How To Navigate Difficult Emotions Without Becoming Numb To Them

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So what's going on?
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I just want to welcome y'all to another episode of the Black Men Embracing Feelings podcast.
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And for this particular episode, what I want to do here, and I also start to do is provide more practical tools that can assist in helping us men manage and navigate difficult emotions.
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And one of the therapeutic approaches that I want to talk about in this particular episode is called the acceptance commitment therapy approach.
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And the uniqueness of this particular therapeutic intervention or approach is that it focuses a lot more of within the name of it, just being able to accept, right?
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Being able to sit with difficult emotions, being able to be mindful.
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Because in order to be able to manage and navigate difficult emotions, we first have to be aware of them, right?
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We first have to be able to sit with them, not to fight it, not to wrestle with it, not to attach anything to it outside of just saying, like, hey, this is anger that I'm experiencing, right?
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Or this is frustration that I'm experiencing without labeling it as anything, without labeling it as negative, positive, or anything like that.
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It's being able to say, I'm experiencing anxiety right now in this moment.
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I'm anxious.
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Just call it out.
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Name it.
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And it kind of and it goes back to say it's hard to hear what we don't reveal.
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It's hard to move past something that we're not willing to name, right?
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It's hard to even provide a strategy around something that we're not willing to face.
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So go over some of the core principles of acceptance and commitment therapy.
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Um, the first one being acceptance, right?
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Kind of what we just mentioned is being able to sit with and accept the reality that this is something that I'm experiencing.
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And this is key because again, a lot of us men, we don't want to acknowledge and admit that this is something that we're experiencing or this is what it is, right?
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I don't want to acknowledge and admit that I'm afraid.
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Let's keep it above, let's keep it real.
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I don't want to acknowledge and admit that this next move that I'm about to make brings about anxiety.
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Why?
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Because I'm gonna look like a punk if I say that.
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I want to be caught scared, right?
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Like, yeah, what's your confidence that?
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You ain't a man.
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Like, how like what are you afraid of?
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Just do it.
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And that's also something that people do too.
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It's like when I say something in regards to like, yo, man, like I ain't gonna lie, man.
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This is this is I'm afraid of this.
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It's like, yo, man, what you gotta be afraid of?
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It's like, that's not what I'm looking for, though.
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I'm looking for somebody to sit with me in this moment and to recognize that with me, provide space for me to just work out my thoughts, right?
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To work out my feelings, to just let me explain myself, right?
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Let me, you know, validate this experience.
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Like, but the minute somebody says, yo, don't be afraid of that, man, you're invalidating what I'm experiencing as if I shouldn't feel it.
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But our emotions are real.
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Don't invalidate this.
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And again, this is where that therapeutic space comes into play.
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And it's so important.
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I encourage you, you know, to seek out a therapist.
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It is not a therapist, somebody that is able to navigate and see you and sit with you, right?
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And not just try to move you past these things so quickly, right?
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That that's that's harmful and that's not giving you the proper time, right, to really sit with yourself, view yourself, analyze yourself.
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And this acceptance commitment therapy, therapeutic approach allows for that to take place, right?
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For us to just accept that, yo, I'm afraid or be happy.
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And how many, how often do we rob ourselves of the opportunity to experience happy emotions?
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How often do we rob ourselves of the opportunity and the time, right, to just sit with the fact, like, yo, I just got this job.
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But no, what we do is I just got this job, now I gotta prepare for this, now I gotta plan for that.
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And I recall when my therapist sat with me and he pretty much laid it out as well.
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And I was just like, yo, I just got this new job.
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I don't know what to do with it.
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I'm anxious about it.
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And he's like, Joe, have you done this job before?
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And I'm like, no.
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So what are you preparing for?
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I'm like, I don't know.
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He's like, that's the point.
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Like, just be present.
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Be present.
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When that opportunity and those moments come for you to learn something, you learn something.
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When that failure moment or moment, but you missed the mark comes, you miss the mark.
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Learn from that.
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Allow those things to come up, right?
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But don't go into overprotection mode and all of that kind of stuff because you're robbing yourself of the moment to just sit and be like, yo, be happy that you got the job.
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It's okay to sit with a happy emotion without having to flood it with other negativity.
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Acceptance and commitment therapy helps us just sit with what we're experiencing, what we're feeling.
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Another core principle of it is cognitive diffusion.
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And that's helping us step back from what it is that we're experiencing to just observe it.
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Like your thoughts are thoughts, right?
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Your emotions are emotions.
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Don't attach anything to it.
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Just look at it, view it as that.
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So, for example, you know, say like this is the feeling or emotion of anger.
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Let it be anger.
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Don't associate anger with negativity and aggression and all of those types of things.
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We're cognitively diffusing, removing, depersonalizing as well, right?
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What comes with those labels that we place on it.
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So anger is anger.
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I'm angry.
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That's my experience.
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That's what I'm feeling.
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Now, what we do in that makes the difference.
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And that's where that awareness comes into play.
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And that's where that other principle of the next principle of, you know, just being present, right, comes into play.
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Just helping us stay aware of what we're experiencing, how we attach.
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I can't say I'm afraid because what we attached to afraid is, you know, I'm less than, I'm incompetent, I don't, I don't have the capabilities, I don't have the skills.
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So we're afraid to say that we're afraid because what we attach to the word or to the words of fear and being afraid.
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But when we start to just see afraid, it's just, I'm afraid.
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That's a natural emotion.
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When I'm about to experience something that I never experienced before, and I'm concerned about, you know, the negative results that may come.
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That strikes up fear in me, you know, not knowing what will come.
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That's anxiety, right?
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That's anxiousness.
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And then there's fear with it, right?
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And just letting that just exist.
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And when we're present with that, we're able to be aware and right, and it don't pass judgment.
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And again, like we pass judgment on us being afraid.
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We can't do that.
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Well, I don't say we can't, right?
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Be mindful of doing that and what comes with that.
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And that's where our awareness comes into play.
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And again, our awareness brings data, right?
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And our data helps us make informed decisions.
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So when we say I'm afraid and we attach negative emotions to it, observe what that does to us.
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We want to be able to just say I'm afraid and then letting that word be the word, letting that word be the experience.
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So we can name what it is that we're feeling.
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And once we name it, right, we acknowledge it, we give respect to it, then we can make informed decisions.
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And then the next one is we don't look at ourselves as context, right?
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Developing a perspective of ourselves separate from our thoughts, separate from that.
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It's just like, hey, this is just me experiencing these things, right?
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Like I, I, I am experiencing these things, right?
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Like I am not fear.
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We want to depersonalize, separate that.
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I am not weakness, I am not anxiety, but it's an experience, it's an experience that I'm having, right?
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It's a feeling that I'm experiencing.
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But I myself am not anxiousness, right?
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I am not an anxious person.
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That's a label, right?
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Again, we don't want to label things.
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We just want to observe it, say what it is.
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But then the last or one of the last principles is values.
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So after we name it, after we recognize it, after we observe ourselves, we'll spile still maintaining the authenticity of us, then we start to make value-based decisions.
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We want to identify what do we value, what truly matters, right?
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Despite the fear, what truly matters?
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What do we prioritize in us?
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Maintaining an understanding of that within us so that we can move towards making value-based decisions in spite of what we're feeling.
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I'm angry and then upset at you, but because I value this relationship, despite my anger, or even in my anger, I will still speak to you with respect.
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But I can still let you know that what you said and what you did, you know, makes me upset.
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It's disappointing.
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Right?
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It broke my heart.
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It hurts.
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But I'm still able to make value-based decisions.
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And then the last part of it, which goes in the name, is the committed action.
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How am I making value-based decisions that's helping me become the man, right, that I'm striving to be?
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Who is that man that you're becoming?
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What will that man that you're becoming choose to do in this particular situation to help you make a value-based decision as you experience the emotions that's difficult to manage?
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That's difficult to accept.
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How will the man that I'm becoming, the father that I want to be, the husband that I want to be, the brother, the friend that I want to be, handle a difficult situation where I feel betrayed, I feel hurt, right?
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What would that man do?
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And how will that man appreciate these actions that I'm taking now?
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What am I committed to doing?
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And it's commitments over feelings.
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Yes, I feel this way, but I'm committed to still loving you, right?
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I'm committed to still showing up.
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But that's not to say ignore the impact.
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We're still going to deal with, right, and address these behaviors for sure, right?
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But I'm still staying committed to the things that I'm striving for, right?
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The values that I'm upholding myself to.
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So in work, when we come across those situations where the boss gets on our nerves or that coworker is just not listening, that upsets me, right?
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I'm gonna allow myself to feel that and I'm gonna pay attention and be mindful of how anger, right, causes my blood to boil, as they say, causes me to ball up my fists, as they say, causes me to want to say some harmful cuss words and things of that nature, throw things, right?
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But as I'm aware of that, then I have that moment to actually pause and say, what is that value-based decision that I want to make, even in the midst of my anger?
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And I'll use this analogy again of the car situation, right?
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Like you, the goal, ultimate goal is to be able to in life keep two hands on your will, if not one, right?
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But at least keep two hands on your will.
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And in your vehicle, you're allowing yourself to hear and experience anger, joy, frustration, sadness, right?
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But in the midst of all of these emotions, as you witness them, as you experience them, as you accept their existence in your life, right, we're still making value-based decisions to keep two hands on the wheel and allow ourselves to navigate our life the way that we desire for it to be navigated and not be emotionally hijacked.
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Because again, when anger takes the wheel, it's gonna cause us to go 100 miles per hour in a 20 mile per hour zone, swerve, hit a tree, hit a car, right?
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And then at that moment, anger is gonna hop out because at that moment we blacked out, right?
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But then our right mind, right, gets back into the driver's seat.
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Now we have to answer for everything that took place because we allowed anger to take the wheel.
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We allow sadness to take the wheel.
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And again, it's not to say don't feel these things, don't experience these things.
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It's just saying, hey, yes, the loss of my loved one, I'm sad.
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I'm not happy right now, I'm sad.
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And if this sadness contributes to me crying, I'm gonna accept that and allow that to take place.
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It's okay to sit with our emotions.
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It's okay to allow our emotions to exist.
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We don't have to run from our emotions, right?
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They're a natural part of life.
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But the more that we avoid our emotions or deny its existence, right, the more the more susceptible we become to being emotionally hijacked and out of control, out of balance.
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So one tool that is helpful in this is called uh it's an acronym called RAIN.
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And the R in RAIN stands for recognize, right?
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Just recognize what's taking place, recognize what you're experiencing, right?
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Recognize what's going on, right?
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Stay alert, stay aware.
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And then that A stands for acceptance.
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Just accept.
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Be able to accept, right?
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What's happening?
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I'm accepting that as I'm recognizing what's going on, paying attention to my body, I'm accepting that anger exists.
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I'm accepting that hurt exists, I'm accepting that disappointment exists.
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These these difficult, negative, these difficult emotions, challenging emotions to sit with, they exist.
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So we got the R, R is recognized, A is to accept.
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Now let me investigate.
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That's I.
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What's going on?
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What's contributing to that?
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Why am I feeling this way?
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What just took place?
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What happened?
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What triggered this?
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And then after we investigate that, we want to nurture it.
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How do we speak life into it?
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How do we remind ourselves like, hey, is it understandable for you to feel upset?
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It's understandable for you to feel disappointed.
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It's understandable for you to believe that you've been let down, right?
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After you tried hard or time and time again to put yourself out there, right?
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It's understandable.
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But let me speak to that, let me nurture that.
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Let me remind myself who I am, right?
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Let me remind myself of my values.
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I remind myself of the things that I still have so that these negative emotions don't win and that they don't become us, they don't define us, that we don't start to, you know, personalize them.
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Again, we want to cognitively diffuse, right, all of the other associations that we have with this so we don't run from it.
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We recognize it.
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I don't want to run from saying that I'm afraid anymore.
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Because when I run from saying I'm afraid, I present this persona, right, or this image that I have everything together.
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And then I then I don't allow myself to get the help that I need.
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And that's not fair to myself, that's not fair to you, and that's not fair to those that are counting on you to be the best version of you, to be the leader, right?
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Because it's misleading if the leader is presenting themselves as if they're perfect, they have all the answers, they're doing the work, they're doing the research, they're analyzing everything, and we're not.
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Why?
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Because we're afraid to say that we don't know.
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Let's diffuse, right?
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Separate ourselves from saying that, saying that we're afraid is weakness.
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Asking for help is weakness.
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Let's remove ourselves from that and remember who we are, right?
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Identify the values in you, identify the positives in you, identify those things in you, and they exist.
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So when it comes time to those difficult emotions, they don't hijack us, right?
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And win.
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So we no longer have to feel or think or believe that we have to have like this two-faced split personality navigating through hoops in each and every encounter that we have with somebody.
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We can show up our full, authentic, vulnerable self, all of our emotions.
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Again, we're in this vehicle with all of these experiences, all of these feelings, but now we have the ability to name them, to label, or to name them, not label them, but just to name them, right?
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Identify them, but still be able to choose how to respond to them in the way that's aligned with our values and align with the man that we're becoming.
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And this is where that workbook, the man that you're becoming, right, is so important for us to be able to sit down and reflect, right, on ourselves, check in with ourselves and ask ourselves how we're doing, right?
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Asking ourselves what we're still healing from, right?
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Giving ourselves that love, that care, that attention that we need, checking in with ourselves so that we can get so that we can be the best man that we can be.
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So that when it comes down from us coming from work, right, and then going home, we've had that opportunity to sit in the car and identify what's going on so that when we come into the house with our loved ones, we're not carrying all of that and projecting.
00:17:41.680 --> 00:17:44.960
We're being able to communicate and they're asked, hey, how was your day?
00:17:45.200 --> 00:17:47.359
My day was rough, my day was difficult.
00:17:47.599 --> 00:17:59.920
This took place, but I'm still able to come in here with a loving heart or acknowledge these things and ask you and ask you, you know, so that you can help provide me with the things that I need.
00:18:00.079 --> 00:18:00.960
That, hey, I need a hug.
00:18:01.039 --> 00:18:01.839
Today was hard.
00:18:02.000 --> 00:18:04.079
Or I just need a minute, right?
00:18:04.160 --> 00:18:05.200
Before I get in here.
00:18:05.359 --> 00:18:12.880
Or, you know, baby, this smile, this love, your attention, all of that is so meaningful for me at this moment because I just had a hard day.
00:18:13.119 --> 00:18:21.519
But if we don't allow ourselves to sit and accept these difficult emotions while also making that commitment to ourselves and implementing this rain acronym.
00:18:21.599 --> 00:18:28.000
And again, that's to be able to recognize, accept, investigate, and then nurture, right?
00:18:28.079 --> 00:18:31.279
You know, these emotions, then it'll be hard for us to show up.
00:18:31.440 --> 00:18:33.920
And that's not, again, that's not fair to ourselves.
00:18:34.079 --> 00:18:35.599
That's not fair to our loved ones.
00:18:35.920 --> 00:18:40.799
But they're asking for and expecting all of us to show up.
00:18:41.039 --> 00:18:52.000
And forgive me, in it, I just got to the end of this, and I do want to make that correction that the A and Ring, it's not acceptance, it's allowed more specifically, right?
00:18:52.160 --> 00:18:54.319
Um, which is the principle of acceptance.
00:18:54.480 --> 00:18:57.119
We want to allow the emotions to exist.
00:18:57.279 --> 00:18:58.720
We don't want to ignore them.
00:18:58.880 --> 00:19:05.200
We give them permission to exist, right, in our space, in the space that we're in, right?
00:19:05.359 --> 00:19:07.200
So that we can investigate them.
00:19:07.359 --> 00:19:14.880
But if we keep pushing them away and we don't accept its existence, right, then we're not able to make those value-based decisions.
00:19:15.039 --> 00:19:16.480
And then we're lying to ourselves.
00:19:16.640 --> 00:19:20.079
We're prevent, we're presenting a false sense of self, which is not fair.
00:19:20.240 --> 00:19:25.680
So again, this recognize, allow, investigate, and then nurture.
00:19:25.839 --> 00:19:26.160
All right.
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I hope this was helpful.
00:19:27.279 --> 00:19:28.559
Again, my apologies for the error.
00:19:28.640 --> 00:19:29.920
Um, but y'all be blessed.
00:19:30.319 --> 00:19:37.839
You know, leave a comment, follow me on Instagram, social media, and as well, purchase the book, The Man That You're Becoming, which is out there on Amazon.
00:19:38.000 --> 00:19:38.960
Appreciate you listening.
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Y'all be blessed, and we'll talk soon.