WEBVTT
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What happens when you're the one everyone counts on?
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The dependable one.
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Think about a problem somebody brought to you recently.
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Maybe something broke at home, maybe a person you love needed help, maybe something went wrong at work, and you were the one everybody looked to to figure it out.
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If you're good at handling those moments, you probably know the satisfaction of being able to say, I can take care of that.
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But have you noticed how quickly that can turn into, I have to take care of this?
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I'm expected to take care of this?
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Those sentences sound close, but they feel very different on the inside.
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I'm Jason Llewellyn, and this is Chaotic Peace.
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Finding peace in the process.
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Even when there's an opportunity to stop, we can spend the whole time thinking about what we should be doing instead.
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Today I want to look at the other side of the coin.
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What happens when being capable and dependable becomes our identity, who we have to be.
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I want to start by saying there's nothing wrong with being the person everyone comes to for solutions.
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I like being a problem solver.
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If you come to me with a problem you think has no solution, I can probably give you six possibilities.
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Now, some may be unlikely, but that's part of my process.
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I don't discard them too soon, because an unlikely idea might have one useful piece that helps us build a real answer.
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In my legal work, I needed to understand a client's business before I could help develop a contract or a model for it.
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In litigation, I might have to learn enough about medicine, engineering, real estate, whatever the topic, in order to be able to question an expert or recognize a weakness in an argument.
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I enjoyed that part.
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I've always had a curious mind, and I love learning new things.
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That curiosity and the willingness to learn have served me pretty well over the years.
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This pattern started pretty early in life, though.
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Growing up, my father taught me how to be resourceful.
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He taught me skills like construction and plumbing, electrical work, mechanics, gardening, you name it, if there was a problem at the house we didn't usually call a guy, we were the guy.
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I'm pretty grateful for that.
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There's pride in knowing how to solve a problem for yourself or somebody else.
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And there should be.
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Not to mention I've probably saved thousands of dollars over the years by being able to fix problems on my own.
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And I know many of you have your own version of this.
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Maybe you're the person who can organize a team through a crisis.
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Maybe you keep a household running.
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Maybe friends call you because you actually listen and help them think through what to do next.
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The ability is good.
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What I want to examine is the moment ability turns into a sense of obligation.
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Now hear me in this.
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I don't think the answer is to become less able.
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That is the opposite of my outlook.
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Become the best possible version of yourself.
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Don't ever stop being curious or stop caring.
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Don't ever pretend a skill you worked hard to develop has suddenly become a problem.
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If something needs to be done and you know how to do it, that's a gift.
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It creates options.
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The question is whether you can continue to see things in terms of options or has it twisted into just one acceptable way of being.
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Let's play with an example for a sec.
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I can fix a plumbing problem at my house.
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But let's say this week I don't have the time to do it.
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There's work to finish, people to see, and five or six other things that need my attention.
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I could bring in somebody who does that work every day and have it handled in a fraction of the time I could do it.
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And yet I might feel guilty paying somebody else to do something I know how to do.
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What's that guilt telling me?
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Is money tight enough that doing it myself really is the best choice?
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Am I looking forward to working on it?
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Or is some part of me saying a person like me should be able to handle this himself?
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Am I hearing my dad's voice in my head saying you can take care of that, and instead I hear you should take care of it?
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That last one isn't really an assessment of the plumbing problem.
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It's a judgment about me.
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Pride can help us develop a skill.
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It can also make it hard to say I need help.
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I don't know, or I know, but this isn't the best use of my time right now.
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Those feelings aren't proof that we should put the tool down.
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They're a reason to look at why we're picking it up in the first place.
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You may recognize a version of that at work.
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You handle the difficult assignment.
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You do it well.
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The next difficult assignment comes to you too.
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After a while, people know that if they hand you a mess, you'll probably find a way through it.
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And sometimes there's appreciation and support.
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Sometimes there's very little credit.
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Maybe you keep taking it on because you believe the work matters.
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Or maybe you're hoping that one day it'll pay off.
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Maybe both are true.
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And you may begin to resent how much people expect from you, even as you feel guilty about the idea of letting something go undone.
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Or think about the friend who makes the plans and checks on everybody, the relative who steps in whenever anyone is in trouble, the partner who remembers all the appointments, notices when things are tense, and makes sure the house keeps moving.
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Or is that you two?
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Sometimes it isn't even an intentional thing.
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It's just as simple as a pattern that developed.
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You took care of something, people learned that they could count on you, and over time, the pattern began to feel permanent.
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Other people's expectations can be real.
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After enough times of being the one who handles it, you may find that people no longer notice the effort.
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They bring you the next problem before you've recovered from the last one.
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Some become demanding or even ungrateful.
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You may feel taken for granted, resentful, and still guilty about the thought of letting them down.
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That burden is real, and it's worth seeing accurately.
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But I want to be equally honest about the part I play.
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If I've repeatedly stepped in, even before anyone asked, it makes sense that people come to me.
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I've helped create the environment in which they expect me to handle things.
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That doesn't excuse somebody from taking me for granted.
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It does mean I shouldn't describe myself as the victim completely.
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See, I need to recognize the role of my own decisions.
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When the pressure is coming from somebody else, we need to recognize that.
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A supervisor may actually be assigning too much work.
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A family member may be demanding help without regard for what it cost.
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Those situations may call for a conversation, a change in how the work is shared, or a decision about what we're willing to take on.
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But sometimes we're reacting to a demand that nobody made.
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No one told me I couldn't call the plumber.
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No one said I had to solve the problem for my friend.
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I pictured what they would think if I didn't, and I treated my own judgment as though it came from them.
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Sometimes both kinds of pressure are present.
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Someone asked too much and an old belief inside me makes it harder to consider another answer.
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I think it's important to tell the difference.
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If the expectation is external, addressing only my thoughts won't change what the other person is doing.
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If the expectation is internal, blaming everybody else may leave the real rule untouched.
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So I want to ask, who's actually saying have to here?
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That question can be uncomfortable.
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Sometimes it would be easier to have a clear villain.
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If everyone else is forcing me to carry this, then I don't have to look at how much of my identity is invested in carrying it.
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If everything is in my head, I don't have to confront someone else as if they were asking too much.
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Neither shortcut helps.
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I can acknowledge somebody else's part without giving away my own.
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I can acknowledge my own part without excusing theirs.
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I may need both kinds of honesty before I know what to do next.
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Now let's change this up a little bit and put it inside of a parent's life, where the needs don't politely wait for a more convenient time.
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Think of a single mother working long hours, taking care of her children, losing sleep, and trying to hold things together.
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She may not ask their father for help.
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There might be good reasons for that.
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Help may be unreliable, unavailable, or even unsafe.
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I'm not going to assume that there's an easy request she simply hasn't thought to make.
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But imagine how much she carries and then how guilty she feels for not being able to do more.
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Her children need something that she couldn't provide that day.
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She also needed sleep, a doctor's appointment, a moment to herself, it may seem to her that even considering those needs would be selfish.
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Think also of a father working overtime.
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He takes the shift to provide for his children, then comes home exhausted and in pain.
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They want his time, and he wants theirs.
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The extra money matters, and so does the game or the conversation that he missed.
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He may feel that no matter which need he meets, another is going unattended.
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Neither parent needs somebody casually telling them that they have options.
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They know the cost of the situation better than anyone observing it from the outside.
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But perhaps one of them has come to believe that being a good parent means their own needs don't count at all.
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That's a belief worth examining, even if this week's practical decision stays exactly the same.
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Okay, so I used the word selfish a minute ago.
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This is a word we use a little too quickly.
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When I talk about selfishness, what I mean is choosing my own interest while disregarding somebody else's real need or causing them direct harm.
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I don't mean merely acknowledging that I have interest of my own.
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My needs belong in the decision.
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That doesn't always mean that they're gonna come first.
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There's a difference between looking after yourself and treating everybody else as an obstacle to what you want.
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There are also choices that cost somebody something without directly harming them.
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If I can't make every game, my child would be very disappointed.
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That feeling matters, and I want to hear it, but I still have to consider why I missed it, what I was providing, and whether another arrangement is possible next time.
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I can't resolve the question by labeling either work or the game selfish.
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I can consider how tired I am, how much time I need with the children, what the bills require, and what happens if I miss a shift.
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I might still choose the overtime.
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I might decide that that's the right sacrifice for today.
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But if I begin by declaring any thought of my own needs selfish, I haven't really weighed the decision.
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I've removed one of the people affected by it, and I may lose sight of why I choose the sacrifice in the first place.
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You can do the same loving thing with two very different experiences of it.
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I'm choosing this because caring for my family matters to me, or I have no choice and wanting anything different makes me a bad parent.
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The work may be identical.
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The second story can make it feel like a burden imposed by who you are.
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Sometimes we say obligated when what we really mean is committed, and commitment matters.
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A client expects me to be there at the appointed time.
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My family needs to know that they can count on me.
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I don't want to use the language of choice to pretend a promise has no weight.
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But the fact that a commitment has weight doesn't mean I had no part in making it, or that every future request is automatically part of it.
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The words I have to can hide a whole decision we've already made.
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I have to work the shift might mean I choose this shift because the alternative would put my family's financial stability at risk.
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I have to help my father this weekend might mean I choose to be there because he's been there for me, and this matters to the relationship I want with him.
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Sometimes I may look at the cost and say, I wouldn't choose it again in this form.
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And see, that's useful information too.
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The point isn't to rename every hard thing until it feels easy.
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It won't.
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It's to be honest about what is coming from outside of us, what we're asking of ourselves, and what we still have room to decide.
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When I teach about the need for freedom and independence in reality therapy, I sometimes use a deliberately extreme example.
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So I have the freedom to get in my car and drive to California right now.
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I could just get in and go.
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But my family might worry if I just disappeared without telling anybody.
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My clients would show up tomorrow and I wouldn't be there.
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I might lose my job or do lasting harm to relationships that really matter to me.
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I haven't said if I have enough money in the account, enough gas in the tank, or a place to stay once I get there.
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So yeah, I have the freedom to do it.
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Should I?
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Probably not.
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My freedom matters.
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So do my family's peace of mind, the income I rely on, the people counting on me tomorrow.
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I can consider all of that and decide to stay.
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Staying can be a choice that I make because I value those things more.
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And there may still be a part of me that wishes I could go.
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Making the right decision doesn't erase every regret about what I missed.
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We can't be in two places at once no matter how much we care about both places.
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That's one reason I don't want choice to sound like a promise that we can arrange life so that nobody ever misses anything.
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We may freely choose the best available option and still feel the loss of the other one.
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I can value being at home and value the work that supports my home.
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One doesn't cancel the other one out.
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Some of the ache comes from caring about both.
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That father working overtime might say I have no choice.
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Technically, he does.
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He could quit his job.
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He could call in sick.
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Those options may carry consequences he's quite reasonably unwilling to accept.
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What he may mean is I haven't found another choice that I think is right for my family.
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But once he allows himself to consider even ridiculous options, he might notice a smaller possibility.
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Could he ask to shift his hours so that he could attend the child's game and work at a different time?
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Could he trade a shift?
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Could he talk with the family about whether this particular expense matters more than the time together?
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Maybe none of it works.
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The employer may say no.
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The bills may leave no room, he may still miss the game and regret it.
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That regret doesn't prove he made the wrong choice.
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It may tell us he was choosing between two things he really valued and couldn't have both.
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And sometimes considering the alternatives changes the plan.
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There may be a solution he couldn't see while he was saying I have no choice.
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See, I'm willing to explore six ways through a problem for somebody else.
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A few of them may be improbable, but they can point towards a seventh that works.
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What happens if we offer that same curiosity to our own lives?
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Let's come back to my plumbing problem for a minute.
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I might choose to fix it myself.
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It saves money our family could use for something more enjoyable later on.
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Maybe I want to teach my child what my father taught me.
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Maybe I simply enjoy the work.
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Or I might hire the expert.
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They can finish in two hours and I can use my time on the other five things that need me, or on the people I keep saying are my priority, or maybe just a rest.
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Neither answer is automatically the more responsible one.
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I need to look at the money, the time, the relationships, and the life that I want, those things to serve.
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The same goes for the friend who always helps, the partner who always organizes, and the employee who always takes the hardest task.
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There's no universal instruction to say yes or no.
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Ask whether the choice still fits your values.
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Ask what it adds to your life, and to the lives of the people that you care about.
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Ask what it costs, and whether there's another way to meet that need.
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And if you still choose to do the difficult thing, let it be a choice you can name.
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This matters to me and I'm willing to carry the cost.
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Now that doesn't make the cost disappear, but it may feel lighter than carrying it under the belief that you were never allowed to consider anything else.
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Sometimes the decision is for somebody else.
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Sometimes it's for yourself.
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Often it serves both.
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Fixing the pipe myself could satisfy my pride, save money for my family, and give me time with a child who wants to learn.
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Hiring the expert could protect my energy, help the household function sooner, and free me up to keep another commitment.
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It's worth being specific about who benefits and who bears the cost.
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Instead of just assuming the choice for myself must be against somebody else.
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When our values are part of the decision, we can also tell when the decision needs to change.
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A shift that made sense during a hard financial month may not make sense forever.
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A role I gladly took on when a friend was in crisis doesn't automatically become my permanent assignment.
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I can continue to care while asking what care should look like now.
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I also don't want to pretend that recognizing it as a choice makes changing the pattern comfortable.
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If you're known as the person who can handle anything, doing less may feel out of character even if no one complains.
00:20:57.680 --> 00:21:04.640
You may feel selfish, weak, or disloyal before you've actually harmed anyone.
00:21:05.440 --> 00:21:07.920
Others may be surprised too.
00:21:08.160 --> 00:21:12.799
They've learned how the relationship works from all the times you've stepped in.
00:21:13.039 --> 00:21:15.200
Their disappointment is real.
00:21:15.920 --> 00:21:20.559
But it doesn't by itself tell you whether a new decision is wrong.
00:21:20.799 --> 00:21:25.680
And sometimes you'll look closely and decide to keep doing what you've always done.
00:21:25.920 --> 00:21:31.039
You want to be that parent, that partner, that professional, that friend.
00:21:31.599 --> 00:21:34.880
There's dignity in choosing to show up.
00:21:35.279 --> 00:21:43.119
I want us to be able to say that without silently adding and therefore I must do it every time, no matter the cost.
00:21:43.839 --> 00:21:46.720
Being dependable can remain a value.
00:21:46.960 --> 00:21:52.880
It doesn't have to become a rule that makes every other need in your life disappear.
00:21:53.200 --> 00:21:59.440
I think that distinction matters, especially for someone who's proud of their dependability.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:06.880
If you hear all of this as an instruction to withdraw from people who need you, you might reject it.
00:22:07.119 --> 00:22:08.960
And I would understand why.
00:22:09.200 --> 00:22:10.799
I probably would too.
00:22:11.039 --> 00:22:12.799
That's not what I'm asking.
00:22:12.960 --> 00:22:20.319
I'm asking you to notice that a valued part of your character has become the only part you're allowed to consult.
00:22:20.960 --> 00:22:23.680
You may keep showing up in the same way.
00:22:23.920 --> 00:22:28.079
You may ask for help, you may find a new way to show up.
00:22:28.319 --> 00:22:37.680
What matters is that you're bringing yourself into the decision that you recognize the choice and choose intentionally?
00:22:39.680 --> 00:22:41.759
What is it I want to leave you with?
00:22:42.079 --> 00:22:45.759
What is it I want you thinking about until the next time?
00:22:46.079 --> 00:22:48.960
Think about a responsibility you carried this week.
00:22:49.200 --> 00:22:52.160
It might be one you chose with love.
00:22:52.720 --> 00:22:55.119
It might be one you resented.
00:22:55.359 --> 00:22:56.880
It might be both.
00:22:57.200 --> 00:23:00.400
Where did the expectation actually come from?
00:23:00.880 --> 00:23:05.599
What did you tell yourself it would mean if you did something else?
00:23:05.920 --> 00:23:12.480
If you considered the needs involved, including your own, would you make the same choice again?
00:23:12.720 --> 00:23:13.759
Maybe you would.
00:23:14.000 --> 00:23:19.359
Maybe you would make it willingly, even knowing what it cost and what you'll miss.
00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:31.599
And maybe there's another choice you haven't seen yet, a request you could make, a different way to share the work, a way to use your ability that leaves room for the rest of your life.
00:23:31.920 --> 00:23:36.799
So, what choice have you been calling an obligation?
00:23:37.200 --> 00:23:39.599
Would you choose it again intentionally?
00:23:39.839 --> 00:23:43.759
And if not, what else might be possible?
00:00:00.880 --> 00:00:04.320
What happens when you're the one everyone counts on?
00:00:04.639 --> 00:00:06.160
The dependable one.
00:00:06.480 --> 00:00:09.119
Think about a problem somebody brought to you recently.
00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:19.120
Maybe something broke at home, maybe a person you love needed help, maybe something went wrong at work, and you were the one everybody looked to to figure it out.
00:00:19.600 --> 00:00:25.760
If you're good at handling those moments, you probably know the satisfaction of being able to say, I can take care of that.
00:00:26.000 --> 00:00:30.960
But have you noticed how quickly that can turn into, I have to take care of this?
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I'm expected to take care of this?
00:00:35.039 --> 00:00:40.000
Those sentences sound close, but they feel very different on the inside.
00:00:40.479 --> 00:00:43.600
I'm Jason Llewellyn, and this is Chaotic Peace.
00:00:43.759 --> 00:00:45.759
Finding peace in the process.
00:00:58.719 --> 00:01:05.040
Even when there's an opportunity to stop, we can spend the whole time thinking about what we should be doing instead.
00:01:05.280 --> 00:01:08.159
Today I want to look at the other side of the coin.
00:01:08.400 --> 00:01:15.439
What happens when being capable and dependable becomes our identity, who we have to be.
00:01:16.000 --> 00:01:20.640
I want to start by saying there's nothing wrong with being the person everyone comes to for solutions.
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I like being a problem solver.
00:01:22.959 --> 00:01:28.719
If you come to me with a problem you think has no solution, I can probably give you six possibilities.
00:01:28.879 --> 00:01:32.879
Now, some may be unlikely, but that's part of my process.
00:01:33.120 --> 00:01:42.400
I don't discard them too soon, because an unlikely idea might have one useful piece that helps us build a real answer.
00:01:42.879 --> 00:01:49.439
In my legal work, I needed to understand a client's business before I could help develop a contract or a model for it.
00:01:49.680 --> 00:02:01.439
In litigation, I might have to learn enough about medicine, engineering, real estate, whatever the topic, in order to be able to question an expert or recognize a weakness in an argument.
00:02:01.680 --> 00:02:03.280
I enjoyed that part.
00:02:03.680 --> 00:02:07.200
I've always had a curious mind, and I love learning new things.
00:02:07.359 --> 00:02:11.919
That curiosity and the willingness to learn have served me pretty well over the years.
00:02:12.240 --> 00:02:15.439
This pattern started pretty early in life, though.
00:02:15.680 --> 00:02:19.360
Growing up, my father taught me how to be resourceful.
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He taught me skills like construction and plumbing, electrical work, mechanics, gardening, you name it, if there was a problem at the house we didn't usually call a guy, we were the guy.
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I'm pretty grateful for that.
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There's pride in knowing how to solve a problem for yourself or somebody else.
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And there should be.
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Not to mention I've probably saved thousands of dollars over the years by being able to fix problems on my own.
00:02:44.080 --> 00:02:47.759
And I know many of you have your own version of this.
00:02:48.000 --> 00:02:51.439
Maybe you're the person who can organize a team through a crisis.
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Maybe you keep a household running.
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Maybe friends call you because you actually listen and help them think through what to do next.
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The ability is good.
00:03:01.840 --> 00:03:08.400
What I want to examine is the moment ability turns into a sense of obligation.
00:03:09.199 --> 00:03:10.560
Now hear me in this.
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I don't think the answer is to become less able.
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That is the opposite of my outlook.
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Become the best possible version of yourself.
00:03:19.840 --> 00:03:22.879
Don't ever stop being curious or stop caring.
00:03:23.120 --> 00:03:28.479
Don't ever pretend a skill you worked hard to develop has suddenly become a problem.
00:03:28.879 --> 00:03:33.520
If something needs to be done and you know how to do it, that's a gift.
00:03:33.840 --> 00:03:35.439
It creates options.
00:03:36.240 --> 00:03:46.319
The question is whether you can continue to see things in terms of options or has it twisted into just one acceptable way of being.
00:03:47.199 --> 00:03:49.759
Let's play with an example for a sec.
00:03:50.000 --> 00:03:52.400
I can fix a plumbing problem at my house.
00:03:52.560 --> 00:03:55.599
But let's say this week I don't have the time to do it.
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There's work to finish, people to see, and five or six other things that need my attention.
00:04:01.039 --> 00:04:07.759
I could bring in somebody who does that work every day and have it handled in a fraction of the time I could do it.
00:04:08.000 --> 00:04:14.080
And yet I might feel guilty paying somebody else to do something I know how to do.
00:04:14.800 --> 00:04:16.800
What's that guilt telling me?
00:04:17.120 --> 00:04:21.680
Is money tight enough that doing it myself really is the best choice?
00:04:22.079 --> 00:04:24.959
Am I looking forward to working on it?
00:04:25.279 --> 00:04:30.800
Or is some part of me saying a person like me should be able to handle this himself?
00:04:31.199 --> 00:04:39.920
Am I hearing my dad's voice in my head saying you can take care of that, and instead I hear you should take care of it?
00:04:40.879 --> 00:04:44.319
That last one isn't really an assessment of the plumbing problem.
00:04:44.560 --> 00:04:46.399
It's a judgment about me.
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Pride can help us develop a skill.
00:04:50.240 --> 00:04:54.000
It can also make it hard to say I need help.
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I don't know, or I know, but this isn't the best use of my time right now.
00:05:01.680 --> 00:05:05.439
Those feelings aren't proof that we should put the tool down.
00:05:05.759 --> 00:05:09.839
They're a reason to look at why we're picking it up in the first place.
00:05:10.879 --> 00:05:13.439
You may recognize a version of that at work.
00:05:13.600 --> 00:05:15.519
You handle the difficult assignment.
00:05:15.680 --> 00:05:16.560
You do it well.
00:05:16.879 --> 00:05:19.600
The next difficult assignment comes to you too.
00:05:19.839 --> 00:05:26.160
After a while, people know that if they hand you a mess, you'll probably find a way through it.
00:05:26.399 --> 00:05:29.439
And sometimes there's appreciation and support.
00:05:29.680 --> 00:05:31.839
Sometimes there's very little credit.
00:05:32.079 --> 00:05:36.560
Maybe you keep taking it on because you believe the work matters.
00:05:36.879 --> 00:05:40.560
Or maybe you're hoping that one day it'll pay off.
00:05:40.800 --> 00:05:42.639
Maybe both are true.
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And you may begin to resent how much people expect from you, even as you feel guilty about the idea of letting something go undone.
00:05:52.879 --> 00:06:08.959
Or think about the friend who makes the plans and checks on everybody, the relative who steps in whenever anyone is in trouble, the partner who remembers all the appointments, notices when things are tense, and makes sure the house keeps moving.
00:06:09.199 --> 00:06:10.480
Or is that you two?
00:06:11.199 --> 00:06:14.959
Sometimes it isn't even an intentional thing.
00:06:15.279 --> 00:06:18.319
It's just as simple as a pattern that developed.
00:06:18.560 --> 00:06:26.240
You took care of something, people learned that they could count on you, and over time, the pattern began to feel permanent.
00:06:26.560 --> 00:06:29.199
Other people's expectations can be real.
00:06:29.439 --> 00:06:35.600
After enough times of being the one who handles it, you may find that people no longer notice the effort.
00:06:35.839 --> 00:06:39.920
They bring you the next problem before you've recovered from the last one.
00:06:40.160 --> 00:06:42.800
Some become demanding or even ungrateful.
00:06:43.040 --> 00:06:49.759
You may feel taken for granted, resentful, and still guilty about the thought of letting them down.
00:06:50.079 --> 00:06:54.720
That burden is real, and it's worth seeing accurately.
00:06:55.439 --> 00:06:58.879
But I want to be equally honest about the part I play.
00:06:59.199 --> 00:07:06.240
If I've repeatedly stepped in, even before anyone asked, it makes sense that people come to me.
00:07:06.639 --> 00:07:11.199
I've helped create the environment in which they expect me to handle things.
00:07:11.439 --> 00:07:15.040
That doesn't excuse somebody from taking me for granted.
00:07:15.360 --> 00:07:19.839
It does mean I shouldn't describe myself as the victim completely.
00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:24.319
See, I need to recognize the role of my own decisions.
00:07:24.879 --> 00:07:29.120
When the pressure is coming from somebody else, we need to recognize that.
00:07:29.360 --> 00:07:33.120
A supervisor may actually be assigning too much work.
00:07:33.360 --> 00:07:37.680
A family member may be demanding help without regard for what it cost.
00:07:38.319 --> 00:07:47.519
Those situations may call for a conversation, a change in how the work is shared, or a decision about what we're willing to take on.
00:07:47.759 --> 00:07:52.160
But sometimes we're reacting to a demand that nobody made.
00:07:52.399 --> 00:07:54.959
No one told me I couldn't call the plumber.
00:07:55.120 --> 00:07:58.079
No one said I had to solve the problem for my friend.
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I pictured what they would think if I didn't, and I treated my own judgment as though it came from them.
00:08:06.800 --> 00:08:10.000
Sometimes both kinds of pressure are present.
00:08:10.399 --> 00:08:17.519
Someone asked too much and an old belief inside me makes it harder to consider another answer.
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I think it's important to tell the difference.
00:08:20.639 --> 00:08:27.920
If the expectation is external, addressing only my thoughts won't change what the other person is doing.
00:08:28.240 --> 00:08:36.399
If the expectation is internal, blaming everybody else may leave the real rule untouched.
00:08:36.720 --> 00:08:42.080
So I want to ask, who's actually saying have to here?
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That question can be uncomfortable.
00:08:45.440 --> 00:08:48.799
Sometimes it would be easier to have a clear villain.
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If everyone else is forcing me to carry this, then I don't have to look at how much of my identity is invested in carrying it.
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If everything is in my head, I don't have to confront someone else as if they were asking too much.
00:09:05.440 --> 00:09:07.360
Neither shortcut helps.
00:09:07.679 --> 00:09:12.799
I can acknowledge somebody else's part without giving away my own.
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I can acknowledge my own part without excusing theirs.
00:09:18.080 --> 00:09:23.039
I may need both kinds of honesty before I know what to do next.
00:09:23.840 --> 00:09:31.440
Now let's change this up a little bit and put it inside of a parent's life, where the needs don't politely wait for a more convenient time.
00:09:32.480 --> 00:09:40.639
Think of a single mother working long hours, taking care of her children, losing sleep, and trying to hold things together.
00:09:40.960 --> 00:09:43.279
She may not ask their father for help.
00:09:43.440 --> 00:09:45.440
There might be good reasons for that.
00:09:45.679 --> 00:09:50.480
Help may be unreliable, unavailable, or even unsafe.
00:09:50.960 --> 00:09:56.159
I'm not going to assume that there's an easy request she simply hasn't thought to make.
00:09:56.320 --> 00:10:02.639
But imagine how much she carries and then how guilty she feels for not being able to do more.
00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:06.159
Her children need something that she couldn't provide that day.
00:10:06.399 --> 00:10:15.919
She also needed sleep, a doctor's appointment, a moment to herself, it may seem to her that even considering those needs would be selfish.
00:10:16.799 --> 00:10:19.360
Think also of a father working overtime.
00:10:19.600 --> 00:10:25.679
He takes the shift to provide for his children, then comes home exhausted and in pain.
00:10:26.159 --> 00:10:29.360
They want his time, and he wants theirs.
00:10:29.759 --> 00:10:36.000
The extra money matters, and so does the game or the conversation that he missed.
00:10:36.320 --> 00:10:42.480
He may feel that no matter which need he meets, another is going unattended.
00:10:42.960 --> 00:10:47.759
Neither parent needs somebody casually telling them that they have options.
00:10:48.000 --> 00:10:53.200
They know the cost of the situation better than anyone observing it from the outside.
00:10:54.159 --> 00:11:00.799
But perhaps one of them has come to believe that being a good parent means their own needs don't count at all.
00:11:01.279 --> 00:11:08.799
That's a belief worth examining, even if this week's practical decision stays exactly the same.
00:11:09.919 --> 00:11:12.799
Okay, so I used the word selfish a minute ago.
00:11:13.039 --> 00:11:16.320
This is a word we use a little too quickly.
00:11:16.639 --> 00:11:29.840
When I talk about selfishness, what I mean is choosing my own interest while disregarding somebody else's real need or causing them direct harm.
00:11:30.559 --> 00:11:35.200
I don't mean merely acknowledging that I have interest of my own.
00:11:35.519 --> 00:11:37.919
My needs belong in the decision.
00:11:38.240 --> 00:11:41.120
That doesn't always mean that they're gonna come first.
00:11:41.679 --> 00:11:48.320
There's a difference between looking after yourself and treating everybody else as an obstacle to what you want.
00:11:48.480 --> 00:11:53.919
There are also choices that cost somebody something without directly harming them.
00:11:54.159 --> 00:11:58.960
If I can't make every game, my child would be very disappointed.
00:11:59.279 --> 00:12:11.360
That feeling matters, and I want to hear it, but I still have to consider why I missed it, what I was providing, and whether another arrangement is possible next time.
00:12:11.600 --> 00:12:17.120
I can't resolve the question by labeling either work or the game selfish.
00:12:17.519 --> 00:12:27.600
I can consider how tired I am, how much time I need with the children, what the bills require, and what happens if I miss a shift.
00:12:27.919 --> 00:12:30.399
I might still choose the overtime.
00:12:30.639 --> 00:12:34.720
I might decide that that's the right sacrifice for today.
00:12:35.039 --> 00:12:41.200
But if I begin by declaring any thought of my own needs selfish, I haven't really weighed the decision.
00:12:41.440 --> 00:12:49.679
I've removed one of the people affected by it, and I may lose sight of why I choose the sacrifice in the first place.
00:12:50.080 --> 00:12:55.919
You can do the same loving thing with two very different experiences of it.
00:12:56.399 --> 00:13:06.720
I'm choosing this because caring for my family matters to me, or I have no choice and wanting anything different makes me a bad parent.
00:13:07.039 --> 00:13:09.120
The work may be identical.
00:13:09.440 --> 00:13:14.240
The second story can make it feel like a burden imposed by who you are.
00:13:15.120 --> 00:13:21.679
Sometimes we say obligated when what we really mean is committed, and commitment matters.
00:13:21.919 --> 00:13:25.279
A client expects me to be there at the appointed time.
00:13:25.600 --> 00:13:28.399
My family needs to know that they can count on me.
00:13:28.720 --> 00:13:34.320
I don't want to use the language of choice to pretend a promise has no weight.
00:13:34.720 --> 00:13:44.879
But the fact that a commitment has weight doesn't mean I had no part in making it, or that every future request is automatically part of it.
00:13:45.360 --> 00:13:51.120
The words I have to can hide a whole decision we've already made.
00:13:51.679 --> 00:14:01.279
I have to work the shift might mean I choose this shift because the alternative would put my family's financial stability at risk.
00:14:01.759 --> 00:14:11.840
I have to help my father this weekend might mean I choose to be there because he's been there for me, and this matters to the relationship I want with him.
00:14:12.080 --> 00:14:18.559
Sometimes I may look at the cost and say, I wouldn't choose it again in this form.
00:14:19.440 --> 00:14:21.679
And see, that's useful information too.
00:14:22.000 --> 00:14:26.000
The point isn't to rename every hard thing until it feels easy.
00:14:26.240 --> 00:14:27.279
It won't.
00:14:27.519 --> 00:14:37.200
It's to be honest about what is coming from outside of us, what we're asking of ourselves, and what we still have room to decide.
00:14:38.399 --> 00:14:46.960
When I teach about the need for freedom and independence in reality therapy, I sometimes use a deliberately extreme example.
00:14:47.279 --> 00:14:52.320
So I have the freedom to get in my car and drive to California right now.
00:14:52.480 --> 00:14:54.159
I could just get in and go.
00:14:54.799 --> 00:14:59.759
But my family might worry if I just disappeared without telling anybody.
00:15:00.000 --> 00:15:03.519
My clients would show up tomorrow and I wouldn't be there.
00:15:03.759 --> 00:15:09.279
I might lose my job or do lasting harm to relationships that really matter to me.
00:15:09.600 --> 00:15:16.720
I haven't said if I have enough money in the account, enough gas in the tank, or a place to stay once I get there.
00:15:17.200 --> 00:15:20.879
So yeah, I have the freedom to do it.
00:15:21.279 --> 00:15:22.320
Should I?
00:15:22.639 --> 00:15:23.840
Probably not.
00:15:25.279 --> 00:15:27.120
My freedom matters.
00:15:27.440 --> 00:15:34.000
So do my family's peace of mind, the income I rely on, the people counting on me tomorrow.
00:15:34.320 --> 00:15:37.840
I can consider all of that and decide to stay.
00:15:38.159 --> 00:15:43.200
Staying can be a choice that I make because I value those things more.
00:15:43.759 --> 00:15:46.960
And there may still be a part of me that wishes I could go.
00:15:47.279 --> 00:15:52.480
Making the right decision doesn't erase every regret about what I missed.
00:15:52.799 --> 00:15:58.639
We can't be in two places at once no matter how much we care about both places.
00:15:59.120 --> 00:16:07.600
That's one reason I don't want choice to sound like a promise that we can arrange life so that nobody ever misses anything.
00:16:07.919 --> 00:16:14.000
We may freely choose the best available option and still feel the loss of the other one.
00:16:14.559 --> 00:16:20.720
I can value being at home and value the work that supports my home.
00:16:21.039 --> 00:16:23.519
One doesn't cancel the other one out.
00:16:24.080 --> 00:16:27.840
Some of the ache comes from caring about both.
00:16:28.320 --> 00:16:32.399
That father working overtime might say I have no choice.
00:16:32.879 --> 00:16:34.399
Technically, he does.
00:16:34.720 --> 00:16:36.320
He could quit his job.
00:16:36.559 --> 00:16:38.240
He could call in sick.
00:16:38.480 --> 00:16:44.000
Those options may carry consequences he's quite reasonably unwilling to accept.
00:16:44.240 --> 00:16:50.480
What he may mean is I haven't found another choice that I think is right for my family.
00:16:50.720 --> 00:16:57.919
But once he allows himself to consider even ridiculous options, he might notice a smaller possibility.
00:16:58.320 --> 00:17:04.319
Could he ask to shift his hours so that he could attend the child's game and work at a different time?
00:17:05.039 --> 00:17:06.960
Could he trade a shift?
00:17:07.359 --> 00:17:14.400
Could he talk with the family about whether this particular expense matters more than the time together?
00:17:14.799 --> 00:17:16.319
Maybe none of it works.
00:17:16.559 --> 00:17:18.079
The employer may say no.
00:17:18.319 --> 00:17:23.920
The bills may leave no room, he may still miss the game and regret it.
00:17:24.240 --> 00:17:27.920
That regret doesn't prove he made the wrong choice.
00:17:28.160 --> 00:17:34.720
It may tell us he was choosing between two things he really valued and couldn't have both.
00:17:35.279 --> 00:17:38.960
And sometimes considering the alternatives changes the plan.
00:17:39.920 --> 00:17:45.200
There may be a solution he couldn't see while he was saying I have no choice.
00:17:45.440 --> 00:17:50.400
See, I'm willing to explore six ways through a problem for somebody else.
00:17:50.640 --> 00:17:56.319
A few of them may be improbable, but they can point towards a seventh that works.
00:17:56.640 --> 00:18:01.839
What happens if we offer that same curiosity to our own lives?
00:18:03.119 --> 00:18:06.000
Let's come back to my plumbing problem for a minute.
00:18:06.319 --> 00:18:08.720
I might choose to fix it myself.
00:18:08.880 --> 00:18:13.920
It saves money our family could use for something more enjoyable later on.
00:18:14.400 --> 00:18:18.799
Maybe I want to teach my child what my father taught me.
00:18:19.279 --> 00:18:21.519
Maybe I simply enjoy the work.
00:18:21.920 --> 00:18:24.240
Or I might hire the expert.
00:18:24.480 --> 00:18:35.599
They can finish in two hours and I can use my time on the other five things that need me, or on the people I keep saying are my priority, or maybe just a rest.
00:18:36.079 --> 00:18:39.839
Neither answer is automatically the more responsible one.
00:18:40.559 --> 00:18:48.160
I need to look at the money, the time, the relationships, and the life that I want, those things to serve.
00:18:48.400 --> 00:18:56.240
The same goes for the friend who always helps, the partner who always organizes, and the employee who always takes the hardest task.
00:18:56.400 --> 00:19:00.400
There's no universal instruction to say yes or no.
00:19:00.799 --> 00:19:03.680
Ask whether the choice still fits your values.
00:19:03.920 --> 00:19:08.880
Ask what it adds to your life, and to the lives of the people that you care about.
00:19:09.119 --> 00:19:13.759
Ask what it costs, and whether there's another way to meet that need.
00:19:14.400 --> 00:19:20.160
And if you still choose to do the difficult thing, let it be a choice you can name.
00:19:20.480 --> 00:19:24.400
This matters to me and I'm willing to carry the cost.
00:19:24.880 --> 00:19:34.880
Now that doesn't make the cost disappear, but it may feel lighter than carrying it under the belief that you were never allowed to consider anything else.
00:19:35.119 --> 00:19:38.160
Sometimes the decision is for somebody else.
00:19:38.319 --> 00:19:40.079
Sometimes it's for yourself.
00:19:40.319 --> 00:19:42.160
Often it serves both.
00:19:42.400 --> 00:19:52.480
Fixing the pipe myself could satisfy my pride, save money for my family, and give me time with a child who wants to learn.
00:19:52.799 --> 00:20:01.759
Hiring the expert could protect my energy, help the household function sooner, and free me up to keep another commitment.
00:20:02.000 --> 00:20:06.799
It's worth being specific about who benefits and who bears the cost.
00:20:07.200 --> 00:20:12.400
Instead of just assuming the choice for myself must be against somebody else.
00:20:13.119 --> 00:20:19.680
When our values are part of the decision, we can also tell when the decision needs to change.
00:20:19.920 --> 00:20:26.079
A shift that made sense during a hard financial month may not make sense forever.
00:20:26.480 --> 00:20:33.519
A role I gladly took on when a friend was in crisis doesn't automatically become my permanent assignment.
00:20:33.759 --> 00:20:39.519
I can continue to care while asking what care should look like now.
00:20:41.200 --> 00:20:48.559
I also don't want to pretend that recognizing it as a choice makes changing the pattern comfortable.
00:20:48.880 --> 00:20:57.200
If you're known as the person who can handle anything, doing less may feel out of character even if no one complains.
00:20:57.680 --> 00:21:04.640
You may feel selfish, weak, or disloyal before you've actually harmed anyone.
00:21:05.440 --> 00:21:07.920
Others may be surprised too.
00:21:08.160 --> 00:21:12.799
They've learned how the relationship works from all the times you've stepped in.
00:21:13.039 --> 00:21:15.200
Their disappointment is real.
00:21:15.920 --> 00:21:20.559
But it doesn't by itself tell you whether a new decision is wrong.
00:21:20.799 --> 00:21:25.680
And sometimes you'll look closely and decide to keep doing what you've always done.
00:21:25.920 --> 00:21:31.039
You want to be that parent, that partner, that professional, that friend.
00:21:31.599 --> 00:21:34.880
There's dignity in choosing to show up.
00:21:35.279 --> 00:21:43.119
I want us to be able to say that without silently adding and therefore I must do it every time, no matter the cost.
00:21:43.839 --> 00:21:46.720
Being dependable can remain a value.
00:21:46.960 --> 00:21:52.880
It doesn't have to become a rule that makes every other need in your life disappear.
00:21:53.200 --> 00:21:59.440
I think that distinction matters, especially for someone who's proud of their dependability.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:06.880
If you hear all of this as an instruction to withdraw from people who need you, you might reject it.
00:22:07.119 --> 00:22:08.960
And I would understand why.
00:22:09.200 --> 00:22:10.799
I probably would too.
00:22:11.039 --> 00:22:12.799
That's not what I'm asking.
00:22:12.960 --> 00:22:20.319
I'm asking you to notice that a valued part of your character has become the only part you're allowed to consult.
00:22:20.960 --> 00:22:23.680
You may keep showing up in the same way.
00:22:23.920 --> 00:22:28.079
You may ask for help, you may find a new way to show up.
00:22:28.319 --> 00:22:37.680
What matters is that you're bringing yourself into the decision that you recognize the choice and choose intentionally?
00:22:39.680 --> 00:22:41.759
What is it I want to leave you with?
00:22:42.079 --> 00:22:45.759
What is it I want you thinking about until the next time?
00:22:46.079 --> 00:22:48.960
Think about a responsibility you carried this week.
00:22:49.200 --> 00:22:52.160
It might be one you chose with love.
00:22:52.720 --> 00:22:55.119
It might be one you resented.
00:22:55.359 --> 00:22:56.880
It might be both.
00:22:57.200 --> 00:23:00.400
Where did the expectation actually come from?
00:23:00.880 --> 00:23:05.599
What did you tell yourself it would mean if you did something else?
00:23:05.920 --> 00:23:12.480
If you considered the needs involved, including your own, would you make the same choice again?
00:23:12.720 --> 00:23:13.759
Maybe you would.
00:23:14.000 --> 00:23:19.359
Maybe you would make it willingly, even knowing what it cost and what you'll miss.
00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:31.599
And maybe there's another choice you haven't seen yet, a request you could make, a different way to share the work, a way to use your ability that leaves room for the rest of your life.
00:23:31.920 --> 00:23:36.799
So, what choice have you been calling an obligation?
00:23:37.200 --> 00:23:39.599
Would you choose it again intentionally?
00:23:39.839 --> 00:23:43.759
And if not, what else might be possible?
