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For years, I thought the answer to my binge eating was somewhere out there.
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A better plan, more willpower, the right rule to finally follow.
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But it wasn't any of those things.
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Today I'm walking you through the five things that actually changed my relationship with food.
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The shifts that took me from feeling out of control to feeling calm and connected.
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None of them are quick fixes, but all of them are things you can start practicing today.
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Welcome to Binge Eating Breakthrough, the podcast to help you stop feeling out of control around food and build trust with your body.
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If you've tried everything but still feel stuck, you're not alone.
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I've been there too.
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I'm Jane Pilger, and I'm here to help you see binge eating in a new way so you can finally break free.
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Each week you'll get the tools and insights to create peace with food and your body.
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Your breakthrough starts now.
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Hello, trusted listener.
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I consider you a trusted listener because I trust that you're here today because you're ready to look at your own relationship with food a little more closely.
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Even the parts that feel messy and maybe you'd rather not look at.
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I trust that you're willing to hear what actually helped me.
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Not because it's a formula, because it might spark something for you.
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So the other night I was talking with my husband Todd, and we were talking about just how far I've come with food and how much has changed over the years.
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And he asked me a question.
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He said, What actually changed it for you?
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And I had to think about this for a while, because if you had asked me 10 years ago, I would have told you it was finding the right way of eating, or getting myself under control, or finally finding the magic formula that told me exactly what to eat and how much to match whatever I was doing for exercise.
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I would have pointed to something outside of me, a plan, a formula, somebody else who could just tell me what to do.
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But when I really think about what changed my relationship with food, none of it was a strategy.
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It was five shifts, five things I had to learn, mostly the hard way, that had almost nothing to do with food itself.
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So a few of these things are going to sound familiar if you know my book, The Binge Eating Breakthrough, and the four pillars that I wrote about there.
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Now, I've talked a little bit about this over the last couple of episodes.
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So if you have listened to those episodes or you've read the book, you know that I have four pillars that I talk about to create peace with food.
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And those pillars are clarity, connection, compassion, and confidence.
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And today is not a repeat of that framework.
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The book is the map.
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It's the structured version I built after the fact, once I had lived enough of this journey to see the shape of it and put it in an order that made sense on paper.
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But today's different.
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Today is it's it's unpolished.
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And it's these five things.
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When I look back, these five things really change my relationship with food.
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And I'm going to give you specific examples for each one.
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And there are two of them that never made it into the books pillars at all: curiosity and courage.
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So I want to walk you through all five of these things in the order that they actually happened for me.
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And some of them are going to sound really simple, but they weren't simple to live.
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But if I can name them and just describe them to you, you might start to notice which one of these you are in right now.
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So five things that changed my relationship with food.
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If you have been following me for any length of time, you will not be surprised at all that number one is awareness.
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The first thing that had to happen for me to change my relationship with food was awareness.
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And for so long, I didn't have any awareness.
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So I can remember this pattern.
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Gosh, I was probably in my 30s, maybe even in my 20s.
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I was working in commercial real estate and I would go to these luncheons on a monthly basis.
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They're these, the kind of luncheon where they have the big round tables where the dessert is already sitting there at the top of your place setting before you've even received your lunch.
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And I would sit down and I would see that dessert and I would tell myself, I am not going to eat it.
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And then I would watch what everybody else at the table did.
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And let's say the woman next to me had a bite of her dessert.
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Then I would reason, well, it's okay for me to have a few bites too.
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No, I rarely, maybe once or twice, but rarely ate the whole thing in front of people.
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Of course, I did not want anybody to see that.
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I was just sure everybody was watching me and what I was eating because I was doing that to everybody else at my table.
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Then I would leave the luncheon and I would decide that I had already blown it because I ate two or three or four bites of this dessert that I said I was going to have zero of.
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And I would head straight to a convenience store to buy some candy.
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But that store was never the end of the journey.
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It was the first stop.
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From there, I would drive to a bakery.
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And then somewhere after that, too, maybe the grocery store, maybe another convenience store.
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And I would buy just enough at each place that no single cashier would ever know just how much food I was actually buying.
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A little there, a little here, stop after stop.
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I would go until I had put together and eaten more food than I would ever let any single person see me buy on one trip.
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And then, of course, I had to throw away all of the wrappers and all of the evidence at another gas station before I made it home so that my husband would not see everything that I had eaten while I was driving around.
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And this would be hours.
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But here's what I know now.
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I had almost no awareness of that pattern while it was happening.
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And I don't just mean the eating itself.
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I mean the whole chain of stops that took place.
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I wasn't standing at that table as I left that luncheon thinking, I'm about to start a chain of events.
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I wasn't even aware driving from the convenience store to the bakery that I was making a decision at all.
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It felt like one continuous pull, not a series of choices that I was making one at a time.
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And it's only looking back now that I can see each stop had its own little sentence attached to it, its own bit of permission that I gave myself to keep going to the next place.
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In the moment, it never felt like a string of decisions.
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It felt like one big binge that was simply happening to me.
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It just took over.
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And now I understand it was a chain of smaller decisions, each one making the next one a little bit easier to justify.
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And then I would come to on the other side of it, sitting in my car surrounded by rappers, wondering what just happened and how I had ended up there.
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And at the time, I didn't have a name for this.
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I couldn't have told you it was a pattern, let alone what was underneath it.
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It just felt like something that happened to me over and over without my permission.
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And this is what I think of as clarity.
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But back then, it wasn't clarity yet.
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It was just the flicker of noticing.
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Awareness was the first thing that had to change.
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You cannot change something you can't see.
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So for me, it started small, noticing the moment that I started watching other people's plates instead of my own.
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Noticing the story I told myself the second I decided I had already blown it.
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The exact sentence in my head that gave me permission to keep going.
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I wasn't even trying to stop anything yet.
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I was just trying to see it, to understand what was happening in my mind, in my body in those moments when it felt like I was just on autopilot.
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So this is different than fixing it, but it has to come first.
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Awareness always comes first.
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So that is the number one thing that changed my relationship with food awareness.
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Number two, connection.
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So there's this piece that I want to focus on today that I is the tool that I use the most almost every single day.
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And I want to talk through this in detail because it's it is simple, but it's powerful.
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So for most of my life, I had no idea what hunger actually felt like in my body, or even what fullness felt like.
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I either ate on a schedule, I ate because it was noon, because everyone else at the table was eating, or because this is the whatever plan I was on told me this is how much to eat.
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My body had signals, but I had spent so many years ignoring them and just I literally stopped listening to them.
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I didn't even know that they were still there.
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So a tool that is so powerful and so simple that very much is helpful with the idea of connecting is something called the three powerful questions.
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And I've shared it on the podcast before, but it's been a while since I've shared it.
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So here's the three powerful questions.
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What do I notice?
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What do I need?
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And what's next?
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And I know that this can sound almost too simple to matter, especially the first time that you hear them.
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But your brain will go to work to answer whatever question you ask it.
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And most of us have simply not asked our bodies these questions before.
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We're used to telling our bodies what to do, not asking them what they need.
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So, what do I notice?
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Starts with a scan.
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You can scan, quick body scan, you can scan from head to toe.
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You can start at your toes, go up to your head.
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No judgment attached to what you find.
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You might find some tension behind the eyes.
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You might find a tight jaw.
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You might find a flutter in your stomach that could be hunger.
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It could be nerves.
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What do I need?
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Is the next question.
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And the honest answer, especially at first, is often nothing.
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You might not even get a response when you first start asking this question because your body isn't used to being asked and it doesn't yet trust that you'll actually listen to the answer.
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This is normal.
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Keep asking anyway.
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And the third question, what's next?
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It's where you respond in some small way to what you noticed and what you identified that you need.
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I use these three powerful questions constantly with myself and inside cultivate.
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We almost we open many of our cultivate group calls with the three powerful questions.
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And I have the group answer what's next for two different windows.
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What's next for this hour that we're together?
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And what's next after the call ends?
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So you can imagine, you picture it.
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I do this for my life too.
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So on Tuesday, I eat lunch right after our cultivate calls.
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And more often than not, while I'm in these calls, I picture myself eating lunch and how I want to feel in the minutes after lunch, before I've even taken a single bite.
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And the visualization might sound small, but the brain doesn't know the difference between imagining something and living it.
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So picturing myself eating in a way that feels nurturing actually helps me get there.
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But connection is not only internal.
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That's what we're talking about here with the three powerful questions.
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But I don't want to skip over the fact that connection with other people is really important as well.
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And for so long, I kept my all of my food stuff hidden because it felt like the only way to manage it, the only way to control what other people knew or what they thought.
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So I did not talk about it.
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Not with friends, not with Todd, not with anyone.
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Everything I was doing stayed in the car, in the pantry, in the trash can at the convenience store on the way home.
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These moments I made sure that nobody else ever saw.
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And learning to actually talk to Todd about the struggle itself and the things that I had been keeping secret for years was its own kind of connection.
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And it actually turned out to be one of the biggest parts of this whole shift.
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I used to think I had to build connection with myself first, quietly on my own.
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Then maybe eventually I could let someone else in once I had already figured it all out.
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But what actually happened was closer to the opposite.
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Connecting with him helped me connect with myself.
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Telling him what was actually going on, the real version instead of the version I was trying to control.
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Having him still be there afterwards did something that trying to do this on my own never could.
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I don't know that that ever would have been possible without being on the receding end of some compassion and connection and curiosity.
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And none of this connection happened instantly.
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It took months of checking in, noticing what was happening without rushing to fix it or override it or make it go away.
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And it took just as long or longer to let another person in on what was actually happening for me.
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And slowly I started to trust it was safe to slow down long enough to notice in the first place, both on my own and with someone else in the room.
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And that's what connection actually is.
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It's the same questions asked again and again to yourself and out loud to someone else until both believe you're actually listening.
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So number one, awareness.
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Number two, connection.
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Number three, compassion.
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The third thing was compassion.
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And this was the hardest one for me by far.
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So I used to sit in my car after a binge saying things to myself I would never say to a friend.
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And what actually helped me stop doing that is a tool.
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So it's a tool more than a story.
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So I'm gonna give it to you.
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And if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you have heard me ask this question.
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It is the single question: how does this make sense?
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This is not an excuse.
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It is a true, an honest inquiry of yourself.
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And when I finally started asking, how does this make sense instead of what is wrong with me?
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I found real answers.
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I was exhausted.
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I'd learned this exact pattern of coping decades earlier and never unlearned it.
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I'd watch other women do some version of the same thing at those luncheons for years, made it easy to file the whole pattern under normal instead of ever questioning it.
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Now, I didn't watch them drive around and eat afterwards, but I watched them question the dessert.
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Do I eat the dessert?
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Do I not eat the dessert?
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All of the questions and the drama and the attention that went to those desserts.
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So it helped me see.
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Oh, this isn't a character flaw.
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This is a strategy.
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Maybe it made sense once, even if it wasn't serving me anymore.
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I also started to be able to make sense of the times I was eating so little, where all the rules and the rigidity would lead me to the binging later on.
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I could make sense of that.
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I could see it.
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Now, here's another question that you can bring in for the compassion piece.
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What would I say to a friend or to a young person if they were sitting exactly where I am right now?
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Now, I have never once in all of these years, when I have asked this question of myself, come up with an answer that sounded anything like the way that I used to talk to myself.
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So compassion is not something that you have to manufacture.
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It's a question you can ask yourself to bring in kindness.
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It's bringing in kindness towards yourself.
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Compassion is what actually makes the understanding possible in the first place.
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Because when you're at war with yourself after every binge or every unwanted eating experience, there is no room left to actually look at what happened.
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You're too busy defending yourself or attacking yourself to get curious about anything.
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Compassion is what clears enough space for the next thing to happen.
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So we have awareness, connection, and compassion.
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Now, the fourth, it's curiosity.
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Now it's closely tied to compassion, but it is not the same thing.
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So compassion is how I started treating myself with kindness.
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That's where you can bring in what I would say to a friend, what would I say to a young person?
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Bring in that kindness.
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Once I stopped judging myself so harshly, then I could bring in curiosity to see what was actually going on.
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I could get curious about the pattern itself.
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What was I really hungry for in that moment?
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What was happening right before I felt the pull to binge, to go to the pantry, to get in the car, to drive to the store?
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What was the food actually doing for me that I couldn't get anywhere else?
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So you can see even how this brings in awareness too.
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Because if I'm stuck in shame, if I'm stuck in judgment, I can't even become aware.
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It's only through compassion, through curiosity that that awareness continues to expand even more.
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So I remember when I asked myself, like, what was really going on?
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And really through curiosity, I had just finished a stressful call.
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It was the kind that used to send me straight to the pantry without a second thought.
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And instead, I paused.
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I asked what I was actually looking for.
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The answer that came back wasn't food, it was relief.
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It was the feeling of being done, of not having to hold it all together.
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And once I could see that clearly, I had a choice.
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Because I wasn't only choosing between eating and not eating anymore.
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I was choosing how I wanted to get relief.
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Up until that point, it had always been do I eat?
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Do I not eat?
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So focused on that.
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Food.
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So I started treating my own patterns like something worth investigating instead of something to be ashamed of.
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And that shift changed how I moved through a hard day.
00:22:13.200 --> 00:22:19.680
So instead of white knuckling my way past an urge saying, don't eat, don't eat, don't eat, I would get curious about it.
00:22:19.920 --> 00:22:20.640
What is this?
00:22:20.799 --> 00:22:21.519
What's going on?
00:22:21.599 --> 00:22:23.680
What is it trying to tell me?
00:22:24.559 --> 00:22:28.559
Now, curiosity doesn't require that you have the answer right away.
00:22:28.720 --> 00:22:34.559
It just requires you to stay in the question instead of running away from it.
00:22:35.039 --> 00:22:41.680
And it's harder than it sounds, but it's really useful and helpful.
00:22:42.640 --> 00:22:44.400
All right, so we have four things so far.
00:22:44.480 --> 00:22:49.920
We have awareness, we have connection, we have compassion, we have curiosity.
00:22:50.160 --> 00:22:52.480
Number five is courage.
00:22:53.279 --> 00:22:56.319
So courage showed up in a few different ways for me.
00:22:56.559 --> 00:23:01.839
The first way was the courage to seek support in the first place.
00:23:02.720 --> 00:23:07.920
Because I remember feeling like asking for help meant that I couldn't do it on my own.
00:23:08.079 --> 00:23:09.440
I had already failed.
00:23:09.599 --> 00:23:21.119
I should have been able to figure this out on my own, if I just had enough discipline, if I just read the right book, if I just were able to do this, I should be able to do it on my own.
00:23:21.200 --> 00:23:21.759
I'm smart.
00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:23.599
Why can't I figure this out?
00:23:24.160 --> 00:23:37.440
And it took real courage to admit that I was struggling to tell someone other than myself and let them help me instead of trying to do it all on my own.
00:23:38.640 --> 00:23:46.400
And the second form of courage was the courage to keep going when things weren't moving fast enough for me.
00:23:47.119 --> 00:23:52.559
There were stretches, sometimes long ones, where it felt like nothing was changing at all.
00:23:52.720 --> 00:24:00.720
And I had to find the resilience to stay with the process anyway, instead of deciding it wasn't working and walking away.
00:24:01.279 --> 00:24:05.839
That kind of courage doesn't get talked about much because it's quiet.
00:24:07.200 --> 00:24:17.839
Nobody sees it, but it is literally showing up, willing to try again, willing to bring in more awareness, more compassion, more curiosity.
00:24:18.079 --> 00:24:19.839
Try something different.
00:24:20.160 --> 00:24:25.359
And that is the third form of courage: the courage to try something different.
00:24:25.599 --> 00:24:34.000
And to believe that something other than the pattern that I already knew was actually possible for me.
00:24:35.440 --> 00:24:40.799
So that might sound kind of like the smallest of the three, but it wasn't.
00:24:40.960 --> 00:25:01.039
It is one thing to know intellectually the change is possible, but it's another thing entirely to sit at that luncheon table with that dessert already in front of you and do something different than you've always done, trusting that the outcome might actually be different this time.
00:25:03.200 --> 00:25:05.680
Courage doesn't always look big.
00:25:05.920 --> 00:25:10.160
Sometimes it looks like sending one email to ask for help.
00:25:10.799 --> 00:25:17.920
Sometimes it looks like trying to pause before eating with no guarantee that it will work.
00:25:18.960 --> 00:25:25.759
But every one of those small moments of courage is what let the other four things actually take root.
00:25:26.079 --> 00:25:30.240
Because none of them do anything if you never act on them.
00:25:30.559 --> 00:25:32.400
So much of what we talked about last week.
00:25:33.839 --> 00:25:38.480
So here's some practical shifts you can apply for yourself.
00:25:39.279 --> 00:25:46.000
Notice one moment of automatic eating this week, a place where you just kind of eat on autopilot.
00:25:47.119 --> 00:25:48.720
We're not even trying to change it yet.
00:25:49.519 --> 00:25:51.359
Awareness has to come first.
00:25:52.079 --> 00:25:55.920
You can't skip straight to fixing what you haven't actually seen.
00:25:56.400 --> 00:25:59.039
So see what you can notice in your eating this week.
00:26:01.119 --> 00:26:04.720
Number two, try the three powerful questions before your next meal.
00:26:05.279 --> 00:26:06.160
What do I notice?
00:26:06.400 --> 00:26:07.200
What do I need?
00:26:07.519 --> 00:26:08.319
What's next?
00:26:09.680 --> 00:26:12.160
You don't even need a clear answer to any of them.
00:26:12.319 --> 00:26:14.079
Just practice asking.
00:26:16.319 --> 00:26:22.240
Number three, the next time you're hard on yourself after eating, try asking, how does this make sense?
00:26:22.480 --> 00:26:24.559
Instead of what's wrong with me.
00:26:25.680 --> 00:26:29.440
That one shift is where compassion starts to take root.
00:26:31.200 --> 00:26:38.960
Number four, get curious about one urge, one craving, one desire to eat this week instead of trying to fight it.
00:26:39.599 --> 00:26:42.720
Ask, what might it actually be after?
00:26:44.160 --> 00:26:45.920
You don't even need the full answer.
00:26:46.079 --> 00:26:48.000
Just ask the question.
00:26:50.240 --> 00:26:55.680
Number five, notice where you have been avoiding asking for help.
00:26:56.319 --> 00:27:03.759
Maybe it's a conversation, maybe it's a call, maybe it's admitting out loud to someone that you are struggling.
00:27:04.559 --> 00:27:08.640
Naming it is often the most courageous part of the whole thing.
00:27:08.799 --> 00:27:12.640
And it's where you can start to get the support that you need.
00:27:14.480 --> 00:27:19.440
So I invite you to pick one of these five words and let it be your focus for this week.
00:27:19.599 --> 00:27:20.720
Not all five.
00:27:20.880 --> 00:27:22.799
That's not how change works.
00:27:23.119 --> 00:27:29.039
Awareness, connection, compassion, curiosity, or courage.
00:27:29.359 --> 00:27:34.079
And see what you notice when you give it your full attention.
00:27:35.759 --> 00:27:50.720
So actually, as I am recording this episode, I this afternoon, before I recorded this episode, I went to a lunch meeting for an organization that I founded almost 20 years ago.
00:27:50.960 --> 00:28:02.960
And I've been going to these meetings over the past 20 years, and I have lost count of how many of them I have left and gone straight into a bench.
00:28:03.759 --> 00:28:06.960
There were these lemon cookies out at the end of the meeting today.
00:28:07.119 --> 00:28:12.319
And the old version of me would have said, Oh, I'll take one home for Todd.
00:28:12.640 --> 00:28:20.960
Then I would have eaten it alone in the car as I was driving to the next place to get more food.
00:28:21.039 --> 00:28:24.559
And I would be making sure that nobody could see me eating.
00:28:24.880 --> 00:28:36.720
But today, I grabbed one of those cookies and I ate it walking out the door in front of everyone without a second thought about who saw me.
00:28:37.200 --> 00:28:44.640
And I was tasting and enjoying that cookie, the lemon, the texture, all of it.
00:28:45.599 --> 00:28:47.279
And then I went home.
00:28:47.519 --> 00:28:55.519
There was no pull to eat more, no urge to restrict, no desire to go stop five other places.
00:28:56.160 --> 00:28:57.759
But here's what I did notice.
00:28:58.000 --> 00:28:59.599
I was tired.
00:29:00.559 --> 00:29:06.400
And the old version of me, well, the really old version of me wouldn't even notice that I was tired.
00:29:07.599 --> 00:29:20.319
An older version of me would have pushed through it or used food for a quick hit of energy or a reason to avoid going back to the rest of my day.
00:29:21.039 --> 00:29:32.799
But what I did today, I noticed I was tired and I took a, I laid down for a 10-minute nap and I woke up refreshed, ready to record this podcast episode.
00:29:34.000 --> 00:29:39.680
Such a different experience than what I have experienced in the past.
00:29:40.400 --> 00:29:46.240
And it felt easy, but that kind of ease didn't show up overnight.
00:29:47.680 --> 00:29:51.119
Now, none of these five things happened in a straight line.
00:29:51.200 --> 00:29:55.119
It's not like I went from awareness straight into connection into the next one.
00:29:55.359 --> 00:29:57.759
No, that's not how it works.
00:29:58.400 --> 00:30:04.960
But the five components are awareness, connection, compassion, curiosity, and courage.
00:30:06.000 --> 00:30:11.119
And some weeks, as you are on this journey, you will be standing more in one than another.
00:30:11.279 --> 00:30:12.799
It's how this works.
00:30:14.960 --> 00:30:25.279
So if you are finding that you can't quite get past awareness on your own, you're struggling maybe with connection, with the compassion piece, or even the awareness.
00:30:25.440 --> 00:30:28.720
Like, I don't even know what my patterns are.
00:30:28.960 --> 00:30:30.319
Maybe I need some courage.
00:30:30.480 --> 00:30:32.079
Maybe I need some ideas.
00:30:32.880 --> 00:30:36.640
I encourage you to schedule a breakthrough call.
00:30:36.880 --> 00:30:44.799
It's a safe, compassionate space to talk through what's going on without judgment, with someone who has been where you are.
00:30:45.440 --> 00:30:51.519
We'll look at what you can't see on your own and figure out what your next step is.
00:30:51.920 --> 00:30:57.759
So you can find out more at janepilger.com forward slash breakthrough, or I'll make sure there's a link in the show notes for you.
00:30:58.480 --> 00:31:04.400
So next week, we're going to explore a question that came up in a recent cultivate call.
00:31:05.359 --> 00:31:06.640
And it's a powerful question.
00:31:06.799 --> 00:31:08.480
Who are you practicing becoming?
00:31:08.640 --> 00:31:10.720
I can't wait to share this with you next week.
00:31:10.880 --> 00:31:17.440
But for now, see what, which of these five things, which one do you want to focus on this week?
00:31:17.759 --> 00:31:23.119
Awareness, connection, compassion, curiosity, and courage.
00:31:23.440 --> 00:31:29.200
These five things together can truly transform your relationship with food.
00:31:29.440 --> 00:31:31.119
All right, that's what I have for you today.
00:31:31.200 --> 00:31:32.799
I'll see you next week.
00:31:33.359 --> 00:31:39.039
If you've been trying to stop binge eating and nothing has worked, there's a reason.
00:31:39.279 --> 00:31:49.039
I created the binge breakthrough mini-series to help you finally understand what's driving your binge eating beneath the surface so that you can actually start binge.
00:31:50.319 --> 00:31:56.160
Each video is short, and they're designed to give you the clarity and direction you've been missing.
00:31:56.319 --> 00:32:00.319
So you can stop feeling stuck and start finding your way out.
00:32:00.960 --> 00:32:05.119
Start watching them at JimmyHuelger.com forward slash mini.
00:32:05.279 --> 00:32:08.400
That's JamieHelder.com forward slash mini.
00:32:08.559 --> 00:32:10.319
M I M I
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:04.639
For years, I thought the answer to my binge eating was somewhere out there.
00:00:04.959 --> 00:00:10.640
A better plan, more willpower, the right rule to finally follow.
00:00:10.880 --> 00:00:12.960
But it wasn't any of those things.
00:00:13.199 --> 00:00:18.960
Today I'm walking you through the five things that actually changed my relationship with food.
00:00:19.120 --> 00:00:25.920
The shifts that took me from feeling out of control to feeling calm and connected.
00:00:26.160 --> 00:00:32.159
None of them are quick fixes, but all of them are things you can start practicing today.
00:00:32.640 --> 00:00:40.640
Welcome to Binge Eating Breakthrough, the podcast to help you stop feeling out of control around food and build trust with your body.
00:00:40.880 --> 00:00:45.359
If you've tried everything but still feel stuck, you're not alone.
00:00:45.520 --> 00:00:46.640
I've been there too.
00:00:46.799 --> 00:00:52.560
I'm Jane Pilger, and I'm here to help you see binge eating in a new way so you can finally break free.
00:00:52.719 --> 00:00:57.280
Each week you'll get the tools and insights to create peace with food and your body.
00:00:57.520 --> 00:00:59.679
Your breakthrough starts now.
00:01:01.039 --> 00:01:02.719
Hello, trusted listener.
00:01:02.960 --> 00:01:12.719
I consider you a trusted listener because I trust that you're here today because you're ready to look at your own relationship with food a little more closely.
00:01:13.040 --> 00:01:17.920
Even the parts that feel messy and maybe you'd rather not look at.
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I trust that you're willing to hear what actually helped me.
00:01:22.079 --> 00:01:27.280
Not because it's a formula, because it might spark something for you.
00:01:27.920 --> 00:01:39.040
So the other night I was talking with my husband Todd, and we were talking about just how far I've come with food and how much has changed over the years.
00:01:39.280 --> 00:01:40.640
And he asked me a question.
00:01:40.719 --> 00:01:44.159
He said, What actually changed it for you?
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And I had to think about this for a while, because if you had asked me 10 years ago, I would have told you it was finding the right way of eating, or getting myself under control, or finally finding the magic formula that told me exactly what to eat and how much to match whatever I was doing for exercise.
00:02:06.000 --> 00:02:17.199
I would have pointed to something outside of me, a plan, a formula, somebody else who could just tell me what to do.
00:02:18.159 --> 00:02:25.280
But when I really think about what changed my relationship with food, none of it was a strategy.
00:02:25.759 --> 00:02:37.520
It was five shifts, five things I had to learn, mostly the hard way, that had almost nothing to do with food itself.
00:02:38.879 --> 00:02:48.719
So a few of these things are going to sound familiar if you know my book, The Binge Eating Breakthrough, and the four pillars that I wrote about there.
00:02:48.879 --> 00:02:52.479
Now, I've talked a little bit about this over the last couple of episodes.
00:02:52.560 --> 00:03:01.039
So if you have listened to those episodes or you've read the book, you know that I have four pillars that I talk about to create peace with food.
00:03:01.199 --> 00:03:07.360
And those pillars are clarity, connection, compassion, and confidence.
00:03:07.759 --> 00:03:13.199
And today is not a repeat of that framework.
00:03:13.520 --> 00:03:15.840
The book is the map.
00:03:16.000 --> 00:03:27.280
It's the structured version I built after the fact, once I had lived enough of this journey to see the shape of it and put it in an order that made sense on paper.
00:03:27.520 --> 00:03:28.560
But today's different.
00:03:28.719 --> 00:03:32.240
Today is it's it's unpolished.
00:03:32.560 --> 00:03:35.120
And it's these five things.
00:03:35.280 --> 00:03:40.240
When I look back, these five things really change my relationship with food.
00:03:40.319 --> 00:03:44.879
And I'm going to give you specific examples for each one.
00:03:45.120 --> 00:03:51.840
And there are two of them that never made it into the books pillars at all: curiosity and courage.
00:03:52.080 --> 00:03:58.719
So I want to walk you through all five of these things in the order that they actually happened for me.
00:03:58.960 --> 00:04:04.479
And some of them are going to sound really simple, but they weren't simple to live.
00:04:05.120 --> 00:04:14.080
But if I can name them and just describe them to you, you might start to notice which one of these you are in right now.
00:04:14.639 --> 00:04:19.360
So five things that changed my relationship with food.
00:04:19.600 --> 00:04:29.680
If you have been following me for any length of time, you will not be surprised at all that number one is awareness.
00:04:30.959 --> 00:04:37.839
The first thing that had to happen for me to change my relationship with food was awareness.
00:04:38.079 --> 00:04:42.079
And for so long, I didn't have any awareness.
00:04:42.560 --> 00:04:44.800
So I can remember this pattern.
00:04:45.040 --> 00:04:51.120
Gosh, I was probably in my 30s, maybe even in my 20s.
00:04:51.279 --> 00:04:56.000
I was working in commercial real estate and I would go to these luncheons on a monthly basis.
00:04:56.240 --> 00:05:08.800
They're these, the kind of luncheon where they have the big round tables where the dessert is already sitting there at the top of your place setting before you've even received your lunch.
00:05:09.040 --> 00:05:15.920
And I would sit down and I would see that dessert and I would tell myself, I am not going to eat it.
00:05:16.079 --> 00:05:19.759
And then I would watch what everybody else at the table did.
00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:24.560
And let's say the woman next to me had a bite of her dessert.
00:05:24.800 --> 00:05:29.279
Then I would reason, well, it's okay for me to have a few bites too.
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No, I rarely, maybe once or twice, but rarely ate the whole thing in front of people.
00:05:36.560 --> 00:05:39.199
Of course, I did not want anybody to see that.
00:05:39.360 --> 00:05:47.600
I was just sure everybody was watching me and what I was eating because I was doing that to everybody else at my table.
00:05:48.160 --> 00:05:59.839
Then I would leave the luncheon and I would decide that I had already blown it because I ate two or three or four bites of this dessert that I said I was going to have zero of.
00:06:00.319 --> 00:06:04.480
And I would head straight to a convenience store to buy some candy.
00:06:04.800 --> 00:06:08.560
But that store was never the end of the journey.
00:06:08.720 --> 00:06:10.560
It was the first stop.
00:06:11.519 --> 00:06:14.160
From there, I would drive to a bakery.
00:06:14.319 --> 00:06:18.800
And then somewhere after that, too, maybe the grocery store, maybe another convenience store.
00:06:18.959 --> 00:06:27.759
And I would buy just enough at each place that no single cashier would ever know just how much food I was actually buying.
00:06:28.000 --> 00:06:31.680
A little there, a little here, stop after stop.
00:06:32.240 --> 00:06:42.480
I would go until I had put together and eaten more food than I would ever let any single person see me buy on one trip.
00:06:43.199 --> 00:06:56.639
And then, of course, I had to throw away all of the wrappers and all of the evidence at another gas station before I made it home so that my husband would not see everything that I had eaten while I was driving around.
00:06:56.879 --> 00:06:58.720
And this would be hours.
00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:01.519
But here's what I know now.
00:07:01.680 --> 00:07:06.000
I had almost no awareness of that pattern while it was happening.
00:07:06.240 --> 00:07:09.360
And I don't just mean the eating itself.
00:07:09.519 --> 00:07:15.120
I mean the whole chain of stops that took place.
00:07:15.920 --> 00:07:23.040
I wasn't standing at that table as I left that luncheon thinking, I'm about to start a chain of events.
00:07:23.279 --> 00:07:29.680
I wasn't even aware driving from the convenience store to the bakery that I was making a decision at all.
00:07:30.240 --> 00:07:36.879
It felt like one continuous pull, not a series of choices that I was making one at a time.
00:07:37.360 --> 00:07:51.680
And it's only looking back now that I can see each stop had its own little sentence attached to it, its own bit of permission that I gave myself to keep going to the next place.
00:07:52.639 --> 00:07:55.920
In the moment, it never felt like a string of decisions.
00:07:56.079 --> 00:08:00.079
It felt like one big binge that was simply happening to me.
00:08:00.160 --> 00:08:01.519
It just took over.
00:08:02.480 --> 00:08:11.759
And now I understand it was a chain of smaller decisions, each one making the next one a little bit easier to justify.
00:08:12.079 --> 00:08:23.279
And then I would come to on the other side of it, sitting in my car surrounded by rappers, wondering what just happened and how I had ended up there.
00:08:24.079 --> 00:08:26.319
And at the time, I didn't have a name for this.
00:08:26.560 --> 00:08:30.639
I couldn't have told you it was a pattern, let alone what was underneath it.
00:08:30.800 --> 00:08:37.840
It just felt like something that happened to me over and over without my permission.
00:08:40.639 --> 00:08:43.200
And this is what I think of as clarity.
00:08:43.679 --> 00:08:46.159
But back then, it wasn't clarity yet.
00:08:46.240 --> 00:08:48.799
It was just the flicker of noticing.
00:08:49.600 --> 00:08:54.000
Awareness was the first thing that had to change.
00:08:54.720 --> 00:08:59.039
You cannot change something you can't see.
00:09:00.879 --> 00:09:08.240
So for me, it started small, noticing the moment that I started watching other people's plates instead of my own.
00:09:09.120 --> 00:09:15.039
Noticing the story I told myself the second I decided I had already blown it.
00:09:15.279 --> 00:09:19.840
The exact sentence in my head that gave me permission to keep going.
00:09:20.399 --> 00:09:22.799
I wasn't even trying to stop anything yet.
00:09:22.960 --> 00:09:34.320
I was just trying to see it, to understand what was happening in my mind, in my body in those moments when it felt like I was just on autopilot.
00:09:35.279 --> 00:09:38.480
So this is different than fixing it, but it has to come first.
00:09:38.639 --> 00:09:40.480
Awareness always comes first.
00:09:40.639 --> 00:09:45.759
So that is the number one thing that changed my relationship with food awareness.
00:09:46.240 --> 00:09:48.080
Number two, connection.
00:09:49.360 --> 00:09:58.639
So there's this piece that I want to focus on today that I is the tool that I use the most almost every single day.
00:09:58.879 --> 00:10:04.080
And I want to talk through this in detail because it's it is simple, but it's powerful.
00:10:04.480 --> 00:10:11.120
So for most of my life, I had no idea what hunger actually felt like in my body, or even what fullness felt like.
00:10:11.279 --> 00:10:24.000
I either ate on a schedule, I ate because it was noon, because everyone else at the table was eating, or because this is the whatever plan I was on told me this is how much to eat.
00:10:24.639 --> 00:10:34.559
My body had signals, but I had spent so many years ignoring them and just I literally stopped listening to them.
00:10:34.720 --> 00:10:37.600
I didn't even know that they were still there.
00:10:38.399 --> 00:10:50.000
So a tool that is so powerful and so simple that very much is helpful with the idea of connecting is something called the three powerful questions.
00:10:50.159 --> 00:10:53.200
And I've shared it on the podcast before, but it's been a while since I've shared it.
00:10:53.360 --> 00:10:55.360
So here's the three powerful questions.
00:10:55.600 --> 00:10:56.960
What do I notice?
00:10:57.360 --> 00:10:58.639
What do I need?
00:10:59.039 --> 00:11:00.639
And what's next?
00:11:01.279 --> 00:11:09.039
And I know that this can sound almost too simple to matter, especially the first time that you hear them.
00:11:09.519 --> 00:11:15.200
But your brain will go to work to answer whatever question you ask it.
00:11:15.600 --> 00:11:21.200
And most of us have simply not asked our bodies these questions before.
00:11:21.440 --> 00:11:27.279
We're used to telling our bodies what to do, not asking them what they need.
00:11:28.399 --> 00:11:29.919
So, what do I notice?
00:11:30.080 --> 00:11:31.600
Starts with a scan.
00:11:31.840 --> 00:11:35.120
You can scan, quick body scan, you can scan from head to toe.
00:11:35.279 --> 00:11:37.440
You can start at your toes, go up to your head.
00:11:37.759 --> 00:11:40.559
No judgment attached to what you find.
00:11:41.200 --> 00:11:43.759
You might find some tension behind the eyes.
00:11:44.320 --> 00:11:46.159
You might find a tight jaw.
00:11:46.799 --> 00:11:50.080
You might find a flutter in your stomach that could be hunger.
00:11:50.320 --> 00:11:51.919
It could be nerves.
00:11:54.000 --> 00:11:55.440
What do I need?
00:11:55.759 --> 00:11:57.120
Is the next question.
00:11:58.000 --> 00:12:02.639
And the honest answer, especially at first, is often nothing.
00:12:03.440 --> 00:12:15.279
You might not even get a response when you first start asking this question because your body isn't used to being asked and it doesn't yet trust that you'll actually listen to the answer.
00:12:15.679 --> 00:12:16.879
This is normal.
00:12:17.200 --> 00:12:19.440
Keep asking anyway.
00:12:20.799 --> 00:12:23.039
And the third question, what's next?
00:12:23.279 --> 00:12:30.960
It's where you respond in some small way to what you noticed and what you identified that you need.
00:12:32.320 --> 00:12:39.600
I use these three powerful questions constantly with myself and inside cultivate.
00:12:39.679 --> 00:12:46.240
We almost we open many of our cultivate group calls with the three powerful questions.
00:12:46.639 --> 00:12:50.799
And I have the group answer what's next for two different windows.
00:12:51.039 --> 00:12:53.919
What's next for this hour that we're together?
00:12:54.240 --> 00:12:58.080
And what's next after the call ends?
00:12:58.399 --> 00:13:01.519
So you can imagine, you picture it.
00:13:02.480 --> 00:13:04.320
I do this for my life too.
00:13:04.559 --> 00:13:09.120
So on Tuesday, I eat lunch right after our cultivate calls.
00:13:09.360 --> 00:13:22.000
And more often than not, while I'm in these calls, I picture myself eating lunch and how I want to feel in the minutes after lunch, before I've even taken a single bite.
00:13:23.120 --> 00:13:32.000
And the visualization might sound small, but the brain doesn't know the difference between imagining something and living it.
00:13:32.240 --> 00:13:38.480
So picturing myself eating in a way that feels nurturing actually helps me get there.
00:13:40.159 --> 00:13:43.039
But connection is not only internal.
00:13:43.200 --> 00:13:46.000
That's what we're talking about here with the three powerful questions.
00:13:46.159 --> 00:13:55.440
But I don't want to skip over the fact that connection with other people is really important as well.
00:13:55.759 --> 00:14:10.559
And for so long, I kept my all of my food stuff hidden because it felt like the only way to manage it, the only way to control what other people knew or what they thought.
00:14:10.799 --> 00:14:12.960
So I did not talk about it.
00:14:13.120 --> 00:14:16.720
Not with friends, not with Todd, not with anyone.
00:14:18.159 --> 00:14:24.879
Everything I was doing stayed in the car, in the pantry, in the trash can at the convenience store on the way home.
00:14:25.279 --> 00:14:29.039
These moments I made sure that nobody else ever saw.
00:14:29.679 --> 00:14:39.840
And learning to actually talk to Todd about the struggle itself and the things that I had been keeping secret for years was its own kind of connection.
00:14:40.159 --> 00:14:44.960
And it actually turned out to be one of the biggest parts of this whole shift.
00:14:45.759 --> 00:14:51.840
I used to think I had to build connection with myself first, quietly on my own.
00:14:52.080 --> 00:14:57.600
Then maybe eventually I could let someone else in once I had already figured it all out.
00:14:58.080 --> 00:15:02.480
But what actually happened was closer to the opposite.
00:15:02.960 --> 00:15:07.039
Connecting with him helped me connect with myself.
00:15:07.679 --> 00:15:16.480
Telling him what was actually going on, the real version instead of the version I was trying to control.
00:15:17.200 --> 00:15:24.879
Having him still be there afterwards did something that trying to do this on my own never could.
00:15:42.000 --> 00:15:51.279
I don't know that that ever would have been possible without being on the receding end of some compassion and connection and curiosity.
00:15:52.879 --> 00:15:55.759
And none of this connection happened instantly.
00:15:55.919 --> 00:16:03.759
It took months of checking in, noticing what was happening without rushing to fix it or override it or make it go away.
00:16:03.919 --> 00:16:11.519
And it took just as long or longer to let another person in on what was actually happening for me.
00:16:12.559 --> 00:16:23.039
And slowly I started to trust it was safe to slow down long enough to notice in the first place, both on my own and with someone else in the room.
00:16:23.360 --> 00:16:25.919
And that's what connection actually is.
00:16:26.799 --> 00:16:38.720
It's the same questions asked again and again to yourself and out loud to someone else until both believe you're actually listening.
00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:41.519
So number one, awareness.
00:16:41.679 --> 00:16:42.960
Number two, connection.
00:16:43.200 --> 00:16:44.879
Number three, compassion.
00:16:45.840 --> 00:16:47.440
The third thing was compassion.
00:16:47.519 --> 00:16:50.480
And this was the hardest one for me by far.
00:16:51.120 --> 00:16:56.159
So I used to sit in my car after a binge saying things to myself I would never say to a friend.
00:16:57.120 --> 00:17:01.919
And what actually helped me stop doing that is a tool.
00:17:02.639 --> 00:17:04.079
So it's a tool more than a story.
00:17:04.160 --> 00:17:04.960
So I'm gonna give it to you.
00:17:05.039 --> 00:17:10.319
And if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you have heard me ask this question.
00:17:10.720 --> 00:17:15.279
It is the single question: how does this make sense?
00:17:16.400 --> 00:17:18.000
This is not an excuse.
00:17:18.240 --> 00:17:22.720
It is a true, an honest inquiry of yourself.
00:17:23.599 --> 00:17:28.880
And when I finally started asking, how does this make sense instead of what is wrong with me?
00:17:29.039 --> 00:17:31.440
I found real answers.
00:17:32.000 --> 00:17:33.680
I was exhausted.
00:17:34.079 --> 00:17:39.519
I'd learned this exact pattern of coping decades earlier and never unlearned it.
00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:50.720
I'd watch other women do some version of the same thing at those luncheons for years, made it easy to file the whole pattern under normal instead of ever questioning it.
00:17:51.200 --> 00:17:57.519
Now, I didn't watch them drive around and eat afterwards, but I watched them question the dessert.
00:17:57.759 --> 00:17:58.720
Do I eat the dessert?
00:17:58.880 --> 00:18:00.160
Do I not eat the dessert?
00:18:00.480 --> 00:18:05.440
All of the questions and the drama and the attention that went to those desserts.
00:18:06.880 --> 00:18:08.799
So it helped me see.
00:18:09.119 --> 00:18:11.519
Oh, this isn't a character flaw.
00:18:11.839 --> 00:18:13.680
This is a strategy.
00:18:13.920 --> 00:18:18.960
Maybe it made sense once, even if it wasn't serving me anymore.
00:18:19.599 --> 00:18:33.119
I also started to be able to make sense of the times I was eating so little, where all the rules and the rigidity would lead me to the binging later on.
00:18:33.279 --> 00:18:34.559
I could make sense of that.
00:18:34.720 --> 00:18:35.920
I could see it.
00:18:37.039 --> 00:18:42.799
Now, here's another question that you can bring in for the compassion piece.
00:18:43.599 --> 00:18:52.319
What would I say to a friend or to a young person if they were sitting exactly where I am right now?
00:18:53.839 --> 00:19:03.680
Now, I have never once in all of these years, when I have asked this question of myself, come up with an answer that sounded anything like the way that I used to talk to myself.
00:19:05.519 --> 00:19:10.400
So compassion is not something that you have to manufacture.
00:19:11.200 --> 00:19:16.799
It's a question you can ask yourself to bring in kindness.
00:19:17.920 --> 00:19:21.519
It's bringing in kindness towards yourself.
00:19:22.400 --> 00:19:26.880
Compassion is what actually makes the understanding possible in the first place.
00:19:27.119 --> 00:19:37.119
Because when you're at war with yourself after every binge or every unwanted eating experience, there is no room left to actually look at what happened.
00:19:37.359 --> 00:19:42.880
You're too busy defending yourself or attacking yourself to get curious about anything.
00:19:43.359 --> 00:19:48.480
Compassion is what clears enough space for the next thing to happen.
00:19:48.799 --> 00:19:52.240
So we have awareness, connection, and compassion.
00:19:52.960 --> 00:19:56.079
Now, the fourth, it's curiosity.
00:19:56.480 --> 00:20:01.200
Now it's closely tied to compassion, but it is not the same thing.
00:20:01.920 --> 00:20:05.680
So compassion is how I started treating myself with kindness.
00:20:06.480 --> 00:20:11.680
That's where you can bring in what I would say to a friend, what would I say to a young person?
00:20:12.079 --> 00:20:14.240
Bring in that kindness.
00:20:15.200 --> 00:20:25.680
Once I stopped judging myself so harshly, then I could bring in curiosity to see what was actually going on.
00:20:26.000 --> 00:20:29.200
I could get curious about the pattern itself.
00:20:29.839 --> 00:20:32.880
What was I really hungry for in that moment?
00:20:33.440 --> 00:20:41.839
What was happening right before I felt the pull to binge, to go to the pantry, to get in the car, to drive to the store?
00:20:42.400 --> 00:20:48.319
What was the food actually doing for me that I couldn't get anywhere else?
00:20:49.039 --> 00:20:52.400
So you can see even how this brings in awareness too.
00:20:52.720 --> 00:20:58.240
Because if I'm stuck in shame, if I'm stuck in judgment, I can't even become aware.
00:20:58.480 --> 00:21:05.039
It's only through compassion, through curiosity that that awareness continues to expand even more.
00:21:06.799 --> 00:21:11.599
So I remember when I asked myself, like, what was really going on?
00:21:12.720 --> 00:21:19.839
And really through curiosity, I had just finished a stressful call.
00:21:20.240 --> 00:21:24.880
It was the kind that used to send me straight to the pantry without a second thought.
00:21:25.039 --> 00:21:26.640
And instead, I paused.
00:21:26.799 --> 00:21:30.400
I asked what I was actually looking for.
00:21:31.119 --> 00:21:34.640
The answer that came back wasn't food, it was relief.
00:21:35.359 --> 00:21:41.680
It was the feeling of being done, of not having to hold it all together.
00:21:41.920 --> 00:21:45.839
And once I could see that clearly, I had a choice.
00:21:46.480 --> 00:21:50.559
Because I wasn't only choosing between eating and not eating anymore.
00:21:50.799 --> 00:21:54.480
I was choosing how I wanted to get relief.
00:21:55.359 --> 00:21:57.759
Up until that point, it had always been do I eat?
00:21:57.920 --> 00:21:58.640
Do I not eat?
00:21:58.880 --> 00:21:59.759
So focused on that.
00:22:00.319 --> 00:22:01.119
Food.
00:22:01.839 --> 00:22:08.880
So I started treating my own patterns like something worth investigating instead of something to be ashamed of.
00:22:09.119 --> 00:22:12.960
And that shift changed how I moved through a hard day.
00:22:13.200 --> 00:22:19.680
So instead of white knuckling my way past an urge saying, don't eat, don't eat, don't eat, I would get curious about it.
00:22:19.920 --> 00:22:20.640
What is this?
00:22:20.799 --> 00:22:21.519
What's going on?
00:22:21.599 --> 00:22:23.680
What is it trying to tell me?
00:22:24.559 --> 00:22:28.559
Now, curiosity doesn't require that you have the answer right away.
00:22:28.720 --> 00:22:34.559
It just requires you to stay in the question instead of running away from it.
00:22:35.039 --> 00:22:41.680
And it's harder than it sounds, but it's really useful and helpful.
00:22:42.640 --> 00:22:44.400
All right, so we have four things so far.
00:22:44.480 --> 00:22:49.920
We have awareness, we have connection, we have compassion, we have curiosity.
00:22:50.160 --> 00:22:52.480
Number five is courage.
00:22:53.279 --> 00:22:56.319
So courage showed up in a few different ways for me.
00:22:56.559 --> 00:23:01.839
The first way was the courage to seek support in the first place.
00:23:02.720 --> 00:23:07.920
Because I remember feeling like asking for help meant that I couldn't do it on my own.
00:23:08.079 --> 00:23:09.440
I had already failed.
00:23:09.599 --> 00:23:21.119
I should have been able to figure this out on my own, if I just had enough discipline, if I just read the right book, if I just were able to do this, I should be able to do it on my own.
00:23:21.200 --> 00:23:21.759
I'm smart.
00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:23.599
Why can't I figure this out?
00:23:24.160 --> 00:23:37.440
And it took real courage to admit that I was struggling to tell someone other than myself and let them help me instead of trying to do it all on my own.
00:23:38.640 --> 00:23:46.400
And the second form of courage was the courage to keep going when things weren't moving fast enough for me.
00:23:47.119 --> 00:23:52.559
There were stretches, sometimes long ones, where it felt like nothing was changing at all.
00:23:52.720 --> 00:24:00.720
And I had to find the resilience to stay with the process anyway, instead of deciding it wasn't working and walking away.
00:24:01.279 --> 00:24:05.839
That kind of courage doesn't get talked about much because it's quiet.
00:24:07.200 --> 00:24:17.839
Nobody sees it, but it is literally showing up, willing to try again, willing to bring in more awareness, more compassion, more curiosity.
00:24:18.079 --> 00:24:19.839
Try something different.
00:24:20.160 --> 00:24:25.359
And that is the third form of courage: the courage to try something different.
00:24:25.599 --> 00:24:34.000
And to believe that something other than the pattern that I already knew was actually possible for me.
00:24:35.440 --> 00:24:40.799
So that might sound kind of like the smallest of the three, but it wasn't.
00:24:40.960 --> 00:25:01.039
It is one thing to know intellectually the change is possible, but it's another thing entirely to sit at that luncheon table with that dessert already in front of you and do something different than you've always done, trusting that the outcome might actually be different this time.
00:25:03.200 --> 00:25:05.680
Courage doesn't always look big.
00:25:05.920 --> 00:25:10.160
Sometimes it looks like sending one email to ask for help.
00:25:10.799 --> 00:25:17.920
Sometimes it looks like trying to pause before eating with no guarantee that it will work.
00:25:18.960 --> 00:25:25.759
But every one of those small moments of courage is what let the other four things actually take root.
00:25:26.079 --> 00:25:30.240
Because none of them do anything if you never act on them.
00:25:30.559 --> 00:25:32.400
So much of what we talked about last week.
00:25:33.839 --> 00:25:38.480
So here's some practical shifts you can apply for yourself.
00:25:39.279 --> 00:25:46.000
Notice one moment of automatic eating this week, a place where you just kind of eat on autopilot.
00:25:47.119 --> 00:25:48.720
We're not even trying to change it yet.
00:25:49.519 --> 00:25:51.359
Awareness has to come first.
00:25:52.079 --> 00:25:55.920
You can't skip straight to fixing what you haven't actually seen.
00:25:56.400 --> 00:25:59.039
So see what you can notice in your eating this week.
00:26:01.119 --> 00:26:04.720
Number two, try the three powerful questions before your next meal.
00:26:05.279 --> 00:26:06.160
What do I notice?
00:26:06.400 --> 00:26:07.200
What do I need?
00:26:07.519 --> 00:26:08.319
What's next?
00:26:09.680 --> 00:26:12.160
You don't even need a clear answer to any of them.
00:26:12.319 --> 00:26:14.079
Just practice asking.
00:26:16.319 --> 00:26:22.240
Number three, the next time you're hard on yourself after eating, try asking, how does this make sense?
00:26:22.480 --> 00:26:24.559
Instead of what's wrong with me.
00:26:25.680 --> 00:26:29.440
That one shift is where compassion starts to take root.
00:26:31.200 --> 00:26:38.960
Number four, get curious about one urge, one craving, one desire to eat this week instead of trying to fight it.
00:26:39.599 --> 00:26:42.720
Ask, what might it actually be after?
00:26:44.160 --> 00:26:45.920
You don't even need the full answer.
00:26:46.079 --> 00:26:48.000
Just ask the question.
00:26:50.240 --> 00:26:55.680
Number five, notice where you have been avoiding asking for help.
00:26:56.319 --> 00:27:03.759
Maybe it's a conversation, maybe it's a call, maybe it's admitting out loud to someone that you are struggling.
00:27:04.559 --> 00:27:08.640
Naming it is often the most courageous part of the whole thing.
00:27:08.799 --> 00:27:12.640
And it's where you can start to get the support that you need.
00:27:14.480 --> 00:27:19.440
So I invite you to pick one of these five words and let it be your focus for this week.
00:27:19.599 --> 00:27:20.720
Not all five.
00:27:20.880 --> 00:27:22.799
That's not how change works.
00:27:23.119 --> 00:27:29.039
Awareness, connection, compassion, curiosity, or courage.
00:27:29.359 --> 00:27:34.079
And see what you notice when you give it your full attention.
00:27:35.759 --> 00:27:50.720
So actually, as I am recording this episode, I this afternoon, before I recorded this episode, I went to a lunch meeting for an organization that I founded almost 20 years ago.
00:27:50.960 --> 00:28:02.960
And I've been going to these meetings over the past 20 years, and I have lost count of how many of them I have left and gone straight into a bench.
00:28:03.759 --> 00:28:06.960
There were these lemon cookies out at the end of the meeting today.
00:28:07.119 --> 00:28:12.319
And the old version of me would have said, Oh, I'll take one home for Todd.
00:28:12.640 --> 00:28:20.960
Then I would have eaten it alone in the car as I was driving to the next place to get more food.
00:28:21.039 --> 00:28:24.559
And I would be making sure that nobody could see me eating.
00:28:24.880 --> 00:28:36.720
But today, I grabbed one of those cookies and I ate it walking out the door in front of everyone without a second thought about who saw me.
00:28:37.200 --> 00:28:44.640
And I was tasting and enjoying that cookie, the lemon, the texture, all of it.
00:28:45.599 --> 00:28:47.279
And then I went home.
00:28:47.519 --> 00:28:55.519
There was no pull to eat more, no urge to restrict, no desire to go stop five other places.
00:28:56.160 --> 00:28:57.759
But here's what I did notice.
00:28:58.000 --> 00:28:59.599
I was tired.
00:29:00.559 --> 00:29:06.400
And the old version of me, well, the really old version of me wouldn't even notice that I was tired.
00:29:07.599 --> 00:29:20.319
An older version of me would have pushed through it or used food for a quick hit of energy or a reason to avoid going back to the rest of my day.
00:29:21.039 --> 00:29:32.799
But what I did today, I noticed I was tired and I took a, I laid down for a 10-minute nap and I woke up refreshed, ready to record this podcast episode.
00:29:34.000 --> 00:29:39.680
Such a different experience than what I have experienced in the past.
00:29:40.400 --> 00:29:46.240
And it felt easy, but that kind of ease didn't show up overnight.
00:29:47.680 --> 00:29:51.119
Now, none of these five things happened in a straight line.
00:29:51.200 --> 00:29:55.119
It's not like I went from awareness straight into connection into the next one.
00:29:55.359 --> 00:29:57.759
No, that's not how it works.
00:29:58.400 --> 00:30:04.960
But the five components are awareness, connection, compassion, curiosity, and courage.
00:30:06.000 --> 00:30:11.119
And some weeks, as you are on this journey, you will be standing more in one than another.
00:30:11.279 --> 00:30:12.799
It's how this works.
00:30:14.960 --> 00:30:25.279
So if you are finding that you can't quite get past awareness on your own, you're struggling maybe with connection, with the compassion piece, or even the awareness.
00:30:25.440 --> 00:30:28.720
Like, I don't even know what my patterns are.
00:30:28.960 --> 00:30:30.319
Maybe I need some courage.
00:30:30.480 --> 00:30:32.079
Maybe I need some ideas.
00:30:32.880 --> 00:30:36.640
I encourage you to schedule a breakthrough call.
00:30:36.880 --> 00:30:44.799
It's a safe, compassionate space to talk through what's going on without judgment, with someone who has been where you are.
00:30:45.440 --> 00:30:51.519
We'll look at what you can't see on your own and figure out what your next step is.
00:30:51.920 --> 00:30:57.759
So you can find out more at janepilger.com forward slash breakthrough, or I'll make sure there's a link in the show notes for you.
00:30:58.480 --> 00:31:04.400
So next week, we're going to explore a question that came up in a recent cultivate call.
00:31:05.359 --> 00:31:06.640
And it's a powerful question.
00:31:06.799 --> 00:31:08.480
Who are you practicing becoming?
00:31:08.640 --> 00:31:10.720
I can't wait to share this with you next week.
00:31:10.880 --> 00:31:17.440
But for now, see what, which of these five things, which one do you want to focus on this week?
00:31:17.759 --> 00:31:23.119
Awareness, connection, compassion, curiosity, and courage.
00:31:23.440 --> 00:31:29.200
These five things together can truly transform your relationship with food.
00:31:29.440 --> 00:31:31.119
All right, that's what I have for you today.
00:31:31.200 --> 00:31:32.799
I'll see you next week.
00:31:33.359 --> 00:31:39.039
If you've been trying to stop binge eating and nothing has worked, there's a reason.
00:31:39.279 --> 00:31:49.039
I created the binge breakthrough mini-series to help you finally understand what's driving your binge eating beneath the surface so that you can actually start binge.
00:31:50.319 --> 00:31:56.160
Each video is short, and they're designed to give you the clarity and direction you've been missing.
00:31:56.319 --> 00:32:00.319
So you can stop feeling stuck and start finding your way out.
00:32:00.960 --> 00:32:05.119
Start watching them at JimmyHuelger.com forward slash mini.
00:32:05.279 --> 00:32:08.400
That's JamieHelder.com forward slash mini.
00:32:08.559 --> 00:32:10.319
M I M I
