00:00:00
Speaker 1: I received another Instagram message and it just had a link and it said, have you seen this? Clicked on the link and it took me to this forum.
00:00:08
Speaker 2: This was in the dark corners of the web. It was a troll forum.
00:00:11
Speaker 1: They literally just discuss people online. They discuss celebrities. They discuss whoever kind of puts themselves out there for the world. And they comment on everything from their family, their kids, their looks, the things that you just wouldn't thing to say, these people were saying it. Anyways, I found my own little dedicated forum where they referred to me as just another mummy flog and I began reading and I just remember.
00:00:34
Speaker 2: Like it felt like the floor just swallowed me whole.
00:00:38
Speaker 1: Hello guys, welcome back to Stepping Up. I am so excited, I'm back in the Nova studio. As you guys know, I've been recording from home for far too long. It's weird, it's weird how when you go into different environments, I don't know, something in your brain switches, like for example, if I work in a cafe, suddenly I'm super productive.
00:00:58
Speaker 2: I don't muck around.
00:00:58
Speaker 1: But if I'm trying to work from home, I muck around a lot. I procrastinate and I get distracted. And it's the same when I record from home. Sure, it's convenient, but I don't know, my brain just doesn't switch on like it does when I come into the studio.
00:01:15
Speaker 2: So I'm really, really glad to be back. It's so, so good. And especially like.
00:01:19
Speaker 1: Working, obviously I've got my team and stuff, but I do work from home quite a lot. And you do get, you go a bit cuckoo sometimes. And I'm more of an introverted type of person, but you really do need like human connection and just to get out sometimes. You know, we had, we went to our friend's 40th birthday on the weekend.
00:01:39
Speaker 2: And guys, I don't really drink anymore. I can't really drink. tell you when the last time it was that.
00:01:46
Speaker 1: I had a drink, which if you guys know my backstory is amazing because I've always really struggled with alcohol, which isn't funny. I don't know why I laughed, but yeah, now I've got a really, like, I just, it just doesn't interest me anymore, which I never, ever thought I would say. If you guys want me to do an episode on that, let me know because I have no shame around it. I think it's really important that we talk about it more, especially like with motherhood and stuff. Anyways, I was hung over for two days, not worth it. But I had a really good time and it was just good to like see friends. And, you know, having like human connection is this like so ingrained in us, which is literally this episode. I put a post up on Instagram to be like, what did you guys want me to talk about on the podcast? And the biggest one that everyone came back with was how not to take things personally and how not to care, I guess, what people think of you. And this is something that you think, you know, when you get past the teenage years, it just disappears, but it doesn't.
00:02:43
Speaker 2: And I think, you know, this for me.
00:02:49
Speaker 1: Very much, this is like an example, I guess, of how much people's opinions and that can affect us.
00:02:53
Speaker 2: And I don't escape from that either.
00:02:57
Speaker 1: It happened years ago and I received an Instagram message from a profile called Dog Mom Forever. And this message said, why do you sound like a man? Now, at the time, I laughed it off. I went on Instagram stories and I reintroduced myself as Stephen. And then I kind of carried on with my life. So I thought I handled that pretty well. But over the years, I received many other DMs, not the same kind of scope as Dog Mom Forever, but one saying, Steph, you need to start a podcast.
00:03:29
Speaker 2: I would love to listen to it. And did I do it? No. I spent years.
00:03:35
Speaker 1: wanting to start a podcast, but I didn't. So somehow I allowed a lady whose profile picture was a French bulldog, which is, yeah, super cute, to dictate my career decisions for me. And instead of listening to my community and more importantly, what I wanted, I decided to hand that power over to this.
00:03:55
Speaker 2: Random woman on the internet. And I realized two things. I love to yap, clearly.
00:04:01
Speaker 1: And that DM was a reason that I didn't go and act on doing the thing that I wanted to do. I held myself back because subconsciously, even if I wasn't completely aware of it, I thought to myself, I don't have the voice to do a podcast. Hi, I'm Steph and I take things personally.
00:04:19
Speaker 2: Not all the time.
00:04:20
Speaker 1: And a lot of the time, Maybe something is directed at me and it can go over my head because I can be a bit oblivious at times, but I'm human. And as much as we'd like to think we don't let what people say affect us, it does because we're human and it's how we're made. It's how we're made up. Whether you like to think it affects you or not is one thing. But when you think about day-to-day life and things that can come up, even if it's not something that you.
00:04:49
Speaker 2: maybe verbally react to.
00:04:50
Speaker 1: It could just be, you know, for me, it could be someone replies to my text message with, okay, with a full stop. Suddenly they hate me and they wish I was never born. Or maybe I'm at the checkout line at Woolworths and the lady gives me a half smile and I suddenly think that maybe she doesn't like me. And your friend seems a little bit off, but she's usually just having a bad time. But we worry that we've said something or done something. Now, as I've gotten older, this has definitely gotten much better. We learn that sometimes, you know, we think things are a fire, but it's actually a mirage that looks like a fire and it's really just someone having a hard time and having a bad day. And it has nothing to do with you. But I'm human and I can still take things personally. Now, we've all heard this advice before a million times. I hear, Steph, just don't worry what other people think. Don't care about what they think of you. And then we see things like the let them theory from Mel Robbins. And I love Mel, don't get me wrong. And I love the idea of this, of just letting people assume things, let people, you know, have their opinions and not let it affect you. But how do you actually let them when you still care? When you do care about, you know, you have feelings and you might feel like, you know, like I know I am a sensitive person, which I don't think is a bad thing. I love really hard and I'm passionate as well. Caring what other people think isn't a flaw. It's actually part of our DNA, which I will touch on later. But it's so deeply ingrained in who we are that instead of us thinking that maybe I shouldn't be so sensitive or maybe I shouldn't think into things too much, maybe just kind of see it for what it is. You know, our brains crave belonging and that community for a very, very good reason that goes so way back that you couldn't even imagine. And I thought the goal was to eventually become someone that just didn't give a shit anymore. And I think, again, with life experience, like especially with me being online, which I'll get into, and I'm about to share some very, very real stories, but it helps you gain perspective. it really, really does. But it doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring completely. And I think us, like, you know, the let them theory, which again, if you guys haven't heard of that, it's basically the notion of just let people, you know, think what they want, let them just assume things, let them have their opinions, which again is such a great thing, but we do care. And I think trying to force ourselves to act like we don't is not really realistic. So I don't believe the goal is to act like we don't give a shit anymore or not to care anymore.
00:07:40
Speaker 2: And if I'm being honest, you're always going to care what people think. Of course you are. You're a human being.
00:07:45
Speaker 1: We're social creatures and other people's reactions do matter to us. That's how we connect to one another. That's how we can be considerate.
00:07:53
Speaker 2: Of other people.
00:07:54
Speaker 1: If someone's having a rough day, maybe you won't bring up a certain conversation if you know it's a bit too heavy for them. And for some of us, rejection and criticism can hit heavier. There's things like rejection sensitivity disorder and things that are linked to ADHD. But I think to stop caring what people think is, again, it's the wrong goal. The question was never, how do I stop caring? The question is, whose words deserve to carry weight? Because not everybody's words should carry the same amount of weight and should impact you the same. You shouldn't listen to everybody that has an opinion. We know this very much. The opinion of somebody who knows you, loves you and understands your life and your situation should not carry the same weight as somebody who's seen 30 seconds of your life online or someone that, you know, a colleague or someone you just, you barely know. And there is a huge difference between someone's words hurting you and deciding those words mean something about who you are. And that is a big one for me. it's true you can't always control what people say. And I'll even go as far to say you can't always control how it's going to land with you because we just, you know, we have emotions. And some days, especially if you're a woman and you're in your luteal phase, some days they land harder than others. But you can get better at deciding how much weight and time you give those opinions and words.
00:09:25
Speaker 2: Now, This episode is for you if you've.
00:09:29
Speaker 1: Questioned yourself and thought, I ruminate on interactions too much or I'm just too sensitive. If you've ever found yourself, you know, second guessing if someone actually likes you or, you know, there's a passive aggressive remark and you spend the rest of your day thinking about it. I know we all know these situations where maybe you've gone to school pickup and the other mother that walks past you doesn't acknowledge you. And you assume, okay, maybe she hates my guts. But actually, she's just busy with her son.
00:09:59
Speaker 2: We all.
00:10:00
Speaker 1: all can feel energy. There could be a little shift in tone in someone's text messages and we worry. Maybe your boss says, hey, can we have a chat? And you straightaway assume that you're about to get fired. It's like even when I'm driving on the road and there's a cop car, I'm like, I'm in trouble.
00:10:15
Speaker 2: I've done something wrong.
00:10:17
Speaker 1: Or you go through security at the airport and you're like, yep, they're going to bust me for absolutely nothing.
00:10:22
Speaker 2: Now, before I get.
00:10:23
Speaker 1: Into it, I know it's probably easy to sit there and think, okay, Steph, well, clearly you don't care too much about what people think because you have a podcast, you're online, you do all the things. But I can't stress this enough that as a child, I was basically mute. I was so, so shy. I didn't have barely any self-belief and I didn't have a voice. So I think that's why for me, I do have a big passion and I am a big believer of doing things scared and, you.
00:10:53
Speaker 2: Know, speaking in front of people.
00:10:54
Speaker 1: And again, I actually, cause I forgot to even tell you, I spoke at Google a couple of days ago. That's a key example. Like I always get imposter syndrome. I don't feel like I should be there, but every time I do it, I prove to myself that that narrative that I tell myself that I'm not good enough or I shouldn't be doing the things I prove that is incorrect. And yeah, sure, I've grown a thicker skin, but I still, I care. I care deeply about people and it's just who I am. And, you know, when I first started sharing online, so this was 10 years ago, I did blogging.
00:11:29
Speaker 2: I had my Instagram account, you know.
00:11:30
Speaker 1: And, you know, there was comments, like someone would comment ugly under a Kmart haul. And I'd like to believe and tell myself it was actually the $ 5 vase they were talking about, which probably was a fair comment at the time. But I have had my fair share of trolling and negative comments. But then one day, this was probably a couple of years after I got that dog mom forever comment, I received another Instagram message, which is lovely. And it just had a link and it said, have you seen this? Anyway, I clicked on the link and it took me to this forum. And I had never seen this space of the internet before, nor should I ever have.
00:12:11
Speaker 2: Want to go in there again.
00:12:12
Speaker 1: But this was in the dark corners of the web and it was a troll forum. So basically there's forums out there where they literally just discuss people online, they discuss celebrities, they discuss whoever kind of puts themselves out there for the world. And they comment on everything from their family, their kids, their looks, you know, just things that you just wouldn't think to say. These people were saying it. Anyways, I found my own little dedicated forum where they referred to me as Just Another Mummy Flog. If you guys remember, my page used to be called Just Another Mummy Blog. I kind of thought Ryan's version of this, which was Just Another Mummy Bog, was funnier.
00:12:53
Speaker 2: But what would I know? I'm not a troll. And I began reading.
00:12:57
Speaker 1: And I just remember it felt like the floor just swallowed me whole. There was comments about my house, my body, my face. my kids, just everything under the sun. And then it was just so frustrating because I'm someone that I just so desperately, I don't know if it's like a bit of my autistic trait on me or something. Sorry. I don't know if it's a little bit because I do have autism as well. But for me, if someone misunderstands me, I very much so want to just get a PowerPoint presentation out and show them like that's not correct and this is actually like who I am and things like that. So to read this about me was rough and it was the most horrible, nasty things. And I spent, I can't even tell you how long I spent on this. And Harper was little at the time, you know.
00:13:49
Speaker 2: And you know what I did?
00:13:50
Speaker 1: I kept scrolling and I kept reading and I kept going deeper and deeper. After a while, I opened up, you know, obviously told Ryan and I opened up to some friends who, couples simply said, well, just don't look at it.
00:14:05
Speaker 2: And to those people... It's.
00:14:07
Speaker 1: Kind of like saying, okay, across the road from your house is a giant billboard. And on that billboard is one sentence about you that isn't nice.
00:14:18
Speaker 2: And every single day that sentence changes.
00:14:21
Speaker 1: Do you think you could actually leave your house and go out the front door and not glance across the road and look at the billboard and what it says?
00:14:29
Speaker 2: We're humans. This is what we do.
00:14:31
Speaker 1: And knowing that it was there on the internet, I don't genuinely felt like I was walking around with the words plastered across my head. You know, calling me bogan, which I am a bogan, that's fine. I actually embrace that. I'm happy to be a bogan. But there's so many other nasty things that you just, I could never dream of saying that about another person, even someone who has done the wrong thing by me. And the thing is, I knew that what they said was obviously not true. I also knew that they didn't know me. They only were assuming things based off what they saw online. And logically, I knew all that, but it still hurt. And I can't switch that off. But looking back, the real damage wasn't just the comments. It was how I began to edit myself after reading them.
00:15:23
Speaker 2: I would go on these forums most days.
00:15:27
Speaker 1: I wish I could Didn't, but I did. I just couldn't, I felt like I had to see what they were saying. And slowly over time, I began to edit myself and how I showed up. I started showing up safer. Anything I went to say or do, I would think, okay, what would they say to this? Because I just so desperately wanted to be understood. And I did, I felt like, does everyone think this? I started questioning everything. I just became a very much a watered down version of myself. And the thing is, you don't need an internet forum full of trolls to relate to this. It could be a group of friends that you know that you subtly change yourself for so you can fit in more.
00:16:08
Speaker 2: So maybe they'll accept you. It could be, you know, and.
00:16:12
Speaker 1: We do like in life, the way we show up in different areas, we do play a bit of a role. Think about how you show up at work versus with your family or how you show up around your in-laws.
00:16:23
Speaker 2: Versus your friends. We do alter relationships.
00:16:27
Speaker 1: Our personality into that role. But when you start letting what other people say to you or about you change who you are and how you show up, that's the real danger in this.
00:16:38
Speaker 2: And that's so sad.
00:16:39
Speaker 1: So suddenly, you know, I started my blog and everything so long ago to be honest and real because I was a new mom and I had postnatal depression and I wanted people to be able to relate to me. And then suddenly I'm showing up safer and, you know, not....
00:16:57
Speaker 2: Just being authentic in myself.
00:16:59
Speaker 1: And I write about all of this in my book, very much a lot more deeper than this, but I write about it in my book, Mastering My Messy Life, which I do narrate on Spotify as well.
00:17:10
Speaker 2: Just a little shameless plug.
00:17:13
Speaker 1: And when you think about editing yourself to fit in, you really do think back to your teenage years. But I'm sorry to say it doesn't end there. And we don't even realize it half the time. Someone tells you that you're too much, so you become quieter. Someone tells you you're needy, so you are determined to show that you don't need anybody. Someone says something about your body or comments on how you look, and 20 years later, you're still dressing and editing how you look, so you don't have to hear that again. You're carrying that around with you. And instead of me asking whether there was any truth to any of it, which I knew there wasn't, I started to reshape myself and change who I was. And that's the thing is that someone's opinion can hurt you. But if you let that thing that hurt you change everything about you and the way you shop and live your life, you know, that's you giving these people like their words weight that they didn't earn. They didn't earn that weight through their words. So why do these shitty comments stick with us so much? And why do we struggle with this as humans? And this is what really helped me Because I thought I just had to harden the fuck up. But there was a study done at UCLA in 2003 where people were put in a brain scanner and played this virtual ball tossing game. At some point, the other players basically stopped throwing the ball to them.
00:18:38
Speaker 2: So they were deliberately excluded.
00:18:40
Speaker 1: And the researchers found activity in brain areas involved in the distressing side of physical pain. So the same areas of our brain that lights up when we're in physical pain also lights up when we are feeling excluded and these social situations happen. Now, not saying that leaving you out is the same pain as breaking your leg, but besides the painful act, there is actually deeper reasons why rejection can feel so bloody uncomfortable, which I experienced heavily thanks to this forum. I spent years living like this, checking the forum every day. Every day I'd wake up and I felt like I had something sitting on my chest until I could see what they were saying. And it's so sad because I think back to if this was happening to my daughters. And the thing is, we would say to them, just don't care, don't worry about it. But the thing is, again, we're human, of course we care. And I think that's just not realistic and we need to change a bit of the advice we're giving to people around this because I know firsthand how much it sucks. There's a beautiful lady who also had a blog and I remember telling her about it. And she was one of the people that said, just don't look at it, Steph. And I don't know why you put yourself through this. And then sadly, which obviously I hated for her, I think it was like a year later, they started commenting about her. And she came to me and she said, Steph, I'm so, so sorry.
00:20:07
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:20:08
Speaker 1: I had no idea it would feel like this. And that's the thing is it's so easy to give someone advice but unless you're in their shoes and actually are in that situation, you don't know what it feels like. So after living with this for so long and it affecting everything, you know, guys, like I wanted to close everything down. I wanted to delete my Instagram. The amount of times I wanted to delete everything and Ryan was like, don't you dare.
00:20:35
Speaker 2: It was a lot.
00:20:36
Speaker 1: And I started going to therapy for it. And after telling her everything about the forum and how everything was really affecting me, she said to me, Steph, okay, these people are saying these things, but what is the worst thing that can happen? And I sat there and I actually didn't know what to say for once, which is saying a lot. And the thing is, I couldn't answer it because I realised that I'd been treating people these feelings is the same thing that this hurts versus I feel unsafe. My body physically felt unsafe reading those things. And I'm sure you can relate when you have to do public speaking or you have to do a speech at school, the feeling you get beforehand, it makes you feel like you've been chased by a tiger. And the reason for this is that when we were cavemen, we had to belong in a pack. We had to be in a group because if we were excluded from You would literally die. You would get eaten by a saber-toothed tiger and you'd be screwed. But sadly, our psychology hasn't caught up to the fact that those girls are just being mean girls and they're not adding you to the group chat. You're not actually about to die.
00:21:49
Speaker 2: But it feels the same.
00:21:51
Speaker 1: And that's why it's so hard for us to kind of separate the two. And I realised in that moment that they could say whatever they wanted, but they physically can't get to me, that I was safe.
00:22:03
Speaker 2: But for me to learn that lesson, it took time.
00:22:05
Speaker 1: It took time to see that this could be going on and my life would go on as usual.
00:22:12
Speaker 2: It would go on as normal.
00:22:13
Speaker 1: Because the thing is, I'm very lucky. My community, I don't really get much hate to my actual pages. And it really helped me. It was kind of like gathering evidence that the longer it went on and the longer I was okay and being aware of this, that everything was like they can't touch me. And it really was, I was handing over my power to them for so many years. And then there's also this thing that our brain likes to do. I'm sure that you would relate to this. Like I mentioned before, I was getting all these comments saying, Steph, start a podcast, blah, blah, blah, and getting all these beautiful comments every day and messages saying how much I've helped them and things like that. And then I was still hanging on to this one negative comment. And it happens again in real life. You could be getting dressed up. And your friends are like saying, you look so great.
00:23:00
Speaker 2: You look amazing.
00:23:01
Speaker 1: And then you walk up and say, I don't know, your mother says, oh, you decided to wear that. And you hang on to that. And then you suddenly feel that you look like shit. So sadly, our brain does do this thing called negative bias, which basically means that the negative stuff tends to grab our attention harder than the positive. Same as the dog mama forever, whatever her name was. And it explains why you can get 20 lovely comments and one half shitty one. And you're like, yep, that's the one. That's the one I'm taking home with me. And again, having, you know, people with ADHD, it adds another layer to this because not all of us have rejection sensitivity disorder or whatever it's called, but it does hit us faster and harder before we know the facts. And it is hard, especially, you know, It means that basically the feeling gets there before the reasoning does, before we know the facts. Now, I like to say after this therapy session, I was cured and I felt better. But as I said, it took time. It took time for me to see that, okay, I'm cool.
00:24:07
Speaker 2: I'm safe. Everything's going to be okay.
00:24:09
Speaker 1: But it kind of got to this one event that really did make me view things differently. So I went to a Priceline event and Ida Buttrose was talking there and she was doing a Q & A. And someone asked her how she handled the horrible anonymous troll letters that she used to receive and trolls online. And she said something along the lines of, if you opened your mailbox and there was a letter in there with no sender on the back, would you even bother opening it? No, you'd probably throw it straight in the bin where it belongs. And I remember sitting there thinking, fuck, not only was I opening the mail, I was going through other people's mailboxes and opening theirs and then coming home and sticking it on my fridge. You know, I was seeking out these comments, these nasty opinions on myself. And yes, I'm human, but I was actively going through other people's mailboxes. The thing is, not everything that gets delivered to you and said to you deserves to be opened, analysed and taken seriously. And that's where I really started thinking differently about whose words I was actually going to give weight to, to give airtime to. Because some feedback absolutely deserves your attention. There's a difference between feedback, healthy communication and then just criticism and nastiness. But not every opinion with my name on it deserves the same weight. So now there are three things that I try to look at before I decide if someone's words will influence me. And this is what I like to call the mailbox triage because it's three kind of questions. And obviously, Aita really helped me with this. So question one, who sent it? Who is this person in my life? Do they actually know me and respect me? Would I ask them for advice? Are they the type of person that I am inspired by, that I would like to show up as? Because if I never would go to this person for advice, why would I listen to the words that they're saying to me?
00:26:21
Speaker 2: You know, why did.
00:26:22
Speaker 1: Dog Mum Forever get a vote on whether or not I should start a podcast? Why did she get to be on, you know, the panel of my career decisions? You know, not every letter deserves to be read intentionally. if it's in your mailbox and especially if it's in someone else's mailbox. Question two, is there anything useful in this? Now, I don't want you to take this as whatever someone says, there's truth to it because that's absolutely not true. Usually, you'll find that hurt people hurt people. Now, I'm going to tell you a bit of a story and this is what really demonstrated this to me. And again, I'm coming at this from very good intentions, but Basically, I once, again, Instagram message, I once had a woman Instagram message me and she said, all you do is fluff around your house all day, like something along those lines. Like you always just fluff around your house. Why don't you actually get out and do something with your kids and be a good mom? And of course that really hurt because obviously my Instagram is, I share organization, I share routines and I did, I've always tried to keep my, you know, my kids not on there as much, especially now I don't show them, but it was a bit of a rough one to hear. So I've always tried to really come at people in an understanding way.
00:27:36
Speaker 2: I don't ever retaliate.
00:27:38
Speaker 1: I usually don't even reply to people, but with this, I kind of felt called to because yes, I was definitely triggered.
00:27:43
Speaker 2: And I just said, I'm so sorry.
00:27:45
Speaker 1: I said something like along the lines, I'm sorry that you think that way, but please just remember this is only like 5% of my day.
00:27:51
Speaker 2: That you see.
00:27:52
Speaker 1: Anyways, it turns out that this poor woman, she actually had stage three cancer and she had is confined to her house because she's not well. So you can see that because of sadly what she's, her being stuck in her house, of course she's seeing someone like me, you know, she's assuming I'm at home all the time and she's like, why don't you get out?
00:28:13
Speaker 2: Because that's what she wants.
00:28:14
Speaker 1: So, you know, and that's where I think that being someone that does have emotions and is a bit sensitive, this can come in handy because instead of me seeing that and then just, you know, getting angry. Instead, I just send her compassion because I couldn't imagine what that would feel like for her. You know, she was really struggling and spending so much time inside and she desperately just wanted to be out with doing normal things with her kids. And that doesn't mean that every criticism is a projection or that everybody who doesn't like you is secretly jealous. You know, sometimes you do need to hear feedback from people. Maybe sometimes, you know, like someone you love, you maybe have you know, continually to do something that is hurting them. But it's all about just saying, okay, does this person respect me and do I respect them enough to hear them out? And the next question is, and the last question is, have they seen the whole movie? Now, just remember, you can have even a best friend in your life, but they don't see your day-to-day.
00:29:17
Speaker 2: So unless someone.
00:29:20
Speaker 1: Genuinely walks in your shoes and They can't judge you for the way that you show up and the way you handle things. You know, sadly, there is a lot of people that do like to assume and jump to conclusions. They see maybe one decision you make or one moment, and they create a whole story in their head.
00:29:37
Speaker 2: Sadly, humans do that.
00:29:39
Speaker 1: And the thing is, like, even I would do that when I'm taking things personally and I fill in the blanks because clearly my brain lacks comprehension. And we do it naturally as humans so we can understand and try and make sense of things. But this can also be a downfall. And things aren't black and white. There's People are allowed to have their theory, but you don't have to necessarily organize your life around that. And you don't have to explain yourself. I think when you decide that you're done trying to prove yourself to people who aren't worth it in the nicest way possible, you'll.
00:30:16
Speaker 2: Be set free. Because what people say about you has nothing to do with you.
00:30:22
Speaker 1: And once you just kind of wipe your hands of that as much as you can, again, I'm not going to say let them, but let yourself live, you know, let yourself live. And you might sit there saying, okay, Steph, it passes all three. So say this is someone that I respect and they've come to me and said, Steph, what you did last week really, really hurt me. So I ask what part of this belongs to me? Is there something I need to own? And do I need to apologize? And is there something that I can take away from this to, you know, be better next time? And if there is, take it and actually do something with it. So all in all guys, I think just trying to be someone that just doesn't care what people think and not give a shit and, you know, follow the let them theory. I think, yeah, maybe that does work for some people. But if you're someone that has a big heart and you feel passionately about a lot of things, that is, it is your superpower. And there's so many areas in life that, again, you're able to then see people with compassion instead of having, holding a grudge and things like that. Nobody's opinion earns the right to edit who you are. You always care what people think.
00:31:29
Speaker 2: You're human.
00:31:30
Speaker 1: The skill isn't caring less. It's about weighing the words better. And nobody gets to edit you unless they've earned the pen. And just remember something can hurt you without it automatically meaning that it's true. I hope you guys enjoyed today's episode. I hope this helped. And please like, As always, please subscribe to my show. If you please leave a review, I would really, really appreciate it. And tag you listening to this episode on Instagram and if it resonated with you. And I love getting your DMs and telling me your own stories and takes on it. So thanks, guys, and I'll be back in your ears on Monday.
Speaker 1: I received another Instagram message and it just had a link and it said, have you seen this? Clicked on the link and it took me to this forum.
00:00:08
Speaker 2: This was in the dark corners of the web. It was a troll forum.
00:00:11
Speaker 1: They literally just discuss people online. They discuss celebrities. They discuss whoever kind of puts themselves out there for the world. And they comment on everything from their family, their kids, their looks, the things that you just wouldn't thing to say, these people were saying it. Anyways, I found my own little dedicated forum where they referred to me as just another mummy flog and I began reading and I just remember.
00:00:34
Speaker 2: Like it felt like the floor just swallowed me whole.
00:00:38
Speaker 1: Hello guys, welcome back to Stepping Up. I am so excited, I'm back in the Nova studio. As you guys know, I've been recording from home for far too long. It's weird, it's weird how when you go into different environments, I don't know, something in your brain switches, like for example, if I work in a cafe, suddenly I'm super productive.
00:00:58
Speaker 2: I don't muck around.
00:00:58
Speaker 1: But if I'm trying to work from home, I muck around a lot. I procrastinate and I get distracted. And it's the same when I record from home. Sure, it's convenient, but I don't know, my brain just doesn't switch on like it does when I come into the studio.
00:01:15
Speaker 2: So I'm really, really glad to be back. It's so, so good. And especially like.
00:01:19
Speaker 1: Working, obviously I've got my team and stuff, but I do work from home quite a lot. And you do get, you go a bit cuckoo sometimes. And I'm more of an introverted type of person, but you really do need like human connection and just to get out sometimes. You know, we had, we went to our friend's 40th birthday on the weekend.
00:01:39
Speaker 2: And guys, I don't really drink anymore. I can't really drink. tell you when the last time it was that.
00:01:46
Speaker 1: I had a drink, which if you guys know my backstory is amazing because I've always really struggled with alcohol, which isn't funny. I don't know why I laughed, but yeah, now I've got a really, like, I just, it just doesn't interest me anymore, which I never, ever thought I would say. If you guys want me to do an episode on that, let me know because I have no shame around it. I think it's really important that we talk about it more, especially like with motherhood and stuff. Anyways, I was hung over for two days, not worth it. But I had a really good time and it was just good to like see friends. And, you know, having like human connection is this like so ingrained in us, which is literally this episode. I put a post up on Instagram to be like, what did you guys want me to talk about on the podcast? And the biggest one that everyone came back with was how not to take things personally and how not to care, I guess, what people think of you. And this is something that you think, you know, when you get past the teenage years, it just disappears, but it doesn't.
00:02:43
Speaker 2: And I think, you know, this for me.
00:02:49
Speaker 1: Very much, this is like an example, I guess, of how much people's opinions and that can affect us.
00:02:53
Speaker 2: And I don't escape from that either.
00:02:57
Speaker 1: It happened years ago and I received an Instagram message from a profile called Dog Mom Forever. And this message said, why do you sound like a man? Now, at the time, I laughed it off. I went on Instagram stories and I reintroduced myself as Stephen. And then I kind of carried on with my life. So I thought I handled that pretty well. But over the years, I received many other DMs, not the same kind of scope as Dog Mom Forever, but one saying, Steph, you need to start a podcast.
00:03:29
Speaker 2: I would love to listen to it. And did I do it? No. I spent years.
00:03:35
Speaker 1: wanting to start a podcast, but I didn't. So somehow I allowed a lady whose profile picture was a French bulldog, which is, yeah, super cute, to dictate my career decisions for me. And instead of listening to my community and more importantly, what I wanted, I decided to hand that power over to this.
00:03:55
Speaker 2: Random woman on the internet. And I realized two things. I love to yap, clearly.
00:04:01
Speaker 1: And that DM was a reason that I didn't go and act on doing the thing that I wanted to do. I held myself back because subconsciously, even if I wasn't completely aware of it, I thought to myself, I don't have the voice to do a podcast. Hi, I'm Steph and I take things personally.
00:04:19
Speaker 2: Not all the time.
00:04:20
Speaker 1: And a lot of the time, Maybe something is directed at me and it can go over my head because I can be a bit oblivious at times, but I'm human. And as much as we'd like to think we don't let what people say affect us, it does because we're human and it's how we're made. It's how we're made up. Whether you like to think it affects you or not is one thing. But when you think about day-to-day life and things that can come up, even if it's not something that you.
00:04:49
Speaker 2: maybe verbally react to.
00:04:50
Speaker 1: It could just be, you know, for me, it could be someone replies to my text message with, okay, with a full stop. Suddenly they hate me and they wish I was never born. Or maybe I'm at the checkout line at Woolworths and the lady gives me a half smile and I suddenly think that maybe she doesn't like me. And your friend seems a little bit off, but she's usually just having a bad time. But we worry that we've said something or done something. Now, as I've gotten older, this has definitely gotten much better. We learn that sometimes, you know, we think things are a fire, but it's actually a mirage that looks like a fire and it's really just someone having a hard time and having a bad day. And it has nothing to do with you. But I'm human and I can still take things personally. Now, we've all heard this advice before a million times. I hear, Steph, just don't worry what other people think. Don't care about what they think of you. And then we see things like the let them theory from Mel Robbins. And I love Mel, don't get me wrong. And I love the idea of this, of just letting people assume things, let people, you know, have their opinions and not let it affect you. But how do you actually let them when you still care? When you do care about, you know, you have feelings and you might feel like, you know, like I know I am a sensitive person, which I don't think is a bad thing. I love really hard and I'm passionate as well. Caring what other people think isn't a flaw. It's actually part of our DNA, which I will touch on later. But it's so deeply ingrained in who we are that instead of us thinking that maybe I shouldn't be so sensitive or maybe I shouldn't think into things too much, maybe just kind of see it for what it is. You know, our brains crave belonging and that community for a very, very good reason that goes so way back that you couldn't even imagine. And I thought the goal was to eventually become someone that just didn't give a shit anymore. And I think, again, with life experience, like especially with me being online, which I'll get into, and I'm about to share some very, very real stories, but it helps you gain perspective. it really, really does. But it doesn't mean that I'm going to stop caring completely. And I think us, like, you know, the let them theory, which again, if you guys haven't heard of that, it's basically the notion of just let people, you know, think what they want, let them just assume things, let them have their opinions, which again is such a great thing, but we do care. And I think trying to force ourselves to act like we don't is not really realistic. So I don't believe the goal is to act like we don't give a shit anymore or not to care anymore.
00:07:40
Speaker 2: And if I'm being honest, you're always going to care what people think. Of course you are. You're a human being.
00:07:45
Speaker 1: We're social creatures and other people's reactions do matter to us. That's how we connect to one another. That's how we can be considerate.
00:07:53
Speaker 2: Of other people.
00:07:54
Speaker 1: If someone's having a rough day, maybe you won't bring up a certain conversation if you know it's a bit too heavy for them. And for some of us, rejection and criticism can hit heavier. There's things like rejection sensitivity disorder and things that are linked to ADHD. But I think to stop caring what people think is, again, it's the wrong goal. The question was never, how do I stop caring? The question is, whose words deserve to carry weight? Because not everybody's words should carry the same amount of weight and should impact you the same. You shouldn't listen to everybody that has an opinion. We know this very much. The opinion of somebody who knows you, loves you and understands your life and your situation should not carry the same weight as somebody who's seen 30 seconds of your life online or someone that, you know, a colleague or someone you just, you barely know. And there is a huge difference between someone's words hurting you and deciding those words mean something about who you are. And that is a big one for me. it's true you can't always control what people say. And I'll even go as far to say you can't always control how it's going to land with you because we just, you know, we have emotions. And some days, especially if you're a woman and you're in your luteal phase, some days they land harder than others. But you can get better at deciding how much weight and time you give those opinions and words.
00:09:25
Speaker 2: Now, This episode is for you if you've.
00:09:29
Speaker 1: Questioned yourself and thought, I ruminate on interactions too much or I'm just too sensitive. If you've ever found yourself, you know, second guessing if someone actually likes you or, you know, there's a passive aggressive remark and you spend the rest of your day thinking about it. I know we all know these situations where maybe you've gone to school pickup and the other mother that walks past you doesn't acknowledge you. And you assume, okay, maybe she hates my guts. But actually, she's just busy with her son.
00:09:59
Speaker 2: We all.
00:10:00
Speaker 1: all can feel energy. There could be a little shift in tone in someone's text messages and we worry. Maybe your boss says, hey, can we have a chat? And you straightaway assume that you're about to get fired. It's like even when I'm driving on the road and there's a cop car, I'm like, I'm in trouble.
00:10:15
Speaker 2: I've done something wrong.
00:10:17
Speaker 1: Or you go through security at the airport and you're like, yep, they're going to bust me for absolutely nothing.
00:10:22
Speaker 2: Now, before I get.
00:10:23
Speaker 1: Into it, I know it's probably easy to sit there and think, okay, Steph, well, clearly you don't care too much about what people think because you have a podcast, you're online, you do all the things. But I can't stress this enough that as a child, I was basically mute. I was so, so shy. I didn't have barely any self-belief and I didn't have a voice. So I think that's why for me, I do have a big passion and I am a big believer of doing things scared and, you.
00:10:53
Speaker 2: Know, speaking in front of people.
00:10:54
Speaker 1: And again, I actually, cause I forgot to even tell you, I spoke at Google a couple of days ago. That's a key example. Like I always get imposter syndrome. I don't feel like I should be there, but every time I do it, I prove to myself that that narrative that I tell myself that I'm not good enough or I shouldn't be doing the things I prove that is incorrect. And yeah, sure, I've grown a thicker skin, but I still, I care. I care deeply about people and it's just who I am. And, you know, when I first started sharing online, so this was 10 years ago, I did blogging.
00:11:29
Speaker 2: I had my Instagram account, you know.
00:11:30
Speaker 1: And, you know, there was comments, like someone would comment ugly under a Kmart haul. And I'd like to believe and tell myself it was actually the $ 5 vase they were talking about, which probably was a fair comment at the time. But I have had my fair share of trolling and negative comments. But then one day, this was probably a couple of years after I got that dog mom forever comment, I received another Instagram message, which is lovely. And it just had a link and it said, have you seen this? Anyway, I clicked on the link and it took me to this forum. And I had never seen this space of the internet before, nor should I ever have.
00:12:11
Speaker 2: Want to go in there again.
00:12:12
Speaker 1: But this was in the dark corners of the web and it was a troll forum. So basically there's forums out there where they literally just discuss people online, they discuss celebrities, they discuss whoever kind of puts themselves out there for the world. And they comment on everything from their family, their kids, their looks, you know, just things that you just wouldn't think to say. These people were saying it. Anyways, I found my own little dedicated forum where they referred to me as Just Another Mummy Flog. If you guys remember, my page used to be called Just Another Mummy Blog. I kind of thought Ryan's version of this, which was Just Another Mummy Bog, was funnier.
00:12:53
Speaker 2: But what would I know? I'm not a troll. And I began reading.
00:12:57
Speaker 1: And I just remember it felt like the floor just swallowed me whole. There was comments about my house, my body, my face. my kids, just everything under the sun. And then it was just so frustrating because I'm someone that I just so desperately, I don't know if it's like a bit of my autistic trait on me or something. Sorry. I don't know if it's a little bit because I do have autism as well. But for me, if someone misunderstands me, I very much so want to just get a PowerPoint presentation out and show them like that's not correct and this is actually like who I am and things like that. So to read this about me was rough and it was the most horrible, nasty things. And I spent, I can't even tell you how long I spent on this. And Harper was little at the time, you know.
00:13:49
Speaker 2: And you know what I did?
00:13:50
Speaker 1: I kept scrolling and I kept reading and I kept going deeper and deeper. After a while, I opened up, you know, obviously told Ryan and I opened up to some friends who, couples simply said, well, just don't look at it.
00:14:05
Speaker 2: And to those people... It's.
00:14:07
Speaker 1: Kind of like saying, okay, across the road from your house is a giant billboard. And on that billboard is one sentence about you that isn't nice.
00:14:18
Speaker 2: And every single day that sentence changes.
00:14:21
Speaker 1: Do you think you could actually leave your house and go out the front door and not glance across the road and look at the billboard and what it says?
00:14:29
Speaker 2: We're humans. This is what we do.
00:14:31
Speaker 1: And knowing that it was there on the internet, I don't genuinely felt like I was walking around with the words plastered across my head. You know, calling me bogan, which I am a bogan, that's fine. I actually embrace that. I'm happy to be a bogan. But there's so many other nasty things that you just, I could never dream of saying that about another person, even someone who has done the wrong thing by me. And the thing is, I knew that what they said was obviously not true. I also knew that they didn't know me. They only were assuming things based off what they saw online. And logically, I knew all that, but it still hurt. And I can't switch that off. But looking back, the real damage wasn't just the comments. It was how I began to edit myself after reading them.
00:15:23
Speaker 2: I would go on these forums most days.
00:15:27
Speaker 1: I wish I could Didn't, but I did. I just couldn't, I felt like I had to see what they were saying. And slowly over time, I began to edit myself and how I showed up. I started showing up safer. Anything I went to say or do, I would think, okay, what would they say to this? Because I just so desperately wanted to be understood. And I did, I felt like, does everyone think this? I started questioning everything. I just became a very much a watered down version of myself. And the thing is, you don't need an internet forum full of trolls to relate to this. It could be a group of friends that you know that you subtly change yourself for so you can fit in more.
00:16:08
Speaker 2: So maybe they'll accept you. It could be, you know, and.
00:16:12
Speaker 1: We do like in life, the way we show up in different areas, we do play a bit of a role. Think about how you show up at work versus with your family or how you show up around your in-laws.
00:16:23
Speaker 2: Versus your friends. We do alter relationships.
00:16:27
Speaker 1: Our personality into that role. But when you start letting what other people say to you or about you change who you are and how you show up, that's the real danger in this.
00:16:38
Speaker 2: And that's so sad.
00:16:39
Speaker 1: So suddenly, you know, I started my blog and everything so long ago to be honest and real because I was a new mom and I had postnatal depression and I wanted people to be able to relate to me. And then suddenly I'm showing up safer and, you know, not....
00:16:57
Speaker 2: Just being authentic in myself.
00:16:59
Speaker 1: And I write about all of this in my book, very much a lot more deeper than this, but I write about it in my book, Mastering My Messy Life, which I do narrate on Spotify as well.
00:17:10
Speaker 2: Just a little shameless plug.
00:17:13
Speaker 1: And when you think about editing yourself to fit in, you really do think back to your teenage years. But I'm sorry to say it doesn't end there. And we don't even realize it half the time. Someone tells you that you're too much, so you become quieter. Someone tells you you're needy, so you are determined to show that you don't need anybody. Someone says something about your body or comments on how you look, and 20 years later, you're still dressing and editing how you look, so you don't have to hear that again. You're carrying that around with you. And instead of me asking whether there was any truth to any of it, which I knew there wasn't, I started to reshape myself and change who I was. And that's the thing is that someone's opinion can hurt you. But if you let that thing that hurt you change everything about you and the way you shop and live your life, you know, that's you giving these people like their words weight that they didn't earn. They didn't earn that weight through their words. So why do these shitty comments stick with us so much? And why do we struggle with this as humans? And this is what really helped me Because I thought I just had to harden the fuck up. But there was a study done at UCLA in 2003 where people were put in a brain scanner and played this virtual ball tossing game. At some point, the other players basically stopped throwing the ball to them.
00:18:38
Speaker 2: So they were deliberately excluded.
00:18:40
Speaker 1: And the researchers found activity in brain areas involved in the distressing side of physical pain. So the same areas of our brain that lights up when we're in physical pain also lights up when we are feeling excluded and these social situations happen. Now, not saying that leaving you out is the same pain as breaking your leg, but besides the painful act, there is actually deeper reasons why rejection can feel so bloody uncomfortable, which I experienced heavily thanks to this forum. I spent years living like this, checking the forum every day. Every day I'd wake up and I felt like I had something sitting on my chest until I could see what they were saying. And it's so sad because I think back to if this was happening to my daughters. And the thing is, we would say to them, just don't care, don't worry about it. But the thing is, again, we're human, of course we care. And I think that's just not realistic and we need to change a bit of the advice we're giving to people around this because I know firsthand how much it sucks. There's a beautiful lady who also had a blog and I remember telling her about it. And she was one of the people that said, just don't look at it, Steph. And I don't know why you put yourself through this. And then sadly, which obviously I hated for her, I think it was like a year later, they started commenting about her. And she came to me and she said, Steph, I'm so, so sorry.
00:20:07
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:20:08
Speaker 1: I had no idea it would feel like this. And that's the thing is it's so easy to give someone advice but unless you're in their shoes and actually are in that situation, you don't know what it feels like. So after living with this for so long and it affecting everything, you know, guys, like I wanted to close everything down. I wanted to delete my Instagram. The amount of times I wanted to delete everything and Ryan was like, don't you dare.
00:20:35
Speaker 2: It was a lot.
00:20:36
Speaker 1: And I started going to therapy for it. And after telling her everything about the forum and how everything was really affecting me, she said to me, Steph, okay, these people are saying these things, but what is the worst thing that can happen? And I sat there and I actually didn't know what to say for once, which is saying a lot. And the thing is, I couldn't answer it because I realised that I'd been treating people these feelings is the same thing that this hurts versus I feel unsafe. My body physically felt unsafe reading those things. And I'm sure you can relate when you have to do public speaking or you have to do a speech at school, the feeling you get beforehand, it makes you feel like you've been chased by a tiger. And the reason for this is that when we were cavemen, we had to belong in a pack. We had to be in a group because if we were excluded from You would literally die. You would get eaten by a saber-toothed tiger and you'd be screwed. But sadly, our psychology hasn't caught up to the fact that those girls are just being mean girls and they're not adding you to the group chat. You're not actually about to die.
00:21:49
Speaker 2: But it feels the same.
00:21:51
Speaker 1: And that's why it's so hard for us to kind of separate the two. And I realised in that moment that they could say whatever they wanted, but they physically can't get to me, that I was safe.
00:22:03
Speaker 2: But for me to learn that lesson, it took time.
00:22:05
Speaker 1: It took time to see that this could be going on and my life would go on as usual.
00:22:12
Speaker 2: It would go on as normal.
00:22:13
Speaker 1: Because the thing is, I'm very lucky. My community, I don't really get much hate to my actual pages. And it really helped me. It was kind of like gathering evidence that the longer it went on and the longer I was okay and being aware of this, that everything was like they can't touch me. And it really was, I was handing over my power to them for so many years. And then there's also this thing that our brain likes to do. I'm sure that you would relate to this. Like I mentioned before, I was getting all these comments saying, Steph, start a podcast, blah, blah, blah, and getting all these beautiful comments every day and messages saying how much I've helped them and things like that. And then I was still hanging on to this one negative comment. And it happens again in real life. You could be getting dressed up. And your friends are like saying, you look so great.
00:23:00
Speaker 2: You look amazing.
00:23:01
Speaker 1: And then you walk up and say, I don't know, your mother says, oh, you decided to wear that. And you hang on to that. And then you suddenly feel that you look like shit. So sadly, our brain does do this thing called negative bias, which basically means that the negative stuff tends to grab our attention harder than the positive. Same as the dog mama forever, whatever her name was. And it explains why you can get 20 lovely comments and one half shitty one. And you're like, yep, that's the one. That's the one I'm taking home with me. And again, having, you know, people with ADHD, it adds another layer to this because not all of us have rejection sensitivity disorder or whatever it's called, but it does hit us faster and harder before we know the facts. And it is hard, especially, you know, It means that basically the feeling gets there before the reasoning does, before we know the facts. Now, I like to say after this therapy session, I was cured and I felt better. But as I said, it took time. It took time for me to see that, okay, I'm cool.
00:24:07
Speaker 2: I'm safe. Everything's going to be okay.
00:24:09
Speaker 1: But it kind of got to this one event that really did make me view things differently. So I went to a Priceline event and Ida Buttrose was talking there and she was doing a Q & A. And someone asked her how she handled the horrible anonymous troll letters that she used to receive and trolls online. And she said something along the lines of, if you opened your mailbox and there was a letter in there with no sender on the back, would you even bother opening it? No, you'd probably throw it straight in the bin where it belongs. And I remember sitting there thinking, fuck, not only was I opening the mail, I was going through other people's mailboxes and opening theirs and then coming home and sticking it on my fridge. You know, I was seeking out these comments, these nasty opinions on myself. And yes, I'm human, but I was actively going through other people's mailboxes. The thing is, not everything that gets delivered to you and said to you deserves to be opened, analysed and taken seriously. And that's where I really started thinking differently about whose words I was actually going to give weight to, to give airtime to. Because some feedback absolutely deserves your attention. There's a difference between feedback, healthy communication and then just criticism and nastiness. But not every opinion with my name on it deserves the same weight. So now there are three things that I try to look at before I decide if someone's words will influence me. And this is what I like to call the mailbox triage because it's three kind of questions. And obviously, Aita really helped me with this. So question one, who sent it? Who is this person in my life? Do they actually know me and respect me? Would I ask them for advice? Are they the type of person that I am inspired by, that I would like to show up as? Because if I never would go to this person for advice, why would I listen to the words that they're saying to me?
00:26:21
Speaker 2: You know, why did.
00:26:22
Speaker 1: Dog Mum Forever get a vote on whether or not I should start a podcast? Why did she get to be on, you know, the panel of my career decisions? You know, not every letter deserves to be read intentionally. if it's in your mailbox and especially if it's in someone else's mailbox. Question two, is there anything useful in this? Now, I don't want you to take this as whatever someone says, there's truth to it because that's absolutely not true. Usually, you'll find that hurt people hurt people. Now, I'm going to tell you a bit of a story and this is what really demonstrated this to me. And again, I'm coming at this from very good intentions, but Basically, I once, again, Instagram message, I once had a woman Instagram message me and she said, all you do is fluff around your house all day, like something along those lines. Like you always just fluff around your house. Why don't you actually get out and do something with your kids and be a good mom? And of course that really hurt because obviously my Instagram is, I share organization, I share routines and I did, I've always tried to keep my, you know, my kids not on there as much, especially now I don't show them, but it was a bit of a rough one to hear. So I've always tried to really come at people in an understanding way.
00:27:36
Speaker 2: I don't ever retaliate.
00:27:38
Speaker 1: I usually don't even reply to people, but with this, I kind of felt called to because yes, I was definitely triggered.
00:27:43
Speaker 2: And I just said, I'm so sorry.
00:27:45
Speaker 1: I said something like along the lines, I'm sorry that you think that way, but please just remember this is only like 5% of my day.
00:27:51
Speaker 2: That you see.
00:27:52
Speaker 1: Anyways, it turns out that this poor woman, she actually had stage three cancer and she had is confined to her house because she's not well. So you can see that because of sadly what she's, her being stuck in her house, of course she's seeing someone like me, you know, she's assuming I'm at home all the time and she's like, why don't you get out?
00:28:13
Speaker 2: Because that's what she wants.
00:28:14
Speaker 1: So, you know, and that's where I think that being someone that does have emotions and is a bit sensitive, this can come in handy because instead of me seeing that and then just, you know, getting angry. Instead, I just send her compassion because I couldn't imagine what that would feel like for her. You know, she was really struggling and spending so much time inside and she desperately just wanted to be out with doing normal things with her kids. And that doesn't mean that every criticism is a projection or that everybody who doesn't like you is secretly jealous. You know, sometimes you do need to hear feedback from people. Maybe sometimes, you know, like someone you love, you maybe have you know, continually to do something that is hurting them. But it's all about just saying, okay, does this person respect me and do I respect them enough to hear them out? And the next question is, and the last question is, have they seen the whole movie? Now, just remember, you can have even a best friend in your life, but they don't see your day-to-day.
00:29:17
Speaker 2: So unless someone.
00:29:20
Speaker 1: Genuinely walks in your shoes and They can't judge you for the way that you show up and the way you handle things. You know, sadly, there is a lot of people that do like to assume and jump to conclusions. They see maybe one decision you make or one moment, and they create a whole story in their head.
00:29:37
Speaker 2: Sadly, humans do that.
00:29:39
Speaker 1: And the thing is, like, even I would do that when I'm taking things personally and I fill in the blanks because clearly my brain lacks comprehension. And we do it naturally as humans so we can understand and try and make sense of things. But this can also be a downfall. And things aren't black and white. There's People are allowed to have their theory, but you don't have to necessarily organize your life around that. And you don't have to explain yourself. I think when you decide that you're done trying to prove yourself to people who aren't worth it in the nicest way possible, you'll.
00:30:16
Speaker 2: Be set free. Because what people say about you has nothing to do with you.
00:30:22
Speaker 1: And once you just kind of wipe your hands of that as much as you can, again, I'm not going to say let them, but let yourself live, you know, let yourself live. And you might sit there saying, okay, Steph, it passes all three. So say this is someone that I respect and they've come to me and said, Steph, what you did last week really, really hurt me. So I ask what part of this belongs to me? Is there something I need to own? And do I need to apologize? And is there something that I can take away from this to, you know, be better next time? And if there is, take it and actually do something with it. So all in all guys, I think just trying to be someone that just doesn't care what people think and not give a shit and, you know, follow the let them theory. I think, yeah, maybe that does work for some people. But if you're someone that has a big heart and you feel passionately about a lot of things, that is, it is your superpower. And there's so many areas in life that, again, you're able to then see people with compassion instead of having, holding a grudge and things like that. Nobody's opinion earns the right to edit who you are. You always care what people think.
00:31:29
Speaker 2: You're human.
00:31:30
Speaker 1: The skill isn't caring less. It's about weighing the words better. And nobody gets to edit you unless they've earned the pen. And just remember something can hurt you without it automatically meaning that it's true. I hope you guys enjoyed today's episode. I hope this helped. And please like, As always, please subscribe to my show. If you please leave a review, I would really, really appreciate it. And tag you listening to this episode on Instagram and if it resonated with you. And I love getting your DMs and telling me your own stories and takes on it. So thanks, guys, and I'll be back in your ears on Monday.
