Honest and Open Communication: The Art of Transformative Communication in Marriage

WEBVTT
00:00:07.772 --> 00:00:10.035
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast.
00:00:10.035 --> 00:00:22.007
If you're struggling in your marriage, or maybe you're wondering if it's even salvageable, before you give up or before you let things get too hard, let us come alongside you and help you solidify your marriage.
00:00:22.007 --> 00:00:23.771
We offer biblical encouragement and insight to help solidify your marriage.
00:00:23.771 --> 00:00:26.702
We offer biblical encouragement and insight to help you strengthen your marriage.
00:00:30.589 --> 00:00:32.694
Welcome to the Vision Driven Marriage Podcast.
00:00:32.694 --> 00:00:33.921
We're Doug and Leslie Davis.
00:00:33.921 --> 00:00:44.061
We're really glad that you're here with us today, as we continue to look proactively at some things that can keep you from being in a place where you feel like separation's your only option.
00:00:44.061 --> 00:01:10.629
And today we're going to be looking at how communicating openly and honestly can allow you to be in a good place where you can work towards staying closer to one another rather than separating last week, we talked about loving selflessly, and this is another step that's just as crucial as loving selflessly, and that is communicating open and honestly.
00:01:11.040 --> 00:01:12.146
Open and honestly.
00:01:12.146 --> 00:01:19.430
Well, none of us can talk today Communicating openly and honestly.
00:01:19.430 --> 00:01:37.656
Now, when you think about communicating openly, one of the things that comes to mind, at least in my mind, is having the safety in the relationship that knowing that what you want to say is going to be received with grace and respect.
00:01:37.855 --> 00:01:45.593
Right, and you know when you love somebody deeply and, of course, you know when you came together in marriage you loved each other so deeply.
00:01:45.593 --> 00:01:52.487
There's times where you want to make sure that you don't do something that could potentially lead to any disagreement.
00:01:52.487 --> 00:02:06.215
You don't want to do anything that could potentially lead to any struggle or trouble, and so you may find yourself in a position where you've put off communicating about things because you were afraid it would somehow upset your spouse or it would cause a little bit of an issue.
00:02:06.215 --> 00:02:15.698
What you're finding out instead is not talking about it has created an issue that's much bigger than ever would have existed if you just talked about it, and so we want to encourage you.
00:02:15.737 --> 00:02:19.394
We know that for some of you, communication is hard.
00:02:19.394 --> 00:02:21.663
For others of you, it's easy, regardless of where you are.
00:02:21.663 --> 00:02:24.094
Let us encourage you to be really open and honest now for those of you who are's easy, regardless of where you are.
00:02:24.094 --> 00:02:32.287
Let us encourage you to be really open and honest Now for those of you who are struggling with being able to communicate because you're so conflict resistant.
00:02:32.287 --> 00:02:33.169
You're so.
00:02:33.169 --> 00:02:34.554
I don't want to hurt my spouse.
00:02:34.554 --> 00:02:37.342
I care about them, even though they're frustrating me.
00:02:37.342 --> 00:02:39.772
Let me go ahead and just open this up.
00:02:39.772 --> 00:03:09.893
The love that brought you together has created a relationship where you and your spouse are really truly the only people who can be completely open with one another, because God's brought you together as one, and so it might be uncomfortable for a minute, it might cause somebody to be upset for a minute, but when you're really honest, not only about what's going on but how you feel about it, you're going to be able to find an amazing opportunity to draw closer to one another.
00:03:10.379 --> 00:03:21.774
But the one thing that you have to consider is that when you're in the midst of the open communication or practicing open communication, there is a mutual responsibility.
00:03:21.774 --> 00:03:29.967
You both have responsibilities in that situation in order for open communication and honest communication to work well.
00:03:30.228 --> 00:03:42.506
Right, and you know, one of the things that we've heard so many times I know I've heard it when couples have come to me, and Leslie has heard things that are similar to this as well in the counseling office.
00:03:42.506 --> 00:03:56.788
We know that when communication breaks down, there's this feeling of hopelessness, this feeling of helplessness that can make it feel like the distance between us is so big we can't cross that span.
00:03:56.788 --> 00:03:58.151
That's a lie.
00:03:58.151 --> 00:03:59.193
Let me help you with this.
00:03:59.193 --> 00:04:05.552
Open communication is what's going to allow you to narrow that gap where you feel so much distance.
00:04:05.552 --> 00:04:10.241
It's what's going to allow you to actually get closer and closer and closer and closer to one another.
00:04:10.241 --> 00:04:26.148
And what happens when you don't communicate the way that you should is that human nature kicks in, and one of the really dangerous parts about our brain is we fill in the blanks when there's gaps something that we've heard.
00:04:26.148 --> 00:04:35.028
And then there's a gap, we fill in what we think comes next and if it goes unaddressed, you believe that it really played out the way you imagined it.
00:04:35.279 --> 00:04:36.324
That's called an assumption.
00:04:38.223 --> 00:04:40.531
And the same thing's true even with the things that we see.
00:04:40.531 --> 00:04:52.312
You can see your spouse do something, and then they come back and you fill in the blanks in your brain it's completely normal of what happened between when they went around the corner and came back.
00:04:52.312 --> 00:04:57.572
Now, the majority of the time because we do this all the time majority of the time it's no big deal.
00:04:57.572 --> 00:04:59.747
You assume, oh, they set their keys on the table.
00:04:59.747 --> 00:05:06.613
So when they come back later and say where are my keys, you're like you set them on the table even if you didn't see them do it, because you filled in the blank that that made sense.
00:05:06.613 --> 00:05:09.086
That's what your brain convinced you happened.
00:05:10.160 --> 00:05:13.906
Where it becomes dangerous is when you're having a little bit of a struggle with communication.
00:05:13.906 --> 00:05:15.927
You're not being open, you're not being honest.
00:05:15.927 --> 00:05:21.026
You still fill in the blanks of what you think happened when your spouse went around the corner and came back.
00:05:21.026 --> 00:05:28.906
And when you're struggling to communicate, we tend to go to the negative and it builds that feeling of hopelessness and helplessness.
00:05:28.906 --> 00:05:38.591
There is hope, there is help, but it really starts with sitting down, being completely open.
00:05:38.591 --> 00:05:40.053
Here's what I'm struggling with.
00:05:40.053 --> 00:05:43.264
Here's the things that I wish I wasn't doing, but I'm doing.
00:05:43.264 --> 00:05:45.649
Here's the things that I wish I wasn't doing, but I'm doing.
00:05:45.649 --> 00:05:56.362
Here's the things that you have done that I just struggle with being really open and then being really honest about how you feel it's gonna be huge and how that gap will slowly close.
00:05:56.362 --> 00:05:58.728
You feel like you know we're so far apart.
00:05:58.728 --> 00:05:59.971
I can't jump that far.
00:05:59.971 --> 00:06:03.194
Open communication isn't asking you to jump that far.
00:06:03.194 --> 00:06:06.468
It's taking small steps where eventually the gap becomes doable.
00:06:06.879 --> 00:06:25.120
But keep in mind, there has to be the mutual responsibility of receiving that open and honest communication with love and respect, because there is a mutual responsibility in the relationship to communicate in a way, one that honors each other and two that honors the Lord.
00:06:25.120 --> 00:06:44.701
And so, you know, an example of filling in that blank is if, for instance, if I wanted to go out on a Friday night and I texted Doug and said, hey, let's go out Friday night, and then he doesn't respond, I can make the assumption, because there's that emptiness of communication, of information right there.
00:06:44.701 --> 00:06:48.144
I can make the assumption that he doesn't want to go out tonight.
00:06:48.144 --> 00:07:01.887
You know well, the reality is is that he was probably working and didn't get to respond to my text and you know, in the time frame that I thought was yeah and think about how easy it would be for that to happen.
00:07:01.906 --> 00:07:08.185
You know, maybe I was uh talking to a co-er outside of my car but my phone was in the car and so it wasn't.
00:07:08.185 --> 00:07:09.168
I don't want to go out.
00:07:09.168 --> 00:07:21.887
It's that we were having a de facto department meeting in the parking lot trying to solve the problems of the world, and you know, and so she could take that as, oh, he doesn't want to, when the reality could be very, very different.
00:07:21.887 --> 00:07:24.430
And we do the same things with the things that we see.
00:07:24.430 --> 00:07:27.755
If we don't, you know, we fill in the blanks of the things that we see.
00:07:27.755 --> 00:07:30.670
So open communication helps to get rid of that.
00:07:30.779 --> 00:07:39.574
Now, one of the things Leslie and I were talking about just before we decided to record was that it's kind of human nature, you kind of can't help filling in the blanks.
00:07:39.574 --> 00:07:41.771
You know, I assume she had her keys.
00:07:41.771 --> 00:07:42.874
She went around the corner.
00:07:42.874 --> 00:07:43.797
She didn't have her keys.
00:07:43.797 --> 00:07:45.271
I assume she put them on the table.
00:07:45.271 --> 00:07:48.153
The reality is maybe she put them in her purse or somewhere else.
00:07:48.153 --> 00:07:49.992
But you know, you fill in that assumption.
00:07:49.992 --> 00:07:52.995
The filling in of the blanks is going to happen.
00:07:52.995 --> 00:08:03.172
Becoming aware of it, having open communication lets it not give you information that's false, that you then believe to be true, that you act upon for a long period of time.
00:08:03.172 --> 00:08:11.617
Relationships are damaged by not only the inappropriate things we do, but the things we believe, even if they didn't happen.
00:08:11.617 --> 00:08:17.403
Open communication and honest communication can at least eliminate the parts that didn't happen.
00:08:20.305 --> 00:08:22.185
So you can effectively deal with the parts that did, and it really is crucial.
00:08:22.185 --> 00:08:25.673
It is a crucial building block in a solid relationship.
00:08:25.673 --> 00:08:36.309
One of the things that it does when it operates properly, when there's the mutual responsibility in the relationship of communicating open and honestly and receiving that communication.
00:08:36.309 --> 00:08:49.538
Open and honestly is it creates trust and it creates connection and that connection is defined by the feeling of being seen and heard and understood.
00:08:49.538 --> 00:09:01.976
In that in in the relationship um, I know, I know sometimes that feeling is expressed differently between men and women I can say, you know, when I feel understood, I feel like he gets me, you know.
00:09:01.976 --> 00:09:04.422
And I can say, you know, when I feel understood, I feel like he gets me, you know.
00:09:04.422 --> 00:09:10.014
And I can say that I feel like you get me, I feel like you understood where I was coming from, what I was feeling about the situation.
00:09:10.014 --> 00:09:12.967
But it might be described a little bit differently for the guys.
00:09:13.148 --> 00:09:22.034
Right and, and even you know beyond that, not every guy is going to be able to describe being understood the same way.
00:09:22.034 --> 00:09:26.455
Sometimes we struggle to define what things feel like at all.
00:09:30.668 --> 00:09:34.091
But the reality is when you know that your spouse.
00:09:35.013 --> 00:09:37.875
Whether they agree or not, your spouse understands.
00:09:37.875 --> 00:09:41.678
That is going to be a critical first step.
00:09:41.678 --> 00:09:53.620
Building block in being able to have healthy communication Is to know that I was heard and even if they didn't understand why I did something, they understood what I said.
00:09:53.620 --> 00:09:59.357
Even if they didn't understand why I felt that way, they understood what I was going through.
00:09:59.357 --> 00:10:04.157
That is a gigantic positive first step in communication.
00:10:04.946 --> 00:10:12.993
Some of the techniques that go along with creating open and honest talking about something, regardless of what it is.
00:10:12.993 --> 00:10:34.884
If you are actively listening, that's going to create respect and that's going to give you the opportunity to really understand where your spouse is coming from.
00:10:34.884 --> 00:10:35.346
Now.
00:10:35.525 --> 00:10:41.596
Active listening is a lot about body language, it's about eye contact.
00:10:41.596 --> 00:10:54.674
It's about reflective listening, like you reflect back what you hear them say, and that's as simple as so I heard you say and then you say back what you just heard them say.
00:10:54.674 --> 00:11:04.825
And if you're off base, give them an opportunity to correct where you're off base at, like no, that's not quite what I said, and just take it slow in that time.
00:11:04.825 --> 00:11:10.999
Now the mutual responsibility part comes is when you're the person who's listening.
00:11:10.999 --> 00:11:36.376
Then you're receiving those things with respect and trust because they're giving you their heart Either way, like either the husband talking to the wife or the wife talking to the husband, it is sharing from a place of vulnerability and if that is not held with respect and trust, then this whole process is not going to work right now.
00:11:36.817 --> 00:11:40.134
please make sure that you take into consideration any cultural traditions as well.
00:11:40.134 --> 00:11:42.945
Make sure that you take into consideration any cultural traditions as well.
00:11:42.945 --> 00:11:53.320
Make sure that you're giving your spouse active listening, with respect, in a way that your spouse feels and hears that respect.
00:11:53.320 --> 00:11:55.087
You know so.
00:11:55.087 --> 00:12:03.785
You know it may be that you are looking straight ahead, but not necessarily in the eyes because of a cultural thing.
00:12:03.785 --> 00:12:08.126
Just make sure you've communicated that, because we know some cultures when you look at the eyes, it's respect.
00:12:08.126 --> 00:12:17.039
Others when you look at the person but you're looking toward their feet, that that's more reverently, respectful and humbled before them.
00:12:17.039 --> 00:12:22.697
Again, just do what's going to give respect culturally, but also speaking of culture.
00:12:23.024 --> 00:12:26.494
Here's one of the biggest things you can do to actively listen and give respect.
00:12:26.615 --> 00:12:34.938
Take this and put it in a different room and don't worry, it will still be there when you're done.
00:12:34.938 --> 00:13:00.139
But just put it in a different room because many of you have learned that you can give a lot of respect while you're listening to, ignoring any alerts or messages on your phone while you're talking, but then there's pauses in normal conversations where you can check it out and you're still giving attention and respect to your spouse when you're dealing with something that requires open conversation and it requires this kind of depth of honesty.
00:13:00.139 --> 00:13:14.386
You're going to be better off if you just find a place for your phone that's in a different room than you are and set it over to the side, but then that's also going to be true with anything that's not demanding, requiring your attention.
00:13:14.386 --> 00:13:34.802
So don't ignore things that are safety issues, don't ignore things that you know where your children need you, but basically, every single other thing can wait until the open communication, the honest communication, has come to either a conclusion or let's take a timeout.
00:13:34.802 --> 00:13:35.784
We'll come back in a minute.
00:13:36.044 --> 00:13:51.808
As long as you both have agreed on that, you know, think I think one thing here um to mention it's this is a good place to mention is to create um a time and a space for open and honest communication, like a time that you're scheduling a check-in.
00:13:51.808 --> 00:13:54.916
Basically, you know how are you doing um.
00:13:54.916 --> 00:13:56.206
Is there anything I can help you with?
00:13:56.206 --> 00:13:57.307
How are you feeling today?
00:13:57.307 --> 00:14:01.475
You know so that you're actively checking in with each other.
00:14:01.475 --> 00:14:16.912
That creates a space that isn't dependent on a crisis or a decision that needs to be made, or um, you know something like that where it just creates a time.
00:14:16.912 --> 00:14:21.610
That's, that's special um scheduled, you know, between the two of you.
00:14:21.610 --> 00:14:25.190
That's, like I said, not dependent on a crisis or a decision.
00:14:25.510 --> 00:14:31.168
We're wanting to proactively be able to do things that are going to help you draw close to each other.
00:14:31.168 --> 00:14:51.993
Because, you know, a couple of weeks ago we looked at an interview of a man who has a wonderful ministry helping people who are separated, and it's a hard and heart-wrenching place to be when the person that you vowed to love forever, when you're separated for a while, some of you realize that you're moving in directions where you're not as close as you once were.
00:14:51.993 --> 00:14:57.836
Or you're close and you want to make sure you don't get to a place where you're not as close as you currently are.
00:14:57.836 --> 00:15:04.615
And so you know, as we look at these types of things, why is it that this kind of communication becomes important?
00:15:04.615 --> 00:15:22.076
Looking at every single one of the places where you can be intimate and we've had episodes where we've talked about all of the different types of intimacies We've also talked about different seasons in a married couple's lives it's very different when you have young children compared to when you have older children, compared to when you're an empty nester.
00:15:22.076 --> 00:15:29.736
It's a very different time in your relationship, but this kind of communication is absolutely essential in each one.
00:15:29.736 --> 00:15:40.999
So which places that you have been intimate physical, emotional, sexual or even one of the intimacies.
00:15:41.038 --> 00:15:44.128
When we looked at the 12 intimacies recreational, etc.
00:15:44.128 --> 00:15:49.038
Which one of those intimacies do you feel like there's a drift going on?
00:15:49.038 --> 00:15:53.191
Because that's a place where you can begin the process of open communication.
00:15:53.191 --> 00:15:54.283
It doesn't have to be.
00:15:54.283 --> 00:15:56.890
We've hit this breaking point.
00:15:56.890 --> 00:15:58.967
We've got this gigantic crisis.
00:15:58.967 --> 00:16:00.462
Instead it can be.
00:16:00.462 --> 00:16:02.269
I feel adrift here.
00:16:02.269 --> 00:16:04.508
We used to have recreational intimacy.
00:16:04.508 --> 00:16:08.625
We used to be able to go out and play together and I miss that.
00:16:08.625 --> 00:16:15.167
The open communication can simply be something like I miss that, or it can be something specific.
00:16:15.167 --> 00:16:19.731
I don't feel comfortable doing that anymore because it became so competitive.
00:16:19.731 --> 00:16:22.008
It feels like you always have to beat me.
00:16:22.008 --> 00:16:23.265
It's not fun anymore.
00:16:23.265 --> 00:16:38.434
But being able to be honest and open about where the drift is going on, looking at where were we really close, where I either want to maintain it and not lose it, or I want to get rid of the drift that's happening before it becomes something that hits crisis level.
00:16:39.039 --> 00:16:42.240
Yeah, because proactive is better than reactive.
00:16:42.360 --> 00:17:00.210
So much so, and being able to be respectful is going to be key there, because often when we're being proactive, you know, it may be that Leslie comes to me and says hey, I want to talk about you know this area with our recreational intimacy, and I don't even notice that there's anything that's different.
00:17:00.210 --> 00:17:02.989
To me, it looks exactly the same as it had always been.
00:17:02.989 --> 00:17:08.045
It would be really easy to say, oh, that's not true, or to dismiss it, and please don't do that.
00:17:08.045 --> 00:17:26.128
Please make sure that part of the respectful listening is understanding the thoughts and the feelings of your spouse in a way, not that you have to agree with them, but you need to understand them so that together you can come together with a way to move forward through them.
00:17:26.691 --> 00:17:36.741
And I think that's a good point, understanding that sometimes we could be dismissive of our partner's feelings when you know, just because we don't agree with them.
00:17:36.761 --> 00:17:37.503
Or don't feel that.
00:17:37.684 --> 00:17:43.788
Right, right, or don't feel that we can be dismissive of that, and that's not the way to make the connection.
00:17:44.230 --> 00:17:47.221
For sure, no and being able to be honest about that.
00:17:47.221 --> 00:17:50.747
You know, here's how I feel and then being able to honestly reply.
00:17:50.747 --> 00:17:53.673
You know I want to hear more, but I don't feel that way.
00:17:53.673 --> 00:18:06.922
I'm confused by that's the kind of conversation that's going to help you be able to not only slow the drift but to stop it and to draw closer instead of feeling like you're slowly drifting farther apart, absolutely.
00:18:07.502 --> 00:18:21.310
If you feel like your relationship is drifting or, worse, that there is no connection and you would like to find out for sure where you're at on that scale, I have a link in the show notes to a quiz.
00:18:21.310 --> 00:18:29.074
It's a short quiz, it's about 20 questions, but it will tell you what type of couple where you fall at in that spectrum.
00:18:29.074 --> 00:18:35.554
Is our relationship drifting, are we at risk or are we a solid couple?
00:18:35.554 --> 00:18:40.372
So if you're interested in that, click the link in the show notes to take that quiz.
00:18:41.441 --> 00:18:43.328
We want to thank you for joining us today.
00:18:43.328 --> 00:18:51.026
We've been looking at how you can communicate openly and honestly to proactively Make sure that you stop the drift.
00:18:51.026 --> 00:18:52.309
Stay close to one another.
00:18:52.309 --> 00:18:57.049
We don't want to ever see you get to a place where separation sounds like the idea.
00:18:57.049 --> 00:18:58.653
That would be the best idea.
00:18:58.653 --> 00:19:02.750
If you're already in that place, find some people to come alongside you.
00:19:02.750 --> 00:19:05.241
There's help available If you feel like you're drifting.
00:19:05.241 --> 00:19:11.433
Plug in the things that we talked about and realize that you can stop the drift where it's at.
00:19:11.433 --> 00:19:21.787
If you're in a good, solid place right now, we want to encourage you to take care of that, to make sure that you nurture where you are so that you can stay there.
00:19:21.787 --> 00:19:24.228
We are Doug and Leslie Davis.
00:19:24.228 --> 00:19:40.029
This is the Vision Driven Marriage and we continue to pray that God will solidify your marriage, thank you.