WEBVTT
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Hold for cement truck.
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Hold for cement truck.
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Applause, applause, applause.
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Welcome to Against His Will with Noah Gardensworth, the reluctant, and Esther Steinberg, the person who did all the work.
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Oh, I thought you were gonna go Esther Steinberg, the very willing.
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But yes, episode two.
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She got me back.
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We're doing it again.
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Yay, how are you, Noah?
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I'm good.
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I'm feeling good.
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Learning something new every time about podcasting.
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Uh, episode one, I learned not to breathe into the mic.
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In watching episode one, I've learned for episode two to sit forward on the pillow so it doesn't look like I have the juiciest tits in the world for the entire episode.
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How do I sit back like this?
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You sit back, you want the tits.
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I'll sit forward, I don't want the tits.
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But yeah, I had more fun than I expected for episode one, and we'll see how episode two episode two goes.
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But you're feeling good.
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Uh I'm feeling okay.
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I think I got a little cold from traveling.
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I went home uh for literally five hours.
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I I went back to Denver to check out the theater where I'll be shooting my special in April.
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So I flew in for the afternoon to meet the director.
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And I have to say, if you're gonna go home, five hours is the great time frame to do it.
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I got to have lunch with my sister, did what I needed to do, and then got out of there.
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But in that five hours, my dad gave me a ride to the airport, which was enough time for him to ask me how work is going.
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And I had to say, no different than when you asked me how work was going yesterday.
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It's like boomers are pre-programmed to be like, did you make money today?
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Did you make money today?
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Boomers are gonna boom.
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Well, there's the did you make money?
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And also as my mom likes to say, dates are not calorie-free, or like anything has calories, or like I did a video where I was eating a bagel, and my mom's comment was should be enjoyed with moderation, which was her way of saying that bagel has a lot of calories, you fat pig.
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But she said should be enjoyed in moderation with three hearts to let you know that it's coming from a place of love.
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Coming from a place of love.
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Did you make money?
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Coming from a place of love.
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Where's your money?
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That has calories.
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Yes, the the cowboy.
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What do we say?
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Boomers are gonna boom.
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Boomers are gonna boom.
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The constant pestering to make sure your work is going okay and that you're eating okay does come from a place of love.
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But boy oh boy, does it make me want to pull my hair out.
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Um, the bagel, I went to the the child's classroom to read books, and I very quickly they I had 30 minutes to kill.
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So I went to Einstein's bagel.
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So I posted, wow, humiliated that I love Einstein bagels so much, and me eating a bagel.
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Innocent post.
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And I was acknowledging that Einstein bagels is is a gross take on bagels.
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First you went Einstein's bagel, then Einstein bagels, and I think it's actually Einstein's bagels.
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You've said it two or three times and haven't said it correctly once.
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I'm a boomer.
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The Einstein's bagels.
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So I'm either.
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No, that's what it is, Einstein's bagels.
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Oh, I got it right.
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Okay.
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As I'm trying to get it wrong, I get it right.
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I'm gonna Google it.
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Well, you keep telling your story, I'm gonna go.
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Okay, the story is this I have never gotten so much polarizing information from people.
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Everyone had a comment.
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It was my most viewed, most commented social media post of all time.
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A story that said, humiliated to admit how much I like Einstein's bagel.
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It's actually Einstein brothers bagels.
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Whatever.
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People know it as Einstein's bagels.
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But anyway, they're already way too much time spent on Einstein's.
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But the point is holy moly, people are like, that place is great.
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Those sandwiches are amazing.
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Yes, yes, Einstein.
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Or you should be ashamed of yourself.
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This is despicable.
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We're pulling your Jew card.
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How dare you?
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You are filth.
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And I'm like, whoa, whoa.
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I had no idea the kind of content that I was creating was so controversial in 2026.
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I'm sorry, I'm garbage.
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It was the one that was closest.
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It's about convenience.
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And also, it was good.
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It is good.
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I like Einstein Brothers bagels.
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Um, I have been staying away from bagels in the cruelest twist of irony.
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I have no problem talking about it.
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I started taking testosterone injections.
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I had my 42-year-old check up.
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The doctor said I'm in the normal range, but I'm on the low end of normal for testosterone.
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It's only a matter of time before I have low T.
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So he's Oh, I'm sorry.
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I just don't want to hear about men's hormonal issues.
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Oh no.
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You know how many videos you sent me about the luteal phase?
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Whatever the hell that is.
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You can sit and listen to this for a second.
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Uh so anyway, I started taking these testosterone injections, which the doctor told me was also going to help with weight loss.
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And I've literally been working out harder than ever, eating better than ever, no bagels.
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Are you sure he was just mispronouncing Ozempic?
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No, no, no.
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It's just testosterone injections.
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I'm not I'm not doing the GLP ones.
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But the worst part is, even though it ultimately helps with weight loss, for the first four to eight weeks, it creates weight gain with like water retention.
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So I'm actually eating right and working out and have never been or felt fatter, which is a giant kick in the nuts.
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Well, you have done something that I find amazing.
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Well, you're cutting out certain food, and I'm very proud of you.
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And the kids call you names and you and I defend you.
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Yes.
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When my kids go, Why is your belly so big?
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She's like, hey, he's going through a hormonal change, as if a three-year-old and a five-year-old, and then and then it just leads to what's a hormone, and then it's just an entire set of questions about daddy's big fat belly at 6 a.m.
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that I want no part of in any direction.
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And also, what's a hormone is an impossible question to answer, but I think I did a good job.
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I said it's the part of your body that communicates with the other parts of your body.
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Oh, I checked out of that conversation mentally.
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While while you were talking to the children about the hormones that are leading to daddy's big fat belly at 6 a.m., I had the thousand-yard stare of a man that was over.
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And then I made them say, Daddy, we're proud of you for being healthy.
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But you'll do, so you are also doing something brand new, which is the sauna, which you've entered a world of bro that I've never seen before.
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I'm a sauna bro now.
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I get my 15 to 20 minutes of sauna in every day.
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I feel like it might be not real.
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Like, is sauna helping?
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Is it not helping?
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Or did like some wood company convince everybody that saunas are great and it's a lie?
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Big wood is behind the sauna crazy.
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Wait, you This is my conspiracy theory.
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You're so tapped into health trends and healthy living.
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You truly don't feel better after a sauna?
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Well, no, I feel very hot and uncomfortable after a sauna, and I have to suffer through the smell of feet, other people's feet.
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I also have a sauna blanket, and so I kind of prefer the sauna blanket, but I'm there for pictures.
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No, we didn't even.
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She asked me, you asked me to take a picture of you in the sauna.
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It's me, 14 other sweaty men, and my hot wife in a bikini, and she's like, Will you take a picture?
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I'm like, Are you out of your fucking mind?
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No, I'm not doing a photo shoot of you in the sauna right now.
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So I can be like, bros, this is the way of life, bros, right?
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90-year-old Asian man?
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He was good.
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He was good.
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He was he was going through some stuff.
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They're all breathing through.
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90 year old Asian man doing anything I want in.
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Yeah, yeah.
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He's got answers, he's got keys to longevity.
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That is true.
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If you see a 90-year-old Asian man in a sauna, whatever else he's doing after the sauna, I want to know and I want to replicate it.
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Well, I will say a lot of girls are like, I don't know where to meet a guy, and they're at the nail salon.
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Where are all the men?
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And they go to Pilates.
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Go to the sauna.
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You want to meet a guy, you want to meet a guy that cares about his health or doesn't, then go to don't touch my husband, go to a sauna.
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They are all there.
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They're so schwitzy, they are not open to taking pictures of you.
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But I will say, even creepy of creep guys probably know better than to hit on a woman in the sauna.
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I think your original take of, you used to say, if you want to meet guys, go to Chipotle.
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If you want to know where the guys are, they're eating burritos.
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They're also in line for the food truck for a fried chicken sandwich.
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I think that's legitimately good advice.
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If you really want to meet a guy, go where guys eat.
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Yeah, but if you're a guy, don't go to yoga to meet a girl.
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Stand right outside of yoga and pretend you're meditating.
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Be like, I'm here for the next class.
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That would be great.
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Like, I don't want you behind me for an hour if I was single.
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But if you're like, I'm really in the zone meditating with my mandala beads, I'd be like, oh, that's so cool.
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What's your name?
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So if you take anything from this podcast, fellas, if you want to meet a lady, stalk her outside of a yoga class.
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Ladies, if you want to meet a guy, hang around a Chipotle or a sauna.
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Both, both really good ways to meet people that aren't the internet where everyone meets each other.
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Now, I do have to confess something that's weighing on my heart.
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Uh, I don't know if people could tell.
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I got a haircut before the pod.
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I have been unfaithful.
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You look amazing.
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Thank you.
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I have been unfaithful to my barber, and I don't feel good about it.
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I am cheating on my barber.
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I found a new barber without letting the old barber know.
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Why didn't you just tell the old barber of the face that you wanted him to fix?
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Why couldn't you just explain to your body?
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Like every every time I'm going through it in my mind, all the lines or excuses are literally out of someone who's cheating on their significant other.
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I'm like, I don't want to post on social media in case he sees it.
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I feel bad telling him that I found someone else that I'm happier with.
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I feel bad by the fact that he's a great guy and did nothing wrong.
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I just needed a change.
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It's you, not him.
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It is me.
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It is me.
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Well, I mean, I did a pretty good job barbering you during the 2020 uh COVID pandemic.
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No, I also did a mustache and started asking him about the game.
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You were a funny barber character.
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When I when I needed a lineup during COVID when everything was closed, she would draw a goatee and do like a New York Puerto Rican accent and start talking to me about UFC and sports, and it was funny, but you were so bad at lining me up.
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I literally had to draw the shape of a head with like a neck and then diagram on there what my hairline should look like on the neck.
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Which was a like the bottom of a hexagon.
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You want like the bottom of the bigger.
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It was like diagonal on each side with a flat with a straight line across, which you were really struggling with.
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And everyone's like, no one needs geometry when you grow up.
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Yeah, if you're married to a bro, you're gonna need geometry.
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I needed a ruler and a protractor to do your barber work.
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But let me ask you this like if you were not necessarily if you were not necessarily unhappy with the haircuts you were getting from your stylist, but you just wanted to see what else was out there.
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Would you break up?
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Oh, an eye when I guess I'm panicking.
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I cannot help but be a white woman.
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I cannot help it.
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And as a woman who ages, I am having a birthday.
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I made an appointment to get Botox, and I just wanted to see what she would say.
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No?
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She said that men don't know.
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Sure.
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I'm I am certainly not an authority or an expert on Botox, but I am so opposed to you doing Botox based on the fact that A, I truly don't think you need it.
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At least in this blind man's opinion, I think you look great.
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And B, it's something that once you start, you're going to have to keep on doing it.
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Like it's a meta- you have to keep on going, right?
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You can't just do Botox.
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No, you can quit.
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You can quit all you want.
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But it's preventative.
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It's just like you freeze all the muscles in your face so you can not do this or this, and then your skin looks young.
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Women overdo it with Botox and ultimately end up looking worse as Botox freaks than they ever did before with natural wrinkles or lines.
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Yes.
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And like if you wear fake eyelashes a lot and then you take the fake eyelashes off, then you look in the mirror and you feel bald and ugly.
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That's why you don't get fake eyelashes.
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So that you're yeah, I don't like fake eyelashes.
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I don't want you doing Botox.
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I love you just the way you are.
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Is that so wrong?
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What about like clown lips?
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No, I don't want you to do your lip injections either for the same reason of Botox.
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It's maintenance.
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Once you do it, you have to keep on doing it, and then you're either going to go too far or it's going to become the norm.
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And when you stop doing it, it's gonna look really weird.
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I guess I just need to go and be like Kate Winslet and be like, I am I am aging gracefully because it is just part of being a role model and showing that uh a skin wrinkles, even though she's she's famous for having wrinkles, and that's how do you feel about that Kate Winslet impression?
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Are you proud of that British accent?
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No, I'm not.
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It was more peppa pig than anything, but you know, I I you know you gotta get it in.
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What's your best accent?
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Um, I do an Australian accent that everyone says is actually New Zealand.
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Okay.
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So your best accent is New Zealand, is Kiwi while attempting to be Australian.
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My Jamaican sounds Irish.
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We don't know what's happening.
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Most people's Jamaican ends up veering Irish.
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Speaking of Jamaican, I thought it was very funny.
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Cleaning up the kitchen before the pod, you just had a playlist and it was and Sean Paul's Shake That Thing came on.
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And it was through.
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Is it get busy?
00:13:47.679 --> 00:13:48.960
No, it's called Shake That Thing.
00:13:49.120 --> 00:13:49.600
That's the song.
00:13:49.759 --> 00:13:52.639
But at one point in the lyrics, you go, Did he just say kids' buffet?
00:13:52.879 --> 00:13:54.480
I'm positive it was kids' buffet.
00:13:54.639 --> 00:13:55.919
He definitely didn't say kids' buffet.
00:13:56.000 --> 00:13:56.879
And she goes, Then what'd he say?
00:13:56.960 --> 00:13:59.279
I'm like, I don't know what the lyrics are, but it's not kids' buffet.
00:13:59.360 --> 00:14:00.399
And she goes, Then what are the lyrics?
00:14:00.480 --> 00:14:01.600
I'm like, nobody knows the lyrics.
00:14:01.679 --> 00:14:04.159
Even Sean Paul doesn't know the lyric to a Sean Paul song.
00:14:06.480 --> 00:14:06.960
It's okay.
00:14:14.399 --> 00:14:16.399
Okay, my Comics Unleash is coming out.
00:14:16.480 --> 00:14:17.840
My Comics Unleash episode.
00:14:18.240 --> 00:14:19.440
Applause, applause, applause.
00:14:19.600 --> 00:14:20.480
Which was so fun.
00:14:20.799 --> 00:14:28.080
Byron Allen, a comp comed a comedian turned rich person.
00:14:28.559 --> 00:14:29.600
Comedian turned.
00:14:29.919 --> 00:14:31.440
He's he's above rich person.
00:14:31.519 --> 00:14:32.399
He is mogul.
00:14:32.480 --> 00:14:38.320
He is a billionaire, owns multiple businesses, owns the weather channel, mogul.
00:14:38.559 --> 00:14:38.799
Okay.
00:14:39.039 --> 00:14:40.559
But he brought back Comics Unleashed.
00:14:41.039 --> 00:14:42.480
Truly incredible man.
00:14:42.559 --> 00:14:50.720
My favorite part of working with him is he had some great stories and he would say applause, applause, applause for the audience to applause, which was great.
00:14:50.799 --> 00:14:52.320
I'm like, I need to create this world for myself.
00:14:52.399 --> 00:14:52.720
I love this.
00:14:53.120 --> 00:14:58.799
Now, as an inside joke around the house, when we say things and the other person doesn't respond, we just go applause, applause, applause.
00:14:59.200 --> 00:15:00.480
Applause, applause, applause.
00:15:00.720 --> 00:15:03.200
Instead of crickets, it's applause, applause, applause.
00:15:03.360 --> 00:15:06.639
And anyway, so that's gonna be on um March 17th.
00:15:06.720 --> 00:15:11.279
And then I'm also going to Austin, Texas, which I haven't been in a while.
00:15:11.360 --> 00:15:14.159
And I feel like when I went, there was not a lot of comedy.
00:15:14.320 --> 00:15:17.039
And now I'm coming back, and it is a comedy town.
00:15:17.200 --> 00:15:18.159
Oh boy, oh boy.
00:15:18.240 --> 00:15:22.879
And I'll be at a place called the Sunset Strip, which is so misleading because it sounds like it's in LA.
00:15:23.039 --> 00:15:23.919
And what are you doing there?
00:15:24.240 --> 00:15:25.200
Who are you shooting for?
00:15:25.440 --> 00:15:31.120
I'm doing it for a tech company called OnlyFans, and I will be performing comedy.
00:15:31.279 --> 00:15:36.159
I mean, good for OnlyFans for paying comedians to do a comedy special.
00:15:36.879 --> 00:15:37.679
What a concept.
00:15:38.240 --> 00:15:39.600
I am thrilled that you're doing the special.
00:15:41.039 --> 00:15:46.159
And because you're doing the special for OnlyFans, they make you create an OnlyFans page, right?
00:15:46.320 --> 00:15:46.639
Yes.
00:15:46.720 --> 00:15:50.080
They they want you as part of the special.
00:15:50.240 --> 00:15:57.279
They want you to have a page for at onlyfans.com, which you can now follow me, Esther for you.
00:15:57.840 --> 00:15:58.559
Y-O-U.
00:15:58.799 --> 00:15:59.039
Yeah.
00:15:59.279 --> 00:16:00.240
Not for you.
00:16:01.519 --> 00:16:04.639
E S-T-E-R, the number for Y-O-U.
00:16:05.039 --> 00:16:05.600
Yes.
00:16:05.919 --> 00:16:07.360
And I love it.
00:16:07.519 --> 00:16:08.720
I love that the page.
00:16:08.799 --> 00:16:16.799
You're, you know, OnlyFans obviously has an automatic connection with pornographic or borderline pornographic content.
00:16:16.960 --> 00:16:21.919
But you as a comedian are allowed to do anything as safe as you want on your page.
00:16:22.080 --> 00:16:30.960
Uh, you're certainly not shooting videos, but I love like the other day you did a video where you were telling jokes in a bikini by the pool.
00:16:31.039 --> 00:16:34.639
It was a bikini that you could wear to any pool in America full of children.
00:16:34.799 --> 00:16:35.440
Jokes by the pool.
00:16:36.000 --> 00:16:38.879
Your criticism, though, you were like, let this be a better joke.
00:16:38.960 --> 00:16:40.320
And I was like, no, it's a yeah.
00:16:40.480 --> 00:16:45.039
My problem was not that you're doing something in a bathing suit on OnlyFans, is that I thought it was a subpart joke.
00:16:45.120 --> 00:16:49.039
If I'm like, how does your husband feel about you telling jokes in a bikini?
00:16:49.200 --> 00:16:54.720
I'm like, well, he thinks I could be better at the punch up and get it a little cleaner.
00:16:55.120 --> 00:16:57.679
My problem is always going to be comedy-based.
00:16:57.759 --> 00:17:01.279
I have no problem with you taking agency of your beautiful looks.
00:17:01.519 --> 00:17:08.240
As I've said, once you ask me, is it okay if I have this OnlyFans page and I'm just doing like jokes by the pool and bikini?
00:17:08.319 --> 00:17:15.839
I said, use that money to build a pool at our house and let's fill it with the tears of the cucks that are paying you for your OnlyFans content.
00:17:16.000 --> 00:17:16.799
I'm all for it.
00:17:16.880 --> 00:17:19.680
But if you're gonna do jokes by the pool, make them good jokes.
00:17:20.079 --> 00:17:26.240
As if people, and then I posted, I like released the idea of I am gonna be on OnlyFans.
00:17:26.400 --> 00:17:33.279
I will be doing stuff, um, trying on stuff on the fitting room, which I love doing, and then um jokes by the pool.
00:17:33.359 --> 00:17:35.119
And I said jamming with the guitar.
00:17:35.359 --> 00:17:39.839
Someone posted or asked, they're like, wait, you play guitar?
00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:54.559
And to that person, shout out, I love that someone saw past all of the jipper jabber of OnlyFans to get to the real juicy moment of yes, I'm going to force myself to play the guitar and jam.
00:17:54.720 --> 00:17:57.200
And I don't have a problem jamming, and I like jamming.
00:17:57.759 --> 00:17:59.519
You don't seem to like my jamming.
00:17:59.759 --> 00:18:01.599
Well, I don't know how you feel about my jamming.
00:18:01.839 --> 00:18:02.640
Your guitar playing?
00:18:03.440 --> 00:18:12.799
I'm impressed by your guitar playing because you're not like a real guitar player, but you're good at the for someone who very rarely plays guitar, you actually are very musically inclined.
00:18:12.880 --> 00:18:18.400
You know how to read music, so I'm always impressed when you'll pull up a songbook and all of a sudden you can play this song.
00:18:18.960 --> 00:18:23.119
Now, this is the pot call in the kettle black because I have arguably the worst voice of all time.
00:18:23.200 --> 00:18:24.480
I am not claiming to be a voice.
00:18:24.640 --> 00:18:27.680
We love that you have a bad voice because if you had a good voice, I wouldn't be here.
00:18:28.000 --> 00:18:28.400
Correct.
00:18:28.559 --> 00:18:34.400
If if I had a good voice, I would have HIV right now from sleeping with everyone in the world.
00:18:34.720 --> 00:18:38.559
God did not give me a good voice to save me from myself.
00:18:39.200 --> 00:18:40.319
Moving on.
00:18:40.559 --> 00:18:42.000
I don't have a good voice.
00:18:42.240 --> 00:18:46.480
You have a better voice than me, but you also don't have a good voice.
00:18:46.720 --> 00:18:54.400
And when you play the guitar, you sing, and when you're being silly and when you're knowingly singing with a bad voice, it's funny.
00:18:54.559 --> 00:19:08.720
When you try to sing with a good voice and you do it very earnestly and get hooked on a song that you're practicing, and I have to listen from afar for an hour while you sing a song that you can't really sing, it's not my favorite thing to happen.
00:19:09.119 --> 00:19:13.119
And I'll wake up in the morning and I'll say that sad and I took a deep breath.
00:19:13.440 --> 00:19:21.440
No, I think I'm good at singing, I am not good at singing, I know that I'm gonna, but I wanna put it out that I will be like Adam Sandler and be like scooby-doo.
00:19:22.640 --> 00:19:25.279
Yeah, your last special started with a funny song, and that's great.
00:19:25.519 --> 00:19:26.079
That's what I'm saying.
00:19:26.400 --> 00:19:29.519
If you're if you're embracing, you can carry a tune.
00:19:29.599 --> 00:19:31.759
Like I am just straight up bad at singing.
00:19:32.160 --> 00:19:33.200
But you had a rap album.
00:19:33.359 --> 00:19:34.880
Well, I can rap, I can't sing.
00:19:34.960 --> 00:19:36.400
Those are two very different skills.
00:19:36.720 --> 00:19:38.720
Maybe I'll play guitar and you rap.
00:19:38.960 --> 00:19:39.279
Never.
00:19:39.519 --> 00:19:40.640
Oh, that sounds so fun.
00:19:40.720 --> 00:19:41.359
Let's do it.
00:19:41.599 --> 00:19:44.720
I retired to be a podcaster.
00:19:45.039 --> 00:19:49.519
Yay, but I wanna, I wanna, I want to experiment creatively.
00:19:49.680 --> 00:19:52.799
I know that OnlyFans people are just like, where's the nudes?
00:19:52.960 --> 00:19:54.880
I will be experimenting creatively.
00:19:55.039 --> 00:19:56.000
Where's the nudes?
00:19:56.160 --> 00:19:58.000
And doing really beautiful stuff.
00:19:58.079 --> 00:19:58.960
Where are the nudes?
00:19:59.119 --> 00:20:03.680
Edgy material stuff that might be controversial on YouTube, but where are the nudes?
00:20:03.759 --> 00:20:06.880
I'm gonna be doing amazing things and really bearing my soul.
00:20:06.960 --> 00:20:07.920
Where are the nudes?
00:20:08.000 --> 00:20:09.119
And I'm excited.
00:20:09.759 --> 00:20:12.079
Where are the nudes?
00:20:14.799 --> 00:20:16.799
So please follow me there.
00:20:17.119 --> 00:20:18.480
Esther for you.
00:20:18.640 --> 00:20:19.839
Build us a pool.
00:20:20.079 --> 00:20:24.160
Um, there is news in Vegas, right before the news story.
00:20:24.400 --> 00:20:27.920
One personal thing is I haven't smoked weed in like two months, which is huge.
00:20:28.079 --> 00:20:31.920
Then he brought home a jar of homegrown weed from a friend's.
00:20:32.319 --> 00:20:43.680
Well, there was there was a father on our son's flag football team, one of the other dads that I bonded with over the weeks of practice, who on the last game was like, Hey, do you have a secure pocket?
00:20:43.839 --> 00:20:44.559
I was like, Why?
00:20:44.720 --> 00:20:48.400
And he's like, and he just like handed me a jar of weed that he grew in his house.
00:20:48.559 --> 00:20:49.759
And I was like, You're a cool dude.
00:20:49.839 --> 00:20:50.240
I like you.
00:20:50.480 --> 00:20:51.839
So I'm trying to stop weed.
00:20:51.920 --> 00:20:59.119
He's hasn't smoked in a while, but I am like really, really on track to not buying and not smoking weed.
00:20:59.279 --> 00:21:07.359
This jar comes into our house and I broke my weed sobriety, smoked a bowl, and I was like, I just had to try it out because he grew it.
00:21:07.440 --> 00:21:08.799
And so I made all these excuses.
00:21:08.960 --> 00:21:17.440
This guy grew it, and I uh, anyways, I did smoke it, and then I smoked it the night after, and then I kind of wanted it the next day, and I was like, you need to get rid of it.
00:21:17.680 --> 00:21:18.960
This is like a bag of potato chips.
00:21:19.200 --> 00:21:21.519
I took the jar and I put it in your mother's house.
00:21:21.599 --> 00:21:28.400
And when she comes back to Vegas, she will smoke it because your mom is awesome, but also so annoying when she's high.
00:21:28.480 --> 00:21:31.359
So But I said to my therapist, Oh my gosh, look at me.
00:21:31.440 --> 00:21:32.720
I have no self-control.
00:21:32.960 --> 00:21:36.480
And she, as a great therapist, was like, actually, you do have self-control.
00:21:36.880 --> 00:21:38.400
You stopped smoking weed.
00:21:38.640 --> 00:21:44.720
And now it came into your life, and you said to the husband, get it away, you're the husband, get it away.
00:21:45.119 --> 00:21:45.920
I am the husband.
00:21:46.079 --> 00:21:47.839
And I was like, That is self control.
00:21:48.160 --> 00:21:55.839
But it I maybe weed is like a bag of gross potato chips or something where someone's like, if it's in the house, it's gonna get smoked.
00:21:56.079 --> 00:21:59.759
I needed, I when that jar was like looking at me, just like bang.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:01.759
Begging, begging to be smoked.
00:22:01.839 --> 00:22:03.759
And now it's out of sight, out of mind.
00:22:03.839 --> 00:22:04.480
There you go.
00:22:04.880 --> 00:22:07.119
For the same reason I can't have ice cream in the freezer.
00:22:07.519 --> 00:22:08.960
There's no ice cream in the freezer.
00:22:09.119 --> 00:22:09.759
It's gone.
00:22:10.160 --> 00:22:11.359
It's gone get eaten.
00:22:11.519 --> 00:22:11.759
Yeah.
00:22:11.920 --> 00:22:13.039
Alright, so what's the news story?
00:22:13.200 --> 00:22:14.559
Oh, this is a big news story.
00:22:14.799 --> 00:22:16.880
Magic Johnson heard of him?
00:22:17.599 --> 00:22:18.400
I ha yes.
00:22:18.720 --> 00:22:29.279
Governor Lombardo discussed the potential for an NBA team in Vegas as an expansion meeting.
00:22:29.680 --> 00:22:31.839
Did you pull this news story just for me?
00:22:32.160 --> 00:22:33.519
No, this was the news story.
00:22:33.680 --> 00:22:36.480
So I get I follow all these things on Instagram and I screenshot whatever.
00:22:36.880 --> 00:22:38.079
Who's Governor Lombardo?
00:22:38.160 --> 00:22:39.359
Is that Nevada's governor?
00:22:39.599 --> 00:22:39.920
I think.
00:22:40.400 --> 00:22:45.039
Okay, I didn't know that, but that's like the worst kept secret in all the sports.
00:22:45.119 --> 00:22:47.119
Everyone knows the NBA is expanding with two teams.
00:22:47.200 --> 00:22:49.279
Seattle's getting one, and Las Vegas is getting one.
00:22:49.359 --> 00:22:51.200
That's Are you sure?
00:22:51.599 --> 00:22:53.279
I would bet my life on it.
00:22:53.440 --> 00:22:55.200
That is such a Vegas thing.
00:22:55.599 --> 00:22:55.759
Yes.
00:22:56.400 --> 00:22:57.440
Isn't that Vegas news?
00:22:57.680 --> 00:23:00.559
Because we may or may not, but probably will be getting an NBA team.
00:23:01.039 --> 00:23:02.480
Definitely not this week in Vegas.
00:23:02.559 --> 00:23:03.920
That's been going on for like a year.
00:23:04.319 --> 00:23:06.799
It's going to be happening for the next year.
00:23:07.039 --> 00:23:16.480
But I will tell you with full confidence, whenever in the future the NBA announces that they're expanding with two new teams, those teams will be going to Seattle and Las Vegas.
00:23:16.640 --> 00:23:17.039
Yeah.
00:23:17.359 --> 00:23:23.119
Which likely means that Memphis and New Orleans will be moving over to the Eastern Conference, which will realign the conferences a little bit.
00:23:23.200 --> 00:23:24.720
And now I've already lost you.
00:23:25.039 --> 00:23:31.039
Okay, but can we try to predict the name and the colors of the NBA team?
00:23:31.680 --> 00:23:32.160
That's good.
00:23:32.559 --> 00:23:35.680
The NBA, so the Aces is the WNBA team.
00:23:36.559 --> 00:23:37.200
Fantastic name.
00:23:37.359 --> 00:23:38.480
I think they already took it.
00:23:38.960 --> 00:23:39.279
Women.
00:23:39.680 --> 00:23:41.759
The hockey team is the Golden Knights.
00:23:41.920 --> 00:23:45.039
The lacrosse team, I believe, is the Desert Dogs.
00:23:46.160 --> 00:23:47.920
I feel like the double downs, the house.
00:23:48.160 --> 00:23:50.480
And then the Raiders came as the Raiders.
00:23:50.559 --> 00:23:53.039
It's definitely not going to be the Las Vegas double downs.
00:23:53.200 --> 00:23:55.920
It probably is going to be something gambling related.
00:23:56.000 --> 00:23:58.319
I hope they don't go like native animals.
00:23:58.400 --> 00:24:00.799
I don't want to go like the Las Vegas scorpions.
00:24:01.440 --> 00:24:02.160
Coyote.
00:24:02.960 --> 00:24:03.359
Yeah.
00:24:03.680 --> 00:24:04.319
Broaches.
00:24:04.720 --> 00:24:06.319
Maybe they could do the Las Vegas palms.
00:24:06.720 --> 00:24:08.640
What about the Las Vegas grifters?
00:24:09.839 --> 00:24:10.079
Yeah.
00:24:10.400 --> 00:24:11.680
The Las Vegas degenerates.
00:24:11.839 --> 00:24:12.319
The Las Vegas.
00:24:12.720 --> 00:24:15.359
Las Vegas underground CD creepos.
00:24:15.759 --> 00:24:18.799
The Las Vegas lost my house last night on a bad beat.
00:24:19.359 --> 00:24:20.880
Las Vegas hangovers?
00:24:21.119 --> 00:24:21.599
That'd be good.
00:24:22.240 --> 00:24:24.720
And then the mascot is just some bro puking.
00:24:24.960 --> 00:24:25.200
Yes.
00:24:26.240 --> 00:24:31.359
Some guy with a headache walking around and like the asterisk and pound sign just coming out of his head.
00:24:31.440 --> 00:24:31.920
That'd be good.
00:24:32.400 --> 00:24:33.839
Sunburnt tourist.
00:24:34.160 --> 00:24:37.759
The Las Vegas sunburns is good, but it's too much like the Phoenix Suns.
00:24:38.000 --> 00:24:41.759
I do think the colors will probably be like white, black, and gold.
00:24:42.000 --> 00:24:43.200
I feel like I'm waiting.
00:24:43.359 --> 00:24:44.799
What about the flamingo?
00:24:45.359 --> 00:24:48.240
Las Vegas Flamingos doesn't make any sense.
00:24:48.400 --> 00:24:48.880
No, not at all.
00:24:48.960 --> 00:24:50.319
There's just a hotel called a flamingo.
00:24:50.400 --> 00:24:53.839
Flamingos are like there's also a street called a flamingo.
00:24:53.920 --> 00:24:56.079
I mean, Vegas will take their casino.
00:24:56.160 --> 00:25:00.079
They're like, yeah, we we gamble here and there, but like it's a street name.
00:25:00.400 --> 00:25:01.920
You set up an email for this, right?
00:25:02.160 --> 00:25:02.640
Yeah.
00:25:02.960 --> 00:25:04.240
So you know what?
00:25:04.319 --> 00:25:06.319
We're probably gonna be the Las Vegas Deserts.
00:25:06.559 --> 00:25:07.200
I hate that.
00:25:07.359 --> 00:25:08.960
Yeah, it's bad, but that's probably what we're gonna be.
00:25:09.039 --> 00:25:10.400
Anyway, what's the email?
00:25:11.039 --> 00:25:15.839
Um, the email is againsthiswillpod at gmail.com.
00:25:16.079 --> 00:25:26.480
If you're watching or listening, email againsthiswillpod at gmail.com with your best guesses of what the Las Vegas NBA team yet to come in the future will be.
00:25:26.640 --> 00:25:27.279
What their name will be.
00:25:28.000 --> 00:25:33.920
I like pink as a color, and I feel like a lot of NBA and NFL no one has pink.
00:25:34.079 --> 00:25:36.640
Oh, the bangles, I will say, shout out to the bangles.
00:25:36.720 --> 00:25:39.680
They do have animal print, which is so exciting.
00:25:39.759 --> 00:25:45.759
And I kind of wish I was I'm not a Bangle fan, but I would want to be in like a full bangle outfit.
00:25:46.000 --> 00:25:47.200
Nothing's stopping you.
00:25:47.680 --> 00:25:49.359
So check Esther for you.
00:25:49.599 --> 00:25:56.079
She will be in full bangles, skin tight onesie telling shitty jokes by the pool.
00:25:56.640 --> 00:25:59.680
No, good jokes, and singing horribly.
00:26:00.319 --> 00:26:00.799
There we go.
00:26:01.039 --> 00:26:02.160
We're the nudes.
00:26:02.400 --> 00:26:04.000
Good jokes, bad guitar.
00:26:04.720 --> 00:26:05.119
We're the nudes.
00:26:06.960 --> 00:26:07.920
We're the nudes.
00:26:08.160 --> 00:26:08.640
Yeah.
00:26:08.799 --> 00:26:10.400
Um, whimsical creative girl.
00:26:10.640 --> 00:26:12.640
Okay, do you have a better Las Vegas news story?
00:26:12.720 --> 00:26:14.720
Because I feel like that wasn't this week in Vegas.
00:26:14.880 --> 00:26:17.920
I finally gave you the segment you wanted and you dropped the ball.
00:26:18.480 --> 00:26:30.559
I go to this dinner and I meet lots of people, and I don't know what it is about me, but everyone just unloads their deepest, darkest secrets, and randomly some guy is telling me that I said, I'm a comedian.
00:26:30.799 --> 00:26:32.960
Sorry, I don't have a normal job.
00:26:33.519 --> 00:26:36.720
He's like, Oh right, I saw you the other day.
00:26:36.960 --> 00:26:45.359
Then he told me that he used to hang out with Drew Carey because his friend or something was dating him.
00:26:45.599 --> 00:26:45.920
Great.
00:26:46.319 --> 00:26:47.599
Was his friend a porn star?
00:26:47.680 --> 00:26:50.720
Because I think Drew Carey like famously dates porn stars now.
00:26:50.960 --> 00:26:51.599
I don't really know.
00:26:51.759 --> 00:26:52.000
Okay.
00:26:52.240 --> 00:27:00.400
But he said that Drew Carey was seriously into EDM and a um the electric daisy festival.
00:27:00.480 --> 00:27:03.759
And he's like, Yeah, so Drew Carey was like, you're coming with me.
00:27:03.920 --> 00:27:06.799
And we went to the electric daisy festival.
00:27:06.960 --> 00:27:21.039
I I of all the things I would assume about Drew Carey, I just like the idea of like him and a Jeep Wrangler with like fuzzy ears and like a porn star with like glittery titties and being like, good for Drew.
00:27:21.200 --> 00:27:30.640
If you do a network sitcom for that many years, parlay that in a price is right to become a multi-multimillionaire, go live your life, put on the fuzzy ears, listen to EDM and bang a porn star in Vegas.
00:27:30.799 --> 00:27:31.839
Drew Carey's doing it right.
00:27:32.000 --> 00:27:37.200
I mean, maybe, but like man made it out of Cleveland to start partying at EDM festivals in Vegas.
00:27:37.279 --> 00:27:39.920
Good for I now have that on my bucket list.
00:27:40.000 --> 00:27:47.440
There's a there is like a Vegas bucket list where I'm like, yes, I wanna like, I I wanna like one night get drunk with carrot top.
00:27:47.599 --> 00:27:52.720
I want to obviously now go to an EDM concert with Drew Carey.
00:27:53.200 --> 00:27:56.079
We do know where Carrot Top frequents for lunch.
00:27:56.160 --> 00:28:03.920
I'm not gonna give out the location, but it's like another poorly kept secret amongst Summerlin where Carrot Top goes to one location several times a week for lunch.
00:28:04.079 --> 00:28:11.599
So if if you really, really want to get drunk with Carrot Top one day, I feel like you can make that happen before you could go to EDM festivals with Drew Carrey.
00:28:14.799 --> 00:28:16.319
Shout out Mark Cohen, the legend.
00:28:16.480 --> 00:28:19.440
The legend who you can find at the Rio every single day.
00:28:19.839 --> 00:28:22.640
Seven nights a week, 365 nights a year.
00:28:22.799 --> 00:28:25.440
Um, what other what other I have?
00:28:26.160 --> 00:28:28.480
Um We've been at it for a while.
00:28:28.559 --> 00:28:29.920
We can go to Jokeyard.
00:28:30.319 --> 00:28:30.799
Yeah.
00:28:31.119 --> 00:28:33.440
Oh, just Zero Bond opened, and that's huge.
00:28:33.519 --> 00:28:34.960
The opening night was March 10th.
00:28:35.039 --> 00:28:39.200
It is a members-only club, and it's the first really members-only club in Las Vegas.
00:28:39.359 --> 00:28:42.079
It's at the win, it's very chic, very sexy.
00:28:42.240 --> 00:28:44.720
I will be producing and running a comedy show there.
00:28:44.799 --> 00:28:47.440
The first one's April 15th in the Little Disco.
00:28:47.599 --> 00:28:48.240
Now here it is.
00:28:48.480 --> 00:28:52.400
And you very smartly finagled your way into a membership for your hosting services.
00:28:53.039 --> 00:28:56.079
They were not trying to let you in, but you were like, I want a membership.
00:28:56.319 --> 00:28:57.759
And now I get to go as your guest.
00:28:57.920 --> 00:28:59.599
Yes, my plus one over here.
00:28:59.680 --> 00:29:13.039
And you're gonna be performing, and Michael Yo is also gonna be performing on the very first show, and possibly every single show will be the three people lineup of Esther Steinberg, Noah Garden Swords, and Michael Yo, who is our Vegas buddy.
00:29:13.119 --> 00:29:16.000
There's not so so many, and he's one of them.
00:29:16.160 --> 00:29:19.039
Um, uh in terms of comedians who live here.
00:29:19.200 --> 00:29:20.079
Let me keep you in line.
00:29:20.160 --> 00:29:20.880
What's the point?
00:29:20.960 --> 00:29:33.039
What are you trying to say about so the big grand opening happened, and a lot of like big O my OMG celebs came to Las Vegas to celebrate the opening of Zero Bond, Jeff Ross.
00:29:33.839 --> 00:29:34.240
Hilarious.
00:29:34.559 --> 00:29:35.119
That's what you're saying.
00:29:35.359 --> 00:29:41.839
LeBron James, John Hamm, John Stamos, Gwyneth Paltro, Gwenneth, Tom Brady.
00:29:42.079 --> 00:29:43.839
These were all people we saw in photos.
00:29:43.920 --> 00:29:46.960
And what's funny is we were at the grand opening before that.
00:29:47.039 --> 00:29:52.720
So it's like last Wednesday they did a friends and family of like, hey, come see it before it opens to the public.
00:29:52.799 --> 00:30:04.720
And so we felt so hot and so cool for getting to go to this members-only secret grand opening only to find out the next weekend is when they had the real secret grand opening where the where the actual celebrities and A-listers came.
00:30:04.880 --> 00:30:09.119
And we were on a comedians who finagled their way in were not allowed.
00:30:09.279 --> 00:30:13.759
But anyway, very excited to be your guest every once in a while at Zero Bomb.
00:30:14.000 --> 00:30:16.319
And now the question is are people gonna mimic this?
00:30:16.480 --> 00:30:18.880
Are there gonna be more and more members only clubs?
00:30:19.039 --> 00:30:22.640
I already know Circus Circus is planning on doing kind of a members only.
00:30:24.079 --> 00:30:25.119
No, that's a sting.
00:30:25.200 --> 00:30:26.559
That's called to catch a predator.
00:30:27.359 --> 00:30:30.640
Anyone who joins a members only club is circus circus is on some kind of list.
00:30:30.799 --> 00:30:41.519
I would love the strat to do members only, and they're like, sorry, you're gonna have to show us your like um hole where you have to cover in order to hello, I'm here for the strat members only.
00:30:42.079 --> 00:30:43.599
All right, we're cutting this.
00:30:44.000 --> 00:30:47.599
Go to now it's time for jokeyard.
00:30:48.160 --> 00:30:48.400
Okay.
00:30:48.640 --> 00:30:52.000
You said you had so many last week, so okay.
00:30:52.079 --> 00:30:55.039
So this is an old joke of mine that I would love.
00:30:55.279 --> 00:30:57.839
I don't, I've never done it on anywhere.
00:30:58.079 --> 00:30:58.400
Okay.
00:30:58.880 --> 00:31:10.960
It's it's basically I used to hang out at the comedy store a lot, and what I noticed is there would be like girls like porn stars with big titties and like little chihuahuas, and they were classic combo.
00:31:11.119 --> 00:31:18.000
They were seriously waiting for male comics, and they'd be like, Oh, I can't wait, Chris Dia, I can't wait to see.
00:31:18.160 --> 00:31:27.599
And they would be waiting for male comedians all glittered up, boiled up, ready to go, and there's a name for these women, and they're called Chucklefuckers.
00:31:28.079 --> 00:31:28.720
Chucklefuckers.
00:31:29.680 --> 00:31:34.079
And I was like, okay, if we're gonna do chuckle fuckers, where are the men?
00:31:34.240 --> 00:31:46.640
What I'm trying to see is a bunch of like big, bulgy, muscle men, maybe like Guido with gelled up hair, and they're like, they've got like a bulldog, and they're like, yo, I'm here for Janine Gorofalo.
00:31:48.000 --> 00:31:50.720
Okay, so what is the joke?
00:31:50.880 --> 00:31:53.759
Just that I'm just gonna be like, so there should be a male equivalent to Chucklefuckers?
00:31:54.160 --> 00:31:57.599
Basically, I want to have the funniest dog.
00:31:57.920 --> 00:31:59.200
I need the funniest dog I've got to be able to do.
00:31:59.920 --> 00:32:01.920
I think Janine Garofalo was the perfect example.
00:32:02.079 --> 00:32:05.839
Janine Garofalo because she's She's truly funny.
00:32:06.000 --> 00:32:08.079
Yeah, she's she's a great comic.
00:32:08.319 --> 00:32:08.720
The legend.
00:32:08.960 --> 00:32:15.920
She's middle-aged, she's on that borderline of I feel like early in her film career she played unattractive characters, but is actually a very pretty woman in real life.
00:32:16.160 --> 00:32:16.319
Yes.
00:32:16.880 --> 00:32:19.759
The Hollywood, she's so ugly, takes her glasses off.
00:32:19.839 --> 00:32:20.720
Oh, supermodel.
00:32:20.880 --> 00:32:23.920
Yeah, and then also Janine Goroffalo is just a funny sounding name.
00:32:24.000 --> 00:32:25.599
So that's you found the perfect name.
00:32:26.559 --> 00:32:28.400
Will the new generation know her?
00:32:28.880 --> 00:32:30.559
No, but that's also what makes it funnier.
00:32:30.720 --> 00:32:31.680
What about a Doberman?
00:32:31.759 --> 00:32:33.680
What's the big dog with like a chain?
00:32:34.079 --> 00:32:39.039
Kane Corso, pit bull, maybe a pit bull with um Rottweiler.
00:32:39.279 --> 00:32:39.599
What's that?
00:32:40.000 --> 00:32:42.480
Maybe big dude with a Rottweiler waiting for Janine Garoffalo.
00:32:42.640 --> 00:32:45.440
But honestly, I think this joke hinges on giving them a funny name.
00:32:45.599 --> 00:32:48.319
They can't be chuckle fuckers, even though they still could.
00:32:48.480 --> 00:32:50.720
You have to be like Moose Knuckle fuckers.
00:32:50.880 --> 00:32:53.680
Like, what's a slutty man?
00:32:54.240 --> 00:32:58.079
The point is You want male groupies for female community.
00:32:58.240 --> 00:33:16.079
And it kind of go hand in hand with like I've always aspired to be really successful and rich and date uh and I mean this is an old joke, it's an old idea of me being successful and rich with a hot guy that's so hot that people point fingers and go, She must be loaded.
00:33:16.400 --> 00:33:21.680
Well, that one thing I love when we do is you never make me dress up when we go out in public.
00:33:22.079 --> 00:33:22.720
I don't want you to be able to do that.
00:33:23.279 --> 00:33:25.759
You love to look gorgeous, and I love to wear sweatpants and sometimes.
00:33:26.079 --> 00:33:27.839
Kayleigh Bieber, Justin Bieber.
00:33:28.079 --> 00:33:36.400
And sometimes when I am wearing sweatpants and you're all dolled up, and I'll be like, Can I go like this?
00:33:36.559 --> 00:33:37.920
You go, Yeah, you look rich.
00:33:38.160 --> 00:33:39.039
Yes, yes.
00:33:39.599 --> 00:33:44.720
The worse dressed you are as a man with a hot, well-dressed woman, the richer you look.
00:33:44.880 --> 00:33:50.720
So I love the fact that you let me look like a schlub, and to you, it just means that to the general public, I look very wealthy.
00:33:50.960 --> 00:33:51.200
Yes.
00:33:51.359 --> 00:34:00.480
Well, there is poor, there is rich, and then there is extremely rich, which is always hoodie, Hondas, they're low-key.
00:34:00.640 --> 00:34:04.240
The middle is the most gross, poor is almost cool.
00:34:04.319 --> 00:34:08.400
I mean, that's pretty badass, and and you know, they're they're working on the hustle.
00:34:08.639 --> 00:34:13.920
The rich is disgusting, covered in designer, everything, everything, everything.
00:34:14.239 --> 00:34:16.159
Ostentatious rich, like flaunty wealth.
00:34:16.559 --> 00:34:17.360
Flaunty wealth.
00:34:17.519 --> 00:34:22.159
So you think by wearing sweatpants while you're dressed up, I've crossed over into looking super rich.
00:34:22.400 --> 00:34:23.119
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:34:23.840 --> 00:34:25.519
That's a good Halloween costume, too.
00:34:25.599 --> 00:34:26.719
The super rich couple.
00:34:26.880 --> 00:34:27.119
Yeah.
00:34:27.280 --> 00:34:28.159
Yeah, okay.
00:34:28.480 --> 00:34:31.679
This is one that I never did.
00:34:31.760 --> 00:34:46.880
So I when I was going back through like old notes and j and notebooks, I found a bunch of jokes I wrote years ago that would have been like funny tweets that I never did on stage either because they didn't make it into the act I was doing at the time, or for instance, this joke that I found.
00:34:47.039 --> 00:34:48.960
I don't think I've ever done this on stage.
00:34:49.119 --> 00:34:53.679
I do think it's a funny joke, but it no longer would make sense in my act.
00:34:53.840 --> 00:35:00.400
So I'm gonna I'm gonna say it, then you can tell me if it's worth resurrecting or repurposing in some way.
00:35:00.880 --> 00:35:09.920
Said, I do anal sex the way a club DJ plays don't stop believing by journey, begrudgingly and only when requested by a drunk white woman.
00:35:12.320 --> 00:35:18.079
That would there are a few jokes that are funny for the audience and not funny for your wife.
00:35:18.800 --> 00:35:23.440
Well, yeah, I mean, that's obviously a joke that I wrote when I was single.
00:35:23.920 --> 00:35:26.960
That was I'd say sell it to a dirtbag comic.
00:35:27.280 --> 00:35:28.000
Sell it to a dirt.
00:35:28.480 --> 00:35:38.559
Okay, so so your joke yard is is uh just who who find someone whose act would be great for a kind of funny anal sex tweet.
00:35:38.800 --> 00:35:44.880
Find an LA comic who's doing crowd work because he thinks he's a genius, but the truth is he doesn't know how to write a joke.
00:35:45.039 --> 00:35:46.079
Sell him that joke.
00:35:46.400 --> 00:35:51.760
And then that guy will go off stage and meet his porn star holding a chihuahua and melt right off into the sunset.
00:35:52.400 --> 00:35:53.679
Hey you, Crystalina?
00:35:54.960 --> 00:36:01.679
Um, but yeah, no, I I yeah, uh I I think that's a tough one.
00:36:02.639 --> 00:36:07.440
Just because you I I loved watching you actively hate an old joke of mine in real time.
00:36:07.920 --> 00:36:13.119
Um I we have I wanted to bring this up from the jokeyard.
00:36:13.199 --> 00:36:14.320
We have fantastic.
00:36:14.719 --> 00:36:18.960
One there is we have one bit that we've done together.
00:36:19.199 --> 00:36:21.119
It Grupo de Schlepo?
00:36:21.360 --> 00:36:21.840
Yes.
00:36:22.079 --> 00:36:26.639
So it's never it never came to fruition, really.
00:36:26.880 --> 00:36:28.400
It had a slight moment.
00:36:28.480 --> 00:36:30.400
We did it in Aspen and then it died.
00:36:30.719 --> 00:36:34.639
I don't even know if Buka de Bepo is a national chain, but for it definitely is.
00:36:34.800 --> 00:36:37.119
Okay, so Buka de Bepo, the Italian restaurant.
00:36:37.519 --> 00:36:39.119
No one has jokes about this place.
00:36:39.280 --> 00:36:41.119
So let's be the comics.
00:36:42.159 --> 00:36:44.800
Well, let's let's hang our hat on Buka de Beppo.
00:36:45.119 --> 00:36:46.480
We had This is our hot pop.
00:36:47.199 --> 00:36:48.000
Here's the thing, though.
00:36:48.159 --> 00:36:53.760
As comedians, when you date or marry another comedian, obviously you fuck around, you joke around constantly.
00:36:53.920 --> 00:37:00.159
Esther and I have so many bits that we do as a couple in the house that were never intended to be stage jokes.
00:37:00.559 --> 00:37:09.679
And in my mind, Buka de Schlepo was one of those where it's funny to us and was never supposed to be formulated into like a joke for the masses.
00:37:09.920 --> 00:37:14.880
The joke being Buca de Bepo is family-style Italian food.
00:37:15.119 --> 00:37:22.320
And we went to a gross birthday dinner at Buka de Bepo, and we started, we we ran this like fun bit.
00:37:22.480 --> 00:37:38.239
We were talking about how Buka de Bepo should start getting parties to come by advertising as by advertising as Buka de Schlepo, where they'll send like an airport sprinter van to come pick you and your group up from the business conference that you're all in town for.
00:37:38.719 --> 00:37:40.880
From any courtyard Marriott.
00:37:41.199 --> 00:37:41.920
Yeah, we start doing it.
00:37:42.079 --> 00:37:42.639
We will pick you up.
00:37:42.960 --> 00:37:44.719
Do you want sheet cake for 40?
00:37:44.960 --> 00:37:47.199
All right, then meet us at Courtyard Marriott.
00:37:47.280 --> 00:37:49.039
We'll send the van Buka de Schlepo.
00:37:49.280 --> 00:37:53.679
Buka de Schlepo will take you directly to Buka de Pepo for groups.
00:37:53.920 --> 00:37:55.599
When you're here, you're a group.
00:37:55.840 --> 00:37:57.039
Puka de Schlepo.
00:37:57.360 --> 00:37:58.559
And that's that's the bit.
00:37:59.039 --> 00:38:00.719
I mean, maybe if you're watching, well, sure.
00:38:01.360 --> 00:38:03.039
You said we could do a group poop.
00:38:03.360 --> 00:38:03.679
Yes.
00:38:03.920 --> 00:38:05.440
They all hold hands in the stall.
00:38:05.519 --> 00:38:07.280
Yes, we got very ridiculous with it.
00:38:07.440 --> 00:38:09.920
They cut out, they cut out holes in the store walls.
00:38:10.079 --> 00:38:13.199
Group poop after you group sheet cake and booka de schlepo.
00:38:13.440 --> 00:38:14.719
Come the group of the schleppo.
00:38:15.119 --> 00:38:18.159
Again, maybe people watching or listening are catching a nice chuckle.
00:38:18.239 --> 00:38:19.360
Maybe they think this is awful.
00:38:19.440 --> 00:38:25.280
But either way, even the people catching a chuckle, I think, believe this joke never deserves the light of day.
00:38:26.079 --> 00:38:26.400
No, no, no.
00:38:26.480 --> 00:38:27.039
This is a boomer.
00:38:27.119 --> 00:38:35.440
A boomer watching it is going like, you should tell Lauren Michaels and get the sh that shtick on the chanel.
00:38:36.960 --> 00:38:37.519
Perfect.
00:38:37.599 --> 00:38:38.800
How's your career going?
00:38:39.199 --> 00:38:40.960
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:38:41.840 --> 00:38:44.079
Eat Buka de Bepo in moderation.
00:38:44.239 --> 00:38:44.719
Where are the books?
00:38:45.039 --> 00:38:46.239
Heart, heart, heart.
00:38:47.119 --> 00:38:47.360
Bye.
00:38:47.840 --> 00:38:48.320
No, wait.
00:38:48.400 --> 00:38:49.280
We have to where are you?
00:38:49.440 --> 00:38:50.559
Where can people see you?
00:38:50.960 --> 00:38:52.159
Same place as last time.
00:38:52.480 --> 00:38:53.519
April 13th.
00:38:53.920 --> 00:38:54.400
Where are they?
00:38:54.639 --> 00:38:56.400
I want you to stay on camera.
00:38:58.800 --> 00:38:59.679
April 13th.
00:38:59.760 --> 00:39:02.159
I'm at DC Comedy Loft in Washington, D.C.
00:39:02.320 --> 00:39:02.960
April 14th.
00:39:03.039 --> 00:39:10.800
I'm headlining Wise Guys in Town Square, Las Vegas, April 23rd, shooting my special in Denver, Colorado at the Elaine Wolf Theater.
00:39:11.360 --> 00:39:16.079
I will be shooting a special for the tech company OnlyFans on March 17th.
00:39:16.239 --> 00:39:18.639
I love that you are really trying to make Fetch happen.
00:39:19.360 --> 00:39:21.199
You're really trying to make OnlyFans a tech company.
00:39:21.440 --> 00:39:25.039
The new comedy place to be comedy.
00:39:25.280 --> 00:39:27.679
I'm also gonna be on tour.
00:39:28.320 --> 00:39:30.639
March 17th in Austin, Texas.
00:39:30.880 --> 00:39:34.800
April 15th at The Wynn, if you're a member only for Zero Bond.
00:39:35.039 --> 00:39:37.599
April 16th, Gainesville, Florida.
00:39:37.920 --> 00:39:38.079
St.
00:39:38.239 --> 00:39:44.079
Augustine, April 17th, April 18th, West Palm Beach, Florida, and some Miami people.
00:39:44.159 --> 00:39:44.960
You can come to that.
00:39:45.039 --> 00:39:46.639
And April 19th in St.
00:39:46.800 --> 00:39:47.920
Pete, Florida.
00:39:48.159 --> 00:39:49.199
Very exciting.
00:39:49.519 --> 00:39:50.880
The Palm Queen over here.
00:39:50.960 --> 00:39:51.280
All right.
00:39:51.519 --> 00:39:54.239
Yes, I will be back in Florida.
00:39:55.039 --> 00:39:58.639
Follow us at Against His Will on Instagram.
00:39:58.800 --> 00:40:01.440
Subscribe at Against His Will on YouTube.
00:40:01.920 --> 00:40:06.880
Follow her and pay for our future pool at Esther4U on OnlyFans.
00:40:07.199 --> 00:40:08.880
And uh keep on checking in.
00:40:09.039 --> 00:40:09.840
Thank you.
00:00:06.400 --> 00:00:07.919
Hold for cement truck.
00:00:08.080 --> 00:00:09.359
Hold for cement truck.
00:00:09.439 --> 00:00:10.880
Applause, applause, applause.
00:00:11.359 --> 00:00:19.519
Welcome to Against His Will with Noah Gardensworth, the reluctant, and Esther Steinberg, the person who did all the work.
00:00:19.839 --> 00:00:22.559
Oh, I thought you were gonna go Esther Steinberg, the very willing.
00:00:22.719 --> 00:00:23.760
But yes, episode two.
00:00:24.000 --> 00:00:24.640
She got me back.
00:00:24.800 --> 00:00:26.160
We're doing it again.
00:00:26.559 --> 00:00:28.000
Yay, how are you, Noah?
00:00:28.320 --> 00:00:28.719
I'm good.
00:00:28.800 --> 00:00:29.440
I'm feeling good.
00:00:29.600 --> 00:00:32.000
Learning something new every time about podcasting.
00:00:32.240 --> 00:00:34.880
Uh, episode one, I learned not to breathe into the mic.
00:00:34.960 --> 00:00:42.880
In watching episode one, I've learned for episode two to sit forward on the pillow so it doesn't look like I have the juiciest tits in the world for the entire episode.
00:00:43.119 --> 00:00:45.119
How do I sit back like this?
00:00:45.679 --> 00:00:47.280
You sit back, you want the tits.
00:00:47.359 --> 00:00:48.799
I'll sit forward, I don't want the tits.
00:00:48.880 --> 00:00:55.920
But yeah, I had more fun than I expected for episode one, and we'll see how episode two episode two goes.
00:00:56.079 --> 00:00:58.880
But you're feeling good.
00:01:00.399 --> 00:01:01.840
Uh I'm feeling okay.
00:01:02.000 --> 00:01:04.239
I think I got a little cold from traveling.
00:01:04.319 --> 00:01:08.480
I went home uh for literally five hours.
00:01:08.560 --> 00:01:12.719
I I went back to Denver to check out the theater where I'll be shooting my special in April.
00:01:12.879 --> 00:01:14.879
So I flew in for the afternoon to meet the director.
00:01:14.959 --> 00:01:18.959
And I have to say, if you're gonna go home, five hours is the great time frame to do it.
00:01:19.040 --> 00:01:22.560
I got to have lunch with my sister, did what I needed to do, and then got out of there.
00:01:22.719 --> 00:01:28.879
But in that five hours, my dad gave me a ride to the airport, which was enough time for him to ask me how work is going.
00:01:29.040 --> 00:01:34.000
And I had to say, no different than when you asked me how work was going yesterday.
00:01:34.159 --> 00:01:37.200
It's like boomers are pre-programmed to be like, did you make money today?
00:01:37.280 --> 00:01:38.000
Did you make money today?
00:01:38.239 --> 00:01:38.959
Boomers are gonna boom.
00:01:39.120 --> 00:01:40.480
Well, there's the did you make money?
00:01:40.560 --> 00:02:00.400
And also as my mom likes to say, dates are not calorie-free, or like anything has calories, or like I did a video where I was eating a bagel, and my mom's comment was should be enjoyed with moderation, which was her way of saying that bagel has a lot of calories, you fat pig.
00:02:00.640 --> 00:02:05.920
But she said should be enjoyed in moderation with three hearts to let you know that it's coming from a place of love.
00:02:06.159 --> 00:02:07.200
Coming from a place of love.
00:02:07.280 --> 00:02:08.000
Did you make money?
00:02:08.159 --> 00:02:09.280
Coming from a place of love.
00:02:09.360 --> 00:02:10.240
Where's your money?
00:02:10.319 --> 00:02:11.280
That has calories.
00:02:11.520 --> 00:02:12.400
Yes, the the cowboy.
00:02:12.560 --> 00:02:13.039
What do we say?
00:02:13.199 --> 00:02:14.080
Boomers are gonna boom.
00:02:14.400 --> 00:02:15.280
Boomers are gonna boom.
00:02:15.360 --> 00:02:21.680
The constant pestering to make sure your work is going okay and that you're eating okay does come from a place of love.
00:02:21.759 --> 00:02:24.400
But boy oh boy, does it make me want to pull my hair out.
00:02:24.639 --> 00:02:34.400
Um, the bagel, I went to the the child's classroom to read books, and I very quickly they I had 30 minutes to kill.
00:02:34.560 --> 00:02:36.560
So I went to Einstein's bagel.
00:02:37.199 --> 00:02:42.879
So I posted, wow, humiliated that I love Einstein bagels so much, and me eating a bagel.
00:02:43.120 --> 00:02:44.159
Innocent post.
00:02:44.240 --> 00:02:49.599
And I was acknowledging that Einstein bagels is is a gross take on bagels.
00:02:50.240 --> 00:02:56.159
First you went Einstein's bagel, then Einstein bagels, and I think it's actually Einstein's bagels.
00:02:57.120 --> 00:02:59.759
You've said it two or three times and haven't said it correctly once.
00:02:59.919 --> 00:03:00.479
I'm a boomer.
00:03:00.560 --> 00:03:01.919
The Einstein's bagels.
00:03:02.080 --> 00:03:02.719
So I'm either.
00:03:03.039 --> 00:03:04.639
No, that's what it is, Einstein's bagels.
00:03:04.719 --> 00:03:05.360
Oh, I got it right.
00:03:05.439 --> 00:03:05.599
Okay.
00:03:06.000 --> 00:03:07.599
As I'm trying to get it wrong, I get it right.
00:03:08.159 --> 00:03:08.800
I'm gonna Google it.
00:03:08.879 --> 00:03:10.080
Well, you keep telling your story, I'm gonna go.
00:03:10.319 --> 00:03:18.800
Okay, the story is this I have never gotten so much polarizing information from people.
00:03:18.960 --> 00:03:19.919
Everyone had a comment.
00:03:20.000 --> 00:03:24.960
It was my most viewed, most commented social media post of all time.
00:03:25.280 --> 00:03:30.319
A story that said, humiliated to admit how much I like Einstein's bagel.
00:03:31.520 --> 00:03:35.120
It's actually Einstein brothers bagels.
00:03:35.439 --> 00:03:35.840
Whatever.
00:03:36.080 --> 00:03:37.439
People know it as Einstein's bagels.
00:03:41.120 --> 00:03:44.639
But anyway, they're already way too much time spent on Einstein's.
00:03:44.719 --> 00:03:50.240
But the point is holy moly, people are like, that place is great.
00:03:50.319 --> 00:03:51.520
Those sandwiches are amazing.
00:03:51.680 --> 00:03:53.199
Yes, yes, Einstein.
00:03:53.680 --> 00:03:56.000
Or you should be ashamed of yourself.
00:03:56.159 --> 00:03:57.520
This is despicable.
00:03:57.680 --> 00:03:59.280
We're pulling your Jew card.
00:03:59.439 --> 00:04:00.479
How dare you?
00:04:00.800 --> 00:04:02.240
You are filth.
00:04:02.479 --> 00:04:04.080
And I'm like, whoa, whoa.
00:04:04.240 --> 00:04:11.199
I had no idea the kind of content that I was creating was so controversial in 2026.
00:04:11.439 --> 00:04:13.120
I'm sorry, I'm garbage.
00:04:13.280 --> 00:04:14.879
It was the one that was closest.
00:04:14.960 --> 00:04:15.919
It's about convenience.
00:04:16.000 --> 00:04:19.199
And also, it was good.
00:04:19.600 --> 00:04:20.240
It is good.
00:04:20.319 --> 00:04:22.480
I like Einstein Brothers bagels.
00:04:22.800 --> 00:04:28.319
Um, I have been staying away from bagels in the cruelest twist of irony.
00:04:28.560 --> 00:04:29.839
I have no problem talking about it.
00:04:30.000 --> 00:04:32.000
I started taking testosterone injections.
00:04:32.079 --> 00:04:33.839
I had my 42-year-old check up.
00:04:33.920 --> 00:04:38.000
The doctor said I'm in the normal range, but I'm on the low end of normal for testosterone.
00:04:38.079 --> 00:04:39.680
It's only a matter of time before I have low T.
00:04:39.920 --> 00:04:41.199
So he's Oh, I'm sorry.
00:04:41.279 --> 00:04:44.480
I just don't want to hear about men's hormonal issues.
00:04:44.720 --> 00:04:45.199
Oh no.
00:04:45.279 --> 00:04:47.920
You know how many videos you sent me about the luteal phase?
00:04:48.079 --> 00:04:49.920
Whatever the hell that is.
00:04:50.160 --> 00:04:52.319
You can sit and listen to this for a second.
00:04:52.480 --> 00:04:59.120
Uh so anyway, I started taking these testosterone injections, which the doctor told me was also going to help with weight loss.
00:04:59.279 --> 00:05:03.439
And I've literally been working out harder than ever, eating better than ever, no bagels.
00:05:03.759 --> 00:05:06.319
Are you sure he was just mispronouncing Ozempic?
00:05:06.560 --> 00:05:07.199
No, no, no.
00:05:07.279 --> 00:05:09.199
It's just testosterone injections.
00:05:09.279 --> 00:05:11.120
I'm not I'm not doing the GLP ones.
00:05:11.600 --> 00:05:21.920
But the worst part is, even though it ultimately helps with weight loss, for the first four to eight weeks, it creates weight gain with like water retention.
00:05:22.160 --> 00:05:29.279
So I'm actually eating right and working out and have never been or felt fatter, which is a giant kick in the nuts.
00:05:29.519 --> 00:05:32.639
Well, you have done something that I find amazing.
00:05:32.800 --> 00:05:36.319
Well, you're cutting out certain food, and I'm very proud of you.
00:05:36.480 --> 00:05:40.560
And the kids call you names and you and I defend you.
00:05:40.959 --> 00:05:41.279
Yes.
00:05:41.439 --> 00:05:43.519
When my kids go, Why is your belly so big?
00:05:43.680 --> 00:05:54.319
She's like, hey, he's going through a hormonal change, as if a three-year-old and a five-year-old, and then and then it just leads to what's a hormone, and then it's just an entire set of questions about daddy's big fat belly at 6 a.m.
00:05:54.560 --> 00:05:56.160
that I want no part of in any direction.
00:05:56.560 --> 00:06:00.079
And also, what's a hormone is an impossible question to answer, but I think I did a good job.
00:06:00.160 --> 00:06:03.600
I said it's the part of your body that communicates with the other parts of your body.
00:06:03.839 --> 00:06:06.079
Oh, I checked out of that conversation mentally.
00:06:06.560 --> 00:06:14.319
While while you were talking to the children about the hormones that are leading to daddy's big fat belly at 6 a.m., I had the thousand-yard stare of a man that was over.
00:06:14.800 --> 00:06:18.240
And then I made them say, Daddy, we're proud of you for being healthy.
00:06:18.399 --> 00:06:29.839
But you'll do, so you are also doing something brand new, which is the sauna, which you've entered a world of bro that I've never seen before.
00:06:30.319 --> 00:06:31.360
I'm a sauna bro now.
00:06:31.439 --> 00:06:34.319
I get my 15 to 20 minutes of sauna in every day.
00:06:34.560 --> 00:06:37.199
I feel like it might be not real.
00:06:37.279 --> 00:06:38.639
Like, is sauna helping?
00:06:38.800 --> 00:06:39.600
Is it not helping?
00:06:39.759 --> 00:06:46.079
Or did like some wood company convince everybody that saunas are great and it's a lie?
00:06:46.560 --> 00:06:48.160
Big wood is behind the sauna crazy.
00:06:48.399 --> 00:06:50.000
Wait, you This is my conspiracy theory.
00:06:50.240 --> 00:06:53.199
You're so tapped into health trends and healthy living.
00:06:53.279 --> 00:06:55.439
You truly don't feel better after a sauna?
00:06:55.920 --> 00:07:03.920
Well, no, I feel very hot and uncomfortable after a sauna, and I have to suffer through the smell of feet, other people's feet.
00:07:04.079 --> 00:07:11.120
I also have a sauna blanket, and so I kind of prefer the sauna blanket, but I'm there for pictures.
00:07:11.839 --> 00:07:12.800
No, we didn't even.
00:07:13.120 --> 00:07:16.639
She asked me, you asked me to take a picture of you in the sauna.
00:07:16.800 --> 00:07:22.079
It's me, 14 other sweaty men, and my hot wife in a bikini, and she's like, Will you take a picture?
00:07:22.160 --> 00:07:23.839
I'm like, Are you out of your fucking mind?
00:07:23.920 --> 00:07:27.680
No, I'm not doing a photo shoot of you in the sauna right now.
00:07:28.000 --> 00:07:32.000
So I can be like, bros, this is the way of life, bros, right?
00:07:32.160 --> 00:07:33.680
90-year-old Asian man?
00:07:35.040 --> 00:07:35.759
He was good.
00:07:35.920 --> 00:07:36.480
He was good.
00:07:36.560 --> 00:07:38.240
He was he was going through some stuff.
00:07:38.319 --> 00:07:39.199
They're all breathing through.
00:07:39.600 --> 00:07:42.240
90 year old Asian man doing anything I want in.
00:07:42.399 --> 00:07:42.959
Yeah, yeah.
00:07:43.199 --> 00:07:45.600
He's got answers, he's got keys to longevity.
00:07:45.920 --> 00:07:46.319
That is true.
00:07:46.879 --> 00:07:54.639
If you see a 90-year-old Asian man in a sauna, whatever else he's doing after the sauna, I want to know and I want to replicate it.
00:07:54.879 --> 00:07:59.519
Well, I will say a lot of girls are like, I don't know where to meet a guy, and they're at the nail salon.
00:07:59.600 --> 00:08:00.319
Where are all the men?
00:08:00.399 --> 00:08:01.439
And they go to Pilates.
00:08:01.839 --> 00:08:02.800
Go to the sauna.
00:08:03.040 --> 00:08:11.120
You want to meet a guy, you want to meet a guy that cares about his health or doesn't, then go to don't touch my husband, go to a sauna.
00:08:11.360 --> 00:08:12.240
They are all there.
00:08:12.399 --> 00:08:16.399
They're so schwitzy, they are not open to taking pictures of you.
00:08:16.959 --> 00:08:22.879
But I will say, even creepy of creep guys probably know better than to hit on a woman in the sauna.
00:08:23.040 --> 00:08:27.839
I think your original take of, you used to say, if you want to meet guys, go to Chipotle.
00:08:28.079 --> 00:08:30.879
If you want to know where the guys are, they're eating burritos.
00:08:31.360 --> 00:08:34.320
They're also in line for the food truck for a fried chicken sandwich.
00:08:34.559 --> 00:08:36.159
I think that's legitimately good advice.
00:08:36.320 --> 00:08:39.600
If you really want to meet a guy, go where guys eat.
00:08:39.840 --> 00:08:42.720
Yeah, but if you're a guy, don't go to yoga to meet a girl.
00:08:42.960 --> 00:08:45.759
Stand right outside of yoga and pretend you're meditating.
00:08:46.000 --> 00:08:47.840
Be like, I'm here for the next class.
00:08:48.080 --> 00:08:48.720
That would be great.
00:08:48.879 --> 00:08:52.159
Like, I don't want you behind me for an hour if I was single.
00:08:52.240 --> 00:08:59.120
But if you're like, I'm really in the zone meditating with my mandala beads, I'd be like, oh, that's so cool.
00:08:59.279 --> 00:08:59.759
What's your name?
00:08:59.919 --> 00:09:06.240
So if you take anything from this podcast, fellas, if you want to meet a lady, stalk her outside of a yoga class.
00:09:06.399 --> 00:09:10.240
Ladies, if you want to meet a guy, hang around a Chipotle or a sauna.
00:09:10.720 --> 00:09:15.759
Both, both really good ways to meet people that aren't the internet where everyone meets each other.
00:09:16.000 --> 00:09:19.039
Now, I do have to confess something that's weighing on my heart.
00:09:19.200 --> 00:09:20.480
Uh, I don't know if people could tell.
00:09:20.559 --> 00:09:22.720
I got a haircut before the pod.
00:09:23.440 --> 00:09:24.720
I have been unfaithful.
00:09:24.960 --> 00:09:25.759
You look amazing.
00:09:26.000 --> 00:09:26.639
Thank you.
00:09:26.879 --> 00:09:30.159
I have been unfaithful to my barber, and I don't feel good about it.
00:09:30.240 --> 00:09:32.000
I am cheating on my barber.
00:09:32.320 --> 00:09:35.600
I found a new barber without letting the old barber know.
00:09:36.080 --> 00:09:40.320
Why didn't you just tell the old barber of the face that you wanted him to fix?
00:09:40.480 --> 00:09:41.919
Why couldn't you just explain to your body?
00:09:42.240 --> 00:09:50.960
Like every every time I'm going through it in my mind, all the lines or excuses are literally out of someone who's cheating on their significant other.
00:09:51.039 --> 00:09:54.159
I'm like, I don't want to post on social media in case he sees it.
00:09:54.320 --> 00:09:57.840
I feel bad telling him that I found someone else that I'm happier with.
00:09:58.000 --> 00:10:01.039
I feel bad by the fact that he's a great guy and did nothing wrong.
00:10:01.200 --> 00:10:02.399
I just needed a change.
00:10:02.639 --> 00:10:04.159
It's you, not him.
00:10:04.639 --> 00:10:05.279
It is me.
00:10:05.440 --> 00:10:06.000
It is me.
00:10:06.159 --> 00:10:12.480
Well, I mean, I did a pretty good job barbering you during the 2020 uh COVID pandemic.
00:10:14.879 --> 00:10:19.679
No, I also did a mustache and started asking him about the game.
00:10:19.919 --> 00:10:21.120
You were a funny barber character.
00:10:21.279 --> 00:10:35.360
When I when I needed a lineup during COVID when everything was closed, she would draw a goatee and do like a New York Puerto Rican accent and start talking to me about UFC and sports, and it was funny, but you were so bad at lining me up.
00:10:35.440 --> 00:10:42.320
I literally had to draw the shape of a head with like a neck and then diagram on there what my hairline should look like on the neck.
00:10:42.480 --> 00:10:44.879
Which was a like the bottom of a hexagon.
00:10:44.960 --> 00:10:45.759
You want like the bottom of the bigger.
00:10:46.799 --> 00:10:52.000
It was like diagonal on each side with a flat with a straight line across, which you were really struggling with.
00:10:52.320 --> 00:10:54.960
And everyone's like, no one needs geometry when you grow up.
00:10:55.039 --> 00:10:59.200
Yeah, if you're married to a bro, you're gonna need geometry.
00:10:59.519 --> 00:11:03.200
I needed a ruler and a protractor to do your barber work.
00:11:03.440 --> 00:11:15.440
But let me ask you this like if you were not necessarily if you were not necessarily unhappy with the haircuts you were getting from your stylist, but you just wanted to see what else was out there.
00:11:15.759 --> 00:11:16.399
Would you break up?
00:11:17.600 --> 00:11:21.200
Oh, an eye when I guess I'm panicking.
00:11:21.360 --> 00:11:24.240
I cannot help but be a white woman.
00:11:24.399 --> 00:11:25.679
I cannot help it.
00:11:25.919 --> 00:11:31.039
And as a woman who ages, I am having a birthday.
00:11:31.120 --> 00:11:35.919
I made an appointment to get Botox, and I just wanted to see what she would say.
00:11:36.399 --> 00:11:36.720
No?
00:11:37.200 --> 00:11:38.799
She said that men don't know.
00:11:40.080 --> 00:11:40.399
Sure.
00:11:40.559 --> 00:11:48.639
I'm I am certainly not an authority or an expert on Botox, but I am so opposed to you doing Botox based on the fact that A, I truly don't think you need it.
00:11:48.720 --> 00:11:51.440
At least in this blind man's opinion, I think you look great.
00:11:51.600 --> 00:11:55.840
And B, it's something that once you start, you're going to have to keep on doing it.
00:11:56.240 --> 00:11:59.039
Like it's a meta- you have to keep on going, right?
00:11:59.120 --> 00:12:00.000
You can't just do Botox.
00:12:00.399 --> 00:12:01.120
No, you can quit.
00:12:01.200 --> 00:12:02.159
You can quit all you want.
00:12:02.639 --> 00:12:03.600
But it's preventative.
00:12:03.679 --> 00:12:10.240
It's just like you freeze all the muscles in your face so you can not do this or this, and then your skin looks young.
00:12:10.639 --> 00:12:17.919
Women overdo it with Botox and ultimately end up looking worse as Botox freaks than they ever did before with natural wrinkles or lines.
00:12:18.159 --> 00:12:18.559
Yes.
00:12:18.879 --> 00:12:26.480
And like if you wear fake eyelashes a lot and then you take the fake eyelashes off, then you look in the mirror and you feel bald and ugly.
00:12:27.279 --> 00:12:29.440
That's why you don't get fake eyelashes.
00:12:29.679 --> 00:12:32.080
So that you're yeah, I don't like fake eyelashes.
00:12:32.240 --> 00:12:33.440
I don't want you doing Botox.
00:12:33.519 --> 00:12:34.480
I love you just the way you are.
00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:35.200
Is that so wrong?
00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:37.279
What about like clown lips?
00:12:37.600 --> 00:12:41.519
No, I don't want you to do your lip injections either for the same reason of Botox.
00:12:41.600 --> 00:12:42.320
It's maintenance.
00:12:42.480 --> 00:12:47.919
Once you do it, you have to keep on doing it, and then you're either going to go too far or it's going to become the norm.
00:12:48.000 --> 00:12:50.320
And when you stop doing it, it's gonna look really weird.
00:12:50.559 --> 00:13:09.600
I guess I just need to go and be like Kate Winslet and be like, I am I am aging gracefully because it is just part of being a role model and showing that uh a skin wrinkles, even though she's she's famous for having wrinkles, and that's how do you feel about that Kate Winslet impression?
00:13:09.840 --> 00:13:11.200
Are you proud of that British accent?
00:13:11.440 --> 00:13:12.000
No, I'm not.
00:13:12.080 --> 00:13:17.039
It was more peppa pig than anything, but you know, I I you know you gotta get it in.
00:13:17.360 --> 00:13:18.720
What's your best accent?
00:13:18.960 --> 00:13:22.960
Um, I do an Australian accent that everyone says is actually New Zealand.
00:13:23.279 --> 00:13:23.600
Okay.
00:13:24.240 --> 00:13:28.320
So your best accent is New Zealand, is Kiwi while attempting to be Australian.
00:13:28.960 --> 00:13:30.000
My Jamaican sounds Irish.
00:13:30.879 --> 00:13:31.840
We don't know what's happening.
00:13:32.240 --> 00:13:34.559
Most people's Jamaican ends up veering Irish.
00:13:34.720 --> 00:13:37.919
Speaking of Jamaican, I thought it was very funny.
00:13:38.080 --> 00:13:44.720
Cleaning up the kitchen before the pod, you just had a playlist and it was and Sean Paul's Shake That Thing came on.
00:13:44.960 --> 00:13:45.840
And it was through.
00:13:46.240 --> 00:13:47.360
Is it get busy?
00:13:47.679 --> 00:13:48.960
No, it's called Shake That Thing.
00:13:49.120 --> 00:13:49.600
That's the song.
00:13:49.759 --> 00:13:52.639
But at one point in the lyrics, you go, Did he just say kids' buffet?
00:13:52.879 --> 00:13:54.480
I'm positive it was kids' buffet.
00:13:54.639 --> 00:13:55.919
He definitely didn't say kids' buffet.
00:13:56.000 --> 00:13:56.879
And she goes, Then what'd he say?
00:13:56.960 --> 00:13:59.279
I'm like, I don't know what the lyrics are, but it's not kids' buffet.
00:13:59.360 --> 00:14:00.399
And she goes, Then what are the lyrics?
00:14:00.480 --> 00:14:01.600
I'm like, nobody knows the lyrics.
00:14:01.679 --> 00:14:04.159
Even Sean Paul doesn't know the lyric to a Sean Paul song.
00:14:06.480 --> 00:14:06.960
It's okay.
00:14:14.399 --> 00:14:16.399
Okay, my Comics Unleash is coming out.
00:14:16.480 --> 00:14:17.840
My Comics Unleash episode.
00:14:18.240 --> 00:14:19.440
Applause, applause, applause.
00:14:19.600 --> 00:14:20.480
Which was so fun.
00:14:20.799 --> 00:14:28.080
Byron Allen, a comp comed a comedian turned rich person.
00:14:28.559 --> 00:14:29.600
Comedian turned.
00:14:29.919 --> 00:14:31.440
He's he's above rich person.
00:14:31.519 --> 00:14:32.399
He is mogul.
00:14:32.480 --> 00:14:38.320
He is a billionaire, owns multiple businesses, owns the weather channel, mogul.
00:14:38.559 --> 00:14:38.799
Okay.
00:14:39.039 --> 00:14:40.559
But he brought back Comics Unleashed.
00:14:41.039 --> 00:14:42.480
Truly incredible man.
00:14:42.559 --> 00:14:50.720
My favorite part of working with him is he had some great stories and he would say applause, applause, applause for the audience to applause, which was great.
00:14:50.799 --> 00:14:52.320
I'm like, I need to create this world for myself.
00:14:52.399 --> 00:14:52.720
I love this.
00:14:53.120 --> 00:14:58.799
Now, as an inside joke around the house, when we say things and the other person doesn't respond, we just go applause, applause, applause.
00:14:59.200 --> 00:15:00.480
Applause, applause, applause.
00:15:00.720 --> 00:15:03.200
Instead of crickets, it's applause, applause, applause.
00:15:03.360 --> 00:15:06.639
And anyway, so that's gonna be on um March 17th.
00:15:06.720 --> 00:15:11.279
And then I'm also going to Austin, Texas, which I haven't been in a while.
00:15:11.360 --> 00:15:14.159
And I feel like when I went, there was not a lot of comedy.
00:15:14.320 --> 00:15:17.039
And now I'm coming back, and it is a comedy town.
00:15:17.200 --> 00:15:18.159
Oh boy, oh boy.
00:15:18.240 --> 00:15:22.879
And I'll be at a place called the Sunset Strip, which is so misleading because it sounds like it's in LA.
00:15:23.039 --> 00:15:23.919
And what are you doing there?
00:15:24.240 --> 00:15:25.200
Who are you shooting for?
00:15:25.440 --> 00:15:31.120
I'm doing it for a tech company called OnlyFans, and I will be performing comedy.
00:15:31.279 --> 00:15:36.159
I mean, good for OnlyFans for paying comedians to do a comedy special.
00:15:36.879 --> 00:15:37.679
What a concept.
00:15:38.240 --> 00:15:39.600
I am thrilled that you're doing the special.
00:15:41.039 --> 00:15:46.159
And because you're doing the special for OnlyFans, they make you create an OnlyFans page, right?
00:15:46.320 --> 00:15:46.639
Yes.
00:15:46.720 --> 00:15:50.080
They they want you as part of the special.
00:15:50.240 --> 00:15:57.279
They want you to have a page for at onlyfans.com, which you can now follow me, Esther for you.
00:15:57.840 --> 00:15:58.559
Y-O-U.
00:15:58.799 --> 00:15:59.039
Yeah.
00:15:59.279 --> 00:16:00.240
Not for you.
00:16:01.519 --> 00:16:04.639
E S-T-E-R, the number for Y-O-U.
00:16:05.039 --> 00:16:05.600
Yes.
00:16:05.919 --> 00:16:07.360
And I love it.
00:16:07.519 --> 00:16:08.720
I love that the page.
00:16:08.799 --> 00:16:16.799
You're, you know, OnlyFans obviously has an automatic connection with pornographic or borderline pornographic content.
00:16:16.960 --> 00:16:21.919
But you as a comedian are allowed to do anything as safe as you want on your page.
00:16:22.080 --> 00:16:30.960
Uh, you're certainly not shooting videos, but I love like the other day you did a video where you were telling jokes in a bikini by the pool.
00:16:31.039 --> 00:16:34.639
It was a bikini that you could wear to any pool in America full of children.
00:16:34.799 --> 00:16:35.440
Jokes by the pool.
00:16:36.000 --> 00:16:38.879
Your criticism, though, you were like, let this be a better joke.
00:16:38.960 --> 00:16:40.320
And I was like, no, it's a yeah.
00:16:40.480 --> 00:16:45.039
My problem was not that you're doing something in a bathing suit on OnlyFans, is that I thought it was a subpart joke.
00:16:45.120 --> 00:16:49.039
If I'm like, how does your husband feel about you telling jokes in a bikini?
00:16:49.200 --> 00:16:54.720
I'm like, well, he thinks I could be better at the punch up and get it a little cleaner.
00:16:55.120 --> 00:16:57.679
My problem is always going to be comedy-based.
00:16:57.759 --> 00:17:01.279
I have no problem with you taking agency of your beautiful looks.
00:17:01.519 --> 00:17:08.240
As I've said, once you ask me, is it okay if I have this OnlyFans page and I'm just doing like jokes by the pool and bikini?
00:17:08.319 --> 00:17:15.839
I said, use that money to build a pool at our house and let's fill it with the tears of the cucks that are paying you for your OnlyFans content.
00:17:16.000 --> 00:17:16.799
I'm all for it.
00:17:16.880 --> 00:17:19.680
But if you're gonna do jokes by the pool, make them good jokes.
00:17:20.079 --> 00:17:26.240
As if people, and then I posted, I like released the idea of I am gonna be on OnlyFans.
00:17:26.400 --> 00:17:33.279
I will be doing stuff, um, trying on stuff on the fitting room, which I love doing, and then um jokes by the pool.
00:17:33.359 --> 00:17:35.119
And I said jamming with the guitar.
00:17:35.359 --> 00:17:39.839
Someone posted or asked, they're like, wait, you play guitar?
00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:54.559
And to that person, shout out, I love that someone saw past all of the jipper jabber of OnlyFans to get to the real juicy moment of yes, I'm going to force myself to play the guitar and jam.
00:17:54.720 --> 00:17:57.200
And I don't have a problem jamming, and I like jamming.
00:17:57.759 --> 00:17:59.519
You don't seem to like my jamming.
00:17:59.759 --> 00:18:01.599
Well, I don't know how you feel about my jamming.
00:18:01.839 --> 00:18:02.640
Your guitar playing?
00:18:03.440 --> 00:18:12.799
I'm impressed by your guitar playing because you're not like a real guitar player, but you're good at the for someone who very rarely plays guitar, you actually are very musically inclined.
00:18:12.880 --> 00:18:18.400
You know how to read music, so I'm always impressed when you'll pull up a songbook and all of a sudden you can play this song.
00:18:18.960 --> 00:18:23.119
Now, this is the pot call in the kettle black because I have arguably the worst voice of all time.
00:18:23.200 --> 00:18:24.480
I am not claiming to be a voice.
00:18:24.640 --> 00:18:27.680
We love that you have a bad voice because if you had a good voice, I wouldn't be here.
00:18:28.000 --> 00:18:28.400
Correct.
00:18:28.559 --> 00:18:34.400
If if I had a good voice, I would have HIV right now from sleeping with everyone in the world.
00:18:34.720 --> 00:18:38.559
God did not give me a good voice to save me from myself.
00:18:39.200 --> 00:18:40.319
Moving on.
00:18:40.559 --> 00:18:42.000
I don't have a good voice.
00:18:42.240 --> 00:18:46.480
You have a better voice than me, but you also don't have a good voice.
00:18:46.720 --> 00:18:54.400
And when you play the guitar, you sing, and when you're being silly and when you're knowingly singing with a bad voice, it's funny.
00:18:54.559 --> 00:19:08.720
When you try to sing with a good voice and you do it very earnestly and get hooked on a song that you're practicing, and I have to listen from afar for an hour while you sing a song that you can't really sing, it's not my favorite thing to happen.
00:19:09.119 --> 00:19:13.119
And I'll wake up in the morning and I'll say that sad and I took a deep breath.
00:19:13.440 --> 00:19:21.440
No, I think I'm good at singing, I am not good at singing, I know that I'm gonna, but I wanna put it out that I will be like Adam Sandler and be like scooby-doo.
00:19:22.640 --> 00:19:25.279
Yeah, your last special started with a funny song, and that's great.
00:19:25.519 --> 00:19:26.079
That's what I'm saying.
00:19:26.400 --> 00:19:29.519
If you're if you're embracing, you can carry a tune.
00:19:29.599 --> 00:19:31.759
Like I am just straight up bad at singing.
00:19:32.160 --> 00:19:33.200
But you had a rap album.
00:19:33.359 --> 00:19:34.880
Well, I can rap, I can't sing.
00:19:34.960 --> 00:19:36.400
Those are two very different skills.
00:19:36.720 --> 00:19:38.720
Maybe I'll play guitar and you rap.
00:19:38.960 --> 00:19:39.279
Never.
00:19:39.519 --> 00:19:40.640
Oh, that sounds so fun.
00:19:40.720 --> 00:19:41.359
Let's do it.
00:19:41.599 --> 00:19:44.720
I retired to be a podcaster.
00:19:45.039 --> 00:19:49.519
Yay, but I wanna, I wanna, I want to experiment creatively.
00:19:49.680 --> 00:19:52.799
I know that OnlyFans people are just like, where's the nudes?
00:19:52.960 --> 00:19:54.880
I will be experimenting creatively.
00:19:55.039 --> 00:19:56.000
Where's the nudes?
00:19:56.160 --> 00:19:58.000
And doing really beautiful stuff.
00:19:58.079 --> 00:19:58.960
Where are the nudes?
00:19:59.119 --> 00:20:03.680
Edgy material stuff that might be controversial on YouTube, but where are the nudes?
00:20:03.759 --> 00:20:06.880
I'm gonna be doing amazing things and really bearing my soul.
00:20:06.960 --> 00:20:07.920
Where are the nudes?
00:20:08.000 --> 00:20:09.119
And I'm excited.
00:20:09.759 --> 00:20:12.079
Where are the nudes?
00:20:14.799 --> 00:20:16.799
So please follow me there.
00:20:17.119 --> 00:20:18.480
Esther for you.
00:20:18.640 --> 00:20:19.839
Build us a pool.
00:20:20.079 --> 00:20:24.160
Um, there is news in Vegas, right before the news story.
00:20:24.400 --> 00:20:27.920
One personal thing is I haven't smoked weed in like two months, which is huge.
00:20:28.079 --> 00:20:31.920
Then he brought home a jar of homegrown weed from a friend's.
00:20:32.319 --> 00:20:43.680
Well, there was there was a father on our son's flag football team, one of the other dads that I bonded with over the weeks of practice, who on the last game was like, Hey, do you have a secure pocket?
00:20:43.839 --> 00:20:44.559
I was like, Why?
00:20:44.720 --> 00:20:48.400
And he's like, and he just like handed me a jar of weed that he grew in his house.
00:20:48.559 --> 00:20:49.759
And I was like, You're a cool dude.
00:20:49.839 --> 00:20:50.240
I like you.
00:20:50.480 --> 00:20:51.839
So I'm trying to stop weed.
00:20:51.920 --> 00:20:59.119
He's hasn't smoked in a while, but I am like really, really on track to not buying and not smoking weed.
00:20:59.279 --> 00:21:07.359
This jar comes into our house and I broke my weed sobriety, smoked a bowl, and I was like, I just had to try it out because he grew it.
00:21:07.440 --> 00:21:08.799
And so I made all these excuses.
00:21:08.960 --> 00:21:17.440
This guy grew it, and I uh, anyways, I did smoke it, and then I smoked it the night after, and then I kind of wanted it the next day, and I was like, you need to get rid of it.
00:21:17.680 --> 00:21:18.960
This is like a bag of potato chips.
00:21:19.200 --> 00:21:21.519
I took the jar and I put it in your mother's house.
00:21:21.599 --> 00:21:28.400
And when she comes back to Vegas, she will smoke it because your mom is awesome, but also so annoying when she's high.
00:21:28.480 --> 00:21:31.359
So But I said to my therapist, Oh my gosh, look at me.
00:21:31.440 --> 00:21:32.720
I have no self-control.
00:21:32.960 --> 00:21:36.480
And she, as a great therapist, was like, actually, you do have self-control.
00:21:36.880 --> 00:21:38.400
You stopped smoking weed.
00:21:38.640 --> 00:21:44.720
And now it came into your life, and you said to the husband, get it away, you're the husband, get it away.
00:21:45.119 --> 00:21:45.920
I am the husband.
00:21:46.079 --> 00:21:47.839
And I was like, That is self control.
00:21:48.160 --> 00:21:55.839
But it I maybe weed is like a bag of gross potato chips or something where someone's like, if it's in the house, it's gonna get smoked.
00:21:56.079 --> 00:21:59.759
I needed, I when that jar was like looking at me, just like bang.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:01.759
Begging, begging to be smoked.
00:22:01.839 --> 00:22:03.759
And now it's out of sight, out of mind.
00:22:03.839 --> 00:22:04.480
There you go.
00:22:04.880 --> 00:22:07.119
For the same reason I can't have ice cream in the freezer.
00:22:07.519 --> 00:22:08.960
There's no ice cream in the freezer.
00:22:09.119 --> 00:22:09.759
It's gone.
00:22:10.160 --> 00:22:11.359
It's gone get eaten.
00:22:11.519 --> 00:22:11.759
Yeah.
00:22:11.920 --> 00:22:13.039
Alright, so what's the news story?
00:22:13.200 --> 00:22:14.559
Oh, this is a big news story.
00:22:14.799 --> 00:22:16.880
Magic Johnson heard of him?
00:22:17.599 --> 00:22:18.400
I ha yes.
00:22:18.720 --> 00:22:29.279
Governor Lombardo discussed the potential for an NBA team in Vegas as an expansion meeting.
00:22:29.680 --> 00:22:31.839
Did you pull this news story just for me?
00:22:32.160 --> 00:22:33.519
No, this was the news story.
00:22:33.680 --> 00:22:36.480
So I get I follow all these things on Instagram and I screenshot whatever.
00:22:36.880 --> 00:22:38.079
Who's Governor Lombardo?
00:22:38.160 --> 00:22:39.359
Is that Nevada's governor?
00:22:39.599 --> 00:22:39.920
I think.
00:22:40.400 --> 00:22:45.039
Okay, I didn't know that, but that's like the worst kept secret in all the sports.
00:22:45.119 --> 00:22:47.119
Everyone knows the NBA is expanding with two teams.
00:22:47.200 --> 00:22:49.279
Seattle's getting one, and Las Vegas is getting one.
00:22:49.359 --> 00:22:51.200
That's Are you sure?
00:22:51.599 --> 00:22:53.279
I would bet my life on it.
00:22:53.440 --> 00:22:55.200
That is such a Vegas thing.
00:22:55.599 --> 00:22:55.759
Yes.
00:22:56.400 --> 00:22:57.440
Isn't that Vegas news?
00:22:57.680 --> 00:23:00.559
Because we may or may not, but probably will be getting an NBA team.
00:23:01.039 --> 00:23:02.480
Definitely not this week in Vegas.
00:23:02.559 --> 00:23:03.920
That's been going on for like a year.
00:23:04.319 --> 00:23:06.799
It's going to be happening for the next year.
00:23:07.039 --> 00:23:16.480
But I will tell you with full confidence, whenever in the future the NBA announces that they're expanding with two new teams, those teams will be going to Seattle and Las Vegas.
00:23:16.640 --> 00:23:17.039
Yeah.
00:23:17.359 --> 00:23:23.119
Which likely means that Memphis and New Orleans will be moving over to the Eastern Conference, which will realign the conferences a little bit.
00:23:23.200 --> 00:23:24.720
And now I've already lost you.
00:23:25.039 --> 00:23:31.039
Okay, but can we try to predict the name and the colors of the NBA team?
00:23:31.680 --> 00:23:32.160
That's good.
00:23:32.559 --> 00:23:35.680
The NBA, so the Aces is the WNBA team.
00:23:36.559 --> 00:23:37.200
Fantastic name.
00:23:37.359 --> 00:23:38.480
I think they already took it.
00:23:38.960 --> 00:23:39.279
Women.
00:23:39.680 --> 00:23:41.759
The hockey team is the Golden Knights.
00:23:41.920 --> 00:23:45.039
The lacrosse team, I believe, is the Desert Dogs.
00:23:46.160 --> 00:23:47.920
I feel like the double downs, the house.
00:23:48.160 --> 00:23:50.480
And then the Raiders came as the Raiders.
00:23:50.559 --> 00:23:53.039
It's definitely not going to be the Las Vegas double downs.
00:23:53.200 --> 00:23:55.920
It probably is going to be something gambling related.
00:23:56.000 --> 00:23:58.319
I hope they don't go like native animals.
00:23:58.400 --> 00:24:00.799
I don't want to go like the Las Vegas scorpions.
00:24:01.440 --> 00:24:02.160
Coyote.
00:24:02.960 --> 00:24:03.359
Yeah.
00:24:03.680 --> 00:24:04.319
Broaches.
00:24:04.720 --> 00:24:06.319
Maybe they could do the Las Vegas palms.
00:24:06.720 --> 00:24:08.640
What about the Las Vegas grifters?
00:24:09.839 --> 00:24:10.079
Yeah.
00:24:10.400 --> 00:24:11.680
The Las Vegas degenerates.
00:24:11.839 --> 00:24:12.319
The Las Vegas.
00:24:12.720 --> 00:24:15.359
Las Vegas underground CD creepos.
00:24:15.759 --> 00:24:18.799
The Las Vegas lost my house last night on a bad beat.
00:24:19.359 --> 00:24:20.880
Las Vegas hangovers?
00:24:21.119 --> 00:24:21.599
That'd be good.
00:24:22.240 --> 00:24:24.720
And then the mascot is just some bro puking.
00:24:24.960 --> 00:24:25.200
Yes.
00:24:26.240 --> 00:24:31.359
Some guy with a headache walking around and like the asterisk and pound sign just coming out of his head.
00:24:31.440 --> 00:24:31.920
That'd be good.
00:24:32.400 --> 00:24:33.839
Sunburnt tourist.
00:24:34.160 --> 00:24:37.759
The Las Vegas sunburns is good, but it's too much like the Phoenix Suns.
00:24:38.000 --> 00:24:41.759
I do think the colors will probably be like white, black, and gold.
00:24:42.000 --> 00:24:43.200
I feel like I'm waiting.
00:24:43.359 --> 00:24:44.799
What about the flamingo?
00:24:45.359 --> 00:24:48.240
Las Vegas Flamingos doesn't make any sense.
00:24:48.400 --> 00:24:48.880
No, not at all.
00:24:48.960 --> 00:24:50.319
There's just a hotel called a flamingo.
00:24:50.400 --> 00:24:53.839
Flamingos are like there's also a street called a flamingo.
00:24:53.920 --> 00:24:56.079
I mean, Vegas will take their casino.
00:24:56.160 --> 00:25:00.079
They're like, yeah, we we gamble here and there, but like it's a street name.
00:25:00.400 --> 00:25:01.920
You set up an email for this, right?
00:25:02.160 --> 00:25:02.640
Yeah.
00:25:02.960 --> 00:25:04.240
So you know what?
00:25:04.319 --> 00:25:06.319
We're probably gonna be the Las Vegas Deserts.
00:25:06.559 --> 00:25:07.200
I hate that.
00:25:07.359 --> 00:25:08.960
Yeah, it's bad, but that's probably what we're gonna be.
00:25:09.039 --> 00:25:10.400
Anyway, what's the email?
00:25:11.039 --> 00:25:15.839
Um, the email is againsthiswillpod at gmail.com.
00:25:16.079 --> 00:25:26.480
If you're watching or listening, email againsthiswillpod at gmail.com with your best guesses of what the Las Vegas NBA team yet to come in the future will be.
00:25:26.640 --> 00:25:27.279
What their name will be.
00:25:28.000 --> 00:25:33.920
I like pink as a color, and I feel like a lot of NBA and NFL no one has pink.
00:25:34.079 --> 00:25:36.640
Oh, the bangles, I will say, shout out to the bangles.
00:25:36.720 --> 00:25:39.680
They do have animal print, which is so exciting.
00:25:39.759 --> 00:25:45.759
And I kind of wish I was I'm not a Bangle fan, but I would want to be in like a full bangle outfit.
00:25:46.000 --> 00:25:47.200
Nothing's stopping you.
00:25:47.680 --> 00:25:49.359
So check Esther for you.
00:25:49.599 --> 00:25:56.079
She will be in full bangles, skin tight onesie telling shitty jokes by the pool.
00:25:56.640 --> 00:25:59.680
No, good jokes, and singing horribly.
00:26:00.319 --> 00:26:00.799
There we go.
00:26:01.039 --> 00:26:02.160
We're the nudes.
00:26:02.400 --> 00:26:04.000
Good jokes, bad guitar.
00:26:04.720 --> 00:26:05.119
We're the nudes.
00:26:06.960 --> 00:26:07.920
We're the nudes.
00:26:08.160 --> 00:26:08.640
Yeah.
00:26:08.799 --> 00:26:10.400
Um, whimsical creative girl.
00:26:10.640 --> 00:26:12.640
Okay, do you have a better Las Vegas news story?
00:26:12.720 --> 00:26:14.720
Because I feel like that wasn't this week in Vegas.
00:26:14.880 --> 00:26:17.920
I finally gave you the segment you wanted and you dropped the ball.
00:26:18.480 --> 00:26:30.559
I go to this dinner and I meet lots of people, and I don't know what it is about me, but everyone just unloads their deepest, darkest secrets, and randomly some guy is telling me that I said, I'm a comedian.
00:26:30.799 --> 00:26:32.960
Sorry, I don't have a normal job.
00:26:33.519 --> 00:26:36.720
He's like, Oh right, I saw you the other day.
00:26:36.960 --> 00:26:45.359
Then he told me that he used to hang out with Drew Carey because his friend or something was dating him.
00:26:45.599 --> 00:26:45.920
Great.
00:26:46.319 --> 00:26:47.599
Was his friend a porn star?
00:26:47.680 --> 00:26:50.720
Because I think Drew Carey like famously dates porn stars now.
00:26:50.960 --> 00:26:51.599
I don't really know.
00:26:51.759 --> 00:26:52.000
Okay.
00:26:52.240 --> 00:27:00.400
But he said that Drew Carey was seriously into EDM and a um the electric daisy festival.
00:27:00.480 --> 00:27:03.759
And he's like, Yeah, so Drew Carey was like, you're coming with me.
00:27:03.920 --> 00:27:06.799
And we went to the electric daisy festival.
00:27:06.960 --> 00:27:21.039
I I of all the things I would assume about Drew Carey, I just like the idea of like him and a Jeep Wrangler with like fuzzy ears and like a porn star with like glittery titties and being like, good for Drew.
00:27:21.200 --> 00:27:30.640
If you do a network sitcom for that many years, parlay that in a price is right to become a multi-multimillionaire, go live your life, put on the fuzzy ears, listen to EDM and bang a porn star in Vegas.
00:27:30.799 --> 00:27:31.839
Drew Carey's doing it right.
00:27:32.000 --> 00:27:37.200
I mean, maybe, but like man made it out of Cleveland to start partying at EDM festivals in Vegas.
00:27:37.279 --> 00:27:39.920
Good for I now have that on my bucket list.
00:27:40.000 --> 00:27:47.440
There's a there is like a Vegas bucket list where I'm like, yes, I wanna like, I I wanna like one night get drunk with carrot top.
00:27:47.599 --> 00:27:52.720
I want to obviously now go to an EDM concert with Drew Carey.
00:27:53.200 --> 00:27:56.079
We do know where Carrot Top frequents for lunch.
00:27:56.160 --> 00:28:03.920
I'm not gonna give out the location, but it's like another poorly kept secret amongst Summerlin where Carrot Top goes to one location several times a week for lunch.
00:28:04.079 --> 00:28:11.599
So if if you really, really want to get drunk with Carrot Top one day, I feel like you can make that happen before you could go to EDM festivals with Drew Carrey.
00:28:14.799 --> 00:28:16.319
Shout out Mark Cohen, the legend.
00:28:16.480 --> 00:28:19.440
The legend who you can find at the Rio every single day.
00:28:19.839 --> 00:28:22.640
Seven nights a week, 365 nights a year.
00:28:22.799 --> 00:28:25.440
Um, what other what other I have?
00:28:26.160 --> 00:28:28.480
Um We've been at it for a while.
00:28:28.559 --> 00:28:29.920
We can go to Jokeyard.
00:28:30.319 --> 00:28:30.799
Yeah.
00:28:31.119 --> 00:28:33.440
Oh, just Zero Bond opened, and that's huge.
00:28:33.519 --> 00:28:34.960
The opening night was March 10th.
00:28:35.039 --> 00:28:39.200
It is a members-only club, and it's the first really members-only club in Las Vegas.
00:28:39.359 --> 00:28:42.079
It's at the win, it's very chic, very sexy.
00:28:42.240 --> 00:28:44.720
I will be producing and running a comedy show there.
00:28:44.799 --> 00:28:47.440
The first one's April 15th in the Little Disco.
00:28:47.599 --> 00:28:48.240
Now here it is.
00:28:48.480 --> 00:28:52.400
And you very smartly finagled your way into a membership for your hosting services.
00:28:53.039 --> 00:28:56.079
They were not trying to let you in, but you were like, I want a membership.
00:28:56.319 --> 00:28:57.759
And now I get to go as your guest.
00:28:57.920 --> 00:28:59.599
Yes, my plus one over here.
00:28:59.680 --> 00:29:13.039
And you're gonna be performing, and Michael Yo is also gonna be performing on the very first show, and possibly every single show will be the three people lineup of Esther Steinberg, Noah Garden Swords, and Michael Yo, who is our Vegas buddy.
00:29:13.119 --> 00:29:16.000
There's not so so many, and he's one of them.
00:29:16.160 --> 00:29:19.039
Um, uh in terms of comedians who live here.
00:29:19.200 --> 00:29:20.079
Let me keep you in line.
00:29:20.160 --> 00:29:20.880
What's the point?
00:29:20.960 --> 00:29:33.039
What are you trying to say about so the big grand opening happened, and a lot of like big O my OMG celebs came to Las Vegas to celebrate the opening of Zero Bond, Jeff Ross.
00:29:33.839 --> 00:29:34.240
Hilarious.
00:29:34.559 --> 00:29:35.119
That's what you're saying.
00:29:35.359 --> 00:29:41.839
LeBron James, John Hamm, John Stamos, Gwyneth Paltro, Gwenneth, Tom Brady.
00:29:42.079 --> 00:29:43.839
These were all people we saw in photos.
00:29:43.920 --> 00:29:46.960
And what's funny is we were at the grand opening before that.
00:29:47.039 --> 00:29:52.720
So it's like last Wednesday they did a friends and family of like, hey, come see it before it opens to the public.
00:29:52.799 --> 00:30:04.720
And so we felt so hot and so cool for getting to go to this members-only secret grand opening only to find out the next weekend is when they had the real secret grand opening where the where the actual celebrities and A-listers came.
00:30:04.880 --> 00:30:09.119
And we were on a comedians who finagled their way in were not allowed.
00:30:09.279 --> 00:30:13.759
But anyway, very excited to be your guest every once in a while at Zero Bomb.
00:30:14.000 --> 00:30:16.319
And now the question is are people gonna mimic this?
00:30:16.480 --> 00:30:18.880
Are there gonna be more and more members only clubs?
00:30:19.039 --> 00:30:22.640
I already know Circus Circus is planning on doing kind of a members only.
00:30:24.079 --> 00:30:25.119
No, that's a sting.
00:30:25.200 --> 00:30:26.559
That's called to catch a predator.
00:30:27.359 --> 00:30:30.640
Anyone who joins a members only club is circus circus is on some kind of list.
00:30:30.799 --> 00:30:41.519
I would love the strat to do members only, and they're like, sorry, you're gonna have to show us your like um hole where you have to cover in order to hello, I'm here for the strat members only.
00:30:42.079 --> 00:30:43.599
All right, we're cutting this.
00:30:44.000 --> 00:30:47.599
Go to now it's time for jokeyard.
00:30:48.160 --> 00:30:48.400
Okay.
00:30:48.640 --> 00:30:52.000
You said you had so many last week, so okay.
00:30:52.079 --> 00:30:55.039
So this is an old joke of mine that I would love.
00:30:55.279 --> 00:30:57.839
I don't, I've never done it on anywhere.
00:30:58.079 --> 00:30:58.400
Okay.
00:30:58.880 --> 00:31:10.960
It's it's basically I used to hang out at the comedy store a lot, and what I noticed is there would be like girls like porn stars with big titties and like little chihuahuas, and they were classic combo.
00:31:11.119 --> 00:31:18.000
They were seriously waiting for male comics, and they'd be like, Oh, I can't wait, Chris Dia, I can't wait to see.
00:31:18.160 --> 00:31:27.599
And they would be waiting for male comedians all glittered up, boiled up, ready to go, and there's a name for these women, and they're called Chucklefuckers.
00:31:28.079 --> 00:31:28.720
Chucklefuckers.
00:31:29.680 --> 00:31:34.079
And I was like, okay, if we're gonna do chuckle fuckers, where are the men?
00:31:34.240 --> 00:31:46.640
What I'm trying to see is a bunch of like big, bulgy, muscle men, maybe like Guido with gelled up hair, and they're like, they've got like a bulldog, and they're like, yo, I'm here for Janine Gorofalo.
00:31:48.000 --> 00:31:50.720
Okay, so what is the joke?
00:31:50.880 --> 00:31:53.759
Just that I'm just gonna be like, so there should be a male equivalent to Chucklefuckers?
00:31:54.160 --> 00:31:57.599
Basically, I want to have the funniest dog.
00:31:57.920 --> 00:31:59.200
I need the funniest dog I've got to be able to do.
00:31:59.920 --> 00:32:01.920
I think Janine Garofalo was the perfect example.
00:32:02.079 --> 00:32:05.839
Janine Garofalo because she's She's truly funny.
00:32:06.000 --> 00:32:08.079
Yeah, she's she's a great comic.
00:32:08.319 --> 00:32:08.720
The legend.
00:32:08.960 --> 00:32:15.920
She's middle-aged, she's on that borderline of I feel like early in her film career she played unattractive characters, but is actually a very pretty woman in real life.
00:32:16.160 --> 00:32:16.319
Yes.
00:32:16.880 --> 00:32:19.759
The Hollywood, she's so ugly, takes her glasses off.
00:32:19.839 --> 00:32:20.720
Oh, supermodel.
00:32:20.880 --> 00:32:23.920
Yeah, and then also Janine Goroffalo is just a funny sounding name.
00:32:24.000 --> 00:32:25.599
So that's you found the perfect name.
00:32:26.559 --> 00:32:28.400
Will the new generation know her?
00:32:28.880 --> 00:32:30.559
No, but that's also what makes it funnier.
00:32:30.720 --> 00:32:31.680
What about a Doberman?
00:32:31.759 --> 00:32:33.680
What's the big dog with like a chain?
00:32:34.079 --> 00:32:39.039
Kane Corso, pit bull, maybe a pit bull with um Rottweiler.
00:32:39.279 --> 00:32:39.599
What's that?
00:32:40.000 --> 00:32:42.480
Maybe big dude with a Rottweiler waiting for Janine Garoffalo.
00:32:42.640 --> 00:32:45.440
But honestly, I think this joke hinges on giving them a funny name.
00:32:45.599 --> 00:32:48.319
They can't be chuckle fuckers, even though they still could.
00:32:48.480 --> 00:32:50.720
You have to be like Moose Knuckle fuckers.
00:32:50.880 --> 00:32:53.680
Like, what's a slutty man?
00:32:54.240 --> 00:32:58.079
The point is You want male groupies for female community.
00:32:58.240 --> 00:33:16.079
And it kind of go hand in hand with like I've always aspired to be really successful and rich and date uh and I mean this is an old joke, it's an old idea of me being successful and rich with a hot guy that's so hot that people point fingers and go, She must be loaded.
00:33:16.400 --> 00:33:21.680
Well, that one thing I love when we do is you never make me dress up when we go out in public.
00:33:22.079 --> 00:33:22.720
I don't want you to be able to do that.
00:33:23.279 --> 00:33:25.759
You love to look gorgeous, and I love to wear sweatpants and sometimes.
00:33:26.079 --> 00:33:27.839
Kayleigh Bieber, Justin Bieber.
00:33:28.079 --> 00:33:36.400
And sometimes when I am wearing sweatpants and you're all dolled up, and I'll be like, Can I go like this?
00:33:36.559 --> 00:33:37.920
You go, Yeah, you look rich.
00:33:38.160 --> 00:33:39.039
Yes, yes.
00:33:39.599 --> 00:33:44.720
The worse dressed you are as a man with a hot, well-dressed woman, the richer you look.
00:33:44.880 --> 00:33:50.720
So I love the fact that you let me look like a schlub, and to you, it just means that to the general public, I look very wealthy.
00:33:50.960 --> 00:33:51.200
Yes.
00:33:51.359 --> 00:34:00.480
Well, there is poor, there is rich, and then there is extremely rich, which is always hoodie, Hondas, they're low-key.
00:34:00.640 --> 00:34:04.240
The middle is the most gross, poor is almost cool.
00:34:04.319 --> 00:34:08.400
I mean, that's pretty badass, and and you know, they're they're working on the hustle.
00:34:08.639 --> 00:34:13.920
The rich is disgusting, covered in designer, everything, everything, everything.
00:34:14.239 --> 00:34:16.159
Ostentatious rich, like flaunty wealth.
00:34:16.559 --> 00:34:17.360
Flaunty wealth.
00:34:17.519 --> 00:34:22.159
So you think by wearing sweatpants while you're dressed up, I've crossed over into looking super rich.
00:34:22.400 --> 00:34:23.119
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:34:23.840 --> 00:34:25.519
That's a good Halloween costume, too.
00:34:25.599 --> 00:34:26.719
The super rich couple.
00:34:26.880 --> 00:34:27.119
Yeah.
00:34:27.280 --> 00:34:28.159
Yeah, okay.
00:34:28.480 --> 00:34:31.679
This is one that I never did.
00:34:31.760 --> 00:34:46.880
So I when I was going back through like old notes and j and notebooks, I found a bunch of jokes I wrote years ago that would have been like funny tweets that I never did on stage either because they didn't make it into the act I was doing at the time, or for instance, this joke that I found.
00:34:47.039 --> 00:34:48.960
I don't think I've ever done this on stage.
00:34:49.119 --> 00:34:53.679
I do think it's a funny joke, but it no longer would make sense in my act.
00:34:53.840 --> 00:35:00.400
So I'm gonna I'm gonna say it, then you can tell me if it's worth resurrecting or repurposing in some way.
00:35:00.880 --> 00:35:09.920
Said, I do anal sex the way a club DJ plays don't stop believing by journey, begrudgingly and only when requested by a drunk white woman.
00:35:12.320 --> 00:35:18.079
That would there are a few jokes that are funny for the audience and not funny for your wife.
00:35:18.800 --> 00:35:23.440
Well, yeah, I mean, that's obviously a joke that I wrote when I was single.
00:35:23.920 --> 00:35:26.960
That was I'd say sell it to a dirtbag comic.
00:35:27.280 --> 00:35:28.000
Sell it to a dirt.
00:35:28.480 --> 00:35:38.559
Okay, so so your joke yard is is uh just who who find someone whose act would be great for a kind of funny anal sex tweet.
00:35:38.800 --> 00:35:44.880
Find an LA comic who's doing crowd work because he thinks he's a genius, but the truth is he doesn't know how to write a joke.
00:35:45.039 --> 00:35:46.079
Sell him that joke.
00:35:46.400 --> 00:35:51.760
And then that guy will go off stage and meet his porn star holding a chihuahua and melt right off into the sunset.
00:35:52.400 --> 00:35:53.679
Hey you, Crystalina?
00:35:54.960 --> 00:36:01.679
Um, but yeah, no, I I yeah, uh I I think that's a tough one.
00:36:02.639 --> 00:36:07.440
Just because you I I loved watching you actively hate an old joke of mine in real time.
00:36:07.920 --> 00:36:13.119
Um I we have I wanted to bring this up from the jokeyard.
00:36:13.199 --> 00:36:14.320
We have fantastic.
00:36:14.719 --> 00:36:18.960
One there is we have one bit that we've done together.
00:36:19.199 --> 00:36:21.119
It Grupo de Schlepo?
00:36:21.360 --> 00:36:21.840
Yes.
00:36:22.079 --> 00:36:26.639
So it's never it never came to fruition, really.
00:36:26.880 --> 00:36:28.400
It had a slight moment.
00:36:28.480 --> 00:36:30.400
We did it in Aspen and then it died.
00:36:30.719 --> 00:36:34.639
I don't even know if Buka de Bepo is a national chain, but for it definitely is.
00:36:34.800 --> 00:36:37.119
Okay, so Buka de Bepo, the Italian restaurant.
00:36:37.519 --> 00:36:39.119
No one has jokes about this place.
00:36:39.280 --> 00:36:41.119
So let's be the comics.
00:36:42.159 --> 00:36:44.800
Well, let's let's hang our hat on Buka de Beppo.
00:36:45.119 --> 00:36:46.480
We had This is our hot pop.
00:36:47.199 --> 00:36:48.000
Here's the thing, though.
00:36:48.159 --> 00:36:53.760
As comedians, when you date or marry another comedian, obviously you fuck around, you joke around constantly.
00:36:53.920 --> 00:37:00.159
Esther and I have so many bits that we do as a couple in the house that were never intended to be stage jokes.
00:37:00.559 --> 00:37:09.679
And in my mind, Buka de Schlepo was one of those where it's funny to us and was never supposed to be formulated into like a joke for the masses.
00:37:09.920 --> 00:37:14.880
The joke being Buca de Bepo is family-style Italian food.
00:37:15.119 --> 00:37:22.320
And we went to a gross birthday dinner at Buka de Bepo, and we started, we we ran this like fun bit.
00:37:22.480 --> 00:37:38.239
We were talking about how Buka de Bepo should start getting parties to come by advertising as by advertising as Buka de Schlepo, where they'll send like an airport sprinter van to come pick you and your group up from the business conference that you're all in town for.
00:37:38.719 --> 00:37:40.880
From any courtyard Marriott.
00:37:41.199 --> 00:37:41.920
Yeah, we start doing it.
00:37:42.079 --> 00:37:42.639
We will pick you up.
00:37:42.960 --> 00:37:44.719
Do you want sheet cake for 40?
00:37:44.960 --> 00:37:47.199
All right, then meet us at Courtyard Marriott.
00:37:47.280 --> 00:37:49.039
We'll send the van Buka de Schlepo.
00:37:49.280 --> 00:37:53.679
Buka de Schlepo will take you directly to Buka de Pepo for groups.
00:37:53.920 --> 00:37:55.599
When you're here, you're a group.
00:37:55.840 --> 00:37:57.039
Puka de Schlepo.
00:37:57.360 --> 00:37:58.559
And that's that's the bit.
00:37:59.039 --> 00:38:00.719
I mean, maybe if you're watching, well, sure.
00:38:01.360 --> 00:38:03.039
You said we could do a group poop.
00:38:03.360 --> 00:38:03.679
Yes.
00:38:03.920 --> 00:38:05.440
They all hold hands in the stall.
00:38:05.519 --> 00:38:07.280
Yes, we got very ridiculous with it.
00:38:07.440 --> 00:38:09.920
They cut out, they cut out holes in the store walls.
00:38:10.079 --> 00:38:13.199
Group poop after you group sheet cake and booka de schlepo.
00:38:13.440 --> 00:38:14.719
Come the group of the schleppo.
00:38:15.119 --> 00:38:18.159
Again, maybe people watching or listening are catching a nice chuckle.
00:38:18.239 --> 00:38:19.360
Maybe they think this is awful.
00:38:19.440 --> 00:38:25.280
But either way, even the people catching a chuckle, I think, believe this joke never deserves the light of day.
00:38:26.079 --> 00:38:26.400
No, no, no.
00:38:26.480 --> 00:38:27.039
This is a boomer.
00:38:27.119 --> 00:38:35.440
A boomer watching it is going like, you should tell Lauren Michaels and get the sh that shtick on the chanel.
00:38:36.960 --> 00:38:37.519
Perfect.
00:38:37.599 --> 00:38:38.800
How's your career going?
00:38:39.199 --> 00:38:40.960
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:38:41.840 --> 00:38:44.079
Eat Buka de Bepo in moderation.
00:38:44.239 --> 00:38:44.719
Where are the books?
00:38:45.039 --> 00:38:46.239
Heart, heart, heart.
00:38:47.119 --> 00:38:47.360
Bye.
00:38:47.840 --> 00:38:48.320
No, wait.
00:38:48.400 --> 00:38:49.280
We have to where are you?
00:38:49.440 --> 00:38:50.559
Where can people see you?
00:38:50.960 --> 00:38:52.159
Same place as last time.
00:38:52.480 --> 00:38:53.519
April 13th.
00:38:53.920 --> 00:38:54.400
Where are they?
00:38:54.639 --> 00:38:56.400
I want you to stay on camera.
00:38:58.800 --> 00:38:59.679
April 13th.
00:38:59.760 --> 00:39:02.159
I'm at DC Comedy Loft in Washington, D.C.
00:39:02.320 --> 00:39:02.960
April 14th.
00:39:03.039 --> 00:39:10.800
I'm headlining Wise Guys in Town Square, Las Vegas, April 23rd, shooting my special in Denver, Colorado at the Elaine Wolf Theater.
00:39:11.360 --> 00:39:16.079
I will be shooting a special for the tech company OnlyFans on March 17th.
00:39:16.239 --> 00:39:18.639
I love that you are really trying to make Fetch happen.
00:39:19.360 --> 00:39:21.199
You're really trying to make OnlyFans a tech company.
00:39:21.440 --> 00:39:25.039
The new comedy place to be comedy.
00:39:25.280 --> 00:39:27.679
I'm also gonna be on tour.
00:39:28.320 --> 00:39:30.639
March 17th in Austin, Texas.
00:39:30.880 --> 00:39:34.800
April 15th at The Wynn, if you're a member only for Zero Bond.
00:39:35.039 --> 00:39:37.599
April 16th, Gainesville, Florida.
00:39:37.920 --> 00:39:38.079
St.
00:39:38.239 --> 00:39:44.079
Augustine, April 17th, April 18th, West Palm Beach, Florida, and some Miami people.
00:39:44.159 --> 00:39:44.960
You can come to that.
00:39:45.039 --> 00:39:46.639
And April 19th in St.
00:39:46.800 --> 00:39:47.920
Pete, Florida.
00:39:48.159 --> 00:39:49.199
Very exciting.
00:39:49.519 --> 00:39:50.880
The Palm Queen over here.
00:39:50.960 --> 00:39:51.280
All right.
00:39:51.519 --> 00:39:54.239
Yes, I will be back in Florida.
00:39:55.039 --> 00:39:58.639
Follow us at Against His Will on Instagram.
00:39:58.800 --> 00:40:01.440
Subscribe at Against His Will on YouTube.
00:40:01.920 --> 00:40:06.880
Follow her and pay for our future pool at Esther4U on OnlyFans.
00:40:07.199 --> 00:40:08.880
And uh keep on checking in.
00:40:09.039 --> 00:40:09.840
Thank you.
