S2- Ep20- Turning Setbacks into Strength: Staying Positive when life gets frustrating

Melanie: Hello beautiful people. How is your day going today? I hope it's going better than mine started out going because yeah. Did you ever have one of those days where it doesn't matter what you try to do? Everything kinda slipped through your fingers or threw up a roadblock. Yeah. ⁓ So my original plan for today is I was going to take you up to one of my favorite places, Niagara Falls, and we were gonna talk about kinda the mighty Niagara and the mighty U. But that was at nine thirty this morning and it's now two thirty in the afternoon for me. And we're gonna do something a little different. We'll go back to that. So stay tuned for that one down the road. We are I'm gonna be doing some outside stuff, and I think Christine and I are gonna be doing some outside stuff because it's just beautiful here right now. But today, what I really wanna talk about is working past frustrations, working past them so you can get things done and also keep that good mood. Because I don't know about you, but when I get frustrated, my mood usually goes And I didn't let that happen today. And I'm proud of that fact. So that's what we're gonna talk about today. Cause you know, when we set goals for ourselves, excuse me, frustration is just a normal part of it, right? You're you're trying to do something and something comes in from another angle and kind of throws you off. And what do you do with it? And some of us look at it and go, okay, obviously I'm not doing something right. And that's not necessarily the case. The challenge isn't to avoid frustration, but it's learning how to move through it productively. And that's a lesson I'm still learning. Success often depends more on how you manage your emotions than on your motivation. So why does frustration happen? You know, h frustration happens when reality and expectations, they just they clash or they don't match. You know, progress is slower, obstacles bounce up in front of us and it's kinda like, you know, we gotta move around them. And then you get tired. And that mental fatigue makes these little problems. like somebody sending you paperwork and saying, Hey, you forgot to put a name in here, so do that and send it back to us All of a sudden it seems like this, Wow, the world just blew up. And it didn't, but it can definitely feel that way. And then there's perfectionism and that's a whole nother story in itself. Because it creates pressure on you you really don't need. So what can we do with this to work through it, work around it, work with it? still stay in a good mood. So part of that is recognizing the early warning signs. So notice, are you starting to grumble under your breath or are you starting to curse? are you switching from task to task instead of sticking with that one? Are you bouncing from thing to thing? That one that one's kind of tricky because sometimes I find that I need to take a step back. And I'm like, okay, this just is not working, and I'm gonna go handle this situation here, put it to bed, and then I can come back and start fresh here. Which is what I really had to do today a couple of times. Then there's procrastination. So are you really going to settle something down and take care of it? And then come back, or is it an excuse to walk away from what you maybe didn't really want to do in the first place? There's procrastination, coaches preparing. There's negative self-talk. And it's feeling stuck. Like I I ha have to. The have-to's come up. And the shoulds come up. And what happened to that want that you started the day with, right? What happened to that? So how do you shift that mindset? How can you replace why, why is this happening, with what can I do next? For me today, three different things came up, including really wanting to be outside, and then all these rain clouds coming in. It didn't rain, and the sun's back out, but the wind picked up. So I'm like, okay, I can pull my hair back and I go out and do this anyway, or I can kind of shift gears. You know, why is this happening? Is this something I'm not supposed to be doing right now? Is this like I literally said to a friend, is this a message from the universe that this is not the day I'm supposed to do this? But I'm a procrastinator. And I have put this off a few times now. Because I let life just say, okay, I'm gonna bounce out of that space. And today I was determined to stay in this space and have a good time with it. So I reached out to a friend, I said, Wow, this is what's going on. And then I said, okay, I'm gonna go fix this one thing because I want it done. It's Friday when I'm recording this, so I want it done so that I can go into the weekend clear of it. So I did. And I came back to this. And then I went, okay, now the energy doesn't feel right for what I wanted to do. So how am I gonna do this? How are you gonna handle that? What can you do next? Focus on the progress you're making. You don't have to be perfect. If I had to let go of that having to be perfect, I would not be sitting here in front of you doing a live doing a podcast, not a live podcast this time, just a podcast. But I'm not perfect. I stumble over my words. I give myself bullet points so I hit the points that I wanna hit. And it comes out, it comes out okay, because none of us are perfect, no matter how hard people struggle to be. So when those obstacles come up, how can you look at them? You can look at them as obstacles, as interruptions, or you can look at ⁓ as just part of the process. You know, we all have life to live, you know. Your kids want something, my dogs want something. You know, right now they're home pouting because I'm at work doing a podcast and they really want outside. They'll get their walk when I'm done. You know, I haven't ignored ⁓ all day. So bring it into your process, right? And also remember that frustration, it often signals that you're stretching your abilities. So you're growing. And growth is not comfortable. But we don't have to let frustration get in the way of it. I have to learn, I'm still learning how to use the program we use to do podcasts. So I had to reach out to my co chairs, coworkers, my co podcasters and say, Hey, I forgot what's the password? You know, just something that simple and it takes time to get an answer back sometimes. Okay, I should have written it down when we first put it out. I did somewhere, I just never transferred it to my list. You know, we all make mistakes. So break it down. Okay, well I'm get I'm waiting to get this password. What of these frustrations that popped up can I do? Okay, project done, passwords here, let's move on. So look and see what's the next actionable step you can take. Don't think about the entire project. What's the next step? And it's not so overwhelming that way. Some people like to use time blocks. So they're like, I'm gonna do this this day at this time, and I'm gonna do this this day at this time. And that works for a lot of people. Some people it doesn't work for some people it feels more pressure. So notice what you're noticing. Notice if it puts more pressure on you or if it actually helps you to set tasks and then take care of them. You know, our calendars are great things. Put an alarm in, say this day at this time I'm gonna do this. You can move it once. And you can move it twice. But once you get to that third time where I was today, you gotta do it. So here I am. Set a standard for yourself, a minimum daily standard, or a minimum weekly standard. How do you want to work? Say you're working like me on your business, or you're working on a book, or your goal is to lose weight and to exercise more. So set yourself a minimum standard. Say you want to work out and you want to work out four days a week. Set yourself a minimum. What do you want to work out? Ten minutes a day, four days a week, that's fine. Five minutes a day. Work to that standard and if you feel like going further, let yourself. And if you don't, allow yourself to be happy with what you did. Allowing yourself to be happy drops that frustration level. Are you gonna see faster progress if you do more? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Think about that one. Because sometimes you don't give yourself time to absorb the progress you're making. And that's really important too. See yourself, step back, see where you were and see where you are. And if you're not quite where you want to be, tweak. You know, maybe make it 15 minutes a day, four days a week. Or make it still 10 minutes a day, but add five days a week. When does it start to get overwhelming? And that's when you want to take a step back and be okay with right where you are for the moment. Because you'll make that next step if you don't force it and get frustrated with it. You can create routines if that's how you work, where you know every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday, I'm gonna get up in the morning and I'm gonna do a ten minute workout. Some people that works for, some people it doesn't. Some people it puts more pressure on. So notice how it works for you. All of this is for you, for your motivation, for your growth, for whatever you want to accomplish. Sometimes just breaking it down in bite-sized pieces works. And sometimes that leads to more frustration because it's like, okay, I'm into this now, but I said I was only going to do ten minutes. Come on. You said you were only do ten minutes. That's fine. And if that's what you're comfortable with, do ten minutes. But if you're motivated to keep going, allow yourself that flexibility. And if you get to the point of, ⁓ my God, I'm not getting anything else done, I have to put this to bed, then do it. Put it to bed for the moment. And go do one of those other projects you want to get done. You can always come back. You wanna protect your mood but still stay productive. So say you did three days of the week and you did ten minutes of exercise that day and that fourth day comes along and it's a struggle. The kids are yelling, the dogs are barking, the the Amazon's delivering packages and whatever else is going on. You know, y your significant other wants you to go do this. Let it go. Just let it go for the day. Let it be. You can get up Sunday morning and do it. Doesn't have to be Saturday. It could be Sunday. You could do it later in the day, or you could allow yourself to grace to say, today was really busy and I had lots of other people here at home. And I'm gonna enjoy those people and those moments, and I'll come back to this fresh on Monday. It's okay to make changes in your plants. Because if you try to stay right there, right there, then you're right here. And the kids are right here. And the dogs are right here. And your significant others right here. Or whatever the situation is. And yeah, you go like this and that's what happens. It all blows up. 'Cause you get frustrated, you get angry, you say things you don't want to say. Take a breath, take a step back and say, Okay. I've been doing really good all week. And I'm gonna celebrate that. I'm gonna celebrate the fact that three days this week I did ten minutes and yet and two days ago I did fifteen. So I'm gonna take that fifteen and I'm gonna take that as a win. Take your wins where you get them. They don't have to be big wins. Yeah, you don't have to go out and run a marathon. You can take a walk around the block. And that's a win. And if you go and Run a marathon? Well, God bless you. Because you're not seeing me doing that. I did one half marathon. That was enough, ever. So some people they need the visual. Keep a record. Keep it in your computer, your phone, write it down next to your desk. Keep a record of what you want to do. those uncompleted texts, but also keep a record of the completed ones. Those are your wins. Keep a record of those wins. People talk a lot about journaling and gratitude and that kind of thing. And that's fantastic. But you can also keep a win journal. Start a small booklet. And at the end of the day, write down your wins. And when you get frustrated, go back and look at that journal or that piece of paper or whatever you've put it on and say, This is what I accomplished this week, this month, this year so far. And realize that those frustrations that held you back from whatever you thought you wanted to do or needed to do, whatever, in that day, in that hour, it's okay because you have all this proof of all the things that have been wins. And what's your win in that? You're recognizing your wins. So that you gotta win from your wins. How you like that one? Avoid comparing yourself to others. We tend to take those struggles that are behind the scenes that other people don't see, and we compare them to other people's highlight reels. So you see that, ⁓ well, Jamie over there, she's got her own business and she's she's doing fantastic, at least from the outside. She looks like she's doing fantastic. She's got people in her business, and God bless her. And you know, y your other friend over here, she's doing what she wanted to do. She you know, she wanted to go back to school, and she is. That's great for her. But you're not seeing what their behind the scenes struggles are. So don't compare your behind the scenes struggles to their highlight reels. Because everybody's got both. One thing you can do to kind of balance those frustrations and struggles is build something enjoyable into your work process. You're gonna work out for ten minutes of morning, four mornings a week. Those other three mornings, what are you gonna do? Just gonna get up and start your day? You got an extra ten minutes in those mornings, technically. You could read a book, you could play a game. You can hug your kids, you know, you can have a tiggle fest. Whatever it is that that makes you happy. Allow yourself that. Build enjoyable moments into your work process. A lot of our lives we spend right here in our own heads with self talk. I do. I will tell you very, very truthfully that since I started on my coaching path and being coached as well as coaching, my self-talk has done a 180. Doesn't always stay there, sometimes it flips back, but it has done a 180. I'm not the same as my partner. I'm not the same as my coworkers. I'm not the same as my best friend. I'm me. And I'm okay with that. You know, I'm one of these people that if I could just stand up and speak in public, if I have somebody else to calm down, I'm perfectly fine because they got all the nerves. But if there's nobody there to calm down, and it's all just me. I get really nervous. I remember telling somebody in a group I'm a volunteer with that I would never, ever, ever stand up and speak in front of a group. Yeah. That was then. This is now. So allow yourself to see the growth you're making and notice what you can replace. Because never, ever, ever sometimes come back to bite you in the butt, but in a really, really good way. So if you're doing something and it's just frustrating the heck out of you, instead of saying, I am terrible at this, I can't do ABC. Take a breath. Okay, I'm learning this and I'm struggling right now, but I'm gonna figure it out. And I know I can reach out too. Might be a friend, might be a parent, might be Google. See, that's my last choice. But do it. Be yourself. You know, let yourself have the grace of saying. This is hard. Where before you might have said, This is impossible, I can't do this. Okay, acknowledge, this is hard. It's something you haven't done before, or it's something you haven't felt like you've done well before. So allow yourself to say, this is not my comfort zone. Public speaking is not my comfort zone. But once I'm up on that stage, I love it. I love connecting with people. And I never would have found that love if I'd stuck with I am never, ever, ever, ever going to do that. So don't beat up on yourself. Speak to yourself like you would speak to your best friend. Okay, maybe not. Speak to yourself the way you would speak to a respected friend or a colleague. Because we can we can go back and forth with our best friends. We all know we can. It's like being going back and forth with a sister. And recognize that that temporary frustration, it doesn't predict your long term. outcomes. You can make those be more than you think you can make them be. Take the frustration. How do you cope with that right in the moment frustration? I curse. Don't we all? I get snappy. So don't bother me when I'm in one of those, because I'm gonna warn you right now, I'm probably gonna snap at you. I reach out via text message to a friend and I say, errr, this is what's going on right now. So I get it out. For me, getting it out and just saying it out loud, I need to say it to someone. And I've recognized that in myself. And my friends know that. So they just go, you know, okay, take a breath. And The minute I release the text I have taken a breath. So that's the reminder to hey, take another one, you might still need it. How do you build up a long-term resilience to letting frustration take you down? Expect challenges. Never in our lifetime is everything gonna go smoothly. It's just not. So expect the challenges. Don't be surprised by them, you know? Like what happened this morning? I had like three different things come up this morning, and I was like, I was getting like this, and I was like, wait a minute. Okay, I know the situation, and I know things don't always go the way I would prefer them to go. So okay, take a breath. I'll deal with that in a few minutes. What else is going on? And look and look at the frustration. Take a step back. Allow yourself to take a step back. Turn in a circle. ⁓ walk into another room, change the energy. If you walk under a under a doorway, it changes your energy. If you turn in a circle, your brain has to go, Whoa, I gotta catch up here, and they like it lets go of the frustration. So when you stop turning in a circle, do you wanna pick that frustration back up again? Or do you just want to move on? So as you deal with it, notice it, be aware of it, and notice it. And congratulate yourself and say, I had all this going on, and I handled it, and I came back and I did what I was originally planning on doing. Or I didn't, because there was so much frustration, I walked away from it for the day, and I came back today and I did it. Because you'll get to it. Sooner or later you'll get to it. Allow that to be a positive takeaway. As you do, you'll develop confidence in your ability to adapt. And when you get into that, stop and say, okay, this has happened before. Maybe not this exact situation, but something similar. And I dealt with it then, and I just moved on. Allow yourself to see that. Because the more you see the changes you make, the more you see the positives in your life, the more confidence you build in yourself. And that shines out to the world. Це трісти процес. Take the little winds. You know, frustration, it's just it's it's just information. You know, and sometimes you maybe you're going in the wrong direction. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be outside at Niagara Falls today. That will come. But today wasn't the day for it. Maybe I would have gotten up there and it's about a half hour from where I live, so maybe I would have gotten up there and found that it was raining. You know, or it was so windy that you couldn't see my face 'cause my hair was all over the place. Or I was in a baseball cap. You know, whatever. Allow yourself to take the information out of the frustration and allow it to be what it is. It's just life. It's just life. Look at the progress. Look at the small steps you made. I dealt with all three of those issues today. And I did it without really getting pissed off. I got frustrated. I got a little annoyed. But I didn't stop. And I didn't get so pissed off I yelled at the dogs. Or, you know, I didn't take it out on a stranger, you know, when it was, you know, Road Rage. I didn't do any of that. And there was a time that I could be a really angry person. And it didn't take much to frustrate me and send me over the edge into anger. I've got a much better handle on that now. And you can too if that's the way you react. Or maybe when you get frustrated, you just shut down. I know people that do that too. And that's okay, because that's what you need in that moment. The trick is to take that moment and then move past it. So your good mood ⁓ good mood is your good mood. And take it that way and allow it to be. And see how you make your goals work. Everybody, this is Melanie signing off for the day. Have a great day and keep your eyes open for the mighty Nag or Mighty U episode. Talk to you soon. Bye for now.