Full Transcript for 790: The Ambitious Procrastinator's Guide to Aging: Chasing Feelings, Not Numbers with Petra Kolber

worry if I have what it takes. I see all the other people of my age either crushing it or that basically have given up and I so it's this, it's this duality of having ambition, but also this idea of questioning, am I good enough? Is it too late? Am I going to be smart enough? I'm going to be able to learn the new technology? And it's recognizing what are the blocks to our ambition, and then looking at what is this idea of procrastination? I often say, you know, sometimes it's good to procrastinate. It's good to delay a little bit. Double test, your idea, you know, work, work, a beta group, double test, all this amazing technology that you bring into the beauty world. Dr Kay, meaning you need to make sure it's going to work before you bring it to the masses. So that's a really good delay. That's a really and then when does that delay move into like it's a lack of courage, it's a lack of confidence, it's a lack of belief. And so it's holding two things to be true at once. And what tools can I give to the people who still have ambition, are not afraid of it, have made peace with it, and would rather the last thing they want is to look at the end of their life, look back and go, Oh, if I just tried that, one thing I That, to me is the biggest failure. Failure to me is not whether it worked out or not perfectly. It's like this idea of not trying for the fear of what other people might think or it might not work out perfectly. That to me is the worst failure of all, getting to the end of our life going, what if I had just tried that? Speaker 1 8:06 I agree. I think that procrastinating sometimes makes I mean, little trivial things that popped into your head. As an ADHD kind of a girl like it allows those things to fall to the side. You get your real focus when you see the the train of thought that sticks with you, but you did write a book the perfection detox, and it tackles one of the biggest problems that many women face, like this perfectionist tendency to be all things perfect in appearance and career and life and as and mothering and Being as a partner. What? What is the perfection detox? How do we do? What inspired you to write it? And then, how do we detox ourselves? Speaker 2 8:47 What inspired me to write it? Dr, Kay was my seven year battle with panic attacks because I thought to be a fitness expert, which I had been, that was given to me. I never said myself, I'm a fitness expert. But you know, I traveled the world. I'd been on television shows, I'd had, I had the social proof, and then Reebok, people were introducing me as a fitness expert. Now go back to when I was 18, even younger, my dance teachers at the time were always telling me, You're not good enough to make it. You'll never be smart, you're not successful enough so this, this inner belief that I needed to be smarter, whatever, I needed to be different than who I was to be worthy of being called, even being on any stage. Never mind being called an expert. I when I was introduced as being called an expert, I thought I needed to be perfect. I thought I needed to look perfect, eat the perfect thing, know the answer to every single question. And so I had anxiety around that. And because I was in the public eye, I never talked about it, because no one was talking about mental health back then. So I pushed it into a box, and I always say, what you don't own will own you. Eventually. So my anxiety grew into panic attacks, and I went into therapy for it. And I think my wake up moment for this book was, I remember I was about to leave a therapy session. We've been trying to parse this apart for years, why I had such panic over this idea of needing to be perfect. And my therapist, I said, Petra, no one connects to perfection. And I was like, oh my goodness, the very thing I want to do with my audience connect, I'm actually distancing myself. So then I had then I was like, okay, so how do I get over this? And what happened was, when I went to school for positive psychology, it all made sense that my brain took on this idea of a threat of needed to be perfect, the very same way that it would take on a threat if I was being chased down the street by a tiger, my brain didn't know the difference between a true a true threat and this perceived threat that I thought I needed to be perfect. And so having that science of the positive psychology, I began to say, oh, there's a formula that we can do and replicate to help other women and a few men move through this idea that perfection is an illusion anyway, and when it and there's nothing wrong, you know, I always say words are just words, that perfection is just a word. To some people, it might not be a problem. They might hear the word, oh yeah, I need this to be perfect, and it's a driver versus something that brings out all their self doubt. But if perfection holds you back from being the best you bringing the most wise, beautiful, joyful version of you into the day. Then let's look at that word and how we can reframe our relationship to it. And then I called it the perfection detox, because, you know, 30 years in the industry of fitness, the word detox is very buzzy, and so it just made sense to kind of pull that, that language in with this idea of, how do we actually come off this idea that we need to show up perfectly? And it's not just a sound bite, you know, we connect in our cracks. Yeah, that's great. But how do you actually believe this and live this on a daily basis, especially as the stakes get higher? Speaker 1 12:16 I think it gives a lot of paralysis, this need for perfectionism. It makes you not want to show up on Instagram, which amplifies your perfectionist tendencies, and you don't want to post anything till it looks perfect and like it just really robs you of your ability to interact, because you're holding back all the time. You're not putting yourself forward in your present state. Like, honestly, I think that's so important to just do version one of

whatever it is you're doing and not be a perfectionist about it. Speaker 2 12:45 And it's so hard because, you know, people get to me, Oh, are you over it? Now I have. I don't think I ever get over it, but I've made I recognize it like I recognize when my inner critic, my judge, Judy, begins to show up. The first thing I think of a recent a recent situation was that can't be more with Shaleen Johnson and I met you and incredible other female speakers. And when Shaleen first asked me, and I saw the other list of females, guess what I did, I went on to Instagram, and I checked, oh, my God, they got so many followers. I only just reached 10k and again right away, but I caught it. I'm like, Patrick, you're not there to compete with these other incredible women. You're there to highlight them. You're here to connect the audience to these incredible speakers. And the minute I catch it, it's just, oh, Petra, you know you we can celebrate our humanness. Catch that little bit of not competition, but recognizing that, what is it in myself that I feel like I'm lacking, and if it's just my social you know, my social media followers, well, shame on me, because you wrote the book, you did the podcast. You know, now I say you learn it to teach it, you live it to preach it. So I had to go back and read my own book and get over myself. Speaker 1 14:04 I love that. Well, what are your go to tools for turning that kind of self doubt into motivation? Because it happens to all of us, this feeling of imposter syndrome, or I'm not good enough, and what am I doing, putting myself out there. How do you what tools do you use when you feel that crisis? Speaker 2 14:21 Yeah, that's a great question. Here's what I believe, whether it's imposter syndrome, whether it's perfection, whatever it is, whatever that thought is that feeling, because we all label it differently, but it's that thing, that feeling, that keeps you from trusting yourself, from showing up, the thing that makes you second guess yourself. That is the only place that can happen, is if we are worrying about what we just said, what we just did, or we are worrying about what could happen, what we could say, what we could do when we're in the present moment, the worries, the doubts, the anxieties this there is no room. There. So one of the quickest things we can do, if you're listening right now and you feel up that little, that common idea about yourself, whether it's I need to be perfect, I should say the perfect thing. I'm too old, I'm too young, I'm I always say, Hey, first of all, what is your er, I should be smarter. I should be younger. I should be healthier. I should be thinner. I should be wealthier. What is your earn notice? What is that false belief that was probably not even yours to begin with? It was given to you. And the minute you feel those self doubts starting, I invite you to stop it. S, T, O, P, stand up if you're sitting, move your body in some way, because that shakes your that makes your brain aware, like, oh, something's going to change here. T, Take a walk, move to another room if you can, get out into nature for five minutes, fantastic. Then pause and O, observe your surroundings. What can you see? What can you smell? What can you taste? What can you hear, and then P pick a positive thought, even if you don't believe it, just it's starting to rewire your brain, and it snaps you out of that rumination, that self doubt, because when you're using any of your senses, you're in the present moment. So one of the fastest ways to get out of that rumination, that doubt, that just a spin of loop of worry and self hatred, and why am I here and I'm not good enough? It's literally stop. And that is a very powerful exercise that anyone can do. It takes less than a minute, and it can really just stop that reframing of all that you think you're not into, remembering all that you are. Speaker 1 16:40 I think that's so true. I think that movement, like, gets you out of your head, for sure. I think that's a great tip for people who suffer from a bit of anxiety, or like, if you when I'm feeling tense, I just need to go for a very long walk, and somehow, by the end of it, you feel so much better. It takes you out of your head. You feel like I'm a small element in this big world of nature. And you know, the planet around us like your microcosm, and you're letting all of this like getting in your own head. So I think that, yeah, is great. Speaker 2 17:11 And one of the worst places for our self doubt is sitting and having when those emails come in, when we're doing our texts, half the time we're sitting. So even just standing up and shaking your body and taking a walk. It just it. It just allows our brain to say, what would a wise person do in this moment? And that's another thing we could ask ourselves, what a wise person do in this moment? What would my or what would my future self thank me for for doing in this moment exactly. Speaker 1 17:40 Now, you work with 1000s of people, what's the most common thing, like, the most common limiting belief that people have? And are there some mindset shifts that you can, you know, recommend to us that can help us get out of our heads and instantly elevate your mood, your perception, your mindset? Speaker 2 17:58 Yeah, I think the biggest one we've seen recently is the imposter syndrome. And either you know what that is, you go, Oh my God, that's me, or very few people might go, I have no idea what that is. And I'm seeing more and more of that. In fact, my latest keynote is around the imposter syndrome. And so I think what I'd love people to think about that is we, we have, I feel, personally, we have mislabeled that. I think feeling like an imposter is a beautiful thing, because it only shows up when you're about to step into the next level of your greatness, of whatever it is that you want to do when you're in your comfort zone, the imposter syndrome never shows up. And so I think

the first thing I want people to think about is a you're not alone. Over 70 that you know, 70% of Americans feel like an imposter. Some of the time, most of the people you admire, the creators, the poets, the authors, the geniuses, Lady Gaga, Tom Hanks, Maya Angelou, just to name a few, say they feel like an imposter. And for me, if we can use it as a signal like, Oh, this is a signal that I'm about to do something that a I'm scared about because I care about it, versus a signal to stop. I think imposter syndrome. Impostor feel like an imposter is a signal that you need to keep going. You need to lean into it. And the only reason you feel like an imposter is because you haven't done this thing, or you haven't stepped into this next level of your genius, of your greatness yet. And if you never feel like an imposter, nothing wrong in that. But it probably also means you're not stretching yourself, you're not taking yourself out of the comfort zone. You're not and so for me, it's like, how can we relabel and look at it as a sign to keep going, versus a signal to stop? And once again, one of the greatest ways to do that is to come into the present moment, use that stop acronym and use it as a signal. Like, who will I be? You know, who? Am I becoming on this journey? Take it. Take the goal away from is this next thing that I want to do going to work out perfectly? Who cares? But who am I going to become along the way? How am I going to grow? How am I going to challenge myself? How am I going to become more resilient? How am I going to learn more about myself by stepping into this next level. And one of my favorite I'm going to ruin it a little bit. Pema children says fear is a natural reaction to getting closer to your truth. So imposter syndrome brings up fear. It just is a signal that you're getting closer to the things that really matter to you. So keep going. Speaker 1 20:43 That's so true. It's like, I guess you feel that when you're about to level up, you're not quite sure that you can hit that next level, but you can, hopefully you can. You have so much resilience, and maybe the audience doesn't know, but we mentioned that you're a two time cancer survivor. How has that shaped your outlook on life and beauty and aging process and conquering things? Speaker 2 21:08 You know, I wish I could be honestly, sit here today, today and say, I never worry about what I look like anymore, because I face death, you know, very dramatic, but I had melanoma early on in my career, but it was interesting because it's on my foot, and it was in the height of my fitness career. So it was so interesting. And I had two dermatologists say there was nothing wrong, but I just had a spidey sense, and so thank goodness. So that was the day we had to go in, like an inch to my foot. That was so interesting that it showed up there. But then I had Hodgkin's lymphoma when I was about 38 now I gotta say, I think during the treatment, I did my not my best living, but some of my fear, most fearless living. I had shaved my head. I was still teaching step classes. I would have chemo on a Monday. I would teach step on a Tuesday. Because really, at that point, what was there to fear? You know, I had for there was a while that we didn't know what the second cancer was. There was a lump on my neck, and they were, they weren't sure. They thought it was going to be a lymphoma, but they weren't sure if it had been the melanoma that had come back. So there was, like, two weeks, and I really was facing, like, we don't know what this is. So when I got the news, it was Hodgkin's that you're going to be fine. Like, very little sympathy for my doctors. So during that time, I would say I was pretty fearless, and I had zero anxiety attacks, zero panic attacks during that time, and they came back later. But then, you know, the further you get away from that, and I'm so grateful that I'm like, you know, 62 so so far out from that life. It does take me time to remember that what a gift just being here is and and it often, you know, I think so for so many of us, it takes a crisis or seeing another friend go through a really hard time or or a global crisis, for us to suddenly remember the gift of the extraordinary in the ordinary day. So I'm as guilty as most people of forgetting how blessed I am just to be able to wake up, you know, and feel good in my body and live by the ocean and do work that I love, you know. And sometimes I take that for granted. So shame on me. And then I need to do the work that I also teach, just to get out in nature and remember there's a big world out there. And I think for me, my my, one of my goals is to just, how can I help people remember the best of who they are? And so just, you know, I would love to say, honestly, that I'm a changed human, yeah, no, I'm not. I'm just, I struggle like everybody else, but I'm grateful for the incredible doctors and the science out there that, you know, cancers, know, for many of us, is no longer a death sentence, you know, unfortunately for some, some of my friends, it has been. But, you know, it's a wake up call, and I need to remember, remember those moments, sometimes with a the with a deeper sense of gratitude. Yeah. Speaker 1 24:07 I mean, it does put everything in perspective. And like you said, Is there anything to fear when you've really faced that fear of death and mortality and like, it's everyone is going to be impacted by cancer at some with some person in their lives, or hopefully not themselves. But it is kind of just a consequence of living longer. So yeah, Speaker 2 24:28 and to that point though, Dr Kay, once I when I heard that word, you have cancer, not for once, I were like, how much do I weigh? What do I look like? It came to my mind. What I remember this to this day. I had this thought, like, I just want to live long enough because I don't feel like I've loved in the way that I can. I still remember that. I don't know what that meant. I

that was, but it wasn't. How much did I weigh this morning? What's I look like? How many wrinkles did I have? You know, it's just interesting to. Things that I think it highlights the one thing it does do. It highlights what is truly, what truly matters in those moments. Speaker 1 25:07 It really does. It puts the full focus back on your, you know, you and your perspective of what's important in life. I think women are taught to make themselves small, like, lose weight, be tiny, don't take up space. Like, just fit in and just, you know, be perfect. Be little Barbie doll. And then, like, I love that more women are just letting go of that. Like, yeah, you know, be strong. Have muscles. Just kind of like, be present. Take up space. That's really important. If you could go back and tell your younger self one piece of advice, what would it be? Speaker 2 25:44 Well, it would be two. It'd be like, don't take life quite so seriously. And it doesn't need to be perfect. You don't need to be perfect to be worthy. Speaker 1 25:54 Very true, very true. And does the same thing apply for like, advice for after menopause, how you know, biggest impacts thoughts going forward. It's almost like a redefining point in your life where you get an opportunity to reinvent yourself. Speaker 2 26:09 Yeah, I, you know, I think, and I love, you know, the fact that we're at Camp be more together, and the work you, you know, you do with women in all stages of their lives. And you know the women at that particular event, you know, 30s, well, 40s, 50s and 60s. I went out, you know, I'm on the other side of menopause, and I'm huge advocate for hormone replacement therapy, let me tell you. But I think, you know, we, we get to decide what age means. We get to decide what, what does that mean anyway? And for me, it's, it's, if you can chase the feeling versus the number, how do you want to feel? And if that involves surgery or not, Botox or not, who cares? Do whatever makes you feel better, but it's do it for yourself, not for anybody else. Has to be for you. And then whatever it is, whatever it does, whatever allows you to show up, regardless of what the number on your driver's license says, you know, because you'll go through menopause at different stages. Menopause, like you say, is a sign we could use it as a beautiful reset. You know, this is now your time. How are you going to use it? How are you going to use it? What would a wise person doing this moment. And I think the biggest thing I would offer to your listeners is we get a choice. We can either look behind back and go, Oh, my God, my best years are ahead of behind me. You know, my youth is behind me, or I now have all this wisdom and I choose to take care of myself, my body, my mental health, my my whatever. So I've got these best years ahead of me, so I can bring this wisdom into these years yet to be lived. But at the end of the day, it's a choice, and I really believe the thing that is going to age us

more than anything is our mental view on aging. It depends how you look at it, and no one, no podcast, no TV show, no YouTube video. You have to make that deep choice for yourself and go. I choose to celebrate who I am at this age, take care of my body, whatever you want to do to it's up to you, but it's a choice. Speaker 1 28:19 Very true. I think that's so true. I love that concept of, maybe this is your turn. Reinvent Yourself. It's definitely not. You don't need to look backwards. I think the only time we're upset about age is when we actually think about the number, because that number has all this psychology behind it and all of these social stereotypings And like, I just want to be you know, I'm gonna stay 40 forever. Speaker 2 28:42 But the good news, I mean, and here's the interesting thing, your brain, I mean, this is, this is science. This is not Woo, woo, if you and it's not necessarily text to your view of aging, but I think a little bit has to be the if you have a more positive outlook on life, more joy, more happiness, you choose to see more of the good than the negative, and that's gonna include your age too. If you choose to look at your age, it's like, hey, look, I'm here. I'm healthy. I've got all this, you know, wisdom behind me that I can bring into my next part of this beautiful gift, how you view life can determine it can add more life to your years and years to your life, up to seven years. This is work done about in the blue zone. Blue Zones by Dan Buettner, Ellen Langer, there is science that how you view your life and yourself that will include aging can actually not only make your life more enjoyable, but add more years for you to enjoy them. Speaker 1 29:35 So true. Okay, well, let's finish with some signature insights about Petra. What's one beauty or self care ritual that you personally never skip sunscreen? Yeah, oh, yes. As a melanoma survivor, that took me long enough to figure that out, yes, and then okay? Besides sunscreen, everyone, everyone has to Speaker 2 29:54 do their sunscreen. Okay? Sleep. Really, prioritizing sleep? Speaker 1 29:58 Yeah, that's a day. Fronts, I think, for women, because for so long, like you're in your 20s, you don't worry about sleep when you have children, you never can sleep. And then it takes a while to get into good sleep, like understanding how you feel wonderful the next day and Speaker 2 30:12 and I think, not feeling guilty, like this whole idea, right? You can sleep when you're dead. I mean, it's take I know that. Thank goodness, the conversation is changing. But even now, I'm thinking, Yeah, you know, if I could just get up earlier and that I could do crush more things in the day, but recognizing that my body really feels at its best eight hours sleep and also not eating too close to sleep. And really, one other thing, I really look at my sugar. Oh, my body does not like sugar, so my brain doesn't like sugar, so just noticing that how it changes my state of being too. Speaker 1 30:48 I like that and any supplements or other health kicks that you're doing. I am Speaker 2 30:54 so bad with supplements. I really am. Speaker 1 30:59 So I take, you know, okay, as long as you're eating, great. Speaker 2 31:03 No, I eat well, I do eat. Well, I don't drink. I gave up alcohol like seven years ago. I'd say my diet is, like, really pretty, pretty healthy, but I got it. No, there are a couple supplements that are probably in my cupboard that thank you for the reminder. Don't follow me. I'm gonna follow Dr Kay on that one, not on me. Speaker 1 31:23 So, yeah, well, I wish I could get motivated to do like, I know I need to do strength training this year, and I'm trying, but somehow I don't know I need to, like, get over some hurdle I have in my head. What's your advice for me? Because I know I need to do it. I'm actually kind of doing it, but I'm not committed. I can tell I give myself permission to flake too often. Speaker 2 31:44 What should I do? No, you know what? That's a great because I've been struggling with that too, like I've been walking with my weighted vest, like twice a day, morning and night, you know? But again, I just for me, what's I just joined a local, a very kind of a hardcore weight training gym, again, because again, I was doing a lot of weight training at home. But for my legs, I need to go heavy. And so for me, what motivate what helps motivate me is, don't do it feed the present. You do it for future. You we know the science is is out there, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that what's going to keep us young and able to you know you've worked so hard, so when you get into the years that maybe you want to travel more, you want to be around your grandkids, whatever it is you want to do, we always you know, health is wealth. We say it's like such lip service. But if our bones are not strong, if our muscles are not strong, that one trip and fall could change the rest of our life. So for me now it's a non negotiable. Listen, I can I'm the first person I like. For someone who made their living for 30 years in fitness, I struggled, just as everybody else does. But for me now it's become like, if I don't do this now, it's become to the point where I know in five years from now who I am, it's up to me. It's a choice. There's going to be a vital Petra, or there's going to be a Petra who's worrying about tripping and falling. So for me, when I really am struggling, I'm like, don't do it for today, because you'll always come up with an excuse future. You. 65 Petra, 70 year old. Petra. What is she going to be thanking you for? It's not sitting on the sofa. It's not even walk, do one walk and then get your butt in the gym. So I'm with you. I think what can help people is don't do it for you now, because we can always come up with an excuse. Five year you 50 year old. You 55 what is she going to want? Want for you to say yes to Speaker 1 33:42 so true. It's like you're always like, there's a fork in the road you can go towards frailty or vitality, and it's going to happen, like, you have to just pick the right road to take. But it's yeah, it's easy offend of a long, hard day to just give yourself permission to flake out. So I'm going to work on that messaging. I love it. Very motivating. Where can listeners learn more about you and your coaching programs and your book? Speaker 2 34:07 Well, my book, you can find on Amazon. It's on Audible too, if you want to hear a person with a British accent trying to say perfectionistic over and over again. I was like, tried to do the audio for that book. I was like, Oh my goodness. You can find me on social media everywhere, just my name Petra culber, P, E, T, R, A, K, o, l, B, E, R, and my website is Petra culber.com Speaker 1 34:29 Well, you're an absolute delight. You radiate energy and joy. And I just had such a great time getting to know you. I'm so glad the audience got to hear some of this so they can help work on their inner perfectionists and procrastination tendencies. Thank you again. Petra, that was a delight. And guys, don't forget to check out our Instagram. You can find me on my instagram. It's Beauty by Dr Kay, D, R, K, a, y, and our website is the same Beauty by Dr kay.com and that's where you can find our new skin lawn. Chevity wellness line. I'm so excited it's going to launch, coming up soon, and there are ingredients in there like peptides and elastin collagen stimulators and brand new mitochondrial boosters with NAD precursors. It's all the things you're hearing about, but Petra, I'm going to definitely send you some hope you'll love it, and don't forget to check it out, guys, that's it for now. Find us here every Tuesday for a longer podcast, and on Fridays, we do a five minute Friday. Hope you'll subscribe, rate and review the podcast, and find Petra on her socials. She is really inspiring, and I hope to see you again at future conferences. That's it for now. Guys, stay beautiful. You you. Transcribed by https://otter.ai