Masterclass (available until Nov 1st)

WEBVTT
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Hello, I am so excited and welcome to this masterclass.
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For those of you joining me live, thank you so much.
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Where are you joining from?
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I know how hard it can be to carve out that time, to prioritize yourself and to give yourself this hour.
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And for those of you that haven't been able to carve out that time but are watching this back, thanks so much for being here with me.
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I want this to be worth your while.
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I want you to be able to take away stuff from this masterclass.
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So, what is this going to be about?
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I want you at the end of this call to be able to identify the invisible rules that you're living by, the fears that are driving your behaviors, and for you to be able to recognize when you are in that fight or flight, when you are in that urgency, and also what you can do about it.
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We can't change what we're not aware of.
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And so this is going to be about creating that awareness more around the behavior and then being able to see the tangible steps, what we can do to do something different.
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At the end of this masterclass, I am also going to tell you a little bit more about the CAM method and what I do within the six-week course that I run.
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If that's something that you want to hear more about it, stick till the end and I'll be able to answer any of the questions that you have coming in.
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And if not, I hope that you get as much as you can from this masterclass so you're able to implement it into your life and that you're able to consider yourself more and identify your needs more.
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Hello everyone and welcome to the masterclass.
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I am going to get uh jump straight in.
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I was just asking where are people coming from?
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We have people from Dublin, Scotland, Sweden.
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I am going to ask you to either brain dump with a pen and paper or brain dump if you can in the chats.
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And I want to know, like literally, I'm just going to give you about two minutes and really just get curious about the expectations that you have on yourself.
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In particular, I'm talking about Christmas here, but Christmas is just often where this can really consolidate and it can amplify the responsibility that somebody carries.
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It can amplify the responsibility that you carry in your everyday life.
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It can just amplify this at Christmas time.
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And I want to, yeah, I just want to hear about those pressures, about those expectations that you have on yourself.
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So just about two minutes to brain dump this because we can't change what we're not aware of.
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And often we run on these scripts that were given to us in childhood and we act blindly from them.
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Yeah.
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Some people have huge awareness on acting from them, some people have less awareness, but we're acting from them nonetheless.
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So yeah, if you just brain dump the expectations that you have on yourself, that's a huge one there.
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I hear that a lot.
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Yeah.
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Making sure the kids are happy with what they get.
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Yeah.
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The responsibility that I have for their happiness, that they must not be disappointed.
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Connected with family who I've recently had a strained relationship.
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Okay.
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A lot of responsibility there.
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Is that what I'm hearing?
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The responsibility that I'm responsible to connect with them.
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I'm responsible to reach out.
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This is my job.
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That I will get gifts that everyone will be happy with, mainly children, sort out food for the festive period and all the meals, including special items.
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Holy shit, let's just take a moment with that alone.
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That I will get gifts that everyone will be happy with, right?
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Not just gifts.
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I won't just plan that.
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Like they have to be happy with them, mainly the children, and I understand that, especially younger children if these are Santee ages or if there's older teenagers.
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Because what do you want to convey to the child?
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Like if they're happy with that?
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What does that say to you if you do this job and then they're happy?
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Sort out feed for the festive period and all the meals.
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All the meals, including special items.
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Aging parent who wants me to be with her, but child and husband who want me to be home.
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Don't want to be with her either, but I feel the guilt.
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Okay.
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This responsibility here that has been put on me to go to her, I don't want to.
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I feel torn.
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Yeah.
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The thing I want to do is stay at home, but now I can't stay at home with my husband and child because I feel guilty.
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I'm nearly feeling that it's tarnish, the pressure in that.
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Yes, responsibility to make sure that there aren't further conflict between one grandparent and my child.
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Okay, so here I am being the mediator.
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That responsibility being the mediator between them.
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I'm responsible for everyone's emotions.
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And this is something I don't notice during the time, I notice it after.
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That's really interesting.
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I'm really interested to hear how you notice that after.
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Yeah, if they're happy, I feel like I've done a good job.
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Okay.
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And if they're not happy, uh I'm responsible for everyone's emotions.
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Yeah, and I didn't notice during the time I went that one.
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Estrange with family and feeling as if I should arrange happy events and memories with kids.
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Okay.
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That sounds like a lot of pressure.
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I'm estranged from my family.
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They can't feel like that.
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I it has to be, it sounds even more than happy.
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Yeah, well, happy it can't, there can't be any disappointment, any negativity, any upset, any arguments.
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Trying to break old traditions that are triggering without feeling guilt.
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Okay, that's the one that's coming a lot.
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The guilt.
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The guilt that I'm holding.
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Yeah.
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A lot to, a lot to manage, a lot of responsibilities.
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So there, when I was writing out for this masterclass, I was looking at that.
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And in terms of the, you know, really it can be the hardest stretch of the year for a number of reasons.
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And you've named them all here.
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Either the family visits or the no family visits, yeah.
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The expectations from others, and then hear the expectations that you place on yourself and the version that you are then trying to hold all of this and trying to manage all of this.
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So, what I'm hearing in all of these is I have to be the perfect parent.
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Right?
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That's exactly what you're talking about.
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The kids have to be happy at all times.
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I have to make happy memories.
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The bar is set so high.
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It's set up here at like endless patience and absolute attunement, and the result being that they're gonna be happy.
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Yeah.
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No other feelings.
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So now there's no space for any mistakes or for any feelings that that they're gonna have unless it's happy, or that's a uh direct failing on my part.
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I've done something wrong.
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And here, even use have said it, that's coming from what I feel.
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My child must never feel what I I felt.
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And so now I'm gonna try that they avoid all disappointment, all frustration, or any sadness.
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They can't feel it, or else I failed, and they're feeling exactly what I was feeling.
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I must this strive to create the the this warm, perfect family that I never had, even in terms of I have to get all the food, I have to get the perfect food, I have to get all the extras, the perfect presence.
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As I'm saying that, can you can you feel the weight of that?
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Like that pressure to build this magical day, magical week, magical month, magical time.
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Yeah.
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I'm wondering.
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So much pressure.
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Yeah.
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It is, it is like I can actually feel that in my shoulders.
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So much pressure.
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I'm wondering where do you feature in in any of this?
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I'm hearing all the ways that you show your kids that you love them, show your family that you care.
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Where do you show you that you care for you?
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Where do you feature in this?
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Where do you show that you care about you?
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Only when it's all over.
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And what does that look like then when it's all over?
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This is what I I done my most recent episode.
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I don't know if um you've heard it, it was only out on Tuesday, and it's that, it's that I'm last, so I'll come last.
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And then when everybody else is fed, watered, clothed, happy, got what they want, have the attention, you know, have the attunement, it's all about them.
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Only when it's all over, then I'll be I'll consider me.
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And I actually wonder is that true that you're last on the list or that you're invisible and that you don't consider yourself at all during this time?
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Because think of this in terms of like a busy period and a and a car, because I get it here.
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I have four kids myself, so I get it that shit has to be done.
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Like, you know, presents have to be got, like, you know, shopping has to be done.
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But if I continually drive at full steam, like think of this in a car.
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Like if the car continually drives, it will, it will burn out.
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There will be problems.
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The engine, when the petrol or diesel runs low, the car will continue to run on the fumes, but then it will actually like erode the engine.
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Like the engine will either explode or implode.
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Whereas when we're talking about being busy or the car having to go, you know, there's stuff that we do for the car, you know, oil, water, petrol, diesel.
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Yeah.
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Tend to it, clean it.
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Yeah.
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And that's an object.
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Yeah.
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And so I wonder, yeah, here, it's a collapse at the end of the night.
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I don't think I do consider me.
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I usually end up with a vicious migraine, and then yes, yes, I do go to bed, but it's not really decided, no.
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No.
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So this is the end when I'm completely burned out, and my body is screaming at me with a migraine or exhaustion or irritability, or just yeah, no energy, collapse at the end of the night.
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And then that's the part, well, oh yeah, that's me meeting my needs.
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Whereas yeah, it doesn't sound like it's a it's a choice.
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This is just what happens because I don't consider me because I'm invisible.
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And it it comes often from this part that I can't need anything for me, especially from my own kids, but from anybody, but I can't need it.
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And so I have to hide my own feelings and even hide my own physical needs.
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There was, did I save the part in the book?
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Judith Herman's book, Um, Trauma and Recovery, there's a part where she talks about in ordinary human responses to danger, it's complex integrated systems of reactions encompassing both body and mind.
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So that long after the event when we live in this fight or flight, that threat concentrates a person's attention on the immediate situation.
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In addition, threat may alter ordinary perceptions.
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So people in danger are often able to disregard hunger, fatigue, or pain.
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So there, I'll just keep going and going and going because I can't need anything.
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I can't be tired, it has to be done.
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I won't even go to the toilet.
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I wonder how many people only notice their need to go to the toilet, like when they're bursting.
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Because if I just kind of need to go, maybe I don't notice it, or I'll ignore it because the thing that I'm doing is more important, or somebody else in front of me is more important.
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I have to get it right.
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Yeah.
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And so this, I'm wondering if this feels familiar, if this is sort of the pressure and the invisible rules then that you end up living by.
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And I wonder, are you aware of those rules?
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Or is this something that you just feel like has to be done, that you feel that this is coming from your own sort of internal drive?
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Right?
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These things that were even named here already, that other people's feelings are my responsibility.
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If somebody is upset, I either caused it or I need to fix it.
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My needs are an inconvenience.
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Wanting something is selfish, so I ask for as little as possible.
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Love has to be earned.
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I'm valued for what I do, what I achieve, what I provide for others, not who I am.
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So I can't not do.
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I have to do.
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Yeah.
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I can't upset anybody.
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Conflict is dangerous.
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Another invisible rule.
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Yeah.
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Disagreement leads to punishment, withdrawal, or rage.
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So I avoid or give in quickly.
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How would you um rate your ability to set and hold boundaries with your kids if they're annoyed?
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Is that something that you're like, no, I am really good at this?
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Like, I'm really good at boundaries, I am really good at saying no and holding my no.
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Or is that something that you struggle with?
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I'm mostly good.
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Amazing.
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Amazing.
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I'm hearing I'm mostly good.
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I'm good at giving because at the same time, yeah, I'm I I'm exhausted at the end of the day.
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So this takes a lot of work.
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This sounds like a lot of effort.
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Is is that right?
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Because if I'm mostly good, but I collapse at the end of the night.
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Uh I find it difficult to stay with the discomfort.
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It's something I'm working on.
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Struggle with it and worry in advance.
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Though I know that my family of origin will criticize me.
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Okay.
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Yeah.
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So those that that plays a weight, yeah, in how I parent.
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Yeah.
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There's one invisible rule that I see that comes up regular, but often it can be here in Christmas time too.
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With all of this stuff, you know, like there are the lists, the Christmas dinner, the presents, everything.
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It's don't outshine and don't disappoint.
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I have to do it perfect and get it right, but I can't even acknowledge that when I do something really well because I can't outshine, but then I can't disappoint anybody either.
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I wonder, is that familiar?
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That like I have to get it right and perfect, but then it can't be perfect or it'll look too perfect, and I have to, I have to manage it.
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I can't own when something is good.
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That constant alert for that criticism or that feedback of being too big for my boots, or you know, I can't own when something is is good.
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Yeah.
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I wonder how you all are then with with rest.
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When we're talking about here so much to be done, that idea of the car driving, when do you take time for you for rest?
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How does that show up?
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In terms of needs.
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I take time for rest when other family members suggest we watch something together.
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So when somebody else wants to do something and it involves rest, then I will take that time to rest.
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Do you hear that?
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Yeah.
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So only when somebody else permits it.
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Because what would that say about you if you took time for rest?
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If you said I want to sit down and watch a movie?
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What if you said I wanted to sit down and have a cup of tea?
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What would that mean?
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What's the worst thing that that would say about you if you chose to rest to take a break for 20 minutes?
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10 minutes.
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I need some time alone, and that is tricky in the holidays.
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I have to try and get out for a walk, so I'm out of the house, but I try and time it when it will least impact everyone else.
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What what ages are your kids?
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If you could put that in the chat, what ages are your kids?
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And I wonder for anyone else here, what ages are your kids?
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Okay, so this one from the previous comment 11 and 14, but my 11-year-old is anxious.
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So I have to try and get out for a walk, but I'm only out of the house.
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I try to time it when it will least impact everybody else.
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So that my 11 and 14-year-old, I don't want my daughter to be anxious and fearful.
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So I have to position it and time it right that she is okay if I go for the walk.
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Yeah.
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Do you see how much power then they hold over you needing a walk?
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I I can't just own that.
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What would that mean for you if they weren't happy you going for a walk?
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What's the worst thing that would say about you if you did prioritize your own needs in that moment and went for a walk?
00:17:36.750 --> 00:17:39.309
Somebody else here, 18, 16, and 12.
00:17:39.549 --> 00:17:42.589
It makes me feel quite uncomfortable taking time for myself.
00:17:42.750 --> 00:17:45.150
I think I'd hide rather than take the time.
00:17:45.389 --> 00:17:47.470
My kids are age eight and six.
00:17:47.789 --> 00:17:48.109
Okay.
00:17:48.829 --> 00:17:54.589
This I'm I'm gonna touch on because this this is the part when we are in fight, flight, freezer, fun.
00:17:54.910 --> 00:17:55.789
I'd rather hide.
00:17:55.869 --> 00:17:57.230
I'd rather make myself smaller.
00:17:57.389 --> 00:17:59.869
It is scary to show up and take that time.
00:18:00.349 --> 00:18:00.910
Yeah.
00:18:01.150 --> 00:18:03.069
I worry that I'm letting them down.
00:18:03.309 --> 00:18:03.629
Okay.
00:18:03.869 --> 00:18:08.190
So if I prioritize myself in any way, I worry that I'm letting them down.
00:18:08.349 --> 00:18:09.069
Follow that on.
00:18:09.150 --> 00:18:10.909
And if that happens, what's the fear?
00:18:10.990 --> 00:18:13.869
If I let them down, what's the fear?
00:18:14.990 --> 00:18:15.470
Yeah.
00:18:15.789 --> 00:18:18.109
This is that constant state of alertness.
00:18:18.189 --> 00:18:18.589
Do you see?
00:18:18.669 --> 00:18:21.389
I have to monitor everybody else, see what everybody else needs.
00:18:21.549 --> 00:18:26.189
I have to read the room and anticipate the needs and make sure that everybody else is okay.
00:18:26.509 --> 00:18:27.949
Yeah, mistakes aren't good enough.
00:18:28.029 --> 00:18:28.829
I can't make mistakes.
00:18:28.909 --> 00:18:29.949
They're not just mistakes.
00:18:30.269 --> 00:18:33.949
They're they're evidence that I've done something wrong, that something is wrong with me.
00:18:35.470 --> 00:18:36.109
Yeah.
00:18:36.909 --> 00:18:38.109
I have to be useful.
00:18:38.189 --> 00:18:39.949
I have to do these things.
00:18:44.349 --> 00:18:48.829
That they'll be harmed, that I'm not good enough, mother, and they'll be hurt by it.
00:18:49.230 --> 00:18:52.109
I never want them to feel alone or unloved.
00:18:53.069 --> 00:19:00.990
So this rule that they cannot, if I go back to the list of rules that I had up here, yeah, my child must never feel what I felt.
00:19:01.629 --> 00:19:02.269
Never.
00:19:02.909 --> 00:19:07.949
And so now if there's a moment that they feel anything close to what I felt.
00:19:08.189 --> 00:19:15.710
So if your kid is not wanting to for you to go for a walk, and if I do it, no, that's they're gonna feel abandoned.
00:19:15.869 --> 00:19:19.389
I'm gonna abandon them and I must not do that because that's what was done to me.
00:19:19.789 --> 00:19:26.669
So I'm not able to separate it out and just see that my child might be worried, might be scared, might be annoyed.
00:19:27.149 --> 00:19:30.589
They might even be hurt that they're not prioritized in that moment.
00:19:31.949 --> 00:19:38.029
But you will be demonstrating to them that you do care and you will come back and you will attune to them.
00:19:38.509 --> 00:19:40.750
But your nervous system can't tolerate that.
00:19:40.909 --> 00:19:42.990
The fear that you are actually doing to them.
00:19:43.149 --> 00:19:45.309
That's the fear that ends up driving the car.
00:19:45.470 --> 00:19:47.710
That's the fear that's running the show.
00:19:48.589 --> 00:19:48.909
Yeah.
00:19:49.149 --> 00:19:56.669
18, 16, 15, great now, but that only started when it was helpful to model rest to a child with chronic fatigue.
00:19:56.909 --> 00:19:58.189
I fucking love this.
00:19:58.349 --> 00:20:06.429
This comes up so much when I when I talk with my clients and in the Cam Parent course, when I highlight to them how helpful it is to them.
00:20:06.589 --> 00:20:19.309
So let's say with that previous person, how helpful it is to monitor to her that actually she is safe, even if she is distressed, but that she is safe because you're coming back.
00:20:19.629 --> 00:20:20.589
So, do you see that?
00:20:20.669 --> 00:20:25.149
You are not trying to assure her or reassure her that she's gonna be happy and that she's gonna enjoy it.
00:20:25.309 --> 00:20:27.710
No, this is really horrible feeling.
00:20:27.949 --> 00:20:29.549
But I'm coming back.
00:20:29.789 --> 00:20:38.349
And the tolerance that that would build in her, same way here, that um it's helpful for me to model rest, that if I have a child with chronic fatigue.
00:20:38.589 --> 00:20:39.629
And there is that part.
00:20:39.710 --> 00:20:48.750
And if we do have to say to ourselves, okay, I'm gonna do this because this is beneficial to my kid, that's a that's a brilliant step in stone to do that thing.
00:20:49.069 --> 00:20:51.629
I also want to take it a step further than that.
00:20:51.949 --> 00:20:58.589
Because this can not only be good if it's helpful for your kid, because you get to have needs and meet them.
00:20:58.990 --> 00:21:07.470
The great thing with this is that if you are actually modeling rest and doing it more often, you're far more likely to then do it, which I which I wonder is the case.
00:21:07.629 --> 00:21:08.829
Maybe let me know.
00:21:09.710 --> 00:21:15.230
I wonder for you, is then anybody how you feel then uh in the run up to Christmas?
00:21:15.389 --> 00:21:19.869
You know, when you're talking about that exhaustion, overwhelmed responsibility.
00:21:20.669 --> 00:21:23.149
What's the feelings that are coming up for you?
00:21:24.990 --> 00:21:30.189
Or are you so used to being on autopilot that you don't you don't notice it, you just keep going and going and going?
00:21:30.349 --> 00:21:33.069
No, here's that person, stressed out of my mind.
00:21:33.470 --> 00:21:35.149
Stressed out of my mind.
00:21:35.389 --> 00:21:35.549
Yeah.
00:21:35.710 --> 00:21:40.429
So I'm here in overwhelmed then, stressed, chaos, like stressed out of my mind.
00:21:40.750 --> 00:21:43.549
Perfectionism, I just wanted to be perfect for them.
00:21:43.949 --> 00:21:44.589
Stuck.
00:21:44.750 --> 00:21:46.909
I keep doing the same thing no matter how hard I try.
00:21:47.069 --> 00:21:56.589
Even if I know not to do these things, I just end up doing it because I feel guilty or fearful, fearful of upsetting them, fearful of abandoning them, fearful of hurting them, fearful of disappointing them.
00:21:57.789 --> 00:22:00.349
I wonder how many people are anxious.
00:22:01.309 --> 00:22:02.829
Anxious that if they do the wrong thing.
00:22:02.990 --> 00:22:04.349
I wonder how many kids here.
00:22:04.669 --> 00:22:08.509
Is there many people battling what I call shit shows?
00:22:08.669 --> 00:22:12.669
So if the child is disappointed, they're gonna have an absolute meltdown or they're gonna be angry.
00:22:12.829 --> 00:22:16.349
And so I'm trying to avoid that argument.
00:22:16.750 --> 00:22:17.710
Anxious.
00:22:18.029 --> 00:22:25.149
I felt really overwhelmed for years, but it's a lot better since we decided we are home in our own home for Christmas on Boxing Day.
00:22:25.309 --> 00:22:25.949
Love this.
00:22:26.109 --> 00:22:28.750
This was gonna be the next question I was gonna ask.
00:22:28.990 --> 00:22:32.829
And I want to be clear that I am asking this about you.
00:22:33.789 --> 00:22:36.990
What do you want for Christmas?
00:22:37.230 --> 00:22:40.909
What would you want to feel this Christmas?
00:22:41.149 --> 00:22:54.509
And when I say Christmas, I often we do think just like Christmas Day or Stephen's Day or Boxing Day, but I'm talking about like the run-up to Christmas, like the week of Christmas, uh, the week before Christmas, the week after Christmas.
00:22:54.750 --> 00:22:57.710
Like what would you like to feel at Christmas?
00:22:58.349 --> 00:23:02.909
You not your kids, not your extended family.
00:23:03.869 --> 00:23:05.869
I'm not asking you what you want them to feel.
00:23:06.829 --> 00:23:09.389
I'm asking you what you would like to feel.
00:23:13.149 --> 00:23:15.069
I want space to breathe.
00:23:16.349 --> 00:23:18.189
Yeah, to spend time alone.
00:23:20.029 --> 00:23:21.869
That calm, relaxed.
00:23:22.109 --> 00:23:23.629
Oh breathe.
00:23:24.029 --> 00:23:24.589
Yeah.
00:23:24.909 --> 00:23:25.629
Regulated.
00:23:26.189 --> 00:23:26.669
Yeah.
00:23:26.990 --> 00:23:28.509
Do you have anybody familiar with that?
00:23:28.669 --> 00:23:30.990
Regulated, that calm and safe.
00:23:31.389 --> 00:23:31.629
Yeah.
00:23:32.029 --> 00:23:33.710
So safe what I'm hearing is safety.
00:23:33.869 --> 00:23:35.069
Not be ruled by fear.
00:23:35.230 --> 00:23:36.990
Not have fear driving the car.
00:23:37.549 --> 00:23:42.269
Imagine having that, that regulated and safety in the driver's seat driving the car.
00:23:43.470 --> 00:23:43.789
Yeah.
00:23:43.949 --> 00:23:45.389
Space to breathe in the car.
00:23:45.629 --> 00:23:48.269
Also, time to spend alone in the car.
00:23:49.869 --> 00:23:50.269
Yeah.
00:23:50.589 --> 00:23:52.750
But what if I what if I could do that?
00:23:52.909 --> 00:23:54.349
What if I felt relaxed?
00:23:54.589 --> 00:23:55.869
What if I could breathe?
00:23:56.189 --> 00:23:59.549
What if I could prioritize myself in ways and enjoy it?
00:23:59.710 --> 00:24:09.470
So go for that walk and not beat myself up over it that I was being mean or having such anxiety that I want to turn around and run home and see if they're okay because they're going to be so distressed.
00:24:10.189 --> 00:24:20.909
What if I could trust myself as a parent that by me doing any of these things to consider myself did not mean that I was the same as my narcissistic parent.
00:24:21.949 --> 00:24:22.349
Yeah.
00:24:22.589 --> 00:24:24.349
This is where the conflation occurs.
00:24:24.429 --> 00:24:26.109
This is where the fear is driven.
00:24:26.269 --> 00:24:30.109
Because if I consider myself, oh, that sounds really narcissistic.
00:24:30.349 --> 00:24:32.589
Yeah, that sounds really uncaring.
00:24:32.909 --> 00:24:37.869
Because that's that's what we equate it to with the narcissistic parent, that they're uncaring, which they are.
00:24:39.309 --> 00:24:46.669
And there is a truth when we're talking about narcissism, that narcissism is uh considering yourself.
00:24:46.829 --> 00:24:52.189
And one of the podcasts I talked about this with Ruth, and I uh wrote about it in the book that I co-wrote You're not the problem.
00:24:52.669 --> 00:25:07.869
And one of the reasons that um myself and Helen put it in that it was important to talk about what was the healthy narcissistic traits, because most people now, when we talk about narcissism, it is in the context that we are talking about NPD and how harmful narcissistic behaviors are.
00:25:08.109 --> 00:25:14.109
But narcissistic behaviors, there are healthy narcissistic behaviors because otherwise we don't exist.
00:25:14.750 --> 00:25:31.949
So that part that I exist and I have needs, and I can ask for my needs to met or meet my own needs, but that is different than what we call NPD and what we call when we say narcissists, because that is about harming others, causing harm, not caring.
00:25:32.429 --> 00:25:34.349
And so now here can you see the conflation?
00:25:34.429 --> 00:25:45.230
Well, if I go for a walk, or if I sit down and rest, or if I think about me and want to sit down, if it's not the child's choice to watch the movie, and if I'm just going, okay, I'm gonna sit down and watch a movie, does anybody want to?
00:25:45.549 --> 00:25:48.509
And if they don't, I'm gonna sit down and watch the movie anyway.
00:25:49.470 --> 00:25:51.230
The fear, oh no, what if that's selfish?
00:25:51.389 --> 00:25:52.029
What if that's uncare?
00:25:52.109 --> 00:25:54.589
And what if my child feels hurt abandoned, uncared for?
00:25:54.829 --> 00:25:56.029
I can't exist.
00:25:56.509 --> 00:25:58.429
So there's an invisibility here.
00:25:58.589 --> 00:26:02.829
And then there's a real hand-in over the power because look how much power my child has.
00:26:02.990 --> 00:26:13.309
And so when we're talking about here in terms of anxiety, and I'm conscious because I but there's a part because I think this might be hard to hear.
00:26:13.710 --> 00:26:25.149
It is no surprise in this context that she might hold such anxiety because look at the responsibility that she gets to make these decisions, whether you go for a walk or not.
00:26:25.869 --> 00:26:28.029
That's not a responsibility a child should have.
00:26:28.189 --> 00:26:29.389
That is up to you.
00:26:29.869 --> 00:26:32.189
It is up to us that they are safe.
00:26:32.349 --> 00:26:39.949
So depending on the age of the child, whether they have a babysitter, whether their other parent is at home, whether there's uh an older child able to babysit.
00:26:40.109 --> 00:26:42.109
Like their safety is important.
00:26:43.230 --> 00:26:47.869
But that part we hand them so much power that they get to make these decisions.
00:26:48.109 --> 00:26:49.949
And that is what's happening.
00:26:50.269 --> 00:26:50.909
Yeah.
00:26:51.230 --> 00:26:53.230
Did anyone hear the podcast during the week?
00:26:53.309 --> 00:26:54.269
I talk a lot about this.
00:26:54.349 --> 00:26:56.509
There's, by the way, no shame or blame here.
00:26:56.589 --> 00:26:58.509
There's no, um, I'm just wondering.
00:26:58.750 --> 00:27:02.349
I wonder if because I just wonder if it resonated, if anybody heard this part.
00:27:02.429 --> 00:27:07.869
Because I, and I can spend time here talking a little bit more about it, but I I want to get into um the next part.
00:27:07.949 --> 00:27:10.029
So I just want to know.
00:27:10.429 --> 00:27:11.309
No, didn't hear it.
00:27:11.389 --> 00:27:12.429
Okay, I'll talk a little bit about that.
00:27:12.589 --> 00:27:14.349
Okay, somebody's saying yes, they did.
00:27:14.589 --> 00:27:15.549
It's this part.
00:27:15.629 --> 00:27:22.990
Uh, and I talked about uh when I went out only there a couple of weeks ago with a friend of mine and my it was my daughter that was asking me, Can I go with you?
00:27:23.149 --> 00:27:26.349
And she wanted her to take her daughter because there's a wee girl the same age.
00:27:26.589 --> 00:27:27.869
And I was saying, no, you can't.
00:27:28.029 --> 00:27:29.309
This is an adult night out.
00:27:29.470 --> 00:27:32.029
Yeah, and she's well, and she she is disappointed, right?
00:27:32.109 --> 00:27:35.309
And so it's like she's she's like, please, like, please can I come?
00:27:35.470 --> 00:27:36.349
Like, mommy, that's not fair.
00:27:36.429 --> 00:27:37.869
Like, please, yeah.
00:27:38.109 --> 00:27:42.349
And before, she she's just used to this now, so she's accepted it more.
00:27:42.509 --> 00:27:50.829
But when they were younger, like obviously when I had a little uh baby or a toddler, it was the toddler crying at my leg that didn't want me to go.
00:27:51.069 --> 00:27:53.949
As they got older, they were able to voice that more.
00:27:54.189 --> 00:28:06.109
So now I'm in a position that my child can sort of ask to come, but she's more accepting of it because she knows that the answer is no, that I'm allowed to go out with my friends in the same way that you can have time with your friends.
00:28:06.269 --> 00:28:11.789
And I don't have to overexplain that, and I don't over-explain that because that then puts so much weight in it.
00:28:12.029 --> 00:28:19.149
If I sit down, I'm like, okay, well, you know the way you're allowed to go with your friends, well, mommy's allowed to go with her friends too, because I'm giving her so much power.
00:28:19.389 --> 00:28:22.109
She doesn't get to make these decisions for me.
00:28:22.990 --> 00:28:24.269
But this is the part, right?
00:28:24.429 --> 00:28:29.869
The fear, because if I go, and if I don't enjoy myself because I'm so worried and I'm gonna feel so guilty and I'm just gonna run home.
00:28:30.029 --> 00:28:34.429
So the tolerance for this is so low, and then I'm just gonna avoid it altogether.
00:28:34.750 --> 00:28:35.389
Yeah.
00:28:36.509 --> 00:28:46.189
What would it be like that if you trusted this part, that you were allowed to breathe to meet your own needs, to have needs.
00:28:46.909 --> 00:28:51.549
I wonder for when when was the last time that you did something for yourself and what was that?
00:28:52.189 --> 00:28:53.309
Truly for yourself.
00:28:53.789 --> 00:29:01.230
A lot of people think when we talk about self-care, you know, they go to, you know, they think like nails, spa, hair, all those things.
00:29:01.629 --> 00:29:05.230
Self-care can be those things, but often it's so much smaller.
00:29:05.389 --> 00:29:15.710
And it starts with am I able to even recognize the need and notice the need, recognize my own wants and preferences and then meet that need.
00:29:17.629 --> 00:29:22.750
I've started doing a workout in the time I would usually use to do treat chores.
00:29:23.230 --> 00:29:23.549
Okay.
00:29:24.509 --> 00:29:32.189
I I love that, and I I love that you are prioritizing yourself to do something.
00:29:32.349 --> 00:29:34.189
And it and I think it depends for workouts.
00:29:34.269 --> 00:29:37.629
I wonder, because there's such a feel-good feeling after the workout, right?
00:29:37.710 --> 00:29:41.069
How I feel after, but doing it can sometimes feel like a chore.
00:29:41.629 --> 00:29:44.189
I wonder when did you last do something for fun?
00:29:44.589 --> 00:29:47.549
I wonder when did you last do something for pleasure?
00:29:48.269 --> 00:29:50.990
I wonder when did you last do something for rest?
00:29:51.549 --> 00:29:54.990
Found some amazing sheet pan roasted vegetable soup recipes.
00:29:55.230 --> 00:29:56.029
Lovely.
00:29:56.429 --> 00:29:58.589
I wonder what it would feel like for you.
00:29:58.750 --> 00:30:03.629
And I know that when we have kids, right, we're not just gonna cook for ourselves because you know, the effort and everything.
00:30:03.869 --> 00:30:11.629
Um I wonder for you, would you make that for yourself if that was only you to eat that?
00:30:13.470 --> 00:30:17.629
Would you go to that effort for you, that love, that care, that nurture?
00:30:18.589 --> 00:30:20.669
Okay, fun is a different story altogether.
00:30:20.750 --> 00:30:21.470
Tell me more about that.
00:30:21.710 --> 00:30:23.629
Fun is a different story altogether.
00:30:25.069 --> 00:30:26.029
Yes, me too.
00:30:26.189 --> 00:30:28.269
Okay, what is different about that?
00:30:30.029 --> 00:30:31.389
It's only me that eats it.
00:30:31.549 --> 00:30:32.589
Lovely, I love that.
00:30:32.750 --> 00:30:35.629
That is an example of you meeting your own needs.
00:30:35.789 --> 00:30:40.669
That is an example of you considering yourself in a really healthy way and meeting your needs.
00:30:40.990 --> 00:30:45.470
I did a three years masters to legitimately escape.
00:30:45.869 --> 00:30:47.949
Okay, so I needed a reason.
00:30:48.189 --> 00:30:49.869
I needed justification.
00:30:50.349 --> 00:30:51.949
I wanted to escape.
00:30:53.149 --> 00:30:59.949
But then here I also had to do it in a way that then was going to put loads of other pressure on me and yes, a reward at the end of it.
00:31:00.109 --> 00:31:02.109
But I but do you see I had to work?
00:31:02.829 --> 00:31:06.589
It's like I have to earn, earn that, prove it, justify it.
00:31:06.990 --> 00:31:09.230
I can't think of something I've done for fun.
00:31:10.029 --> 00:31:12.509
I started drawing without showing anyone.
00:31:12.589 --> 00:31:14.269
I love that creativity.
00:31:14.669 --> 00:31:14.990
Okay.
00:31:16.189 --> 00:31:22.429
This is what I'm talking about here, because when you consider yourself, this is the part where we do get to breathe.
00:31:22.589 --> 00:31:24.349
We do get to meet our own needs.
00:31:24.669 --> 00:31:30.109
When you consider yourself, it's then you recognize the weight of what you're carrying.
00:31:30.189 --> 00:31:34.269
Another episode I done on The Cam Parent was that box of responsibility that you're carrying.
00:31:34.509 --> 00:31:40.349
You get to recognize how much you're carrying and then begin to start piecing it out that it's not all on you.
00:31:40.429 --> 00:31:42.109
It's shared responsibility.
00:31:42.349 --> 00:31:50.589
And often when I talk about this in terms of with children, parents are terrified in case they're parentifying their child when we're talking about responsibility.
00:31:50.909 --> 00:31:52.909
But kids do have responsibility.
00:31:52.990 --> 00:31:58.269
And this is where we really do them a disservice if we don't have them responsible.
00:31:58.509 --> 00:32:04.909
Yeah, if they don't do things around the house, if they don't do chores, if we do everything from them or for them.
00:32:05.470 --> 00:32:07.869
Yeah, we can infantilize them.
00:32:08.589 --> 00:32:12.829
From young kids to the teenage kids, from the toddler to the teenager.
00:32:13.949 --> 00:32:16.349
But it's just often so familiar.
00:32:17.149 --> 00:32:26.029
But I wonder what it would be like if you were to trust yourself as the driver and trust yourself that you got to exist so that you have more ease at Christmas.
00:32:26.109 --> 00:32:27.309
And not just Christmas, right?
00:32:27.389 --> 00:32:29.710
We're talking about Christmas, but not just Christmas.
00:32:30.269 --> 00:32:34.589
That you get that peace in the present, that ease in the present.
00:32:35.069 --> 00:32:40.829
And that instead of having that guilt and shame, that you can have pride when you do meet your own need.
00:32:41.710 --> 00:32:42.349
Yeah.
00:32:42.829 --> 00:32:44.429
That you're able to tap into that.
00:32:44.589 --> 00:32:50.589
Proud that you can identify what you do or want to do for fun, and then that you can meet that.
00:32:50.750 --> 00:32:54.990
And not all of the time, because with kids, shit happens, and sometimes the plans go out the window.
00:32:55.069 --> 00:32:57.069
You know, a child gets sick, a child needs something.
00:32:57.230 --> 00:33:00.669
I'm not talking about not prioritizing them in any way.
00:33:00.990 --> 00:33:05.309
I'm talking about considering yourself so that you are fulfilled.
00:33:06.750 --> 00:33:10.429
Look at how much work and effort goes into making my child happy.
00:33:10.829 --> 00:33:11.710
But what about you?
00:33:11.869 --> 00:33:13.149
What makes you happy?
00:33:16.029 --> 00:33:20.509
And if you say, I I don't know, the only thing that makes me happy is when my child is happy, okay.
00:33:20.589 --> 00:33:22.589
Can you hear the invisibleness in that?
00:33:24.669 --> 00:33:26.589
Can you hear the invisibleness in that?
00:33:26.909 --> 00:33:30.429
And actually how much that is then putting on your child to fulfill you.
00:33:30.750 --> 00:33:32.509
If you could breathe, let's go back to that.
00:33:32.589 --> 00:33:42.109
If you could breathe and you could take time for yourself and you could meet your own need and have fun, what paint the Disney picture for me, I suppose I'm asking.
00:33:42.189 --> 00:33:44.109
What would that look like for you?
00:33:44.429 --> 00:33:58.509
What would if you had a magic wand now with your kids or this weekend with your kids or coming up to Christmas for your kids, like if you had a magic wand and one thing could change right now that would make it so much easier, what would that be?
00:34:00.429 --> 00:34:04.349
What would be the one thing that would make a difference for you?
00:34:04.589 --> 00:34:04.909
Right?
00:34:04.990 --> 00:34:06.429
So this is gonna be about other people.
00:34:06.509 --> 00:34:09.789
Maybe it might be, geez, if I just asked my kid to do something and they do it.
00:34:10.670 --> 00:34:14.269
It might be that, you know, if I ask the small thing, it doesn't turn into a blow-up.
00:34:16.030 --> 00:34:16.670
Yeah.
00:34:17.389 --> 00:34:24.269
If I felt ease within my body and not that actually the shoe is gonna the other shoe is gonna fall off or that something could erupt or harm at any moment.
00:34:24.429 --> 00:34:28.909
Maybe it could be that I leave my house and that I don't feel like I've harmed them.
00:34:29.150 --> 00:34:34.670
Or there, we might put the magic wand on her and say, I wish she was just okay if I left the house.
00:34:35.389 --> 00:34:36.190
What is the thing?
00:34:36.269 --> 00:34:38.190
What is the one that you might tap with your kids?
00:34:38.349 --> 00:34:40.510
What would you, what would you want?
00:34:40.670 --> 00:34:45.389
Where would you rate that pressure, that responsibility on a scale of one to ten?
00:34:45.710 --> 00:34:55.470
One being complete calm and ten being full responsibility for everybody's happiness, for everybody's well-being, especially when we're talking about coming up to Christmas.
00:34:55.630 --> 00:34:58.269
No, like I I feel that intensely.
00:34:58.750 --> 00:35:00.750
Where are you in that scale?
00:35:01.309 --> 00:35:06.990
And I wonder for you, any of you that have done the quiz, for anyone that has done the quiz, where do you notice?
00:35:07.150 --> 00:35:08.269
Where is your baseline?
00:35:08.510 --> 00:35:09.630
We're curious about that.
00:35:09.710 --> 00:35:11.389
What was the baseline of the quiz?
00:35:12.269 --> 00:35:16.110
If I had a magic wand that everyone would be content, I think.
00:35:16.429 --> 00:35:18.429
I feel a lot of that responsibility.
00:35:19.150 --> 00:35:19.469
Okay.
00:35:20.590 --> 00:35:22.509
That's a huge responsibility.
00:35:23.069 --> 00:35:24.429
Because they're content.
00:35:25.789 --> 00:35:36.750
Content sounds like so it's not happiness, but it is the absence of disappointment, fear, worry, anger, sadness, content.
00:35:38.429 --> 00:35:49.150
What if you could feel content when somebody was like when one of your kids was disappointed or angry or upset?
00:35:49.309 --> 00:35:53.630
And when I say content, I mean that there's a peace, that there's an ease.
00:35:54.190 --> 00:35:57.389
Not that fear that you have to fix it or that you're responsible for it.
00:35:57.949 --> 00:36:13.869
But actually that there's a peace and an ease within you that then you can meet it and still be there for them, have empathy for them, but not be filled with that urgency to fix it, to do something, to reassure them.
00:36:14.110 --> 00:36:14.349
Yeah.
00:36:14.509 --> 00:36:22.670
Often what happens when we weren't given any sort of validation, we then can swing the other way and completely over-validate.
00:36:22.829 --> 00:36:23.789
That sounds really bad.
00:36:23.869 --> 00:36:24.750
That sounds really hard.
00:36:24.829 --> 00:36:25.789
Like that sounds awful.
00:36:25.949 --> 00:36:27.469
I wonder how did you feel?
00:36:27.789 --> 00:36:30.349
Because we can't just sit with it.
00:36:30.670 --> 00:36:43.630
And so often then, parents, especially who have come from dysfunction, that constant driving accelerator responsibility, flying by the seat of my pants, just trying to manage the next thing, the next thing, firefighting.
00:36:44.909 --> 00:36:46.509
How do you deal with it?
00:36:47.389 --> 00:36:50.750
And a lot of times it's one day to the next.
00:36:50.829 --> 00:36:51.869
I deal with it in the moment.
00:36:52.029 --> 00:36:53.150
I manage everything.
00:36:53.309 --> 00:37:03.069
And there, a bit like um one of the parents had shared that no, I can I can deal with boundaries well, but I'm not good at meeting my own needs, resting, having fun for myself.
00:37:03.150 --> 00:37:05.069
So at the end of the day, I'm exhausted.
00:37:05.309 --> 00:37:07.230
So I deal with it moment to moment.
00:37:07.309 --> 00:37:09.309
I just manage everything moment to moment.
00:37:09.469 --> 00:37:14.590
I I use whatever tools I can think of in the time, whatever I need to do to manage it.
00:37:15.230 --> 00:37:19.150
I just keep going and going and going, trying not to repeat what I grew up with.
00:37:20.269 --> 00:37:20.590
Yeah.
00:37:20.829 --> 00:37:22.429
Trying to do the opposite of that.
00:37:22.670 --> 00:37:26.590
Or trying to imagine what I would have wanted at that time.
00:37:26.829 --> 00:37:29.309
I wonder how many times you want to avoid it.
00:37:29.789 --> 00:37:30.269
Yeah.
00:37:30.509 --> 00:37:31.549
How how do you cope?
00:37:31.630 --> 00:37:32.989
Do you want to avoid it?
00:37:35.069 --> 00:37:36.909
Often from parents, I even hear whine.
00:37:37.069 --> 00:37:38.429
Whine at the end of the night.
00:37:38.670 --> 00:37:39.309
Yeah.
00:37:40.110 --> 00:37:41.230
It it's a lot.
00:37:41.469 --> 00:37:42.029
It's a lot.
00:37:42.190 --> 00:37:42.670
It's huge.
00:37:42.909 --> 00:37:46.190
But then the same thing happens the next day, the same cycle the next day.
00:37:46.349 --> 00:37:51.949
Because that's all that's all I have been used to operating from that fear, fear, obligation, and guilt.
00:37:52.110 --> 00:37:52.909
That's all I know.
00:37:53.230 --> 00:37:59.710
And again, if I make any mistakes, sidestep from that, there's such fear, fear that I am the bad parent.
00:38:00.829 --> 00:38:02.269
And that is not the case.
00:38:02.509 --> 00:38:06.909
Yes, you can have made mistakes, but this is the body in survival mode.
00:38:07.069 --> 00:38:14.429
This is the purpose of the quiz that I did to find out your level, to find out where you're operating from.
00:38:14.509 --> 00:38:19.069
Because when you're operating from that fear, we feel that inner body.
00:38:19.309 --> 00:38:22.909
We feel that we're on that, we're we're driving from that place.
00:38:23.389 --> 00:38:26.590
And it's exhausting, but it's also all we've ever known.
00:38:26.909 --> 00:38:30.909
It's all we've ever known because I don't know how to put down any of that responsibility.
00:38:30.989 --> 00:38:36.750
Because when I do, I feel guilty and I feel fear that I'm fucking them up and that they're going to feel abandoned and alone and that I'm hurting them.
00:38:36.829 --> 00:38:38.670
And then I feel obligated to fix it and do it.
00:38:38.750 --> 00:38:41.309
So I'm back in the cycle and I can't get out of it.
00:38:41.549 --> 00:38:48.190
No, and you can't, because it is that survival mode and it is what worked for you in childhood.
00:38:48.590 --> 00:38:52.349
So this is asking you to, you know, fix the car without the manual.
00:38:52.509 --> 00:38:55.710
Did you notice when I was talking about the car if something happened and burning out the fuel?
00:38:55.789 --> 00:38:58.029
I don't have the language to know what happened.
00:38:59.150 --> 00:39:00.750
I don't have the language.
00:39:01.150 --> 00:39:02.349
I don't know.
00:39:03.549 --> 00:39:04.190
Yeah.
00:39:06.829 --> 00:39:25.710
I wonder for you what then calm would feel like if you were acting from this place of calm and parenting, if you did trust yourself to say no to your kid, to not be responsible for their feelings if you went for a walk, if you weren't responsible for how they would feel if you watched telly.
00:39:26.349 --> 00:39:28.590
Like what would be the thing that you would do?
00:39:28.750 --> 00:39:30.509
What is the thing you would say no to?
00:39:30.590 --> 00:39:32.029
What would you change?
00:39:33.389 --> 00:39:34.029
Yeah.
00:39:34.909 --> 00:39:36.670
I wonder, do you even know?
00:39:37.469 --> 00:39:41.949
And I mean that with absolutely no blame, shame, or judgment, because this is the invisibleness.
00:39:42.029 --> 00:39:44.670
This is the language that we weren't shown and that we don't know.
00:39:46.349 --> 00:39:46.989
Yeah.
00:39:47.710 --> 00:39:51.710
And so this is this is what I'm talking about when we parent from that space.
00:39:51.949 --> 00:39:55.389
And so many times we just do it so automatically.
00:39:55.789 --> 00:39:58.190
So automatically that we don't know what we're doing.
00:39:58.429 --> 00:40:01.869
And then often the intellectual brain, how many people are familiar with this?
00:40:01.949 --> 00:40:03.389
Yeah, and I did it when I had kids.
00:40:03.469 --> 00:40:08.269
So I tried the the parenting books, the reward charts, setting goals.
00:40:08.509 --> 00:40:14.509
I I oscillated or fluctuated between do they need more discipline or less discipline?
00:40:14.829 --> 00:40:17.549
Do they need more one-on-one time or more family time?
00:40:17.710 --> 00:40:19.069
Like what do they need?
00:40:19.710 --> 00:40:22.190
I used to always over-explain the boundaries.
00:40:22.429 --> 00:40:23.309
Always.
00:40:24.349 --> 00:40:29.469
Because I grew up in a home where it didn't matter, you just do as I do.
00:40:29.710 --> 00:40:30.989
Just do as I say.
00:40:31.469 --> 00:40:34.590
Not as I do, just do as I say, because I said so.
00:40:34.829 --> 00:40:36.670
And that was repeated so much.
00:40:36.909 --> 00:40:52.190
So now even the thoughts, if I wanted to say, because it is that way, such fear that I was being like them, because I couldn't find this balance, which I did, find this balance, that no, I'm I'm able to say, no, I said no, I've already answered that.
00:40:52.509 --> 00:40:54.029
Asked and answered.
00:40:54.509 --> 00:41:01.069
And this is why I think so many of the, you know, when, well, I don't know if you used to do this, but I know that I do.
00:41:01.230 --> 00:41:09.949
Um when I used to watch the parenting videos, and there was somebody that had that like perfect answer to the child, that in the child the moment had that thing.
00:41:10.029 --> 00:41:15.630
So let's say in that example, your child is asking you, no, please, and then the answer is asked and answered.
00:41:15.789 --> 00:41:18.829
And so if the child pushes back again, asked and answered.
00:41:18.989 --> 00:41:19.309
Yeah.
00:41:19.389 --> 00:41:23.309
And then, oh, I'm gonna save that video and I'm gonna use that because that's the line that I need.
00:41:23.710 --> 00:41:30.029
But that line is not taken into consideration our nervous system and where we are on this level.
00:41:30.269 --> 00:41:30.670
Yeah.
00:41:30.829 --> 00:41:36.429
Let me share my screen here when I'm talking about thermometer, because these are the three things that I want you to take away today.
00:41:36.509 --> 00:41:40.349
And anybody that has taken the quiz will be familiar with this one.
00:41:40.509 --> 00:41:41.549
So let me share.
00:41:41.789 --> 00:41:45.389
So this is what I'm talking about with the level of whatever you're holding.
00:41:45.630 --> 00:41:56.269
And I wonder even if there's a difference coming up to uh this part of the way in this course when you have been able to identify maybe some of your needs or how those needs aren't being met.
00:41:56.509 --> 00:42:01.789
I wonder when you came on first and you're talking about all the responsibility and the expectation and the rules.
00:42:02.029 --> 00:42:05.949
I wonder where on that level are you feeling the responsibility?
00:42:06.349 --> 00:42:08.349
And I wonder if it's changed at all.
00:42:08.590 --> 00:42:09.869
It might not have.
00:42:10.909 --> 00:42:18.670
Most people are so familiar with operating on a space of five to six, borderline but still in control.
00:42:18.909 --> 00:42:19.869
I can manage everything.
00:42:20.029 --> 00:42:26.190
I'll manage the next shit show, I'll manage the next boundary, I'll manage the next row, I'll manage the next dinner, I'll manage the next run.
00:42:26.349 --> 00:42:28.110
I don't know how I'm gonna do any more after that.
00:42:28.190 --> 00:42:32.989
But if I just get to the end of the day, or if I just get to tomorrow and I'm just managing and I'm coping.
00:42:34.349 --> 00:42:41.309
But now in the for the quiz, I use that analogy that our nervous system is like how much smoke we're holding.
00:42:42.029 --> 00:42:45.630
And then how much it's just gonna tape then for us to reach the 10.
00:42:45.869 --> 00:42:48.190
A lot of people think the 10 then is explode.
00:42:48.269 --> 00:42:54.110
And in this one, for the because this is directly from the course, this one is about anger to notice our anger and our frustration.
00:42:54.349 --> 00:43:01.630
But when I'm talking about this in what I do in the cam parent, up here on the eight, nine, 10, this is when I lose it.
00:43:01.869 --> 00:43:05.230
This is when I go into then one of my four F's.
00:43:05.869 --> 00:43:13.710
This is when I do either fight and become that volcano, that drill sergeant, that I shout, stop doing that thing, or what did you do to him?
00:43:13.789 --> 00:43:15.150
And I'm really angry.
00:43:15.630 --> 00:43:19.469
Or this is when I'll absolutely phone and give in and be the pushover and peace Kimber.
00:43:19.630 --> 00:43:21.469
Okay, okay, just whatever you want.
00:43:21.549 --> 00:43:22.190
Yeah.
00:43:22.670 --> 00:43:31.869
What a lot of parents notice in the CAM parent is that they operate from a place of fun that I consider everybody else all the time.
00:43:32.029 --> 00:43:33.389
So my default is fun.
00:43:33.789 --> 00:43:36.909
And then if I escalate, I can go into the fighter.
00:43:37.230 --> 00:43:44.590
But I actually don't know what it feels like to have any sort of cam, any sort of peace, to be in any way below a five.
00:43:45.309 --> 00:43:48.029
For some people, that part when they go to lose it, right?
00:43:48.110 --> 00:43:55.230
That seven, eight, nine, ten, it can absolutely be the shutdown, the collapse, the freeze.
00:43:55.949 --> 00:43:58.429
And now I can have low or no motivation.
00:43:58.590 --> 00:44:00.909
I don't want to get up, I don't want to do the thing.
00:44:01.230 --> 00:44:05.789
The fleer is a constant go, go, go, go, go, disappear, workaholic, busy.
00:44:07.069 --> 00:44:11.230
I'm wondering how many of you recognize this or are familiar with this.
00:44:12.590 --> 00:44:15.389
Are familiar with being in this, the four F's.
00:44:16.349 --> 00:44:19.869
Because this is what I want you to take away from with this.
00:44:20.829 --> 00:44:27.789
To be able to recognize and consider you, to be able to check where you are.
00:44:29.469 --> 00:44:32.909
In the CAM method, this is 100% okay.
00:44:33.150 --> 00:44:33.869
It is important.
00:44:34.029 --> 00:44:35.630
We can't change what we're not aware of.
00:44:35.789 --> 00:44:38.509
We can't change if we're not aware by those invisible rules.
00:44:38.670 --> 00:44:43.869
We can't change if we're not aware of the unrealistic expectations that we're carrying.
00:44:44.029 --> 00:44:46.110
And a lot of people know this logically, right?
00:44:46.190 --> 00:44:52.029
Because I wonder all those expectations that you put on you, what would you think if your friend was carrying them?
00:44:52.829 --> 00:45:02.110
If they said that their child could never be upset or disappointed, because that would mean that they were a terrible parent, that they had failed, and that their child was traumatized.
00:45:02.349 --> 00:45:11.549
I wonder if that was a friend that said, I can't leave the house, because it means That I'm really cruel or selfish, that if I don't care about my daughter, have an anxiety.
00:45:12.670 --> 00:45:12.909
Yeah.
00:45:13.150 --> 00:45:16.190
I wonder what emotions you would have to feel towards them.
00:45:16.349 --> 00:45:16.509
Yeah.
00:45:16.590 --> 00:45:19.069
Somebody said it'd be impossible if they held all that.
00:45:20.110 --> 00:45:22.909
So look at the empathy that you have for them.
00:45:23.150 --> 00:45:26.029
And this is the part, this is the disconnect, right?
00:45:26.269 --> 00:45:28.989
I know this thing logically, but I don't feel it.
00:45:29.309 --> 00:45:32.349
And I don't feel it because I've been trained to do something different.
00:45:32.509 --> 00:45:36.110
And I'm operating from those four F's fight, flight, freeze, phone.
00:45:36.349 --> 00:45:40.349
I operate on that that my baseline is a five or a six.
00:45:40.590 --> 00:45:43.230
Or higher, a seven or eight, or a nine or a ten.
00:45:43.789 --> 00:45:46.429
And anyone that did that quiz, I say it in the email.
00:45:46.829 --> 00:45:49.309
This does not mean that this is your fixed day forever.
00:45:49.549 --> 00:46:01.549
It can feel very different if you do it on a week where, let's say, coming up to Christmas, where there is higher stress, higher responsibility, you might know, notice that you are up at a seven or eight.
00:46:01.869 --> 00:46:06.829
That doesn't mean that on another week, maybe after Christmas, that that might go down to a six or seven.
00:46:07.549 --> 00:46:13.069
What the questions are designed to do is to find out what your baseline is, what you're operating from.
00:46:13.389 --> 00:46:16.349
Because then we're talking about reducing it.
00:46:16.750 --> 00:46:23.389
And often when I say to people about reducing it, they want to go, yeah, get me down to the zero or the one.
00:46:24.110 --> 00:46:29.869
Whereas this is like if you were at a six, what would it look like to be a 5.8?
00:46:30.750 --> 00:46:33.389
What would it look like to be a 5.5?
00:46:35.389 --> 00:46:38.190
Can you feel a few of them at times?
00:46:38.429 --> 00:46:40.110
Do we tend to be just one?
00:46:40.750 --> 00:46:47.389
In the four F's, the fight, flight, freeze, phone, often what happens is that we're typically an amalgamation of two.
00:46:47.549 --> 00:46:51.549
It's rare that we are just in one, although that can happen.
00:46:51.710 --> 00:46:56.269
So often our default is two that worked for us in childhood.
00:46:56.429 --> 00:47:08.989
And at times, you might, if you're up at a seven or eight, you might want to in that moment, yes, keep the peace and just give in, but you might also be really angry and just want them to stop the thing and that's enough.
00:47:09.230 --> 00:47:12.429
So you might be conflicted because you want to do both.
00:47:12.909 --> 00:47:19.309
And it's not even about the behavior that you want to do, although this is the thing that most parents beat themselves up over.
00:47:19.549 --> 00:47:26.190
What I do the work in the course is actually to notice that feeling, that adrenaline, and where is the fear?
00:47:26.429 --> 00:47:31.710
Because until we're able to identify the fear and deconstruct that fear.
00:47:31.789 --> 00:47:43.069
So all those invisible rules that you were talking about there, all those invisible rules and those expectations, until we're able to identify the fear, we're still gonna operate from them.
00:47:43.150 --> 00:47:56.349
Because if I go for a walk and I'm still fueled with the belief and the fear that I am fucking up my child and that they are gonna be traumatized, you can't convince me now to go for a walk that this is a good thing if I believe that I'm gonna traumatize my child after this.
00:47:56.590 --> 00:48:00.429
Already I can feel actually my legs, I'm already up at a seven or eight at the thoughts.
00:48:00.509 --> 00:48:03.710
If I have to walk out the door and I'm gonna traumatize my child.
00:48:31.789 --> 00:48:33.869
It's simple, but it's not easy to do.
00:48:34.110 --> 00:48:34.909
To catch.
00:48:35.150 --> 00:48:40.110
Catch your number, check where you are, because it's important to know which one you go to, right?
00:48:40.269 --> 00:48:41.230
The behavior.
00:48:41.469 --> 00:48:43.230
And then we're talking about stop.
00:48:43.949 --> 00:48:46.269
Stop and not throw petrol on the fire.
00:48:46.509 --> 00:48:54.349
Because when you are up in that seven, eight, nine, yeah, especially the eight or nine, you are not rational in that moment.
00:48:54.590 --> 00:48:59.150
You are in fight, flight, freezer, phone, and you are going to go to your default.
00:48:59.710 --> 00:49:04.029
And so this is about checking, checking where you are to stop.
00:49:04.269 --> 00:49:06.349
And that sounds easier said than done.
00:49:06.590 --> 00:49:13.469
Because when you're talking about running with the responsibility that you are carrying, you are already not stopping.
00:49:13.789 --> 00:49:17.630
You are already carrying the weight of that, and it's and it's exhausting.
00:49:17.789 --> 00:49:20.750
And you are you are noticing that exhaustion.
00:49:21.949 --> 00:49:22.590
Yeah.
00:49:23.949 --> 00:49:25.469
That is what happens.
00:49:25.630 --> 00:49:27.630
That is where the exhaustion is coming from.
00:49:27.789 --> 00:49:38.750
And I wonder even now when you're hearing this, if you are actually noticing that exhaustion in your body, because this is the place then that I'm talking about that you get to operate from a place from.
00:49:39.469 --> 00:49:40.110
Yeah.
00:49:50.029 --> 00:49:50.829
The course that I got.
00:49:50.909 --> 00:50:00.110
I did a uh message on this today, and there were two from the most recent course that I ran, and one was that this has been tremendous and changing my parenting.
00:50:00.190 --> 00:50:02.909
I'm winning every day and rarely shout at all anymore.
00:50:03.069 --> 00:50:06.110
This course may have just saved our family and me.
00:50:06.269 --> 00:50:07.309
Thank you so much.
00:50:07.549 --> 00:50:09.389
I just want to say thank you for the parent course.
00:50:09.469 --> 00:50:13.469
I feel like I've gotten more out of the past six or seven weeks than the years I've spent in counseling.
00:50:14.349 --> 00:50:24.190
This is what I think is different about this course because this is centering you and this is centering your fear and getting you in small steps, in small ways.
00:50:24.349 --> 00:50:25.630
So doors are open today.
00:50:25.789 --> 00:50:28.190
They're going to be open for two weeks, they're closed on November 5th.
00:50:28.349 --> 00:50:32.110
For anybody that joins, and when I say today, it's open for these two weeks.
00:50:32.269 --> 00:50:34.349
You get the extra two weeks with me.
00:50:34.590 --> 00:50:37.549
I am there to be there to answer your questions.
00:50:37.710 --> 00:50:40.110
I am there to support you as something is happening.
00:50:40.269 --> 00:50:42.750
I am there then on the Wednesdays to answer your calls.
00:50:42.829 --> 00:50:45.630
So instead of six calls, you'll get six, eight calls.
00:50:45.789 --> 00:50:57.230
So if you were to join today, you get to watch week one, which is so, although they're the three slides that I showed you, it is also getting you to connect with what regulated looks like.
00:50:58.029 --> 00:50:59.389
What does that feel like?
00:50:59.549 --> 00:51:07.150
Today is about awareness, trying to identify what dysregulation looks like, what urgency looks like, what your number is, right?
00:51:07.230 --> 00:51:24.670
So if you're able to take away today what your number is, what your invisible rules are, what those expectations are, where you're operating from, if you're able to identify what needs you aren't meeting, that is huge.
00:51:24.989 --> 00:51:28.509
But that awareness does then not create change.
00:51:28.750 --> 00:51:34.349
What creates change is then having something tangible to do different.
00:51:34.590 --> 00:51:39.389
And so in week one, oh, there's a I took Katie's course and it was uh tremendous.
00:51:39.549 --> 00:51:40.590
Brilliant, thank you.
00:51:40.829 --> 00:51:44.989
It is in recognizing all the ways when we are dysregulated.
00:51:45.469 --> 00:51:48.509
And then I ask you, well, what does regulated look like?
00:51:48.750 --> 00:51:50.110
What does that feel like?
00:51:50.349 --> 00:51:52.509
When are you in this space?
00:51:53.230 --> 00:51:55.309
What does that feel like in your body?
00:51:55.549 --> 00:51:58.429
And most people can describe this, but they don't know this.
00:51:59.630 --> 00:52:03.789
Somebody else had shared, I thought I was signing up to a course that would help me control my emotions.
00:52:03.949 --> 00:52:09.549
I absolutely did not expect that those heightened emotions would no longer be part of my everyday life.
00:52:10.269 --> 00:52:16.429
Because I was able to stay more calm for the majority of the time, regulated, safe.
00:52:16.590 --> 00:52:18.750
I wasn't operating on fear.
00:52:19.549 --> 00:52:25.869
And for most people, this sounds um far-fetched or unrealistic because I've never felt like that before.
00:52:26.110 --> 00:52:31.230
And that's because I think a lot of parenting courses don't take into consideration the nervous system of the parent.
00:52:31.309 --> 00:52:39.150
They give the strategies, say this, do this, but they don't take into the fears that are driving the behavior in the first place.
00:52:39.710 --> 00:52:40.349
Yeah.
00:52:41.230 --> 00:52:53.789
So I want you to imagine what it would be like for you if your children's behavior, if your children's emotions no longer hijacked your nervous system and ruled your behavior.
00:52:54.029 --> 00:52:55.549
Because that's what you're talking about.
00:52:55.789 --> 00:52:58.029
Somebody asked me already, how do we sign up for your course?
00:52:58.190 --> 00:52:58.829
It's on my website.
00:52:58.909 --> 00:53:00.029
I'm gonna I'll put the link in.
00:53:00.110 --> 00:53:01.309
It and it and it's open now.
00:53:01.389 --> 00:53:03.549
So if you join now, you will have week one to watch.
00:53:03.710 --> 00:53:08.590
Most people ask me, like, well, what if I don't have time because they are so busy figuring out for everyone else?
00:53:08.829 --> 00:53:10.909
The courses, the content is recorded.
00:53:10.989 --> 00:53:12.509
So each week a new one drops.
00:53:12.670 --> 00:53:14.829
Each week for the six weeks, the new one drops.
00:53:15.069 --> 00:53:23.549
And the reason I do that, because is so many people, when we are in this trauma response, it's like, let me binge it all, let me watch it all, and then I'll know what to do.
00:53:23.630 --> 00:53:25.230
Whereas what happens is overwhelm.
00:53:25.389 --> 00:53:34.829
Whereas at the end of each week, I have skills, three skills for you to change, three skills for you to work on that I am there to help you with then during the week.
00:53:34.989 --> 00:53:36.989
And there's the weekly calls.
00:53:37.389 --> 00:53:39.389
So, yeah, what would that feel like to you?
00:53:39.549 --> 00:53:40.829
Genuinely, I'm asking you that.
00:53:40.989 --> 00:53:47.789
What would that sound like to you if your children's emotions didn't hijack your whole body?
00:53:48.429 --> 00:54:01.309
If they're upset didn't hijack your whole body that you had to fix it, if their disappointment didn't ruin your day and make you feel like you were a terrible mother, if that didn't hijack your nervous system?
00:54:02.590 --> 00:54:06.509
What would it feel like if you didn't have to rush and fix their emotions?
00:54:06.670 --> 00:54:10.349
And I'm not talking about the opposite of that, being callous and uncaring.
00:54:10.590 --> 00:54:14.750
I'm talking about you being considerate and having empathy.
00:54:14.909 --> 00:54:18.829
Of course, you're gonna have empathy if your child is fearful you leave in the house.
00:54:19.150 --> 00:54:21.230
But what does this mean if you never leave the house?
00:54:21.389 --> 00:54:22.829
What does that mean for them?
00:54:23.069 --> 00:54:27.549
How are they ever going to learn to have any tolerance?
00:54:28.110 --> 00:54:29.710
And this is not a black and white.
00:54:29.789 --> 00:54:33.469
This does not mean that, okay, now you're gonna sign up for the course and you're gonna leave the house on day one.
00:54:33.630 --> 00:54:35.549
This is not, this is a shift in you.
00:54:35.789 --> 00:54:39.389
So many parents, um, when I won the course, their children are neurodivergent.
00:54:39.630 --> 00:54:47.469
There's either ADHD, autism, PDA profiles, and there, PDA profile for anybody are people familiar with what a PDA profile is?
00:54:47.710 --> 00:54:51.309
Pathological demand avoidance or persistent drive for autonomy.
00:54:51.389 --> 00:54:53.389
I prefer the latter, persistent drive for autonomy.
00:54:53.469 --> 00:54:58.029
And on the week when we're doing communication, I talk about this a lot more because I do talk about the language.
00:54:58.190 --> 00:55:03.789
But I talk about us owning the language and not, there is such a part where we have to give them choice.
00:55:04.029 --> 00:55:09.389
It's huge in terms of any child to give them choice, but not to give them the full responsibility.
00:55:09.549 --> 00:55:26.509
Because there, that example, if we're leaving to go for a walk and our child is anxious, but now we're anxious that they're anxious, yeah, how can we separate out our nervous system, have empathy for them, but still be able to meet our own need and trust that damage is not occurring.
00:55:26.829 --> 00:55:31.230
Trust, and I mean genuinely trust and know that they are safe.
00:55:31.949 --> 00:55:34.190
That they are safe, not that they're not upset.
00:55:34.509 --> 00:55:34.750
Yeah.
00:55:34.909 --> 00:55:42.349
In the same way when our little baby, if you ever had to go for work and they were being babysat, yeah, and you were leaving them in the care of somebody else.
00:55:43.309 --> 00:55:43.630
Yeah.
00:55:43.869 --> 00:55:51.469
I'm not saying that this is going to be easy, but I am talking about being able to help and literally have a path for this in the course.
00:55:52.750 --> 00:56:02.590
Imagine if you were able to stay calm and and recover quickly after a shit show and not parent from that guilt or that shame.
00:56:03.069 --> 00:56:03.389
Yeah.
00:56:03.549 --> 00:56:05.630
Because you will make mistakes because you're human.
00:56:06.829 --> 00:56:11.309
Imagine if you get to hold boundaries, and when I say calm, I mean regulated.
00:56:11.869 --> 00:56:16.029
That it isn't exhausting, that you're not exhausted at the end of the day going to bed.
00:56:16.670 --> 00:56:19.230
Imagine actually having energy at the end of the day.
00:56:19.469 --> 00:56:20.989
And this is possible, by the way.
00:56:21.069 --> 00:56:23.230
This is not Disneyland fairy bullshit.
00:56:23.309 --> 00:56:24.110
This is possible.
00:56:24.269 --> 00:56:32.429
And it's not saying that there's not going to be difficult times, but imagine if the majority of the time that there was more ease, more fun.
00:56:33.949 --> 00:56:48.349
Imagine you being able to and willing to recognize your own needs and asking for that support if needed, but recognize the difference between when you're asking for help rather than when it's somebody else's responsibility.
00:56:48.750 --> 00:56:52.909
Again, this is often where people come in and they're really scared that they're parentifying their child.
00:56:53.069 --> 00:56:56.190
Your children get to have responsibilities.
00:56:57.309 --> 00:57:04.590
Imagine being able to access this part, the one to five, more easily and it becomes more naturally.
00:57:05.150 --> 00:57:09.789
And not because you're forcing it, but because your system is allowing it.
00:57:11.069 --> 00:57:13.869
What does the thoughts of that sound like?
00:57:14.269 --> 00:57:17.630
Bridget, our house is genuinely a different place since doing it.
00:57:17.789 --> 00:57:22.029
And Alisa, I'm sincere when I say my husband and I have repeatedly said this is the best parenting course.
00:57:22.110 --> 00:57:24.190
We've paid for it, it was absolutely fabulous.
00:57:24.349 --> 00:57:27.949
I don't panic and let my anger rise in situations anymore.
00:57:28.190 --> 00:57:30.670
Sarah, our home is getting calmer every day.
00:57:30.909 --> 00:57:38.509
Anonymous, I feel stronger in myself and my parenting choices and able to communicate the choices without the sense that I need to defend myself.
00:57:38.750 --> 00:57:44.590
Nicola, I appreciate some of our parenting challenges came from having a child with additional needs, but your guidance has been invaluable.
00:57:44.829 --> 00:57:49.389
Simply knowing what is normal and what isn't with parenting makes a huge difference.
00:57:49.549 --> 00:57:52.909
And that part about guilt versus shame has been a game changer for me.
00:57:52.989 --> 00:57:59.230
And knowing that I don't have to fix everything for them and they won't be traumatized, they'll actually be able to function better.
00:57:59.869 --> 00:58:01.949
That part of, oh, am I actually allowed?
00:58:02.110 --> 00:58:03.949
Am I allowed to go for a walk?
00:58:04.269 --> 00:58:06.269
And and might my child being upset?
00:58:06.349 --> 00:58:07.789
And is that okay?
00:58:08.590 --> 00:58:11.309
Are you telling me that that means that I'm not traumatizing them?
00:58:11.549 --> 00:58:13.469
I'm not being really mean and selfish.
00:58:14.110 --> 00:58:14.750
Yeah.
00:58:15.469 --> 00:58:18.429
If you believe that, how does that feel in your body?
00:58:21.309 --> 00:58:24.110
Often what I hear from parents is that I don't have the time.
00:58:24.989 --> 00:58:30.429
That is one of the reasons because initially when I used to run it, it was each week, it was two hours and I was teaching it to you.
00:58:30.509 --> 00:58:31.789
Now I've recorded it.
00:58:32.029 --> 00:58:34.190
It is there you get to watch it in your own time.
00:58:34.349 --> 00:58:36.110
You get to interact in the chat.
00:58:36.269 --> 00:58:37.309
I am in the group.
00:58:37.549 --> 00:58:42.110
I'm in the group and I am there and I am very active in the group for the times where I run the course.
00:58:42.349 --> 00:58:44.509
This is not about taking time from you.
00:58:44.590 --> 00:58:47.069
It's actually about giving time back to you.
00:58:47.230 --> 00:58:48.590
It's about having more time.
00:58:48.750 --> 00:58:51.309
It's about having ease in your body.
00:58:51.469 --> 00:58:51.949
Yeah.
00:58:52.190 --> 00:58:54.349
So you can you can listen back.
00:58:54.670 --> 00:58:57.150
You can watch and repeat it.
00:58:57.389 --> 00:58:57.789
Yeah.
00:58:58.029 --> 00:58:59.389
You can write down.
00:59:00.429 --> 00:59:02.509
There's no wrong way to do this, is what I'm saying.
00:59:02.670 --> 00:59:03.469
There's no wrong way.
00:59:03.630 --> 00:59:05.710
And if you can't make a live, it is there.
00:59:05.869 --> 00:59:07.230
It is there for you to watch back.
00:59:07.389 --> 00:59:11.150
And you can participate loudly and or quietly, a bit like this masterclass.
00:59:11.309 --> 00:59:15.869
You can really participate, be involved, or you can sit back and watch.
00:59:16.110 --> 00:59:17.549
You can take breaks.
00:59:17.869 --> 00:59:19.869
This isn't a pass or fail experience.
00:59:20.029 --> 00:59:21.949
It's not about doing more and trying harder.
00:59:22.110 --> 00:59:23.230
That is the urgency.
00:59:23.389 --> 00:59:24.190
That is the part.
00:59:24.349 --> 00:59:31.710
And that genuinely is the part when people are selling courses that they want you to act on.
00:59:32.029 --> 00:59:36.590
I am trying to work the other way with this.
00:59:36.829 --> 00:59:40.110
And that is why, even that there is no pressure to sign up today.
00:59:40.349 --> 00:59:44.110
If you don't want to do this, if you got something from this course today, I'm delighted.
00:59:44.190 --> 01:00:04.110
If you have been able to see those invisible rules, if you've been able to identify some needs, if you've been able to check in with yourself, know your number, if you've been able to identify that fight or flight, if you've been able to identify even that the expectations are unrealistic, because that's the bit that we caught ourselves with.
01:00:04.190 --> 01:00:05.710
No, this is this is doable.
01:00:06.829 --> 01:00:10.029
And even if it is doable, but at what cost to you?
01:00:10.590 --> 01:00:11.789
At what cost?
01:00:12.590 --> 01:00:12.989
Yeah.
01:00:13.230 --> 01:00:16.989
And I wonder how many of you are feeling that and and and connecting to that.
01:00:17.230 --> 01:00:30.349
Some of the questions that I get from parents that it's, you know, well, if it's not bad all the time, if I can manage it all the time, if I if I'm only going to bed exhausted, if I manage to stay at home and actually don't upset my child, like it's it's fine if it's not bad all the time.
01:00:30.750 --> 01:00:34.829
And I want to say to you that it doesn't have to be all the time for it to matter.
01:00:35.710 --> 01:00:41.069
If there's times when you are overwhelmed, reacted, disconnected from yourself, that's enough.
01:00:41.710 --> 01:00:43.949
You are still deserving of support.
01:00:44.829 --> 01:00:50.670
And the biggest one I get, the biggest fear from people not wanting to take this further, is they're scared.
01:00:50.750 --> 01:00:52.509
Well, what if I realize I am the problem?
01:00:54.429 --> 01:00:56.110
What if I realize that it's me?
01:00:56.670 --> 01:00:58.750
What if I'm scared that I am fucking up my kids?
01:00:58.909 --> 01:01:01.230
What if I'm scared that I have harmed them?
01:01:02.029 --> 01:01:12.909
And I'm gonna ask you if if that is true, if that is true and and you're not aware of that and you keep doing that, I wonder what's gonna happen there.
01:01:15.069 --> 01:01:29.710
For parents that are on this call that have lasted this long, for parents that even sign up that are watching this back, for parents that care of the impact of their kid, I often hear for you know, people say, Oh, well, you're not a narcissist if you question, are you narcissistic?
01:01:30.269 --> 01:01:39.869
I I don't think that's true, but I ask you, and next question to that, how would you feel if you were harming your kids or hurting your kids?
01:01:40.029 --> 01:01:41.630
How would you feel about that?
01:01:42.269 --> 01:01:47.389
And that is where there's empathy, and somebody's heart breaks and they say, This would be awful.
01:01:47.630 --> 01:01:50.590
I would not want to do that and I would do something about it.
01:01:50.989 --> 01:01:52.670
Distraught, yeah.
01:01:53.469 --> 01:01:56.190
That is not the narcissistic parents' reaction.
01:01:56.429 --> 01:01:57.869
And all of you might know this.
01:01:58.029 --> 01:02:01.789
What does the narcissist do when the child brings to them and says, You hurt me?
01:02:02.029 --> 01:02:05.069
That was hurtful, that's a problem, I don't want you to do that.
01:02:06.110 --> 01:02:15.150
They become so defensive, and one or two is either play the victim, how could you say that about me, and after all I've done for you, or they become uh reactive, more overt.
01:02:15.710 --> 01:02:16.029
Yeah.
01:02:16.190 --> 01:02:17.150
How could you say that to me?
01:02:17.230 --> 01:02:18.029
Blame, shame.
01:02:18.190 --> 01:02:19.710
That's wrong, that never happened.
01:02:20.509 --> 01:02:22.190
So this part, it's the empathy.
01:02:22.269 --> 01:02:23.789
The narcissist doesn't have it.
01:02:24.029 --> 01:02:25.389
Because you're gonna make mistakes.
01:02:25.549 --> 01:02:26.269
I have four kids.
01:02:26.429 --> 01:02:27.309
Have I made mistakes?
01:02:27.469 --> 01:02:27.710
Yes.
01:02:27.869 --> 01:02:28.509
Do I do it?
01:02:28.750 --> 01:02:29.389
Yes.
01:02:29.949 --> 01:02:30.269
Yeah.
01:02:30.509 --> 01:02:32.029
Do my kids get to talk to me about it?
01:02:32.110 --> 01:02:32.349
Yes.
01:02:32.429 --> 01:02:33.069
Do they tell me?
01:02:33.230 --> 01:02:34.269
Hell yes.
01:02:34.509 --> 01:02:35.469
Do I work on it?
01:02:35.630 --> 01:02:35.949
Yes.
01:02:36.190 --> 01:02:40.989
This is not about perfect parenting, but this is about having so much more ease.
01:02:41.069 --> 01:02:42.509
And do I have so much more ease?
01:02:42.750 --> 01:02:43.389
Yes.
01:02:43.710 --> 01:02:45.230
Are my evenings easier?
01:02:45.389 --> 01:02:46.670
Do the kids go to bed?
01:02:46.909 --> 01:02:49.469
Do they listen to what the what they're told?
01:02:49.710 --> 01:02:51.309
Is there so much less rows?
01:02:51.630 --> 01:02:59.869
Now, is there still times when there is a row, when one of them has a problem, where there is a disruption, where there is sibling uh arguments?
01:03:00.110 --> 01:03:00.590
Yes.
01:03:00.909 --> 01:03:02.909
Is there times that that can erupt?
01:03:03.150 --> 01:03:03.789
Yes.
01:03:04.750 --> 01:03:07.389
Are they fewer and far between?
01:03:07.549 --> 01:03:07.869
Yes.
01:03:08.029 --> 01:03:15.630
And then afterwards, am I able to shorten that time frame that I can restore that calm and that ease in the house?
01:03:15.869 --> 01:03:16.509
Yes.
01:03:17.230 --> 01:03:22.190
And that's because I am able to notice my reactions and I stop.
01:03:22.349 --> 01:03:23.069
And I stop.
01:03:23.309 --> 01:03:32.509
The last time I ran this masterclass, I tell I told this story of when my eldest at the time had braces and he wouldn't go to a dentist appointment, and he flat out refused.
01:03:32.829 --> 01:03:36.989
And my anger being up at an eight or a nine, I was so mad.
01:03:37.150 --> 01:03:47.389
Not that he was even refusing to go, but at the disrespect that I believed from my values that he was showing the dentist, the orthodontist.
01:03:47.949 --> 01:03:52.989
And I was so angry that at that time all I could do was stop.
01:03:53.150 --> 01:03:56.750
Because if I spoke to him, I was just going to let it all out.
01:03:57.069 --> 01:03:59.549
And that does not mean that that's passive parenting.
01:03:59.710 --> 01:04:01.389
That means that I re-engaged.
01:04:01.469 --> 01:04:09.949
I tried to do it the next day, but when he was still defending himself and making excuses, and I was going, no, I can I can't talk about this now because I'm just going to say things.
01:04:10.029 --> 01:04:10.269
Yeah.
01:04:10.590 --> 01:04:12.829
I'm going to take the PlayStation off you for six months.
01:04:12.989 --> 01:04:14.909
Like, you know, I'm not cal enough.
01:04:15.150 --> 01:04:16.670
I'm not cal enough to talk about it.
01:04:16.829 --> 01:04:21.230
And I don't think you realize actually the consequences of your behavior.
01:04:21.469 --> 01:04:22.670
I don't think you're noticing it.
01:04:22.750 --> 01:04:24.670
So we'll talk about this again tomorrow.
01:04:24.989 --> 01:04:26.190
And that started with this.
01:04:26.349 --> 01:04:27.630
What seems so simple, stop.
01:04:27.869 --> 01:04:29.469
How simple does that seem?
01:04:30.029 --> 01:04:31.630
It is not simple.
01:04:31.869 --> 01:04:33.389
It is not simple to follow that.
01:04:33.469 --> 01:04:38.349
And it is not simple to change that fear unless you have steps.
01:04:38.429 --> 01:04:42.029
And week one, week one is about being able to implement that.
01:04:42.110 --> 01:04:43.069
And that is the foundation.
01:04:43.150 --> 01:04:46.909
Because if you can't implement them, you can't implement the rest of the weeks.
01:04:46.989 --> 01:04:52.110
The rest of the weeks, week two then is about what we can accept, where we have to let go of our expectations.
01:04:52.590 --> 01:04:54.670
One of mine was around dinner times.
01:04:54.829 --> 01:04:58.349
I had such an expectation that this was going to be lovely, enjoyable.
01:04:58.429 --> 01:05:02.029
We were all going to converse and have this wonderful experience.
01:05:02.590 --> 01:05:06.190
The reality of that, I had to put down that expectation that was unrealistic.
01:05:06.349 --> 01:05:11.389
And I had to really change and tap in that actually, then what do I want?
01:05:11.789 --> 01:05:13.949
Do I I I want my kids to have fun?
01:05:14.110 --> 01:05:15.630
I want them to be heard.
01:05:15.949 --> 01:05:18.029
I used to think that it would be so peaceful.
01:05:18.190 --> 01:05:20.829
And then I was getting agitated with that.
01:05:21.630 --> 01:05:22.269
Yeah.
01:05:22.750 --> 01:05:25.630
So there's three ways to join for somebody that it was asking.
01:05:25.789 --> 01:05:26.670
I'm going to put the link in.
01:05:26.829 --> 01:05:30.590
And it just depends on how much of me that you want in this.
01:05:30.829 --> 01:05:33.150
The access to the course, you have that forever.
01:05:33.389 --> 01:05:34.349
That is forever.
01:05:34.509 --> 01:05:36.509
This is so when you join, it's actually an app.
01:05:36.670 --> 01:05:40.670
You get the app on your phone and you get the access to the course forever.
01:05:40.909 --> 01:05:44.110
It's the so if you join today, it's the eight weeks.
01:05:44.190 --> 01:05:46.829
It's then the support that you will only have that for the eight weeks.
01:05:46.909 --> 01:05:47.869
So it's within the system.
01:05:48.029 --> 01:05:49.469
I don't send it out over Zoom.
01:05:49.630 --> 01:05:55.389
When you click into that app, like you have access to the lives on the Wednesday, you have access to the chat.
01:05:55.549 --> 01:05:57.150
Yeah, I love lifelong access.
01:05:57.309 --> 01:05:58.269
I think it's so important.
01:05:58.429 --> 01:06:01.630
And again, it's the opposite of that urgency that you have to do all this now.
01:06:01.789 --> 01:06:06.670
So the three ways in, if anybody's clicking on that link, if you look, so the one is the solo option.
01:06:06.829 --> 01:06:10.590
That's 479, or you can split that by three payments of 165.
01:06:10.829 --> 01:06:12.670
And that is just access to the course.
01:06:12.829 --> 01:06:19.869
And so that drops each week from week one, which is how to identify and be more regulated.
01:06:20.029 --> 01:06:20.750
What does that look like?
01:06:20.829 --> 01:06:22.190
The three skills at the end.
01:06:22.349 --> 01:06:22.590
Yeah.
01:06:22.829 --> 01:06:26.750
Week two is about looking at this in terms of what do I need to accept?
01:06:26.909 --> 01:06:28.590
Where do I have unrealistic expectations?
01:06:28.750 --> 01:06:30.029
What do I need to let go of, right?
01:06:30.110 --> 01:06:30.989
Because it's pulling the rope.
01:06:31.069 --> 01:06:32.670
How do I let go of the rope?
01:06:33.069 --> 01:06:35.069
Week three is about limits.
01:06:35.230 --> 01:06:36.670
That's the one people want January first.
01:06:36.909 --> 01:06:38.190
Where's the boundaries and the limits?
01:06:38.349 --> 01:06:43.150
But unless we're able to recognize our own nervous system, we can't impose those limits.
01:06:43.469 --> 01:06:44.989
Four is about communication.
01:06:45.150 --> 01:06:49.789
And it's about communication in terms of where are we given so much power over to our kids?
01:06:49.949 --> 01:06:53.069
And where can we have trust in ourselves in that?
01:06:53.549 --> 01:06:53.869
Yeah.
01:06:54.029 --> 01:06:55.710
Week five is about empathy.
01:06:55.869 --> 01:06:58.029
And this is you will have this in abundance.
01:06:58.190 --> 01:07:02.349
This is not about increasing your empathy, but it's actually about having limits with empathy.
01:07:02.429 --> 01:07:05.069
Because where do you fuse with your child?
01:07:05.230 --> 01:07:06.590
An example of that is that if I go.
01:07:06.989 --> 01:07:07.469
Out for a walk?
01:07:07.549 --> 01:07:12.029
No, I can't because my child, I'm fused with them because they're upset, they're dysregulated.
01:07:12.829 --> 01:07:18.829
It's the same with I can't have a need, I can't sit down and rest because my child might need something and I'm fused with them.
01:07:18.989 --> 01:07:20.750
So I can't separate mine.
01:07:22.029 --> 01:07:23.549
Or is about repair.
01:07:23.789 --> 01:07:25.230
What to do when we fuck up.
01:07:25.309 --> 01:07:28.989
And how can I repair and not parent from that guilt and shame?
01:07:29.469 --> 01:07:30.110
Yeah.
01:07:30.590 --> 01:07:32.829
So week the other option is supported.
01:07:32.989 --> 01:07:36.829
That's 697 or three, uh, three monthly payments of 232.
01:07:36.909 --> 01:07:41.469
If you are doing the payments, you pick uh is it Clara, I think, in the in the options.
01:07:41.630 --> 01:07:45.309
And that's everything in solo, but it's plus six weeks of live calls.
01:07:45.389 --> 01:07:47.710
If you join today, it's it's eight weeks.
01:07:47.869 --> 01:07:48.190
Yeah.
01:07:48.269 --> 01:07:53.549
If you're watching this back, it's the the week one is starting on the 11th of November.
01:07:53.630 --> 01:07:58.269
So whenever you're watching this, if you're getting a Wednesday before that, you can you can join.
01:07:58.349 --> 01:07:59.949
I'm I'm I'm in the group today.
01:08:00.029 --> 01:08:00.590
I'm there.
01:08:00.829 --> 01:08:03.309
How often do you run the course if I were to miss it this time around?
01:08:03.469 --> 01:08:05.789
Honestly, that that's I I I don't know.
01:08:06.029 --> 01:08:06.590
I don't know.
01:08:06.750 --> 01:08:10.190
I know at some stage I will be running one at some stage next year.
01:08:10.349 --> 01:08:10.989
I I don't know.
01:08:11.069 --> 01:08:13.949
With the two podcasts that I'm running, and I'm loving what I'm doing.
01:08:14.029 --> 01:08:15.630
I'm also writing in an identity course.
01:08:15.789 --> 01:08:19.550
So that that's I'm telling you that because I'm not um being vague.
01:08:19.710 --> 01:08:23.230
If I knew that I was going to run another one uh in January, I'm definitely not.
01:08:23.310 --> 01:08:24.909
I'm definitely not running it in February.
01:08:25.069 --> 01:08:26.909
I don't think I'm running it in March.
01:08:27.150 --> 01:08:30.989
And and here's the thing: I get that people can be busy, and this is up to you.
01:08:31.230 --> 01:08:31.630
Yeah.
01:08:31.869 --> 01:08:32.750
This is up to you.
01:08:33.069 --> 01:08:35.150
There is no, I am in no way forcing you here.
01:08:35.230 --> 01:08:37.470
If if you do nothing, nothing changes.
01:08:37.710 --> 01:08:38.110
Yeah.
01:08:38.270 --> 01:08:53.710
This is about picking a time that when you are going to go to your default and be overwhelmed, if you want something different for you, if you want something different for your family, if you want to be closer to your kids, if you want to feel more rested.
01:08:54.270 --> 01:08:54.670
Yeah.
01:08:54.989 --> 01:08:58.350
Do you do anything on teenagers, setting and holding reasonable boundaries?
01:08:58.510 --> 01:08:59.069
Yeah.
01:08:59.390 --> 01:09:02.750
That starts from today, by the way, in week one.
01:09:02.909 --> 01:09:04.270
That starts on today.
01:09:04.510 --> 01:09:05.869
It starts with you.
01:09:06.110 --> 01:09:08.750
On then week three of the course, that's an absolute.
01:09:08.829 --> 01:09:10.510
So that's the hour watching back.
01:09:10.590 --> 01:09:13.869
That is about how you are identifying limits, how you are setting them.
01:09:14.110 --> 01:09:16.989
Yeah, we're talking about responsibility, where are theirs?
01:09:17.550 --> 01:09:20.110
And then I'm I am answering you on helping with that.
01:09:20.270 --> 01:09:26.350
But if you're in the course today and you're talking about boundaries, I am answering you directly to help you figure out that.
01:09:26.510 --> 01:09:31.069
And to get the fear, yeah, the fear on what's actually driving.
01:09:32.029 --> 01:09:32.590
Yeah.
01:09:32.829 --> 01:09:33.149
Okay.
01:09:33.630 --> 01:09:36.909
So the second option, as I said, was the supported.
01:09:37.069 --> 01:09:41.390
So that is the calls with me and then the access to me in the group.
01:09:41.630 --> 01:09:42.909
And then private.
01:09:43.229 --> 01:09:44.510
Private is the third option.
01:09:44.590 --> 01:09:47.789
That's 997, or three options of uh 332.
01:09:47.869 --> 01:09:54.829
And that's everything in supported and one, but there's just two extra one-on-one calls with me if every anybody else wanted that.
01:09:55.390 --> 01:09:55.869
Yeah.
01:09:56.109 --> 01:09:58.510
The supported is the most is the most popular.
01:09:58.590 --> 01:10:00.269
You have full access to me there.
01:10:00.829 --> 01:10:03.710
Full access to me there for anything that you need.
01:10:04.029 --> 01:10:08.829
If you miss any of the live calls, the live calls are there on replay.
01:10:08.989 --> 01:10:10.029
You get to watch them back.
01:10:10.350 --> 01:10:13.390
And the framework you you get, you have that lifelong.
01:10:13.710 --> 01:10:16.829
And because this is a this is a choice for you.
01:10:17.309 --> 01:10:17.710
Yeah.
01:10:18.189 --> 01:10:22.430
You can keep doing what you're doing and running on that default mode, that survival mode.
01:10:22.989 --> 01:10:25.069
Or you get to do something different.
01:10:26.109 --> 01:10:27.949
You get to feel different.
01:10:29.630 --> 01:10:32.189
And that is that is more than possible.
01:10:32.829 --> 01:10:35.789
Do you have any questions with anything that's happening?
01:10:36.109 --> 01:10:37.229
What time are the calls?
01:10:37.390 --> 01:10:39.390
The calls are every Wednesday at 1 p.m.
01:10:39.550 --> 01:10:39.949
Irish time.
01:10:40.189 --> 01:10:42.029
And if you can't make them live, you can watch them back.
01:10:42.109 --> 01:10:42.989
They will be recorded.
01:10:43.069 --> 01:10:55.229
And if you have any questions that you want me to answer, that if I haven't been able to answer them during the week or you want a longer, uh in-depth answer, just you put them in the chats, you put them into the group, and I will answer them and you'll be able to watch that back.
01:10:55.390 --> 01:10:57.949
This again is not about putting pressure on you to do more.
01:10:58.109 --> 01:11:00.269
It's about operating from a different place.
01:11:00.430 --> 01:11:01.550
But I am I am available.
01:11:01.630 --> 01:11:04.350
So if you can't make those calls live, they're recorded.
01:11:04.590 --> 01:11:11.390
I want to ask you for for this call and for you know people watching this back or for you here now live, was this helpful for you?
01:11:11.630 --> 01:11:13.550
I wonder what was helpful.
01:11:13.710 --> 01:11:15.630
If anything, I wonder a lot of this.
01:11:15.710 --> 01:11:16.909
Do you know this already?
01:11:17.229 --> 01:11:20.109
Did it help solidify anything or make anything clearer?
01:11:20.750 --> 01:11:22.670
Yes, this was super helpful.
01:11:23.470 --> 01:11:24.109
Yes.
01:11:24.750 --> 01:11:25.630
Yes, thank you.
01:11:26.189 --> 01:11:26.430
Good.
01:11:26.590 --> 01:11:27.869
I'm glad this was helpful.
01:11:28.510 --> 01:11:29.069
Yes.
01:11:30.269 --> 01:11:30.909
Yes.
01:11:32.109 --> 01:11:32.430
Yes.
01:11:32.909 --> 01:11:35.550
Being able to identify the responsibility.
01:11:36.109 --> 01:11:38.269
Seeing how much responsibility I have.
01:11:38.989 --> 01:11:39.789
The weight.
01:11:40.109 --> 01:11:40.350
Yeah.
01:11:40.750 --> 01:11:42.670
The unrealistic expectations.
01:11:42.909 --> 01:11:43.149
Yeah.
01:11:43.390 --> 01:11:44.430
Noticing those.
01:11:45.550 --> 01:11:47.550
That's what we do inside the CAM method.
01:11:47.710 --> 01:11:49.470
There's three three choices, as I said.
01:11:49.630 --> 01:11:53.710
You just get to choose how much of me comes with that, how much support you want or need.
01:11:53.789 --> 01:11:57.149
And there is a three-month payment plan for each of those.
01:11:57.550 --> 01:11:59.630
I'm going to end the masterclass here now.
01:11:59.710 --> 01:12:03.390
I'm going to stay on with you here that are live and to answer any other questions that you have.
01:12:03.550 --> 01:12:13.309
And for any of you that are watching this back, if you have any questions for me about the CAM method, just shoot me an email, just shoot a reply to this email, and I will come back to you and I will answer you.
01:12:13.550 --> 01:12:14.350
It is up to you.
01:12:14.430 --> 01:12:16.590
It is up to you if you want to work with this further.
01:12:16.829 --> 01:12:18.109
I would love to welcome you in.
01:12:18.189 --> 01:12:21.149
I would love to see the change in your home within you.
01:12:21.710 --> 01:12:23.630
If you choose to or not, that's up to you.
01:12:23.710 --> 01:12:25.229
I'm happy to answer any of your questions.
01:12:25.390 --> 01:12:27.869
Okay, bye for now and talk to you soon.