean, uh even me compared to my kids, like they're way ahead of me on things.
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So I think all that sort of seeped in, but you know, she also had this like the DNA of having you know depression and anxiety, and you know, it it led to psychosis, which it often does with that kind of yes, that kind of mixture, you know.
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Sure.
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And so she had a break in this instance, and she was perseverating on these issues, and it was causing her to act in these ways that were not common to her.
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Oh, yeah, big time, yeah.
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Like, and I thought that when, because you know, we've I have a great relationship with my parents, and you know, especially my mom, whenever I see her, it's always like a big Morgan and uh a hug, and you know, she always has a great smile and you know, has a great sense of humor.
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And you know, I thought once I if she saw me, like it would be different, right?
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Like she would snap out of it, and that was not the case at all, you know, and and it and she she had that break, and to be she had like two more after that as well, because we thought we kind of got everything in order and taking medication, and and I kept just like, well, all right, they're good.
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And I kept going back to my life and my busy world.
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And each time, you know, she had to be admitted two more times after that.
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So the first time she was in for a week, then it was three weeks, and then the last time it was three months.
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So, you know, it was it was pretty rough.
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And I was kind of a caregiver in denial at that point, right?
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And so just to kind of establish this, how it all unfolded, when you first got this call in when you all were in Oregon, how old were your kids at that time?
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They were probably they were still in high school, so they're probably I don't know, 15 and 12, something like that, maybe 14 and 11.
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It was like six, seven years ago.
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Okay, something like that.
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And how old were your folks?
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So they were they would have been like early 70s.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And so you're firmly in the sandwich generation at that point, right?
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So that is truly your situation.
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And tell me, as an only child, it explain to our audience, you know, how that hits differently, you know, as you're reflecting back on where you were in that moment and in that situation, right?
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Yeah, yeah.
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And that's you know, that's a big part of why I I wrote the book is that you know, I was going through all these times and it felt really dark.
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And I just wanted to document what was happening, if nothing else, just be like, you know, this is what's going on.
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Like I it just didn't feel like any of their friends or doctors, even like I it felt like everyone was like, Yeah, they're fine, they're doing great.
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It's like, no, they're not.
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But as I was writing and I was like, God, these are some dark days.
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I remember just all the great days as well that we had through the years and how amazing of a childhood I had and young adulthood, and you know, even now, like you know, I'm I'm very grateful for everything.
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So I I felt like it I needed to document this sort of only child journey.
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And because I think a lot of people prepare you, and it doesn't have to be for an only child, but there's a lot of preparation for having a kid and how to raise a kid.
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But you know, I mean, there's podcasts like yours now, but it didn't feel like there was a ton of information on what happens down the line when the script is flipped, you know, and you're now the teacher and they're the student or the caregiver, you know, and right that was important to me because yeah, early on it was idyllic, like I was a center of attention and got to be with my friends, and you know, all my friends had to be with their siblings.
00:20:17.359 --> 00:20:24.480
Like, I I'm not kidding, like there was no one in my neighborhood school team that was like an only child.
00:20:24.640 --> 00:20:27.279
Like I yeah at that point I was like the only one.
00:20:27.599 --> 00:20:29.920
And at that point I didn't think much of it.
00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:32.000
It's like, well, this is kind of cool, you know.
00:20:32.160 --> 00:20:41.119
But as I've gotten older, it's like, you know, and I'm grateful that I have an amazing wife and partner, you know, and now my daughters are the phase where they can help me out.
00:20:41.279 --> 00:20:45.599
But yeah, for a while there, it felt like wow, this is um this is a lot to take on.
00:20:45.680 --> 00:20:55.279
So it's just that that journey of the only child from like, you know, the salad days to like, oh my God, you know, all hell's breaking loose, kind of a thing.
00:20:55.599 --> 00:20:56.079
Yeah.
00:20:56.319 --> 00:21:05.039
Well, like I said, and I mean you you definitely had a doubly unique experience because it was both of your parents going through it at the same time.
00:21:05.279 --> 00:21:17.759
You know, my dad was virtually a paraplegic for nine years before he died, but that was earlier before my mom, you know, moved in with me and I went through my journey with her.
00:21:18.000 --> 00:21:28.559
But, you know, I I saw a um there was a segment about caring for elderly parents on NBC just yesterday morning on the Today Show.
00:21:28.960 --> 00:21:37.279
And the commentator was saying, what a um beautiful time of life this is when you care for your elderly parents.
00:21:37.519 --> 00:21:55.039
And while I agree with that, and I was extremely grateful to have the opportunity and ability to give my mother the life and death that she wanted, um, you know, it is also the hardest thing I've ever done.
00:21:55.279 --> 00:21:59.519
And I think, you know, you have as you did in your book, you have to share.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:11.680
both sides of that story so that people understand, you know, what it is that family caregivers are doing in this, you know, in this work.
00:22:12.400 --> 00:22:12.640
Yeah.
00:22:12.880 --> 00:22:18.400
Because there just aren't, as you said, there just aren't a whole lot of conversations about it out there.
00:22:18.880 --> 00:22:21.839
And I think these are important conversations to have.
00:22:22.240 --> 00:22:22.480
Yeah.
00:22:22.720 --> 00:22:23.279
So yeah.
00:22:23.519 --> 00:22:42.559
And I was going to say, like there's not um there weren't until that point there was no like blueprint or you know like we just sort of like jumped in, you know, and especially not to sound like um stereotypical, but there weren't a lot of examples to it just felt of of men doing this either.
00:22:42.640 --> 00:22:42.799
Yeah.
00:22:42.960 --> 00:22:47.519
You know, I'd have conversations and it'd be the daughter or or someone who's closer.
00:22:47.680 --> 00:22:48.079
Right.
00:22:48.240 --> 00:22:50.079
That also felt unique as well.
00:22:50.160 --> 00:22:57.200
And it just felt like everyone I was talking to there was a and maybe I was just early in in this process but there was an early adopter.
00:22:57.279 --> 00:22:57.519
Yes.
00:22:57.759 --> 00:22:58.480
Right, yeah, right.
00:22:58.640 --> 00:23:09.920
There was like a a lot of surprise and like wow I can't believe that or oh my parents would never want to talk about that or your mom I have a friend whose mom is sort of acting like that a little bit.
00:23:10.079 --> 00:23:14.720
So it just felt like more and more people I was talking to it felt like it needed to be documented.
00:23:14.880 --> 00:23:14.960
Right.
00:23:15.359 --> 00:23:15.599
Sorry.
00:23:16.240 --> 00:23:16.400
Yeah.
00:23:16.640 --> 00:23:22.160
No, no, you know, to your point, I read a statistic one time somewhere and I happen to have two boys.
00:23:22.240 --> 00:23:39.440
Um they're 23 and 20 now so they're men, but um I I preach at them all the time that I read the statistic uh somewhere that the um the most common predictor of whether or not you'll end up in a nursing home is if whether it is whether or not you have daughters.
00:23:40.079 --> 00:23:43.839
So I tell them look you guys are going to buck the trend now come on.
00:23:44.160 --> 00:23:45.920
So um yeah for sure.
00:23:46.640 --> 00:23:58.880
So um so then there came a a point a tipping point where you made the decision that you were gonna leave your job you were going to leave corporate America and become a family caregiver.
00:23:59.279 --> 00:24:09.920
So tell us what that decision looked like yeah I mean it was I was sort of an early adopter on one hand but also it took me a while to get there.
00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:36.319
And you know I was I was trying to sort of shape shave the edges of caregiving and sort of not go all in I took like a week off for vacation or I think one time I took longer than that off but it was always just like all right well this is a short term thing they'll you know I'll get them back on their straight and arrow and then I'll go back to my world and I and I did that for several years and and didn't make the decision.
00:24:36.480 --> 00:25:07.839
I mean I told you the first true thing happened around the pandemic you know things were leading up to it but I didn't get to the decision until like four years later you know that I really need to go all in and it was it was really at that point my oldest daughter was off of college and my youngest daughter was in high school and I vividly remember my wife and my youngest daughter just while I'm like trying to work late and I'm trying to manage doctor stuff and my parents and somebody fell and they they said to me like what are you doing man?
00:25:08.000 --> 00:25:13.359
You know your your parents are crashing and burning you know you you you can't do this.
00:25:13.519 --> 00:25:40.319
You know you you they deserve you and and and I'm getting like goosebumps just thinking about it because I would have gotten there I think but I don't know how much longer you know because I was I felt like I was ascending at my job and really I was in with the execs and I felt like I was on the on a good path you know and it just is like all right I'm really just gonna like give all this 30 years up of yeah ascending and falling a day.
00:25:40.559 --> 00:26:08.720
Yeah yeah and I'm sure in the back of your mind at least subliminally subliminally there was that gender pressure I mean here you are you're the man and you're in this big role I mean that is a lot to give up right I mean that is a sacrifice 100% yeah like I had to deal with my ego and you know again in the book I I I pros and cons are a big thing in my family and right it just felt like there was way more pros than cons.
00:26:08.960 --> 00:26:29.599
You know the cons would just be more about being selfish and being successful myself and you know I just I don't know even though like everything my parents instilled in me we never talked about like hey you know you take care of people when they're they need help from a health standpoint right I mean it was implied but we never had like explicit conversations about it.
00:26:29.759 --> 00:26:40.240
We obviously had a lot about like being successful and working hard and achieving goals and stuff but yeah it just you know it didn't matter like that's kind of how they raised me and I eventually got there.
00:26:40.319 --> 00:26:56.240
So it it took me some time you know and I think people at my work were also they were they were pretty surprised as well but they were also like they understood because they could see what I was going through and I was I was changing you know I was sort of not the same person.
00:26:56.400 --> 00:27:09.440
You know I was not I'm usually pretty jovial and I like to joke around and you know and I was not I was just like blowing past people and not really having any sort of meaningful conversation.
00:27:09.599 --> 00:27:12.400
So well I mean you were burning the candle at both ends.
00:27:12.559 --> 00:27:59.920
Yeah yeah if if nothing else it just takes a lot out of you physically mentally and emotionally to be managing all of that right yeah exactly and then I'd say the the moment besides my wife and youngest daughter you know saying this to me and sort of slapping me in the face was you know I was on another call and um there was just you know I was trying to talk on my pre you know my call early on and I think my daughter was going off to school and my wife was sort of around and I was just like I was kind of rude you know shushing them and you know trying to but meanwhile like calls are coming in that my dad's falling again and I just sort of yelled at not at the when everyone was there but I kind of yelled you know and slammed my fist down.
00:28:00.240 --> 00:28:03.680
And I think that was like the moment I was like I gotta make a change.
00:28:04.000 --> 00:28:04.319
Right.
00:28:04.400 --> 00:28:11.039
Yeah right yeah yeah and so you handed in your letter of resignation and and when was that then?
00:28:11.200 --> 00:29:16.240
What year was that that would have been um 2024 like middle of 2024 kind of a thing where are we middle of 2026 so yeah it's been a couple years ago you know yeah um yeah and and let me circle back to one thing that I meant to ask earlier how much do you think we we talked or we referred to the fact that your parents enjoyed socializing and enjoyed you know entertaining how much do you think that the the inability to do that during the pandemic do you think that that had an effect on maybe at least your mom's you know downturn oh for sure yeah they're always they were always on the go you know they always had projects they were doing whether it was like a new house or you know you know some new furniture in the place that needed to be put together you know my dad was really handy you know he was like a carpenter at one point and my mom had just great taste you know and is like they they just were incredible together and you know I think that it was it was frustrating to her because she was always they were both on the go go go.
00:29:16.319 --> 00:29:16.400
Right.
00:29:16.559 --> 00:29:20.319
And I think mentally my dad wanted to do that but he just couldn't anymore.
00:29:20.559 --> 00:29:54.960
You know and so everything was like everything took longer and yeah I I you know there uh the pandemic was terrible for for everyone right but I think there's different levels of terrible like for me you know my kids were of the age where they could do their own thing and it felt like it almost like brought us together as a family because we spent more time together but it was terrible for my parents you know they were they were doing okay to be honest and then the pandemic just like shut it all down and so they couldn't really get out anymore.
00:29:55.200 --> 00:30:47.839
They couldn't they weren't as social anymore you know and I know that's a big thing besides having daughters to take care of you they say being social um is probably the most important right yeah um and so that was cut off as well and my mom wasn't sleeping you know like and that didn't help right so it was like all night yeah right just sort of walking around the apartment and right doing chores that she didn't need to do but she's just like she got almost like forcibly trained her mind was racing yeah oh completely she could not shut it down yeah yeah yeah so you told a story in your book about um two different music events that you guys um one that you tried to go to and then another one that you did go to that was more successful and I wondered if you could relate those stories to to our audience.
00:30:48.160 --> 00:31:07.839
Yeah yeah so you know music's always been a big part of our family like my parents always had vinyl records growing up um in Ohio and they always you know they were big into like RB and soul and funk like my mom loves James Brown and they always play like Hollow notes and Earth Wind and Fire and so music's always been a big part.
00:31:10.319 --> 00:31:18.559
But as my you know my parents really got into jazz later on as well like they're they were heavily involved with the the jazz community out here in the Bay Area.
00:31:18.640 --> 00:31:40.799
And so you know they they would always go to concerts on their own you know before all this sort of was happening and as as sort of reward you know in that point my parents I was able to get them into an assisted living facility that wasn't far from their where they lived before and it was actually closer to us and it was it it fit their aesthetic and taste and everything like that.
00:31:40.880 --> 00:31:45.039
And you know they could deliver like the hundred meds that my dad needed and all that kind of stuff.
00:31:45.200 --> 00:31:46.720
So that was a big success.
00:31:46.880 --> 00:32:01.519
It wasn't it wasn't an easy thing to get them there but you know some of these things happen where it's like all right guys to get them to agree to it you mean correct yeah correct and almost like like things had to break in order for us to get in there.
00:32:01.680 --> 00:34:20.639
They were yeah not going quietly but it they they they finally realized they're like all right yeah you're right uh we do need a little bit help but anyway so as a reward is they seem to be doing a little bit better like my I got my dad into a wheelchair finally and he seemed okay with that he was resistant and you know took them to a nearby um jazz concert and you know it it was just the first time was just awful because you know my dad needed a lot of help and I was driving and dropping off and my my wife had to like wrangle like my dad and he had to use the bathroom a few times and the place at like multiple like levels and so anyway that was first time you went to a trying to go to a very large venue if I recall correctly yes yes and you tried to go to you tried to go to dinner first if I'm right correct yep yep and that was a disaster you had planned you had planned this really great event with dinner and then a a jazz a concert at a large venue and you were dropping them off and then your your wife was trying to assist your dad to go to go to the restroom and so you planned this really great event and unfortunately it ended up being a disaster because of the logistics of the event absolutely and then the second event describe it to us please yeah the second one you know we gave ourselves more time which is always important you know got there earlier it was like you got to allow yourself time it's you know it's it's almost like having I not to be disrespectful it's almost like having kids again to a certain extent where you got to just give yourself some time to to get out because it just takes a little bit of time but dinner was a lot more smooth this time I didn't drive we just hopped into like a ride chair yeah it was closer it's smaller it was like two levels smaller venue right yeah there was space for my dad's like wheelchair to get in um you know it was just a much more fun experience for us and for them you know the the CEO at the at the center gave a shout out to both my dad and my mom at that particular concert in front of everybody as it's you know it was just right yeah it was just like you know night and day from before from the so it ended up as it sounded like it ended up being a really magical night for them and that as it you know transpired for all of you.
00:34:20.960 --> 00:34:36.400
And that's the kind of thing that you know nobody you nobody gives you a handbook to tell you okay here's how you need to plan a night out with your aging parents right you just kind of have to road test it.
00:34:36.960 --> 00:36:49.920
Yeah yeah that's exactly right you know those are the kind of things where you think through you know your your father who needs help to the bathroom is probably not going to want to go to the bathroom with your wife to whom he's not related right and then this large concert venue even though you want them to have the best of all things and you want to take them to this great concert at the large concert venue a smaller concert venue is probably going to be better and you know all of those kind of things it just shows the kind of you know advanced planning you have to be an event organizer to take your parents to something like this right to to make that event smooth and a great night which is what you want because you want so badly for them to have a great time you you want that to happen great for everybody involved right yeah yeah exactly and it is a mind shift because you know so many times like my parents are like hey we're going to this concert do you and Michelle want to come along and exactly so right like now it's like we're the ones doing the planning and they're coming along when like for years we just to be them treating you to things right exactly exactly so that was sort of shout out to your wife here right you know let's give her a huge shout out for being a great partner to you you know through all of this completely you know that that would be like I I really you know whether you're married or not or you have you know maybe you have a partner or maybe it's a sibling or just a best friend like you right you need a obviously a large network for care but at the end of the day you need that like one person that you can tell everything and they can be honest with you and sometimes they just are good listeners and you know she did a great job of pointing things out maybe that I was missing because I was too close and you know she my parents treated her like a second child and she felt the same way about them you know so it didn't feel like it was never a burden for her to like help out and be there for for them and it still isn't so yeah right big shout out as you said you know she could be your objective witness to these things which as you said is so important.
00:36:50.800 --> 00:37:05.840
Correct the other thing is she wasn't born in this country and I feel like this country you know they have this you know and I'm guilty of it too this mentality of like drive hard till the wheels fall off kind of a thing.
00:37:06.000 --> 00:37:13.599
Once you're done with school get get out of the house you know once you're older you're put in a house you know and we'll see on Sundays.
00:37:13.920 --> 00:37:14.159
Right.
00:37:14.400 --> 00:37:26.559
And she grew up with like multi-generations in the house and people just took care of the elderly or babies had kids without like you know being paid or having an allowance it's just what you did.
00:37:26.639 --> 00:37:40.639
And so that helped too to get that perspective you know versus just like all right just keep grinding and because I really if I would have kept working I'm sure my dad who did pass away last year but I got to spend like over a year with him.
00:37:40.800 --> 00:37:41.039
Right.
00:37:41.119 --> 00:37:43.840
You know and I'm sure I'm not sure my mom would still be around.
00:37:43.920 --> 00:37:46.559
So it did feel like it was the right decision.
00:37:46.719 --> 00:37:50.320
Maybe I should have done it earlier but you know yeah no regrets.
00:37:50.639 --> 00:38:09.920
Well hindsight it's 2020 and you know I always tell people that you know I am so grateful and so privileged that you know spending that time with my mom we talked about everything all of the questions that I had from when I was growing up and questions about the way things went down and the way things happened.
00:38:10.000 --> 00:38:18.719
You know, we had so many candid and honest conversations and I asked her everything I had ever wondered about and I am so grateful for that.
00:38:18.880 --> 00:38:20.559
So yeah absolutely that's great.
00:38:20.639 --> 00:38:40.559
I'm glad you got that that experience yeah so as you just said um sadly you you lost your dad um and I'm so sorry for your loss tell us what ultimately happened there yeah so you know I mentioned Parkinson's and that definitely was taking its toll from a physical standpoint.
00:38:40.800 --> 00:39:05.760
Mentally he was still you know he he would freeze a little bit but he was still there mentally you know he he just even though he couldn't verbalize later on he just he was a joy to be around he liked being around us he would laugh a lot like honestly until the day he passed he never felt sorry for himself or you know he was always just an optimistic very positive dude and I think that carried him as far as possible.
00:39:05.920 --> 00:40:25.679
You know later on um he had heart failure you know and uh there was um you know I I learned a lot through through this experience and like the different things and what's happening and what's causing certain things but that we noticed that his legs were swelling up like the the calves are and they were they were like the doctor's like oh he should probably get an echocardiogram and I didn't know what that was but now I do it's like a you know a scan for your heart kind of a thing right heart and um and it was not good like it was pumping at a very low rate my dad said that he felt fine he didn't feel out of breath or tired or anything but that's ultimately what led him to us putting him on hospice you know because yeah um Parkinson's for whatever reason he didn't qualify for it but with the heart failure because it was so dire you know that he qualified for that and that was a whole did I don't did you deal with hospice because that was a whole nother um yeah because my parents especially my mom was like no like hospice is like death you know like do not do it and I came to learn like no it's just it's just care in home 100% you know because he would go to the ER like every few days yeah you know and it's always like the same thing.
00:40:25.840 --> 00:40:29.119
He's in there the doctors are like is this his baseline?
00:40:29.360 --> 00:40:34.800
And I was like yes and they're like all right well let's get him out of here and it just was like right it was an ongoing thing.
00:40:34.880 --> 00:40:42.719
So the hospice was a big thing and that the heart failure is what ultimately took him in um in the spring of 2025.
00:40:43.280 --> 00:40:58.719
Well and I am so glad that you mentioned that about hospice because um I I think that is the universal perception about hospice here in the United States is that it is only for immediate end of life care, which is not the case.
00:40:59.440 --> 00:41:42.559
And you know we in my case I that is exactly the perception that I had and you know my mom was completely lucid you know until the the very end of her life and I you know we talked she and I talked about it between ourselves but I did not want her to think that I was signaling that I was giving up and as a result we only had hospice for the last three weeks of her life which is so fortunate because hospice patients have a much better experience much better outcomes and you know the longer that you have hospice with you know you could patients can graduate from hospice and then come back onto hospice.
00:41:42.800 --> 00:41:47.440
So the longer you have hospice care the better patients generally do.
00:41:48.000 --> 00:41:57.840
And um and caregivers and individuals who are ill need to know that so that they can bring hospice on earlier.
00:41:58.239 --> 00:42:41.199
Yeah yeah that's exactly right and and I think you know I think the shorthand for hospice is like if you feel like it's maybe six months out that the end right exactly yeah and that's kind of what happened with my with my father he was on hospice for about six months um but we did kind of at first we were sort of toying with it because he would fall or something would happen with his Parkinson's right and we would take him into the hospital but if we did that then hospice would be taken away and you know so but I wanted to be like I was trying to like you know be a good good son and you know just adopt a little bit and not have my mom completely freak out.
00:42:41.360 --> 00:43:17.760
But you know we had a great relationship with the the hospice nurse that would come in and check on him all the time and he really appreciated it and you know ultimately we we were surrounding him like his family was around him when he did pass and he was in this comfort of his own home yeah you know and not like in this crazy hospital environment with like tubes and lights and all that so yeah yeah so and it was it was time you know it was it was tough right but it was a long goodbye with my dad and you know it helped my mom eventually move forward and she's doing a lot better now.
00:43:17.920 --> 00:43:52.000
She wasn't right after yeah yeah yeah yeah and that's that's something that it's sort of a cliffhanger in the book because you know a book is a book and it's a moment in time and it takes time to to read but if someone read the book they might be like oh gosh you know I I wonder how his mom's doing and you know it did even though like after he passed we're like mom you don't have to worry about him anymore you don't have to care for him but that's how her mindset was you know that's all she cared about for yeah at least the last 10 years or so and they were together for almost 60 years and it just takes time to sort of detach yourself from it.
00:43:52.159 --> 00:44:07.039
So I think the passage of time has helped right um she's been uh religious about staying on her meds where before she She would convince the doctors to get off her meds, which led to some tough behavior.
00:44:07.280 --> 00:44:07.440
Sure.
00:44:08.480 --> 00:44:12.239
She's doing um psychotherapy, physical therapy.
00:44:12.400 --> 00:44:19.280
Um, we finally got some surgery on she had like a really bad bunion, and her foot was making her so she couldn't walk anymore.
00:44:19.360 --> 00:44:20.480
And she had put that up.
00:44:20.559 --> 00:44:36.239
Like all these things, she got we got her hearing aids, cataract surgery, like all these things that she needed done, but she was just like, she totally did because my dad was just like, you know, it wasn't his fault, but he was just stuck in all the air and all the energy.
00:44:36.960 --> 00:44:40.559
And now yeah, you know, and now it just and she's so much better now.
00:44:40.719 --> 00:44:48.719
I mean, she's she's almost what 82, and she's got a sense of humor back, and she's very good, thoughtful, and grateful.
00:44:48.800 --> 00:44:58.159
And yeah, like we laugh about things and she hugs, and yeah, so she's she's made a cr incredible comeback, and we're super happy to have her there.
00:44:58.239 --> 00:45:00.239
Have her how is her sleep now?
00:45:00.960 --> 00:45:02.079
Much better, you know.
00:45:02.239 --> 00:45:17.599
She claims it might be the meds, and and maybe that's the case, but right she, you know, she goes, lights out at like nine or 10 where she lives, um, and then she gets up at like seven or eight, like just getting quite four times more sleep than she used to.
00:45:17.840 --> 00:45:19.119
Oh, yeah, very consistent.
00:45:19.360 --> 00:45:26.960
I she could eat a little bit more, that would be helpful, but you know, little wins here and there, and you know, wanting to be social, right?
00:45:27.039 --> 00:45:35.679
She lives by herself, but she's in a community that you know, a lot of fabulous elderly folks there, a lot of them women, because the men have like passed around.
00:45:36.000 --> 00:45:41.360
So you know, just continuing to push her to to make friends, you know, and and be social there.
00:45:41.599 --> 00:45:53.199
Because that sometimes the guilt there of, you know, I feel like if I don't sometimes go over there and have her take her somewhere, like no one's going to, you know, right because a lot of her friends have moved on.
00:45:53.360 --> 00:45:56.719
Um, either they've literally moved or they're not around anymore.
00:45:56.960 --> 00:45:57.599
Right, right.
00:45:57.840 --> 00:46:02.880
So, but the the place is packed with you know fabulous older people.
00:46:03.039 --> 00:46:05.599
So I'm hoping people work happens here.
00:46:05.760 --> 00:46:06.480
Yeah, exactly.
00:46:06.719 --> 00:46:07.519
Right, right.
00:46:07.920 --> 00:46:13.119
And so what are you up to these days, aside from uh having written a book?
00:46:13.519 --> 00:46:14.480
Yeah, yeah.
00:46:14.639 --> 00:46:21.760
So I still, you know, I as of right now, I'm not um planning on going back to a big corporate job.
00:46:22.000 --> 00:46:23.360
Maybe never say never.
00:46:23.440 --> 00:46:27.360
Um, I am doing a lot of like contract work with different things.
00:46:27.519 --> 00:46:31.039
I was wondering if we were doing any consulting or yeah, yeah, exactly.
00:46:31.199 --> 00:46:33.519
So I've been doing some of that, which has been helpful.
00:46:33.599 --> 00:46:39.760
Um, yeah, the book took a big part of my life, but I'm also doing, I'm really enjoying writing.
00:46:39.840 --> 00:46:43.440
Like I wrote a lot for work, but it was always like a PowerPoint presentation.
00:46:43.679 --> 00:46:44.000
Right.
00:46:44.320 --> 00:46:50.239
Got thousands of emails, creative brief, you know, but never got to write creatively myself.
00:46:50.400 --> 00:46:53.599
And so the book was an outlet for that too.
00:46:53.760 --> 00:47:08.000
But I've also got a weekly newsletter that I write that you know ranges about life and death and raising kids, but also music and sports and you know, yeah, different observations is what it is.
00:47:08.079 --> 00:47:13.519
So I I've been doing that on a weekly basis every Friday for about a year, and I I intend to keep doing it.
00:47:13.599 --> 00:47:16.719
I'm trying to think about like maybe what the next book is.
00:47:16.880 --> 00:47:20.880
Um, I did because there's definitely another, there's definitely a sequel.
00:47:21.199 --> 00:47:22.400
I feel like it, yes.
00:47:22.559 --> 00:47:23.199
I feel like it.
00:47:23.280 --> 00:47:31.760
I mean, I think um the other thing I've been doing is uh if you heard of Big Brother and Big Sister, like that whole so I signed up for that.
00:47:31.840 --> 00:47:41.119
Um, there was a lot of vetting that went into it, obviously, for for the right reasons, but so I've been a mentor to uh we call him our little.
00:47:41.599 --> 00:47:52.559
So I've been a mentor to him for like the last year, and that's been good, you know, because you know, I've raised two daughters, I've never raised a son, and I'm definitely not like a surrogate parent or anything like that.
00:47:52.639 --> 00:48:07.679
But it's of course it's great to be involved with uh you know a young man and his development, and you know, I've got a little bit more time on my hands, even though I'm still heavily involved with my mom, but of course both my kids are out of the house, you know, one just graduated college and one's in college.
00:48:07.760 --> 00:48:09.280
So that's happening.
00:48:09.519 --> 00:48:10.079
Yeah, right.
00:48:10.239 --> 00:48:10.480
Yeah.
00:48:10.559 --> 00:48:13.280
So just try I'm still trying to figure it out, you know.
00:48:13.440 --> 00:48:15.760
Yeah, I'm not making any statements.
00:48:16.079 --> 00:48:17.039
Yeah, exactly.
00:48:17.199 --> 00:48:18.000
Yeah, yeah.
00:48:18.239 --> 00:48:18.559
All right.
00:48:18.719 --> 00:48:25.440
So tell us what your top lessons have been from this caregiving journey as an only child.
00:48:25.760 --> 00:48:26.559
Yeah, yeah.
00:48:26.639 --> 00:48:32.159
And in the book, you know, there's um there's different, there's a different tip at the end of each chapter.
00:48:32.239 --> 00:48:35.599
Yeah, there's also a list of tips at the end, like a dozen tips.
00:48:35.679 --> 00:48:39.599
And you know, some of them might be like, well, duh, like that's pretty obvious.
00:48:39.760 --> 00:48:43.679
But I, you know, I would have said the same thing until it was like I actually went through.
00:48:44.719 --> 00:48:48.000
Yeah, that yeah, the communication is really important.
00:48:48.320 --> 00:48:51.760
You know, I mentioned I had a great growing up, a great family.
00:48:51.920 --> 00:48:53.199
We we talked about a lot.
00:48:53.360 --> 00:48:58.559
We didn't necessarily talk about things like medical history or finances, really.
00:48:58.800 --> 00:49:03.039
We didn't talk about like durable power of returning and medical directive.
00:49:03.119 --> 00:49:08.639
And when both my parents sort of fell off at the same time, it was I was scrambling trying to sort all this out.
00:49:08.719 --> 00:49:12.239
So having those types of discussions early on, yeah.
00:49:12.400 --> 00:49:21.119
Obviously, you know, use your judgment, you don't need to talk to your five-year-old about this, but you know, as they get older, okay, little Tommy, you're my POA.
00:49:21.519 --> 00:49:22.800
Yeah, there you go.
00:49:22.960 --> 00:49:24.000
That's exactly right.
00:49:24.239 --> 00:49:28.400
Um, but yeah, like learning learning your medical history, I think is really important.
00:49:28.480 --> 00:49:35.440
Like I didn't know on my mom's side of the family, like depression is basically permeating almost everybody, you know.
00:49:35.599 --> 00:49:36.960
So that's important for me.
00:49:37.119 --> 00:49:41.039
It's important that my daughters know that, that's so they can manage that.
00:49:41.199 --> 00:49:44.159
Um, so there's there's all those kinds of tips in there.
00:49:44.239 --> 00:49:50.400
I'd say the most important one is the one that I sort of waited until almost it was too late.
00:49:50.559 --> 00:49:59.840
And you know, it is a little generic, it's a whole like take care of yourself thing, but it is true because that's my my mom did not heed that, right?
00:49:59.920 --> 00:50:11.920
And it like she she ran off the road and I was heading that way until my wife and my youngest daughter sort of slapped me uh in the face, and I I got it together because I was turning into a different person.
00:50:12.000 --> 00:50:34.480
Because that would whenever I'd tell someone, I was a lot more open about it than maybe my parents would have been, but I was just telling everyone what was happening, you know, because I wanted to, and people appreciated that, but you know, uh they would always end with like, well, you know, make sure you take care of yourself, whether it's an email, uh, and I'd always be like, Okay, yeah, right, you know, and just sort of like mentally check it.
00:50:34.800 --> 00:50:38.559
But I was, yeah, but I wasn't, and I definitely felt like I was changing.
00:50:38.719 --> 00:50:49.760
So I, you know, stepping away helped, therapy definitely helped, you know, talking about it, you know, giving myself some patience and grades, just like I gave my my folks that.
00:50:49.840 --> 00:50:51.599
So that that really helped as well.
00:50:51.760 --> 00:50:56.719
But yeah, it's it's not a it's not a clinical advice book by any means.
00:50:56.800 --> 00:51:08.400
I'm I'm not a professional in that in that way, but you know, I've chosen to deliver these tips and tricks through my personal journey in my prism.
00:51:08.639 --> 00:51:21.920
So that felt like an easier way to sort of rather than just listing out a bunch of tips without any sort of context, you know, the my personal prism and anecdotes hopefully help bring to life the the tips that I lay out in the book.
00:51:22.400 --> 00:51:23.039
For sure.
00:51:23.280 --> 00:51:33.679
Well, and I think your last point is, you know, really it's that whole put your own oxygen mask on first before you put the oxygen mask on others, right?
00:51:34.079 --> 00:51:50.480
Which is, as you said, not just what you needed to do, but also as you pointed out, what your mom needed to have done in order to have not driven herself off the tracks because it really could have taken her a lot further down than it did.
00:51:51.039 --> 00:52:07.039
Um, you know, she's fortunate that her neighbor, as you said in the book, that her neighbor was kind of Paul Revere in sounding the alarm on that whole situation and that you guys were able to kind of get that, you know, steered back into the lane.
00:52:07.360 --> 00:52:12.239
Um, but yeah, it's like the see something, the TSA see something, say something, you know.
00:52:12.480 --> 00:52:15.519
And I think a lot of people are like, oh, you know, they're not sure.
00:52:15.760 --> 00:52:19.519
It's like they don't offend anyone, you know, but this neighbor.
00:52:19.599 --> 00:52:26.639
And my wife was like that too, like pointing some things out where I was like, no, I think she's all right, or there he's he's fine.
00:52:26.800 --> 00:52:30.639
And it's like, no, you know, you gotta have that separate conversation.
00:52:30.880 --> 00:52:31.679
Yeah, exactly.
00:52:31.840 --> 00:52:34.239
She needs help, even though she's not asking for it.
00:52:34.559 --> 00:52:42.480
It's really only, you know, our secrets are only dangerous to us um to the extent that we keep them bottled inside.
00:52:42.719 --> 00:52:46.400
When we share all that stuff, you know, we can do something about it.
00:52:46.639 --> 00:52:47.119
That's right.
00:52:47.360 --> 00:52:49.840
So um, your book is so great.
00:52:50.000 --> 00:53:01.519
Um, it really does provide that slice of life from inside this journey that you, you know, you really feel like you're there with you going through all of this.
00:53:01.679 --> 00:53:16.639
And as I said at the beginning, you know, being a family caregiver, regardless of if you have 19 siblings who are all really close to you and involved in this, I would imagine is, you know, it's really I it can be really isolating, feel really isolating.
00:53:16.800 --> 00:53:25.440
You know, when you're there at three o'clock in the morning cleaning up the bathroom floor for the, you know, sixth time, you know, it's just it can be very isolating.
00:53:25.679 --> 00:53:37.840
And, you know, just reading the book and feeling like you're right there with you, um, you know, it's just a great uh sense of the commonality of what all of us go through or have gone through.
00:53:38.079 --> 00:53:40.880
So I recommend it as a terrific read.
00:53:41.039 --> 00:53:52.880
And, you know, we're gonna post the link um on our show notes, and I'd love to get the link to your newsletter also so that we can post that on the show notes and keep up with what you're up to.
00:53:53.199 --> 00:53:53.679
Great.
00:53:53.840 --> 00:53:55.920
I would love to appreciate it.
00:53:56.239 --> 00:53:58.960
So, Morgan, thank you so much for your time this morning.
00:53:59.119 --> 00:54:00.559
I really appreciate it.
00:54:00.800 --> 00:54:07.119
As I mentioned, um, your book, The Only Problem, How to Care for Aging Parents When You're An Only Child.
00:54:07.280 --> 00:54:08.320
It's a great read.
00:54:08.400 --> 00:54:13.039
It'll be on our show notes so that you can click the link and pick up a copy of it.
00:54:13.199 --> 00:54:17.039
And thank you so much for sharing your time and experience with us today.
00:54:17.440 --> 00:54:18.320
Thank you, Julie.
00:54:18.480 --> 00:54:19.440
Appreciate you having me on.
00:54:19.519 --> 00:54:19.920
It was fun.
00:54:20.239 --> 00:54:21.760
All right, yeah, it was.
00:54:21.920 --> 00:54:22.719
Thank you so much.
00:54:23.039 --> 00:54:24.079
All right, all right, guys.
00:54:24.239 --> 00:54:25.679
That's it for taking care.
00:54:25.840 --> 00:54:28.239
Um, I'm sorry, not taking care.
00:54:28.559 --> 00:54:31.599
Um, that's it for our show today.
00:54:31.840 --> 00:54:34.480
Um, come and clean about caregiving.
00:54:34.719 --> 00:54:35.440
I really am.
00:54:35.599 --> 00:54:40.559
When you come back next week, I really am gonna have made progress, I swear to you.
00:54:40.880 --> 00:54:43.840
Um, we have another great guest coming out next week.
00:54:44.079 --> 00:54:53.679
Uh, be sure to check our LinkedIn and um my Instagram to learn more about who we're gonna be talking about next week and the terrific information we're gonna be bringing you.
00:54:53.920 --> 00:54:59.119
In the meantime, have a wonderful weekend and take care of yourself.
00:54:59.280 --> 00:55:03.920
Put your own oxygen mask on first, and I will look forward to seeing you here next week.