[0:01] Welcome to Buy Your Side, Divorce Law and Support.
[0:07] Hello, and welcome back to Buy Your Side,
[0:10] Divorce Law and Support with Patricia Sokolich.
[0:14] Pat is a longtime family law attorney
[0:17] and now a divorce coach who helps women
[0:19] move through separation with clarity and confidence.
[0:24] I'm Lisa Mosbey and today we're talking about child custody.
[0:28] We'll cover the basics of how custody works,
[0:30] what really matters in these decisions,
[0:33] and how moms can protect their children through this process.
[0:37] Pat, welcome back.
[0:38] This is a tough subject.
[0:39] Thank you so much for joining me again today.
[0:42] Yes, thank you for having me back.
[0:45] Yeah, custody is very, very emotional.
[0:48] It's very, it is a tough situation.
[0:52] Clients need to understand prior to going into a divorce,
[0:57] exactly what custody means, what types of custody there are,
[1:01] and what the downsides are to not understanding
[1:07] what the, what custody is all about.
[1:10] Custody is, you know, it's a very emotional matter.
[1:14] It's very fought with anxiety and anxiousness
[1:20] and people just dig their heels in and decide
[1:26] I have to have custody or I will have custody.
[1:30] And so it's important that they understand
[1:32] how to get custody, what's the best way to proceed
[1:36] to make sure that you become the custodial parent.
[1:40] Years ago, well, not so long ago, but it used to be
[1:45] that the woman sort of automatically got custody.
[1:48] It was just understood.
[1:50] Divorce the children go with the mother.
[1:52] Well, that's changed over the years.
[1:56] There were a lot of reasons, but it's changed
[1:59] and now courts are very willing to give fathers custody
[2:03] of the children, depending on what's going on in the relationship
[2:08] and what the role of the parents are, mother versus father.
[2:14] That's when the standard comes in.
[2:16] The court has to look to a standard.
[2:19] They're going to get a lot of conflicting information
[2:21] about why I'm the better parent to have custody.
[2:25] But the bottom line is the court and the law
[2:28] looks to what's in the best interest of the child
[2:31] or the children, where are they going to be best served
[2:36] with the mother or the father or joined custody
[2:41] where their children are split.
[2:44] So when it comes to custody, as I say,
[2:47] it's a matter that's fought with a lot of anxiety
[2:50] and a lot of grief.
[2:52] But again, if the client knows
[2:55] and that's what I can offer them,
[2:58] what exactly is custody?
[3:00] What does it mean?
[3:02] What kinds of custody are there?
[3:04] And how do you prepare yourself and the court
[3:08] to make sure that you are the parent
[3:11] that gets custody of your children?
[3:14] You knew exactly where I was going.
[3:15] I wanted to kick this off with a couple of definitions.
[3:18] What is legal custody?
[3:21] And what is physical custody?
[3:23] And why does that distinction matter?
[3:26] Well, it's a very important distinction.
[3:28] One that needs to be made very clear of the client
[3:31] because physical custody or residential,
[3:35] if it can be either word is used, physical or residential,
[3:39] means that's the party with the children primarily live with.
[3:44] Okay, so that's the person having custody of the children.
[3:49] The definition of legal custody is somewhat different
[3:55] in that that simply means that the parent
[3:59] whoever has legal custody has the right
[4:03] to make decisions whether it's educational,
[4:07] medical, religious wise,
[4:10] they have to have a say in these decisions,
[4:14] not just the residential or the mother
[4:16] or the person who has physical custody of the children.
[4:19] They get a voice.
[4:21] So when it comes down to which therapist should my child go to?
[4:26] Which doctor is better?
[4:27] Do you like this doctor or the other doctor?
[4:30] The parent that doesn't have physical custody
[4:33] needs to be informed.
[4:36] They have a right to be at every appointment for the children.
[4:40] They have a right to have a voice
[4:43] into decision making with respect to these matters.
[4:47] Now, when we talk about legal custody,
[4:49] people say, well, what are those issues?
[4:51] Well, it can be a very broad, very broad topic.
[5:00] What it usually covers is what religion is the child owner.
[5:05] If you religion has been wealth, it just become an issue
[5:09] because some children are not raised in religion
[5:13] and then all of a sudden a parent decides, well,
[5:16] I'm Jewish, I'm gonna start taking the child to temple.
[5:22] Or, well, I'm Baptist, now I'm gonna take the child
[5:26] to church every Sunday.
[5:29] So the parent who doesn't have physical custody,
[5:32] that's the parent with legal custody,
[5:34] has a right to say, yes, I agree with this
[5:38] or I don't agree with this.
[5:40] Now, the next thing that you need to be aware of is that
[5:43] if the parent who doesn't have physical custody
[5:47] does not agree with what the residential custody person
[5:53] is saying, they have a right to go to court
[5:56] and they have a right to say, I have legal custody,
[5:59] joint legal custody and this is what I think
[6:03] would be best for the children.
[6:04] And again, it comes down to where the best interest
[6:08] for the children, that's where the court decides.
[6:10] It's a lot of factors involved,
[6:13] we don't have time to go into them.
[6:14] But the difference between physical custody
[6:17] is that's what we call the home base for the children.
[6:20] That's where they reside legally.
[6:23] The legal custody is really decision making power.
[6:27] So most cases, or what I usually try to work towards
[6:31] is having the mother have residential custody
[6:35] if it's appropriate.
[6:36] Sometimes the mother works long hours or she travels
[6:41] and it is more important for the children to have the stability
[6:44] of a parent that's available in home.
[6:47] So in many cases, the father will get residential custody
[6:51] and that's okay because they could be just as good
[6:56] a parent as the mother.
[6:57] So it really depends on what's happening
[7:01] in the lives of each of the parents.
[7:03] But many times when the mother gets custody,
[7:07] we like to make sure the father has legal custody
[7:11] or join physical custody.
[7:14] That also brings us to the visitation issues
[7:17] and how that's worked out.
[7:19] Visitation, as you know, is when the parent
[7:23] who is not the custodial parent,
[7:26] what sort of time they get to spend
[7:28] with the child's or the children.
[7:30] And this is something can be brought up usually
[7:32] by usually it's done by agreement.
[7:35] The party's work out of schedule
[7:37] and that's what's resulting in the visitation schedule.
[7:42] So again, if the client going into the situation
[7:48] knows what the rules are and what the definitions are,
[7:51] it's a great help to them in moving forward towards
[7:56] what they want.
[7:58] And I know Pat, you've handled thousands of these cases
[8:01] over the years.
[8:02] How can parents start preparing their children emotionally
[8:06] for changes in the living arrangement?
[8:09] Do kids need to understand the difference
[8:12] between physical custody, legal custody?
[8:14] This is where I'm going to be living,
[8:15] but this is who's going to be making the decisions
[8:17] on what school I go to or what doctors I see.
[8:22] How does that play into preparing the kids for after divorce?
[8:27] To be honest Lisa, that's not really what I consider
[8:32] a good method of working with the children.
[8:35] In other words, what we're trying to establish with the children
[8:37] is life's not going to be different for you.
[8:40] So while they have a residential home,
[8:43] we don't like to call, I don't like to call it that.
[8:46] I just like to let them know, this is where you're living.
[8:50] It's probably your same bedroom, the same house you were in.
[8:53] And now you're going to have another house to visit.
[8:57] And that's going to be when you spend time with dad.
[9:00] They need to understand that they do have a home base
[9:04] or a place, okay?
[9:05] You don't want them to think that they're free floating now
[9:09] and they really don't have a home.
[9:11] The idea is let them know that they have a home,
[9:15] they still have a home, and now the differences,
[9:18] they have a second home, they have a place
[9:20] where they're going to visit dad,
[9:22] they're going to do things with him,
[9:24] and they're going to spend some time with him
[9:26] separate from the mother, which may be different and may not.
[9:29] They may have always had separate experiences
[9:33] with the father of the mother.
[9:35] So the best way to prepare them is to just try and let them think
[9:40] a giant, let them know, again, maybe you could just edit that.
[9:46] The best method of dealing with the children
[9:49] is to establish security and stability.
[9:55] Try and keep it as normal as possible
[9:58] and as not disruptive, all right?
[10:05] There are a lot of changes for the children,
[10:07] but I think it's important and I usually coach the mothers
[10:12] to be very supportive of the children's visits with the father,
[10:18] not to disparage, not to say if the child says,
[10:23] I don't want to see daddy say, okay, you don't have to go.
[10:26] Yes, there's an order the child does have to go
[10:30] and it's important for the health of the child
[10:33] and for the father and the mother.
[10:36] It's your job to make the child understand.
[10:39] Things are a little different now,
[10:41] but yes, you're going to spend time with dad
[10:43] and Monday, Wednesday, whatever it is,
[10:46] that's when you have to go.
[10:48] The child can't steer the bus here and say,
[10:51] I want or I don't want, they have to understand
[10:54] that this is a new way of living and it's okay.
[11:00] Nothing is going to change except you have two places to be
[11:05] and you have to see dad and you have to spend time.
[11:10] The worst thing you can do is allow the child to say,
[11:15] I don't want to go or say, call up the father and say,
[11:19] oh, they're crying, they don't want to go with this.
[11:22] That's just upsetting to the child eventually.
[11:26] It just becomes, it comes a nightmare
[11:30] because you wind up back in court
[11:32] and the child is upset because the child realizes
[11:36] they don't really have to say.
[11:38] And that becomes very, very disruptive to the child's life.
[11:44] The most important thing you can do for them
[11:46] is give them the stability.
[11:48] The stability to know,
[11:50] life's going to continue, okay, for you.
[11:53] Pat, we hear this statement often
[11:55] and I'm curious how it applies to custody decisions.
[12:00] What does the best interest of the child standard mean
[12:06] when it comes to custody decisions?
[12:08] The term best interest of the child
[12:12] is something that's come down through the years
[12:15] and it's come down mostly through case law, okay?
[12:18] By that, I mean judges have used that as a standard.
[12:22] When there's custody fights or parents are fighting over custody,
[12:28] the courts have decided the only way to settle it fairly
[12:32] is to take a look at the children
[12:34] and what's going to be the best place for these children,
[12:38] where are they going to thrive,
[12:40] where are they going to find stability,
[12:42] where are they going to sell at school,
[12:45] where are they going to be able to continue
[12:47] their friendships with children or their activities
[12:51] or remain in the same schools and not have to go
[12:54] and change everything.
[12:55] So there's a lot of factors which parent
[12:59] is the one giving them the most emotional stability
[13:04] or emotional support,
[13:05] which parent is doing the best things for the child,
[13:10] whether the child needs a therapist,
[13:13] whether the child needs a tutor,
[13:15] whether the child needs braces.
[13:17] You have to look to the parent that's being responsible,
[13:20] the parent that's looking at the child and saying,
[13:24] what's the best thing for the child?
[13:26] So best interest comes down to not looking at the parents
[13:30] and saying who is the better parent.
[13:33] They look at that simply to determine
[13:36] which is the better parent that's going to do the best
[13:39] for the child.
[13:40] So best interest just focuses on
[13:44] where is the child going to be most helped
[13:46] and that's where the court's looking to place the child.
[13:51] Pat, what common mistakes do you see parents
[13:55] sometimes make during custody discussions
[13:58] that can ultimately hurt their kids or their case?
[14:02] There are several big ones and one of the most,
[14:06] one of the most upsetting or egregious things a parent can do
[14:10] is to try and alienate the child.
[14:12] In other words, pick me, pick me, pick me.
[14:16] Why?
[14:17] And then they will start saying, your mother did this,
[14:19] your mother did that, or your father had an affair,
[14:23] your father doesn't love us, your father did this.
[14:25] He left us, he's not giving me money.
[14:29] That's a big no-no.
[14:30] Whether the father pays child support or not,
[14:33] you're not to bring that up with the children.
[14:36] That's an issue parents need to work at.
[14:39] You can't and you shouldn't do anything
[14:43] to alienate the child from the father.
[14:45] No, parental alienation is a term that's how I somewhat
[14:49] was favorite, but it's come back with an extraordinary,
[14:54] extraordinary, powerful, I don't know exactly what word,
[14:59] but it's come back to haunt the parents and the courts
[15:04] because it's hard to believe, but a parent
[15:09] can alienate a child who had no issue being with the mother
[15:13] or no issue being with the father.
[15:15] Just through their actions or through their denigrating
[15:22] of the other parent, make the child not
[15:26] want to be with that parent and object to visitation
[15:30] to act out when they're with that parent.
[15:33] So the best thing you can do for your child
[15:35] when it comes to visitation is to try and take
[15:39] your animosity and your anger and put it aside
[15:44] and understand that a child does need both parents
[15:48] to have an healthy emotional life.
[15:51] And giving them that is the biggest gift
[15:54] you could give your children.
[15:55] I like that.
[15:57] Here's where I want to wrap up today's episode.
[16:00] How can divorce coaching help moms separate their feelings
[16:05] about their ex from the parenting decisions
[16:10] that need to be made?
[16:11] That's a very good question.
[16:14] It's, again, it's very hard.
[16:16] It's very difficult because when women or men
[16:21] are meshed into this divorce process,
[16:23] it is so overwhelming.
[16:26] It's this so many different facets of it
[16:29] that have to be addressed.
[16:31] That the mere fact of what should I be doing
[16:36] or how should I work with the children
[16:38] or how can I take the anger issues and put them aside.
[16:44] Again, this is where a divorce coach can be very helpful
[16:49] because you can explain to the client
[16:52] that what you're feeling now, what you're going through
[16:55] has a lot to do with the fact that you're
[16:57] in the middle of the divorce.
[16:59] At the feelings change, things smooth out after
[17:03] the parent who is so angry and so interfering
[17:07] with visitation or whatever.
[17:09] After everything settles down and they realize it's okay,
[17:13] they're not losing your children.
[17:15] Mom is being supportive and things are going to be okay.
[17:19] Then things settle down more into a normal pattern
[17:24] or at least a normal pattern for the divorce parents
[17:28] and the children.
[17:30] It's very important to have someone there
[17:33] telling you throughout.
[17:35] The best thing to do is to make sure
[17:37] that you don't take your anger out on the children,
[17:40] you don't try to manipulate your children
[17:44] and it can be done.
[17:47] I've seen the voices where the parents come out
[17:51] very stable, the children are happy
[17:54] and they co-parent.
[17:57] That's really what we're looking for.
[17:59] Parents who can co-parent their children
[18:02] no matter how angry they are or how much they hate each other.
[18:06] The focus has to be on what's best for the kids
[18:09] and how can we make them as strong as individuals
[18:13] as they can be.
[18:15] Well said, the goal is to raise healthy adults,
[18:18] not just healthy kids.
[18:19] We want them to be able to transition through this process
[18:23] and with you in their court,
[18:26] I can see how they'll get there.
[18:27] Thank you so much for your insights today, Pat.
[18:29] War welcomes nice being here.
[18:32] Folks, thank you for listening to buy your side
[18:35] divorce law and support with Patricia Sokolich.
[18:40] If you're facing custody questions
[18:42] and want guidance on how to protect your children
[18:45] while staying calm and focused,
[18:47] Pat offers private coaching to help moms navigate
[18:50] these challenges with confidence.
[18:53] To learn more or schedule a session,
[18:55] you can call 9-1-7-4-7-8-7-5-0-5 or visit Sokolich Law.
[19:05] I'm sorry, let me restate that.
[19:08] Or visit Sokolichfamilylaw.com.
[19:13] And if this episode was helpful, please be sure to like,
[19:16] leave a review, and subscribe so you don't miss the next episode.
[19:20] We'll see you next time.
[19:24] Thanks for watching.
[19:26] Be sure to hit that like
[19:27] and subscribe button and leave us a review in the comments.
[0:07] Hello, and welcome back to Buy Your Side,
[0:10] Divorce Law and Support with Patricia Sokolich.
[0:14] Pat is a longtime family law attorney
[0:17] and now a divorce coach who helps women
[0:19] move through separation with clarity and confidence.
[0:24] I'm Lisa Mosbey and today we're talking about child custody.
[0:28] We'll cover the basics of how custody works,
[0:30] what really matters in these decisions,
[0:33] and how moms can protect their children through this process.
[0:37] Pat, welcome back.
[0:38] This is a tough subject.
[0:39] Thank you so much for joining me again today.
[0:42] Yes, thank you for having me back.
[0:45] Yeah, custody is very, very emotional.
[0:48] It's very, it is a tough situation.
[0:52] Clients need to understand prior to going into a divorce,
[0:57] exactly what custody means, what types of custody there are,
[1:01] and what the downsides are to not understanding
[1:07] what the, what custody is all about.
[1:10] Custody is, you know, it's a very emotional matter.
[1:14] It's very fought with anxiety and anxiousness
[1:20] and people just dig their heels in and decide
[1:26] I have to have custody or I will have custody.
[1:30] And so it's important that they understand
[1:32] how to get custody, what's the best way to proceed
[1:36] to make sure that you become the custodial parent.
[1:40] Years ago, well, not so long ago, but it used to be
[1:45] that the woman sort of automatically got custody.
[1:48] It was just understood.
[1:50] Divorce the children go with the mother.
[1:52] Well, that's changed over the years.
[1:56] There were a lot of reasons, but it's changed
[1:59] and now courts are very willing to give fathers custody
[2:03] of the children, depending on what's going on in the relationship
[2:08] and what the role of the parents are, mother versus father.
[2:14] That's when the standard comes in.
[2:16] The court has to look to a standard.
[2:19] They're going to get a lot of conflicting information
[2:21] about why I'm the better parent to have custody.
[2:25] But the bottom line is the court and the law
[2:28] looks to what's in the best interest of the child
[2:31] or the children, where are they going to be best served
[2:36] with the mother or the father or joined custody
[2:41] where their children are split.
[2:44] So when it comes to custody, as I say,
[2:47] it's a matter that's fought with a lot of anxiety
[2:50] and a lot of grief.
[2:52] But again, if the client knows
[2:55] and that's what I can offer them,
[2:58] what exactly is custody?
[3:00] What does it mean?
[3:02] What kinds of custody are there?
[3:04] And how do you prepare yourself and the court
[3:08] to make sure that you are the parent
[3:11] that gets custody of your children?
[3:14] You knew exactly where I was going.
[3:15] I wanted to kick this off with a couple of definitions.
[3:18] What is legal custody?
[3:21] And what is physical custody?
[3:23] And why does that distinction matter?
[3:26] Well, it's a very important distinction.
[3:28] One that needs to be made very clear of the client
[3:31] because physical custody or residential,
[3:35] if it can be either word is used, physical or residential,
[3:39] means that's the party with the children primarily live with.
[3:44] Okay, so that's the person having custody of the children.
[3:49] The definition of legal custody is somewhat different
[3:55] in that that simply means that the parent
[3:59] whoever has legal custody has the right
[4:03] to make decisions whether it's educational,
[4:07] medical, religious wise,
[4:10] they have to have a say in these decisions,
[4:14] not just the residential or the mother
[4:16] or the person who has physical custody of the children.
[4:19] They get a voice.
[4:21] So when it comes down to which therapist should my child go to?
[4:26] Which doctor is better?
[4:27] Do you like this doctor or the other doctor?
[4:30] The parent that doesn't have physical custody
[4:33] needs to be informed.
[4:36] They have a right to be at every appointment for the children.
[4:40] They have a right to have a voice
[4:43] into decision making with respect to these matters.
[4:47] Now, when we talk about legal custody,
[4:49] people say, well, what are those issues?
[4:51] Well, it can be a very broad, very broad topic.
[5:00] What it usually covers is what religion is the child owner.
[5:05] If you religion has been wealth, it just become an issue
[5:09] because some children are not raised in religion
[5:13] and then all of a sudden a parent decides, well,
[5:16] I'm Jewish, I'm gonna start taking the child to temple.
[5:22] Or, well, I'm Baptist, now I'm gonna take the child
[5:26] to church every Sunday.
[5:29] So the parent who doesn't have physical custody,
[5:32] that's the parent with legal custody,
[5:34] has a right to say, yes, I agree with this
[5:38] or I don't agree with this.
[5:40] Now, the next thing that you need to be aware of is that
[5:43] if the parent who doesn't have physical custody
[5:47] does not agree with what the residential custody person
[5:53] is saying, they have a right to go to court
[5:56] and they have a right to say, I have legal custody,
[5:59] joint legal custody and this is what I think
[6:03] would be best for the children.
[6:04] And again, it comes down to where the best interest
[6:08] for the children, that's where the court decides.
[6:10] It's a lot of factors involved,
[6:13] we don't have time to go into them.
[6:14] But the difference between physical custody
[6:17] is that's what we call the home base for the children.
[6:20] That's where they reside legally.
[6:23] The legal custody is really decision making power.
[6:27] So most cases, or what I usually try to work towards
[6:31] is having the mother have residential custody
[6:35] if it's appropriate.
[6:36] Sometimes the mother works long hours or she travels
[6:41] and it is more important for the children to have the stability
[6:44] of a parent that's available in home.
[6:47] So in many cases, the father will get residential custody
[6:51] and that's okay because they could be just as good
[6:56] a parent as the mother.
[6:57] So it really depends on what's happening
[7:01] in the lives of each of the parents.
[7:03] But many times when the mother gets custody,
[7:07] we like to make sure the father has legal custody
[7:11] or join physical custody.
[7:14] That also brings us to the visitation issues
[7:17] and how that's worked out.
[7:19] Visitation, as you know, is when the parent
[7:23] who is not the custodial parent,
[7:26] what sort of time they get to spend
[7:28] with the child's or the children.
[7:30] And this is something can be brought up usually
[7:32] by usually it's done by agreement.
[7:35] The party's work out of schedule
[7:37] and that's what's resulting in the visitation schedule.
[7:42] So again, if the client going into the situation
[7:48] knows what the rules are and what the definitions are,
[7:51] it's a great help to them in moving forward towards
[7:56] what they want.
[7:58] And I know Pat, you've handled thousands of these cases
[8:01] over the years.
[8:02] How can parents start preparing their children emotionally
[8:06] for changes in the living arrangement?
[8:09] Do kids need to understand the difference
[8:12] between physical custody, legal custody?
[8:14] This is where I'm going to be living,
[8:15] but this is who's going to be making the decisions
[8:17] on what school I go to or what doctors I see.
[8:22] How does that play into preparing the kids for after divorce?
[8:27] To be honest Lisa, that's not really what I consider
[8:32] a good method of working with the children.
[8:35] In other words, what we're trying to establish with the children
[8:37] is life's not going to be different for you.
[8:40] So while they have a residential home,
[8:43] we don't like to call, I don't like to call it that.
[8:46] I just like to let them know, this is where you're living.
[8:50] It's probably your same bedroom, the same house you were in.
[8:53] And now you're going to have another house to visit.
[8:57] And that's going to be when you spend time with dad.
[9:00] They need to understand that they do have a home base
[9:04] or a place, okay?
[9:05] You don't want them to think that they're free floating now
[9:09] and they really don't have a home.
[9:11] The idea is let them know that they have a home,
[9:15] they still have a home, and now the differences,
[9:18] they have a second home, they have a place
[9:20] where they're going to visit dad,
[9:22] they're going to do things with him,
[9:24] and they're going to spend some time with him
[9:26] separate from the mother, which may be different and may not.
[9:29] They may have always had separate experiences
[9:33] with the father of the mother.
[9:35] So the best way to prepare them is to just try and let them think
[9:40] a giant, let them know, again, maybe you could just edit that.
[9:46] The best method of dealing with the children
[9:49] is to establish security and stability.
[9:55] Try and keep it as normal as possible
[9:58] and as not disruptive, all right?
[10:05] There are a lot of changes for the children,
[10:07] but I think it's important and I usually coach the mothers
[10:12] to be very supportive of the children's visits with the father,
[10:18] not to disparage, not to say if the child says,
[10:23] I don't want to see daddy say, okay, you don't have to go.
[10:26] Yes, there's an order the child does have to go
[10:30] and it's important for the health of the child
[10:33] and for the father and the mother.
[10:36] It's your job to make the child understand.
[10:39] Things are a little different now,
[10:41] but yes, you're going to spend time with dad
[10:43] and Monday, Wednesday, whatever it is,
[10:46] that's when you have to go.
[10:48] The child can't steer the bus here and say,
[10:51] I want or I don't want, they have to understand
[10:54] that this is a new way of living and it's okay.
[11:00] Nothing is going to change except you have two places to be
[11:05] and you have to see dad and you have to spend time.
[11:10] The worst thing you can do is allow the child to say,
[11:15] I don't want to go or say, call up the father and say,
[11:19] oh, they're crying, they don't want to go with this.
[11:22] That's just upsetting to the child eventually.
[11:26] It just becomes, it comes a nightmare
[11:30] because you wind up back in court
[11:32] and the child is upset because the child realizes
[11:36] they don't really have to say.
[11:38] And that becomes very, very disruptive to the child's life.
[11:44] The most important thing you can do for them
[11:46] is give them the stability.
[11:48] The stability to know,
[11:50] life's going to continue, okay, for you.
[11:53] Pat, we hear this statement often
[11:55] and I'm curious how it applies to custody decisions.
[12:00] What does the best interest of the child standard mean
[12:06] when it comes to custody decisions?
[12:08] The term best interest of the child
[12:12] is something that's come down through the years
[12:15] and it's come down mostly through case law, okay?
[12:18] By that, I mean judges have used that as a standard.
[12:22] When there's custody fights or parents are fighting over custody,
[12:28] the courts have decided the only way to settle it fairly
[12:32] is to take a look at the children
[12:34] and what's going to be the best place for these children,
[12:38] where are they going to thrive,
[12:40] where are they going to find stability,
[12:42] where are they going to sell at school,
[12:45] where are they going to be able to continue
[12:47] their friendships with children or their activities
[12:51] or remain in the same schools and not have to go
[12:54] and change everything.
[12:55] So there's a lot of factors which parent
[12:59] is the one giving them the most emotional stability
[13:04] or emotional support,
[13:05] which parent is doing the best things for the child,
[13:10] whether the child needs a therapist,
[13:13] whether the child needs a tutor,
[13:15] whether the child needs braces.
[13:17] You have to look to the parent that's being responsible,
[13:20] the parent that's looking at the child and saying,
[13:24] what's the best thing for the child?
[13:26] So best interest comes down to not looking at the parents
[13:30] and saying who is the better parent.
[13:33] They look at that simply to determine
[13:36] which is the better parent that's going to do the best
[13:39] for the child.
[13:40] So best interest just focuses on
[13:44] where is the child going to be most helped
[13:46] and that's where the court's looking to place the child.
[13:51] Pat, what common mistakes do you see parents
[13:55] sometimes make during custody discussions
[13:58] that can ultimately hurt their kids or their case?
[14:02] There are several big ones and one of the most,
[14:06] one of the most upsetting or egregious things a parent can do
[14:10] is to try and alienate the child.
[14:12] In other words, pick me, pick me, pick me.
[14:16] Why?
[14:17] And then they will start saying, your mother did this,
[14:19] your mother did that, or your father had an affair,
[14:23] your father doesn't love us, your father did this.
[14:25] He left us, he's not giving me money.
[14:29] That's a big no-no.
[14:30] Whether the father pays child support or not,
[14:33] you're not to bring that up with the children.
[14:36] That's an issue parents need to work at.
[14:39] You can't and you shouldn't do anything
[14:43] to alienate the child from the father.
[14:45] No, parental alienation is a term that's how I somewhat
[14:49] was favorite, but it's come back with an extraordinary,
[14:54] extraordinary, powerful, I don't know exactly what word,
[14:59] but it's come back to haunt the parents and the courts
[15:04] because it's hard to believe, but a parent
[15:09] can alienate a child who had no issue being with the mother
[15:13] or no issue being with the father.
[15:15] Just through their actions or through their denigrating
[15:22] of the other parent, make the child not
[15:26] want to be with that parent and object to visitation
[15:30] to act out when they're with that parent.
[15:33] So the best thing you can do for your child
[15:35] when it comes to visitation is to try and take
[15:39] your animosity and your anger and put it aside
[15:44] and understand that a child does need both parents
[15:48] to have an healthy emotional life.
[15:51] And giving them that is the biggest gift
[15:54] you could give your children.
[15:55] I like that.
[15:57] Here's where I want to wrap up today's episode.
[16:00] How can divorce coaching help moms separate their feelings
[16:05] about their ex from the parenting decisions
[16:10] that need to be made?
[16:11] That's a very good question.
[16:14] It's, again, it's very hard.
[16:16] It's very difficult because when women or men
[16:21] are meshed into this divorce process,
[16:23] it is so overwhelming.
[16:26] It's this so many different facets of it
[16:29] that have to be addressed.
[16:31] That the mere fact of what should I be doing
[16:36] or how should I work with the children
[16:38] or how can I take the anger issues and put them aside.
[16:44] Again, this is where a divorce coach can be very helpful
[16:49] because you can explain to the client
[16:52] that what you're feeling now, what you're going through
[16:55] has a lot to do with the fact that you're
[16:57] in the middle of the divorce.
[16:59] At the feelings change, things smooth out after
[17:03] the parent who is so angry and so interfering
[17:07] with visitation or whatever.
[17:09] After everything settles down and they realize it's okay,
[17:13] they're not losing your children.
[17:15] Mom is being supportive and things are going to be okay.
[17:19] Then things settle down more into a normal pattern
[17:24] or at least a normal pattern for the divorce parents
[17:28] and the children.
[17:30] It's very important to have someone there
[17:33] telling you throughout.
[17:35] The best thing to do is to make sure
[17:37] that you don't take your anger out on the children,
[17:40] you don't try to manipulate your children
[17:44] and it can be done.
[17:47] I've seen the voices where the parents come out
[17:51] very stable, the children are happy
[17:54] and they co-parent.
[17:57] That's really what we're looking for.
[17:59] Parents who can co-parent their children
[18:02] no matter how angry they are or how much they hate each other.
[18:06] The focus has to be on what's best for the kids
[18:09] and how can we make them as strong as individuals
[18:13] as they can be.
[18:15] Well said, the goal is to raise healthy adults,
[18:18] not just healthy kids.
[18:19] We want them to be able to transition through this process
[18:23] and with you in their court,
[18:26] I can see how they'll get there.
[18:27] Thank you so much for your insights today, Pat.
[18:29] War welcomes nice being here.
[18:32] Folks, thank you for listening to buy your side
[18:35] divorce law and support with Patricia Sokolich.
[18:40] If you're facing custody questions
[18:42] and want guidance on how to protect your children
[18:45] while staying calm and focused,
[18:47] Pat offers private coaching to help moms navigate
[18:50] these challenges with confidence.
[18:53] To learn more or schedule a session,
[18:55] you can call 9-1-7-4-7-8-7-5-0-5 or visit Sokolich Law.
[19:05] I'm sorry, let me restate that.
[19:08] Or visit Sokolichfamilylaw.com.
[19:13] And if this episode was helpful, please be sure to like,
[19:16] leave a review, and subscribe so you don't miss the next episode.
[19:20] We'll see you next time.
[19:24] Thanks for watching.
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