Full Transcript for What Changes When Leaders Learn to Truly Listen

communicate with confidence, and step into your next level of influence without sacrificing your time or your budget. 00:05:56.422 --> 00:06:00.259 If you're ready to become the leader people trust and follow. 00:06:00.392 --> 00:06:02.161 This is your moment. 00:06:02.694 --> 00:06:04.396 The link is in the description. 00:06:04.396 --> 00:06:07.632 You can get it on our website in our courses tab. 00:06:07.632 --> 00:06:09.435 CoachDoraMendez.com. 00:06:09.968 --> 00:06:13.139 Leadership transformation is right there for you. 00:06:15.274 --> 00:06:16.509 So. Let's. 00:06:16.509 --> 00:06:17.877 Get to it. 00:06:17.877 --> 00:06:21.213 We're going to be bringing our fantastic guests today. 00:06:21.781 --> 00:06:24.850 I'm going to have our guests introduce themselves. 00:06:25.418 --> 00:06:27.853 And I think you're going to get a lot out of it. 00:06:28.420 --> 00:06:33.059 So let's give a round of applause and welcome today's guests. 00:06:33.625 --> 00:06:35.427 Nancy, how are you? 00:06:37.430 --> 00:06:39.232 I love the applause, I do. 00:06:39.899 --> 00:06:41.600 It's so good to be here. 00:06:41.600 --> 00:06:48.074 I'm Nancy Marmolejo, and everybody gets a gold star for saying my last name correctly, so kudos on that. 00:06:48.374 --> 00:06:50.175 And, I'm just really. 00:06:50.175 --> 00:06:54.180 I loved listening to you do the introduction. 00:06:54.579 --> 00:06:59.451 I think there's something about hearing our work said back to us and someone else's words. 00:06:59.951 --> 00:07:03.723 And I was listening, thinking, wow, that person sounds really cool. 00:07:03.723 --> 00:07:04.956 That sounds great. 00:07:04.956 --> 00:07:06.858 Oh, that's me. That's my book. 00:07:06.858 --> 00:07:12.697 So I'm I'm really excited to be here to share this with you and your, your listeners. 00:07:12.732 --> 00:07:14.934 So thank you for inviting me today. 00:07:16.869 --> 00:07:19.105 Nancy, I'm so excited to talk to you. 00:07:19.404 --> 00:07:25.610 I want to first, thank you for your patience, because we've been trying to make this happen for a while, and it's so interesting. 00:07:25.610 --> 00:07:33.952 We met in an online community like this show is all about building community, and we met in community. 00:07:34.754 --> 00:07:38.057 We met at Lean Latinas, and then we followed each other. 00:07:38.057 --> 00:07:39.826 Like, we just began following each other. 00:07:39.826 --> 00:07:40.892 And we share. 00:07:40.892 --> 00:07:47.132 I wanted to share for our listeners and our viewers that were on Substack, and we fall. 00:07:47.199 --> 00:07:54.072 We've been following each other on Substack, and I get so inspired by your work. 00:07:54.072 --> 00:07:58.711 And I think that our listeners and our viewers are going to be so inspired by your story. 00:07:59.077 --> 00:08:07.220 So let me pass the, the mic to you, and I'd love to hear your leadership story. 00:08:07.220 --> 00:08:09.088 Share, share your leadership story. 00:08:09.088 --> 00:08:10.889 What would you like to share with our community? 00:08:11.057 --> 00:08:17.062 I think it has to start when I was 13 years old and my my weekends were taken away from me. 00:08:17.096 --> 00:08:21.100 My dad had a business and I had to go to work for him. 00:08:21.100 --> 00:08:27.339 And it was every Saturday and Sunday you get there at like eight in the morning, and I'd work there till about 4:00. 00:08:27.339 --> 00:08:30.242 And, and my older and the youngest of six kids. 00:08:30.242 --> 00:08:34.580 And when you have a big family and a family business, everybody starts working at a certain point. 00:08:35.047 --> 00:08:40.653 I was the spoiled one because I didn't have to start until I was 13, when my sisters were like nine and ten years old. 00:08:40.653 --> 00:08:43.089 They were like at the cash register, ringing things up. 00:08:43.855 --> 00:09:06.379 And it was that experience of just not necessarily even being trained in leadership, but being thrown into situations where you have to make decisions and you have to interact with people and you have to, you know, just be aware of how you're acting and how that's coming across to the people you're working with and the public that you're working with. 00:09:06.546 --> 00:09:17.423 And really, it started there, you know, and going on through life, it seemed like whatever I did for a living, I was a teacher for many years. 00:09:17.423 --> 00:09:19.258 And, you know, who wants to be on this committee? 00:09:19.258 --> 00:09:20.293 Who wants to be on that committee? 00:09:20.293 --> 00:09:24.163 I, I raised my hand because I was always learning something. 00:09:24.596 --> 00:09:35.173 The the leadership would sometimes stress me out because I originally I didn't know how to, really, regulate what I was saying yes to. 00:09:35.173 --> 00:09:37.243 I'd say yes too many to too many things. 00:09:37.243 --> 00:09:41.514 So I learned that leadership is not about saying yes to everything. 00:09:41.647 --> 00:09:48.653 And then I started a business in the early 2000s, and I've had it ever since. 00:09:48.653 --> 00:09:56.328 And that has been a huge, huge opportunity to develop leadership in both the people that I work with. 00:09:56.328 --> 00:09:58.129 Team members. 00:09:58.197 --> 00:10:08.740 Colleagues, collaborators and, and just, you know, building this incredible, incredible life that seems to stem around leadership. 00:10:11.910 --> 00:10:19.884 Nancy, there's something that you said that really struck me, that leadership isn't always about saying yes. 00:10:21.821 --> 00:10:41.506 And, that that strikes me a lot because I find that there's like this leadership trap where we because when people gravitate towards you and I know people gravitate towards you, Nancy, because I know I certainly have. 00:10:42.841 --> 00:10:46.278 And I'm really excited to talk more about your book. 00:10:47.413 --> 00:11:02.094 And before we get dig into that, I just want to say, like the like the

leadership trap, like because people come to you, you almost like, don't want to let them down, right? 00:11:02.094 --> 00:11:06.966 So like because they because you can tell like, wow, you're just be yourself. 00:11:06.966 --> 00:11:08.768 You're doing your thing. 00:11:08.868 --> 00:11:11.971 You're making decisions. 00:11:11.971 --> 00:11:15.240 And people like really respect you. 00:11:15.240 --> 00:11:18.943 And they come to you and they're and they ask you for stuff. 00:11:18.943 --> 00:11:20.613 All the time. 00:11:18.943 --> 00:11:20.613 You don't want to let them down. 00:11:20.613 --> 00:11:25.784 And so I'd love to hear your thoughts on like how how do you manage that? 00:11:25.784 --> 00:11:33.893 Because, it's hard to say no when people, you know, when you don't want to let people down. 00:11:33.893 --> 00:11:40.231 So I would love, like, just also for myself because I find that I have that, issue. 00:11:40.231 --> 00:11:43.269 Like, sometimes I feel like it's really hard to say. 00:11:43.269 --> 00:11:44.736 No, that happens. 00:11:44.736 --> 00:11:48.106 And, you know, they say if you want something done, ask a busy person. 00:11:49.774 --> 00:11:52.144 And I have been that busy person. 00:11:52.144 --> 00:11:55.581 It's in this last year, especially working on the book. 00:11:55.681 --> 00:12:06.692 I have shut a lot of things down in my life where I used to just give my time freely to organizations and causes and groups and whatnot, and then all I had left for me were the crumbs. 00:12:07.293 --> 00:12:14.133 And leadership isn't about just, you know, giving it all away, giving all your energy away. 00:12:14.533 --> 00:12:22.441 It's really about having an eye on everything and being able to see what's mine to do and what is best if somebody else does it. 00:12:22.774 --> 00:12:28.447 And there are times when you don't say yes and it's very uncomfortable. 00:12:29.081 --> 00:12:30.649 Everyone's uncomfortable. 00:12:30.649 --> 00:12:33.885 They're they're looking at you because they want you to come in and save the day. 00:12:33.885 --> 00:12:36.154 It's like, oh, can't Dora just come in and do it? 00:12:36.154 --> 00:12:37.722 Can't Nancy just come in and do it? 00:12:37.722 --> 00:12:40.658 Because we trained them to expect us to do it. 00:12:41.059 --> 00:12:44.363 But you step back and say, I'm just not going to be able to do it. 00:12:44.562 --> 00:12:47.832 And eventually usually doesn't take too long. 00:12:47.832 --> 00:12:50.702 Somebody will say, I'll do it. 00:12:51.336 --> 00:12:58.576 And in stepping back and letting somebody new come in and say yes to it, I learned so many things. 00:12:58.576 --> 00:13:00.479 I like the way they're doing it. 00:13:00.745 --> 00:13:06.351 They thought of something that I hadn't thought of or it brings a different energy, a new take. 00:13:06.851 --> 00:13:10.022 Rarely is it awful, you know, sometimes it is. 00:13:10.022 --> 00:13:16.562 But I'll say on the majority of the times it

turns into something that is innovative. 00:13:16.562 --> 00:13:22.168 And because now I've seen some things just, you know, go down in flames like, oops, I'm sorry. 00:13:22.500 --> 00:13:24.570 But it's okay to make mistakes. 00:13:24.570 --> 00:13:28.440 Like I try to tell like my team. 00:13:29.408 --> 00:13:35.246 Like it's okay to make mistakes, you know, like it's not the worst thing. 00:13:35.246 --> 00:13:53.631 I'd rather than try something new or like, try and, what I started doing with that in that respect, which just like letting go instead of saying no, I started, asking people to take turns. 00:13:53.899 --> 00:13:55.267 Oh, nice. 00:13:55.267 --> 00:13:56.769 Like, let's all go around. 00:13:56.769 --> 00:14:16.120 Let's like, kind of take turns and then every, every meeting there's going to be a different person taking the, the lead so that people on the team, feel a little, less dependent on me, you know, for to lead to lead. 00:14:17.255 --> 00:14:36.408 And so that's like something I, that's something I had started to is, is new something new that, that, I'm trying so but the fact that you raised that, like, organically, like it's not always about saying yes really resonated with me because I'm trying something new. 00:14:36.408 --> 00:14:38.210 I'm trying to be less. 00:14:38.277 --> 00:14:46.317 I'm trying to like, be more open and, and and I love that what you said, if you want to get something done, ask, busy person. 00:14:46.451 --> 00:14:47.519 You know, it's like that. 00:14:47.519 --> 00:14:52.124 Part of it is I think it's really important to understand who has what strengths. 00:14:52.557 --> 00:15:01.066 My ideal form of leadership is being like, Ocean's 11 and everybody's an expert in their field. 00:15:01.066 --> 00:15:05.937 The safecracker and the, you know, the the person who does this and. 00:15:07.105 --> 00:15:12.211 For, for some of the younger listeners and viewers, that's Ocean's 11. 00:15:12.778 --> 00:15:14.145 There are two versions. 00:15:14.145 --> 00:15:20.251 There's the Frank Sinatra with the Rat Pack, and then the Sandra Bullock version. 00:15:21.953 --> 00:15:23.254 And it's actually Oceans Eight. 00:15:23.254 --> 00:15:27.058 That there are so inviting you all to be in a life of crime. 00:15:27.058 --> 00:15:36.534 But what I am inviting you to be the life of expertise is each person on the team was brought there because they were great at something and there was no overlap. 00:15:36.534 --> 00:15:42.508 So you stay in your lane, you stay in your lane and then at the end of the day, boom, we just accomplished something great. 00:15:42.508 --> 00:15:54.687 And I think that when people understand their strengths, I do a lot of work around having people understand their strengths, like then do that, don't come over here and try to do this thing that you're not good at. 00:15:54.687 --> 00:16:08.267 Because many years ago, there was a firm that I worked with that did an assessment, and the head of

that firm said that when you work outside of your strengths, it uses up ten times the energy. 00:16:08.900 --> 00:16:10.469 Then when you're working in your strengths. 00:16:10.469 --> 00:16:15.240 So, sure, I can finish that spreadsheet for you and do all that stuff. 00:16:15.240 --> 00:16:17.609 But that kid, that is not my strength. 00:16:17.609 --> 00:16:21.879 I will be exhausted at the end of it, and there will not be much left for me to do. 00:16:21.879 --> 00:16:31.023 And I think that's one of the things when you say yes to too many things, if you're saying yes to things that are not in your area of strengths, that is going to bite you in the end. 00:16:33.993 --> 00:16:34.860 That's great. 00:16:34.860 --> 00:16:36.662 That's great. 00:16:37.428 --> 00:16:39.230 That's great advice. 00:16:39.565 --> 00:16:54.145 And actually a good segue, because the whole Ocean's 11, Ocean's eight, where there's like a diversity of skills that and they play to the strengths. 00:16:55.246 --> 00:17:04.323 And it's an it I hope our I'm pretty sure our listeners and viewers are, sophisticated enough to know that we're not inviting them to crime. 00:17:04.323 --> 00:17:07.558 We're using it as an example of how of good teamwork. 00:17:07.558 --> 00:17:08.326 Right. 00:17:08.326 --> 00:17:22.074 So that's a great segue about community, because here at the Building Leadership Community podcast, we really started this because I went from being a leader, at a really big organization. 00:17:22.074 --> 00:17:32.284 And I had an assistant and I had department, and then I went to starting a business, and I was lonely. 00:17:32.617 --> 00:17:36.320 It was it was it was a I became a solopreneur. 00:17:36.654 --> 00:17:38.990 And then I was like, how do I connect with people? 00:17:38.990 --> 00:17:41.093 And I said, I'm just, I'm going to start this podcast. 00:17:41.093 --> 00:17:42.661 I don't know if anyone's going to listen. 00:17:43.662 --> 00:17:56.842 Fortunately, people have, and I just wanted to connect and, and build a community to, like, help me, but also help others and learn from others. 00:17:56.842 --> 00:18:00.711 So what does community mean to you? 00:18:00.711 --> 00:18:02.280 How did you define who. 00:18:00.711 --> 00:18:02.280 You were talking? 00:18:02.280 --> 00:18:05.250 I was just thinking about there's you naming things. 00:18:05.416 --> 00:18:06.751 There's so many layers to it. 00:18:06.751 --> 00:18:08.554 You know, there's not one way. 00:18:08.554 --> 00:18:19.064 So I think, you know, first of all, the community that we live in, who's in our community, who are our neighbors, what are our institutions that are around us, and how are we connected to those? 00:18:19.431 --> 00:18:27.638 I have made a concerted effort, in the last year to utilize public libraries more than ever. 00:18:27.972 --> 00:18:40.018 And I find so many things like our libraries here, I live in in Oakland, California, you can get seeds from the library, you can get

baking equipment, you can get tools, and you can get books. 00:18:40.018 --> 00:18:42.386 And I went to a free sound bath at the library. 00:18:42.386 --> 00:18:43.588 So those are for me. 00:18:43.588 --> 00:18:51.430 Community is like thriving in the institutions and organizations and public spaces all around us. 00:18:51.430 --> 00:18:53.231 That's one part of it. 00:18:53.664 --> 00:18:55.134 And then the other. 00:18:55.134 --> 00:18:56.434 I love it. 00:18:56.434 --> 00:18:59.671 I love it, I just want I want to pause there. 00:18:59.671 --> 00:19:05.544 I want to let you get to your other part, but I just want to highlight bibliotecas as all over the world, okay. 00:19:05.544 --> 00:19:07.746 This is where it's, we. 00:19:08.012 --> 00:19:11.316 We actually do the same here for our children. 00:19:12.284 --> 00:19:21.926 Folks who listen to the show know that, my podcast co-producers, my husband and we have two kids who have hosted the show, Nancy. 00:19:21.926 --> 00:19:25.897 So if you haven't seen the episode where our kids host, they they mimicked us. 00:19:25.897 --> 00:19:31.202 They watch us do the show, and then they said, we want to do a show, and we let them. 00:19:31.202 --> 00:19:32.637 They did the script, everything. 00:19:32.637 --> 00:19:34.272 We didn't tell them what to say. 00:19:34.272 --> 00:19:36.074 And it was fantastic. 00:19:36.174 --> 00:19:38.710 And we love public libraries. 00:19:39.510 --> 00:19:40.077 For your. 00:19:40.077 --> 00:19:41.547 Story, you know that we're kindred. 00:19:41.547 --> 00:19:54.792 Spirits and, it we're in New York, we're in New York State, and we love, we especially first we did it for our kids, but then we found that it just made our lives easier to do. 00:19:55.027 --> 00:19:58.196 And as a solopreneur, you're working at home a lot. 00:19:58.230 --> 00:20:05.470 It's a great space to go to do work and like just to get out and like, see other people and get out of your environment. 00:20:05.470 --> 00:20:15.580 So, shout out to public libraries and you can get you can get free e-books and hopefully our books will be in the public library, too. 00:20:15.580 --> 00:20:27.692 Nancy was, You know, just coincidentally, the day before yesterday, I spontaneously went to this library in Mill Valley, California, which is north of the Golden Gate Bridge. 00:20:27.692 --> 00:20:30.127 It is one of the most beautiful libraries you've ever been to. 00:20:30.127 --> 00:20:39.371 It's nestled in a redwood grove overlooking a creek, and it has these floor to ceiling windows where you sit in a leather chair overlooking redwoods in a creek. 00:20:39.871 --> 00:20:41.306 And you can read a book and you can do a thing. 00:20:41.306 --> 00:20:46.411 And then there happened to be a lecture going on, and I'm like, oh, it was just this magical day. 00:20:46.678 --> 00:20:48.212 And I said, this is, this is so good. 00:20:48.212 --> 00:20:51.682 So that's community from the larger aspect. 00:20:52.483 --> 00:21:01.326 But then kind of going in the circle, you know, then there was the, the, the communities that we have our, our, our industry are our peers. 00:21:01.559 --> 00:21:06.932 So I'm friends with all these other consultants, leadership coaches, you know, you and I, we're kindred spirits. 00:21:07.465 --> 00:21:13.305 I don't say like, oh, you might I can't I can't let you get that to that person because you're going to steal a client from me. 00:21:13.305 --> 00:21:14.673 It's like, oh gosh, you're kidding. 00:21:14.673 --> 00:21:18.876 We get to know each other, find out who who do you do business with? 00:21:19.176 --> 00:21:20.444 Oh, who do you do business with? 00:21:20.444 --> 00:21:23.248 The next thing you know, we start referring things to each other. 00:21:23.248 --> 00:21:25.116 So to me that's a level of community. 00:21:25.483 --> 00:21:29.054 And then there's also people where I am at this stage in life. 00:21:29.488 --> 00:21:39.131 There are a lot of folks who are up and coming, and I don't know, I'm like the frontier or something, but there's a lot of folks who are a bit younger and they're like, want to talk to me? 00:21:39.298 --> 00:21:44.670 And I'm, I think because I'm open minded and nothing's weird to me, I'm just like, oh, that's cool, let's do it. 00:21:44.670 --> 00:21:47.873 And that gives people some hope. 00:21:47.873 --> 00:21:53.744 They feel seen and and so I'm on all these different layers of community. 00:21:53.778 --> 00:21:58.083 I was a volunteer coordinator in my at my spiritual community. 00:21:58.349 --> 00:22:01.353 And I would just say, okay, how much time do you have? 00:22:01.353 --> 00:22:02.788 Or what do you know how to do? 00:22:02.788 --> 00:22:08.626 And there was a woman, there is a woman, and she has multiple sclerosis, and her mobility is limited. 00:22:09.060 --> 00:22:10.662 And she's like, I want to find a way to volunteer. 00:22:10.662 --> 00:22:11.563 And I said, you know what? 00:22:11.563 --> 00:22:15.299 We need somebody to remind the volunteers to show up for their volunteer work. 00:22:15.299 --> 00:22:16.701 She's like, I got you. 00:22:16.701 --> 00:22:26.478 So her nickname is The Human Reminder, and she messages and people show up in the right place at the right time because of our human reminder. 00:22:26.778 --> 00:22:31.849 And it was just simply finding out how how much time and what can you offer. 00:22:32.384 --> 00:22:34.786 And, you know, little things like that. 00:22:34.786 --> 00:22:38.690 I just feel like everybody can be a part of a community. 00:22:38.690 --> 00:22:45.262 When we think in an inclusive way, and we look again at people's strengths and, and just build from that. 00:22:45.262 --> 00:22:58.309 I've seen miraculous things happen as a result of people identifying something that they're good at, sharing it with the world, sharing it in the work that they do, sharing it in the way that they show up in their in their local communities. 00:22:58.309 -->

00:23:00.112 It's it's beautiful. 00:23:00.345 --> 00:23:03.848 I love the way you think about community as layers. 00:23:06.050 --> 00:23:16.595 And it's sort of segue, as you mentioned, young people, younger people than yourselves, than yourself. 00:23:16.595 --> 00:23:22.099 So that's a great segue into our conversation. 00:23:22.099 --> 00:23:23.634 Prompt. 00:23:23.634 --> 00:23:36.615 What would you tell your younger self, what advice, you know, do you think the next generation of leaders would glean from you? 00:23:37.516 --> 00:23:42.019 Maybe something you would go back and tell your younger self, oh. 00:23:42.820 --> 00:23:44.623 I mean, how much time do you have? 00:23:44.923 --> 00:23:52.096 Because one thing, why don't you just pick one nugget like some, like one nugget. 00:23:52.830 --> 00:23:53.265 Yeah. 00:23:53.265 --> 00:23:56.401 I think that it's safe to be. 00:23:57.803 --> 00:24:03.808 I feel that there are for, for every generation, there's always that insecurity growing up. 00:24:03.808 --> 00:24:05.777 There's like, too much. 00:24:06.211 --> 00:24:09.748 Or if I show the real me, people won't like me. 00:24:10.048 --> 00:24:25.230 And then I see how especially like around some Gen Z and Gen Alpha, this whole concept of cringe like doing something awkward and being publicly recognized for your awkwardness, that is the biggest fear. 00:24:25.529 --> 00:24:28.333 And what I see happen is it holds people back. 00:24:28.700 --> 00:24:31.336 It holds people back from saying or doing something. 00:24:32.069 --> 00:24:42.247 I met with this educator, does research in the schools, and she was telling me how, you know, these kids are sitting in the classroom and they don't know their classmates. 00:24:42.513 --> 00:24:44.682 They don't know their classmates names. 00:24:45.083 --> 00:24:53.157 They're afraid to even form friendships because this fear of being cringing like, oh, what if I say or do something? 00:24:53.157 --> 00:24:57.328 And then it turns out they film me, and then the whole world sees how, you know, awkward. 00:24:57.328 --> 00:25:04.836 I am, I, I want to go and give each one of them a big hug and say, you know, I want I want to create a safe space. 00:25:04.836 --> 00:25:18.282 I love the fact that a lot of schools have banned phones now, but I look back at myself and I think even without social media, even without cell phones, there was always that fear of just stepping out and doing something. 00:25:18.549 --> 00:25:21.152 And and at a certain point, I finally did. 00:25:21.853 --> 00:25:30.261 And it gave me the sense of freedom that I didn't have to conform to the things that other people were bound by. 00:25:30.394 --> 00:25:34.065 I was I became a big nonconformist in my in my teenage years. 00:25:34.065 --> 00:25:35.232 I kind of became known for that. 00:25:35.232 --> 00:25:37.035 And I've stuck with it the whole way. 00:25:37.201 --> 00:25:40.372 And I really feel like that is a sense of freedom. 00:25:40.905 --> 00:25:51.482 And it takes a lot of courage to, because not everybody's going to like what you're doing, and you might have a few side eyes, but hey, you're free, you're happy. 00:25:51.950 --> 00:25:53.451 I think we all deserve that. 00:25:53.451 --> 00:26:00.825 I think that's great advice for, every for everyone, for all generations, for everyone. 00:26:00.825 --> 00:26:02.626 And it's safe to be you. 00:26:03.595 --> 00:26:09.334 And that's the whole thing about being authentic and authenticity. 00:26:09.334 --> 00:26:15.406 I know it's like, overused buzzword, but there's, It's so funny. 00:26:15.406 --> 00:26:19.477 You mentioned cringe because we have two gen alphas in our house. 00:26:21.546 --> 00:26:24.615 And, I just, I love it. 00:26:24.615 --> 00:26:28.819 I think, that's a that's some great, observation. 00:26:28.819 --> 00:26:35.527 So I'd love for you to share. Now, I love to go back to your book. 00:26:35.527 --> 00:26:42.901 So, what is it that you, you know, want to share about your book? 00:26:42.933 --> 00:26:44.234 Tell us about it. 00:26:44.234 --> 00:26:54.144 Tell us, how people can get it, how people can get in touch with you, follow you, and learn more about your philosophy. 00:26:55.180 --> 00:27:09.059 Well, I am, it's not published yet as of this interview, and I really, Please praying to the book gods that I can just finish it because there's some days, I have the whole thing written, but I'm just this never ending fine tuner. 00:27:09.493 --> 00:27:13.263 But it's called her transforming leadership through the power of listening. 00:27:13.530 --> 00:27:25.376 And the reason why I'm writing a book about listening is because for many, many years I have worked with solopreneurs and small businesses, medium sized businesses, large organizations, leadership teams. 00:27:25.410 --> 00:27:32.651 And no matter what we're doing, no matter what we're working on, whether it's people, skills, even branding, there's some. 00:27:32.851 --> 00:27:34.719 The common thread is listening. 00:27:35.153 --> 00:27:40.125 Listening to another person, listening to feedback, really being present. 00:27:40.125 --> 00:27:52.470 And I thought, oh, if I could find the one thing that sort of like at the the origin, at the source of everything, you know, you, you change that thing at the source and it's going to change all of those other things. 00:27:52.470 --> 00:27:57.442 So rather than teach ten things, how about if I teach one that impacts those ten things? 00:27:57.709 --> 00:27:59.144 And that's listening. 00:27:59.144 --> 00:28:01.746 My framework for listening is pretty simple. 00:28:01.746 --> 00:28:02.980 It's based on three things. 00:28:02.980 --> 00:28:05.150 And I like short frameworks. 00:28:05.150 --> 00:28:09.721 I don't want the eight letters that I have to memorize a word, and then I forget what each letter stands for. 00:28:09.721 --> 00:28:11.522 Three things easy. 00:28:11.789 --> 00:28:13.258 And it's the

heard framework. 00:28:14.224 --> 00:28:16.060 Underneath it all is self-awareness. 00:28:16.428 --> 00:28:19.798 So I'm going to just say self-awareness is the key to all of this. 00:28:19.798 --> 00:28:23.134 But the three steps are what number one presents. 00:28:23.667 --> 00:28:25.069 How present am I? 00:28:25.069 --> 00:28:27.872 Am I distracted? 00:28:25.069 --> 00:28:27.872 Am I talking to you? 00:28:27.872 --> 00:28:32.009 But then I'm looking at my phone or I have a meeting in five minutes. 00:28:32.009 --> 00:28:34.846 So I'm actually thinking about that meeting I'm supposed to be in. 00:28:34.846 --> 00:28:36.980 And your mouth is moving and you're talking and I'm. 00:28:37.015 --> 00:28:38.048 I'm not even here. 00:28:38.048 --> 00:28:45.856 I've checked out the self-awareness piece to say is noting that what can I do to eliminate distractions? 00:28:45.856 --> 00:28:55.633 What can I do so I can be fully present in this moment, even if it's one minute for one hour, and then the next piece in the framework is patience. 00:28:55.633 --> 00:28:59.203 And this is the one I'm going to say, I teach this, but I'm not perfect at it. 00:28:59.203 --> 00:29:02.373 It's like if I were a personal trainer, I still need to go to the gym. 00:29:02.373 --> 00:29:03.741 I still need my protein. 00:29:03.741 --> 00:29:05.210 I just can't tell you what to do. 00:29:05.210 --> 00:29:07.010 I have to practice it as well. 00:29:07.244 --> 00:29:08.346 Patience. 00:29:08.346 --> 00:29:12.616 Because I grew up in this big family and we're all like talking at the same time. 00:29:12.750 --> 00:29:15.153 We would talk over each other, we'd interrupt each other. 00:29:15.153 --> 00:29:16.688 Hurry up, finish your story. 00:29:17.821 --> 00:29:19.423 That doesn't work everywhere. 00:29:19.423 --> 00:29:20.458 So the patience. 00:29:20.458 --> 00:29:22.259 Let somebody finish what they're saying. 00:29:23.728 --> 00:29:25.997 You. I said it earlier during the introduction. 00:29:25.997 --> 00:29:26.730 Like you. 00:29:26.730 --> 00:29:28.732 Are you thinking about your answer? 00:29:28.732 --> 00:29:31.536 While some that is talking, you're not even listening. 00:29:31.536 --> 00:29:35.940 But you want them to hurry up so you can come in there and say what you want to say. 00:29:36.807 --> 00:29:39.844 And then the last one is really about phrasing. 00:29:39.844 --> 00:29:41.546 What are the words that you're using? 00:29:41.546 --> 00:29:43.347 How are those words welcoming? 00:29:43.381 --> 00:29:49.520 Are you using words that open people up so that the conversation is richer, or are using words that shut people down? 00:29:49.788 --> 00:29:54.392 Somebody comes to you with a challenge, say, God, I really, really struggling with this thing. 00:29:55.192 --> 00:29:57.362 You don't know what they need. 00:29:57.362 --> 00:30:01.031 All they did is they told you that they're struggling with something. 00:30:01.231 --> 00:30:10.307 So are they asking you for a

fix or are they asking you for, to just listen to them vent? 00:30:10.775 --> 00:30:12.576 You know, you have to find out. 00:30:12.576 --> 00:30:15.246 And that's part of the phrasing is ask a question. 00:30:15.680 --> 00:30:19.017 Ask the question like, well, do you need to be helped or do you need to be heard? 00:30:19.349 --> 00:30:21.419 That is game changing. 00:30:21.419 --> 00:30:22.420 And people think. 00:30:22.420 --> 00:30:26.324 I mean, I take leaders through this as a training, and at the end of it, they're like. 00:30:28.526 --> 00:30:30.428 I've spent so many years just trying to fix people. 00:30:30.428 --> 00:30:33.064 I never even thought to find out if they needed to be heard. 00:30:33.330 --> 00:30:35.133 It's like day one. 00:30:35.232 --> 00:30:36.601 Rest of your life starts today. 00:30:36.601 --> 00:30:39.103 Right now we all, we're all works in progress. 00:30:39.136 --> 00:30:39.403 Dora. 00:30:39.403 --> 00:30:40.538 That's my that's my motto. 00:30:40.538 --> 00:30:41.739 I'm going to say that over and over. 00:30:41.739 --> 00:30:43.540 We are all works in progress. 00:30:43.842 --> 00:30:49.113 Yes. And and being a work in progress means some days we're going to do better than others. 00:30:49.113 --> 00:30:51.782 We're continuously learning and improving. 00:30:52.517 --> 00:30:54.551 Whoever's thinks they're done learning. 00:30:55.252 --> 00:30:55.920 I'm sorry. 00:30:55.920 --> 00:30:57.521 Sometimes I need to break it. 00:30:57.521 --> 00:30:59.022 Yeah. They call that narcissism. 00:30:59.022 --> 00:31:02.460 No, I oh, I, throw. 00:31:02.460 --> 00:31:03.694 In the game. 00:31:03.694 --> 00:31:07.397 But I just want to, I want to say the three. 00:31:07.832 --> 00:31:10.134 The three. PS, I love your framework. 00:31:10.134 --> 00:31:14.372 So it's, I just want to repeat it for listening. 00:31:15.173 --> 00:31:15.373 Yeah. 00:31:15.373 --> 00:31:20.811 So it's presence, present patience, pace, phrasing. 00:31:20.811 --> 00:31:22.380 Phrase I. Love it. 00:31:22.380 --> 00:31:23.981 I think that's it's the we. 00:31:25.717 --> 00:31:27.919 You took the listening essentials quiz. 00:31:27.919 --> 00:31:29.253 I think. 00:31:29.253 --> 00:31:29.586 Did it. 00:31:29.586 --> 00:31:31.455 Oh I did I did okay. 00:31:31.455 --> 00:31:36.827 So at Heard leadership.com there's a little quiz and it asks you like some questions. 00:31:36.827 --> 00:31:38.596 And they're all on those three topics. 00:31:38.596 --> 00:31:43.034 And at the end of the quiz people get a score on each of those areas. 00:31:43.034 --> 00:31:45.103 So you can say, oh, I'm so good at phrasing. 00:31:45.103 --> 00:31:47.070 Oh, I'm not so good at patience. 00:31:47.372 --> 00:31:49.007 And then you get an overall score. 00:31:49.007 --> 00:31:53.344 And that's something that people people have had so much fun taking that. 00:31:53.344 --> 00:31:57.214 And sometimes they hang their head low and go, oh, I got the worst score. 00:31:57.214 --> 00:31:58.816 It's like you're human. 00:31:58.816 --> 00:32:01.118 There's no wrong answer, though in that, right? 00:32:01.118 --> 00:32:12.029 There's no it's just it's really just like to help, your compass, like, set a compass for, like, where you want to go, like where you want to reach. 00:32:12.029 --> 00:32:14.132 So there's no real wrong answers. 00:32:14.798 --> 00:32:17.969 But, so I guess that's a good segue. 00:32:17.969 --> 00:32:18.635 So tell. 00:32:18.635 --> 00:32:20.438 Yeah, tell us a website. 00:32:20.837 --> 00:32:23.441 Tell us how you want people to keep in touch with you. 00:32:23.441 --> 00:32:25.009 How do you want them to follow you? 00:32:25.009 --> 00:32:26.810 How can they connect with you? 00:32:26.944 --> 00:32:27.444 Okay. 00:32:27.444 --> 00:32:31.548 And you named a whole bunch of different spots that you and I know each other. 00:32:31.548 --> 00:32:34.719 It used to be you can say one thing and now there's like a thousand. 00:32:34.719 --> 00:32:44.295 So, if you go to HeardLeadership.com and take the quiz, take the quiz and finish the quiz, it takes like three minutes. 00:32:44.295 --> 00:32:47.798 Sometimes people do question at one and they, don't take this finished. 00:32:47.798 --> 00:32:48.766 Take the quiz. 00:32:50.101 --> 00:32:54.672 You know, drop your name and email in it and it'll send you out some tips. 00:32:54.939 --> 00:33:01.011 It'll send you a PDF of all of your results with some action steps, and then it'll help us stay in touch. 00:33:01.011 --> 00:33:02.814 So that's one good way. 00:33:02.814 --> 00:33:03.614 LinkedIn. 00:33:03.614 --> 00:33:05.482 I'm on LinkedIn, I love LinkedIn. 00:33:05.482 --> 00:33:16.794 So LinkedIn.com mi and slash my name Nancy Marmolejo and Marmolejo is spelled M-A-R-M-O-L-E-J-O. 00:33:17.127 --> 00:33:18.663 That's my LinkedIn. 00:33:18.663 --> 00:33:19.998 I'm writing on Substack. 00:33:19.998 --> 00:33:24.102 You could just search Nancy Marble, Lego and you'll find me, because that's probably the easiest way. 00:33:24.167 --> 00:33:31.275 And I recently started an Instagram account for Heard Leadership, and it's called HeardLeadership. 00:33:31.576 --> 00:33:33.845 Just kind of putting a few things out there. 00:33:33.845 --> 00:33:37.981 And that's herd, as in listening that “Herd” as in cattle. 00:33:38.583 --> 00:33:40.550 H-E-A-R-D. 00:33:40.550 --> 00:33:52.462 Yeah, I always, I always tell people“Heard H-E-A-R-D” not you know, it's funny because, the transcripts for these videos, it wants to make it “Herd of cattle” and it never gets my name right. 00:33:52.462 --> 00:33:58.603 So I'm if if the if the captions are incorrect, everybody just know that it's H-E-A-R-D. 00:33:58.736 --> 00:34:00.203 That's how we spell it. So. 00:34:00.203 --> 00:34:02.272 Yeah. So that was me. 00:34:03.240 --> 00:34:05.343 Spell it and making us spell it. 00:34:06.243 --> 00:34:08.880 So. Okay, AI make sure you get it right? 00:34:09.047 --> 00:34:10.514 Right.

00:34:10.514 --> 00:34:11.581 Teach I teach that. 00:34:11.581 --> 00:34:12.516 Teach the bots. 00:34:12.516 --> 00:34:23.894 Well, Dora, come on, But what I what I find with these with, with everywhere I am, whether it's on Substack, whether it's on Instagram or LinkedIn, whatever. 00:34:23.894 --> 00:34:28.266 I want things that are very usable and practical. 00:34:28.565 --> 00:34:33.438 And I also understand that this isn't like people will say, oh, I read a book about listening. 00:34:33.438 --> 00:34:39.110 I don't really need to talk to Nancy or oh, I they send us to a training and it's like, yeah, well, you know what? 00:34:39.242 --> 00:34:41.045 You're supposed to eat this much protein every day. 00:34:41.045 --> 00:34:45.248 It's not like, oh, I ate a, I ate 30g of protein, like five years ago. 00:34:45.248 --> 00:34:46.650 I never have to do it again. 00:34:46.650 --> 00:34:52.090 This is daily practice and I teach it and I need to work on it. 00:34:52.657 --> 00:35:03.701 And so I want to invite people to look at this as a practice, as a practice and self-awareness, and three areas where you can focus your self-awareness. 00:35:03.701 --> 00:35:05.369 And it changes things. 00:35:05.369 --> 00:35:10.141 It changes the relationships at work, it changes the dynamics at work. 00:35:10.141 --> 00:35:15.612 And then everybody calls me up and says, I tried this with my partner. 00:35:15.780 --> 00:35:17.414 I tried this with my kids. 00:35:17.414 --> 00:35:20.251 It's like, okay, how about it? 00:35:20.717 --> 00:35:24.088 That's, that's great feedback that you're getting. 00:35:24.088 --> 00:35:27.925 And, I'd love to know. 00:35:29.293 --> 00:35:34.431 I mean, you shared with us why listening, why you're focusing on one thing. 00:35:35.632 --> 00:35:39.769 And, I'd love for you to share just a little bit more. 00:35:39.769 --> 00:35:44.307 I just just like, I know what people will. 00:35:44.541 --> 00:35:46.344 People. One of the. 00:35:46.577 --> 00:35:57.054 Would you like to share one of the clearest ways a leader can communicate that, that they are genuinely listening? 00:35:57.420 --> 00:36:01.826 Shut down the screen, close the laptop, put the phone face down. 00:36:02.460 --> 00:36:03.594 That's it. Phone down. 00:36:03.594 --> 00:36:05.663 Focus. Start with that. 00:36:05.663 --> 00:36:10.601 That is the easiest place you can start because it's physical and you can do it. 00:36:11.068 --> 00:36:21.478 And there are other things that you can do, but that if you were to start on one thing, our devices have created so many distractions and there's a whole chapter on the neuroscience of listening. 00:36:21.711 --> 00:36:24.282 We we are addicted to our devices. 00:36:24.282 --> 00:36:28.818 That dopamine response of notification like, oh, I got to check my phone and see. 00:36:28.818 --> 00:36:29.820 I gotta check my phone. 00:36:29.820 --> 00:36:30.588 Oh, I heard a ding. 00:36:30.588 --> 00:36:31.922 I wonder who that is. 00:36:31.922 --> 00:36:33.590 Oh, what happens when we turn it off? 00:36:33.590 --> 00:36:41.898 If your phone's ever broken or your, you know, your internet goes out, you realize, oh, look at me, I can, I can survive for 15 minutes without it. 00:36:42.199 --> 00:36:52.143 I think that's a really, really powerful place to start, because when we think about it, there is so much research that shows the high cost of not listening. 00:36:52.409 --> 00:36:56.012 $1.9 trillion in lost productivity. 00:36:56.246 --> 00:37:00.650 We have 43% of people feeling not heard at work. 00:37:00.650 --> 00:37:04.755 There are there's so much data and there's so many layers to it as well. 00:37:04.755 --> 00:37:08.092 It's not just like I'm not paying attention to you because I'm distracted. 00:37:08.092 --> 00:37:11.929 Sometimes it's I'm not paying attention to you because I don't really think you're worthy of my attention. 00:37:12.195 --> 00:37:13.898 We have microaggressions, biases. 00:37:13.898 --> 00:37:18.436 We have racism, we have sexism, we have all the isms can step into there, too. 00:37:18.436 --> 00:37:20.905 And I take all of those into account in the book. 00:37:20.905 --> 00:37:23.340 I take neurodiversity into account during the book. 00:37:23.673 --> 00:37:37.021 All of these things, we have to consider, it's it's again, this is a self-awareness piece, being able to be honest with yourself about what's what's really going on inside, what's influencing your thoughts and actions right now. 00:37:37.355 --> 00:37:38.655 You can be in that place. 00:37:38.655 --> 00:37:41.224 That's that's a powerful place to be, especially as a leader. 00:37:43.027 --> 00:37:52.436 I'm thinking about my own listening skills and as I hear you speak, I there's a common thread. 00:37:54.438 --> 00:37:56.239 About layers. 00:37:57.541 --> 00:38:10.288 And I think what your book will do is by focusing on listening is unpack some of those layers to help people really focus in. 00:38:11.222 --> 00:38:24.902 And yeah, I want to thank you, Nancy, so much for joining us and for bringing your perspective on leadership, communication and the power of helping people feel heard. 00:38:25.835 --> 00:38:28.739 And, thank you for hearing me. 00:38:29.940 --> 00:38:35.246 Thank you for answering the call to be on our show. 00:38:36.614 --> 00:38:44.221 And, to everyone in our building, leadership, community, family, thank you for being a part of this conversation. 00:38:44.789 --> 00:38:59.836 And if, what Nancy is saying and what we're saying resonates with you, don't forget to, like, share, and subscribe to us. And, Yeah. 00:38:59.836 --> 00:39:01.639 I can't thank you enough. 00:39:03.206 --> 00:39:05.009 Any final words? 00:39:05.608 --> 00:39:09.547 I think you're an extraordinary listener, Dora. 00:39:09.780 --> 00:39:11.114 You have patience. 00:39:11.114 --> 00:39:12.382 They can tell. 00:39:12.382 --> 00:39:13.384 And you have presence. 00:39:13.384 --> 00:39:15.085 And your phrasing is great. 00:39:15.085 --> 00:39:17.355 And I really appreciate what you're doing. 00:39:18.121 --> 00:39:20.557 I tell people I got to work on this. 00:39:20.557 --> 00:39:22.793 I'm, like, talk fast. I got a lot. 00:39:22.827 --> 00:39:27.630 It's this is this is a got my a little like I'm a, like, creative machine rolling out here. 00:39:27.797 --> 00:39:29.367 And I love your pacing. 00:39:29.367 --> 00:39:31.702 I love just the your un-rushed. 00:39:32.168 --> 00:39:33.704 And that's what we want. 00:39:33.704 --> 00:39:35.039 We want everybody to your un-rushed. 00:39:35.039 --> 00:39:35.773 That's beautiful. 00:39:35.773 --> 00:39:37.574 So thank you for doing what you're doing. 00:39:38.376 --> 00:39:39.844 And to Dylan as well. 00:39:39.844 --> 00:39:44.014 And, and I have absolutely got to go check out that episode with your kids. 00:39:44.014 --> 00:39:45.215 I can't wait to see it. 00:39:45.215 --> 00:39:46.516 That's going to be so much fun. 00:39:46.516 --> 00:39:48.853 Well, thank you so much, Nancy. 00:39:48.853 --> 00:39:51.655 Oh, my God, what a mutual admiration society. 00:39:52.889 --> 00:39:54.224 I'm so humbled. 00:39:54.224 --> 00:40:03.300 So I want you to hold on, as we close the, show with our closing credits so we could, debrief. 00:40:03.534 --> 00:40:05.335 Bye, everybody. 00:40:06.269 --> 00:40:09.539 You've been listening to Building Leadership Community. 00:40:09.806 --> 00:40:12.175 Watch on YouTube @CoachDoraM. 00:40:12.175 --> 00:40:19.215 Listen, wherever you get your podcasts, follow me on LinkedIn, Instagram, and YouTube @CoachDoraM. 00:40:19.215 --> 00:40:22.952 Visit me on the web at CoachDoraMendez.com. 00:40:22.952 --> 00:40:26.423 Hosted by me, Dora Mendez. 00:40:27.690 --> 00:40:31.896 Produced by Dora Mendez and Dylan Rogers. 00:40:31.896 --> 00:40:35.565 Graphics, editing, and sound mixing by Dylan Rogers.