How to Win Without Losing Your Kid

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So there's a moment when you're standing over a box of glazed donuts and you've got a decision to make.
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When you were a kid, the decision to make was how many can I get in my mouth before mom turns around and sees me?
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And as you get a little bit older, you start to think to yourself, how many can I get in my mouth before other people around here would start to think I'm weird or a pig?
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And then you start to think about how many can I get in my mouth before it starts to make me feel sick and disgusting?
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And then eventually you look at that box of glazed donuts and you start to think, man, if I put that in my mouth, what is that gonna do to my body?
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I'm only gonna eat three.
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Stay with me because a lot of us are making sports decisions the same way a kid looks at a box of donuts.
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We see what we want, but we don't always ask what it's gonna cost.
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So there's a cost-benefit analysis.
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You've heard the term probably, it's a CBA.
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They do this in business all the time.
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And when we're talking about sports with our kids, we need to start to do a CBA.
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That sport looks like a big box of glazed donuts, and you're thinking to yourself, man, it's gonna be so delicious and so much fun.
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But there are questions that we need to ask ourselves that are gonna walk us through a process of thinking about it like a kid, or are we thinking about it like a teenager or somebody in our 20s, or are we taking an adult's approach to this question?
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Hey, I'm Jim.
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Welcome to Coach Dad.
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Today we're gonna talk about the decisions that we make about sports and the cost and benefit of winning and the analysis that we put into that difference between winning, losing, and what it's gonna cost us as a dad, as a coach, as a parent, and as a family member.
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There's a lot for us to think about.
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Let's dive in.
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So, so one of the things that we do poorly in youth sports is we begin to have an analysis about winning versus losing.
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And we're using the wrong kind of a measuring stick, right?
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You got a tape measure at home, and sometimes you need to measure something, and you just grab the tape measure and it's the right tool.
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But other times you need a ruler, other times you may need something totally different.
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And what I think happens a lot of times in sports when we look at this idea of winning and losing is that we're using a tape measure, but really what we need is a laser level.
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We need a level, something that's gonna tell us whether we are in or out of balance and if we're doing the right things for the right reasons to get those right kinds of outcomes.
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I heard this just the other day that I was listening to a podcast.
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If you've never heard Youth Inc., not Youth Inc., but Youth Inc.
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with Greg Olson.
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Phenomenal podcast.
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The other day he was talking about this idea of winning and what it looked like to win in sports.
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And he said he what he shared was this quote from a guy named Bill Walsh.
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It was an old football coach.
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And Bill Walsh said, listen, winning and losing takes care of itself as long as you go through the process correctly.
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And that's one of the things that I talk about with our team all the time.
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That that look, if we're going through the process, we're doing the work the right way, then sports is one of those games that that you get what you put into it, right?
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You get out what you put in.
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And as you are pouring into that sport, as you're putting that effort and energy into the things that you're doing, you're gonna get a positive result.
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Now, that doesn't mean that you're gonna bat a thousand.
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You're not gonna get a base hit every time, you're not gonna make every shot from the floor as a basketball player.
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As a quarterback, you're not gonna make every pass.
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Uh, as a running back, you're not gonna hit every hole and run for a touchdown on every play.
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Yeah, I mean, these are things that we would love to aspire to.
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And what we have to see though is that the results are predicated on us putting in the work, and then the way that we put that work in faithfully is going to give us a better result over time.
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So at the end of the weekend, if you have gone three for three, that doesn't mean that you had a good weekend, right?
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You may have had a terrible weekend, but you got three base hits because things just fell your way.
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You may have gone oh for three with three lineouts, and those were good at bats, right?
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That you did good things.
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Or you may have done some things on the court.
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You scored zero points on the court, but you had nine assists and eighteen rebounds.
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I mean, come on.
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Who's gonna yell at that guy?
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Oh well, I don't know.
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Take a step back.
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I might have yelled at that guy if I didn't know better, right?
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We we've all done something like that sometimes.
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So what we need to begin to look at is this idea of winning and losing and the work that goes into it, that if we do good work, then more often than not, not every time, but more often than not, the good work gets the good result.
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The good work gets the good result.
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That's the thing that we want to focus on.
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We focus on process, not results, process, not results.
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So, winning versus losing, as a parent, how do we make a good effort at that, right?
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How do we make a good presentation towards our kids?
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What are the things that we talk about with them to try to get them on the same page with us so that winning becomes a byproduct of what we're doing and that it doesn't cost us that relationship with our kids?
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The false choice then is that we look at this idea of winning and say, well, I'm either gonna teach my kids to win, I'm gonna demand excellence, we're gonna practice hard, we're gonna do things the right way, and we're gonna win.
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Or I'm just gonna go soft and we're gonna focus on fun and then we're never gonna win.
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But ultimately, that's a just a false dichotomy.
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That's not that's not really an accurate way of looking at things.
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What we wanna what we want to do is we want to focus on process.
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We want to focus on how we do things, and we want to focus on the character that we develop in those things that we're doing.
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So as we look at this, uh if we if we win, but we don't win the right way, and if we win at the cost of building character and doing things correctly, then it has cost us too much.
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Right?
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That that cost-benefit analysis comes back and says, hey man, that was too expensive.
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We shouldn't have paid that price to get the wins.
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Okay, so so we have to realize that that there is a cost to it that we are trying to, we're trying to develop the winning culture without focusing on the winning.
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Now let's let's look at what what can develop through that.
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Okay, so winning, winning creates a good mood, winning creates excitement.
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People love to cheer for a winning team, right?
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People love to cheer for teams that are successful.
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And and if you just look at attendance in Major League Baseball or in the NFL, that plays out 90% of the times.
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Like we've got people in Chicago that are gonna go to a game no matter what their team is like, but you you understand what I'm saying, right?
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Ultimately, if the team is successful and doing well, then they're selling, they're selling jerseys and people are showing up to games, people are gonna be there, and people want to be a part of that organization, right?
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You want to be a part of something successful.
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And so as a youth coach, you you are praying, you are facing this idea that you need to build a winning culture in order to attract the players to help you be more successful.
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That if you are not winning games, people are gonna go other places to play, and then you're gonna lose the people that are around you to begin with.
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So we have to develop this idea that we don't push to win, but we need to develop in ways that will allow us to win.
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So winning, winning creates that excitement.
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Winning uh puts people in a good mood, winning puts people in the stands, it puts people in your organization, it builds, it builds the numbers.
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Um, those are the kinds of things that we look at and we say, hey man, this is all positive stuff that we're trying to develop, and and we're getting these positive results in it because we're winning, right?
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But on that youth side, um the what is what could winning do in a negative sense?
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Winning can create pride, winning can create a sense of entitlement, winning can create people that are that have a big ego and are just out there for themselves and begin to look at it selfishly instead of from the teammate perspective.
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So, so how is it that we then create this culture of winning that doesn't cost us our relationship with our kids and it doesn't cost us the kids that are on our team.
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So, how do you lose your kids when you're focused on winning the wrong way?
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Well, it starts to it starts to become problematic with kids when when we start to parent them based on the performance and how they performed in a given weekend or a game or or whatever.
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So you would never, oh gosh, I hope, you would never say to your kid, hey buddy, I only love you when you play well.
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You would never say that to them.
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But are there some things that we're doing in the way that we treat them that might give them the impression that that's true?
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So are we happy with them when they win, or are we mad when they lose?
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Are we happy when they they play well, but upset with them when they don't play well?
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A healthier way to look at that is to take the success in a given game with a grain of salt and put the focus back on the work and the effort that was put into getting the result.
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So if they had a terrible weekend, but they worked really hard leading up to that weekend, then let's be satisfied with that.
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As a parent, let's be big enough to say, you know what, man?
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Hey, uh sometimes we have good days, sometimes we have bad days, but the fact is you put in all the work this weekend.
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You know, leading up to this weekend, you put in all that work.
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I know that you gave your best effort, and I appreciate that.
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It may be healthy for us also to say, hey man, your team won and you played great, but can we talk about the effort and the things that you did this week leading up to the game and whether that could be better?
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So let's focus on process, not wins and losses.
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Let's focus on the effort, not in the results, and then build the relationship with our kids based on one, their identity as your child, as your sons and daughters, and then and then way down the list is gonna be their success and failure on the field.
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Make sure that they know and they understand that.
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Let's take a practical tool and let's just take what we call a win check.
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Okay.
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A win check is something you can do at the end of a tournament or a season or uh kind of a particular stretch through the season.
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You can take a step back and you say, Hey, um, not just did we win or lose, but hey, did my child grow in character?
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Okay, you can ask them, hey, do you feel like you're a better person than you were two months ago or a week ago or whatever?
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You can ask them, did you feel like you grew and became a better person through this process?
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Ask yourself, did my love for my child grow or decrease during this time?
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Did my kids' love for the game increase or decrease?
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Did we honor God in the way that we competed?
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Did our home have peace?
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Did we celebrate process more than performance?
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Did we um did we uh have a kid that felt safe being honest with me about what was going on on the team, uh about how they felt, about the way they were playing, or their teammates, or their coaches, or or even the way I was interacting with them?
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Did they feel safe talking to me about that?
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Okay, um, these are questions that are gonna tell you more than a trophy will ever tell you.
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And it may be time then for us to have an honest conversation with ourselves about um about the value of the things that they experience through the season.
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Okay, so so here's something I think that every every sport parent should say at some point to their kids.
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Every sport parent should pull their kid aside at one point, just one-on-one conversation, look them in the eye and say, I love watching you compete and I love seeing you work hard, but I never want the sport to become bigger than our relationship.
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Okay, now here's where it gets tough.
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All right, listen to this.
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And then say, Have I ever made you feel that way?
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Have I ever made you feel like I was more worried about your success on the field than about our relationship?
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And then be a man enough to sit quietly and listen to them speak, to give them an opportunity to share their heart with you.
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Don't correct them or tell them, hey, no, that's not what I was thinking, or no, I just needed, I was just trying to help you, and I wanted you to be better.
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Just let them speak, let them share their heart with you.
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Listen, and as you listen, you can repeat back to them and say things like, Man, here's what I hear you say.
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Okay, this is what I heard from you.
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And make sure that you're on the same page, that you listened well, and that you took the things that they said with a grain of salt, and that you you learn from your kids what it is that they went through this year, uh, or during that time period.
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Okay.
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So let's make sure that we're giving them an opportunity to speak to us about that relationship.
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It may be time for us to have a little conversation with ourselves and with God to get ourselves back on a good footing.
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So, what's the what's the ultimately the biggest takeaway for us is this idea that that um there's a a famous quote that says, What does it benefit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?
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Okay, what does it benefit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?
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That question, in and of itself, should make you realize that it's possible to gain the whole world and lose your soul.
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That is a distinct possibility.
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We all need to be aware of that.
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We need to be sure that we're in a position of recognizing that that we can teach our kids to gain the world, they can be conquerors and lose everything at the end that they had hoped and dreamed would be theirs to have.
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That at the end of their lives, they're gonna sit back and they're gonna look on things with uh sadness and regret.
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That is not what we want.
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So, so as parents then, as we start to decide, you know, hey, I really want my kid to be successful in a sport, what are the things that I'm gonna do to help them win and be successful?
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Uh, I want them to be able to make their middle school team, high school team, college team, play in the big leagues one day, play play professional football.
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I want them to be in the NBA on, you know, down a center court.
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Um if these are the goals, there's nothing wrong with those goals, but those are the short games.
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Those goals are short-sided if we are not more concerned with who that person is going to be when they're 40 years old, 50 years old, 60 years old.
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So as we are going through teaching them how to be successful in sports, those things ought to be transferable to life, making them a wonderful spouse, making them a good teammate, making them a good employee that somebody's gonna want to hire, making them a great boss that somebody's gonna work wanna work for.
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If ultimately those are the things that we're shooting for, trying to teach them that, then the wins are gonna take care of themselves.
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But if we get that inverted, you're gonna lose your kids.
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You can't focus on the wins at the cost of the greater thing.
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I thank you so much for listening today.
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Remember, the mission is bigger than the game, and it starts at home.
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If this episode made you think of a dad, coach, or sports family, send it to them.
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