O TYM ODCINKU
We spend roughly one-third of our lives asleep, but how often do we think about sleep as something that is an integral part of our relationships?
Sharing a bed can bring comfort, closeness, and a sense of safety. It can also bring snoring, stolen covers, mismatched schedules, different temperature preferences, late-night screens, restless pets, and plenty of frustration. And in midlife, hormonal changes, caregiving responsibilities, stress, and an active mind can make restful sleep even harder to find.
In this episode of Surfing the Quicksand, Kathy talks with Dr. Wendy Troxel, a licensed clinical psychologist, behavioral sleep medicine specialist, senior scientist at RAND, and author of Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep.
Wendy explains why sleep isn’t simply an individual behavior and why couples may be better served by becoming “sleep teammates” rather than blaming one another for what happens in the bedroom. She shares how relationship quality affects sleep and how sleep affects our ability to be good partners.
Plus, Wendy offers a more nuanced view of “sleep divorce,” (a term both she and Kathy hate), discusses practical ways couples can accommodate different sleep needs, and explains why sleep scientists oppose permanent daylight saving time even if they agree that changing the clocks twice a year should end.
Key takeaways
Sleep is a shared experience, even when the problem appears individual. Our sleep is shaped by our partners, children, pets, caregiving responsibilities, work demands, home environment, and sense of safety, not only by personal biology or discipline.
The behaviors used to compensate for insomnia can perpetuate it. Sleeping late, going to bed unusually early, or constantly monitoring sleep may seem helpful, but they can interfere with sleep pressure and make sleep feel like an effortful, high-stakes task.
Midlife women don’t need to achieve a perfectly quiet mind before bed. Hormonal changes, caregiving, and competing responsibilities make that expectation unrealistic. A brief buffer that allows the brain to transition gradually toward sleep is a more attainable goal.
Sleeping separately isn’t automatically bad for a relationship. What matters is how the decision is made. A mutually agreed-upon arrangement designed to help both partners sleep is very different from one partner leaving the bedroom in anger or resentment.
Resources and Mentions
Wendy’s website: https://drwendytroxel.com/
To sign up for Wendy’s newsletter, head to her website and scroll down to find “Receive the Rhythm” Insights on sleep science, upcoming events, and evidence-based strategies for living well.
Wendy’s book, Sharing the Covers: Every Couple's Guide to Better Sleep: https://amzn.to/4gXBKei (ad link)
Her two TEDx Talks:
How to sleep like your relationship depends on it (2016): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7ntoFtZK6A
Why school should start later for teens (2017): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0Zj_InJ4BQ
Follow her on LinkedIn and Instagram at @DrWendyTroxel
About Dr. Wendy Troxel
Wendy Troxel, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist, behavioral sleep medicine specialist, and Senior Behavioral Scientist at the nonprofit, nonpartisan RAND Corporation and an adjunct professor at the University of Utah and the University of Pittsburgh. Internationally recognized for her research, she examines how sleep is affects and is affected by our relationships, families, communities, and public policies. She is the author of “Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep.”
Dr. Troxel’s work explores how sleep is shaped by our closest relationships and how sleeping well can help us become healthier, happier, and better partners. Her research has been published in leading medical journals, and her insights have been featured by The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, NPR, The Today Show, CBS Sunday Morning, and the BBC.
