Does Compassion Fuel 30-Minute Tantrums

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All these mini therapy sessions discussing all the big feelings and big emotions around tantrums, you're throwing fuel on the fire.
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It does not require compassion.
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It requires indifference, being ignored.
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When a tantrum's brewing, like resisting his car seat, my immediate instinct is to offer a snack, play his favorite song, or make a game out of it.
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It's not compassionate to feed the tantrum, it's actually mean.
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Oh, get into that.
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Why do you think it's mean?
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Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast.
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My name's Lisa Bunnage.
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I'm a parenting coach.
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I'm a mom.
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I'm also a grandmother.
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And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters.
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While I don't have kids, each episode we'll dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions.
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Let's get started.
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Okay, sweetie, what is what are we talking about today?
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Today's topic is does your compassion fuel tantrums?
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Hmm.
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What do you mean by compassion?
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So I think a lot of parents view compassion when it comes to tantrums as sitting down the floor with them, talking it out, trying to be there to support them during.
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Okay, stop my skin's crawling.
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Okay.
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Yeah, all that conversation.
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That's in your world.
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To you, that's compassion.
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To them, that's confusing, and you're feeding it.
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Okay.
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You're interpreting it wrong.
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To you, it's compassion.
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To them, it's not.
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You're just feeling you're adding fuel to the fire.
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I think this is one of the biggest things you get pushback online because I think that there's a lot of different methods where it can be really confusing, especially if you're a newer parent and you're seeing these methods of approaching tantrums that are very different from yours.
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All these mini therapy sessions discussing all the big feelings and big emotions around tantrums is fueling it.
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You're throwing fuel on the fire.
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It does not require compassion.
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It requires indifference, being ignored.
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It requires a tantrum not working.
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As soon as you start talking to them about all their big feelings and big emotions around a tantrum, they they're just going to keep having them because all of a sudden they're getting all this attention.
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You're just feeding it, you're rewarding it.
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Okay.
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And a tantrum is not big feelings and big emotions.
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You're reading that wrong.
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It's completely different.
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It's a loss of emotional control at not getting what they want.
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It's based on entitlement and anger and frustration.
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Okay.
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You do not need to feed that.
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You do not need to talk to that.
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You do not need to look at them.
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You're nearby.
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I've talked a million times about how you handle tantrums, but you're nearby.
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You're just you're leading.
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They're watching you and they're self-regulating themselves by you, by watching you, not by what you say, but by watching you, ignoring that.
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In other words, oh, wait a minute, this craziness, it ain't working.
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And they're just going to stop having tantrums.
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They're going to start talking to you.
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They're just going to start interacting in a night in a healthier way.
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But yeah, it's not compassionate to feed the tantrum.
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It's actually mean.
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Oh, get into that.
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Why do you think it's mean?
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I think it's mean because you're fueling it and they're miserable when they're having a tantrum, and yet you're making it worse.
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That's why I think it's mean.
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It's horrible.
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I couldn't imagine wanting to make things worse for them while they're having a tantrum.
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You get down their level, you talk to them, keep adding fuel to that fire, keep doing it, keep doing it.
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So mean.
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It's so misdirected.
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It's so misunderstood.
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What if parents growing up felt like they were never listened to, and that's why they want to approach it this way?
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Yeah, it sounds lovely to say that, but it's it's not, it's during a tantrum.
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Now, ki k kids told me everything.
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My kids did, my my kids' friends told me stuff.
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I wasn't, you know, I was a safe place to land, but not around a tantrum.
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A tantrum is just based on anger and frustration.
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That's none of my business.
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They need to learn how to process that.
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They need to learn that they can't have everything that they want when they want and how they want it.
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And that's what a tantrum's all about, okay?
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But yeah, they can talk to me about anything, but not during a tantrum.
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I just don't feed it because I think it's horrible.
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They're still going through something, you know.
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But I I'm right there, I'm calm as anything.
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And as soon as they're done, oh, you want to go read a book?
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Do you want to go help me do the dishes?
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Do you?
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I'm interacting right after.
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I'm teaching them.
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Tantrums will never get you attention.
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And that's the kindest thing you can do is to train them out of tantrums because they're not happy when they're having one, are they?
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No.
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What else do you think really fuels tantrums?
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Looking at them, talking, looking upset, looking mad, leaving, walking, abandoning them, walking away, talking about them behind their like when they're having one, you know, voicing your frustration to someone else.
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I think that's all nasty.
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You you go you want to be right there.
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You want to you want them to know you're waiting for you're standing there literally like you're waiting for a bus.
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You want to be nearby, not looking at them, look like you're waiting for a bus.
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In other words, I know you're having a tantrum.
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Soon as it's done, then I'll talk to you.
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They need to know that you're there for them.
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You are there for them, but you're not looking at them or talking to them, if that makes any sense.
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They get this though.
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They just do.
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I've I've worked with hundreds of kids, and this just works.
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It takes time with toddlers, especially.
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They usually stop having tantrums at around three, three and a half, uh, with this method.
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And they will peter out in intensity, frequency, and duration over a period of time.
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Oh, leading up to that age.
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So the idea of if you're with someone, you go, Oh, they're just tantruming again, is what's your approach on that?
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I think that's mean.
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Oh, look at them.
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Oh, well, it's it's insulting.
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Could you imagine if if you were, let's say you went out with your spouse and you were upset about something and your spouse said to their friend or something, or the waiter, or those they don't call them waiters anymore.
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Sorry about that, said to the server, oh well, they're just going off again.
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Whoa.
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I think people use that exact same analogy when they critique your method because they go, Could you imagine if you were really upset about something and someone just stood there filing their nails?
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Yeah, but they know they they understand after the first one, they understand what's going on because you connect the second they stop.
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That's the important part.
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The first one is confusing.
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Yeah, I'll give you that.
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That's confusing to them.
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But I don't, I don't walk away and I don't go on my phone, I don't talk to anyone.
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I'm standing right there.
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They feel safe.
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They're just like very confused initially.
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By the second one, they're like, oh, I get it.
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Doesn't mean they're gonna stop having them right away, but they start to clue in because they realize the last time they did this, soon as they stopped it, oh, she talked to me.
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Oh, I get it.
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Oh, they start to put it together.
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No, but I think the analogy is because you said that would be so mean.
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How is this not mean?
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Ignoring them, because I'm right there for them.
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Um, it's not mean because it's not their tantrum, it's not based on big feelings and big emotions.
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That's why it's not mean.
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If a kid came home from school crying, not tantruming in anger, but if they were crying, I'd be all over them.
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Come on, here I'm right here.
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Come on, let's let's figure this out.
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Come on, we'll and we'll talk about it.
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But a tantrum is just basically entitlement.
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They want what they want when they want and how they want it.
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That's all it is.
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So it's not based on big feelings and big emotions.
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I'm really pushing back now, but what if someone says that anger and frustration are big feelings?
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Um, well, they are, but they're none of my business.
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Like they're they're big feelings, but they're not the sad.
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They're not, they feel bad.
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They don't feel bad about themselves.
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They're just mad at you because you didn't give them what I want, what they wanted.
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That's all.
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So it's it's a it is a I guess it is a big emotion, but it's not real big feelings.
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I guess you could, I guess you could sort of say that, but it's it's none of your business.
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They've got to learn how to manage that themselves.
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Life isn't gonna go your own way.
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The sooner they learn that, the the better.
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They can't have everything they want when they want and how they want it.
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The sooner they learn that, the better.
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That is kindness, teaching them that.
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Okay.
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Don't get caught up in the fact that this feelings and emotions is gonna destroy their soul.
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It is not.
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You're right there, and they will start to figure out oh, wait a minute, I can't always have what I want when I want and how I want it.
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And the sooner they learn that, the happier they'll be.
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Now, I the reason why I'm pushing back so much is because I do see that there's a lot online with conflicting opinions.
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So let's say you're still holding the boundary.
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Let's say they wanted the blue cup, you gave them the green cup.
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Let's say you're still holding the boundary of keeping the cup that you said you would, but you're saying to them, I know it's tough, we can't always get what we want.
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If you're saying something along those lines, but you're just being right there for them, what's the difference?
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I don't say that.
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I I know that.
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So I'm saying I wouldn't say that.
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No, what I would say, do you want the blue cup or the green cup?
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Green cup.
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So I give them the green cup, and then they say, I want the blue cup.
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And they start screaming.
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Uh, no, I'd say, no, you chose the green cup and that's it.
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Then I let them scream it out.
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See, they're just trying to manipulate you back and forth.
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Green, red, green, green, blue, green, blue, green, blue.
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They're just trying to control you.
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They're just testing.
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So I'm asking, what's the difference with this method?
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If you say, I understand you want the blue cup, or whatever cup, I've lost.
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Because they already know.
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Why are you wasting all these words on all this stuff?
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That's your language.
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That's not theirs.
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That's for you.
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You're saying it because you want to say it.
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You're saying it because you want to hear it.
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You're saying it because it makes you feel good.
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It's not their language.
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They get it.
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As soon as you say nope and you put the blue cup away because they chose the green, they understand it right away.
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Totally.
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I I know I'm pushing back a lot.
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Well, I think how do I do I like it when people push back?
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You do.
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I love it.
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And that's the only thing I don't like about coaching.
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Most people they're already on board with what I'm saying.
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They don't tend to argue with me.
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I love it when people push back.
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Love it.
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Because I think that gets the message across, because a lot of people who are listening maybe are thinking what you're exactly the pushback you're saying, and which is important.
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You know what though?
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I understand kids.
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I just do.
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I just do.
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I know their language.
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I know toddlers are they're watching you.
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They're not listening to anything you're saying anyway.
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Once they're, especially once they're upset, they are not listening.
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They're watching your body language, your tone of voice, your facial expressions.
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Do you look calm?
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It tends to calm them down.
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They self-regulate by watching you, not by anything you say.
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I know words sound lovely, but they're just for you.
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It's all about you.
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It's not about them.
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Their language is not words.
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They're two.
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Their language is not words.
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And then why do you think that connection after is so important?
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Well, because you want to teach them that tantrums get no attention, but as soon as you stop, you do.
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You're training them how to act properly.
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So they'll learn that wait a minute, when I'm not kicking and scare, it's even better if they start up again right away, because then you'll ignore them again quickly.
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They'll put it together faster.
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And then they stop again.
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You go, oh, y'all done.
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Okay, let's go read a book.
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Then they start up again.
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You see, they they put it together.
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They just start to put it together.
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So yeah, they get it.
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It's inappropriate behavior, but they're little, they're gonna try stuff, right?
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It's not behavior that'll ever get them what they want anyway, and they'll just stop doing it.
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Kids, kids only do what works.
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Past about three to three and a half, they only do what works.
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And if tantrums never work, they're never gonna have them.
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Okay, should we get into the parenting questions?
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Sounds good.
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First one is Erica from Canada.
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I have an 18-month-old daughter who's incredibly strong-willed, and we've been in the thick of the tantrum era since about 16 months.
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I'm using your high-road approach throughout this stage, and honestly, up until a couple of weeks, it worked like a charm.
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This past week, in particular, we've been dealing with 30 to 60 minute outbursts, and I'm struggling to figure out what to do, as the usual strategies have stopped working.
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I completely understand that consistency is one of the most important parts, and my husband and I are very much on the same page.
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We take the same approach, have same expectations, and neither of us give in simply because the situation becomes uncomfortable.
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What I'm finding especially difficult during these intense episodes is that it seems to primarily happen with me.
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She absolutely has tantrums with my husband, but they don't seem to escalate to that extent.
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I understand that these episodes may start as a typical tantrum, but I feel like after 15 minutes, I can actually see a switch happen.
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It no longer looks like she's trying to communicate that she's upset or trying to get a reaction from me.
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She becomes completely overwhelmed and dysregulated, almost as though she's entered a fight or flight state where she's no longer capable of processing what's happening.
00:11:04.639 --> 00:11:12.720
I know you've spoken about how you offer comfort during a tantrum can sometimes unintentionally reinforce the behavior if they're seeking validation or a reaction from us.
00:11:12.879 --> 00:11:16.559
Because of that, I really try to stick to taking the high road and not feeding it.
00:11:16.720 --> 00:11:17.759
I continue what I'm doing.
00:11:17.919 --> 00:11:23.600
So for example, playing with toys nearby, calmly, and rather than giving in or making the tantrum the center of attention.
00:11:23.759 --> 00:11:27.200
The problem is lately it seems to make things worse instead of calming it down.
00:11:27.440 --> 00:11:33.759
One thing that we get past, when we get past that 15-minute mark, I see that shift and it feels like a general, genuine meltdown.
00:11:33.919 --> 00:11:35.120
I do change my approach.
00:11:35.279 --> 00:11:44.960
I offer comfort, change the environment, reduce stimulation, and try not to throw many different strategies at her at once because I worry that even my attempts could help her become, could be overwhelming.
00:11:45.120 --> 00:11:48.320
Throughout the entire outburst, I remain calm and collected as possible.
00:11:48.480 --> 00:11:55.519
I try to be the anchor, try to keep my voice and body relaxed, and remind myself that she's having a hard time rather than giving me a hard time.
00:11:55.679 --> 00:11:58.720
I don't yell, I don't threaten, I don't give in just to make it stop.
00:11:58.879 --> 00:12:00.799
But even with that, nothing seems to work.
00:12:00.960 --> 00:12:05.679
She remains completely dysregulated for another 30 to 45 minutes despite my best efforts.
00:12:05.840 --> 00:12:10.240
I also am not and never will be the parent who just gives in to avoid the uncomfortable situation.
00:12:10.399 --> 00:12:15.360
I don't expect her to grasp these concepts right away, and I'm completely okay with holding boundaries while she learns.
00:12:15.519 --> 00:12:16.960
I'm just at a loss at what to do.
00:12:17.120 --> 00:12:20.240
At what point do you stop taking the high road and simply ride it out with them?
00:12:20.399 --> 00:12:28.159
How do you know when they're still testing a boundary or seeking response versus when they've become genuinely emotionally overwhelmed and need connection and help regulating?
00:12:28.320 --> 00:12:33.519
And if inviting her back into the play and offering a calm connection is escalating, what do you recommend?
00:12:33.759 --> 00:12:37.360
One thing I was thinking is, yeah, they do get in that zone, right?
00:12:37.440 --> 00:12:38.399
They just get in a zone.
00:12:38.480 --> 00:12:40.000
There's no thought process to that.
00:12:40.080 --> 00:12:42.080
They just have a hard time getting out of it.
00:12:42.240 --> 00:12:42.559
Okay.
00:12:42.879 --> 00:12:44.559
So that's it's extremely common.
00:12:44.639 --> 00:12:45.440
Some kids will do that.
00:12:45.519 --> 00:12:47.440
They'll just go on for it, seems like forever.
00:12:47.600 --> 00:12:50.559
Um, but yeah, then you said she's worse with you than dad.
00:12:50.639 --> 00:12:54.879
I can't um really talk about that because I don't know this what type of parents you are.
00:12:54.960 --> 00:12:59.519
So I can't say why it happens more with you, but but I'm just gonna generalize here.
00:12:59.679 --> 00:13:10.000
If she's worse with you, the mom, than she is with dad, could she potentially have maybe a tooth coming in, maybe a molar, I don't know what age they they're by the way, they're all different.
00:13:10.159 --> 00:13:12.320
Some kids can get teeth at all different times.
00:13:12.480 --> 00:13:14.960
Could she potentially be uncomfortable with something?
00:13:15.120 --> 00:13:19.519
And because mom is more the nurturer, usually, that's often why they are worse around the mom.
00:13:19.600 --> 00:13:25.440
If something's bugging them, it often that's the way they're communicating to the nurturer, the one who tends to look after them when they're sick or something.
00:13:25.600 --> 00:13:26.720
I just would look into that.
00:13:26.799 --> 00:13:27.840
Check her mouth out.
00:13:28.000 --> 00:13:29.360
Um, it could be that.
00:13:29.519 --> 00:13:32.320
Um, and also, so it goes on for 30 to 60 minutes.
00:13:32.399 --> 00:13:34.799
You said that you'll go often go off and play with something else.
00:13:35.039 --> 00:13:40.240
I might sit nearby and just sit with maybe her teddy bear or something that's comforting to her.
00:13:40.320 --> 00:13:43.120
I might, chances are she'll come over and pick it up and throw it though.
00:13:43.279 --> 00:13:45.039
I get I get where they get in that zone.
00:13:45.200 --> 00:13:51.679
But you just want to look like you couldn't be more relaxed and you might and make yourself accessible to her so she can climb into your lap.
00:13:51.840 --> 00:13:54.320
She is still really little, she's only 18 months old.
00:13:54.480 --> 00:13:55.600
But yeah, they will do that.
00:13:55.679 --> 00:13:59.039
They'll get into that zone and they just don't know how to get themselves out.
00:13:59.200 --> 00:14:01.360
Usually, sometimes you can change the environment.
00:14:01.519 --> 00:14:06.879
If she's still doing that, you might want to pick her up facing away from you, so she's not, you're not looking at her.
00:14:07.039 --> 00:14:09.279
Just pick her up quietly, move slow, by the way.
00:14:09.360 --> 00:14:13.120
If you move fast, it tends to stimulate them, even more get them more angry sometimes.
00:14:13.279 --> 00:14:14.399
And just change rooms.
00:14:14.559 --> 00:14:18.080
Maybe put her in the car and maybe put her in a stroller.
00:14:18.240 --> 00:14:21.440
She's still going to be kicking and screaming, but now you're changing the environment.
00:14:21.600 --> 00:14:23.039
It might switch something in her brain.
00:14:23.120 --> 00:14:23.919
But yeah, it's tricky.
00:14:24.000 --> 00:14:24.879
Some of them will do that.
00:14:25.039 --> 00:14:26.320
They'll go for ages.
00:14:26.480 --> 00:14:34.320
And you can't, and they usually don't, it usually doesn't happen over a long period of time, but it might just be a few months or something that she'll she'll be doing this.
00:14:34.480 --> 00:14:38.720
But yeah, I'm not exactly sure what's going on, but it could be maybe teeth coming in.
00:14:38.960 --> 00:14:40.159
Maybe something's bugging her.
00:14:40.320 --> 00:14:43.039
Maybe she's just not, doesn't know how to get herself out of it.
00:14:43.200 --> 00:14:49.200
And by you looking as relaxed as possible with maybe her teddy bear changing the environment, give that a go.
00:14:49.360 --> 00:14:50.159
I'm not sure.
00:14:50.399 --> 00:14:59.840
The reason why I wanted to read out this entire question is I feel like the parent vocalized so many things that parents feel is they want that balance of holding boundaries, but they want to do it in a compassionate way.
00:15:00.080 --> 00:15:09.120
And it is overwhelming when you see your child having a genuinely hard time, whether or not it is just anger or frustration or you feel like it's something more.
00:15:09.200 --> 00:15:10.399
Like that's hard as a parent.
00:15:10.720 --> 00:15:18.000
Here's the thing is your calmness by standing there and not interacting with them is the quickest way to calm them down, from what I've found.
00:15:18.240 --> 00:15:22.799
So that is, and even giving into what they're asking for often doesn't calm them down anyway.
00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:25.440
So it's not even just that I think it's the best way to do it.
00:15:25.679 --> 00:15:28.480
It's usually the quickest and most effective way of doing it, too.
00:15:28.639 --> 00:15:29.600
They're watching you.
00:15:29.759 --> 00:15:32.080
Your calmness is what calms them down.
00:15:32.320 --> 00:15:32.639
Okay.
00:15:32.879 --> 00:15:35.440
And by not interacting with them, you're not in their world.
00:15:35.600 --> 00:15:38.080
You're you want them to come up to your calm world.
00:15:38.240 --> 00:15:41.759
If you look at them or talk to them, you've just entered their world, their crazy world.
00:15:41.919 --> 00:15:43.120
Now they're in control.
00:15:43.360 --> 00:15:50.639
So if you just wait, it's your calmness being right nearby, looking like you're just kind of tired, just sort of looking out the window.
00:15:50.879 --> 00:15:52.159
That is what regulates them.
00:15:52.320 --> 00:15:53.840
That's what helps them self-regulate.
00:15:54.080 --> 00:15:57.840
So you are doing, you are doing something, but you see, you're doing it in their language.
00:15:57.919 --> 00:15:58.960
It's the body language.
00:15:59.039 --> 00:16:01.519
That it's your body language and facial expressions.
00:16:01.679 --> 00:16:03.919
That is their world more than words.
00:16:04.080 --> 00:16:05.519
Everyone thinks it's the words.
00:16:05.600 --> 00:16:07.360
Remember, they're just coming out of babyhood.
00:16:07.519 --> 00:16:09.279
It's not about words, they're watching you.
00:16:09.360 --> 00:16:10.559
They're not listening to you anyway.
00:16:10.639 --> 00:16:11.519
They're watching you.
00:16:19.750 --> 00:16:22.310
Do you find that also the age plays a role?
00:16:22.470 --> 00:16:25.669
Like going from 16 to 18 months, like going into toddlerhood.
00:16:25.750 --> 00:16:27.750
Do you find that tantrums sometimes ramp up?
00:16:27.990 --> 00:16:31.029
They can, but it there's no indicator of like age.
00:16:31.110 --> 00:16:31.590
It doesn't matter.
00:16:31.669 --> 00:16:35.430
It could be 16 to 18 months, it could be 25 to 26 months.
00:16:35.590 --> 00:16:37.669
You know, there's no certain age where that happens.
00:16:37.830 --> 00:16:40.310
Um, I I don't I don't think anyone really understands that.
00:16:40.389 --> 00:16:44.310
Why do some uh toddlers, why do some kids have tantrums at 10 months old?
00:16:44.470 --> 00:16:45.269
And they can do that.
00:16:45.350 --> 00:16:48.470
You know, they just turn purple and stiffen because they don't want to get in the car seat.
00:16:48.549 --> 00:16:51.509
They can, and then other kids don't have a tantrum until they're two and a half.
00:16:51.669 --> 00:16:53.190
Nobody really knows the answer to that.
00:16:53.350 --> 00:16:54.950
No, well, I don't know anyone who does.
00:16:55.190 --> 00:17:07.430
And then the last thing I want to touch on is it says that after the 15-minute mark, she says that she does change her approach and starts to offer comfort, changing environment, reducing stimulation, try not to throw too many strategies at once.
00:17:07.669 --> 00:17:16.710
Do you think changing their approach mid-tantrum is I don't know if I said this, but sounds like yeah, I remember that and I what I was gonna say, it sounds like she's doing everything really well.
00:17:16.950 --> 00:17:19.349
So yeah, there was nothing that I would go, oh my gosh.
00:17:19.430 --> 00:17:20.549
No, I think she's doing it.
00:17:20.630 --> 00:17:22.230
It sounds like you're doing everything really well.
00:17:22.390 --> 00:17:23.430
It just might take time.
00:17:23.509 --> 00:17:25.029
They go through stages, right?
00:17:25.190 --> 00:17:27.430
Just when you think you've got them figured out, they go and change again.
00:17:27.509 --> 00:17:28.230
I can remember that.
00:17:28.390 --> 00:17:30.870
I can remember my son, was my first one, my oldest.
00:17:31.029 --> 00:17:33.109
And I can remember thinking, oh, I understand him now.
00:17:33.269 --> 00:17:34.470
And then he'd come up with something different.
00:17:34.630 --> 00:17:35.430
I'm like, what?
00:17:36.390 --> 00:17:38.150
Like they change all the time.
00:17:38.309 --> 00:17:40.549
And uh so yeah, hopefully it's just a stage.
00:17:40.789 --> 00:17:43.829
They also talk about how kids make liars out of you so well.
00:17:44.069 --> 00:17:46.630
They sure do, and that's their job, and they do it very well.
00:17:46.870 --> 00:18:01.349
And it's also the idea of I've had friends who maybe they've been going through a tougher time with like sleeping with their child, like just their child sleeping through the night, and they'll have other moms who go, All I do, and then the next child has like sleep issues, they're like, huh, is that all you do?
00:18:01.670 --> 00:18:02.630
Or the same child.
00:18:02.789 --> 00:18:03.430
Yeah.
00:18:04.069 --> 00:18:06.950
All I do is I just put him down, he goes right to sleep.
00:18:07.109 --> 00:18:08.710
I just say, love you, good night.
00:18:08.870 --> 00:18:11.349
And three months later, he's up all night, you know.
00:18:11.430 --> 00:18:15.910
So yeah, you gotta be careful what you say, uh, because they will try and make liars out of you.
00:18:16.069 --> 00:18:18.549
Yeah, the sentiment I gather is uh stay humble.
00:18:18.789 --> 00:18:19.430
Yeah, exactly.
00:18:19.589 --> 00:18:28.309
I remember once this mom was bragging about how we're it was a birthday party at McDonald's, and I I didn't really know her, but she was bragging about how gifted her little boy was.
00:18:28.630 --> 00:18:32.069
And she was talking about how, oh, he's just so gifted.
00:18:32.230 --> 00:18:32.950
Oh, he can do, yeah.
00:18:33.029 --> 00:18:34.390
And she was just bragging, bragging, bragging.
00:18:34.470 --> 00:18:36.069
And us moms were all standing around.
00:18:36.230 --> 00:18:39.910
And but he was down on the floor chewing on her leg.
00:18:41.269 --> 00:18:42.950
She didn't see the irony in that.
00:18:43.109 --> 00:18:44.390
Yeah, he's gifted, all right.
00:18:44.470 --> 00:18:45.829
And he was about four or five.
00:18:45.910 --> 00:18:50.309
I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's just it's just struck us as funny.
00:18:50.470 --> 00:18:54.710
We're all looking at each other like, is she not aware of how embarrassing she's making herself look?
00:18:54.789 --> 00:18:55.990
Like, it was so funny.
00:18:56.150 --> 00:19:04.069
But anyway, I think she he wasn't biting her right initially, but after a while he started, but she couldn't get off that Ferris wheel that she'd started bragging about.
00:19:04.230 --> 00:19:04.950
It was hilarious.
00:19:05.029 --> 00:19:07.430
Yeah, careful what you say, or they might start biting your leg.
00:19:07.670 --> 00:19:09.750
I mean, I think that's just us in life, you and I as well.
00:19:09.829 --> 00:19:15.829
It's like if we start bragging, it's like we are 100% destined to fall flat on our face within the next.
00:19:16.150 --> 00:19:18.789
Well, that's not true because you'd never brag.
00:19:19.190 --> 00:19:21.029
You never, she never brags about anything.
00:19:21.109 --> 00:19:21.829
She's very humble.
00:19:21.910 --> 00:19:24.150
I brag all the time because and I just do.
00:19:24.230 --> 00:19:25.190
It's just in my nature.
00:19:25.269 --> 00:19:29.109
I brag and always end up with egg on my face for pretty much every single time.
00:19:29.190 --> 00:19:31.029
It's ridiculous how it comes back at me.
00:19:31.190 --> 00:19:34.069
I don't want to be I don't want to brag, but I'm a great bragger.
00:19:34.470 --> 00:19:35.829
I'm very good at bragging.
00:19:36.390 --> 00:19:37.829
Okay, we'll get into the next question.
00:19:37.910 --> 00:19:45.109
So, Alana from Canada, son is six and a really sweet kid, but he gets angry and his reactions can become extremely intense and hard to manage.
00:19:45.349 --> 00:19:46.390
What should we do in the moment?
00:19:46.470 --> 00:19:49.269
And how can we teach him to better manage his anger over time?
00:19:49.509 --> 00:19:50.870
You don't teach him to do it.
00:19:50.950 --> 00:19:52.710
He teaches himself by looking at you.
00:19:52.870 --> 00:20:01.750
Your calm leadership is what trains him into managing himself because they will, okay, if you're a calm leader, so whenever he gets upset, you just stay completely calm.
00:20:01.910 --> 00:20:03.670
Everything I've just been talking about, right?
00:20:03.829 --> 00:20:11.109
Unless he gets physical, then after he's finished with the tantrum, then you say, by the way, you damage that, whatever, then he has to have a consequence afterwards.
00:20:11.190 --> 00:20:12.710
But you never mention the tantrum.
00:20:12.870 --> 00:20:16.950
If you discuss his anger, now he's six years old and he's got anger issues.
00:20:17.109 --> 00:20:19.190
It must, you must be feeding it somehow.
00:20:19.349 --> 00:20:23.190
Uh, you just have to be, because otherwise he would tell you what's upsetting him.
00:20:23.349 --> 00:20:25.750
He does it because you are feeding it somehow.
00:20:25.910 --> 00:20:28.950
You must be giving him attention during these outbursts at this age.
00:20:29.109 --> 00:20:31.990
They usually outgrow tantrums by about three to three and a half.
00:20:32.150 --> 00:20:41.910
And if they they only do what works past that, it means he must be getting either what he wants or he must be getting a lot of compassion and sympathy and your conversation.
00:20:41.990 --> 00:20:43.910
You must be you must be feeding it somehow.
00:20:44.069 --> 00:20:48.150
So yeah, he he will learn how to self-regulate by watching your calmness.
00:20:48.309 --> 00:20:50.230
Okay, the next one's Veronica from the United States.
00:20:50.390 --> 00:20:52.789
Toddlers, 29 months, and is stronger willed.
00:20:52.870 --> 00:20:55.029
I follow your approach on how to handle tantrums.
00:20:55.109 --> 00:21:00.549
During the tantrum, we mostly go to my daughter's room and lock the door while staying with her, while mostly ignoring the behavior.
00:21:00.710 --> 00:21:06.950
This works during the day, but when she's overtired, she can scream for a really long time and becomes completely fixated on what she wants.
00:21:07.109 --> 00:21:11.430
So, for example, before a nap, she desperately wanted to sleep on the couch instead of her bed.
00:21:11.589 --> 00:21:15.509
She was extremely overtired and hated being in the room when the door with the door locked.
00:21:15.670 --> 00:21:19.349
Should I handle tantrums differently when she's overtired and more dysregulated?
00:21:19.509 --> 00:21:21.670
Or should I use the same approach and hold the boundary?
00:21:21.829 --> 00:21:23.910
We gotta meet their needs and manage their wants.
00:21:24.069 --> 00:21:26.390
Whenever I talk about tantrums, it's around the wants.
00:21:26.470 --> 00:21:28.470
You know, I want your phone, stuff like that.
00:21:28.630 --> 00:21:31.509
But if she needs a sleep, then yeah, I would just put her in bed.
00:21:31.589 --> 00:21:34.630
There's no way I'd let her go on the couch because now she's in charge of everything.
00:21:34.789 --> 00:21:36.870
If she's overtired, just keep putting her back to bed.
00:21:37.029 --> 00:21:40.309
If she needs a nap, just keep putting her back to bed, back in bed calmly.
00:21:40.470 --> 00:21:41.349
Let her get out of the room.
00:21:41.430 --> 00:21:42.549
I don't lock kids in rooms.
00:21:42.630 --> 00:21:43.190
I don't like it.
00:21:43.349 --> 00:21:46.069
Every time she walks out, you just quietly put her back in bed.
00:21:46.390 --> 00:21:49.910
I've got lots of um uh videos on bedtime routine.
00:21:49.990 --> 00:21:54.630
I don't usually use it with naps, but you said she's still having naps and she's super overtired and needs a nap.
00:21:54.789 --> 00:21:57.589
You could potentially use the bedtime routine also on that.
00:21:57.750 --> 00:22:00.549
So yeah, you can Google uh Bratbuster's bedtime routine.
00:22:00.630 --> 00:22:02.789
Just keep putting her back to bed, putting her back to bed.
00:22:02.950 --> 00:22:06.470
You you're gonna you wanna sort of out out outdo her with this.
00:22:06.630 --> 00:22:09.269
If she's that tired, she She won't be able to do that forever.
00:22:09.430 --> 00:22:15.589
Plus, you only usually have to do that once or twice, and then they realize if they keep getting out of bed, they're just going to be put back to bed anyway.
00:22:15.829 --> 00:22:17.349
Kids only do what works, remember?
00:22:17.430 --> 00:22:19.029
But she's still only 29 months.
00:22:19.190 --> 00:22:21.349
She might try it for a while, but just keep putting her back to bed.
00:22:21.670 --> 00:22:25.190
They only do what works, but I shoved rice bubbles up my nose and that didn't work.
00:22:25.430 --> 00:22:26.309
Oh my goodness.
00:22:26.470 --> 00:22:27.430
She did, I don't know.
00:22:27.509 --> 00:22:30.150
She only did it twice, and I think she did it just with rice bubbles.
00:22:30.230 --> 00:22:34.150
They're rice crispies here in North America, but in Australia they call them rice bubbles.
00:22:34.230 --> 00:22:37.589
Anyway, she just was one of those kids that just shoved stuff up her nose.
00:22:37.670 --> 00:22:39.349
She never put anything in her ears that I remember.
00:22:39.509 --> 00:22:40.390
I don't think she ever did.
00:22:40.630 --> 00:22:44.789
Anyway, she she was kind of starting to fuss, and she was not a fussy kid at all.
00:22:44.950 --> 00:22:49.109
She would have been about two, and she's uh and she didn't ever sound like that.
00:22:49.190 --> 00:22:50.150
So I said, What's going on?
00:22:50.230 --> 00:22:50.870
And I looked.
00:22:51.109 --> 00:22:56.230
Her nose nostrils were compacted with ricey rice bubbles, just compacted.
00:22:56.390 --> 00:22:57.990
And so I got on the phone right away.
00:22:58.069 --> 00:22:58.950
We had a family doctor.
00:22:59.029 --> 00:23:04.870
I got on the phone right away, and I said to the front, I said, Look, my daughter's got all these rice krispies up her nose.
00:23:05.509 --> 00:23:06.630
Should I take her to emergency?
00:23:06.710 --> 00:23:08.230
And I actually got the doctor on the phone.
00:23:08.309 --> 00:23:09.509
He was between patients.
00:23:09.670 --> 00:23:11.910
And then she sneezed and I said, Never mind.
00:23:12.230 --> 00:23:14.069
And he said, Okay, and he hung up.
00:23:14.710 --> 00:23:16.390
They all came flying out.
00:23:16.549 --> 00:23:18.150
But yeah, she never did it after that.
00:23:18.309 --> 00:23:19.910
I guess that was painful, that one.
00:23:20.069 --> 00:23:21.589
Yeah, I learned it didn't work.
00:23:22.230 --> 00:23:23.910
Rice but why would you do that?
00:23:24.069 --> 00:23:26.069
Rice but lots of kids do weird stuff.
00:23:26.230 --> 00:23:26.789
Just for fun.
00:23:26.950 --> 00:23:27.589
Yeah, for fun.
00:23:27.750 --> 00:23:29.349
Okay, the next one's Rio from England.
00:23:29.509 --> 00:23:33.589
Muli two-year-old son has limited vocabulary, but one of the words he knows is please.
00:23:33.750 --> 00:23:37.670
When we go into the shops, he will repeatedly say please and point at everything he wants.
00:23:37.829 --> 00:23:43.109
When we say no or walk away from what he wants, he begins to shout and scream please, and it can lead to him tantruming.
00:23:43.269 --> 00:23:45.430
What can I do to stop or change his behavior?
00:23:45.750 --> 00:23:46.789
Well, just ignore it.
00:23:46.870 --> 00:23:50.870
Like he he's learned that if he says please, you've been handing him whatever he wants, right?
00:23:51.029 --> 00:23:51.990
That's why that works.
00:23:52.150 --> 00:23:54.069
He thinks that please means gimme.
00:23:54.630 --> 00:23:56.390
He just doesn't understand the meaning of the word.
00:23:56.549 --> 00:23:57.430
He'll eventually learn.
00:23:57.509 --> 00:23:57.990
Just ignore it.
00:23:58.069 --> 00:23:59.990
If he starts tantruming, take him out of the store.
00:24:00.230 --> 00:24:01.670
Yeah, don't talk about it though.
00:24:01.829 --> 00:24:02.470
Just say no.
00:24:02.549 --> 00:24:03.509
You just say one no.
00:24:03.589 --> 00:24:04.470
Only say it once.
00:24:04.710 --> 00:24:06.470
Parents repeat, repeat, repeat.
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Makes you look weak.
00:24:07.670 --> 00:24:08.309
Just say no.
00:24:08.470 --> 00:24:10.789
And then if you keep screaming, get him out of the store.
00:24:10.950 --> 00:24:11.430
Just go home.
00:24:11.670 --> 00:24:16.230
How do you approach getting toddlers to say please if you're without rewarding that?
00:24:16.470 --> 00:24:17.029
Oh, I see.
00:24:17.190 --> 00:24:20.309
So yeah, if they say please, you can please is as a request.
00:24:20.390 --> 00:24:24.390
It should be treated as a request, not a like a demand.
00:24:24.630 --> 00:24:26.870
So just say, well, I don't quite know what you mean.
00:24:26.950 --> 00:24:27.670
You just say no.
00:24:27.750 --> 00:24:29.269
You're you're allowed to say yes or no.
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Can I please have?
00:24:30.549 --> 00:24:31.670
You're allowed to say yes or no.
00:24:31.750 --> 00:24:33.430
Maybe you don't say no enough at home.
00:24:33.589 --> 00:24:43.029
Maybe it sounds like maybe every time he says please at home, you give him whatever he says, says that, because you're trying to reward the word please, but you're turning it into a demand instead of a request.
00:24:43.190 --> 00:24:44.230
Yeah, that's what you've done.
00:24:44.390 --> 00:24:45.430
That's okay, but he's little.
00:24:45.509 --> 00:24:46.789
He just doesn't understand it yet.
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That's okay.
00:24:47.589 --> 00:24:49.269
And the next one's Kylie from Canada.
00:24:49.430 --> 00:24:50.470
Son's 21 months.
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I've been back to work since he was 19 months, now pregnant with number two, and we'll be off by his second birthday.
00:24:55.430 --> 00:25:01.190
We have a nanny coming to the house while I'm at work, and when I get home, um, he has been so clingy.
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I can't get off the ground when he we're playing without a whole tantrum episode of intense, upset emotions.
00:25:06.710 --> 00:25:08.950
I've tried ignoring him, but it doesn't seem to help.
00:25:09.109 --> 00:25:14.150
Usually, uh though through a tantrum, I offer a hug and he will cuddle me for a minute or two until he's calm.
00:25:14.309 --> 00:25:15.990
There's essentially no independent play.
00:25:16.150 --> 00:25:17.910
How can I help him and myself?
00:25:18.150 --> 00:25:21.589
Get him to come and help you do some chores that he doesn't like doing.
00:25:21.829 --> 00:25:23.910
So, uh, like you were very clingy.
00:25:24.069 --> 00:25:26.710
So I'd say, Come on, let's go help mom with the garbage.
00:25:26.789 --> 00:25:28.309
She didn't really want to do all that stuff.
00:25:28.470 --> 00:25:31.670
If I knew she didn't like doing something, I would say, Come on, let's go.
00:25:31.829 --> 00:25:32.710
Da da da da da da.
00:25:32.870 --> 00:25:33.910
She didn't want to do it anyway.
00:25:33.990 --> 00:25:37.029
So yeah, just include him in whatever you're doing.
00:25:37.190 --> 00:25:44.470
And um, yeah, he'll eventually get bored because he doesn't want to maybe do the dishes or probably actually might want to because it's water, but you get where I'm going with this.
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Just say, okay, I'm gonna go do the dishes.
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Do you want to come help me?
00:25:47.750 --> 00:25:48.789
And just bring him along.
00:25:48.870 --> 00:25:50.230
He'll get bored with it.
00:25:50.710 --> 00:25:53.509
Yeah, but get him to do stuff that you know he wouldn't like doing.
00:25:53.589 --> 00:25:53.910
Okay.
00:25:54.069 --> 00:25:55.269
But yeah, try and include him.
00:25:55.349 --> 00:25:56.789
He's clingy because he's missed you.
00:25:56.870 --> 00:26:02.309
He's a little bit confused, he's little, he's got someone new, you know, he's a new nanny or whatever and whatever.
00:26:02.390 --> 00:26:04.150
So yeah, it's just transition time.
00:26:04.309 --> 00:26:04.870
That's okay.
00:26:04.950 --> 00:26:08.069
But include him just in stuff that he wouldn't want to do anyway.
00:26:08.309 --> 00:26:09.589
Just all the dull work.
00:26:09.750 --> 00:26:10.309
The dull.
00:26:10.390 --> 00:26:12.230
Lots of that around the house for sure.
00:26:12.470 --> 00:26:13.589
Okay, one final question.
00:26:13.750 --> 00:26:15.190
Storgia from the United Kingdom.
00:26:15.430 --> 00:26:20.309
Been listening to you since my son was six months old, and your podcast has been a game changer for my husband and me.
00:26:20.470 --> 00:26:25.829
Our son is now over two, and thanks to your tools, we've built a strong calm leadership and are truly enjoying parenthood.
00:26:25.990 --> 00:26:27.349
When we're slept, of course.
00:26:27.509 --> 00:26:28.870
My question's about distraction.
00:26:29.029 --> 00:26:35.670
When a tantrum's brewing, like resisting his car seat, my immediate instinct is to offer a snack, play his favorite song, or make a game out of it.
00:26:35.829 --> 00:26:38.870
It works almost every time and he calms down so I can strap him in.
00:26:39.029 --> 00:26:42.950
I also find myself doing like things like blowing bubbles just to get him to sit and eat dinner.
00:26:43.109 --> 00:26:48.150
While these tricks work in the moment, it feels like I'm robbing him the chance to feel and work through his anger.
00:26:48.309 --> 00:26:55.269
Is constantly using distraction to avoid pushback actually hurting a long-term goal of emotional regulation, or is it just smart parenting?
00:26:55.589 --> 00:26:56.390
Um, it's both.
00:26:56.470 --> 00:26:58.230
I mean, it's just maybe you just overdone it.
00:26:58.309 --> 00:26:58.549
That's all.
00:26:58.630 --> 00:27:02.950
You don't want to make everything fun, like like you back off on doing it with everything.
00:27:03.029 --> 00:27:04.950
You don't need to turn everything into a game.
00:27:05.190 --> 00:27:08.950
One thing that I probably wouldn't turn into a game is getting him in the car seat.
00:27:09.109 --> 00:27:14.710
Uh, I've maybe right now with the bubbles and eating, I don't like that one either particularly, but you want him to eat.
00:27:14.870 --> 00:27:17.430
But you know you can get him in that car seat no matter what.
00:27:17.589 --> 00:27:19.190
So cut back on the games with that.
00:27:19.269 --> 00:27:21.109
Stuff that you have total control over.
00:27:21.269 --> 00:27:25.349
He may kick and scream and it might be harder to get him into the car seat, but he will learn.
00:27:25.430 --> 00:27:30.630
Oh, sometimes I have to do something that I don't necessarily want to do, even though there's no game in happening.
00:27:30.710 --> 00:27:34.870
So yeah, just wean off them a little bit, but stuff that you know you can completely handle.
00:27:35.029 --> 00:27:35.829
Food is harder.
00:27:35.910 --> 00:27:37.190
You can't force feed kids.
00:27:37.349 --> 00:27:38.630
But yeah, start with the car seat.
00:27:38.710 --> 00:27:41.990
It's one of the best ones because you know you can get them in there at that age anyway.
00:27:42.069 --> 00:27:42.789
So okay.
00:27:42.870 --> 00:27:44.789
Well, that was it for the parenting questions.
00:27:45.029 --> 00:27:48.710
Okay, and the quote that was uh, is your compassion fueling?
00:27:48.870 --> 00:27:53.750
I believe that ignoring a tantrum is compassion because I understand their needs.
00:27:53.910 --> 00:27:59.109
Their needs are that they they need to learn that to process their own anger.
00:27:59.269 --> 00:28:02.150
They need to learn that they can't have everything go their own way.
00:28:02.230 --> 00:28:05.509
So I think the quicker they learn that, the happier they are.
00:28:05.670 --> 00:28:07.349
Hence, that's compassion.
00:28:07.589 --> 00:28:09.750
I think that is a great place to wrap it up.
00:28:09.990 --> 00:28:10.390
Perfect.
00:28:10.549 --> 00:28:11.509
Happy parenting.
00:28:11.589 --> 00:28:12.950
Back again soon.
00:28:13.349 --> 00:28:14.549
Thanks for tuning in.
00:28:14.710 --> 00:28:22.950
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