Forgiving Your Mistakes:You Will Mess Up as a Parent, and You Can Repair It

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Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families.
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We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling.
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Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer.
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Now here is your host, Cal Farley Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
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Hello and welcome.
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I think today's topic is so important because for some reason, it's easy for us as parents to feel like we're supposed to have it all figured out.
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There's this unspoken pressure to be perfect, to always make the right choices and never show our kids, our friends, our families that we're flawed and capable of mistakes.
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But the truth is, we're all gonna mess up, and that's okay.
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Today we're gonna dive in how to navigate these moments with grace and compassion for ourselves and for our families.
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To do that, today I'm joined by Suzanne Ratt, Vice President of Training and Intervention.
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Sam Cerna, Assistant Administrator of Residential Programs.
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Chloe Hewitt, youth programs administrator.
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All right, let's kick off with our question of the day.
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Can you share an experience that is now in hindsight funny that you as a parent really messed up?
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I mean, I have a couple.
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So I just yesterday I actually had kind of a moment, which I guess is funny if you look at it.
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But my husband was teaching my six-year-old how to ride a bike without training wheels.
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And so they left to go to a parking lot because it was more flat.
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And my husband thought it would be easier to teach him flat than like our road's a little curved.
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But I guess at some point he fell in two bushes and then the bike also cut up his leg.
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Oh no.
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And so when he came in, I go, Oh my god, what is wrong?
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And then and my husband said, Chloe, he was very proud until he saw your face.
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And so it's funny now, but it was not funny.
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My husband was very mad and he had to walk away because he was like, Chloe, you was proud, and now you like embarrassed.
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I know for me, my daughters do cross country and they usually take an allergy med in the morning.
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And one day, I don't know what I I guess we got up too early or something, but I grabbed the wrong bottle and I gave her a melatonin instead of her allergy pill.
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And the whole I didn't re realize it till later, but she was like, I don't know why I was just so sleepy during that run.
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It was so terrible.
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And then I saw the bottle on the counter and I'm like, oh my goodness, I'm the worst.
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I can think of a lot of times that I messed up, but none that are funny because I probably feel so guilty about messing up.
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Which is actually leads into our topic today.
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To just to get started for today, Chloe, do you mind telling us what the inspiration for this topic was?
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Yeah, so Josh asked us if we had any topics, and last week my sister called me.
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She had left an event with her, he's almost two, my nephew, and he had been acting out the whole time that they were at this like pumpkin patch event thing.
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And she called me in tears and was like, I'm a horrible mom, I'm not doing this right, and kind of just was really struggling with like, how do you do this parenting thing?
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And early on, I had kind of told her, you know, you start to kind of see your parenting skills once they are over one and closer to two, because then they're able to like kind of come like fight you on some of what you're asking.
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And so really we had to talk through about how it's also okay to forgive yourself and also have grace for yourself.
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And so, in thinking that, it was kind of on my mind all weekend that maybe she's not the only person that feels this way every day.
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So then why do you think it is so hard to forgive ourselves when we make a mistake as a parent?
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I think that as a parent, we feel like the stakes are really high, right?
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This is raising another human being.
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We are preparing that child to grow up and be a productive citizen out in the world.
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And that does seem like a daunting task.
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It it seems to be much more serious if I make a mistake raising a child than if I make a mistake and put too much salt in the soup or you know, buy a car that turns out to be a limited just, you know.
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And I think also that we feel like our children are a reflection of ourselves, and so we want to put our best foot forward and we want to see the best in them.
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And honestly, that's just not a realistic expectation for the child or for us as parents.
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Yeah.
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I also think that by the time you realize you made a mistake, you're in a different frame of mind.
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Oftentimes, because of emotion, we react in a way because of whatever is happening or the safety of the child or whatever is going on in the situation.
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I think when you get time to pause and think, you're like you can say, Hey, I didn't handle that the best.
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I really messed that up.
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You know, and so you gotta remember of the place you were in.
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That's why it's so hard.
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Because at the time that you're doing the action, you might have not had all the information.
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You might not have, or you might have just been reacting.
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And now, now you're that when you're alone and you're you're thinking, or somebody gives you some insight, you're like, dang it, I should have done that better.
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So good.
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I think it's just hard not to critique ourselves all the time.
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You know, and one of the things that in our conversation with me and my sister is I said, What do you want them, what do you really want your kids to believe about you at the end of the day?
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And so I said, like, for me, I focus a lot on I want them to know they can always come home and that they'll always be loved no matter what.
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So find that route because we have that with our parents, that our parents always made us feel like we could come home.
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And not every as I've gone through life, I've realized not everybody has that same feeling.
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So forgive the small moments and realize your big picture.
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So why is self-forgiveness essential for a parent's well-being and the well-being of their children?
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Well, if we don't verbalize to them how we're gonna forgive ourselves and or even a lot of times I'll ask them like, Hey, do you forgive me whenever I do apologize?
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I'll say, Do you forgive me for what I did?
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You know, because I want them to verbalize, but if we don't, if they don't see us forgive ourselves, then how are they gonna forgive themselves when they mess up?
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And so it is modeling that for them so that they can believe and forgive themselves when they mess up.
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I also think that forgiveness is some way overcoming guilt, right?
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So if I can't forgive myself, right, then I just keep compounding guilt.
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So because I'm gonna mess up again.
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And if a parent can't forgive the last thing, now I messed up again.
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And here I go again, and I'm and that could form some kind of maybe self-image of of you or to yourself, not that anybody else thinks that.
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I think that we spend a lot of time teaching children to learn how to do better the next time.
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Yeah.
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So you make a mistake and you learn from that mistake and you do better.
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And if and if we're not doing that for ourselves, that's an unrealistic expectation for our kids.
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So we have to be able to we have to have the self-awareness to realize when we've made a mistake and then acknowledge that and learn from it and say, How could I behave differently next time?
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Right, which is is exactly what I want my children to learn.
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I I love that you said that.
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So, in talking about the bike story yesterday, I said that before, Austin.
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My husband struggles somewhat with the temperature and so before he left, I was like, Don't get angry.
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And so, but when um when he came back, Leighton said to um me, he's like, Dad did so good, he was calm the whole time.
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And he didn't he he didn't hear me say that to Austin, but I just was like it wondering like that he like also can acknowledge, like, hey, like when that that dad forgives himself.
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So it was a kind of a cool little moment there for a moment for me.
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I also wonder if you're not forgiving yourself, that creates like some uneasiness in the relationship, and the kid doesn't feel comfortable coming to you if you haven't forgiven.
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I mean, I feel like they can sense that sometimes.
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Oh, yeah, yeah.
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Well, yeah, and we also know that the the caregiver, we talk about these in all the other podcasts that we've done.
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Caregivers' experiences, how the caregiver feels, has an automatic impact on the children.
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Well, I'm not feeling well about myself.
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There's things I'm gonna miss, there's things that the kid's gonna pick up on.
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That's why forgiving my myself is important for the well-being of the child as well.
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So, what advice do you have for parents who feel judged by others when they make a mistake?
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I think that feeling is usually more about ourselves than actual judgment that we're receiving from another person, right?
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And every family operates different, they have different values, they have different rules for their children.
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And so I can't really look at another family and judge how they do it, why they do it, right?
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And so the same is true for me.
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I have to, I have to stay true to what our family values are.
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I know my children and their personalities and how they'll respond to different forms of discipline or redirection.
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And I have to just lock that out, what other people might think of that, right?
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I as a parent and the only one responsible for my family, and I cannot operate based on what I think another person thinks, right?
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I, you know, I've been in those situations, like probably how your sister felt at the pumpkin pat drive where she she's got a kid who's, you know, I wouldn't even say misbehaving, I would say a kid who's acting like they're one and a half to two years old, right?
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Yeah, but it feels out of control to her, right?
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And she probably felt like other people were looking or judging.
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And I think you really just have to block that out.
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She knows her child, she knows what he needs in that moment.
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Is it a snack?
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Is it a nap?
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Is it some one-on-one attention with mom?
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Is he overstimulated, right?
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And kind of block that out and provide for the needs of your child.
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And I know that's hard, but I just don't think other people's judgment has a role to play in my parenting.
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Yeah, I mean, it was, you know, one of the profound things in that conversation is I guess my nephew had hit a duck over the head, which my sister lives in Austin, Texas.
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And so she's like, they it's animal cruelty here, they're gonna freak out on me.
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And so I was telling her, like, hey, there's like the in that moment, all you can do is worry about what he needs.
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Like you can't, and so just don't even I'm gonna tell you my advice is I never look up.
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So recently, probably six months ago, like my daughter screamed the entire way through Walmart, like bloody murder, because I wouldn't buy her a piece of candy.
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And I did not cave.
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I was like, no, we're not getting candy, but she let me have it.
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And I could sense everyone was looking, and I was like, Don't look up, Chloe.
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Just scan your items and get out of the store.
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And you know, I'm sure there were people that thought just spank her, just do all these things, and I was like, it's okay.
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And then we got in the car and I just held her and she's like, I'm sorry, mom, I was not doing well.
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And I was like, it's okay.
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But you know, you do start to wonder what do these people believe about my parenting and what and I think you are the only one that knows your child the best.
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And so you kind of just have to take a step back and realize that it's more about because I said, What is it about?
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And she's like, It was the control, like what you said that I couldn't control the situation.
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And I said, Yeah, that's normal that we all feel that way.
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Yeah, and I think the word feel is important, right?
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We it's what we think, our perception, our lens.
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But what if we consider what if there's somebody in that crowd that's going, hey, you're handling that well.
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Yeah, I really like how and respect how she's being so patient with this child and how she's not hitting, right?
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So somewhere where there's judgment one way, maybe there's empathy on the other side of it, right?
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But I think our negative lens may might take over.
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So I guess my advice is maybe try to reframe your thoughts about what other people think because you're in a place with you and you know you, and like you said, you said that well, Suzanne.
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You're in a you're in a your space, the kids in your child is in their space, and only you can take care of you and your child.
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Yeah, and and for most of us who are parents, boy, we've all been there.
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Oh yeah.
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We we have all been there with a child in a public place having a meltdown for for whatever reason, and we've all boy wished our kids didn't behave that way or say something in particular.
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And so just know while it may not be spoken, there's not a parent there who's not feeling for you in that moment.
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Yeah.
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So how can parents distinguish between that constructive feedback and mere judgment?
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You know, I think it starts with being humble.
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So I was amazed that that when I got the call from my sister that it was still, and so then we processed through all of it, but then she said, okay, what can I do to help it?
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So then she wanted feedback on how to change it.
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And so one of the things we talked about was front loading, which I'm amazed, I guess I've never used with her.
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But I said, Well, do you tell them about it what's gonna happen the next day before?
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She said, No, I tell them like sometime before we leave.
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And I said, try, I tell the kids like the day before, like, hey, this is what we have tomorrow, and this is what's gonna happen.
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So try that because it it works wonders for my kids.
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My daughter will even say, like, okay, I'm at ranch tomorrow, what am I doing the next day?
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Like she, and then she repeats it back.
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So that was one of the things that we talked about.
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But she actually asked for multiple things.
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And I think that that is the one thing you can be humble in asking because that's not easy to do, and it has to be with somebody you trust, I think.
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Well, and one of the things you pointed out is that she asked, right?
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And so as a parent, if I ask for feedback, that's a little different than if a stranger comes over and makes a snarky comment about how I'm parenting, right?
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And I have to understand what's that person's intent, right?
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A snark, a snarky comment isn't intended to help me help my child, right?
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So I have to put that in perspective and maybe give that person some grace and move on.
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And when I do want some feedback, I'm gonna think about who I would ask, right?
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I'm gonna ask somebody who's been through that before and maybe somebody who's in the middle of it and somebody whose judgment I trust, somebody who would give me godly wisdom and and perspective.
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And so I think I always think that it's a bad idea to give advice unless you've been asked.
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So true.
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You know, and when somebody gives you unasked for advice, again, extend a little grace and move on.
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Yeah, whenever well-meaning family members make those comments, it's really hard not to be offended, but I think you're right, just give that grace and move on.
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So, how do social media and public perception affect a parent's ability to forgive themselves?
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Well, I think that's really hard.
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I think that young mothers today in their 20s, 30s, maybe even 40s, are constantly surrounded by a barrage, perfect parents on social media.
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You know, their homes are perfect and their children are perfect, and it's just a facade.
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But it's really hard not to compare yourself to those people.
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And again, it's just like any social media relationship that's not based in the real world.
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Right.
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I think one of the things you have to do is build real life relationships with other parents and other families with children of similar ages to yours so that you can see here's what real life looks like and it's messy for all of us.
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And what you see in a social media shoot is probably not not achievable.
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Yeah, I mean, I think it's so hard nowadays.
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So you see it all the time.
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And you don't just see it's not even about parenting anymore.
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It like, or just that it's like, oh, you also need to make all the your the food homemade so that they all organic.
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And then you can use your own wheat flour and use your own eggs.
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And and that's where I as a mom sometimes feel all this pressure, like working, but I'm also trying to be supportive and have them in all the activities, but still make home cooked meals.
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And it's all that added pressure, I think, that you kind of get from social media because it's all on there to do it all.
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And I remembered seeing something recently that's like, mom is overstimulated because the TV's on 80, somebody's yelling they want ice cream, somebody you're trying to cook, your husband's in and out, mowing the yard, and you're like, that is exactly how I feel every day.
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And so I think it's saying no when you need to, and that's something I've really had to work on because I'm not good at saying no to when people ask me to do stuff for them.
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And so now I've gotten better about that.
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I've also kind of made it a rule that my kids are only going to be involved in like one thing each, because I cannot manage if they're both in something or in that you know, charge is a priority for us.
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And so kind of forgiving myself to saying no to all of that because I do feel a lot of the pressure from social media and all that creates shame.
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Yeah, I agree.
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It just creates shame.
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I mean, you're you're you're like, I'm not good enough.
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I'm I can't do this, I can't afford that.
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Not everybody can afford to put their kids in music and dance and things like that.
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So you make do with what you have and give the kids everything you can.
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And yeah, if you're listening to other people and you I mean, it's not wise to go in debt, right?
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Over just trying to make this perception work, it's it's fake, and then it just keeps guilt going in the parent.
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And so you really you just gotta be where you're at and do the best you can.
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It's okay.
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I had a conversation with a young mother a while back, and she was struggling to pay for her daughter to be in dance, but it was really important to her for her daughter to get to participate and get to compete, and it's very expensive, right?
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Not only the lessons, but travel to these competitions and the costumes for the competitions and on and on and on.
00:15:04.159 --> 00:15:15.840
And and so she was struggling to pay her bills, but but whatever it was gonna take to get her daughter in dance was important to her, and some of that was about her own unmet needs as a child, right?
00:15:15.919 --> 00:15:26.080
She felt like she had missed out, that she didn't get to compete in some things that were important to her, and so she's she's making that up to her own little self, right?
00:15:26.240 --> 00:15:29.600
By ensuring that her daughter never has to do without.
00:15:29.679 --> 00:15:31.600
But you know, that's about parental guilt.
00:15:32.399 --> 00:15:40.639
And and she's she's setting some unrealistic expectations for herself financially and time-wise because of some past guilt.
00:15:40.720 --> 00:15:46.000
And I think that's important too, that we don't make financial decisions, right, based on parental guilt.
00:15:46.159 --> 00:15:52.960
It also made me think of a time when uh one of my daughters was in elementary school and I was supposed to make cookies for some event at school.
00:15:53.039 --> 00:15:57.120
And I get home after work and there's a lot going on, and I realize I've got to make these cookies.
00:15:57.200 --> 00:16:00.159
And my husband said, just go to the store and buy a package of cookies.
00:16:00.559 --> 00:16:02.480
And I look, I just looked at him.
00:16:02.559 --> 00:16:03.519
I was incredulous.
00:16:03.600 --> 00:16:05.440
How could you suggest such a thing?
00:16:05.600 --> 00:16:08.320
And it wasn't that the kids wouldn't, they wouldn't, they don't care, right?
00:16:08.399 --> 00:16:20.559
And they would have been just as happy with a package of Oreos, but that was about me feeling that I would be judged by the other parents, possibly the teacher, because I showed up with package cookies instead of homemade.
00:16:20.799 --> 00:16:23.279
In reality, the package would have just been fine.
00:16:23.840 --> 00:16:27.840
So, how can parents recognize that they're holding on to guilt longer than necessary?
00:16:28.159 --> 00:16:34.559
You know, I think sometimes we don't even know that it's there until another situation comes up, and then we're like, whoa, what was my reaction like that for?
00:16:34.639 --> 00:16:38.720
You know, or our spouse says, Hey, that was pretty sharp the way you responded to that.
00:16:38.879 --> 00:16:42.720
And so then, you know, being honest with ourselves at that point, what's driving some of that?
00:16:42.799 --> 00:16:45.679
And maybe it is the guilt from previous not the package cookies.
00:16:45.759 --> 00:16:47.679
Because I'm with you, Suzanne.
00:16:47.759 --> 00:16:49.919
I it's hard for me not to do it homemade.
00:16:50.080 --> 00:16:52.720
And but luckily we have husbands that point it out.
00:16:52.879 --> 00:16:56.960
My husband is very much like Chloe, like, take something off your plate because you have a million things.
00:16:57.120 --> 00:17:03.200
And so sometimes you just need your spouse or a good friend to point that out that you're doing the best you can with what you've got.
00:17:03.360 --> 00:17:07.039
So I was trying to figure out holding on to guilt longer than necessary, man.
00:17:07.200 --> 00:17:11.839
First, you gotta understand that you you gotta recognize that do you understand that you're even feeling guilty?
00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:14.160
I mean, what what space are you in?
00:17:14.319 --> 00:17:21.599
I think there's a lot of a lot of times, especially those of us who are kids have grown already, you look you're gonna look back at a lot of things and say, Wow, I could have done that better.
00:17:21.759 --> 00:17:22.720
Wow, I could have done this better.
00:17:22.880 --> 00:17:29.440
One of the one of the most profound things I did, I think I did this with both of my kids, was tell them, hey, I'm sorry I couldn't do better.
00:17:29.519 --> 00:17:30.319
I wish I was better.
00:17:30.400 --> 00:17:35.200
You know, my both, you know, I remember my son, I was I was in the car with him when I said, Hey, you know, you're you're graduating.
00:17:35.279 --> 00:17:36.319
I wish I'd have been a better dad.
00:17:36.400 --> 00:17:37.039
I wish I could have done it.
00:17:37.119 --> 00:17:40.079
I think I named a few instances of things that in hindsight I could have done better.
00:17:40.160 --> 00:17:41.519
And he said, Hey, you're great dad.
00:17:41.920 --> 00:17:43.599
You know, and my daughter said the same thing.
00:17:44.079 --> 00:17:44.720
You're a good dad.
00:17:44.799 --> 00:17:45.920
You know, why do we hold on?
00:17:46.000 --> 00:17:46.559
I mean, why?
00:17:46.640 --> 00:17:50.240
I mean, I I don't it's hard to understand why why we do it and why we think it's necessary.
00:17:50.400 --> 00:17:51.680
And I think it's because we want to do.
00:17:51.839 --> 00:17:52.559
You said this earlier.
00:17:52.720 --> 00:17:54.640
You said, Suzanne, that it's it's heavy.
00:17:54.720 --> 00:17:57.839
You know, we have to it we're responsible for their well-being.
00:17:58.079 --> 00:18:00.160
And sometimes they're just gonna be okay.
00:18:00.480 --> 00:18:06.880
And you know, we have to understand that they got they're gonna have to make their own way, and I did the best I could, and they acknowledge that it's gonna I think too.
00:18:06.960 --> 00:18:11.519
I didn't even talk about this, but I'm curious about the guilt of when you do something for yourself.
00:18:11.680 --> 00:18:15.920
I don't know if anybody else has that, but I recently volunteered at two events this week.
00:18:16.079 --> 00:18:24.240
Well, I ran a 5k for a good cause, and then I volunteered at another nonprofit this week, and so I was gone a lot Saturday, and my daughter was like, Why you always gotta go help people?
00:18:24.720 --> 00:18:26.079
And she was like mad.
00:18:26.240 --> 00:18:32.559
She was visibly mad, like actually during the conversation that I wasn't like home much, and even though I had been home in the middle part of the day.
00:18:32.640 --> 00:18:34.079
But I remember being like, Man, I feel bad.
00:18:34.160 --> 00:18:35.839
Should I have not said no to one of the events?
00:18:35.920 --> 00:18:38.799
And then I was like, Well, but it's also okay for mom to go do her own thing.
00:18:38.880 --> 00:18:48.480
And so we kind of talked through that, but that's a guilt that I also deal with is anytime I take an hour to work out or you know, an hour for one of my shows, like, am I being guilty for that?
00:18:48.640 --> 00:18:48.960
You know?
00:18:49.039 --> 00:18:50.720
So that's another guilt I've dealt with.
00:18:50.960 --> 00:18:59.599
One thing that's helped me with this skill thing is our pastor during one of his sermons said, Now, when you read the Bible, can you name one good parent in the entire Bible?
00:18:59.759 --> 00:19:00.720
And there's not any, right?
00:19:00.799 --> 00:19:01.599
They're all messed up.
00:19:01.680 --> 00:19:03.440
They all, I mean, and we're all gonna mess up.
00:19:03.519 --> 00:19:05.200
And I think there's a lot of grace in that.
00:19:05.279 --> 00:19:11.200
That that helped me kind of let go of some of the silly stuff I've done in the past that made me feel bad about my job as a parent.
00:19:11.519 --> 00:19:11.839
That's good.
00:19:12.079 --> 00:19:20.640
So when we're reconciling with our kids, making things right, what is a redo and how can that be an effective strategy when uh we as adults make mistakes?
00:19:20.880 --> 00:19:25.599
So redo is kind of like saying, Hey, let's try this all over again, let's start this whole thing back over.
00:19:25.759 --> 00:19:26.960
I use it a lot with my kids.
00:19:27.039 --> 00:19:31.200
I I know we've talked about it in a podcast, like, oh, that was a way, that was a hard way we just said that.
00:19:31.279 --> 00:19:32.000
Let's try that again.
00:19:32.160 --> 00:19:33.440
Like that's kind of a redo.
00:19:33.519 --> 00:19:39.440
And so sometimes I will say, like, I'll go back through the door and come back through the door and try it all over again, repeating how I said it.
00:19:39.599 --> 00:19:43.200
And but then your kids get too good and they say, Oh, mom, you didn't ask that well.
00:19:43.279 --> 00:19:44.000
Let's try again.
00:19:44.319 --> 00:19:46.480
So then they do they start to use it on you as well.
00:19:46.559 --> 00:19:52.640
Like, well, I I find that reconciling one of the most important things you do with your kids, they know you're not infallible.
00:19:52.799 --> 00:19:53.279
They know.
00:19:53.440 --> 00:19:56.480
I mean, they see you at your best and your worst at times.
00:19:56.559 --> 00:20:01.039
And I think admitting that you've made a mistake, I I really like the way you say that's real playful.
00:20:01.119 --> 00:20:02.559
Now they're kind of redirecting.
00:20:02.799 --> 00:20:07.519
Of course, you have to have the frame of mind it's okay to say that to dad because today I'm not having a kid.
00:20:07.759 --> 00:20:09.039
Yeah, I don't know if they use it with all stuff.
00:20:09.200 --> 00:20:09.839
They use it with dad.
00:20:10.240 --> 00:20:11.359
Exactly in all different place.
00:20:11.599 --> 00:20:15.599
But you know, I I think it's really neat because I think it's a learning opportunity for the kid, right?
00:20:15.759 --> 00:20:16.960
Because you're modeling for them.
00:20:17.279 --> 00:20:17.440
Right?
00:20:17.519 --> 00:20:19.200
It's it's it's what we're talking about, right?
00:20:19.440 --> 00:20:26.000
It can maybe help you relieve some of your guilt if you're able to just to redo it and say it, or at least say I'm sorry, or at least say, Hey, you know what?
00:20:26.079 --> 00:20:30.000
I think I could have handled that better, and you know, I want to do better and have a conversation with your kids.
00:20:30.240 --> 00:20:31.519
I was, you know, at any age.
00:20:31.599 --> 00:20:35.519
I think I think I did that more with my teens than I did with when them when my kids were little.
00:20:35.599 --> 00:20:41.119
I think little I was more authoritative than uh when in their teenage years, I kind of, you know, had more conversation with them.
00:20:41.279 --> 00:20:42.400
I think they could appreciate that.
00:20:42.880 --> 00:20:53.359
You know, I've I've been working with kids out here at Boys Ranch for 24 years, and the most powerful strides I've made in any relationship with a child were when I went and said, Hey, I'm sorry.
00:20:53.759 --> 00:20:54.160
Oh yeah.
00:20:54.319 --> 00:20:54.480
Right.
00:20:54.960 --> 00:20:58.319
That was more powerful than any other interaction I've ever had.
00:20:58.480 --> 00:21:03.440
And if you've never messed up when you're working with kids or your own kids, you just haven't been doing it long enough.
00:21:03.680 --> 00:21:03.839
Right.
00:21:03.920 --> 00:21:06.480
Like your sister didn't mess up for the first 18 minutes.
00:21:07.279 --> 00:21:09.200
But I mean, eventually you're gonna mess up, right?
00:21:09.279 --> 00:21:15.359
You're gonna be stressed or sleepy or hangry or you know, and you're gonna say something or lose your temper.
00:21:15.519 --> 00:21:20.960
And so when I've gone to a child and said, Hey, I messed up, I'm really sorry, you know, I handled that wrong.
00:21:21.119 --> 00:21:24.960
Could I, could I have a redo, or could, or could we start again, or would you forgive me?
00:21:25.119 --> 00:21:33.519
That that's just done so much to strengthen our relationship because kids expect that you're gonna come and justify your behavior, right?
00:21:33.599 --> 00:21:38.319
But when you own your behavior, just like you expect them to do, yeah, right, that's really powerful.
00:21:38.559 --> 00:21:40.400
Well, and I mean, in any relationship, right?
00:21:40.480 --> 00:21:49.279
Like even for us, like people that we're probably closest to, we've had conflict, or we've come and talked about, or the people that I do feel closest to, I could say, Hey, I hey Sam, I messed that up.
00:21:49.359 --> 00:21:54.319
Like let's or I didn't do this well yesterday, you know, like because you have an open and honest communication.
00:21:54.480 --> 00:21:59.519
And I think that that is so powerful when we do it with our kids and then just with even people that we interact with.
00:22:00.079 --> 00:22:00.799
Our friends and family.
00:22:01.039 --> 00:22:04.000
Do you ever feel like it's scary to ask for a redo with your kids?
00:22:04.160 --> 00:22:07.599
Like I know with like all of you, if I asked for redo, you I wouldn't feel scared at all.
00:22:07.680 --> 00:22:09.599
But with my kids for some reason, I don't know what it is.
00:22:09.680 --> 00:22:11.119
It's like I'm it's hard, it seems harder.
00:22:13.200 --> 00:22:14.079
Maybe that's what it is.
00:22:14.240 --> 00:22:14.640
I don't know.
00:22:14.799 --> 00:22:15.119
I don't know.
00:22:15.200 --> 00:22:20.799
I think you know, as you get older, as your kids get older, you know, you share some power in that relationship, right?
00:22:20.960 --> 00:22:23.839
Like again, with a with an infant, you're you're in control.
00:22:23.920 --> 00:22:30.880
They're not gonna, yeah, you know, they don't have independent will and a and mind of their own, but as they get older, they do, and you want them to.
00:22:31.359 --> 00:22:31.680
Right.
00:22:31.759 --> 00:22:43.759
And so you really do, we've talked about this in a previous podcast that you really do have to learn to to share that power in order to prepare them for adulthood, which means you you don't get to have all the power.
00:22:44.160 --> 00:22:44.319
Yeah.
00:22:44.480 --> 00:22:45.119
And that's hard.
00:22:45.279 --> 00:22:45.759
Yeah, right.
00:22:45.839 --> 00:22:46.240
That's hard.
00:22:46.480 --> 00:22:48.960
I don't think I was ever scared to admit mistakes with my kids.
00:22:49.039 --> 00:22:52.640
I think we had a high level of respect for each other and a high level of trust in each other.
00:22:52.720 --> 00:23:00.480
Even when they made mistakes and I made mistakes, I think our ability to have conversation at any age they had, I think that that prevented a lot of fear for me and my kids.
00:23:00.720 --> 00:23:09.440
I think I don't share that, Josh, but I would say my husband struggles with that because he kind of grew up where it was my par his parents said, like it's this way, no room for discussion.
00:23:09.599 --> 00:23:16.480
And so it's hard for him at times to allow some wiggle room there, and not necessarily because he doesn't want to, because he's actually grown a lot on that.
00:23:16.640 --> 00:23:21.440
I think just because that was what was modeled for him as a kid is that the adult has all the power always.
00:23:21.599 --> 00:23:28.079
So you know, the hard thing is that none of us were taught how to be parents except through the way we were parented, right?
00:23:28.240 --> 00:23:32.240
So you have to you have to go to class and take a test to learn how to drive a car.
00:23:32.400 --> 00:23:34.640
You don't have to do any of that to be a parent, right?
00:23:34.880 --> 00:23:42.240
And and so you're learning on the fly as you go, and then when you think you know it all and decide to have a second child, well, guess what?
00:23:42.319 --> 00:23:44.079
They're they're not a lot like the first child.
00:23:44.160 --> 00:23:48.960
So now you have to learn again, you know, and you repeat that with each individual child.
00:23:49.039 --> 00:23:51.599
And so we're not infallible, no, right?
00:23:51.680 --> 00:23:55.759
And we're not experts and we're not we're just by nature gonna mess it up.
00:23:55.839 --> 00:24:00.240
Some so when is it beneficial for parents to acknowledge their mistakes openly with their children?
00:24:00.480 --> 00:24:06.480
I think when everybody's in a space to have a conversation, because sometimes when you make a mistake, it creates a heated environment.
00:24:06.720 --> 00:24:10.160
Whether that's you being hot or your kids being mad and the doors have been slammed.
00:24:10.240 --> 00:24:14.079
I think there's a time to get everybody back together once things have calmed down.
00:24:14.160 --> 00:24:17.519
Uh, because first you have to calm down to probably admit that you messed up.
00:24:17.599 --> 00:24:18.720
Sometimes it is pretty instant.
00:24:19.039 --> 00:24:21.519
You instantly have this regret about dang it, I shouldn't have said that.
00:24:21.680 --> 00:24:26.240
You know, but I think it's it's the the best time is when you're in a position where everybody can talk and be calm.
00:24:26.400 --> 00:24:27.279
You know, I love that, Sam.
00:24:27.519 --> 00:24:35.519
I also love kind of I what I would say is even what you just brought up, that like you can recognize that they're older and that you went back and told them.
00:24:35.680 --> 00:24:41.519
I think I've had conversations with my parents now where they openly admitted some mistakes, but growing up they never had.
00:24:41.680 --> 00:24:43.839
And so it healed some pieces of me.
00:24:43.920 --> 00:24:53.839
And so I think that you it's never too late to do that because I'm, you know, 36, and when both my parents told me at different points, um, it healed something in me and for our relationship.
00:24:54.000 --> 00:24:56.559
So I think that that's powerful that you can do it even now.
00:24:56.960 --> 00:24:58.880
Also, kids don't have the full picture, right?
00:24:59.039 --> 00:25:01.920
And at the time, sometimes the parents can't say the full picture, right?
00:25:02.079 --> 00:25:09.920
Maybe as an adult, I can tell this kid what happened between them and a teacher, why I had to take the teacher side in this instance, even if I thought the teacher was out of line, right?
00:25:10.079 --> 00:25:12.000
They they don't have the experience to know.
00:25:12.160 --> 00:25:14.319
But as an adult, maybe they could understand it better.
00:25:14.400 --> 00:25:15.839
Or at the time you couldn't tell them.
00:25:16.000 --> 00:25:17.200
Does that make sense what I'm saying?
00:25:17.519 --> 00:25:20.160
Yeah, yeah, because it's not all about us yelling at kids or us.
00:25:20.240 --> 00:25:21.440
Sometimes it's a life decision.
00:25:21.680 --> 00:25:24.000
Sam, why dad, why don't we move to Boys Ranch?
00:25:24.319 --> 00:25:25.200
Why do we have to do that?
00:25:25.359 --> 00:25:26.720
Why do we have to leave our whole family?
00:25:26.799 --> 00:25:27.039
Right?
00:25:27.119 --> 00:25:30.720
That's that's a thing of guilt for some of us that come work here in a place like this.
00:25:31.119 --> 00:25:32.160
We leave 12 hours away.
00:25:32.240 --> 00:25:34.319
Well, that's where I came from, 12 hours away from home.
00:25:34.480 --> 00:25:37.200
All our family's gone, and now I gotta live with right.
00:25:37.279 --> 00:25:40.720
My kids don't know their family as well as I didn't when I was a kid, right?
00:25:40.799 --> 00:25:47.039
So I by my decision, I take something away from them that they that could have been good for them to have some good in a different capacity, right?
00:25:47.200 --> 00:25:47.440
Right?
00:25:47.599 --> 00:25:49.039
We have to be okay with that stuff.
00:25:49.119 --> 00:25:53.599
And now I I can have those conversations with my kids because at eight and six years old, they couldn't understand that.
00:25:53.680 --> 00:26:01.119
All they know is that they had some loss and some pain, which I had to, but I also think I could say to them today, hey, this is why mom and dad had to do this.
00:26:01.200 --> 00:26:02.559
We had to answer the better of our family.
00:26:02.720 --> 00:26:02.880
Right.
00:26:03.119 --> 00:26:07.440
So, how can parents apologize in ways that build trust and model humility for their kids?
00:26:07.599 --> 00:26:09.680
It's not easy to apologize to our kids, is it?
00:26:09.920 --> 00:26:14.559
You know, when when you're a kid, you look at adults and think that they have all the answers, right?
00:26:14.720 --> 00:26:18.000
They're in charge, so they must have the answers and they must do it right.
00:26:18.160 --> 00:26:23.599
And so that puts a lot of pressure on them to grow up and be perfect too, and when that's not true, right?
00:26:23.680 --> 00:26:33.920
We know as adults that none of us are perfect, but I think that when we acknowledge what we've done wrong and apologize, but but also say, I'm willing to do better, I want to do better.
00:26:34.319 --> 00:26:37.599
That models exactly what we want for them to learn, right?
00:26:37.839 --> 00:26:43.440
I'm humble enough to admit that I've made a mistake, and I think that that builds a foundation of trust between us.
00:26:43.759 --> 00:26:48.640
I think too, you know, I mean, mine are really young for this, but I still try and somewhat ask them.
00:26:48.720 --> 00:26:50.640
But I use it a lot with our kids at ranch.
00:26:50.799 --> 00:26:53.359
So what do you need from me for that not to happen again?
00:26:53.440 --> 00:26:56.559
Or what in that moment, if this happens again, what is helpful?
00:26:56.720 --> 00:26:58.400
And a lot of times they're like, I don't know.
00:26:58.480 --> 00:27:01.440
But it all end with, well, if you do think about it, can you let me know?
00:27:01.599 --> 00:27:02.000
Use that.
00:27:02.079 --> 00:27:09.680
So that away, because sometimes they can go back and process it and then come back and give you, hey, next time, can you just let me walk the loop a couple of times and then come and get me?
00:27:09.839 --> 00:27:15.599
So you just giving them some of that power of what could I do differently as well is is powerful for them.
00:27:15.839 --> 00:27:17.039
Well, thank you for joining us today.
00:27:17.119 --> 00:27:23.119
And if you've not already followed and subscribed to this podcast and given us a five-star hour review, I want to say, I forgive you.
00:27:23.519 --> 00:27:26.400
But I would love to give you the opportunity for a redo.
00:27:26.480 --> 00:27:27.680
So go ahead and just do it.
00:27:27.839 --> 00:27:30.559
As always, remember, you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today.
00:27:30.720 --> 00:27:32.319
Just make sure you get them back.
00:27:32.720 --> 00:27:35.440
Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting.
00:27:35.599 --> 00:27:37.119
We hope you enjoyed this show.
00:27:37.279 --> 00:27:51.599
If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarly.org.
00:27:51.759 --> 00:27:56.799
You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's.
00:27:56.960 --> 00:27:59.839
Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.