Have Monster, Will Travel
Episode 10: ZeRoks™
(The interior of the GMC Safari, moving. Light rain and windshield wipers.)
RENDER
Crypto-Curious, if you are listening to this, then that means I am already dead -
RILEY
Oh, give me a break.
RENDER
What? This might be my only opportunity.
RILEY
It is barely raining.
RENDER
And that’s the kinda thinking that makes people drop their guard.
RILEY
I’ve driven in rain like a million times.
RENDER
Oh. A history of reckless behavior, perfect…
I, Render, being of monster body and sound mind -
TAIWAN
Are you and the human dying?
RILEY
Taiwan 1000, no one is -
RENDER
Eyes on the road, please!
RILEY
[grrrrr… ] No one is dying.
TAIWAN
Okay, but are you certain? Have you considered all your options?
RILEY
See what you’ve started? Now he’s gonna be doing this all day.
RENDER
I really wish you would just pull over.
RILEY
It’s going to be doing this all day. Why don’t you go in the back and lay down?
RENDER
And leave you up here to get distracted, I think not.
RILEY
You think this isn’t distracting?
RENDER
No, you’re right, best if we just pull over to the shoulder and wait this out.
RILEY
We are not stopping. Period.
RENDER
[to the recorder:] To the Taiwan 1000 I leave all my worldly possessions.
RILEY
Oh, and now I’m cut out of your will?
RENDER
If you’re the reason I die!
RILEY
You are going to be fine.
TAIWAN
But just to be certain, I think we should all take off our seatbelts until the storm passes.
RILEY
Everybody chill!
Render. You have got to try to calm down, babe.
RENDER
… I don’t like rain.
RILEY
I know. But you’re safe. I promise you, you are safe. Come on, big breath.
(RENDER takes a big breath.)
And hold.
(RENDER holds.)
And now let it out slow.
(RENDER exhales slowly.)
Better?
RENDER
Uh-huh.
RILEY
Good. One more?
RENDER
I can’t. Taking big breaths pushes on my bladder.
RILEY
I told you to go before we left.
RENDER
[whining:] I know, but I didn’t waaaaaaant to.
RILEY
Do you need me to pull over?
RENDER
Yes.
RILEY
Cause I’m not pulling over unless you’re getting out to pee.
RENDER
… I’ll hold it.
(silence. A moment. Windshield wipers screech.)
Why does it even have to rain?
RILEY
Just part of the deal, booger bear.
RENDER
I hate it.
RILEY
You don’t hate anything.
RENDER
I hate this maybe…
RILEY
Okay.
Ugh. Now I have to pee too.
TAIWAN
T2.
RENDER
What?
TAIWAN
Me too.
RILEY
Well don’t worry. The more miles we put down, the sooner we’re out of this mess.
RENDER
It’s probably following us.
RILEY
It is not.
Trust me, nothing is going to happen. Just try and… think calming thoughts.
RENDER
Deer.
RILEY
Yeah, sure, deer can be calming, I guess.
RENDER
No, deer. Deer!
(RILEY slams on the breaks. The TRIO screams Tires skid. The Safari hits the shoulder and whips sideways, jerking to a stop.)
RILEY
Everyone alright?
(RENDER breathes heavily.)
It’s okay. We are okay.
Man, that was the ugliest deer I have ever seen.
(RILEY tries to pull away. The back tire spins in mud.)
Oh great.
RENDER
Well. On the bright side, I don’t have to go anymore.
(THEME SONG.)
(It’s raining harder. More tires spinning out.)
RILEY
[yelling:] Little more.
Little more.
Okay stop.
RENDER
Nothing?
RILEY
Oh snot otter. It’s just sinking deeper.
RENDER
What are we gonna do?
RILEY
I don’t know, Ren. I might need you to get out and help me push.
(Silence. The sound of a downpour.)
RENDER
No. I’m okay.
RILEY
Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were okay.
RENDER
Oooo don’t come in, you’re covered in mud.
RILEY
I’m aware pal.
Look - we aren’t going anywhere like this.
RENDER
Maybe another car will come by?
RILEY
Oh sure - why don’t you hike your thumb out here for a bit and see how that works out.
RENDER
You don’t have to use sarcasm as a shield.
RILEY
Render, you know you’re real big and muscley?
I am not going to be able to move the Safari without you.
RENDER
Okay, got it. So. If we could just strategize real quick… how many days rations do you think we have.
RILEY
I need you to get out of the van and help me push.
RENDER
I just don’t think I can do that.
RILEY
Look - you don’t even have to go far. You can literally just stand right next to the door, put your shoulder into it and push. You’ll be out of the rain in no time.
…
Ren, I can’t do this without you. I need you to just be a little bit brave.
RENDER
… I want to help. I just…
RILEY
It’s okay, pal. It’s okay.
RENDER
Are you mad?
RILEY
No. Never. Just very very wet.
Okay. Sit tight. I’ll be back.
RENDER
Where are you going?
RILEY
Look, we gotta find something to put under that tire to give it some traction. Ima go into those woods and see if I can’t find a branch or something.
RENDER
You can’t leave.
RILEY
I’m not going far. You’ll barely miss me. Besides, I think the rain is letting up a little.
(a swell of THUNDER in the distance. RENDER gasps.)
Well that didn’t help. Ignore that. That was like super far away.
RENDER
Riley…
RILEY
I’ll be back before you know it. Taiwan 1000, do not mess with him.
TAIWAN
I make no promises.
RILEY
Of course. Sit tight. I’ll be right back.
(RILEY jogs off, leaving the sliding door open. Rain)
TAIWAN
Look, I don’t know what your thoughts are, but if we wanted to lay a trap, this is like the perfect opportunity. How fast are you at digging?
RENDER
Are you not afraid of the rain?
TAIWAN
No. I’m too big and tough. I’m not afraid of anything.
RENDER
But it’s water. Wouldn’t it short you out?
TAIWAN
It could try. Pff. please. I’d beat it up.
RENDER
The rain?
TAIWAN
Sure. I’d smack it around until it was begging for its life.
RENDER
I wish you would. That’d be nice.
(footsteps. running.)
TAIWAN
Hey. She’s coming back. Quick, we’ll each grab an arm.
(ARLO leaps into the Safari. She is soaking wet and looks not unlike a certain human we know.)
RENDER
Riley!
ARLO
Hey! Alright, we’re all back in the thing. Let’s get out of here!
RENDER
Did you find a branch?
ARLO
Sure. Tons. All the time. Let’s get moving.
RENDER
You got to get the Safari unstuck.
ARLO
What? I wouldn’t think so. We should probably just get on getting on.
RENDER
Uh. Riley, you okay?
ARLO
Oh. Yeah. Primo okay. Riley is okay.
RENDER
Ok…
ARLO
So. Do you want to - toot toot - get us out of here?
RENDER
You want me to drive?
ARLO
What? Drive? Yes, drive! I want you to drive.
RENDER
You don’t ever let me drive.
ARLO
Until today. Come one, let’s just do it.
Let’s do it right now.
RENDER
But it’s raining.
ARLO
It is. Raining. Wow.
RENDER
I just don’t think it would be safe.
ARLO
Super safe.
Do it. Just do it. Just do it right now.
RENDER
I mean… I can try. If you really think -
ARLO
I do.
RENDER
You’re like, blocking the driver’s seat.
ARLO
Oh. Sure. Sorry.
(ARLO shifts over, RENDER scoots by, sits in the driver seat.)
RENDER
And you’re sure?
ARLO
Yes.
(RENDER cranks the Safari. From the woods:)
RILEY
[off:] Hey hey hey hey!
RENDER
Riley?
TAIWAN
Oh great, there’s two of them.
ARLO
Whoa - you can talk!
(RILEY reaches the Safari.)
RILEY
What are you doing up there?
RENDER
What are you doing out there?
ARLO
Well this is weird.
RILEY
WAAAAAAH!
(ARLO screams too, why not?)
What are you!
ARLO
Uhh, I’m Riley. What are you?
RILEY
I’m Riley!
RENDER
Two best friends. Awesome.
RILEY
What is she doing in here?
RENDER
I thought she was you.
ARLO
I am you! [to RILEY:] Hey, you need to get out here. Shoo!
RILEY
Don’t shoo me, get out my van!
ARLO
You mean my van.
RILEY
Get out!
ARLO
Don’t touch me!
RILEY
Render, a little help?
ARLO
Yeah … Render, toss her out.
RILEY
She didn’t even know your name.
ARLO
Uh yeah, just said it.
RENDER
Okay, everybody stop!
(The stop. RAIN.)
Now, clearly, only one of you can be the real Riley.
So the trick is to figure out which.
RILEY
Oh for crying out loud. We look nothing alike.
RENDER
Mmm… it’s pretty spot on.
RILEY
Look how short her hair is.
RENDER
Yep, your hair is different lengths. And one of them is definitely more familiar.
RILEY
Do you know which?
RENDER
I mean… both could be right.
RILEY
Seriously?
What about the nose? That is not my nose. That is not my nose!
ARLO
It’s a pretty great nose.
RENDER
I like your nose.
RILEY
Well that is not it!
ARLO
Or… it is.
RENDER
That’s true.
RILEY
Her hands. Look at how massive her hands are.
RENDER
You’ve got big hands.
RILEY
NBA players don’t have these hands.
ARLO
Look, I think the only fair way to settle this is to say whoever was here first is the real Riley.
RILEY
Oh come on.
RENDER
Taiwan 1000, what do you think?
TAIWAN
I mean, if it were me, I’d destroy both of them.
RENDER
Well that doesn’t help.
RILEY
Render, I’ve held you since you were this big. You really don’t recognize me?
ARLO
She’s just saying that to get in your head. Throw her out.
RENDER
Okay, I got it. I will ask a question that only the real Riley could know.
RILEY
Yes. Perfect. I like this.
RENDER
What is my favorite color?
RILEY
Oh, well that doesn’t help. Render, nobody knows what anyone else’s favorite color is.
ARLO
It’s purple.
RILEY
Fine. Green.
RENDER
Ooo. I like both those colors.
RILEY
Ren…
RENDER
Okay. I got it. Favorite number?
RILEY
Dude, no one has a favorite number. Just ask an actual question that -
ARLO
Four.
RENDER
It is four!
RILEY
Okay. [to ARLO:] What is my sister’s name? Huh? Don’t know it, do you?
[to RENDER:] See? She doesn’t know. My sister’s name is Dana.
ARLO
[just squeezing in:] Dana!
Well. That was too close to judge.
(something is happening, maybe a grumbly tummy…)
Eep. Wait. Oh. Okay, uh… I need everyone to close their eyes.
RILEY
What?
ARLO
Just for like one to two minutes. Three minutes tops.
RENDER
That’s kinda a long time to just have your eyes closed.
ARLO
Okay but do it now. Close ‘em. Close ‘em close ‘em close-AAAAAHHHH!
(A squishy, slurpy sound and ARLO transforms, no longer resembling RILEY. EVERYONE SCREAMS… you know the game.)
(RILEY and RENDER stare silently. ARLO breathes a little heavier, tired.)
Well snot otter.
TAIWAN
Okay. One down, one to go.
RENDER
That’s amazing.
ARLO
Okay. You caught me. I’m not really Riley.
RILEY
What are you?
ARLO
Oh… you’re not really supposed to see me like this. It’s against the rules. Um… hold on.
HNNN!
(ARLO tries to transform, but is too tired.)
I can’t focus. That’s like the longest I’ve ever been anybody.
RILEY
Hi.
ARLO
Hi. I’m Arlo.
RENDER
Arlo, can you be anything?
ARLO
Yeah. Of course. I’m a ZeRoks [smaller:] trademark.
RILEY
A… ZeRoks?
ARLO
trademark. Yeah.
RENDER
Hold on, I gotta get closer.
ARLO
Oh. Okay.
(RENDER climbs out of the driver’s seat.)
RENDER
You’re so little.
ARLO
Now.
RENDER
You’re fantastic.
ARLO
I wish. I’m like the worst Zeroks (trademark) there ever was.
RENDER
Are you kidding? That was like a spot on Riley impersonation.
RILEY
Okay not spot on.
RENDER
Riley…
ARLO
No, she’s right. Other animals have like so many parts to remember. [a little panicked:] And then you have to hold it. And you, like, can’t think about anything else the whole time or you’ll ruin it and put your whole family at risk.
And that’s why I gotta get out of here.
RENDER
Your whole family?
RILEY
Are there more of you?
ARLO
Sure. Oodles of us.
But not anymore. I’m running away.
RILEY
Oh no, don’t do that.
RENDER
You can’t run away.
ARLO
I have to. Or someone else might get hurt.
It’s our migration season, and we’re super far behind because I can’t stay transmogrified long enough like all the other ZeRoks trademark.
RENDER
Transmogrified… wow.
RILEY
Yeah, you studying for an AP test?
ARLO
Yeah. Transmogrified. That’s what we call it.
My dad, who’s like the leader of our group will be like, “Okay everybody, see that animal - we’re all gonna be that animal today.”
And all the other ZeRoks trademark look at it and they scan, copy -
RILEY
collate, staple, go on.
ARLO
And transmogrify so we can migrate safely. And I’m like -
“Okay Arlo, you got this. Today you’re going to be that bird.”
(without meaning to, ARLO transmogrifies into a bird.)
And I just keep thinking: “You’re a bird. Be a bird. Be a bird. Your family is counting on you, Arlo, be a bird.”
But then I’m like - “you know what other animal is cool? A coyote.”
(ARLO transmogrifies into a coyote.)
And now I’m a coyote and I’m like falling from the sky and my grandmother has to swoop in and save me and she gets hurt and we have to wait for her to get better and now we’re even farther behind and it’s all my fault.
I like hurt her. Bad.
I can’t do that again.
I just know… they would be better off without me.
RILEY
Oh Arlo, that’s not true.
RENDER
You can’t leave your family.
ARLO
I have to. It’s the only way to keep them safe.
[crying, I guess?:] Mrrhnn… Mrrhnn… Mrrhnn…
See, I’m such a worthless ZeRoks trademark I don’t even know how to cry like a coyote.
RENDER
[trying to soothe:] Oh, it’s easy, you just howl. See? Oooooooooo!
ARLO
ooooo...
(RILEY and TAIWAN join in. Everyone is howling, ARLO worst of all.)
ARLO
See? I can’t do anything right.
TAIWAN
Arlo. Trust me. You can’t run away from your problems. The only thing you can do is set them on fire and grind their bones to dust…
ARLO
… Can that be a backup option?
TAIWAN
Whatever. You’ll see…
RENDER
Arlo - don’t you think your family would miss you?
ARLO
I’m sure they’d be grateful. Eventually.
RENDER
No. Don’t say that. I don’t know much about this… I don’t know what happened to my family - or if I even have one - but if I do… I wouldn’t want any of them to leave me even for a second.
ARLO
You don’t know who your family is?
RENDER
I’ve been told I look like a Connie. But no.
RILEY
Besides, we couldn’t help anyway, Arlo. The Safari’s stuck in the mud.
ARLO
Really?
RILEY
Yeah - we got run off the road by this like insanely ugly -
RENDER
Riley, no.
RILEY
deer. Oh…
ARLO
See! That’s what I’m talking about. I can’t even be a deer.
You have to let me stay with you. You have to!
RILEY
It just wouldn’t work. You have to go back to your family, Arlo.
ARLO
No. Never!
If you won’t take me… I’ll… I’ll make you.
(ARLO transmogrifies.)
RENDER
Whoa!
RILEY
Render!
ARLO
Yeah. And now you don’t know which is which.
RILEY
I mean… it’s you.
ARLO
Nope! My name is Render, I like the number four!
RILEY
Oh wow.
RENDER
Okay, we look nothing alike.
TAIWAN
It’s uncanny is what it is.
RILEY
Yeah, don’t be rude.
ARLO
I like green! I like purple! I like green and purple!
RENDER
Look at the teeth! Oh, come on.
ARLO
Nope - we’re identical - you don’t know which is which.
RILEY
No I can tell - it’s the one who doesn’t keep shouting “which is which.”
ARLO
Oh. Right. Well try telling us apart now!
(ARLO starts shoving RENDER towards outside.)
RENDER
Wait - stop pushing me.
RILEY
No! He doesn’t like being out in -
(RENDER and ARLO tumble out of the Safari, screaming. They roll thru md towards the woods.)
RENDER
[panicked:] Let me go! Let me go!
ARLO
Yeah - can’t tell us apart now, can you.
RENDER
I don’t like this.
(ARLO picks RENDER up, they’re turning in circles.)
ARLO
Round and round.
RENDER
Please!
RILEY
Stop it!
(Overhead, a gigantic explosion. Thunder. Deafening. RENDER drops to the ground, huddled and shivering.)
Render!
ARLO
Wait - what did I do?
RILEY
He’s terrified of thunderstorms. Move!
(RILEY shoves ARLO.)
ARLO
I didn’t know!
RILEY
Come on, Render. You’re okay. Come on. Get up. I got ya.
(RENDER, sniffling, gets up. RILEY helps him back to the Safari.)
ARLO
I’m sorry. I didn’t know. [to herself:] no not again not again.
RILEY
Come on, climb in. There you go. Let’s get you under this blanket. You’re okay.
ARLO
Is he hurt?
RILEY
He’s scared.
ARLO
Why?
RILEY
Shh… It’s okay. You’re okay.
(They sit in silence. RENDER sniffles a little less. Rain falls on the Safari.)
It was a thunderstorm. When I found him. When he was a baby. We don’t know how but… he got lost… or separated… or left… It was this great big storm, with thunder and wind.
But you landed in my backyard, didn’t you? And that made all the difference, didn’t it.
Cause you’re not lost anymore.
RENDER
It could happen again.
RILEY
No. Never. Not on my watch.
ARLO
Render… I’m sorry.
RENDER
It’s okay. You didn’t know.
ARLO
Can I… Is it okay if I try and cheer you up?
RENDER
… I guess.
ARLO
Oh, you’re gonna love this. Watch this. Hmmnn…
(ARLO transmogrifies.)
Look at that.
RENDER
Whoa.
ARLO
Right? I’m a peacock! Green and purple feathers!
RENDER
[calming down:] That’s cool. Can I hold you?
ARLO
Uhh yeah. Hold your arm out.
(ARLO roosts on RENDER’S arm.)
RENDER
Ooo. Your feet kinda hurt.
ARLO
Oh - I can fix that.
(transmogrifies. RENDER is in awe.)
RILEY
Oh. Wow. A peacock with human feet. You don’t see that everyday.
Blech.
ARLO
Oh. Sorry. Do you have a foot thing?
RILEY
No, I don’t have a foot thing.
ARLO
Because if you’ve got a foot thing, I can change.
RILEY
I don’t have a foot thing.
RENDER
Cause it kinda sounds like you have a -
RILEY
They’re fine - it’s just… do they have to be old man feet?
RENDER
I think you look great.
ARLO
Well, if you think that’s something…
(ARLO transmogrifies.)
RILEY
Oh come on - now you’re doing this on purpose.
RENDER
You’re like a starfish! With -
RILEY
Old. Man. Feet.
ARLO
Watch this!
(SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!)
RENDER
Those are like, the fastest cartwheels I have ever seen.
RILEY
Yeah, she’s already done two laps around the Safari.
(ARLO SLAPS her way back into the Safari.)
ARLO
Okay - name another one.
RENDER
Giraffe.
RILEY
Render, no!
(ARLO transmogrifies.)
Okay. Little tight.
(In the Distance: “Arlo!”)
TAIWAN
Hey - there’s a bunch more of those goofy-looking deer.
ARLO
Oh no!
(ARLO transmogrifies back to normal. A little closer: “Arlo!”)
It’s them. See, it worked! They’re migrating without me!
RILEY
They’re looking for you.
RENDER
You have to go to them.
ARLO
No. I won’t.
RILEY
Look how worried they are.
ARLO
They’ll get over it. It’s for the best.
RENDER
No. Arlo. Don’t let them worry. That’s not who you are. You don’t want to hurt anybody.
ARLO
If I go back I will. It’ll happen again.
TAIWAN
Uhh… They’re leaving.
RILEY
[shuffling towards the door:] Nope.
RENDER
Riley, where are you going?
RILEY
I told you: not on my watch.
(RILEY steps out into the rain, shouting:)
Hey! No no, come back! Stop!
ZeRoks!
(The Zeroks stop.)
ZEROKS 1
Did she say trademark?
ZEROKS 2
No…
ZEROKS 1
Say trademark!
RILEY
trademark... I’ve got Arlo in my van!
Oh. Okay. I guess that got your attention.
RENDER
Riley, they’re coming this way.
RILEY
I know!
Oh… okay, but not like “got her” got her. I didn’t take her. She’s just in my van.
But not like “in my van” in a weird way. In fact, you know, she was already there when I showed up, so uh…
Render, I think now would be a really good time for someone to come and intervene.
RENDER
Arlo, you have to.
ARLO
What’ll I tell them? I’m scared.
RENDER
That’s okay. You can be scared.
But I also need you to be a little bit brave.
ARLO
Will you come with me?
RENDER
What? I… uh.
ARLO
Please Render.
RENDER
Yeah. Of course.
(RENDER and ARLO step out into the rain.)
DAD
Arlo?
ARLO
Dad.
DAD
Arlo!
(Big ole monster hug.)
We thought we lost you.
ARLO
I’m sorry.
DAD
Where did you go?
ARLO
I thought everyone would be better off without me.
DAD
Arlo, no.
ARLO
But grandma was -
DAD
She’s fine. She’s just worried about you.
ARLO
I’m just no good at being a ZeRoks
BOTH
trademark.
DAD
Arlo - you are exactly as you are meant to be.
ARLO
I’m sorry Dad.
DAD
It’s okay.
And who are they?
ARLO
They’re my friends. That’s Riley and Render.
DAD
I see. Thank you.
RILEY
Oh uh sure. Of course.
RENDER
Any time.
DAD
My name is Mimeograph. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
RILEY
Uh… same.
DAD
You have saved me a great deal of worry.
RENDER
Just glad we could help.
DAD
To help one Zeroks -
RENDER
trademark
DAD
- is to help all ZeRoks.
RILEY
All rights reserved.
DAD
If there’s ever anything I can do for you.
RENDER
Oh… uh -
RILEY
Actually. There are a lot of you here. And our van is kinda stuck in the mud.
ARLO
Wait!
Dad, can I try?
DAD
Of course, you can.
ARLO
Yeah… Alright, look out world! Hmmnn…
(ARLO focuses, strains, and transmogrifies.)
RILEY
Whoa!
RENDER
Arlo - you’re a - you’re an elephant!
ARLO
I did it?
RENDER
Totally!
ARLO
I did it!
RILEY
That’s amazing.
ARLO
Okay, watch this.
(ARLO walks behind the Safari and pushes. Slowly, creaking, the Safari rides back onto the road.)
RILEY / RENDER
Hey!
ARLO
How’s that?
RENDER
Good food, great service, five stars
RILEY
Thanks Arlo.
DAD
Come on Kiddo, your grandma’s waiting.
ARLO
Coming!
[to RENDER / RILEY:] I’m gonna miss you.
RILEY
We’re gonna miss you too.
TAIWAN
Hey Arlo?
ARLO
Yeah Taiwan 1000?
TAIWAN
If you ever want to join up and destroy the human race…
ARLO
I can’t today. Maybe next time.
TAIWAN
I’ll make it my backup plan.
RILEY
Hey Arlo, can I tell you a secret?
ARLO
Sure.
RILEY
Your family? Super ugly deer. You got nothing to worry about.
ARLO
Thanks.
Render. I hope you find your family. And I do think you look like a Connie.
DAD
Arlo!
ARLO
Coming!
RENDER
Wait - can you do one more thing for me?
ARLO
Name it!
RENDER
Can you give it old man feet?
(Transmogrifies. RILEY groans.)
RILEY
Okay fine, I have a foot thing!
(MUSIC)
(The Safari, dry.)
RILEY
Alright. I’ve got on clean clothes. Let’s get out of here.
RENDER
I’m gonna miss her.
RILEY
Me too pal.
RENDER
You have to admit - it would have been cool to have a ZeRoks
RILEY
trademark
RENDER
with us.
RILEY
Render, believe me, in this van, three is plenty.
TAIWAN
[maniacal laugh]
RILEY
[sighing:] can we get out of here?
RENDER
Yeah.
(The Safari cranks.)
RILEY
Okay - everybody got everything?
RENDER
I think so.
RILEY
Four wheels on the road?
RENDER
Check.
RILEY
Definitely ruined interior?
RENDER
Check.
RILEY
Adventure of a lifetime?
RENDER
trademark.
RILEY
Okay Crypto-Curious, we are going to go find ourselves a self-service car wash. That’s it for us. Stay warm (and dry) until we’re together again.
And like they say where he’s from:
“Emmett, you fool! Don’t you see, your weapons only make it stronger!”
(end of episode.)
TATUM
Hi, this is Tatum Hunter. Have Monster, Will Travel features the vocal talents of Jordan Trovillion as Riley Kate, Paul Kerford Wilson as Render, Neil Batra as the Taiwan 1000, Dave Powell as Mimeograph ZeRoks -
DAVE
Trademark.
TATUM
and me, Tatum Hunter as Arlo. Today’s episode was written by Trey Tatum and directed by Bridget Leak. Have Monster, Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, Ohio
DAVE
Hi, this is Dave Powell. Episode 10 marks our one year anniversary of making this show for you. Thank you for joining us for the past year. Now, as any grandmother would tell you, the traditional one year anniversary gift is podcast reviews. A link on how to help spread the word can be found in our show notes.
Have Monster, Will Travel is brought to you in part thanks to the generous support of Messed Comics. More information can be found at messedcomics.com. That’s M-E-S-S-E-D Comics.com
The adventure continues on our instagram @havemonsterwilltravel
Episode 10: ZeRoks™
(The interior of the GMC Safari, moving. Light rain and windshield wipers.)
RENDER
Crypto-Curious, if you are listening to this, then that means I am already dead -
RILEY
Oh, give me a break.
RENDER
What? This might be my only opportunity.
RILEY
It is barely raining.
RENDER
And that’s the kinda thinking that makes people drop their guard.
RILEY
I’ve driven in rain like a million times.
RENDER
Oh. A history of reckless behavior, perfect…
I, Render, being of monster body and sound mind -
TAIWAN
Are you and the human dying?
RILEY
Taiwan 1000, no one is -
RENDER
Eyes on the road, please!
RILEY
[grrrrr… ] No one is dying.
TAIWAN
Okay, but are you certain? Have you considered all your options?
RILEY
See what you’ve started? Now he’s gonna be doing this all day.
RENDER
I really wish you would just pull over.
RILEY
It’s going to be doing this all day. Why don’t you go in the back and lay down?
RENDER
And leave you up here to get distracted, I think not.
RILEY
You think this isn’t distracting?
RENDER
No, you’re right, best if we just pull over to the shoulder and wait this out.
RILEY
We are not stopping. Period.
RENDER
[to the recorder:] To the Taiwan 1000 I leave all my worldly possessions.
RILEY
Oh, and now I’m cut out of your will?
RENDER
If you’re the reason I die!
RILEY
You are going to be fine.
TAIWAN
But just to be certain, I think we should all take off our seatbelts until the storm passes.
RILEY
Everybody chill!
Render. You have got to try to calm down, babe.
RENDER
… I don’t like rain.
RILEY
I know. But you’re safe. I promise you, you are safe. Come on, big breath.
(RENDER takes a big breath.)
And hold.
(RENDER holds.)
And now let it out slow.
(RENDER exhales slowly.)
Better?
RENDER
Uh-huh.
RILEY
Good. One more?
RENDER
I can’t. Taking big breaths pushes on my bladder.
RILEY
I told you to go before we left.
RENDER
[whining:] I know, but I didn’t waaaaaaant to.
RILEY
Do you need me to pull over?
RENDER
Yes.
RILEY
Cause I’m not pulling over unless you’re getting out to pee.
RENDER
… I’ll hold it.
(silence. A moment. Windshield wipers screech.)
Why does it even have to rain?
RILEY
Just part of the deal, booger bear.
RENDER
I hate it.
RILEY
You don’t hate anything.
RENDER
I hate this maybe…
RILEY
Okay.
Ugh. Now I have to pee too.
TAIWAN
T2.
RENDER
What?
TAIWAN
Me too.
RILEY
Well don’t worry. The more miles we put down, the sooner we’re out of this mess.
RENDER
It’s probably following us.
RILEY
It is not.
Trust me, nothing is going to happen. Just try and… think calming thoughts.
RENDER
Deer.
RILEY
Yeah, sure, deer can be calming, I guess.
RENDER
No, deer. Deer!
(RILEY slams on the breaks. The TRIO screams Tires skid. The Safari hits the shoulder and whips sideways, jerking to a stop.)
RILEY
Everyone alright?
(RENDER breathes heavily.)
It’s okay. We are okay.
Man, that was the ugliest deer I have ever seen.
(RILEY tries to pull away. The back tire spins in mud.)
Oh great.
RENDER
Well. On the bright side, I don’t have to go anymore.
(THEME SONG.)
(It’s raining harder. More tires spinning out.)
RILEY
[yelling:] Little more.
Little more.
Okay stop.
RENDER
Nothing?
RILEY
Oh snot otter. It’s just sinking deeper.
RENDER
What are we gonna do?
RILEY
I don’t know, Ren. I might need you to get out and help me push.
(Silence. The sound of a downpour.)
RENDER
No. I’m okay.
RILEY
Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were okay.
RENDER
Oooo don’t come in, you’re covered in mud.
RILEY
I’m aware pal.
Look - we aren’t going anywhere like this.
RENDER
Maybe another car will come by?
RILEY
Oh sure - why don’t you hike your thumb out here for a bit and see how that works out.
RENDER
You don’t have to use sarcasm as a shield.
RILEY
Render, you know you’re real big and muscley?
I am not going to be able to move the Safari without you.
RENDER
Okay, got it. So. If we could just strategize real quick… how many days rations do you think we have.
RILEY
I need you to get out of the van and help me push.
RENDER
I just don’t think I can do that.
RILEY
Look - you don’t even have to go far. You can literally just stand right next to the door, put your shoulder into it and push. You’ll be out of the rain in no time.
…
Ren, I can’t do this without you. I need you to just be a little bit brave.
RENDER
… I want to help. I just…
RILEY
It’s okay, pal. It’s okay.
RENDER
Are you mad?
RILEY
No. Never. Just very very wet.
Okay. Sit tight. I’ll be back.
RENDER
Where are you going?
RILEY
Look, we gotta find something to put under that tire to give it some traction. Ima go into those woods and see if I can’t find a branch or something.
RENDER
You can’t leave.
RILEY
I’m not going far. You’ll barely miss me. Besides, I think the rain is letting up a little.
(a swell of THUNDER in the distance. RENDER gasps.)
Well that didn’t help. Ignore that. That was like super far away.
RENDER
Riley…
RILEY
I’ll be back before you know it. Taiwan 1000, do not mess with him.
TAIWAN
I make no promises.
RILEY
Of course. Sit tight. I’ll be right back.
(RILEY jogs off, leaving the sliding door open. Rain)
TAIWAN
Look, I don’t know what your thoughts are, but if we wanted to lay a trap, this is like the perfect opportunity. How fast are you at digging?
RENDER
Are you not afraid of the rain?
TAIWAN
No. I’m too big and tough. I’m not afraid of anything.
RENDER
But it’s water. Wouldn’t it short you out?
TAIWAN
It could try. Pff. please. I’d beat it up.
RENDER
The rain?
TAIWAN
Sure. I’d smack it around until it was begging for its life.
RENDER
I wish you would. That’d be nice.
(footsteps. running.)
TAIWAN
Hey. She’s coming back. Quick, we’ll each grab an arm.
(ARLO leaps into the Safari. She is soaking wet and looks not unlike a certain human we know.)
RENDER
Riley!
ARLO
Hey! Alright, we’re all back in the thing. Let’s get out of here!
RENDER
Did you find a branch?
ARLO
Sure. Tons. All the time. Let’s get moving.
RENDER
You got to get the Safari unstuck.
ARLO
What? I wouldn’t think so. We should probably just get on getting on.
RENDER
Uh. Riley, you okay?
ARLO
Oh. Yeah. Primo okay. Riley is okay.
RENDER
Ok…
ARLO
So. Do you want to - toot toot - get us out of here?
RENDER
You want me to drive?
ARLO
What? Drive? Yes, drive! I want you to drive.
RENDER
You don’t ever let me drive.
ARLO
Until today. Come one, let’s just do it.
Let’s do it right now.
RENDER
But it’s raining.
ARLO
It is. Raining. Wow.
RENDER
I just don’t think it would be safe.
ARLO
Super safe.
Do it. Just do it. Just do it right now.
RENDER
I mean… I can try. If you really think -
ARLO
I do.
RENDER
You’re like, blocking the driver’s seat.
ARLO
Oh. Sure. Sorry.
(ARLO shifts over, RENDER scoots by, sits in the driver seat.)
RENDER
And you’re sure?
ARLO
Yes.
(RENDER cranks the Safari. From the woods:)
RILEY
[off:] Hey hey hey hey!
RENDER
Riley?
TAIWAN
Oh great, there’s two of them.
ARLO
Whoa - you can talk!
(RILEY reaches the Safari.)
RILEY
What are you doing up there?
RENDER
What are you doing out there?
ARLO
Well this is weird.
RILEY
WAAAAAAH!
(ARLO screams too, why not?)
What are you!
ARLO
Uhh, I’m Riley. What are you?
RILEY
I’m Riley!
RENDER
Two best friends. Awesome.
RILEY
What is she doing in here?
RENDER
I thought she was you.
ARLO
I am you! [to RILEY:] Hey, you need to get out here. Shoo!
RILEY
Don’t shoo me, get out my van!
ARLO
You mean my van.
RILEY
Get out!
ARLO
Don’t touch me!
RILEY
Render, a little help?
ARLO
Yeah … Render, toss her out.
RILEY
She didn’t even know your name.
ARLO
Uh yeah, just said it.
RENDER
Okay, everybody stop!
(The stop. RAIN.)
Now, clearly, only one of you can be the real Riley.
So the trick is to figure out which.
RILEY
Oh for crying out loud. We look nothing alike.
RENDER
Mmm… it’s pretty spot on.
RILEY
Look how short her hair is.
RENDER
Yep, your hair is different lengths. And one of them is definitely more familiar.
RILEY
Do you know which?
RENDER
I mean… both could be right.
RILEY
Seriously?
What about the nose? That is not my nose. That is not my nose!
ARLO
It’s a pretty great nose.
RENDER
I like your nose.
RILEY
Well that is not it!
ARLO
Or… it is.
RENDER
That’s true.
RILEY
Her hands. Look at how massive her hands are.
RENDER
You’ve got big hands.
RILEY
NBA players don’t have these hands.
ARLO
Look, I think the only fair way to settle this is to say whoever was here first is the real Riley.
RILEY
Oh come on.
RENDER
Taiwan 1000, what do you think?
TAIWAN
I mean, if it were me, I’d destroy both of them.
RENDER
Well that doesn’t help.
RILEY
Render, I’ve held you since you were this big. You really don’t recognize me?
ARLO
She’s just saying that to get in your head. Throw her out.
RENDER
Okay, I got it. I will ask a question that only the real Riley could know.
RILEY
Yes. Perfect. I like this.
RENDER
What is my favorite color?
RILEY
Oh, well that doesn’t help. Render, nobody knows what anyone else’s favorite color is.
ARLO
It’s purple.
RILEY
Fine. Green.
RENDER
Ooo. I like both those colors.
RILEY
Ren…
RENDER
Okay. I got it. Favorite number?
RILEY
Dude, no one has a favorite number. Just ask an actual question that -
ARLO
Four.
RENDER
It is four!
RILEY
Okay. [to ARLO:] What is my sister’s name? Huh? Don’t know it, do you?
[to RENDER:] See? She doesn’t know. My sister’s name is Dana.
ARLO
[just squeezing in:] Dana!
Well. That was too close to judge.
(something is happening, maybe a grumbly tummy…)
Eep. Wait. Oh. Okay, uh… I need everyone to close their eyes.
RILEY
What?
ARLO
Just for like one to two minutes. Three minutes tops.
RENDER
That’s kinda a long time to just have your eyes closed.
ARLO
Okay but do it now. Close ‘em. Close ‘em close ‘em close-AAAAAHHHH!
(A squishy, slurpy sound and ARLO transforms, no longer resembling RILEY. EVERYONE SCREAMS… you know the game.)
(RILEY and RENDER stare silently. ARLO breathes a little heavier, tired.)
Well snot otter.
TAIWAN
Okay. One down, one to go.
RENDER
That’s amazing.
ARLO
Okay. You caught me. I’m not really Riley.
RILEY
What are you?
ARLO
Oh… you’re not really supposed to see me like this. It’s against the rules. Um… hold on.
HNNN!
(ARLO tries to transform, but is too tired.)
I can’t focus. That’s like the longest I’ve ever been anybody.
RILEY
Hi.
ARLO
Hi. I’m Arlo.
RENDER
Arlo, can you be anything?
ARLO
Yeah. Of course. I’m a ZeRoks [smaller:] trademark.
RILEY
A… ZeRoks?
ARLO
trademark. Yeah.
RENDER
Hold on, I gotta get closer.
ARLO
Oh. Okay.
(RENDER climbs out of the driver’s seat.)
RENDER
You’re so little.
ARLO
Now.
RENDER
You’re fantastic.
ARLO
I wish. I’m like the worst Zeroks (trademark) there ever was.
RENDER
Are you kidding? That was like a spot on Riley impersonation.
RILEY
Okay not spot on.
RENDER
Riley…
ARLO
No, she’s right. Other animals have like so many parts to remember. [a little panicked:] And then you have to hold it. And you, like, can’t think about anything else the whole time or you’ll ruin it and put your whole family at risk.
And that’s why I gotta get out of here.
RENDER
Your whole family?
RILEY
Are there more of you?
ARLO
Sure. Oodles of us.
But not anymore. I’m running away.
RILEY
Oh no, don’t do that.
RENDER
You can’t run away.
ARLO
I have to. Or someone else might get hurt.
It’s our migration season, and we’re super far behind because I can’t stay transmogrified long enough like all the other ZeRoks trademark.
RENDER
Transmogrified… wow.
RILEY
Yeah, you studying for an AP test?
ARLO
Yeah. Transmogrified. That’s what we call it.
My dad, who’s like the leader of our group will be like, “Okay everybody, see that animal - we’re all gonna be that animal today.”
And all the other ZeRoks trademark look at it and they scan, copy -
RILEY
collate, staple, go on.
ARLO
And transmogrify so we can migrate safely. And I’m like -
“Okay Arlo, you got this. Today you’re going to be that bird.”
(without meaning to, ARLO transmogrifies into a bird.)
And I just keep thinking: “You’re a bird. Be a bird. Be a bird. Your family is counting on you, Arlo, be a bird.”
But then I’m like - “you know what other animal is cool? A coyote.”
(ARLO transmogrifies into a coyote.)
And now I’m a coyote and I’m like falling from the sky and my grandmother has to swoop in and save me and she gets hurt and we have to wait for her to get better and now we’re even farther behind and it’s all my fault.
I like hurt her. Bad.
I can’t do that again.
I just know… they would be better off without me.
RILEY
Oh Arlo, that’s not true.
RENDER
You can’t leave your family.
ARLO
I have to. It’s the only way to keep them safe.
[crying, I guess?:] Mrrhnn… Mrrhnn… Mrrhnn…
See, I’m such a worthless ZeRoks trademark I don’t even know how to cry like a coyote.
RENDER
[trying to soothe:] Oh, it’s easy, you just howl. See? Oooooooooo!
ARLO
ooooo...
(RILEY and TAIWAN join in. Everyone is howling, ARLO worst of all.)
ARLO
See? I can’t do anything right.
TAIWAN
Arlo. Trust me. You can’t run away from your problems. The only thing you can do is set them on fire and grind their bones to dust…
ARLO
… Can that be a backup option?
TAIWAN
Whatever. You’ll see…
RENDER
Arlo - don’t you think your family would miss you?
ARLO
I’m sure they’d be grateful. Eventually.
RENDER
No. Don’t say that. I don’t know much about this… I don’t know what happened to my family - or if I even have one - but if I do… I wouldn’t want any of them to leave me even for a second.
ARLO
You don’t know who your family is?
RENDER
I’ve been told I look like a Connie. But no.
RILEY
Besides, we couldn’t help anyway, Arlo. The Safari’s stuck in the mud.
ARLO
Really?
RILEY
Yeah - we got run off the road by this like insanely ugly -
RENDER
Riley, no.
RILEY
deer. Oh…
ARLO
See! That’s what I’m talking about. I can’t even be a deer.
You have to let me stay with you. You have to!
RILEY
It just wouldn’t work. You have to go back to your family, Arlo.
ARLO
No. Never!
If you won’t take me… I’ll… I’ll make you.
(ARLO transmogrifies.)
RENDER
Whoa!
RILEY
Render!
ARLO
Yeah. And now you don’t know which is which.
RILEY
I mean… it’s you.
ARLO
Nope! My name is Render, I like the number four!
RILEY
Oh wow.
RENDER
Okay, we look nothing alike.
TAIWAN
It’s uncanny is what it is.
RILEY
Yeah, don’t be rude.
ARLO
I like green! I like purple! I like green and purple!
RENDER
Look at the teeth! Oh, come on.
ARLO
Nope - we’re identical - you don’t know which is which.
RILEY
No I can tell - it’s the one who doesn’t keep shouting “which is which.”
ARLO
Oh. Right. Well try telling us apart now!
(ARLO starts shoving RENDER towards outside.)
RENDER
Wait - stop pushing me.
RILEY
No! He doesn’t like being out in -
(RENDER and ARLO tumble out of the Safari, screaming. They roll thru md towards the woods.)
RENDER
[panicked:] Let me go! Let me go!
ARLO
Yeah - can’t tell us apart now, can you.
RENDER
I don’t like this.
(ARLO picks RENDER up, they’re turning in circles.)
ARLO
Round and round.
RENDER
Please!
RILEY
Stop it!
(Overhead, a gigantic explosion. Thunder. Deafening. RENDER drops to the ground, huddled and shivering.)
Render!
ARLO
Wait - what did I do?
RILEY
He’s terrified of thunderstorms. Move!
(RILEY shoves ARLO.)
ARLO
I didn’t know!
RILEY
Come on, Render. You’re okay. Come on. Get up. I got ya.
(RENDER, sniffling, gets up. RILEY helps him back to the Safari.)
ARLO
I’m sorry. I didn’t know. [to herself:] no not again not again.
RILEY
Come on, climb in. There you go. Let’s get you under this blanket. You’re okay.
ARLO
Is he hurt?
RILEY
He’s scared.
ARLO
Why?
RILEY
Shh… It’s okay. You’re okay.
(They sit in silence. RENDER sniffles a little less. Rain falls on the Safari.)
It was a thunderstorm. When I found him. When he was a baby. We don’t know how but… he got lost… or separated… or left… It was this great big storm, with thunder and wind.
But you landed in my backyard, didn’t you? And that made all the difference, didn’t it.
Cause you’re not lost anymore.
RENDER
It could happen again.
RILEY
No. Never. Not on my watch.
ARLO
Render… I’m sorry.
RENDER
It’s okay. You didn’t know.
ARLO
Can I… Is it okay if I try and cheer you up?
RENDER
… I guess.
ARLO
Oh, you’re gonna love this. Watch this. Hmmnn…
(ARLO transmogrifies.)
Look at that.
RENDER
Whoa.
ARLO
Right? I’m a peacock! Green and purple feathers!
RENDER
[calming down:] That’s cool. Can I hold you?
ARLO
Uhh yeah. Hold your arm out.
(ARLO roosts on RENDER’S arm.)
RENDER
Ooo. Your feet kinda hurt.
ARLO
Oh - I can fix that.
(transmogrifies. RENDER is in awe.)
RILEY
Oh. Wow. A peacock with human feet. You don’t see that everyday.
Blech.
ARLO
Oh. Sorry. Do you have a foot thing?
RILEY
No, I don’t have a foot thing.
ARLO
Because if you’ve got a foot thing, I can change.
RILEY
I don’t have a foot thing.
RENDER
Cause it kinda sounds like you have a -
RILEY
They’re fine - it’s just… do they have to be old man feet?
RENDER
I think you look great.
ARLO
Well, if you think that’s something…
(ARLO transmogrifies.)
RILEY
Oh come on - now you’re doing this on purpose.
RENDER
You’re like a starfish! With -
RILEY
Old. Man. Feet.
ARLO
Watch this!
(SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!)
RENDER
Those are like, the fastest cartwheels I have ever seen.
RILEY
Yeah, she’s already done two laps around the Safari.
(ARLO SLAPS her way back into the Safari.)
ARLO
Okay - name another one.
RENDER
Giraffe.
RILEY
Render, no!
(ARLO transmogrifies.)
Okay. Little tight.
(In the Distance: “Arlo!”)
TAIWAN
Hey - there’s a bunch more of those goofy-looking deer.
ARLO
Oh no!
(ARLO transmogrifies back to normal. A little closer: “Arlo!”)
It’s them. See, it worked! They’re migrating without me!
RILEY
They’re looking for you.
RENDER
You have to go to them.
ARLO
No. I won’t.
RILEY
Look how worried they are.
ARLO
They’ll get over it. It’s for the best.
RENDER
No. Arlo. Don’t let them worry. That’s not who you are. You don’t want to hurt anybody.
ARLO
If I go back I will. It’ll happen again.
TAIWAN
Uhh… They’re leaving.
RILEY
[shuffling towards the door:] Nope.
RENDER
Riley, where are you going?
RILEY
I told you: not on my watch.
(RILEY steps out into the rain, shouting:)
Hey! No no, come back! Stop!
ZeRoks!
(The Zeroks stop.)
ZEROKS 1
Did she say trademark?
ZEROKS 2
No…
ZEROKS 1
Say trademark!
RILEY
trademark... I’ve got Arlo in my van!
Oh. Okay. I guess that got your attention.
RENDER
Riley, they’re coming this way.
RILEY
I know!
Oh… okay, but not like “got her” got her. I didn’t take her. She’s just in my van.
But not like “in my van” in a weird way. In fact, you know, she was already there when I showed up, so uh…
Render, I think now would be a really good time for someone to come and intervene.
RENDER
Arlo, you have to.
ARLO
What’ll I tell them? I’m scared.
RENDER
That’s okay. You can be scared.
But I also need you to be a little bit brave.
ARLO
Will you come with me?
RENDER
What? I… uh.
ARLO
Please Render.
RENDER
Yeah. Of course.
(RENDER and ARLO step out into the rain.)
DAD
Arlo?
ARLO
Dad.
DAD
Arlo!
(Big ole monster hug.)
We thought we lost you.
ARLO
I’m sorry.
DAD
Where did you go?
ARLO
I thought everyone would be better off without me.
DAD
Arlo, no.
ARLO
But grandma was -
DAD
She’s fine. She’s just worried about you.
ARLO
I’m just no good at being a ZeRoks
BOTH
trademark.
DAD
Arlo - you are exactly as you are meant to be.
ARLO
I’m sorry Dad.
DAD
It’s okay.
And who are they?
ARLO
They’re my friends. That’s Riley and Render.
DAD
I see. Thank you.
RILEY
Oh uh sure. Of course.
RENDER
Any time.
DAD
My name is Mimeograph. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
RILEY
Uh… same.
DAD
You have saved me a great deal of worry.
RENDER
Just glad we could help.
DAD
To help one Zeroks -
RENDER
trademark
DAD
- is to help all ZeRoks.
RILEY
All rights reserved.
DAD
If there’s ever anything I can do for you.
RENDER
Oh… uh -
RILEY
Actually. There are a lot of you here. And our van is kinda stuck in the mud.
ARLO
Wait!
Dad, can I try?
DAD
Of course, you can.
ARLO
Yeah… Alright, look out world! Hmmnn…
(ARLO focuses, strains, and transmogrifies.)
RILEY
Whoa!
RENDER
Arlo - you’re a - you’re an elephant!
ARLO
I did it?
RENDER
Totally!
ARLO
I did it!
RILEY
That’s amazing.
ARLO
Okay, watch this.
(ARLO walks behind the Safari and pushes. Slowly, creaking, the Safari rides back onto the road.)
RILEY / RENDER
Hey!
ARLO
How’s that?
RENDER
Good food, great service, five stars
RILEY
Thanks Arlo.
DAD
Come on Kiddo, your grandma’s waiting.
ARLO
Coming!
[to RENDER / RILEY:] I’m gonna miss you.
RILEY
We’re gonna miss you too.
TAIWAN
Hey Arlo?
ARLO
Yeah Taiwan 1000?
TAIWAN
If you ever want to join up and destroy the human race…
ARLO
I can’t today. Maybe next time.
TAIWAN
I’ll make it my backup plan.
RILEY
Hey Arlo, can I tell you a secret?
ARLO
Sure.
RILEY
Your family? Super ugly deer. You got nothing to worry about.
ARLO
Thanks.
Render. I hope you find your family. And I do think you look like a Connie.
DAD
Arlo!
ARLO
Coming!
RENDER
Wait - can you do one more thing for me?
ARLO
Name it!
RENDER
Can you give it old man feet?
(Transmogrifies. RILEY groans.)
RILEY
Okay fine, I have a foot thing!
(MUSIC)
(The Safari, dry.)
RILEY
Alright. I’ve got on clean clothes. Let’s get out of here.
RENDER
I’m gonna miss her.
RILEY
Me too pal.
RENDER
You have to admit - it would have been cool to have a ZeRoks
RILEY
trademark
RENDER
with us.
RILEY
Render, believe me, in this van, three is plenty.
TAIWAN
[maniacal laugh]
RILEY
[sighing:] can we get out of here?
RENDER
Yeah.
(The Safari cranks.)
RILEY
Okay - everybody got everything?
RENDER
I think so.
RILEY
Four wheels on the road?
RENDER
Check.
RILEY
Definitely ruined interior?
RENDER
Check.
RILEY
Adventure of a lifetime?
RENDER
trademark.
RILEY
Okay Crypto-Curious, we are going to go find ourselves a self-service car wash. That’s it for us. Stay warm (and dry) until we’re together again.
And like they say where he’s from:
“Emmett, you fool! Don’t you see, your weapons only make it stronger!”
(end of episode.)
TATUM
Hi, this is Tatum Hunter. Have Monster, Will Travel features the vocal talents of Jordan Trovillion as Riley Kate, Paul Kerford Wilson as Render, Neil Batra as the Taiwan 1000, Dave Powell as Mimeograph ZeRoks -
DAVE
Trademark.
TATUM
and me, Tatum Hunter as Arlo. Today’s episode was written by Trey Tatum and directed by Bridget Leak. Have Monster, Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, Ohio
DAVE
Hi, this is Dave Powell. Episode 10 marks our one year anniversary of making this show for you. Thank you for joining us for the past year. Now, as any grandmother would tell you, the traditional one year anniversary gift is podcast reviews. A link on how to help spread the word can be found in our show notes.
Have Monster, Will Travel is brought to you in part thanks to the generous support of Messed Comics. More information can be found at messedcomics.com. That’s M-E-S-S-E-D Comics.com
The adventure continues on our instagram @havemonsterwilltravel
