WEBVTT
00:00:11.839 --> 00:00:16.240
At some point in your life, you became the dependable one.
00:00:17.199 --> 00:00:23.519
You became the one that people loved because you were quote unquote reliable.
00:00:23.839 --> 00:00:27.520
You were the one who shows up, who handles things, who doesn't fall apart.
00:00:27.840 --> 00:00:33.039
The one that people can lean on, the one who figures everything out, the one who holds everything together.
00:00:33.439 --> 00:00:37.520
What they don't see is what it costs you to stay that way.
00:00:38.079 --> 00:00:42.000
And they don't ask you what it does to you.
00:00:42.800 --> 00:00:46.320
Being reliable isn't a personality trait, it's a role.
00:00:46.560 --> 00:00:50.160
And that role always comes with a price.
00:00:51.440 --> 00:00:53.120
Welcome back to Brain vs.
00:00:53.359 --> 00:00:53.600
Me.
00:00:53.760 --> 00:00:55.520
I am your host, Joshua Erickson.
00:00:56.000 --> 00:01:01.840
And today we're going to be talking about the cost of being the reliable one.
00:01:03.679 --> 00:01:09.200
Now, to be clear, most likely you didn't choose this role.
00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:11.519
It found you.
00:01:12.640 --> 00:01:14.640
People see you as strong.
00:01:15.519 --> 00:01:20.799
They come to you for support because you handle things.
00:01:21.199 --> 00:01:22.399
You don't complain.
00:01:22.640 --> 00:01:23.920
You keep moving.
00:01:24.479 --> 00:01:29.759
But eventually, that strength becomes an expectation.
00:01:30.959 --> 00:01:35.679
And at first, most likely earlier in your life, you didn't mind it.
00:01:35.759 --> 00:01:38.079
You liked that people relied on you.
00:01:38.239 --> 00:01:40.399
You liked people seeing you as strong.
00:01:40.559 --> 00:01:44.399
You liked that people came to you for support to help them.
00:01:47.119 --> 00:01:55.039
You liked the fact that they saw these other traits in you, these qualities in you, and admired them.
00:01:55.679 --> 00:01:56.879
It felt good.
00:01:57.199 --> 00:01:59.119
You felt useful.
00:01:59.439 --> 00:02:00.959
You felt helpful.
00:02:01.439 --> 00:02:03.280
So you kept doing it.
00:02:04.239 --> 00:02:06.879
And kept doing it and kept doing it.
00:02:08.000 --> 00:02:12.319
But eventually, it became exhausting.
00:02:12.960 --> 00:02:15.680
Eventually, you wanted to complain.
00:02:16.000 --> 00:02:20.000
But now you don't feel like you can complain.
00:02:20.240 --> 00:02:24.159
You don't feel like you can or want to handle things.
00:02:24.400 --> 00:02:28.240
You don't feel like you can or want to keep moving.
00:02:28.640 --> 00:02:31.760
That strength that became an expectation.
00:02:33.040 --> 00:02:40.800
Now it's more like a contract, an unbreakable contract that you signed for yourself.
00:02:43.040 --> 00:02:48.960
So, how did you become the reliable one over time?
00:02:49.120 --> 00:02:50.320
How did you get there?
00:02:50.560 --> 00:02:51.600
Because it's built.
00:02:51.760 --> 00:02:53.280
It's not built in one day.
00:02:53.439 --> 00:02:54.960
It happens slowly.
00:02:55.680 --> 00:02:56.400
You're helpful.
00:02:56.480 --> 00:02:57.840
You go out of your way.
00:02:59.120 --> 00:03:07.360
You find that you have to learn to cope early with these issues that are coming up of you not getting what you want.
00:03:07.920 --> 00:03:11.520
But being happy because everyone else is happy.
00:03:11.840 --> 00:03:14.080
Everyone else relies on you and it feels good.
00:03:15.520 --> 00:03:16.879
So you learn to cope.
00:03:17.040 --> 00:03:19.120
You adapted, you stayed calm.
00:03:19.439 --> 00:03:22.640
You didn't fall apart publicly.
00:03:24.400 --> 00:03:33.360
So people trusted you with the weight of their problems, their burdens, the things that they needed done, the things they needed help with.
00:03:35.439 --> 00:03:38.640
And they liked you because you didn't ask for anything back.
00:03:38.879 --> 00:03:39.760
Nothing.
00:03:41.439 --> 00:03:43.280
You didn't ask for this.
00:03:44.400 --> 00:03:46.000
You just absorbed it.
00:03:46.240 --> 00:03:47.439
You didn't stop.
00:03:50.719 --> 00:03:54.320
This is what I was like until I was probably 18 years old.
00:03:56.159 --> 00:03:59.439
I went out of my way to help everybody.
00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:01.280
Don't know why.
00:04:02.080 --> 00:04:06.000
Other than what I said earlier, where I liked people seeing me that way.
00:04:06.159 --> 00:04:07.280
It felt good.
00:04:08.480 --> 00:04:10.320
It made me feel good.
00:04:11.600 --> 00:04:13.680
I liked being the trusted one.
00:04:14.080 --> 00:04:18.800
I liked being the one who could help you stop falling apart.
00:04:21.600 --> 00:04:31.280
But over time, all this stuff that you're doing weighs on you, even if people don't see it.
00:04:32.639 --> 00:04:39.920
And after a while, you just you get to a point where you can't do it anymore.
00:04:40.319 --> 00:04:41.759
But nobody wants to hear it.
00:04:41.840 --> 00:04:49.840
Because if the reliable one suddenly stops wanting to help people, what the hell is wrong with them?
00:04:50.800 --> 00:04:53.199
You know, something's changed with them.
00:04:53.439 --> 00:04:56.720
I don't know what's going on, but they need help.
00:04:57.439 --> 00:05:01.840
No, what they need is for you to do your own shit.
00:05:02.720 --> 00:05:10.240
What they need is for you to stop trying to stop asking them to solve your problems and go to a fucking therapist yourself.
00:05:11.120 --> 00:05:19.280
They need you to recognize that they are struggling and they need help.
00:05:23.040 --> 00:05:30.240
But some people treat the reliable one as different, as never needing help.
00:05:30.400 --> 00:05:34.639
They convince themselves that you don't ever need anything.
00:05:35.680 --> 00:05:40.879
Maybe you're just self-sufficient and you're amazingly strong in every way.
00:05:43.600 --> 00:05:45.120
So they don't ask.
00:05:45.360 --> 00:05:51.840
Or if they do, it's just the same way as you ask someone at work, how was your weekend?
00:05:52.000 --> 00:05:52.639
You don't care.
00:05:52.800 --> 00:05:54.160
They don't care to answer you.
00:05:54.319 --> 00:05:57.280
You say it was fine, or they say it was fine, and you move on.
00:05:57.439 --> 00:05:57.759
Right?
00:05:57.840 --> 00:05:58.400
That's what it's like.
00:05:58.480 --> 00:05:59.120
Do you need any help?
00:05:59.199 --> 00:05:59.680
Yeah, okay.
00:05:59.759 --> 00:06:00.400
I'm going.
00:06:00.879 --> 00:06:02.560
That's not a real thing.
00:06:05.199 --> 00:06:10.960
Now, what people see is what you're showing them.
00:06:12.319 --> 00:06:18.079
What you feel is not what you sh what you show them.
00:06:19.280 --> 00:06:23.199
So you're not showing them how it's affecting you.
00:06:23.519 --> 00:06:28.480
So all they see is what you want them to see.
00:06:28.720 --> 00:06:36.879
We've talked about masking a lot on this podcast because it affects so many things, and I'm gonna keep talking about it because it comes up a lot.
00:06:39.840 --> 00:06:43.040
So what they see is external strength.
00:06:43.199 --> 00:06:45.840
What you feel is internal fatigue.
00:06:46.000 --> 00:06:52.720
You look composed, you sound confident, you appear stable, but internally you're carrying everything.
00:06:52.879 --> 00:06:58.400
You're carrying their burdens, their problems, and your burden and your problems.
00:06:59.120 --> 00:07:01.040
And everyone else that you help.
00:07:01.199 --> 00:07:02.560
You're carrying that.
00:07:02.800 --> 00:07:07.360
You're trying to remember to do the things you need to do to help everyone else because you want them to feel good.
00:07:07.519 --> 00:07:12.800
You want them to have an easier time, to feel better about themselves, to be stable.
00:07:14.639 --> 00:07:16.240
So you do it all.
00:07:17.680 --> 00:07:22.400
And like I said, you keep that composure, you keep that confidence.
00:07:23.519 --> 00:07:25.759
You make yourself seem stable.
00:07:27.600 --> 00:07:31.600
You don't let them know how you really feel.
00:07:33.199 --> 00:07:42.960
Because in your mind, if you let them know how you feel, they're not going to be able to rely on you.
00:07:44.079 --> 00:07:45.759
Which doesn't feel good.
00:07:46.160 --> 00:07:49.519
And also, you can't help them.
00:07:51.360 --> 00:07:55.040
And they're gonna struggle, and you can't live with that.
00:07:55.600 --> 00:08:02.000
You can't live with the idea of them struggling just because you're falling apart inside.
00:08:05.199 --> 00:08:14.240
So you carry this emotional load where you're not just solving problems, you're holding all the emotions.
00:08:14.400 --> 00:08:21.439
Like I said a minute ago, you're holding all of their problems and solving their problems and yours.
00:08:23.360 --> 00:08:25.199
People vent to you.
00:08:25.920 --> 00:08:28.400
You don't vent to them.
00:08:28.720 --> 00:08:30.400
People rely on you.
00:08:31.600 --> 00:08:38.240
There's maybe no one you can rely on to provide the same thing to you that you do to others.
00:08:38.559 --> 00:08:46.960
People expect you to be calm, no matter what, to absorb their stress and never give any of that back.
00:08:51.440 --> 00:08:54.879
You think you're doing them a favor.
00:08:56.080 --> 00:09:02.000
Maybe you are, but you're doing yourself a giant disfavor.
00:09:02.879 --> 00:09:09.039
You're not unloading your stress, your issues, your anxiety.
00:09:09.279 --> 00:09:11.519
You're not talking to anyone about it.
00:09:13.680 --> 00:09:15.440
You can't keep it inside forever.
00:09:15.759 --> 00:09:18.480
I couldn't keep it inside forever.
00:09:20.720 --> 00:09:25.039
And it becomes a problem if you don't recognize that.
00:09:25.200 --> 00:09:29.759
If you don't recognize what you're holding inside, trying to be that reliable one.
00:09:30.720 --> 00:09:32.480
Because you will break.
00:09:34.960 --> 00:09:40.399
You won't be able to solve the problems, you won't be able to be relied upon.
00:09:41.759 --> 00:09:48.159
You have to be able to unload, invent as well.
00:09:49.360 --> 00:09:53.519
You are not a container.
00:09:54.159 --> 00:10:03.279
You are a person who has the same needs and wants as those other people who rely on you so heavily.
00:10:04.879 --> 00:10:13.519
So, what do you do if you can't go to those same people you're helping and unload and invent to them?
00:10:14.720 --> 00:10:17.680
Well, you do everything alone.
00:10:17.919 --> 00:10:19.680
You isolate yourself.
00:10:20.639 --> 00:10:26.159
Where you can have a breakdown where no one is around.
00:10:28.320 --> 00:10:30.240
So people will still assume that you're fine.
00:10:30.480 --> 00:10:34.560
Nobody's gonna check on you, and you don't want to burden anyone else.
00:10:34.720 --> 00:10:37.039
So you stay quiet, you carry it alone.
00:10:37.919 --> 00:10:44.320
Solitude becomes the only place where you can recharge, where you can get strength.
00:10:44.560 --> 00:11:00.560
And yet, in that solitude, while you might think that it's helping, you're not actually solving any problems because your problems that you're feeling, that you're facing, aren't going to be solved by simply isolation.
00:11:00.720 --> 00:11:02.159
You need to talk to other people.
00:11:02.240 --> 00:11:03.120
It helps.
00:11:06.159 --> 00:11:13.680
So you might think isolation is going to get you what you want, get you strength.
00:11:15.120 --> 00:11:21.039
But that strength isn't truly gonna come from silence.
00:11:22.480 --> 00:11:25.759
You don't have to hold everything.
00:11:26.960 --> 00:11:32.639
You don't have to always be the calm one, you don't have to fix everything.
00:11:35.279 --> 00:11:38.960
And remember, you're allowed to need support.
00:11:39.360 --> 00:11:41.360
You're allowed to rest.
00:11:42.879 --> 00:11:48.399
You're allowed to tell someone else, I just need to talk.
00:11:49.840 --> 00:11:53.440
That is not weakness, that is balance.
00:11:56.000 --> 00:12:12.080
And if you don't find a way to balance what you feel with what other people are giving to you, one day you won't be able to be the reliable one at all.
00:12:14.480 --> 00:12:22.720
I want you to remember that being reliable doesn't mean being invincible.
00:12:23.279 --> 00:12:26.879
It just means you learned how to survive quietly.
00:12:28.240 --> 00:12:30.639
But you don't have to carry the world alone.
00:12:31.039 --> 00:12:33.680
You don't have to be everyone's anchor.
00:12:34.399 --> 00:12:36.720
You're allowed to be supported too.
00:12:38.960 --> 00:12:40.080
Thanks for listening.
00:12:40.159 --> 00:12:41.279
I'm Joshua Erickson.
00:12:41.440 --> 00:12:42.560
This is the Spend the Brain vs.
00:12:42.639 --> 00:12:43.759
Me podcast.
00:12:44.080 --> 00:12:48.320
Remember, even the strong ones deserve space to breathe.
00:00:11.839 --> 00:00:16.240
At some point in your life, you became the dependable one.
00:00:17.199 --> 00:00:23.519
You became the one that people loved because you were quote unquote reliable.
00:00:23.839 --> 00:00:27.520
You were the one who shows up, who handles things, who doesn't fall apart.
00:00:27.840 --> 00:00:33.039
The one that people can lean on, the one who figures everything out, the one who holds everything together.
00:00:33.439 --> 00:00:37.520
What they don't see is what it costs you to stay that way.
00:00:38.079 --> 00:00:42.000
And they don't ask you what it does to you.
00:00:42.800 --> 00:00:46.320
Being reliable isn't a personality trait, it's a role.
00:00:46.560 --> 00:00:50.160
And that role always comes with a price.
00:00:51.440 --> 00:00:53.120
Welcome back to Brain vs.
00:00:53.359 --> 00:00:53.600
Me.
00:00:53.760 --> 00:00:55.520
I am your host, Joshua Erickson.
00:00:56.000 --> 00:01:01.840
And today we're going to be talking about the cost of being the reliable one.
00:01:03.679 --> 00:01:09.200
Now, to be clear, most likely you didn't choose this role.
00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:11.519
It found you.
00:01:12.640 --> 00:01:14.640
People see you as strong.
00:01:15.519 --> 00:01:20.799
They come to you for support because you handle things.
00:01:21.199 --> 00:01:22.399
You don't complain.
00:01:22.640 --> 00:01:23.920
You keep moving.
00:01:24.479 --> 00:01:29.759
But eventually, that strength becomes an expectation.
00:01:30.959 --> 00:01:35.679
And at first, most likely earlier in your life, you didn't mind it.
00:01:35.759 --> 00:01:38.079
You liked that people relied on you.
00:01:38.239 --> 00:01:40.399
You liked people seeing you as strong.
00:01:40.559 --> 00:01:44.399
You liked that people came to you for support to help them.
00:01:47.119 --> 00:01:55.039
You liked the fact that they saw these other traits in you, these qualities in you, and admired them.
00:01:55.679 --> 00:01:56.879
It felt good.
00:01:57.199 --> 00:01:59.119
You felt useful.
00:01:59.439 --> 00:02:00.959
You felt helpful.
00:02:01.439 --> 00:02:03.280
So you kept doing it.
00:02:04.239 --> 00:02:06.879
And kept doing it and kept doing it.
00:02:08.000 --> 00:02:12.319
But eventually, it became exhausting.
00:02:12.960 --> 00:02:15.680
Eventually, you wanted to complain.
00:02:16.000 --> 00:02:20.000
But now you don't feel like you can complain.
00:02:20.240 --> 00:02:24.159
You don't feel like you can or want to handle things.
00:02:24.400 --> 00:02:28.240
You don't feel like you can or want to keep moving.
00:02:28.640 --> 00:02:31.760
That strength that became an expectation.
00:02:33.040 --> 00:02:40.800
Now it's more like a contract, an unbreakable contract that you signed for yourself.
00:02:43.040 --> 00:02:48.960
So, how did you become the reliable one over time?
00:02:49.120 --> 00:02:50.320
How did you get there?
00:02:50.560 --> 00:02:51.600
Because it's built.
00:02:51.760 --> 00:02:53.280
It's not built in one day.
00:02:53.439 --> 00:02:54.960
It happens slowly.
00:02:55.680 --> 00:02:56.400
You're helpful.
00:02:56.480 --> 00:02:57.840
You go out of your way.
00:02:59.120 --> 00:03:07.360
You find that you have to learn to cope early with these issues that are coming up of you not getting what you want.
00:03:07.920 --> 00:03:11.520
But being happy because everyone else is happy.
00:03:11.840 --> 00:03:14.080
Everyone else relies on you and it feels good.
00:03:15.520 --> 00:03:16.879
So you learn to cope.
00:03:17.040 --> 00:03:19.120
You adapted, you stayed calm.
00:03:19.439 --> 00:03:22.640
You didn't fall apart publicly.
00:03:24.400 --> 00:03:33.360
So people trusted you with the weight of their problems, their burdens, the things that they needed done, the things they needed help with.
00:03:35.439 --> 00:03:38.640
And they liked you because you didn't ask for anything back.
00:03:38.879 --> 00:03:39.760
Nothing.
00:03:41.439 --> 00:03:43.280
You didn't ask for this.
00:03:44.400 --> 00:03:46.000
You just absorbed it.
00:03:46.240 --> 00:03:47.439
You didn't stop.
00:03:50.719 --> 00:03:54.320
This is what I was like until I was probably 18 years old.
00:03:56.159 --> 00:03:59.439
I went out of my way to help everybody.
00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:01.280
Don't know why.
00:04:02.080 --> 00:04:06.000
Other than what I said earlier, where I liked people seeing me that way.
00:04:06.159 --> 00:04:07.280
It felt good.
00:04:08.480 --> 00:04:10.320
It made me feel good.
00:04:11.600 --> 00:04:13.680
I liked being the trusted one.
00:04:14.080 --> 00:04:18.800
I liked being the one who could help you stop falling apart.
00:04:21.600 --> 00:04:31.280
But over time, all this stuff that you're doing weighs on you, even if people don't see it.
00:04:32.639 --> 00:04:39.920
And after a while, you just you get to a point where you can't do it anymore.
00:04:40.319 --> 00:04:41.759
But nobody wants to hear it.
00:04:41.840 --> 00:04:49.840
Because if the reliable one suddenly stops wanting to help people, what the hell is wrong with them?
00:04:50.800 --> 00:04:53.199
You know, something's changed with them.
00:04:53.439 --> 00:04:56.720
I don't know what's going on, but they need help.
00:04:57.439 --> 00:05:01.840
No, what they need is for you to do your own shit.
00:05:02.720 --> 00:05:10.240
What they need is for you to stop trying to stop asking them to solve your problems and go to a fucking therapist yourself.
00:05:11.120 --> 00:05:19.280
They need you to recognize that they are struggling and they need help.
00:05:23.040 --> 00:05:30.240
But some people treat the reliable one as different, as never needing help.
00:05:30.400 --> 00:05:34.639
They convince themselves that you don't ever need anything.
00:05:35.680 --> 00:05:40.879
Maybe you're just self-sufficient and you're amazingly strong in every way.
00:05:43.600 --> 00:05:45.120
So they don't ask.
00:05:45.360 --> 00:05:51.840
Or if they do, it's just the same way as you ask someone at work, how was your weekend?
00:05:52.000 --> 00:05:52.639
You don't care.
00:05:52.800 --> 00:05:54.160
They don't care to answer you.
00:05:54.319 --> 00:05:57.280
You say it was fine, or they say it was fine, and you move on.
00:05:57.439 --> 00:05:57.759
Right?
00:05:57.840 --> 00:05:58.400
That's what it's like.
00:05:58.480 --> 00:05:59.120
Do you need any help?
00:05:59.199 --> 00:05:59.680
Yeah, okay.
00:05:59.759 --> 00:06:00.400
I'm going.
00:06:00.879 --> 00:06:02.560
That's not a real thing.
00:06:05.199 --> 00:06:10.960
Now, what people see is what you're showing them.
00:06:12.319 --> 00:06:18.079
What you feel is not what you sh what you show them.
00:06:19.280 --> 00:06:23.199
So you're not showing them how it's affecting you.
00:06:23.519 --> 00:06:28.480
So all they see is what you want them to see.
00:06:28.720 --> 00:06:36.879
We've talked about masking a lot on this podcast because it affects so many things, and I'm gonna keep talking about it because it comes up a lot.
00:06:39.840 --> 00:06:43.040
So what they see is external strength.
00:06:43.199 --> 00:06:45.840
What you feel is internal fatigue.
00:06:46.000 --> 00:06:52.720
You look composed, you sound confident, you appear stable, but internally you're carrying everything.
00:06:52.879 --> 00:06:58.400
You're carrying their burdens, their problems, and your burden and your problems.
00:06:59.120 --> 00:07:01.040
And everyone else that you help.
00:07:01.199 --> 00:07:02.560
You're carrying that.
00:07:02.800 --> 00:07:07.360
You're trying to remember to do the things you need to do to help everyone else because you want them to feel good.
00:07:07.519 --> 00:07:12.800
You want them to have an easier time, to feel better about themselves, to be stable.
00:07:14.639 --> 00:07:16.240
So you do it all.
00:07:17.680 --> 00:07:22.400
And like I said, you keep that composure, you keep that confidence.
00:07:23.519 --> 00:07:25.759
You make yourself seem stable.
00:07:27.600 --> 00:07:31.600
You don't let them know how you really feel.
00:07:33.199 --> 00:07:42.960
Because in your mind, if you let them know how you feel, they're not going to be able to rely on you.
00:07:44.079 --> 00:07:45.759
Which doesn't feel good.
00:07:46.160 --> 00:07:49.519
And also, you can't help them.
00:07:51.360 --> 00:07:55.040
And they're gonna struggle, and you can't live with that.
00:07:55.600 --> 00:08:02.000
You can't live with the idea of them struggling just because you're falling apart inside.
00:08:05.199 --> 00:08:14.240
So you carry this emotional load where you're not just solving problems, you're holding all the emotions.
00:08:14.400 --> 00:08:21.439
Like I said a minute ago, you're holding all of their problems and solving their problems and yours.
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People vent to you.
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You don't vent to them.
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People rely on you.
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There's maybe no one you can rely on to provide the same thing to you that you do to others.
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People expect you to be calm, no matter what, to absorb their stress and never give any of that back.
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You think you're doing them a favor.
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Maybe you are, but you're doing yourself a giant disfavor.
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You're not unloading your stress, your issues, your anxiety.
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You're not talking to anyone about it.
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You can't keep it inside forever.
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I couldn't keep it inside forever.
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And it becomes a problem if you don't recognize that.
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If you don't recognize what you're holding inside, trying to be that reliable one.
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Because you will break.
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You won't be able to solve the problems, you won't be able to be relied upon.
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You have to be able to unload, invent as well.
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You are not a container.
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You are a person who has the same needs and wants as those other people who rely on you so heavily.
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So, what do you do if you can't go to those same people you're helping and unload and invent to them?
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Well, you do everything alone.
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You isolate yourself.
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Where you can have a breakdown where no one is around.
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So people will still assume that you're fine.
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Nobody's gonna check on you, and you don't want to burden anyone else.
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So you stay quiet, you carry it alone.
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Solitude becomes the only place where you can recharge, where you can get strength.
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And yet, in that solitude, while you might think that it's helping, you're not actually solving any problems because your problems that you're feeling, that you're facing, aren't going to be solved by simply isolation.
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You need to talk to other people.
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It helps.
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So you might think isolation is going to get you what you want, get you strength.
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But that strength isn't truly gonna come from silence.
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You don't have to hold everything.
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You don't have to always be the calm one, you don't have to fix everything.
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And remember, you're allowed to need support.
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You're allowed to rest.
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You're allowed to tell someone else, I just need to talk.
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That is not weakness, that is balance.
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And if you don't find a way to balance what you feel with what other people are giving to you, one day you won't be able to be the reliable one at all.
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I want you to remember that being reliable doesn't mean being invincible.
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It just means you learned how to survive quietly.
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But you don't have to carry the world alone.
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You don't have to be everyone's anchor.
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You're allowed to be supported too.
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Thanks for listening.
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I'm Joshua Erickson.
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This is the Spend the Brain vs.
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Me podcast.
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Remember, even the strong ones deserve space to breathe.
