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00:00:23.359Hi, well, welcome to Beyond Addiction, a podcast produced by Gulf Breeze Recovery and brought to you by your host Ann.
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00:00:28.960And I have a wonderful guest with me today who's a graduate from Gulf Breeze Recovery.
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00:00:40.320Graduate means that Kat has been through the Gulf Breeze Recovery program and has agreed to talk to us about that and uh her journey since leaving Gulf Breeze Recovery.
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00:00:43.039So, Kat, tell everybody who you are.
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00:00:44.640Thanks, Ann.
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00:00:45.759My name is Kat.
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00:00:49.119I um am from Nashville, Tennessee.
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00:00:53.840I came to Gulf Breeze to go through the program in 2016.
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00:00:56.479Completed that successfully.
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00:01:00.320I lived locally in the area there for a few years.
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00:01:10.079Um, and then within the last two or three years, my husband and I moved back to the Nashville area, um, and I have an almost two-year-old.
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00:01:11.439That's amazing.
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00:01:18.319And that was a big goal, as I understand, to not just move from recovery, but move to being healthy.
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00:01:19.599Absolutely.
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00:01:21.599So talk about that a little bit.
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00:01:27.840Talk about that transition from being a person in recovery to a person who's healthy.
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00:01:35.760So um my addiction was all-encompassing.
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00:01:57.040And so uh not only was I a person who used drugs and alcohol in a way that was unhealthy and unsustainable, but truly the the using, the figuring out how to get money to use, everything involved in that lifestyle, um, it took up my entire life.
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00:01:59.359It was my entire personality.
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00:02:11.680And so um for me, getting clean wasn't just about uh putting down the drugs, it was about figuring out who I was, who I wanted to be, what kind of life I wanted to live.
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00:02:18.319Because um I spent almost a dozen years uh in active addiction and uh from the time I was an adolescent.
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00:02:23.280And so I had no, I had no concept of what a healthy life looked like.
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00:02:26.719Um, and I had no concept of what I even wanted for myself.
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00:02:31.599And so um, it's really been this beautiful process of starting.
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00:02:44.800Um, it sounds bad starting from nothing, but it was actually glorious because I got to do this like paint by number, build a life, and put all the things that were um good for my spirit into it.
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00:02:49.280I got to literally build myself into the kind of woman that I wanted to be when I grew up.
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00:02:53.360Um and I definitely got the tools to do that at GBR.
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00:02:54.719Well, that's the point.
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00:02:55.919I mean, you did it.
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00:03:01.840It's it's it's you, it's your doing, it's it's your understanding and your motivation.
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00:03:07.759But how did Gulf Breeze give you a jump start or a a lift to get to that place?
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00:03:10.960Because you were sorely not there when you came.
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00:03:12.400So what did they do?
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00:03:18.400What was the thing that got you to go, aha, I think I've got the things I need to do this?
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00:03:24.240So Gulf Breeze was not my first treatment center, and it was not my first attempt at recovery.
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00:03:29.280I had um actually, I went to my first 12-step meeting when I was 17.
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00:03:32.240Um, and I got to I got to Gulf Breeze when I was 28.
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00:03:37.199And so I tried um many things in that time period.
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00:03:52.960Um and the thing at Gulf Breeze that was so different is that um every other facility that I had been to gave me a list of action items.
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00:03:54.800It was very much a doing this.
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00:03:59.280Um, you need to wake up at this time, go to these groups.
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00:04:03.360Uh, when you get out, you need to do this many meetings and this time period.
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00:04:07.199Um, it was a list of steps, which was fine, and they were all good things.
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00:04:21.519Um, they were all things that um, you know, were were conducive to recovery, but the problem was I wasn't able to um figure out how to make my own list of things that worked for me.
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00:04:27.279I wasn't really able to make any independent choices when those things were not available to me.
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00:04:37.680And so what Gulf Breeze did for me was really teach me intimately about the nature of my own thinking and my own wisdom.
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00:04:49.839And so what I got to learn was how my thoughts were creating my own experience, how to tell the difference between egoic and chaotic thinking and something that was coming from my own wisdom.
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00:05:03.120And so I was able to what's funny is today I choose to do a lot of the things that I was taught in early treatment centers just because I think they're really fun and they give a lot to my spirit, and I I find a community that I can give back in.
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00:05:10.000Um, but I do it from a place of um this is something that moves me.
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00:05:16.560This is something that I feel drawn to do, versus this is a list of steps that someone is making me take.
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00:05:28.000Um, and that's really what I got from GBR is how to how to be still and listen for that voice of wisdom and um trust it.
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00:05:49.439Yeah, that's really a very compelling description because you you previously talked about the energy and the time and the effort put into maintaining your sobriety when you tried, and then you were given a lot of things to do and run and go after to maintain it.
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00:06:00.720So you were still kind of on this treadmill, and what you're describing is a unique special where you were allowed or learned how to sit with yourself, right?
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00:06:04.639And so, how do you keep that going now?
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00:06:14.240So it's it's so difficult to even talk about because there's there's really just this feeling.
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00:06:26.079Um, my my I go through seasons um in recovery, but right now one of my big mantras is um what is joyful to my spirit is painful to my ego.
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00:06:32.160And so um I spent all of my time using avoiding pain, right?
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00:06:33.199Seeking relief.
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00:06:34.959I have an uncomfortable feeling.
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00:06:37.920I don't want to be in the situation that I'm in.
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00:06:47.199I don't like the way that things are going, and so I'm going to anesthetize this pain with something that I know works, which for me was drugs.
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00:07:02.240And um it's really fine-tuning my awareness of what level of discomfort is appropriate and even beneficial to me, and what types of discomfort should I try to avoid.
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00:07:11.279And so now I look for those things, you know, most people can can recognize that in um you know, deferring rewards.
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00:07:11.920You know what I mean?
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00:07:16.560I'm I'm not going to do this thing that feels good today so that I can have greater reward down the road.
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00:07:29.759But for me, for many years, I couldn't tell the difference between um what was deferring a reward for something greater and what was just absolute, you know, futile discomfort.
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00:07:34.160Um and so, like that's the difference for me, right?
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00:07:43.439It's just um fine-tuning that skill of ah, I feel this uncomfortable feeling, but this is something that's guiding me to something greater.
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00:07:54.560And so rather than try to put um a drink or a drug or a cigarette or a donut, or I mean, I could put anything on that just to not be in that moment of discomfort.
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00:07:59.759I'm gonna lean in because it's leading me to something that's truly joyful to my spirit.
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00:08:00.800That's great.
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00:08:13.439I mean, whether you have a problem with alcohol or not, some people do it with shopping, some people that do it with, I mean, there's all kinds of ways to mask a feeling of discomfort instead of working through it.
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00:08:15.600So do you have a regime?
00:08:15.759 -->
00:08:16.959I don't know the right word.
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00:08:22.079Do you have a regime or a practice or a or a guide for you today?
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00:08:26.079I do, and actually I am very structured today.
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00:08:46.720I haven't um I just celebrated seven years of recovery this month, and at various times in my journey, I've been um alternatingly kind of loosey-goosey and then more structured, and again, that's really just being guided by you know my wisdom and and figuring out what I need at this season in my life.
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00:08:55.279But um, I think I mentioned I I had a child uh a little under two years ago, and I suffered, I suffered greatly with postpartum depression.
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00:09:04.320I mean, I had a really dark uh year to 18 months, and um I just I didn't want to live that way anymore, and so I did.
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00:09:08.960I got quiet and I thought, what what fills my spirit?
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00:09:10.240What do I want to do?
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00:09:18.240And um someone actually I I heard someone say hope is not a strategy, and I was like, ooh, yes, you're absolutely right.
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00:09:22.080So if there's something that I want to build into my life, I need to schedule it.
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00:09:25.200And so I've been incredibly structured as of late.
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00:09:32.080Um, I get up earlier, um, I spend some, I don't touch my phone until I get to work.
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00:09:38.879So I um I read, I take my dogs outside without any technology.
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00:09:41.120Um, I have a spiritual moment.
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00:09:45.120Um, I do go to meetings three times a week right now.
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00:09:49.200I go to the same ones every single week because community is so important to me.
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00:09:52.559So I see the same faces and I connect with people.
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00:10:02.559Um I've gotten back into a physical activity routine where I also go to the gym at the same time on the same days every single week.
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00:10:13.919So I see the same people and I have that level of accountability, and I'm really just building back into my schedule the things that I know from experience um make me fulfilled.
00:10:14.159 -->
00:10:28.399And so um, really with no one saying, I I guess that's what I was trying to get to earlier, is it it doesn't have anything, there are lots of things that I can do to create a feeling of fulfillment.
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00:10:34.480Um, but I don't necessarily need someone standing over my shoulder saying, you must do this.
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00:10:40.159It's really having that self-awareness to sit quietly and say, gosh, I'm drawn to this right now.
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00:10:43.519This is something that's meaningful at this point in my life.
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00:10:51.360That's so impressive, Kat, because it's not easy with a two-year-old to have any kind of schedule, right?
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00:10:53.360Right.
00:10:53.519 -->
00:10:55.840Well, she's pretty scheduled now.
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00:10:58.480She wasn't for the first year.
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00:11:02.720She was on she was just freestyle in her whole first year of life.
00:11:03.039 -->
00:11:09.759Slept when she wanted to, cried when she wanted to, but they they do get into schedules a little later, which is great.
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00:11:12.000Well, you mentioned postpartum.
00:11:12.080 -->
00:11:17.200There was a time when I was having kids, you didn't even acknowledge I don't even think we had the word.
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00:11:19.279We didn't even acknowledge it.
00:11:19.519 -->
00:11:32.799And uh I'm I wonder if someone hearing and watching this would wonder, was that a time when you were tempted to take a strategy that you used to take many years ago and give up on sobriety?
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00:11:41.840Yeah, you know, um for me personally, no, I was very open to the fact that I might have that experience.
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00:11:50.320I I certainly don't think that I'm um above or beyond any kind of thought um to do something that would be destructive for me.
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00:12:17.039But um I have to tell you, I really um it my journey in this started at GBR 100%, but I have absolutely lost the fear of a feeling, and that doesn't mean that a 12-month deep dark hole of depression was fun because it was awful.
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00:12:32.799It was awful, but what I did not have before that I have today is this absolutely unshakable faith that this feeling is temporary, this feeling is natural, this feeling is serving a purpose.
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00:12:47.519And if I just keep doing just the next right thing, just check in here, what is it that my spirit needs, keep moving toward that, and I just do that next right thing, one thing at a time, that there's no way I won't move out of it.
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00:13:01.039I mean, I I heard there's uh an author that I was introduced to at Gulf Breeze who I heard speak one time who talked about um, he was talking about the human condition and how at one point he thought it was like a Christmas ornament, right?
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00:13:06.879Beautiful, but if it hit the ground, it would shatter into a thousand pieces and you'd never be able to put it back together again.
00:13:07.120 -->
00:13:13.600And then as he grew in his understanding, he thought, gosh, no, maybe we're more like an orange, you know, just tough on the outside.
00:13:13.759 -->
00:13:19.279If you throw an orange against a wall a hundred times, it'll still look the same, but open it up and it's a big old mess.
00:13:19.519 -->
00:13:29.120And then as he got, you know, acquainted with the principles and the understanding that they teach at Gulf Freeze, that um he came to realize that in fact we were more like a racquetball.
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00:13:36.960Um, because baby, I was made to bounce, and I am just as good on the hundredth bounce as I was fresh out of the package.
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00:13:45.759And the only way that I came to that understanding was that I had to let myself hit the ground emotionally, spiritually, physically.
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00:13:53.519And every single time I have hit the ground in recovery and I don't put a drink or a drug on it, I come back up.
00:13:53.840 -->
00:14:07.600And so allowing myself to hit that ground, you know, metaphorically so many times has created this um truly this unshakable faith that I will come back up.
00:14:07.840 -->
00:14:19.440And so um, again, I I I don't want to be so egoic to say, oh, I'm immune to a feeling of of wanting to use ever again because I'm I know I'm not.
00:14:19.679 -->
00:14:22.000It's a thought's a thought, they're not personal.
00:14:22.320 -->
00:14:31.039Um however, I just it just doesn't seem like a solution that I'm interested in anymore.
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00:14:34.960Wonderful, because you're what you're describing is resilience.
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00:14:35.919Absolutely.
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00:14:46.080Yes, and that is a word that I certainly knew, but never felt as familiar with as when I got involved with the folks at Gulf Breeze.
00:14:46.320 -->
00:14:52.960Because uh resilience is something incredibly strong, but it's like any other muscle.
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00:14:56.960You have to use it, you have to practice it, and that's what you're describing.
00:14:57.279 -->
00:15:24.080That's right, and I think I think too, that's a big difference at Gulf Breeze is that um, you know, I've been in therapy since I was a child, and um I don't know if I was hearing it wrong or if the practitioners that I was seeing were saying it this way, but I was always under the misconception that a feeling, particularly a negative one, is something with which I needed to cope.
00:15:24.240 -->
00:15:29.039If I am experiencing discomfort, that is a sign that something is wrong.
00:15:29.200 -->
00:15:35.120I am doing it wrong, my life is wrong, things are going wrong, you need to shut it down.
00:15:35.759 -->
00:15:44.639Um, but in fact, being in those uncomfortable feelings is the space from which we come back up.
00:15:45.039 -->
00:15:53.440I was never able to find my own resilience until I was able to lean in to that thing that I had been running from.
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00:15:54.960Right.
00:15:55.120 -->
00:15:57.120And and you referenced the books.
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00:16:16.799There were so many books that I was borrowed from the Gulf Res Recovery Library, and um the whole concept of this resilience, and who was the I forgot the name of the book that I like so much with the horse on the cover, where the gentleman's Michael Singer, the untethered soul.
00:16:17.279 -->
00:16:19.120The untethered soul.
00:16:19.519 -->
00:16:30.639That was so because he figuratively described if there was somebody sitting on the sofa next to you saying, You're a jerk, you're lousy, you can't do this, you need to give in.
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00:16:33.360This is what you just get out of the room.
00:16:33.759 -->
00:16:34.399Yeah.
00:16:34.879 -->
00:16:37.919And it just was a perfect, perfect example.
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00:16:44.639Are there things that you even think back on at Gulf Breeze now that you're like, oh, I remember that?
00:16:44.879 -->
00:16:46.240Oh, all the time, all the time.
00:16:46.320 -->
00:16:52.240I was actually just talking to someone last week about um one of the counselors that led group.
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00:17:12.960I um I struggled, which in a way that I think is um not at all unique, with really negative and punitive self-talk, um, where I just had this constant running dialogue that was telling me that everything that I was doing, thinking, or saying was wrong.
00:17:13.200 -->
00:17:28.799Um, I mean, to the extent that um when I stopped using drugs, went into treatment, and had to be in a social situation, my internal dialogue would be like, you're saying it wrong.
00:17:28.880 -->
00:17:32.160You don't know what they're talking about, don't try to jump in, you're terrible at small talk.
00:17:32.240 -->
00:17:33.279What are you doing with your hands?
00:17:33.359 -->
00:17:35.839Your hands are just drifting up from your sides, no one does that.
00:17:36.000 -->
00:17:37.680Put them down, but not in your pockets like that.
00:17:37.759 -->
00:17:38.480You're so weird.
00:17:38.640 -->
00:17:42.400I mean, just constant with very basic things.
00:17:42.640 -->
00:18:01.359But I had this misconception that there were so many, um, there were so many things that I had done that when laid against my own moral compass were objectively wrong, that I thought that it was only right that I beat myself into the ground over them.
00:18:01.519 -->
00:18:06.319Because if I'm not being self-punitive, how will I learn?
00:18:06.640 -->
00:18:17.440And so I was talking about this, you know, I got a lot of messaging at Gulf Rees about get, you know, showing myself some grace and showing some compassion and giving myself a break and a chance to recover.
00:18:17.519 -->
00:18:30.720And I finally said in a group one day, um, if I let myself off the hook, you know, I'm giving myself permission for all these terrible things I've done.
00:18:30.880 -->
00:18:33.599I am beating myself up the way you spank a child.
00:18:33.680 -->
00:18:36.160Like, so I learn better, you know, so I do better.
00:18:36.400 -->
00:18:40.079And the and the the woman leading group said, that's interesting.
00:18:40.240 -->
00:18:41.279I understand that.
00:18:41.599 -->
00:18:43.200How is that working?
00:18:43.920 -->
00:18:47.279And I thought, wow, it hasn't worked at all.
00:18:47.440 -->
00:18:50.799That's been my strategy for so many years, and it's not effective.
00:18:51.039 -->
00:18:56.400Um, and so her terminology was compassionate curiosity.
00:18:56.720 -->
00:19:00.559Could I treat my own thinking and behavior with compassionate curiosity?
00:19:00.720 -->
00:19:03.519Could I pull it out and say, oh, that's so interesting.
00:19:03.759 -->
00:19:04.960Why are we thinking that?
00:19:05.119 -->
00:19:06.079Why are we doing that?
00:19:06.240 -->
00:19:08.319Oh, sweet thing, you've been through so much.
00:19:08.480 -->
00:19:11.119Let's take that out and look at it a little more closely.
00:19:11.440 -->
00:19:19.359And that was so foreign to me that um it took, I mean, it felt very strange and it felt wrong.
00:19:19.519 -->
00:19:20.400It truly felt wrong.
00:19:20.559 -->
00:19:27.359I felt like I was condoning a lot of the negative actions that I had taken, but it's really transformed the way that I moved through my life.
00:19:27.519 -->
00:19:41.680And uh as a matter of fact, I have a little sister who at the time was um like 12 years old, and I would, I would lay my thinking, uh, my internal dialogue into a conversation with her.
00:19:41.920 -->
00:19:57.200And I said, I would think to myself, if my youngest sister came home and said, you know, hey, I walked into this group of people and they were all talking about something, and I was, you know, so self-consumed that, you know, I said something really dumb and they all looked at me.
00:19:57.519 -->
00:20:08.720Would I look at her and be like, yeah, you're an idiot, and they were all laughing at you, and then expect her to be able to move through the world with confidence, motivated towards changed behavior?
00:20:08.880 -->
00:20:09.440I would never.
00:20:09.599 -->
00:20:10.160I would never.
00:20:10.240 -->
00:20:12.640So why was I expecting that of myself?
00:20:13.279 -->
00:20:14.720Really, really good.
00:20:15.039 -->
00:20:15.839Very good.
00:20:16.319 -->
00:20:21.200Tell me, what's the best thing about sobriety in your words?
00:20:21.359 -->
00:20:23.200What's the best outcome?
00:20:23.359 -->
00:20:26.640What's the best two, three, one, whatever it is?
00:20:26.880 -->
00:20:32.960Because I know there's a husband and a daughter that can't be dismissed from this equation.
00:20:33.200 -->
00:20:35.839But what is it for you that's the best thing?
00:20:36.240 -->
00:20:48.240Honestly, I mean, I my husband and my daughter are amazing, but I wouldn't even be able to enjoy them without like all the gifts of recovery that I've gotten, the best ones you can't see.
00:20:48.559 -->
00:21:16.079Um, and it's interesting, the very best thing about recovery is the thing that I was so scared of about life, is this ability to really um feel and dive into the complete range of the human experience, you know, joy and grief and hope and anger and all of the things I get to experience that from the minute I wake up to the moment I go to sleep.
00:21:16.160 -->
00:21:19.440And I was terrified of that, but really like that's the juice of life.
00:21:19.599 -->
00:21:27.839Even like I haven't had I haven't had a 100% easy um journey since since I got out of Gold Breeze.
00:21:28.000 -->
00:21:31.039I um I've lost my grandfather.
00:21:31.359 -->
00:21:40.480Um my husband and I had uh a lot of trouble conceiving our daughter, and we actually lost three pregnancies.
00:21:40.799 -->
00:21:48.799And um I was able to be present and a part of that grief in a way that honored those babies.
00:21:48.960 -->
00:21:49.920You know what I mean?
00:21:50.240 -->
00:21:59.599Like, no, it's not fun to be in that feeling, but that was the feeling that my experience deserved, and there's something.
00:22:00.160 -->
00:22:07.200It's so beautiful in that I got to show up in my own life even when it didn't feel good.
00:22:07.440 -->
00:22:15.119And it's moving through life in that way gives me gives me a sense of self-confidence that I was never able to have before.
00:22:15.279 -->
00:22:23.359And so really, I mean, I think that's that's the key for me in recovery is just um not being afraid of my own experience.
00:22:23.599 -->
00:22:26.559I am comfortable being uncomfortable.
00:22:26.720 -->
00:22:30.160Um and then I'm also here for all the joy.
00:22:30.880 -->
00:22:31.519You're right.
00:22:31.680 -->
00:22:35.200100% clear, conscious, and capable.
00:22:36.799 -->
00:22:38.000That's wonderful.
00:22:38.240 -->
00:22:49.200So having that experience, what would you say to somebody who's struggling and looking for a solution and looking for a rehab or looking for some help?
00:22:49.359 -->
00:22:51.119What would be your guide?
00:22:52.720 -->
00:23:09.519So um I know that when I was using my so I I've heard a lot of people share that they were not really um they hadn't accepted that they had a problem and needed help.
00:23:09.680 -->
00:23:11.200That was not my experience.
00:23:11.440 -->
00:23:21.039My experience was I sat on the floor of my shower at 17 years old crying, trying to decide whether I was gonna take my own life or tell my mom I needed help.
00:23:21.200 -->
00:23:25.279And then I stayed using for a long time after that.
00:23:25.440 -->
00:23:30.319Um, and I knew every single day that I woke up, I swore, okay, we're gonna do it different today.
00:23:30.400 -->
00:23:32.240We're not gonna do the same thing we did yesterday.
00:23:32.319 -->
00:23:34.480And every single day I broke my own heart.
00:23:34.720 -->
00:23:41.359Um, and so I needed no, I needed no coaxing that I needed to get help.
00:23:41.599 -->
00:23:47.440Um for me, it was believing that I was capable of doing anything different.
00:23:47.759 -->
00:23:56.640And so um the idea of going somewhere felt really scary because I thought, what if I do this big thing?
00:23:56.799 -->
00:23:58.079What if I do this hard thing?
00:23:58.240 -->
00:24:01.920What if I go through all this discomfort for nothing?
00:24:02.079 -->
00:24:06.720You know, I'm just I've done this, I've done the same old thing over and over and over again.
00:24:06.880 -->
00:24:08.799What is gonna be different?
00:24:09.119 -->
00:24:12.720Um, and I did not find golf breeze for myself.
00:24:12.799 -->
00:24:18.640I actually had a family member who went through golf breeze um and was very successful.
00:24:18.799 -->
00:24:24.799Uh, and then my mother found out about it through his side of the family.
00:24:25.039 -->
00:24:28.559And um so she said, she said it's different.
00:24:28.640 -->
00:24:30.799It's different than anything that you've ever done.
00:24:31.039 -->
00:24:34.079And if you want something different, you should do something different.
00:24:34.400 -->
00:24:44.000And um I had a really hard time moving into that just because I had no confidence, I had no confidence in myself.
00:24:44.240 -->
00:24:50.880I could not see the finish line, and because I couldn't see the finish line, I had a hard time just getting to the starting line.
00:24:51.119 -->
00:24:58.880Um, but my experience was that I had to leap first, and then the net appeared.
00:24:59.119 -->
00:25:02.720Um, I couldn't wait until I saw the net before I jumped.
00:25:02.960 -->
00:25:20.720And so um for anyone that is considering a change, um the worst thing that could happen, it's not any worse than the day-to-day reality that you're living right now.
00:25:20.960 -->
00:25:22.000It's miserable.
00:25:22.160 -->
00:25:26.960It is absolutely miserable to be a slave to a substance.
00:25:27.359 -->
00:25:33.519And um, I'm not gonna lie, going through detox is uncomfortable.
00:25:33.759 -->
00:25:35.920It wasn't terribly uncomfortable at GBR.
00:25:36.000 -->
00:25:45.920They took really great care of me, but um the uncomfortable part was that I got reacquainted with a self that I decided was not worthy of love or knowing.
00:25:46.079 -->
00:25:53.279And I got to be face to face with this person I've been running from for so long, and and there's a great deal of fear and discomfort there.
00:25:53.599 -->
00:25:56.480But God, she's so worth knowing, you know.
00:25:56.960 -->
00:26:07.440Um it is it is the biggest, bravest, most sacred choice you will ever make in your life.
00:26:07.680 -->
00:26:11.359Um, and sometimes you just have to do it even when it's scary.
00:26:11.920 -->
00:26:12.880Right, right.
00:26:13.039 -->
00:26:18.880I I'm always so impressed with you, Kat, and and what you went through and what you came to.
00:26:19.119 -->
00:26:28.559And when you think about all those years, I mean, really, you were chasing that for far longer than you've been who you are today.
00:26:29.680 -->
00:26:37.920So to give up that practice, that thing, that struggle to do something different is not an easy task.
00:26:38.000 -->
00:26:41.440And I don't, I don't can't, I can't even imagine doing it myself.
00:26:41.599 -->
00:26:42.880I'm so impressed.
00:26:43.200 -->
00:26:49.200But like you said, if you don't do it, what have you got left?
00:26:49.519 -->
00:26:51.039Well, and it's a skill.
00:26:51.200 -->
00:27:03.039Um, it is, I feel like courage is like a muscle, and we get to work that, and and and the experience of doing that at Gulf Breeze has set me up to do that in every other area of my life.
00:27:03.200 -->
00:27:35.440I um I'm not kidding when I said that like the greatest gift of sobriety is is this full and meaningful experience of life, but the lessons that I learned in my the early part of my journey in treatment um have carried me to, you know, I have a family, I have a child, I run a business, I bought a home, you know, we like I have all the things that I thought that were like markers of um success, I got to have all of those, but not without taking risk.
00:27:35.599 -->
00:27:43.440You know, I have there have been opportunities that have come across my path so many times where I've said, I am absolutely scared out of my mind.
00:27:43.519 -->
00:27:49.359I have no idea how to do this next thing, but someone thinks I can do this thing, so I'm gonna leave.
00:27:49.519 -->
00:27:51.279And the net has always appeared.
00:27:51.440 -->
00:27:52.240And you know what?
00:27:52.319 -->
00:27:56.960When it hasn't, and when I have hit the ground, that's where I found my resilience.
00:27:57.119 -->
00:27:58.559Like nothing horrible happened.
00:27:58.640 -->
00:28:01.839I came right back up and got another chance to try something else.
00:28:02.000 -->
00:28:07.039Um, but I never let myself know that until I got clean.
00:28:07.440 -->
00:28:08.240Wonderful.
00:28:08.480 -->
00:28:17.599Now, given you've just had so much stuff that's wonderful for people to have a chance to hear, and I'm so thrilled that you were sharing this.
00:28:17.759 -->
00:28:20.640I I know somebody's gonna get something very positive from this.
00:28:20.799 -->
00:28:21.920I know I am.
00:28:22.160 -->
00:28:33.759Um is there something that you wish you had been able to say that I didn't ask you, or something that you'd want the listener to know from the depths of where you are?
00:28:34.000 -->
00:28:38.000Because you're in so much, you're life isn't easier for you.
00:28:38.079 -->
00:28:39.680You're just in such a good place.
00:28:40.000 -->
00:28:48.480So, what is the thing that you'd want someone to know that you maybe haven't said or said, or you want to say differently?
00:28:49.839 -->
00:29:00.559You know, um, this is not original, and I really like to attribute when I quote things, but I don't know where this came from, so forgive me for that.
00:29:00.960 -->
00:29:08.480But um you will never be able to hate yourself into a version of yourself you can love.
00:29:08.880 -->
00:29:20.400And the most loving thing that anyone who is struggling with addiction can do for themselves is to just set down that burden and let someone else carry it for a minute.
00:29:20.559 -->
00:29:27.039Just reach out for help so that you can sit still for long enough to let all the good stuff soak in.
00:29:27.279 -->
00:29:36.880And so, um, if there is someone watching that's in that self-loathing, that's in that self-hatred, that doesn't know what the next thing is, just reach out.
00:29:37.119 -->
00:29:43.039Just reach out, do something loving for yourself because you are not going to be able to punish yourself better.
00:29:43.200 -->
00:29:45.359You are not going to be able to hate yourself better.
00:29:45.440 -->
00:29:47.039It just doesn't work.
00:29:47.759 -->
00:29:48.799Well, that was perfect.
00:29:48.880 -->
00:29:52.079I'm glad I asked because that was a perfect, perfect close.
00:29:52.240 -->
00:29:56.880Cats thanks so much for the this time, really.
00:29:57.039 -->
00:29:59.920By the way, are you reading anything special right now?
00:30:00.960 -->
00:30:13.039I am reading, actually, I just finished a book and I don't even remember what it's called, but um, I'm actually reading fiction, which is not you know me, I'm always reading the like spiritual books.
00:30:13.200 -->
00:30:22.799Um I did just recently uh do like a third read of Byron Katie Loving What Is, um, which is a great one.
00:30:22.960 -->
00:30:27.279But no, I I am reading, I'm at a lake house right now, one of the gifts of recovery.
00:30:27.359 -->
00:30:29.279I'm on vacation with my family.
00:30:29.440 -->
00:30:33.599Um, and I'm gonna just read some bad fiction.
00:30:33.839 -->
00:30:35.039So I'm with you.
00:30:35.200 -->
00:30:35.759I'm with you.
00:30:35.839 -->
00:30:36.640Like good distraction.
00:30:36.799 -->
00:30:38.880Well, Kat, I'm gonna thank you so much.
