Chasing Thoughts | S03 E07: Structure Vs. Flow

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What is my next challenge in daring to be human?
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How do I connect with life?
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How can I let go of my need for fixed answers in favor of aliveness?
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How do I live free from the experiences that shaped me?
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How can we be the change the world needs right now?
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Join us weekly for story conversations about life.
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It is our mission to allow life itself to reveal to us the answers.
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Welcome to Chasing Thoughts.
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Hello everybody, welcome to Chasing Thoughts.
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Today we're going to talk about being in the flow and also being structured
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in the flow of life.
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I want to remind everybody that in this show we do not have the answers.
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I came here today and we talked about topic yesterday.
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It has been rolling around in my mind and I don't know the answer.
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It is something I am struggling with.
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I smoke weed and meditated before the show.
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I don't feel like I know anything.
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I don't know if I know anything.
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I don't know if the explanation is coming up.
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Yeah.
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Wisdom comes up when you don't know the answer.
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I was doing the same thing.
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I was sitting on my back step smoking and thinking about that.
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It hit me.
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Here's another paradox.
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I think it's a lot of people who are struggling at the same time.
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We need to live in that flow of things, live intuitively,
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but we also need structure.
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I don't think there is an answer to it.
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I think it's kind of flowing in and out of it as you have to.
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Yeah.
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I think it also might be more difficult when you come to a place in
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your life where you don't have to work hard.
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You have to be in all your own structure.
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Because a lot of my life, my roles dictated my structure.
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I had jobs where I had to show up the hours.
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They told me to.
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I had a kid.
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He needed to get to school at a certain time.
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I needed to do this.
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Right.
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And I'm finally at this time in my life where I'm building my own
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business.
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I'm building my own brand.
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I'm doing it all myself.
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I'm building my own business.
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I'm building my own business.
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I can do whatever I want.
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And while that freedom is beautiful.
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It invites this challenge for me.
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Of.
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Building that structure to succeed and reach my goals.
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That is such an amazing point.
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And it perfectly highlights everything that I've been feeling
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since starting this whole thing.
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Right.
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And I'm really excited as a person.
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I'm excited that I was able to get into my own structure.
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I'm so excited that I was able to get into my own structure.
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Which was different.
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And as you were saying that,
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like the thought that popped into my head was.
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I've never had this much freedom.
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To impose my own structure.
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You know, so we're born, you know, with the whole philosophy.
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Tabula, Ross a blank slate.
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But we're immediately, well, even before we're born, we're being.
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We're experiencing things, you know, inside the womb.
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learning and experiencing stuff from our parents.
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So this is the first time where without anything,
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I have the cognitive ability to question who I am,
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which I couldn't when I was born,
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but I can make it myself.
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And it's like standing over a void,
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you're not falling,
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but there's nothing that you see holding yourself there.
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And it's just this feeling of pure terror.
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Yeah.
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And I also have this thing going on where it's like I feel
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like I need permission.
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Like, oh, I want to work at 10 PM.
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Well, that's not normal or oh, you want to take this break
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or do I think things out of the box that would be unique fit
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for me.
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And then there's this sense of like, I'm not allowed to do that.
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And it's so interesting to me as I've seen that come up over
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and over again.
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Like, what is that voice that's telling me I'm not allowed
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to do something when I'm literally allowed to do it?
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Like, where's that coming from?
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It's interesting to me.
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Yeah.
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I am so sick of that feeling of having to fit in,
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you know, not wanting to stand out in any way.
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And I think it's natural.
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And I think that's one of the things PTSD does bring to people
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is like that need to an unhealthy way.
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Yes.
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You know, I mean, even like most of my clothes are black.
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And that's because I don't want any color because color will
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attract attention.
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Yeah.
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You know, like the dome light on my car is off.
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So at night when I open the door, it does the light doesn't attract
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attention.
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And it's I'm so tired of that.
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And that's energy spent, right?
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Of you being aware of your environment and doing certain
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things.
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And the more that we do that, the less energy we have for real
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creative stuff or our brilliance, right?
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The more that I worry about what people think of me,
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the less energy I have for something else.
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I almost wonder too, like, do you think that the energy that's
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spent in the creative process,
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we can get more output for the energy we put into it.
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Whereas the energy that is spent because like trying to fit in,
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not wanting to stand out, that's all survival.
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Yeah.
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And so we're in that fight or flight response.
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And is it, are we expending more energy to keep ourselves safe in
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an environment where we don't have to, you know,
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the threat is psychological and not real?
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Yes.
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I think that is very true.
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And I honestly can't even imagine if I felt safe in my,
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my environment all the time.
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And I mean, like safe, being able to show up, right?
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Be judged, not care, let people live their own story.
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I imagine I'd have a lot more energy because a lot of my energy
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goes to that.
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And I think that's a very important thing.
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And I think that even if I am consciously trying to choose
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something else or not listening to those thoughts,
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keeping up a wall against those thoughts or like even having them
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there is a drain.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Haven't, haven't just to defend yourself against those thoughts.
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Yeah.
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Interesting. Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I mean, I'm not going to tell my husband like,
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I'm not able to defend against those thoughts right now.
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Like if something happens, I'm going to be spiky.
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We're going to fight easily.
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I'm struggling because when you can't defend yourself from those
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thoughts, that's when you get in big fights.
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That's when you spiral down.
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But it just happens sometimes.
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And you know, that, that, that is the worst part of like all that
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anxiety to be in where you feel like you can't escape from it.
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You know, they, they did studies after 9 11 with kids that were in
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school around those, the buildings.
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And when, when the planes hit, the teachers like got them all
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together and then began to like run them down the street.
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And they found less instances of PTSD in these kids.
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Because there's, they were active in their own, in, in protecting
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themselves.
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Interesting.
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And then when we're in those situations where like during the
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Holocaust, Victor Franco writes about the worst, the worst mental
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sort of trauma that, that they faced was not having an end to, to
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their imprisonment.
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So it was just open ended thing.
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And so there's, there's a hopelessness that seeps in that
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you're, you're then trying to fight as, as well as the situation
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that you're in.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, it's interesting how our whole life is in this physical
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world, but also in this mental world of stories that we're telling
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ourselves as we traverse this landscape of humanity, you're right
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of being.
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Yeah.
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It's.
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I'm becoming like addicted to the idea of stories.
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Cause I think that that's, I mean, we're, we're the narrators in
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our own story, you know, like, uh, was that movie, um, stand by me,
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you know, like, were they narrator, like the wonder years, were they
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narrating the story in their, like that, I mean, that's basically
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what we're doing.
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Yeah.
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We're living a character and we're narrating our own story, which
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means we can make it up.
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But first we have to kind of learn how to block out the white
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noise, which is the societal ideas and the parental ideas and the
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teachers and the religion and all that stuff and, and choose a
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story that we want to tell.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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So you have to have awareness that you have that control, right?
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Cause a lot of us go, our lives are much of our lives thinking that
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our stories and our thoughts are just who we are.
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Yeah.
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That separation and be able to see the pieces.
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That's where I really, I think, I think that's where the juiciness
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starts.
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Yeah.
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That, that was one of the, one of the things that I learned that
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had a huge, um, pivotal moment for me was, was that worthy
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observer of our thoughts.
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So then therefore we're not our thoughts.
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We're something else.
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And then just starting to learn how to connect with that higher
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level, um, consciousness.
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Like that was so pivotal for me.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Me too.
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Yeah.
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That.
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Like being able to watch myself be anxious versus being anxious.
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Right.
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To be like, okay, here I am.
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I'm going into my patterns of high anxiety.
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If I don't take care of myself, I'm going to like break down crying.
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But I'm watching myself and I'm not lost in it.
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And so I can take care of myself.
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Because I'm like, okay, Mindy, here we go.
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We need to go do this now. Right. Oh, someone said something and you
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feel defensive.
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Okay.
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We're going to take a deep breath, Mindy. Right.
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And then I'm like, yeah, it's like I'm coaching my own self on how
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to live.
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Yeah.
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I think that I have this consciousness.
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Yeah. And that's, that's the key.
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You know, that's, that's what allows us to live.
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Responding to what is going on instead of reacting to what's
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going on.
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Yeah.
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Like for the things that are truly dangerous, like that, that
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reactive brain is, it's going to do what it does.
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It's going to take over and it's going to react, you know, but being
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able to stay and recognize that somebody just pissing you off for
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whatever reason is not actually a threat.
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You know, like, I, in fact, a couple minutes before we jumped on,
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I was looking at my YouTube stuff because I got a new comment.
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And I was like, oh, I wonder what they said and stuff.
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And I looked and it was this thing where I was just talking about,
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I love ancient artifacts.
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Like there's just some type of energy that I, I almost like can
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feel, you know, being close to them and everything, like thinking
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that somebody 3000 years ago touched something.
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It was lost to time.
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And then I'm digging it out of the earth.
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You know, that is, oh my God, incredible.
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And so I was talking about that and this dude responding goes,
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stop yapping.
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So at first, like, I was like, I'm going to be like,
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I'm going to get my hair cut first.
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Like, I get like pissed.
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You know, and then I just started laughing.
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I'm like, it's kind of funny. Stop yapping.
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I haven't heard that in a while.
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You know, and he this dude's coming in no way is a threat to me
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unless I, unless I allow it in like a free vampire,
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you got to invite him in, man.
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Right. If I invite those, those things in.
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And really he told you something about him.
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not into storytelling or he's uncomfortable with somebody sharing their passion or right like
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he showed you something about him that has nothing to do with you based on his judgment.
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It's not even about you really. Yeah, yeah, you know, like, because then in my thoughts,
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and I'm just making all these assumptions about him, you know, this is somebody that is not connected
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to wonder in life, you know, to action, you know, and that makes just makes me sad for him,
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you know, when it comes down to it. Yeah, and maybe it's true or maybe it's not true, but
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that story in your head makes you a more compassionate person, and it makes you feel
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safe in your own space and body. So that's a wise belief system to have.
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Yeah. And dude, that that is that's just like the locking key for everything. It doesn't matter
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if the story is true or not. What matters is what the story does for me, because if the story makes
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me go into not being angry, not not losing and just wasting my energy and all these negative
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emotions, but it pushes me into a more positive place that is bringing more energy into me,
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like just bringing life into me. That is the purpose of the story, not not to be true or false.
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Right. But to either bring life into me or deplete life from me. You know, and I mean,
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like the energy of life. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. I am surprised I play with this sometimes. So
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everybody knows that situation where you're walking into a party or a room or a conference,
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and your thoughts are saying things like, nobody's going to like me here. I'm the
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stupidest one in the room. Like, I look ugly. I look fat in this dress, like whatever the narrative
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is. And just as an experiment, flip it completely. And I know it feels like lying to yourself,
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but be like, everybody here loves me. I'm going to be the most popular person in this room.
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I'm the best dressed person here. Because like we said, neither of them are true.
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Neither one of those extremes. So you might as well tell yourself the extreme, like if you're
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going to lie to yourself anyways, lie to yourself over here, because at least it fucking feels good.
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Right. It doesn't matter if it's true, right? What you tell yourself is going to impact how
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you show up and how you feel, period. Dude, I love that. If you're going to lie to yourself
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anyways, like just might as well make it a good one. Right. You know, because you're not the
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biggest piece of shit either that your brain is also telling you that lie, right? Right. Lie to
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yourself the other direction. That's freaking awesome. Dude, you know what I was thinking of too
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when thinking about like talking about this today was so back during my church days, especially
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like growing up when I was a teenager, everybody wanted to be a preacher. Like all the guys wanted
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to be a preacher. And of course, since girls can't, they wanted to be pastors wives or missionary
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wives or whatever. And, but then I would hear all the preachers come in saying how important it is
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to have the people in the seats, you know, the people at the power plants, the machinists,
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and they talk about how important that is. But then the rest of the time it's just all about how
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called and blessed and amazing and righteous that the preacher is. So they almost build like this
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romantic version of this occupation. And of course, everybody wants to get into it.
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Yeah. And then when you're like told like, Nope, it's not for you.
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Like, why do I have to be less than? Yeah. You know, so what it reminded me of was
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like, we're in a good place. Like, because we get to do this, you know, especially me. I get how
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blessed things. I have my retirement, which brings in money, which allows me to do this. And then
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Sandy just pushing me forward with us, you know, like we could tighten our belts. We won't have
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to do it much, you know, but we could tighten our belts for a little bit until, until things start
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rolling. So it's hard for me then to tell somebody that's working the nine to five or, or not, not
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only the nine to five, but then all the overtime to pay the bills, you know, break out of the
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matrix and stuff like, well, you can't survive. Yeah. I have two thoughts on that.
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First, I agree with you and I feel incredibly privileged. The life I live is amazing.
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But one thing I've been trying to take more ownership of in my life is the hard work I did
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to get here. And so while I hear what you're saying, if anybody knows my story, right, I grew up on
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food stamps. I grew up living in and out of my car with my mom and my sister, right, huge poverty.
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I struggled through trying to change my mind. And as I changed my mind and grew and grew and grew,
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I stopped choosing abusive men. I stopped choosing dead-end jobs. I stopped. So yes, it's a privilege
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to do this work. And the amount of time I can dedicate to this work is more now. I have been
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doing this work since I was a teenager. Like that is what gets you out of your circumstances,
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is learning how to change your mind and whatever capacity you have, five minutes a week, right?
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Maybe then it's 10 minutes a week. Yeah. But you don't change your life without changing who you are
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on the inside. You just, I don't think you can. And so I think that there is, you know, I think that
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what we talk about is available and valuable for everyone. Yeah. Yeah, I completely agree with that.
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And I think what I struggle with is, and kind of like talking about being in the flow or the
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structure, when someone's in that sort of box of existence where they have all of that structure
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controlling them, like to the point where our identities are formed by what we do.
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Yes. Yes. Like just that whole idea of like when we meet somebody new, that's one of the first
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questions you ask them, like, well, what do you do? And then based off of that, we judge them,
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you know, if they're a banker in an office, you know, like, or something like we're going to see
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them as more of a trustworthy person. And so how do they start detaching their identity
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from all of that structure where they can enjoy sort of like their own life. But like,
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that's a smaller part where not like it's opposite right now, like that structure is the majority
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of their life. And then a little small part, which is made above all these routine things,
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because you're living around this, this timetable. Yeah. I think I can say this.
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When I look back on the things I did to grow as a human, I think the number one thing was
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loving myself more, like more actively, giving myself what I need, understanding myself, talking
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kindly to myself, or even, you know, making time saying, I'm not going to take my kid and sign
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him up for the sport because I need afternoons at home by myself. Well, right. Making choices
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that honor your needs. Because the more that of you that you can gather to you,
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the bigger the foundation you're building for going forward.
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Yeah. Yeah, kind of like where if you're if you're giving everything, I mean, just to your kids,
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which is so easy to do. And it's prison or culture, right? You're the perfect mom if you leave nothing
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for yourself. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And then then you're depleted and then you can't be there 100%
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for them while you're with them, you know, but then taking that time for yourself sounds selfish,
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but it does allow you to show up 100%. Yes. And that will change your life in ways you can't
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imagine because in the moment you'll respond to things differently. You'll start thinking differently
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when you're coming from a well cared for place and you don't even understand what that's going to
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be like right now, but it's going to help you get where you want to go. That's what I think like
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it's like when you're in that spot. You just have to trust that taking care of yourself is the answer.
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So that whole so it's not about necessarily breaking out of that structure, but it's about
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turning inward while you're in it because that while you're in it, that's going to be where
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things begin to change. Like you change with how you're seeing yourself, how you feel about yourself,
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which is going to affect how you feel about what you're doing, you know. And I think it's
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completely possible to to be like working at nine to five or whatever and still enjoy everything,
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every aspect of your life because you are the identity instead of the occupation.
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Yeah. Absolutely. So let's talk a little bit more about flow and structure because I would like a
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little bit of something to move forward since I'm struggling with it. I want to dig into it more.
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I know in the beginning you're like, I think you just need to go back and forth. I'm like,
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I've been trying that. That's not working. So yeah, I just want to do like when are you offering
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yourself any structure? What structures are you offering yourself? Or when you think about
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for me, it's thinking about the fall because my summer is crazy. I have backpacking trips,
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people staying with us. Obviously, nothing's going to happen. Never set up a new goal and
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shit like that's about to happen. You're not going to succeed. So come September,
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you know, what do I want my work days to look like? Because for me, I have recognized one thing.
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With structure, I get more of what I want done even if I blow off the structure 50% of the time.
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Right? I'm not shooting for 100% of the time. I have to be fierce with myself. If someone calls
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and wants to do something, I have to say no. I want flexibility within it. But I've learned
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that having it, I still hit more of my, I still work out more. I still meditate more. I still
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show up and get more projects done on my business. And so I want something like that. But I'm curious
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for you, do you set up that much structure like Monday through Friday is going to look like this?
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I tried doing that. I read something on time blocking and stuff and I was like,
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all right, cool. I'm going to do this. And then this is going to be the answer. I'm going to just
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start being an overnight success because I finally got this organization down. And then the first day,
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just within the first hour, the whole day was just off. So what I learned to do is I structure out
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like a month. So I'll look at August coming up. I want to do three hours of my classes a week
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to go up to the higher coaching certification levels. So that in a month is 15 hours. And I'd
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like to do that Monday, knock that out and get three hours of classes done, a couple of smoke
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breaks in between, a nice easy day where I'm learning, making tons of videos while I'm doing it.
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Then I have the book project I'm working on and then everything else is just like the videos
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and like maintenance stuff. Like I want to start working on merch, whatever. So I have that structure
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and I think about what I want to get done for the week. So like three hours of classes and I'm
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going to do it on Monday, but then Monday comes up and it's a perfect day for a hike and I can go
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in the woods and bring my only fan set up and record some content. And I just do that for four
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hours. I just go in the woods and just smoke and talk into the camera for four hours completely alone.
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One of these days I'm hoping like there's deer running around in the background and stuff, but
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and then I'll keep in mind I need to do these three hours. But now content-wise,
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I'm good. All I have to do is just edit that stuff and then start throwing it up. So I can now say,
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okay, well, Tuesday I'm going to do that three hours. And that's what I meant by like moving in
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and out of structure, like moving into the flow and out of the structure. So the structure is there,
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almost like thinking about it is like two different dimensions. You know what I mean?
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Like when you get that intuitive pull into a place, you go into the flow of that and see
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where that takes you. But then when you need to, you move back into this other dimension of the
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structure and be like, okay, well, I put this off today. So today I'm going to knock this out.
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Yeah. You know, so it's kind of listening to that voice inside that intuitive voice inside
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of telling you when you need to be in it and when you need to venture from it. Yeah.
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Yeah. I was thinking about adding some more intentional space into sort of, you know,
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what I want to get done in a week or a month. And that is a creative space where, so you have
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you heard of the book, The Artist Way I mentioned it before? One of the things it says is you wake
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up every morning and you write longhand three pages and it doesn't matter what you write. I hate
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doing this assignment. I can't think of anything to say or you write real things. But the practice
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of showing up for yourself every single morning and dumping your brain eventually has these really
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good results for people. And I can understand that. That makes sense to me, like building this space
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for something. Oftentimes when I don't have any clients or I've lost some clients, I'll create
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fake files, empty files, I'll buy them new notebooks because I take and I create the empty space for
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new clients to come. And so with some of my creativity, I'm asking myself, how can I set up
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a space where I show up every day for or not every day once a week for an hour, two hours, whatever
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it is. And let myself create something. Because right now creating something and creating something
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new, I'm not talking about just like, oh, I have this list of 10 videos I need to make. But just
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writing, doing art, like showing up for myself in that way because my creativity and my artistry
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is something that I want to grow. It's something I'm kind of afraid of, to be honest, and have like a
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lot of weird shame stories about. So I'm asking myself how to invite more of that person to come be with me.
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I'm so hesitant to say it because I know like when it's my turn to do it. I'm gonna be like, I screw that.
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But I've been able to do it a couple of times outside of my family. My family, I can just do it.
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But it's forgetting yourself and just letting what comes out comes out. Do you say like, I spend this much time in this energy in a week. Is it a goal? Or do you just go in and out of that as well?
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Yeah, I just go in and out of that. But I think I need to make it a goal to spend a certain amount of time in that energy because it's very hard to do.
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Like for me, especially somebody that doesn't want to be seen because then what that means is you are, everybody says like, I want to be a light. But like, if I don't want to be seen, I don't want to be a light. You know what I mean?
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I don't want to shine. I don't want to glow. I don't want to just be. I have a video on my phone. My brother was at a family function. He was like making a little take home tray or some dessert that somebody made.
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And his wife had scooped. It was a Tupperware thing with two divisions in it. And she scooped the first one, put the lid on.
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So my brother's like, what the heck? And my mom, she's like, oh, that's not enough. And I call him Baby Jason because I joke around that he's my parents' favorite.
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So I'm like, oh, yeah, it's not enough for Baby Jason. And then for like five minutes, he's, or maybe it was a couple minutes, he's just slapping more of this.
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I don't know. It was like some type of cream and strawberry thing or whatever. Just slapping it into the Tupperware. And I'm just over his shoulder going, oh, Baby Jason, oh, yeah, it's so good.
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Like just, I'm completely lose thought. You know what I mean? It's like when people meditate, they're like, I just went blank. That's what happens. And I'm just saying things.
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And people are crying. They're laughing so hard. You know, and I can do it easy with family because I feel comfortable, but I wanted to.
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That's what I was going to say is like that to me sounds like a byproduct of feeling really safe in yourself and in your space. And it's beautiful.
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I never felt more confident than in those moments. You know, and I remember when doing this work, I was like, I need to start challenging my comfort zone.
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So my wife showed me this thing. It was like a coupon for three, three improv lessons. So I'm like, all right, she was like, dared me to do it.
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So I'm like, oh, I got it. It was a double dog dare. So you have to do it. And so I went and I had fun. So I signed up for like their little introductory class.
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And there was like one time that I got into it. And I don't know, something with a robot is going to sound stupid, like to tell you about.
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But and the robot is supposed to be broken and stuff. And everybody's looking at this part. And then I just start hauling ass around the room like I'm an out of control robot and just being like, what the fuck plays out, you know, and like everything stopped.
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And I just I felt completely in control. I felt powerful. Yeah.
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You know, I have to flow at its greatest, right?
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Let's do it. Oh my God. Yes. Yeah. Because all the all the judgment that I put on myself, all the characters that I'm trying to play are gone and I'm just being.
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Yeah. Would you say that you felt safe in your family for most of your life? Like did you grow up feeling wanted and cared for and like people hide your back?
430
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Um, I would say yes and no, you know, like I got lucky with my family, you know, whatever, whatever we needed.
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Like my parents would figure out, you know, my dad, when I was born was working three jobs.
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Then he got a job at a power plant as a janitor scrubbing toilets. And when he retired, he was running the operations center by himself.
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For the entire, you know, keeping all of Connecticut with power.
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Um, so he worked his ass off for his entire life.
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Me and my brother used to fight, but it was like the 80s. So it was different.
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You know, like I went after my brother once with a knife because I had like on nuts and like cops weren't called.
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I didn't get arrested or anything. It was just like, you know, my dad took care of it.
438
00:35:30,880 --> 00:35:37,680
And, uh, and that was the last time I went after with a knife, you know, but, um,
439
00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:43,520
and then there's all, you know, our families have their own issues.
440
00:35:43,520 --> 00:35:44,240
Yeah.
441
00:35:44,240 --> 00:35:49,680
So you can start to see what those are, to see where things were lacking or whatever.
442
00:35:49,680 --> 00:35:56,720
So, and then just the whole thing with church, like I never felt comfortable. I never felt like I belonged.
443
00:35:56,720 --> 00:36:04,720
I never felt safe. Um, there wasn't one day in church that I was not afraid of dying and going to hell.
444
00:36:04,720 --> 00:36:13,200
And, and like, why don't I feel saved? You know, all this, like, like we, we, we always were taught like,
445
00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:20,960
once saved, always saved. That was the type of Baptist we are, are a word. And, and I would get saved like
446
00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:24,800
thousands of times a year because I'd be like, oh, oh, that's my problem.
447
00:36:24,800 --> 00:36:28,000
That's why I'm feeling this way because I'm not really saved. So now I'm going to get saved.
448
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:32,880
And I would say the same prayer. And, and then like three weeks later, I'm like, okay, I'm not saved anymore.
449
00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:38,160
Like what the hell is going on? I would even question, like, is it impossible for me to get saved?
450
00:36:39,120 --> 00:36:43,920
But I know that that's against the Bible, except the, like the anti-Christ, he,
451
00:36:43,920 --> 00:36:46,960
he's not going to get saved. So I'm like, maybe I'm the anti-Christ.
452
00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:49,040
Yeah.
453
00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:58,160
So in that way, I had a very scary internal world that when I was a teenager, man, I was freaking
454
00:36:58,160 --> 00:37:04,560
depressed. It was horrible. I even had one, my brother.
455
00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:10,080
Was it because you were wrestling inside with the, the truths of this or like it wasn't resonating with
456
00:37:10,080 --> 00:37:14,160
your soul and so you could feel all that inner conflict and it caused a lot of depression?
457
00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:21,360
Yeah, I was, yeah, it was, I didn't, I didn't feel real in anything, you know, like when I
458
00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:27,440
did the church things, I felt fake. I felt absolutely fake.
459
00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:32,320
Right. So you, you couldn't find yourself. You didn't know where you were because everything was kind of,
460
00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:34,240
all your roles weren't really authentic.
461
00:37:34,240 --> 00:37:43,680
Right. Oh yeah. 100%. Yeah. And then that just turned to, to, to just pure anger in my life.
462
00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:47,200
And I would do just stupid things.
463
00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:56,880
Not, not necessarily for people to see me as like the crazy dude, but just because of the rush I got
464
00:37:56,880 --> 00:38:03,120
from it, you know, like surfing on top of a car going down like 40 miles an hour down the street.
465
00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:09,120
And, and like when they were slowing down, like maybe 20, but jumping off into the grass on the side of the road.
466
00:38:11,120 --> 00:38:17,120
Holding onto my buddy's car on my 10 speed and he's going 50, you know, and the bike is shaking and stuff.
467
00:38:18,080 --> 00:38:22,400
And I started getting that reputation, you know, of like,
468
00:38:23,120 --> 00:38:25,120
Right. Sort of a hell yeah. And thrill seeker.
469
00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:33,600
Yeah, but I wasn't, I wasn't, it was just doing it because I felt like I almost had to feel more to feel anything.
470
00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:36,160
Yeah. Because I felt so empty.
471
00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:39,200
Yeah. That's fascinating.
472
00:38:40,480 --> 00:38:47,360
Yeah. It's interesting when I talk to people who come from big families and I just want to sort of represent the other side.
473
00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:53,760
I grew up with my mom and my sister primarily. My mom was not reliable or trustworthy.
474
00:38:53,760 --> 00:38:59,360
So I grew up with one person I felt that level of safety with.
475
00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:04,480
And then not until my current husband.
476
00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:08,160
Right. Do I feel that safety?
477
00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:14,160
But when I look at people who have families and brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and they're all close and connected.
478
00:39:15,360 --> 00:39:19,360
I always think you don't understand the ways in which that's impacting you.
479
00:39:19,360 --> 00:39:23,920
Because I think people like me or people who are orphans or people who go through abandonment.
480
00:39:23,920 --> 00:39:31,920
Like the experience of the world thinking you have one person or zero people or two is a lot different than the experience of the world of thinking.
481
00:39:31,920 --> 00:39:35,120
I've got 15 people that have my back.
482
00:39:35,120 --> 00:39:43,120
So I just want to like mention how much gratitude people with family should have for family because coming from a side where your family is really broken.
483
00:39:43,120 --> 00:39:45,120
Makes sense.
484
00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:50,720
Makes it hard to live life. It makes it hard to feel safe in the world.
485
00:39:50,720 --> 00:39:54,720
Yeah. And things that I took for granted.
486
00:39:54,720 --> 00:39:57,920
You know, or I'll look at the negative side.
487
00:39:57,920 --> 00:40:03,520
So growing up it was me, my brother, my cousin, Steve, my cousin, and my cousin.
488
00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:05,920
And she was the oldest of everybody.
489
00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:11,920
So she used to like play with us for a while, but then you know kind of started going her own way.
490
00:40:11,920 --> 00:40:18,720
And but my cousin Steve, my brother and me were always together.
491
00:40:18,720 --> 00:40:24,720
And I was always, I was a dude that was going to get picked on.
492
00:40:24,720 --> 00:40:34,720
So but we used to play like Spider-Man in the volcano where we would fall down the stairs at my cousin's house and then we would have to rescue each other.
493
00:40:34,720 --> 00:40:38,720
And we would just take turns being in the hanging on in the volcano.
494
00:40:38,720 --> 00:40:47,520
Then as we got older, my brother, my cousin created a game called Vulcan Wars, which I don't know where the name came from.
495
00:40:47,520 --> 00:40:57,520
But apparently the rules of the game are put on these karate pads that are just like foam that barely like it's like that thick does anything and just beat the crap out of Keith.
496
00:40:57,520 --> 00:41:03,520
Like that's apparently the whole game that we're playing.
497
00:41:03,520 --> 00:41:10,320
And even my brother, my brother once he's evil, man.
498
00:41:10,320 --> 00:41:12,320
Like psychopath evil.
499
00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:17,120
So he he would come out Saturday morning.
500
00:41:17,120 --> 00:41:23,120
I'm watching three stooges and I get in the zone when the stooges around like I can't be disturbed.
501
00:41:23,120 --> 00:41:27,120
So he comes in the living room and he's like here, grab this knife.
502
00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:33,920
It was just a butter knife and I'm like, no, you're going to you're going to try to cut me or something.
503
00:41:33,920 --> 00:41:35,520
He's like, I'm not going to do anything.
504
00:41:35,520 --> 00:41:38,320
So I grab the knife and he walks away.
505
00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:40,520
Two minutes later comes back and grab the knife.
506
00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:42,920
So I grab the knife, he walks away.
507
00:41:42,920 --> 00:41:45,320
Does that like five times?
508
00:41:45,320 --> 00:41:45,920
Right.
509
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:49,520
Guess to the point like where he comes in, I'm just I'm not even listening to the question.
510
00:41:49,520 --> 00:41:50,920
He just comes in, holds a knife out.
511
00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:51,520
I grab it.
512
00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:52,920
He walks away.
513
00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:56,920
What I didn't know about the game was that he was just like, I'm not even listening to the question.
514
00:41:56,920 --> 00:42:07,920
I didn't know is like on the sixth time we had a gas stove and so we lit the burner, put the knife in there till it got red hot and was like, OK, he thought to himself.
515
00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:11,320
I can't tell him to touch it because he'll see how it's red.
516
00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:19,720
So he puts it under the water for like a second just to just to like dull the color comes out, holds out the knife and I touch it.
517
00:42:19,720 --> 00:42:28,320
And I just start screaming and I pull my hand and like my my thumb and my finger skin is like connected to the knife.
518
00:42:28,320 --> 00:42:31,520
Oh, he got my dad.
519
00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:34,720
I thought I was going to kill him.
520
00:42:34,720 --> 00:42:48,320
But today we look at that and we crack up and we're close and and even my cousin, Steven, he lives down in North Carolina.
521
00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:57,120
But when when he's up, we hang out, we talk, you know, I mean, not as close as we once were just because life has brought us far apart.
522
00:42:57,120 --> 00:43:02,920
But yeah, we're all close and we all still love each other and and all that it is.
523
00:43:02,920 --> 00:43:04,920
You've known each other for so long.
524
00:43:04,920 --> 00:43:10,320
Like I think that's the beauty of it is you have people in your life who know your story.
525
00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:10,920
Yeah.
526
00:43:10,920 --> 00:43:18,120
When you were eight and then you were in your 18 and then like that is a real beautiful relationship.
527
00:43:18,120 --> 00:43:25,920
Yeah. Yeah. Even to this day, whenever I see them, they start yelling at me about, oh, my scar, my scar, right?
528
00:43:25,920 --> 00:43:33,120
So when I was like 12, I had my appendix taken out.
529
00:43:33,120 --> 00:43:41,120
And for like a long time after like that hurt, I mean, they caught through the muscle, you know, all that stuff.
530
00:43:41,120 --> 00:43:47,120
And and so like, like two months later, we're like messing around or they're just beating on me or whatever.
531
00:43:47,120 --> 00:43:54,520
And and I would say like, oh, my scar, my scar, because it's hurting that and they just thought I was the biggest baby.
532
00:43:54,520 --> 00:43:58,920
And they're so and they've turned this story into like 10 years later.
533
00:43:58,920 --> 00:43:59,920
Right.
534
00:43:59,920 --> 00:44:02,120
Cross-eyed. I'm like, oh, my scar, my scar.
535
00:44:02,120 --> 00:44:05,520
So it's like a big family joke now.
536
00:44:05,520 --> 00:44:08,320
Yeah. So yeah, they know all that stuff.
537
00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:15,320
We all know all that stuff about, you know, all embarrassing things that we will never let each other live down.
538
00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:20,920
Yeah. Yeah, I've mentioned it before, but I don't think I've gone into depth about it.
539
00:44:20,920 --> 00:44:27,720
That level of family is one of my goals for my next 10, 20 years, right?
540
00:44:27,720 --> 00:44:45,120
Like my dad moved here, my sister moved here, I'm forming relationships, trying to get the rest of the people connected who are, you know, the good people in the various families that have been there throughout the years and just.
541
00:44:45,120 --> 00:44:53,520
Because I think everybody needs that and everybody needs more like love and connection and I think it would be a service to my family.
542
00:44:53,520 --> 00:45:04,520
But I also am really scared of being rejected or annoying or whatever word or judgment I have of myself for going to people like, come on, share a family calendar.
543
00:45:04,520 --> 00:45:05,720
We want to know what's going on with you.
544
00:45:05,720 --> 00:45:10,320
Like, oh, no, let's all do a family zoom and like being the one to encourage that.
545
00:45:10,320 --> 00:45:16,920
I would love to take that role and I'm also really scared to take that role in my family.
546
00:45:16,920 --> 00:45:21,920
Yeah, I can I can definitely see that.
547
00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:28,620
That's because it's like what we were talking about before, like that balance between.
548
00:45:28,620 --> 00:45:36,420
What is overstepping not wanting to and then you have you don't know somebody else is going to take it.
549
00:45:36,420 --> 00:45:41,020
You know, all that all that sort of stuff.
550
00:45:41,020 --> 00:45:44,220
Yeah, that just comes down to like just trusting.
551
00:45:44,220 --> 00:45:54,520
Yeah, but if it's my vision for my life and my family, I have the right to advocate for my desires and push that into the world.
552
00:45:54,520 --> 00:45:58,220
And if other people don't like it or it's uncomfortable.
553
00:45:58,220 --> 00:46:00,920
That's their story, right?
554
00:46:00,920 --> 00:46:05,920
But yeah, it's something that I'm sure you'll hear more about.
555
00:46:05,920 --> 00:46:14,220
As the show goes on and because it is part of my journey that I'd like to move forward in and I'm scared about.
556
00:46:14,220 --> 00:46:16,220
Yeah, yeah.
557
00:46:16,220 --> 00:46:18,020
Yeah.
558
00:46:18,020 --> 00:46:24,720
Because that I mean, in something like that, if somebody doesn't want to be at that level, there's going to be a feeling of rejection.
559
00:46:24,720 --> 00:46:28,620
There's going to be grief to go through.
560
00:46:28,620 --> 00:46:31,620
Yeah, like all of that stuff.
561
00:46:31,620 --> 00:46:39,220
And that that comes down to like those base fears that we have that were were not enough and won't be loved.
562
00:46:39,220 --> 00:46:41,020
Yeah.
563
00:46:41,020 --> 00:46:51,420
I think for me, it will take that bigger, bigger place of scene where somebody says like, I'm too busy for this.
564
00:46:51,420 --> 00:46:54,320
I don't want this level of connection.
565
00:46:54,320 --> 00:46:56,820
It's like, oh, OK, that's fine.
566
00:46:56,820 --> 00:46:58,820
I see your life story and it's OK.
567
00:46:58,820 --> 00:47:09,120
And if some people say, yes, it's my job to take the actions that my heart wants me to take.
568
00:47:09,120 --> 00:47:10,620
Yeah.
569
00:47:10,620 --> 00:47:16,820
And I think that's that's such a great example, too, of being structured and in that flow.
570
00:47:16,820 --> 00:47:27,120
You know, so having the structure of following your heart, what the vision of the life that you want, but also being in the flow of accepting.
571
00:47:27,120 --> 00:47:33,920
No matter how hard it will be, what somebody else's beliefs or wishes are for themselves.
572
00:47:33,920 --> 00:47:35,120
Yeah.
573
00:47:35,120 --> 00:47:43,120
Yeah, accepting that ultimately I have no control over what the end picture looks like.
574
00:47:43,120 --> 00:47:51,720
But that that can't change my level of enthusiasm for seeking out an experience I want.
575
00:47:51,720 --> 00:47:54,220
Yeah.
576
00:47:54,220 --> 00:48:05,820
And even with that same level of enthusiasm doesn't mean that there'll be days that you don't feel the the pain or the anxiety of what's coming or if somebody doesn't want to be a part of it.
577
00:48:05,820 --> 00:48:09,420
You know, it's accepting that that's going to be a part of it.
578
00:48:09,420 --> 00:48:14,320
And that's one of the things I'm really starting to see is that.
579
00:48:14,320 --> 00:48:21,320
We have been taught that the negative side of our emotional spectrum.
580
00:48:21,320 --> 00:48:23,020
Is wrong.
581
00:48:23,020 --> 00:48:24,320
Yes.
582
00:48:24,320 --> 00:48:29,520
And it's not, you know, it's not something to be afraid of.
583
00:48:29,520 --> 00:48:32,520
And it doesn't mean that it's good to go through.
584
00:48:32,520 --> 00:48:33,920
It doesn't mean it feels good.
585
00:48:33,920 --> 00:48:37,120
It's supposed to feel bad.
586
00:48:37,120 --> 00:48:41,520
You know, but we're going to choose what world we live in.
587
00:48:41,520 --> 00:48:44,120
You know, are we going to live on the positive side?
588
00:48:44,120 --> 00:48:48,020
And that doesn't mean like the rainbows and unicorns everywhere.
589
00:48:48,020 --> 00:48:52,320
Like, oh, it's just in a car accident or, you know, Sandy's now a paraplegic and be like, well,
590
00:48:52,320 --> 00:48:59,920
looking on the bright side, you know, she won't be as active, you know, like whatever.
591
00:48:59,920 --> 00:49:04,120
It's it's just dealing with it and feeling what you're going to feel.
592
00:49:04,120 --> 00:49:05,220
Yes.
593
00:49:05,220 --> 00:49:07,020
But moving through that.
594
00:49:07,020 --> 00:49:07,820
Yeah.
595
00:49:07,820 --> 00:49:18,720
And I feel like when your heart gives you a desire, like, you know, everybody's probably got a handful of them, like those really deep ones that you don't even want to tell anybody because it's like so precious to you.
596
00:49:18,720 --> 00:49:21,220
Like you want to be.
597
00:49:21,220 --> 00:49:29,720
When when your heart gives you that desire, the path to that desire is, I don't know, 50% challenges, 50% love, like increase joy.
598
00:49:29,720 --> 00:49:36,620
And like you need to be carved out into the person that is creating that and calling that into your life.
599
00:49:36,620 --> 00:49:47,320
So like with this one, I think all the grief about people who don't want to participate or maybe a past truth I have to face about my relationship with someone.
600
00:49:47,320 --> 00:49:57,720
All the negative feelings are going to be the ones carving me out so that I can accept more of this love and more of the connection and more of everything I want.
601
00:49:57,720 --> 00:50:01,020
Like they're working together for me.
602
00:50:01,020 --> 00:50:09,820
Right. And I think that's how we have to see sort of personal growth is it's challenging like the challenges are part of it.
603
00:50:09,820 --> 00:50:18,020
So if you're on the journey, you have to start to like the challenges and have some relationship with them, right?
604
00:50:18,020 --> 00:50:24,420
And not let them stop you realize how they are.
605
00:50:24,420 --> 00:50:30,320
Yeah, that's that's an understanding I think we have to get to is what what the because everybody says do the work.
606
00:50:30,320 --> 00:50:32,120
You know, and it's like become cliche.
607
00:50:32,120 --> 00:50:34,020
Okay, but what the hell is the word?
608
00:50:34,020 --> 00:50:35,320
Totally.
609
00:50:35,320 --> 00:50:39,120
Every time I hear that, I think that like that's not.
610
00:50:39,120 --> 00:50:41,320
People don't know what the work is.
611
00:50:41,320 --> 00:50:42,320
Yeah.
612
00:50:42,320 --> 00:50:48,420
Yeah, I know I know a person that like he always says like take action steps.
613
00:50:48,420 --> 00:50:49,320
Right.
614
00:50:49,320 --> 00:50:52,020
So whatever you whatever you say like I want to go to school.
615
00:50:52,020 --> 00:50:52,520
That's great.
616
00:50:52,520 --> 00:50:55,320
Now take some action like what what the hell are action steps?
617
00:50:55,320 --> 00:51:04,520
Oh, what steps like but with for me like I'm starting to see like that work is not number one.
618
00:51:04,520 --> 00:51:24,020
Awareness is is I think that the biggest thing to celebrate because when you become aware what that first time that you see that habit that pattern, whether it's you know, behavior or whatever it is that a belief system that that is not good for you.
619
00:51:24,020 --> 00:51:31,220
Becoming aware of it is the greatest thing because now you can start doing the work.
620
00:51:31,220 --> 00:51:41,920
You know, and and it's just I think challenging those thoughts like when the thoughts come up and there's sometimes thoughts come into my brain that are so overwhelming.
621
00:51:41,920 --> 00:51:44,020
I can't shut them off.
622
00:51:44,020 --> 00:51:44,220
Yep.
623
00:51:44,220 --> 00:51:50,520
Those truths of thoughts, but most of them nine times out of 10.
624
00:51:50,520 --> 00:51:57,020
It's just focusing on something else not fighting against those thoughts focusing on something else.
625
00:51:57,020 --> 00:52:04,720
You know, like when I worked on my anger, I didn't go out and practice being, you know, peaceful.
626
00:52:04,720 --> 00:52:08,020
Well, I mean, yeah, but I had to get pissed.
627
00:52:08,020 --> 00:52:08,820
Right.
628
00:52:08,820 --> 00:52:18,220
You know, so I was challenging myself in that anger instead of working on being like at peace or calm when I'm already calm.
629
00:52:18,220 --> 00:52:20,620
It's really easy to do that.
630
00:52:20,620 --> 00:52:21,120
Yes.
631
00:52:21,120 --> 00:52:40,620
No, and that's that's the work it's those microscopic steps that we take building new pathways in our brain so that a different behavior begin to emerge and welcoming the discomfort or challenge that is part of that process.
632
00:52:40,620 --> 00:52:40,820
Right.
633
00:52:40,820 --> 00:52:44,520
Like you said, I had to be in an angry situation.
634
00:52:44,520 --> 00:52:47,720
It had to be carving you out for the peace to arise.
635
00:52:47,720 --> 00:52:49,920
They work together.
636
00:52:49,920 --> 00:53:01,420
And so I think that's where it comes in is being more interested in knowing who you are and like your growth.
637
00:53:01,420 --> 00:53:06,020
And that curiosity can drive you.
638
00:53:06,020 --> 00:53:07,220
Yeah.
639
00:53:07,220 --> 00:53:14,720
And it's not going to be this like uphill line of growth and progress.
640
00:53:14,720 --> 00:53:30,920
It is going to be up a couple of steps, a major crash, even lower back up a little bit, a major crash, you know, and then it just do the waves get smaller and smaller until you start to, you know, barely they're still all going to be there.
641
00:53:30,920 --> 00:53:36,920
But it's like that, that very easy, slow, very calm ocean movement, you know.
642
00:53:36,920 --> 00:53:38,020
Yeah.
643
00:53:38,020 --> 00:53:38,620
Yeah.
644
00:53:38,620 --> 00:53:43,520
It's the work is almost like.
645
00:53:43,520 --> 00:53:45,720
Invisible, you know what I mean?
646
00:53:45,720 --> 00:53:46,420
Yes.
647
00:53:46,420 --> 00:53:47,520
Yeah.
648
00:53:47,520 --> 00:53:55,020
And I think there's like a bigger mystery of it because the woman I am today.
649
00:53:55,020 --> 00:53:58,220
I never could have even imagined this person.
650
00:53:58,220 --> 00:54:00,620
I didn't send.
651
00:54:00,620 --> 00:54:09,720
And I'm so surprised as I allow myself to be myself and then witness myself to get to know myself.
652
00:54:09,720 --> 00:54:11,020
All right.
653
00:54:11,020 --> 00:54:16,520
Who I'm becoming and I think the woman I'm going to be in 10 years.
654
00:54:16,520 --> 00:54:19,220
I can't even imagine her.
655
00:54:19,220 --> 00:54:19,720
Right.
656
00:54:19,720 --> 00:54:27,120
I just do keep doing this work in the moment and something so incredible is going to bloom.
657
00:54:27,120 --> 00:54:34,320
And that to me always makes me feel a little bit more like safety about the process and the work in the future is.
658
00:54:34,320 --> 00:54:47,920
I don't know, but man, it sure has gotten better and better and better the more that I've done this work and known who I am and loved myself and the more connected I live.
659
00:54:47,920 --> 00:54:49,620
Yeah.
660
00:54:49,620 --> 00:54:50,320
It's a thing, man.
661
00:54:50,320 --> 00:54:52,420
Like.
662
00:54:52,420 --> 00:54:56,420
And I'm not saying life can't get hard, but.
663
00:54:56,420 --> 00:54:59,020
We don't need a safety net.
664
00:54:59,020 --> 00:54:59,920
Yeah.
665
00:54:59,920 --> 00:55:08,120
You know, like even even like when I was talking about like standing over a void where you don't see what you're standing on and you you know.
666
00:55:08,120 --> 00:55:11,220
The void is an illusion.
667
00:55:11,220 --> 00:55:11,720
Yeah.
668
00:55:11,720 --> 00:55:20,420
Oh, like whatever you want to call it God consciousness, the universe, like whatever it is like.
669
00:55:20,420 --> 00:55:22,920
Something out there's got us.
670
00:55:22,920 --> 00:55:27,120
You know, and it doesn't because we're part of something so much bigger.
671
00:55:27,120 --> 00:55:35,720
And it doesn't like I said, it doesn't mean that bad things aren't going to happen in life, but it just means that everything's going to be okay.
672
00:55:35,720 --> 00:55:38,220
Yeah.
673
00:55:38,220 --> 00:55:41,120
I think that's such a beautiful place to end.
674
00:55:41,120 --> 00:55:43,820
Everything's going to be okay.
675
00:55:43,820 --> 00:55:45,220
That was perfect.
676
00:55:45,220 --> 00:55:51,320
It's like just been an hour.
677
00:55:51,320 --> 00:55:52,720
I love it.
678
00:55:52,720 --> 00:55:56,120
Yeah, I loved that discussion.
679
00:55:56,120 --> 00:55:57,120
Thank you.
680
00:55:57,120 --> 00:55:58,120
That was good.
681
00:55:58,120 --> 00:55:59,120
Yeah, that was cool.
682
00:55:59,120 --> 00:56:00,120
Yeah.
683
00:56:00,120 --> 00:56:02,120
Thank you everybody for joining us.
684
00:56:02,120 --> 00:56:04,720
We will see you next week.
685
00:56:04,720 --> 00:56:08,420
Thank you so much for joining us.
686
00:56:08,420 --> 00:56:13,520
We are so grateful for all of our listeners.
687
00:56:13,520 --> 00:56:16,920
Please support us in doing what we love.
688
00:56:16,920 --> 00:56:20,820
It's as simple as hitting that like or subscribe button.
689
00:56:20,820 --> 00:56:23,020
It would really mean a lot to us.
690
00:56:23,020 --> 00:56:23,820
Thanks guys.
691
00:56:23,820 --> 00:56:26,520
And we'll see you next week.