WEBVTT
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You know, the topic here is loneliness.
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You can't fight loneliness while you're lonely.
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You have to have people and there's small things you can do until you find really find, you know, your community.
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You know, I I wasn't working to have a community.
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I've really had the work to have what I have right now.
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So there is a little bit of effort on your part to do that, but it is possible.
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Good morning and welcome to PowerPoint Confession Podcast.
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We are here on another sunny Monday.
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Yes.
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We are pulling out of sight instructor if you're familiar with Mexico.
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Yeah.
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We gotta stop to get ourselves situated because we are doing this the safe way, despite what some comments have that have been left on our some of our posts.
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I promise we're being as safe as possible.
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Yeah.
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If there's any handling, I I do that.
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And you know, I'm always looking around as well.
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Yeah, we uh really are trying, you know, honestly, is so much just a conversation between us, and that's what makes it fun, I think.
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I think so too.
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Because we just can kind of go back and forth and be real and honest and safe.
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Yeah, and then we just decided to add a camera to the mix.
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That's right, that's right.
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Um, well, today we're gonna be talking about a topic that I know is a very prevalent issue um right now, and that is loneliness.
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Loneliness.
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Isn't that so interesting in a time where we have not been more connected that the there's a literal loneliness epidemic happening?
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Yeah, it's it's actually really crazy because like we've never been like technology has made it possible to talk to people literally all over the world, and we're more lonely than ever, which is interesting.
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It's so interesting.
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I wonder I wonder why that is.
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Like, I feel like social media is like we it's like we get very surface level.
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Yeah, maybe that's what it is.
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I think with social media, again, it's very surface level, and there is a lot of discourse over sharing and being vulnerable on Facebook.
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I mean, I see it all the time, like I see people making fun of people who cry on the internet or do this or do that, and I I think you're not expanding your mind enough if you get to a place and you're shaming people for sharing that sort of stuff online because you know, as we evolve and technology evolves, there's just new ways of doing things, and I don't I don't think there's anything wrong with being vulnerable on the internet or or crying on the internet or sharing your truth.
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Um, we just live in a different time where we are able to do that, and I think that's actually a a beautiful thing that people can be so vulnerable on online because those people who are willing to step into that discomfort and share that, uh, it makes me feel less alone, actually.
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Yeah, I agree.
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I mean, that's like what we're doing here, yeah.
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Exactly.
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Trying to just make sure people understand that they're not alone in their struggles.
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No, you're not.
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And I mean I feel like too, like on social media, I don't know that you can really be fully known.
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Does that make sense?
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I think that makes perfect sense.
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So I don't think so either.
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It's something I've really struggled with, especially the last couple of years.
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I've I've actually posted about this before about wanting to have people in the flesh, you know, like real moments with real people in person.
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And it's not that I'm not grateful for the online community that I've cultivated for myself, but it only can go so far, and and in some ways it has helped my loneliness, but in other ways it has exasperated my loneliness.
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Yeah.
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Well, it and you think about it too, is like when people are posting on Facebook, they're putting us whatever foot forward that they want for people to see.
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Some people are more honest than others, some people are only showing the highlights, you know, some people are you know using it as a way to just share their thoughts and feelings, but also the risk is that you have a lot more people out there to give you a hard time about it.
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Oh, yeah.
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You have a lot, you know, it's it's not the same as sitting down with someone over coffee, it's just not.
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It's yeah, it can't online community cannot replace being seen in the flesh, you know.
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Well, and it's it's I think, and I know you've experienced this too, but when people are online, they become so brave and they say things that they would never have the courage to say to someone.
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Keyboard warriors.
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Yeah, I mean, it's there's so many opportunities for hurt on without consequence on social media.
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I have a story about that.
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Um years ago, so this would have been when my 16-year-old daughter was a baby, like not even a year old yet.
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I was in Walmart after working like an evening shift, so this was you know, mid of middle of the evening, and you know, just going up and down the aisles, and my phone started blowing up.
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And I'm like, what the heck?
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You know, I tried to ignore it, but it just kept going off.
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So I pick up my phone and open it, and I got sent a screenshot of where an individual had taken a picture off my Facebook of when I was a child.
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They cropped a penis in my mouth, oh my gosh, and bunny ears, and put daddy's little girl over it.
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Oh my gosh.
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And um oh my, that is case in point right there.
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Yeah, um doing things like that without consequence, without consequence, yeah.
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And talk about feeling violated.
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I don't even know the words to explain how I felt, but it just felt like somebody just took the worst thing I've ever been through and made it into a joke and put posted it on the internet.
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That's horrible.
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Well, if there was consequences, unfortunately, it was on you.
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Yeah, the consequences were on me.
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And because of who the individuals were, because it was actually two people involved.
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Um, I couldn't really seek justice for that because I had to worry about how that would affect people that I love in my life, how it would affect them.
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So it's definitely one of those situations where I just like really had to be the bigger person.
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And um, but it it was awful, and like it still bothers me, me today, you know, to so the internet is is just it it's a great thing, and I definitely want to have an episode where I talk about the beauty of technology and and that sort of online community, but it can really be used to hurt a lot of people.
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It really can.
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And if you think about it, when something like that gets put online and then all of a sudden everyone in your world is seeing it, uh-huh, that had to have made you feel incredibly lonely.
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It made me feel incredibly lonely because now it's like feels like the world is just against you.
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Yeah, that that's exactly how it felt, and that's so hard.
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It was so hard.
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Um, I will say it did end up bringing me closer with the person.
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It's somebody you know that we went to school with.
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I've always known who she was, but we weren't like friends per se.
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But when that post went up and people saw that, like people that didn't even really know me did come to my defense because they were like, that is messed up.
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I mean, there's drama, but going that low is a whole different level.
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So this is evil, yeah.
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Yeah, it's evil, but yeah, I did feel super alone, especially given what the material was making fun of.
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I can't even believe, like, I just can't even fathom.
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That's just it.
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It's like that is a perfect example of why people are feeling incredibly lonely and isolated because normal relationships, that kind of thing, there's going to be way less opportunity for people.
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Now, I'm not saying people in the flesh aren't gonna treat you poorly because you are, but man, you get the whole entire social media network now seeing all this stuff, and it's just like that's incredibly isolating.
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Well, yeah, and then things also get super one-sided because we all have our you know, friends on our thing, and then they have their friends, and so you're only getting you know those individual perspectives and instead of like what actually is the situation here that caused it to get like this.
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So yeah, yeah, and it's not good for your health at all.
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No, it's not good for your health.
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Loneliness, there's actually statistics on how it affects your health.
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Yeah, uh, I actually saw one that said that um it is comparable, it creates health risks comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes per day.
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And I was like, what?
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Yeah, um, and that's legit.
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The Surgeon General like looked at years and years of studies and made that conclusion, and it's like, what?
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Like that's crazy.
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Yeah.
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It actually makes me really hurt for like the people in nursing homes that don't have anybody visiting them because I'm like, oh, they're just there.
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You know what I'm saying?
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No, it's so good.
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And it's like they're that's not good for their health.
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No, it's not, and it makes me really sad.
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It makes me really sad, yeah.
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Um, it's it's something I've experienced my entire life and definitely different types of loneliness too.
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I worked completely remote for over 10 years, and I went through the death of my mother while I worked remote fully and oh my gosh.
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I felt my mother's death highlighted a bunch of different loneliness in me.
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Um, for one, I did, like I said, I work from home.
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Darius and I don't really have family involved with us, and so I remember my mom's funeral, or it was really her visitation, she didn't have a funeral, and there like hardly anybody came.
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There was like really nobody that came, and that made me hurt so bad.
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And um, I'm so sorry.
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That's okay.
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I wish I would have known like been in the world.
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Well, yeah, we were we weren't close then.
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I know.
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We were just living different lives.
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I know.
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So I don't like blame you or anything.
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I know, but it's still sad.
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I know, and I absolutely your mom did come to my mom's funeral.
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She did?
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Yeah, your mom did come, yeah.
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She did, she showed up.
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See, you always had a you always had a support system back there.
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You just didn't realize it just wasn't surfaced again.
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Yeah, it just wasn't surface and again, just that um imposter syndrome of I think that's what I was trying to get to when we were talking about imposter syndrome is my imposter syndrome was so bad that I didn't even I felt like I couldn't come to your mom and your dad anymore.
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Like they did their thing.
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Yeah, well.
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Yeah, and and that's something that can prevent people from having connections, which is what what which something we'll talk about here for sure in a minute.
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But yeah, I mean having like most people when they think loneliness, they think of people like like elderly people in a nursing home or people working remote or who don't have family, like physically, you don't have people in your circle, like you're just very isolated.
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Uh, and that is the case for a lot of people.
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I mean, there are a lot of people in that situation.
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Maybe your spouse passed away and you're, you know, you're living on your own and you don't have a lot of family.
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Maybe your kids, you know, moved across the country and you don't have any family close by, and that's extremely hard.
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It is so hard.
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Um, you know, I I know that I rely heavily so much on my on your people that I just can't even imagine well life is yeah.
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I mean, life is exponentially harder in every way.
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I mean, there's been times I've gotten a flat tire or my battery has died, and it's like, who do I call?
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Mm-hmm.
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I don't have anybody to call.
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So when things like that happen, it could just make you feel very lonely.
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But there's there's also different types of loneliness, like spiritual loneliness.
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That's something that I've really I feel like every Christian experiences.
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Oh, I have definitely experienced a lot of that, especially with like growing up as a Jehovah's Witness, and then you know, I've been around other faiths, and then being around people who are super atheists, and which is fine.
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I if you're atheists, like I have no problem with that, but you I feel like there needs to be like a mutual respect, and I haven't met that a lot when it comes to atheism atheism, and so that can that has made me feel very alone because you know I felt like I couldn't really share how I felt about God or or anything because it just didn't seem accepted anywhere.
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Yeah, well, and I you're gonna experience this in your walk too, now that you've kind of come back to uh trying to get to really dive deep into your faith.
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And this is something that I can see that's it's have it's kind of similar, it's akin to marriage.
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You know, marriage kind of has these times where you kind of feel more distant from each other, and then it has times when you feel closer to each other.
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Um, the really important thing that I will always remember that my father-in-law told me is like the really important thing is that you remember that at least one person has to make an effort to come back to bring it back together, and that's the same thing with faith.
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It's like sometimes in your Christian walk, so don't be surprised when this happens because it will, you will start feeling extremely distant from God.
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Like you'll start feeling like he's not there there, and he very much is, but um, but that's a very much a spiritual loneliness that I think all of us go through, but it is very hard if you feel like you can't hear God, you feel like you're distant from God or you're disappointing God.
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That's a whole nother like level of loneliness that we don't talk about a lot, but it happens to everybody.
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I know like all of my Christian friends, we've had this conversation, it it and that's again the importance of having friends that can help kind of pull you out of it and and draw you into making that, you know, building that relationship up again.
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And it's it's you know, God doesn't go anywhere, but we just mentally go somewhere else.
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Like we start focusing on other things or you know, getting well, and there's a lot of reasons for that.
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It's you know it's preposter syndrome, it's people pleasing, it's having anxiety, um all of those things can yeah, make us feel separated from God.
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Absolutely, for sure.
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Well, and another kind of loneliness that I know I have experienced, and I know I haven't talked about this a whole lot, but um, and that's emotional loneliness.
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So you may have people around you, so you may be married, but feel so alone.
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And you know, I know I haven't talked a lot about this on the podcast, and I have a really great relationship, but one reality about my relationship is that my husband and I don't share the same faith.
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Like yeah, my and now my teenage sons, they've completely abandoned it as well, and so going, you know, being somebody that churches everything to me, going to you know, church every Sunday alone and not having family to pray with, not having that, you know, that connection, that faith connection at home is so hard.
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Thank God for Brady.
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He's like my eight-year-old, he's gonna be a little preacher someday.
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So God gave him a few extra doses, I think, to keep me sane.
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But um, but yeah, I mean, people that have just because you have people around you doesn't mean you're not lonely.
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Oh, yeah.
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In fact, some of the most lonely people I know have people around them.
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Well, and that's the thing too.
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Um, you know, I am I think most people wouldn't think that I would feel lonely because I'm so good at talking to so many people.
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Like I can befriend anybody.
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I can sit on a plane with you and know your whole life story by the time the plane lands.
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But I don't get that in return.
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I'm the person that typically pours into other people and reaches out and creates the motion, but I don't experience that in my life.
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You're the you're the only person that really like tries to do anything with me.
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Well, and I just gotta say, knowing people and feeling seen are two totally different things.
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Absolutely.
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Because you can know hundreds of people, but they if they don't see you, you know, if you're not at that level with them, it's very, it's a very lonely place.
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Yeah, it is.
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I remember whenever I was returning to the faith 10 or so, well, it's probably been like more like 12 years ago, 11, 12 years ago.
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Um I was very isolated because I was coming from a background where I all my friends that I hung around with, we partied together, we um, you know, we had really bad potty mouths all the time, and you know, it's like the standard like living in the world type situation, which I'm not judging anyone that's there, but I'm just saying that whenever you make that change, especially when you make that change, and then your spouse doesn't make that change with you, oof, yeah, that is incredibly hard.
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So whenever I decided it to return, you know, to the faith, and then I had my husband at home going, like, you've changed so much.
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Like, who are you?
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Like, you're not the person that I married because I wasn't.
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I was totally different after you know, coming to the faith.
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And um, so that's a whole nother layer of challenge, I will say, uh, in a marriage, and we'll probably have an episode someday on that.
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I mean, I definitely want to make sure to talk it over with my husband, you know.
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I want to make sure I'm respectful of him as well.
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Right, yeah, for sure.
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He's on his own journey too.
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It's not my place to tell him, you know, you have to be saved, you know, saying like God's working on him, and I have seen that so much in our relationship, but it doesn't make it any less lonely.
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I mean, it really doesn't.
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No, yeah, that would be hard.
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It really is.
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And and I think that whenever I did come to the faith, I had no friends that shared that with me.
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Those old friends started to kind of fall away.
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You've witnessed that same thing.
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And then I had a friend at work that kind of really pushed me to the next level.
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I'm I noticed her like reading her Bible and doing like she worked for me actually at MFA.
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Okay.
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And I I'd never seen anyone reading a Bible at work before.
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I was like, what is it Marissa?
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No, like I could see Marissa doing that.
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Um, but yeah, so no, it was Christina.
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Um, shout out Christina, you're at the volume.
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Um, but I think we all have those people in our life where we can just like look back and we're like, yeah, that person like really changed things for me.
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And that was somebody that really changed things for me.
00:20:22.559 --> 00:20:27.759
But I remember when she quit, like she was like my one person that I could talk to about my faith.
00:20:28.079 --> 00:20:32.880
And when she quit MFA, I was so devastated.
00:20:33.039 --> 00:20:36.000
Oh, because I was like, now I don't have anybody.
00:20:36.240 --> 00:20:36.720
Yeah, that's it.
00:20:36.960 --> 00:20:47.039
And this workplace is so worldly, and I don't have anybody to like hold me accountable and talk to me about things that are important to me now.
00:20:47.200 --> 00:20:50.960
You know, that was really devastating whenever she quit.
00:20:51.039 --> 00:20:58.160
And I remember praying to God and just being like, God, I remember I was on I-70.
00:20:58.240 --> 00:21:09.599
I think I've maybe mentioned this on the podcast before, but I was on I-70 and I prayed to God and I was like, God, please just bring me just one person that can, you know, be there with me to help me in this.
00:21:10.240 --> 00:21:19.279
And I am telling you, like, he delivered and then some on that promise because I was when you met Libby.
00:21:19.599 --> 00:21:23.680
So, no, actually, I hired not one, but two more people.
00:21:23.759 --> 00:21:25.440
So, this is like years apart.
00:21:25.519 --> 00:21:28.079
So, like, and along came another person.
00:21:28.240 --> 00:21:31.279
That person was on the same kind of faith journey.
00:21:31.440 --> 00:21:32.400
She ended up leaving.
00:21:32.559 --> 00:21:34.079
Next person came, same thing.
00:21:34.240 --> 00:21:41.359
So it was like the people that kept coming in to replace Christina were like the exact same like situation.
00:21:41.759 --> 00:21:46.160
I felt like that was God saying, like, hey, you need to leave too, because this is not where you need to be.
00:21:46.400 --> 00:21:59.759
And that's what's funny is that not only that, he brought this like really amazing, like, probably it's so it wasn't immediately, but a couple years later, I had started kind of.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:07.119
Forming up this group of women that we now have, as we talk about our group chat all the time, the Women of Joy group of people.
00:22:07.279 --> 00:22:19.599
But now I have this huge group of people that are around me and available and ready to help and ready to talk, just great friends that have come into my life that I didn't have before.
00:22:19.759 --> 00:22:24.480
That was not that was not a thing, especially when I first started coming back to church.
00:22:24.559 --> 00:22:26.240
It was very much not a thing.
00:22:26.400 --> 00:22:37.519
Um, and so that's why I think it's so important for us when we're when we have that to look for people that don't and just pull them into the fold.
00:22:37.759 --> 00:22:38.720
Yeah, agreed.
00:22:39.039 --> 00:22:42.480
Because it's hard to get, it's it's really hard to get that.
00:22:42.559 --> 00:22:44.319
I mean, I prayed to God, He gave it to me.
00:22:44.400 --> 00:22:54.160
Like I like I can't even tell you um how grateful I was for that because it was it it was very lonely not having that for the brief moment that I didn't have it.
00:22:54.400 --> 00:23:04.799
Well, again, and the pillar of me of being mentally well is having connection, and again, the I mean the Bible talks about that.
00:23:05.119 --> 00:23:16.079
You know, we really do need community to live well, we do, but the world and our experiences can make it very hard to have community.
00:23:16.559 --> 00:23:48.160
One thing that's really interesting to me about loneliness, and I I can actually think of people like as I say this, because I know that there are certain people that really struggle with this, and I've struggled with it too, but interesting little brain science fact, loneliness actually alters the brain, so it changes the brain, and it's very similar to what we've talked about before with you know pathways and um neuroplasticity, you know, and those thought patterns that you have.
00:23:48.319 --> 00:23:57.759
But once you are in a state of loneliness, your brain is then interpreting everything from that lens.
00:23:58.000 --> 00:24:06.400
So you're gonna start interpreting actions from people, and it almost is like taking it to the extreme.
00:24:06.640 --> 00:24:15.039
Like maybe somebody doesn't respond to your text, and you're immediately thinking, oh, they don't want to be my friend, or they don't like me, you know.
00:24:15.119 --> 00:24:20.319
And I think we're all I think that's that, yeah, it's black and white thinking is what happens.
00:24:20.640 --> 00:24:39.839
And for people with complex trauma, this conversation, of course, is is different because when you have experienced complex trauma, your nervous system was trained like that because it was actually that's what was actually happening, you know.
00:24:40.079 --> 00:25:05.440
Yeah, that's true, and also anxiety in general, yeah, contributes to well, think about it, if you have social anxiety, okay, and you've it's like you dang if you do, danged if you don't, you know, you get so anxious to go around people, but yet you're lonely, yeah, you know, and super challenging.
00:25:05.759 --> 00:25:35.839
Well, and I was you know, as far as the Bible goes, I mean, it it has a lot to say about loneliness, and people were not created to be alone, we were literally created like in Genesis 2, it's God says it's not good for man to be alone because and this is before even the fall, before sin entered the picture, like we were not created to be alone, no, and I think that's really interesting because we were created for connection.
00:25:36.079 --> 00:25:40.640
We are so it's no wonder that when we don't have that, we literally get we're literally sick.
00:25:41.200 --> 00:25:43.200
No, you are, and that's physically unwell.
00:25:43.519 --> 00:25:45.839
I think that's where a lot of people have struggled with me.
00:25:45.920 --> 00:25:51.759
They're like, Why like you're you're you're not with your dad anymore, you're not experiencing these things.
00:25:52.000 --> 00:25:55.119
Like, why do you feel like you're you're so lonely?
00:25:55.599 --> 00:26:04.640
And the truth is, like, not a lot of people experience something that grotesque, and that that makes me feel very lonely.
00:26:04.960 --> 00:26:26.000
And actually, you know, I've I've mentioned this before, but my therapist told me, and it's just a fact of the trauma I've been through that I will have very few connections in my life because people are just not going to be able to understand what I've been through because it alters their worldview.
00:26:26.160 --> 00:26:39.359
Yeah, you know, some people need to keep their brains in a specific bubble to protect it, and what I've been through kind of destroys our pops holes in people's bubbles.
00:26:39.599 --> 00:26:44.799
Well, and that just goes back to the whole statement of you don't need 500 people.
00:26:45.039 --> 00:26:45.759
No, definitely not.
00:26:45.920 --> 00:26:46.960
You only need a few.
00:26:47.119 --> 00:27:00.960
And I mean, look at the difference that just having my family around your window has made, you know, just a place to go celebrate birthdays and a place to, you know, somebody to go eat lunch with after church.
00:27:01.200 --> 00:27:05.359
Yeah, it's been and not not just for me, but my entire family.
00:27:05.599 --> 00:27:16.079
That's been the real beauty of it for me is you know, when I had children, there's lots of things you don't consider as as you do.
00:27:16.640 --> 00:27:32.000
But one of them was not considering that my kids are not gonna have grandparents and they're not gonna have cousins and aunts and uncles, and my kids have never had that, and it's been very challenging.
00:27:32.160 --> 00:27:42.559
I mean, there are so many holidays where there's just this sadness in the air, and it didn't matter what I tried to do to make it, you know, to create our own traditions.
00:27:42.799 --> 00:27:48.880
I can't make a community, I can't just make a village out of thin air.
00:27:48.960 --> 00:28:00.160
And my kids are at the ages now where they can look around and see that our life is different from most everybody else in their life, you know.
00:28:00.559 --> 00:28:10.960
Now, like Kate said this last year, last it's been almost two years now, that has definitely changed and it's been super good for my children.
00:28:11.039 --> 00:28:20.559
Like Chloe's 16th birthday, like I I saw that she kept her taco, she still has her taco here made her, and so that's awesome.
00:28:20.720 --> 00:28:23.759
It that's been very healing for my entire family.
00:28:24.160 --> 00:28:26.480
Yeah, and I'm super grateful for that.
00:28:26.720 --> 00:28:48.640
Um, but a couple years ago I did go through a smear campaign, and this smear campaign involved everybody in my life at that time, like down to like the person I saw at the gas station every day, like that level of intrusiveness with the smear campaign in my life.
00:28:48.960 --> 00:29:06.160
So I um it things like got to a head, and I was being harassed, and and people were putting me in situations where I was physically not safe, and it got so bad that I I just left.
00:29:06.799 --> 00:29:18.799
And when I got back and learned the full extent of who I was involved, I I don't even know how to explain how I felt.
00:29:18.960 --> 00:29:28.480
It was honestly, I would live what my dad did to me a hundred times over than experience what I went through a couple years ago.
00:29:28.559 --> 00:29:28.640
Wow.
00:29:28.799 --> 00:29:31.279
And that's a pretty that's saying a lot.
00:29:31.440 --> 00:29:32.240
That's saying a lot.
00:29:32.400 --> 00:29:35.759
That's how terrible I felt.
00:29:36.240 --> 00:29:42.000
Yeah, I I I didn't think I would be where I am today, that's for sure.
00:29:42.240 --> 00:29:58.319
Um, but some things I did is because I was experienced so much isolation, and I, you know, I worked from home fully remote during all of this, so that added a layer of I'm I'm really good at masking.
00:29:58.480 --> 00:30:01.279
So like people just didn't know anything is wrong.
00:30:02.000 --> 00:30:07.359
And if nobody's looking at you and picking up on these little things, that's just that.
00:30:07.599 --> 00:30:13.279
Yeah, you're that's the the digital technology mismatch we're talking about.
00:30:13.759 --> 00:30:14.160
Exactly.
00:30:14.400 --> 00:30:28.960
So dismissing that those cues, they can't see it, they can't see your cues, so it's really, really easy to hide how much you're struggling, especially if you work somewhere where you're they're not really trying to have connection in the first place.
00:30:29.519 --> 00:31:03.759
So yeah, there were some small things I did during that time that were helpful, and some of that was just making small talk with the cashier, you know, just trying to create little moments of interaction, and those little moments would help me through, even if it was just like a really temporary brief interaction, it made me feel like I existed because I think for me, I just didn't feel like I existed in anyone's mind, like I didn't matter.
00:31:03.839 --> 00:31:05.119
Like, does anybody think of me?
00:31:05.279 --> 00:31:06.160
Yeah, you didn't feel seen.
00:31:06.559 --> 00:31:07.839
I didn't feel seen at all.
00:31:08.079 --> 00:31:10.799
Like if I died, like nobody's gonna know.
00:31:11.920 --> 00:31:43.279
And and so I would just try to talk to anybody if they cross my path in any way, yeah, just to have some sort of connection, and I you know, and when you get really lonely like that too, you do get kind of desperate, even if you don't feel like it's desperation, you know, somebody paying attention to you and wanting to hang out with you can feel really good.
00:31:43.359 --> 00:31:56.400
So after that smear campaign and I like lost all my current people, I still was trying to find people, and I didn't get it right after all of that either.
00:31:56.640 --> 00:31:58.000
It was really hard.
00:31:58.240 --> 00:32:11.359
There's something to be said for that, not to interrupt you, but like I think so many, so many people that are experiencing loneliness, they start looking for connection anywhere they can find it.
00:32:11.599 --> 00:32:17.839
And sometimes those connections end up being more hurtful than the loneliness itself.
00:32:18.079 --> 00:32:28.559
Yes, because you know, you get to a point where you're just you just want somebody, you know, you just want somebody to see you and be there for you.
00:32:28.720 --> 00:32:45.920
I mean, case in point, all you know, all these these women that that you know are in domestic abuse situations where you know they're picking these guys that are just hurtful to them, you know, they're harmful to them, and then they feel like they can't leave because they don't have anybody other than that person.
00:32:46.240 --> 00:32:54.880
I mean, it's just such a horrible vicious cycle of trying to be seen, trying to find those connections.
00:32:55.039 --> 00:32:59.440
Like I said, not every connection is gonna be the best for you.
00:32:59.839 --> 00:33:00.799
Yeah, yeah.
00:33:01.119 --> 00:33:15.039
It's really taken me a lot of time to find decent people, and there are so many reasons that is, you know, like we just said, when you get really lonely, you just want somebody so that will make you clean.
00:33:15.279 --> 00:33:18.640
I also, you know, I just didn't have boundaries.
00:33:18.720 --> 00:33:26.400
I didn't know how to have boundaries, and so I was friends with people that had a lifestyle that I would never engage in.
00:33:26.640 --> 00:33:33.839
Yeah, you know, there's something that I tell my teenage boys because we've been having a lot of conversations about, you know, what is your brand gonna be in high school?
00:33:33.920 --> 00:33:35.039
Who how do you want to show up?
00:33:35.119 --> 00:33:35.279
Right.
00:33:35.440 --> 00:33:36.160
Who are you gonna be?
00:33:36.240 --> 00:33:47.039
Because they came from a school where there was only four boys, and there were two of the four boys, so they're gonna be making new friends, and they're gonna be having to figure out what what type of people do I want to hang out with.
00:33:47.279 --> 00:34:00.720
And I think you know, one of the conversations we have all the time is that I say to them, hey, you want to be friends with the people that you want to be like, right?
00:34:00.960 --> 00:34:16.719
So, you know, what that is long and short of it is like you're going to surround yourself, like whoever you're surrounding yourself with, that is going to greatly influence you and your trajectory and and and everything about your life.
00:34:17.039 --> 00:34:27.119
So, no, this is so true, and I w really wish somebody would have drilled this into my head at a very young age because that was not my mentality.
00:34:27.840 --> 00:34:31.760
I have never wanted to judge people, and I I've been it.
00:34:31.920 --> 00:34:53.119
Like I have never judged anybody, so I would be friends with all kinds of people, and I thought that was a really good quality to have, and I mean, to a degree it is, but if you don't have boundaries, you will get hurt, and I got hurt, and not only did I get hurt, my entire family got hurt because of the choices I made.
00:34:53.519 --> 00:34:56.400
I can't, you know, I have to take ownership of that.
00:34:56.559 --> 00:35:07.360
The choices I made, although I wasn't intentionally setting out to harm my family in this way, that's what ended up happening, you know.
00:35:07.679 --> 00:35:12.480
So I I'm still dealing with the fallout from all of that.
00:35:12.719 --> 00:35:13.360
Yeah.
00:35:13.760 --> 00:35:15.039
And it does make a difference.
00:35:15.119 --> 00:35:17.920
I mean, and here's the thing: I was the same way in high school.
00:35:18.159 --> 00:35:28.880
It was like, you know, you want to be kind to everyone and you want to be the person that everybody feels safe with or seen by, you know.
00:35:29.039 --> 00:35:31.679
So I I don't think it's a choice you have to make.
00:35:31.840 --> 00:35:51.280
I think I think the biggest choice is that if you are going to be spending your time and really opening your heart up to someone and revealing yourself and sharing those moments with people, those are the people that you have to just really, those inner circle people.
00:35:51.840 --> 00:35:53.840
Yeah, you have to be really selective.
00:35:54.000 --> 00:35:58.880
Yeah, I like to think of relationships in in different layers, you know.
00:35:59.039 --> 00:36:05.519
So I think of a flower and all the different petals, and then you have, you know, the inner part of it.
00:36:05.920 --> 00:36:10.480
You know, the people around the closest part are who are gonna really know you.
00:36:10.719 --> 00:36:17.280
And then I have, you know, friends on like different layers where they kind of get a different part of me.
00:36:17.599 --> 00:36:21.840
Because it's just, you know, you don't give all of yourself to everybody.
00:36:23.360 --> 00:36:33.920
Yeah, and I think we've all had experiences where you give all of yourself to the wrong person, and it can really be destructive.
00:36:34.159 --> 00:36:34.719
Yes.
00:36:35.039 --> 00:36:49.039
I'm thinking of your situation actually, and yeah, like I like even just thinking of my me, you know, having boyfriends in high school that are just wrong, you know, were just wrong for me and who I wanted to be, you know.
00:36:49.280 --> 00:36:49.679
Yeah, yeah.
00:36:49.760 --> 00:36:51.440
And I'm sure anybody can relate to that.
00:36:51.519 --> 00:36:58.480
We've all you know, if you're an adult, you've probably dated a couple people that have not been good.
00:36:59.280 --> 00:37:09.679
And I think you know, loneliness also leads to jumping into some bad relationships, not just friendships, but romantic-wise as well.
00:37:09.920 --> 00:37:10.480
It does.
00:37:10.639 --> 00:37:24.320
And let's return to the imposter syndrome for a second, because how you view yourself will greatly affect who you become close with.
00:37:24.559 --> 00:37:25.519
Oh, this is so true.
00:37:25.760 --> 00:37:30.400
So if you have low self-esteem, you're probably not gonna be picking out the best people.
00:37:30.800 --> 00:37:31.599
Absolutely.
00:37:31.760 --> 00:37:50.239
And it's like you have a low self-worth, you are going to be more likely to think, oh, I'm not good enough to be friends with that person, or I'm not, you know, who am I to talk to this person or be friends with them because you know, I I was raised in a different part of town or whatever it is.
00:37:50.480 --> 00:37:51.039
Yeah, yeah.
00:37:51.440 --> 00:37:55.440
I mean, all of the stuff we're talking about today is still stuff that I struggle with.
00:37:55.599 --> 00:38:12.400
You know, it's definitely gotten a lot better, but because I have dealt with stuff for such a prolonged time, it's not it's not like oh I got I go to church now and I I now have family that you know I'm just it's just better.
00:38:12.639 --> 00:38:21.199
It takes a lot of work, and you know, yep, I definitely still struggle with the loneliness stuff.
00:38:21.440 --> 00:38:23.840
Yeah, I mean, and it's a hard thing to break.
00:38:23.920 --> 00:38:32.559
I know I spent I didn't realize how poor my own my view of myself was until I did that coaching for six weeks.
00:38:32.719 --> 00:38:33.280
Oh, really?
00:38:33.679 --> 00:38:36.079
It was very eye-opening for me.
00:38:36.320 --> 00:38:44.719
Um, where you know, she pointed out to me very much, and this is a a root of like some of the people pleasing stuff.
00:38:44.880 --> 00:38:51.039
It's like, oh well, she always I always hear her voice, and she always would be like, Yeah, but where's Kate?
00:38:51.280 --> 00:38:52.559
Where's Kate in that?
00:38:52.719 --> 00:38:54.400
Yeah, what about Kate?
00:38:54.559 --> 00:39:08.719
Yeah, and I think you know, it shows up different for all of us, but well, you're such a person of servitude, and that's the thing with people who are just people of servitude, it's really easy to forget about your own needs.
00:39:08.800 --> 00:39:12.079
It's so true because it's I almost trait.
00:39:12.320 --> 00:39:23.360
I almost think like the servitude stuff can be like a toxic trait, like you said, because you care so much about other people's needs, you forget your own needs and you forget your own discomfort.
00:39:24.159 --> 00:39:25.280
Yeah, absolutely.
00:39:25.519 --> 00:39:33.679
Yeah, because it it literally feels like if I'm putting myself first, that I'm being like selfish or I'm yeah.
00:39:33.920 --> 00:39:41.760
Well, and see, you know, growing up, like I did, I like there's still my dad's voice in the back of the head with certain things.
00:39:42.159 --> 00:39:50.159
So, you know, like he would always say I was materialistic because I wanted to wear like a dress or something.
00:39:50.880 --> 00:39:53.039
So I would always get told I was materialistic.
00:39:53.199 --> 00:39:59.119
I would always get told I was wishy-washy, and not really that getting told that that pisses me off.
00:39:59.280 --> 00:39:59.920
What does that even mean?
00:40:00.159 --> 00:40:01.119
Wishy-washy.
00:40:01.679 --> 00:40:06.559
I like just kind of like flip back and forth between how I feel, but it's because I wasn't allowed to have feelings.
00:40:06.960 --> 00:40:07.199
Yeah.
00:40:07.440 --> 00:40:25.440
Because I had to make sure like my dad was gonna be okay, or I had to worry about other people's feelings, and so there would be like this internal struggle of my my moods being affected and my feelings being affected because I couldn't really have my own feelings.
00:40:25.599 --> 00:40:29.519
So I'd always there would always be like Kelly Murray's real wishy-washy.
00:40:29.599 --> 00:40:34.000
And I was like uh 10 and younger when this was being said to me.
00:40:35.760 --> 00:40:39.840
Yeah, 10 years old and being told you're materialistic and wishy-washy.
00:40:40.000 --> 00:40:46.239
Well, and all those things that are sewed into us at a young age, they very much become your internal voice.
00:40:46.880 --> 00:40:48.719
They're very it's very powerful.
00:40:48.880 --> 00:40:52.800
So, you know, parents, make sure you're aware of that with your children.
00:40:52.960 --> 00:40:59.119
Whatever you're sewing into them now is going to absolutely become their inner critic later.
00:40:59.360 --> 00:41:09.119
Yeah, as much as we don't, you know, you know, mainstream psychology and stuff is really brutal to people who struggle with stuff from their past.
00:41:10.079 --> 00:41:26.159
But you really have to understand neurobiology and interpersonal neurobiology to understand how connection and you know having outlets for these different things, they all play a part into our mental well-being.
00:41:26.400 --> 00:41:27.199
They really do.
00:41:27.519 --> 00:41:41.440
And any relationship you have, whether that's you know, a romantic relationship, a friendship, a relationship with a family member, your colleagues, those relationships are all training your nervous system.
00:41:42.000 --> 00:41:50.159
So that's why if you've had a really rough childhood, your nervous system is, you know, it's shot, probably in a lot of ways.
00:41:50.320 --> 00:42:05.599
And it's why it's even more important to find decent people because once you can see how they relationally are to other people within those groups, you can start having a perspective outside of what you've experienced.
00:42:05.760 --> 00:42:20.559
So that's been a big thing for me, is you know, like when Kate and I reconnected, I was in a very bitter and cynical place when it came to people because that's all I have seen is people just be shitty.
00:42:21.199 --> 00:42:47.039
And now I'm getting a glimpse of what it looks like when you know, it's not saying that these people are perfect, that's not the case, but they model healthier behavior, they have there are people with boundaries, there are people that are striving to do better and to treat people around them well, and so seeing that as helped is training my nervous system it right now in this moment.
00:42:47.360 --> 00:42:48.960
Yeah, you're right.
00:42:49.840 --> 00:43:06.000
And I think there's some practical things that you could do to try to help if you're in a situation where you're feeling lonely, whether it's you're lonely because you don't have people, or whether it's lonely, you're lonely because the people that you have are not seeing you um in your life.
00:43:06.159 --> 00:43:19.679
But I think one of the top things, and I know it sounds a little bit harsh, and this may not apply to everybody, but I I can think of us, I can think of several people in my mind that I watch this play out with.
00:43:19.760 --> 00:43:25.119
And I think if you're an introverted person, this is probably going to be something that you're more apt to do.
00:43:25.360 --> 00:43:28.320
But a lot of us wait to be invited.
00:43:28.559 --> 00:43:37.840
We wait, it's like we're we're waiting for someone else to approach us or we're waiting on that connection.
00:43:38.079 --> 00:43:41.840
We're not willing to take the bull by the horns and go make it ourselves because it's scary.
00:43:42.000 --> 00:43:42.400
It is scary.
00:43:42.719 --> 00:43:50.719
It's hard to do, and you're you're no, you're putting yourself in a position that's vulnerable, you're putting yourself in a position that you know could potentially let you down.
00:43:50.880 --> 00:43:57.199
So I understand completely, but you have to stop waiting to be approached by others.
00:43:57.440 --> 00:44:03.039
You have got to take a step, whether it's like, Kelly mentioned, I was like, maybe it's the cashier at the gas station.
00:44:03.440 --> 00:44:04.000
Start small steps.
00:44:04.159 --> 00:44:13.119
Start taking those small steps to just show yourself, like, hey, if I reach out to somebody, is it is it gonna, you know, what's gonna happen?
00:44:13.280 --> 00:44:14.960
What's the worst that could happen?
00:44:15.119 --> 00:44:20.800
You know, um, reach out to somebody and ask, hey, would you be interested in going to have coffee?
00:44:20.960 --> 00:44:24.000
Yeah, and it's something you like to do and are comfortable doing.
00:44:24.239 --> 00:44:28.960
Yeah, when I was going through what I went through a couple years ago, that's actually what happened.
00:44:29.039 --> 00:44:47.119
So Marissa, she reached out to me, and I had only met her, you know, like one other time, but God had put me on her heart, and she saw that I was really struggling, and she reached out, and that meant a lot.
00:44:47.360 --> 00:44:55.039
We went and had lunch, and you know, that helped get me out of this darkness that started that climb out.
00:44:55.280 --> 00:45:01.519
And there was a couple other people around this time that reached out and was like, Hey, let's go have lunch.
00:45:01.679 --> 00:45:04.960
Yeah, and those kind of things were just so helpful.
00:45:05.280 --> 00:45:08.880
So if you see somebody struggling, that's what I was just thinking.
00:45:08.960 --> 00:45:09.440
Yeah, yeah.
00:45:09.519 --> 00:45:13.920
If you see somebody struggling, like take that effort to be like, hey, let's go have lunch.
00:45:14.079 --> 00:45:18.159
It could be all the difference, and I know it was the difference for me.
00:45:18.320 --> 00:45:25.840
There's so many people I can name right now that that noticed I was really not in a good place and they took an effort.
00:45:25.920 --> 00:45:30.719
You know, I I see a lot of people say, Oh, if you're ever lonely, just reach out.
00:45:31.039 --> 00:45:33.679
People who are really struggling, they're not gonna do that.
00:45:33.920 --> 00:45:40.159
I feel like we people who are are in a better place have to take, you know, some of it a proactive approach.
00:45:40.320 --> 00:45:57.360
Sometimes people just need that hand held out to them, and then they know when people know that they have support, even if it's something very minute as just going to lunch, people can they can accomplish anything and get over every anything.
00:45:57.519 --> 00:45:58.639
It really is true.
00:45:58.800 --> 00:45:59.760
It's so true.
00:45:59.920 --> 00:46:15.599
And and absolutely, as a Christian, when you're in church and you see that person that just jets out after church every Sunday and just like pieces out, doesn't you know make eye contact, runs out, runs out of the place?
00:46:16.079 --> 00:46:21.519
And if you're that person, by the way, that does not help you at all.
00:46:21.840 --> 00:46:30.320
No, um, but be aware of those people that are doing that and maybe stop them, stop them and and ask, you know, hey, how are you doing?
00:46:30.480 --> 00:46:34.559
Is you know, do you ever do you ever like going out for coffee or anything?
00:46:34.880 --> 00:46:36.159
Do you ever like to join our group?
00:46:36.400 --> 00:46:39.039
Like goes out for coffee, like we have a group that goes out for coffee, you know.
00:46:39.119 --> 00:46:40.079
I've done that so many times.
00:46:40.320 --> 00:46:50.559
And another thing about lonely, there's probably matter with you saying that is, you know, you would be surprised about the people who do think about you and worried about you.
00:46:51.119 --> 00:46:55.119
There was like a there was like a week or two I wasn't at church or something.
00:46:55.679 --> 00:47:04.000
This woman I've never even really talked to at church, she came up to me and was like, I was worried about you because I didn't see you.
00:47:04.480 --> 00:47:07.360
And we've never had a conversation before, but I love that.
00:47:07.599 --> 00:47:08.320
Now we have.
00:47:08.559 --> 00:47:14.159
And it was just like, wow, like you never know who's actually noticing you, and they might be too scared to reach out.
00:47:14.400 --> 00:47:21.519
I mean, we do live in in different times right now with the with social anxiety is a big issue for a lot of people.
00:47:21.760 --> 00:47:22.880
Yep, yep.
00:47:23.119 --> 00:47:33.280
Well, and and another another thing that I would say too, as a as a tip to just kind of take steps out of this loneliness cycle is you just gotta find one person.
00:47:33.519 --> 00:47:34.800
You don't gotta have 50.
00:47:34.960 --> 00:47:39.840
I know we said that, but I mean, all you gotta find is that one person that's willing to hear you.
00:47:40.000 --> 00:47:41.599
And we've talked about it on other episodes.
00:47:41.760 --> 00:47:49.199
All when somebody's really struggling, all they need is eight minutes of somebody listening to help regulate their their nervous system.
00:47:49.280 --> 00:47:55.440
And I think that says a lot, you know, and honestly, I've noticed that God overdelivers on that.
00:47:55.599 --> 00:47:58.239
So if you ask him for one, he'll usually give you more.
00:47:59.119 --> 00:48:08.159
But but pray and ask God to to bring somebody to you and and be very aware in and of those things.
00:48:08.320 --> 00:48:11.199
When you see people trying to connect with you, don't push them away.
00:48:11.360 --> 00:48:13.760
Don't assume that you're gonna be a burden on them.
00:48:14.000 --> 00:48:15.119
Take them up on it.
00:48:15.360 --> 00:48:17.119
I mean, it's scary, yes.
00:48:17.199 --> 00:48:21.039
And of course, for a people pleaser like me, it's like somebody says, Oh, can I take you out to lunch?
00:48:21.119 --> 00:48:25.199
I'm like, oh no, you you don't have to do that, you know.
00:48:25.599 --> 00:48:30.159
Don't assume that they're she's the worst at not letting people do nice things for her.
00:48:30.320 --> 00:48:33.280
Yeah, don't assume that people are making you a charity case.
00:48:33.360 --> 00:48:35.119
Maybe they just want to get to know you.
00:48:35.280 --> 00:48:36.960
Um, where's my mic?
00:48:37.119 --> 00:48:38.800
Oh, there goes your mic.
00:48:39.039 --> 00:48:40.800
I do this every time.
00:48:41.679 --> 00:48:46.719
Um, another thing, real quick, I think that could be super helpful.
00:48:46.880 --> 00:48:49.920
Oh my gosh, that she carries this one in her purse, by the way.
00:48:50.480 --> 00:48:51.039
I found it.
00:48:51.199 --> 00:48:52.639
I found it at work yesterday.
00:48:52.880 --> 00:48:55.039
You never know when you're gonna need a mic drop on something.
00:48:55.280 --> 00:48:57.440
Oh my gosh, that's so funny.
00:48:57.920 --> 00:49:03.039
Um anyways, anyways, tell some reach out and tell somebody how you're doing.
00:49:03.119 --> 00:49:11.920
I have a friend that is very isolated, and um yeah, I'm grateful that they reached out to me because they were really struggling.
00:49:12.000 --> 00:49:16.480
They've they've done this several times, and that's the key.
00:49:16.639 --> 00:49:19.920
You get you have to reach out to somebody and be honest about how you're doing.
00:49:20.000 --> 00:49:34.800
If you're struggling, if you're depressed, if you're lonely, if you just need somebody, reach out to somebody because most people, most people, not all people, but most people are going to be kind and try to meet that, meet you there.
00:49:34.880 --> 00:49:37.440
Um, maybe it's a text, maybe it's a call, I don't know.
00:49:37.679 --> 00:49:41.599
But do reach out and tell somebody how you're actually doing because I think that matters.
00:49:41.679 --> 00:49:48.960
If you're struggling with depression, anxiety, whatever, you gotta let people know that you're struggling, otherwise they can't help you.
00:49:49.039 --> 00:49:49.360
Yeah.
00:49:49.519 --> 00:49:53.599
And you can't expect people to just be able to see it because they don't always see it.
00:49:53.760 --> 00:49:54.000
Yeah.
00:49:54.639 --> 00:49:57.440
And you know, the topic here is loneliness.
00:49:57.679 --> 00:50:00.559
You can't fight loneliness while you're lonely.
00:50:00.719 --> 00:50:08.800
You have to have have people, and there's small things you can do until you find really find, you know, your community.
00:50:08.960 --> 00:50:12.159
You know, I I wasn't born into having community.
00:50:12.320 --> 00:50:22.159
I've really had to work to have what I have right now, and so there is a little bit of effort on your part to do that, but it is possible.
00:50:22.480 --> 00:50:24.559
And well, I don't just pray.
00:50:24.960 --> 00:50:27.760
Galatians 6 tells us to bear one another's burdens.
00:50:28.000 --> 00:50:31.280
Yeah, you know, and that's that's just it, that's what it is.
00:50:31.519 --> 00:50:31.920
Yep.
00:50:32.079 --> 00:50:34.639
Yep, let people carry those burdens with you.
00:50:34.800 --> 00:50:51.679
I think you know, the overall sentiment of the last couple years with Kate and this new community I have is these people have been willing to carry my burdens with me, and that's made all the difference compared to past relationships where everybody's kind of just telling me to shut up, I need to get over it.
00:50:52.079 --> 00:50:53.039
They're putting burdens on you.
00:50:53.199 --> 00:50:58.960
Yeah, they're putting burdens on me, and the people I have around me now help me carry that burden.
00:50:59.280 --> 00:51:00.159
That's a huge difference.
00:51:00.400 --> 00:51:01.199
It's a huge difference.
00:51:02.079 --> 00:51:06.639
That's the difference between healthy relationships and not healthy relationships.
00:51:07.280 --> 00:51:18.480
Um one other thing, too, that I'll say is that if if you're feeling isolated, one of the best ways to get out of that is to serve others.
00:51:18.719 --> 00:51:22.159
So yeah, purpose creates connection.
00:51:22.639 --> 00:51:26.719
So if there's opportunities, which there's always opportunities in every single town, by the way.
00:51:27.280 --> 00:51:28.000
Especially ours.
00:51:28.239 --> 00:51:30.719
There is always opportunities to serve others.
00:51:30.960 --> 00:51:34.320
So obviously, I started up with Minmo in our community.
00:51:34.559 --> 00:51:42.480
And so if if you're in our community, reach out to me and I'll be absolutely totally willing and able to find you ways to serve.
00:51:42.639 --> 00:51:44.159
Serve in your church, get involved.
00:51:44.239 --> 00:51:48.559
Don't be that person that just pieces out and exits after church every Sunday.
00:51:48.719 --> 00:51:52.400
You know, our church sets up and cleans up every single week in the YMCA.
00:51:52.480 --> 00:51:55.679
So it takes an enormous amount of people to make that happen.
00:51:56.000 --> 00:52:01.360
So there's so many opportunities for you to get involved, and that's how you get to know people.
00:52:01.440 --> 00:52:03.760
That's that's how those connections get formed.
00:52:03.840 --> 00:52:11.360
But you have to like sis, if you're running up out of church every Sunday, you're not giving anybody a chance to connect with you.
00:52:11.599 --> 00:52:13.440
So try.
00:52:13.599 --> 00:52:18.079
I know it's scary and it can feel awkward, but everybody else feels awkward.
00:52:18.239 --> 00:52:19.199
Yeah, that's a secret.
00:52:19.440 --> 00:52:24.400
If you just remember that everybody's feeling awkward, everybody thinks like I'm not nervous talking to all these people.
00:52:24.559 --> 00:52:24.960
I am.
00:52:25.119 --> 00:52:26.480
There's a lot of times I am.
00:52:26.719 --> 00:52:28.480
Yes, I just do it anyways.
00:52:28.559 --> 00:52:30.000
I don't I don't care if I stutter.
00:52:30.079 --> 00:52:32.880
If you hear me stutter, then I you heard it twice.
00:52:33.119 --> 00:52:33.519
You know?
00:52:33.760 --> 00:52:34.880
Well, and that's just it.
00:52:34.960 --> 00:52:36.480
Feelings aren't always facts.
00:52:36.639 --> 00:52:37.280
Exactly.
00:52:37.519 --> 00:52:41.280
And um, you know, feeling alone doesn't mean you're abandoned.
00:52:41.519 --> 00:52:47.360
So um, you know, if I this I will say just to kind of wrap this up because we are at work, yeah.
00:52:47.599 --> 00:52:53.440
If you're feeling lonely today, leave us a comment that simply says, pray for me.
00:52:53.679 --> 00:52:58.960
You don't have to give us any details at all or your whole story, but we would be honored to pray for you.
00:52:59.039 --> 00:53:01.519
Um, that God would build that community in your life.
00:53:01.599 --> 00:53:06.800
And I know our community that's watching this channel would absolutely be praying for you as well.
00:53:06.960 --> 00:53:09.679
Um, again, we are here for you.
00:53:09.840 --> 00:53:16.000
You are not alone, and you can always reach out to us at carpalconfessions podcast at gmail.com as well.
00:53:16.159 --> 00:53:19.599
If you need that touch point, we're happy to talk to you as well.
00:53:19.840 --> 00:53:20.400
Absolutely.
00:53:20.639 --> 00:53:20.960
Yep.
00:53:21.199 --> 00:53:24.079
So we are every Monday at 7 a.m.
00:53:24.480 --> 00:53:26.480
And we look forward to seeing you next time.
00:53:26.800 --> 00:53:27.360
Bye.
00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:02.160
You know, the topic here is loneliness.
00:00:02.399 --> 00:00:05.280
You can't fight loneliness while you're lonely.
00:00:05.440 --> 00:00:13.519
You have to have people and there's small things you can do until you find really find, you know, your community.
00:00:13.679 --> 00:00:16.960
You know, I I wasn't working to have a community.
00:00:17.039 --> 00:00:20.079
I've really had the work to have what I have right now.
00:00:20.480 --> 00:00:26.960
So there is a little bit of effort on your part to do that, but it is possible.
00:00:30.800 --> 00:00:35.200
Good morning and welcome to PowerPoint Confession Podcast.
00:00:35.439 --> 00:00:38.079
We are here on another sunny Monday.
00:00:38.320 --> 00:00:38.560
Yes.
00:00:38.799 --> 00:00:42.479
We are pulling out of sight instructor if you're familiar with Mexico.
00:00:42.640 --> 00:00:42.880
Yeah.
00:00:43.119 --> 00:00:52.799
We gotta stop to get ourselves situated because we are doing this the safe way, despite what some comments have that have been left on our some of our posts.
00:00:53.039 --> 00:00:55.840
I promise we're being as safe as possible.
00:00:56.079 --> 00:00:56.399
Yeah.
00:00:56.799 --> 00:00:59.759
If there's any handling, I I do that.
00:01:00.399 --> 00:01:03.840
And you know, I'm always looking around as well.
00:01:04.159 --> 00:01:13.519
Yeah, we uh really are trying, you know, honestly, is so much just a conversation between us, and that's what makes it fun, I think.
00:01:13.680 --> 00:01:14.400
I think so too.
00:01:14.640 --> 00:01:20.159
Because we just can kind of go back and forth and be real and honest and safe.
00:01:20.480 --> 00:01:23.439
Yeah, and then we just decided to add a camera to the mix.
00:01:23.599 --> 00:01:25.040
That's right, that's right.
00:01:25.280 --> 00:01:37.680
Um, well, today we're gonna be talking about a topic that I know is a very prevalent issue um right now, and that is loneliness.
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Loneliness.
00:01:38.719 --> 00:01:48.879
Isn't that so interesting in a time where we have not been more connected that the there's a literal loneliness epidemic happening?
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Yeah, it's it's actually really crazy because like we've never been like technology has made it possible to talk to people literally all over the world, and we're more lonely than ever, which is interesting.
00:02:04.159 --> 00:02:05.359
It's so interesting.
00:02:05.599 --> 00:02:06.879
I wonder I wonder why that is.
00:02:06.959 --> 00:02:10.560
Like, I feel like social media is like we it's like we get very surface level.
00:02:10.719 --> 00:02:12.400
Yeah, maybe that's what it is.
00:02:12.719 --> 00:02:24.560
I think with social media, again, it's very surface level, and there is a lot of discourse over sharing and being vulnerable on Facebook.
00:02:24.719 --> 00:02:57.840
I mean, I see it all the time, like I see people making fun of people who cry on the internet or do this or do that, and I I think you're not expanding your mind enough if you get to a place and you're shaming people for sharing that sort of stuff online because you know, as we evolve and technology evolves, there's just new ways of doing things, and I don't I don't think there's anything wrong with being vulnerable on the internet or or crying on the internet or sharing your truth.
00:02:58.400 --> 00:03:18.000
Um, we just live in a different time where we are able to do that, and I think that's actually a a beautiful thing that people can be so vulnerable on online because those people who are willing to step into that discomfort and share that, uh, it makes me feel less alone, actually.
00:03:18.159 --> 00:03:19.120
Yeah, I agree.
00:03:19.199 --> 00:03:21.599
I mean, that's like what we're doing here, yeah.
00:03:21.840 --> 00:03:22.479
Exactly.
00:03:22.639 --> 00:03:26.240
Trying to just make sure people understand that they're not alone in their struggles.
00:03:26.400 --> 00:03:27.360
No, you're not.
00:03:27.759 --> 00:03:35.360
And I mean I feel like too, like on social media, I don't know that you can really be fully known.
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Does that make sense?
00:03:36.719 --> 00:03:38.000
I think that makes perfect sense.
00:03:38.159 --> 00:03:39.280
So I don't think so either.
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It's something I've really struggled with, especially the last couple of years.
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I've I've actually posted about this before about wanting to have people in the flesh, you know, like real moments with real people in person.
00:03:56.319 --> 00:04:12.960
And it's not that I'm not grateful for the online community that I've cultivated for myself, but it only can go so far, and and in some ways it has helped my loneliness, but in other ways it has exasperated my loneliness.
00:04:13.199 --> 00:04:13.840
Yeah.
00:04:14.080 --> 00:04:23.600
Well, it and you think about it too, is like when people are posting on Facebook, they're putting us whatever foot forward that they want for people to see.
00:04:23.680 --> 00:04:42.399
Some people are more honest than others, some people are only showing the highlights, you know, some people are you know using it as a way to just share their thoughts and feelings, but also the risk is that you have a lot more people out there to give you a hard time about it.
00:04:42.560 --> 00:04:42.959
Oh, yeah.
00:04:43.279 --> 00:04:48.560
You have a lot, you know, it's it's not the same as sitting down with someone over coffee, it's just not.
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It's yeah, it can't online community cannot replace being seen in the flesh, you know.
00:04:58.240 --> 00:05:12.480
Well, and it's it's I think, and I know you've experienced this too, but when people are online, they become so brave and they say things that they would never have the courage to say to someone.
00:05:13.120 --> 00:05:14.319
Keyboard warriors.
00:05:14.480 --> 00:05:22.639
Yeah, I mean, it's there's so many opportunities for hurt on without consequence on social media.
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I have a story about that.
00:05:24.800 --> 00:05:33.360
Um years ago, so this would have been when my 16-year-old daughter was a baby, like not even a year old yet.
00:05:33.920 --> 00:05:46.720
I was in Walmart after working like an evening shift, so this was you know, mid of middle of the evening, and you know, just going up and down the aisles, and my phone started blowing up.
00:05:46.879 --> 00:05:48.240
And I'm like, what the heck?
00:05:48.399 --> 00:05:50.879
You know, I tried to ignore it, but it just kept going off.
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So I pick up my phone and open it, and I got sent a screenshot of where an individual had taken a picture off my Facebook of when I was a child.
00:06:02.079 --> 00:06:08.879
They cropped a penis in my mouth, oh my gosh, and bunny ears, and put daddy's little girl over it.
00:06:09.040 --> 00:06:10.399
Oh my gosh.
00:06:10.639 --> 00:06:14.639
And um oh my, that is case in point right there.
00:06:14.879 --> 00:06:20.480
Yeah, um doing things like that without consequence, without consequence, yeah.
00:06:20.639 --> 00:06:23.839
And talk about feeling violated.
00:06:24.000 --> 00:06:35.600
I don't even know the words to explain how I felt, but it just felt like somebody just took the worst thing I've ever been through and made it into a joke and put posted it on the internet.
00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:36.560
That's horrible.
00:06:36.959 --> 00:06:39.759
Well, if there was consequences, unfortunately, it was on you.
00:06:39.920 --> 00:06:41.839
Yeah, the consequences were on me.
00:06:42.160 --> 00:06:47.600
And because of who the individuals were, because it was actually two people involved.
00:06:47.759 --> 00:06:58.639
Um, I couldn't really seek justice for that because I had to worry about how that would affect people that I love in my life, how it would affect them.
00:06:59.040 --> 00:07:04.160
So it's definitely one of those situations where I just like really had to be the bigger person.
00:07:04.800 --> 00:07:31.600
And um, but it it was awful, and like it still bothers me, me today, you know, to so the internet is is just it it's a great thing, and I definitely want to have an episode where I talk about the beauty of technology and and that sort of online community, but it can really be used to hurt a lot of people.
00:07:31.920 --> 00:07:32.720
It really can.
00:07:32.879 --> 00:07:44.240
And if you think about it, when something like that gets put online and then all of a sudden everyone in your world is seeing it, uh-huh, that had to have made you feel incredibly lonely.
00:07:44.480 --> 00:07:49.600
It made me feel incredibly lonely because now it's like feels like the world is just against you.
00:07:50.000 --> 00:07:54.639
Yeah, that that's exactly how it felt, and that's so hard.
00:07:54.879 --> 00:07:56.000
It was so hard.
00:07:56.160 --> 00:08:01.120
Um, I will say it did end up bringing me closer with the person.
00:08:01.279 --> 00:08:03.600
It's somebody you know that we went to school with.
00:08:03.759 --> 00:08:08.720
I've always known who she was, but we weren't like friends per se.
00:08:09.199 --> 00:08:18.399
But when that post went up and people saw that, like people that didn't even really know me did come to my defense because they were like, that is messed up.
00:08:18.480 --> 00:08:23.600
I mean, there's drama, but going that low is a whole different level.
00:08:23.839 --> 00:08:25.439
So this is evil, yeah.
00:08:26.000 --> 00:08:34.000
Yeah, it's evil, but yeah, I did feel super alone, especially given what the material was making fun of.
00:08:34.159 --> 00:08:36.240
I can't even believe, like, I just can't even fathom.
00:08:36.480 --> 00:08:36.960
That's just it.
00:08:37.039 --> 00:08:54.000
It's like that is a perfect example of why people are feeling incredibly lonely and isolated because normal relationships, that kind of thing, there's going to be way less opportunity for people.
00:08:54.080 --> 00:09:05.519
Now, I'm not saying people in the flesh aren't gonna treat you poorly because you are, but man, you get the whole entire social media network now seeing all this stuff, and it's just like that's incredibly isolating.
00:09:05.759 --> 00:09:23.919
Well, yeah, and then things also get super one-sided because we all have our you know, friends on our thing, and then they have their friends, and so you're only getting you know those individual perspectives and instead of like what actually is the situation here that caused it to get like this.
00:09:24.559 --> 00:09:29.519
So yeah, yeah, and it's not good for your health at all.
00:09:29.759 --> 00:09:31.120
No, it's not good for your health.
00:09:31.360 --> 00:09:35.440
Loneliness, there's actually statistics on how it affects your health.
00:09:35.600 --> 00:09:45.679
Yeah, uh, I actually saw one that said that um it is comparable, it creates health risks comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes per day.
00:09:45.759 --> 00:09:47.279
And I was like, what?
00:09:48.080 --> 00:09:50.080
Yeah, um, and that's legit.
00:09:50.159 --> 00:09:56.559
The Surgeon General like looked at years and years of studies and made that conclusion, and it's like, what?
00:09:57.200 --> 00:09:59.039
Like that's crazy.
00:09:59.360 --> 00:09:59.840
Yeah.
00:10:00.320 --> 00:10:06.480
It actually makes me really hurt for like the people in nursing homes that don't have anybody visiting them because I'm like, oh, they're just there.
00:10:06.639 --> 00:10:07.440
You know what I'm saying?
00:10:07.679 --> 00:10:08.480
No, it's so good.
00:10:08.639 --> 00:10:12.000
And it's like they're that's not good for their health.
00:10:12.240 --> 00:10:14.320
No, it's not, and it makes me really sad.
00:10:14.639 --> 00:10:16.080
It makes me really sad, yeah.
00:10:16.240 --> 00:10:25.519
Um, it's it's something I've experienced my entire life and definitely different types of loneliness too.
00:10:26.000 --> 00:10:40.879
I worked completely remote for over 10 years, and I went through the death of my mother while I worked remote fully and oh my gosh.
00:10:41.519 --> 00:10:46.559
I felt my mother's death highlighted a bunch of different loneliness in me.
00:10:46.960 --> 00:10:50.639
Um, for one, I did, like I said, I work from home.
00:10:51.120 --> 00:11:05.600
Darius and I don't really have family involved with us, and so I remember my mom's funeral, or it was really her visitation, she didn't have a funeral, and there like hardly anybody came.
00:11:06.240 --> 00:11:10.000
There was like really nobody that came, and that made me hurt so bad.
00:11:10.320 --> 00:11:13.200
And um, I'm so sorry.
00:11:13.360 --> 00:11:13.759
That's okay.
00:11:14.080 --> 00:11:15.600
I wish I would have known like been in the world.
00:11:15.759 --> 00:11:17.840
Well, yeah, we were we weren't close then.
00:11:18.000 --> 00:11:18.399
I know.
00:11:18.559 --> 00:11:20.000
We were just living different lives.
00:11:20.159 --> 00:11:20.799
I know.
00:11:21.039 --> 00:11:23.679
So I don't like blame you or anything.
00:11:24.080 --> 00:11:25.440
I know, but it's still sad.
00:11:25.600 --> 00:11:28.720
I know, and I absolutely your mom did come to my mom's funeral.
00:11:28.879 --> 00:11:29.200
She did?
00:11:29.360 --> 00:11:30.799
Yeah, your mom did come, yeah.
00:11:31.039 --> 00:11:32.159
She did, she showed up.
00:11:32.399 --> 00:11:36.240
See, you always had a you always had a support system back there.
00:11:36.320 --> 00:11:38.559
You just didn't realize it just wasn't surfaced again.
00:11:38.799 --> 00:11:53.840
Yeah, it just wasn't surface and again, just that um imposter syndrome of I think that's what I was trying to get to when we were talking about imposter syndrome is my imposter syndrome was so bad that I didn't even I felt like I couldn't come to your mom and your dad anymore.
00:11:53.919 --> 00:11:55.279
Like they did their thing.
00:11:55.600 --> 00:11:56.480
Yeah, well.
00:11:57.200 --> 00:12:05.200
Yeah, and and that's something that can prevent people from having connections, which is what what which something we'll talk about here for sure in a minute.
00:12:05.360 --> 00:12:22.639
But yeah, I mean having like most people when they think loneliness, they think of people like like elderly people in a nursing home or people working remote or who don't have family, like physically, you don't have people in your circle, like you're just very isolated.
00:12:22.799 --> 00:12:25.279
Uh, and that is the case for a lot of people.
00:12:25.440 --> 00:12:27.360
I mean, there are a lot of people in that situation.
00:12:27.519 --> 00:12:31.919
Maybe your spouse passed away and you're, you know, you're living on your own and you don't have a lot of family.
00:12:32.080 --> 00:12:39.200
Maybe your kids, you know, moved across the country and you don't have any family close by, and that's extremely hard.
00:12:39.440 --> 00:12:40.159
It is so hard.
00:12:40.320 --> 00:12:51.519
Um, you know, I I know that I rely heavily so much on my on your people that I just can't even imagine well life is yeah.
00:12:51.600 --> 00:12:54.480
I mean, life is exponentially harder in every way.
00:12:54.559 --> 00:13:00.159
I mean, there's been times I've gotten a flat tire or my battery has died, and it's like, who do I call?
00:13:00.240 --> 00:13:00.639
Mm-hmm.
00:13:00.799 --> 00:13:02.559
I don't have anybody to call.
00:13:02.799 --> 00:13:06.720
So when things like that happen, it could just make you feel very lonely.
00:13:06.799 --> 00:13:13.679
But there's there's also different types of loneliness, like spiritual loneliness.
00:13:13.840 --> 00:13:17.679
That's something that I've really I feel like every Christian experiences.
00:13:18.240 --> 00:13:33.120
Oh, I have definitely experienced a lot of that, especially with like growing up as a Jehovah's Witness, and then you know, I've been around other faiths, and then being around people who are super atheists, and which is fine.
00:13:33.200 --> 00:13:59.440
I if you're atheists, like I have no problem with that, but you I feel like there needs to be like a mutual respect, and I haven't met that a lot when it comes to atheism atheism, and so that can that has made me feel very alone because you know I felt like I couldn't really share how I felt about God or or anything because it just didn't seem accepted anywhere.
00:13:59.679 --> 00:14:10.399
Yeah, well, and I you're gonna experience this in your walk too, now that you've kind of come back to uh trying to get to really dive deep into your faith.
00:14:10.559 --> 00:14:16.320
And this is something that I can see that's it's have it's kind of similar, it's akin to marriage.
00:14:16.559 --> 00:14:23.279
You know, marriage kind of has these times where you kind of feel more distant from each other, and then it has times when you feel closer to each other.
00:14:23.440 --> 00:14:36.320
Um, the really important thing that I will always remember that my father-in-law told me is like the really important thing is that you remember that at least one person has to make an effort to come back to bring it back together, and that's the same thing with faith.
00:14:36.559 --> 00:14:44.000
It's like sometimes in your Christian walk, so don't be surprised when this happens because it will, you will start feeling extremely distant from God.
00:14:44.080 --> 00:15:03.440
Like you'll start feeling like he's not there there, and he very much is, but um, but that's a very much a spiritual loneliness that I think all of us go through, but it is very hard if you feel like you can't hear God, you feel like you're distant from God or you're disappointing God.
00:15:03.919 --> 00:15:11.679
That's a whole nother like level of loneliness that we don't talk about a lot, but it happens to everybody.
00:15:11.840 --> 00:15:27.840
I know like all of my Christian friends, we've had this conversation, it it and that's again the importance of having friends that can help kind of pull you out of it and and draw you into making that, you know, building that relationship up again.
00:15:27.919 --> 00:15:32.639
And it's it's you know, God doesn't go anywhere, but we just mentally go somewhere else.
00:15:32.879 --> 00:15:36.960
Like we start focusing on other things or you know, getting well, and there's a lot of reasons for that.
00:15:37.039 --> 00:15:48.000
It's you know it's preposter syndrome, it's people pleasing, it's having anxiety, um all of those things can yeah, make us feel separated from God.
00:15:48.240 --> 00:15:49.600
Absolutely, for sure.
00:15:49.840 --> 00:15:59.039
Well, and another kind of loneliness that I know I have experienced, and I know I haven't talked about this a whole lot, but um, and that's emotional loneliness.
00:15:59.279 --> 00:16:04.320
So you may have people around you, so you may be married, but feel so alone.
00:16:04.559 --> 00:16:15.360
And you know, I know I haven't talked a lot about this on the podcast, and I have a really great relationship, but one reality about my relationship is that my husband and I don't share the same faith.
00:16:15.519 --> 00:16:40.559
Like yeah, my and now my teenage sons, they've completely abandoned it as well, and so going, you know, being somebody that churches everything to me, going to you know, church every Sunday alone and not having family to pray with, not having that, you know, that connection, that faith connection at home is so hard.
00:16:40.720 --> 00:16:41.919
Thank God for Brady.
00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:46.399
He's like my eight-year-old, he's gonna be a little preacher someday.
00:16:46.559 --> 00:16:51.039
So God gave him a few extra doses, I think, to keep me sane.
00:16:51.279 --> 00:16:56.879
But um, but yeah, I mean, people that have just because you have people around you doesn't mean you're not lonely.
00:16:57.039 --> 00:16:57.519
Oh, yeah.
00:16:57.840 --> 00:17:01.279
In fact, some of the most lonely people I know have people around them.
00:17:01.440 --> 00:17:02.960
Well, and that's the thing too.
00:17:03.200 --> 00:17:12.880
Um, you know, I am I think most people wouldn't think that I would feel lonely because I'm so good at talking to so many people.
00:17:13.039 --> 00:17:15.039
Like I can befriend anybody.
00:17:15.200 --> 00:17:19.279
I can sit on a plane with you and know your whole life story by the time the plane lands.
00:17:19.920 --> 00:17:21.680
But I don't get that in return.
00:17:21.839 --> 00:17:31.200
I'm the person that typically pours into other people and reaches out and creates the motion, but I don't experience that in my life.
00:17:31.359 --> 00:17:36.880
You're the you're the only person that really like tries to do anything with me.
00:17:37.359 --> 00:17:44.480
Well, and I just gotta say, knowing people and feeling seen are two totally different things.
00:17:44.720 --> 00:17:45.440
Absolutely.
00:17:45.680 --> 00:17:57.759
Because you can know hundreds of people, but they if they don't see you, you know, if you're not at that level with them, it's very, it's a very lonely place.
00:17:58.000 --> 00:17:58.880
Yeah, it is.
00:17:59.119 --> 00:18:08.640
I remember whenever I was returning to the faith 10 or so, well, it's probably been like more like 12 years ago, 11, 12 years ago.
00:18:08.880 --> 00:18:46.079
Um I was very isolated because I was coming from a background where I all my friends that I hung around with, we partied together, we um, you know, we had really bad potty mouths all the time, and you know, it's like the standard like living in the world type situation, which I'm not judging anyone that's there, but I'm just saying that whenever you make that change, especially when you make that change, and then your spouse doesn't make that change with you, oof, yeah, that is incredibly hard.
00:18:46.400 --> 00:18:55.440
So whenever I decided it to return, you know, to the faith, and then I had my husband at home going, like, you've changed so much.
00:18:55.599 --> 00:18:56.480
Like, who are you?
00:18:56.559 --> 00:18:59.359
Like, you're not the person that I married because I wasn't.
00:18:59.440 --> 00:19:02.880
I was totally different after you know, coming to the faith.
00:19:03.039 --> 00:19:12.720
And um, so that's a whole nother layer of challenge, I will say, uh, in a marriage, and we'll probably have an episode someday on that.
00:19:12.799 --> 00:19:15.599
I mean, I definitely want to make sure to talk it over with my husband, you know.
00:19:15.680 --> 00:19:17.359
I want to make sure I'm respectful of him as well.
00:19:17.759 --> 00:19:18.400
Right, yeah, for sure.
00:19:18.880 --> 00:19:20.160
He's on his own journey too.
00:19:20.319 --> 00:19:31.920
It's not my place to tell him, you know, you have to be saved, you know, saying like God's working on him, and I have seen that so much in our relationship, but it doesn't make it any less lonely.
00:19:32.079 --> 00:19:33.039
I mean, it really doesn't.
00:19:33.279 --> 00:19:34.960
No, yeah, that would be hard.
00:19:35.200 --> 00:19:35.920
It really is.
00:19:36.079 --> 00:19:42.720
And and I think that whenever I did come to the faith, I had no friends that shared that with me.
00:19:42.880 --> 00:19:44.720
Those old friends started to kind of fall away.
00:19:44.799 --> 00:19:46.640
You've witnessed that same thing.
00:19:46.960 --> 00:19:53.680
And then I had a friend at work that kind of really pushed me to the next level.
00:19:53.839 --> 00:19:58.480
I'm I noticed her like reading her Bible and doing like she worked for me actually at MFA.
00:19:58.640 --> 00:19:58.799
Okay.
00:19:59.200 --> 00:20:02.720
And I I'd never seen anyone reading a Bible at work before.
00:20:02.880 --> 00:20:04.880
I was like, what is it Marissa?
00:20:05.839 --> 00:20:08.559
No, like I could see Marissa doing that.
00:20:08.799 --> 00:20:11.359
Um, but yeah, so no, it was Christina.
00:20:11.440 --> 00:20:13.759
Um, shout out Christina, you're at the volume.
00:20:14.000 --> 00:20:20.000
Um, but I think we all have those people in our life where we can just like look back and we're like, yeah, that person like really changed things for me.
00:20:20.079 --> 00:20:22.480
And that was somebody that really changed things for me.
00:20:22.559 --> 00:20:27.759
But I remember when she quit, like she was like my one person that I could talk to about my faith.
00:20:28.079 --> 00:20:32.880
And when she quit MFA, I was so devastated.
00:20:33.039 --> 00:20:36.000
Oh, because I was like, now I don't have anybody.
00:20:36.240 --> 00:20:36.720
Yeah, that's it.
00:20:36.960 --> 00:20:47.039
And this workplace is so worldly, and I don't have anybody to like hold me accountable and talk to me about things that are important to me now.
00:20:47.200 --> 00:20:50.960
You know, that was really devastating whenever she quit.
00:20:51.039 --> 00:20:58.160
And I remember praying to God and just being like, God, I remember I was on I-70.
00:20:58.240 --> 00:21:09.599
I think I've maybe mentioned this on the podcast before, but I was on I-70 and I prayed to God and I was like, God, please just bring me just one person that can, you know, be there with me to help me in this.
00:21:10.240 --> 00:21:19.279
And I am telling you, like, he delivered and then some on that promise because I was when you met Libby.
00:21:19.599 --> 00:21:23.680
So, no, actually, I hired not one, but two more people.
00:21:23.759 --> 00:21:25.440
So, this is like years apart.
00:21:25.519 --> 00:21:28.079
So, like, and along came another person.
00:21:28.240 --> 00:21:31.279
That person was on the same kind of faith journey.
00:21:31.440 --> 00:21:32.400
She ended up leaving.
00:21:32.559 --> 00:21:34.079
Next person came, same thing.
00:21:34.240 --> 00:21:41.359
So it was like the people that kept coming in to replace Christina were like the exact same like situation.
00:21:41.759 --> 00:21:46.160
I felt like that was God saying, like, hey, you need to leave too, because this is not where you need to be.
00:21:46.400 --> 00:21:59.759
And that's what's funny is that not only that, he brought this like really amazing, like, probably it's so it wasn't immediately, but a couple years later, I had started kind of.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:07.119
Forming up this group of women that we now have, as we talk about our group chat all the time, the Women of Joy group of people.
00:22:07.279 --> 00:22:19.599
But now I have this huge group of people that are around me and available and ready to help and ready to talk, just great friends that have come into my life that I didn't have before.
00:22:19.759 --> 00:22:24.480
That was not that was not a thing, especially when I first started coming back to church.
00:22:24.559 --> 00:22:26.240
It was very much not a thing.
00:22:26.400 --> 00:22:37.519
Um, and so that's why I think it's so important for us when we're when we have that to look for people that don't and just pull them into the fold.
00:22:37.759 --> 00:22:38.720
Yeah, agreed.
00:22:39.039 --> 00:22:42.480
Because it's hard to get, it's it's really hard to get that.
00:22:42.559 --> 00:22:44.319
I mean, I prayed to God, He gave it to me.
00:22:44.400 --> 00:22:54.160
Like I like I can't even tell you um how grateful I was for that because it was it it was very lonely not having that for the brief moment that I didn't have it.
00:22:54.400 --> 00:23:04.799
Well, again, and the pillar of me of being mentally well is having connection, and again, the I mean the Bible talks about that.
00:23:05.119 --> 00:23:16.079
You know, we really do need community to live well, we do, but the world and our experiences can make it very hard to have community.
00:23:16.559 --> 00:23:48.160
One thing that's really interesting to me about loneliness, and I I can actually think of people like as I say this, because I know that there are certain people that really struggle with this, and I've struggled with it too, but interesting little brain science fact, loneliness actually alters the brain, so it changes the brain, and it's very similar to what we've talked about before with you know pathways and um neuroplasticity, you know, and those thought patterns that you have.
00:23:48.319 --> 00:23:57.759
But once you are in a state of loneliness, your brain is then interpreting everything from that lens.
00:23:58.000 --> 00:24:06.400
So you're gonna start interpreting actions from people, and it almost is like taking it to the extreme.
00:24:06.640 --> 00:24:15.039
Like maybe somebody doesn't respond to your text, and you're immediately thinking, oh, they don't want to be my friend, or they don't like me, you know.
00:24:15.119 --> 00:24:20.319
And I think we're all I think that's that, yeah, it's black and white thinking is what happens.
00:24:20.640 --> 00:24:39.839
And for people with complex trauma, this conversation, of course, is is different because when you have experienced complex trauma, your nervous system was trained like that because it was actually that's what was actually happening, you know.
00:24:40.079 --> 00:25:05.440
Yeah, that's true, and also anxiety in general, yeah, contributes to well, think about it, if you have social anxiety, okay, and you've it's like you dang if you do, danged if you don't, you know, you get so anxious to go around people, but yet you're lonely, yeah, you know, and super challenging.
00:25:05.759 --> 00:25:35.839
Well, and I was you know, as far as the Bible goes, I mean, it it has a lot to say about loneliness, and people were not created to be alone, we were literally created like in Genesis 2, it's God says it's not good for man to be alone because and this is before even the fall, before sin entered the picture, like we were not created to be alone, no, and I think that's really interesting because we were created for connection.
00:25:36.079 --> 00:25:40.640
We are so it's no wonder that when we don't have that, we literally get we're literally sick.
00:25:41.200 --> 00:25:43.200
No, you are, and that's physically unwell.
00:25:43.519 --> 00:25:45.839
I think that's where a lot of people have struggled with me.
00:25:45.920 --> 00:25:51.759
They're like, Why like you're you're you're not with your dad anymore, you're not experiencing these things.
00:25:52.000 --> 00:25:55.119
Like, why do you feel like you're you're so lonely?
00:25:55.599 --> 00:26:04.640
And the truth is, like, not a lot of people experience something that grotesque, and that that makes me feel very lonely.
00:26:04.960 --> 00:26:26.000
And actually, you know, I've I've mentioned this before, but my therapist told me, and it's just a fact of the trauma I've been through that I will have very few connections in my life because people are just not going to be able to understand what I've been through because it alters their worldview.
00:26:26.160 --> 00:26:39.359
Yeah, you know, some people need to keep their brains in a specific bubble to protect it, and what I've been through kind of destroys our pops holes in people's bubbles.
00:26:39.599 --> 00:26:44.799
Well, and that just goes back to the whole statement of you don't need 500 people.
00:26:45.039 --> 00:26:45.759
No, definitely not.
00:26:45.920 --> 00:26:46.960
You only need a few.
00:26:47.119 --> 00:27:00.960
And I mean, look at the difference that just having my family around your window has made, you know, just a place to go celebrate birthdays and a place to, you know, somebody to go eat lunch with after church.
00:27:01.200 --> 00:27:05.359
Yeah, it's been and not not just for me, but my entire family.
00:27:05.599 --> 00:27:16.079
That's been the real beauty of it for me is you know, when I had children, there's lots of things you don't consider as as you do.
00:27:16.640 --> 00:27:32.000
But one of them was not considering that my kids are not gonna have grandparents and they're not gonna have cousins and aunts and uncles, and my kids have never had that, and it's been very challenging.
00:27:32.160 --> 00:27:42.559
I mean, there are so many holidays where there's just this sadness in the air, and it didn't matter what I tried to do to make it, you know, to create our own traditions.
00:27:42.799 --> 00:27:48.880
I can't make a community, I can't just make a village out of thin air.
00:27:48.960 --> 00:28:00.160
And my kids are at the ages now where they can look around and see that our life is different from most everybody else in their life, you know.
00:28:00.559 --> 00:28:10.960
Now, like Kate said this last year, last it's been almost two years now, that has definitely changed and it's been super good for my children.
00:28:11.039 --> 00:28:20.559
Like Chloe's 16th birthday, like I I saw that she kept her taco, she still has her taco here made her, and so that's awesome.
00:28:20.720 --> 00:28:23.759
It that's been very healing for my entire family.
00:28:24.160 --> 00:28:26.480
Yeah, and I'm super grateful for that.
00:28:26.720 --> 00:28:48.640
Um, but a couple years ago I did go through a smear campaign, and this smear campaign involved everybody in my life at that time, like down to like the person I saw at the gas station every day, like that level of intrusiveness with the smear campaign in my life.
00:28:48.960 --> 00:29:06.160
So I um it things like got to a head, and I was being harassed, and and people were putting me in situations where I was physically not safe, and it got so bad that I I just left.
00:29:06.799 --> 00:29:18.799
And when I got back and learned the full extent of who I was involved, I I don't even know how to explain how I felt.
00:29:18.960 --> 00:29:28.480
It was honestly, I would live what my dad did to me a hundred times over than experience what I went through a couple years ago.
00:29:28.559 --> 00:29:28.640
Wow.
00:29:28.799 --> 00:29:31.279
And that's a pretty that's saying a lot.
00:29:31.440 --> 00:29:32.240
That's saying a lot.
00:29:32.400 --> 00:29:35.759
That's how terrible I felt.
00:29:36.240 --> 00:29:42.000
Yeah, I I I didn't think I would be where I am today, that's for sure.
00:29:42.240 --> 00:29:58.319
Um, but some things I did is because I was experienced so much isolation, and I, you know, I worked from home fully remote during all of this, so that added a layer of I'm I'm really good at masking.
00:29:58.480 --> 00:30:01.279
So like people just didn't know anything is wrong.
00:30:02.000 --> 00:30:07.359
And if nobody's looking at you and picking up on these little things, that's just that.
00:30:07.599 --> 00:30:13.279
Yeah, you're that's the the digital technology mismatch we're talking about.
00:30:13.759 --> 00:30:14.160
Exactly.
00:30:14.400 --> 00:30:28.960
So dismissing that those cues, they can't see it, they can't see your cues, so it's really, really easy to hide how much you're struggling, especially if you work somewhere where you're they're not really trying to have connection in the first place.
00:30:29.519 --> 00:31:03.759
So yeah, there were some small things I did during that time that were helpful, and some of that was just making small talk with the cashier, you know, just trying to create little moments of interaction, and those little moments would help me through, even if it was just like a really temporary brief interaction, it made me feel like I existed because I think for me, I just didn't feel like I existed in anyone's mind, like I didn't matter.
00:31:03.839 --> 00:31:05.119
Like, does anybody think of me?
00:31:05.279 --> 00:31:06.160
Yeah, you didn't feel seen.
00:31:06.559 --> 00:31:07.839
I didn't feel seen at all.
00:31:08.079 --> 00:31:10.799
Like if I died, like nobody's gonna know.
00:31:11.920 --> 00:31:43.279
And and so I would just try to talk to anybody if they cross my path in any way, yeah, just to have some sort of connection, and I you know, and when you get really lonely like that too, you do get kind of desperate, even if you don't feel like it's desperation, you know, somebody paying attention to you and wanting to hang out with you can feel really good.
00:31:43.359 --> 00:31:56.400
So after that smear campaign and I like lost all my current people, I still was trying to find people, and I didn't get it right after all of that either.
00:31:56.640 --> 00:31:58.000
It was really hard.
00:31:58.240 --> 00:32:11.359
There's something to be said for that, not to interrupt you, but like I think so many, so many people that are experiencing loneliness, they start looking for connection anywhere they can find it.
00:32:11.599 --> 00:32:17.839
And sometimes those connections end up being more hurtful than the loneliness itself.
00:32:18.079 --> 00:32:28.559
Yes, because you know, you get to a point where you're just you just want somebody, you know, you just want somebody to see you and be there for you.
00:32:28.720 --> 00:32:45.920
I mean, case in point, all you know, all these these women that that you know are in domestic abuse situations where you know they're picking these guys that are just hurtful to them, you know, they're harmful to them, and then they feel like they can't leave because they don't have anybody other than that person.
00:32:46.240 --> 00:32:54.880
I mean, it's just such a horrible vicious cycle of trying to be seen, trying to find those connections.
00:32:55.039 --> 00:32:59.440
Like I said, not every connection is gonna be the best for you.
00:32:59.839 --> 00:33:00.799
Yeah, yeah.
00:33:01.119 --> 00:33:15.039
It's really taken me a lot of time to find decent people, and there are so many reasons that is, you know, like we just said, when you get really lonely, you just want somebody so that will make you clean.
00:33:15.279 --> 00:33:18.640
I also, you know, I just didn't have boundaries.
00:33:18.720 --> 00:33:26.400
I didn't know how to have boundaries, and so I was friends with people that had a lifestyle that I would never engage in.
00:33:26.640 --> 00:33:33.839
Yeah, you know, there's something that I tell my teenage boys because we've been having a lot of conversations about, you know, what is your brand gonna be in high school?
00:33:33.920 --> 00:33:35.039
Who how do you want to show up?
00:33:35.119 --> 00:33:35.279
Right.
00:33:35.440 --> 00:33:36.160
Who are you gonna be?
00:33:36.240 --> 00:33:47.039
Because they came from a school where there was only four boys, and there were two of the four boys, so they're gonna be making new friends, and they're gonna be having to figure out what what type of people do I want to hang out with.
00:33:47.279 --> 00:34:00.720
And I think you know, one of the conversations we have all the time is that I say to them, hey, you want to be friends with the people that you want to be like, right?
00:34:00.960 --> 00:34:16.719
So, you know, what that is long and short of it is like you're going to surround yourself, like whoever you're surrounding yourself with, that is going to greatly influence you and your trajectory and and and everything about your life.
00:34:17.039 --> 00:34:27.119
So, no, this is so true, and I w really wish somebody would have drilled this into my head at a very young age because that was not my mentality.
00:34:27.840 --> 00:34:31.760
I have never wanted to judge people, and I I've been it.
00:34:31.920 --> 00:34:53.119
Like I have never judged anybody, so I would be friends with all kinds of people, and I thought that was a really good quality to have, and I mean, to a degree it is, but if you don't have boundaries, you will get hurt, and I got hurt, and not only did I get hurt, my entire family got hurt because of the choices I made.
00:34:53.519 --> 00:34:56.400
I can't, you know, I have to take ownership of that.
00:34:56.559 --> 00:35:07.360
The choices I made, although I wasn't intentionally setting out to harm my family in this way, that's what ended up happening, you know.
00:35:07.679 --> 00:35:12.480
So I I'm still dealing with the fallout from all of that.
00:35:12.719 --> 00:35:13.360
Yeah.
00:35:13.760 --> 00:35:15.039
And it does make a difference.
00:35:15.119 --> 00:35:17.920
I mean, and here's the thing: I was the same way in high school.
00:35:18.159 --> 00:35:28.880
It was like, you know, you want to be kind to everyone and you want to be the person that everybody feels safe with or seen by, you know.
00:35:29.039 --> 00:35:31.679
So I I don't think it's a choice you have to make.
00:35:31.840 --> 00:35:51.280
I think I think the biggest choice is that if you are going to be spending your time and really opening your heart up to someone and revealing yourself and sharing those moments with people, those are the people that you have to just really, those inner circle people.
00:35:51.840 --> 00:35:53.840
Yeah, you have to be really selective.
00:35:54.000 --> 00:35:58.880
Yeah, I like to think of relationships in in different layers, you know.
00:35:59.039 --> 00:36:05.519
So I think of a flower and all the different petals, and then you have, you know, the inner part of it.
00:36:05.920 --> 00:36:10.480
You know, the people around the closest part are who are gonna really know you.
00:36:10.719 --> 00:36:17.280
And then I have, you know, friends on like different layers where they kind of get a different part of me.
00:36:17.599 --> 00:36:21.840
Because it's just, you know, you don't give all of yourself to everybody.
00:36:23.360 --> 00:36:33.920
Yeah, and I think we've all had experiences where you give all of yourself to the wrong person, and it can really be destructive.
00:36:34.159 --> 00:36:34.719
Yes.
00:36:35.039 --> 00:36:49.039
I'm thinking of your situation actually, and yeah, like I like even just thinking of my me, you know, having boyfriends in high school that are just wrong, you know, were just wrong for me and who I wanted to be, you know.
00:36:49.280 --> 00:36:49.679
Yeah, yeah.
00:36:49.760 --> 00:36:51.440
And I'm sure anybody can relate to that.
00:36:51.519 --> 00:36:58.480
We've all you know, if you're an adult, you've probably dated a couple people that have not been good.
00:36:59.280 --> 00:37:09.679
And I think you know, loneliness also leads to jumping into some bad relationships, not just friendships, but romantic-wise as well.
00:37:09.920 --> 00:37:10.480
It does.
00:37:10.639 --> 00:37:24.320
And let's return to the imposter syndrome for a second, because how you view yourself will greatly affect who you become close with.
00:37:24.559 --> 00:37:25.519
Oh, this is so true.
00:37:25.760 --> 00:37:30.400
So if you have low self-esteem, you're probably not gonna be picking out the best people.
00:37:30.800 --> 00:37:31.599
Absolutely.
00:37:31.760 --> 00:37:50.239
And it's like you have a low self-worth, you are going to be more likely to think, oh, I'm not good enough to be friends with that person, or I'm not, you know, who am I to talk to this person or be friends with them because you know, I I was raised in a different part of town or whatever it is.
00:37:50.480 --> 00:37:51.039
Yeah, yeah.
00:37:51.440 --> 00:37:55.440
I mean, all of the stuff we're talking about today is still stuff that I struggle with.
00:37:55.599 --> 00:38:12.400
You know, it's definitely gotten a lot better, but because I have dealt with stuff for such a prolonged time, it's not it's not like oh I got I go to church now and I I now have family that you know I'm just it's just better.
00:38:12.639 --> 00:38:21.199
It takes a lot of work, and you know, yep, I definitely still struggle with the loneliness stuff.
00:38:21.440 --> 00:38:23.840
Yeah, I mean, and it's a hard thing to break.
00:38:23.920 --> 00:38:32.559
I know I spent I didn't realize how poor my own my view of myself was until I did that coaching for six weeks.
00:38:32.719 --> 00:38:33.280
Oh, really?
00:38:33.679 --> 00:38:36.079
It was very eye-opening for me.
00:38:36.320 --> 00:38:44.719
Um, where you know, she pointed out to me very much, and this is a a root of like some of the people pleasing stuff.
00:38:44.880 --> 00:38:51.039
It's like, oh well, she always I always hear her voice, and she always would be like, Yeah, but where's Kate?
00:38:51.280 --> 00:38:52.559
Where's Kate in that?
00:38:52.719 --> 00:38:54.400
Yeah, what about Kate?
00:38:54.559 --> 00:39:08.719
Yeah, and I think you know, it shows up different for all of us, but well, you're such a person of servitude, and that's the thing with people who are just people of servitude, it's really easy to forget about your own needs.
00:39:08.800 --> 00:39:12.079
It's so true because it's I almost trait.
00:39:12.320 --> 00:39:23.360
I almost think like the servitude stuff can be like a toxic trait, like you said, because you care so much about other people's needs, you forget your own needs and you forget your own discomfort.
00:39:24.159 --> 00:39:25.280
Yeah, absolutely.
00:39:25.519 --> 00:39:33.679
Yeah, because it it literally feels like if I'm putting myself first, that I'm being like selfish or I'm yeah.
00:39:33.920 --> 00:39:41.760
Well, and see, you know, growing up, like I did, I like there's still my dad's voice in the back of the head with certain things.
00:39:42.159 --> 00:39:50.159
So, you know, like he would always say I was materialistic because I wanted to wear like a dress or something.
00:39:50.880 --> 00:39:53.039
So I would always get told I was materialistic.
00:39:53.199 --> 00:39:59.119
I would always get told I was wishy-washy, and not really that getting told that that pisses me off.
00:39:59.280 --> 00:39:59.920
What does that even mean?
00:40:00.159 --> 00:40:01.119
Wishy-washy.
00:40:01.679 --> 00:40:06.559
I like just kind of like flip back and forth between how I feel, but it's because I wasn't allowed to have feelings.
00:40:06.960 --> 00:40:07.199
Yeah.
00:40:07.440 --> 00:40:25.440
Because I had to make sure like my dad was gonna be okay, or I had to worry about other people's feelings, and so there would be like this internal struggle of my my moods being affected and my feelings being affected because I couldn't really have my own feelings.
00:40:25.599 --> 00:40:29.519
So I'd always there would always be like Kelly Murray's real wishy-washy.
00:40:29.599 --> 00:40:34.000
And I was like uh 10 and younger when this was being said to me.
00:40:35.760 --> 00:40:39.840
Yeah, 10 years old and being told you're materialistic and wishy-washy.
00:40:40.000 --> 00:40:46.239
Well, and all those things that are sewed into us at a young age, they very much become your internal voice.
00:40:46.880 --> 00:40:48.719
They're very it's very powerful.
00:40:48.880 --> 00:40:52.800
So, you know, parents, make sure you're aware of that with your children.
00:40:52.960 --> 00:40:59.119
Whatever you're sewing into them now is going to absolutely become their inner critic later.
00:40:59.360 --> 00:41:09.119
Yeah, as much as we don't, you know, you know, mainstream psychology and stuff is really brutal to people who struggle with stuff from their past.
00:41:10.079 --> 00:41:26.159
But you really have to understand neurobiology and interpersonal neurobiology to understand how connection and you know having outlets for these different things, they all play a part into our mental well-being.
00:41:26.400 --> 00:41:27.199
They really do.
00:41:27.519 --> 00:41:41.440
And any relationship you have, whether that's you know, a romantic relationship, a friendship, a relationship with a family member, your colleagues, those relationships are all training your nervous system.
00:41:42.000 --> 00:41:50.159
So that's why if you've had a really rough childhood, your nervous system is, you know, it's shot, probably in a lot of ways.
00:41:50.320 --> 00:42:05.599
And it's why it's even more important to find decent people because once you can see how they relationally are to other people within those groups, you can start having a perspective outside of what you've experienced.
00:42:05.760 --> 00:42:20.559
So that's been a big thing for me, is you know, like when Kate and I reconnected, I was in a very bitter and cynical place when it came to people because that's all I have seen is people just be shitty.
00:42:21.199 --> 00:42:47.039
And now I'm getting a glimpse of what it looks like when you know, it's not saying that these people are perfect, that's not the case, but they model healthier behavior, they have there are people with boundaries, there are people that are striving to do better and to treat people around them well, and so seeing that as helped is training my nervous system it right now in this moment.
00:42:47.360 --> 00:42:48.960
Yeah, you're right.
00:42:49.840 --> 00:43:06.000
And I think there's some practical things that you could do to try to help if you're in a situation where you're feeling lonely, whether it's you're lonely because you don't have people, or whether it's lonely, you're lonely because the people that you have are not seeing you um in your life.
00:43:06.159 --> 00:43:19.679
But I think one of the top things, and I know it sounds a little bit harsh, and this may not apply to everybody, but I I can think of us, I can think of several people in my mind that I watch this play out with.
00:43:19.760 --> 00:43:25.119
And I think if you're an introverted person, this is probably going to be something that you're more apt to do.
00:43:25.360 --> 00:43:28.320
But a lot of us wait to be invited.
00:43:28.559 --> 00:43:37.840
We wait, it's like we're we're waiting for someone else to approach us or we're waiting on that connection.
00:43:38.079 --> 00:43:41.840
We're not willing to take the bull by the horns and go make it ourselves because it's scary.
00:43:42.000 --> 00:43:42.400
It is scary.
00:43:42.719 --> 00:43:50.719
It's hard to do, and you're you're no, you're putting yourself in a position that's vulnerable, you're putting yourself in a position that you know could potentially let you down.
00:43:50.880 --> 00:43:57.199
So I understand completely, but you have to stop waiting to be approached by others.
00:43:57.440 --> 00:44:03.039
You have got to take a step, whether it's like, Kelly mentioned, I was like, maybe it's the cashier at the gas station.
00:44:03.440 --> 00:44:04.000
Start small steps.
00:44:04.159 --> 00:44:13.119
Start taking those small steps to just show yourself, like, hey, if I reach out to somebody, is it is it gonna, you know, what's gonna happen?
00:44:13.280 --> 00:44:14.960
What's the worst that could happen?
00:44:15.119 --> 00:44:20.800
You know, um, reach out to somebody and ask, hey, would you be interested in going to have coffee?
00:44:20.960 --> 00:44:24.000
Yeah, and it's something you like to do and are comfortable doing.
00:44:24.239 --> 00:44:28.960
Yeah, when I was going through what I went through a couple years ago, that's actually what happened.
00:44:29.039 --> 00:44:47.119
So Marissa, she reached out to me, and I had only met her, you know, like one other time, but God had put me on her heart, and she saw that I was really struggling, and she reached out, and that meant a lot.
00:44:47.360 --> 00:44:55.039
We went and had lunch, and you know, that helped get me out of this darkness that started that climb out.
00:44:55.280 --> 00:45:01.519
And there was a couple other people around this time that reached out and was like, Hey, let's go have lunch.
00:45:01.679 --> 00:45:04.960
Yeah, and those kind of things were just so helpful.
00:45:05.280 --> 00:45:08.880
So if you see somebody struggling, that's what I was just thinking.
00:45:08.960 --> 00:45:09.440
Yeah, yeah.
00:45:09.519 --> 00:45:13.920
If you see somebody struggling, like take that effort to be like, hey, let's go have lunch.
00:45:14.079 --> 00:45:18.159
It could be all the difference, and I know it was the difference for me.
00:45:18.320 --> 00:45:25.840
There's so many people I can name right now that that noticed I was really not in a good place and they took an effort.
00:45:25.920 --> 00:45:30.719
You know, I I see a lot of people say, Oh, if you're ever lonely, just reach out.
00:45:31.039 --> 00:45:33.679
People who are really struggling, they're not gonna do that.
00:45:33.920 --> 00:45:40.159
I feel like we people who are are in a better place have to take, you know, some of it a proactive approach.
00:45:40.320 --> 00:45:57.360
Sometimes people just need that hand held out to them, and then they know when people know that they have support, even if it's something very minute as just going to lunch, people can they can accomplish anything and get over every anything.
00:45:57.519 --> 00:45:58.639
It really is true.
00:45:58.800 --> 00:45:59.760
It's so true.
00:45:59.920 --> 00:46:15.599
And and absolutely, as a Christian, when you're in church and you see that person that just jets out after church every Sunday and just like pieces out, doesn't you know make eye contact, runs out, runs out of the place?
00:46:16.079 --> 00:46:21.519
And if you're that person, by the way, that does not help you at all.
00:46:21.840 --> 00:46:30.320
No, um, but be aware of those people that are doing that and maybe stop them, stop them and and ask, you know, hey, how are you doing?
00:46:30.480 --> 00:46:34.559
Is you know, do you ever do you ever like going out for coffee or anything?
00:46:34.880 --> 00:46:36.159
Do you ever like to join our group?
00:46:36.400 --> 00:46:39.039
Like goes out for coffee, like we have a group that goes out for coffee, you know.
00:46:39.119 --> 00:46:40.079
I've done that so many times.
00:46:40.320 --> 00:46:50.559
And another thing about lonely, there's probably matter with you saying that is, you know, you would be surprised about the people who do think about you and worried about you.
00:46:51.119 --> 00:46:55.119
There was like a there was like a week or two I wasn't at church or something.
00:46:55.679 --> 00:47:04.000
This woman I've never even really talked to at church, she came up to me and was like, I was worried about you because I didn't see you.
00:47:04.480 --> 00:47:07.360
And we've never had a conversation before, but I love that.
00:47:07.599 --> 00:47:08.320
Now we have.
00:47:08.559 --> 00:47:14.159
And it was just like, wow, like you never know who's actually noticing you, and they might be too scared to reach out.
00:47:14.400 --> 00:47:21.519
I mean, we do live in in different times right now with the with social anxiety is a big issue for a lot of people.
00:47:21.760 --> 00:47:22.880
Yep, yep.
00:47:23.119 --> 00:47:33.280
Well, and and another another thing that I would say too, as a as a tip to just kind of take steps out of this loneliness cycle is you just gotta find one person.
00:47:33.519 --> 00:47:34.800
You don't gotta have 50.
00:47:34.960 --> 00:47:39.840
I know we said that, but I mean, all you gotta find is that one person that's willing to hear you.
00:47:40.000 --> 00:47:41.599
And we've talked about it on other episodes.
00:47:41.760 --> 00:47:49.199
All when somebody's really struggling, all they need is eight minutes of somebody listening to help regulate their their nervous system.
00:47:49.280 --> 00:47:55.440
And I think that says a lot, you know, and honestly, I've noticed that God overdelivers on that.
00:47:55.599 --> 00:47:58.239
So if you ask him for one, he'll usually give you more.
00:47:59.119 --> 00:48:08.159
But but pray and ask God to to bring somebody to you and and be very aware in and of those things.
00:48:08.320 --> 00:48:11.199
When you see people trying to connect with you, don't push them away.
00:48:11.360 --> 00:48:13.760
Don't assume that you're gonna be a burden on them.
00:48:14.000 --> 00:48:15.119
Take them up on it.
00:48:15.360 --> 00:48:17.119
I mean, it's scary, yes.
00:48:17.199 --> 00:48:21.039
And of course, for a people pleaser like me, it's like somebody says, Oh, can I take you out to lunch?
00:48:21.119 --> 00:48:25.199
I'm like, oh no, you you don't have to do that, you know.
00:48:25.599 --> 00:48:30.159
Don't assume that they're she's the worst at not letting people do nice things for her.
00:48:30.320 --> 00:48:33.280
Yeah, don't assume that people are making you a charity case.
00:48:33.360 --> 00:48:35.119
Maybe they just want to get to know you.
00:48:35.280 --> 00:48:36.960
Um, where's my mic?
00:48:37.119 --> 00:48:38.800
Oh, there goes your mic.
00:48:39.039 --> 00:48:40.800
I do this every time.
00:48:41.679 --> 00:48:46.719
Um, another thing, real quick, I think that could be super helpful.
00:48:46.880 --> 00:48:49.920
Oh my gosh, that she carries this one in her purse, by the way.
00:48:50.480 --> 00:48:51.039
I found it.
00:48:51.199 --> 00:48:52.639
I found it at work yesterday.
00:48:52.880 --> 00:48:55.039
You never know when you're gonna need a mic drop on something.
00:48:55.280 --> 00:48:57.440
Oh my gosh, that's so funny.
00:48:57.920 --> 00:49:03.039
Um anyways, anyways, tell some reach out and tell somebody how you're doing.
00:49:03.119 --> 00:49:11.920
I have a friend that is very isolated, and um yeah, I'm grateful that they reached out to me because they were really struggling.
00:49:12.000 --> 00:49:16.480
They've they've done this several times, and that's the key.
00:49:16.639 --> 00:49:19.920
You get you have to reach out to somebody and be honest about how you're doing.
00:49:20.000 --> 00:49:34.800
If you're struggling, if you're depressed, if you're lonely, if you just need somebody, reach out to somebody because most people, most people, not all people, but most people are going to be kind and try to meet that, meet you there.
00:49:34.880 --> 00:49:37.440
Um, maybe it's a text, maybe it's a call, I don't know.
00:49:37.679 --> 00:49:41.599
But do reach out and tell somebody how you're actually doing because I think that matters.
00:49:41.679 --> 00:49:48.960
If you're struggling with depression, anxiety, whatever, you gotta let people know that you're struggling, otherwise they can't help you.
00:49:49.039 --> 00:49:49.360
Yeah.
00:49:49.519 --> 00:49:53.599
And you can't expect people to just be able to see it because they don't always see it.
00:49:53.760 --> 00:49:54.000
Yeah.
00:49:54.639 --> 00:49:57.440
And you know, the topic here is loneliness.
00:49:57.679 --> 00:50:00.559
You can't fight loneliness while you're lonely.
00:50:00.719 --> 00:50:08.800
You have to have have people, and there's small things you can do until you find really find, you know, your community.
00:50:08.960 --> 00:50:12.159
You know, I I wasn't born into having community.
00:50:12.320 --> 00:50:22.159
I've really had to work to have what I have right now, and so there is a little bit of effort on your part to do that, but it is possible.
00:50:22.480 --> 00:50:24.559
And well, I don't just pray.
00:50:24.960 --> 00:50:27.760
Galatians 6 tells us to bear one another's burdens.
00:50:28.000 --> 00:50:31.280
Yeah, you know, and that's that's just it, that's what it is.
00:50:31.519 --> 00:50:31.920
Yep.
00:50:32.079 --> 00:50:34.639
Yep, let people carry those burdens with you.
00:50:34.800 --> 00:50:51.679
I think you know, the overall sentiment of the last couple years with Kate and this new community I have is these people have been willing to carry my burdens with me, and that's made all the difference compared to past relationships where everybody's kind of just telling me to shut up, I need to get over it.
00:50:52.079 --> 00:50:53.039
They're putting burdens on you.
00:50:53.199 --> 00:50:58.960
Yeah, they're putting burdens on me, and the people I have around me now help me carry that burden.
00:50:59.280 --> 00:51:00.159
That's a huge difference.
00:51:00.400 --> 00:51:01.199
It's a huge difference.
00:51:02.079 --> 00:51:06.639
That's the difference between healthy relationships and not healthy relationships.
00:51:07.280 --> 00:51:18.480
Um one other thing, too, that I'll say is that if if you're feeling isolated, one of the best ways to get out of that is to serve others.
00:51:18.719 --> 00:51:22.159
So yeah, purpose creates connection.
00:51:22.639 --> 00:51:26.719
So if there's opportunities, which there's always opportunities in every single town, by the way.
00:51:27.280 --> 00:51:28.000
Especially ours.
00:51:28.239 --> 00:51:30.719
There is always opportunities to serve others.
00:51:30.960 --> 00:51:34.320
So obviously, I started up with Minmo in our community.
00:51:34.559 --> 00:51:42.480
And so if if you're in our community, reach out to me and I'll be absolutely totally willing and able to find you ways to serve.
00:51:42.639 --> 00:51:44.159
Serve in your church, get involved.
00:51:44.239 --> 00:51:48.559
Don't be that person that just pieces out and exits after church every Sunday.
00:51:48.719 --> 00:51:52.400
You know, our church sets up and cleans up every single week in the YMCA.
00:51:52.480 --> 00:51:55.679
So it takes an enormous amount of people to make that happen.
00:51:56.000 --> 00:52:01.360
So there's so many opportunities for you to get involved, and that's how you get to know people.
00:52:01.440 --> 00:52:03.760
That's that's how those connections get formed.
00:52:03.840 --> 00:52:11.360
But you have to like sis, if you're running up out of church every Sunday, you're not giving anybody a chance to connect with you.
00:52:11.599 --> 00:52:13.440
So try.
00:52:13.599 --> 00:52:18.079
I know it's scary and it can feel awkward, but everybody else feels awkward.
00:52:18.239 --> 00:52:19.199
Yeah, that's a secret.
00:52:19.440 --> 00:52:24.400
If you just remember that everybody's feeling awkward, everybody thinks like I'm not nervous talking to all these people.
00:52:24.559 --> 00:52:24.960
I am.
00:52:25.119 --> 00:52:26.480
There's a lot of times I am.
00:52:26.719 --> 00:52:28.480
Yes, I just do it anyways.
00:52:28.559 --> 00:52:30.000
I don't I don't care if I stutter.
00:52:30.079 --> 00:52:32.880
If you hear me stutter, then I you heard it twice.
00:52:33.119 --> 00:52:33.519
You know?
00:52:33.760 --> 00:52:34.880
Well, and that's just it.
00:52:34.960 --> 00:52:36.480
Feelings aren't always facts.
00:52:36.639 --> 00:52:37.280
Exactly.
00:52:37.519 --> 00:52:41.280
And um, you know, feeling alone doesn't mean you're abandoned.
00:52:41.519 --> 00:52:47.360
So um, you know, if I this I will say just to kind of wrap this up because we are at work, yeah.
00:52:47.599 --> 00:52:53.440
If you're feeling lonely today, leave us a comment that simply says, pray for me.
00:52:53.679 --> 00:52:58.960
You don't have to give us any details at all or your whole story, but we would be honored to pray for you.
00:52:59.039 --> 00:53:01.519
Um, that God would build that community in your life.
00:53:01.599 --> 00:53:06.800
And I know our community that's watching this channel would absolutely be praying for you as well.
00:53:06.960 --> 00:53:09.679
Um, again, we are here for you.
00:53:09.840 --> 00:53:16.000
You are not alone, and you can always reach out to us at carpalconfessions podcast at gmail.com as well.
00:53:16.159 --> 00:53:19.599
If you need that touch point, we're happy to talk to you as well.
00:53:19.840 --> 00:53:20.400
Absolutely.
00:53:20.639 --> 00:53:20.960
Yep.
00:53:21.199 --> 00:53:24.079
So we are every Monday at 7 a.m.
00:53:24.480 --> 00:53:26.480
And we look forward to seeing you next time.
00:53:26.800 --> 00:53:27.360
Bye.
