Consequences Don't Work For My Child

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When you feel good, you do good.
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When you feel bad, you do bad.
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I want to be a calm leader and enjoy my child, but I can't seem to break out of this cycle.
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Maybe you're overexplaining.
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Maybe you're focusing too much on the negative.
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When our six-year-old does something wrong or breaks a rule, he immediately flips the script and gets very angry at us, sometimes before we can even say a word.
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Parents often believe that children act out because they don't understand right from wrong.
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They don't understand why they should be good.
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It's not a lack of understanding, it's a lack of correction and impulse control.
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Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast.
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My name's Lisa Bunnage.
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I'm a parenting coach.
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I'm a mom.
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I'm also a grandmother.
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And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters.
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While I don't have kids, each episode we'll dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions.
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Let's get started.
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Hello, sugar pie.
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What is today's parenting topic?
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Today's topic is consequences just don't work for my child.
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Yeah, they do.
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Okay.
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Um, we're all done.
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Um, anyway, okay, I I'm gonna let you lead the way because you probably have some points.
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I've learned, I've learned the hard way that she's already got this figured out.
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I think you hear from a lot of parents, and oftentimes it goes something like, you know, I just tried the behavior board, my child just doesn't care about consequences.
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I tell them they're gonna lose screen time or a favorite toy, and they just shrug and they go, okay, and they walk and they play with something else.
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What do you feel could be going on here?
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There's two reasons for that.
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One is that you're not consistent or you don't have the right consequences, or the other one is you're not connected enough.
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If you're not connected, that's gonna happen each and every time.
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So your connection with them in their world is number one.
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None of this is gonna work if you're not connected with them, if you're not playing with them.
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Their love language is fun, laughter, play, joy, uh, positivity.
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Okay, if you're not providing that, none of the negative stuff's gonna work.
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And the discipline is the negative stuff.
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You always wanna make it like, you know, I don't want to set a percentage here.
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When you get good at it, the percentage will be like almost none negative.
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But when you're learning, it, you know, it might be higher, but certainly it shouldn't be 50-50.
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It should be uh much more balanced towards the positivity.
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When you talk about the inconsistency, what does that look like?
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It means that parents um don't follow through correctly, or they're um, oh, there's lots of different things, ways of being inconsistent.
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One is that they just they help they have a good day, then they have a bad day.
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And they say, you know, yesterday I was doing really well, I was following through with consequences, but today I had a headache and I didn't.
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Kids don't really understand your headaches, like they don't understand the inconsistencies.
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It doesn't mean that you're not going to be inconsistent sometimes, but that's why it doesn't work, is what I'm telling you.
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I'm not saying you need to be 100% perfect all the time, but that is one of the main reasons is you're not consistent.
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So they figure, oh, well, what do you know?
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They just lose respect for you, okay?
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Or if they never had it, they just haven't got, they're not gaining it for you.
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So that's it.
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Usually you just have a really good run and then you'll sort of slack off a little bit because you think, oh, phew, okay, now I don't have to be as consistent.
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And then of course you start to slack off because you get tired or maybe it's stressful, whatever.
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That's why.
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How about over-explaining consequences?
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Yeah, it's all the talk about it, too, is like, well, you know, and the threatening, threatening doesn't work.
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You know, if you do that, you know you're gonna get a consequence.
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That's a threat.
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It's ridiculous.
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Makes you look weak.
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It makes you look like you're afraid of them.
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And it's kind of nasty.
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Just say, uh, you let them do whatever they're gonna do, unless it's dangerous.
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Let them do whatever they're gonna do, and then say, okay, uh, let's go to the board.
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And then you go to the board and you say, Okay, you broke this rule, here's your consequence, and then follow through with it.
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You see my tone, that little bit of a lilt in.
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I'm almost cheery all the time, even when I'm disciplining.
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So yeah, don't look like you're angry ever.
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If you show anger, disappointment, or frustration, that again can make it not work because they're gonna, it gets their backup.
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And they think, yeah, you pee, you think I'm awful because you're showing anger, disappointment, and frustration.
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I'm gonna prove you right.
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That's what happens.
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So that's another small reason.
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I mean, there's lots of different reasons, but the two main are that you're inconsistent or you haven't balanced out the good times.
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I think let's get into consequences.
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Now, if you want to learn more about my mom's approach, you can get access to the free Bratbusters behavior board mini course and then also the toddler basics mini course at Bratbusters.com when you join the newsletter.
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That'll kind of break down where my mom is going with all this.
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But let's just say you have a behavior board set up and your child refuses the first consequence, which is usually a chore, then the 24 media blackout is imposed.
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Do you still make them do that chore?
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No.
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Uh, because the first one is uh canceled out now because they didn't do it.
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They get one or the other, so they don't get both.
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So let's say you say, okay, your consequence is you have to empty out the dishwasher and they won't do it.
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Just say, and you keep the timer going though.
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No matter what they say in that 15 minutes that you've given them to do it, you keep the timer going.
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If they say no, I'm not gonna do it, just ignore them.
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You're just a timekeeper.
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Soon as that bell goes and the 15 minutes is up, now you go over to the board and you impose the second consequence.
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That's when they often say, Well, I don't care.
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Fine, take it away for a whole week.
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They might challenge you like that.
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That gets under a lot of parents' skin.
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I would just say, no, just 24 hours.
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And then in that 24 hours, every time they act out, then your hands are tied.
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You've already gone to the extreme consequence, you can't keep adding to it.
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So if they continue to break that exact same rule within that 24-hour media blackout, just say, Well, you might say this once or twice.
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Well, that's why you've got 24-hour media blackout.
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Like you don't give it, you don't do it again, you don't keep doing it.
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Um, another reason it fails too is that parents tend to hand out um consequences all day long.
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Okay, so they've got maybe they maybe they will do the chore.
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So they might do it 20 times.
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On the third time, I would say, it might be the third time around them.
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I might say, I'll tell you what, that's the third time you've done this.
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We'll discuss it after dinner.
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Okay, so and make sure it's after dinner so you can group up the whole day.
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Don't do it during dinner, don't do it at bedtime.
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So after dinner, you say, Look, we kind of had a rough day.
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You know, you got a couple of consequences, then you kept doing, you kept hitting your little brother, whatever.
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So we're gonna go straight to three, uh, to 24 hour media blackout, and that starts now.
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And then just make it happen.
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Don't get into the discussions around it.
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Makes you look weak.
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There is no reason to have a discussion around it.
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None.
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If you've been clear, they understand that.
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They understand that the behavior board, it's already been explained to them.
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They already understand it.
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It's all the but I forgot, but I did this.
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Say, oh well, you'll know next time, won't you?
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Do not get into the discussions.
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That's just them arguing.
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I just envisioned the 24 media hour of media blackout.
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Someone's got it until their kid's 35.
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The thing is that you're investing in tomorrow.
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That 24 hours is going to be ugly, okay?
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But you're investing in tomorrow.
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Uh, one of my favorite stories, I've told it a million times, but I I repeat all these same stories because they're the best ones.
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They're the gold ones.
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It's the one where that little boy was about seven or eight, and the mom said, I got permission to I got permission to tell this.
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Anyway, uh, it was a coaching client, and he was about seven or eight years old, and he'd had he'd lost his, I think it was a Switch or PlayStation, one of his gaming consoles.
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He loved that thing.
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He lost it for 24 hours.
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Now she'd already been working with me for two or three weeks, so the kid was starting to get this, right?
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He started starting to understand.
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It's all up to him.
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If he break, if he never breaks the rule, he never loses his his PlayStation, right?
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But he was starting to put it together.
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So, anyway, he didn't know that she could see hear him.
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And he sits down in front of it after the 24 hours and he's holding the beloved uh controller in his hand and he says to himself, Phew, I won't be doing that again.
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I thought that was the cutest thing.
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He didn't, he wasn't mad at his mom.
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He got that it was his his issue.
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He understood that it was his responsibility.
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It was all up to him, right?
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That that was what was so good about that.
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I think it's so cute because it almost sounds like an adult would say that.
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Yeah, phew, I won't be doing that again.
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Yeah, she thought it was adorable.
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She it was the first thing she told me when I during our next session.
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It was so cute.
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And that's why I said, and I often I forget to ask permission for really great stories like that.
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That time I asked right away, can I tell this?
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No names.
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Can I tell?
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She goes, Absolutely.
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So and then I think just before we get into the parenting questions on consequences, I want you to go into why connection makes consequences work from your perspective.
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Okay, because it's based on such a simple theory I have, and and it's the theory for life, basically.
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When you feel good, you do good.
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When you feel bad, you do bad.
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When they feel good, they do good.
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When they feel bad, they they do bad.
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Okay, they're like us, we're all like that.
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If you feel like a million bucks about yourself and about life, you tend to everything around you is positive, everything smells like roses.
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It's not perfect all the time, but that's the basic idea.
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But when you feel bad about yourself, maybe someone's put you down or someone's been really mean to you or rotten to you, nothing's going your way, you've got no laughter, no joy in your life.
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You kind of want to share that with other people, don't you?
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You kind of want to put that on other people too.
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Like you kind of want to bring the room down if you feel like crap.
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So it's that's based on that.
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When you feel good, you do good.
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When you feel bad, you do bad.
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My goal with kids is never to make them feel bad.
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It's okay that they're mad and they could be sad, maybe, about you know, getting a consequence.
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That's okay.
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All they have to do is not break a rule.
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That's up to them.
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It's okay if they feel mad at you or sad that they have this consequence, that's okay.
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But you never want them to feel bad about themselves.
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I always want kids to feel good about themselves.
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I'm always focused on increasing their self-esteem and keeping it up there.
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That's what the connection does, makes them feel good.
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Okay.
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Was that explanatory?
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I felt like that explained it.
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Good.
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Do you have anything else before we get into the questions?
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Nope, nothing.
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Okay, the first one here is Hannah from the United States.
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I have a three-month-old, three-year-old, and 5.5-year-old.
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All girls.
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The oldest has always had these huge meltdowns over little things.
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Swift consequences don't seem to make a difference.
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It's like a nuclear reaction, just instant huge meltdown.
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I know I can't fix my kid, and in your 200th episode, you talked about enjoying your child.
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How do you reset your relationship?
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I feel like we've gotten into a cycle of correction and reaction.
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Some tantrums, some meltdowns, but also I have other responsibilities.
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So when she takes forever to listen, then she has used up our playtime.
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I want to be a calm leader and enjoy my child, but I can't seem to break out of this cycle.
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Two things I couldn't write fast enough.
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Were the old was the oldest one five?
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What what do you mean by she takes forever to listen?
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Did I miss something there?
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I don't was that explained more?
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She takes forever to listen.
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Maybe you're overexplaining.
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Maybe you're focusing too much on the negative.
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Okay.
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And also if you want her to do something, like if you want her to have a chore, um, write it down on a board and put down uh make your bed before 10 every morning so you don't have to explain it.
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Okay.
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Sounds like you're overexplaining, you're focused too much on the negative.
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Um, yeah, I I'm guessing that that was the first thing that came to mind is that you're focused, you're explaining yourself too much.
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Um, and and it's okay to explain positivity, but the negativity, the only reason parents think they have to explain it is they truly believe this.
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And I took me a long time to figure out why.
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I still don't know why.
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Parents often believe that children act out because they don't understand right from wrong.
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They don't understand why they should be good.
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That has nothing to do with anything.
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It's it's not a lack of understanding, it's a lack of correction and impulse control.
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It's like everything.
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We all understand we should never speed.
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Why would we do it?
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If it's understanding is the problem, why would we ever speed?
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Ever.
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Right?
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Now, it's not the understanding that makes us do right from wrong necessarily, it's the consequences.
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So, and I don't mean the big stuff, but you know, let's say you were never penalized for not paying your personal taxes on time.
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Never penalized for it, no penalty.
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But they say to you, you understand why you should pay on time.
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Would that make you pay on time every single time?
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No penalty if you don't.
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Think about it.
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And yet you expect that from kids.
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You expect them if they understand what they should do and what they shouldn't do, then they'll always do the right thing and they'll never do the wrong thing.
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It's all this over-explaining.
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I know it's trendy.
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I I know people teach it out there from what I've heard, but it's kind of crap.
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No, it's not kind of crap.
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It's absolute crap.
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They know right from wrong, okay?
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Because you've already said don't hit.
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That's it.
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That's all they need to know.
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Don't hit.
00:11:12.960 --> 00:11:18.000
They intuitively understand hitting probably isn't a nice thing to do past the age of two, two and a half, right?
00:11:18.159 --> 00:11:19.679
So yeah, they already understand it.
00:11:19.919 --> 00:11:23.840
Do you find that that often impacts the meltdowns?
00:11:24.080 --> 00:11:24.799
Oh, 100%.
00:11:25.279 --> 00:11:29.279
The more you focus on the negativity, the more likely they are to have meltdowns.
00:11:29.600 --> 00:11:31.200
Um, because it's negative.
00:11:31.279 --> 00:11:34.559
It it's feeding, you know, you get more of what you put out there.
00:11:34.639 --> 00:11:37.360
You're where you put your energy and your focus is where it grows.
00:11:37.519 --> 00:11:40.399
So if you put it into positivity, you're, you should get more of that.
00:11:40.559 --> 00:11:54.240
If you're putting so much focus on teaching her right from wrong and discussing it and, you know, like all these discussions around it, and then you look stern and you look upset, disappointed, or frustrated at her, which I'm assuming is part of it too, it's gonna make her worse.
00:11:54.399 --> 00:11:54.639
Okay.
00:11:54.799 --> 00:11:56.000
Just say, well, you did that.
00:11:56.080 --> 00:11:58.240
Here's your consequence, and then you want to go read a book.
00:11:58.320 --> 00:11:59.120
It's all over.
00:11:59.360 --> 00:12:00.080
It's all over.
00:12:00.320 --> 00:12:04.639
Do you find, I mean, three children, five and under, like that's a lot to deal with as well.
00:12:04.799 --> 00:12:08.399
Like, how do you navigate that when you're trying to do consequences, but then you have a little one?
00:12:08.480 --> 00:12:14.799
Like, yeah, but there's some age there between, like, there's two years between the first two, maybe a year and a half or two years.
00:12:14.960 --> 00:12:17.200
So you're you're kind of done with that now, right?
00:12:17.360 --> 00:12:19.120
So, but you then you've got a three-month-old.
00:12:19.279 --> 00:12:22.559
That's a three-year split because the three-year-old, I think you said was three and a half.
00:12:22.720 --> 00:12:24.320
So you've got a three-year split between.
00:12:24.399 --> 00:12:29.440
So that's enough of a split that it shouldn't be that real crazy physical time now, you know.
00:12:29.600 --> 00:12:36.639
And also, they usually stop tantrums by three to three and a half because if they don't work, if they continue to work, do they still get attention?
00:12:36.879 --> 00:12:40.480
Um, yeah, are you not connecting enough or do they still get attention for it?
00:12:40.559 --> 00:12:44.080
Like, do they if they don't get enough positive attention, they'll go for the negative attention.
00:12:44.799 --> 00:12:46.559
And also your reaction is huge.
00:12:46.720 --> 00:12:49.519
You know, if you look frustrated, angry, it's working.
00:12:49.600 --> 00:12:53.200
She's getting under your skin and she knows it, and it must break you down.
00:12:53.360 --> 00:12:57.200
I it's a learned behavior past a certain age, past about three and a half.
00:12:57.360 --> 00:12:59.759
Tantrums, they only do what works at that age.
00:12:59.919 --> 00:13:01.039
So it means it must work.
00:13:01.120 --> 00:13:02.399
There must be a payoff for it.
00:13:02.799 --> 00:13:03.440
There has to be.
00:13:03.679 --> 00:13:10.639
Even if it's just confirming her own self-esteem that I'm difficult, she might have that that label for herself.
00:13:10.960 --> 00:13:12.399
Maybe she's overheard.
00:13:12.480 --> 00:13:13.600
She's the difficult one.
00:13:13.759 --> 00:13:15.840
So she's just sort of validating that too.
00:13:15.919 --> 00:13:19.039
That could be part, that's deeper stuff, that's more coaching stuff.
00:13:19.120 --> 00:13:20.799
But yeah, that could be part of it too.
00:13:20.960 --> 00:13:26.559
They what they just intuitively validate um their identity, um, good or bad.
00:13:26.960 --> 00:13:30.399
I think also with this question, because it says like, how do I reset the relationship?
00:13:30.559 --> 00:13:33.840
I could imagine this feels like you're doing like a big 180.
00:13:34.000 --> 00:13:38.559
And then it's like you're trying to deal with the behavior, but then you're also trying to deal with the connection.
00:13:38.639 --> 00:13:45.840
Like, how do you go about focusing on that connection when maybe you as a parent have some frustration on your end and you're feeling just like.
00:13:46.000 --> 00:13:51.679
Well, I already sort of I already sort of explained that because I said, okay, so here's your you broke a rule, here's your consequence now.
00:13:51.759 --> 00:13:52.639
Do you want to go read a book?
00:13:52.799 --> 00:13:54.240
See how quick I ricochet?
00:13:54.399 --> 00:13:57.440
I get in there fast before they can get cemented in that mode.
00:13:57.600 --> 00:13:59.360
Um, yeah, so here's your consequence.
00:13:59.440 --> 00:14:02.799
And she's, and while that's 15 minutes is going, let's say she did the right thing.
00:14:02.879 --> 00:14:07.200
She emptied the dishwasher, whatever it is, that whatever the chore is, and then say, oh, okay, all done.
00:14:07.279 --> 00:14:08.000
Let's go read a book.
00:14:08.080 --> 00:14:08.399
Let's go.
00:14:08.480 --> 00:14:13.519
You want to connect after this stuff, especially if you've got a kid who is more squirmy like this emotionally.
00:14:13.679 --> 00:14:16.639
So yeah, you want to connect pretty quick after a scene.
00:14:16.879 --> 00:14:18.639
Soon as she's done with a scene, oh, y'all done?
00:14:18.799 --> 00:14:19.440
Okay, let's go.
00:14:19.519 --> 00:14:20.399
You want to go to the park?
00:14:20.480 --> 00:14:21.759
Do you want to help me do the dishes?
00:14:22.080 --> 00:14:24.080
Doesn't even have to be like you're going out and doing something fun.
00:14:24.159 --> 00:14:25.360
It can just be connecting.
00:14:25.440 --> 00:14:26.960
Hey, do you want to come help me do the dishes?
00:14:27.120 --> 00:14:28.720
Do you want to come help me fold the laundry?
00:14:28.879 --> 00:14:30.480
In other words, do you want to connect with me?
00:14:30.559 --> 00:14:31.360
I still love you.
00:14:31.519 --> 00:14:32.480
You're not a bad kid.
00:14:32.639 --> 00:14:34.159
You want to come come help me with something?
00:14:34.399 --> 00:14:35.279
See my tone though.
00:14:35.360 --> 00:14:36.080
It's the tone.
00:14:36.159 --> 00:14:37.039
It's really important.
00:14:37.200 --> 00:14:42.799
And then you were going on a little bit, you and I interrupted you, and you were starting to say, well, the mom does get frustrated.
00:14:42.879 --> 00:14:43.679
Yeah, I know that.
00:14:43.759 --> 00:14:45.039
And I can't help you with that.
00:14:45.200 --> 00:14:48.080
Like I literally can't help you with your own emotional reaction.
00:14:48.240 --> 00:14:49.519
That is your challenge, though.
00:14:49.679 --> 00:14:56.559
I can tell you what how you should look like you feel, which is like doesn't bother you a bit, but that is your challenge with all this.
00:14:56.720 --> 00:14:58.720
I can't help you control your emotions.
00:14:58.879 --> 00:14:59.919
That is the challenge.
00:15:00.080 --> 00:15:01.919
You know, um, it's like anything.
00:15:02.080 --> 00:15:05.120
You learn something, and then you, you know, you've still got to do the work.
00:15:05.279 --> 00:15:07.120
And um, yeah, I really can't help you with that.
00:15:07.200 --> 00:15:14.960
The only thing I can say that might help is I've dealt with hundreds of people in coaching who have turned the corner and they go, I get it now.
00:15:15.120 --> 00:15:17.519
Fake it till you make it, and then life gets easier.
00:15:17.759 --> 00:15:20.399
Do you find, oh gosh, I'm gonna try and do an analogy month.
00:15:20.480 --> 00:15:23.120
So we're terrible at analogies, terrible.
00:15:23.360 --> 00:15:28.000
Is it almost as if you're like, I get so frustrated when I hit the ball in the net at tennis?
00:15:28.080 --> 00:15:36.320
And it's like you are focusing on the actions to help you not to get the ball over the net so that you don't have to get frustrated anymore.
00:15:36.399 --> 00:15:37.360
Is that kind of where you're going?
00:15:37.600 --> 00:15:43.919
Yeah, it's it's a whole bunch of things that I I'm I kind of hesitant to have an analogy here because we're so bad at it.
00:15:44.080 --> 00:15:48.960
But it's like anything, it's the actions, not the emotions behind it that you want to focus on.
00:15:49.120 --> 00:15:55.600
It's like they say about um a self-discipline or motivation, it starts with actions, not with emotions.
00:15:55.840 --> 00:15:56.159
Okay.
00:15:56.639 --> 00:15:57.679
So it's like that.
00:15:57.919 --> 00:16:04.879
The problem with this is when you're working and you're procrastinating on something, you know that the first step is just to take small actions, small wins, right?
00:16:04.960 --> 00:16:05.759
Start small.
00:16:05.919 --> 00:16:09.519
But the problem is that you can show emotions even though you're working.
00:16:09.600 --> 00:16:14.000
But when you're parenting, you want to you want to control your emotions, at least on the outside.
00:16:14.159 --> 00:16:15.600
I'm not telling you not to be stressed.
00:16:15.679 --> 00:16:17.120
I'm telling you try not to show it.
00:16:17.200 --> 00:16:19.360
You know, you might want to take an acting class or something.
00:16:19.519 --> 00:16:20.799
I do this a lot in coaching.
00:16:20.879 --> 00:16:23.919
We do role-playing, and I'll say, now show me how you're gonna say it.
00:16:24.000 --> 00:16:25.279
And they always roll their eyes.
00:16:25.759 --> 00:16:28.720
They just always show disgust, disappointment, anger, frustration.
00:16:28.879 --> 00:16:29.440
They just do.
00:16:29.519 --> 00:16:32.480
And I say, okay, you you showed it, you know, let's work on it again.
00:16:32.639 --> 00:16:35.039
So I say to practice in a mirror if you have to.
00:16:35.279 --> 00:16:38.000
Okay, the next one is things have been going really well at home for us.
00:16:38.080 --> 00:16:40.480
So good leadership, happy, calm, sweet children.
00:16:40.559 --> 00:16:42.240
But there's a combination of three things.
00:16:42.399 --> 00:16:46.879
So hot summer nights, summer holidays being almost over, and an upcoming birthday.
00:16:47.039 --> 00:16:52.320
Our son is now so tired and tense that he is expressing it through a lot of impulsive, challenging behavior.
00:16:52.559 --> 00:16:58.000
For example, spitting on the floor, hitting the younger sister, and getting extremely angry when we say no.
00:16:58.240 --> 00:17:02.480
Normally we work on these, but at the moment, the behavior doesn't seem to be improving at all.
00:17:02.639 --> 00:17:06.319
He's very angry, not forgiving, and the difficult behavior just seems to continue.
00:17:06.480 --> 00:17:15.359
I see a consequence as a kind of fine where as a naughty chair, something we don't use, feels like more of an escalation towards prison, so to speak.
00:17:15.519 --> 00:17:21.279
But if the fines are not having an effect anymore, would you move on to the prison like the naughty chair?
00:17:21.440 --> 00:17:23.039
Or would you approach this differently?
00:17:23.359 --> 00:17:24.079
Where's the age?
00:17:24.240 --> 00:17:25.200
I don't think there was an age there.
00:17:26.000 --> 00:17:26.480
Oh, sorry.
00:17:26.559 --> 00:17:28.480
Uh um four years old, almost turning five.
00:17:28.720 --> 00:17:29.359
He's four.
00:17:29.519 --> 00:17:30.880
Okay, I'll I'll just put down four.
00:17:30.960 --> 00:17:32.240
Okay, the naughty chair and all that.
00:17:32.319 --> 00:17:37.839
That uh I'm not gonna use the analogy with prison and that because it's just not not not something I'm comfortable talking about.
00:17:38.000 --> 00:17:40.079
Not to say it's wrong, but it's just not my way.
00:17:40.240 --> 00:17:45.599
Um, okay, so the naughty chair, um, I was just gonna say it's like putting them in prison.
00:17:46.559 --> 00:17:48.799
We both knew that was gonna happen, didn't we?
00:17:48.960 --> 00:17:53.519
It was funny because because I could see her body language, she knew I was gonna mess up somehow.
00:17:53.759 --> 00:17:55.440
Were the shoulders going up?
00:17:55.680 --> 00:17:56.640
Oh, it was so funny.
00:17:56.799 --> 00:17:57.519
Anyway, okay.
00:17:57.680 --> 00:18:00.640
So now you see here's what doesn't make any sense to me.
00:18:00.880 --> 00:18:06.720
The heat and a birthday and summer holidays has nothing to do with their behavior.
00:18:06.880 --> 00:18:16.240
Uh, they could be a little bit more excitable or a little bit more uncomfortable and not sleeping as well, but their behavior usually isn't affected by any of those things.
00:18:16.400 --> 00:18:21.839
And then you said all of a sudden he was perfect all summer, and now he's spitting on the floor hitting sister.
00:18:21.920 --> 00:18:22.640
You know what I'm thinking?
00:18:22.799 --> 00:18:27.599
This is my gut reaction, is he was being spoiled and everything was going his own way, and now it's not.
00:18:27.839 --> 00:18:32.720
You've pulled in a little bit because you've got a you got a birthday coming up, maybe you're busy planning it.
00:18:32.880 --> 00:18:36.799
Um, maybe on the summer holidays are coming to an end, you're probably busier.
00:18:37.119 --> 00:18:38.640
Things aren't going his way as much.
00:18:38.880 --> 00:18:45.759
That's what I'm assuming you were a pleaser and um not maybe follow, not maybe um having challenges for him.
00:18:45.839 --> 00:18:46.559
Does he have chores?
00:18:46.640 --> 00:18:47.279
He should have chores.
00:18:47.440 --> 00:18:48.799
At three years old, they should have chores.
00:18:48.960 --> 00:18:50.240
Uh make your bed four and a half.
00:18:50.480 --> 00:18:50.880
Number one.
00:18:51.039 --> 00:18:53.839
He's I know that's why I said at three, they should have chores.
00:18:53.920 --> 00:18:55.279
So he's old enough for chores.
00:18:55.359 --> 00:18:57.359
And my kids had three chores uh every day.
00:18:57.440 --> 00:19:01.200
They had to make their bed, put their laundry away, and put their dirty clothes in the hamper.
00:19:01.279 --> 00:19:01.759
That was it.
00:19:01.839 --> 00:19:04.799
That was just non-negotiable, and they never questioned it, they just did it.
00:19:05.039 --> 00:19:14.880
But they I'm very organized, I'm a minimalist, so uh I did laundry every day, and they had like the all, and I rolled up all the socks already and everything, and then they went in a certain spot.
00:19:15.039 --> 00:19:16.400
I made it very easy for them.
00:19:16.559 --> 00:19:20.000
And um, and also that it was like two minutes and that was all done.
00:19:20.160 --> 00:19:23.279
And making their bed, just pull out the duvet, it was no big deal, right?
00:19:23.359 --> 00:19:24.880
And I'd go back and make it nicer.
00:19:25.039 --> 00:19:28.319
But yeah, that responsibilities uh lead to pride.
00:19:28.400 --> 00:19:29.440
Where's his pride?
00:19:29.680 --> 00:19:33.200
All of a sudden things aren't going his way, and he's spitting, he's hitting his sister.
00:19:33.359 --> 00:19:35.440
Yeah, I'm just I'm guessing that's what it is.
00:19:35.519 --> 00:19:40.000
You've been catering to him over the summer, and now that's starting to come to an end, and he doesn't like it.
00:19:40.160 --> 00:19:45.039
So he needs and the way you combat that is have some responsibility and pride for this kid.
00:19:45.200 --> 00:19:46.240
Where are his chores?
00:19:46.400 --> 00:19:47.680
Where's his responsibility?
00:19:47.839 --> 00:19:50.000
Have you had him help you get ready for school?
00:19:50.160 --> 00:19:55.200
Like, has he been helping you shop and sort for all the school supplies and helping his little sister?
00:19:55.359 --> 00:19:57.039
Um, you said he's been hitting his sister.
00:19:57.119 --> 00:19:58.480
I'm assuming she's younger.
00:19:58.640 --> 00:20:02.000
Um, so yeah, maybe he and set him up as the hero for her.
00:20:02.160 --> 00:20:02.960
Can you help her?
00:20:03.119 --> 00:20:05.839
She's gonna, we're gonna get her some school supplies too.
00:20:06.000 --> 00:20:07.200
He needs more pride.
00:20:07.359 --> 00:20:10.880
He needs more chores, he needs more uh responsibility.
00:20:11.039 --> 00:20:12.720
And yeah, I think you're catering to him.
00:20:12.799 --> 00:20:13.680
That's my gut reaction.
00:20:13.759 --> 00:20:14.400
I could be wrong.
00:20:14.480 --> 00:20:25.509
I don't with the information you've given me, that would be my assessment.
00:20:25.750 --> 00:20:27.910
Okay, the next one's Jack from the United States.
00:20:28.069 --> 00:20:34.950
When our six-year-old does something wrong or breaks a rule, he immediately flips the script and gets very angry at us, sometimes before we can even say a word.
00:20:35.109 --> 00:20:37.029
Shame seems to be a big trigger for him.
00:20:37.190 --> 00:20:42.710
It feels like he uses this intense preemptive anger to control the situation and deflect any consequences.
00:20:42.870 --> 00:20:49.109
How should my husband and I handle this reaction going forward without getting sucked into a power struggle or escalating his anger?
00:20:49.349 --> 00:20:50.630
Well, this one's easy.
00:20:50.789 --> 00:20:52.950
Um, you make sure you're on the board too.
00:20:53.029 --> 00:20:59.670
And when you act out, or not act out, when you yell or whatever you're doing wrong, that's on the board, your rule, and then just say, Oh, I messed up.
00:20:59.829 --> 00:21:00.630
Let's go to the board.
00:21:00.710 --> 00:21:02.470
Like there's no shame in making mistakes.
00:21:02.549 --> 00:21:03.990
Okay, so that's an easy one.
00:21:04.150 --> 00:21:07.589
And then just when he acts out or does something, just say, okay, let's go to the board.
00:21:07.750 --> 00:21:11.910
See, there's no shaming, blaming, or um you never show anger, disappointment, or frustration.
00:21:11.990 --> 00:21:14.230
Because you said he goes into the shame thing right away.
00:21:14.309 --> 00:21:15.589
That's because you're shaming him.
00:21:15.670 --> 00:21:15.990
Yeah.
00:21:16.150 --> 00:21:19.829
So, and also, yeah, you've got to be accountable and show them that we all mess up.
00:21:19.990 --> 00:21:20.549
Everybody does.
00:21:20.710 --> 00:21:22.069
You do, I do, everybody does.
00:21:22.230 --> 00:21:24.069
Adults, kids, everybody messes up.
00:21:24.150 --> 00:21:27.910
There's no shame in making mistakes, it's just shame in not being accountable for them.
00:21:28.069 --> 00:21:30.069
So, but yeah, but don't put that on him.
00:21:30.150 --> 00:21:31.430
You put that on yourself, though.
00:21:31.589 --> 00:21:31.910
Okay.
00:21:32.069 --> 00:21:32.870
But he's just a kid.
00:21:32.950 --> 00:21:35.349
You want to teach him this and you lead by example.
00:21:35.670 --> 00:21:36.549
Speak for yourself.
00:21:36.630 --> 00:21:37.750
I never mess up.
00:21:38.390 --> 00:21:39.109
We all do.
00:21:39.349 --> 00:21:39.990
We all do.
00:21:40.150 --> 00:21:40.870
It's funny.
00:21:40.950 --> 00:21:45.349
Um, I'm, I mean, I've made a sort of a lifetime, I'm very self-deprecating the humor.
00:21:45.509 --> 00:21:47.349
This brings up something really embarrassing.
00:21:47.509 --> 00:21:48.710
I just want to say this.
00:21:48.789 --> 00:21:51.109
So such an offshoot of this podcast.
00:21:51.349 --> 00:21:53.829
Years ago, I was speaking to about 600 people.
00:21:53.910 --> 00:21:56.069
I used to do public speaking back in the day.
00:21:56.309 --> 00:22:01.349
And um, and I I always say, someone commented on how I always make fun of myself.
00:22:01.509 --> 00:22:06.870
And they said, Oh, and I said, Yeah, I've always been into self deprecating humor, but I didn't use the word deprecating.
00:22:06.950 --> 00:22:07.750
I'll let you fill that in.
00:22:09.589 --> 00:22:11.029
Self-pooping humor.
00:22:11.190 --> 00:22:15.750
So yeah, and and I couldn't figure out why they all just froze and then they all just cracked up.
00:22:15.829 --> 00:22:16.470
I had no idea.
00:22:16.549 --> 00:22:20.230
And the the the host had to come over and say you said this.
00:22:20.470 --> 00:22:22.069
Well, I thought that was hilarious.
00:22:22.230 --> 00:22:25.430
But anyway, yeah, I'm really into self-deprecating humor.
00:22:25.509 --> 00:22:28.549
And and that makes it okay for other people to make mistakes too.
00:22:28.710 --> 00:22:29.990
That's why it's so important.
00:22:30.150 --> 00:22:31.990
Like with my kids, I was always messing up.
00:22:32.069 --> 00:22:32.789
It was just a joke.
00:22:32.870 --> 00:22:34.069
It was no big deal, right?
00:22:34.150 --> 00:22:37.029
But just little things like I forgot something or I dropped something.
00:22:37.190 --> 00:22:40.870
Uh, you know, you want to make fun of yourself so that it's okay to make mistakes.
00:22:41.109 --> 00:22:45.829
Yeah, it sounds like there's a lot of uh yeah, a lot of judgment there.
00:22:46.069 --> 00:22:49.029
That's why he feels shame and he gets his back up and he gets mad.
00:22:49.269 --> 00:22:51.349
Okay, the next one is Michelle from Canada.
00:22:51.509 --> 00:22:57.509
My son's almost four, and when he gets a consequence to clean something, I'm explicit in detail of what the task is he needs to do.
00:22:57.670 --> 00:23:03.509
So for example, your consequence is to clean this square of the wall outside siding so I can visibly see that he does it.
00:23:03.670 --> 00:23:06.789
I point to it, I wipe a square where you can see the clear outline.
00:23:06.950 --> 00:23:10.789
He'll do one swipe, say all done, and joyfully wipe down another thing nearby.
00:23:10.950 --> 00:23:14.950
All the while I have to bite my tongue not to say anything, then I'll say five minutes left.
00:23:15.190 --> 00:23:20.390
Turns out most times it moves down to the negative deprivation because he doesn't clean the actual spot that I asked.
00:23:20.549 --> 00:23:21.829
I'm baffled that he does this.
00:23:21.990 --> 00:23:22.870
Is he testing me?
00:23:23.029 --> 00:23:27.829
Is taking away a toy not affecting him as we don't do enough screen time to utilize it.
00:23:27.990 --> 00:23:28.950
Any thoughts about this?
00:23:29.109 --> 00:23:32.549
Part of me wonders if we need to start doing more screen time just so I can take it away.
00:23:32.789 --> 00:23:33.269
Ha ha.
00:23:33.509 --> 00:23:34.950
Um, yeah, no, that's a good one.
00:23:35.109 --> 00:23:40.150
My gut reaction, I have something else in mind, but I would have to ask questions, but I don't think it's the other thing.
00:23:40.230 --> 00:23:41.190
That's more rare.
00:23:41.349 --> 00:23:44.390
Um, but I'm just guessing he's just playing you like a fiddle.
00:23:44.549 --> 00:23:44.870
Okay.
00:23:45.109 --> 00:23:50.630
So if he says, there I'm all done, you do you already sound like you're doing the right thing, but maybe you look annoyed.
00:23:50.710 --> 00:23:53.670
Um, but if he does say, I'm all done, I wouldn't say anything.
00:23:53.750 --> 00:23:58.470
I'm just keep looking at the timer, but I'm doing something sort of like washing the dishes at the same time.
00:23:58.630 --> 00:24:02.710
So, but I'm looking, my focus is the timer and also watching what he's supposed to be doing.
00:24:02.789 --> 00:24:08.390
So if he says all done, I might look over, just glance, not at him, but at the the wherever he's supposed to clean.
00:24:08.549 --> 00:24:13.029
I just look over casually and then I might say, Oh, five more minutes or nothing.
00:24:13.190 --> 00:24:15.029
Okay, so it sounds like you're doing the right thing.
00:24:15.109 --> 00:24:16.230
And then the timer goes off.
00:24:16.309 --> 00:24:17.430
Say, now let me see.
00:24:17.589 --> 00:24:19.829
Okay, that wasn't done within the 15 minutes.
00:24:19.990 --> 00:24:21.190
Okay, let's go to the board.
00:24:21.349 --> 00:24:22.069
See my tone?
00:24:22.230 --> 00:24:23.750
See how I stay on that high road.
00:24:23.829 --> 00:24:27.589
I'm just focused on the timer and the job, was it done within 15 minutes or not?
00:24:27.750 --> 00:24:29.910
You're you obviously make it very clear.
00:24:30.150 --> 00:24:31.589
So that's not the problem.
00:24:31.750 --> 00:24:33.670
The problem is I think he's playing you.
00:24:33.829 --> 00:24:35.430
That's my gut reaction.
00:24:36.309 --> 00:24:41.910
Like I said, anything could be other things, but with the basic information I get, I just go with the basic answer too.
00:24:42.150 --> 00:24:43.430
Okay, we have one final question.
00:24:43.589 --> 00:24:44.950
Alyssa from the United States.
00:24:45.190 --> 00:24:51.269
Hi, Lisa, you've talked about how you were a major justice holder as a kid, and I believe my daughter, who's four, is too.
00:24:51.349 --> 00:24:56.549
We've been following your advice for about six months, and things are going great, except for playing with her sister, who's two years old.
00:24:56.710 --> 00:25:00.309
They antagonize each other and they usually end up in a hitting or screening match.
00:25:00.470 --> 00:25:04.789
The four-year-old asks why the little sister doesn't get a consequence after hitting like she does.
00:25:05.029 --> 00:25:10.789
We've tried to explain that she's not old enough yet to understand, but we do correct the little one with saying no and removing her from the fun.
00:25:10.950 --> 00:25:14.549
I'm at a loss on what to do, and I'm tired of playing referee in these moments.
00:25:14.710 --> 00:25:22.390
I make sure the four-year-old has her own space and that she needs it in her own room, and we started the library system with toys except the special ones that stay in their own rooms.
00:25:22.630 --> 00:25:27.029
Should we give a consequence to the two-year-old so it seems fair, or is this just a phase?
00:25:27.349 --> 00:25:30.069
Okay, she's not a justice holder, she's a fairdom holder.
00:25:30.230 --> 00:25:31.190
Is it fair to me?
00:25:31.349 --> 00:25:33.029
She's not obviously fair to others.
00:25:33.269 --> 00:25:35.430
So it's it's more of a me-me-me thing.
00:25:35.589 --> 00:25:40.470
Justice holder, like I used to organize lineups for the slide, but I'd never get a turn on it.
00:25:40.630 --> 00:25:40.870
Okay.
00:25:41.190 --> 00:25:42.870
I just wanted justice for all.
00:25:43.029 --> 00:25:46.789
Now, if she's hitting her little sister, um, that's not justice for all.
00:25:46.950 --> 00:25:49.190
That's justice for me, fairness for me.
00:25:49.269 --> 00:25:49.589
Yeah.
00:25:49.750 --> 00:25:50.710
Um, so yeah.
00:25:50.870 --> 00:25:54.309
Um, now, use my uh fighting.
00:25:54.390 --> 00:25:58.549
I have all sorts of videos on fighting, and it's like sibling rivalry stuff.
00:25:58.630 --> 00:26:02.789
But base the basis for this is if they're fighting, you've got to be a detective.
00:26:02.950 --> 00:26:04.630
You've got to figure out who started it.
00:26:04.789 --> 00:26:07.509
Often or almost always, parents go after the hitter.
00:26:07.670 --> 00:26:09.190
They usually don't hit for no reason.
00:26:09.269 --> 00:26:10.950
Some of them do, but that's another issue.
00:26:11.109 --> 00:26:15.269
But let's say usually, almost, almost always, there's a reason why they hit.
00:26:15.430 --> 00:26:16.230
You want to figure out.
00:26:16.309 --> 00:26:19.029
Now, did a two-year-old come over and knock down her tower?
00:26:19.269 --> 00:26:25.829
If she was a justice fighter, if a two-year-old came over and did that, she would go to you and you would figure it out if you're a leader.
00:26:25.990 --> 00:26:28.470
Okay, she would go to you and say, Look, she knocked down my tower.
00:26:28.549 --> 00:26:29.349
I don't want to hit her.
00:26:29.430 --> 00:26:30.870
She's four years old, she can handle this.
00:26:31.029 --> 00:26:35.349
The reason why she lashes out is she doesn't feel that you are gonna take charge, too.
00:26:35.589 --> 00:26:38.789
So, yeah, that so you want her to trust you to take charge.
00:26:38.950 --> 00:26:40.470
Figure out what's going on.
00:26:40.630 --> 00:26:42.309
Is there a reason for the hitting?
00:26:42.470 --> 00:26:44.950
If not, then you say, I'll tell you what, you hit.
00:26:45.029 --> 00:26:50.230
But then if she's saying, but it's not fair, it's not fair, sounds like it isn't fair.
00:26:50.309 --> 00:26:51.190
I'm guessing.
00:26:51.430 --> 00:26:53.670
Otherwise, she wouldn't say that as much.
00:26:53.829 --> 00:26:55.750
But yeah, sounds like you got to get to the bottom of it.
00:26:55.910 --> 00:26:56.950
What did the two-year-old do?
00:26:57.029 --> 00:27:00.549
And then you say to the four-year-old, look, if you want to play uninterrupted, you have a choice.
00:27:00.710 --> 00:27:04.150
You can go into your room or into our room, take the toy that you want to play with.
00:27:04.230 --> 00:27:06.309
It can't be the one that everyone wants to play with, okay?
00:27:06.390 --> 00:27:07.750
You have to figure that out.
00:27:07.910 --> 00:27:15.670
But say, look, you can go in your, if you don't want to be interrupted, you can take a toy and we'll choose which one it is, and you can go in our room or in your room if they share a room.
00:27:15.750 --> 00:27:17.269
And so you can play uninterrupted.
00:27:17.430 --> 00:27:21.829
If you come out here, you know she's gonna disrupt things, but you come to me and tell me, and I'll fix it.
00:27:21.910 --> 00:27:25.990
So then you can remove the two-year-old and have her do something else in another room with you, potentially.
00:27:26.150 --> 00:27:27.589
But yeah, you got to get to the bottom of it.
00:27:27.670 --> 00:27:29.029
They don't usually hit for no reason.
00:27:29.190 --> 00:27:30.630
And also a justice fighter.
00:27:30.710 --> 00:27:31.430
There's two reasons.
00:27:31.589 --> 00:27:36.150
I guess she sort of could still be a justice fighter, but she just doesn't trust you to take care of it.
00:27:36.309 --> 00:27:41.910
I would have got frustrated too, if I had no one to take care of stuff, but I still wasn't likely to lash out.
00:27:42.069 --> 00:27:45.589
So um, yeah, I would just sort of back off um physically.
00:27:45.670 --> 00:27:48.390
But I didn't have a little sister, so maybe I would have hit.
00:27:48.549 --> 00:27:48.950
Who knows?
00:27:49.029 --> 00:27:50.230
I don't I don't think so.
00:27:50.390 --> 00:27:53.829
Um, but yeah, there it's just you got to figure out who's starting it though.
00:27:53.990 --> 00:27:55.109
Parents do this all the time.
00:27:55.190 --> 00:27:56.950
They go after the hitter, not the starter.
00:27:57.029 --> 00:27:59.589
And the starter's often like, ooh, got away with that one.
00:27:59.750 --> 00:28:03.430
So yeah, they often get and they know what they're doing from the age of two, they can catch on.
00:28:03.750 --> 00:28:04.069
Okay.
00:28:04.230 --> 00:28:05.910
Well, that was it for the questions.
00:28:06.150 --> 00:28:09.109
Okay, so uh consequences don't work for my child.
00:28:09.190 --> 00:28:11.269
I've never met a kid that I couldn't get respect with.
00:28:11.349 --> 00:28:12.470
The consequences didn't work.
00:28:12.549 --> 00:28:12.710
Never.
00:28:12.789 --> 00:28:15.190
And I've worked with troubled teens, young kids, toddlers.
00:28:15.269 --> 00:28:18.470
Um, I've worked with them all, and I babysat them all when I was a teenager.
00:28:18.630 --> 00:28:22.549
I've never not been able to hand out a consequence and have it some have some effect.
00:28:22.710 --> 00:28:25.349
I'm just pretty good at figuring out what's going to work for each kid.
00:28:25.509 --> 00:28:26.630
So that's what you've got to do.
00:28:26.870 --> 00:28:27.910
And you already know your kids.
00:28:27.990 --> 00:28:29.750
You've got to figure out what would work with them.
00:28:29.910 --> 00:28:31.190
So, and keep it simple.
00:28:31.349 --> 00:28:38.950
It's not about what the consequence is, it's about how you how you how you set that out, how you set up the behavior board with toddlers, how you follow through.
00:28:39.109 --> 00:28:43.109
Your body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions are everything.
00:28:43.269 --> 00:28:47.430
When I'm disciplining, I get real quiet and I talk slow and there's no emotions.
00:28:47.509 --> 00:28:50.390
I just like, oh, tell you what, here's what we're gonna do.
00:28:50.470 --> 00:28:52.150
That's how I talk when I'm disciplining.
00:28:52.309 --> 00:28:53.829
Tell you what, here's what we're gonna do.
00:28:53.990 --> 00:28:54.950
See my tone?
00:28:55.190 --> 00:28:58.950
It's it's almost it calms them down almost.
00:28:59.589 --> 00:28:59.990
Right?
00:29:00.150 --> 00:29:02.789
But also, if I mess up, I'm in trouble too.
00:29:03.029 --> 00:29:04.870
I'd say, oops, I messed up, didn't I?
00:29:04.950 --> 00:29:05.910
What do you want me to do?
00:29:06.390 --> 00:29:08.150
You see, it's it's mutual.
00:29:08.870 --> 00:29:10.710
So it's very calming.
00:29:11.349 --> 00:29:13.349
And and that's what parents get wrong all the time.
00:29:13.509 --> 00:29:14.309
And I don't blame you.
00:29:14.390 --> 00:29:16.950
I know it's hard, but I was doing this when I was a kid.
00:29:17.029 --> 00:29:21.190
I was babysitting kids, and I never, you know, there's lots of kids that were really difficult.
00:29:21.269 --> 00:29:22.950
So I never showed any anger.
00:29:23.029 --> 00:29:26.950
And I was 11 when I started babysitting, I'd say, oh, that was that was something else.
00:29:27.109 --> 00:29:28.150
What do you think we should do?
00:29:28.309 --> 00:29:28.710
I know.
00:29:28.870 --> 00:29:32.309
So I'd come up with a consequence, and they they like that tone.
00:29:32.390 --> 00:29:34.309
You can see it like, oh, what's this is weird.
00:29:34.390 --> 00:29:35.910
I wasn't yelled at, right?
00:29:36.069 --> 00:29:40.390
It's a different way of approaching this, and it it's a positive way of approaching it.
00:29:40.470 --> 00:29:44.710
And and they're drawn in almost by your con by your calm control.
00:29:45.029 --> 00:29:48.230
They're almost pulled into it, and it also doesn't get their backup.
00:29:48.630 --> 00:29:50.309
They don't tend to resent you for it.
00:29:50.470 --> 00:29:53.349
They tend to just learn a lesson and go, ooh, yeah, I did make a mistake.
00:29:53.509 --> 00:29:56.870
But because I'm so accountable too, it's a two-way street.
00:29:56.950 --> 00:29:59.589
And that makes them the justice fighter, like you said.
00:29:59.750 --> 00:30:02.470
My parents were very were my mom was a leader for sure.
00:30:02.630 --> 00:30:04.950
I felt like I had a say on how my life was going.
00:30:05.029 --> 00:30:06.870
And I think that's a big part of it too.
00:30:07.109 --> 00:30:08.710
I think that's a great place to end.
00:30:08.950 --> 00:30:12.309
Okay, so we'll be back again soon talking about another parenting topic.
00:30:12.470 --> 00:30:13.750
Happy parenting.
00:30:14.069 --> 00:30:15.269
Thanks for tuning in.
00:30:15.430 --> 00:30:23.670
If you're ready to dive deeper, check out Bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private 101 coaching with Lisa.
00:30:23.829 --> 00:30:30.309
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00:30:40.630 --> 00:30:43.430
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00:30:43.589 --> 00:30:45.990
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00:30:46.309 --> 00:30:50.630
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