Unpacking the Elephant

WEBVTT
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Hey guys, what's up?
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I'm Greg.
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I hope you guys are ready to unpack and get into some good conversations today.
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And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast, Baggage Claim.
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Thank you for joining us.
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What's up, Baggage Claim?
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How's everybody doing out there today?
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Thank you for taking the time to join us as we jump into some fun topics.
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Baggage Claim is a place where we create some community, hopefully, and some conversations around blended families, marriages, relationships, and maybe a lot of fun stuff in between.
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So welcome.
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If you call Baggage Claim your podcast, your thing, you know what to do, grab your favorite drink, pull up to the table.
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I can tell you it's a Saturday and we're recording, so it could be a little off the wall, could be a little crazy, different than usual, and that's okay.
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Usually we're here at like 10 o'clock at night recording.
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Now we get just midday Saturday.
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Yeah, it's midday Saturday.
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So it's it's gonna be fun.
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But I have a question for you for you two, producer Michael and uh Miss Jess Suka.
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I don't know.
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When you go to school, they call you a different name, and I call you Jess.
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They call me by my last name.
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It's Miss Peck.
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Yeah, it's just weird.
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Miss Peck, our uh Mr.
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Johnson.
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It is so weird.
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So hard for me.
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How do you eat an elephant?
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One bite at a time.
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That's exactly what we're gonna do today.
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We're going to eat an elephant.
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And I'm gonna teach you how one step at a time.
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Um, some and so the idea is we're talking about what we call the elephant in the room.
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Now there's lots of elephants and lots of different things.
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There are a lot of different things.
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And elephants are cool.
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They're just really cool.
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If the ones in the room, I have to do it.
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Oh, I saw a picture of that.
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I mean that's some deep Facebook stalking.
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You showed it to me weird.
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I did, okay.
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That's like from 10 years ago.
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So there's there's all kinds of weird things with elephants, like there's funcui of enough elephants in your room, if it's facing inward, outward, the decorative elephants.
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Good luck, it's bad luck.
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If there's two elephants facing the door, yeah.
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So there's all kinds of stuff with that.
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We're gonna talk about the ideas, we're gonna talk about the obvious thing in blended families that we don't talk about.
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And so we just, you know, those things that are out there that we know we should address, we should talk about, but we never really do uh in blended families.
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We're gonna get into some reasons of why we do that, why we don't do that, some some ways of how do we attack this elephant and eat it?
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Not say we're slow down, Peter.
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We're not promoting eating elephants on on our podcast.
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That is not the frame of this.
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Um, but the idea is that we can conquer this really big topic, really big subject, one step at a time.
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So before we get into that, we want to talk about.
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Did you know, this is a little fun fact for you guys, because I'm all about fun facts.
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The 7% of luggage goes unclaimed every year.
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That's close to 1.8 million bags in the world are lost around the world every single year.
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Okay, first off, the fact that 7% is 1.8.
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Did you say million or million?
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Yeah, I think it's million.
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It could be either way.
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Let me look just to make sure.
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Yeah, you got the glasses everywhere.
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Thank you.
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For my blind self, and it is gone.
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I don't know where it's at.
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All right.
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Yo talks amongst yourselves while I Google that again.
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The fact that seven percent is one point million anything.
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That's why I said in the word.
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You know, I was thinking like pounds or you know, you're talking about weight, but simply the fact that it's 1.7 million bags, that's insane.
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Yeah, that's a lot of bags.
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And that's just within one year?
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No, I say U.S.
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uh airline was roughly two million bags.
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U.S.
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airlines.
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This is in America.
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Um merchandise roughly a year, while globally air carriers mishandle around 36 million bags annually.
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So a lot.
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That's a lot.
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And that's only 7%?
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No, that was a different.
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Okay, U.S.
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rate roughly 5.5 or six bags are mishandled per thousand passengers domestically.
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Globally, it's six point three bags per thousand passengers.
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I mean success rate's ninety-nine point three percent.
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That's pretty good.
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So most of you people are getting your boat luggage.
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But still, if you've been on that, what, 0.7% of life, it's rough.
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So we were on a trip, we were supposed to go to um Mexico and we flew the good old what was that?
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Frontier.
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Frontier.
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Frontier.
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Yes, yes, it was Frontier.
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Do not fly Frontier uh International.
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No, I can clearly say no.
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It's like I will gladly say that.
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Yeah, I will gladly endorse, don't do that.
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Well, we and a bunch of our other friends went to the international terminal at Atlanta because it's an international flight.
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Right.
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Well, Frontier doesn't have an international terminal, and they don't tell you that.
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So we're so we finally get the bus, we get back over there.
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Well, the time we get over there, we're waiting in line.
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I tell the guy, hey, we're flying to Mexico, here's where we're at, our flight leaves here.
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And he goes, just get in line.
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I was like, but our flights about.
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He goes, just get in line.
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So I get in line.
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Time we get up to the counter, she goes, Oh, I'm sorry, we're not boarding that flight anymore.
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It's already done.
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Well, I've been standing in your line for 35 minutes.
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And we literally have tickets for it.
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How did you fill it up when you're there was like a dozen of us standing there with seats for that?
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And so along there was a bunch of other people that did the same thing as us, and they were behind us.
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So I can hear the uh colorful language coming from down the aisle of people banging the desk.
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And so I took a different approach.
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Mm-hmm.
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Like this sweet lady, and I was like, ma'am, she goes, We can't.
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I was like, what's the fastest way for me to get to Mexico from right now?
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What's the quickest way?
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And she on her little computer and she goes, I can have you tomorrow tomorrow.
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I can have you there tomorrow at eleven in the morning.
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Yes, okay, I'll do that.
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What do I have to do?
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You have to go to Denver tomorrow.
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Go to Denver right now.
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Like it's leaving in uh less than an hour.
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Can you do that?
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And I was look- I looked there and I was like, Absolutely.
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And so I looked at Jez, I was like, get what you need out of your bag.
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And I'm panic stricken.
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I don't do well with surprises like that.
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So I just froze like a deer in headlights.
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I was like, get what you need.
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And then we're gonna we're we're going to Denver tonight.
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And so we literally Meanwhile, we had already checked our luggage.
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Our luggage was in Never Neverland.
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Yeah, it's already gone.
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All we had was our little bag to carry on.
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Yeah, so we Hang on.
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So you'd already checked luggage at this point.
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Yes.
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Yes.
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Well, no, at that point we could take our luggage, but she said, here, get what you need out of your luggage.
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I'm gonna check it.
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It's gonna be in Mexico waiting on you.
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That's right.
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She says you can't go to Denver with you.
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And I was like, I forgot about that.
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Fine.
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So we get what we need.
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She checks it, goes.
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So I'm getting on the phone trying to figure out, hey, oh, because we had a transfer from our airport to our place.
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I'm getting all that sorted out.
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And then I get on the I get on the World Wide Web, thank goodness for internet.
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And I was like, if we're in Denver airport, where can we stay?
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And it's like, oh, there's several hotels that run shuttles from the airport to their hotel.
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There's no hotels at the end of the day.
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Denver is in the middle of the house.
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It's in the middle of nowhere.
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Literally in the middle of nowhere.
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It's like they went out in the middle of the desert and built that airport.
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There's a lot of conspiracy.
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I've never had to sing over the night at Denver.
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But we had this idea because Georgia was playing and we were traveling.
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So I was like, let's have a beer from every single bar in a Denver airport before we catch our hotel.
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I don't think there were that many.
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Oh, there's a lot of things.
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There's more than you think.
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There's more than you think.
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But we we had an iPad and we had the Georgia game on because we I mean, thank goodness the YouTube TV, because it goes wherever you do.
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We're watching the Georgia game.
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We had crowds of people, which is crazy.
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There were Georgia fans at Denver Airport.
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Yeah, we made friends everywhere.
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We were chitting on, watching the watching the game.
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And we yeah, we turned it into a fun atmosphere.
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The problem was it was 30 degrees in Denver.
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We were dressed for Mexico.
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Yeah, I was going to the beach.
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So needless to say, that was a really crazy travel baggage thing.
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We wound up getting there.
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We crashed, we get to the airport, and we're all we're all good the next.
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When we got to Mexico by 11 o'clock, and our luggage was there waiting on us.
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I was thoroughly surprised.
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I did not think we were going to get the stuff.
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We're going to hit up the gift shop when we get to Cancun.
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I was like, all I need is a t-shirt and a bathing suit, and we're good to go.
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So but we I say all that and we tell the story simply because this is some heavy baggage that we're trying to unpack here.
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I mean, these are some big, big subjects.
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These are big topics.
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And so I understand if this is hard.
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Um, I understand if these are conversations that are awkward to have, but they're worth having.
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I can tell you that.
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So we're going to talk about that elephant in the room when it comes to the blended family, because so many times in a blended family, we want to treat it like it's a normal family, but it's really not the normal family.
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Yeah.
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Uh there's a big difference.
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I won't say a big difference.
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There are distinct differences of what that is.
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And so the elephant in uh for us is going to be so many blended families don't even like to address the fact that they're a blended family.
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Uh they don't they they just don't say that, uh, which is it's interesting to me.
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I get the idea.
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I know why you don't.
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There's a negative connotation to it.
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Yeah.
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And every but the crazy part is is that it's it used to be this really weird outlier.
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If you're in a blended family, you were different from everybody else.
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But that's becoming w the norm now of there's a lot of blended family.
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You meet people all the time and come to find out they're like, oh, they're blended family also.
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Cool.
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That's awesome.
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Now, why did you never tell me that?
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Yeah.
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And you just you just don't know.
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So we're gonna address the topic of why do we not address that?
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And then what are the pitfalls for that?
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What are the well, you know, what can happen because of that, but what are the goods of it?
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And because it may feel like we're talking out of two sides of our mouth to today.
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I don't want it to be that way.
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I'm not trying to be hypocritical.
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I'm trying this, I'm just saying there's a lot of baggage here, and sometimes it's so difficult to unpack that it seems complicated.
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Yeah.
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In in my opinion, like hearing what we've talked about and preparing for this, is you can have so many, whether you want to call it guidelines, filters, the way you say things, the way you treat things.
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Um, it can be very, very important, but not always is it a one size fits all.
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Correct.
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Um we were talking before and just the idea of this concept before we even chose it.
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And I just got to thinking like many times it's the heart behind what you do more than it is following a set of guidelines.
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Right.
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And when you do that, because the reality, like the world is not black and white, it's not.
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There's a lot of vague areas, there's a lot of um gray areas in that sense to say, okay, well, what do you do when you hit those kind of moments?
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Okay, well, it's the heart behind it.
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What do you want the end goal to be?
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What are you going after?
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Right.
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And so I think that as you say that, yeah, there's some things that may sound like you're speaking out both sides of your mouth, but at the same time, when you look at the heart and the goal that you're going after, it's still consistent.
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Yeah.
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And so I think this conversation helps define how you balance that and how you set your guidelines and how you set the heart behind it.
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Yeah.
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And you gotta have goals.
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You gotta have some goals and some some things you're heading for with your blended family.
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Like you gotta have those in your family.
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You gotta have them in your family, period.
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Whether you're blended or not, it's very important because if you're not, if you don't have anything to aim at, what are you gonna hit?
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What are you doing?
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Yeah, what are you wearing?
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Well, what's the saying?
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Like the Chinese proverbs is like you uh if you're not aiming at the target, you'll miss it every time.
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Right.
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Yeah.
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So I mean it's just it's one of those silly, simple kind of truths, but it's so real.
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Um so we want to talk about the the normal family comparison.
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Like, um, do you have do you have something you want to read for us?
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I do.
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Um it's a little bit deeper insight to when we were discussing this earlier.
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Um, is this a fundamentally a measurement problem?
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Most people don't grow up with a mental model for what a healthy blended family looks like.
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They grow up with a mental model of a first marriage, nuclear family absorbed from their childhood, media, and culture.
00:12:01.840 --> 00:12:15.600
When a blended family doesn't match that model, like holidays split across households or a kid who calls two people mom or a stepparent who isn't sure what authority they have, that gap gets read as a failure rather than a difference.
00:12:15.840 --> 00:12:18.240
And that misreading is what drives the hiding.
00:12:18.399 --> 00:12:24.159
Families aren't just avoiding the label, they're avoiding the discomfort of being measured against a standard that was never built for them.
00:12:24.879 --> 00:12:33.679
So comparing yourself in a blended family and comparing that with a, you know, I don't know, traditional is not even a how you would describe it.
00:12:33.919 --> 00:12:35.039
A nuclear family anymore.
00:12:35.360 --> 00:12:38.559
Yeah, I don't even know what you call normal family or nuclear family.
00:12:42.320 --> 00:12:45.120
Like measurement system or whatever.
00:12:45.440 --> 00:12:54.879
But it's even like a lot of people who are in marriage, like you came out of a marriage, uh, you had rhythms, you had routines, you had language you used, uh, you and then I did too.
00:12:55.039 --> 00:13:05.679
I was married for 14 years, we had rhythms, languages, things we did, and then all of a sudden we find ourselves in this blended family when it's like, okay, do we bring those along?
00:13:05.759 --> 00:13:06.720
Do we not bring those along?
00:13:06.799 --> 00:13:07.360
Do we lose those?
00:13:07.440 --> 00:13:08.080
Do we grab them?
00:13:08.480 --> 00:13:11.759
Like it was very confusing as to what we do.
00:13:12.159 --> 00:13:19.200
Uh uh and and it it really is I mean, a lot of people do feel it just view it as as failure.
00:13:19.919 --> 00:13:27.600
Um I this was a huge struggle for me when I first uh got divorced because I was involved in the the church, a church.
00:13:28.240 --> 00:13:36.320
Um for a long time I was made to feel like I was less than because I didn't figure out a way to make my marriage work.
00:13:36.799 --> 00:13:42.240
Like that was an issue to where it was like you should have you know you should have stayed no matter what, you should have done this.
00:13:42.320 --> 00:13:46.639
And so it was a lot of guilt and it was hard and it was frustration.
00:13:46.720 --> 00:13:49.200
You didn't feel welcome because you feel like, oh, you're a failure.
00:13:49.519 --> 00:13:58.320
Well then so many times we take that into the the marriage or the relationship that we marry into and we see if it's not just like what we had in the in the past.
00:13:58.960 --> 00:13:59.679
It's still a failure.
00:14:00.159 --> 00:14:01.679
Yeah, it's like no, it's not like that.
00:14:01.759 --> 00:14:06.799
And that's a I mean, that's a hard thing to to overcome and to deal with so many times.
00:14:07.440 --> 00:14:12.799
Because what are some of the things you deal we deal with in that you never dealt with before?
00:14:13.679 --> 00:14:15.200
Well, sharing children.
00:14:15.519 --> 00:14:15.679
Yeah.
00:14:16.080 --> 00:14:23.360
I mean, that was the number one thing and uh sharing a schedule with uh you know, another family when she got remarried.
00:14:23.759 --> 00:14:29.679
We had like just sharing our time and not being able to just uh plan our life with our kids.
00:14:30.240 --> 00:14:31.840
Yeah, everything was planned.
00:14:32.159 --> 00:14:32.559
Everything.
00:14:33.120 --> 00:14:34.639
Every single thing was planned.
00:14:34.799 --> 00:14:35.360
I do remember that.
00:14:36.720 --> 00:14:41.200
Yes, it was so much communication that it it's like if you didn't communicate, you're doomed to fail.
00:14:41.279 --> 00:14:42.639
So we had to overcommunicate.
00:14:43.279 --> 00:14:45.120
I remember one thing that was a huge deal.
00:14:45.279 --> 00:14:50.320
It became it was a huge deal at one point, but we wrestled it to the ground was uh clothes sharing.
00:14:50.399 --> 00:14:50.720
Clothes.
00:14:50.879 --> 00:14:51.279
Oh my gosh.
00:14:51.600 --> 00:14:55.679
Clothes were if you're in a blended family, you know it's one of those things you never deal with really.
00:14:56.000 --> 00:15:07.360
You may in a marriage, like if your friends go, but like you buy your kid clothes, you buy them, they they want this favorite pair of jeans, you buy them those jeans, those shoes, they go to their other parents for the week.
00:15:07.679 --> 00:15:08.399
And it never comes back.
00:15:08.720 --> 00:15:10.559
They show back up without those clothes.
00:15:10.799 --> 00:15:13.200
So then you're like, okay, how do I handle this?
00:15:13.440 --> 00:15:15.759
Like, um, hey, we bought those.
00:15:15.840 --> 00:15:17.440
Yeah, I just forgot them over there.
00:15:17.600 --> 00:15:19.440
Well, then it's like when do they go back over there?
00:15:19.600 --> 00:15:20.240
It's been another week.
00:15:20.720 --> 00:15:23.039
I mean, they're again, they're kids.
00:15:23.120 --> 00:15:24.879
Yeah, they they're gonna forget things.
00:15:24.960 --> 00:15:26.639
And so it's like, I can't hold them.
00:15:26.720 --> 00:15:30.720
It's not a personal attack on you to um be that.
00:15:30.879 --> 00:15:36.720
Our kids started doing that, and what we try to do is like when they brought clothes over, be like, hey, is this your mom's stuff?
00:15:36.960 --> 00:15:40.080
And they would wash it, fold it up and put it right back in their bag.
00:15:40.159 --> 00:15:43.279
I got them these big bags to try to help.
00:15:43.759 --> 00:15:46.159
She got bags and monogram them, of course.
00:15:46.399 --> 00:15:46.960
Duh.
00:15:47.200 --> 00:15:52.639
But um we would try, like, you know, you brought this like I would know what I did and didn't purchase for the kids.
00:15:52.720 --> 00:15:56.799
So I would wash it, fold it, put it back in their bags so they it they took it with them.
00:15:56.960 --> 00:15:57.200
Yes.
00:15:57.440 --> 00:16:00.799
Because I wanted to respect what she had spent money on too.
00:16:01.120 --> 00:16:02.879
Um, but that was very hard.
00:16:03.200 --> 00:16:05.440
A lot of times that does not go both ways.
00:16:05.600 --> 00:16:05.759
No.
00:16:06.000 --> 00:16:10.639
That's one of those things in a normal marriage you don't deal with uh from time to time.
00:16:10.799 --> 00:16:14.559
So there's lots of those things that are out there, but they're not failures.
00:16:14.720 --> 00:16:19.039
Like it's not a failure because you don't get to spend every Christmas together.
00:16:19.279 --> 00:16:23.039
Christmas may come on New Year's, I mean not New Year's, but I mean it came.
00:16:23.279 --> 00:16:23.840
I mean it could, yeah.
00:16:24.080 --> 00:16:26.480
Yeah, it's kind of sometimes it's just like you pack it all in there.
00:16:26.639 --> 00:16:31.840
It's just it's about the day uh for us, it's it became more about the time, not the date.
00:16:32.080 --> 00:16:32.240
Yeah.
00:16:32.559 --> 00:16:34.639
Uh whatever that time is is what the date was.
00:16:34.799 --> 00:16:44.080
So And it's kind of like when you were talking about like you, you guys had, you know, your rhythm, your you know, way you did things, and then I did too in my family.
00:16:44.159 --> 00:16:46.720
Uh it's not like a copy-paste template.
00:16:47.039 --> 00:16:48.639
Like it it can't be.
00:16:48.879 --> 00:16:49.120
No.
00:16:49.440 --> 00:16:50.639
It just literally cannot be.
00:16:51.039 --> 00:16:52.240
No, not at all.
00:16:52.639 --> 00:16:56.639
And there's language we use in our house that we would not use out in public.
00:16:56.960 --> 00:16:58.799
Um not ugly language.
00:16:59.120 --> 00:17:00.639
No, not no, not that.
00:17:01.039 --> 00:17:16.079
Um but like we don't use like we just didn't use the word stepfamily, but sometimes people would get confused, like uh, but we did we did that intentionally because it felt like it was separation, like that created division, it separate it created separation.
00:17:16.240 --> 00:17:16.400
Yeah.
00:17:16.559 --> 00:17:17.359
And we didn't want that.
00:17:17.680 --> 00:17:28.720
So we're like, no, we realize, we acknowledge, and we'll get into that in a minute, that you have a you have a mom, you have a family that you do life with there too, and you have a family you do life with here also.
00:17:28.880 --> 00:17:31.359
We want to make that as seamless and easy as we can.
00:17:31.599 --> 00:17:34.960
Um, what was that the time the woman ran into Cali?
00:17:35.680 --> 00:17:40.400
Um I had asked Callie to stop by the grocery store to get something that I've forgotten for dinner or whatever.
00:17:40.559 --> 00:17:47.680
And she got home and she said, This lady was talking to me and saying, You know, I know your mom and I love seeing your pictures on social media.
00:17:47.839 --> 00:17:49.200
And I said, Who was it?
00:17:49.359 --> 00:17:50.400
She said, I don't know.
00:17:50.640 --> 00:17:55.839
And then she said, but then um she kept talking about your mom, your mom, and Callie finally said, Which mom?
00:17:56.799 --> 00:18:02.799
And then she's like, Well, they said your name Jess, so I don't know who it was, but it was funny because she was like, Which mom are you talking about?
00:18:03.039 --> 00:18:04.000
Yeah, it was cute.
00:18:04.240 --> 00:18:10.000
And that's kind of the what we said at our house, but there was no like, hey, Jess is replacing your mom.
00:18:10.240 --> 00:18:11.039
No, that she's here.
00:18:11.200 --> 00:18:14.640
We always just Callie and Cody didn't call me mom.
00:18:14.960 --> 00:18:15.119
No.
00:18:15.279 --> 00:18:25.359
And that was never an expectation, but because of the way we did things, they knew that I was the mom of that house and you're the dad of that house, and that's yeah, what we worked really hard on.
00:18:25.680 --> 00:18:26.960
Some action steps around this.
00:18:27.039 --> 00:18:54.880
How do we, what are some things that can actually be done to try to manage this or well one thing that is like an elephant that may be uncomfortable for a lot of people, maybe like write down a few things that are really really different from the way your first marriage household worked versus what your current blended family household how that functions, because they could be really different.
00:18:55.200 --> 00:18:58.559
And if you don't talk about it, it can get more and more uncomfortable.
00:18:59.119 --> 00:19:04.160
Yeah, be very specific, like when you share these that would be my suggestion.
00:19:04.480 --> 00:19:05.200
Yeah, we did that.
00:19:05.279 --> 00:19:15.519
Uh one of the first things that we did that with was Christmas traditions, because I mean, obviously, families have their own special traditions, and we tried our best to combine those.
00:19:15.920 --> 00:19:19.039
Yeah, Thanksgiving, Christmas, all those.
00:19:19.119 --> 00:19:19.359
Yeah.
00:19:19.519 --> 00:19:24.960
Just hey, what's something that you loved that you you did at your you know that you guys used to do?
00:19:25.680 --> 00:19:42.880
Um, another thing you can do too is think about one place where you've been performing like a normal traditional family, um, like how you introduce each other or um a holiday gathering or even a photo instead of naming what's really going on.
00:19:43.200 --> 00:19:52.319
So, like, for example, anytime we've ever had family pictures made, it is a pain to get everybody together, especially when they were young.
00:19:52.559 --> 00:20:01.279
Because, you know, I would schedule the photographer, typically my friend Brandy, and work with her schedule, and she would say, Okay, we'll have these two dates open at this time.
00:20:01.519 --> 00:20:04.640
Okay, well, now let me check the family schedule.
00:20:04.880 --> 00:20:12.400
And so just because you see a beautiful family photo doesn't mean it was really easy to get there because that that's not the truth.
00:20:12.880 --> 00:20:20.640
No, because we had a go had a sh a Google Calendar, shared family Google Calendar, the head when kids were there, when they weren't there, sporting events, all those things.
00:20:20.720 --> 00:20:27.119
So we knew trying to schedule around all of those when we had all of them and no one was playing a sport to take a picture.
00:20:27.359 --> 00:20:27.519
Yeah.
00:20:27.759 --> 00:20:28.240
It was crazy.
00:20:28.480 --> 00:20:28.640
Yeah.
00:20:29.359 --> 00:20:32.880
So for me to pretend like, oh, we just took a family picture like a normal family.
00:20:33.039 --> 00:20:33.200
No.
00:20:33.680 --> 00:20:35.759
Yeah, we didn't pick and just go out and do it.
00:20:35.920 --> 00:20:36.559
No, we did not.
00:20:36.799 --> 00:20:37.200
Yeah.
00:20:37.440 --> 00:20:37.599
Yeah.
00:20:37.759 --> 00:20:38.880
So it was a very different thing.
00:20:39.039 --> 00:20:39.599
It was.
00:20:40.400 --> 00:20:45.839
So here's here's one thing that I feel like do you have any more to add, or is that you think this is good?
00:20:46.559 --> 00:21:01.519
I think the another big segment of this, the reason we don't address this a lot, because this is one of those topics we're really scared of or hard to navigate, but it's loving the new family without betraying the old family.
00:21:02.000 --> 00:21:07.200
Because so many times you go into it, the as the couple, you're really excited.
00:21:07.680 --> 00:21:09.680
And you're just like, oh my gosh, this is awesome.
00:21:09.759 --> 00:21:14.319
You know, because you know, you're you have this newfound love, and then the kids are like, Wait, what?
00:21:14.799 --> 00:21:18.799
Yeah, they're very hesitant and be like, wait a minute, can I still talk about my mom?
00:21:18.960 --> 00:21:19.440
Can we not?
00:21:19.599 --> 00:21:20.559
Can I talk about my parents?
00:21:20.720 --> 00:21:22.400
Can we talk about the fun stuff we did?
00:21:23.039 --> 00:21:26.319
All those things, like, do you have a deeper insight too?
00:21:26.480 --> 00:21:28.480
You'd like to As a matter of fact, I do.
00:21:28.880 --> 00:21:29.759
Okay, go for it.
00:21:30.000 --> 00:21:36.880
Um, this is a little bit longer, but it's really important to think about these things um because this is where loss and loyalty collide.
00:21:37.039 --> 00:21:44.640
And it's often the most emotionally loaded point of the family, even though you don't really know that it's really happening.
00:21:45.039 --> 00:21:49.200
Um, and this conversation really does you need to give it some room.
00:21:49.440 --> 00:21:55.680
But every member of a blended family, adults, kids, all of you, um, we're carrying some version of a loss.
00:21:55.920 --> 00:21:59.200
Could be a marriage that ended, a family structure that didn't survive.
00:21:59.359 --> 00:21:59.519
Um
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:05.440
The version of how things used to be that doesn't exist anymore, or a death of a parent.
00:22:05.680 --> 00:22:07.839
Um, researchers have used this term.
00:22:07.920 --> 00:22:08.720
It's a fancy term.
00:22:08.799 --> 00:22:09.279
Are you ready?
00:22:09.440 --> 00:22:09.759
Yes.
00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:11.920
Disenfranchised grief.
00:22:12.240 --> 00:22:12.559
Okay.
00:22:12.799 --> 00:22:13.200
Wow.
00:22:13.440 --> 00:22:13.759
Yes.
00:22:13.920 --> 00:22:24.640
It's a loss that's not socially recognized or given space to be mourned because often when you acknowledge it, it feels inconvenient or threatening to the people that are in your life now.
00:22:26.079 --> 00:22:26.640
Wow.
00:22:26.960 --> 00:22:27.440
Yes.
00:22:27.599 --> 00:22:28.880
Um, I have a little bit more.
00:22:29.200 --> 00:22:29.279
Okay.
00:22:29.440 --> 00:22:33.200
So in blended families, that sense of loss gets tangled with loyalty.
00:22:33.359 --> 00:22:40.319
A child who feels close to a step parent may unconsciously fear that that closeness is a betrayal of their biological parent.
00:22:40.559 --> 00:22:46.480
An adult who still feels a pain without the old version of family may fear that that feeling threatens the new marriage.
00:22:46.720 --> 00:22:49.359
Family systems, here's another fancy phrase.
00:22:49.519 --> 00:22:49.920
You ready?
00:22:50.640 --> 00:22:54.079
Family systems theory calls this a loyalty bind.
00:22:54.400 --> 00:22:59.039
When caught between two relationships where honoring one feels like you're dishonoring the other.
00:22:59.759 --> 00:23:01.519
The bind itself isn't the problem.
00:23:01.680 --> 00:23:03.359
The problem is nobody says it out loud.
00:23:03.440 --> 00:23:07.039
So it just sits there quietly shaping your behavior even when you don't know it.
00:23:07.279 --> 00:23:07.519
Wow.
00:23:07.680 --> 00:23:08.000
Yeah.
00:23:08.240 --> 00:23:09.039
That is so true.
00:23:09.200 --> 00:23:09.440
Yeah.
00:23:09.759 --> 00:23:14.000
I would say this is the one thing blended families really suck at doing.
00:23:14.240 --> 00:23:14.559
Yes.
00:23:15.119 --> 00:23:16.720
We are really, really bad at this.
00:23:17.200 --> 00:23:18.880
Uh I've seen it so many times.
00:23:18.960 --> 00:23:21.200
I've talked to couples who deal with this.
00:23:21.519 --> 00:23:27.359
Uh usually because there's when the adults, there's frustration, there's anger.
00:23:27.440 --> 00:23:32.000
We've talked with couples who just like, I don't care what they do, I hate them.
00:23:32.160 --> 00:23:32.319
Yeah.
00:23:32.559 --> 00:23:35.039
It's like, okay, you can't say that in front of the kids.
00:23:35.759 --> 00:23:37.680
Like that's not helpful for anybody.
00:23:37.920 --> 00:23:38.079
No.
00:23:38.400 --> 00:23:41.680
But people the adults do it all the time.
00:23:41.920 --> 00:23:42.240
Yes.
00:23:42.480 --> 00:23:48.480
They buy the kids whatever they want, whenever they want, because they feel like there's one fun parent, one non-fun parent.
00:23:48.799 --> 00:23:52.640
You can't talk about those things, what fun things you did, what fun things you didn't do.
00:23:52.880 --> 00:23:54.000
They always have fun over there.
00:23:54.079 --> 00:23:55.839
It's because your dad doesn't have to pay for anything.
00:23:55.920 --> 00:23:56.799
He doesn't ever have you.
00:23:56.880 --> 00:23:58.160
He blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:23:58.319 --> 00:24:00.720
Your mom, your mom, I give your mom tons of money.
00:24:00.799 --> 00:24:02.319
She ought to be able to buy you whatever you want.
00:24:02.480 --> 00:24:04.240
Like we make those statements.
00:24:04.319 --> 00:24:08.480
And so the kids read into those and they're like, okay, not sharing that.
00:24:08.640 --> 00:24:08.960
Right.
00:24:09.200 --> 00:24:11.200
Not going to talk about those things.
00:24:11.279 --> 00:24:16.640
And we we allow those walls to be put up, which is so sad.
00:24:17.759 --> 00:24:18.799
We try to.
00:24:19.440 --> 00:24:20.480
This is really awkward.
00:24:20.640 --> 00:24:24.799
I think I don't know who struggled with this more.
00:24:24.960 --> 00:24:27.519
If it was Cody or Callie.
00:24:27.599 --> 00:24:28.559
I don't think it was Callie.
00:24:28.640 --> 00:24:29.440
It may have been Cody.
00:24:29.920 --> 00:24:34.160
But we would ask them, they would come on and be like, okay, tell me something fun you did with your mom this week.
00:24:34.799 --> 00:24:35.680
I didn't do anything.
00:24:35.759 --> 00:24:36.559
Yeah, that's not true.
00:24:36.640 --> 00:24:37.599
Tell me something fun you did.
00:24:37.680 --> 00:24:39.519
Like, what'd you do that you had fun with your mom with?
00:24:39.680 --> 00:24:39.839
Yeah.
00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:42.559
Like tell me something you guys did that you enjoyed.
00:24:42.880 --> 00:24:45.359
They both went through phases where they did not want to talk about it.
00:24:45.599 --> 00:24:47.039
No, they felt like it was awkward.
00:24:47.119 --> 00:24:48.240
They was like, can we do this?
00:24:48.319 --> 00:24:50.480
And I'm like, no, I want to hear what's going on.
00:24:50.640 --> 00:24:54.640
Like you're still my kid, even when you're at that house, and I still want you to have a fun life.
00:24:54.960 --> 00:24:57.680
Yeah, you were there for about did you go to spend the night at anybody's house?
00:24:57.759 --> 00:25:02.720
Did you do because what happens is say I have we had the kids and we dealt with this a lot.
00:25:02.880 --> 00:25:04.720
You had the kids for seven days.
00:25:04.960 --> 00:25:08.720
Um you only have seven days, so you get half their time automatically.
00:25:08.880 --> 00:25:09.359
That's it.
00:25:11.440 --> 00:25:17.599
It felt like every sleepover, every spend the night birthday party fell on our weekend that we had them.
00:25:17.839 --> 00:25:22.160
So we would have them on a Friday night and it'd be like, oh, so-and-so's having a spend the night party.
00:25:22.240 --> 00:25:24.319
And you're like, Well, my goals win the last night.
00:25:24.640 --> 00:25:24.799
All right.
00:25:24.960 --> 00:25:27.440
I hope you have fun, but that's another night that's taken from you.
00:25:27.519 --> 00:25:30.400
But as a blended family, you're just like, I'm not gonna tell her no.
00:25:30.559 --> 00:25:37.359
I'm not gonna tell them no, because then it's like I I'm taking away from like I'm limiting that because they're with me.
00:25:37.440 --> 00:25:40.160
A lot of people would say, No, you're with me, you need to spend time with me.
00:25:40.480 --> 00:25:43.920
Yeah, and back to the normal versus blended comparison.
00:25:44.079 --> 00:25:45.680
Normal families don't worry about that.
00:25:45.920 --> 00:25:46.880
Yes, that's true.
00:25:47.119 --> 00:25:47.680
They just don't.
00:25:47.839 --> 00:25:48.160
Yeah.
00:25:48.400 --> 00:25:52.799
Like I I would have never even thought about that had I not been in a blended family.
00:25:52.880 --> 00:25:56.160
Like, oh, if Thomas has gone to a sleepover, cool, I'll see you in the morning, you know.
00:25:56.559 --> 00:26:00.559
But like you just said, in a blended family, it's actually a big deal.
00:26:00.720 --> 00:26:01.119
Yeah.
00:26:01.359 --> 00:26:03.200
Yeah, those those things are big deals.
00:26:03.680 --> 00:26:07.839
And so being able to say, because there was frustration from time to time.
00:26:08.000 --> 00:26:09.839
I would be lying if I said there wasn't frustration.
00:26:10.319 --> 00:26:12.319
But we and we never voiced that in front of the kids.
00:26:12.400 --> 00:26:15.359
It was just Jess and I would go to someone's like, are you kidding me?
00:26:15.599 --> 00:26:19.359
Like, do I need to call your friends and say, hey, you can only book sleepovers on these days.
00:26:19.839 --> 00:26:21.440
So I need to text so-and-so's mom.
00:26:21.519 --> 00:26:22.160
I will.
00:26:22.400 --> 00:26:26.319
So it's like, oh there was that, but we never showed that to the kids.
00:26:26.400 --> 00:26:37.680
I always wanted the kids to know, hey, we love you, we support you, whether you're with us, whether you're with them, where there's events that they're doing when the weeks there aren't with you, we show up and we support.
00:26:37.759 --> 00:26:38.000
Yeah.
00:26:38.160 --> 00:26:46.400
Uh that seems like a natural, normal thing you would do, but a lot of people don't because it's uh, I don't like them, I'm frustrated at them.
00:26:46.640 --> 00:26:46.880
Yeah.
00:26:47.039 --> 00:26:50.240
Um then that goes back to the loyalty that we were just talking about.
00:26:50.480 --> 00:27:00.960
That the children feel bless them, the loyalty that they're trying to build with the new family versus, you know, where the family was and those kinds of things.
00:27:01.359 --> 00:27:05.119
And then they feel loyalty to their mom and to their dad or whoever that may be.
00:27:05.279 --> 00:27:06.160
So they feel pulled.
00:27:06.480 --> 00:27:09.519
And so many times we take our own selfish crap and put on them.
00:27:09.759 --> 00:27:22.240
Yeah, and I feel like a lot of the time um children in a blended family feel like they can't love the step parent because it takes away or maybe maybe they feel like they're betraying their biological parent.
00:27:22.400 --> 00:27:22.640
Yeah.
00:27:22.960 --> 00:27:29.119
Um I feel like that's probably something that the kids of a blended family struggle with and they don't know how to talk about it.
00:27:31.279 --> 00:27:34.960
I feel like I want to say this, but I I could I could catch a lot of crap for it.
00:27:36.480 --> 00:27:55.440
If you're if you're offended as a as a blended family adult, if you're offended when the kid talks about how much fun they had and if they love a step family or stepperson, if that makes you angry or frustrated, that is a sign of your emotional maturity.
00:27:56.000 --> 00:27:56.240
Yeah.
00:27:56.720 --> 00:27:58.720
And that makes you not that mature.
00:27:58.880 --> 00:28:03.839
And I'm sorry if that frustrates you, I'm sorry if that pisses you off, but that's the truth.
00:28:04.160 --> 00:28:08.559
Like you should be a healthy adult and you should want the best for your kids.
00:28:08.640 --> 00:28:14.319
And why would you not want to have more people who love your kids in their life than people who don't?
00:28:15.039 --> 00:28:18.000
The fact they care for them and love on them, you'd want them in.
00:28:18.240 --> 00:28:20.480
So if that's where you're at, I'm sorry.
00:28:20.559 --> 00:28:21.920
But get healthy.
00:28:22.240 --> 00:28:28.720
And it's okay to talk about this with your kids too, and it's okay that they say out loud, I miss the way my our family was.
00:28:28.880 --> 00:28:29.920
I miss our old family.
00:28:30.160 --> 00:28:34.240
But just because they say they miss their old family doesn't mean they can also love the new one.
00:28:34.400 --> 00:28:34.559
Right.
00:28:34.799 --> 00:28:35.920
I mean, it it can be both.
00:28:36.160 --> 00:28:36.319
Yeah.
00:28:36.480 --> 00:28:39.599
Well, the reality is is it helps you identify where you come from.
00:28:40.160 --> 00:28:47.519
Like it helps you identify things that were momentous to you, things that were important to you.
00:28:48.079 --> 00:28:51.599
Well, up until that point in their lives, that's what made them who they were.
00:28:51.839 --> 00:28:52.079
Yeah.
00:28:52.720 --> 00:28:58.079
Delia, if you're not addressing these issues in your blended family, they're there.
00:28:58.160 --> 00:29:01.200
I mean, they're there, whether you I mean those issues are that those things are there.
00:29:01.440 --> 00:29:08.480
It's just whether it's going by silently or being where it's silently creating that separation and distraction or whether it's drawing you together.
00:29:08.720 --> 00:29:10.640
Well, here's something you can do to help with that.
00:29:10.880 --> 00:29:11.039
Okay.
00:29:11.119 --> 00:29:13.119
That's uh I love some action steps given to me.
00:29:13.599 --> 00:29:18.480
So, and this is gonna be uncomfortable if you're not emotionally mature enough to handle it, like you just said.
00:29:19.119 --> 00:29:36.880
Have a have all sit down together, the whole blended family, and have each family member, including the parents, step parents, and the biological parent, name one thing they miss or feel a sense of loss about regarding how it used to be, without anyone in the room trying to fix it or minimize it or redirect the conversation.
00:29:37.039 --> 00:29:38.720
Name one thing that you miss.
00:29:40.160 --> 00:29:43.359
And that if you're not mature enough to handle it, that can hurt your feelings.
00:29:43.599 --> 00:29:44.640
Well, it's gonna hurt your feelings.
00:29:44.960 --> 00:29:45.599
I can tell you that.
00:29:45.680 --> 00:29:46.319
And that's okay.
00:29:46.480 --> 00:29:47.039
Yeah.
00:29:47.359 --> 00:29:53.039
It's when you start acting like a child and you start making comments that say if hurt feelings are okay.
00:29:53.200 --> 00:29:53.279
Yeah.
00:29:53.599 --> 00:29:58.000
Because for some reason we we live in a society that's like, oh, well, we shouldn't hurt feelings.
00:29:58.079 --> 00:29:58.720
Well, why not?
00:30:00.799 --> 00:30:02.079
If it's the truth, yeah.
00:30:02.240 --> 00:30:02.880
Yeah.
00:30:03.200 --> 00:30:17.920
Um, another thing that can be helpful, and it would really, I think, alleviate a lot of stress that you don't know you're putting on your children, is say out loud, you don't you don't have to have permission to love the other step parent.
00:30:18.160 --> 00:30:20.799
Because loving the step parent is not a betrayal.
00:30:20.960 --> 00:30:24.880
Like you can love me, your stepmom, and still also love your mom.
00:30:25.039 --> 00:30:27.599
That doesn't mean like you're not allowed to love me.
00:30:28.079 --> 00:30:32.799
Because missing the old family, like I said earlier, is not a rejection of the new one.
00:30:32.960 --> 00:30:36.559
Like it's okay to love two people that have that role in your life.
00:30:36.960 --> 00:30:38.960
Because a lot of times those kids are just trying to figure that out.
00:30:39.119 --> 00:30:39.440
Mm-hmm.
00:30:39.519 --> 00:30:40.640
But you have to say it to them.
00:30:40.799 --> 00:30:41.359
It's okay.
00:30:41.440 --> 00:30:41.599
Yeah.
00:30:41.839 --> 00:30:44.079
Because they don't know, like you said, they're just trying to figure it out.
00:30:44.160 --> 00:30:45.039
But say it to them.
00:30:45.279 --> 00:30:50.480
And sometimes this is harder if you blend your family and your kids are a little older.
00:30:50.640 --> 00:30:50.880
Yeah.
00:30:51.119 --> 00:30:57.279
Like if they're in their early preteens or they've they've had more time together, that's harder for them than it is for the younger.
00:30:57.440 --> 00:31:01.680
Like for our boys, our younger boys, it seemed easier than it was for Callie.
00:31:01.839 --> 00:31:02.960
Because she was a little older.
00:31:03.279 --> 00:31:04.160
She was a preteen.
00:31:04.400 --> 00:31:05.920
Yeah, so it was it's just different.
00:31:06.000 --> 00:31:08.240
She was a different place emotionally, mentally.
00:31:08.400 --> 00:31:11.279
And so there are those things that are out there.
00:31:11.440 --> 00:31:13.519
So again, these are not silver bullets.
00:31:13.599 --> 00:31:15.920
These are not do this and you're gonna win.
00:31:16.000 --> 00:31:19.680
This is a this is a framework to help you just get in the right path.
00:31:20.319 --> 00:31:30.160
So that the that segues perfectly into our last one, which is basically avoidance is is is like kind of a misguided form of protection.
00:31:30.319 --> 00:31:30.640
Yeah.
00:31:30.799 --> 00:31:35.359
Like in other words, we don't talk about it, we ignore it, we don't, oh, there's an elephant in the room.
00:31:35.519 --> 00:31:36.160
We don't see that.
00:31:36.240 --> 00:31:36.960
We're not gonna talk about it.
00:31:37.200 --> 00:31:37.680
What elephant?
00:31:38.000 --> 00:31:38.640
What elephant?
00:31:38.880 --> 00:31:39.039
What?
00:31:39.440 --> 00:31:40.240
I just ran into him.
00:31:40.319 --> 00:31:41.440
I don't know what you're talking about.
00:31:42.240 --> 00:31:45.599
So I just happen to have some deeper insight into this.
00:31:46.240 --> 00:31:46.480
I do.
00:31:46.880 --> 00:31:47.039
Okay.
00:31:47.440 --> 00:31:49.279
Avoidance in a blended family.
00:31:49.519 --> 00:31:50.720
Excuse me, let me start over.
00:31:50.880 --> 00:31:53.759
Avoidance in blended families is rarely laziness.
00:31:53.920 --> 00:31:58.720
It's usually a protective strategy that made sense at some point and never got reevaluated.
00:31:58.960 --> 00:32:08.160
Naming the complexity out loud can feel like admitting the family is fragile or that the parents made a wrong choice or that things aren't as seamless as everyone had hoped.
00:32:08.319 --> 00:32:16.079
So families build unspoken rules to keep the peace, like don't mention the epics, don't ask about the other household, don't bring up how things used to be.
00:32:16.240 --> 00:32:19.039
In the short term, these rules reduce visible conflict.
00:32:19.200 --> 00:32:23.359
In the long term, they remove the family's ability to actually process anything.
00:32:23.599 --> 00:32:33.839
So the same tension resurfaces, usually a worse moment, like weddings, graduations, celebrations of any sort, with less warning and less skill to handle it.
00:32:34.559 --> 00:32:35.119
Amen.
00:32:35.839 --> 00:32:36.240
Hallelujah.
00:32:38.319 --> 00:32:43.440
I I will tell you that tension and frustration will 1,000% come out.
00:32:43.599 --> 00:32:44.160
Yep.
00:32:44.480 --> 00:32:46.240
You just don't know when and where.
00:32:46.400 --> 00:32:47.599
Like it will leak.
00:32:48.240 --> 00:32:55.519
Um and it just it doesn't matter how you treat it, it's coming out uh at some point or another.
00:32:55.759 --> 00:33:02.720
And that's a Yeah, avoiding talking about it really truly may feel like you're protecting like your own heart.
00:33:02.799 --> 00:33:05.839
You may feel like you're protecting the children, but you're not.
00:33:06.240 --> 00:33:09.440
There's been times, I remember times where we sat the kids down.
00:33:10.319 --> 00:33:16.319
It may have been at a park, it may have been something else, and we're like, we we don't know what we're doing.
00:33:16.799 --> 00:33:18.480
Like, I I don't I don't know what we're doing.
00:33:18.640 --> 00:33:24.559
This feels sometimes this feels awkward, sometimes this is hard, and the kids are shaking their head, yeah, yeah, it is.
00:33:24.720 --> 00:33:28.960
And I'm like, because we would say, like, this is our first time in a blended family too.
00:33:29.119 --> 00:33:29.920
We don't know what we're doing.
00:33:30.240 --> 00:33:33.119
So I need you to help me help you.
00:33:33.759 --> 00:33:36.559
So like, let's say that like can we figure this out together?
00:33:36.799 --> 00:33:39.200
And 14 years later, we still tell them, and they're all adults.
00:33:39.279 --> 00:33:40.720
We're like, we don't know what we're doing.
00:33:40.880 --> 00:33:43.759
We're just trying to do what feels like it would be a good idea.
00:33:44.400 --> 00:33:52.880
What's so crazy, I tell you right now, the same complexities that were there when they were kids and we met is still there.
00:33:53.119 --> 00:33:55.039
Still have the same complexities right now.
00:33:55.680 --> 00:34:04.960
Like if we take a family picture, we've launched, we've la I mean, I think it would be easier to launch a rocket from SpaceX than it is to get a picture of our family all together.
00:34:05.440 --> 00:34:21.360
Like it's it's uh But not only that, but how do we On our website there's some family pictures that we had taken in the fall, and it was the most miraculous timing that everyone could be there, and it was literally 45 minutes in our yard.
00:34:21.519 --> 00:34:23.599
We couldn't even go to a like a location.
00:34:23.679 --> 00:34:25.840
It was in our yard for 45 minutes.
00:34:26.320 --> 00:34:27.199
But we had 45 minutes.
00:34:27.440 --> 00:34:35.199
We did, and it was when you But the thing is we we almost got to the point where we would just like let's just call it what it is.
00:34:35.440 --> 00:34:40.079
You know, when that you hear the old phrase, call a spade a spade, you know, just call it out for what it is.
00:34:40.320 --> 00:34:45.119
Sometimes it makes people really, really awkward, but it is so freeing.
00:34:45.679 --> 00:34:49.039
Just I mean, there's times I looked at the boys and be like, bro, this is hard.
00:34:49.199 --> 00:34:49.840
This sucks.
00:34:50.079 --> 00:34:50.239
Yeah.
00:34:50.559 --> 00:34:51.440
And they're like, yep.
00:34:52.320 --> 00:34:54.880
Okay, so how do uh how do we get what do you need?
00:34:55.119 --> 00:34:58.559
What do you need for me to help you get through this moment or get through this time?
00:34:59.119 --> 00:35:02.079
Because uh we don't know, you don't know all the answers.
00:35:02.239 --> 00:35:08.000
No one everyone who tells you they know all the answers, they don't know the answers, they're just really good at BS.
00:35:08.239 --> 00:35:18.239
So it's like they can give you a framework, they can give you some ideas and some directions, but you're gonna have to get in the get in the weeds with it and just figure out what works for your family.
00:35:18.639 --> 00:35:21.599
Like these things work, these things are uh here's some truths.
00:35:21.760 --> 00:35:24.400
There's some truths and some realities that we're trying to speak.
00:35:24.559 --> 00:35:24.719
Yeah.
00:35:24.960 --> 00:35:30.159
Stick to those and then how you do those or how you weave that, man, good luck.
00:35:30.239 --> 00:35:30.800
Get at it.
00:35:31.039 --> 00:35:34.800
You know, you may come up with something that's really cool that I haven't thought of.
00:35:34.880 --> 00:35:35.199
Yeah.
00:35:35.360 --> 00:35:37.760
That that may be a really good solution.
00:35:37.920 --> 00:35:44.320
You know, it's uh this is a quick example because I know we're our time is is ticking up.
00:35:44.639 --> 00:35:54.480
We came to this conclusion, this is one of the for this point, we didn't realize time, like we got our kids, the kids were with Kai and Cody with us for seven days, and then we're mom for seven days.
00:35:54.639 --> 00:35:59.199
And so we did not have much, like our time to them was very limited.
00:35:59.280 --> 00:36:01.199
And if there were sleepovers, those kind of things that were happening.
00:36:01.440 --> 00:36:03.920
And of course, mine too, Thomas and Aaron were with us all the time.
00:36:04.159 --> 00:36:04.400
Yeah.
00:36:04.559 --> 00:36:12.719
So we were we were out, I think we've told the story, we were out of Target, and that's when we ran into um Thomas and Aaron Grace, and they were so excited about it.
00:36:12.960 --> 00:36:13.679
They were with their grandmother.
00:36:13.920 --> 00:36:20.320
Yeah, they were their grandma, but they saw Callie and Cody and they got all excited, and they were just all hanging out, and they were like, Oh, can we go with y'all?
00:36:20.400 --> 00:36:21.440
Can we hang out with y'all?
00:36:21.599 --> 00:36:25.119
And I noticed Callie is just She burst into hysterical tears.
00:36:25.280 --> 00:36:26.079
Yeah, which never happens.
00:36:26.480 --> 00:36:28.079
She's not a highly emotional girl.
00:36:28.400 --> 00:36:32.559
Yeah, she was just emotional, and Jess took her to the side and said, Honey, what's wrong?
00:36:32.719 --> 00:36:36.239
And she goes, We don't ever get time with just you and bad.
00:36:36.480 --> 00:36:41.119
And she goes, it's she goes, they they live with y'all, but we'll our time with you is so we don't get that.
00:36:41.360 --> 00:36:42.719
We don't ever get just time with you.
00:36:42.960 --> 00:36:43.119
Yeah.
00:36:43.280 --> 00:36:46.480
And so immediately it was like, okay, you go back with your granddaughter.
00:36:46.639 --> 00:36:48.559
Buy Thomas, buy Aaron, go with you, go with Nani.
00:36:50.079 --> 00:36:51.119
See you tomorrow.
00:36:51.360 --> 00:36:55.599
But that created a thought within me to say, you know what?
00:36:55.760 --> 00:36:59.360
When our kids turn 16, that's where the whole 16 trip came from.
00:36:59.599 --> 00:37:03.199
When our kids turn 16, they get us for three to four days anywhere in the US.
00:37:03.840 --> 00:37:05.440
Well, fancy Cody got five days.
00:37:05.679 --> 00:37:09.199
Yeah, wherever you want, whatever you, whatever you want to do, we're gonna go do that.
00:37:09.280 --> 00:37:11.599
And it's just us and you pick what we do, what we're doing.
00:37:11.760 --> 00:37:24.719
But then too, that moment with Callie, like, not just this the 16 trip, like we both became more intentional about like if you had like a project to do or errands to run, you would take just Cody or just Callie or just Thomas.
00:37:24.880 --> 00:37:27.840
Like we we would we became a lot more mindful.
00:37:28.159 --> 00:37:43.599
Yes, just because of not to create separation and not uh be inclusive, but that avoidance and that misguided just not talking about the whole time thing was creating such distance and such a fractured relationship.
00:37:43.760 --> 00:37:43.920
Yeah.
00:37:44.079 --> 00:37:55.119
We're like, we have to attack this head on and just and luckily, thank God Callie actually expressed the and and said that out loud because if not, who knows if we would ever would have caught that?
00:37:55.360 --> 00:37:56.320
We probably wouldn't.
00:37:56.480 --> 00:38:05.199
You know, it's like thank you for bringing uh as hard as that moment was, it it opened our eyes to one thing that was just simple and right in front of us that we didn't pay attention to.
00:38:05.440 --> 00:38:18.800
And I feel like Callie, she may not would phrase it this way, but I feel like maybe she could have thought it was like an unspoken rule, like, well, Callie and Cody can't have just dad and jest time because that's just not how we're set up.
00:38:19.039 --> 00:38:19.519
Yeah.
00:38:20.000 --> 00:38:20.320
Sadly.
00:38:20.800 --> 00:38:21.599
It may have been.
00:38:21.760 --> 00:38:26.639
And so those are the things that you just you have to talk about over and over and over.
00:38:27.039 --> 00:38:27.280
You do.
00:38:27.360 --> 00:38:29.679
And talking about unspoken rules, here's some action steps.
00:38:29.920 --> 00:38:30.239
Okay.
00:38:30.639 --> 00:38:46.000
So pick one unspoken rule that your family operates by, like we don't talk about the ex or the kids' other kids' time with the other parents is an off-limit topic, and discuss where that unspoken rule even came from and if it's actually serving anyone.
00:38:47.039 --> 00:38:49.280
Because you have them in your blended family.
00:38:49.360 --> 00:38:50.719
You have unspoken rules.
00:38:50.960 --> 00:38:52.320
You just don't know it.
00:38:52.719 --> 00:38:53.440
Oh, everybody has them.
00:38:53.679 --> 00:38:53.840
Yeah.
00:38:54.000 --> 00:38:54.320
Yeah.
00:38:54.639 --> 00:38:57.440
Um, and this is something that we actually did do.
00:38:57.599 --> 00:39:02.000
Um, so we we would have month not monthly necessarily, but almost weekly.
00:39:02.079 --> 00:39:04.800
We would meet together at the kitchen table and do a check-in.
00:39:05.440 --> 00:39:09.679
Um sometimes it came in the form of like the high-low game at the table.
00:39:09.760 --> 00:39:12.880
We called it a game, but it was really just a way to can't get them talking.
00:39:13.119 --> 00:39:20.559
Um, to practice naming the elephant in the room that might be there, um, just to get talking about it.
00:39:21.039 --> 00:39:28.639
Our our biggest goal for our kids was to to help them be able to call out the the awkward thing that nobody wanted to talk about.
00:39:28.800 --> 00:39:31.280
So we that's when we communicated everything to death.
00:39:31.440 --> 00:39:32.400
Then they would say that.
00:39:32.559 --> 00:39:35.519
They'd be like, you guys talk things to death.
00:39:35.679 --> 00:39:40.400
Um Well, we wanted them to get used to talking things to death so it didn't have to happen in a crisis.
00:39:40.639 --> 00:39:40.800
Right.
00:39:41.199 --> 00:39:42.880
It's like, okay, now spill your guts.
00:39:43.519 --> 00:39:44.800
Now be comfortable talking.
00:39:45.039 --> 00:39:47.760
We just they yeah, they would all four agree.
00:39:47.840 --> 00:39:49.840
We and we still talk things to death with them.
00:39:50.079 --> 00:39:50.320
Yeah.
00:39:51.199 --> 00:39:58.800
Because we want I want them to know they have a voice, but at the same time be like, I'm interested in what you have to say, and that is important.
00:39:58.960 --> 00:40:03.039
But at the same time, I don't want to be caught sideways.
00:40:03.119 --> 00:40:06.239
I don't want to, I don't, I don't want to be like, oh my gosh, what do we do now?
00:40:06.400 --> 00:40:06.800
Right.
00:40:07.119 --> 00:40:14.559
So well, those are three really, really big solid things.
00:40:14.719 --> 00:40:18.719
Do you have anything else to add to put those kind of a big bow wraps on it?
00:40:19.199 --> 00:40:20.000
Put a big bow on it.
00:40:20.079 --> 00:40:22.239
Well, there is a bow you can put on it.
00:40:22.639 --> 00:40:26.400
Uh the blended family model, there it there is no model.
00:40:26.639 --> 00:40:26.880
Yeah.
00:40:27.119 --> 00:40:29.360
It was not there's not one created for us.
00:40:29.920 --> 00:40:31.519
We none of us know what we're doing.
00:40:31.599 --> 00:40:41.360
And you to pretend like you know what you're doing or to pretend like you're a a traditional nuclear family, you're uh just to be harsh, you're lying to yourself.
00:40:41.760 --> 00:40:44.320
Because it's not it's not it's not that easy.
00:40:44.559 --> 00:40:44.719
Yeah.
00:40:45.039 --> 00:40:50.239
Um address loss and loyalty that can happen at the same time.
00:40:50.880 --> 00:40:54.880
Come both for the biological parent and the step parent.
00:40:55.119 --> 00:40:58.719
Um and avoidance is never gonna work at all.
00:40:59.199 --> 00:41:05.199
So if you're the if you're the parent, you're sitting out there and you're listening to this and you're just like, I'm not doing that because I don't like them.
00:41:05.440 --> 00:41:08.800
I'm pissed off at him or her, blah, blah, blah, for what they did.
00:41:09.519 --> 00:41:10.559
So I don't want to do that.
00:41:10.639 --> 00:41:12.400
I don't want to have acceptance.
00:41:13.840 --> 00:41:17.599
I would tell you, I would tell you, you are you are crippling your kids.
00:41:17.760 --> 00:41:17.840
Yeah.
00:41:18.159 --> 00:41:28.880
You are hurting them in ways that you don't even imagine, not just now, but in future relationships that you're going to be in to be able to communicate and share what's really going on.
00:41:30.480 --> 00:41:34.480
Get past your hurt, find some forgiveness, work through that.
00:41:34.639 --> 00:41:37.519
Your kids are your kids are are modeling after you.
00:41:37.679 --> 00:41:38.480
They're watching you.
00:41:38.559 --> 00:41:41.920
Your kids are watching how you speak, how you act, what you do.
00:41:42.239 --> 00:41:44.719
So figure those things out.
00:41:45.039 --> 00:41:49.920
You can still have hurt feelings and you can still have anger that you're working through, but that's not your kids' feelings.
00:41:50.320 --> 00:41:50.480
Right.
00:41:50.639 --> 00:41:51.440
And you don't put that on there.
00:41:51.760 --> 00:41:52.159
You don't give up.
00:41:52.400 --> 00:41:56.880
Oh, I I to for us to say everything was happy and hunky-dory the entire time would be a lie.
00:41:57.360 --> 00:41:57.920
That's a big fat lie.
00:41:58.239 --> 00:42:02.159
Yeah, it's like, but uh I never I worked really, really hard.
00:42:02.320 --> 00:42:06.639
We worked really, really hard to not bring that into the family dynamic.
00:42:07.039 --> 00:42:12.239
We worked really hard at if we had something we need to talk about, it was not in front of the kids or with the kids involved.
00:42:12.480 --> 00:42:12.880
No, never.
00:42:13.119 --> 00:42:14.159
It was always separate.
00:42:14.480 --> 00:42:22.000
So naming the elephant in the room isn't trying to create a conflict, it's actually talking about something that's already there.
00:42:22.400 --> 00:42:22.800
Yeah.
00:42:23.039 --> 00:42:25.599
And just giving it a name and be like, you know what?
00:42:25.679 --> 00:42:28.639
We're gonna we're gonna encompass this one bite at a time.
00:42:29.119 --> 00:42:33.440
Not eating elephants, PETA, but it's the the thing that's out there.
00:42:33.920 --> 00:42:36.239
So wow, okay.
00:42:36.400 --> 00:42:38.159
Well, I hope this has been insightful.
00:42:38.239 --> 00:42:39.039
I hope it's been helpful.
00:42:39.119 --> 00:42:43.280
I hope maybe you've caught one or two really good insights out there.
00:42:43.440 --> 00:42:46.159
If you're if you're looking at this going, great, that's a lot of info.
00:42:46.320 --> 00:42:48.719
You guys shared a lot in the 42 minutes.
00:42:48.800 --> 00:42:50.480
If you're still listening to us, thank you so much.
00:42:51.119 --> 00:42:52.000
Yeah, man.
00:42:52.079 --> 00:42:53.199
I cheers to you.
00:42:53.599 --> 00:42:54.960
Uh thank you so much.
00:42:55.199 --> 00:43:01.119
We're gonna put some of these action steps and these points into a PDF format if you need those or want those.
00:43:01.360 --> 00:43:02.960
Uh they'll be on our social medias.
00:43:03.039 --> 00:43:05.119
There'll be links to those so you can find those.
00:43:05.199 --> 00:43:05.679
I'm not sure.
00:43:05.840 --> 00:43:09.039
We're gonna make it as easy as we can for you to to find that stuff and download it.
00:43:09.440 --> 00:43:11.119
UnpackTogether.com.
00:43:11.280 --> 00:43:13.360
There's a free resource section.
00:43:13.440 --> 00:43:15.039
We'll probably we'll probably try to put it there.
00:43:15.199 --> 00:43:15.519
Yeah.
00:43:15.679 --> 00:43:21.840
Um, we'll put things up to try to help it make it as easy as we can for you to to help navigate this.
00:43:22.719 --> 00:43:24.719
And you don't have to use these like a checklist.
00:43:24.800 --> 00:43:25.280
It's a lot.
00:43:25.599 --> 00:43:26.000
Pick one.
00:43:26.239 --> 00:43:28.480
Yeah, just don't do don't don't go overboard.
00:43:28.639 --> 00:43:29.440
Like start small.
00:43:29.599 --> 00:43:29.760
Yeah.
00:43:30.000 --> 00:43:32.800
Pick one, pick two, and and try those out.
00:43:32.880 --> 00:43:35.199
And then when you get your hands around that one, then do another one.
00:43:35.679 --> 00:43:36.960
Don't do too many at a time.
00:43:37.039 --> 00:43:37.920
You get overwhelmed.
00:43:38.000 --> 00:43:39.039
It's kind of crazy.
00:43:39.599 --> 00:43:40.800
So anything else to add?
00:43:41.280 --> 00:43:41.599
Takeaway?
00:43:42.159 --> 00:43:45.280
So hey, thank you guys for listening.
00:43:45.599 --> 00:43:48.719
Uh make sure to visit our website, do the inventory.
00:43:49.280 --> 00:43:54.480
Um, if you like, follow, share us, that helps us be able to keep doing what we do.
00:43:54.559 --> 00:43:55.519
Please do that.
00:43:55.679 --> 00:43:58.239
We're trying to trying to reach and grow our audience.
00:43:58.400 --> 00:44:00.159
So thank you so much for being a part of it.
00:44:00.239 --> 00:44:03.119
And uh look forward to sitting with you again soon.
00:44:03.280 --> 00:44:04.000
Until then.
00:44:04.239 --> 00:44:08.400
We have four weeks until we officially get to say Go Dogs.