Learning How to Accept Help and Why it Matters

kelly: Hello, my friends. I'm so glad you're here with me for a little part of your week. My name is Kelly McGurk. I'm your host of All the Light She Found. So this week, the topic came out of a couple of interactions that happened to me, and they're completely unrelated, but they reminded me of a few important things that I thought I would share with you guys. So kind of started with. My son-in-law and I put together this outdoor couch and it turned out to be quite an adventure. He's great. And it ended up taking like three hours and there was a million pieces and a million boxes. So the story starts with boxes. So my son-in-law works, we're super hot. we were like, whoa, this is a way bigger project than we had originally thought it might be, which is how most of these things go. anyway, so when he had finished, you know, he had broken down a lot of the boxes and there were still some. You know, he did a really great job. And they were all outside of my patio door. And he's like, Do you want me to, you know, move all these? And I was like, No, because I was feeling so bad that, you know, he had already worked three hours in the blazing hot sun and helped me get this done. So I'm like, No, no, no, no worries. I got this. It'll be easy. And so then later, maybe the next day, someone was at my house and he was like, Hey, can I help you with these boxes? And I was like, no, no, no, no, I've I've got this. and it was like immediately without even thinking about it, I'm like, no, no, no, I've got this. Well, of course I've got it. I can carry a dad gun box. I've been figuring stuff out my entire life. But later, when I was actually doing it the next day by myself and I was dragging 10 million boxes over to the side of my house to put in the recycle, I was like, why did I say no? Like, why didn't I want help. It wasn't like this person was saying you appear to be incapable of moving a box. It was more like, hey, I'm here. Let me help you. And somehow those are two completely different things, right? So I started thinking about it. And I was like, why does I'm capable of doing it so quickly become, therefore, I should do it alone? And that's kind of what I want to talk about today, because this really isn't about boxes, obviously. This was just something that kind of came to my mind. But I started to think that we actually can create an identity around being capable. Like I know I have. And I think there are people who have built their whole identity around I can do it. I can be capable. I am capable. And you know, a lot of that came out of necessity, obviously, you know, but I've run businesses and I was a single mom for seven years and I've taken care of people and handled a lot of crisis and I've worked through my own grief and I've made decisions where there wasn't anybody standing next to me telling me what to do. big decisions. And basically, I've done a lot of hard things like the rest of you. It's not like I'm the only one out there. And there's something incredibly empowering about knowing that I can handle my life. Like for me, there is. And I realized though that somewhere along the way. I can handle it quietly became I should handle it. And then not just I should handle it, but I should handle it by myself. And it kind of turned into like, maybe you don't need anyone, right? Like, not in a way that I don't want people in my life, but it's kind of a progression that I started to reflect on. And it literally was over the box conversation, but I started to reflect on that, like about hyper independence and hyper independent. Hyperindependence, it served me well. Like, don't get me wrong. Like, as I look back on my life, hyperindependence clearly has worked for me and it created success for me and kept me motivated. but I think like I don't know that I actually thought of it as a choice, more of something that felt like safe to me, because if I was in charge of it and I was handling it, then I knew I wouldn't be disappointed. Right. and I wondered to myself after that, like, why are we better at being needed than being helped? Like when you're hyper independent and super capable, like Why did that become easier for us to be needed than to be helped? And I gotta tell you, I'll help you, man. You need something, I'm there. You need advice, done. You're hurting, I'm sitting down, I'm here for it. You need somebody to help organize your crisis. I will appoint myself CEO. Like helping feels so comfortable to me. And there's actually something interesting happening there because when I'm helping, I realized I have control. I get to decide what I give, I decide how much, I decide when. And then I decide, okay, I can be useful. I'm competent. I know my role. But receiving is so different. Receiving requires me to acknowledge that there is actually something you can give me that I cannot or don't have to give myself. Like you. actually can give me something. And that makes it so much more vulnerable for me. Like I think back on that and I'm like, what did I learn about needing people like in my life? And it's kind of easy to track back to periods of time where I was forced to really show up in situations. But like it's just so interesting, like it's not are you independent, but what did we learn about needing people? Like if you ask yourself that, like what did you learn about needing other people? And are you comfortable receiving help? Or are you more comfortable being the one offering help? Was needing someone safe when you were growing up? Did people show up for you? Or were you often disappointed? When you were growing up, did you have to earn help? Did somebody make you feel guilty after helping you? Or like some of us in some of my previous episodes, when we were growing up, were we praised for being mature and easy and responsible and strong? Like Was that something that was valued in your home growing up? So did you learn that the easiest way not to be disappointed was simply just not to ask? Cause sometimes what we proudly call independence started somewhere else, right? Like as with most things that I talk about on here, it all starts at a much earlier age than most of us would think. And we kind of start reflecting and going, okay, so when I was young and going through a divorce or when this happened in college, but it actually really starts much, much younger than that. And I always think that's so interesting because when we're reflecting and going, gosh, where did I learn that I should, you know, do it myself? And you start thinking like at a much older age. But I bet if you reflect on the household that you grew up in. And the nature of the people that were around you, the adult people that were around you when you grew up, you learned how to behave in that environment. You learned how much they were willing to give and what you got rewarded for and where you found approval. Okay. And it could have been in handling things and they're like, you're so amazing. You're so helpful. Or, you know, being the one that they never had to worry about. There was some honor in that. And so when you think about it back towards that part of your life and how we carry those things through, and then it starts really young and then it kind of builds from there. And then you just sort of it becomes a part of your personality and your identity, whether you're someone who, you know, there's other people who need help a lot and they have no problem receiving help. And that's not a bad thing either. that's just not how. I operate for sure. but learning how to watch for that and like like the boxing was just kind of a big deal because as I was doing it by myself, I was like, well, this is crazy because I could have had help twice. And I was like, yeah, no, no, no. And then I'm doing it and I was fine doing it. Trust me, this isn't a box story at all. It wasn't that big of a deal, but it was just funny that I was like, wonder why I do that. Like, I wonder why I'm just like, no, no, no, I got it. I got it. No, no, thanks. and I started thinking about that. And so, of course, then I'm like, like, let's make a podcast about that. I think though, sometimes when we say, Don't worry about me or I've got it, what it really means is sometimes. I've learned not to expect anyone to help me. So that's very different than don't worry about me. Okay. It's not necessarily tragic at all, let's be honest. And it's not necessarily something that we need to diagnose as usual. I say that's kind of like where we go overboard trying to make everything pathologized, right? But I do think it's like worth looking at in your life if you're noticing, like, yeah, I really do have a hard time. asking for help or receiving it. I think it's just something worth noticing for ourselves. I think for me, when I look back, I think I'm better at surviving than receiving. I think a lot of us, not just me, and I'm sharing it because I think I share this with a lot of us, learning how to thrive even in chaos and how to survive hard things and how to not just survive them, but like walk through them successfully, right? It's kind of like that's a superpower because surviving has instructions in my mind. Something happens, I handle it. I make a call, I solve a problem, I keep moving. but receiving requires stillness. When someone says to us, Let me, and you have to resist saying, No, no, no, I'm fine. Think about that. like, if you have to stop yourself and resist going, no, I'm fine, and just ask yourself why. Like, why would that have been a problem for them to help me in any situation? Right. And I've talked about that in a previous episode with the hyperindependence and, you know, the requirement of life sometimes to show up strong and to be the strong one, it becomes a pattern. And Saying no, I'm fine becomes like an automatic response instead of like maybe what's really going on, like, man, life is hitting me right now. And I don't know. I just thought about this, like how well, there's another thing that happened last week besides the boxes. I was at an event with some girlfriends and a friend that I hadn't seen in like poof, gosh, a couple of years probably. And of course she was like, I I've thought about calling you. I'm I feel terrible that I haven't reached out. And I was like, no, no, no. Like I've been doing good. Thank you though. Like I, you know, I didn't reach out for you either. Like, you know, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, yeah, but you had all this stuff go down. And I was like, no, no worries. And then she proceeds to tell me some some pretty hard personal things that were medically going on with her that really kind of shut her down for quite a few months. And it made me think of How often do we forget that maybe people's lack of communication or, you know, lack of responsiveness is because they're going through something really hard too. You know? I felt so bad when I knew what she'd been carrying, and she had this guilt because she didn't respond to me over what I carried. And I walked away thinking about how strange it is that we can be standing right next to someone and have absolutely no idea what their life currently is requiring of them. You know? Like everyone we encounter has this interior life that we don't get to see. And and I think we're all very aware of that. We forget it sometimes, but I think we're all Very aware that so many things are happening with even the people we care about deeply that they may not be sharing immediately with us. You know, somebody who's waiting for biopsy results, or someone's marriage is falling apart, or someone's kid isn't doing great, or someone's grieving, or someone's terrified about money, or someone is feeling crazy lonely and they don't know how to reach out. You know, we can look completely fine. And they may be using every ounce of energy they have to show up looking fine. And I just think we need to remember that, like of each other, you know? It's the life that we don't see, right? Like we always talk about on social media how everybody's putting on their, you know, their best light and we don't know what's happening. But I mean, just we're all walking around just seeing tiny pieces of one another and without the whole picture. You know, like somebody maybe who's short with you at the grocery store or a friend who doesn't text back or coworker who seems distracted. You know, we don't know. And that doesn't mean that crappy behavior doesn't have consequences. Like again, I always want to make sure when I'm saying these things, like obviously everybody understands that I'm saying it within the realm of that could be a possibility. You could also have a crappy friend who's just always dropping the ball, and that's another topic for another day. But It doesn't mean we don't have boundaries because somebody's struggling, but it does mean that there might be more happening than the part of the story we can see. And maybe just knowing that gives us a little more room for grace for other people and maybe for ourselves too, you guys. I mean, I'm just wondering. And I'm and I'm gonna push the limits on some of this, but I I do think it's worth exploring for just a second. Bringing the idea about The simple box story. Okay. Maybe that individual wasn't just offering help with a box, but maybe they were offering participation in my life. And that's very different. Because I think a lot of times when we refuse offers of help, we're thinking, I don't want to burden you. But the person who cares about us might be thinking, I want to matter here. And like I think that we forget that sometimes. I know when I was going through really deep grief periods. And people would show up and I'd be like, I am so sorry. Like, I am the friend that is always in crisis and I feel terrible. And they'd be like, It's an honor to sit here with you. I think we forget sometimes that people want to be a part of our life and they want to show up for you and they want to matter in your life. And allowing someone to help isn't making yourself smaller. Okay. It's sometimes letting the relationship get bigger. When you let people contribute, when you let them love you in a way that they know how to love. Like for that's for all of the people in our lives, right? Like I know I find it an honor to walk with people in hard seasons. And then somehow when I'm struggling in my life, now this isn't going to the box story. Okay. The box story is very simple, but when I'm struggling in my life, somehow I feel like a burden to other people. And I think like we forget that somehow and sometimes that's the way people show up and that's how they know how to love, is just to walk with you and sit with you. And I think when you say, Yes, please come in, what you're saying is there's room for you here. And that's one of the things I'm learning in this season of my life. I am freaking a master at knowing how to survive. I've got plenty of evidence and I know how to be strong. But I think maybe for me, the next lesson isn't proving that I can carry more. It's learning that I don't always have to. Because being able to carry something doesn't mean you are meant to carry it alone. Right? So I want you to notice this week, not fix, not analyze to death, you guys, just notice where do you automatically say, hey, I've got this? And when someone offers help, what happens inside of you? Like, are you relieved? Are you embarrassed? Are you annoyed? Do you feel guilty? fear of owing them something. I mean, that's how I used to operate. If somebody did something for me, I automatically was thinking what I could do to repay them immediately. another question to wonder is do you immediately minimize what you're carrying so that people don't feel like you're a burden? I know for sure I am, but are you better at being needed than being helped? So I have an experiment this week. It's tiny, you guys. But if you're one of those people, let somebody do something for you and don't apologize. And don't explain why you technically could have done it yourself. Just say thank you. And let someone carry a box. I've been thinking about my friend and I've been thinking about those boxes. And someone asking me if I wanted help and how quickly I send out. And I've been thinking about how many people I've probably passed this week who are carrying something I couldn't see. And maybe that's the thing. We are all carrying something. And some of it's visible, but a whole lot of it isn't. And being strong doesn't mean pretending the weight isn't heavy. And being capable doesn't mean That nobody gets to help. I'm just wondering, you guys, maybe being human isn't not about finally getting to the part where nothing hurts anymore, because that's not going to be possible. But I wonder if maybe it's realizing that everybody around us is carrying something and somehow we keep carrying each other too. Sometimes without even knowing it. So maybe this week when somebody reaches for your box, let them. Guys, where'd you find a little light this week? And who might need a little bit of yours? I'm Kelly, and this is all the light she found.