WEBVTT
1
00:00:01.280 --> 00:00:14.519
Blamed by TVD A fictional sci fi comedy podcast, Chapter
2
00:00:14.560 --> 00:00:37.399
eight Surprise Pregnancy, Stay Away Passengers. You're aboard the Love Trope,
3
00:00:37.840 --> 00:00:42.000
a romance podcast that promises buddy reads for everyone. I'm
4
00:00:42.039 --> 00:00:46.439
your host, Sharon Manovich. Sharon my knowledge about romance novels,
5
00:00:46.520 --> 00:00:52.359
so you can set a course for your next reading adventure. Okay, Bill,
6
00:01:01.759 --> 00:01:03.920
You know those times when you're forced to be part
7
00:01:03.960 --> 00:01:07.879
of a burgeoning civilization on a foreign planet with a
8
00:01:07.920 --> 00:01:12.480
different species, and you suspect a member of the warrior
9
00:01:12.599 --> 00:01:16.280
species had sexual relations with one of the goat like
10
00:01:16.439 --> 00:01:21.319
animal species on this planet. So you decide to inspect
11
00:01:21.400 --> 00:01:24.760
some of the attributes of the offspring of this goat
12
00:01:24.840 --> 00:01:27.560
like animal, you know, to see if they resemble one
13
00:01:27.560 --> 00:01:31.239
of the warrior species. But then the animal suddenly thinks
14
00:01:31.280 --> 00:01:36.799
you're their best friend and won't stop following you around. Well,
15
00:01:37.519 --> 00:01:40.840
if you hear any weird bleeding or barking or snoring,
16
00:01:41.480 --> 00:01:44.079
please know it is one of the alien space gooat
17
00:01:44.079 --> 00:01:49.280
babies suddenly turning my life upside down right now. Yes,
18
00:01:49.480 --> 00:01:51.920
I was trying to see if the alien spacegoat or
19
00:01:51.959 --> 00:01:54.760
one of her siblings had any physical resemblance to any
20
00:01:54.840 --> 00:02:00.000
of the decipraxins. But Bill Arena here mistook my anthropoce
21
00:02:00.159 --> 00:02:06.840
logical observatory maneuver as a symbol of friendship. That is right.
22
00:02:07.040 --> 00:02:10.360
I named her Billerina. I had to give her a
23
00:02:10.439 --> 00:02:13.039
name once I resigned myself to the fact that she
24
00:02:13.120 --> 00:02:17.280
will never stop following me around. I want to help
25
00:02:17.319 --> 00:02:20.159
her differentiate the times when I'm talking to myself and
26
00:02:20.280 --> 00:02:26.199
talking to her and she looks like a Billerina at
27
00:02:26.280 --> 00:02:29.919
least I think it's as she she peas like a
28
00:02:29.960 --> 00:02:34.280
girl dog, and like the way her majestic baby horse
29
00:02:34.360 --> 00:02:38.240
eyes stare back at me, it just seems feminine. And
30
00:02:38.280 --> 00:02:39.919
she also has like a cute little wet nose and
31
00:02:40.080 --> 00:02:50.599
kumire you ow fuck sorry. One of her horns almost
32
00:02:50.680 --> 00:02:54.360
poked my eyeball out. Damn. Those things can do a
33
00:02:54.400 --> 00:02:59.960
lot of damage. But that is actually a good segue
34
00:03:00.199 --> 00:03:05.000
into today's topic, little things that can alter the course
35
00:03:05.080 --> 00:03:09.879
of a character's life. I'm talking babies and soon to
36
00:03:09.960 --> 00:03:14.400
be babies. Yes, today we are talking about the romance
37
00:03:14.439 --> 00:03:22.680
novel trope known as surprise pregnancy. For me, surprise pregnancy
38
00:03:22.840 --> 00:03:28.680
is basically the ASMR of romance novel tropes because you're
39
00:03:28.719 --> 00:03:32.599
basically reading about people in a messy situation having to
40
00:03:32.599 --> 00:03:36.280
get their shit together, when you, in real life don't
41
00:03:36.280 --> 00:03:39.080
have to do any of that. So it's really relaxing
42
00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:43.400
to have zero responsibility, similar to watching an ASMR video,
43
00:03:44.439 --> 00:03:48.319
I could just live in someone's surprise pregnancy story and
44
00:03:48.400 --> 00:03:52.319
be just fine. In fact, I wish I were in
45
00:03:52.360 --> 00:03:56.479
someone's surprise pregnancy story right now, because with Bill Arena
46
00:03:56.560 --> 00:03:59.280
glued to my side all the time and the survivors
47
00:03:59.319 --> 00:04:02.680
here on New Deciprax freaking out, life is getting to
48
00:04:02.719 --> 00:04:06.639
be like a little too much. In fact, right now,
49
00:04:06.759 --> 00:04:10.000
I wish I could be transported to the novella Reality Check,
50
00:04:10.240 --> 00:04:14.599
a contemporary romance in its every aspect of Live's life
51
00:04:14.719 --> 00:04:18.279
falls apart in one day, capping it off with realization
52
00:04:18.519 --> 00:04:21.879
that she is pregnant. Now, what is nice about this
53
00:04:21.920 --> 00:04:25.040
book is that Live tells her love interest Ian this
54
00:04:25.240 --> 00:04:29.920
uncomfortable truth she is having his baby. It uproots everything
55
00:04:30.120 --> 00:04:32.959
in both of their lives, but their love and their
56
00:04:33.040 --> 00:04:37.279
life and their bodies come together in the end. It's
57
00:04:37.439 --> 00:04:41.639
so unlike the real world when you tell someone something like,
58
00:04:41.959 --> 00:04:45.399
you know, a small discovery you found that was buried
59
00:04:45.800 --> 00:04:50.279
Let's say, thinking, oh no, this won't uproot anything. But
60
00:04:50.399 --> 00:04:54.560
then it goes the opposite way and results in widespread
61
00:04:54.639 --> 00:04:59.600
panic on your newly colonized planet of New Desiprax. I
62
00:05:01.000 --> 00:05:05.360
that I could just say words and not have it
63
00:05:05.439 --> 00:05:10.600
caused me any trouble. Look, I know last year I
64
00:05:10.639 --> 00:05:13.399
had a complete nervous breakdown about lying that I was
65
00:05:13.439 --> 00:05:17.959
building this rescue signal. But now, when I'm more forthcoming,
66
00:05:18.279 --> 00:05:22.399
everyone else is having a nervous breakdown, like I should
67
00:05:22.439 --> 00:05:24.759
have kept my mouth shut, or bill A Rena, you
68
00:05:24.759 --> 00:05:28.680
should have kept your hooves to yourself. But you really
69
00:05:28.759 --> 00:05:31.879
enjoy digging things up, don't you. You really enjoy digging
70
00:05:31.920 --> 00:05:39.560
things up. So here on New Decipracs there are artifacts
71
00:05:39.600 --> 00:05:43.480
from the previous civilization buried here and there, and it's
72
00:05:43.480 --> 00:05:46.759
mostly like boring things you keep in your kitchen junk drawer,
73
00:05:46.879 --> 00:05:51.519
you know, like random tools and coins and broken jewelry.
74
00:05:52.480 --> 00:05:55.519
But the other day bill Rena was digging stuff up
75
00:05:55.839 --> 00:05:59.800
under the water platform, and I see that she dug
76
00:05:59.879 --> 00:06:04.279
up the stone tablet with writing on it. Frankly, I
77
00:06:04.319 --> 00:06:06.920
was hoping maybe it was directions to a target that's
78
00:06:07.040 --> 00:06:10.839
nearby that somehow all of us just missed. So I
79
00:06:10.920 --> 00:06:13.399
decided to take the slab to Blem to see if
80
00:06:13.439 --> 00:06:15.759
he can translate what it says, because he's had like
81
00:06:16.040 --> 00:06:21.160
twelve different translators involuntarily jammed inside of him. But when
82
00:06:21.160 --> 00:06:24.240
he reads it, his eyes widen and he says some
83
00:06:24.439 --> 00:06:27.879
phrase in the deciprasan language that does not translate to
84
00:06:27.959 --> 00:06:31.600
Earth English. I thought maybe Blum was reading a naughty joke,
85
00:06:31.639 --> 00:06:33.839
and like, what if the stone had like a smutty
86
00:06:33.879 --> 00:06:37.920
story chiseled into it. But no, it was just a
87
00:06:38.120 --> 00:06:41.120
dumb warning that the planet we're trying to survive on
88
00:06:41.279 --> 00:06:46.839
right now is doomed to be destroyed. Lame. The tablet
89
00:06:47.279 --> 00:06:53.040
recounts the remaining years of the previous civilization on this planet.
90
00:06:53.800 --> 00:06:59.560
It details that this demon suddenly appeared out of nowhere
91
00:07:00.079 --> 00:07:04.160
and gained its strength from the magical bilithial particles that
92
00:07:04.240 --> 00:07:09.040
make up this planet's atmosphere. The demon then enslaved every
93
00:07:09.120 --> 00:07:14.959
living being into its zombie army, where it incinerated everything,
94
00:07:15.680 --> 00:07:19.959
including themselves, after there was nothing left on the planet
95
00:07:20.040 --> 00:07:26.199
for them to burn. So Blem is panicking, which is ridiculous.
96
00:07:26.480 --> 00:07:30.240
He was like, the word architect is transmitting that danger
97
00:07:30.279 --> 00:07:36.480
will reconceptualize, and I'm like, are you serious? We have
98
00:07:36.759 --> 00:07:41.240
no evidence that indicates this tablet is an actual historic
99
00:07:41.399 --> 00:07:45.279
account of what happened where a demon just came out
100
00:07:45.279 --> 00:07:49.959
of nowhere. This tablet could be like you know, fan
101
00:07:50.120 --> 00:07:54.839
fiction or a bible. Maybe the demon is metaphorical for
102
00:07:54.959 --> 00:07:57.399
like a normal disaster that you know we won't do
103
00:07:57.480 --> 00:08:02.879
anything about, like climate change. But Blam starts panicking even
104
00:08:03.000 --> 00:08:07.199
more because the tablet only has these really vague details
105
00:08:07.399 --> 00:08:11.519
on how to destroy this demon. It said something like, oh,
106
00:08:11.519 --> 00:08:15.600
you must conjure a conflagration from within by making its
107
00:08:15.759 --> 00:08:23.639
vital fluid containers dilate, which what what does that even mean?
108
00:08:24.360 --> 00:08:27.920
But Blam is already ready to tell Prince Techo that like, oh,
109
00:08:27.959 --> 00:08:31.879
we need to prioritize a dilation initiative of these fluid containers.
110
00:08:31.920 --> 00:08:36.000
And it's like, what is anyone talking about? This isn't
111
00:08:36.320 --> 00:08:40.879
we don't even know if this is real? Okay, okay,
112
00:08:41.519 --> 00:08:44.879
Let's say there was a civilization being wiped out by
113
00:08:44.919 --> 00:08:49.879
a demon centuries before all of us landed. What person
114
00:08:50.080 --> 00:08:53.519
would be like, you know what, I'll use the knowledge
115
00:08:53.559 --> 00:08:57.000
that I have on how to kill the demon, not
116
00:08:57.080 --> 00:09:00.720
to actually kill it, but to just arduously chisel the
117
00:09:00.840 --> 00:09:05.240
directions into a stone slab, which I'll then bury like
118
00:09:05.720 --> 00:09:10.559
that makes no sense. If anything, this could be a
119
00:09:10.600 --> 00:09:14.799
prank from the previous civilization, and you know what, that's
120
00:09:14.840 --> 00:09:18.120
a pretty good prank. Leave a fake historical account of
121
00:09:18.159 --> 00:09:22.159
some magical disaster and just really confuse the new residence
122
00:09:22.159 --> 00:09:26.759
as to what planet they're on. Oh my god, what
123
00:09:26.840 --> 00:09:31.240
if dinosaurs are a prank? What if this whole time
124
00:09:31.519 --> 00:09:34.440
it was actually like a bunch of Neanderthals on Earth
125
00:09:34.720 --> 00:09:37.279
who like knew an ice age was coming, and they
126
00:09:37.279 --> 00:09:40.039
were like, you know, it would be funny. Let's make
127
00:09:40.120 --> 00:09:43.440
fake bones of these giant animals and bury them, and
128
00:09:43.480 --> 00:09:46.200
then when the next civilization digs them up, they'll be like,
129
00:09:46.240 --> 00:09:48.320
what the fuck was on this planet before us? And
130
00:09:48.360 --> 00:09:52.159
then they'll just like develop a whole prehistory that everyone
131
00:09:52.320 --> 00:09:59.600
just like believes. Mostly well, I guess the dinosaurs have
132
00:09:59.679 --> 00:10:03.000
followed me here too, because now new deciprats is just
133
00:10:03.039 --> 00:10:08.519
blindly believing everything they see without analyzing the evidence. Right now,
134
00:10:08.639 --> 00:10:12.000
Prince Techo and all of the strongest people here are
135
00:10:12.000 --> 00:10:16.440
preparing for like this King Arthur's style quest where they're gonna,
136
00:10:16.600 --> 00:10:21.399
you know, go out and find this demon and dilate
137
00:10:21.559 --> 00:10:27.240
its vital fluid. Containers. Also, everyone is saying dilate vital
138
00:10:27.279 --> 00:10:29.759
fluid containers as if they all know what they are
139
00:10:29.840 --> 00:10:33.159
talking about, Like what? And do you know What's even
140
00:10:33.200 --> 00:10:36.759
more insane? Everyone is panicked and worried except for me.
141
00:10:38.000 --> 00:10:41.960
What crazy reality are we in right now? Where I
142
00:10:42.000 --> 00:10:46.200
am the cool one who isn't panicking like I thought
143
00:10:46.360 --> 00:10:49.720
I was sharing the startled Uh do you see me
144
00:10:49.799 --> 00:10:53.240
startling people? No? Maybe take that as a sign that
145
00:10:53.320 --> 00:10:56.879
we're fine. And besides all of the survivors here who
146
00:10:56.879 --> 00:11:00.360
are just like panicking. We now have people like walking
147
00:11:00.440 --> 00:11:03.799
around with their chests puffed out, pretending to be like
148
00:11:03.879 --> 00:11:07.519
the Spartan warriors from the three hundred, preparing to slaughter
149
00:11:07.600 --> 00:11:12.639
this demon or dilate its containers or whatever. Guess who?
150
00:11:12.879 --> 00:11:20.720
That includes Earth astronaut Brett Reyes, which yes, I do
151
00:11:20.759 --> 00:11:24.120
hate him, and in an ideal world if he left,
152
00:11:24.360 --> 00:11:28.080
I would be happy. But in this instance, if he
153
00:11:28.200 --> 00:11:31.639
leaves for this quest, I go back to being the
154
00:11:31.679 --> 00:11:36.120
worst survivor, just as I was really enjoying the status
155
00:11:36.279 --> 00:11:40.720
that comes with being the second worst survivor, and lord
156
00:11:40.759 --> 00:11:42.679
does I'm not going to go on a fucking quest
157
00:11:42.720 --> 00:11:47.399
with them, So I look mildly cooler than one other person. Honestly,
158
00:11:48.399 --> 00:11:50.720
it's been so much fun talking shit about him with
159
00:11:50.840 --> 00:11:53.159
blem and some of the other people who can stand
160
00:11:53.200 --> 00:11:56.240
me at times, you know, like Reese and Jesse and
161
00:11:57.039 --> 00:12:02.159
shilhim the Determined, you know when her universal translator isn't malfunctioning.
162
00:12:04.759 --> 00:12:08.840
Rayus is so terrible. The boy has he been a
163
00:12:09.200 --> 00:12:13.919
fascinating character study. Like right now, we all think that
164
00:12:14.039 --> 00:12:17.639
he is jealous that the decipraxims have magic jizz and
165
00:12:17.720 --> 00:12:22.720
he doesn't. Here's how we know. For the last two weeks,
166
00:12:22.879 --> 00:12:26.200
Riyus has gotten really into brewing his own beer, and
167
00:12:26.279 --> 00:12:30.000
he's just been obsessed with this quote unquote home brewing
168
00:12:30.120 --> 00:12:33.200
lab he put together in the remains of his spaceship.
169
00:12:33.919 --> 00:12:36.639
The only thing he talks about is his home brewing
170
00:12:36.759 --> 00:12:40.159
setup and how he concocted a strain of yeast that
171
00:12:40.200 --> 00:12:44.720
can make for passable beer. He did not concoct shit.
172
00:12:45.399 --> 00:12:48.960
He came upon this yeast. So for the longest time,
173
00:12:49.159 --> 00:12:52.519
Riyus was tossing his dirty clothes outside his tent because
174
00:12:52.519 --> 00:12:55.360
he assumed that there was someone around just like washing
175
00:12:55.399 --> 00:12:58.399
his clothes for him. So for months his clothes were
176
00:12:58.440 --> 00:13:02.159
getting endlessly drizzled on which caused a fungus to grow
177
00:13:02.279 --> 00:13:05.759
on his wet laundry. So once rey has discovered that,
178
00:13:05.840 --> 00:13:09.440
oh there is no fluff and fold here, he saw
179
00:13:09.480 --> 00:13:14.159
that his outdoor hamper incubated a strain of yeast, and
180
00:13:14.200 --> 00:13:17.279
that is what he has been using to ferment his beer.
181
00:13:18.240 --> 00:13:21.919
The guy has been brewing IPA's instead of doing his
182
00:13:22.000 --> 00:13:27.399
fucking laundry. And now he's walking around and like giving
183
00:13:27.440 --> 00:13:30.519
us all makeshift vessels of beer, saying, hey, it's time
184
00:13:30.559 --> 00:13:33.399
we ingest something more fun than laying fruits and vegetables.
185
00:13:33.399 --> 00:13:41.200
Am I right? I mean the journey that Reyes took
186
00:13:41.320 --> 00:13:45.799
from being grossed out by the alien jes vegetables to
187
00:13:46.080 --> 00:13:52.240
being jealous that his jis can't make vegetables. It is
188
00:13:52.559 --> 00:13:59.279
more compelling than the downfall of Walter White on Breaking Bad.
189
00:14:00.159 --> 00:14:06.519
It is so petulant and so immature and so incredibly entertaining.
190
00:14:07.320 --> 00:14:09.919
But now Reyes just has to go off and prove
191
00:14:09.960 --> 00:14:12.480
how tough he is by going on this quest, and
192
00:14:12.519 --> 00:14:14.679
now I am back to being the worst person in
193
00:14:14.720 --> 00:14:17.759
the group, and that fucking sucks. So I guess this
194
00:14:17.840 --> 00:14:19.600
is all to say. If I were ever in a
195
00:14:19.639 --> 00:14:22.519
surprise pregnancy romance and telling the truth would ruin my
196
00:14:22.600 --> 00:14:26.480
ability to tell juicy gossip. I would rather say nothing
197
00:14:26.720 --> 00:14:29.879
and just keep the baby inside my womb forever, and
198
00:14:29.919 --> 00:14:32.200
I'll just say I swallowed a watermelon seed, and I'll
199
00:14:32.240 --> 00:14:34.600
be like, oh, I'm confirming the rumors a watermelon can
200
00:14:34.639 --> 00:14:37.120
grow in your stomach, because you know what, that is
201
00:14:37.120 --> 00:14:40.919
how real people deal with real life in real life problems.
202
00:14:41.000 --> 00:14:53.240
And the Lorena mouth, well, something crazy just happened. Reyes
203
00:14:53.440 --> 00:14:55.799
walked in because he had all of this extra beer
204
00:14:56.120 --> 00:15:01.600
and BEI Lorena just charged at him horns first, and
205
00:15:02.879 --> 00:15:05.320
he fell over backwards and rolled his ankle, and now
206
00:15:05.360 --> 00:15:09.240
he is like super injured. So he is not going
207
00:15:09.279 --> 00:15:14.080
on the quest. He's staying, which means I'll stay the
208
00:15:14.120 --> 00:15:19.919
second worst survivor here. It is basically the new Deciprax
209
00:15:19.960 --> 00:15:23.360
equivalent of me winning a People's Choice award for having
210
00:15:23.440 --> 00:15:27.440
the coolest personality. Good work, good Arena, You're such a
211
00:15:27.559 --> 00:15:31.759
good gruel. Mm hmm. This has been Sharon Manovich. Sharon,
212
00:15:31.799 --> 00:15:36.840
my knowledge about romance novels done voyage and I will
213
00:15:36.840 --> 00:15:42.720
see you next time I board. The love Trope claim
214
00:15:42.759 --> 00:15:45.600
by TVD is a presentation of Too Stupid to Live,
215
00:15:45.919 --> 00:15:49.039
a podcast that reviews romance novels five dollars in under.
216
00:15:49.480 --> 00:15:52.759
This episode is written, performed by Becky Feldman, music by
217
00:15:52.879 --> 00:15:56.960
Victor Natus and Codebox. Claimed by TVD is a work
218
00:15:56.960 --> 00:16:00.639
of fiction. Any similarities to actual persons living or dead
219
00:16:00.759 --> 00:16:04.960
is purely coincidental and would be pretty incredible. Thank you
220
00:16:05.000 --> 00:16:07.159
for listening and subscribing. Bye,
1
00:00:01.280 --> 00:00:14.519
Blamed by TVD A fictional sci fi comedy podcast, Chapter
2
00:00:14.560 --> 00:00:37.399
eight Surprise Pregnancy, Stay Away Passengers. You're aboard the Love Trope,
3
00:00:37.840 --> 00:00:42.000
a romance podcast that promises buddy reads for everyone. I'm
4
00:00:42.039 --> 00:00:46.439
your host, Sharon Manovich. Sharon my knowledge about romance novels,
5
00:00:46.520 --> 00:00:52.359
so you can set a course for your next reading adventure. Okay, Bill,
6
00:01:01.759 --> 00:01:03.920
You know those times when you're forced to be part
7
00:01:03.960 --> 00:01:07.879
of a burgeoning civilization on a foreign planet with a
8
00:01:07.920 --> 00:01:12.480
different species, and you suspect a member of the warrior
9
00:01:12.599 --> 00:01:16.280
species had sexual relations with one of the goat like
10
00:01:16.439 --> 00:01:21.319
animal species on this planet. So you decide to inspect
11
00:01:21.400 --> 00:01:24.760
some of the attributes of the offspring of this goat
12
00:01:24.840 --> 00:01:27.560
like animal, you know, to see if they resemble one
13
00:01:27.560 --> 00:01:31.239
of the warrior species. But then the animal suddenly thinks
14
00:01:31.280 --> 00:01:36.799
you're their best friend and won't stop following you around. Well,
15
00:01:37.519 --> 00:01:40.840
if you hear any weird bleeding or barking or snoring,
16
00:01:41.480 --> 00:01:44.079
please know it is one of the alien space gooat
17
00:01:44.079 --> 00:01:49.280
babies suddenly turning my life upside down right now. Yes,
18
00:01:49.480 --> 00:01:51.920
I was trying to see if the alien spacegoat or
19
00:01:51.959 --> 00:01:54.760
one of her siblings had any physical resemblance to any
20
00:01:54.840 --> 00:02:00.000
of the decipraxins. But Bill Arena here mistook my anthropoce
21
00:02:00.159 --> 00:02:06.840
logical observatory maneuver as a symbol of friendship. That is right.
22
00:02:07.040 --> 00:02:10.360
I named her Billerina. I had to give her a
23
00:02:10.439 --> 00:02:13.039
name once I resigned myself to the fact that she
24
00:02:13.120 --> 00:02:17.280
will never stop following me around. I want to help
25
00:02:17.319 --> 00:02:20.159
her differentiate the times when I'm talking to myself and
26
00:02:20.280 --> 00:02:26.199
talking to her and she looks like a Billerina at
27
00:02:26.280 --> 00:02:29.919
least I think it's as she she peas like a
28
00:02:29.960 --> 00:02:34.280
girl dog, and like the way her majestic baby horse
29
00:02:34.360 --> 00:02:38.240
eyes stare back at me, it just seems feminine. And
30
00:02:38.280 --> 00:02:39.919
she also has like a cute little wet nose and
31
00:02:40.080 --> 00:02:50.599
kumire you ow fuck sorry. One of her horns almost
32
00:02:50.680 --> 00:02:54.360
poked my eyeball out. Damn. Those things can do a
33
00:02:54.400 --> 00:02:59.960
lot of damage. But that is actually a good segue
34
00:03:00.199 --> 00:03:05.000
into today's topic, little things that can alter the course
35
00:03:05.080 --> 00:03:09.879
of a character's life. I'm talking babies and soon to
36
00:03:09.960 --> 00:03:14.400
be babies. Yes, today we are talking about the romance
37
00:03:14.439 --> 00:03:22.680
novel trope known as surprise pregnancy. For me, surprise pregnancy
38
00:03:22.840 --> 00:03:28.680
is basically the ASMR of romance novel tropes because you're
39
00:03:28.719 --> 00:03:32.599
basically reading about people in a messy situation having to
40
00:03:32.599 --> 00:03:36.280
get their shit together, when you, in real life don't
41
00:03:36.280 --> 00:03:39.080
have to do any of that. So it's really relaxing
42
00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:43.400
to have zero responsibility, similar to watching an ASMR video,
43
00:03:44.439 --> 00:03:48.319
I could just live in someone's surprise pregnancy story and
44
00:03:48.400 --> 00:03:52.319
be just fine. In fact, I wish I were in
45
00:03:52.360 --> 00:03:56.479
someone's surprise pregnancy story right now, because with Bill Arena
46
00:03:56.560 --> 00:03:59.280
glued to my side all the time and the survivors
47
00:03:59.319 --> 00:04:02.680
here on New Deciprax freaking out, life is getting to
48
00:04:02.719 --> 00:04:06.639
be like a little too much. In fact, right now,
49
00:04:06.759 --> 00:04:10.000
I wish I could be transported to the novella Reality Check,
50
00:04:10.240 --> 00:04:14.599
a contemporary romance in its every aspect of Live's life
51
00:04:14.719 --> 00:04:18.279
falls apart in one day, capping it off with realization
52
00:04:18.519 --> 00:04:21.879
that she is pregnant. Now, what is nice about this
53
00:04:21.920 --> 00:04:25.040
book is that Live tells her love interest Ian this
54
00:04:25.240 --> 00:04:29.920
uncomfortable truth she is having his baby. It uproots everything
55
00:04:30.120 --> 00:04:32.959
in both of their lives, but their love and their
56
00:04:33.040 --> 00:04:37.279
life and their bodies come together in the end. It's
57
00:04:37.439 --> 00:04:41.639
so unlike the real world when you tell someone something like,
58
00:04:41.959 --> 00:04:45.399
you know, a small discovery you found that was buried
59
00:04:45.800 --> 00:04:50.279
Let's say, thinking, oh no, this won't uproot anything. But
60
00:04:50.399 --> 00:04:54.560
then it goes the opposite way and results in widespread
61
00:04:54.639 --> 00:04:59.600
panic on your newly colonized planet of New Desiprax. I
62
00:05:01.000 --> 00:05:05.360
that I could just say words and not have it
63
00:05:05.439 --> 00:05:10.600
caused me any trouble. Look, I know last year I
64
00:05:10.639 --> 00:05:13.399
had a complete nervous breakdown about lying that I was
65
00:05:13.439 --> 00:05:17.959
building this rescue signal. But now, when I'm more forthcoming,
66
00:05:18.279 --> 00:05:22.399
everyone else is having a nervous breakdown, like I should
67
00:05:22.439 --> 00:05:24.759
have kept my mouth shut, or bill A Rena, you
68
00:05:24.759 --> 00:05:28.680
should have kept your hooves to yourself. But you really
69
00:05:28.759 --> 00:05:31.879
enjoy digging things up, don't you. You really enjoy digging
70
00:05:31.920 --> 00:05:39.560
things up. So here on New Decipracs there are artifacts
71
00:05:39.600 --> 00:05:43.480
from the previous civilization buried here and there, and it's
72
00:05:43.480 --> 00:05:46.759
mostly like boring things you keep in your kitchen junk drawer,
73
00:05:46.879 --> 00:05:51.519
you know, like random tools and coins and broken jewelry.
74
00:05:52.480 --> 00:05:55.519
But the other day bill Rena was digging stuff up
75
00:05:55.839 --> 00:05:59.800
under the water platform, and I see that she dug
76
00:05:59.879 --> 00:06:04.279
up the stone tablet with writing on it. Frankly, I
77
00:06:04.319 --> 00:06:06.920
was hoping maybe it was directions to a target that's
78
00:06:07.040 --> 00:06:10.839
nearby that somehow all of us just missed. So I
79
00:06:10.920 --> 00:06:13.399
decided to take the slab to Blem to see if
80
00:06:13.439 --> 00:06:15.759
he can translate what it says, because he's had like
81
00:06:16.040 --> 00:06:21.160
twelve different translators involuntarily jammed inside of him. But when
82
00:06:21.160 --> 00:06:24.240
he reads it, his eyes widen and he says some
83
00:06:24.439 --> 00:06:27.879
phrase in the deciprasan language that does not translate to
84
00:06:27.959 --> 00:06:31.600
Earth English. I thought maybe Blum was reading a naughty joke,
85
00:06:31.639 --> 00:06:33.839
and like, what if the stone had like a smutty
86
00:06:33.879 --> 00:06:37.920
story chiseled into it. But no, it was just a
87
00:06:38.120 --> 00:06:41.120
dumb warning that the planet we're trying to survive on
88
00:06:41.279 --> 00:06:46.839
right now is doomed to be destroyed. Lame. The tablet
89
00:06:47.279 --> 00:06:53.040
recounts the remaining years of the previous civilization on this planet.
90
00:06:53.800 --> 00:06:59.560
It details that this demon suddenly appeared out of nowhere
91
00:07:00.079 --> 00:07:04.160
and gained its strength from the magical bilithial particles that
92
00:07:04.240 --> 00:07:09.040
make up this planet's atmosphere. The demon then enslaved every
93
00:07:09.120 --> 00:07:14.959
living being into its zombie army, where it incinerated everything,
94
00:07:15.680 --> 00:07:19.959
including themselves, after there was nothing left on the planet
95
00:07:20.040 --> 00:07:26.199
for them to burn. So Blem is panicking, which is ridiculous.
96
00:07:26.480 --> 00:07:30.240
He was like, the word architect is transmitting that danger
97
00:07:30.279 --> 00:07:36.480
will reconceptualize, and I'm like, are you serious? We have
98
00:07:36.759 --> 00:07:41.240
no evidence that indicates this tablet is an actual historic
99
00:07:41.399 --> 00:07:45.279
account of what happened where a demon just came out
100
00:07:45.279 --> 00:07:49.959
of nowhere. This tablet could be like you know, fan
101
00:07:50.120 --> 00:07:54.839
fiction or a bible. Maybe the demon is metaphorical for
102
00:07:54.959 --> 00:07:57.399
like a normal disaster that you know we won't do
103
00:07:57.480 --> 00:08:02.879
anything about, like climate change. But Blam starts panicking even
104
00:08:03.000 --> 00:08:07.199
more because the tablet only has these really vague details
105
00:08:07.399 --> 00:08:11.519
on how to destroy this demon. It said something like, oh,
106
00:08:11.519 --> 00:08:15.600
you must conjure a conflagration from within by making its
107
00:08:15.759 --> 00:08:23.639
vital fluid containers dilate, which what what does that even mean?
108
00:08:24.360 --> 00:08:27.920
But Blam is already ready to tell Prince Techo that like, oh,
109
00:08:27.959 --> 00:08:31.879
we need to prioritize a dilation initiative of these fluid containers.
110
00:08:31.920 --> 00:08:36.000
And it's like, what is anyone talking about? This isn't
111
00:08:36.320 --> 00:08:40.879
we don't even know if this is real? Okay, okay,
112
00:08:41.519 --> 00:08:44.879
Let's say there was a civilization being wiped out by
113
00:08:44.919 --> 00:08:49.879
a demon centuries before all of us landed. What person
114
00:08:50.080 --> 00:08:53.519
would be like, you know what, I'll use the knowledge
115
00:08:53.559 --> 00:08:57.000
that I have on how to kill the demon, not
116
00:08:57.080 --> 00:09:00.720
to actually kill it, but to just arduously chisel the
117
00:09:00.840 --> 00:09:05.240
directions into a stone slab, which I'll then bury like
118
00:09:05.720 --> 00:09:10.559
that makes no sense. If anything, this could be a
119
00:09:10.600 --> 00:09:14.799
prank from the previous civilization, and you know what, that's
120
00:09:14.840 --> 00:09:18.120
a pretty good prank. Leave a fake historical account of
121
00:09:18.159 --> 00:09:22.159
some magical disaster and just really confuse the new residence
122
00:09:22.159 --> 00:09:26.759
as to what planet they're on. Oh my god, what
123
00:09:26.840 --> 00:09:31.240
if dinosaurs are a prank? What if this whole time
124
00:09:31.519 --> 00:09:34.440
it was actually like a bunch of Neanderthals on Earth
125
00:09:34.720 --> 00:09:37.279
who like knew an ice age was coming, and they
126
00:09:37.279 --> 00:09:40.039
were like, you know, it would be funny. Let's make
127
00:09:40.120 --> 00:09:43.440
fake bones of these giant animals and bury them, and
128
00:09:43.480 --> 00:09:46.200
then when the next civilization digs them up, they'll be like,
129
00:09:46.240 --> 00:09:48.320
what the fuck was on this planet before us? And
130
00:09:48.360 --> 00:09:52.159
then they'll just like develop a whole prehistory that everyone
131
00:09:52.320 --> 00:09:59.600
just like believes. Mostly well, I guess the dinosaurs have
132
00:09:59.679 --> 00:10:03.000
followed me here too, because now new deciprats is just
133
00:10:03.039 --> 00:10:08.519
blindly believing everything they see without analyzing the evidence. Right now,
134
00:10:08.639 --> 00:10:12.000
Prince Techo and all of the strongest people here are
135
00:10:12.000 --> 00:10:16.440
preparing for like this King Arthur's style quest where they're gonna,
136
00:10:16.600 --> 00:10:21.399
you know, go out and find this demon and dilate
137
00:10:21.559 --> 00:10:27.240
its vital fluid. Containers. Also, everyone is saying dilate vital
138
00:10:27.279 --> 00:10:29.759
fluid containers as if they all know what they are
139
00:10:29.840 --> 00:10:33.159
talking about, Like what? And do you know What's even
140
00:10:33.200 --> 00:10:36.759
more insane? Everyone is panicked and worried except for me.
141
00:10:38.000 --> 00:10:41.960
What crazy reality are we in right now? Where I
142
00:10:42.000 --> 00:10:46.200
am the cool one who isn't panicking like I thought
143
00:10:46.360 --> 00:10:49.720
I was sharing the startled Uh do you see me
144
00:10:49.799 --> 00:10:53.240
startling people? No? Maybe take that as a sign that
145
00:10:53.320 --> 00:10:56.879
we're fine. And besides all of the survivors here who
146
00:10:56.879 --> 00:11:00.360
are just like panicking. We now have people like walking
147
00:11:00.440 --> 00:11:03.799
around with their chests puffed out, pretending to be like
148
00:11:03.879 --> 00:11:07.519
the Spartan warriors from the three hundred, preparing to slaughter
149
00:11:07.600 --> 00:11:12.639
this demon or dilate its containers or whatever. Guess who?
150
00:11:12.879 --> 00:11:20.720
That includes Earth astronaut Brett Reyes, which yes, I do
151
00:11:20.759 --> 00:11:24.120
hate him, and in an ideal world if he left,
152
00:11:24.360 --> 00:11:28.080
I would be happy. But in this instance, if he
153
00:11:28.200 --> 00:11:31.639
leaves for this quest, I go back to being the
154
00:11:31.679 --> 00:11:36.120
worst survivor, just as I was really enjoying the status
155
00:11:36.279 --> 00:11:40.720
that comes with being the second worst survivor, and lord
156
00:11:40.759 --> 00:11:42.679
does I'm not going to go on a fucking quest
157
00:11:42.720 --> 00:11:47.399
with them, So I look mildly cooler than one other person. Honestly,
158
00:11:48.399 --> 00:11:50.720
it's been so much fun talking shit about him with
159
00:11:50.840 --> 00:11:53.159
blem and some of the other people who can stand
160
00:11:53.200 --> 00:11:56.240
me at times, you know, like Reese and Jesse and
161
00:11:57.039 --> 00:12:02.159
shilhim the Determined, you know when her universal translator isn't malfunctioning.
162
00:12:04.759 --> 00:12:08.840
Rayus is so terrible. The boy has he been a
163
00:12:09.200 --> 00:12:13.919
fascinating character study. Like right now, we all think that
164
00:12:14.039 --> 00:12:17.639
he is jealous that the decipraxims have magic jizz and
165
00:12:17.720 --> 00:12:22.720
he doesn't. Here's how we know. For the last two weeks,
166
00:12:22.879 --> 00:12:26.200
Riyus has gotten really into brewing his own beer, and
167
00:12:26.279 --> 00:12:30.000
he's just been obsessed with this quote unquote home brewing
168
00:12:30.120 --> 00:12:33.200
lab he put together in the remains of his spaceship.
169
00:12:33.919 --> 00:12:36.639
The only thing he talks about is his home brewing
170
00:12:36.759 --> 00:12:40.159
setup and how he concocted a strain of yeast that
171
00:12:40.200 --> 00:12:44.720
can make for passable beer. He did not concoct shit.
172
00:12:45.399 --> 00:12:48.960
He came upon this yeast. So for the longest time,
173
00:12:49.159 --> 00:12:52.519
Riyus was tossing his dirty clothes outside his tent because
174
00:12:52.519 --> 00:12:55.360
he assumed that there was someone around just like washing
175
00:12:55.399 --> 00:12:58.399
his clothes for him. So for months his clothes were
176
00:12:58.440 --> 00:13:02.159
getting endlessly drizzled on which caused a fungus to grow
177
00:13:02.279 --> 00:13:05.759
on his wet laundry. So once rey has discovered that,
178
00:13:05.840 --> 00:13:09.440
oh there is no fluff and fold here, he saw
179
00:13:09.480 --> 00:13:14.159
that his outdoor hamper incubated a strain of yeast, and
180
00:13:14.200 --> 00:13:17.279
that is what he has been using to ferment his beer.
181
00:13:18.240 --> 00:13:21.919
The guy has been brewing IPA's instead of doing his
182
00:13:22.000 --> 00:13:27.399
fucking laundry. And now he's walking around and like giving
183
00:13:27.440 --> 00:13:30.519
us all makeshift vessels of beer, saying, hey, it's time
184
00:13:30.559 --> 00:13:33.399
we ingest something more fun than laying fruits and vegetables.
185
00:13:33.399 --> 00:13:41.200
Am I right? I mean the journey that Reyes took
186
00:13:41.320 --> 00:13:45.799
from being grossed out by the alien jes vegetables to
187
00:13:46.080 --> 00:13:52.240
being jealous that his jis can't make vegetables. It is
188
00:13:52.559 --> 00:13:59.279
more compelling than the downfall of Walter White on Breaking Bad.
189
00:14:00.159 --> 00:14:06.519
It is so petulant and so immature and so incredibly entertaining.
190
00:14:07.320 --> 00:14:09.919
But now Reyes just has to go off and prove
191
00:14:09.960 --> 00:14:12.480
how tough he is by going on this quest, and
192
00:14:12.519 --> 00:14:14.679
now I am back to being the worst person in
193
00:14:14.720 --> 00:14:17.759
the group, and that fucking sucks. So I guess this
194
00:14:17.840 --> 00:14:19.600
is all to say. If I were ever in a
195
00:14:19.639 --> 00:14:22.519
surprise pregnancy romance and telling the truth would ruin my
196
00:14:22.600 --> 00:14:26.480
ability to tell juicy gossip. I would rather say nothing
197
00:14:26.720 --> 00:14:29.879
and just keep the baby inside my womb forever, and
198
00:14:29.919 --> 00:14:32.200
I'll just say I swallowed a watermelon seed, and I'll
199
00:14:32.240 --> 00:14:34.600
be like, oh, I'm confirming the rumors a watermelon can
200
00:14:34.639 --> 00:14:37.120
grow in your stomach, because you know what, that is
201
00:14:37.120 --> 00:14:40.919
how real people deal with real life in real life problems.
202
00:14:41.000 --> 00:14:53.240
And the Lorena mouth, well, something crazy just happened. Reyes
203
00:14:53.440 --> 00:14:55.799
walked in because he had all of this extra beer
204
00:14:56.120 --> 00:15:01.600
and BEI Lorena just charged at him horns first, and
205
00:15:02.879 --> 00:15:05.320
he fell over backwards and rolled his ankle, and now
206
00:15:05.360 --> 00:15:09.240
he is like super injured. So he is not going
207
00:15:09.279 --> 00:15:14.080
on the quest. He's staying, which means I'll stay the
208
00:15:14.120 --> 00:15:19.919
second worst survivor here. It is basically the new Deciprax
209
00:15:19.960 --> 00:15:23.360
equivalent of me winning a People's Choice award for having
210
00:15:23.440 --> 00:15:27.440
the coolest personality. Good work, good Arena, You're such a
211
00:15:27.559 --> 00:15:31.759
good gruel. Mm hmm. This has been Sharon Manovich. Sharon,
212
00:15:31.799 --> 00:15:36.840
my knowledge about romance novels done voyage and I will
213
00:15:36.840 --> 00:15:42.720
see you next time I board. The love Trope claim
214
00:15:42.759 --> 00:15:45.600
by TVD is a presentation of Too Stupid to Live,
215
00:15:45.919 --> 00:15:49.039
a podcast that reviews romance novels five dollars in under.
216
00:15:49.480 --> 00:15:52.759
This episode is written, performed by Becky Feldman, music by
217
00:15:52.879 --> 00:15:56.960
Victor Natus and Codebox. Claimed by TVD is a work
218
00:15:56.960 --> 00:16:00.639
of fiction. Any similarities to actual persons living or dead
219
00:16:00.759 --> 00:16:04.960
is purely coincidental and would be pretty incredible. Thank you
220
00:16:05.000 --> 00:16:07.159
for listening and subscribing. Bye,
