Episode 18
Transcript:
[00:00:00] [🎵 Intro Music]
[00:00:07] Gabbie: Hey everybody, welcome to Comically Exposed. My name is Gabbie and this is episode 18. My co host as always is
[00:00:18] Heather: Heather Nye.
[00:00:19] Gabbie: There she is.
[00:00:21] Heather: I don't know why I said my last name too, because you said Gabbie and I got distracted by my screen.
[00:00:26] Gabbie: Well, I'm kind of like Prince. I just have the first name. So it's fine. Anyway, it's a fantastically cool episode because we have an amazing guest. Um, so I met this person during the pandemic, like I meet all of my good friends, um, doing comedy stuff. So. I'm gonna let them introduce themselves.
[00:00:53] Maeve: Hi, my name is Maeve. Yes, we met doing improv. A really great first story. It's a great way to meet someone. It really is. You get to really know their true core. In improv.
[00:01:08] Gabbie: I mean, yeah. Especially Zoom improv, there's just like a whole other layer of, we'll go with fun, but anyway, Maeve, do you pronounce your last name Forti? Is that?
[00:01:25] Maeve: For, yes, but I say Forty, like the number.
[00:01:28] Gabbie: Oh. That's even cooler.
[00:01:30] Maeve: Oh, you made a, you made a face like, ew.
[00:01:32] Gabbie: Oh no, I was just like, damn, that is such a cool name. Hi, Maeve Forti, no big deal. So along with being freaking hilarious, Maeve, you are also an actor, is that correct?
[00:01:54] Maeve: I am. I am an actor. Um, I'm a lot of Aspiring. Yeah. I'm an aspiring multi hyphenate.
[00:02:07] Gabbie: That's fantastic. What are some of your aspirational hyphenates?
[00:02:12] Maeve: Um, writer. That's something I'm, I've been doing recently more of, um, and trying to make my own films. You know, we'll see where all these things lead, but acting is still my, my priority, but it's very slow right now. So it's, there's nothing to really speak about there.
[00:02:36] Gabbie: Okay. Well, I feel like I want to grill you more about these films, but also like one of the main reasons that we invited you on this podcast, besides the fact that you're hilarious and amazing is because you happen to have. O. C. D.
[00:02:58] Maeve: Oh, that was so fun.
[00:03:04] Gabbie: Yeah, we do that. It's, we haven't done it before, but now we're going to do it. Fire on out. Just fully inspired by you. So, uh, Maeve, what particular flavors or how does your OCD present?
[00:03:20] Maeve: So, that's a great question. Um, I really, I mean, I didn't even really know that I had OCD until recently, I guess. Um, and, I, I feel like at this point they've given me all of the diagnoses that, you know what I mean? Like, it's, uh, it's like a pie chart of mental illness and uhhuh. I, so, you know, first they said it was depression and then anxiety, and then ADHD, and now. landed on OCD. So really, um, I just have them all, I guess.
[00:04:00] Gabbie: Collected a full passport of the mental mishaps. Nice. Yeah.
[00:04:05] Maeve: Uh, and for me, it's really Um, I guess, I know you guys were talking about this on one of your episodes, Pure OCD, which is more, that's not, I guess, officially what they've told me, but I feel like that's more where I lean because I, um, just have most of it for me, it's like these, the intrusive thoughts, a little less so on the repetitive behaviors. Um, but yeah, and that's kind of how I--
[00:04:33] Heather: That you're aware of, that you're aware of.
[00:04:36] Maeve: Yes. That exactly. It's less, I guess it's less of the things that I typically associated with OCD, which is why I didn't really realize that I had it. But what's that thing you take the, like diagnostic, uh, test you're talking about?
[00:04:54] Gabbie: Yeah, there's so many of them, but are you referring to the Y-BOCS?
[00:04:57] Maeve: Oh, that's it. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. And I remember just when I was filling it out, it's almost like scary to acknowledge the things that you think, you know what I mean? Cause I thought so many of these things were taboo and made me crazy. So in some ways that was nice, a nice, revelation that it's somewhat, you know, it's, it's okay. I'm not alone here.
[00:05:24] Heather: Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing with it. That's why nobody really talks about those things because we have an increased amount of, um, intrusive thoughts, like more than the average person. And a lot of them, you know, go after like what we find most important. And then also the things that we would most likely not do, you know, like the most, you know, things and then it builds shame and guilt and fear of like, you know, repercussions, you know, of things because you just thought of it, but our minds kind of zero in. Like, that it has meaning, rather it just being a weird thought, it has a meaning of like, why did I think that way?
[00:06:05] Maeve: Right.
[00:06:06] Gabbie: And what does it say about me at my core? Exactly. Plus, I feel like as women, I think we're also very socialized to be like, just show a very normal face to people and just go ahead and fit in and ignore all of those really fun, intrusive thoughts.
[00:06:28] Maeve: Yeah.
[00:06:29] Gabbie: So, um, okay. So like a recent diagnosis, huh?
[00:06:35] Maeve: Yeah. I, so back in, um, When I was in college, I started to explore this with my, uh, my then therapist and psychiatrist, but then it kind of, well, not to be like a Debbie Downer, but then my mom died and then it was a whole thing and, but that made everything worse. You know, all of these issues. So yeah, and then I kind of, I feel like from there I was able to figure out what was really going on. But everything was heightened. I feel like it still is heightened, you know, I haven't, it's been five years, which seems like a long time, but I don't know,
[00:07:15] Gabbie: It's not that long, yeah.
[00:07:16] Heather: No, it's not that long. Yeah.
[00:07:18] Gabbie: Um.
[00:07:19] Heather: Wow.
[00:07:20] Gabbie: Yeah. Okay. Also, the fact that you had all those other diagnoses, did those happen earlier in life as well?
[00:07:31] Maeve: Um, the depression and anxiety did. That was, I've, but I, you know, I, I had always had anxiety pretty bad, but it was the sort of, I don't want to, I always have a hard time like thinking back about my childhood because my mom didn't really want. Me to have anxiety, you know, one of those situations where I feel like she was very, she was so loving and so open and willing to talk about anything. But I think it was more of a fear of some of it was probably shame on her for what she felt about being a single mother and all this stuff. We could go on for days about that, but I never was officially diagnosed, never went into therapy and stuff when I was younger, not until I went to college and was kind of on my own.
So, yeah. Yeah. That I started seeking treatment for that sort of stuff. And then, um, the ADHD diagnosis came later, too, after my mom. Um, and I feel like a lot of those ADHD symptoms, uh, would just really change. Like, I used to be, I just felt more functional with it before, like in school. And then, without the structure of school and all this stuff, It just completely changed, it became so much less manageable.
[00:08:42] Gabbie: Oh, yeah.
[00:08:43] Heather: Yeah.
[00:08:44] Gabbie: I mean, it's an, I was just talking to my ADHD therapist
about the balance between my OCD therapy and the ADHD therapy, because in OCD, if you do things repetitively, that is bad, bad, bad, but for ADHD to have structure, to have routine, like college and classes, or whatever it is, it's like, so incredibly helpful just in remembering what day it is, you know what I mean?
[00:09:13] Maeve: Right. And at the same time, I hated that structure. So it's like an in between. I don't feel like I'm thriving in either environment, but when I was in school, I was always, and I'm sure you can relate. I was always doing my own thing. I couldn't pay attention in class, would teach myself later, but still somehow the existence of structure and like somebody holding something over me was still made it easier to function. Whereas now I'm like, Oh, I can go a whole day and just all I'm going to accomplish is the dishes sort of thing.
[00:09:48] Gabbie: Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I also wonder, like, how do you feel about this? And I've like, I feel like my ADHD came first, and my OCD was really a reaction to controlling, like, the ADHD stuff. That's my current theory.
[00:10:11] Maeve: Yeah, that's...
[00:10:12] Gabbie: How do you feel?
[00:10:13] Maeve: That's really interesting. I, it's, I don't really know, because for me, I didn't even I never thought I had ADHD until I was a little bit older. But looking back, I see some of those tendencies. But my mom had such severe ADHD, you know, if she didn't take her Adderall one day, she was completely nonfunctional, you know?
So that's what I thought ADHD was. She was at like the polar end of the, you know, the spectrum, whereas I was high functioning in school and like I got good grades, all that stuff. So nobody really. And I know there's a different statement for girls with ADHD, they don't look at them the same way. So for me, it was just like, oh, she couldn't possibly have this. Um, so...
[00:10:56] Gabbie: Too high functioning.
[00:10:57] Maeve: Yeah, exactly. And I think that's what, that's what my family thought. That's what my doctors thought. Um, and then, you know, I think the grief just made it spiral. And then I kind of had more of those classic symptoms. Um, so I don't know. I mean, it's, it's, I, I, I can see what you're, uh, what you mean, but for me, I don't know, just because I didn't have that idea of myself having ADHD until pretty recently.
[00:11:21] Gabbie: Mm hmm. Okay. So how does your ADHD present or did it now that it's changed?
[00:11:28] Maeve: Yeah. Um, just, I mean, uh, the executive functioning issues is the number one problem for me. And I really, when it comes to, uh, being in charge of my own career, my own life, cause I'm like you guys doing, you know, trying to do writing and acting and all this stuff.
And it's, it got to a point where I just couldn't get anything done and I was always feeling behind and then, then there's a lot of shame and guilt and then it spirals into depression. So it just all adds to each other. Um, but that's why I was so confused because when I was in school. I just didn't feel like I struggled that much.
I did struggle with the procrastinating issue. You know, I would wait until the 11th hour to write a 10 page paper. It's like, whatever. But it became such a problem in real life where I would just, I mean, and spend, like I said, all day doing one thing that's completely unrelated, like, you know, organizing photos from 20 years ago. And then I'm like, Oh my God, it's 7 PM. I didn't get anything accomplished. And then it's just, but that was every day doing something that was not helping me accomplish my goals. And that's when I was like, okay, this is getting in the way of me achieving my, what I want to.
[00:12:46] Heather: Yeah.
[00:12:48] Gabbie: Executive functioning is so real. And, uh, I don't know if you also do this, but I follow a lot of like ADHD people on Instagram and stuff like that. And I love, like the recent term I heard is side quests. So like, organizing the photos and stuff is a side quest that you like, go to and then accomplish and you're like, but did I accomplish anything? Because I just did that and not my goal for the day or whatever it is.
[00:13:17] Maeve: Yes.
[00:13:18] Gabbie: And then, um.
[00:13:19] Maeve: Yeah, I also have a habit of actually, this is, I mean, it all kind of falls under the umbrella of executive dysfunction, but one of my biggest issues is starting things and not completing them. And I don't mean like small things like a load of laundry, but that too, like I'll leave the load of laundry in the washer for six days and then be upset that I have to rewatch it. It smells bad.
[00:13:42] Gabbie: It's a classic.
[00:13:45] Maeve: But the bigger stuff, like. I don't know. I'll wake up and I'll be like, all right, I'm going to start a podcast today and I'm going to buy all the stuff and I'm going to buy a 200 dollar microphone and I'm going to, and I literally will do the big stuff and then it gets time to do whatever. So me, I have to figure out some small little thing and I'll just abandon it. A thousand dollars is gone and I'll never, I'll never touch any of that stuff again.
[00:14:10] Gabbie: Oh my god, it's so real. Yeah, just like 20 years ago, I was like, I'm gonna be such a wilderness person and backpack all the time. And I spent so much money on gear. And then, uh, uh, I didn't go backpacking for another 12 years, so I think nailed it.
[00:14:37] Maeve: Oh my god. Or like a blender they'll buy, a really nice blender. Or we just had a wedding where I got married last year, but we had like a registry and whatever, and I put all this very, thank you, very aspirational stuff on the registry. Like.
[00:14:52] Gabbie: Yes.
[00:14:53] Maeve: A juicer. I've literally never touched it. Okay, I hope the per I hope the person that bought it doesn't hear this one. Literally, I've never I don't even think I've opened it out of the box. And I think it's like, I don't know what the pro, sometimes you get so frustrated with yourself because you're like, what is the problem? I want to juice my own oranges. I just can't.
[00:15:19] Gabbie: Yes. But also, okay, is there like, so when I get that kind of, uh, idea going, I also have this picture of the person who juices me as a person who juices, right? And I live in this like beautifully curated home and everything is organized and it's so aspirational.
[00:15:44] Maeve: Oh my god. No, this is, that has got to be what it is because I don't have the same thing. I'll I can't learn how to juice until, like, I clean my cabinets, and then I'll be like, well, I can't clean my cabinets until I buy the right kind of steam mop, and then, like, it just nev wait, this literally just happened, because I just bought a steam mop, because I couldn't
[00:16:05] Heather: Yes.
[00:16:05] Maeve: I was like, I can't clean until I buy this steam mop, obviously.
[00:16:08] Gabbie: Obviously.
[00:16:12] Maeve: It's terrible.
[00:16:14] Gabbie: Yes, a thousand percent, and, and it'll be one teeny, teeny, tiny, tiny step. It's either like, oh, well, I can't do this until I do 12 other huge tasks. Like I have to get rid of all the stuff in my garage and donate it appropriately and make sure that I'm recycling. enough for future generations to look back and be like, she was a good person. Right. Or it was like such a teeny tiny thing, which is like, I'm going to juice today. I'm going to the farmer's market. I get to the farmer's market. Something is wrong with the way the oranges look. Or there's just, I don't know, there's like some teeny tiny thing where it's like, well, I only brought 10 dollars, so I could only buy two oranges.
And what is the point of juicing only two oranges? So let's just leave it in the box and never
[00:17:09] Maeve: Yes.
[00:17:10] Gabbie: Juice.
[00:17:10] Maeve: Exactly. And I, I mean, especially with the talking about the
getting rid of clothes and then all the I'm constantly getting rid of clothes. I don't know where the clothes are, the new clothes are coming from, really. But I'm always like throwing big bags of clothes, but then they'll stay in my trunk for six months. It'll never get there. Get to, you know, Salvation Army, Goodwill, whatever, they will never. But the thought, the thought was there. It was.
[00:17:40] Gabbie: A thousand percent. And you're a good person for having that particular thought, just so you know. No, currently, like, there is a pile in my garage that is stuff that I need to give away, but part of it is, I know I can't give it away to the Salvation Army because they are hugely anti LGBT, right?
[00:18:00] Maeve: Are they really? I didn't even know that.
[00:18:02] Gabbie: Yeah. And when they, the people that they like help out, like the people that they get sober or who are housing insecure or whatever, they also make them be like very Christian.
[00:18:11] Maeve: Oh God.
[00:18:12] Gabbie: So there's that. Yeah. And so then I'm like, okay, so it's gotta be Goodwill, but then Goodwill is closed on a Sunday or something like that. And that was the day. So instead I'm with you. There is so much stuff in my trunk as well as my garage. And this is where I think, you know, ADHD does lead into OCD because for me, this is some perfectionism coming through, right?
I have to do it the way and either, oh God, I don't, I was in the shower this morning and I was like, why do I have rules for showering? Why? Why? Like, as I'm showering, I'm like, Wait, why is there a routine to this? Like, who decided that? And the thought of not, like, washing my face before I wash my body was so abhorrent. But who, why?
[00:19:09] Heather: Yeah. So it's, you noticing that is actually really important, actually.
[00:19:14] Gabbie: Because your acknowledgement is the first step.
[00:19:16] Heather: Yeah. Acknowledging the, oh, that's a rule. I'm rigid on this. That's, that's good, Gabbie.
[00:19:23] Gabbie: Oh, thank you.
[00:19:24] Maeve: Good job.
[00:19:27] Gabbie: Thank you.
[00:19:27] Heather: I mean, I don't have ADHD. Although Gabbie diagnosed--
[00:19:31] Gabbie: You brag, brag.
[00:19:32] Heather: I know. Although Gabbie has diagnosed me with aDHD
multiple times.
[00:19:35] Gabbie: I diagnosed everyone with ADHD.
[00:19:37] Maeve: Me too. It's bad. It's bad. And TikTok,
[00:19:41] Gabbie: I think I just--
[00:19:42] Maeve: Oh, sorry.
[00:19:42] Gabbie: Yes, no no, please.
[00:19:44] Maeve: And TikTok, I know, I mean like it's maybe going away, but it diagnosis me with everything. It's like, oh yes, you do this. You have autism.
[00:19:53] Gabbie: Bipolar.
[00:19:53] Maeve: Yep.
[00:19:54] Gabbie: Yes.
[00:19:54] Heather: Yep.
[00:19:54] Maeve: All right.
[00:19:57] Gabbie: I know. And then I'm just like, well, maybe.
[00:20:00] Maeve: Yeah, right.
[00:20:01] Gabbie: Yeah. Who am I to say, who am I to say that TikTok is not correct? Yeah, the algorithm chose to show me this for a reason.
[00:20:12] Maeve: Exactly. Exactly.
[00:20:15] Gabbie: So, um, okay, so I wanted, I'm sorry to interrupt. Heather, you were saying that I diagnose you with ADHD multiple times a day and that's not wrong. That's very true.
[00:20:28] Heather: Well, uh, but I did learn something about ADHD, um, recently and it was about time blindness and about seeing what time blindness is. And it's about ADHDers see it vertically rather than linearly. So when you see time, you see everything that needs to happen.
[00:20:46] Gabbie: Yeah.
[00:20:46] Heather: Rather than seeing it all being done in a linear fashion and I'm like, that makes sense to me.
[00:20:51] Maeve: Oh. Okay.
[00:20:53] Gabbie: So linear thing. Yeah.
[00:20:55] Maeve: So we, so we're seeing it. So we, we see things all at once. Is that what you're saying? And that's why we can't start anywhere.
[00:21:03] Heather: Yes.
[00:21:04] Maeve: I mean, I had a therapist once who was like, okay, we're going to, we're going to, we're your goal, your job for the week is to write a to do list, but with like everything, whatever, every single thing. And I'm like, I hear this. She's like, it's okay. It could, maybe it'll take multiple weeks to, for you to do this one simple task. And I'm thinking to myself, like, what on earth is wrong with me? I can't just make it to do. I never made it. I never could even start. I couldn't even figure out the first thing to put on the to do list. I'm like. Number one, get life together. Like, I can't. What am I supposed to put on this to do list?
[00:21:39] Gabbie: Yes, yes, exactly. It is, it's like, either my to do list is like a philosophical, like, all encompassing what is the meaning of life. Just right at the top. Or it's like, find the other red sock.
[00:21:56] Maeve: Exactly. And usually they're mixed together. It'll be like, rediscover religion and then like take out trash.
[00:22:03] Gabbie: Yes, exactly. Exactly. And it's so true. It is so vertical. I mean, just you trying to say, Heather, that it's linear. I was like, no, it's not.
[00:22:17] Heather: Well, then how people, other people can see tasks linearly, but, um, ADHDers tend to see it vertically. Like they'll see all the tasks, not just one task.
[00:22:28] Maeve: Yeah.
[00:22:28] Heather: All of them. And then that makes sense. Like why people would feel like. Like, like, oh, I don't know what to do.
[00:22:37] Gabbie: Overwhelmed. I know, when people are like, okay, write down, because I've also done a similar thing Maeve, where they're like, write down the to do list, and then just pick like three or four items, and I'm like, stop.
How the fuck do you pick out three or four items? And they're like, well, just prioritize. And I'm like, again? How in the living fuck? How do I know which one of these things is more important to do? And this is where like having school and deadlines is helpful because like you were talking about that 10 page paper that you do the night before.
I'm like, well, that is a dopamine hit just all night long, right? So that makes sense. I can prioritize that thing. But how do people fucking like it's assigned. It's not due for three months and they're like, well first I'm gonna do an outline based on my research and then I'm gonna fill it out and I'm like, you can go to hell. You can go straight to fucking hell.
[00:23:39] Maeve: I've never done an outline for anything in my whole life.
[00:23:44] Gabbie: Yes.
[00:23:44] Maeve: No. Ever.
[00:23:46] Gabbie: So, when you're trying to, like, write for comedy, well, I don't know if you're writing for comedy or you're writing, like, plays about, again, rediscovering religion or what have you.
[00:23:57] Heather: Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
[00:23:58] Gabbie: Um, but when you're writing, do you just go off of, like, flow in your brain? Not an outline? Do you just have random post its on a wall next to you?
[00:24:10] Maeve: That's, yeah. That's, yeah. So, this is why the writing is in progress, because it's, I find it very hard to ever finish one thing. I will, I'm always like, okay, I can't write this thing without having an outline. But then I'm like, I don't know how to do an outline. I don't like outlines. I don't want to do an outline. So I'll start just, you know, stream of consciousness. I'm like, Oh, this is a great fucking idea. And like, and then I look in my, and then I look in my Notes app. I've got 8,000 notes with ideas for things. Like stories, sometimes I'll just, I'll be like, wow, this is so good. And I'll start writing like a whole chapter and then I just give up on it. I find it six months later at the bottom of my Notes app. I mean, this is why things don't get done because I don't have a good way to, I don't know, organize my thoughts.
[00:25:00] Heather: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:25:04] Gabbie: And accountability and.
[00:25:06] Maeve: Yeah.
[00:25:06] Gabbie: Whatever. I mean, honestly. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. No, no.
[00:25:09] Maeve: I was just gonna say, this is, I have a really, I have a love hate relationship with planners. I like to buy them.
[00:25:18] Gabbie: Get out of my head, Maeve.
[00:25:22] Maeve: But when it comes to, and I'm like, I'll get the prettiest one, you know, whatever. The thing that advertises, this is the cure for ADHD, whatever. I'm like, okay. Yes. I'm like, Oh shit, wherever you've been, I literally will write in it for one day. And I'm like, you know, I just, I don't know because it seems like it should work.
And I have this one that's really, it does both. It does like the short term and the long term. It'll be like, what's your three year goal? I'm like, Oh yeah. Okay. I got this. So I'm going to, you know, And then I just, I don't know. I'm really into it for four days.
[00:25:59] Gabbie: Yes.
[00:26:00] Maeve: And then it's like I never even bought it. I never thought of it again.
[00:26:03] Gabbie: Yeah. It's with the juicer.
[00:26:06] Maeve: Exactly.
[00:26:07] Gabbie: Yeah.
[00:26:08] Maeve: God.
[00:26:10] Heather: In the back of the closet, the shame closet.
[00:26:13] Maeve: Oh my God. People don't understand these, like the closet, the drawer that just has all the unfinished projects in it. I thought this was, I thought this was an everybody thing.
[00:26:22] Gabbie: Yes. Okay. That is the other thing about. We'll just say mentals, where it's like part of it is like, I assume everybody is doing this and having these thoughts and feelings and fears. And then the other one is like when you did the Y-BOCS, which I was going to look up so that the listeners could know what we're talking about. It's like the Yale Behavioral, Obsessive, Compulsive, do it list. You got this girl. Something like that. Anyways, but like. So, it's either I assume everybody is like me or I assume I am the only one who is thinking these bananas thoughts and then you fill out the Y-BOCS and you're like, how the fuck did they know? How do they know that I pile things in threes and sevens and if I don't, bad things are gonna happen to all my loved ones. Like, how do they know that?
[00:27:22] Maeve: Yeah.
[00:27:23] Heather: Yeah.
[00:27:24] Maeve: I found it really, I, I felt a lot of shame even just filling the
thing out because I was like, I was like, Oh, Oh, I know I can't put this like some of the intrusive thoughts. I know we were, we were saying sometimes it's like the opposite of your, your, your morals or your beliefs. And that's really where mine are. And I always just felt so much shame. I never brought it up to my therapist until whenever, like a very long time, because I thought that they would send me away somewhere. I mean, really, you know, and really.
[00:27:52] Heather: Yeah..
[00:27:53] Maeve: So when I saw that this was part of the, you know, the diagnostic criteria, I'm like, Oh, okay. But I still have a hard time. I still, even after doing the thing, I felt almost uncomfortable. I'm still working on that, talking about these things with the therapist because they just seemed so taboo. Yeah.
[00:28:16] Gabbie: Mm hmm.
[00:28:17] Heather: Yeah, you know, I tend to minimize that it's a problem. That's, that's how I make mine smaller. And I still do. And I've been talking to the same psychiatrist for two years. Um, so yeah, I feel you on that one.
[00:28:31] Gabbie: Well, you don't want to put your therapist out, right? You don't want them to feel uncomfortable.
[00:28:35] Heather: They need to make money. I need help sometimes. That's right. But you don't want to burden them. Yeah. No, no, nah.
[00:28:44] Gabbie: Yes. It's definitely not their job. They definitely haven't heard. I don't know how to say this without judgment, much worse than anything that you have to say.
[00:28:55] Maeve: Okay. That's what they always say. Okay. When I first started doing this, they were like, don't worry. I've heard worse. I'm like, how do you know? How do you know you've heard worse?
[00:29:04] Gabbie: Cause you're like, I haven't cleared the back catalog of the thoughts that I could share with you right now. You don't even know. Talk about vertical. We're just at the top 20 feet. So.
Okay, but I will say, and I don't know if you do this, uh, Maeve, if you're in like an OCD group at all, but it's like, so I have Kaiser as my health insurance and I am currently part of the OCD group that I've been going to for like years now. And like, I feel so safe with those people and I have heard their bananas, intrusive thoughts and compulsions that I'm like, That's, who would think that, like that's nothing, you know what I mean? Like they have these, and we're all sharing and we're like crying as we're sharing like our deepest, like most scary intrusive thoughts that like make us seem like monsters and disgusting. And then the response from other people is like, yeah, it sounds like OCD. You seem, you know, you're doing great. Like that's like, try again, try harder.
Try really to gross us out, you know what I mean? And there's something so, um, supportive in that. So like, I'm not alone. And. It also helps me get distance from my own intrusive thoughts and be like, okay, well, you know, or, or I hear somebody else's intrusive thoughts and I'm like, well, at least I don't have that one because that seems like a real bummer to have that intrusive thought pinging around, you know?
[00:30:54] Maeve: Yeah.
[00:30:55] Gabbie: Always good to compare yourself to somebody else mentally struggling.
[00:30:58] Maeve: Yes, this is. Group sounds really nice. You know, I haven't, I
haven't done really any, the only group therapy I did was grief, uh, like a grief group and that was not, you know, it's, it's, it's nice to have that support, but that sounds, sounds like something that could be really helpful for OCD because you know, like you said. It's that it's builds the camaraderie. And I think it's. It can be very isolating, as are a lot of these, if you're struggling with a lot of these illnesses. But especially because I know we were talking about TikTok and diagnosing yourself and whatever. And I feel like when people usually talk about OCD, they talk about some of the more classical symptoms and like what they portray in the media and all this stuff. I never really related to that. So I that's, that's why I think for the longest time I was like, Oh no, I don't relate to these people. Like this isn't my experience, but now I know it's. There are a wide range of ways you can experience OCD.
[00:31:59] Heather: Oh, oh yeah. Oh yeah.
[00:32:03] Gabbie: Yeah. And it's like, uh, like, you know, you get a group of like five OCD people and everybody's got like a slightly different flavor. But then even on top of that, I feel like OCD has tried for me to do like, you know, physical compulsions, counting compulsions, like the mental compulsions, the repetitive things thoughts, the, you know, it like, yeah, it just keeps trying new things. I like to think of it as a mini tentacled monster that just like you chop off a tentacle and then another one is like, hello.
[00:32:38] Maeve: Yeah.
[00:32:39] Heather: Yeah. Mine's done the same thing. Like it's intruded into my sleeping life now. Um, which has been fantastic, um, but it all only means that, um, you're kind of working through the steps to be able to get there. Um, to, um, you know, recovery and that's the thing is that it starts to slip and slide everywhere when, when it wants to control you still when, you know, you have different tools and then being able to work on those tools, you know, makes it a little easier. And so, yeah, now my sleep is a lot better, but it was, there was, there was a couple months, last couple months were very hard. So, yeah.
[00:33:23] Gabbie: Yeah.
[00:33:24] Heather: Yeah.
[00:33:26] Maeve: How does it, oh, sorry, how does it impact your, your, um, your sleep, if you don't mind me asking? I'm just curious. Like, in what way is it?
[00:33:34] Heather: Yeah. So it's, it's mostly like, it's like, um, I would call it like anxiety slash, um, OCD. Cause I think of them as one of the same. For me, I've always had this kind of somatic, um, issue with breathing where I think I'm choking, um, or not breathing enough and, um, it can set off a panic attack. Luckily for me, um, my panic attacks have drastically reduced, but unfortunately the same thing is happening while I sleep.
Um, I know. And so it's not like a panic attack, but it's kind of like all of a sudden my body wakes up and then I feel the surge of anxiety and then I can't breathe, um, or at least in my mind, I can't breathe. Like, I'm not breathing enough. I'm judging the breathe, the breath, um, and, um, trying to breathe harder and harder and it doesn't work and it just wakes me up and then I'm just up sitting there with an anxiety feeling and then I try to chill it out and get it down.
Sometimes it's like a repetitive thing where I'll get up every like hour or half hour. Um, thinking I can't breathe, but it's, it's reduced. Part of that is because I've done some things, um, not to like cause reassurance, but, um, set some tones by making my bedroom a little bit more conducive to sleep, trying to separate habits of like making sleep schedules and stuff like that, where I'm not watching a lot of, or playing on the internet too much. And getting to sleep and feeling more restful. And that kind of helps that, um, other than the actual intrusive thoughts that happen, um, which is usually like, I'm not breathing enough, I'm going to die, you know? And usually about somebody like my husband finding me dead, it's usually my thoughts, which is great to tell him because he's like, thanks. That's a nice one to have now in my mind. But yeah.
[00:35:37] Gabbie: It just, I'm sorry for laughing, it just, it's like. You're worried that you're not breathing enough. You're worried that you're like, this is it. You're gonna die. And truly your thought is like, well, I got to get to like a good place for my husband to find my body. Like what? What constitutes? I want to know that part of the thought process. Like what is a good place for my body? for him to find you. Are you like positioning yourself in like a fun like hand on the chin looking thoughtful.
[00:36:10] Heather: Like wrap myself in a blanket or, or, um, or a rug? You know, just kind of roll me up.
[00:36:18] Gabbie: Easy disposal. That's good.
[00:36:21] Heather: You know, the EMTs can just, or the, you know, Medical Examiner can just bring me out. Um, you know. No, I was, it's always like, oh, he needs to sleep, so if I get out of the room then I won't disturb him and then he won't wake up to me.
[00:36:36] Gabbie: Oh my god. This is so sad and horrifying. Awful. But also very sweet that you want him to have a good night's sleep.
[00:36:50] Maeve: Very thoughtful of you.
[00:36:52] Gabbie: Yeah, quietly panic attack yourself in the corner.
[00:37:04] Heather: It's like, where do we go from here?
[00:37:05] Gabbie: I know. I don't really have any follow ups to that one. Um.
[00:37:10] Maeve: I.
[00:37:10] Gabbie: Maeve.
[00:37:11] Maeve: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
[00:37:11] Gabbie: Yes. Please.
[00:37:12] Maeve: Oh, yeah. I want to know what you're going to ask me, but I was just going to say that for me, I always, all my thoughts usually revolve around other people dying. Not as often myself sometimes me. It was interesting you were you were talking about the breathing thing because I've experienced that didn't realize it can be related to this, but we're hiding things that a lot of things are. You look at them, but. I would frequently have these moments where I thought my throat, my throat was closing or I was having an asthma attack and then I would, then I would start to like constantly swallow and I'm like, oh no, I am like my, I can't breathe, but it was never anything.
I even went to a bunch of doctors about it and they're like, I don't know what you're talking about. It's just, it's actually interesting. It can cause. In terms of medical stuff, like, I feel like it causes me to be more of a, I don't want to call myself a hypochondriac, but that sort of thing. And then get labeled as that because you think a lot of things are wrong and like the way that they're presenting themselves, it does seem like there's something physically wrong. And so.
[00:38:16] Heather: Yes, yeah, no, it's the, my throat, um, so what my panic attacks do is, um, it's literally, um, I can't, the air can't go, it feels like the air can't go through my throat. Like it's stuck here, but not like stuck in my mouth and nose, but not going down my throat and into my lungs. And, um, the thing that I found, um, that we talk a lot about on this podcast is, um, I always kind of go to self compassion, um, when those moments happen.
Um, it doesn't always work, but, um, as soon as I do some self soothing and I just kind of go, um, and say, Hey, you know, this is hard right now. This is really difficult. Um, and, and try to like throw like support at it. Um, also the other thing that I do,
I'm sorry, we just, we just had a interesting visual that's happening.
[00:39:16] Gabbie: Is that your husband?
[00:39:17] Maeve: Yeah.
[00:39:19] Gabbie: I'm walking back and forth and I love that he's crouching. He's ducking, isn't he?
[00:39:23] Maeve: I know. Sorry, I had to move into the office because I didn't have any wifi, so I kicked him out. Sorry to interrupt that. Oh no. And sorry to interrupt your story.
[00:39:30] Heather: No, no, no. It's just, no, I think it's so sweet that he thought he was like hiding from us. He looks like, he looks like he's being a little turtle, like going, like in the background.
[00:39:43] Gabbie: It was so cute.
[00:39:45] Heather: It's so cute. It's so cute.
All I was just saying is, is like, self compassion helps with some of those panic anxiety attacks. And I'm also like grounding yourself because if you start to, um, if you start to be more in the moment, then, um, then you can kind of start to relax. Like for me, it start, I start to relax a little bit and for some odd reason it resolves it.
I don't know what it is. It does to your brain. It's not a magic bullet. To make it go away. Um, but it's like that practice of being able to kind of focus your attention to more what's going on in the present moment. But that's, that's what works for me. Uh, it doesn't mean that it has to work for everybody else, but it's for, for right now, that's what's it's the magic bullet. You have to do this. No, it's, it's the miracle cure to OCD. Not at all. Um, but yeah, that's kind of like how I go about it. Um, yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry, I just got distracted because I was thinking about something else for a second because I wrote a note down and I'm realizing I didn't say something.
[00:40:53] Maeve: That sounds like ADHD.
[00:40:57] Gabbie: Somebody here has ADHD and it's not me and Mae.
[00:41:02] Heather: No, no, I, it was more of a, oh no, I need, I should have like added this beforehand. And then now I'm like, because I'm thinking of structure. Nobody cares.
[00:41:11] Gabbie: Settle down, editor. Just say the thing.
[00:41:16] Heather: No, but I was going to say was, is that, um, I also hate outlines. And have always done, uh, papers at last minute, but my issue has always been about perfection. So for example, with outlines, like lately I've been trying to write outlines, not forcefully, but just kind of like write them out. The thing is, is that I keep thinking something is solid in rock. Like if I write this outline, no, nothing can change from it. And in reality, an outline is just an outline. You know, it's flexible. You can change it. Okay. Yeah. No, but, but some of this thing is, is that sometimes I don't like writing outlines because I don't like, I don't feel like I know everything that I'm going to write. And that is like, that's the part that's scary. If I don't know what I'm going to write, then I shouldn't be writing, you know, is the criticism.
[00:42:06] Gabbie: Yeah. Even though like literally every like writing class slash TV writing class slash comedy writing class class is like, you're going to write 40. versions of this.
[00:42:22] Heather: Yeah.
[00:42:23] Gabbie: You know, script. Yeah. But I'm with you. It's like, if I write it down and this, I also was thinking is kind of like the planner, Maeve, like, if I write down something in my planner, then obviously that has to happen. And what if I don't feel like doing it that day? What if like I wake up and I'm just like, nope, not a people day or whatever, but I have to do it because I wrote it in pencil on a piece of paper.
[00:42:50] Maeve: Yep.
[00:42:51] Heather: Yeah.
[00:42:51] Gabbie: And I just want to rebel.
[00:42:52] Maeve: Yep, me too. This happens when I try to calendar out my day. I'll be like, 9am, take the dog on a walk. If I miss the, miss one of them, I'll just throw the whole day away. Well, I might as well not even finish doing anything. That's all it is.
[00:43:06] Heather: Yeah. Yeah. All or nothing thinking.
[00:43:09] Maeve: Yes. That's it. Yeah.
[00:43:10] Heather: That's what that is.
[00:43:11] Maeve: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:43:13] Gabbie: And maybe even perfectionism because, you know, you wrote it out. You didn't do it perfectly. The hell with this.
[00:43:19] Heather: Do better the next day.
[00:43:20] Maeve: And then it's the guilt. It's the guilt. It's like, it's always like this. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be normal and do shit? Like that's always my...
[00:43:31] Gabbie: Easily.
[00:43:31] Maeve: ...process.
[00:43:32] Gabbie: Yes.
[00:43:33] Heather: Yes. Yeah.
[00:43:34] Gabbie: Yeah. Which brings us back to that goddamn self compassion.
[00:43:38] Maeve: Yes.
[00:43:42] Gabbie: Yeah.
[00:43:43] Maeve: Yeah. It's hard.
[00:43:44] Heather: Cause its. Yeah, cause you, you need to like say, you
have to like, it's almost like you have to give yourself permission to be human in a weird way, but in reality, like it's, it's, it's like, you're human.
[00:43:56] Gabbie: Don't try that bullshit with me because, um, I have rules that apply to me that apply to nobody else, but I have to do these rules.
[00:44:08] Heather: Mm hmm.
[00:44:09] Gabbie: Because I don't know what, honestly. It's like, what do I think? I'm superhuman. I'm a robot. Like, I'm an alien. Like, why is it that these rules only apply to me and they're like also rules and goals that are freaking unattainable.
[00:44:26] Heather: Yeah, because you're trying to control something.
[00:44:29] Gabbie: Uh, again, Heather, stay out of it. You don't know.
[00:44:37] Heather: Because you're trying to control the outcome.
[00:44:39] Gabbie: Yeah.
[00:44:39] Heather: Right?
[00:44:40] Gabbie: No.
[00:44:41] Heather: You stick to the rules, you're safe.
[00:44:43] Gabbie: Yeah, that's not me. I'm a daredevil. I am.
[00:44:51] Heather: Sure you are.
[00:44:54] Maeve: I'm curious what your experience is with this because I've, I've always felt like this issue of control and this was long before I ever recognized it as an issue of control, but, um, that this need to control things impacts my relationship with things like food or spending money and like just anything that can really be a vice. Um, like
[00:45:14] Gabbie: Mmhmm.
[00:45:14] Maeve: Always had issues with food, weight, all that stuff. And it always came back to, or came down to control and yeah, that's all I wanted to add there.
[00:45:25] Heather: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That, I mean, I, I totally relate to that. Um, I didn't realize it. Um, it's funny cause a few weeks ago when I saw my, Psychiatrist. I was talking about my mom. My mom doesn't listen to this podcast, by the way. Um, and, um, and just feeling of this control, like when we were having conversation and I'm feeling control, I'm feeling like she's controlling me. And then he was like, well, wait, sure, that could be happening, he goes, but it sounds like you're trying to control her, clicked in my head. I was like, oh, wait, I'm doing it to her where I'm trying to build like one of my ACT values. If you do, you know what ACT is acceptance. Um, compassion.
[00:46:12] Maeve: No. No, no, I don't know.
[00:46:14] Gabbie: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
[00:46:15] Maeve: Oh, I just saw this on your last. I saw you talking about this, but I don't know what it is.
[00:46:20] Heather: Yeah. And so one of the things, I mean, I'm not going to talk about the whole thing, but I'll talk about it. It's mostly about, it's a value based kind of like system. And so one of my values, which is very flexible, but right now one of my values is communication and having good communication with my family and my friends, you know, and other people other people in my life. And I was trying to control her to manage my ability to like have a conversation with her because I wanted to manage her conversation with me.
And then I just kind of went like in my head went, Oh, I see. This is why it's difficult that we're having this conversation because I'm trying to, I'm like steering her. I'm like the sheep dog, you know, like trying to like manage the, you know, the sheep.
[00:47:03] Maeve: Yes.
[00:47:04] Heather: And that kind of behavior, that kind of rigid thinking, that kind of controlling behavior, it's not that we're being controlling, but we are controlling our, the things in our life. And all it really is, is like kind of managing uncertainty.
[00:47:19] Maeve: Really?
[00:47:19] Heather: That's all we're really doing. Yeah. You know, how can we prevent? How can we keep safe? How can we, you know, not, you know, You know, I don't know, overexpose ourselves. How can we, you know, other things, you know, you just fill in the blanks. Yeah. That's like how I find control slipping in. Um.
[00:47:37] Maeve: That's really
[00:47:38] Heather: How about you, Gabbie?
[00:47:38] Maeve: Oh yeah, Gabbie.
[00:47:39] Heather: Yeah.
[00:47:40] Gabbie: Oh, don't point, don't point at me. It's like, you're this way to me. I'm like, no, no, I'm, I'm this way. This is good visual gags. I feel like there are so many ways in which I try and control, but the one that like really comes up to me for me is like, like vices.
Like you were talking about Maeve, like I didn't try pot until my 28th birthday because I was. absolutely convinced that, you know, it was going to unleash like the true mental illness that I wouldn't be able to like shove the toothpaste back into the little toothpaste tube. Um, and I've never done anything harder than marijuana, you know, for that reason.
And alcohol doesn't really like. do good things with my body. I kind of like skip the buzz part, go straight to the hangover. But even then it's like, if I went out with friends, I wouldn't drink because I always needed to be the one who would be the designated driver. I needed to be the one who blah, blah, blah.
And some of this is like, Cool. That's, you know, so safe and like, you know, taking care of your friends and whatever. But truly it was really because I didn't want to be out of control. And on top of that, I didn't want to be out of control and have to lean on other people to take care of me when I'm in those moments.
And that is the case, like pretty much across the board, like trusting other people to be there for me. Uh oh. Got a little deep. Uh oh.
[00:49:25] Heather: Be vulnerable.
[00:49:26] Gabbie: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Being vulnerable is tough.
[00:49:31] Heather: It is. It is tough.
[00:49:32] Maeve: That's very relatable. I, I, I find that that exact idea exists in situations that are much less serious. Like when I, when we, we want to, we all want to go out to eat. I'm like, okay, I'm going to, I need to pick the restaurant. Like, I, I hate being this way, but I almost come across as like, there's a really a pain in the ass. And I'm like, well, I always tried to like, okay, where do we want to go? And I'm like, well, I heard about this place cause I want to pay. Planning. And I always hate how it looks from an outsider perspective, because I know I sound, I sound really annoying. And it's like this, that's just one example that I feel it comes up a lot. But.
[00:50:18] Heather: Yeah.
[00:50:18] Maeve: Same thing with like, I don't know, whenever plans just don't go. The way that I thought, and you're, you're just talking about this, like, when something is unexpected, oftentimes it triggers anger for me, because I don't, it's just such a shock and I don't know how to, how to react. Like, it can be something very small. I feel like it's dependent on my emotional state that day. But if, like, we had a plan and this happened once we 2 people, all of a sudden, that person brought, like. These other people along, and I was like, not not in a mood that day to be socializing with new people.
And I just flipped out. I couldn't handle it. And because I just lost complete control of the situation, like, it was not socially and then what we did, it was just not going to go the way that I thought. And I just completely freaked out.
[00:51:08] Heather: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:51:12] Gabbie: Do you, okay. So do you feel like in those situations is it like we were talking about? Do you feel too vulnerable? Do you feel like untaken care of by the other person who's brought this like unknown quantity into the situation that you guys had already agreed to? Is it like, do you not feel safe? Uh, what is it for you?
[00:51:36] Maeve: And I think it is the vulnerability and maybe not feeling safe, like, um, no, I guess. Sometimes if there are new people, I feel like, you know, that's not what I'm, you know, I'm not going to a networking event like where I'm meeting all new people. It feels like this isn't a place where I can be myself or, you know, I have to put on some sort of a different face or an act and I wasn't in the place to be doing that. So that it's just overload.
[00:52:07] Heather: Yeah.
[00:52:08] Gabbie: You didn't have like the adequate budget. Prep time.
[00:52:10] Maeve: And that's exactly what I said to my friend. I was like, I didn't have, I wasn't prepared. Like, I need time to emotionally prepare for, for, for this. And, you know, that was not received well. Like that was not understood by the other party.
This is abnormal. I don't know. This is why I feel, and I don't know, my husband and I, we this is why we're a good match. Like, we don't love social. I love being social, but at the same time, I hate being social.
[00:52:41] Gabbie: Yes.
[00:52:42] Maeve: So it's like a full, you know, I need to really prepare for that as if it were a marathon, you know, if I'm going to be really social.
[00:52:51] Heather: Something that my therapist has been doing with me for helping with, um, kind of a rigid thinking is, um, is flexibility. And doing activities that like practicing it in small ways. I think, uh, Gabbie and I, I think this will be in our next episode. I'm not sure. Um, is, um, I practice, um, like brushing my teeth with my non dominant hand.
[00:53:15] Gabbie: Oh yeah.
[00:53:16] Heather: So it's, it's putting something out of a normal, like, it's like so low stakes, so low stakes, but it's, it, it's uncomfortable enough to make you kind of go, okay. But then the more you do it, the more you kind of go, oh, this is, this is okay. Like, for example, if, if I was to give one to Gabbie is to kind of, um, work on her rules about showering.
Like if she has to wash her face before her body, well, maybe she washes her body first, then her face. You know, and that just small little...
[00:53:47] Gabbie: You sound insane right now and everybody listening agrees with me.
[00:53:52] Heather: Um, but you know, but just trying something that's just slightly abnormal that starts to add a bit of flexibility, like cognitively add some flexibility. It's not to say that it's permanent or whatever, but it adds a little bit of relief because your mind is like, Oh, this is just something different, just slightly.
[00:54:15] Gabbie: And it's okay.
[00:54:17] Heather: And it's okay. You're in an okay space. Nothing bad's going to happen. Those are things that I work on, um, to help me. Um, it's not to say that it solves it, because I still feel uncomfortable in certain situations, um, especially when I'm feeling vulnerable or insecure about things and kind of want to kind of build the walls, you know, add some rigidity into the situation to kind of like manage everything. But in reality, it's kind of like adding that flexibility. I've been finding a little bit of ease in my existence, which, um, is newer as Gabbie can attest to. Um, but since we have this working relationship, but she's well aware, um, of things, um, but.
[00:55:01] Gabbie: I'm so glad that it's working.
[00:55:03] Heather: Yeah, it's working for me, you know, at least. Um, so it's, it's kind of building on that, but yeah, it, it doesn't feel good. Yeah, all the time.
[00:55:16] Gabbie: Ah, I know what you're thinking. What a perfect time to end this podcast. And you're right. We're ending it right here. Thanks for listening. And if you want to know more about Maeve Forti, and why wouldn't you? Because she's hilarious. Please check out the show notes for this episode. We'll post lots of links and stuff like that. You go check her out. All right. Cool. Cool. See you next time.
[00:55:38] Heather: See you next time, everyone.
[00:55:39] Gabbie: Bye.
[00:55:40] [🎵 Outro Music]
[00:55:41] Gabbie: Welcome to the end of the show. This is Gabbie Blachman.
[00:55:44] Heather: And this is Heather Nye.
[00:55:45] Gabbie: Thank you for listening to Comically Exposed.
We're just a little show with two creators who edit and produce each episode. We appreciate all your support.
[00:55:55] Heather: If you like what you heard, please follow us on Instagram at comicallyexp.podcast. That's C O M I C A L L Y E X P dot podcast.
[00:56:07] Gabbie: Oh, and check out our website at comicallyexposed.
com. That's one word, comicallyexposed.com.
[00:56:15] Heather: Where you can contact us by text or even leave a voice message.
[00:56:19] Gabbie: Or subscribe to us on Apple Podcasts. Spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts, new episodes drop every other Wednesday.
[00:56:27] Heather: Also, special thanks to Track Club and Gxldxn Fxnch for providing the music.
[00:56:32] Gabbie: Thanks for listening. And Hey, everybody today is a great day to expose yourself. Okay. Until next time…
[00:56:40] Heather: In your face, Miriam.
Transcript:
[00:00:00] [🎵 Intro Music]
[00:00:07] Gabbie: Hey everybody, welcome to Comically Exposed. My name is Gabbie and this is episode 18. My co host as always is
[00:00:18] Heather: Heather Nye.
[00:00:19] Gabbie: There she is.
[00:00:21] Heather: I don't know why I said my last name too, because you said Gabbie and I got distracted by my screen.
[00:00:26] Gabbie: Well, I'm kind of like Prince. I just have the first name. So it's fine. Anyway, it's a fantastically cool episode because we have an amazing guest. Um, so I met this person during the pandemic, like I meet all of my good friends, um, doing comedy stuff. So. I'm gonna let them introduce themselves.
[00:00:53] Maeve: Hi, my name is Maeve. Yes, we met doing improv. A really great first story. It's a great way to meet someone. It really is. You get to really know their true core. In improv.
[00:01:08] Gabbie: I mean, yeah. Especially Zoom improv, there's just like a whole other layer of, we'll go with fun, but anyway, Maeve, do you pronounce your last name Forti? Is that?
[00:01:25] Maeve: For, yes, but I say Forty, like the number.
[00:01:28] Gabbie: Oh. That's even cooler.
[00:01:30] Maeve: Oh, you made a, you made a face like, ew.
[00:01:32] Gabbie: Oh no, I was just like, damn, that is such a cool name. Hi, Maeve Forti, no big deal. So along with being freaking hilarious, Maeve, you are also an actor, is that correct?
[00:01:54] Maeve: I am. I am an actor. Um, I'm a lot of Aspiring. Yeah. I'm an aspiring multi hyphenate.
[00:02:07] Gabbie: That's fantastic. What are some of your aspirational hyphenates?
[00:02:12] Maeve: Um, writer. That's something I'm, I've been doing recently more of, um, and trying to make my own films. You know, we'll see where all these things lead, but acting is still my, my priority, but it's very slow right now. So it's, there's nothing to really speak about there.
[00:02:36] Gabbie: Okay. Well, I feel like I want to grill you more about these films, but also like one of the main reasons that we invited you on this podcast, besides the fact that you're hilarious and amazing is because you happen to have. O. C. D.
[00:02:58] Maeve: Oh, that was so fun.
[00:03:04] Gabbie: Yeah, we do that. It's, we haven't done it before, but now we're going to do it. Fire on out. Just fully inspired by you. So, uh, Maeve, what particular flavors or how does your OCD present?
[00:03:20] Maeve: So, that's a great question. Um, I really, I mean, I didn't even really know that I had OCD until recently, I guess. Um, and, I, I feel like at this point they've given me all of the diagnoses that, you know what I mean? Like, it's, uh, it's like a pie chart of mental illness and uhhuh. I, so, you know, first they said it was depression and then anxiety, and then ADHD, and now. landed on OCD. So really, um, I just have them all, I guess.
[00:04:00] Gabbie: Collected a full passport of the mental mishaps. Nice. Yeah.
[00:04:05] Maeve: Uh, and for me, it's really Um, I guess, I know you guys were talking about this on one of your episodes, Pure OCD, which is more, that's not, I guess, officially what they've told me, but I feel like that's more where I lean because I, um, just have most of it for me, it's like these, the intrusive thoughts, a little less so on the repetitive behaviors. Um, but yeah, and that's kind of how I--
[00:04:33] Heather: That you're aware of, that you're aware of.
[00:04:36] Maeve: Yes. That exactly. It's less, I guess it's less of the things that I typically associated with OCD, which is why I didn't really realize that I had it. But what's that thing you take the, like diagnostic, uh, test you're talking about?
[00:04:54] Gabbie: Yeah, there's so many of them, but are you referring to the Y-BOCS?
[00:04:57] Maeve: Oh, that's it. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. And I remember just when I was filling it out, it's almost like scary to acknowledge the things that you think, you know what I mean? Cause I thought so many of these things were taboo and made me crazy. So in some ways that was nice, a nice, revelation that it's somewhat, you know, it's, it's okay. I'm not alone here.
[00:05:24] Heather: Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing with it. That's why nobody really talks about those things because we have an increased amount of, um, intrusive thoughts, like more than the average person. And a lot of them, you know, go after like what we find most important. And then also the things that we would most likely not do, you know, like the most, you know, things and then it builds shame and guilt and fear of like, you know, repercussions, you know, of things because you just thought of it, but our minds kind of zero in. Like, that it has meaning, rather it just being a weird thought, it has a meaning of like, why did I think that way?
[00:06:05] Maeve: Right.
[00:06:06] Gabbie: And what does it say about me at my core? Exactly. Plus, I feel like as women, I think we're also very socialized to be like, just show a very normal face to people and just go ahead and fit in and ignore all of those really fun, intrusive thoughts.
[00:06:28] Maeve: Yeah.
[00:06:29] Gabbie: So, um, okay. So like a recent diagnosis, huh?
[00:06:35] Maeve: Yeah. I, so back in, um, When I was in college, I started to explore this with my, uh, my then therapist and psychiatrist, but then it kind of, well, not to be like a Debbie Downer, but then my mom died and then it was a whole thing and, but that made everything worse. You know, all of these issues. So yeah, and then I kind of, I feel like from there I was able to figure out what was really going on. But everything was heightened. I feel like it still is heightened, you know, I haven't, it's been five years, which seems like a long time, but I don't know,
[00:07:15] Gabbie: It's not that long, yeah.
[00:07:16] Heather: No, it's not that long. Yeah.
[00:07:18] Gabbie: Um.
[00:07:19] Heather: Wow.
[00:07:20] Gabbie: Yeah. Okay. Also, the fact that you had all those other diagnoses, did those happen earlier in life as well?
[00:07:31] Maeve: Um, the depression and anxiety did. That was, I've, but I, you know, I, I had always had anxiety pretty bad, but it was the sort of, I don't want to, I always have a hard time like thinking back about my childhood because my mom didn't really want. Me to have anxiety, you know, one of those situations where I feel like she was very, she was so loving and so open and willing to talk about anything. But I think it was more of a fear of some of it was probably shame on her for what she felt about being a single mother and all this stuff. We could go on for days about that, but I never was officially diagnosed, never went into therapy and stuff when I was younger, not until I went to college and was kind of on my own.
So, yeah. Yeah. That I started seeking treatment for that sort of stuff. And then, um, the ADHD diagnosis came later, too, after my mom. Um, and I feel like a lot of those ADHD symptoms, uh, would just really change. Like, I used to be, I just felt more functional with it before, like in school. And then, without the structure of school and all this stuff, It just completely changed, it became so much less manageable.
[00:08:42] Gabbie: Oh, yeah.
[00:08:43] Heather: Yeah.
[00:08:44] Gabbie: I mean, it's an, I was just talking to my ADHD therapist
about the balance between my OCD therapy and the ADHD therapy, because in OCD, if you do things repetitively, that is bad, bad, bad, but for ADHD to have structure, to have routine, like college and classes, or whatever it is, it's like, so incredibly helpful just in remembering what day it is, you know what I mean?
[00:09:13] Maeve: Right. And at the same time, I hated that structure. So it's like an in between. I don't feel like I'm thriving in either environment, but when I was in school, I was always, and I'm sure you can relate. I was always doing my own thing. I couldn't pay attention in class, would teach myself later, but still somehow the existence of structure and like somebody holding something over me was still made it easier to function. Whereas now I'm like, Oh, I can go a whole day and just all I'm going to accomplish is the dishes sort of thing.
[00:09:48] Gabbie: Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I also wonder, like, how do you feel about this? And I've like, I feel like my ADHD came first, and my OCD was really a reaction to controlling, like, the ADHD stuff. That's my current theory.
[00:10:11] Maeve: Yeah, that's...
[00:10:12] Gabbie: How do you feel?
[00:10:13] Maeve: That's really interesting. I, it's, I don't really know, because for me, I didn't even I never thought I had ADHD until I was a little bit older. But looking back, I see some of those tendencies. But my mom had such severe ADHD, you know, if she didn't take her Adderall one day, she was completely nonfunctional, you know?
So that's what I thought ADHD was. She was at like the polar end of the, you know, the spectrum, whereas I was high functioning in school and like I got good grades, all that stuff. So nobody really. And I know there's a different statement for girls with ADHD, they don't look at them the same way. So for me, it was just like, oh, she couldn't possibly have this. Um, so...
[00:10:56] Gabbie: Too high functioning.
[00:10:57] Maeve: Yeah, exactly. And I think that's what, that's what my family thought. That's what my doctors thought. Um, and then, you know, I think the grief just made it spiral. And then I kind of had more of those classic symptoms. Um, so I don't know. I mean, it's, it's, I, I, I can see what you're, uh, what you mean, but for me, I don't know, just because I didn't have that idea of myself having ADHD until pretty recently.
[00:11:21] Gabbie: Mm hmm. Okay. So how does your ADHD present or did it now that it's changed?
[00:11:28] Maeve: Yeah. Um, just, I mean, uh, the executive functioning issues is the number one problem for me. And I really, when it comes to, uh, being in charge of my own career, my own life, cause I'm like you guys doing, you know, trying to do writing and acting and all this stuff.
And it's, it got to a point where I just couldn't get anything done and I was always feeling behind and then, then there's a lot of shame and guilt and then it spirals into depression. So it just all adds to each other. Um, but that's why I was so confused because when I was in school. I just didn't feel like I struggled that much.
I did struggle with the procrastinating issue. You know, I would wait until the 11th hour to write a 10 page paper. It's like, whatever. But it became such a problem in real life where I would just, I mean, and spend, like I said, all day doing one thing that's completely unrelated, like, you know, organizing photos from 20 years ago. And then I'm like, Oh my God, it's 7 PM. I didn't get anything accomplished. And then it's just, but that was every day doing something that was not helping me accomplish my goals. And that's when I was like, okay, this is getting in the way of me achieving my, what I want to.
[00:12:46] Heather: Yeah.
[00:12:48] Gabbie: Executive functioning is so real. And, uh, I don't know if you also do this, but I follow a lot of like ADHD people on Instagram and stuff like that. And I love, like the recent term I heard is side quests. So like, organizing the photos and stuff is a side quest that you like, go to and then accomplish and you're like, but did I accomplish anything? Because I just did that and not my goal for the day or whatever it is.
[00:13:17] Maeve: Yes.
[00:13:18] Gabbie: And then, um.
[00:13:19] Maeve: Yeah, I also have a habit of actually, this is, I mean, it all kind of falls under the umbrella of executive dysfunction, but one of my biggest issues is starting things and not completing them. And I don't mean like small things like a load of laundry, but that too, like I'll leave the load of laundry in the washer for six days and then be upset that I have to rewatch it. It smells bad.
[00:13:42] Gabbie: It's a classic.
[00:13:45] Maeve: But the bigger stuff, like. I don't know. I'll wake up and I'll be like, all right, I'm going to start a podcast today and I'm going to buy all the stuff and I'm going to buy a 200 dollar microphone and I'm going to, and I literally will do the big stuff and then it gets time to do whatever. So me, I have to figure out some small little thing and I'll just abandon it. A thousand dollars is gone and I'll never, I'll never touch any of that stuff again.
[00:14:10] Gabbie: Oh my god, it's so real. Yeah, just like 20 years ago, I was like, I'm gonna be such a wilderness person and backpack all the time. And I spent so much money on gear. And then, uh, uh, I didn't go backpacking for another 12 years, so I think nailed it.
[00:14:37] Maeve: Oh my god. Or like a blender they'll buy, a really nice blender. Or we just had a wedding where I got married last year, but we had like a registry and whatever, and I put all this very, thank you, very aspirational stuff on the registry. Like.
[00:14:52] Gabbie: Yes.
[00:14:53] Maeve: A juicer. I've literally never touched it. Okay, I hope the per I hope the person that bought it doesn't hear this one. Literally, I've never I don't even think I've opened it out of the box. And I think it's like, I don't know what the pro, sometimes you get so frustrated with yourself because you're like, what is the problem? I want to juice my own oranges. I just can't.
[00:15:19] Gabbie: Yes. But also, okay, is there like, so when I get that kind of, uh, idea going, I also have this picture of the person who juices me as a person who juices, right? And I live in this like beautifully curated home and everything is organized and it's so aspirational.
[00:15:44] Maeve: Oh my god. No, this is, that has got to be what it is because I don't have the same thing. I'll I can't learn how to juice until, like, I clean my cabinets, and then I'll be like, well, I can't clean my cabinets until I buy the right kind of steam mop, and then, like, it just nev wait, this literally just happened, because I just bought a steam mop, because I couldn't
[00:16:05] Heather: Yes.
[00:16:05] Maeve: I was like, I can't clean until I buy this steam mop, obviously.
[00:16:08] Gabbie: Obviously.
[00:16:12] Maeve: It's terrible.
[00:16:14] Gabbie: Yes, a thousand percent, and, and it'll be one teeny, teeny, tiny, tiny step. It's either like, oh, well, I can't do this until I do 12 other huge tasks. Like I have to get rid of all the stuff in my garage and donate it appropriately and make sure that I'm recycling. enough for future generations to look back and be like, she was a good person. Right. Or it was like such a teeny tiny thing, which is like, I'm going to juice today. I'm going to the farmer's market. I get to the farmer's market. Something is wrong with the way the oranges look. Or there's just, I don't know, there's like some teeny tiny thing where it's like, well, I only brought 10 dollars, so I could only buy two oranges.
And what is the point of juicing only two oranges? So let's just leave it in the box and never
[00:17:09] Maeve: Yes.
[00:17:10] Gabbie: Juice.
[00:17:10] Maeve: Exactly. And I, I mean, especially with the talking about the
getting rid of clothes and then all the I'm constantly getting rid of clothes. I don't know where the clothes are, the new clothes are coming from, really. But I'm always like throwing big bags of clothes, but then they'll stay in my trunk for six months. It'll never get there. Get to, you know, Salvation Army, Goodwill, whatever, they will never. But the thought, the thought was there. It was.
[00:17:40] Gabbie: A thousand percent. And you're a good person for having that particular thought, just so you know. No, currently, like, there is a pile in my garage that is stuff that I need to give away, but part of it is, I know I can't give it away to the Salvation Army because they are hugely anti LGBT, right?
[00:18:00] Maeve: Are they really? I didn't even know that.
[00:18:02] Gabbie: Yeah. And when they, the people that they like help out, like the people that they get sober or who are housing insecure or whatever, they also make them be like very Christian.
[00:18:11] Maeve: Oh God.
[00:18:12] Gabbie: So there's that. Yeah. And so then I'm like, okay, so it's gotta be Goodwill, but then Goodwill is closed on a Sunday or something like that. And that was the day. So instead I'm with you. There is so much stuff in my trunk as well as my garage. And this is where I think, you know, ADHD does lead into OCD because for me, this is some perfectionism coming through, right?
I have to do it the way and either, oh God, I don't, I was in the shower this morning and I was like, why do I have rules for showering? Why? Why? Like, as I'm showering, I'm like, Wait, why is there a routine to this? Like, who decided that? And the thought of not, like, washing my face before I wash my body was so abhorrent. But who, why?
[00:19:09] Heather: Yeah. So it's, you noticing that is actually really important, actually.
[00:19:14] Gabbie: Because your acknowledgement is the first step.
[00:19:16] Heather: Yeah. Acknowledging the, oh, that's a rule. I'm rigid on this. That's, that's good, Gabbie.
[00:19:23] Gabbie: Oh, thank you.
[00:19:24] Maeve: Good job.
[00:19:27] Gabbie: Thank you.
[00:19:27] Heather: I mean, I don't have ADHD. Although Gabbie diagnosed--
[00:19:31] Gabbie: You brag, brag.
[00:19:32] Heather: I know. Although Gabbie has diagnosed me with aDHD
multiple times.
[00:19:35] Gabbie: I diagnosed everyone with ADHD.
[00:19:37] Maeve: Me too. It's bad. It's bad. And TikTok,
[00:19:41] Gabbie: I think I just--
[00:19:42] Maeve: Oh, sorry.
[00:19:42] Gabbie: Yes, no no, please.
[00:19:44] Maeve: And TikTok, I know, I mean like it's maybe going away, but it diagnosis me with everything. It's like, oh yes, you do this. You have autism.
[00:19:53] Gabbie: Bipolar.
[00:19:53] Maeve: Yep.
[00:19:54] Gabbie: Yes.
[00:19:54] Heather: Yep.
[00:19:54] Maeve: All right.
[00:19:57] Gabbie: I know. And then I'm just like, well, maybe.
[00:20:00] Maeve: Yeah, right.
[00:20:01] Gabbie: Yeah. Who am I to say, who am I to say that TikTok is not correct? Yeah, the algorithm chose to show me this for a reason.
[00:20:12] Maeve: Exactly. Exactly.
[00:20:15] Gabbie: So, um, okay, so I wanted, I'm sorry to interrupt. Heather, you were saying that I diagnose you with ADHD multiple times a day and that's not wrong. That's very true.
[00:20:28] Heather: Well, uh, but I did learn something about ADHD, um, recently and it was about time blindness and about seeing what time blindness is. And it's about ADHDers see it vertically rather than linearly. So when you see time, you see everything that needs to happen.
[00:20:46] Gabbie: Yeah.
[00:20:46] Heather: Rather than seeing it all being done in a linear fashion and I'm like, that makes sense to me.
[00:20:51] Maeve: Oh. Okay.
[00:20:53] Gabbie: So linear thing. Yeah.
[00:20:55] Maeve: So we, so we're seeing it. So we, we see things all at once. Is that what you're saying? And that's why we can't start anywhere.
[00:21:03] Heather: Yes.
[00:21:04] Maeve: I mean, I had a therapist once who was like, okay, we're going to, we're going to, we're your goal, your job for the week is to write a to do list, but with like everything, whatever, every single thing. And I'm like, I hear this. She's like, it's okay. It could, maybe it'll take multiple weeks to, for you to do this one simple task. And I'm thinking to myself, like, what on earth is wrong with me? I can't just make it to do. I never made it. I never could even start. I couldn't even figure out the first thing to put on the to do list. I'm like. Number one, get life together. Like, I can't. What am I supposed to put on this to do list?
[00:21:39] Gabbie: Yes, yes, exactly. It is, it's like, either my to do list is like a philosophical, like, all encompassing what is the meaning of life. Just right at the top. Or it's like, find the other red sock.
[00:21:56] Maeve: Exactly. And usually they're mixed together. It'll be like, rediscover religion and then like take out trash.
[00:22:03] Gabbie: Yes, exactly. Exactly. And it's so true. It is so vertical. I mean, just you trying to say, Heather, that it's linear. I was like, no, it's not.
[00:22:17] Heather: Well, then how people, other people can see tasks linearly, but, um, ADHDers tend to see it vertically. Like they'll see all the tasks, not just one task.
[00:22:28] Maeve: Yeah.
[00:22:28] Heather: All of them. And then that makes sense. Like why people would feel like. Like, like, oh, I don't know what to do.
[00:22:37] Gabbie: Overwhelmed. I know, when people are like, okay, write down, because I've also done a similar thing Maeve, where they're like, write down the to do list, and then just pick like three or four items, and I'm like, stop.
How the fuck do you pick out three or four items? And they're like, well, just prioritize. And I'm like, again? How in the living fuck? How do I know which one of these things is more important to do? And this is where like having school and deadlines is helpful because like you were talking about that 10 page paper that you do the night before.
I'm like, well, that is a dopamine hit just all night long, right? So that makes sense. I can prioritize that thing. But how do people fucking like it's assigned. It's not due for three months and they're like, well first I'm gonna do an outline based on my research and then I'm gonna fill it out and I'm like, you can go to hell. You can go straight to fucking hell.
[00:23:39] Maeve: I've never done an outline for anything in my whole life.
[00:23:44] Gabbie: Yes.
[00:23:44] Maeve: No. Ever.
[00:23:46] Gabbie: So, when you're trying to, like, write for comedy, well, I don't know if you're writing for comedy or you're writing, like, plays about, again, rediscovering religion or what have you.
[00:23:57] Heather: Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
[00:23:58] Gabbie: Um, but when you're writing, do you just go off of, like, flow in your brain? Not an outline? Do you just have random post its on a wall next to you?
[00:24:10] Maeve: That's, yeah. That's, yeah. So, this is why the writing is in progress, because it's, I find it very hard to ever finish one thing. I will, I'm always like, okay, I can't write this thing without having an outline. But then I'm like, I don't know how to do an outline. I don't like outlines. I don't want to do an outline. So I'll start just, you know, stream of consciousness. I'm like, Oh, this is a great fucking idea. And like, and then I look in my, and then I look in my Notes app. I've got 8,000 notes with ideas for things. Like stories, sometimes I'll just, I'll be like, wow, this is so good. And I'll start writing like a whole chapter and then I just give up on it. I find it six months later at the bottom of my Notes app. I mean, this is why things don't get done because I don't have a good way to, I don't know, organize my thoughts.
[00:25:00] Heather: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:25:04] Gabbie: And accountability and.
[00:25:06] Maeve: Yeah.
[00:25:06] Gabbie: Whatever. I mean, honestly. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. No, no.
[00:25:09] Maeve: I was just gonna say, this is, I have a really, I have a love hate relationship with planners. I like to buy them.
[00:25:18] Gabbie: Get out of my head, Maeve.
[00:25:22] Maeve: But when it comes to, and I'm like, I'll get the prettiest one, you know, whatever. The thing that advertises, this is the cure for ADHD, whatever. I'm like, okay. Yes. I'm like, Oh shit, wherever you've been, I literally will write in it for one day. And I'm like, you know, I just, I don't know because it seems like it should work.
And I have this one that's really, it does both. It does like the short term and the long term. It'll be like, what's your three year goal? I'm like, Oh yeah. Okay. I got this. So I'm going to, you know, And then I just, I don't know. I'm really into it for four days.
[00:25:59] Gabbie: Yes.
[00:26:00] Maeve: And then it's like I never even bought it. I never thought of it again.
[00:26:03] Gabbie: Yeah. It's with the juicer.
[00:26:06] Maeve: Exactly.
[00:26:07] Gabbie: Yeah.
[00:26:08] Maeve: God.
[00:26:10] Heather: In the back of the closet, the shame closet.
[00:26:13] Maeve: Oh my God. People don't understand these, like the closet, the drawer that just has all the unfinished projects in it. I thought this was, I thought this was an everybody thing.
[00:26:22] Gabbie: Yes. Okay. That is the other thing about. We'll just say mentals, where it's like part of it is like, I assume everybody is doing this and having these thoughts and feelings and fears. And then the other one is like when you did the Y-BOCS, which I was going to look up so that the listeners could know what we're talking about. It's like the Yale Behavioral, Obsessive, Compulsive, do it list. You got this girl. Something like that. Anyways, but like. So, it's either I assume everybody is like me or I assume I am the only one who is thinking these bananas thoughts and then you fill out the Y-BOCS and you're like, how the fuck did they know? How do they know that I pile things in threes and sevens and if I don't, bad things are gonna happen to all my loved ones. Like, how do they know that?
[00:27:22] Maeve: Yeah.
[00:27:23] Heather: Yeah.
[00:27:24] Maeve: I found it really, I, I felt a lot of shame even just filling the
thing out because I was like, I was like, Oh, Oh, I know I can't put this like some of the intrusive thoughts. I know we were, we were saying sometimes it's like the opposite of your, your, your morals or your beliefs. And that's really where mine are. And I always just felt so much shame. I never brought it up to my therapist until whenever, like a very long time, because I thought that they would send me away somewhere. I mean, really, you know, and really.
[00:27:52] Heather: Yeah..
[00:27:53] Maeve: So when I saw that this was part of the, you know, the diagnostic criteria, I'm like, Oh, okay. But I still have a hard time. I still, even after doing the thing, I felt almost uncomfortable. I'm still working on that, talking about these things with the therapist because they just seemed so taboo. Yeah.
[00:28:16] Gabbie: Mm hmm.
[00:28:17] Heather: Yeah, you know, I tend to minimize that it's a problem. That's, that's how I make mine smaller. And I still do. And I've been talking to the same psychiatrist for two years. Um, so yeah, I feel you on that one.
[00:28:31] Gabbie: Well, you don't want to put your therapist out, right? You don't want them to feel uncomfortable.
[00:28:35] Heather: They need to make money. I need help sometimes. That's right. But you don't want to burden them. Yeah. No, no, nah.
[00:28:44] Gabbie: Yes. It's definitely not their job. They definitely haven't heard. I don't know how to say this without judgment, much worse than anything that you have to say.
[00:28:55] Maeve: Okay. That's what they always say. Okay. When I first started doing this, they were like, don't worry. I've heard worse. I'm like, how do you know? How do you know you've heard worse?
[00:29:04] Gabbie: Cause you're like, I haven't cleared the back catalog of the thoughts that I could share with you right now. You don't even know. Talk about vertical. We're just at the top 20 feet. So.
Okay, but I will say, and I don't know if you do this, uh, Maeve, if you're in like an OCD group at all, but it's like, so I have Kaiser as my health insurance and I am currently part of the OCD group that I've been going to for like years now. And like, I feel so safe with those people and I have heard their bananas, intrusive thoughts and compulsions that I'm like, That's, who would think that, like that's nothing, you know what I mean? Like they have these, and we're all sharing and we're like crying as we're sharing like our deepest, like most scary intrusive thoughts that like make us seem like monsters and disgusting. And then the response from other people is like, yeah, it sounds like OCD. You seem, you know, you're doing great. Like that's like, try again, try harder.
Try really to gross us out, you know what I mean? And there's something so, um, supportive in that. So like, I'm not alone. And. It also helps me get distance from my own intrusive thoughts and be like, okay, well, you know, or, or I hear somebody else's intrusive thoughts and I'm like, well, at least I don't have that one because that seems like a real bummer to have that intrusive thought pinging around, you know?
[00:30:54] Maeve: Yeah.
[00:30:55] Gabbie: Always good to compare yourself to somebody else mentally struggling.
[00:30:58] Maeve: Yes, this is. Group sounds really nice. You know, I haven't, I
haven't done really any, the only group therapy I did was grief, uh, like a grief group and that was not, you know, it's, it's, it's nice to have that support, but that sounds, sounds like something that could be really helpful for OCD because you know, like you said. It's that it's builds the camaraderie. And I think it's. It can be very isolating, as are a lot of these, if you're struggling with a lot of these illnesses. But especially because I know we were talking about TikTok and diagnosing yourself and whatever. And I feel like when people usually talk about OCD, they talk about some of the more classical symptoms and like what they portray in the media and all this stuff. I never really related to that. So I that's, that's why I think for the longest time I was like, Oh no, I don't relate to these people. Like this isn't my experience, but now I know it's. There are a wide range of ways you can experience OCD.
[00:31:59] Heather: Oh, oh yeah. Oh yeah.
[00:32:03] Gabbie: Yeah. And it's like, uh, like, you know, you get a group of like five OCD people and everybody's got like a slightly different flavor. But then even on top of that, I feel like OCD has tried for me to do like, you know, physical compulsions, counting compulsions, like the mental compulsions, the repetitive things thoughts, the, you know, it like, yeah, it just keeps trying new things. I like to think of it as a mini tentacled monster that just like you chop off a tentacle and then another one is like, hello.
[00:32:38] Maeve: Yeah.
[00:32:39] Heather: Yeah. Mine's done the same thing. Like it's intruded into my sleeping life now. Um, which has been fantastic, um, but it all only means that, um, you're kind of working through the steps to be able to get there. Um, to, um, you know, recovery and that's the thing is that it starts to slip and slide everywhere when, when it wants to control you still when, you know, you have different tools and then being able to work on those tools, you know, makes it a little easier. And so, yeah, now my sleep is a lot better, but it was, there was, there was a couple months, last couple months were very hard. So, yeah.
[00:33:23] Gabbie: Yeah.
[00:33:24] Heather: Yeah.
[00:33:26] Maeve: How does it, oh, sorry, how does it impact your, your, um, your sleep, if you don't mind me asking? I'm just curious. Like, in what way is it?
[00:33:34] Heather: Yeah. So it's, it's mostly like, it's like, um, I would call it like anxiety slash, um, OCD. Cause I think of them as one of the same. For me, I've always had this kind of somatic, um, issue with breathing where I think I'm choking, um, or not breathing enough and, um, it can set off a panic attack. Luckily for me, um, my panic attacks have drastically reduced, but unfortunately the same thing is happening while I sleep.
Um, I know. And so it's not like a panic attack, but it's kind of like all of a sudden my body wakes up and then I feel the surge of anxiety and then I can't breathe, um, or at least in my mind, I can't breathe. Like, I'm not breathing enough. I'm judging the breathe, the breath, um, and, um, trying to breathe harder and harder and it doesn't work and it just wakes me up and then I'm just up sitting there with an anxiety feeling and then I try to chill it out and get it down.
Sometimes it's like a repetitive thing where I'll get up every like hour or half hour. Um, thinking I can't breathe, but it's, it's reduced. Part of that is because I've done some things, um, not to like cause reassurance, but, um, set some tones by making my bedroom a little bit more conducive to sleep, trying to separate habits of like making sleep schedules and stuff like that, where I'm not watching a lot of, or playing on the internet too much. And getting to sleep and feeling more restful. And that kind of helps that, um, other than the actual intrusive thoughts that happen, um, which is usually like, I'm not breathing enough, I'm going to die, you know? And usually about somebody like my husband finding me dead, it's usually my thoughts, which is great to tell him because he's like, thanks. That's a nice one to have now in my mind. But yeah.
[00:35:37] Gabbie: It just, I'm sorry for laughing, it just, it's like. You're worried that you're not breathing enough. You're worried that you're like, this is it. You're gonna die. And truly your thought is like, well, I got to get to like a good place for my husband to find my body. Like what? What constitutes? I want to know that part of the thought process. Like what is a good place for my body? for him to find you. Are you like positioning yourself in like a fun like hand on the chin looking thoughtful.
[00:36:10] Heather: Like wrap myself in a blanket or, or, um, or a rug? You know, just kind of roll me up.
[00:36:18] Gabbie: Easy disposal. That's good.
[00:36:21] Heather: You know, the EMTs can just, or the, you know, Medical Examiner can just bring me out. Um, you know. No, I was, it's always like, oh, he needs to sleep, so if I get out of the room then I won't disturb him and then he won't wake up to me.
[00:36:36] Gabbie: Oh my god. This is so sad and horrifying. Awful. But also very sweet that you want him to have a good night's sleep.
[00:36:50] Maeve: Very thoughtful of you.
[00:36:52] Gabbie: Yeah, quietly panic attack yourself in the corner.
[00:37:04] Heather: It's like, where do we go from here?
[00:37:05] Gabbie: I know. I don't really have any follow ups to that one. Um.
[00:37:10] Maeve: I.
[00:37:10] Gabbie: Maeve.
[00:37:11] Maeve: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
[00:37:11] Gabbie: Yes. Please.
[00:37:12] Maeve: Oh, yeah. I want to know what you're going to ask me, but I was just going to say that for me, I always, all my thoughts usually revolve around other people dying. Not as often myself sometimes me. It was interesting you were you were talking about the breathing thing because I've experienced that didn't realize it can be related to this, but we're hiding things that a lot of things are. You look at them, but. I would frequently have these moments where I thought my throat, my throat was closing or I was having an asthma attack and then I would, then I would start to like constantly swallow and I'm like, oh no, I am like my, I can't breathe, but it was never anything.
I even went to a bunch of doctors about it and they're like, I don't know what you're talking about. It's just, it's actually interesting. It can cause. In terms of medical stuff, like, I feel like it causes me to be more of a, I don't want to call myself a hypochondriac, but that sort of thing. And then get labeled as that because you think a lot of things are wrong and like the way that they're presenting themselves, it does seem like there's something physically wrong. And so.
[00:38:16] Heather: Yes, yeah, no, it's the, my throat, um, so what my panic attacks do is, um, it's literally, um, I can't, the air can't go, it feels like the air can't go through my throat. Like it's stuck here, but not like stuck in my mouth and nose, but not going down my throat and into my lungs. And, um, the thing that I found, um, that we talk a lot about on this podcast is, um, I always kind of go to self compassion, um, when those moments happen.
Um, it doesn't always work, but, um, as soon as I do some self soothing and I just kind of go, um, and say, Hey, you know, this is hard right now. This is really difficult. Um, and, and try to like throw like support at it. Um, also the other thing that I do,
I'm sorry, we just, we just had a interesting visual that's happening.
[00:39:16] Gabbie: Is that your husband?
[00:39:17] Maeve: Yeah.
[00:39:19] Gabbie: I'm walking back and forth and I love that he's crouching. He's ducking, isn't he?
[00:39:23] Maeve: I know. Sorry, I had to move into the office because I didn't have any wifi, so I kicked him out. Sorry to interrupt that. Oh no. And sorry to interrupt your story.
[00:39:30] Heather: No, no, no. It's just, no, I think it's so sweet that he thought he was like hiding from us. He looks like, he looks like he's being a little turtle, like going, like in the background.
[00:39:43] Gabbie: It was so cute.
[00:39:45] Heather: It's so cute. It's so cute.
All I was just saying is, is like, self compassion helps with some of those panic anxiety attacks. And I'm also like grounding yourself because if you start to, um, if you start to be more in the moment, then, um, then you can kind of start to relax. Like for me, it start, I start to relax a little bit and for some odd reason it resolves it.
I don't know what it is. It does to your brain. It's not a magic bullet. To make it go away. Um, but it's like that practice of being able to kind of focus your attention to more what's going on in the present moment. But that's, that's what works for me. Uh, it doesn't mean that it has to work for everybody else, but it's for, for right now, that's what's it's the magic bullet. You have to do this. No, it's, it's the miracle cure to OCD. Not at all. Um, but yeah, that's kind of like how I go about it. Um, yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry, I just got distracted because I was thinking about something else for a second because I wrote a note down and I'm realizing I didn't say something.
[00:40:53] Maeve: That sounds like ADHD.
[00:40:57] Gabbie: Somebody here has ADHD and it's not me and Mae.
[00:41:02] Heather: No, no, I, it was more of a, oh no, I need, I should have like added this beforehand. And then now I'm like, because I'm thinking of structure. Nobody cares.
[00:41:11] Gabbie: Settle down, editor. Just say the thing.
[00:41:16] Heather: No, but I was going to say was, is that, um, I also hate outlines. And have always done, uh, papers at last minute, but my issue has always been about perfection. So for example, with outlines, like lately I've been trying to write outlines, not forcefully, but just kind of like write them out. The thing is, is that I keep thinking something is solid in rock. Like if I write this outline, no, nothing can change from it. And in reality, an outline is just an outline. You know, it's flexible. You can change it. Okay. Yeah. No, but, but some of this thing is, is that sometimes I don't like writing outlines because I don't like, I don't feel like I know everything that I'm going to write. And that is like, that's the part that's scary. If I don't know what I'm going to write, then I shouldn't be writing, you know, is the criticism.
[00:42:06] Gabbie: Yeah. Even though like literally every like writing class slash TV writing class slash comedy writing class class is like, you're going to write 40. versions of this.
[00:42:22] Heather: Yeah.
[00:42:23] Gabbie: You know, script. Yeah. But I'm with you. It's like, if I write it down and this, I also was thinking is kind of like the planner, Maeve, like, if I write down something in my planner, then obviously that has to happen. And what if I don't feel like doing it that day? What if like I wake up and I'm just like, nope, not a people day or whatever, but I have to do it because I wrote it in pencil on a piece of paper.
[00:42:50] Maeve: Yep.
[00:42:51] Heather: Yeah.
[00:42:51] Gabbie: And I just want to rebel.
[00:42:52] Maeve: Yep, me too. This happens when I try to calendar out my day. I'll be like, 9am, take the dog on a walk. If I miss the, miss one of them, I'll just throw the whole day away. Well, I might as well not even finish doing anything. That's all it is.
[00:43:06] Heather: Yeah. Yeah. All or nothing thinking.
[00:43:09] Maeve: Yes. That's it. Yeah.
[00:43:10] Heather: That's what that is.
[00:43:11] Maeve: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:43:13] Gabbie: And maybe even perfectionism because, you know, you wrote it out. You didn't do it perfectly. The hell with this.
[00:43:19] Heather: Do better the next day.
[00:43:20] Maeve: And then it's the guilt. It's the guilt. It's like, it's always like this. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be normal and do shit? Like that's always my...
[00:43:31] Gabbie: Easily.
[00:43:31] Maeve: ...process.
[00:43:32] Gabbie: Yes.
[00:43:33] Heather: Yes. Yeah.
[00:43:34] Gabbie: Yeah. Which brings us back to that goddamn self compassion.
[00:43:38] Maeve: Yes.
[00:43:42] Gabbie: Yeah.
[00:43:43] Maeve: Yeah. It's hard.
[00:43:44] Heather: Cause its. Yeah, cause you, you need to like say, you
have to like, it's almost like you have to give yourself permission to be human in a weird way, but in reality, like it's, it's, it's like, you're human.
[00:43:56] Gabbie: Don't try that bullshit with me because, um, I have rules that apply to me that apply to nobody else, but I have to do these rules.
[00:44:08] Heather: Mm hmm.
[00:44:09] Gabbie: Because I don't know what, honestly. It's like, what do I think? I'm superhuman. I'm a robot. Like, I'm an alien. Like, why is it that these rules only apply to me and they're like also rules and goals that are freaking unattainable.
[00:44:26] Heather: Yeah, because you're trying to control something.
[00:44:29] Gabbie: Uh, again, Heather, stay out of it. You don't know.
[00:44:37] Heather: Because you're trying to control the outcome.
[00:44:39] Gabbie: Yeah.
[00:44:39] Heather: Right?
[00:44:40] Gabbie: No.
[00:44:41] Heather: You stick to the rules, you're safe.
[00:44:43] Gabbie: Yeah, that's not me. I'm a daredevil. I am.
[00:44:51] Heather: Sure you are.
[00:44:54] Maeve: I'm curious what your experience is with this because I've, I've always felt like this issue of control and this was long before I ever recognized it as an issue of control, but, um, that this need to control things impacts my relationship with things like food or spending money and like just anything that can really be a vice. Um, like
[00:45:14] Gabbie: Mmhmm.
[00:45:14] Maeve: Always had issues with food, weight, all that stuff. And it always came back to, or came down to control and yeah, that's all I wanted to add there.
[00:45:25] Heather: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That, I mean, I, I totally relate to that. Um, I didn't realize it. Um, it's funny cause a few weeks ago when I saw my, Psychiatrist. I was talking about my mom. My mom doesn't listen to this podcast, by the way. Um, and, um, and just feeling of this control, like when we were having conversation and I'm feeling control, I'm feeling like she's controlling me. And then he was like, well, wait, sure, that could be happening, he goes, but it sounds like you're trying to control her, clicked in my head. I was like, oh, wait, I'm doing it to her where I'm trying to build like one of my ACT values. If you do, you know what ACT is acceptance. Um, compassion.
[00:46:12] Maeve: No. No, no, I don't know.
[00:46:14] Gabbie: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
[00:46:15] Maeve: Oh, I just saw this on your last. I saw you talking about this, but I don't know what it is.
[00:46:20] Heather: Yeah. And so one of the things, I mean, I'm not going to talk about the whole thing, but I'll talk about it. It's mostly about, it's a value based kind of like system. And so one of my values, which is very flexible, but right now one of my values is communication and having good communication with my family and my friends, you know, and other people other people in my life. And I was trying to control her to manage my ability to like have a conversation with her because I wanted to manage her conversation with me.
And then I just kind of went like in my head went, Oh, I see. This is why it's difficult that we're having this conversation because I'm trying to, I'm like steering her. I'm like the sheep dog, you know, like trying to like manage the, you know, the sheep.
[00:47:03] Maeve: Yes.
[00:47:04] Heather: And that kind of behavior, that kind of rigid thinking, that kind of controlling behavior, it's not that we're being controlling, but we are controlling our, the things in our life. And all it really is, is like kind of managing uncertainty.
[00:47:19] Maeve: Really?
[00:47:19] Heather: That's all we're really doing. Yeah. You know, how can we prevent? How can we keep safe? How can we, you know, not, you know, You know, I don't know, overexpose ourselves. How can we, you know, other things, you know, you just fill in the blanks. Yeah. That's like how I find control slipping in. Um.
[00:47:37] Maeve: That's really
[00:47:38] Heather: How about you, Gabbie?
[00:47:38] Maeve: Oh yeah, Gabbie.
[00:47:39] Heather: Yeah.
[00:47:40] Gabbie: Oh, don't point, don't point at me. It's like, you're this way to me. I'm like, no, no, I'm, I'm this way. This is good visual gags. I feel like there are so many ways in which I try and control, but the one that like really comes up to me for me is like, like vices.
Like you were talking about Maeve, like I didn't try pot until my 28th birthday because I was. absolutely convinced that, you know, it was going to unleash like the true mental illness that I wouldn't be able to like shove the toothpaste back into the little toothpaste tube. Um, and I've never done anything harder than marijuana, you know, for that reason.
And alcohol doesn't really like. do good things with my body. I kind of like skip the buzz part, go straight to the hangover. But even then it's like, if I went out with friends, I wouldn't drink because I always needed to be the one who would be the designated driver. I needed to be the one who blah, blah, blah.
And some of this is like, Cool. That's, you know, so safe and like, you know, taking care of your friends and whatever. But truly it was really because I didn't want to be out of control. And on top of that, I didn't want to be out of control and have to lean on other people to take care of me when I'm in those moments.
And that is the case, like pretty much across the board, like trusting other people to be there for me. Uh oh. Got a little deep. Uh oh.
[00:49:25] Heather: Be vulnerable.
[00:49:26] Gabbie: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Being vulnerable is tough.
[00:49:31] Heather: It is. It is tough.
[00:49:32] Maeve: That's very relatable. I, I, I find that that exact idea exists in situations that are much less serious. Like when I, when we, we want to, we all want to go out to eat. I'm like, okay, I'm going to, I need to pick the restaurant. Like, I, I hate being this way, but I almost come across as like, there's a really a pain in the ass. And I'm like, well, I always tried to like, okay, where do we want to go? And I'm like, well, I heard about this place cause I want to pay. Planning. And I always hate how it looks from an outsider perspective, because I know I sound, I sound really annoying. And it's like this, that's just one example that I feel it comes up a lot. But.
[00:50:18] Heather: Yeah.
[00:50:18] Maeve: Same thing with like, I don't know, whenever plans just don't go. The way that I thought, and you're, you're just talking about this, like, when something is unexpected, oftentimes it triggers anger for me, because I don't, it's just such a shock and I don't know how to, how to react. Like, it can be something very small. I feel like it's dependent on my emotional state that day. But if, like, we had a plan and this happened once we 2 people, all of a sudden, that person brought, like. These other people along, and I was like, not not in a mood that day to be socializing with new people.
And I just flipped out. I couldn't handle it. And because I just lost complete control of the situation, like, it was not socially and then what we did, it was just not going to go the way that I thought. And I just completely freaked out.
[00:51:08] Heather: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:51:12] Gabbie: Do you, okay. So do you feel like in those situations is it like we were talking about? Do you feel too vulnerable? Do you feel like untaken care of by the other person who's brought this like unknown quantity into the situation that you guys had already agreed to? Is it like, do you not feel safe? Uh, what is it for you?
[00:51:36] Maeve: And I think it is the vulnerability and maybe not feeling safe, like, um, no, I guess. Sometimes if there are new people, I feel like, you know, that's not what I'm, you know, I'm not going to a networking event like where I'm meeting all new people. It feels like this isn't a place where I can be myself or, you know, I have to put on some sort of a different face or an act and I wasn't in the place to be doing that. So that it's just overload.
[00:52:07] Heather: Yeah.
[00:52:08] Gabbie: You didn't have like the adequate budget. Prep time.
[00:52:10] Maeve: And that's exactly what I said to my friend. I was like, I didn't have, I wasn't prepared. Like, I need time to emotionally prepare for, for, for this. And, you know, that was not received well. Like that was not understood by the other party.
This is abnormal. I don't know. This is why I feel, and I don't know, my husband and I, we this is why we're a good match. Like, we don't love social. I love being social, but at the same time, I hate being social.
[00:52:41] Gabbie: Yes.
[00:52:42] Maeve: So it's like a full, you know, I need to really prepare for that as if it were a marathon, you know, if I'm going to be really social.
[00:52:51] Heather: Something that my therapist has been doing with me for helping with, um, kind of a rigid thinking is, um, is flexibility. And doing activities that like practicing it in small ways. I think, uh, Gabbie and I, I think this will be in our next episode. I'm not sure. Um, is, um, I practice, um, like brushing my teeth with my non dominant hand.
[00:53:15] Gabbie: Oh yeah.
[00:53:16] Heather: So it's, it's putting something out of a normal, like, it's like so low stakes, so low stakes, but it's, it, it's uncomfortable enough to make you kind of go, okay. But then the more you do it, the more you kind of go, oh, this is, this is okay. Like, for example, if, if I was to give one to Gabbie is to kind of, um, work on her rules about showering.
Like if she has to wash her face before her body, well, maybe she washes her body first, then her face. You know, and that just small little...
[00:53:47] Gabbie: You sound insane right now and everybody listening agrees with me.
[00:53:52] Heather: Um, but you know, but just trying something that's just slightly abnormal that starts to add a bit of flexibility, like cognitively add some flexibility. It's not to say that it's permanent or whatever, but it adds a little bit of relief because your mind is like, Oh, this is just something different, just slightly.
[00:54:15] Gabbie: And it's okay.
[00:54:17] Heather: And it's okay. You're in an okay space. Nothing bad's going to happen. Those are things that I work on, um, to help me. Um, it's not to say that it solves it, because I still feel uncomfortable in certain situations, um, especially when I'm feeling vulnerable or insecure about things and kind of want to kind of build the walls, you know, add some rigidity into the situation to kind of like manage everything. But in reality, it's kind of like adding that flexibility. I've been finding a little bit of ease in my existence, which, um, is newer as Gabbie can attest to. Um, but since we have this working relationship, but she's well aware, um, of things, um, but.
[00:55:01] Gabbie: I'm so glad that it's working.
[00:55:03] Heather: Yeah, it's working for me, you know, at least. Um, so it's, it's kind of building on that, but yeah, it, it doesn't feel good. Yeah, all the time.
[00:55:16] Gabbie: Ah, I know what you're thinking. What a perfect time to end this podcast. And you're right. We're ending it right here. Thanks for listening. And if you want to know more about Maeve Forti, and why wouldn't you? Because she's hilarious. Please check out the show notes for this episode. We'll post lots of links and stuff like that. You go check her out. All right. Cool. Cool. See you next time.
[00:55:38] Heather: See you next time, everyone.
[00:55:39] Gabbie: Bye.
[00:55:40] [🎵 Outro Music]
[00:55:41] Gabbie: Welcome to the end of the show. This is Gabbie Blachman.
[00:55:44] Heather: And this is Heather Nye.
[00:55:45] Gabbie: Thank you for listening to Comically Exposed.
We're just a little show with two creators who edit and produce each episode. We appreciate all your support.
[00:55:55] Heather: If you like what you heard, please follow us on Instagram at comicallyexp.podcast. That's C O M I C A L L Y E X P dot podcast.
[00:56:07] Gabbie: Oh, and check out our website at comicallyexposed.
com. That's one word, comicallyexposed.com.
[00:56:15] Heather: Where you can contact us by text or even leave a voice message.
[00:56:19] Gabbie: Or subscribe to us on Apple Podcasts. Spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts, new episodes drop every other Wednesday.
[00:56:27] Heather: Also, special thanks to Track Club and Gxldxn Fxnch for providing the music.
[00:56:32] Gabbie: Thanks for listening. And Hey, everybody today is a great day to expose yourself. Okay. Until next time…
[00:56:40] Heather: In your face, Miriam.
