Episode 2: The Power Within: Healing Through Imagination, Self-Compassion and IFS

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Hi, friends.
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Welcome back to Authentically Connected with Dr.
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Rachel Fast.
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I'm so happy you're here.
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I have a jam packed episode for you today.
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Before I jump in, there's a couple things I want to acknowledge.
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First of all, some of you listeners may also be clients of mine.
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I'm very happy you're here as well.
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You are going to hear things about me that you don't already know, and that is by design.
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Therapy is supposed to be about the client, not the therapist.
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If anything comes up that would be good for us to talk about in session, please feel free to share.
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I welcome those conversations wholeheartedly.
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I also want to acknowledge that what I share in this episode and others is for informational purposes only.
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It is not meant to replace advice or direction given by your personal therapist or a doctor.
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I am gonna share more today about how Internal Family Systems works.
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Last episode I mentioned that I would do an episode just about IFS, but I realized that it would be helpful for me to also include the power of imagination and self-compassion too, since that's where it all began for me.
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So that's where I'll begin.
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I did not have access to the power of my own imagination in childhood.
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I was never one for imaginative play.
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I wasn't into dolls.
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I didn't like dressing up for Halloween.
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Playing pretend just wasn't my thing.
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It felt hard.
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It didn't come naturally to me.
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I like to read.
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To escape into other worlds, and I didn't really see the point as a child of having to create those worlds for myself when someone else had already done that work for me.
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So it seemed self-evident that I just wasn't a creative person.
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That was the belief that I held about myself, but of course I was wrong.
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My training and experience as a psychologist, but also my experience as a therapy client have all helped me to recognize the unlimited potential of imagination, and I've learned to harness it and to benefit from it, help my clients benefit from it in some pretty incredible ways.
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There's visualization while grounding, clinical hypnosis and internal family systems IFS.
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First with the visualization, imagining yourself in a place that feels safe and comforting, for example, while grounding yourself in that space so noticing what your senses are experiencing.
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What can I see? What can I hear? What can I taste, touch, smell, feel, allows our brain and our body to get the benefit as though it were actually happening.
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It calms the body stress response.
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It activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which is our body's rest and digest mode, which over time can help reduce inflammation, enhance immunity, improve heart rate variability, and emotion regulation.
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These are just some of the benefits that come from visualization while grounding.
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That is literally using your imagination to make your health better.
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There's also clinical hypnosis, which I started my training in this past year, and I am excited to dive in more in the future.
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It involves getting our brain into a theta wave state, which is where we go naturally when we are in a state of deep relaxation and also in sleep.
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When we're in that state, our brain is more suggestible, so we can take in information and actually create changes in our neural pathways that allow us to work through fears and phobias, behavior change like quitting smoking, the list is long of benefits of clinical hypnosis.
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And then there's internal family systems, IFS, which feels like a beautiful combination to me of visualization with a grounding component, while also using what feels a lot like a self-induced hypnotic state because when we go inside, we close our eyes and we connect in with our parts.
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That's also what hypnosis feels like to me.
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We can visualize parts inside of us and get in touch with what we are sensing in or around our bodies, which is the grounding component, and then engage in this internal experience that promotes so much healing and relief to our system.
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And what's really cool about IFS is that once our system has allowed access to the young parts of us that hold the deep pain and shame and trauma we can offer those parts tools to no longer be stuck there.
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We can offer them a do-over where the outcome is different, or we can help them leave that space and go to a space that feels safer.
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We will feel direct impact on our nervous system in the moment and long-term positive impacts that come from this imaginative work.
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benefits Of this power of imagination when we use it effectively are endless.
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The other topic I wanted to include is self-compassion.
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When I learned about self-compassion, I was already a mom and I was already struggling.
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From the time my first child was born I struggled with the weight of expectations my own expectations, from society around me, that all encompassing mommy guilt that seemed to confirm what I already felt, which was that I was already messing it all up and would end up doing irreparable harm to my precious child.
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Postpartum depression and anxiety, anyone? Yes, that's exactly what I was dealing with.
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For me at the time, it was all focused on breastfeeding, which I was having a lot of difficulty with, and the tongue tie issues that my kiddos both had and I was so focused on that I was actually not able to do anything well 'cause I was getting in my own way.
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And I was aware of how obsessive my thoughts were becoming, how irrational my fears were.
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And also I knew how important positive self-talk was for my own wellbeing, for my family's wellbeing 'cause the baby is only as healthy as her mom, right? Or dad Primary caregiver.
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And yet it was still so hard to stop the behaviors that were contributing to my struggles.
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It felt so much more natural to just keep doing what I had always done, which was to be judgmental towards myself 'cause old habits die hard.
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What I hadn't realized at the time was that the perfectionism that I knew well within myself, that part of me had been very active in the past with school, with work.
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It had just very quietly shifted over to motherhood.
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Motherhood, which I am incredibly grateful for.
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It is a wonderful blessing, has also succeeded in pushing every single one of my buttons, bringing up all my guilt and shame that I had been feeling already, and just, you know, shifting the focus over to something new.
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And it was incredibly painful and stressful.
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Eventually I realized that everything that motherhood was bringing up within me, all the challenges and struggles, those were trailheads, opportunities basically to follow a path to a place within me that needed healing.
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But at the time, it just felt hard.
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It was around this time that I was directed by a trusted colleague to Dr.
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Kristen Neff's website, which is self-compassion dot org, I watched her video about the difference between self-compassion and self-esteem, and it felt like I could breathe again.
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Like someone had released this vice around my heart.
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was all I knew.
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There's a bar, you meet it.
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You get to feel good about yourself.
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You don't.
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You don't, and I didn't.
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But self-compassion, that was different.
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Self-compassion is kindness that I show myself because I am human.
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And I deserve kindness simply for that reason, because we all share a common humanity and are not alone in our suffering.
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There's also a mindful awareness component to self-compassion.
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If I pay attention non-judgmentally to what is coming up within me, no matter what it is, even if it is judgment towards myself, and if I notice and name the experience through a lens of self-compassion, then I can prevent over identification with those thoughts and feelings, and I can move through them more effectively.
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If self-compassion was for anyone and everyone who had known suffering, which of course included me, then maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought I was.
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And gosh, that was a really big revelation for me.
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Even now, thinking back to that powerful realization, I feel chills running up and down my body, and that energy tells me how important that moment was.
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But I needed concrete tools to practice self-compassion.
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It's nice to feel the benefit of recognizing I'm deserving and yet that's not enough.
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You gotta do something with it, right? So what did I try to do? I went to the options on the website and I started trying them.
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If my best friend were thinking and feeling what I was thinking and feeling and telling me about it, what would I say to them? And then say that to myself.
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And I tried that.
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Sometimes it was helpful, and other times it felt like I was just faking good, you know, like saying what I was supposed to say, but it wasn't really landing.
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I also focused on changing my self-talk to be less shaming and more positive, which has definitely been beneficial over the years.
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I also journaled saying positive things to myself and getting out the stuff that didn't feel so good and all of that was helpful.
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But really I needed a perspective shift in order for self-compassion to land and that's where IFS came in.
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I wanna give you a little backstory about why I was having such a hard time with judging myself.
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I grew up with big feelings, that were overwhelming for me, for my family, it was a lot.
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I didn't know what was wrong.
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I just knew something felt wrong in my body.
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And I remember my mom trying to help me.
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She would hold me in these bear hugs and I would initially fight against them.
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And eventually I sought her out and asked for those hugs.
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I needed that containment and that sense that everything was gonna be okay.
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'cause in my body I didn't feel that way.
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I had coping behaviors of course.
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As a kid I loved to eat books, tv, movies.
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Those were the kinds of things that helped me feel better.
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Later I added other tools to my tool belt, not all of which were very healthy.
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But the big feelings persisted.
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I will say I grew up with a lot of privilege in my childhood.
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I had loving parents, I had my health.
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My family's health and all my basic needs were met, and then some.
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I never had to wonder where my next meal was coming from or if the lights were gonna stay on, and those kinds of privileges I took for granted as a child.
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And I now view them with deep gratitude.
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Also with a more nuanced appreciation now for what those privileges afforded me, the doors that were opened for me.
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The fact that I'm sitting here right now talking to you on my podcast is a testament to what I was able to accomplish through my hard work, but also through circumstances that I happened into and that not everybody is fortunate enough to have.
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There were challenges of course.
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My parents divorced when I was 13 and others as well, but that didn't seem like enough to create the kind of emotional pain that I was in.
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And sometimes I would tell myself that others had it worse.
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So what did I have to complain about? Why did I feel so bad inside my body when I had a good life? That's comparative suffering.
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I did that a lot when I was younger.
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I don't do that anymore.
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When I look at the suffering of someone else and I feel my own suffering, I know that both things can be true at the same time.
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They know suffering and so do I, and they're both valid.
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And suffer.
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I did.
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Honestly, I didn't like myself.
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Because of that, I dealt with one mental health issue after another as a child, teenager, and even into young adulthood.
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These were all symptoms of the distress that I felt in my body, and I felt awful inside.
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And I didn't know why.
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I just felt like I deserved to feel bad about myself.
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And now I feel so much compassion looking back on those parts who suffered so much back then.
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I also functioned well enough academically and socially to not seem to need additional support like psychotherapy.
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The thought was that I would grow out of those issues, and luckily I did eventually, but I'm also feeling compassion for my parts who were crying out for help during that time when psychotherapy wasn't mainstream.
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I wish it had been.
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I now believe, looking back, that I carried shame from a variety of sources.
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First, my own wiring.
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I had then and still have now sensory sensitivities that just made me uncomfortable sometimes.
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I believe my nervous system was dysregulated a lot in childhood.
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I was like an emotional sponge, picking up on the tension around me and just holding it in my body and not knowing what to do with it.
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There were family dynamics that also contributed.
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Compared to other brothers who seemed loving and protective my brother wasn't, and so child me, concluded that something was wrong with me, that I didn't deserve it.
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My parents divorced when I was 13, which of course brought all of the normal feelings associated with being a child of divorce: sadness, fear, anxiety, guilt, anger.
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There was body image and diet culture as well.
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My body looked different from my peers, and I knew that when I was young, I didn't have thin legs.
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I didn't have a flat tummy.
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I'm quite muscular and I always weighed more, and all of that just made me feel different.
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And then there were family messages, not directed at me, that made it clear that being fat was undesirable and an indication that a diet was an order.
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That was just the message that I picked up on.
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There was also the sense that exercise was a necessary evil and a means to that end of getting your body to look the way it's supposed to, and so movement for enjoyment didn't really ever seem like an option to me, and it's entirely possible that that was encouraged.
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And I just don't remember.
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The other piece was that I was raised in South Florida.
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It's hot and humid, and I don't like that weather, so I didn't wanna go outside a lot, and I didn't move my body as much as a result, so I didn't have that outlet and that nervous system reset.
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So these are explicit wounds I can consciously recall, but there's more to the story.
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There are also ancestral and cultural layers.
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I know now that I carried shame into this world with me.
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According to the theory of epigenetics, the trauma that my ancestors experienced and the burdens that they took on impacted how my genetic makeup has been expressed.
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In short, I was born with some of the shame from those who came before me.
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There was inherited trauma from being Jewish and carrying the pain and fear of being persecuted throughout the ages.
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Also, being a female and having to conform to expectations handed down by a patriarchal society.
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The list goes on, and I don't need to unpack it now to know that I'm not done unpacking it.
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There are more ancestral burdens that show up, beliefs that I question within myself about their origins, and then I realize only some of it is mine.
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Some of it feels like it is part of a larger collective burden that you may be carrying as well.
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These intergenerational wounds amplify shame and perfectionism.
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I view perfectionism as inherited coping.
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Those of us who learn perfectionism to cope receive it like it's a torch that's being passed on, like a duty.
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We have to keep striving for better, which when it motivates us can be super helpful.
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But the problem with perfectionism is that it's also a way to avoid feeling pain.
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It leads us to avoid pausing, sitting with discomfort that shows up.
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It leads us to seek external positive reinforcement, which has its place and is valuable, but then we're dependent on that.
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And so if we're constantly striving and then using harsh self-judgment when we fall short, then we never get anywhere.
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We achieve, we accomplish, but we don't feel good about it.
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And that was passed on to me because that was how some of my ancestors survived.
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I don't fault them for it.
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In fact, I see them as incredibly resilient, and me as well.
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Perfectionism has helped me a lot in my life, but ooh, ooh, it doesn't feel good at all.
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It really doesn't because perfection is unattainable.
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Really, truly, there's only progress.
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So here's where self-compassion comes in.
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Self-compassion felt like a breath of fresh air.
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I remember feeling my shoulders gradually dropped the more I learned about it because what I realized was that it had the potential to help me replace the shame that I had been feeling for so long with kindness that I can show towards myself.
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And it meant that I didn't have to continue being my own emotional punching bag.
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But intellectual understanding was not enough.
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I needed active embodied practice, and that is where internal family systems came in.
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IFS provided the tools and the perspective shift that allowed me to reach the parts of me who truly needed to feel that self-compassion.
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So let's talk for a moment about what a healthy family looks and feels like and what a less healthy family looks and feels like.
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Healthy is open communication, maintaining appropriate boundaries.
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Everyone is clear on their role within the family, and there is a sense that we're all on the same team working towards a common good, and every member of the family has value.
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A dysfunctional family has toxic dynamics, poor communication, poor boundaries, disconnection, unhealthy behaviors that prevent family members from meeting emotional needs of their own or each other So when I learned about IFS, it was very clear to me that I had this toxic family inside of me.
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But what was new is that there was healing that could be offered to these parts of me.
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That was a game changer.
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It helped me so much just to understand the roles that the different parts within me had and how it all works, and that's why I'm gonna share it with you in case it might be of use for you.
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First though, let me share how IFS got started.
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It was developed in the eighties and nineties by Dr.
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Richard Schwartz, who is a family systems therapist.
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He was working with young women with eating disorders, and he picked up on this pattern he noted in their language.
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They would use parts language as they would share about what was going on inside of them, the internal struggles that they were having and their parts did not always agree with one another.
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As he started getting to know those parts, he recognized the parallels between the family systems work that he was doing and his client's internal families of parts.
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He started talking directly to the parts and learning more about them, and as he did, he recognized that they all had good intentions, but they didn't seem to be communicating very well with one another.
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The other piece that he picked up on was that every single person he spoke to, every single client had self energy.
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He would get to a point where he'd ask, well, what part is that? And the person would say, well, that's not a part.
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That's just me.
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And every single person had that.
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So I'm gonna explain all of this in a moment, but I just wanna say it was because of his pioneering work and also because he was willing to welcome in other perspectives including that of Susan McConnell and others who did body work to recognize that it isn't just talking to the parts that's important.
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It's about getting into our bodies and recognizing that our parts are communicating to us through our bodies at all times.
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That's what allows the deep healing work to happen within the body.
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So how does IFS work? Our internal family system is made up of a collection of parts and self-energy, as I said.
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So i'll start by explaining the parts and then I'll get into self energy and how this all works together.
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Parts are like sub personalities, each with its own values, goals.
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Perspective about life experiences.
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You can think of it like the animated movie Inside Out with each of the emotions as separate characters who exist inside the main character's mind but instead of each character holding only one emotion, like in the movie, our parts actually are capable of experiencing a full range of emotions just like us, and they each have their own self-energy as well.
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Parts speak to us all the time through our inner experience.
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Our thoughts, our emotions, physical sensations, imagery, memories.
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These are all coming from our parts.
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Parts are not static entities.
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They actively influence our behavior and advocate for whatever strategies they think will be most useful for approaching life.
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So they can really get pretty active within us, but they can also change as we work through this healing journey.
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They really evolve as we do.
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But they can also get frozen.
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So when we go through a painful moment in our life, sometimes our parts who experience that moment get frozen in that moment, and they do not continue to age like we do.
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So they get stuck feeling disconnected from the rest of the system, and they don't realize that we have continued on with our life, aging and also developing more resources and supports.
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So our parts can need updating sometimes.
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Because our parts each have a role to play within us they develop complex systems of interaction amongst themselves, just like we do in a family, and they can become polarized, which means they're at opposite ends of a rope that they're tugging on each trying to influence your system in whatever way they think is best, not realizing that they both have good intentions and really are both trying to help in the only way they know how.
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It is worth mentioning that there are no bad parts.
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We never wanna get rid of our parts ever.
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They all have good intentions and they're all welcome, but the burdens can become more extreme over time because these parts who have taken on certain roles, beliefs, in order to protect our system because of what we've been through in the past or what we've brought into this world, they can work harder and harder not realizing that what they're doing is actually creating the opposite of what they want.
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There's three different kinds of parts that have become burdened: managers, firefighters, and exiles.
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The managers and the firefighters are two different kinds of protector parts.
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With managers, their motto is never again.
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They are protectors who help us maintain control and feel safe by avoiding risk, staying away from anything that could trigger emotional overwhelm.
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And generally they just help us succeed in this world.
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They are prized in our society.
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Type A personalities, perfectionism, people pleasing.
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These parts are incredibly useful when they help us achieve and stay productive, but they can become rigid and controlling when they become burdened by beliefs and experiences that push them to an extreme.
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Then there are firefighter parts, the other kinds of protectors whose motto is when all else fails.
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These are the protectors who spring into action whenever old, familiar pain or discomfort gets activated within us, or threatens to overwhelm us, often because a wounded, younger part of us has become triggered.
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So these firefighter parts act powerfully and automatically, I'll say that again, automatically to repress that discomfort and pressure that's inside of us.
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The reason I stress automatically is because we don't always feel like we have control over parts of us.
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Sometimes we do something and then we say, why did I do that? It's because a firefighter jumped in to say, Hey, I got this.
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I'm sensing you need me.
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Here, i'm gonna help you distract.
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Oh, why don't we spend some money that's gonna feel good? Or, Hey, this substance might help me feel nothing and that feels better or something, and that feels better too.
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Maybe dissociation or even thoughts about suicide.
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These are all firefighter parts that are reactive and impulsive and they don't care about the consequences of their actions.
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Not because they don't care about you, but because they feel like the house is on fire and somebody's gotta do something.
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These are often the most judged and shamed parts of ourself.
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And then there are the exiled parts.
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These are the ones whose motto is, don't forget me.
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These are usually younger parts of ourselves who have been rejected or traumatized, and they hold deep wounds and memories filled with terror and shame.
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These are the ones who are often frozen in time in the moment when they felt the pain that they've been holding and they've been hiding ever since for protection, or because our managers and firefighters want them out of sight.
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They wanna keep them in the basement, so to speak, because they're afraid that those exiles will overwhelm.
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But when something in our present life triggers those exiles, they become more extreme because they wanna be heard.
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They have a story to tell, they need to be witnessed, and they can flood us with their burdened shame and terror, often leaving us exposed and vulnerable.
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So for example, if you are someone who is generally pretty confident, pretty sure of themselves or pretty cool, calm and collected going through life, and then something happens and you feel this overwhelming anxiety or fear or shame, that may be an exile who's been triggered within you.
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When the exiles are activated, those managers and firefighter parts tend to escalate as well in order to balance out the system again.
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And that's when chaos ensues, as it has for me many times.
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Self energy is another really important component of IFS that I'll explain and then I'll get into how this all actually works.
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Self can be described like a feeling of loving kindness, feeling of being centered or calm, in a state of flow.
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These are all aspects of being in Self-energy.
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Self has innate healing capacities.
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We all have access to this.
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This is the spiritual component of IFS, which is considered to be a psychospiritual model because when we get into self, we are accessing our spirit inside and this collective loving energy that we all have access to that feels universal.
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Self is not an all or none experience.
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It's really just a matter of degree.
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How much self energy do you have present right now? Self has been described as consisting of eight C qualities, which were chosen because Dick Schwartz, who created IFS, liked alliteration.
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The C qualities are calmness, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, clarity, connectedness, and creativity.
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Just because we're in self-energy doesn't mean we have access to every single one of those Cs.
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Self can feel different ways at different times.
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And in general, the way we access self is by our parts making space for it.
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The goal of IFS is to create more harmony and balance within the system so each part feels valued for its unique contribution and no part feels the need to take control because they trust that Self-energy will be there to guide, support, and heal them.
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IFS is a constraint release model, and that means that the parts have to be willing to make space inside in order for Self-energy to come through, to be present and accessed, and for the healing to occur as well.
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And so as we build a relationship between Self-energy and parts each part starts to feel more seen and understood for their good intentions and their efforts, however misguided they've been.
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And as that happens, more trust builds in the system and it becomes easier to help the parts relax back or soften, make space so that Self energy can shine through in any given moment, and we can become more self-led in our daily lives.
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So how does the healing actually happen? Once our protective parts have allowed Self-energy to come through and connect with a young, wounded part, the part can share his or her pain with the self-energy and feel witnessed and understood, and then the part can choose to release the burdens that this young part has been carrying to any of the elements, earth, water, air, fire.
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And then once that's done, they can welcome in positive qualities that contribute back to the system moving forward.
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Basically, the part can take on a new job or a new role in the system that feels more aligned with their loving nature, and that's how the healing occurs and the change happens.
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I'm gonna shift back to me and my story for a moment to illustrate how IFS actually works.
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I had manager parts who pushed me to succeed in school, at sports, socially, at work: burdened parts, including my perfectionist, my people pleaser, as well as unburdened parts like the one who was just so enthralled with psychology and fascinated by human nature.
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My manager parts were really effective, both the burdened ones and the unburdened ones.
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I excelled.
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But there was a steep cost to it all.
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Something would happen in my life that would trigger my exiles, who held deep shame, and they would overwhelm me with this sense that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't belong, and that felt awful.
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So my firefighters would spring into action to put out that fire, whether through consuming: drinking, disordered eating, shopping, focusing on what I wanted but didn't have.
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I had a strong "I want part" for a long time.
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Or they would push me to dissociate.
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I would watch tv, scroll social media, read, even compulsively cleaning or caregiving, right? Disconnecting from my own needs, taking care of others.
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That can be from a firefighter or a manager.
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Really depends on what the intention is.
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I would feel momentarily better while doing these things and then far worse after.
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I'd become completely off balance and then even more ashamed because of the choices I'd made while coping.
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Then my managers would work so hard to get me back on track.
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And they were always sure to shame me for getting off track to begin with, and for the choices I'd made, and then on and on, the cycle went for years.
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I wanna pause for a moment and honor the parts of me who are reminding me right now that sharing about my history about this cycle that I lived for many years is true evidence of my healing.
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Shame kept me quiet about it for years, I wouldn't have dreamed of sharing this openly about my own history of pain in the past, and some of you may be wondering why I am doing it now.
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I share now because I no longer carry any shame about what I experienced because IFS has helped me put self-compassion into action.
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Plus, I really wanna actively participate in the work of de-stigmatizing mental health struggles, which are such an understandable and unfortunate byproduct of the world we live in today, where we are cut off from the wisdom of our hearts, from the important information our bodies are sharing with us all the time.
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Sunshine is truly the best disinfectant.
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When we can talk about our suffering, our shame, when we can share and connect around it, we heal.
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So as I shine light on my own experiences, my own journey, I hope to show you that it's possible for you to do the same with your shame, with your pain.
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What hurts most is keeping it in.
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I see that there is a disconnect in our society that preaches self-sufficiency and prioritizes productivity above all else.
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It is truly connection that helps us heal.
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I see now how my pain came to exist and how I learned to heal it.
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And I believe that was not only for me, but also so I could pay it forward to anyone who cares to listen, so I can help others with their suffering too.
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So what did IFS do for me and my parts? Well, I should say that by the time I found IFS I was no longer actively struggling as much, but I still carried so much shame.
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So after I learned about IFS, I started sitting with my parts, getting to know each of them as they arose.
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I recall the first time I did this, I was feeling a lot of anger.
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I closed my eyes, I welcomed my anger into conversation, Hey anger, I feel you.
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I know you're there, you wanna chat.
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And then I noticed how the part was showing up in or around my body.
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For me it was tightness in my throat and chest.
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And so I named that.
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I feel tightness in my throat and chest.
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Is that you, anger? And just doing that.
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I felt it relax.
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It seemed like the part was using the tension to get my attention, and once the part knew that my attention was there, I was focused on the part, that tool was no longer needed, and so the tension relaxed, which was really cool.
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However, I've also tried going in with that intention, and parts don't like that because they feel like they're being manipulated.
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And so it's important not to have any intention other than just getting to know the part in a compassionate and curious way.
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Whatever a target part meaning the part I was focused on, was sharing with me, I would notice my reaction to it.
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Sometimes it was another part who was reacting, perhaps a part who was judging that target part.
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So I would acknowledge the part who was feeling judgment and then ask that part for space, and then I would check again, how am I feeling towards that target part? And when I did this enough times, I would usually get to a point where I felt compassion for the part, or curiosity to get to know it better.
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That's what a Self to part connection feels like, and I just kept building on that.
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00:33:03,814.9865393 --> 00:33:06,904.9865393
Over time, my protectors began to soften.
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00:33:07,414.9865393 --> 00:33:15,574.9865393
Those parts became more open to my Self energy's efforts to get to know them better because they trusted that there was good intention there.
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No one was trying to get them to go away.
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No one was judging them.
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My parts became more open to my Self energy's efforts to get to know them.
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00:33:23,156.7812413 --> 00:33:30,986.7812413
And slowly, slowly, those protective parts began to let me access the pain inside of me that they had previously protected me from.
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And they saw that I wasn't overwhelmed by it.
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I wasn't afraid of it.
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I was there for the parts no matter what they shared.
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00:33:37,886.7812413 --> 00:33:41,546.7812413
And that's how we built a very trusting relationship inside of me.
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00:33:41,858.447908 --> 00:33:49,748.447908
Eventually my protector parts let me access a moment in my childhood that contributed to some of the shame that I felt.
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00:33:50,348.447908 --> 00:33:57,488.447908
I witnessed what that young part of me had gone through, which was a comment that someone I cared about had made that really hurt me to my core.
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I hadn't realized that's where so much of my shame had originated but my parts knew.
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My young part had been holding it for me for all of these years, my protector parts had been actively keeping this from my awareness to protect me from being overwhelmed by it, but not anymore.
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00:34:14,288.447908 --> 00:34:17,498.447908
My system was trusting and so it was ready to let me heal.
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By then, all of my parts had gotten the message that Self was here, was safe, and so my young part let me witness her pain, and by me, I mean my Self energy.
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00:34:28,635.1145746 --> 00:34:35,865.1145746
She felt that Self Energy's compassion was there to hold her, and it helped her heal just being witnessed in this way.
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00:34:36,365.1145746 --> 00:34:39,275.1145746
My young part wasn't alone in her pain anymore.
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00:34:40,55.1145746 --> 00:34:44,855.1145746
What she felt was understood, and that in itself was so soothing for her.
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00:34:45,365.1145746 --> 00:34:47,585.1145746
That really is the key ingredient for healing.
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00:34:48,141.7812413 --> 00:34:55,671.7812413
I asked that part if there was anything else she needed before I helped her leave this scene to go somewhere that felt safer to her.
336
00:34:56,121.7812413 --> 00:34:58,611.7812413
And yeah, she actually asked for a do-over.
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00:34:59,61.7812413 --> 00:35:00,801.7812413
Not all parts do, but this one did.
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00:35:01,311.7812413 --> 00:35:03,51.7812413
My Self energy facilitated it.
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00:35:03,231.7812413 --> 00:35:14,433.447908
So in this scene, this imaginative scene in my mind, the person who harmed her put an arm around this young part, took back the hurtful comment and apologized to her in a meaningful way.
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That made a huge difference for her.
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00:35:17,433.447908 --> 00:35:21,93.447908
It didn't matter that this outcome wasn't what happened back then.
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00:35:21,573.447908 --> 00:35:26,843.447908
What mattered was that this part was experiencing it now, and as a result, she was healing.
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00:35:27,668.447908 --> 00:35:31,688.447908
When this young part was ready, I helped her leave the space and go to another location.
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00:35:32,108.447908 --> 00:35:47,98.447908
She, along with many of my parts, like to go to what I call my proverbial shirt pocket, my front pocket that actually is not on most of my clothing, but is kind of just there in an imaginary way 'cause it's close to my heart and they always know they can get my attention if they need it.
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00:35:48,28.447908 --> 00:35:55,101.7812413
I helped this part release the burden she was carrying to make space to welcome in qualities that she wanted to contribute.
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00:35:55,601.7812413 --> 00:36:10,688.447908
After this moment that happened in my imagination, in the presence of my compassionate Self energy, I could clearly feel that the shame that I had been carrying was gone, gone, vanished, no longer present within me.
347
00:36:11,258.447908 --> 00:36:17,298.447908
And ever since I've been able to talk about it without that feeling inside of me, that rush of shame.
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00:36:18,28.447908 --> 00:36:19,758.447908
It no longer exists within me.
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00:36:20,463.447908 --> 00:36:32,313.447908
That is the powerful healing capacity that we can access when we use IFS to practice self-compassion and imagine a world inside of us that is wholehearted and balanced.
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I mentioned in my first episode that IFS is a kind of therapy you can do with a therapist or on your own.
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00:36:40,619.2413745 --> 00:36:42,419.2413745
I wanna expand on that for a moment.
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IFS is a valuable lens through which we can view ourselves and others in our lives.
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As we get to know the model and how it works, our inner system and how it works, having a therapist who can offer their own Self energy to help with the exploration and healing process can be incredibly beneficial and therapeutic.
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00:37:01,669.2413745 --> 00:37:06,19.2413745
When we have multiple Self energies together, they expand exponentially.
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00:37:06,295.9080412 --> 00:37:08,185.9080412
For me, it makes all the difference sometimes.
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00:37:08,185.9080412 --> 00:37:20,410.9080412
I know how to do this work, I help other people with it, but sometimes my parts get stuck and I need my therapist's Self-energy or the collective Self-energy of my IFS practice group to help me, and that makes a difference.
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00:37:20,920.9080412 --> 00:37:36,400.9080412
It's important to note that IFS needs to be used in an intentional way by a skilled therapist when we have a history of overwhelm or trauma that has magnified our coping strategies to the point that our parts can't communicate effectively.
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In fact, they have clear divisions among them.
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00:37:38,920.9080412 --> 00:37:46,480.9080412
And we don't overwhelm parts, we don't push, we don't force because when we do, there's backlash in the system.
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00:37:47,245.9080412 --> 00:37:59,65.9080412
Our strong defenses need to stay there sometimes until we can feel safe enough in our system or get to a safe enough spot in our lives that it is okay to set down some of those defenses.
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00:37:59,65.9080412 --> 00:38:00,445.9080412
So trust your system.
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00:38:00,805.9080412 --> 00:38:05,935.9080412
If you feel a block, you can get curious about it, but don't push through it without permission from your parts.
363
00:38:06,295.9080412 --> 00:38:08,215.9080412
That feels important to mention.
364
00:38:10,577.0801925 --> 00:38:15,767.0801925
So my own internal family now looks and feels nothing like it used to.
365
00:38:16,637.0801925 --> 00:38:19,847.0801925
It's happy, it's healthy and flawed still.
366
00:38:20,327.0801925 --> 00:38:34,412.0801925
I struggle at times still, but my parts all trust now that they are loved and valued, that my Self energy knows that each part has good intentions no matter what, and so each part trusts one another even when they disagree.
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00:38:34,682.0801925 --> 00:38:37,922.0801925
My parts also really enjoy each other's company immensely now.
368
00:38:37,952.0801925 --> 00:38:45,8.7468592
I have a lot of cracking myself up that happens, a lot of playing with one another as we navigate life together.
369
00:38:45,98.7468592 --> 00:38:51,218.7468592
And when things get tough, my parts work together 'cause they all know that they're valued members of the same team.
370
00:38:52,148.7468592 --> 00:38:58,298.7468592
As I've healed many of my wounded parts, I've been amazed at some of the qualities that they've chosen to take in.
371
00:38:58,958.7468592 --> 00:39:03,518.7468592
Creativity and play have become so much more accessible in my life.
372
00:39:03,758.7468592 --> 00:39:05,528.7468592
I've started learning guitar.
373
00:39:05,768.7468592 --> 00:39:11,78.7468592
I've taken up pottery, various fabric arts, knitting, crochet, sewing, quilting.
374
00:39:11,528.7468592 --> 00:39:18,713.7468592
I left my secure job and started a private practice so I could use my time in ways that aligned better with my values and the life I wanna lead.
375
00:39:19,442.0801925 --> 00:39:28,372.0801925
What I have found is some of these activities that I go to when I can find time to go to the pottery studio or swim because that is my preferred form of movement these days.
376
00:39:28,912.0801925 --> 00:39:35,78.7468592
I find that my parts relax back and make space for Self-energy to do some creative work.
377
00:39:35,468.7468592 --> 00:39:44,753.7468592
I spent a lot of time writing this podcast that I am sharing with you now, or at least creating the outline for it through those moments of creative expression.
378
00:39:45,233.7468592 --> 00:39:46,973.7468592
That is when things came to me.
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00:39:47,93.7468592 --> 00:40:02,523.3659068
That is not how I used to create, but there's an evolution that's been happening within my system as I welcome in these qualities, I pursue things in my life that feel good and make sense to me, I notice this growth that's happening and that just feels nice.
380
00:40:02,523.3659068 --> 00:40:08,110.0325734
So none of this felt possible before and now anything feels possible to me.
381
00:40:08,960.0325734 --> 00:40:10,460.0325734
I still have difficult times.
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00:40:10,820.0325734 --> 00:40:13,400.0325734
I had moments this week that were just really hard.
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00:40:13,400.0325734 --> 00:40:24,950.0325734
When I couldn't access my Self energy, I would try and I would find that my parts just had more to share, and so I let them, and then when they were finished, they made more space and I still didn't feel great.
384
00:40:25,10.0325734 --> 00:40:26,180.0325734
And that's okay.
385
00:40:26,720.0325734 --> 00:40:32,120.0325734
Now, when I have triggers, when parenting pushes my buttons, I get curious.
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00:40:32,180.0325734 --> 00:40:38,840.0325734
I have my reactions, and then I make my repairs with my loved ones or with myself, and then I get curious.
387
00:40:39,215.0325734 --> 00:40:39,515.0325734
Hmm.
388
00:40:39,695.0325734 --> 00:40:53,525.0325734
What was that about? What showed up within me? What is that a trailhead leading back to in terms of is there healing that can be done? Or is there just a part of me who needs to be heard and understood right now? Whatever it is, I'm down for it.
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00:40:53,555.0325734 --> 00:41:03,995.0325734
I'm open because I have seen what's staying open, what turning towards my parts and my system does for me, for my life and also for my relationships.
390
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A wise woman once said to me, and I'm hoping she'll be on the podcast eventually, what's in the way is the way, and that is absolutely the case.
391
00:41:13,951.6992401 --> 00:41:17,41.6992401
So turn towards what is in the way and get curious about it.
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As a final note, I wanna leave you with an image that came to me recently, compliments of my active imagination that has actually been quite creative my entire life whether I realized it before or not.
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00:41:30,696.2047248 --> 00:41:33,986.2047248
I went for a walk following a conflict that left me feeling heated.
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00:41:34,676.2047248 --> 00:41:40,466.2047248
As I walked, an image popped into my head of an hourglass that was slowly draining sand out of the bottom.
395
00:41:41,126.2047248 --> 00:41:49,736.2047248
Every step more sand drained out as though that uncomfortable energy that had just found its way into my body was slowly working its way out of my system.
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00:41:50,606.2047248 --> 00:42:00,626.2047248
I found myself turning to look behind me, imagining a trail of sand containing all of my stress and frustration lining the sidewalk that I had just walked across.
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00:42:01,126.2047248 --> 00:42:13,486.2047248
As I turned forward and continued walking, I noticed the sensation of that energy, that tension draining out of me with every step, and pretty soon that hourglass was empty and I just felt better.
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00:42:14,176.2047248 --> 00:42:26,16.2047248
Now, every time I walk, I think about that hourglass draining, and the benefit of each step that is bringing me closer to energy that feels better and closer to a general sense of wellbeing.
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I welcome you to try this for yourself or perhaps an altered version that works better for you, whether you're walking or riding a bike or running, or even just walking from the couch to the kitchen, right? Whatever works for you.
400
00:42:39,431.2047248 --> 00:42:50,471.2047248
Whatever allows you to help energy that doesn't serve you to drain right out of you, leaving space behind to welcome in self-compassion and whatever is aligned with your highest good.
401
00:42:51,71.2047248 --> 00:42:53,291.2047248
Thank you so much for listening my friends.
402
00:42:53,501.2047248 --> 00:42:54,851.2047248
I really appreciate you.
403
00:42:55,601.2047248 --> 00:42:56,171.2047248
Namaste.
404
00:42:57,161.2047248 --> 00:42:58,391.2047248
Take care of yourselves.
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Till next time.