70: Why Rest Feels So Uncomfortable (And What That Says About Your Mental Health)

WEBVTT
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Do you know what's really interesting?
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Some of the most anxious moments that I've had weren't when I was busy.
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They were when I finally stopped.
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Like you sit down, everything is technically fine.
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And instead of feeling calm, you feel restless and guilty, almost like you're doing something wrong, like you're just driven by this motor that won't stop.
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And that feeling is what we're talking about today.
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Why rest can sometimes feel really uncomfortable and what that actually says about your mental health?
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Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a podcast where we unpack the messy, beautiful journey of feeling from codependency.
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If you're burned out from people pleasing, stuck in unhealthy patterns, or just tired of putting yourself last, you're in the right place.
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I'm Dr.
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Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent, and I'm here to help you reconnect your authentic self, one honest conversation at a time.
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Here we go.
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Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners, and welcome to the Codependent Doctor Podcast.
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I'm your host, Dr.
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Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent.
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Today's episode, we're focusing on why rests can feel so uncomfortable.
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And since May is mental health awareness month, I really want to start with a topic that I see all the time, not just online, but in my actual day-to-day work as a doctor.
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I can't tell you how many people that I sit across from in clinic who are just exhausted.
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They are burnt out from work, from caregiving, from trying to hold everything together.
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And often one of the first things that I suggest is can we find a way for you to slow down a little?
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And almost every time there's this weird pause.
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Not because they don't want to, but just because either they can't, they don't know how, they're unable to, or at least it feels like they can't.
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There's this discomfort that shows up the moment that they imagine resting.
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Like slowing down isn't relief, it's actually unsettling.
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And I started noticing that this wasn't just happening with my patients.
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I see it in my colleagues, in my friends, I see it in my own life sometimes.
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We're living in a culture that constantly tells us to do more, be more, push through the discomfort.
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Productivity is praised, and being busy is worn like some badge of honor.
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Rest can almost feel like it's something that you need to earn.
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So today I want to talk about that feeling, that uncomfortable feeling that comes with rest and what that might actually be telling you about your mental health.
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Because if slowing down feels hard for you, you are not alone.
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When I was in my second year of medical school, I was studying, raising two kids, trying to be a good wife, a good mom, a good homemaker.
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Basically, I was trying to be everything to everyone, and I remember thinking, I need a break.
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So I booked a day at the Nordic Spa, and I had this whole vision in my head.
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You know the one, I'm sure you've had it.
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You're sitting by the fire, wrapped in your bathrobe, sipping a glass of wine, actually seeing the sun for the first time in a while that wasn't shining through a hospital window.
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It was supposed to be super peaceful and restful, like I could finally exhale.
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I wanted to be like that lady that they had promoted in their flyer, you know, super relaxed at the spa.
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But that's not what happened.
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I went into the dry sauna, and within maybe four minutes, I felt really jittery.
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I didn't know what to do with myself.
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I needed to move.
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So I got out.
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I went and grabbed some tea.
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I sat down by the fire, but I couldn't stay there either.
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So I moved to the hot tub.
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Then I went to my locker and I grabbed one of the three books that I had brought with me because of course I couldn't just, you know, pick one at home.
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I wanted to have options.
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Then I wandered around trying to find a hammock.
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I sat down, got back up.
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I didn't know what to do with myself.
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And it was like I had these 25 tabs open on my brain.
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They're all running at the same time.
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I I couldn't stop thinking.
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And I remember like I was wondering, like, what's wrong with me?
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Everyone else looks so relaxed.
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Isn't this the place where you're supposed to go and just be?
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I had been there for almost an hour and I was ready to leave.
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And that was the moment that it really hit me that I didn't know how to rest.
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Not physically, not mentally, not emotionally.
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I had spent so many years being busy, constantly moving, constantly doing things that my nervous system didn't know how to turn off anymore.
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And the scary part at the time, I felt being busy like that all the time was what was normal.
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It felt normal.
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Because everywhere around me, that's what life looked like.
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There was always something to do.
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People were always running around, they're always doing something.
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The house needs to run, the key, the kids need to be taken care of.
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There's errands, work, and school.
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And even when things slowed down, I didn't.
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I would find something to fill the space, whether it was, you know, maybe it'd start a new hobby, take on something new, maybe get another dog.
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It was like I was addicted to being busy.
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And looking back now, I can see that my nervous system had learned something really important that being on all the time meant that I was safe.
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And as long as I was moving forward, as long as I was being productive, and as long as I was needed, I felt okay.
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But rest, man, that felt really unfamiliar and it was really uncomfortable.
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And most of the time, I felt like rest was something that I had to earn.
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Now, my former spouse and I were very different.
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He had a play now, work later kind of attitude, which drove me crazy.
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Um, but in truth, I was actually a little bit jealous that he was able to relax.
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And I was resentful that he was able to detach, and I wasn't able to do that.
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I was more of a work now, play later type of person.
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The problem is, is there was always more work to do.
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That play never came.
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The goalpost of what I needed to do in order to rest or play, it kept moving.
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There was always one more thing to do, one more task, one more responsibility.
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So that moment of, okay, now you can rest, it never really came.
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And even when it did come, I didn't know what to do with it anymore.
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Sometimes I felt guilty for doing nothing.
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I thought that resting meant that I was being lazy.
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And sometimes it was this uncomfortable feeling of just sitting with myself with no distractions.
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It could sometimes actually be unbearable.
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And I remember that for years, like I barely watched any TV.
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There just wasn't time.
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And one day I was actually sitting on the couch watching a show.
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This is a show I hadn't seen in a long time.
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I loved it, I was looking forward to it.
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And then my phone rang.
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And when they asked me what I was doing, I immediately felt this wave of guilt.
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I'm like, what am I doing?
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Sitting here watching TV.
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And as I was talking to them, I popped up and I started doing the dishes.
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It's like, I don't know, I'm watching TV.
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I sometimes I could have been robbing a bank or something.
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Like I just felt that guilty for sitting down doing nothing.
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So at the time, I turned off the TV, it got up, I started doing dishes while we talked because resting didn't really feel like it was acceptable at the time.
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And when I think back on it now, being busy wasn't just about productivity, it was maybe avoidance.
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Because the moment that I slowed down, lots of things started to surface.
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My crumbling marriage, the loneliness that I felt that I didn't really, I wasn't ready to admit, the resentment that I was carrying towards people who were just taking from me more, taking more than what I could give, these were the things that I didn't know how to deal with, or maybe I wasn't ready to deal with.
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So instead, I just stayed busy, so I didn't have to think about them.
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So if you ever tried to slow down and instead of feeling relaxed, you're feeling anxious or uncomfortable or restless, there's a reason for that.
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Because stopping and just sitting with yourself can actually be really scary.
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And it's not like you sit down and think, I'm afraid of resting.
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This is something that's way more subtle than that.
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It's this feeling of, like, I just don't like this.
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Let me grab my phone, let me do something, let me get up.
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And a big part of that is what starts to come up when everything gets quiet.
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When you're busy, you don't feel as much.
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You're moving from one thing to the next, solving problems, checking off little boxes on your list.
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There's no space for anything else.
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But when you slow down, that's when the emotions start to surface.
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Maybe it's sadness that you've been kind of pushing away or loneliness that you haven't wanted to look at.
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The resentments that have been quietly building in the background.
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And it's not that those feelings suddenly appeared, they were always there.
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You just didn't really have the space to notice them.
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You covered them up with being busy.
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So, of course, now your system is saying, No, we're we're not doing this.
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Let's let's just get busy again.
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But there would there does come a time where you need to start dealing with those emotions because they're always going to be there.
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And unless you learn to sit with them and manage them, you're not gonna be able to relax.
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And then there's this identity piece that comes into play as well.
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Because for a lot of us, being busy isn't just something that we do, it's it's who we are.
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We're productive, we're reliable, we're strong for other people.
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You are the one who is getting things done.
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And that's how we've learned to feel valuable.
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So when you take that away, even if it's just temporarily, it can feel really uncomfortable.
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Like, who am I if I'm not doing something?
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Who am I if I'm not helping someone, fixing something, or achieving something?
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It creates this weird sense of emptiness within you, or maybe even a sense of loss, or maybe you're feeling guilty.
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Because rest doesn't always feel like rest.
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Maybe for you it feels like you're being lazy.
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Um, I should be doing something more productive.
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I'm falling behind, I'm letting people down.
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So even if no one is actually asking more from you, even if you've done enough for the whole day, that internal voice is still there.
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And if it's telling you that you haven't earned rest yet, you're not gonna feel like you can relax.
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And finally, we have trouble resting because there's this like sense of control, maybe.
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And being busy can feel like control.
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When you're doing things, when you're checking off your boxes and staying on top of everything, it gives you the sense that you're managing life, that you are holding it all together.
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But stillness can feel very vulnerable because when you stop, you're no longer distracting yourself, you're no longer in control of what comes up.
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You're just there with your thoughts, with your feelings, with yourself, and that can feel really exposed.
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So when we say just rest, it's actually not that simple because rest isn't just physical stillness, it's emotional exposure.
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And when you layer all of that on top of the world that we live in, it makes so much sense why rest feels so hard because it's not just internal, it's also what we've been taught and what we see all around us.
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Many of us are actually praised for being productive.
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That's what society values.
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Hustle, efficiency, doing more, handling more, working longer hours, taking on bigger workloads, skipping your breaks, skipping your lunch hour, being the one who's able to juggle everything without dropping the ball.
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And even beyond work, sacrificing yourself for others is often seen as a really good thing.
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You're encouraged to be the one who always shows up, the one who's always giving more of themselves.
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You're being praised to be the one who puts everybody else first.
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Those are the things that get noticed by your supervisor.
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Those are the things that get you accolades, higher salaries.
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Maybe you're being praised by your family members for working so hard and you know, burning money for the family.
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So, in a lot of ways, we're getting something out of being busy.
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We're getting validation, we're getting some of our sense of worth, we're getting this quiet reassurance that we're doing things well and that we matter.
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And you can hear it in the way that people talk about their lives.
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You know, it's like this badge of honor that they wear.
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They're they're bragging about, it's I've just been so busy lately, or I've barely had time to breathe.
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I worked all weekend, but at least I got things done.
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It's said with a mix of exhaustion, but also pride in there.
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Like, look how much I'm carrying, look how much I can handle.
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And somewhere along the way, we start to measure our worth by how exhausted we are.
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Like the more we're doing, the more that we matter, the more that we give, the more valuable we are.
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We're living in a culture that rewards overworking and it glorifies being busy and it quietly teaches us that rest is laziness, that if you're not doing something productive, you're falling behind.
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So when your body is tired, even when your mind is overwhelmed, even when you know you need a break, there's this internal resistance that shows up.
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It's a voice that says, just keep going a little bit longer, just finish one more thing.
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Just you can push through, and before you know it, rest stops feeling like something that you're allowed to do.
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It starts feeling like something that you need to justify or earn.
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And this is where your nervous system comes in.
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Because for a lot of us, it's not just a mindset, it's not just about beliefs.
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It's that your body has actually gotten used to being in a constant state of go.
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Almost like a low-level fight or flight response that's happening at all hours of the day.
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Not the kind that you're running from danger, but it's the kind where you're always slightly activated.
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You're always a little bit on edge, always ready for the next thing.
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Your nervous system has learned to live in a constant state of urgency, in responsibility, and being needed.
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And that's what feels familiar, that's what feels normal.
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So when you finally have a moment to rest, your body does not have a switch to just turn it off.
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It doesn't suddenly go, okay, perfect, let's relax now.
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Instead, it keeps going.
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You, you know, you you need to, you're on your phone, you're half working, half scrolling, thinking about what you should be doing next because fully resting feels too quiet.
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And when things get quiet, that's when your nervous system starts to feel really uncomfortable.
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When things are calm, your nervous system doesn't feel safe yet.
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That's not what it's used to.
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It's used to being on all the time.
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It hasn't learned that calm is safe, and it's gonna take time for that to shift.
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So even if your mind is saying, okay, we can relax now, your body is still catching up to that.
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And that's why learning to rest is actually something that you need to practice.
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It's not something that it's not a switch that you flip on and off.
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It's something that you need to build over time.
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You don't go from being constantly busy to suddenly taking a full day of rest and feeling amazing.
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That can actually just make you feel more overwhelmed than anything else.
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So instead, you know, start small.
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Uh start with intentional pauses during the day, whether it's you know, two minutes breathing at your computer, uh, maybe going outside for a little bit, taking a couple big breaths of air.
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These little moments where you're not doing anything.
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And at first, those moments might feel uncomfortable.
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I remember when I started putting 15-minute breaks in my day, I felt like I needed to fill it up with something, but I just started just sitting in my chair, staring at the computer screen, and um yeah, it was not a comfortable feeling, and it was hard for me to do it, but that's okay, that's all part of it.
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So different things you could do would be, you know, closing your eyes for five minutes at work and just taking a few slow deep breaths.
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Uh, maybe taking 15 minutes before going to bed to sit quietly and breathe instead of scrolling through social media.
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Maybe it's not picking up your phone for the first 30 minutes after you wake up.
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Maybe you just sit there and drink your coffee in a quiet room.
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So let your mind wake up slowly.
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Or you can go for a short walk during your lunch break.
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Not to run errands and not to be productive and not because you have to exercise, but just to be outside.
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Just notice the air and the sunlight, maybe even the sounds of the birds.
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Walk slowly so you don't feel like you have to power walk and get exercising while you're doing it.
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Just intentionally take time for yourself.
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And as you start to do this, you're gonna notice a couple things coming up.
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You're gonna notice thoughts and feelings, restlessness, even maybe some anxiety.
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And instead of immediately trying to get rid of those, see if you can get curious about it.
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What am I actually feeling right now?
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Why does this feel so uncomfortable?
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Can I sit with this just a little bit longer?
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Because the goal isn't to force yourself to feel calm right away.
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It's to teach your nervous system slowly that it's okay to be here and that it's okay to slow down.
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And along the way, you might need to gently remind yourself that you're allowed to rest, that you don't have to be productive all the time.
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The world is not going to fall apart because I took five minutes or 30 minutes to do nothing.
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And the truth is, rest doesn't have to look like one specific way.
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No one gets to define what rest looks like for you.
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For some people, it might be sitting quietly.
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For others, that might be watching a television show, or maybe it's laying down or staring out the window.
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The key is not what you're doing, it's that you're doing it intentionally.
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Not as an escape, not as a way to avoid yourself, but as a way to actually give your body and your mind a break.
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And that's something that most of us have to relearn.
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Not taking the time to rest might feel productive in the moment, but it can actually cost you so much more in the long run.
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When we stay busy all the time, we don't give ourselves the space to actually check in, to notice what's working and what isn't, especially in our relationships.
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If you're constantly moving and doing things, you don't pause long enough to ask yourself, am I happy here?
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Do I feel respected?
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Do I feel seen?
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Or am I just functioning?
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And when you avoid that kind of reflection, you can stay in situations that don't feel good for far longer than you should, because you're never slowing down enough to really feel it.
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And at the same time, you stay in this constant state of survival mode, always a little activated, always a little tense, always bracing for the next thing.
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And that doesn't just affect your mind, it's gonna affect your body.
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That chronic stress builds over time, and it can show up as fatigue that doesn't go away, having trouble sleeping, maybe you're having headaches or you're irritable, feeling like you're running on empty all the time, even though you technically got enough sleep the night before.
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And one of the biggest things I see is this growing sense of disconnection.
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You start to feel disconnected from yourself, like you don't really know who you are or want anymore.
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You don't know what you enjoy, what you need, because you've been so focused on doing things that you've lost touch with just being.
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And eventually, burnout becomes inevitable.
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Not because you're weak, not because you didn't try hard enough, but because your body was never meant to operate like that long term.
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Avoiding rest doesn't make you stronger.
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It doesn't make you more capable, it just keeps you stuck in a cycle that your body is not going to be able to sustain forever.
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If rest feels uncomfortable for you, it doesn't mean that you're doing it wrong.
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It doesn't mean that you're bad at relaxing, it doesn't mean something is wrong with you.
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It probably means that you are finally giving yourself space to feel what you've been carrying for a really long time.
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All the things that got pushed aside and all the things that you didn't have time for, all the things that didn't feel safe to look at before, they're starting to come up.
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And of course, that can feel uncomfortable.
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Of course it does.
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But that discomfort is not a sign to run.
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It's a sign that something is shifting, that you are starting to come back to yourself.
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And that's not something that you have to rush.
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You don't have to force yourself to sit in it for hours.
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You don't have to do it perfectly.
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You just have to be willing to stay a little longer than you used to, to feel a little more than you used to, to give yourself a little more space than you're used to.
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Because rest isn't just about stopping, it's about allowing.
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Allowing your body to come down, allowing your mind to slow, allowing your emotions to surface and move through you gently at your own pace, and that's where the real healing is gonna start.
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Thank you for hanging out with me today.
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If you like the episode, I'd love it if you would share it with someone who needs to hear it.
00:22:29.570 --> 00:22:31.009
Heck, share it with the whole world.
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I would love to help more people out there.
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I'd also really appreciate it if you would be so kind as to follow me and maybe leave a comment.
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I'm most active on Facebook at the Codependent Doctor and Instagram at DRAngela Downey.
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I wish you all a great week as you love.
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Learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life.
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Yourself.
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I'll talk to you again soon with another episode of the Codependent Doctor.
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Take care for now.
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You've got this.
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Thanks for spending time with me today.
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I hope something in this episode resonated with you.
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If it did, hit follow, subscribe, or share it with someone who needs to hear it today.
00:23:05.009 --> 00:23:10.370
The Codependent Doctor is not medical advice and doesn't emplay speaking to your healthcare provider.
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If you're in a crisis, please go to the nearest ER or call 911 or reach out to your local mental health helpline.
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I'll be back here next week with more support, stories, and strategies because we're healing together.