Why Do Some Couples Feel Further Apart After Raising a Family Together?

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Welcome to Authentic Traveling Podcast.
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This is a sacred space to share soulful truth that nourishes the body, which relates the mind and awakens the spirit as a traptide human being.
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I am your host, Abia Sonia Ebenezer Balma Bayon.
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I am a life coach, a counselor and a speaker who is passionate about personal transformation.
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I'm also an author of the book Inner Ammonia Resilience Beyond Chronic Stress and Burnout.
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It is available on Amazon and on my website www.aseconsultancy.com.
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On this podcast, we hold space for real stories through interview and we have an honest reflection about the journey of our speakers or our guests.
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We share so for conversation with them in order for us to be able to extract their lessons and how they were able to survive very difficult experiences so that we do not have to reinvent the will, but to learn from them and to grow and rise together.
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I also share experiences from my own life and also from what is happening in the community so that we can learn and also from a professional perspective.
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Because striving isn't about just surviving the past, it's about living with courage, gratitude, and harmony for holistic well-being.
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Thank you for joining me.
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On today's episode, I am going to be unpacking the deeper layers of relationship, and in this context, it's going to be marriage, right?
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We're going to dive into the powerful lessons behind many divorces, especially those that have lasted 20, 25 years, 30 years.
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We hear that these big names about these people that have been in these um marriages at the end of the day, they just we hear that they are divorcing.
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Why are they just leaving?
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What happened?
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On this episode, you're gonna find that one of the most invisible reasons people go their separate ways.
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One of the invisible reasons.
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Even the couple sometimes it bypasses their consciousness, and by the time they are aware of it, it's already too late.
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Now, according to the National Institute of Earth and Studies, they found out that most of the top reasons that people go for divorce is lack of commitment, infidelity, constant conflicts, and things like that.
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And another common one now, especially in the in England and Wales, is on the ground of unreasonable behavior.
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And some of the time they'll say, Okay, fine, we'll be separated, we're living different life.
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What is the point of staying together?
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What is the point of deceiving ourselves?
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And once the separation is two years with consent, and they just go for divorce at the end of the day.
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However, beneath those statistics, there is often a story that sometimes these researchers do not capture.
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I've been able to observe and I find out that this reason is there, it's very subtle, which is why it bypasses the consciousness of the couple and sometimes even people around them.
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If I put in a story, maybe you know, but let me also name what it is lack of emotional bond.
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Lack of emotional bond do not just happen overnight, it takes time.
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So let me share you a story.
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Now, this story is fictional, however, the reality is so true.
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The names, that's why I said the the the names is um yeah, fictional is real.
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The names are not always it's not real life, okay.
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However, I'm just gonna put this into a story.
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Maybe we'll be able to relate with it more.
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So meet Ada and James.
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They've been married for over 25 years.
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James is a beautiful, beautiful provider, he works so hard, it takes on long shift in order for his family to have the beautiful lifestyle that they've carved for themselves.
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Imagine going on holiday to Dubai, going on holiday to America, and doing at least two or three of those holidays per year.
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They have debts as well, which they're trying to also clear bit by bit.
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So all of these things, and the children as well go to a private school, and the wife is working as well.
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However, she's working as a teaching assistant in the school where the children are also schooling.
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So they decide to do that so that the children will have a bit of stability, since James is always working a lot.
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However, James is the one that is bringing up the huge buck of the money that is needed to run the family in the lifestyle that they've covered for themselves.
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They drive a very good car, and most of the time, the dad works too many long hours.
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That is not able to attend the sports day, he's not able to attend the end-of-year Christmas show, he's not able to attend the parents and the teachers' meeting where they check the student work and the progress that they are meeting, that they are making in school.
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However, mom does her best to ensure that she gives feedback to the dad.
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They live in a bigger house, in the eyebrow area.
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And this makes all of them look very, very comfortable.
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Remember, the wife is the one that is always present.
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She attends all the sports activities, she takes them for activities outside of school, she attends all the parents' meetings, she knows all her friends, her children's friends' name, and their parents as well.
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Now, both James and Ada go on this holiday.
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This does that's the time James has a bit of um moment with the with the family.
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But remember, these holidays are twice or three times a year.
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Both of them they are very invested in their children.
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However, it's showing up in different ways with James bringing the bulk of the money, and Ada is one, the mother that is always there, making sure that this money is being spent wisely for the upkeep of the house and the upkeep of the children.
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Years go by, everything seems fine, everything they all seem very, very happy, and very soon the children are in secondary school, and before you know it, they are in college, and children grow really, really fast.
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And now they are university, they all grew up in a safe base.
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Remember, there was no quarreling, nothing.
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They had the comfort that they want, and they went on these um luxury holidays, right?
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So everything looks very, very fine.
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And before you know it, the two children then graduated from university, and they both got a job in the cities where they were where where they where they were going to uni.
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So this was very, very far from home.
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Now, before you know it, Ada and James are now at home alone.
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They are what we call the empty nesters.
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They are home, they are looking at each other across the dining table, but they don't really know each other.
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There is no more football practice for Ada to take the children to.
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There's no more school run.
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Now, James is still working really hard.
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His job is to keep him going, but now Ada has the old house to herself.
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There is no space anymore for her to cover up those gaps with her children's activity.
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Now, allow me to tell you, at this point, these two just realize that they have not been husband and wife for a long time, they have been co-parenting as a project.
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So they're as good as being project coordinators, and the project in question is their children.
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Now their children have left the house.
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They are what we call empty nesters.
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What will a dad do with herself now that there is no running around for the children, taking them to college or to uni?
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What will James do with his wife?
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He's still working, the school holiday will come.
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Remember, she's a teacher assistant and she has all this holiday to herself.
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Now, the two to three holiday times in a year is no longer enough to meet our emotional need.
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And they realize that they don't really know each other that well anymore for years.
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Their marriage revolves around parenting as a project.
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Remember, now that the project is complete, what would they do?
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That lack of emotional bond is there.
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What can they do to cover this?
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When emptiness that syndrome begins to happen, the man marital strain begins to become very, very loud and obvious.
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When the kids are home, the business is masked under looking after the children.
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However, when the children are gone, what happened?
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The silence becomes really, really louder.
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And the emotional bond that does not exist between them becomes really really visible.
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If the marriage was also constantly on just being comfortable, without no emotionally bonded, they don't know each other very well.
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They don't know what they like and what they don't like anymore.
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All they are just doing is busyness, but they are not productively pouring into one another.
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They are emotionally bankrupt, even though their bank accounts may be flowing with a lot of money, even more than they can need, and enough to even give to people that need it.
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With space to breathe, people begin to ask questions.
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Do I feel senior?
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Do I feel love?
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Is this marriage enough?
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Do I feel fulfilled?
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Is my marriage fulfilling me?
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Am I really married or am just a co-tenant with my husband in the house?
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Or maybe are we just strangers that are just sharing maybe an accommodation like when you're in a hotel?
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Maybe you went for a training and you went with your colleague.
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What are we?
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The truth is painful because the man on the other hand will feel like I have been making a lot of compromise.
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Why can't my wife just appreciate it?
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I have been working these long hours to ensure that the family is comfortable, to ensure that we are able to maintain our great and luxurious lifestyle.
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And then the wife on the other hand was like, why is this man so ungrateful?
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I have put everything on hold to ensure that I even got a job that will suit the need, me meeting the needs of the children, so that they have a wholesome upbringing.
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Why can't this man just take all it or work a shutter shift to be able to spend time with me and meet my emotional need?
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So she herself she's also feeling like a compromise is not being appreciated.
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The man is feeling like his compromise is not being appreciated.
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They are both lonely, however, they are lonely for different reasons.
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He is lonely because he's been working long hours, she is lonely because the children who she used to cover the emotional um gap, they are gone.
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They are both compromised, yes, for the family, but they've not compromised for their marriage.
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They've not compromised for their union.
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So these are the reasons.
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Some you know, it's very this is very subtle.
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This is why when the children leave the house, you see that people that are getting divorced, they're like, uh, they've been married for 30 years.
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We thought they were fine.
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What happened?
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This is one of the most subtle reasons people get divorced.
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When I cancel a couple, I begin to see these things, and sometimes they still don't see it that they are emotionally bankrupt, even though they are financially viable, they are not emotionally bonded, they don't know each other anymore, they are looking at one another, they don't know each other anymore.
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So, what can be done?
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What can be done?
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What can we do where the woman is feeling unappreciated, the man is feeling unappreciated?
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They are both right, but they are also very wrong because the approach that they've used in bringing up their family or their marriage is just for the whole family, but they've neglected themselves.
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How can we begin to mend this?
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It is never too late to rebuild a bond, however, we have to be ready to invest in our relationship as we invest in our children.
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Remember, it was two of you first before the children came.
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So, what are the solutions?
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One of them is intentional dates nights.
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We shouldn't wait till the kids leave the house before we date.
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They are babysitters.
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This is where our support system comes in, whereby you are also close enough with another family, and then sometimes they can babysit while you go on date night with your spouse, and you can also babysit their children while they go on a date night with their spouse.
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So that is not a reason that we are so busy.
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No, you have to be intentional, just both of you going on family holiday is beautiful.
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I love it.
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I love going on a road trip with my family, but intentionally having a date night where both of you are just looking into each other's eyes and whispering sweet words to one another.
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It doesn't have to be expensive, you can even do it in your house where you take the children to um the babysitter or to your support system, and that you can create that environment in your house whereby you create intentional intimacy with one another, you don't wait until you are both sleeping in the night and your body touch before you start doing that.
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No, we have to ensure that we intentionally feel each other's emotional bank accounts.
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You know, there's also the micro-daily connection.
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Research shows that when you are your partner often, do you know that you are bonding heart to heart when you're talking, spending time, even if during his lunchtime, you ring him up and just talk to him.
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Those small daily moments able to build intimacy.
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It's just like every little herb, every little emotional um investment that you're making, they bring you a bigger return of investment.
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You can just drop a test.
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I'm thinking of you today, and I'm looking forward to our midnight talk today or our bedtime talk.
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You know, investing in each other, refilling one another is so so important.
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This episode is sponsored by ASAP Consultancy, a home of personal transformation for the mind, body, and soul.
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Why don't you visit our website www.asebconsultancy.com.
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Back to the program now.
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Another one is sharing similar hobbies.
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You don't have to do everything on and but that similar hobbies you might be used to watching um humorous um movies together, or maybe just watching funny videos together and having that belly, you know, that belly laugh where you laugh, ha ha ha ha that's so funny, honey.
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What was funny, and then you just talk to one another, or it reaches a way both of you on a Saturday, you both make the family breakfast together, whereby you can rest one another.
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You will, if you're making pancake, for example, you wakes the egg, whether you are measuring the other ingredients, and then you just make your meal together, and just have those chats in the kitchen whereby you are spending time, you are also emotionally, you know, um pouring into one another, and then you are also having that time where your body touches one another and things like that.
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It is so important.
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Another one is discovering new adventures together.
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Discover new adventures together.
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If you are both like me and my husband, I enjoy working together, especially in nature, you can discover new parts together.
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Whereby maybe you went on a walk and you were not able to make it that day.
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The day you go on the walk, you say honey, I've discovered a new route.
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Can you believe that this route can lead to this route?
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And then you just share those common things together.
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If you are both into um similar obi and you discover a new thing in that obey that both of you fancy together, you can share, you know, even maybe you both enjoy cooking and it made this food.
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He realized that when you combine these ingredients and that ingredients together, it works really well.
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You can just share that.
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It creates dopamine release in the body, it strengthens emotional connection.
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Now, sharing goals together as well, whereby you are both accountability partners, so you know, accountability partners, whereby at the beginning of the year you have your your one-year goal, you break it into two months, or every three months, or every four months, and every month at the beginning or at the end of the month, you just meet up together.
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Where are you up to with your goals?
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What are you doing?
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What next?
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How are we what are we doing this year?
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Where are we traveling to?
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Where what are we doing?
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Well, how often are we going to have our date night?
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It's not only business of goals I want to achieve.
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I want to be the first C um the first um manager in my family.
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No, that's not what it is.
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You have to incorporate the 12 wills, the 12 wills of life, whereby you have the leisure, you have the um the family time, you have your spiritual time, you have your finance, you have your career, you have your personal development, all of these things whereby both of you check with one another.
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There's another part again whereby both of you grow.
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I know of people whereby they were both childhood lovers.
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Childhood lovers, right?
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And at the end of the day, the woman was investing in herself, so much so that she started seeing her husband as being it her.
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Because the man was not investing in himself, both of them they were not growing at the same level, they were no longer on par, even though they were still husband and wife.
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In order for us to endure our personal growth, we also have to encourage one another to grow so we don't look down on one another.
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So we have to dream together, we have to grow together for a more fulfilled and holistic marriage.
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We also have to have this conversation.
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You don't wait and say, Oh, because the children is there, I don't want to argue.
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The children will go to school.
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You can say, Only when is your lunchtime today?
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Can we meet up at a cafe?
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Can we meet up at this place?
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And then you go and meet them, you can talk about what you've noticed.
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You don't wait until start compiling, and then you're just like, I just want peace.
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And you just leave it.
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And then these habits turn soon turn into resentments, whereby you begin to look at your spouse, with your spouse with disdain.
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You start looking at them with bitterness that is always leaving his bosses here.
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She is always leaving her tower here.
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She will never close the toothpaste well.
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I'm always closing it for her.
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I've told her several times.
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And then start welling up.
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You start building it up, and before you know it, you have a skyscraper of resentment.
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Towards your spouse.
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And remember, if you were putting up with ease or a bad behavior, you by the because of the children, you want your children to grow up in a good home and everything.
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By the time they become independent, that reason is no longer strong enough.
00:22:16.400 --> 00:22:20.079
This is why that same person will be the one to ask for a divorce.
00:22:20.799 --> 00:22:22.160
We ought to be careful.
00:22:22.319 --> 00:22:26.000
I have seen one too many in the counseling room.
00:22:26.160 --> 00:22:30.160
And I begin to wonder, how come nobody noticed it?
00:22:30.559 --> 00:22:32.160
Don't just talk about bills.
00:22:32.480 --> 00:22:35.359
Oni, can you can you give me the money for the household?
00:22:35.519 --> 00:22:36.480
Oh, this is finished.
00:22:36.559 --> 00:22:38.640
Oh, Oni, we need to pay the mortgage.
00:22:38.720 --> 00:22:39.680
Oh, Oni, we need to.
00:22:39.839 --> 00:22:41.519
It's not only bills that you talk about.
00:22:41.680 --> 00:22:43.759
You can talk about other things.
00:22:44.720 --> 00:22:46.319
You can talk about other things.
00:22:46.480 --> 00:22:50.559
The health, the physical well-being, the emotional well-being.
00:22:51.599 --> 00:22:56.640
Now I want you to reflect on this question I'm about to share.
00:22:57.359 --> 00:23:02.400
I want you to sit your husband or your wife down and ask on it.
00:23:02.880 --> 00:23:09.359
If the kids were to leave home today, what will be left of us as a couple?
00:23:09.759 --> 00:23:11.039
Think about it.
00:23:11.680 --> 00:23:17.359
If the children are no longer at home, they have all gone, they are now settled.
00:23:17.839 --> 00:23:21.119
What will become of us as a couple?
00:23:23.039 --> 00:23:25.519
What will become of us as a couple?
00:23:26.079 --> 00:23:28.079
What is the bond that we share?
00:23:28.240 --> 00:23:35.440
And if you notice any crack, how can we begin to rebuild and begin to close this gap?
00:23:35.920 --> 00:23:47.440
We need to build intentional, emotional bonding habits in our relationship because marriage is more than just about raising children.
00:23:47.680 --> 00:23:54.720
I know they said in Genesis, God said we should be fruitful and multiply the earth.
00:23:55.279 --> 00:24:02.559
But also, we should know that it's about raising love over and over again in our marriage as well.
00:24:03.519 --> 00:24:11.200
As we come to a close in this podcast, I want you to remember your children grow really fast.
00:24:11.359 --> 00:24:12.880
Like I tell a lot of people.
00:24:13.039 --> 00:24:18.319
When I look at my children today, I begin to ask myself, look at me.
00:24:18.880 --> 00:24:22.559
This small girl with a big gun, have these big children.
00:24:22.880 --> 00:24:25.599
And I'm like, wow, God, you are so merciful.
00:24:25.759 --> 00:24:37.200
I remember when I was just pregnant and then had them and start breastfeeding and I start taking them to their first time in school, and then before you know it, they are also working as well.
00:24:38.240 --> 00:24:43.839
They are not making sound choices that will inform the trajectory of their life.
00:24:44.559 --> 00:24:52.400
Children are meant to grow and fly away in their wings, and they will see the report of all our investments.
00:24:52.640 --> 00:24:59.200
But we must not sacrifice our marriages on the ground of raising children.
00:24:59.759 --> 00:25:05.839
Because the children will go, but our marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment.
00:25:06.640 --> 00:25:13.680
Don't allow parents to become a project whereby your husband or your wife become a project coordinator with you.
00:25:14.240 --> 00:25:17.519
Or your spouse before you open your eyes, it's not a stranger.
00:25:18.799 --> 00:25:21.119
Now I'm not saying you should abandon the project.
00:25:21.440 --> 00:25:27.680
Pour in your children, raise some children, pour in yourself, pour in your spouse.
00:25:27.920 --> 00:25:30.720
Both of you fill up your emotional bank.
00:25:31.599 --> 00:25:35.839
Your return of investment will come out when the children have gone.
00:25:37.119 --> 00:25:46.559
Let's not allow emptiness season be a season of graveyard because of lack of connection that wasn't that that wasn't built from the beginning.
00:25:47.200 --> 00:25:50.079
Let it be a garden of rediscovery.
00:25:50.400 --> 00:25:58.720
I've seen people, once their children have left, oh my god, they start living like young couples again.
00:25:59.599 --> 00:26:04.319
Because their emotional bank was constantly nourished.
00:26:04.559 --> 00:26:06.880
It was not bankrupt at all.
00:26:07.279 --> 00:26:10.799
They start looking younger, they start doing things even more.
00:26:10.880 --> 00:26:14.880
And sometimes they start looking alike, isn't that just amazing?
00:26:15.200 --> 00:26:17.359
That is what I want to build.
00:26:17.680 --> 00:26:19.920
That is what I want us to build.
00:26:20.079 --> 00:26:24.160
That is what I want you to build, our community, people in the world.
00:26:24.400 --> 00:26:30.480
Love is a beautiful thing, but love that is not looked after with soon weather.
00:26:31.039 --> 00:26:36.720
Like a flower that was not that was plucked away from the st from the from the branches.
00:26:37.440 --> 00:26:39.920
We ought to be very, very careful.
00:26:40.720 --> 00:26:42.559
I want to thank you for joining me.
00:26:42.640 --> 00:26:45.440
This has been Authentic Driving Podcast.
00:26:45.519 --> 00:27:01.039
I really do hope this particular episode makes you just sit down with your spouse, put up your emotional bank, and make sure as you are growing your bank account financially, make sure you are also growing your emotional bank.
00:27:01.279 --> 00:27:18.000
And when the children, whether they are there or not, both of you are nourishing one another, you are loving upon one another, you are spending time, you are having that connection every now and then with one another.
00:27:18.400 --> 00:27:29.599
Love is not a one-time decision, it is a daily practice that will most service often in order for you to grow and blossom.
00:27:29.839 --> 00:27:32.160
Love is a beautiful thing with our intention.
00:27:33.200 --> 00:27:33.519
Okay?
00:27:34.160 --> 00:27:37.440
Until I come your way again, take care and God bless.
00:27:37.519 --> 00:27:38.559
I remain your host.
00:27:38.960 --> 00:27:40.079
I'll be a sooner.