WEBVTT
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Welcome to our podcast.
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Today's guest is someone who has dedicated her career to helping leaders move beyond simply succeeding to truly thriving, which is a perfect way to start off this podcast launch for coaching and thriving.
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I am thrilled to welcome Dr.
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Laura Belson.
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Laura is an MCC coach, which is the highest credential awarded by the International Coaching Federation, and she's the founder and CEO of the Center for Thriving Leaders.
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For more than 25 years, she's been helping leaders, executives, organizations among their potential to become coaching, emotional intelligence, and psychology.
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And what I appreciate about is not just about helping people perform better, it's about helping them performish in every area of life, which again ties in perfectly to provision around this podcast.
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Laura and I have been in touch over the past months.
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Um and it's just wonderful that we're making this happen.
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I'm so excited for our conversation.
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I can't wait to share.
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Oh, Carrie.
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Thank you.
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I'm just, I'm just delighted to be here with you, Carrie.
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It's I'm I'm very excited um to have this conversation.
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It's gonna be fun.
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Yeah.
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And we we both have our our, even though it's hot here in Colorado, I have a warm cup of coffee in my hand.
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So And I have my hot mug of tea.
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Thank goodness for air conditioned, right?
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Thank goodness.
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I don't know about you, Laura, but before I get before I get on a call with maybe a client or um a chat like this, like an interview.
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I I was laughing.
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I just I I have these yoga blocks where I lay on my floor and I do a back bend, and I get probably three or four cracks in my back.
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And I all of a sudden, like my I can breathe better, I can sit taller, and I feel like I have more bandwidth or a grounded conversation and being curious.
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Do you do anything before you get on a call with the client?
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And I understand that the yogi in me is the one doing back.
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I'm so glad you asked.
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And that's a great practice to do.
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And you know, when I teach, you know, for the program, I uh I I I encourage coaches to build that into their practice.
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And yes, I do.
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I um I I like to build in a half an hour between coaching sessions, coaching calls, and because I usually send something as a follow-up.
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Um, but then I like to get up and walk around.
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And I, if it's if the weather is good, I like to step outside.
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And especially this time of year, in my bare feet on the grass, feel grounded to the to the earth, have the sunshine just flood over me and take some deep breaths, and then I come back in and review the coach session prep form that the client might have sent me, hopefully sent me.
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Well, and or and or notes from last time, so that I feel, and then I feel I take a few more deep breaths and I feel completely grounded.
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And it's it's a I think it's a good practice for all of us.
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And so I love that you have found what works for you.
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I might have to try that.
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Yeah, I actually know where my yoga blocks are.
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I I had my eyes closed as you were talking there.
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And I I do this thing sometimes too.
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I walk outside, put my feet in the grass, feel the sun.
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So, ah, this is a great place to start.
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So I have to tell you, when I first started thinking about this podcast and the conversations that we wanted to have, your name immediately came to mind.
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I remember where I was sitting when I was having this conversation with a colleague about all of this.
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I'm like, Dr.
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Laura, that's who I want to have, I want to work.
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And um, one of the reasons I wanted you as our very first guest is because this entire podcast is about helping coaches grow, not just in their skill, but in how they think, how they are, in their being, how they show up, and and ultimately how they thrive.
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And when I looked at the work you've done throughout your career, especially in helping people flourish and creating a space where people feel seen, heard, and understood, I felt like this was just a perfect place to begin, considering the name of our podcast is Coaching and Thriving.
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So before we talk about coaching, what does thriving mean to you?
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Oh, wow, that is a great question.
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Um, and I think it means something different for everybody.
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And there are different aspects and different things that go into thriving.
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Um, for me, it means probably first and foremost, human connection, um, really connecting at a deep level with other human beings.
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Um and it means, and and that's so important in coaching when we get to the to the topic of coaching.
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Thriving also means continuous growth, it means an open mindset, a growth mindset where we are curious and we continue to learn throughout our lives and become even more of who we really are.
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It means self-compassion.
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Um, we can't thrive if we're not kind to ourselves.
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And you know, it means finding our own reason for being, meaning, mattering, purpose.
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It means resilience.
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I mean, adversity creeps into every life.
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Uh, and it's uh, you know, that resilience is interestingly enough, it's something that we can build in advance.
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And uh it means, you know, so building that resilience for those tough times.
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Uh thriving involves, you know, making our own choices in life, a bit of autonomy and self-determination.
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And environmental mastery um is is one of the other key components that kind of goes into thriving.
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We were talking about that a moment ago, having the surroundings like nature and being able to step out into the sunshine and uh and and just soak up nature and uh and have a and have a cozy place for us, even if it's a small little corner where we can curl up with a book and a and a mug of tea.
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So I'm laughing because that I moved my computer to record this too.
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I have this cozy little nook in my house.
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It's literally a corner.
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So that's why I was laughing at that.
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It's so true.
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And look, you have control over making those choices.
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Yes, yeah, and choice is a lot, has a lot to do with thriving and getting to a place in our lives where we can make choices about how we want to live our lives.
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Choice, choice.
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So going back to one of the things you just mentioned that stood out for me, you said resilience.
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You brought up the word resilience, and you said you can prepare it in advance, you can practice resilience in advance.
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Will you expand on that?
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I've never really thought when I think of thriving, I think of all the positive aspects.
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Resilience is a positive aspect, but that was a light bulb bonus for me.
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Yeah, if you're resilient, you can thrive.
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Yes, you can.
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Um and it it too is is a mindset.
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Um because anticipating that things are gonna happen.
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You know, if we will if we're fortunate enough to live a long life, we are, we know we're going to lose loved ones.
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Um, we're gonna have career challenges, we're going to feel stressed at from time to time, maybe even burned out.
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Um and you know, resilience is really about adapting to life's difficulties and seeking a path forward through challenges.
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And if we have a flexible mindset, if we know we are someday going to need to deal with these challenges, and many of us already have, and you might find that you are already resilient if we stop and we really reflect on it, but it helps us think critically and stay focused on our values and what matters most.
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That helps us build resilience.
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Um, so um, you know, stresses can take a toll on us.
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How we deal it there, stress is inevitable.
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Yeah, it is, it is, it's and many of us are living with low level stress, chronic stress, all of our lives.
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And so we, you know, we can align strategies, we can think about, you know, what we might do.
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And and in fact, one really practical thing that we can do is even just look at our calendar on a Sunday and take a look, anticipate what's coming up, and start to um you know, plan for those things.
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And other things that we need to do is we need to take care of ourselves, uh, you know, getting the sleep, seven to nine hours of sleep, uh, following a healthy diet, um, getting out and moving, you know, doing a little strength training and a yoga and you know, some aerobic activities.
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A big one is staying socially connected, you know, whether in person or by phone, video calls, whatever.
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Um, you know, having that lifeline is is really also very, very important and building those social connections.
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So um, you know, coaching, that's ultimately what coaching is doing on a deep level.
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It is, isn't it?
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Yep.
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Yeah.
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You know, this this actually kind of leads perfectly into where I'd love to begin our conversation or specifically around coaching.
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You know, I think it's interesting because so many people come into coaching focused on learning the right questions and the right model.
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Um, but at the end of the day, what their clients are going to walk away with, which is what we as humans walk away from a conversation with a loved one or a friend or even a stranger, we walk away remembering how we felt from that conversation.
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So true.
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So Maya Angela quote, like I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you do, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
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And that's that's what our that the space that we're cultivating for connection for that human connection that leads to.
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That human connection.
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And the thing is, it's become quite rare.
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You know, in a way, technologically speaking, we're more connected than we ever have been in human history.
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Um, but we've never been more unseen, interestingly enough.
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I mean, we're surrounded by uh notifications and you know, but not presence when someone actually stops, puts their phone down, holds eye contact and gives someone else's their full undivided attention.
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I really uh some of the research suggests that the nervous system registers it as an event.
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It's almost startling for some people to have that total focus and to be truly heard and understood.
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And it's rare.
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We're moving 90 million miles an hour, it seems like, in most of our lives.
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And to slow down and have that connection is really powerful.
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Sometimes, like in a in in a coaching session, I've had moments with my clients, they've gotten a little emotional simply because someone asked, because we I asked, How are you really?
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How are you to really and then wait for a real answer?
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Because they don't get a chance to talk about that.
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I've noticed that in my everyday conversations with people, which is one of the reasons I love coaching, because how you do anything is how you do everything.
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So it spills into your oh your everyday life, and I'll stop and I'll I'll just slow down and I'll say kind of the same thing, but how are you or you exactly happening for you right now?
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And it it is, it's startling for people more and more because they're not used to that.
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They're not used to that.
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I mean, that kind of caring attention, that kind of connection, it may even be the most honest form of love that we have.
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You know, we can say all day long, I care about you.
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Yeah, you know, but if your eyes are on a screen while you say it, you know, the message that lands is kind of the opposite.
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And you know, being seen and heard is, you know, it it's not a soft skill, it's it's a biological need.
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We, you know, we have from an evolutionary standpoint, human evolution, we have always been connected with other human beings, you know, back in the caveman days around the campfire.
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And one of the worst punishments was to be banished.
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Um I mean, we're wired for human connection, even from infancy.
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Um, you know, and when it's missing, something uh in us just kind of keeps looking for it, and sometimes in unhealthy ways.
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But when it's present, something in us settles, and that can be life-changing, that can allow us to open up to new growth and new possibilities.
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So what I'm hearing is that like before people can make a meaningful change or even get out of feeling like they're stuck and they can't see the forest through the trees, they have to be able to feel that way first.
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Yes.
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To feel truly understood.
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Um and and that is so validating, it's affirming, it makes people feel valued.
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I was just gonna ask, like, what changes when a person feels accepted, valued, seen, and understood?
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Oh, I love that question.
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What what happens?
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It feels like exhaling.
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I mean, it feels like relief for some people um to be truly heard and understood.
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Um, I mean, for some of my clients, they they describe it as a physical sensation.
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Like, I mean, their shoulders drop an inch.
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Um, you know, you can even see it.
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I mean, there's there's kind of this internal vigilance that some of us, many, many of us carry, you know, you know, they're asking themselves, am I making sense?
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You know, what will they think of me if I say this?
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Will will this be judged?
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Uh do I need to keep explaining?
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And when they have this sense of internal vigilance, it kind of uh it it uh it makes them feel uh uh a little bit defensive.
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They're they're in a defensive posture.
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When they feel truly heard and understood and accepted for who they are, that vigilance can stand down.
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They can stop performing and they can start being.
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That's really kind of what I see happens.
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They can start being when they feel understood and accepted.
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Man, that really stands out because I feel like that is so common for most people, even if they're unaware of it.
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And right, right.
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And if if we want to create the kind of space or hold the space for others where they can let down that guard of internal vigilance, we probably have to do our own inner work too to let down our own guard of internal.
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Absolutely, absolutely.
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It's one of the things that initially drew me into coaching is you know, if you if you're gonna put yourself in this place of working with others, you need to have worked with yourself.
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And by the way, when I say I don't mean that in the past tense, it's an ongoing, right?
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It really is.
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Um, I mean, and that and it kind of, I mean, that means not only are we accepting our clients, and there's absolutely no room for judgment in coaching.
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And the same is true with ourselves.
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We need start with ourselves because which starts with ourselves exactly.
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It's that inside out process.
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It's that is exactly.
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We it's self-acceptance, you know, who we are, and stop judging ourselves and accept ourselves.
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And when that happens, everything opens up.
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Um, it's a wonderful thing.
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I mean, judgment, uh, you know, uh, even if it's well-meaning, even if it's gentle, again, it puts people in that defensive crouch, you know, if you will.
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You know, and uh people who feel defensive don't grow.
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And that's the same for us.
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Uh, you know, we need to people who are defensive, they protect, they adopt that kind of a stance.
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Uh and accept acceptance, uh, including self-acceptance, does the opposite.
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It it tells the nervous system that it's safe.
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It's safe to explore.
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It's safe to even look at the messy parts, the unfinished parts, even the unimpressive parts of ourselves, you know, it's and that's where growth lives.
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Looking at that, it's like holding up a mirror.
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And you know, and I mean it it can, you know, that's where growth lives.
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I mean, nobody changes when they when we can't look at ourselves honestly.
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And when the same is true with our clients, if they can't look at themselves honestly and with total safety and acceptance, you know, um they you it it just needs uh that honesty.
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Nobody looks at something honestly while bracing to be judged for it.
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Yeah.
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So thinking about your journey of maybe self-acceptance, um thinking back, what is what has that been like for you?
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Um moving along that continuum, knowing that it's always a practice, it's a journey, it's not a one and done type of thing.
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I was just gonna say, I'm still working on it.
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Do you notice that's different about your coaching, though?
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If you think back to when you started to where you are now with that continuous work on judgment and self-acceptance.
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That's such a great question.
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When I first started, and this was like 29 years ago, I went to code coaching school, and I wanted to do it right, I wanted to be masterful for like from day one, you know.
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And I and I wanted to ask the right questions.
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And and I and I wanted I I I just wanted to use the techniques just the right way.
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And you know, if you and when I finally said, you know what?
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If I and this is where I I love what we teach in our program the being with it's it's I think it's you know, we start out with that when you Stay step back or sit back.
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And you just listen and truly listen.
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Not only for what they're saying but what they're not saying.
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You're listening for changes in their energy, a shift in energy.
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You're listening for what's coming up for them, maybe emotionally, and helping them get in touch with that, because that's data, that's information.
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If they're feeling frustrated about something, we need that needs to be explored.
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And we need, and so if when I start stop trying to be perfect, um and and I still work on that, um it made it allowed much more space, spaciousness in the coaching to explore and really hear what my clients are going through and what they're dealing with and how it's affecting them so that they can spend some time exploring that and figuring out a path forward.
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Um, you know, it's not about us.
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There's a term I was just taking a class, and by the way, you know, I I this is a I'm I'm a work in progress.
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I I I just finished a 10-month coaching program on coaching leaders and well-being um that was offered through Harvard and loved every minute of it.
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And um, you know, it it's it's a process for all of us to continue to work on ourselves.
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And um that um and again it comes to that connection, um to you when you connect with someone, they can relax also and begin to start exploring new ideas, new possibilities, new ways of being themselves.
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So you're kind of modeling that the way the moon analogy, right?
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In a sense, it's like that.
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I'm doing that, I'm giving my clients permission to do the same.
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Exactly, exactly, and it's okay if it's messy.
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Actually, they relax more, they relax more.
00:24:30.720 --> 00:24:38.000
I remember learning that it's a best coaching practice, and my new coaches are always surprised when I share this with them.
00:24:38.160 --> 00:24:47.759
But a best coaching practice is in the middle of a session, if you go blank as a coach, you can say, you know, I'm drawing a blank here.
00:24:48.240 --> 00:24:53.680
I'm curious what's what's happening for you, or what's coming up for you, or what would you ask next?
00:24:54.400 --> 00:25:04.160
Yeah, we're human and we're messy sometimes, and it's natural to um communicate in that way.
00:25:04.319 --> 00:25:05.759
We're not robots, right?
00:25:06.079 --> 00:25:06.640
Exactly.
00:25:06.720 --> 00:25:09.039
And it gives permission to be vulnerable.
00:25:09.279 --> 00:25:10.079
There you go.
00:25:10.640 --> 00:25:15.200
Yeah, I mean I'm expressing my vulnerability as a coach, saying exactly, exactly.
00:25:15.359 --> 00:25:16.640
That's what you're doing, Carrie.
00:25:16.720 --> 00:25:19.519
Yes, and that lets them be.
00:25:19.920 --> 00:25:28.720
I mean, you know, I coach leaders and executives, and you know, they're supposed to have all the answers, or they feel like they need to have all the answers all the time.
00:25:28.960 --> 00:25:34.319
And you know, that talk about you know, chronic stress and pressure.
00:25:35.440 --> 00:25:43.759
Um and in a coaching session, they have permission not to have to have all the answers all the time, to just think out loud.
00:25:43.920 --> 00:25:55.200
I mean, in a way, I think, you know, we are a strategic thinking partner, um, and you know, a sounding board, and they get to just think.
00:25:55.920 --> 00:25:58.559
I love Tony Latimer's definition of coaching.
00:25:58.720 --> 00:26:09.039
I mean, you know, the International Coaching Federation has a wonderful definition of coaching, and it's probably, I think if I recall correctly, a couple of couple, three, four, maybe even five paragraphs long.
00:26:09.200 --> 00:26:11.200
I love Tony Latimer's.
00:26:11.440 --> 00:26:15.519
I mean, coaching is helping others think.
00:26:17.119 --> 00:26:18.240
And I love it.
00:26:18.319 --> 00:26:20.640
It's one, you know, just a few words.
00:26:23.039 --> 00:26:38.400
And and what what we do when we step back and just be, and we're really truly hearing what's coming up for them, what their challenges are, what their needs are, you know, sometimes they just need to be heard.
00:26:38.799 --> 00:26:45.359
Um, sometimes they just need to brainstorm, sometimes they need to just explore possibilities.
00:26:45.599 --> 00:26:53.359
And, you know, we're making that space for them and making it safe for them to be vulnerable and not have to have all the answers.
00:26:53.920 --> 00:26:55.119
I love that.
00:26:55.920 --> 00:26:57.920
It's exploratory.
00:26:58.079 --> 00:27:00.000
That's the word that stands out as.
00:27:00.960 --> 00:27:08.880
And here at CTA, we say that intention and awareness are the cornerstones in creating lasting, lasting change.
00:27:09.039 --> 00:27:11.119
And that's an exploratory process.
00:27:11.279 --> 00:27:16.000
You have this, you have to have the space to think, what is my intention?
00:27:16.400 --> 00:27:25.759
You have to have the space to think through where am I right now and create awareness about where you're at right now and where you want to be.
00:27:26.160 --> 00:27:34.799
And you have to have the space to look back and think through what went well and look how far I've come.
00:27:34.960 --> 00:27:42.799
And going back to what we said earlier, our world is so fast-paced, we're in it with so much information all the time.
00:27:44.799 --> 00:27:47.759
Yes, people are lacking that space to think.
00:27:49.359 --> 00:27:50.319
Absolutely.
00:27:50.559 --> 00:27:51.599
Absolutely.
00:27:51.839 --> 00:27:57.200
And and you know, uh it and it it it helps them to grow.
00:27:57.519 --> 00:28:16.799
Um, you know, we it allows us to be curious with them, um in a way, you know, curiosity and empathy, um and self-awareness.
00:28:16.960 --> 00:28:23.599
I mean, we were talking about, you know, it starts with us, and you know, we can't it starts with self-awareness.
00:28:23.759 --> 00:28:31.200
I mean, we we need to work on that from the very beginning as coaches and that owns our own self-growth and our own self-compassion.
00:28:31.359 --> 00:28:35.200
You know, we can't lead somewhere where we haven't been ourselves.
00:28:35.759 --> 00:28:42.480
And um the good news is this is like a muscle.
00:28:42.640 --> 00:28:55.440
It it can be built, it's about practicing it as you were talking about on purpose and being intentional every single day, and helping our clients be intentional about where they want to go.
00:28:55.519 --> 00:28:59.279
And this is where the curiosity kind of comes in, and empathy.
00:28:59.759 --> 00:29:05.519
Um, you know, curiosity is kind of like the engine of a car, if you will.
00:29:05.680 --> 00:29:14.240
Empathy is kind of like the fuel, and um self-awareness is like the steering wheel.
00:29:14.640 --> 00:29:18.240
So we when we are in a country say that again.
00:29:18.799 --> 00:29:20.160
That was powerful.
00:29:20.319 --> 00:29:22.079
I'm a visual person.
00:29:22.799 --> 00:29:24.799
That yeah, go ahead and say that again.
00:29:24.880 --> 00:29:25.440
I'm okay.
00:29:25.599 --> 00:29:26.559
That was powerful.
00:29:26.880 --> 00:29:32.319
I think of um curiosity as the engine, okay, like in a car.
00:29:33.440 --> 00:29:53.920
So in our sessions, being curious, that's the engine for exploration, empathy, that feeling with our clients, empathy is the fuel that that keeps them going, that being heard, that human connection is the fuel, the hope and possibility, yeah.
00:29:54.160 --> 00:29:56.319
And the hope and possibility, exactly.
00:29:56.559 --> 00:30:04.079
And the self-awareness, our self-awareness, and helping them gain self-awareness becomes the steering wheel.
00:30:04.319 --> 00:30:06.559
Wow, that's how important self-awareness.
00:30:07.119 --> 00:30:21.519
That's how important at all is it's working together, it's working together, exactly, and in terms of where they're going to go and that intentionality that you were that you were asking about, helping them become more intentional.
00:30:22.000 --> 00:30:26.640
But they can only do that if they number one, feel heard and understood.
00:30:26.960 --> 00:30:35.759
Number two, if it's a safe place where they don't feel judged, um, if they don't feel in, they're not in that defensive posture.
00:30:37.680 --> 00:30:44.319
They can open open up and and to truly explore all the different possibilities.
00:30:44.480 --> 00:30:49.599
And our fast-paced culture does not allow very many opportunities for that.
00:30:50.000 --> 00:31:01.599
It's kind of like a mini vacation in the middle of a work week to stop and reflect on what's possible and what do I really want?
00:31:02.160 --> 00:31:06.720
And how can I be intentional about making it happen?
00:31:07.599 --> 00:31:10.160
It really is a mini vacation.
00:31:10.640 --> 00:31:13.680
I think that's how we should start marketing our coaching, Laura.
00:31:14.319 --> 00:31:15.200
It's a mini-vacation.
00:31:18.000 --> 00:31:29.359
Most of the time, one of the things that we listen for in our coaching conversation, and it's this is the magic of coaching for me, is just, and I'm such an energy person.
00:31:29.440 --> 00:31:43.440
It it, you know, hearing and feeling the person's energy behind their words at the beginning of the session and the transformation that happens by the end of the session, it is like a big spread of fresh air that they're feeling.
00:31:43.759 --> 00:31:53.440
It's a mini vacation that we're offering them without having to actually get on a plane and deal with the hassle of flying.
00:31:54.480 --> 00:31:55.839
Now that's a bonus.
00:31:56.480 --> 00:31:57.119
Exactly.
00:31:57.279 --> 00:31:58.319
Oh, this is good.
00:31:58.559 --> 00:32:04.319
This is you know, it's interesting that we're talking about a mini vacation and the car analogy.
00:32:04.799 --> 00:32:13.359
I often say coaching is, you know, if you if we think about how this is a hard concept for a lot of new coaches to grasp.
00:32:13.440 --> 00:32:22.160
And I know you understand this with how many people that you've worked with, new coaches you've worked with, that it's it's less about fixing and telling and problem solving.
00:32:22.480 --> 00:32:27.519
It's more about helping someone reconnect with who they are and what's possible.
00:32:27.759 --> 00:32:34.079
I often say coaching is about helping a person develop their own internal navigation system.
00:32:34.720 --> 00:32:35.920
Oh, I love that.
00:32:36.079 --> 00:32:40.000
Yes, that goes so well with the whole metaphor.
00:32:40.240 --> 00:32:40.960
It does.
00:32:41.119 --> 00:32:41.440
Yeah.
00:32:42.000 --> 00:32:44.960
It's almost like they have to build their own car, right?
00:32:45.119 --> 00:32:49.279
They have to have their own car tuned up, then they have the freedom.
00:32:49.359 --> 00:32:51.759
There's possibility they can go wherever they want.
00:32:52.799 --> 00:32:53.200
Yes.
00:32:53.519 --> 00:32:56.240
And that comes back to someone else's car, right?
00:32:56.480 --> 00:32:57.200
Yes, exactly.
00:32:57.359 --> 00:33:04.240
And that comes back if they want to if they can go, that comes back to that choice, and which leads us to thriving, you know.
00:33:04.400 --> 00:33:09.440
If they can have their own car and go wherever they want, they can choose.
00:33:09.680 --> 00:33:13.359
And we can choose the life we want to a large degree.
00:33:13.519 --> 00:33:16.480
I mean, things are going to come up, which is where resilience comes in.
00:33:16.640 --> 00:33:20.960
But yeah, um, yeah, that that comes down to choice.
00:33:21.119 --> 00:33:31.519
And so many that's so many people feel they're lacking choice, but they haven't had a chance to really sit down and figure out what is possible.
00:33:31.839 --> 00:33:41.119
There's too much clutter, there's too much noise, absolutely, and chaos, and chaos, and demands, yeah.
00:33:42.480 --> 00:33:47.039
So it's something that we continually choose.
00:33:47.200 --> 00:33:53.359
Growth is something that we continually choose, and there's different ways that we go about making that choice.
00:33:53.599 --> 00:33:54.000
Yes.
00:33:54.720 --> 00:33:59.440
I'm curious as we begin wrapping up here.
00:33:59.759 --> 00:34:09.679
What habits or mindsets have you been deliberate about choosing so that you're thriving as a coach today?
00:34:10.320 --> 00:34:11.119
Oh my.
00:34:12.559 --> 00:34:26.000
I know there's there's that's a big question, but if you were if you were to think about what stands out for you or um all right, this this is this one is kind of fundamental.
00:34:26.320 --> 00:34:32.000
You mentioned the work I do in positive psychology coaching, and this is this is fundamental.
00:34:32.159 --> 00:34:37.119
Um and you know, as you know, I love this this field of positive psychology coaching.
00:34:37.199 --> 00:34:50.159
This is all about rather than you know, look, taking a look at what's wrong with people, taking a look at what's right with people, taking a look at people who are thriving and flourishing, and how can we help our clients get there?
00:34:50.400 --> 00:34:54.480
How can we help ourselves get there to this place of thriving and flourishing?
00:34:54.639 --> 00:34:56.960
And there are different elements to that.
00:34:57.039 --> 00:35:03.840
And one of the fundamental ones is the choice of positivity.
00:35:04.000 --> 00:35:07.920
Now, this doesn't mean toxic thought positivity and putting a happy face on everything.
00:35:08.079 --> 00:35:08.320
Yes.
00:35:09.119 --> 00:35:13.840
Go because I have I have new coaches that always challenge me on that.
00:35:14.159 --> 00:35:14.880
Yeah, good.
00:35:15.360 --> 00:35:27.840
No, this is they think it's toxic positivity, and it's not, it's definitely not because we acknowledge that you know things are good, adversity does creep into every life, and we need to also be prepared for that.
00:35:28.079 --> 00:35:32.239
And you said before, even the negative emotions like frustration, that's information.
00:35:32.320 --> 00:35:45.760
That's that's information, and we and we need to explore that, and we need to find out okay, what is if if we want to move along that continuum toward thriving, we want to get we want to remove those frustrations.
00:35:46.719 --> 00:35:59.519
So, but there's one of the fundamental things that all all of us in a practice that I, you know, and this is gonna sound so foundational, and it is, but it's about gratitude.
00:35:59.760 --> 00:36:18.880
It's about a practice that I that I engage in pretty much almost daily, you know, and and it's it's taking and it and it has profound effects, and what the research says for weeks and months after, because it also trains us to find the positive.
00:36:18.960 --> 00:36:20.559
There's positive in every day.
00:36:20.800 --> 00:36:33.519
We can get all wrapped up in what's going wrong, and we can put all of our focus there, and we can begin to spiral down into a real negative place and even possibly into a depression.
00:36:34.159 --> 00:36:42.079
Or we can say, you know what, there's some good stuff, and I am grateful, you know, for hot running water.
00:36:42.239 --> 00:36:43.440
I mean, something as simple as that.
00:36:43.599 --> 00:36:45.280
Taking a shower this morning.
00:36:45.440 --> 00:36:56.079
I am grateful that I can walk into a grocery store and have, you know, acres, not acres, but all this fresh produce from all over the world.
00:36:56.239 --> 00:37:03.440
You know, I don't have to eke out a living chopping through the clay soil out in the back 40, growing my own food.
00:37:03.599 --> 00:37:12.880
I, you know, there's, you know, a hundred years ago, a lot of people didn't have hot running water and they didn't have a grocery store they could just walk into.
00:37:13.199 --> 00:37:19.280
There are always, and we can, and so some of this is a choice where we put our focus.
00:37:19.920 --> 00:37:25.280
And we can put our focus more on the and and and acknowledge the positive.
00:37:25.440 --> 00:37:28.000
It doesn't mean putting a happy face on everything.
00:37:28.239 --> 00:37:33.440
Um, it it, you know, it's it, it, it's, it's definitely not that.
00:37:33.599 --> 00:37:37.679
It's the way I think about it is it expands your brain and your mind.
00:37:37.840 --> 00:37:39.440
It's like taking the blinders off.
00:37:39.599 --> 00:37:42.159
You're able to just see more possibility.
00:37:42.320 --> 00:37:48.000
Like when I first started a gratitude practice, and it was at a really hard time in my life.
00:37:48.079 --> 00:37:52.800
I was in a dark place, and someone had said that carry start every day.
00:37:52.960 --> 00:37:57.360
Three things that you're grateful for in the morning, three things that you're grateful for in the evening.
00:37:57.760 --> 00:38:01.119
And it was hard to find those things.
00:38:01.760 --> 00:38:11.679
And yes, well, once I got into the habit of it, little things like, oh, I can see I love seeing my dog's ear poke through her kennel in the morning.
00:38:11.760 --> 00:38:16.559
She loves her kennel, she sleeps in her kennel, and I love oh, cute little ear poke through the kennel.
00:38:16.880 --> 00:38:18.880
Like it's the littlest thing.
00:38:19.119 --> 00:38:36.559
It's beautiful, and I love what you I love what you that you said that it releases endorphins, at least releases oxytocin, all these hormonal changes, whereas stress releases cortisol, which is a not a good thing physiologically.
00:38:36.719 --> 00:38:41.519
I mean, it affects us, our body, the mind-body connection.
00:38:41.760 --> 00:38:44.719
And I love that you said it takes the blinders off.
00:38:44.800 --> 00:38:46.639
That's a perfect way to say it.
00:38:46.880 --> 00:38:49.360
And I mean, you you couldn't have said it better.
00:38:49.599 --> 00:38:51.280
The research bears that out.
00:38:51.440 --> 00:38:54.960
Barbara Frederickson has this broaden and build theory.
00:38:55.199 --> 00:39:07.039
If we take a look at what's right, it broadens our perspective, it makes more possibilities uh readily seeable.
00:39:07.360 --> 00:39:20.000
We can it it makes more things possible, whereas being negative and choosing to fixate on the negative narrows our focus and closes us down.
00:39:20.400 --> 00:39:37.840
So that's that's that's a practice that I the other another one is really taking a look at priorities, and this is where meaning and purpose come in and values work that I like to do with my clients and I do with myself.
00:39:38.159 --> 00:39:39.519
You gotta practice what you preach, you know?
00:39:39.760 --> 00:39:45.840
And I actually downloaded your wheel of is it your the wheel of thriving, yeah.
00:39:46.559 --> 00:39:49.199
Thriving, the free tool, yes, yeah, uh-huh.
00:39:49.519 --> 00:39:55.760
Yeah, yeah, that's available to coaches, um, and uh um and to anybody really.
00:39:55.840 --> 00:39:57.519
I put it up on my website.
00:39:57.840 --> 00:40:07.199
And it it's and it's scientifically based, it's evidence-based, it's what the leading researchers and scholars are saying about how to thrive.
00:40:07.280 --> 00:40:10.159
And these are the elements that go into thriving.
00:40:10.800 --> 00:40:22.639
And um, and you know figuring out, you know, our our our reason for being, our meaning, the meaning and and the uh and purpose is important.
00:40:22.719 --> 00:40:27.199
Now it doesn't have to be a grand meaning, it doesn't mean you have to be Mother Teresa.
00:40:29.599 --> 00:40:44.960
Because I do think sometimes that that keeps people stuck because they're what overwhelmed, like I have yeah, and and that's you know, I mean, I I have the great good fortune to have grandchildren now at this point in my life.
00:40:45.199 --> 00:40:58.800
Um, and you mentioned uh a little bit ago, it's it's it's not what you say that makes any impact whatsoever whatsoever, it's how you make them feel.
00:40:59.199 --> 00:41:09.840
And when my grandkids come around, they I'm I'm I mean, I am very intentional about making sure they feel unconditionally loved.
00:41:11.199 --> 00:41:17.199
Um, and it's not about showering them with gifts and you know, and um it's not about that at all.
00:41:17.360 --> 00:41:31.039
It's pausing to really get down on their level and look at them face to face and hear what they're saying, because what they're saying is just as important to them as what you know my executive clients are saying.
00:41:31.280 --> 00:41:38.880
Um, and they feel they feel heard and um and they feel accepted and unconditionally loved.
00:41:39.119 --> 00:41:45.440
You know, it's um, you know uh it's so it's just it's so important.
00:41:45.519 --> 00:41:56.320
And so that's kind of become a big part of my meaning now and my purpose at this stage of my life, you know, and that's a small thing.
00:41:56.480 --> 00:42:25.760
You know, I I I is it Ralph Wald Emerson has that wonderful, um, that wonderful poem that says, you know, even to have left the world a better place through a garden patch, um, you know, uh uh a child, you know, who you know, who feels that they they were heard and loved unconditionally, no matter, you know, or some grand, you know, purpose.
00:42:26.079 --> 00:42:29.920
This is what it means to have lived a good life.
00:42:30.239 --> 00:42:49.519
And so pausing, another practice to answer your question, another practice is to pause every once in a while and think about, you know, rather than the to-do list and what you didn't get crossed off, but you know, how did I live today?
00:42:49.840 --> 00:42:53.440
Did I live in alignment with my values?
00:42:53.599 --> 00:42:56.400
What's important, what I state is important to me?
00:42:56.559 --> 00:43:09.760
I mean, a lot of people, when you do values work, they say, my family, you know, and then you work with and I work with these executives and they're working late hours and they're traveling two or three weeks out of the, you know, and you know, are you living your values?
00:43:09.840 --> 00:43:18.400
And are you living your, you know, are you living in accordance with and in alignment with what gives you meaning and what gives you purpose?
00:43:18.719 --> 00:43:38.320
And to to even go a step further, one thing that I've been trying to intentionally practice that's making me a better coach and just I would think a better human is how did I feel in conversation with someone and and how did they feel?
00:43:38.480 --> 00:43:45.360
Like what was the impact of the feeling of that interaction, that connection?
00:43:45.760 --> 00:43:46.400
Yes.
00:43:46.960 --> 00:43:48.159
That's the mark, Carrie.
00:43:48.320 --> 00:43:49.760
That's the mark of a great coach.
00:43:50.000 --> 00:43:58.079
I love that you mentioned that too, because that's so important, you know, as we as we think about, you know, becoming better coaches ourselves.
00:43:58.239 --> 00:44:12.000
Um, and and you know, you and I are both faculty and teaching coaching and helping our our our participants become even better coaches and and by extension better people.
00:44:12.400 --> 00:44:20.880
It's um uh it's about uh I forget what launched me into this.
00:44:20.960 --> 00:44:21.519
I'm sorry.
00:44:21.920 --> 00:44:23.199
Oh, that's okay.
00:44:25.360 --> 00:44:30.079
Um you said an important thing, and I wanted to underscore what you said.
00:44:30.239 --> 00:44:39.679
Yeah, I said about I was and I'm still this is a new concept for me, but it reminded me when you said when you know, reflect like, did I live according to my values?
00:44:39.920 --> 00:44:40.480
Oh, right.
00:44:40.880 --> 00:44:50.719
One of the things that I'm trying to do is did I live in a way today where my interactions cultivated good feeling?
00:44:51.039 --> 00:44:54.400
Yes, and that self-reflection is so important.
00:44:55.199 --> 00:45:05.440
That's also something good to do after a coaching session is kind of hold up a mirror and take a look at, you know, what worked here?
00:45:06.079 --> 00:45:08.559
What would it do differently?
00:45:08.719 --> 00:45:12.320
Um, and how did I feel during this?
00:45:12.480 --> 00:45:20.800
Did I feel that connection and reflect on the other person that our client or the other person we're in comp any conversation with?
00:45:21.039 --> 00:45:34.159
How might they have felt when and so that we can make kind of course corrections as we as we develop ourselves into coaching, into better, becoming better and better coaches.
00:45:34.320 --> 00:45:36.400
Where did I speak up where I shouldn't have?
00:45:36.559 --> 00:45:39.840
You know, where did I where could I have listened better?
00:45:40.079 --> 00:45:43.119
Um, it it can be really powerful.
00:45:43.440 --> 00:45:46.880
That self-awareness is so important.
00:45:48.559 --> 00:45:49.360
Beautiful.
00:45:49.679 --> 00:45:53.360
So, Laura, thank you for this conversation.
00:45:53.519 --> 00:46:00.880
One of my biggest takeaways from this conversation is that coaching isn't simply about asking better questions.
00:46:01.039 --> 00:46:06.000
We say it's less about the doing, it's more about the being, it's how you show up for another human being.
00:46:06.079 --> 00:46:14.239
It's how about creating that space where people feel seen, heard, understood, and safe enough to grow and be at choice.
00:46:14.559 --> 00:46:23.039
And so thank you for sharing your wisdom with us and for helping us launch coaching and thriving in in such a meaningful way.
00:46:23.599 --> 00:46:26.719
Well, thank you for inviting me to have this conversation.
00:46:26.800 --> 00:46:27.679
I enjoyed every minute.
00:46:27.840 --> 00:46:29.599
I'm like, I can't believe it's over.
00:46:31.119 --> 00:46:32.480
I did too.
00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:02.959
Welcome to our podcast.
00:00:03.200 --> 00:00:19.920
Today's guest is someone who has dedicated her career to helping leaders move beyond simply succeeding to truly thriving, which is a perfect way to start off this podcast launch for coaching and thriving.
00:00:20.160 --> 00:00:21.839
I am thrilled to welcome Dr.
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Laura Belson.
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Laura is an MCC coach, which is the highest credential awarded by the International Coaching Federation, and she's the founder and CEO of the Center for Thriving Leaders.
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For more than 25 years, she's been helping leaders, executives, organizations among their potential to become coaching, emotional intelligence, and psychology.
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And what I appreciate about is not just about helping people perform better, it's about helping them performish in every area of life, which again ties in perfectly to provision around this podcast.
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Laura and I have been in touch over the past months.
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Um and it's just wonderful that we're making this happen.
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I'm so excited for our conversation.
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I can't wait to share.
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Oh, Carrie.
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Thank you.
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I'm just, I'm just delighted to be here with you, Carrie.
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It's I'm I'm very excited um to have this conversation.
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It's gonna be fun.
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Yeah.
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And we we both have our our, even though it's hot here in Colorado, I have a warm cup of coffee in my hand.
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So And I have my hot mug of tea.
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Thank goodness for air conditioned, right?
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Thank goodness.
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I don't know about you, Laura, but before I get before I get on a call with maybe a client or um a chat like this, like an interview.
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I I was laughing.
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I just I I have these yoga blocks where I lay on my floor and I do a back bend, and I get probably three or four cracks in my back.
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And I all of a sudden, like my I can breathe better, I can sit taller, and I feel like I have more bandwidth or a grounded conversation and being curious.
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Do you do anything before you get on a call with the client?
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And I understand that the yogi in me is the one doing back.
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I'm so glad you asked.
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And that's a great practice to do.
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And you know, when I teach, you know, for the program, I uh I I I encourage coaches to build that into their practice.
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And yes, I do.
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I um I I like to build in a half an hour between coaching sessions, coaching calls, and because I usually send something as a follow-up.
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Um, but then I like to get up and walk around.
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And I, if it's if the weather is good, I like to step outside.
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And especially this time of year, in my bare feet on the grass, feel grounded to the to the earth, have the sunshine just flood over me and take some deep breaths, and then I come back in and review the coach session prep form that the client might have sent me, hopefully sent me.
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Well, and or and or notes from last time, so that I feel, and then I feel I take a few more deep breaths and I feel completely grounded.
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And it's it's a I think it's a good practice for all of us.
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And so I love that you have found what works for you.
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I might have to try that.
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Yeah, I actually know where my yoga blocks are.
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I I had my eyes closed as you were talking there.
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And I I do this thing sometimes too.
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I walk outside, put my feet in the grass, feel the sun.
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So, ah, this is a great place to start.
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So I have to tell you, when I first started thinking about this podcast and the conversations that we wanted to have, your name immediately came to mind.
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I remember where I was sitting when I was having this conversation with a colleague about all of this.
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I'm like, Dr.
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Laura, that's who I want to have, I want to work.
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And um, one of the reasons I wanted you as our very first guest is because this entire podcast is about helping coaches grow, not just in their skill, but in how they think, how they are, in their being, how they show up, and and ultimately how they thrive.
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And when I looked at the work you've done throughout your career, especially in helping people flourish and creating a space where people feel seen, heard, and understood, I felt like this was just a perfect place to begin, considering the name of our podcast is Coaching and Thriving.
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So before we talk about coaching, what does thriving mean to you?
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Oh, wow, that is a great question.
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Um, and I think it means something different for everybody.
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And there are different aspects and different things that go into thriving.
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Um, for me, it means probably first and foremost, human connection, um, really connecting at a deep level with other human beings.
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Um and it means, and and that's so important in coaching when we get to the to the topic of coaching.
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Thriving also means continuous growth, it means an open mindset, a growth mindset where we are curious and we continue to learn throughout our lives and become even more of who we really are.
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It means self-compassion.
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Um, we can't thrive if we're not kind to ourselves.
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And you know, it means finding our own reason for being, meaning, mattering, purpose.
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It means resilience.
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I mean, adversity creeps into every life.
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Uh, and it's uh, you know, that resilience is interestingly enough, it's something that we can build in advance.
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And uh it means, you know, so building that resilience for those tough times.
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Uh thriving involves, you know, making our own choices in life, a bit of autonomy and self-determination.
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And environmental mastery um is is one of the other key components that kind of goes into thriving.
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We were talking about that a moment ago, having the surroundings like nature and being able to step out into the sunshine and uh and and just soak up nature and uh and have a and have a cozy place for us, even if it's a small little corner where we can curl up with a book and a and a mug of tea.
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So I'm laughing because that I moved my computer to record this too.
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I have this cozy little nook in my house.
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It's literally a corner.
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So that's why I was laughing at that.
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It's so true.
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And look, you have control over making those choices.
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Yes, yeah, and choice is a lot, has a lot to do with thriving and getting to a place in our lives where we can make choices about how we want to live our lives.
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Choice, choice.
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So going back to one of the things you just mentioned that stood out for me, you said resilience.
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You brought up the word resilience, and you said you can prepare it in advance, you can practice resilience in advance.
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Will you expand on that?
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I've never really thought when I think of thriving, I think of all the positive aspects.
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Resilience is a positive aspect, but that was a light bulb bonus for me.
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Yeah, if you're resilient, you can thrive.
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Yes, you can.
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Um and it it too is is a mindset.
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Um because anticipating that things are gonna happen.
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You know, if we will if we're fortunate enough to live a long life, we are, we know we're going to lose loved ones.
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Um, we're gonna have career challenges, we're going to feel stressed at from time to time, maybe even burned out.
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Um and you know, resilience is really about adapting to life's difficulties and seeking a path forward through challenges.
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And if we have a flexible mindset, if we know we are someday going to need to deal with these challenges, and many of us already have, and you might find that you are already resilient if we stop and we really reflect on it, but it helps us think critically and stay focused on our values and what matters most.
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That helps us build resilience.
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Um, so um, you know, stresses can take a toll on us.
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How we deal it there, stress is inevitable.
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Yeah, it is, it is, it's and many of us are living with low level stress, chronic stress, all of our lives.
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And so we, you know, we can align strategies, we can think about, you know, what we might do.
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And and in fact, one really practical thing that we can do is even just look at our calendar on a Sunday and take a look, anticipate what's coming up, and start to um you know, plan for those things.
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And other things that we need to do is we need to take care of ourselves, uh, you know, getting the sleep, seven to nine hours of sleep, uh, following a healthy diet, um, getting out and moving, you know, doing a little strength training and a yoga and you know, some aerobic activities.
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A big one is staying socially connected, you know, whether in person or by phone, video calls, whatever.
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Um, you know, having that lifeline is is really also very, very important and building those social connections.
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So um, you know, coaching, that's ultimately what coaching is doing on a deep level.
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It is, isn't it?
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Yep.
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Yeah.
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You know, this this actually kind of leads perfectly into where I'd love to begin our conversation or specifically around coaching.
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You know, I think it's interesting because so many people come into coaching focused on learning the right questions and the right model.
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Um, but at the end of the day, what their clients are going to walk away with, which is what we as humans walk away from a conversation with a loved one or a friend or even a stranger, we walk away remembering how we felt from that conversation.
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So true.
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So Maya Angela quote, like I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you do, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
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And that's that's what our that the space that we're cultivating for connection for that human connection that leads to.
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That human connection.
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And the thing is, it's become quite rare.
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You know, in a way, technologically speaking, we're more connected than we ever have been in human history.
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Um, but we've never been more unseen, interestingly enough.
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I mean, we're surrounded by uh notifications and you know, but not presence when someone actually stops, puts their phone down, holds eye contact and gives someone else's their full undivided attention.
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I really uh some of the research suggests that the nervous system registers it as an event.
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It's almost startling for some people to have that total focus and to be truly heard and understood.
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And it's rare.
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We're moving 90 million miles an hour, it seems like, in most of our lives.
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And to slow down and have that connection is really powerful.
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Sometimes, like in a in in a coaching session, I've had moments with my clients, they've gotten a little emotional simply because someone asked, because we I asked, How are you really?
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How are you to really and then wait for a real answer?
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Because they don't get a chance to talk about that.
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I've noticed that in my everyday conversations with people, which is one of the reasons I love coaching, because how you do anything is how you do everything.
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So it spills into your oh your everyday life, and I'll stop and I'll I'll just slow down and I'll say kind of the same thing, but how are you or you exactly happening for you right now?
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And it it is, it's startling for people more and more because they're not used to that.
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They're not used to that.
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I mean, that kind of caring attention, that kind of connection, it may even be the most honest form of love that we have.
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You know, we can say all day long, I care about you.
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Yeah, you know, but if your eyes are on a screen while you say it, you know, the message that lands is kind of the opposite.
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And you know, being seen and heard is, you know, it it's not a soft skill, it's it's a biological need.
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We, you know, we have from an evolutionary standpoint, human evolution, we have always been connected with other human beings, you know, back in the caveman days around the campfire.
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And one of the worst punishments was to be banished.
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Um I mean, we're wired for human connection, even from infancy.
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Um, you know, and when it's missing, something uh in us just kind of keeps looking for it, and sometimes in unhealthy ways.
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But when it's present, something in us settles, and that can be life-changing, that can allow us to open up to new growth and new possibilities.
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So what I'm hearing is that like before people can make a meaningful change or even get out of feeling like they're stuck and they can't see the forest through the trees, they have to be able to feel that way first.
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Yes.
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To feel truly understood.
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Um and and that is so validating, it's affirming, it makes people feel valued.
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I was just gonna ask, like, what changes when a person feels accepted, valued, seen, and understood?
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Oh, I love that question.
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What what happens?
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It feels like exhaling.
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I mean, it feels like relief for some people um to be truly heard and understood.
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Um, I mean, for some of my clients, they they describe it as a physical sensation.
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Like, I mean, their shoulders drop an inch.
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Um, you know, you can even see it.
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I mean, there's there's kind of this internal vigilance that some of us, many, many of us carry, you know, you know, they're asking themselves, am I making sense?
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You know, what will they think of me if I say this?
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Will will this be judged?
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Uh do I need to keep explaining?
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And when they have this sense of internal vigilance, it kind of uh it it uh it makes them feel uh uh a little bit defensive.
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They're they're in a defensive posture.
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When they feel truly heard and understood and accepted for who they are, that vigilance can stand down.
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They can stop performing and they can start being.
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That's really kind of what I see happens.
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They can start being when they feel understood and accepted.
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Man, that really stands out because I feel like that is so common for most people, even if they're unaware of it.
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And right, right.
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And if if we want to create the kind of space or hold the space for others where they can let down that guard of internal vigilance, we probably have to do our own inner work too to let down our own guard of internal.
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Absolutely, absolutely.
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It's one of the things that initially drew me into coaching is you know, if you if you're gonna put yourself in this place of working with others, you need to have worked with yourself.
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And by the way, when I say I don't mean that in the past tense, it's an ongoing, right?
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It really is.
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Um, I mean, and that and it kind of, I mean, that means not only are we accepting our clients, and there's absolutely no room for judgment in coaching.
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And the same is true with ourselves.
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We need start with ourselves because which starts with ourselves exactly.
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It's that inside out process.
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It's that is exactly.
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We it's self-acceptance, you know, who we are, and stop judging ourselves and accept ourselves.
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And when that happens, everything opens up.
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Um, it's a wonderful thing.
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I mean, judgment, uh, you know, uh, even if it's well-meaning, even if it's gentle, again, it puts people in that defensive crouch, you know, if you will.
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You know, and uh people who feel defensive don't grow.
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And that's the same for us.
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Uh, you know, we need to people who are defensive, they protect, they adopt that kind of a stance.
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Uh and accept acceptance, uh, including self-acceptance, does the opposite.
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It it tells the nervous system that it's safe.
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It's safe to explore.
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It's safe to even look at the messy parts, the unfinished parts, even the unimpressive parts of ourselves, you know, it's and that's where growth lives.
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Looking at that, it's like holding up a mirror.
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And you know, and I mean it it can, you know, that's where growth lives.
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I mean, nobody changes when they when we can't look at ourselves honestly.
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And when the same is true with our clients, if they can't look at themselves honestly and with total safety and acceptance, you know, um they you it it just needs uh that honesty.
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Nobody looks at something honestly while bracing to be judged for it.
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Yeah.
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So thinking about your journey of maybe self-acceptance, um thinking back, what is what has that been like for you?
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Um moving along that continuum, knowing that it's always a practice, it's a journey, it's not a one and done type of thing.
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I was just gonna say, I'm still working on it.
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Do you notice that's different about your coaching, though?
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If you think back to when you started to where you are now with that continuous work on judgment and self-acceptance.
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That's such a great question.
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When I first started, and this was like 29 years ago, I went to code coaching school, and I wanted to do it right, I wanted to be masterful for like from day one, you know.
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And I and I wanted to ask the right questions.
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And and I and I wanted I I I just wanted to use the techniques just the right way.
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And you know, if you and when I finally said, you know what?
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If I and this is where I I love what we teach in our program the being with it's it's I think it's you know, we start out with that when you Stay step back or sit back.
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And you just listen and truly listen.
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Not only for what they're saying but what they're not saying.
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You're listening for changes in their energy, a shift in energy.
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You're listening for what's coming up for them, maybe emotionally, and helping them get in touch with that, because that's data, that's information.
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If they're feeling frustrated about something, we need that needs to be explored.
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And we need, and so if when I start stop trying to be perfect, um and and I still work on that, um it made it allowed much more space, spaciousness in the coaching to explore and really hear what my clients are going through and what they're dealing with and how it's affecting them so that they can spend some time exploring that and figuring out a path forward.
00:23:08.400 --> 00:23:11.039
Um, you know, it's not about us.
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There's a term I was just taking a class, and by the way, you know, I I this is a I'm I'm a work in progress.
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I I I just finished a 10-month coaching program on coaching leaders and well-being um that was offered through Harvard and loved every minute of it.
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And um, you know, it it's it's a process for all of us to continue to work on ourselves.
00:23:42.720 --> 00:24:06.480
And um that um and again it comes to that connection, um to you when you connect with someone, they can relax also and begin to start exploring new ideas, new possibilities, new ways of being themselves.
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So you're kind of modeling that the way the moon analogy, right?
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In a sense, it's like that.
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I'm doing that, I'm giving my clients permission to do the same.
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Exactly, exactly, and it's okay if it's messy.
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Actually, they relax more, they relax more.
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I remember learning that it's a best coaching practice, and my new coaches are always surprised when I share this with them.
00:24:38.160 --> 00:24:47.759
But a best coaching practice is in the middle of a session, if you go blank as a coach, you can say, you know, I'm drawing a blank here.
00:24:48.240 --> 00:24:53.680
I'm curious what's what's happening for you, or what's coming up for you, or what would you ask next?
00:24:54.400 --> 00:25:04.160
Yeah, we're human and we're messy sometimes, and it's natural to um communicate in that way.
00:25:04.319 --> 00:25:05.759
We're not robots, right?
00:25:06.079 --> 00:25:06.640
Exactly.
00:25:06.720 --> 00:25:09.039
And it gives permission to be vulnerable.
00:25:09.279 --> 00:25:10.079
There you go.
00:25:10.640 --> 00:25:15.200
Yeah, I mean I'm expressing my vulnerability as a coach, saying exactly, exactly.
00:25:15.359 --> 00:25:16.640
That's what you're doing, Carrie.
00:25:16.720 --> 00:25:19.519
Yes, and that lets them be.
00:25:19.920 --> 00:25:28.720
I mean, you know, I coach leaders and executives, and you know, they're supposed to have all the answers, or they feel like they need to have all the answers all the time.
00:25:28.960 --> 00:25:34.319
And you know, that talk about you know, chronic stress and pressure.
00:25:35.440 --> 00:25:43.759
Um and in a coaching session, they have permission not to have to have all the answers all the time, to just think out loud.
00:25:43.920 --> 00:25:55.200
I mean, in a way, I think, you know, we are a strategic thinking partner, um, and you know, a sounding board, and they get to just think.
00:25:55.920 --> 00:25:58.559
I love Tony Latimer's definition of coaching.
00:25:58.720 --> 00:26:09.039
I mean, you know, the International Coaching Federation has a wonderful definition of coaching, and it's probably, I think if I recall correctly, a couple of couple, three, four, maybe even five paragraphs long.
00:26:09.200 --> 00:26:11.200
I love Tony Latimer's.
00:26:11.440 --> 00:26:15.519
I mean, coaching is helping others think.
00:26:17.119 --> 00:26:18.240
And I love it.
00:26:18.319 --> 00:26:20.640
It's one, you know, just a few words.
00:26:23.039 --> 00:26:38.400
And and what what we do when we step back and just be, and we're really truly hearing what's coming up for them, what their challenges are, what their needs are, you know, sometimes they just need to be heard.
00:26:38.799 --> 00:26:45.359
Um, sometimes they just need to brainstorm, sometimes they need to just explore possibilities.
00:26:45.599 --> 00:26:53.359
And, you know, we're making that space for them and making it safe for them to be vulnerable and not have to have all the answers.
00:26:53.920 --> 00:26:55.119
I love that.
00:26:55.920 --> 00:26:57.920
It's exploratory.
00:26:58.079 --> 00:27:00.000
That's the word that stands out as.
00:27:00.960 --> 00:27:08.880
And here at CTA, we say that intention and awareness are the cornerstones in creating lasting, lasting change.
00:27:09.039 --> 00:27:11.119
And that's an exploratory process.
00:27:11.279 --> 00:27:16.000
You have this, you have to have the space to think, what is my intention?
00:27:16.400 --> 00:27:25.759
You have to have the space to think through where am I right now and create awareness about where you're at right now and where you want to be.
00:27:26.160 --> 00:27:34.799
And you have to have the space to look back and think through what went well and look how far I've come.
00:27:34.960 --> 00:27:42.799
And going back to what we said earlier, our world is so fast-paced, we're in it with so much information all the time.
00:27:44.799 --> 00:27:47.759
Yes, people are lacking that space to think.
00:27:49.359 --> 00:27:50.319
Absolutely.
00:27:50.559 --> 00:27:51.599
Absolutely.
00:27:51.839 --> 00:27:57.200
And and you know, uh it and it it it helps them to grow.
00:27:57.519 --> 00:28:16.799
Um, you know, we it allows us to be curious with them, um in a way, you know, curiosity and empathy, um and self-awareness.
00:28:16.960 --> 00:28:23.599
I mean, we were talking about, you know, it starts with us, and you know, we can't it starts with self-awareness.
00:28:23.759 --> 00:28:31.200
I mean, we we need to work on that from the very beginning as coaches and that owns our own self-growth and our own self-compassion.
00:28:31.359 --> 00:28:35.200
You know, we can't lead somewhere where we haven't been ourselves.
00:28:35.759 --> 00:28:42.480
And um the good news is this is like a muscle.
00:28:42.640 --> 00:28:55.440
It it can be built, it's about practicing it as you were talking about on purpose and being intentional every single day, and helping our clients be intentional about where they want to go.
00:28:55.519 --> 00:28:59.279
And this is where the curiosity kind of comes in, and empathy.
00:28:59.759 --> 00:29:05.519
Um, you know, curiosity is kind of like the engine of a car, if you will.
00:29:05.680 --> 00:29:14.240
Empathy is kind of like the fuel, and um self-awareness is like the steering wheel.
00:29:14.640 --> 00:29:18.240
So we when we are in a country say that again.
00:29:18.799 --> 00:29:20.160
That was powerful.
00:29:20.319 --> 00:29:22.079
I'm a visual person.
00:29:22.799 --> 00:29:24.799
That yeah, go ahead and say that again.
00:29:24.880 --> 00:29:25.440
I'm okay.
00:29:25.599 --> 00:29:26.559
That was powerful.
00:29:26.880 --> 00:29:32.319
I think of um curiosity as the engine, okay, like in a car.
00:29:33.440 --> 00:29:53.920
So in our sessions, being curious, that's the engine for exploration, empathy, that feeling with our clients, empathy is the fuel that that keeps them going, that being heard, that human connection is the fuel, the hope and possibility, yeah.
00:29:54.160 --> 00:29:56.319
And the hope and possibility, exactly.
00:29:56.559 --> 00:30:04.079
And the self-awareness, our self-awareness, and helping them gain self-awareness becomes the steering wheel.
00:30:04.319 --> 00:30:06.559
Wow, that's how important self-awareness.
00:30:07.119 --> 00:30:21.519
That's how important at all is it's working together, it's working together, exactly, and in terms of where they're going to go and that intentionality that you were that you were asking about, helping them become more intentional.
00:30:22.000 --> 00:30:26.640
But they can only do that if they number one, feel heard and understood.
00:30:26.960 --> 00:30:35.759
Number two, if it's a safe place where they don't feel judged, um, if they don't feel in, they're not in that defensive posture.
00:30:37.680 --> 00:30:44.319
They can open open up and and to truly explore all the different possibilities.
00:30:44.480 --> 00:30:49.599
And our fast-paced culture does not allow very many opportunities for that.
00:30:50.000 --> 00:31:01.599
It's kind of like a mini vacation in the middle of a work week to stop and reflect on what's possible and what do I really want?
00:31:02.160 --> 00:31:06.720
And how can I be intentional about making it happen?
00:31:07.599 --> 00:31:10.160
It really is a mini vacation.
00:31:10.640 --> 00:31:13.680
I think that's how we should start marketing our coaching, Laura.
00:31:14.319 --> 00:31:15.200
It's a mini-vacation.
00:31:18.000 --> 00:31:29.359
Most of the time, one of the things that we listen for in our coaching conversation, and it's this is the magic of coaching for me, is just, and I'm such an energy person.
00:31:29.440 --> 00:31:43.440
It it, you know, hearing and feeling the person's energy behind their words at the beginning of the session and the transformation that happens by the end of the session, it is like a big spread of fresh air that they're feeling.
00:31:43.759 --> 00:31:53.440
It's a mini vacation that we're offering them without having to actually get on a plane and deal with the hassle of flying.
00:31:54.480 --> 00:31:55.839
Now that's a bonus.
00:31:56.480 --> 00:31:57.119
Exactly.
00:31:57.279 --> 00:31:58.319
Oh, this is good.
00:31:58.559 --> 00:32:04.319
This is you know, it's interesting that we're talking about a mini vacation and the car analogy.
00:32:04.799 --> 00:32:13.359
I often say coaching is, you know, if you if we think about how this is a hard concept for a lot of new coaches to grasp.
00:32:13.440 --> 00:32:22.160
And I know you understand this with how many people that you've worked with, new coaches you've worked with, that it's it's less about fixing and telling and problem solving.
00:32:22.480 --> 00:32:27.519
It's more about helping someone reconnect with who they are and what's possible.
00:32:27.759 --> 00:32:34.079
I often say coaching is about helping a person develop their own internal navigation system.
00:32:34.720 --> 00:32:35.920
Oh, I love that.
00:32:36.079 --> 00:32:40.000
Yes, that goes so well with the whole metaphor.
00:32:40.240 --> 00:32:40.960
It does.
00:32:41.119 --> 00:32:41.440
Yeah.
00:32:42.000 --> 00:32:44.960
It's almost like they have to build their own car, right?
00:32:45.119 --> 00:32:49.279
They have to have their own car tuned up, then they have the freedom.
00:32:49.359 --> 00:32:51.759
There's possibility they can go wherever they want.
00:32:52.799 --> 00:32:53.200
Yes.
00:32:53.519 --> 00:32:56.240
And that comes back to someone else's car, right?
00:32:56.480 --> 00:32:57.200
Yes, exactly.
00:32:57.359 --> 00:33:04.240
And that comes back if they want to if they can go, that comes back to that choice, and which leads us to thriving, you know.
00:33:04.400 --> 00:33:09.440
If they can have their own car and go wherever they want, they can choose.
00:33:09.680 --> 00:33:13.359
And we can choose the life we want to a large degree.
00:33:13.519 --> 00:33:16.480
I mean, things are going to come up, which is where resilience comes in.
00:33:16.640 --> 00:33:20.960
But yeah, um, yeah, that that comes down to choice.
00:33:21.119 --> 00:33:31.519
And so many that's so many people feel they're lacking choice, but they haven't had a chance to really sit down and figure out what is possible.
00:33:31.839 --> 00:33:41.119
There's too much clutter, there's too much noise, absolutely, and chaos, and chaos, and demands, yeah.
00:33:42.480 --> 00:33:47.039
So it's something that we continually choose.
00:33:47.200 --> 00:33:53.359
Growth is something that we continually choose, and there's different ways that we go about making that choice.
00:33:53.599 --> 00:33:54.000
Yes.
00:33:54.720 --> 00:33:59.440
I'm curious as we begin wrapping up here.
00:33:59.759 --> 00:34:09.679
What habits or mindsets have you been deliberate about choosing so that you're thriving as a coach today?
00:34:10.320 --> 00:34:11.119
Oh my.
00:34:12.559 --> 00:34:26.000
I know there's there's that's a big question, but if you were if you were to think about what stands out for you or um all right, this this is this one is kind of fundamental.
00:34:26.320 --> 00:34:32.000
You mentioned the work I do in positive psychology coaching, and this is this is fundamental.
00:34:32.159 --> 00:34:37.119
Um and you know, as you know, I love this this field of positive psychology coaching.
00:34:37.199 --> 00:34:50.159
This is all about rather than you know, look, taking a look at what's wrong with people, taking a look at what's right with people, taking a look at people who are thriving and flourishing, and how can we help our clients get there?
00:34:50.400 --> 00:34:54.480
How can we help ourselves get there to this place of thriving and flourishing?
00:34:54.639 --> 00:34:56.960
And there are different elements to that.
00:34:57.039 --> 00:35:03.840
And one of the fundamental ones is the choice of positivity.
00:35:04.000 --> 00:35:07.920
Now, this doesn't mean toxic thought positivity and putting a happy face on everything.
00:35:08.079 --> 00:35:08.320
Yes.
00:35:09.119 --> 00:35:13.840
Go because I have I have new coaches that always challenge me on that.
00:35:14.159 --> 00:35:14.880
Yeah, good.
00:35:15.360 --> 00:35:27.840
No, this is they think it's toxic positivity, and it's not, it's definitely not because we acknowledge that you know things are good, adversity does creep into every life, and we need to also be prepared for that.
00:35:28.079 --> 00:35:32.239
And you said before, even the negative emotions like frustration, that's information.
00:35:32.320 --> 00:35:45.760
That's that's information, and we and we need to explore that, and we need to find out okay, what is if if we want to move along that continuum toward thriving, we want to get we want to remove those frustrations.
00:35:46.719 --> 00:35:59.519
So, but there's one of the fundamental things that all all of us in a practice that I, you know, and this is gonna sound so foundational, and it is, but it's about gratitude.
00:35:59.760 --> 00:36:18.880
It's about a practice that I that I engage in pretty much almost daily, you know, and and it's it's taking and it and it has profound effects, and what the research says for weeks and months after, because it also trains us to find the positive.
00:36:18.960 --> 00:36:20.559
There's positive in every day.
00:36:20.800 --> 00:36:33.519
We can get all wrapped up in what's going wrong, and we can put all of our focus there, and we can begin to spiral down into a real negative place and even possibly into a depression.
00:36:34.159 --> 00:36:42.079
Or we can say, you know what, there's some good stuff, and I am grateful, you know, for hot running water.
00:36:42.239 --> 00:36:43.440
I mean, something as simple as that.
00:36:43.599 --> 00:36:45.280
Taking a shower this morning.
00:36:45.440 --> 00:36:56.079
I am grateful that I can walk into a grocery store and have, you know, acres, not acres, but all this fresh produce from all over the world.
00:36:56.239 --> 00:37:03.440
You know, I don't have to eke out a living chopping through the clay soil out in the back 40, growing my own food.
00:37:03.599 --> 00:37:12.880
I, you know, there's, you know, a hundred years ago, a lot of people didn't have hot running water and they didn't have a grocery store they could just walk into.
00:37:13.199 --> 00:37:19.280
There are always, and we can, and so some of this is a choice where we put our focus.
00:37:19.920 --> 00:37:25.280
And we can put our focus more on the and and and acknowledge the positive.
00:37:25.440 --> 00:37:28.000
It doesn't mean putting a happy face on everything.
00:37:28.239 --> 00:37:33.440
Um, it it, you know, it's it, it, it's, it's definitely not that.
00:37:33.599 --> 00:37:37.679
It's the way I think about it is it expands your brain and your mind.
00:37:37.840 --> 00:37:39.440
It's like taking the blinders off.
00:37:39.599 --> 00:37:42.159
You're able to just see more possibility.
00:37:42.320 --> 00:37:48.000
Like when I first started a gratitude practice, and it was at a really hard time in my life.
00:37:48.079 --> 00:37:52.800
I was in a dark place, and someone had said that carry start every day.
00:37:52.960 --> 00:37:57.360
Three things that you're grateful for in the morning, three things that you're grateful for in the evening.
00:37:57.760 --> 00:38:01.119
And it was hard to find those things.
00:38:01.760 --> 00:38:11.679
And yes, well, once I got into the habit of it, little things like, oh, I can see I love seeing my dog's ear poke through her kennel in the morning.
00:38:11.760 --> 00:38:16.559
She loves her kennel, she sleeps in her kennel, and I love oh, cute little ear poke through the kennel.
00:38:16.880 --> 00:38:18.880
Like it's the littlest thing.
00:38:19.119 --> 00:38:36.559
It's beautiful, and I love what you I love what you that you said that it releases endorphins, at least releases oxytocin, all these hormonal changes, whereas stress releases cortisol, which is a not a good thing physiologically.
00:38:36.719 --> 00:38:41.519
I mean, it affects us, our body, the mind-body connection.
00:38:41.760 --> 00:38:44.719
And I love that you said it takes the blinders off.
00:38:44.800 --> 00:38:46.639
That's a perfect way to say it.
00:38:46.880 --> 00:38:49.360
And I mean, you you couldn't have said it better.
00:38:49.599 --> 00:38:51.280
The research bears that out.
00:38:51.440 --> 00:38:54.960
Barbara Frederickson has this broaden and build theory.
00:38:55.199 --> 00:39:07.039
If we take a look at what's right, it broadens our perspective, it makes more possibilities uh readily seeable.
00:39:07.360 --> 00:39:20.000
We can it it makes more things possible, whereas being negative and choosing to fixate on the negative narrows our focus and closes us down.
00:39:20.400 --> 00:39:37.840
So that's that's that's a practice that I the other another one is really taking a look at priorities, and this is where meaning and purpose come in and values work that I like to do with my clients and I do with myself.
00:39:38.159 --> 00:39:39.519
You gotta practice what you preach, you know?
00:39:39.760 --> 00:39:45.840
And I actually downloaded your wheel of is it your the wheel of thriving, yeah.
00:39:46.559 --> 00:39:49.199
Thriving, the free tool, yes, yeah, uh-huh.
00:39:49.519 --> 00:39:55.760
Yeah, yeah, that's available to coaches, um, and uh um and to anybody really.
00:39:55.840 --> 00:39:57.519
I put it up on my website.
00:39:57.840 --> 00:40:07.199
And it it's and it's scientifically based, it's evidence-based, it's what the leading researchers and scholars are saying about how to thrive.
00:40:07.280 --> 00:40:10.159
And these are the elements that go into thriving.
00:40:10.800 --> 00:40:22.639
And um, and you know figuring out, you know, our our our reason for being, our meaning, the meaning and and the uh and purpose is important.
00:40:22.719 --> 00:40:27.199
Now it doesn't have to be a grand meaning, it doesn't mean you have to be Mother Teresa.
00:40:29.599 --> 00:40:44.960
Because I do think sometimes that that keeps people stuck because they're what overwhelmed, like I have yeah, and and that's you know, I mean, I I have the great good fortune to have grandchildren now at this point in my life.
00:40:45.199 --> 00:40:58.800
Um, and you mentioned uh a little bit ago, it's it's it's not what you say that makes any impact whatsoever whatsoever, it's how you make them feel.
00:40:59.199 --> 00:41:09.840
And when my grandkids come around, they I'm I'm I mean, I am very intentional about making sure they feel unconditionally loved.
00:41:11.199 --> 00:41:17.199
Um, and it's not about showering them with gifts and you know, and um it's not about that at all.
00:41:17.360 --> 00:41:31.039
It's pausing to really get down on their level and look at them face to face and hear what they're saying, because what they're saying is just as important to them as what you know my executive clients are saying.
00:41:31.280 --> 00:41:38.880
Um, and they feel they feel heard and um and they feel accepted and unconditionally loved.
00:41:39.119 --> 00:41:45.440
You know, it's um, you know uh it's so it's just it's so important.
00:41:45.519 --> 00:41:56.320
And so that's kind of become a big part of my meaning now and my purpose at this stage of my life, you know, and that's a small thing.
00:41:56.480 --> 00:42:25.760
You know, I I I is it Ralph Wald Emerson has that wonderful, um, that wonderful poem that says, you know, even to have left the world a better place through a garden patch, um, you know, uh uh a child, you know, who you know, who feels that they they were heard and loved unconditionally, no matter, you know, or some grand, you know, purpose.
00:42:26.079 --> 00:42:29.920
This is what it means to have lived a good life.
00:42:30.239 --> 00:42:49.519
And so pausing, another practice to answer your question, another practice is to pause every once in a while and think about, you know, rather than the to-do list and what you didn't get crossed off, but you know, how did I live today?
00:42:49.840 --> 00:42:53.440
Did I live in alignment with my values?
00:42:53.599 --> 00:42:56.400
What's important, what I state is important to me?
00:42:56.559 --> 00:43:09.760
I mean, a lot of people, when you do values work, they say, my family, you know, and then you work with and I work with these executives and they're working late hours and they're traveling two or three weeks out of the, you know, and you know, are you living your values?
00:43:09.840 --> 00:43:18.400
And are you living your, you know, are you living in accordance with and in alignment with what gives you meaning and what gives you purpose?
00:43:18.719 --> 00:43:38.320
And to to even go a step further, one thing that I've been trying to intentionally practice that's making me a better coach and just I would think a better human is how did I feel in conversation with someone and and how did they feel?
00:43:38.480 --> 00:43:45.360
Like what was the impact of the feeling of that interaction, that connection?
00:43:45.760 --> 00:43:46.400
Yes.
00:43:46.960 --> 00:43:48.159
That's the mark, Carrie.
00:43:48.320 --> 00:43:49.760
That's the mark of a great coach.
00:43:50.000 --> 00:43:58.079
I love that you mentioned that too, because that's so important, you know, as we as we think about, you know, becoming better coaches ourselves.
00:43:58.239 --> 00:44:12.000
Um, and and you know, you and I are both faculty and teaching coaching and helping our our our participants become even better coaches and and by extension better people.
00:44:12.400 --> 00:44:20.880
It's um uh it's about uh I forget what launched me into this.
00:44:20.960 --> 00:44:21.519
I'm sorry.
00:44:21.920 --> 00:44:23.199
Oh, that's okay.
00:44:25.360 --> 00:44:30.079
Um you said an important thing, and I wanted to underscore what you said.
00:44:30.239 --> 00:44:39.679
Yeah, I said about I was and I'm still this is a new concept for me, but it reminded me when you said when you know, reflect like, did I live according to my values?
00:44:39.920 --> 00:44:40.480
Oh, right.
00:44:40.880 --> 00:44:50.719
One of the things that I'm trying to do is did I live in a way today where my interactions cultivated good feeling?
00:44:51.039 --> 00:44:54.400
Yes, and that self-reflection is so important.
00:44:55.199 --> 00:45:05.440
That's also something good to do after a coaching session is kind of hold up a mirror and take a look at, you know, what worked here?
00:45:06.079 --> 00:45:08.559
What would it do differently?
00:45:08.719 --> 00:45:12.320
Um, and how did I feel during this?
00:45:12.480 --> 00:45:20.800
Did I feel that connection and reflect on the other person that our client or the other person we're in comp any conversation with?
00:45:21.039 --> 00:45:34.159
How might they have felt when and so that we can make kind of course corrections as we as we develop ourselves into coaching, into better, becoming better and better coaches.
00:45:34.320 --> 00:45:36.400
Where did I speak up where I shouldn't have?
00:45:36.559 --> 00:45:39.840
You know, where did I where could I have listened better?
00:45:40.079 --> 00:45:43.119
Um, it it can be really powerful.
00:45:43.440 --> 00:45:46.880
That self-awareness is so important.
00:45:48.559 --> 00:45:49.360
Beautiful.
00:45:49.679 --> 00:45:53.360
So, Laura, thank you for this conversation.
00:45:53.519 --> 00:46:00.880
One of my biggest takeaways from this conversation is that coaching isn't simply about asking better questions.
00:46:01.039 --> 00:46:06.000
We say it's less about the doing, it's more about the being, it's how you show up for another human being.
00:46:06.079 --> 00:46:14.239
It's how about creating that space where people feel seen, heard, understood, and safe enough to grow and be at choice.
00:46:14.559 --> 00:46:23.039
And so thank you for sharing your wisdom with us and for helping us launch coaching and thriving in in such a meaningful way.
00:46:23.599 --> 00:46:26.719
Well, thank you for inviting me to have this conversation.
00:46:26.800 --> 00:46:27.679
I enjoyed every minute.
00:46:27.840 --> 00:46:29.599
I'm like, I can't believe it's over.
00:46:31.119 --> 00:46:32.480
I did too.
