[Bright staccato synth music.]
[ADAM]
Hello, my name is Adam Grant Warren. I'm a playwright, an actor, and the Co-Artistic Director of Realwheels Theatre.
[NATASHA]
And I'm Natasha Nadir. I'm a director, a dramaturg, and a playwright.
[ADAM]
For those of you who are new to Realwheels, we're a disability-led company based in Vancouver, Canada. Our work in theatre and performance creation explores the fullness and complexity of disability experience, identity, and community.
[NATASHA]
It's been our absolute pleasure to spend the last 10 weeks from September to December of 2024 with an incredible group of 10 emerging playwrights who identify with disability.
Each week, we dug into ideas of character, story structure, and even creative process to bring excerpts of some really exciting plays in progress, from the minds of these writers to your ears.
[ADAM]
Our Playwriting Circles have been around for a while, but this year we thought we tried something new. For the first time in our history, we're sharing this work in podcast form, featuring original music and sound design by the award-winning duo Finka Wood.
[NATASHA]
With one excerpt per episode, you'll also hear the playwrights in conversation with us. We'll talk a little bit about what drew them to write their play and why the work feels important to them.
[NATASHA]
Without further ado,
[ADAM]
Welcome to Waveforms.
[Music fades out.]
[NATASHA]
This week, I'm talking to Mitch in Winnipeg, where he is an integral part of the theater community, about his play, Captain Ted: Disabled Astronaut.
Captain Ted: Disabled Astronaut is a sequel to a play you wrote and produced for the Winnipeg Fringe last year. Like the first play, this new play features a variety of characters that live with various disabilities who have to find a way to work together on a mission.
Can you tell me a little bit about the experience of the prequel, what it was like putting this show on at the Fringe?
[MITCH]
Yeah, it was a great experience. We had lots of positive feedback from audience members, and there's some people asking us to take it on tour. I just found that it was really impactful for numerous people within the disabled community. And I was blown away how important it got within my life and within the cast and crew's life, and probably ended up being one of the best theatre experiences that I've ever had.
[Computer beeps.]
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
Bridge of a starship. The crew are sitting at their stations. Pipp is standing by the entrance acting as the bridge door. The Captain enters.
[Pipp and Foley making door opening and closing sounds with their mouths.]
[CAPTAIN TED]
Okay... Who are you people?
[FOLEY]
I'm Foley, and that's Pipp. We are your special effects crew. What's a space adventure without special effects? I was expecting some big budget studio gig, but instead I got amateur theater.
[PIPP]
I'm just happy to be here. Oh, hi, Abby!
[ABBY]
We know each other from our Academy days. This is our first mission together, but she has beamed me more than once.
[PIPP]
Yeah, I did. And I look forward to beaming you all.
[FOLEY]
You're insufferable.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Chatters, any word from the fleet command?
[Computer beeping increases.]
[CHATTERS]
On screen now.
[Static crackles.]
[COMMANDER]
Ah, captain!
[CAPTAIN TED]
Greetings, Commander. My crew are assembled and ready. What is our assignment?
[COMMANDER]
Diplomatic contact. Recently, this species has emerged from isolation and would be a very strong addition for the Allied Coalition of Planets.
However, since they have been to Earth before, this is technically the second official contact.
[CHATTERS]
Second contact?
[TWO]
The first contact was in the 1950s, so essentially it's like the first contact.
[SCALES]
But the second is never better than the first.
[ABBY]
The dreaded curse of the sequel.
[ALL]
Yeah.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Who are we meeting?
[COMMANDER]
The species designated Eye-horns.
[CHATTERS]
Love them! Did you know they have wings?
[DOCTOR]
They fly? Wow! They are hard to understand though. It's just a lot of horn-honking!
[FOLEY]
That honking we now know is communication.
[CAPTAIN TED]
How do we know that?
[CHATTERS]
That would be me.
[COMMANDER]
Lieutenant Commander Terriham is very qualified and translated it for us.
[CHATTERS]
I'm good with languages.
[ABBY]
Language? How? It's just honks and beeps.
[CHATTERS]
Don't let the cerebral palsy fool you. I'm smart, very smart.
[COMMANDER]
Smartest in the entire ACP.
[CAPTAIN TED]
But communications, I wouldn't think that would be the best post for you?
[CHATTERS]
I saw this Comms assignment and knew I had to be on this ship. I speak a little differently, but as a communications officer, I press the buttons and you do the talking.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Admiral, I thought we didn't have contact with the Eye-horns because they are mortal enemies of our allies, the Aubergines, on the account that they hunt and eat the Aubergines.
[ABBY]
They're cannibals?
[TWO]
What's fascinating is since the Eye-horns eat purple people, everybody assumes the eyehorns are also purple. Not the case. Still... cannibals.
[CAPTAIN TED]
They are purple people eaters.
[COMMANDER]
That was the case until the whole planet went vegetarian.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Good for them.
[DOCTOR]
Healthy choice.
[SCALES]
Not for me. I need blood on my plate.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Should we worry about him?
[COMMANDER]
Anyway, I know this mission is in good hands. Ever since ships sailed the seas, there has been a Captain Ted to lead the charge. I know you will do the ACP proud. Good luck.
[Call ends.]
[NATASHA]
This play is a comedy in which the characters are aware that they're in a play and they break the fourth wall. Can you talk a little bit about that?
[MITCH]
Sure. It's a lot harder to write and put on the paper. It really evolves once you get onto stage and that sort of thing. But for myself, I love bringing the audience into the story as much as I can. So breaking the fourth wall is definitely a way of doing that. And it gives the actor's freedom to interact with the audience. It gives us...freedom to like if something happens, we can... easily cover it. But writing it that way was just more important for me about the overall audience experience.
[Computer beeping resumes.]
[ABBY]
Only the second contact since the 1950s. That is a long time.
[TWO]
Let me get this straight. They have one eye, one horn, fly, and they once ate purple people. So why didn't we reach out earlier?
[CAPTAIN TED]
Due to their feud with the Aubergines, we decided not to pursue any alliance. Thus, it was never a priority.
[CHATTERS]
But there's so much more to the story...
[CAPTAIN TED]
Don't get bogged down with the backstory. For the sake of progressing the play, just go with it.
[TWO]
But we need to know! Ugh. I guess the needs of many had weigh the needs of a few.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Ensign Roads! Set a course to the Eye-horn home world. Warp factor 6.
[ABBY]
Yes, Captain. Course set in.
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
The crew all look to the Captain in anticipation that he is about to say a classic sci-fi captain command.
[CAPTAIN TED]
What?
[ABBY]
Aren't you supposed to say something?
[CAPTAIN TED]
Like what? Just get going.
[ABBY]
We were all expecting you to say something captain-y.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Fine.
Engage.
[ABBY]
Yes, Captain. Classic!
[Rocket engines firing, space theme music]
[CAPTAIN TED]
Captain's log, star date 3791-10. The Unity has been commissioned to pay a visit to the Eye-horn home world. Our presence has been long overdue.
We hope to re-establish communication and rekindle a long-lost potential partnership.
[Engines shut down.]
[ABBY]
Captain, we have arrived.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Great. Prepare the away team. Captain Two, Major Scales, and Ensign Louie, you're with me.
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
Concerned, Louie signs to the captain. ANNE droid provides ASL translation.
[LOUIE/ANNE]
Captain, I can't help noticing I'm the only crew member wearing a red shirt.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Ha ha ha ha, ha. Don't worry about that whole curse of the red shirt. It's a myth. You'll be fine.
[TWO]
Statistically speaking, he's dead meat.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Louie, you're a lowly ensign. Not a highly ranked officer. Nobody will even care that you are there. You're worrying about nothing.
[SCALES]
He should start worrying.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Doctor, you have the comm.
[DOCTOR]
Damn it, Ted. I'm a doctor, not a substitute.
[CAPTAIN TED]
You've got a captain's rank... so captain.
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
The Away Team exit. The Doctor takes their place in the Captain's position. The Doctor awkwardly tries to figure out what to do with themselves in the absence of anywhere to sit.
[CHATTERS]
You okay?
[DOCTOR]
The captain took his chair with him.
[CHATTERS]
Have wheelchair? Will travel. Should I get you a stool?
[NATASHA]
Can you talk about... the concept of this play and your vision?
[MITCH]
Sure. With the first one, the idea was, "Where's the weirdest place you could find a wheelchair user?" And so we ended up on a pirate ship. And the next question that we had is "Could we take him to a different place?"
And we thought, "Where's the next weird place for a wheelchair user to be in?"
Well, surprisingly, it'd be in space as an astronaut.
So took a lot of feedback from a lot of different people and some different ideas. And here we are.
Captain Ted's going to space.
[STAGE DIRECTIONS] Scene 10. Foley and Pipp hold a stick of shiny party streamers in front of the Away Team to simulate a transporter beaming effect as they enter the stage.
[Beaming sound effect]
[CAPTAIN TED]
What the?
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
Noticing they have beamed down into a crater.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Are you kidding me?
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
Captain starts driving their wheelchair around in a circle.
[CAPTAIN TED]
A stupid crater!?
[TWO]
Ensign Roads, you may have beamed us to the wrong coordinates.
[ABBY, over radio]
Those are the coordinates I was given.
[TWO]
We are in a crater. The captain cannot get out.
[ABBY, over radio]
What? Oh, no.
[TWO]
Are you sure about the data?
[ABBY, over radio]
The coordinates were right. I don't make mistakes like that.
[TWO]
Because if you are off by one decimal, POOF.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Two! I know it's hard. But you need to let it go.
[TWO]
Fine.
[ABBY, over radio]
I can beam down an access ramp if that would help?
[CAPTAIN TED]
If only it was that easy in real life.
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
Pipp enters. They have donned an Eye-horn hat. It's a purple helmet adorned with a bike horn and a big eyeball.
Pipp is now acting as the Eye-horn General.
[Eye-horn General laughs.]
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Look at you. That's [HORNING] hilarious.
[CAPTAIN TED]
You planned this.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
You are lucky. We usually fill the crater with [HORN]
It's a joke we use to break the ice.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Not sure I get the joke. I'm Captain Ted from the SS Unity. Allow me to introduce my crew. This is my first officer Two, my security officer Major Scales, Engineer Louie, and ANNE, our ASL protocol droid.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Droid? Since our robot rebellion, we don't welcome their [HORNING] kind here.
[CAPTAIN TED]
I see. But we need ANNE as an ASL translator for Louie. He's deaf.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Deaf?
[CAPTAIN TED]
Louie can't hear.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Oh… [loudly and slowly] You are welcome here, but your droid can't stay.
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
Frustrated, Louie turns to the Captain and signs, ANNE droid provides ASL translation.
[LOUIE/ANNE]
Do they think I'm stupid?
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
And on that note, we're not sure we can deal with the [HORNING] wheeled cyborg.
[CAPTAIN TED]
This? I'm not a cyborg. It's a wheelchair I use it to get around.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Oh, so does that mean you are just [HORNING] lazy? And what's wrong with him?
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
Pointing at Scales.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Scales is a little person. There's nothing wrong with him.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Really?
[SCALES]
What a bunch of idiots. Permission to give them an uppercut!
[CAPTAIN TED]
We both know an uppercut from you will not connect with their chin.
[NATASHA]
You yourself live with a disability, but you do not have or live with the disabilities that many of your characters have. So how do you ensure the representation of these characters is authentic?
[MITCH]
I mean, I know when I write the script, I'm basing it off of my own experience, but I'm also basing it off of experience that I've had with artists with different disabilities. I know I can speak from wheelchair users. So there's a lot of jokes or there's a lot of commentary that I would make from a wheelchair user perspective.
But then after I wrote the play, I took about a year where I contacted different artists who had the disabilities that I had written to clarify the characters, to add some characteristics.
And for example, in Disabled Astronaut, I'm talking to a little person and asking their opinion on some of the language that I've used. So it's really important that the representation of everybody on the stage is there.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Captain, we're glad you finally came to our planet. It's been long enough. So, where is our long-lost scout? Did you bring him with you?
[CAPTAIN TED]
Long lost scout… From the 1950s, after so long, I'm sure he's deceased by now.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Not so. Our species lived for thousands of years.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Well, I'm sorry we didn't bring him with us. After an illustrious music career, he dropped off the face of the planet.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
What? You [HORNING] barbarians!
[CAPTAIN TED]
I'm not quite sure what the problem is.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
We can deal with you being [HORNING] technological abominations, but pushing an innocent life form off your planet...
[CAPTAIN TED]
That's not what we meant, it's just we don't know where he is.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Of course, you [HORNING] don't know where he is! [crying] Oh, I imagine he has been [HORNING] floating in space. Alone... and freezing... all these [HORNING] years.
Have you no shred of mercy? You [cacophony of HORNS]
Perhaps, we should serve out a dish of our own [HORNING] heartlessness.
[TWO]
Who talks like that?
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
Pipp grabs Louie and holds a phaser to his head.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Bring us our scout or the red shirt gets it.
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
Indignant that the red shirt curse is about to happen to them, Louie signs, ANNE droid provides ASL translation.
[LOUIE/ANNE]
Come on.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Scales, fire!
[Phaser gun fires.]
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Oh ho! My horn! My horn!
[CAPTAIN TED]
Abby, beam us out of here.
[Beaming sound effect.]
[Bright staccato synth music.]
[ADAM]
Thanks for listening to Waveforms. For a full list of our cast and crew, check out the episode description.
[NATASHA]
Waveforms was produced by Realwheels Theatre with the cooperation of the Union of BC Performers.
A special thank you to our funders, the Canada Council for the Arts, the Province of British Columbia, the City of Vancouver, and the Hamber Foundation.
[ADAM]
If you like what you heard, please drop us a rating and a review on the podcast platform of your choice. It really helps new listeners to find us.
[NATASHA]
See you next week.
[Music fades out.]
[ADAM]
Hello, my name is Adam Grant Warren. I'm a playwright, an actor, and the Co-Artistic Director of Realwheels Theatre.
[NATASHA]
And I'm Natasha Nadir. I'm a director, a dramaturg, and a playwright.
[ADAM]
For those of you who are new to Realwheels, we're a disability-led company based in Vancouver, Canada. Our work in theatre and performance creation explores the fullness and complexity of disability experience, identity, and community.
[NATASHA]
It's been our absolute pleasure to spend the last 10 weeks from September to December of 2024 with an incredible group of 10 emerging playwrights who identify with disability.
Each week, we dug into ideas of character, story structure, and even creative process to bring excerpts of some really exciting plays in progress, from the minds of these writers to your ears.
[ADAM]
Our Playwriting Circles have been around for a while, but this year we thought we tried something new. For the first time in our history, we're sharing this work in podcast form, featuring original music and sound design by the award-winning duo Finka Wood.
[NATASHA]
With one excerpt per episode, you'll also hear the playwrights in conversation with us. We'll talk a little bit about what drew them to write their play and why the work feels important to them.
[NATASHA]
Without further ado,
[ADAM]
Welcome to Waveforms.
[Music fades out.]
[NATASHA]
This week, I'm talking to Mitch in Winnipeg, where he is an integral part of the theater community, about his play, Captain Ted: Disabled Astronaut.
Captain Ted: Disabled Astronaut is a sequel to a play you wrote and produced for the Winnipeg Fringe last year. Like the first play, this new play features a variety of characters that live with various disabilities who have to find a way to work together on a mission.
Can you tell me a little bit about the experience of the prequel, what it was like putting this show on at the Fringe?
[MITCH]
Yeah, it was a great experience. We had lots of positive feedback from audience members, and there's some people asking us to take it on tour. I just found that it was really impactful for numerous people within the disabled community. And I was blown away how important it got within my life and within the cast and crew's life, and probably ended up being one of the best theatre experiences that I've ever had.
[Computer beeps.]
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
Bridge of a starship. The crew are sitting at their stations. Pipp is standing by the entrance acting as the bridge door. The Captain enters.
[Pipp and Foley making door opening and closing sounds with their mouths.]
[CAPTAIN TED]
Okay... Who are you people?
[FOLEY]
I'm Foley, and that's Pipp. We are your special effects crew. What's a space adventure without special effects? I was expecting some big budget studio gig, but instead I got amateur theater.
[PIPP]
I'm just happy to be here. Oh, hi, Abby!
[ABBY]
We know each other from our Academy days. This is our first mission together, but she has beamed me more than once.
[PIPP]
Yeah, I did. And I look forward to beaming you all.
[FOLEY]
You're insufferable.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Chatters, any word from the fleet command?
[Computer beeping increases.]
[CHATTERS]
On screen now.
[Static crackles.]
[COMMANDER]
Ah, captain!
[CAPTAIN TED]
Greetings, Commander. My crew are assembled and ready. What is our assignment?
[COMMANDER]
Diplomatic contact. Recently, this species has emerged from isolation and would be a very strong addition for the Allied Coalition of Planets.
However, since they have been to Earth before, this is technically the second official contact.
[CHATTERS]
Second contact?
[TWO]
The first contact was in the 1950s, so essentially it's like the first contact.
[SCALES]
But the second is never better than the first.
[ABBY]
The dreaded curse of the sequel.
[ALL]
Yeah.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Who are we meeting?
[COMMANDER]
The species designated Eye-horns.
[CHATTERS]
Love them! Did you know they have wings?
[DOCTOR]
They fly? Wow! They are hard to understand though. It's just a lot of horn-honking!
[FOLEY]
That honking we now know is communication.
[CAPTAIN TED]
How do we know that?
[CHATTERS]
That would be me.
[COMMANDER]
Lieutenant Commander Terriham is very qualified and translated it for us.
[CHATTERS]
I'm good with languages.
[ABBY]
Language? How? It's just honks and beeps.
[CHATTERS]
Don't let the cerebral palsy fool you. I'm smart, very smart.
[COMMANDER]
Smartest in the entire ACP.
[CAPTAIN TED]
But communications, I wouldn't think that would be the best post for you?
[CHATTERS]
I saw this Comms assignment and knew I had to be on this ship. I speak a little differently, but as a communications officer, I press the buttons and you do the talking.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Admiral, I thought we didn't have contact with the Eye-horns because they are mortal enemies of our allies, the Aubergines, on the account that they hunt and eat the Aubergines.
[ABBY]
They're cannibals?
[TWO]
What's fascinating is since the Eye-horns eat purple people, everybody assumes the eyehorns are also purple. Not the case. Still... cannibals.
[CAPTAIN TED]
They are purple people eaters.
[COMMANDER]
That was the case until the whole planet went vegetarian.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Good for them.
[DOCTOR]
Healthy choice.
[SCALES]
Not for me. I need blood on my plate.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Should we worry about him?
[COMMANDER]
Anyway, I know this mission is in good hands. Ever since ships sailed the seas, there has been a Captain Ted to lead the charge. I know you will do the ACP proud. Good luck.
[Call ends.]
[NATASHA]
This play is a comedy in which the characters are aware that they're in a play and they break the fourth wall. Can you talk a little bit about that?
[MITCH]
Sure. It's a lot harder to write and put on the paper. It really evolves once you get onto stage and that sort of thing. But for myself, I love bringing the audience into the story as much as I can. So breaking the fourth wall is definitely a way of doing that. And it gives the actor's freedom to interact with the audience. It gives us...freedom to like if something happens, we can... easily cover it. But writing it that way was just more important for me about the overall audience experience.
[Computer beeping resumes.]
[ABBY]
Only the second contact since the 1950s. That is a long time.
[TWO]
Let me get this straight. They have one eye, one horn, fly, and they once ate purple people. So why didn't we reach out earlier?
[CAPTAIN TED]
Due to their feud with the Aubergines, we decided not to pursue any alliance. Thus, it was never a priority.
[CHATTERS]
But there's so much more to the story...
[CAPTAIN TED]
Don't get bogged down with the backstory. For the sake of progressing the play, just go with it.
[TWO]
But we need to know! Ugh. I guess the needs of many had weigh the needs of a few.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Ensign Roads! Set a course to the Eye-horn home world. Warp factor 6.
[ABBY]
Yes, Captain. Course set in.
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
The crew all look to the Captain in anticipation that he is about to say a classic sci-fi captain command.
[CAPTAIN TED]
What?
[ABBY]
Aren't you supposed to say something?
[CAPTAIN TED]
Like what? Just get going.
[ABBY]
We were all expecting you to say something captain-y.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Fine.
Engage.
[ABBY]
Yes, Captain. Classic!
[Rocket engines firing, space theme music]
[CAPTAIN TED]
Captain's log, star date 3791-10. The Unity has been commissioned to pay a visit to the Eye-horn home world. Our presence has been long overdue.
We hope to re-establish communication and rekindle a long-lost potential partnership.
[Engines shut down.]
[ABBY]
Captain, we have arrived.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Great. Prepare the away team. Captain Two, Major Scales, and Ensign Louie, you're with me.
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
Concerned, Louie signs to the captain. ANNE droid provides ASL translation.
[LOUIE/ANNE]
Captain, I can't help noticing I'm the only crew member wearing a red shirt.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Ha ha ha ha, ha. Don't worry about that whole curse of the red shirt. It's a myth. You'll be fine.
[TWO]
Statistically speaking, he's dead meat.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Louie, you're a lowly ensign. Not a highly ranked officer. Nobody will even care that you are there. You're worrying about nothing.
[SCALES]
He should start worrying.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Doctor, you have the comm.
[DOCTOR]
Damn it, Ted. I'm a doctor, not a substitute.
[CAPTAIN TED]
You've got a captain's rank... so captain.
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
The Away Team exit. The Doctor takes their place in the Captain's position. The Doctor awkwardly tries to figure out what to do with themselves in the absence of anywhere to sit.
[CHATTERS]
You okay?
[DOCTOR]
The captain took his chair with him.
[CHATTERS]
Have wheelchair? Will travel. Should I get you a stool?
[NATASHA]
Can you talk about... the concept of this play and your vision?
[MITCH]
Sure. With the first one, the idea was, "Where's the weirdest place you could find a wheelchair user?" And so we ended up on a pirate ship. And the next question that we had is "Could we take him to a different place?"
And we thought, "Where's the next weird place for a wheelchair user to be in?"
Well, surprisingly, it'd be in space as an astronaut.
So took a lot of feedback from a lot of different people and some different ideas. And here we are.
Captain Ted's going to space.
[STAGE DIRECTIONS] Scene 10. Foley and Pipp hold a stick of shiny party streamers in front of the Away Team to simulate a transporter beaming effect as they enter the stage.
[Beaming sound effect]
[CAPTAIN TED]
What the?
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
Noticing they have beamed down into a crater.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Are you kidding me?
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
Captain starts driving their wheelchair around in a circle.
[CAPTAIN TED]
A stupid crater!?
[TWO]
Ensign Roads, you may have beamed us to the wrong coordinates.
[ABBY, over radio]
Those are the coordinates I was given.
[TWO]
We are in a crater. The captain cannot get out.
[ABBY, over radio]
What? Oh, no.
[TWO]
Are you sure about the data?
[ABBY, over radio]
The coordinates were right. I don't make mistakes like that.
[TWO]
Because if you are off by one decimal, POOF.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Two! I know it's hard. But you need to let it go.
[TWO]
Fine.
[ABBY, over radio]
I can beam down an access ramp if that would help?
[CAPTAIN TED]
If only it was that easy in real life.
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
Pipp enters. They have donned an Eye-horn hat. It's a purple helmet adorned with a bike horn and a big eyeball.
Pipp is now acting as the Eye-horn General.
[Eye-horn General laughs.]
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Look at you. That's [HORNING] hilarious.
[CAPTAIN TED]
You planned this.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
You are lucky. We usually fill the crater with [HORN]
It's a joke we use to break the ice.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Not sure I get the joke. I'm Captain Ted from the SS Unity. Allow me to introduce my crew. This is my first officer Two, my security officer Major Scales, Engineer Louie, and ANNE, our ASL protocol droid.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Droid? Since our robot rebellion, we don't welcome their [HORNING] kind here.
[CAPTAIN TED]
I see. But we need ANNE as an ASL translator for Louie. He's deaf.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Deaf?
[CAPTAIN TED]
Louie can't hear.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Oh… [loudly and slowly] You are welcome here, but your droid can't stay.
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
Frustrated, Louie turns to the Captain and signs, ANNE droid provides ASL translation.
[LOUIE/ANNE]
Do they think I'm stupid?
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
And on that note, we're not sure we can deal with the [HORNING] wheeled cyborg.
[CAPTAIN TED]
This? I'm not a cyborg. It's a wheelchair I use it to get around.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Oh, so does that mean you are just [HORNING] lazy? And what's wrong with him?
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
Pointing at Scales.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Scales is a little person. There's nothing wrong with him.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Really?
[SCALES]
What a bunch of idiots. Permission to give them an uppercut!
[CAPTAIN TED]
We both know an uppercut from you will not connect with their chin.
[NATASHA]
You yourself live with a disability, but you do not have or live with the disabilities that many of your characters have. So how do you ensure the representation of these characters is authentic?
[MITCH]
I mean, I know when I write the script, I'm basing it off of my own experience, but I'm also basing it off of experience that I've had with artists with different disabilities. I know I can speak from wheelchair users. So there's a lot of jokes or there's a lot of commentary that I would make from a wheelchair user perspective.
But then after I wrote the play, I took about a year where I contacted different artists who had the disabilities that I had written to clarify the characters, to add some characteristics.
And for example, in Disabled Astronaut, I'm talking to a little person and asking their opinion on some of the language that I've used. So it's really important that the representation of everybody on the stage is there.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Captain, we're glad you finally came to our planet. It's been long enough. So, where is our long-lost scout? Did you bring him with you?
[CAPTAIN TED]
Long lost scout… From the 1950s, after so long, I'm sure he's deceased by now.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Not so. Our species lived for thousands of years.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Well, I'm sorry we didn't bring him with us. After an illustrious music career, he dropped off the face of the planet.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
What? You [HORNING] barbarians!
[CAPTAIN TED]
I'm not quite sure what the problem is.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
We can deal with you being [HORNING] technological abominations, but pushing an innocent life form off your planet...
[CAPTAIN TED]
That's not what we meant, it's just we don't know where he is.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Of course, you [HORNING] don't know where he is! [crying] Oh, I imagine he has been [HORNING] floating in space. Alone... and freezing... all these [HORNING] years.
Have you no shred of mercy? You [cacophony of HORNS]
Perhaps, we should serve out a dish of our own [HORNING] heartlessness.
[TWO]
Who talks like that?
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
Pipp grabs Louie and holds a phaser to his head.
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Bring us our scout or the red shirt gets it.
[STAGE DIRECTIONS]
Indignant that the red shirt curse is about to happen to them, Louie signs, ANNE droid provides ASL translation.
[LOUIE/ANNE]
Come on.
[CAPTAIN TED]
Scales, fire!
[Phaser gun fires.]
[EYE-HORN GENERAL]
Oh ho! My horn! My horn!
[CAPTAIN TED]
Abby, beam us out of here.
[Beaming sound effect.]
[Bright staccato synth music.]
[ADAM]
Thanks for listening to Waveforms. For a full list of our cast and crew, check out the episode description.
[NATASHA]
Waveforms was produced by Realwheels Theatre with the cooperation of the Union of BC Performers.
A special thank you to our funders, the Canada Council for the Arts, the Province of British Columbia, the City of Vancouver, and the Hamber Foundation.
[ADAM]
If you like what you heard, please drop us a rating and a review on the podcast platform of your choice. It really helps new listeners to find us.
[NATASHA]
See you next week.
[Music fades out.]
