WEBVTT
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She wants to fire with smoke on a boat.
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Hill back to see it, still carry home.
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Hands full of stuff.
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Has full of bow.
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They tried the breakup.
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He got a bow.
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Now watch your eyes.
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Watch your bow.
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All night or call heavy took the face.
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You picked up the day and put it back in place.
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Thanks for tuning in to another episode, and we have a guest today, so let's get into SDK story time.
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Yeah.
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It's Ash on the track.
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SDK Sisters, yeah, we back.
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Pull up a seat.
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It's story time now.
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Real talk, real laugh.
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Let me show you how.
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SDK Sisters story time with Ash.
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Little life lessons in the flash.
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From the color to the chaos we clash.
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SDK Sisters story time with Ash.
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And today we have Nikki on the show.
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Welcome to the show.
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Thank you.
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Thank you for having me, Ash.
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And you can go ahead and tell your story.
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Okay, so um my story is is complex.
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It starts early.
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Uh I am a survivor of domestic violence from you know before I could actually remember.
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So I was introduced to, you know, abuse, to neglect, to narcissism, um, to hurt, to pain, to sadness, um at a very early age is almost like the only thing that I know.
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Um, so I'm 45 now and I'm grateful to say that, you know, despite all of my experiences and things that you might hear um regarding my story, that I am resilient and the most high has covered me, he has kept me, and I have managed to stay as intact as possible um despite any of these, you know, traumatic events.
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Uh so I will just start um by being molested from three to 15 years old by my uncle, who was my brother's, um not my brother's, but um my dad's brother.
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Uh my father was also abusive, so I witnessed my mother um being abused and just all around a very southern, dysfunctional family, and that kind of shaped uh my view of the world, my view of relationships, my view of what women, you know, do, what they can um endure, what they should endure.
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Um, and so, you know, growing up in that type of household, you know, it was like if only the walls could talk, because my mom, she had a decent job.
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She was a bright winner of the family.
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We, you know, shopped at Nordstrom's.
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I had$300 dresses for Easter.
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We kept our hair done.
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Um, and you would not think by looking on me, looking at me on the outside that we had the type of household that we did.
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Um, it was very dark, it was very um anxious.
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Um, so you know, kind of moving along to my teenage years, I guess at the age of, you know, 15, I decided to have, you know, sex on my own accord.
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I was molested from 3 to 13, so I kind of was able to take that and use that as a power to make that decision myself.
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And I ended up with my now 29-year-old.
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Um, I got pregnant with her at 15.
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Uh, and I had her when I was 16.
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Uh, a little bit later, I met my first husband here in South Carolina.
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I was visiting from Alaska.
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My father was in the military.
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Um, so I came home for a vacation and I met this tall, bright-skinned, curly haired gentleman.
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Of course, I gave him like a hard time because I'm, you know, just naturally just hard to get next to, um, and always have been.
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Um, but you know, we sparked a conversation and you know, he took interest in me.
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Um, he was a little bit older than me.
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I think at that time I was maybe 16 and a half, turn 17, and he was like 19.
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He was pretty self-sufficient, had his own job, had his own place.
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Uh he also had his own felon, felony that I wasn't aware of until much, until much later.
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And that kind of shaped um the abuse that it is that I went through uh being married to him.
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And a lot of times they say that um girls marry their dad and marry my dad, I did.
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So um, you I met this guy.
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Uh we've talked for a little bit under six months.
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He asked me to marry him.
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I said yes.
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We got married.
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Um, goodness gracious, it's been so long ago, and I'd love to forget the whole, you know the whole thing.
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But um, again, I think it was 1999 or 2000 that we got married.
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So um I actually was not quite 18 years old.
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He had already shown signs of abuse, but because just like your intro said, she didn't know.
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There were things that um I had learned to accept and that I had what's the word that I'm looking for, um kind of internalized as far as you know what a relationship was and what it looked like, what was acceptable, um that I didn't walk away.
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I didn't have the tools necessary to walk away, um, or even ascertain, you know, the red flags.
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That's not a term that came out until much later.
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Um so we got married, and it was maybe a couple months later I had to file my taxes.
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So I filed taxes under my married name with my husband, and my taxes got garnished.
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Uh when I found out what my taxes were garnished for, come to find out, the man that I married was H.
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Ellen.
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He was 19.
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It would have, I never would have thought to do a background check on him.
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And this was back in, you know, late, late 90s, early 2000s.
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So all of the resources um that are available to young women now and women now were not things that were, you know, being circulated anywhere.
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Uh some of them actually signed for me to get married, even though there was abuse, which just speaks volumes to me as far as where her mental health was and what her um what value she put on herself and and and me as a as her daughter.
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Uh, we grew up in a Christian household, you know, it was church, it was just five days out of the week.
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Um, and you know, I wasn't able to, I wasn't allowed to listen to secular music um unless you know I snuck to do it and things of that nature.
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So, you know, God was a pillar in a household where the devil, you know what I'm saying, run amok.
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So um she allowed me to get married shy of being 18 years old, and then I found out that he was a felon, and that is kind of when the abuse kind of magnified, increased, because I guess he didn't have that to hide behind anymore, and it was like the cats out of the bag.
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Um, so he uh the type of man that it was that he was wasn't like, you know, a punch me in the face, uh type of female because I talk back.
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Um he really wanted to resolve issues where I was the one to kind of run away.
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She's a runner, she's a truck star.
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You know, I run away from conflict.
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I see that there is an issue and that it's probably not gonna be resolved.
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And my first um instinct is to remove myself.
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Um, so that was the conflict that caused him to be more aggressive and more abusive for a majority of the issues that it is that we had.
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Um, outside of the fact that I believe um when a man cannot be honest and truthful with a woman as to what it is that he's dealing with, or you know, the issues that it is that he's facing, that she can indirectly um experience like the aggression, the anger, the frustration, the disappointment that the man might be feeling, and she doesn't know why.
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Um so it was a point in time that after I discovered that he was a felon, uh we we couldn't see, we stay married, I was young.
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Um we were staying in a hotel.
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I was working for my mom.
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She always was an entrepreneur.
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I was also working as a manager for JC Penny, and we had my my sister's children who she was going through a crack addiction at the moment.
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So me, I'm 17 and a half, 18 years old with my child and six other children that are all in the age range of three and 10 years old.
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So um I asked him, I sat down with him, I asked him, you know, if he was gonna get a job.
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And he didn't particularly care for me asking him that question.
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He asked me if I was giving him an ultimatum, and I was like, no, you know what I mean?
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I need help.
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Um not even being cognizant enough, being emotionally aware enough, having enough life experience to say, you know, to myself, hey, you know, this man is a felon.
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He's probably having a hard time, you know, finding um a job.
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Uh, he's not sharing that with me.
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So, you know, I'm just a little oblivious to how to navigate that particular situation, but I'm not uh aggressive um female, I'm not a um like nasty or disrespectful um type of female.
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So when I was talking to him, I was speaking to him humbly.
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However, however, he internalized what it was that he was dealing with and the conversation that was being had, it was like I said, are you giving me an automato?
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So I'm like, no, I'm not giving you an automato.
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Um and that night was probably one of the worst nights in my life because um with a room full of people in a hotel between two rooms, he kept me locked in in the back room, uh, you know, pretty much screaming for my life, but nobody was hearing me or all like young kids.
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It was late.
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And of course, I don't think anybody was ignoring me on purpose.
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I just think that, you know, the time of night that it was, nobody was cognizant of what was going on.
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So, you know, they weren't hearing it.
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But at some point he had told me to bow down to him.
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And I was like, no, you know, I'm not gonna do that.
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Uh so he proceeded to drag me from the back room through the hotel room, past the kitchen area, past everybody that was sleeping, out of the door, took me outside to the um outside of the hotel that it is that we were standing at.
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It was a gravel parking lot, and he's six foot two, I'm five foot two.
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Um, he picked me up over his head and just kind of dropped me on my back on the gravel, like boom, and took me back into the room.
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Uh I'm crying.
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I'm shocked.
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I am scared.
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Uh and you know, that's kind of led to an all-night thing, and he wanted to lay with me.
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It was a two beds in that room.
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Um, he wanted to lay with me.
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I didn't want to lay with him, but he forced me, you know, to kind of lay with him.
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And, you know, of course, they're always sorry after they do, you know, something to hurt you.
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And that next morning I woke up in a pool of blood.
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Um, from that point on, I think I've dropped off a two-story balcony.
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I've been splayed in the face with Clorox cleanup.
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Um, I've been stalked.
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Um, I've been slapped.
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Uh and all of those things took place over the next eight years that it were, it was that we were married.
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There were definitely times in between that he was incarcerated for domestic violence.
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Um, we had two children together.
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Later he absconded with my children.
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He left the state of Alaska, ended up in um Georgia, and I was separated from my kids for approximately about five years before I got them back.
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Um, so that's pretty much everything in a nutshell, just to not, you know, I I I can't even probably recall every single instance of abuse, and I'm grateful for that.
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Um but the the hotel instance and the jumping off of the balcony um and being sprayed with Clorox cleanup are definitely two experiences that I will always remember.
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Um and that definitely had an impact on not only my body, um, but through even through that the type of person that it is that I am, um, and also being able to transmute all of that energy into the person that it is that I am today, and you know, just being positive and still having hope and still loving and still caring um for people it's it's had a major impact on who it is I am, but not necessarily in a bad way.
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First off, I want to say thank you for sharing this story, and your resilience is amazing.
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And why did he have them for five years?
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He just took them away from you?
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Um, so yeah, I filed for a divorce um due to domestic violence in the state of Alaska.
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Um, I want to say in 2001.
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Uh at that point, we had been co-parented, and it wasn't my um my goal to separate him from his kids.
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At that point, I had not seen any abuse regarding him and our children.
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I just wanted out of the marriage so that I could heal, you know, and move on with my life.
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Um, so contrary to what my legal representation had recommended, which was him being on supervised visitation, and it was, you know, as a woman who really just wants to be done with the situation, doesn't want to add fuel to the fire, does not have ulterior motives, is not trying to use the children to control, you know, the situation, I decided against having him on supervised visitation.
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We had co-parented at that point pretty well.
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Um I was going to school, I would drop the kids off, you know, to him.
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Uh, he would have them for a couple days, I'd do, you know, a couple days ahead of schoolwork, I go and pick them up, I do the hair, um, I have them for a couple days, and we just repeat that cycle.
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Um, but when it came to the divorce, I believe that because I did not follow up with or implement the supervised visitation that that gave him the, well, it's not even a belief, it definitely did.
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Um, that gave him the opportunity to disappear with my children.
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So he left the state of Alaska and went to Georgia.
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Um, I wasn't able to find them for about seven to nine months.
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And so that was that was how it started.
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And when I moved back down to South Carolina to get to be closer to my children, I didn't want to just uproot them.
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I I felt, you know, when you're a mother, you you don't put your feelings ahead of what is in the best interest of the children.
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And although, you know, their best interest was to be with me, I didn't feel like their best interest was to remove them from where it was that they had been established for, you know, a considerable amount of time with nothing to give them, you know, just me, no bed, no clothes, no anything, just, you know, off of the strength of, oh, you took them for me and they're supposed to be with me.
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So it did take um quite some time for me to actually get my kids back.
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And they decided that they wanted to come back to live with their mother at the age that they were able to say, hey, you know, and it was the child's decision as far as where it is that they want to stay, because when it comes to finances and the legal system, if you don't have any money, then you don't have any resources.
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And I also found a call up to Washington, DC, um, you know, back and back again, um, all of the resources in any con any um organization that it is that I could think of or I could find or I could research um that would help women that have been, you know, in domestic violence situations to help me to get my children back.
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And those resources just weren't there.
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So um it did take five years for me to get my children back.
00:21:52.480 --> 00:21:54.559
Yeah, I totally understand that.
00:21:54.799 --> 00:21:59.759
And I had another question, and feel free not to add, I mean, answer if it's too uncomfortable.
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Um when you finally told someone about your uncle, uh, what was that response like?
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Um, so I do remember being probably about five years old, and I must have told my parents that my uncle was touching me inappropriately.
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He used to babysit us.
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Um, and they did something that anyone who is concerned about the best interest of a child shouldn't do, which is put them in the same room as the perpetrator.
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So I learned fairly early that, you know, I wasn't gonna be protected and I probably wasn't going to be believed.
00:22:51.359 --> 00:23:02.559
Um, so it wasn't again until I was 13 um that I said something again, and that was because my little sister was being touched.
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Um, so I was a little bit more um assertive about what was going on.
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However, um as a lot of black families I feel, most especially in the South, do uh I was a liar.
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Um in pretty much.
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And you know, that it didn't have to be said that you are a liar.
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Um, but the actions and the things that were said after I revealed, you know, what was what was going on was pretty much that.
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So um there was nothing done about that situation.
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I think when I was five, we moved to Baltimore from South Carolina, but we ended up back in South Carolina at some point, not too soon after that, maybe a year, maybe two years after that.
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So um he has been or was a constant uh figure in my life from as early as it is I can remember until at least about 15 or 16 years old.
00:24:09.759 --> 00:24:12.160
I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
00:24:12.480 --> 00:24:24.319
Um and I want to say thank you for being so open and even when I had reached out, I know you're like, absolutely, I'll I'll do your podcast.
00:24:24.480 --> 00:24:27.359
So thank you for being so willing to share your story.
00:24:27.839 --> 00:24:29.039
Oh no, absolutely.
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Like, I'm an advocate at heart.
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Um I'm Pisces, people be like, there you go with the zodiac silence again.
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But um, I believe it's true.
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Um, I am an advocate at heart, and I never minded sharing my story, most especially um for young girls who may have a child, you know, who may feel like um they they need to settle down, they need to be in a relationship that that is the natural order of things, that they feel shame, maybe because they had a child at a wedlock or a child at an early age.
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Do your research.
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Do not allow anyone, parents or man or otherwise, church organizations to try to talk you into um being in a relationship or fast-tracking being a wife before you can learn to love yourself and you want to do that so that you can love your child and you can provide them with the best opportunities as possible, because you know, wasting your time with the wrong individual can really steal a lot of opportunities and time from you.
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So uh never minded talking about those things because if it can help anyone, if it can shed some light on a situation, on an issue, if it can enlighten anyone, then I want to definitely be able to do that.
00:26:00.640 --> 00:26:02.160
Thank you so much.
00:26:02.319 --> 00:26:05.920
And if someone wants to contact you, how can they contact you?
00:26:06.640 --> 00:26:13.599
Um, so I am on TikTok as it's Petty P-E-T-T-I LaBelle.
00:26:14.400 --> 00:26:17.200
Um, like Patty LaBelle, I used to sing.
00:26:17.359 --> 00:26:19.279
So they used to call me Patasia.
00:26:19.839 --> 00:26:22.160
Maybe we could talk about that another time.
00:26:22.400 --> 00:26:26.960
Um, but that's a combination of Patty LaBelle and like your name, though.
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I was like Patty LaBelle.
00:26:29.599 --> 00:26:36.000
It's Patty LaBelle on TikTok and on Facebook it is Janae J-E-N-E.
00:26:36.880 --> 00:26:45.200
One word, say S-A-I-S-Q-U-O-I, say qua um two words on Facebook.
00:26:45.599 --> 00:26:48.319
Yeah, and I'm gonna put that in the description.
00:26:48.480 --> 00:26:52.240
I was surprised how many people actually had the name on Facebook.
00:26:52.400 --> 00:26:53.599
I was like, Oh, right.
00:26:53.920 --> 00:26:55.200
Yeah, no, they got it for me.
00:26:55.599 --> 00:26:59.119
This is such a unique name, and I was like trying to find you.
00:26:59.359 --> 00:27:02.720
Um, yeah, in French it means it's something about her.
00:27:03.359 --> 00:27:08.079
So um it's it's actually a French uh thing.
00:27:08.640 --> 00:27:09.119
Oh, okay.
00:27:09.359 --> 00:27:12.000
I was like, oh, what in the world is happening?
00:27:12.319 --> 00:27:19.119
Um is there one last piece of advice you would like to give any lady listening?
00:27:20.240 --> 00:27:22.079
Transmute the energy.
00:27:22.319 --> 00:27:33.359
Um talk to yourself positively, um, and believe that what it is that you desire can be yours, but it takes work.
00:27:33.759 --> 00:27:42.559
Uh, you'll have to deny certain circumstances, desi deny certain uh environments, deny certain people.
00:27:42.880 --> 00:27:48.319
Um, but in the end, it's going to benefit you more than that temporary gratification.
00:27:48.559 --> 00:27:51.599
So um I'm definitely about transmitting energy.
00:27:51.839 --> 00:27:55.440
So um that's gonna be my advice.
00:27:57.039 --> 00:27:58.400
And thank you once again.
00:27:58.559 --> 00:28:01.039
Thank you, Nikki, for coming on the show.
00:28:02.079 --> 00:28:03.440
Absolutely, thank you for having me.
00:28:03.759 --> 00:28:04.799
You are welcome.
00:28:04.960 --> 00:28:06.640
And we are gonna talk after this.
00:28:06.799 --> 00:28:08.720
You know, we talk about government contracting.
00:28:09.039 --> 00:28:11.279
But um yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am, definitely.
00:28:11.920 --> 00:28:13.359
Yes, interested in that.
00:28:14.799 --> 00:28:20.319
And SDK family, I will see you guys next Wednesday.
00:28:28.960 --> 00:28:33.839
Y'all it's ash on the mic, we out, that's the end.
00:28:34.079 --> 00:28:36.559
If you felt this one, it's your telephone.
00:28:36.880 --> 00:28:39.440
Thanks for riding with me every take, every dance.
00:28:39.759 --> 00:28:42.160
See you next Wednesday, SDK fan.
00:28:42.559 --> 00:28:48.000
See you next Wednesday, Ash on your air with talking on my friends.
00:28:48.319 --> 00:28:50.559
Thank you for the day one dance.
00:28:50.799 --> 00:28:53.599
See you next Wednesday, SDK Fan.
00:00:11.839 --> 00:00:15.279
She wants to fire with smoke on a boat.
00:00:17.359 --> 00:00:20.960
Hill back to see it, still carry home.
00:00:23.120 --> 00:00:24.640
Hands full of stuff.
00:00:25.120 --> 00:00:26.640
Has full of bow.
00:00:28.640 --> 00:00:30.079
They tried the breakup.
00:00:31.120 --> 00:00:32.240
He got a bow.
00:00:34.320 --> 00:00:35.759
Now watch your eyes.
00:00:36.079 --> 00:00:36.960
Watch your bow.
00:01:03.039 --> 00:01:05.840
All night or call heavy took the face.
00:01:08.719 --> 00:01:11.680
You picked up the day and put it back in place.
00:02:49.039 --> 00:02:54.479
Thanks for tuning in to another episode, and we have a guest today, so let's get into SDK story time.
00:02:54.960 --> 00:02:55.360
Yeah.
00:02:56.159 --> 00:02:57.599
It's Ash on the track.
00:02:57.840 --> 00:03:00.159
SDK Sisters, yeah, we back.
00:03:00.639 --> 00:03:01.599
Pull up a seat.
00:03:01.680 --> 00:03:02.719
It's story time now.
00:03:02.800 --> 00:03:04.159
Real talk, real laugh.
00:03:04.240 --> 00:03:04.960
Let me show you how.
00:03:05.120 --> 00:03:07.599
SDK Sisters story time with Ash.
00:03:08.319 --> 00:03:10.319
Little life lessons in the flash.
00:03:10.639 --> 00:03:12.800
From the color to the chaos we clash.
00:03:12.960 --> 00:03:15.599
SDK Sisters story time with Ash.
00:03:28.719 --> 00:03:30.400
And today we have Nikki on the show.
00:03:30.560 --> 00:03:31.360
Welcome to the show.
00:03:33.120 --> 00:03:33.439
Thank you.
00:03:33.520 --> 00:03:34.879
Thank you for having me, Ash.
00:03:35.120 --> 00:03:37.039
And you can go ahead and tell your story.
00:03:39.199 --> 00:03:45.120
Okay, so um my story is is complex.
00:03:45.439 --> 00:03:46.800
It starts early.
00:03:46.960 --> 00:03:56.080
Uh I am a survivor of domestic violence from you know before I could actually remember.
00:03:56.319 --> 00:04:15.520
So I was introduced to, you know, abuse, to neglect, to narcissism, um, to hurt, to pain, to sadness, um at a very early age is almost like the only thing that I know.
00:04:15.680 --> 00:04:43.360
Um, so I'm 45 now and I'm grateful to say that, you know, despite all of my experiences and things that you might hear um regarding my story, that I am resilient and the most high has covered me, he has kept me, and I have managed to stay as intact as possible um despite any of these, you know, traumatic events.
00:04:43.600 --> 00:04:56.319
Uh so I will just start um by being molested from three to 15 years old by my uncle, who was my brother's, um not my brother's, but um my dad's brother.
00:04:56.480 --> 00:05:25.360
Uh my father was also abusive, so I witnessed my mother um being abused and just all around a very southern, dysfunctional family, and that kind of shaped uh my view of the world, my view of relationships, my view of what women, you know, do, what they can um endure, what they should endure.
00:05:25.519 --> 00:05:35.920
Um, and so, you know, growing up in that type of household, you know, it was like if only the walls could talk, because my mom, she had a decent job.
00:05:36.079 --> 00:05:38.399
She was a bright winner of the family.
00:05:38.560 --> 00:05:40.319
We, you know, shopped at Nordstrom's.
00:05:40.480 --> 00:05:42.800
I had$300 dresses for Easter.
00:05:43.040 --> 00:05:44.800
We kept our hair done.
00:05:45.040 --> 00:05:56.079
Um, and you would not think by looking on me, looking at me on the outside that we had the type of household that we did.
00:05:56.240 --> 00:06:00.480
Um, it was very dark, it was very um anxious.
00:06:00.720 --> 00:06:13.360
Um, so you know, kind of moving along to my teenage years, I guess at the age of, you know, 15, I decided to have, you know, sex on my own accord.
00:06:13.519 --> 00:06:22.160
I was molested from 3 to 13, so I kind of was able to take that and use that as a power to make that decision myself.
00:06:22.240 --> 00:06:25.279
And I ended up with my now 29-year-old.
00:06:25.439 --> 00:06:27.920
Um, I got pregnant with her at 15.
00:06:28.079 --> 00:06:30.879
Uh, and I had her when I was 16.
00:06:31.519 --> 00:06:36.639
Uh, a little bit later, I met my first husband here in South Carolina.
00:06:36.800 --> 00:06:38.079
I was visiting from Alaska.
00:06:38.160 --> 00:06:39.839
My father was in the military.
00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:49.680
Um, so I came home for a vacation and I met this tall, bright-skinned, curly haired gentleman.
00:06:49.920 --> 00:06:56.160
Of course, I gave him like a hard time because I'm, you know, just naturally just hard to get next to, um, and always have been.
00:06:56.560 --> 00:07:03.279
Um, but you know, we sparked a conversation and you know, he took interest in me.
00:07:03.519 --> 00:07:05.199
Um, he was a little bit older than me.
00:07:05.360 --> 00:07:10.079
I think at that time I was maybe 16 and a half, turn 17, and he was like 19.
00:07:10.319 --> 00:07:14.319
He was pretty self-sufficient, had his own job, had his own place.
00:07:14.959 --> 00:07:21.759
Uh he also had his own felon, felony that I wasn't aware of until much, until much later.
00:07:21.839 --> 00:07:29.040
And that kind of shaped um the abuse that it is that I went through uh being married to him.
00:07:29.120 --> 00:07:36.079
And a lot of times they say that um girls marry their dad and marry my dad, I did.
00:07:36.560 --> 00:07:41.519
So um, you I met this guy.
00:07:41.759 --> 00:07:45.360
Uh we've talked for a little bit under six months.
00:07:45.519 --> 00:07:46.879
He asked me to marry him.
00:07:47.040 --> 00:07:48.240
I said yes.
00:07:48.560 --> 00:07:49.680
We got married.
00:07:49.759 --> 00:07:59.199
Um, goodness gracious, it's been so long ago, and I'd love to forget the whole, you know the whole thing.
00:07:59.439 --> 00:08:06.800
But um, again, I think it was 1999 or 2000 that we got married.
00:08:07.040 --> 00:08:12.800
So um I actually was not quite 18 years old.
00:08:13.040 --> 00:08:19.600
He had already shown signs of abuse, but because just like your intro said, she didn't know.
00:08:19.759 --> 00:08:45.440
There were things that um I had learned to accept and that I had what's the word that I'm looking for, um kind of internalized as far as you know what a relationship was and what it looked like, what was acceptable, um that I didn't walk away.
00:08:45.600 --> 00:08:52.720
I didn't have the tools necessary to walk away, um, or even ascertain, you know, the red flags.
00:08:52.799 --> 00:08:55.360
That's not a term that came out until much later.
00:08:55.600 --> 00:09:04.159
Um so we got married, and it was maybe a couple months later I had to file my taxes.
00:09:04.720 --> 00:09:11.440
So I filed taxes under my married name with my husband, and my taxes got garnished.
00:09:12.080 --> 00:09:18.960
Uh when I found out what my taxes were garnished for, come to find out, the man that I married was H.
00:09:19.279 --> 00:09:19.519
Ellen.
00:09:19.679 --> 00:09:20.559
He was 19.
00:09:20.799 --> 00:09:24.399
It would have, I never would have thought to do a background check on him.
00:09:24.799 --> 00:09:30.559
And this was back in, you know, late, late 90s, early 2000s.
00:09:30.799 --> 00:09:43.039
So all of the resources um that are available to young women now and women now were not things that were, you know, being circulated anywhere.
00:09:43.279 --> 00:10:06.879
Uh some of them actually signed for me to get married, even though there was abuse, which just speaks volumes to me as far as where her mental health was and what her um what value she put on herself and and and me as a as her daughter.
00:10:07.039 --> 00:10:13.759
Uh, we grew up in a Christian household, you know, it was church, it was just five days out of the week.
00:10:13.919 --> 00:10:23.120
Um, and you know, I wasn't able to, I wasn't allowed to listen to secular music um unless you know I snuck to do it and things of that nature.
00:10:23.200 --> 00:10:30.720
So, you know, God was a pillar in a household where the devil, you know what I'm saying, run amok.
00:10:31.519 --> 00:10:55.519
So um she allowed me to get married shy of being 18 years old, and then I found out that he was a felon, and that is kind of when the abuse kind of magnified, increased, because I guess he didn't have that to hide behind anymore, and it was like the cats out of the bag.
00:10:55.919 --> 00:11:11.279
Um, so he uh the type of man that it was that he was wasn't like, you know, a punch me in the face, uh type of female because I talk back.
00:11:11.519 --> 00:11:19.840
Um he really wanted to resolve issues where I was the one to kind of run away.
00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:21.600
She's a runner, she's a truck star.
00:11:22.320 --> 00:11:24.559
You know, I run away from conflict.
00:11:24.720 --> 00:11:29.039
I see that there is an issue and that it's probably not gonna be resolved.
00:11:29.120 --> 00:11:34.720
And my first um instinct is to remove myself.
00:11:34.879 --> 00:11:48.000
Um, so that was the conflict that caused him to be more aggressive and more abusive for a majority of the issues that it is that we had.
00:11:48.559 --> 00:12:24.399
Um, outside of the fact that I believe um when a man cannot be honest and truthful with a woman as to what it is that he's dealing with, or you know, the issues that it is that he's facing, that she can indirectly um experience like the aggression, the anger, the frustration, the disappointment that the man might be feeling, and she doesn't know why.
00:12:24.639 --> 00:12:35.200
Um so it was a point in time that after I discovered that he was a felon, uh we we couldn't see, we stay married, I was young.
00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:38.480
Um we were staying in a hotel.
00:12:38.559 --> 00:12:40.159
I was working for my mom.
00:12:40.320 --> 00:12:42.080
She always was an entrepreneur.
00:12:42.240 --> 00:12:55.919
I was also working as a manager for JC Penny, and we had my my sister's children who she was going through a crack addiction at the moment.
00:12:56.159 --> 00:13:09.120
So me, I'm 17 and a half, 18 years old with my child and six other children that are all in the age range of three and 10 years old.
00:13:09.440 --> 00:13:15.679
So um I asked him, I sat down with him, I asked him, you know, if he was gonna get a job.
00:13:16.159 --> 00:13:22.879
And he didn't particularly care for me asking him that question.
00:13:23.120 --> 00:13:27.519
He asked me if I was giving him an ultimatum, and I was like, no, you know what I mean?
00:13:27.600 --> 00:13:28.639
I need help.
00:13:28.960 --> 00:13:41.440
Um not even being cognizant enough, being emotionally aware enough, having enough life experience to say, you know, to myself, hey, you know, this man is a felon.
00:13:41.519 --> 00:13:45.840
He's probably having a hard time, you know, finding um a job.
00:13:46.000 --> 00:13:47.919
Uh, he's not sharing that with me.
00:13:48.080 --> 00:14:06.000
So, you know, I'm just a little oblivious to how to navigate that particular situation, but I'm not uh aggressive um female, I'm not a um like nasty or disrespectful um type of female.
00:14:06.159 --> 00:14:10.080
So when I was talking to him, I was speaking to him humbly.
00:14:10.159 --> 00:14:20.799
However, however, he internalized what it was that he was dealing with and the conversation that was being had, it was like I said, are you giving me an automato?
00:14:20.960 --> 00:14:23.840
So I'm like, no, I'm not giving you an automato.
00:14:24.159 --> 00:14:46.639
Um and that night was probably one of the worst nights in my life because um with a room full of people in a hotel between two rooms, he kept me locked in in the back room, uh, you know, pretty much screaming for my life, but nobody was hearing me or all like young kids.
00:14:46.720 --> 00:14:47.279
It was late.
00:14:47.360 --> 00:14:50.960
And of course, I don't think anybody was ignoring me on purpose.
00:14:51.120 --> 00:14:56.480
I just think that, you know, the time of night that it was, nobody was cognizant of what was going on.
00:14:56.559 --> 00:14:58.639
So, you know, they weren't hearing it.
00:14:58.879 --> 00:15:02.799
But at some point he had told me to bow down to him.
00:15:03.600 --> 00:15:09.200
And I was like, no, you know, I'm not gonna do that.
00:15:09.519 --> 00:15:26.960
Uh so he proceeded to drag me from the back room through the hotel room, past the kitchen area, past everybody that was sleeping, out of the door, took me outside to the um outside of the hotel that it is that we were standing at.
00:15:27.360 --> 00:15:33.279
It was a gravel parking lot, and he's six foot two, I'm five foot two.
00:15:33.600 --> 00:15:44.879
Um, he picked me up over his head and just kind of dropped me on my back on the gravel, like boom, and took me back into the room.
00:15:45.200 --> 00:15:47.120
Uh I'm crying.
00:15:47.279 --> 00:15:48.480
I'm shocked.
00:15:48.720 --> 00:15:50.559
I am scared.
00:15:51.120 --> 00:15:59.679
Uh and you know, that's kind of led to an all-night thing, and he wanted to lay with me.
00:15:59.759 --> 00:16:01.200
It was a two beds in that room.
00:16:01.279 --> 00:16:02.399
Um, he wanted to lay with me.
00:16:02.480 --> 00:16:05.840
I didn't want to lay with him, but he forced me, you know, to kind of lay with him.
00:16:06.000 --> 00:16:12.559
And, you know, of course, they're always sorry after they do, you know, something to hurt you.
00:16:12.879 --> 00:16:15.519
And that next morning I woke up in a pool of blood.
00:16:15.679 --> 00:16:19.039
Um, from that point on, I think I've dropped off a two-story balcony.
00:16:19.120 --> 00:16:21.840
I've been splayed in the face with Clorox cleanup.
00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:23.440
Um, I've been stalked.
00:16:23.759 --> 00:16:26.080
Um, I've been slapped.
00:16:26.480 --> 00:16:35.440
Uh and all of those things took place over the next eight years that it were, it was that we were married.
00:16:35.519 --> 00:16:42.000
There were definitely times in between that he was incarcerated for domestic violence.
00:16:42.240 --> 00:16:44.480
Um, we had two children together.
00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:46.720
Later he absconded with my children.
00:16:46.799 --> 00:16:57.200
He left the state of Alaska, ended up in um Georgia, and I was separated from my kids for approximately about five years before I got them back.
00:16:57.440 --> 00:17:13.039
Um, so that's pretty much everything in a nutshell, just to not, you know, I I I can't even probably recall every single instance of abuse, and I'm grateful for that.
00:17:13.200 --> 00:17:28.240
Um but the the hotel instance and the jumping off of the balcony um and being sprayed with Clorox cleanup are definitely two experiences that I will always remember.
00:17:28.559 --> 00:18:02.400
Um and that definitely had an impact on not only my body, um, but through even through that the type of person that it is that I am, um, and also being able to transmute all of that energy into the person that it is that I am today, and you know, just being positive and still having hope and still loving and still caring um for people it's it's had a major impact on who it is I am, but not necessarily in a bad way.
00:18:04.640 --> 00:18:10.480
First off, I want to say thank you for sharing this story, and your resilience is amazing.
00:18:10.880 --> 00:18:14.000
And why did he have them for five years?
00:18:14.559 --> 00:18:16.079
He just took them away from you?
00:18:16.400 --> 00:18:22.480
Um, so yeah, I filed for a divorce um due to domestic violence in the state of Alaska.
00:18:23.039 --> 00:18:26.079
Um, I want to say in 2001.
00:18:26.720 --> 00:18:36.000
Uh at that point, we had been co-parented, and it wasn't my um my goal to separate him from his kids.
00:18:36.079 --> 00:18:42.079
At that point, I had not seen any abuse regarding him and our children.
00:18:42.240 --> 00:18:51.599
I just wanted out of the marriage so that I could heal, you know, and move on with my life.
00:18:51.839 --> 00:19:19.920
Um, so contrary to what my legal representation had recommended, which was him being on supervised visitation, and it was, you know, as a woman who really just wants to be done with the situation, doesn't want to add fuel to the fire, does not have ulterior motives, is not trying to use the children to control, you know, the situation, I decided against having him on supervised visitation.
00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:24.319
We had co-parented at that point pretty well.
00:19:25.039 --> 00:19:29.279
Um I was going to school, I would drop the kids off, you know, to him.
00:19:29.519 --> 00:19:40.960
Uh, he would have them for a couple days, I'd do, you know, a couple days ahead of schoolwork, I go and pick them up, I do the hair, um, I have them for a couple days, and we just repeat that cycle.
00:19:41.200 --> 00:19:58.480
Um, but when it came to the divorce, I believe that because I did not follow up with or implement the supervised visitation that that gave him the, well, it's not even a belief, it definitely did.
00:19:58.640 --> 00:20:02.880
Um, that gave him the opportunity to disappear with my children.
00:20:03.039 --> 00:20:06.799
So he left the state of Alaska and went to Georgia.
00:20:06.960 --> 00:20:11.119
Um, I wasn't able to find them for about seven to nine months.
00:20:11.440 --> 00:20:15.839
And so that was that was how it started.
00:20:16.000 --> 00:20:23.759
And when I moved back down to South Carolina to get to be closer to my children, I didn't want to just uproot them.
00:20:23.920 --> 00:20:33.519
I I felt, you know, when you're a mother, you you don't put your feelings ahead of what is in the best interest of the children.
00:20:33.680 --> 00:20:56.640
And although, you know, their best interest was to be with me, I didn't feel like their best interest was to remove them from where it was that they had been established for, you know, a considerable amount of time with nothing to give them, you know, just me, no bed, no clothes, no anything, just, you know, off of the strength of, oh, you took them for me and they're supposed to be with me.
00:20:56.799 --> 00:21:03.039
So it did take um quite some time for me to actually get my kids back.
00:21:03.119 --> 00:21:23.039
And they decided that they wanted to come back to live with their mother at the age that they were able to say, hey, you know, and it was the child's decision as far as where it is that they want to stay, because when it comes to finances and the legal system, if you don't have any money, then you don't have any resources.
00:21:23.279 --> 00:21:44.559
And I also found a call up to Washington, DC, um, you know, back and back again, um, all of the resources in any con any um organization that it is that I could think of or I could find or I could research um that would help women that have been, you know, in domestic violence situations to help me to get my children back.
00:21:44.640 --> 00:21:47.599
And those resources just weren't there.
00:21:47.759 --> 00:21:51.599
So um it did take five years for me to get my children back.
00:21:52.480 --> 00:21:54.559
Yeah, I totally understand that.
00:21:54.799 --> 00:21:59.759
And I had another question, and feel free not to add, I mean, answer if it's too uncomfortable.
00:22:00.880 --> 00:22:11.279
Um when you finally told someone about your uncle, uh, what was that response like?
00:22:12.960 --> 00:22:27.680
Um, so I do remember being probably about five years old, and I must have told my parents that my uncle was touching me inappropriately.
00:22:27.839 --> 00:22:29.440
He used to babysit us.
00:22:29.599 --> 00:22:41.440
Um, and they did something that anyone who is concerned about the best interest of a child shouldn't do, which is put them in the same room as the perpetrator.
00:22:41.759 --> 00:22:51.200
So I learned fairly early that, you know, I wasn't gonna be protected and I probably wasn't going to be believed.
00:22:51.359 --> 00:23:02.559
Um, so it wasn't again until I was 13 um that I said something again, and that was because my little sister was being touched.
00:23:02.720 --> 00:23:10.880
Um, so I was a little bit more um assertive about what was going on.
00:23:11.440 --> 00:23:21.440
However, um as a lot of black families I feel, most especially in the South, do uh I was a liar.
00:23:21.680 --> 00:23:24.160
Um in pretty much.
00:23:24.319 --> 00:23:28.400
And you know, that it didn't have to be said that you are a liar.
00:23:28.640 --> 00:23:40.880
Um, but the actions and the things that were said after I revealed, you know, what was what was going on was pretty much that.
00:23:41.119 --> 00:23:44.640
So um there was nothing done about that situation.
00:23:44.799 --> 00:23:55.279
I think when I was five, we moved to Baltimore from South Carolina, but we ended up back in South Carolina at some point, not too soon after that, maybe a year, maybe two years after that.
00:23:55.440 --> 00:24:08.240
So um he has been or was a constant uh figure in my life from as early as it is I can remember until at least about 15 or 16 years old.
00:24:09.759 --> 00:24:12.160
I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
00:24:12.480 --> 00:24:24.319
Um and I want to say thank you for being so open and even when I had reached out, I know you're like, absolutely, I'll I'll do your podcast.
00:24:24.480 --> 00:24:27.359
So thank you for being so willing to share your story.
00:24:27.839 --> 00:24:29.039
Oh no, absolutely.
00:24:29.200 --> 00:24:31.119
Like, I'm an advocate at heart.
00:24:31.279 --> 00:24:36.160
Um I'm Pisces, people be like, there you go with the zodiac silence again.
00:24:36.319 --> 00:24:38.799
But um, I believe it's true.
00:24:38.960 --> 00:25:06.559
Um, I am an advocate at heart, and I never minded sharing my story, most especially um for young girls who may have a child, you know, who may feel like um they they need to settle down, they need to be in a relationship that that is the natural order of things, that they feel shame, maybe because they had a child at a wedlock or a child at an early age.
00:25:06.880 --> 00:25:08.799
Do your research.
00:25:09.039 --> 00:25:43.279
Do not allow anyone, parents or man or otherwise, church organizations to try to talk you into um being in a relationship or fast-tracking being a wife before you can learn to love yourself and you want to do that so that you can love your child and you can provide them with the best opportunities as possible, because you know, wasting your time with the wrong individual can really steal a lot of opportunities and time from you.
00:25:43.519 --> 00:25:59.519
So uh never minded talking about those things because if it can help anyone, if it can shed some light on a situation, on an issue, if it can enlighten anyone, then I want to definitely be able to do that.
00:26:00.640 --> 00:26:02.160
Thank you so much.
00:26:02.319 --> 00:26:05.920
And if someone wants to contact you, how can they contact you?
00:26:06.640 --> 00:26:13.599
Um, so I am on TikTok as it's Petty P-E-T-T-I LaBelle.
00:26:14.400 --> 00:26:17.200
Um, like Patty LaBelle, I used to sing.
00:26:17.359 --> 00:26:19.279
So they used to call me Patasia.
00:26:19.839 --> 00:26:22.160
Maybe we could talk about that another time.
00:26:22.400 --> 00:26:26.960
Um, but that's a combination of Patty LaBelle and like your name, though.
00:26:27.039 --> 00:26:28.400
I was like Patty LaBelle.
00:26:29.599 --> 00:26:36.000
It's Patty LaBelle on TikTok and on Facebook it is Janae J-E-N-E.
00:26:36.880 --> 00:26:45.200
One word, say S-A-I-S-Q-U-O-I, say qua um two words on Facebook.
00:26:45.599 --> 00:26:48.319
Yeah, and I'm gonna put that in the description.
00:26:48.480 --> 00:26:52.240
I was surprised how many people actually had the name on Facebook.
00:26:52.400 --> 00:26:53.599
I was like, Oh, right.
00:26:53.920 --> 00:26:55.200
Yeah, no, they got it for me.
00:26:55.599 --> 00:26:59.119
This is such a unique name, and I was like trying to find you.
00:26:59.359 --> 00:27:02.720
Um, yeah, in French it means it's something about her.
00:27:03.359 --> 00:27:08.079
So um it's it's actually a French uh thing.
00:27:08.640 --> 00:27:09.119
Oh, okay.
00:27:09.359 --> 00:27:12.000
I was like, oh, what in the world is happening?
00:27:12.319 --> 00:27:19.119
Um is there one last piece of advice you would like to give any lady listening?
00:27:20.240 --> 00:27:22.079
Transmute the energy.
00:27:22.319 --> 00:27:33.359
Um talk to yourself positively, um, and believe that what it is that you desire can be yours, but it takes work.
00:27:33.759 --> 00:27:42.559
Uh, you'll have to deny certain circumstances, desi deny certain uh environments, deny certain people.
00:27:42.880 --> 00:27:48.319
Um, but in the end, it's going to benefit you more than that temporary gratification.
00:27:48.559 --> 00:27:51.599
So um I'm definitely about transmitting energy.
00:27:51.839 --> 00:27:55.440
So um that's gonna be my advice.
00:27:57.039 --> 00:27:58.400
And thank you once again.
00:27:58.559 --> 00:28:01.039
Thank you, Nikki, for coming on the show.
00:28:02.079 --> 00:28:03.440
Absolutely, thank you for having me.
00:28:03.759 --> 00:28:04.799
You are welcome.
00:28:04.960 --> 00:28:06.640
And we are gonna talk after this.
00:28:06.799 --> 00:28:08.720
You know, we talk about government contracting.
00:28:09.039 --> 00:28:11.279
But um yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am, definitely.
00:28:11.920 --> 00:28:13.359
Yes, interested in that.
00:28:14.799 --> 00:28:20.319
And SDK family, I will see you guys next Wednesday.
00:28:28.960 --> 00:28:33.839
Y'all it's ash on the mic, we out, that's the end.
00:28:34.079 --> 00:28:36.559
If you felt this one, it's your telephone.
00:28:36.880 --> 00:28:39.440
Thanks for riding with me every take, every dance.
00:28:39.759 --> 00:28:42.160
See you next Wednesday, SDK fan.
00:28:42.559 --> 00:28:48.000
See you next Wednesday, Ash on your air with talking on my friends.
00:28:48.319 --> 00:28:50.559
Thank you for the day one dance.
00:28:50.799 --> 00:28:53.599
See you next Wednesday, SDK Fan.
