WEBVTT
00:00:01.040 --> 00:00:07.280
Welcome to Monster Vingotherapy, a client's introductory guide into the therapeutic world.
00:00:07.519 --> 00:00:14.320
Be sure to follow, subscribe, and comment on YouTube's notified podcast to schedule a therapy appointment.
00:00:14.480 --> 00:00:18.800
Call us at 650-223-5605.
00:00:19.199 --> 00:00:27.600
For more information on this and other related topics, check out our blog at Islotherapy.com, where you can also contact us through our website.
00:00:27.760 --> 00:00:33.439
I'm your host, Dalton Huckabee, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I'm grateful you've joined me.
00:00:33.759 --> 00:00:41.920
Hi everyone, Dalton Huckabee here, licensed marriage and family therapist, host of Now Serving a Cite of Therapy Podcast.
00:00:42.159 --> 00:00:51.920
And today marks the first episode where we're taking a little bit of a turn in our in the in the way that I'm making the the podcast episode.
00:00:52.320 --> 00:01:05.519
In that I wanted to expand and offer my own insights and some research into Lindsay's uh discussion around grief and loss.
00:01:05.920 --> 00:01:16.480
In a short moment, I'm going to go over a guide that you can use as a as a tool that can engage you in your own individualized grief and loss process.
00:01:16.959 --> 00:01:21.120
Something that actually Lindsay created, and it's on the isotherapy website.
00:01:21.760 --> 00:01:28.400
When we talk about grief and loss, I like to refer to the definition outlined in John W.
00:01:28.560 --> 00:01:34.000
James James's and Russell Friedman's The Grief Recovery Handbook.
00:01:34.319 --> 00:01:42.159
Now they define grief as the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.
00:01:42.480 --> 00:01:53.599
Gabor Mate will further describe it as something that shouldn't have happened, that did, or something that didn't happen that should have.
00:01:54.480 --> 00:02:00.159
Even something as small as our cell phones losing charge, dying of charge, right?
00:02:00.239 --> 00:02:03.439
Even that can be considered grief and loss related.
00:02:03.840 --> 00:02:22.080
Now, for the purposes of the discussion in this episode, it'll mostly revolve around grief and loss in response to the death of a loved one, but you might be able to see how the guidebook or the topic of discussion might even help you in processing other forms of grief and loss as well.
00:02:23.280 --> 00:02:36.159
Now, I have a working theory that when we carry around unresolved aspects of grief and loss, they can build up and contribute to the onset of anxiety and depression.
00:02:36.479 --> 00:02:40.879
So many things can contribute to anxiety and depression, right?
00:02:41.039 --> 00:02:46.800
And I have this working theory that unresolved aspects of grief and loss can contribute to that as well.
00:02:46.960 --> 00:03:02.639
In fact, research shows that 40% of bereaved individuals meet the criteria for depression in the first month after the loss, and 24% will exhibit those symptoms after two months of the loss.
00:03:03.280 --> 00:03:10.639
So have you ever experienced the loss of a loved one and didn't know how to navigate through the grief and loss process?
00:03:11.680 --> 00:03:14.159
Or even how to make sense of it all?
00:03:14.639 --> 00:03:24.240
Like I remember when my dad died and I was driving down the freeway and I had to pull the car over because I became overwhelmed with emotions, right?
00:03:24.479 --> 00:03:27.120
Or even when I was in the grocery store, right?
00:03:27.360 --> 00:03:31.840
Grief and loss can come up out of nowhere, even when we least expect it.
00:03:31.919 --> 00:03:33.039
And so that's the thing, right?
00:03:33.120 --> 00:03:34.879
We're kind of powerless over it.
00:03:35.120 --> 00:03:41.039
Yet, if we can learn how to recognize it, um, which will be part of this process, right?
00:03:41.199 --> 00:03:43.039
We can learn how to work with it.
00:03:44.240 --> 00:03:58.479
Um so you know, we you may have heard, like, you know, while we all experience the same loss, for example, if you know my dad died, my brother and I both had the same loss of our dad father dying, right?
00:03:59.120 --> 00:04:08.560
But we each have our own way of grieving, and there are a few things that go into that.
00:04:09.360 --> 00:04:26.319
Um, this aspect of a differential grief acknowledges that grief can come from the destruction of the meaning that is drawn from the significant, unique relationship that we've had.
00:04:26.560 --> 00:04:35.920
So even though both of our dad had died, my brother has a unique relationship with him than I did, and I had a different relationship with him.
00:04:36.160 --> 00:05:02.319
And so therein we might be able to share some of the similarities that we have in the in that grieving process, but also at the same time, we can recognize how our own reconstruction process as a result as it are, as it were, as a result of the loss, even that can see how it's more of a personal process.
00:05:02.720 --> 00:05:21.600
So, again, to kind of to highlight some some aspects there, um, while we may experience the same loss, our grieving response is individualized, meaning we have our own process of making sense of this new reality.
00:05:22.879 --> 00:05:29.120
And so this idea of loss and differential grief in families comes from Kathleen R.
00:05:29.279 --> 00:05:34.399
Gilbert's article, We've Had the Same Loss, why don't we have the same grief?
00:05:34.879 --> 00:05:42.959
And in that article, she goes on to explain that sometimes the grieving process can be in relation to the family unit as well.
00:05:43.199 --> 00:05:52.639
So some people, in fact, might hide their grief, right, in an attempt to think that they may they're making a sense of calm, right?
00:05:52.879 --> 00:06:00.000
Or maybe they avoid their own healing because they think that their grieving process isn't as important as others, right?
00:06:00.560 --> 00:06:05.839
So they might even dismiss their own healing in an attempt to try to support others.
00:06:06.319 --> 00:06:10.560
We can see right how family roles might fall into play there.
00:06:10.800 --> 00:06:30.639
Either way, it is by going through our own healing process that enables us to be there for others in a way that encourages open and honest communication, which is an essential element deemed as part of the grief resolution in a family unit.
00:06:31.120 --> 00:06:41.920
Now, all that being said, there are common stages that can help us better understand ourselves and to support others when we were in that grieving process.
00:06:42.800 --> 00:06:47.040
I consider these these are considered, uh Gilbert considers these the three R's, right?
00:06:47.199 --> 00:06:50.160
Recognize, reorganize, and reinvest.
00:06:50.560 --> 00:07:06.000
Okay, we need to be able to recognize what's coming up for us, and how do we reorganize our lives after we have after that person is now out of our lives, we have to reorganize.
00:07:06.160 --> 00:07:13.759
Maybe they my dad, you know, maybe he was always coming over and doing all my handyman work at my house, right?
00:07:13.920 --> 00:07:25.680
Um, and so as then as a result of that, right, I need to kind of figure out, okay, well, now how am I going to have get help around my around someone filling that void, right?
00:07:25.759 --> 00:07:28.000
That he that that role that he provided.
00:07:28.160 --> 00:07:30.399
And so that's where the reinvesting part comes in.
00:07:30.560 --> 00:07:47.120
It's like, okay, we're still honoring the person who died, but we still need to reinvest what their role and what we what we might have find as a need, right, for for for that loss that we that we're experiencing.
00:07:47.360 --> 00:07:57.519
So again, recognizing what's coming up for us, how do we reorganize and shift our lives in such a way that is based on a new reality, right?
00:07:57.600 --> 00:08:18.399
We're now creating a new reality, um, because that person's no longer with us, and yet by still honoring their spirit, we can still figure out how to reinvest our our lives such that we can still continue to strive to um honor that person, right?
00:08:18.879 --> 00:08:28.800
Honor them and and their spirit while also still striving to find other ways that that fills that void or meets that need that they have provided.
00:08:29.040 --> 00:08:31.759
So hopefully that part makes sense.
00:08:32.000 --> 00:08:37.360
Um and so as we get into the this guide, right?
00:08:37.679 --> 00:08:52.159
That's again, it's on the isotherapy website, and it will guide you through some reflection processes, right, around the grief and grief and loss that you might be experiencing.
00:08:52.559 --> 00:08:55.440
The thing is, is that there is no rush around this, right?
00:08:55.600 --> 00:08:57.360
There's no right or wrong way.
00:08:57.519 --> 00:09:12.000
Um but in fact, how we show up for our lives and our and support our own mental and emotional well-being and healing can then better position us to support others as well.
00:09:12.960 --> 00:09:26.000
And this serves as an approach toward individual healing, which allows us to be able to explore with curiosity and compassion our own path toward healing from grief and loss.
00:09:26.720 --> 00:09:44.559
And so, what you'll see here in the grief and loss handbook, say for example, um, I like to go, just make it simple here, um, on page um eight, right?
00:09:44.639 --> 00:09:49.279
On the eighth page here says grief can feel really big and heavy sometimes.
00:09:49.679 --> 00:09:53.679
And what we can do is you can create a memory box, right?
00:09:54.080 --> 00:10:06.720
So you can go through and identify memories of the person, whether they're sad moments, funny moments, things that you miss about them, right, or even confusing feelings, right?
00:10:06.879 --> 00:10:23.360
Again, there's no right or wrong here, and so just being able to create that memory box, right, and jot down some of those memories that we have of them can be a way of engaging in our own emotional uh healing process.
00:10:23.519 --> 00:10:44.080
And so that's just as a brief example, but feel free to take a look at that guide more online and check out this trailer that uh from the grief and loss episode that we did with Lindsay, and you can find the full-length episode um posted in our in our category wherever our podcast is listed.
00:10:44.240 --> 00:10:47.360
All right, thanks for tuning in and hope you enjoy.
00:10:48.639 --> 00:10:56.399
Grief really isn't something that you just get over, it's something that you really learn to live with and it changes shape over time.
00:10:56.879 --> 00:11:05.279
It's more physical, emotional, cognitive, it's relational, it's spiritual, and it has so many different forms within it.
00:11:05.440 --> 00:11:06.320
Deal with it.
00:11:06.480 --> 00:11:15.440
Although it feels nasty, it is so important because our mental health and our physical health literally are the same thing and they believe in it.
00:11:16.559 --> 00:11:18.000
Thanks for tuning in this week.
00:11:18.240 --> 00:11:24.240
Be sure to check out our next episode as we continue to explore more elements of your therapeutic journey.
00:00:01.040 --> 00:00:07.280
Welcome to Monster Vingotherapy, a client's introductory guide into the therapeutic world.
00:00:07.519 --> 00:00:14.320
Be sure to follow, subscribe, and comment on YouTube's notified podcast to schedule a therapy appointment.
00:00:14.480 --> 00:00:18.800
Call us at 650-223-5605.
00:00:19.199 --> 00:00:27.600
For more information on this and other related topics, check out our blog at Islotherapy.com, where you can also contact us through our website.
00:00:27.760 --> 00:00:33.439
I'm your host, Dalton Huckabee, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I'm grateful you've joined me.
00:00:33.759 --> 00:00:41.920
Hi everyone, Dalton Huckabee here, licensed marriage and family therapist, host of Now Serving a Cite of Therapy Podcast.
00:00:42.159 --> 00:00:51.920
And today marks the first episode where we're taking a little bit of a turn in our in the in the way that I'm making the the podcast episode.
00:00:52.320 --> 00:01:05.519
In that I wanted to expand and offer my own insights and some research into Lindsay's uh discussion around grief and loss.
00:01:05.920 --> 00:01:16.480
In a short moment, I'm going to go over a guide that you can use as a as a tool that can engage you in your own individualized grief and loss process.
00:01:16.959 --> 00:01:21.120
Something that actually Lindsay created, and it's on the isotherapy website.
00:01:21.760 --> 00:01:28.400
When we talk about grief and loss, I like to refer to the definition outlined in John W.
00:01:28.560 --> 00:01:34.000
James James's and Russell Friedman's The Grief Recovery Handbook.
00:01:34.319 --> 00:01:42.159
Now they define grief as the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.
00:01:42.480 --> 00:01:53.599
Gabor Mate will further describe it as something that shouldn't have happened, that did, or something that didn't happen that should have.
00:01:54.480 --> 00:02:00.159
Even something as small as our cell phones losing charge, dying of charge, right?
00:02:00.239 --> 00:02:03.439
Even that can be considered grief and loss related.
00:02:03.840 --> 00:02:22.080
Now, for the purposes of the discussion in this episode, it'll mostly revolve around grief and loss in response to the death of a loved one, but you might be able to see how the guidebook or the topic of discussion might even help you in processing other forms of grief and loss as well.
00:02:23.280 --> 00:02:36.159
Now, I have a working theory that when we carry around unresolved aspects of grief and loss, they can build up and contribute to the onset of anxiety and depression.
00:02:36.479 --> 00:02:40.879
So many things can contribute to anxiety and depression, right?
00:02:41.039 --> 00:02:46.800
And I have this working theory that unresolved aspects of grief and loss can contribute to that as well.
00:02:46.960 --> 00:03:02.639
In fact, research shows that 40% of bereaved individuals meet the criteria for depression in the first month after the loss, and 24% will exhibit those symptoms after two months of the loss.
00:03:03.280 --> 00:03:10.639
So have you ever experienced the loss of a loved one and didn't know how to navigate through the grief and loss process?
00:03:11.680 --> 00:03:14.159
Or even how to make sense of it all?
00:03:14.639 --> 00:03:24.240
Like I remember when my dad died and I was driving down the freeway and I had to pull the car over because I became overwhelmed with emotions, right?
00:03:24.479 --> 00:03:27.120
Or even when I was in the grocery store, right?
00:03:27.360 --> 00:03:31.840
Grief and loss can come up out of nowhere, even when we least expect it.
00:03:31.919 --> 00:03:33.039
And so that's the thing, right?
00:03:33.120 --> 00:03:34.879
We're kind of powerless over it.
00:03:35.120 --> 00:03:41.039
Yet, if we can learn how to recognize it, um, which will be part of this process, right?
00:03:41.199 --> 00:03:43.039
We can learn how to work with it.
00:03:44.240 --> 00:03:58.479
Um so you know, we you may have heard, like, you know, while we all experience the same loss, for example, if you know my dad died, my brother and I both had the same loss of our dad father dying, right?
00:03:59.120 --> 00:04:08.560
But we each have our own way of grieving, and there are a few things that go into that.
00:04:09.360 --> 00:04:26.319
Um, this aspect of a differential grief acknowledges that grief can come from the destruction of the meaning that is drawn from the significant, unique relationship that we've had.
00:04:26.560 --> 00:04:35.920
So even though both of our dad had died, my brother has a unique relationship with him than I did, and I had a different relationship with him.
00:04:36.160 --> 00:05:02.319
And so therein we might be able to share some of the similarities that we have in the in that grieving process, but also at the same time, we can recognize how our own reconstruction process as a result as it are, as it were, as a result of the loss, even that can see how it's more of a personal process.
00:05:02.720 --> 00:05:21.600
So, again, to kind of to highlight some some aspects there, um, while we may experience the same loss, our grieving response is individualized, meaning we have our own process of making sense of this new reality.
00:05:22.879 --> 00:05:29.120
And so this idea of loss and differential grief in families comes from Kathleen R.
00:05:29.279 --> 00:05:34.399
Gilbert's article, We've Had the Same Loss, why don't we have the same grief?
00:05:34.879 --> 00:05:42.959
And in that article, she goes on to explain that sometimes the grieving process can be in relation to the family unit as well.
00:05:43.199 --> 00:05:52.639
So some people, in fact, might hide their grief, right, in an attempt to think that they may they're making a sense of calm, right?
00:05:52.879 --> 00:06:00.000
Or maybe they avoid their own healing because they think that their grieving process isn't as important as others, right?
00:06:00.560 --> 00:06:05.839
So they might even dismiss their own healing in an attempt to try to support others.
00:06:06.319 --> 00:06:10.560
We can see right how family roles might fall into play there.
00:06:10.800 --> 00:06:30.639
Either way, it is by going through our own healing process that enables us to be there for others in a way that encourages open and honest communication, which is an essential element deemed as part of the grief resolution in a family unit.
00:06:31.120 --> 00:06:41.920
Now, all that being said, there are common stages that can help us better understand ourselves and to support others when we were in that grieving process.
00:06:42.800 --> 00:06:47.040
I consider these these are considered, uh Gilbert considers these the three R's, right?
00:06:47.199 --> 00:06:50.160
Recognize, reorganize, and reinvest.
00:06:50.560 --> 00:07:06.000
Okay, we need to be able to recognize what's coming up for us, and how do we reorganize our lives after we have after that person is now out of our lives, we have to reorganize.
00:07:06.160 --> 00:07:13.759
Maybe they my dad, you know, maybe he was always coming over and doing all my handyman work at my house, right?
00:07:13.920 --> 00:07:25.680
Um, and so as then as a result of that, right, I need to kind of figure out, okay, well, now how am I going to have get help around my around someone filling that void, right?
00:07:25.759 --> 00:07:28.000
That he that that role that he provided.
00:07:28.160 --> 00:07:30.399
And so that's where the reinvesting part comes in.
00:07:30.560 --> 00:07:47.120
It's like, okay, we're still honoring the person who died, but we still need to reinvest what their role and what we what we might have find as a need, right, for for for that loss that we that we're experiencing.
00:07:47.360 --> 00:07:57.519
So again, recognizing what's coming up for us, how do we reorganize and shift our lives in such a way that is based on a new reality, right?
00:07:57.600 --> 00:08:18.399
We're now creating a new reality, um, because that person's no longer with us, and yet by still honoring their spirit, we can still figure out how to reinvest our our lives such that we can still continue to strive to um honor that person, right?
00:08:18.879 --> 00:08:28.800
Honor them and and their spirit while also still striving to find other ways that that fills that void or meets that need that they have provided.
00:08:29.040 --> 00:08:31.759
So hopefully that part makes sense.
00:08:32.000 --> 00:08:37.360
Um and so as we get into the this guide, right?
00:08:37.679 --> 00:08:52.159
That's again, it's on the isotherapy website, and it will guide you through some reflection processes, right, around the grief and grief and loss that you might be experiencing.
00:08:52.559 --> 00:08:55.440
The thing is, is that there is no rush around this, right?
00:08:55.600 --> 00:08:57.360
There's no right or wrong way.
00:08:57.519 --> 00:09:12.000
Um but in fact, how we show up for our lives and our and support our own mental and emotional well-being and healing can then better position us to support others as well.
00:09:12.960 --> 00:09:26.000
And this serves as an approach toward individual healing, which allows us to be able to explore with curiosity and compassion our own path toward healing from grief and loss.
00:09:26.720 --> 00:09:44.559
And so, what you'll see here in the grief and loss handbook, say for example, um, I like to go, just make it simple here, um, on page um eight, right?
00:09:44.639 --> 00:09:49.279
On the eighth page here says grief can feel really big and heavy sometimes.
00:09:49.679 --> 00:09:53.679
And what we can do is you can create a memory box, right?
00:09:54.080 --> 00:10:06.720
So you can go through and identify memories of the person, whether they're sad moments, funny moments, things that you miss about them, right, or even confusing feelings, right?
00:10:06.879 --> 00:10:23.360
Again, there's no right or wrong here, and so just being able to create that memory box, right, and jot down some of those memories that we have of them can be a way of engaging in our own emotional uh healing process.
00:10:23.519 --> 00:10:44.080
And so that's just as a brief example, but feel free to take a look at that guide more online and check out this trailer that uh from the grief and loss episode that we did with Lindsay, and you can find the full-length episode um posted in our in our category wherever our podcast is listed.
00:10:44.240 --> 00:10:47.360
All right, thanks for tuning in and hope you enjoy.
00:10:48.639 --> 00:10:56.399
Grief really isn't something that you just get over, it's something that you really learn to live with and it changes shape over time.
00:10:56.879 --> 00:11:05.279
It's more physical, emotional, cognitive, it's relational, it's spiritual, and it has so many different forms within it.
00:11:05.440 --> 00:11:06.320
Deal with it.
00:11:06.480 --> 00:11:15.440
Although it feels nasty, it is so important because our mental health and our physical health literally are the same thing and they believe in it.
00:11:16.559 --> 00:11:18.000
Thanks for tuning in this week.
00:11:18.240 --> 00:11:24.240
Be sure to check out our next episode as we continue to explore more elements of your therapeutic journey.
