WEBVTT
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Hi guys, welcome back to the Chemically Imbalanced Black Girl Podcast.
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If you are new here, this show is a collection of visual and audio existential crisis thoughts from a chemically imbalanced black girl who is me, and my name is Arya.
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Hi guys, I'm back with another video episode.
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I'm very excited.
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I tried to record a video episode for you guys like a day ago, and then my cat started irritating the fuck out of me because they almost knocked my tripod over.
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And I said, you know what?
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Everybody in this motherfucking house is going to bed.
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Good night.
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So we're trying again tonight.
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Both of them are right here, they're chilling for right now.
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I swear to god, if they start fucking with each other, because it's like every time I push the button on this camera, it's like, are you ready to run up?
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Like they just start fucking up each other, and I don't understand why.
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But they're laying down for right now.
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So I'm gonna try to get a hot 30 in for y'all.
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But how you guys doing?
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Um, I have a bunch of stuff that I want to talk to you guys about on this episode.
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Um, first of all, my birthday's coming up.
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I'm very excited about that.
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Very excited.
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Also, I can't tell you guys what I'm doing on my birthday because I genuinely have no idea.
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Like, I feel like my birthday this year is really gonna test me, you know.
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I've just been getting a lot of personal stress leading up to my birthday.
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My birthday is on May 21st, if you didn't know.
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Um, I'll be 28, which is crazy because I feel not 28, which I don't know how 28 is supposed to be.
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I'm not even 28 yet, so I don't know.
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I've never been 28 before, but I just don't feel like I match that.
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But I guess I do.
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But you also know, like, I think I look 28.
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I do think I look 28.
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I just don't feel 28 because I don't know what it's supposed to feel like, like I said, because I've never been 28 before.
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But I feel like I do look 28, and a lot of people tell me I don't, which is a good thing.
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But the problem is that everybody that's younger than me also look 28, and that's the goddamn issue.
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That's the problem.
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I got a cousin right now, 18.
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She looked every bit of 27.
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Like, what's going on?
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And it's not even that she grown or anything like that, it's just like it's something in the milk, like it's something in the stat water.
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Y'all gotta stop drinking that shit.
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They they fucking up, they fucking up something there.
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See?
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See, see?
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Hold on, I'm about to go lock my kids in a room because I I hope y'all heard that.
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Cause I'm not crazy.
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Like, it's like as soon as I get relaxed into my zone, they start fucking my house up.
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Hold on.
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You guys are gonna make mommy beat you on camera, and then everybody's gonna say, Oh, he's an animal abuser.
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I'm not an animal abuser.
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Nobody sees when y'all skyrocket off my fucking head in the middle of the night.
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Nobody says anything about that.
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They're a human abuser, nobody says that shit.
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Okay.
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Sorry guys, I had to lock my children up, but um, what was I talking about?
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See?
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Lord have mercy.
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But anyway, my birthday.
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Um, oh yeah, talking about being 28.
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Yeah, yeah, that's what I was talking about.
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Thank you.
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See it's the weed.
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No, it's not joking.
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Um, but yeah, the kids, the kids look old as fuck now.
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It's crazy.
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But um, I'm gonna try to take myself on a little personal vacation like I do every year.
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Luckily, that's something that's been constant in my life that I've been able to do consistently since I was about 20.
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Um, is I try to go either out of state or out of country by myself for my birthday on my birthday.
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Um, and it's been it's been pretty good so far.
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We've we've we've had a steady eight years going on, so um I love it, and I'm really excited.
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I'm excited about getting older, which is crazy, because if you would have met me a couple years ago, bitch, 30 was just not in the ballpark, and now I'm just like, damn, I'm really finna be 30.
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Like, and that makes me that's such a haunting feeling.
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Let's just get let's just get a little deep for a second.
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Like, for anybody that is currently suicidal or used to be, like, even in those little pockets of where you're enjoying life, or if you're somebody like me who is just like, all right, let's give this life shit a try.
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There's still that line though, you know what I'm saying?
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Do you get paranoid when you start to be like hopeful?
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I know that sounds so crazy, but it's just like like I feel like somebody was like, nah, this is what you wanted, right?
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Like, I just feel like I don't know, like anytime I start to feel like, damn, my life is going pretty well, or like I start to feel like gratitude, I'm just like, like I feel like somebody about to hit me, like, because I used to want to die so bad, bro.
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Like, really, really bad, like, real bad.
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So, I don't know.
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Hopefully that feeling goes away.
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Cause I don't know what it is, I don't even know what to call it, but it's just like don't no, I'm sorry.
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Like, like, why do I feel bad about enjoying my life or like looking forward to life?
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That's so that's such a that's such a fucked feeling, and I'm doing it to myself, you know, like it's all in my brain, and I know that, but so was wanting to kill myself, so it's a powerful thing.
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It's a powerful thing.
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Like, no matter what I do, I'm gonna be fucked up.
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That's so crazy to think.
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Well, at least I know that, you know what I'm saying?
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There's people out here like, no, I'm fine.
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I'm not fine.
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I'm not fine.
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I'm funny though, so hey, you know what I'm saying?
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If you if you're gonna be fucked up, you at least gotta be funny, or you know, or smart as fuck.
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I am not that smart.
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I can spell a whole bunch, I can read the fuck out of a book, but um, I don't know.
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I don't know if I would classify that as smart.
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But guys, I want to get a little personal in this episode.
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Um I want to talk to you guys about some of the things that's been bothering me lately in my personal life.
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Um, because I feel like I've been keeping you guys like aloof.
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And the whole point of this podcast was so that I could express my feelings to see if anybody else has ever had that feeling.
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So you hear my cats fucking at my bedroom?
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Crazy.
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Um So I've been having I've been having some um difficulties with my birth mom.
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And I know I can hear you guys now, like, why do you keep talking to this bitch?
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I don't know, because I think as much as I love cutting people off and for people to give me a reason not to ever talk to them again, I also am a victim of self-sabotage.
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So it's just like if I know something is gonna hurt me, I don't know.
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Like I just I don't know.
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Like sometimes, like I just said, like sometimes I feel like I deserve to be hurt, so I just be like, you know, I don't know.
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I don't know.
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I'm fucked up, but so I know I I've gone no contact with this woman more times than I can fucking count.
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But when my grandma passed away, we kind of just you know, it just kinda happened.
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I'm talking to her like she my girlfriend, but we just kind of started talking because she lost her mom.
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I lost literally my best friend, so you know, we kind of leaned on each other, started talking on the phone, texting each other and stuff like that, just to keep each other comfort because losing my grandma was absolutely crazy.
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Like that was crazy.
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That was crazy, it was crazy.
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Um so yeah, and then I have to get y'all on a Patreon because there's so much deeper shit that I want to say about my family, but I just can't because I don't want that to be on the internet for free.
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But they did some real odd shit after my grandma died, right?
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Which is cool.
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I charge it to the game a few weeks ago, or maybe last month on the first, it was my grandma's like death adversary, she's been dead for a year, April 1st, last month, and uh I woke up at like 7.
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Or no, my mom called me and she woke me up.
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7 a.m.
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I'm already I was emotional the day before, so of course I was emotional on the first, and my mom calls me.
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I'm in my bed, sleep, cry at myself to sleep, eyes all puffy and shit like that.
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I pick up the phone, hello.
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She's like, hey, you know, like how you doing, how you feeling?
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And I'm like, bitch, I'm sick to my stomach.
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I'm gonna kill myself.
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Like, like, why why would you ask me that?
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You know, so but I didn't say that.
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I was like, you know, I'm good, I'm all as doing good as I can, you know, being sad.
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So we have this nice, sweet conversation.
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We were talking about stories from my grandma, reminiscing all this stuff, like cool, cool, cool, chopping it up.
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It get around nine, nine o'clock.
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Mind you, I told her she called me at seven.
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And I'm like, all right, well, I'm gonna let you go because I gotta get started my day.
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Like, I gotta do laundry, I gotta like clean my shit, like I gotta start my day.
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I gotta go to the gym, like I gotta do a whole bunch of shit, and I gotta go to work later.
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Crazy.
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Um, she was like, Well, I don't want to get off the phone.
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Okay, that's what I say.
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Okay, um, I'll just put you on speaker and I'll just start doing my shit while we're on the phone.
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Knowing damn well I want to hang up and I should have hung up, and I fucking should have hung up.
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This is why you do not listen to this side, you listen to this side.
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Yeah, I should have hung up.
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So I put on a speaker phone.
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I'm starting to wash dishes, I'm separate my clothes, do laundry and shit like that, get my cats together, sweeping and shit like that.
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I'm just doing house shit.
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So she's telling me stories and shit.
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I'm like partially listening and shit.
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I'm like, uh-huh.
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Mm-hmm.
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Damn.
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I know that's right.
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You know, giving her all my buzzwords and shit, right?
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So I lock in when she starts out of nowhere, bitch.
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Out of absolutely nowhere.
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She starts going off like, yeah, because your depression, mind you, this is when I started listening.
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I don't know what the fuck she was saying before.
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I should've I should have locked in a lot sooner, but tell me what some your depression didn't start until after you started living with my my adoptive parents.
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I'm oh I'm like sweet.
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I turned my head to that motherfucking phone.
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I go pick that phone up.
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I was like, what would you say?
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She goes, Yeah, um, you were never a depressed child.
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Um, your depression didn't kick in until after you started living with them.
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I was like, Who you talking to?
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You know what I'm saying?
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That's that's that's what I said.
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I was like, who you talking to right now?
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Are you talking to me?
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Like Zarya?
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And she was like, Yeah, I was like, that's so not true.
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And she was like, it is true.
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This is what my mom said, y'all.
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This is the woman who's I can't like who gave me life.
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She goes, it is true because I had friends that were therapists that y'all didn't know about come to the house and talk to y'all, and afterwards they never said that you show any signs of being depressed.
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I said, Okay, I'm gonna tell I'm gonna I'm gonna tell you two things, okay.
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One, this is what I said, verbatim.
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The first thing I don't know if you think this, but tricking the motherfucker who went to school for psychology and never got a degree in it to come talk to your kids about some shit that you know you can't talk to your kids about, and then reporting back to you as if all three of these kids don't know what the fuck is going on, is not putting your kids through therapy.
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So I don't want you to think that you gave us any type of therapy or or you know what I'm saying?
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I don't want you to think that you got us any type of verbal or mental stimulation or help.
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I don't want you to think that because you never did.
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I know exactly what friend you're talking about, and that nigga was not a therapist or a psychiatrist of any of the sort.
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He went to school for psychology and didn't finish.
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So take that dip off your chip.
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Because we knew that.
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Second, there was nothing you could have done.
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This is what I'm telling my mom.
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I was like, there was nothing you could have done with us as children to get us to open up to you, me specifically, you know what I'm saying?
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Because I learned how to cope and shut the fuck up emotionally, very young.
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You know what I'm saying?
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And I noticed that when I had big emotions, mommy had even bigger, worse emotions.
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So, you know what I'm gonna do with my emotions?
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Cut the motherfuckers off.
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You know what I'm saying?
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Like, let's not have none of those.
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You know what I'm saying?
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Apparently, we're not supposed to have none, you know.
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Every time I show something, this bitch gotta overpower me and mad.
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Like, damn, I told you I broke my toe.
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Why the fuck are you why am I got about to get a beaten?
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You know?
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So that's horse shit.
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She keeps going.
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Um, well, you know, I I just don't believe that, and da da da.
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And I'm like, I can tell you my first memory of me thinking I had depression.
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I can tell you right now.
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And she was like, Well, what was it?
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And I tell her this story.
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I don't know if I ever told this story up here, but I'm pretty sure I did, like in a deep, deep, deep episode.
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I'm pretty sure I have.
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So, this is when we were living in Fayetteville, North Carolina, and I had got out of school.
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This is the one of the only times me and my sister and brother went to the same school because we all went to three different schools.
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Why?
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I don't know.
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This bitch was out of her fucking mind.
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Three different school districts, mind you.
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So, we all get out of school, we get off the bus.
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As soon as I get off the bus, I immediately go to my friend's house.
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My friend's house, the back of her, the front of her yard, I could see it from the back of my house.
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So I used to just hop the gate, go straight to her house, right?
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I was at this bitch's house from like 2 30 because we got out of school at 2.
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So from 2 30 to like 7, that's when my mom got off work, right?
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So, because in her front yard is my backyard, I can see my mom pull into the house, right?
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And I'm like, okay, bitch, I gotta go.
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I hopped the gate.
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My mom sees me coming from the backyard.
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Me and my mother walk into the house at the same time.
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I still have my motherfucking book back on, right?
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Never took it off, never even walked in this house.
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From from the school bus, I went to my friend's house.
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Me and my mom walk in the house at the same fucking time.
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Hey mommy, you know.
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I go to the bathroom because I done been outside all goddamn day.
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You know, book bag dirty from being in the sand, you know what I'm saying?
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We was out there wrestling and shit.
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I go to the bathroom, I gotta pee, wash my hands and shit like that.
00:15:04.480 --> 00:15:12.960
I guess while I was in the bathroom, my mom went into the living room and somebody had pissed on the chair in the living room.
00:15:13.120 --> 00:15:15.919
I don't know nothing about this because I was outside all goddamn day.
00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:19.759
The only people that were in the house were my older sister and my older brother.
00:15:20.240 --> 00:15:26.080
So I guess while I was in the bathroom doing my shit, they told her that I pissed on the couch.
00:15:26.399 --> 00:15:31.039
Which tracks because I did have a little bit of a pissing problem at the time, you know what I'm saying?
00:15:31.120 --> 00:15:32.480
But I was a traumatized child, okay?
00:15:32.559 --> 00:15:33.519
And it was only at nighttime.
00:15:33.600 --> 00:15:35.039
I would never piss on anything in the day.
00:15:35.120 --> 00:15:36.720
I'm not a fucking animal.
00:15:37.519 --> 00:15:41.600
So I come out the bathroom, I'm thinking everything cool about y'all.
00:15:41.679 --> 00:15:47.919
I walk into the living room, my mom punched the absolute fuck out of me in my face, punched the shit out of me.
00:15:48.080 --> 00:15:50.559
And I'm I'm dramatic, so I fall all down and shit like that.
00:15:50.639 --> 00:15:52.879
I slide down the wall, I'm screaming and crying.
00:15:53.120 --> 00:15:58.960
And she is just cussing me out about pissing on a chair that I didn't piss on, you know what I'm saying?
00:15:59.519 --> 00:16:08.639
And like I cried when she initially hit me, but when she was yelling at me, I stopped crying because I'm realizing like I don't know what she's talking about, you know?
00:16:09.039 --> 00:16:14.799
And because I couldn't defend myself and because I couldn't do anything, because I was so young.
00:16:14.960 --> 00:16:19.759
If I was like seven or eight, I would have, I would have, I would have said something.
00:16:19.840 --> 00:16:22.480
But I was like, I was like five.
00:16:22.799 --> 00:16:24.000
I don't know how old I was.
00:16:24.080 --> 00:16:25.440
I was young though, I was really young.
00:16:25.600 --> 00:16:27.679
Like this is a very fresh memory.
00:16:28.000 --> 00:16:32.159
Um so I remember I'm just stopping, I'm just stopped crying.
00:16:32.240 --> 00:16:34.399
I just stopped crying and I was just holding my eye.
00:16:34.639 --> 00:16:41.919
But in my head, I was like, So this is my inner dialogue as a five-year-old.
00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:43.840
So I know I didn't piss in a chair.
00:16:45.600 --> 00:16:47.519
They know I didn't piss in a chair.
00:16:50.240 --> 00:16:56.960
If I walk outside right now and jump into traffic, what's gonna happen?
00:16:57.039 --> 00:16:57.759
You know what I'm saying?
00:16:57.840 --> 00:17:04.559
Like, I just remember not even wanting to be there anymore because I was like, you didn't even wait to hear my side of the story, you know what I'm saying?
00:17:04.640 --> 00:17:07.359
You just automatically believed him, and you watched me.
00:17:07.920 --> 00:17:11.440
You watched me come into the house with you for the first time.
00:17:11.599 --> 00:17:12.880
That was crazy.
00:17:13.200 --> 00:17:15.759
Do y'all know as I'm telling this lady this story?
00:17:16.240 --> 00:17:21.680
The first thing that this woman says out of her mouth, y'all, I am not lying, I put this on my life.
00:17:22.240 --> 00:17:26.480
She goes, I didn't punch you in the face, I backhanded you.
00:17:42.000 --> 00:17:43.359
I'm you know what?
00:17:43.599 --> 00:17:44.559
You know what?
00:17:46.000 --> 00:17:52.559
My bad, my bad, for not getting the facts right on that motherfucking part.
00:17:52.880 --> 00:17:53.279
My bad.
00:17:53.440 --> 00:17:56.000
I said, I said, do you really think I called her by her first name?
00:17:56.079 --> 00:18:01.039
I said, do you really think and I started laughing because I was like, there's no way.
00:18:01.680 --> 00:18:05.519
Do you really think that that was the appropriate response to what the fuck I just told you?
00:18:05.680 --> 00:18:07.920
This is how I'm talking to my mother, y'all.
00:18:08.160 --> 00:18:09.359
To my mother.
00:18:11.200 --> 00:18:18.720
So then we start getting deeper into it, and I'm like, you have to realize that.
00:18:19.599 --> 00:18:24.079
And then my mom, her her defense is I knew I was the best mom in the world, and I eat that shit up every time.
00:18:24.160 --> 00:18:27.039
You weren't, you weren't, you weren't.
00:18:27.359 --> 00:18:28.960
One of the worst, actually.
00:18:29.759 --> 00:18:33.599
Bitch, if they had an award for the worst, you wouldn't be in the teens.
00:18:33.680 --> 00:18:34.240
I tell you that.
00:18:34.319 --> 00:18:35.599
You'd be you'd be top ten.
00:18:35.839 --> 00:18:36.480
I'm telling you.
00:18:36.559 --> 00:18:41.279
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not about to let you guilt trip me into being like, oh, you weren't that bad.
00:18:41.440 --> 00:18:42.079
You were.
00:18:42.640 --> 00:18:45.839
You were, you just were, and you're gonna have to eat that.
00:18:46.000 --> 00:18:47.039
You're gonna have to eat that.
00:18:47.119 --> 00:18:49.519
But she wants people to satiate her and be like, no, it's okay.
00:18:49.599 --> 00:18:50.720
You were it wasn't okay.
00:18:50.799 --> 00:18:51.519
It's still not okay.
00:18:51.680 --> 00:18:55.920
You lucky we don't live in the same state, or I have two pieces the fuck out you in the middle of this conversation.
00:18:56.240 --> 00:19:00.880
So now it's starting now that now the conversation's starting to get loud and shit like that.
00:19:00.960 --> 00:19:15.759
Now we're starting to like actually argue, and I'm like, you have to realize that some of the shit you used to say and do to me, like you wouldn't do that to nobody except somebody you hate, you know what I'm saying?
00:19:15.839 --> 00:19:19.680
Like you used to hate me, almost like I gave birth to you, bitch, and brought you life.
00:19:19.839 --> 00:19:20.640
You know what I'm saying?
00:19:20.720 --> 00:19:27.759
I used to be so confused on why you would ever do that and talk to a child like that, especially your child, let alone any child.
00:19:28.000 --> 00:19:33.359
And I was like, one thing I say to my mom a lot is the axe never remembers the tree.
00:19:33.440 --> 00:19:35.200
I used to say this to her as a kid.
00:19:35.440 --> 00:19:37.200
I was like, you the axe, bitch.
00:19:37.359 --> 00:19:42.000
You are the axe, and you have never been able to grasp that a day in your life or a day in my life.
00:19:42.160 --> 00:19:43.039
You are the axe.
00:19:43.119 --> 00:19:51.599
So all this shit used to do to me, all this shit used to get done to me, all this shit used to say to me, of course you don't remember because that shit was just Tuesday at four o'clock for you.
00:19:51.839 --> 00:19:58.720
For me, it was like I was like, I was scarred, like that's crazy.
00:19:58.880 --> 00:20:10.000
And I was like, all this, all the stuff that I think about myself, the reason I think I'm not attractive, and the reason I don't know how to be in a relationship and I don't know how to be somebody's partner, is because I hear you are my inner dialogue.
00:20:10.079 --> 00:20:14.240
It's not me, it's you, it's your voice telling me I'm fucking stupid and I'm ugly.
00:20:14.480 --> 00:20:15.759
Mind you, you the one who never graduated.
00:20:15.920 --> 00:20:16.480
Never mind, never mind.
00:20:16.559 --> 00:20:17.119
I'm not gonna dig.
00:20:17.200 --> 00:20:18.079
I'm not gonna dig.
00:20:18.559 --> 00:20:28.240
But it's just like I was telling her like everything negative I feel about myself is because of you, because I heard it come out of your mouth first when I was young as fuck.
00:20:28.319 --> 00:20:29.359
So how the fuck am I?
00:20:29.440 --> 00:20:30.480
You know what I'm saying?
00:20:30.720 --> 00:20:36.160
I all this all this confidence that I have now, all this audacity to say what I want.
00:20:36.240 --> 00:20:37.119
I taught myself that.
00:20:37.279 --> 00:20:43.359
I raised myself into the adult that I want to be, so I'm not blaming you, and that's what she was she was starting to cry and shit like that.
00:20:43.440 --> 00:20:44.480
Well, I guess I just failed.
00:20:44.559 --> 00:20:47.119
You did, but I don't need your apology now.
00:20:47.200 --> 00:20:49.359
A bitch about to be 30, you know what I'm saying?
00:20:49.680 --> 00:20:58.960
But what you can't do is ask me how I feel, and then diminish how I feel by saying you didn't mean it or you tried your best.
00:20:59.039 --> 00:21:00.079
I don't give a fuck.
00:21:00.240 --> 00:21:01.200
I'm not blaming you.
00:21:01.279 --> 00:21:03.519
I don't need you to take responsibility for that for that shit no more.
00:21:03.599 --> 00:21:07.920
But when you ask me a question about it, you need to be able to eat what the fuck I'm gonna tell you.
00:21:08.160 --> 00:21:08.640
Period.
00:21:08.880 --> 00:21:09.759
You know what I'm saying?
00:21:09.920 --> 00:21:11.680
Fuck taking accountability.
00:21:11.839 --> 00:21:14.720
I don't care about that, but you're not about to take away my experience.
00:21:14.880 --> 00:21:22.400
You can say you didn't do that shit all day long, but then just don't ask me about my experience involving you if you don't want to hear that shit.
00:21:22.640 --> 00:21:23.759
Plain and simple.
00:21:24.000 --> 00:21:24.960
Plain and simple.
00:21:25.119 --> 00:21:28.240
I do not need you to apologize, I do not need you to defend yourself.
00:21:28.319 --> 00:21:32.319
All I need you to do is listen, especially when you ask me the motherfucking question first.
00:21:34.480 --> 00:21:37.759
So then that pissed her off even more.
00:21:38.559 --> 00:21:49.599
And she, if there is anybody who has mommy issues, daddy issues, parents know how to push your fucking buttons and they push them so specifically because they created the motherfucking buttons, right?
00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:55.680
So she starts popping off at the mouth, talking about some well, they're not your parents.
00:21:55.920 --> 00:21:57.759
And I was like, Yeah, who?
00:21:58.799 --> 00:21:59.759
My adopted parents?
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:01.599
I was like, bitch, yes they are.
00:22:01.680 --> 00:22:02.720
Have you lost your fucking mind?
00:22:02.880 --> 00:22:04.400
And she was like, no, they're not your parents.
00:22:04.480 --> 00:22:15.519
And I was like, the audacity for you to say these people aren't my parents when you haven't parented me in over 15 years.
00:22:15.599 --> 00:22:16.960
Or longer than that, bitch.
00:22:17.759 --> 00:22:28.799
And even when you were legally responsible for me, you verbally, vigorously all the time said how you didn't want to be.
00:22:28.880 --> 00:22:29.680
You know what I'm saying?
00:22:29.839 --> 00:22:32.559
So the audacity for that to even come out your mouth is wild.
00:22:32.880 --> 00:22:35.119
And I said that, pissed her off even more.
00:22:35.920 --> 00:22:40.160
This is how I this is where she starts to push my specific buttons, right?
00:22:40.480 --> 00:22:46.640
So if I haven't said it before, which I know I have, because I talked about depression deep, deep down in the way episodes.
00:22:46.799 --> 00:22:48.559
If y'all are new here, y'all should go listen to those.
00:22:48.640 --> 00:22:54.319
They was real, real, real topic heavy.
00:22:54.799 --> 00:22:59.359
But um, I have depression um and PTSD, right?
00:23:00.319 --> 00:23:04.480
And a part of my PTSD is abandonment, right?
00:23:05.039 --> 00:23:07.759
So really I have abandonment issues, is what I'm trying to say.
00:23:08.079 --> 00:23:13.599
Um and uh I lost my train of thought.
00:23:13.680 --> 00:23:14.319
Hold on.
00:23:16.240 --> 00:23:17.359
What was I just talking about?
00:23:19.680 --> 00:23:20.319
Wow.
00:23:25.599 --> 00:23:27.440
Oh my god, I just lost it.
00:23:27.599 --> 00:23:28.880
What just happened to me?
00:23:30.480 --> 00:23:31.359
Oh, okay.
00:23:31.599 --> 00:23:32.799
Sorry, I got it back.
00:23:33.039 --> 00:23:33.759
That was weird.
00:23:33.839 --> 00:23:36.079
I felt like somebody just snatched it and threw it back.
00:23:36.319 --> 00:23:49.759
Um so I don't have the type of heart that can handle people say that can handle hearing people say why they don't want to be with me or why they don't want me around and shit like that.
00:23:49.920 --> 00:23:54.880
Like the reason I have no problem with ghosting people is because that's what I would prefer people to do to me.
00:23:54.960 --> 00:23:55.680
You know what I'm saying?
00:23:55.759 --> 00:24:17.839
Like, I would really rather if somebody didn't want me, if they wanted to stop being friends with me, if they wanted to not be in a relationship with me anymore, I would much rather them just say nothing and just by just leave, you know, because it's that lost puppy syndrome again.
00:24:17.920 --> 00:24:23.839
Like I was telling y'all before in the older episodes, like I just can't my brain and my emotions and my heart can't fathom that.
00:24:23.920 --> 00:24:25.200
Like, I don't need closure.
00:24:25.359 --> 00:24:27.519
I just need if you're gonna leave, just leave.
00:24:27.839 --> 00:24:33.039
Because you leaving is gonna hurt a lot less than you telling me why you're leaving.
00:24:33.119 --> 00:24:33.759
You know what I'm saying?
00:24:33.839 --> 00:24:36.880
Like, I just can't do that, I can't handle it.
00:24:37.119 --> 00:24:39.680
Um, that's like my kryptonite.
00:24:40.079 --> 00:24:51.200
So this bitch is gonna say, Well, if those are your parents, then I don't want to have a relationship with you, and I don't think we could talk anymore, and I don't want to be your mom.
00:24:51.359 --> 00:24:53.279
And it's just starting to make my eyes water.
00:24:53.440 --> 00:24:58.559
Not that this bitch has ever been a mom, but it's just like I can't hear stuff like that.
00:24:58.640 --> 00:24:59.519
You know what I'm saying?
00:24:59.680 --> 00:25:05.759
And I'm not about to let you hear me cry on the phone like you hurt my feelings, like I'm some soft ass bitch, which I am, but you don't need to know that.
00:25:05.839 --> 00:25:07.359
So I hung up on her.
00:25:08.400 --> 00:25:14.240
Ten minutes later, I tried to smoke a blunt, my handshake, and I can't even enjoy my favorite candy and shit because you done pissed me off so much, bitch.
00:25:14.400 --> 00:25:15.519
I was mad as hell.
00:25:15.839 --> 00:25:24.880
Ten minutes later, she sent me this long ass text message, like you so quick to hang up and and and cut people off in conversations, you didn't even hear what else I was about to say.
00:25:25.039 --> 00:25:25.839
That's fine.
00:25:26.079 --> 00:25:28.240
Then all this other shit that I didn't even really read.
00:25:28.319 --> 00:25:36.720
I sent it to my friend and had my friend was like, it wasn't that bad, because I it was a long ass text message, and I was just like, I I I just I can't, you know, so I didn't even really read it, to be honest with you.
00:25:36.799 --> 00:25:59.759
But I read like the first couple sentences, but um, and I sent her a text message back, mind you, without reading it, and I was like, the biggest disconnect me and you have is because from the day I was born, I've always felt like you didn't want me, and you've had this imaginary beef with me since that day, and I don't understand why.
00:25:59.920 --> 00:26:10.079
Because I was a kid, and now that I'm an adult and we don't talk as much, it's like you still trying to punish me for this imaginary beef that we have, and and I don't know why we have it, you know what I'm saying?
00:26:10.480 --> 00:26:15.359
Um, and I was like, just the same thing I said before, like, I'm a grown-ass woman now.
00:26:15.440 --> 00:26:18.480
I don't need you to defend yourself, and I'm not trying to blame you for anything.
00:26:18.640 --> 00:26:24.799
But when you bring up the topic of why I am the way I am, it's gonna always lead back to you negatively.
00:26:24.960 --> 00:26:30.720
And if you do not like that, you cannot keep bringing these type of conversations up when you talk to me because I am not your other two kids.
00:26:30.799 --> 00:26:34.000
I'm not finna spread your ass and kiss your asshole.
00:26:34.079 --> 00:26:36.160
I'm not, I'll shoot you in your fucking you know what I'm saying?
00:26:36.240 --> 00:26:38.240
Like I'll I'll beat your ass before I ever kiss ass.
00:26:38.319 --> 00:26:41.200
I'll I promise you, I'm not that child, you know.
00:26:41.440 --> 00:26:46.240
So and then oh god, y'all.
00:26:46.319 --> 00:26:47.279
This story runs so deep.
00:26:47.359 --> 00:26:47.839
Hold on.
00:26:48.000 --> 00:26:57.200
So after we send after I send that text message, we don't talk for like a month, right?
00:26:58.799 --> 00:27:08.240
So I wish I could tell y'all what was so shisty about what they did when my grandma died, but I'll tell y'all on the Patreon.
00:27:08.400 --> 00:27:14.720
I'm gonna make the Patreon a dollar too, because I want y'all to actually like go over there, and I hate the thought of breaking people pockets just to listen to me talk.
00:27:14.799 --> 00:27:23.920
Like I want the money, but like I would rather have it from like a sponsorship than y'all, because like I don't even want like you know, I just don't like that.
00:27:24.079 --> 00:27:32.720
But so I'll tell the fuller story in Patreon, but without talking to my mom, right?
00:27:34.160 --> 00:27:38.720
My mom, a few days ago, I get messages just bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.
00:27:38.799 --> 00:27:41.200
My phone blowing the fuck up, just ding, ding, ding, ding.
00:27:41.279 --> 00:27:42.640
I'm like, bitch, I ain't in no group chat.
00:27:42.720 --> 00:27:44.079
Who the fuck is that, you know?
00:27:44.480 --> 00:27:57.039
And it's my mom, and she is sending me pictures in Paris of her in Paris, and I was like, that's beautiful, you know.
00:27:57.279 --> 00:27:58.079
Love that for you.
00:27:58.240 --> 00:28:03.839
Oh, y'all are not gonna understand why this pissed me off until I tell you this story.
00:28:04.000 --> 00:28:07.359
Okay, so a couple months back, we are real personal.
00:28:07.440 --> 00:28:08.640
Wow, I feel like I love y'all.
00:28:09.039 --> 00:28:10.319
A couple months back.
00:28:10.640 --> 00:28:17.200
Um, my biological sister who I have by this mom, her car got fucked up, right?
00:28:17.359 --> 00:28:27.279
I have two nieces by this sister, and uh this sibling, this sister has just always been my mom's favorite, is dead ass the only child my mom meant to have.
00:28:27.359 --> 00:28:28.480
I'm not lying.
00:28:29.359 --> 00:28:33.359
And so she's we treated her that way our entire childhood.
00:28:34.160 --> 00:28:39.200
And um I'm in Florida.
00:28:39.599 --> 00:28:42.160
My sister is also in Florida, she lives in Orlando.
00:28:42.400 --> 00:28:46.720
My sister my mom is still in Virginia Beach with the rest of my uh biological family.
00:28:47.680 --> 00:28:53.279
And uh so I'm out here by basically by myself as far as biological family.
00:28:53.680 --> 00:28:56.400
My sister has a man and her two kids, right?
00:28:56.640 --> 00:29:02.000
Um, and I live by myself, and my parents, my adoptive parents live on the other side of town.
00:29:02.319 --> 00:29:12.160
Um and so, you know, a bitch would like some help, but I I'm not gonna ask for it because I just don't like to ask anybody for help.
00:29:12.240 --> 00:29:13.920
Like I'd rather just be dangling, right?
00:29:14.000 --> 00:29:16.720
I literally would, like self-sabotage all the way down.
00:29:17.200 --> 00:29:21.759
Um, and that's important to know with the story I'm about to tell y'all.
00:29:21.839 --> 00:29:30.960
So my sister, me and my sister don't have that good of a relationship because she dropped my character a few years ago, and I was like, Bet on my on my life, I'll never talk to you again.
00:29:31.119 --> 00:29:33.279
So I've been keeping that up.
00:29:33.519 --> 00:29:42.480
Um, but uh she's just not, you know, hella D Uise, very much an alcoholic.
00:29:42.720 --> 00:29:46.240
Um, and she always just been like a mean-spirited person.
00:29:46.319 --> 00:29:51.279
She probably not that way now, because I haven't like had a conversation with her in like five years, so hopefully she changed.
00:29:51.519 --> 00:30:06.880
But from like childhood and teenage to young adult, she was just a fucking mess in every word of a way, which is so frustrating because if anybody has a lot of siblings, more than two, there's one child that's kind of unspokenly considered the golden child, right?
00:30:06.960 --> 00:30:11.839
This child has everything set up for them, their future is just literally glossed the fuck up.
00:30:11.920 --> 00:30:14.640
Like, you if anybody gonna get it, you gonna get it, you know?
00:30:14.720 --> 00:30:21.440
And that's how my sister was, and she just fucked it, like fucked it all up to ass, no lube, you know, just ruin her life.
00:30:21.680 --> 00:30:25.519
Um, and so it's frustrating because just like damn.
00:30:25.759 --> 00:30:35.680
But um a few months ago, my sister fucked her car up doing god knows what, and um my mom gave her$5,500.
00:30:37.039 --> 00:30:39.119
That's a lot of money to give somebody, right?
00:30:39.359 --> 00:30:43.440
So my mom called me to tell me she gave her$5,500.
00:30:46.559 --> 00:30:54.960
And if y'all haven't been able to tell by now, when I hear stupid shit, I'm not the type of person to be like, oh, okay, good, let's get you.
00:30:55.039 --> 00:30:56.000
I cannot be fake.
00:30:56.240 --> 00:30:58.799
I cannot be fake, especially if you bring it to me.
00:30:59.039 --> 00:31:02.720
If I stumble upon you and you say some stupid shit to me, I'm gonna be like, oh, okay, and I'm gonna keep it pushing.
00:31:03.039 --> 00:31:12.000
When you bring it to me, meaning you want me to speak the truth on it, or you want to hear what I think about it, I'm gonna tell you exactly what the fuck I think, and it's not gonna be good.
00:31:12.880 --> 00:31:14.559
So I was like, Are you stupid?
00:31:14.720 --> 00:31:23.279
And she was like, Excuse me, and I was like, Why would you give somebody with more than two DUIs$5,500 for a car?
00:31:24.079 --> 00:31:25.359
You know what I'm saying?
00:31:25.599 --> 00:31:26.880
That's weird.
00:31:27.440 --> 00:31:28.319
That's real weird.
00:31:28.400 --> 00:31:38.480
And she was like, Well, she needed it, and you know, I just couldn't bear thinking about her and the girls walking outside, and I was like, Don't she live with a man?
00:31:38.720 --> 00:31:42.960
Her man couldn't have given her$5,500, her man couldn't have helped her get a new car, you know what I'm saying?
00:31:43.039 --> 00:31:43.680
Like, that's weird.
00:31:43.759 --> 00:31:54.000
And she was like, Well, and I was and and assuming, I was like, I don't understand having a man and asking your mama for$5,500, you know what I'm saying?
00:31:54.079 --> 00:31:58.319
Like, that don't make no sense to me, especially when y'all got a kid, like somebody need, you know what I'm saying?
00:31:58.480 --> 00:32:01.599
But I'm mad, I'm being a dickhead, you know.
00:32:01.759 --> 00:32:07.680
So my mom goes, well, she didn't even ask, she was just telling me about it, and and I told her I would spot her to$5,500.
00:32:08.000 --> 00:32:12.240
And I was like, uh, okay, that's weird.
00:32:12.480 --> 00:32:15.119
And I was like, can I can I ask you a question?
00:32:16.000 --> 00:32:17.200
She was like, Yeah.
00:32:17.359 --> 00:32:22.640
I was like, Do you see how it would make me feel some type of way?
00:32:23.200 --> 00:32:29.279
If I've been in Florida for three years by myself, doing all this new shit, you know what I'm saying?
00:32:29.359 --> 00:32:34.559
Like getting a new place, like trying to get a new car, like all this stuff.
00:32:36.559 --> 00:32:38.559
And I'm the youngest, mind you, I'm the youngest.
00:32:38.640 --> 00:32:40.400
All of my other similar are already in their 30s.
00:32:40.480 --> 00:32:41.759
I'm the only one still in my 20s.
00:32:41.839 --> 00:32:43.440
I am the youngest child.
00:32:46.160 --> 00:32:58.799
I was like, from how you used to treat us in childhood with Taj, that's my older sister, to now, you don't see how I would look at that as favoritism.
00:32:59.119 --> 00:33:10.480
You don't see how that would hurt my feelings, how you just have always given this one kid everything they could possibly think, and then look at me with so much disdain.
00:33:10.640 --> 00:33:15.519
Like you don't even have an afterthought of if I may need help or anything like that, right?
00:33:15.599 --> 00:33:17.200
This is what she said to me.
00:33:18.240 --> 00:33:25.519
She was like, Well, you're just always so cut off and shut off from everybody, nobody knows how to get in contact with you and stuff like that.
00:33:25.599 --> 00:33:27.279
And I was like, All you gotta do is call me.
00:33:27.440 --> 00:33:28.079
You know what I'm saying?
00:33:28.160 --> 00:33:29.759
You act like I got everybody blocked.
00:33:29.920 --> 00:33:31.599
I did for a while, you know what I'm saying?
00:33:31.680 --> 00:33:33.599
Because y'all did some shit that pissed me off.
00:33:33.920 --> 00:33:38.000
But if you really need to get in touch with me, all you gotta do is call me, all you gotta do is text me.
00:33:38.079 --> 00:33:40.799
Like, I am not that, I am not, I am not the Grim Reaper, bitch.
00:33:40.880 --> 00:33:43.759
I'm really easy to get in contact with, especially if you need me.
00:33:44.079 --> 00:33:45.200
You know what I'm saying?
00:33:45.440 --> 00:33:56.240
And I was like, it just makes me feel validated in how I think you feel about me, because you have just never gave a fuck about me.
00:33:56.319 --> 00:34:01.440
You literally never have, like, and I don't know what I did to make you dislike me so much.
00:34:01.680 --> 00:34:09.840
Like what like what I did to make you not want to help me in the same way you helped the other two.
00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:15.599
This bitch say, Well, you don't ever ask me for anything, you don't ever do this, you don't ever do that.
00:34:15.840 --> 00:34:18.800
I said, You just said that she didn't have to ask.
00:34:18.960 --> 00:34:20.800
You just said that she didn't ask you for that money.
00:34:20.880 --> 00:34:23.199
You just felt that she needed it and you gave it to her.
00:34:23.360 --> 00:34:24.480
You know what I'm saying?
00:34:24.719 --> 00:34:26.719
So you're proving my point either even more.
00:34:26.800 --> 00:34:29.360
Why the fuck is it that she don't have to ask for shit?
00:34:29.440 --> 00:34:31.679
But because I don't ask for shit, then you never give me shit.
00:34:31.760 --> 00:34:33.599
I said you just contradicted the fuck out yourself.
00:34:33.679 --> 00:34:36.400
You just literally proved that you favor that child over me.
00:34:37.039 --> 00:34:38.320
You just said it.
00:34:39.360 --> 00:34:40.559
Well, she didn't have to ask.
00:34:40.639 --> 00:34:41.440
I knew she needed it.
00:34:41.519 --> 00:34:42.639
You know I need help.
00:34:42.800 --> 00:34:48.239
You know I'm out here by myself, you know I live alone, you know how expensive everything is, you know what I'm saying?
00:34:48.480 --> 00:34:49.760
I'm your youngest child.
00:34:49.840 --> 00:34:53.920
That means I'm this is my first time doing all of this shit more than any of your other kids.
00:34:54.320 --> 00:34:57.440
But I'm the one who have to because you want to see me beg, bitch.
00:34:57.599 --> 00:34:58.480
That's what it is.
00:34:58.639 --> 00:34:59.199
That's what it is.
00:34:59.280 --> 00:35:00.880
I'm gonna tell y'all another thing.
00:35:01.119 --> 00:35:06.559
When I was getting adopted, um I was in the courthouse, right?
00:35:06.719 --> 00:35:08.159
My mom didn't know I was in the courthouse.
00:35:08.239 --> 00:35:11.760
It was my mom, my aunt, and my mom's friend.
00:35:12.079 --> 00:35:18.639
And she was signing her um her rights over to like away, just to like not be my parent anymore.
00:35:18.719 --> 00:35:36.559
Um I heard my mom and my aunt talking shit about me, saying that I think I'm better than everybody, and I've always had like this thing about me since I was a child, like I just always thought I was better than them and shit like that, and it's just like and and I'm not gonna lie, it hurt my feelings when I overheard that and shit, because I was like, what the fuck have I ever done to make y'all think I'm better than y'all?
00:35:36.880 --> 00:35:47.519
But it's the choices that I've made in life that are better than the choices they make in life, and I do them consciously and I do them on purpose, so I don't live y'all fuck ass life, you know what I'm saying?
00:35:47.760 --> 00:35:51.519
And if you think that I think that I'm better than you because of that, that's not my fault.
00:35:51.599 --> 00:35:52.480
You know what I'm saying?
00:35:52.559 --> 00:35:53.840
You should have done better.
00:35:54.079 --> 00:35:55.760
Y'all favorite line is you did your best.
00:35:55.840 --> 00:35:56.719
Your best was shit.
00:35:56.800 --> 00:35:59.679
I'm sorry, I'm not sorry, I don't give a damn, you know?
00:36:00.159 --> 00:36:13.039
So I think because me being a flight attendant and traveling all over the world and me not dating hood niggas, because my mom, every bitch in my life, only date hood niggas, and I do not like that.
00:36:13.199 --> 00:36:13.840
You know what I'm saying?
00:36:13.920 --> 00:36:17.599
I don't want my nigga to tow a gun, I don't want my niggas' pants to be all sagging, I don't want him throwing up.
00:36:17.679 --> 00:36:18.239
I don't like that.
00:36:18.320 --> 00:36:19.199
That's not my shit.
00:36:19.360 --> 00:36:25.039
Love a hood nigga, respect a hood nigga, be bros with a hood nigga, but you're not finna we not finna be any type of romantic thing.
00:36:25.199 --> 00:36:26.559
You know what I'm saying?
00:36:26.880 --> 00:36:34.000
And I think because my mom has always looked at me in that way, she wanna see me grovel.
00:36:34.480 --> 00:36:36.159
She wanna see me in the gutters.
00:36:36.320 --> 00:36:40.159
I'm not lying to you, like this bitch wanna see me fail so bad.
00:36:40.639 --> 00:36:47.039
Because then she can be an olive branch, then she can reach out and be like, oh, see, now you need my help.
00:36:47.119 --> 00:36:50.880
Now now mommy's here, and that's some wicked shit.
00:36:51.119 --> 00:36:52.559
That's some wicked shit.
00:36:52.719 --> 00:36:55.840
That's exactly what it is, and that's exactly what it always has been.
00:36:56.000 --> 00:37:01.440
I've always been a recluse in my emotions, in the way I feel, in my celebratories, in everything.
00:37:01.599 --> 00:37:05.119
Anything that I've ever celebrated, I want it to be by myself.
00:37:05.199 --> 00:37:10.320
I've like I've just always been, I've always known that if I'm by myself, can't nobody disappoint me.
00:37:10.480 --> 00:37:13.360
I've been locked in like that for a long time.
00:37:14.480 --> 00:37:16.400
And I just know that I don't want to live a bad life.
00:37:16.480 --> 00:37:17.440
That's why I don't want no kids.
00:37:17.519 --> 00:37:19.360
I don't want a life that I want to take a break from.
00:37:19.519 --> 00:37:24.559
I don't want to live a life that it's not fun, you know what I'm saying?
00:37:24.639 --> 00:37:28.880
I don't want to live a life that I'm like, well, I can't wait till somebody come get these fucking kids, or you know what I'm saying?
00:37:28.960 --> 00:37:34.400
So I'm purposely moving in a way so I can enjoy my life, you know what I'm saying?
00:37:34.719 --> 00:37:38.800
And they fucking hate that, and that is so crazy.
00:37:39.280 --> 00:37:41.039
That is so crazy to me.
00:37:41.360 --> 00:37:44.400
But what can you do?
00:37:44.559 --> 00:38:01.039
So, knowing with that story that she gave my sister the$5,500, and then seeing those pictures of her in Paris, and I mean she's living good in Paris, boat, tour, food tour, hotel, pool, hot tub, you know what I'm saying?
00:38:01.199 --> 00:38:03.760
Living good in Paris, living great in Paris, and I'd have been to Paris before.
00:38:03.840 --> 00:38:06.000
I didn't even know you could do half of that shit, you know what I'm saying?
00:38:06.159 --> 00:38:10.239
So you can kind of guess the funny shit that they did after my grandma died.
00:38:10.320 --> 00:38:11.599
You know, you can kind of piece it together.
00:38:11.679 --> 00:38:15.679
If you if you got it up here, you can kind of piece it together what the fuck I'm trying to say.
00:38:16.239 --> 00:38:22.480
Um, and like I told y'all on that episode of me sobbing because my grandma passed away.
00:38:22.559 --> 00:38:24.559
Like, me and my grandma were like this.
00:38:24.719 --> 00:38:27.920
My grandma didn't even give a fuck to say that I was her favorite child.
00:38:28.000 --> 00:38:28.880
She she didn't give a damn.
00:38:28.960 --> 00:38:30.719
She was like, You everybody know I don't give a damn.
00:38:30.800 --> 00:38:35.920
You are like, you just are like me and my grandma was the same motherfucking person.
00:38:36.000 --> 00:38:38.320
Like, I was her doppelganger for sure.
00:38:38.400 --> 00:38:43.920
Like, without the looks, but emotionally and personality-wise, I was her doppelganger.
00:38:44.159 --> 00:38:47.920
And I we used to talk about it all the time, like, which is crazy.
00:38:48.000 --> 00:38:51.679
Cause I mean, my grandma was depressed, so we talked about dying all the time together, you know what I'm saying?
00:38:51.760 --> 00:38:56.239
Not together, but like separately together, you know, like at different times.
00:38:56.480 --> 00:39:02.159
Um, and so I will always tell her, like, I wanted her house, I wanted her to leave her house to me, and stuff like that.
00:39:02.239 --> 00:39:07.039
Like, I was picking out little knickknacks of hers that I would want after she passed away and stuff like that.
00:39:07.119 --> 00:39:08.800
And she was like, Yeah, you can have it all.
00:39:09.039 --> 00:39:22.960
And she told me something that I will not say on here, just in case my family be stalking me and shit, but she told me something that guaranteed the bullshit that they did after she died, I know is bullshit, you know?
00:39:23.280 --> 00:39:30.880
And it's just it's just real fuddy duddy, the shit that my family got going on.
00:39:31.119 --> 00:39:58.159
Um and I hate how my my attraction to self-tabattage, self-tap-sabotage just I don't know, makes me keep feeding into this bullshit that I know is bullshit, that I know I'm always so much better without, without being in contact with these motherfuckers, but it's something about that biological and like evil part of my brain that's just like, no, bitch, you deserve to get hurt.
00:39:58.239 --> 00:39:59.119
I don't know.
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:01.199
I don't know, y'all.
00:40:01.440 --> 00:40:05.920
So let me know what y'all think about that.
00:40:06.000 --> 00:40:16.320
And if y'all, I remember when I was first talking about my mommy issues in the earlier episodes, like some of y'all stories about mommy issues used to make me cry so hard because I was like, damn, like we're really out here.
00:40:16.480 --> 00:40:17.840
We really out here.
00:40:19.199 --> 00:40:23.920
But yeah, guys, I was gonna talk about what else was I gonna talk about?
00:40:24.000 --> 00:40:24.559
I can't remember.
00:40:24.639 --> 00:40:28.480
Oh, I was gonna talk about um this is such a heavy shift.
00:40:28.639 --> 00:40:44.000
This is such a heavy shift, but I kind of wanted to talk about it a little bit because I saw a clip of it on TikTok and I tried to watch the whole thing, and I hope I did, but I was not going to YouTube, so hopefully I watched the whole clip and I don't sound ignorant or um a hypocrite.
00:40:44.320 --> 00:40:58.719
But I saw the clip of Victoria Monet talking about how women only approach her sexually, and I want to talk to y'all about that a little bit.
00:40:59.039 --> 00:41:04.719
So when I was listening to that, it made because I'm bisexual, right?
00:41:04.880 --> 00:41:09.119
And I am a very even bisexual, I like to call myself.
00:41:09.280 --> 00:41:17.119
I like men and women 50-50 now because I'm pretty sure I was a lesbian for the first like couple years of my life because I was so scared of dick.
00:41:17.199 --> 00:41:20.800
Like I didn't I didn't touch a man sexually until I was 20.
00:41:20.880 --> 00:41:24.239
And bitch, I'm about to be 28, so that was only seven years ago, you know what I'm saying?
00:41:24.320 --> 00:41:25.440
So I was just like mm-mm.
00:41:25.840 --> 00:41:28.800
Coochie, love down, been eating coochie since I could walk.
00:41:29.199 --> 00:41:30.239
I'm just joking.
00:41:30.400 --> 00:41:31.599
I swear to god, I'm joking.
00:41:31.679 --> 00:41:32.320
Why did I say that?
00:41:32.400 --> 00:41:33.599
Oh my god, that's not true.
00:41:33.760 --> 00:41:43.760
But you know, you know, it started early, but it just made me hearing her say that made me realize why lesbians don't fuck with bisexual women.
00:41:43.840 --> 00:41:44.400
You know what I'm saying?
00:41:44.480 --> 00:42:10.000
And as a bisexual woman, I've been through it before where my girlfriend at the time or my um partner at the time was kind of iffy about our relationship because it's just like when you and and you can hear it when a lot of bisexual women talk, especially bisexual women who have only had most of their sexual experiences or romantic experiences with men, you can hear it in the way they talk.
00:42:10.079 --> 00:42:13.920
It's always him, his, you know what I'm saying?
00:42:14.159 --> 00:42:32.639
He and it's just like if I know that you are romantically drawn to men more, but I know you just like fucking with women, as a lesbian, why would I ever go into this taking you seriously?
00:42:32.719 --> 00:42:33.280
You know what I'm saying?
00:42:33.360 --> 00:42:41.039
And that's what she was saying, like, oh women just they only want me sexually and they only talk about my body, and it's just like, well, what if I want more than that?
00:42:41.199 --> 00:42:45.360
Because I'm already coming into this knowing that you want more than that with a man.
00:42:46.079 --> 00:42:48.079
I'm not stupid, you know what I'm saying?
00:42:48.239 --> 00:42:54.239
When people ask you about your future, you're saying him, he, his, his, him, he, him, him, him, who, him, you know what I'm saying?
00:42:54.480 --> 00:42:55.679
So it's just like.
00:43:10.800 --> 00:43:11.599
You know what I'm saying?
00:43:11.679 --> 00:43:12.719
Let's talk about it.
00:43:12.960 --> 00:43:14.960
Because if we're gonna talk about it, let's talk about it.
00:43:15.119 --> 00:43:19.360
A lot of the times when women say they're bisexual, that means they just want a woman to eat their pussy.
00:43:19.519 --> 00:43:25.440
They wouldn't dare touch a pussy, they wouldn't get married to a woman, they wouldn't introduce a family to a woman, they wouldn't be in a long-term relationship with a woman.
00:43:25.599 --> 00:43:27.039
They just want sex with a woman.
00:43:27.119 --> 00:43:29.840
That's what a lot of bisexual women want, you know what I'm saying?
00:43:30.079 --> 00:43:40.079
So it's just like, why would you ever think I was gonna take you serious unless that was a conversation, you know what I'm saying?
00:43:40.320 --> 00:43:43.679
And it also like it's a precautionary thing.
00:43:43.840 --> 00:43:59.440
It's it really is because if I'm already knowing, if I just like women, if I am only romantically and sexually attracted to women, getting to know somebody who is attracted to men like is already like a hmm.
00:44:00.320 --> 00:44:03.519
You know, because I don't care what nobody says.
00:44:03.599 --> 00:44:06.079
Don't nobody want to lick or come after a dick.
00:44:06.239 --> 00:44:06.639
Nobody.
00:44:06.800 --> 00:44:07.039
Nobody.
00:44:07.199 --> 00:44:08.239
No pun intended either.
00:44:08.320 --> 00:44:09.199
I mean that literally.
00:44:09.280 --> 00:44:11.519
Like nobody wants to do that.
00:44:11.679 --> 00:44:13.920
A man, they don't wash correctly.
00:44:14.079 --> 00:44:18.480
Like so you had a man up in there and you want me to absolutely the fuck not.
00:44:18.559 --> 00:44:19.360
You know what I'm saying?
00:44:19.519 --> 00:44:24.639
So it's just like it's already a touchy.
00:44:25.039 --> 00:44:26.079
You know what I'm saying?
00:44:26.239 --> 00:44:29.440
And you can say, well, it's y'all fault for trying to talk to a bisexual woman.
00:44:29.519 --> 00:44:32.480
It's just like, I mean, not really, you know what I'm saying?
00:44:32.559 --> 00:44:41.760
Like, like I said, outside of the having the conversation of you guys being something serious, you can really fuck whoever the fuck you want to, you know what I'm saying?
00:44:41.840 --> 00:44:44.480
So that's the thing where it's just like it's not like an aha moment.
00:44:44.880 --> 00:44:50.239
It's like the fact that you can call it an aha moment is why I'm not taking you serious in the first place.
00:44:50.320 --> 00:45:15.920
Like, I do y'all understand what I'm trying to say, and then also it made me realize like how deep like the patriarchy goes, even in the LGBTQIA community, because it's just like the gall to say women only want me for my body and shit like that, as if that hasn't been the track record for men since the dawn of these motherfuckers, you know what I'm saying?
00:45:16.000 --> 00:45:21.199
And it's just like she was like, Women do me so dirty, women do me so dirty.
00:45:21.360 --> 00:45:24.880
How many albums and songs you got about niggas doing you the exact same way?
00:45:24.960 --> 00:45:26.159
No, it's not a competition.
00:45:26.239 --> 00:45:37.679
I'm not saying that, but it's just like, why is it the excuse for you not to be with a woman because women are treating you the same way that niggas historically and famously treat women?
00:45:37.840 --> 00:45:39.199
You see what I'm trying to say?
00:45:39.440 --> 00:45:40.559
You see what I'm trying to say?
00:45:40.719 --> 00:45:50.639
I don't know if I'm articulating this well, but it's just like you'll take that over sexualized shit from a man because you expect it from a man.
00:45:50.800 --> 00:45:55.119
But when a woman does the same thing, knowing that you attracted the man, all of a sudden she the bad guy.
00:45:55.199 --> 00:45:55.599
I don't know.
00:45:55.679 --> 00:46:02.960
And I don't know if I interpreted that too wrong, so I probably did, because like I said, I don't know if I watched the whole clip, but I don't know.
00:46:03.119 --> 00:46:03.519
I don't know.
00:46:03.599 --> 00:46:17.199
I think a lot of us bisexual women have a disconnect when it comes to um being gay, like liking women, like there's there's a huge disconnect between lesbians and bisexuals, and it's that dick.
00:46:17.440 --> 00:46:19.920
It just is, you know, it just is.
00:46:20.079 --> 00:46:26.559
I've been in that situation where I've been with a woman and she got pregnant, and I was like, by what?
00:46:26.719 --> 00:46:27.440
You know what I'm saying?
00:46:27.679 --> 00:46:38.800
By by because bitch, there's no way because you said you like girls, and the only way to get pregnant is writing dick, you know what I'm saying?
00:46:38.880 --> 00:46:47.840
So it's just like and that's a terrible way to get got as a as a lesbian, as a bisexual who is committed to women, you know what I'm saying?
00:46:47.920 --> 00:46:49.119
That's a big ass slap in the face.
00:46:49.199 --> 00:46:53.280
It's almost harder than being in a straight relationship and he had a baby on you.
00:46:53.360 --> 00:46:55.679
It almost hurt worse because especially you're not even supposed to like that.
00:46:55.760 --> 00:46:56.400
You know what I'm saying?
00:46:56.559 --> 00:47:00.719
Like you, you you know, so I don't know.
00:47:00.960 --> 00:47:01.760
I don't know.
00:47:02.239 --> 00:47:04.800
It's a lot of gay motherfuckers that watch this podcast too.
00:47:04.960 --> 00:47:14.719
So I hope that y'all understand what I'm trying to say, especially the lesbians, because I felt I was I was I was I I'm not gonna lie, I was a lesbian for a long time.
00:47:14.880 --> 00:47:16.159
I was so scared of penis.
00:47:16.239 --> 00:47:18.480
I was like, but yeah.
00:47:19.119 --> 00:47:25.199
Alright guys, I'm gonna wrap this episode up because I don't know.
00:47:25.519 --> 00:47:26.960
I don't know what to talk about anymore.
00:47:27.280 --> 00:47:30.719
But I'll be back in hopefully another video episode.
00:47:30.880 --> 00:47:46.320
And um I'm gonna I posted not posted, I recorded like a apartment tour that I'm gonna put on Patreon, but there's a couple more videos that I want to upload before I even like put the link out for y'all to go rejoin.
00:47:46.559 --> 00:47:51.199
Um, there's just a couple things I want to clean up over there because that first time I did it, it was not cute.
00:47:51.280 --> 00:47:57.039
Like, and I was like in a space of where recording was just not comfortable for me.
00:47:57.199 --> 00:48:01.360
So like spatially and like mentally.
00:48:01.440 --> 00:48:02.480
So but now I'm good.
00:48:02.559 --> 00:48:08.480
So I'll get a couple videos out for you on there and I'll already post them so that way when y'all join y'all have a couple shit to watch.
00:48:08.719 --> 00:48:11.599
And uh yeah, I'll see you guys in the next episode.
00:48:11.840 --> 00:48:12.320
Peace out.
00:00:11.759 --> 00:00:15.199
Hi guys, welcome back to the Chemically Imbalanced Black Girl Podcast.
00:00:15.439 --> 00:00:24.239
If you are new here, this show is a collection of visual and audio existential crisis thoughts from a chemically imbalanced black girl who is me, and my name is Arya.
00:00:24.719 --> 00:00:27.039
Hi guys, I'm back with another video episode.
00:00:27.120 --> 00:00:28.000
I'm very excited.
00:00:28.160 --> 00:00:35.359
I tried to record a video episode for you guys like a day ago, and then my cat started irritating the fuck out of me because they almost knocked my tripod over.
00:00:35.439 --> 00:00:36.079
And I said, you know what?
00:00:36.159 --> 00:00:37.920
Everybody in this motherfucking house is going to bed.
00:00:38.000 --> 00:00:38.640
Good night.
00:00:38.880 --> 00:00:40.560
So we're trying again tonight.
00:00:40.719 --> 00:00:42.719
Both of them are right here, they're chilling for right now.
00:00:42.799 --> 00:00:50.560
I swear to god, if they start fucking with each other, because it's like every time I push the button on this camera, it's like, are you ready to run up?
00:00:50.719 --> 00:00:53.600
Like they just start fucking up each other, and I don't understand why.
00:00:53.759 --> 00:00:55.119
But they're laying down for right now.
00:00:55.200 --> 00:00:57.600
So I'm gonna try to get a hot 30 in for y'all.
00:00:57.759 --> 00:00:59.600
But how you guys doing?
00:00:59.840 --> 00:01:03.280
Um, I have a bunch of stuff that I want to talk to you guys about on this episode.
00:01:03.520 --> 00:01:05.760
Um, first of all, my birthday's coming up.
00:01:05.840 --> 00:01:07.280
I'm very excited about that.
00:01:07.599 --> 00:01:08.719
Very excited.
00:01:09.040 --> 00:01:15.200
Also, I can't tell you guys what I'm doing on my birthday because I genuinely have no idea.
00:01:15.439 --> 00:01:21.760
Like, I feel like my birthday this year is really gonna test me, you know.
00:01:22.719 --> 00:01:27.120
I've just been getting a lot of personal stress leading up to my birthday.
00:01:27.200 --> 00:01:29.439
My birthday is on May 21st, if you didn't know.
00:01:29.680 --> 00:01:36.239
Um, I'll be 28, which is crazy because I feel not 28, which I don't know how 28 is supposed to be.
00:01:36.319 --> 00:01:37.599
I'm not even 28 yet, so I don't know.
00:01:37.680 --> 00:01:42.959
I've never been 28 before, but I just don't feel like I match that.
00:01:43.680 --> 00:01:44.719
But I guess I do.
00:01:44.879 --> 00:01:49.840
But you also know, like, I think I look 28.
00:01:49.920 --> 00:01:50.959
I do think I look 28.
00:01:51.040 --> 00:01:55.599
I just don't feel 28 because I don't know what it's supposed to feel like, like I said, because I've never been 28 before.
00:01:55.840 --> 00:02:01.840
But I feel like I do look 28, and a lot of people tell me I don't, which is a good thing.
00:02:02.079 --> 00:02:07.200
But the problem is that everybody that's younger than me also look 28, and that's the goddamn issue.
00:02:07.599 --> 00:02:08.560
That's the problem.
00:02:08.719 --> 00:02:10.240
I got a cousin right now, 18.
00:02:10.319 --> 00:02:11.680
She looked every bit of 27.
00:02:11.759 --> 00:02:13.039
Like, what's going on?
00:02:13.199 --> 00:02:19.199
And it's not even that she grown or anything like that, it's just like it's something in the milk, like it's something in the stat water.
00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:20.560
Y'all gotta stop drinking that shit.
00:02:20.639 --> 00:02:23.280
They they fucking up, they fucking up something there.
00:02:23.439 --> 00:02:23.759
See?
00:02:24.000 --> 00:02:25.039
See, see?
00:02:26.719 --> 00:02:30.719
Hold on, I'm about to go lock my kids in a room because I I hope y'all heard that.
00:02:30.800 --> 00:02:31.759
Cause I'm not crazy.
00:02:31.840 --> 00:02:36.159
Like, it's like as soon as I get relaxed into my zone, they start fucking my house up.
00:02:36.240 --> 00:02:37.039
Hold on.
00:02:39.280 --> 00:02:47.520
You guys are gonna make mommy beat you on camera, and then everybody's gonna say, Oh, he's an animal abuser.
00:02:47.599 --> 00:02:48.879
I'm not an animal abuser.
00:02:49.039 --> 00:02:52.319
Nobody sees when y'all skyrocket off my fucking head in the middle of the night.
00:02:52.479 --> 00:02:53.759
Nobody says anything about that.
00:02:53.840 --> 00:02:56.080
They're a human abuser, nobody says that shit.
00:02:56.400 --> 00:02:56.719
Okay.
00:02:57.840 --> 00:03:03.439
Sorry guys, I had to lock my children up, but um, what was I talking about?
00:03:03.759 --> 00:03:04.080
See?
00:03:04.560 --> 00:03:05.599
Lord have mercy.
00:03:05.840 --> 00:03:09.039
But anyway, my birthday.
00:03:09.280 --> 00:03:11.439
Um, oh yeah, talking about being 28.
00:03:11.599 --> 00:03:13.120
Yeah, yeah, that's what I was talking about.
00:03:13.199 --> 00:03:13.520
Thank you.
00:03:13.759 --> 00:03:15.439
See it's the weed.
00:03:15.520 --> 00:03:16.479
No, it's not joking.
00:03:16.879 --> 00:03:20.159
Um, but yeah, the kids, the kids look old as fuck now.
00:03:20.240 --> 00:03:20.800
It's crazy.
00:03:21.039 --> 00:03:26.800
But um, I'm gonna try to take myself on a little personal vacation like I do every year.
00:03:26.960 --> 00:03:33.520
Luckily, that's something that's been constant in my life that I've been able to do consistently since I was about 20.
00:03:33.840 --> 00:03:39.840
Um, is I try to go either out of state or out of country by myself for my birthday on my birthday.
00:03:40.080 --> 00:03:43.280
Um, and it's been it's been pretty good so far.
00:03:43.360 --> 00:03:48.879
We've we've we've had a steady eight years going on, so um I love it, and I'm really excited.
00:03:48.960 --> 00:03:59.360
I'm excited about getting older, which is crazy, because if you would have met me a couple years ago, bitch, 30 was just not in the ballpark, and now I'm just like, damn, I'm really finna be 30.
00:03:59.520 --> 00:04:03.039
Like, and that makes me that's such a haunting feeling.
00:04:03.280 --> 00:04:05.439
Let's just get let's just get a little deep for a second.
00:04:05.599 --> 00:04:17.759
Like, for anybody that is currently suicidal or used to be, like, even in those little pockets of where you're enjoying life, or if you're somebody like me who is just like, all right, let's give this life shit a try.
00:04:18.399 --> 00:04:21.040
There's still that line though, you know what I'm saying?
00:04:21.519 --> 00:04:25.360
Do you get paranoid when you start to be like hopeful?
00:04:25.759 --> 00:04:31.600
I know that sounds so crazy, but it's just like like I feel like somebody was like, nah, this is what you wanted, right?
00:04:31.680 --> 00:04:45.680
Like, I just feel like I don't know, like anytime I start to feel like, damn, my life is going pretty well, or like I start to feel like gratitude, I'm just like, like I feel like somebody about to hit me, like, because I used to want to die so bad, bro.
00:04:45.839 --> 00:04:51.439
Like, really, really bad, like, real bad.
00:04:51.680 --> 00:04:53.439
So, I don't know.
00:04:53.680 --> 00:04:55.759
Hopefully that feeling goes away.
00:04:56.399 --> 00:05:01.680
Cause I don't know what it is, I don't even know what to call it, but it's just like don't no, I'm sorry.
00:05:01.839 --> 00:05:05.920
Like, like, why do I feel bad about enjoying my life or like looking forward to life?
00:05:06.000 --> 00:05:16.480
That's so that's such a that's such a fucked feeling, and I'm doing it to myself, you know, like it's all in my brain, and I know that, but so was wanting to kill myself, so it's a powerful thing.
00:05:16.639 --> 00:05:17.439
It's a powerful thing.
00:05:17.519 --> 00:05:21.600
Like, no matter what I do, I'm gonna be fucked up.
00:05:22.480 --> 00:05:23.759
That's so crazy to think.
00:05:23.839 --> 00:05:25.360
Well, at least I know that, you know what I'm saying?
00:05:25.439 --> 00:05:27.279
There's people out here like, no, I'm fine.
00:05:27.519 --> 00:05:28.720
I'm not fine.
00:05:29.040 --> 00:05:30.240
I'm not fine.
00:05:30.480 --> 00:05:33.600
I'm funny though, so hey, you know what I'm saying?
00:05:33.759 --> 00:05:38.959
If you if you're gonna be fucked up, you at least gotta be funny, or you know, or smart as fuck.
00:05:40.079 --> 00:05:41.279
I am not that smart.
00:05:41.360 --> 00:05:45.759
I can spell a whole bunch, I can read the fuck out of a book, but um, I don't know.
00:05:45.839 --> 00:05:48.720
I don't know if I would classify that as smart.
00:05:49.600 --> 00:05:52.959
But guys, I want to get a little personal in this episode.
00:05:53.120 --> 00:06:00.959
Um I want to talk to you guys about some of the things that's been bothering me lately in my personal life.
00:06:01.120 --> 00:06:04.079
Um, because I feel like I've been keeping you guys like aloof.
00:06:04.240 --> 00:06:10.160
And the whole point of this podcast was so that I could express my feelings to see if anybody else has ever had that feeling.
00:06:10.240 --> 00:06:11.759
So you hear my cats fucking at my bedroom?
00:06:11.920 --> 00:06:12.639
Crazy.
00:06:12.879 --> 00:06:25.920
Um So I've been having I've been having some um difficulties with my birth mom.
00:06:26.000 --> 00:06:30.800
And I know I can hear you guys now, like, why do you keep talking to this bitch?
00:06:32.000 --> 00:06:46.720
I don't know, because I think as much as I love cutting people off and for people to give me a reason not to ever talk to them again, I also am a victim of self-sabotage.
00:06:46.800 --> 00:06:54.000
So it's just like if I know something is gonna hurt me, I don't know.
00:06:54.160 --> 00:06:56.079
Like I just I don't know.
00:06:56.240 --> 00:07:04.959
Like sometimes, like I just said, like sometimes I feel like I deserve to be hurt, so I just be like, you know, I don't know.
00:07:05.120 --> 00:07:05.519
I don't know.
00:07:05.600 --> 00:07:12.480
I'm fucked up, but so I know I I've gone no contact with this woman more times than I can fucking count.
00:07:12.800 --> 00:07:19.040
But when my grandma passed away, we kind of just you know, it just kinda happened.
00:07:19.120 --> 00:07:25.199
I'm talking to her like she my girlfriend, but we just kind of started talking because she lost her mom.
00:07:25.360 --> 00:07:37.279
I lost literally my best friend, so you know, we kind of leaned on each other, started talking on the phone, texting each other and stuff like that, just to keep each other comfort because losing my grandma was absolutely crazy.
00:07:37.360 --> 00:07:38.240
Like that was crazy.
00:07:38.319 --> 00:07:40.319
That was crazy, it was crazy.
00:07:40.560 --> 00:07:55.839
Um so yeah, and then I have to get y'all on a Patreon because there's so much deeper shit that I want to say about my family, but I just can't because I don't want that to be on the internet for free.
00:07:56.000 --> 00:08:02.079
But they did some real odd shit after my grandma died, right?
00:08:02.879 --> 00:08:03.920
Which is cool.
00:08:04.240 --> 00:08:19.279
I charge it to the game a few weeks ago, or maybe last month on the first, it was my grandma's like death adversary, she's been dead for a year, April 1st, last month, and uh I woke up at like 7.
00:08:19.360 --> 00:08:22.079
Or no, my mom called me and she woke me up.
00:08:23.199 --> 00:08:23.920
7 a.m.
00:08:24.079 --> 00:08:32.080
I'm already I was emotional the day before, so of course I was emotional on the first, and my mom calls me.
00:08:33.440 --> 00:08:36.799
I'm in my bed, sleep, cry at myself to sleep, eyes all puffy and shit like that.
00:08:36.879 --> 00:08:38.320
I pick up the phone, hello.
00:08:38.720 --> 00:08:43.919
She's like, hey, you know, like how you doing, how you feeling?
00:08:44.000 --> 00:08:46.639
And I'm like, bitch, I'm sick to my stomach.
00:08:46.720 --> 00:08:47.759
I'm gonna kill myself.
00:08:47.919 --> 00:08:50.240
Like, like, why why would you ask me that?
00:08:50.480 --> 00:08:52.399
You know, so but I didn't say that.
00:08:52.480 --> 00:08:57.759
I was like, you know, I'm good, I'm all as doing good as I can, you know, being sad.
00:08:58.480 --> 00:09:01.919
So we have this nice, sweet conversation.
00:09:02.000 --> 00:09:07.279
We were talking about stories from my grandma, reminiscing all this stuff, like cool, cool, cool, chopping it up.
00:09:07.519 --> 00:09:12.000
It get around nine, nine o'clock.
00:09:12.240 --> 00:09:14.240
Mind you, I told her she called me at seven.
00:09:14.960 --> 00:09:19.440
And I'm like, all right, well, I'm gonna let you go because I gotta get started my day.
00:09:19.519 --> 00:09:23.279
Like, I gotta do laundry, I gotta like clean my shit, like I gotta start my day.
00:09:23.519 --> 00:09:26.639
I gotta go to the gym, like I gotta do a whole bunch of shit, and I gotta go to work later.
00:09:26.799 --> 00:09:27.279
Crazy.
00:09:27.440 --> 00:09:30.480
Um, she was like, Well, I don't want to get off the phone.
00:09:32.639 --> 00:09:34.320
Okay, that's what I say.
00:09:34.480 --> 00:09:38.720
Okay, um, I'll just put you on speaker and I'll just start doing my shit while we're on the phone.
00:09:38.879 --> 00:09:42.320
Knowing damn well I want to hang up and I should have hung up, and I fucking should have hung up.
00:09:42.480 --> 00:09:45.360
This is why you do not listen to this side, you listen to this side.
00:09:45.519 --> 00:09:46.960
Yeah, I should have hung up.
00:09:47.360 --> 00:09:49.200
So I put on a speaker phone.
00:09:49.279 --> 00:09:54.879
I'm starting to wash dishes, I'm separate my clothes, do laundry and shit like that, get my cats together, sweeping and shit like that.
00:09:55.120 --> 00:09:56.480
I'm just doing house shit.
00:09:57.440 --> 00:09:58.960
So she's telling me stories and shit.
00:09:59.039 --> 00:10:00.399
I'm like partially listening and shit.
00:10:00.480 --> 00:10:01.200
I'm like, uh-huh.
00:10:01.360 --> 00:10:01.759
Mm-hmm.
00:10:02.080 --> 00:10:02.480
Damn.
00:10:02.639 --> 00:10:03.360
I know that's right.
00:10:03.440 --> 00:10:05.840
You know, giving her all my buzzwords and shit, right?
00:10:06.639 --> 00:10:11.679
So I lock in when she starts out of nowhere, bitch.
00:10:11.919 --> 00:10:13.759
Out of absolutely nowhere.
00:10:14.159 --> 00:10:21.919
She starts going off like, yeah, because your depression, mind you, this is when I started listening.
00:10:22.080 --> 00:10:23.679
I don't know what the fuck she was saying before.
00:10:23.759 --> 00:10:32.080
I should've I should have locked in a lot sooner, but tell me what some your depression didn't start until after you started living with my my adoptive parents.
00:10:33.120 --> 00:10:34.559
I'm oh I'm like sweet.
00:10:34.639 --> 00:10:36.000
I turned my head to that motherfucking phone.
00:10:36.080 --> 00:10:36.960
I go pick that phone up.
00:10:37.039 --> 00:10:39.279
I was like, what would you say?
00:10:40.159 --> 00:10:44.240
She goes, Yeah, um, you were never a depressed child.
00:10:44.480 --> 00:10:48.080
Um, your depression didn't kick in until after you started living with them.
00:10:48.240 --> 00:10:55.600
I was like, Who you talking to?
00:10:55.759 --> 00:10:56.399
You know what I'm saying?
00:10:56.639 --> 00:10:58.000
That's that's that's what I said.
00:10:58.080 --> 00:10:59.039
I was like, who you talking to right now?
00:10:59.120 --> 00:10:59.919
Are you talking to me?
00:11:00.399 --> 00:11:01.440
Like Zarya?
00:11:01.759 --> 00:11:07.120
And she was like, Yeah, I was like, that's so not true.
00:11:07.519 --> 00:11:08.879
And she was like, it is true.
00:11:08.960 --> 00:11:10.399
This is what my mom said, y'all.
00:11:10.480 --> 00:11:14.080
This is the woman who's I can't like who gave me life.
00:11:15.440 --> 00:11:26.320
She goes, it is true because I had friends that were therapists that y'all didn't know about come to the house and talk to y'all, and afterwards they never said that you show any signs of being depressed.
00:11:31.679 --> 00:11:35.360
I said, Okay, I'm gonna tell I'm gonna I'm gonna tell you two things, okay.
00:11:37.200 --> 00:11:39.440
One, this is what I said, verbatim.
00:11:40.159 --> 00:12:04.720
The first thing I don't know if you think this, but tricking the motherfucker who went to school for psychology and never got a degree in it to come talk to your kids about some shit that you know you can't talk to your kids about, and then reporting back to you as if all three of these kids don't know what the fuck is going on, is not putting your kids through therapy.
00:12:04.799 --> 00:12:11.200
So I don't want you to think that you gave us any type of therapy or or you know what I'm saying?
00:12:11.279 --> 00:12:15.600
I don't want you to think that you got us any type of verbal or mental stimulation or help.
00:12:15.759 --> 00:12:17.519
I don't want you to think that because you never did.
00:12:17.679 --> 00:12:21.919
I know exactly what friend you're talking about, and that nigga was not a therapist or a psychiatrist of any of the sort.
00:12:22.000 --> 00:12:24.240
He went to school for psychology and didn't finish.
00:12:25.919 --> 00:12:29.360
So take that dip off your chip.
00:12:30.639 --> 00:12:33.440
Because we knew that.
00:12:33.679 --> 00:12:37.679
Second, there was nothing you could have done.
00:12:37.840 --> 00:12:38.960
This is what I'm telling my mom.
00:12:39.120 --> 00:12:45.840
I was like, there was nothing you could have done with us as children to get us to open up to you, me specifically, you know what I'm saying?
00:12:46.080 --> 00:12:51.200
Because I learned how to cope and shut the fuck up emotionally, very young.
00:12:51.360 --> 00:12:52.399
You know what I'm saying?
00:12:52.639 --> 00:12:58.159
And I noticed that when I had big emotions, mommy had even bigger, worse emotions.
00:12:58.240 --> 00:13:00.320
So, you know what I'm gonna do with my emotions?
00:13:01.120 --> 00:13:02.159
Cut the motherfuckers off.
00:13:02.240 --> 00:13:02.799
You know what I'm saying?
00:13:02.879 --> 00:13:04.000
Like, let's not have none of those.
00:13:04.240 --> 00:13:04.799
You know what I'm saying?
00:13:04.879 --> 00:13:06.639
Apparently, we're not supposed to have none, you know.
00:13:06.799 --> 00:13:09.360
Every time I show something, this bitch gotta overpower me and mad.
00:13:09.600 --> 00:13:10.960
Like, damn, I told you I broke my toe.
00:13:11.039 --> 00:13:13.360
Why the fuck are you why am I got about to get a beaten?
00:13:13.759 --> 00:13:14.399
You know?
00:13:15.039 --> 00:13:16.960
So that's horse shit.
00:13:17.840 --> 00:13:19.039
She keeps going.
00:13:19.440 --> 00:13:24.399
Um, well, you know, I I just don't believe that, and da da da.
00:13:25.120 --> 00:13:31.120
And I'm like, I can tell you my first memory of me thinking I had depression.
00:13:31.279 --> 00:13:32.799
I can tell you right now.
00:13:33.360 --> 00:13:35.279
And she was like, Well, what was it?
00:13:35.600 --> 00:13:36.879
And I tell her this story.
00:13:36.960 --> 00:13:40.559
I don't know if I ever told this story up here, but I'm pretty sure I did, like in a deep, deep, deep episode.
00:13:40.799 --> 00:13:42.080
I'm pretty sure I have.
00:13:42.399 --> 00:13:47.759
So, this is when we were living in Fayetteville, North Carolina, and I had got out of school.
00:13:47.840 --> 00:13:52.320
This is the one of the only times me and my sister and brother went to the same school because we all went to three different schools.
00:13:52.480 --> 00:13:52.720
Why?
00:13:52.799 --> 00:13:53.120
I don't know.
00:13:53.279 --> 00:13:54.639
This bitch was out of her fucking mind.
00:13:54.799 --> 00:13:56.720
Three different school districts, mind you.
00:13:57.360 --> 00:14:00.480
So, we all get out of school, we get off the bus.
00:14:00.799 --> 00:14:03.759
As soon as I get off the bus, I immediately go to my friend's house.
00:14:04.000 --> 00:14:09.200
My friend's house, the back of her, the front of her yard, I could see it from the back of my house.
00:14:09.360 --> 00:14:11.600
So I used to just hop the gate, go straight to her house, right?
00:14:11.759 --> 00:14:16.720
I was at this bitch's house from like 2 30 because we got out of school at 2.
00:14:16.879 --> 00:14:20.720
So from 2 30 to like 7, that's when my mom got off work, right?
00:14:21.519 --> 00:14:30.320
So, because in her front yard is my backyard, I can see my mom pull into the house, right?
00:14:30.399 --> 00:14:32.399
And I'm like, okay, bitch, I gotta go.
00:14:33.279 --> 00:14:34.720
I hopped the gate.
00:14:34.960 --> 00:14:37.519
My mom sees me coming from the backyard.
00:14:37.759 --> 00:14:40.159
Me and my mother walk into the house at the same time.
00:14:40.320 --> 00:14:42.720
I still have my motherfucking book back on, right?
00:14:42.960 --> 00:14:45.039
Never took it off, never even walked in this house.
00:14:45.200 --> 00:14:48.080
From from the school bus, I went to my friend's house.
00:14:48.399 --> 00:14:50.639
Me and my mom walk in the house at the same fucking time.
00:14:50.799 --> 00:14:52.720
Hey mommy, you know.
00:14:54.480 --> 00:14:56.960
I go to the bathroom because I done been outside all goddamn day.
00:14:57.039 --> 00:14:59.120
You know, book bag dirty from being in the sand, you know what I'm saying?
00:14:59.200 --> 00:15:01.440
We was out there wrestling and shit.
00:15:01.519 --> 00:15:04.159
I go to the bathroom, I gotta pee, wash my hands and shit like that.
00:15:04.480 --> 00:15:12.960
I guess while I was in the bathroom, my mom went into the living room and somebody had pissed on the chair in the living room.
00:15:13.120 --> 00:15:15.919
I don't know nothing about this because I was outside all goddamn day.
00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:19.759
The only people that were in the house were my older sister and my older brother.
00:15:20.240 --> 00:15:26.080
So I guess while I was in the bathroom doing my shit, they told her that I pissed on the couch.
00:15:26.399 --> 00:15:31.039
Which tracks because I did have a little bit of a pissing problem at the time, you know what I'm saying?
00:15:31.120 --> 00:15:32.480
But I was a traumatized child, okay?
00:15:32.559 --> 00:15:33.519
And it was only at nighttime.
00:15:33.600 --> 00:15:35.039
I would never piss on anything in the day.
00:15:35.120 --> 00:15:36.720
I'm not a fucking animal.
00:15:37.519 --> 00:15:41.600
So I come out the bathroom, I'm thinking everything cool about y'all.
00:15:41.679 --> 00:15:47.919
I walk into the living room, my mom punched the absolute fuck out of me in my face, punched the shit out of me.
00:15:48.080 --> 00:15:50.559
And I'm I'm dramatic, so I fall all down and shit like that.
00:15:50.639 --> 00:15:52.879
I slide down the wall, I'm screaming and crying.
00:15:53.120 --> 00:15:58.960
And she is just cussing me out about pissing on a chair that I didn't piss on, you know what I'm saying?
00:15:59.519 --> 00:16:08.639
And like I cried when she initially hit me, but when she was yelling at me, I stopped crying because I'm realizing like I don't know what she's talking about, you know?
00:16:09.039 --> 00:16:14.799
And because I couldn't defend myself and because I couldn't do anything, because I was so young.
00:16:14.960 --> 00:16:19.759
If I was like seven or eight, I would have, I would have, I would have said something.
00:16:19.840 --> 00:16:22.480
But I was like, I was like five.
00:16:22.799 --> 00:16:24.000
I don't know how old I was.
00:16:24.080 --> 00:16:25.440
I was young though, I was really young.
00:16:25.600 --> 00:16:27.679
Like this is a very fresh memory.
00:16:28.000 --> 00:16:32.159
Um so I remember I'm just stopping, I'm just stopped crying.
00:16:32.240 --> 00:16:34.399
I just stopped crying and I was just holding my eye.
00:16:34.639 --> 00:16:41.919
But in my head, I was like, So this is my inner dialogue as a five-year-old.
00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:43.840
So I know I didn't piss in a chair.
00:16:45.600 --> 00:16:47.519
They know I didn't piss in a chair.
00:16:50.240 --> 00:16:56.960
If I walk outside right now and jump into traffic, what's gonna happen?
00:16:57.039 --> 00:16:57.759
You know what I'm saying?
00:16:57.840 --> 00:17:04.559
Like, I just remember not even wanting to be there anymore because I was like, you didn't even wait to hear my side of the story, you know what I'm saying?
00:17:04.640 --> 00:17:07.359
You just automatically believed him, and you watched me.
00:17:07.920 --> 00:17:11.440
You watched me come into the house with you for the first time.
00:17:11.599 --> 00:17:12.880
That was crazy.
00:17:13.200 --> 00:17:15.759
Do y'all know as I'm telling this lady this story?
00:17:16.240 --> 00:17:21.680
The first thing that this woman says out of her mouth, y'all, I am not lying, I put this on my life.
00:17:22.240 --> 00:17:26.480
She goes, I didn't punch you in the face, I backhanded you.
00:17:42.000 --> 00:17:43.359
I'm you know what?
00:17:43.599 --> 00:17:44.559
You know what?
00:17:46.000 --> 00:17:52.559
My bad, my bad, for not getting the facts right on that motherfucking part.
00:17:52.880 --> 00:17:53.279
My bad.
00:17:53.440 --> 00:17:56.000
I said, I said, do you really think I called her by her first name?
00:17:56.079 --> 00:18:01.039
I said, do you really think and I started laughing because I was like, there's no way.
00:18:01.680 --> 00:18:05.519
Do you really think that that was the appropriate response to what the fuck I just told you?
00:18:05.680 --> 00:18:07.920
This is how I'm talking to my mother, y'all.
00:18:08.160 --> 00:18:09.359
To my mother.
00:18:11.200 --> 00:18:18.720
So then we start getting deeper into it, and I'm like, you have to realize that.
00:18:19.599 --> 00:18:24.079
And then my mom, her her defense is I knew I was the best mom in the world, and I eat that shit up every time.
00:18:24.160 --> 00:18:27.039
You weren't, you weren't, you weren't.
00:18:27.359 --> 00:18:28.960
One of the worst, actually.
00:18:29.759 --> 00:18:33.599
Bitch, if they had an award for the worst, you wouldn't be in the teens.
00:18:33.680 --> 00:18:34.240
I tell you that.
00:18:34.319 --> 00:18:35.599
You'd be you'd be top ten.
00:18:35.839 --> 00:18:36.480
I'm telling you.
00:18:36.559 --> 00:18:41.279
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not about to let you guilt trip me into being like, oh, you weren't that bad.
00:18:41.440 --> 00:18:42.079
You were.
00:18:42.640 --> 00:18:45.839
You were, you just were, and you're gonna have to eat that.
00:18:46.000 --> 00:18:47.039
You're gonna have to eat that.
00:18:47.119 --> 00:18:49.519
But she wants people to satiate her and be like, no, it's okay.
00:18:49.599 --> 00:18:50.720
You were it wasn't okay.
00:18:50.799 --> 00:18:51.519
It's still not okay.
00:18:51.680 --> 00:18:55.920
You lucky we don't live in the same state, or I have two pieces the fuck out you in the middle of this conversation.
00:18:56.240 --> 00:19:00.880
So now it's starting now that now the conversation's starting to get loud and shit like that.
00:19:00.960 --> 00:19:15.759
Now we're starting to like actually argue, and I'm like, you have to realize that some of the shit you used to say and do to me, like you wouldn't do that to nobody except somebody you hate, you know what I'm saying?
00:19:15.839 --> 00:19:19.680
Like you used to hate me, almost like I gave birth to you, bitch, and brought you life.
00:19:19.839 --> 00:19:20.640
You know what I'm saying?
00:19:20.720 --> 00:19:27.759
I used to be so confused on why you would ever do that and talk to a child like that, especially your child, let alone any child.
00:19:28.000 --> 00:19:33.359
And I was like, one thing I say to my mom a lot is the axe never remembers the tree.
00:19:33.440 --> 00:19:35.200
I used to say this to her as a kid.
00:19:35.440 --> 00:19:37.200
I was like, you the axe, bitch.
00:19:37.359 --> 00:19:42.000
You are the axe, and you have never been able to grasp that a day in your life or a day in my life.
00:19:42.160 --> 00:19:43.039
You are the axe.
00:19:43.119 --> 00:19:51.599
So all this shit used to do to me, all this shit used to get done to me, all this shit used to say to me, of course you don't remember because that shit was just Tuesday at four o'clock for you.
00:19:51.839 --> 00:19:58.720
For me, it was like I was like, I was scarred, like that's crazy.
00:19:58.880 --> 00:20:10.000
And I was like, all this, all the stuff that I think about myself, the reason I think I'm not attractive, and the reason I don't know how to be in a relationship and I don't know how to be somebody's partner, is because I hear you are my inner dialogue.
00:20:10.079 --> 00:20:14.240
It's not me, it's you, it's your voice telling me I'm fucking stupid and I'm ugly.
00:20:14.480 --> 00:20:15.759
Mind you, you the one who never graduated.
00:20:15.920 --> 00:20:16.480
Never mind, never mind.
00:20:16.559 --> 00:20:17.119
I'm not gonna dig.
00:20:17.200 --> 00:20:18.079
I'm not gonna dig.
00:20:18.559 --> 00:20:28.240
But it's just like I was telling her like everything negative I feel about myself is because of you, because I heard it come out of your mouth first when I was young as fuck.
00:20:28.319 --> 00:20:29.359
So how the fuck am I?
00:20:29.440 --> 00:20:30.480
You know what I'm saying?
00:20:30.720 --> 00:20:36.160
I all this all this confidence that I have now, all this audacity to say what I want.
00:20:36.240 --> 00:20:37.119
I taught myself that.
00:20:37.279 --> 00:20:43.359
I raised myself into the adult that I want to be, so I'm not blaming you, and that's what she was she was starting to cry and shit like that.
00:20:43.440 --> 00:20:44.480
Well, I guess I just failed.
00:20:44.559 --> 00:20:47.119
You did, but I don't need your apology now.
00:20:47.200 --> 00:20:49.359
A bitch about to be 30, you know what I'm saying?
00:20:49.680 --> 00:20:58.960
But what you can't do is ask me how I feel, and then diminish how I feel by saying you didn't mean it or you tried your best.
00:20:59.039 --> 00:21:00.079
I don't give a fuck.
00:21:00.240 --> 00:21:01.200
I'm not blaming you.
00:21:01.279 --> 00:21:03.519
I don't need you to take responsibility for that for that shit no more.
00:21:03.599 --> 00:21:07.920
But when you ask me a question about it, you need to be able to eat what the fuck I'm gonna tell you.
00:21:08.160 --> 00:21:08.640
Period.
00:21:08.880 --> 00:21:09.759
You know what I'm saying?
00:21:09.920 --> 00:21:11.680
Fuck taking accountability.
00:21:11.839 --> 00:21:14.720
I don't care about that, but you're not about to take away my experience.
00:21:14.880 --> 00:21:22.400
You can say you didn't do that shit all day long, but then just don't ask me about my experience involving you if you don't want to hear that shit.
00:21:22.640 --> 00:21:23.759
Plain and simple.
00:21:24.000 --> 00:21:24.960
Plain and simple.
00:21:25.119 --> 00:21:28.240
I do not need you to apologize, I do not need you to defend yourself.
00:21:28.319 --> 00:21:32.319
All I need you to do is listen, especially when you ask me the motherfucking question first.
00:21:34.480 --> 00:21:37.759
So then that pissed her off even more.
00:21:38.559 --> 00:21:49.599
And she, if there is anybody who has mommy issues, daddy issues, parents know how to push your fucking buttons and they push them so specifically because they created the motherfucking buttons, right?
00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:55.680
So she starts popping off at the mouth, talking about some well, they're not your parents.
00:21:55.920 --> 00:21:57.759
And I was like, Yeah, who?
00:21:58.799 --> 00:21:59.759
My adopted parents?
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:01.599
I was like, bitch, yes they are.
00:22:01.680 --> 00:22:02.720
Have you lost your fucking mind?
00:22:02.880 --> 00:22:04.400
And she was like, no, they're not your parents.
00:22:04.480 --> 00:22:15.519
And I was like, the audacity for you to say these people aren't my parents when you haven't parented me in over 15 years.
00:22:15.599 --> 00:22:16.960
Or longer than that, bitch.
00:22:17.759 --> 00:22:28.799
And even when you were legally responsible for me, you verbally, vigorously all the time said how you didn't want to be.
00:22:28.880 --> 00:22:29.680
You know what I'm saying?
00:22:29.839 --> 00:22:32.559
So the audacity for that to even come out your mouth is wild.
00:22:32.880 --> 00:22:35.119
And I said that, pissed her off even more.
00:22:35.920 --> 00:22:40.160
This is how I this is where she starts to push my specific buttons, right?
00:22:40.480 --> 00:22:46.640
So if I haven't said it before, which I know I have, because I talked about depression deep, deep down in the way episodes.
00:22:46.799 --> 00:22:48.559
If y'all are new here, y'all should go listen to those.
00:22:48.640 --> 00:22:54.319
They was real, real, real topic heavy.
00:22:54.799 --> 00:22:59.359
But um, I have depression um and PTSD, right?
00:23:00.319 --> 00:23:04.480
And a part of my PTSD is abandonment, right?
00:23:05.039 --> 00:23:07.759
So really I have abandonment issues, is what I'm trying to say.
00:23:08.079 --> 00:23:13.599
Um and uh I lost my train of thought.
00:23:13.680 --> 00:23:14.319
Hold on.
00:23:16.240 --> 00:23:17.359
What was I just talking about?
00:23:19.680 --> 00:23:20.319
Wow.
00:23:25.599 --> 00:23:27.440
Oh my god, I just lost it.
00:23:27.599 --> 00:23:28.880
What just happened to me?
00:23:30.480 --> 00:23:31.359
Oh, okay.
00:23:31.599 --> 00:23:32.799
Sorry, I got it back.
00:23:33.039 --> 00:23:33.759
That was weird.
00:23:33.839 --> 00:23:36.079
I felt like somebody just snatched it and threw it back.
00:23:36.319 --> 00:23:49.759
Um so I don't have the type of heart that can handle people say that can handle hearing people say why they don't want to be with me or why they don't want me around and shit like that.
00:23:49.920 --> 00:23:54.880
Like the reason I have no problem with ghosting people is because that's what I would prefer people to do to me.
00:23:54.960 --> 00:23:55.680
You know what I'm saying?
00:23:55.759 --> 00:24:17.839
Like, I would really rather if somebody didn't want me, if they wanted to stop being friends with me, if they wanted to not be in a relationship with me anymore, I would much rather them just say nothing and just by just leave, you know, because it's that lost puppy syndrome again.
00:24:17.920 --> 00:24:23.839
Like I was telling y'all before in the older episodes, like I just can't my brain and my emotions and my heart can't fathom that.
00:24:23.920 --> 00:24:25.200
Like, I don't need closure.
00:24:25.359 --> 00:24:27.519
I just need if you're gonna leave, just leave.
00:24:27.839 --> 00:24:33.039
Because you leaving is gonna hurt a lot less than you telling me why you're leaving.
00:24:33.119 --> 00:24:33.759
You know what I'm saying?
00:24:33.839 --> 00:24:36.880
Like, I just can't do that, I can't handle it.
00:24:37.119 --> 00:24:39.680
Um, that's like my kryptonite.
00:24:40.079 --> 00:24:51.200
So this bitch is gonna say, Well, if those are your parents, then I don't want to have a relationship with you, and I don't think we could talk anymore, and I don't want to be your mom.
00:24:51.359 --> 00:24:53.279
And it's just starting to make my eyes water.
00:24:53.440 --> 00:24:58.559
Not that this bitch has ever been a mom, but it's just like I can't hear stuff like that.
00:24:58.640 --> 00:24:59.519
You know what I'm saying?
00:24:59.680 --> 00:25:05.759
And I'm not about to let you hear me cry on the phone like you hurt my feelings, like I'm some soft ass bitch, which I am, but you don't need to know that.
00:25:05.839 --> 00:25:07.359
So I hung up on her.
00:25:08.400 --> 00:25:14.240
Ten minutes later, I tried to smoke a blunt, my handshake, and I can't even enjoy my favorite candy and shit because you done pissed me off so much, bitch.
00:25:14.400 --> 00:25:15.519
I was mad as hell.
00:25:15.839 --> 00:25:24.880
Ten minutes later, she sent me this long ass text message, like you so quick to hang up and and and cut people off in conversations, you didn't even hear what else I was about to say.
00:25:25.039 --> 00:25:25.839
That's fine.
00:25:26.079 --> 00:25:28.240
Then all this other shit that I didn't even really read.
00:25:28.319 --> 00:25:36.720
I sent it to my friend and had my friend was like, it wasn't that bad, because I it was a long ass text message, and I was just like, I I I just I can't, you know, so I didn't even really read it, to be honest with you.
00:25:36.799 --> 00:25:59.759
But I read like the first couple sentences, but um, and I sent her a text message back, mind you, without reading it, and I was like, the biggest disconnect me and you have is because from the day I was born, I've always felt like you didn't want me, and you've had this imaginary beef with me since that day, and I don't understand why.
00:25:59.920 --> 00:26:10.079
Because I was a kid, and now that I'm an adult and we don't talk as much, it's like you still trying to punish me for this imaginary beef that we have, and and I don't know why we have it, you know what I'm saying?
00:26:10.480 --> 00:26:15.359
Um, and I was like, just the same thing I said before, like, I'm a grown-ass woman now.
00:26:15.440 --> 00:26:18.480
I don't need you to defend yourself, and I'm not trying to blame you for anything.
00:26:18.640 --> 00:26:24.799
But when you bring up the topic of why I am the way I am, it's gonna always lead back to you negatively.
00:26:24.960 --> 00:26:30.720
And if you do not like that, you cannot keep bringing these type of conversations up when you talk to me because I am not your other two kids.
00:26:30.799 --> 00:26:34.000
I'm not finna spread your ass and kiss your asshole.
00:26:34.079 --> 00:26:36.160
I'm not, I'll shoot you in your fucking you know what I'm saying?
00:26:36.240 --> 00:26:38.240
Like I'll I'll beat your ass before I ever kiss ass.
00:26:38.319 --> 00:26:41.200
I'll I promise you, I'm not that child, you know.
00:26:41.440 --> 00:26:46.240
So and then oh god, y'all.
00:26:46.319 --> 00:26:47.279
This story runs so deep.
00:26:47.359 --> 00:26:47.839
Hold on.
00:26:48.000 --> 00:26:57.200
So after we send after I send that text message, we don't talk for like a month, right?
00:26:58.799 --> 00:27:08.240
So I wish I could tell y'all what was so shisty about what they did when my grandma died, but I'll tell y'all on the Patreon.
00:27:08.400 --> 00:27:14.720
I'm gonna make the Patreon a dollar too, because I want y'all to actually like go over there, and I hate the thought of breaking people pockets just to listen to me talk.
00:27:14.799 --> 00:27:23.920
Like I want the money, but like I would rather have it from like a sponsorship than y'all, because like I don't even want like you know, I just don't like that.
00:27:24.079 --> 00:27:32.720
But so I'll tell the fuller story in Patreon, but without talking to my mom, right?
00:27:34.160 --> 00:27:38.720
My mom, a few days ago, I get messages just bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.
00:27:38.799 --> 00:27:41.200
My phone blowing the fuck up, just ding, ding, ding, ding.
00:27:41.279 --> 00:27:42.640
I'm like, bitch, I ain't in no group chat.
00:27:42.720 --> 00:27:44.079
Who the fuck is that, you know?
00:27:44.480 --> 00:27:57.039
And it's my mom, and she is sending me pictures in Paris of her in Paris, and I was like, that's beautiful, you know.
00:27:57.279 --> 00:27:58.079
Love that for you.
00:27:58.240 --> 00:28:03.839
Oh, y'all are not gonna understand why this pissed me off until I tell you this story.
00:28:04.000 --> 00:28:07.359
Okay, so a couple months back, we are real personal.
00:28:07.440 --> 00:28:08.640
Wow, I feel like I love y'all.
00:28:09.039 --> 00:28:10.319
A couple months back.
00:28:10.640 --> 00:28:17.200
Um, my biological sister who I have by this mom, her car got fucked up, right?
00:28:17.359 --> 00:28:27.279
I have two nieces by this sister, and uh this sibling, this sister has just always been my mom's favorite, is dead ass the only child my mom meant to have.
00:28:27.359 --> 00:28:28.480
I'm not lying.
00:28:29.359 --> 00:28:33.359
And so she's we treated her that way our entire childhood.
00:28:34.160 --> 00:28:39.200
And um I'm in Florida.
00:28:39.599 --> 00:28:42.160
My sister is also in Florida, she lives in Orlando.
00:28:42.400 --> 00:28:46.720
My sister my mom is still in Virginia Beach with the rest of my uh biological family.
00:28:47.680 --> 00:28:53.279
And uh so I'm out here by basically by myself as far as biological family.
00:28:53.680 --> 00:28:56.400
My sister has a man and her two kids, right?
00:28:56.640 --> 00:29:02.000
Um, and I live by myself, and my parents, my adoptive parents live on the other side of town.
00:29:02.319 --> 00:29:12.160
Um and so, you know, a bitch would like some help, but I I'm not gonna ask for it because I just don't like to ask anybody for help.
00:29:12.240 --> 00:29:13.920
Like I'd rather just be dangling, right?
00:29:14.000 --> 00:29:16.720
I literally would, like self-sabotage all the way down.
00:29:17.200 --> 00:29:21.759
Um, and that's important to know with the story I'm about to tell y'all.
00:29:21.839 --> 00:29:30.960
So my sister, me and my sister don't have that good of a relationship because she dropped my character a few years ago, and I was like, Bet on my on my life, I'll never talk to you again.
00:29:31.119 --> 00:29:33.279
So I've been keeping that up.
00:29:33.519 --> 00:29:42.480
Um, but uh she's just not, you know, hella D Uise, very much an alcoholic.
00:29:42.720 --> 00:29:46.240
Um, and she always just been like a mean-spirited person.
00:29:46.319 --> 00:29:51.279
She probably not that way now, because I haven't like had a conversation with her in like five years, so hopefully she changed.
00:29:51.519 --> 00:30:06.880
But from like childhood and teenage to young adult, she was just a fucking mess in every word of a way, which is so frustrating because if anybody has a lot of siblings, more than two, there's one child that's kind of unspokenly considered the golden child, right?
00:30:06.960 --> 00:30:11.839
This child has everything set up for them, their future is just literally glossed the fuck up.
00:30:11.920 --> 00:30:14.640
Like, you if anybody gonna get it, you gonna get it, you know?
00:30:14.720 --> 00:30:21.440
And that's how my sister was, and she just fucked it, like fucked it all up to ass, no lube, you know, just ruin her life.
00:30:21.680 --> 00:30:25.519
Um, and so it's frustrating because just like damn.
00:30:25.759 --> 00:30:35.680
But um a few months ago, my sister fucked her car up doing god knows what, and um my mom gave her$5,500.
00:30:37.039 --> 00:30:39.119
That's a lot of money to give somebody, right?
00:30:39.359 --> 00:30:43.440
So my mom called me to tell me she gave her$5,500.
00:30:46.559 --> 00:30:54.960
And if y'all haven't been able to tell by now, when I hear stupid shit, I'm not the type of person to be like, oh, okay, good, let's get you.
00:30:55.039 --> 00:30:56.000
I cannot be fake.
00:30:56.240 --> 00:30:58.799
I cannot be fake, especially if you bring it to me.
00:30:59.039 --> 00:31:02.720
If I stumble upon you and you say some stupid shit to me, I'm gonna be like, oh, okay, and I'm gonna keep it pushing.
00:31:03.039 --> 00:31:12.000
When you bring it to me, meaning you want me to speak the truth on it, or you want to hear what I think about it, I'm gonna tell you exactly what the fuck I think, and it's not gonna be good.
00:31:12.880 --> 00:31:14.559
So I was like, Are you stupid?
00:31:14.720 --> 00:31:23.279
And she was like, Excuse me, and I was like, Why would you give somebody with more than two DUIs$5,500 for a car?
00:31:24.079 --> 00:31:25.359
You know what I'm saying?
00:31:25.599 --> 00:31:26.880
That's weird.
00:31:27.440 --> 00:31:28.319
That's real weird.
00:31:28.400 --> 00:31:38.480
And she was like, Well, she needed it, and you know, I just couldn't bear thinking about her and the girls walking outside, and I was like, Don't she live with a man?
00:31:38.720 --> 00:31:42.960
Her man couldn't have given her$5,500, her man couldn't have helped her get a new car, you know what I'm saying?
00:31:43.039 --> 00:31:43.680
Like, that's weird.
00:31:43.759 --> 00:31:54.000
And she was like, Well, and I was and and assuming, I was like, I don't understand having a man and asking your mama for$5,500, you know what I'm saying?
00:31:54.079 --> 00:31:58.319
Like, that don't make no sense to me, especially when y'all got a kid, like somebody need, you know what I'm saying?
00:31:58.480 --> 00:32:01.599
But I'm mad, I'm being a dickhead, you know.
00:32:01.759 --> 00:32:07.680
So my mom goes, well, she didn't even ask, she was just telling me about it, and and I told her I would spot her to$5,500.
00:32:08.000 --> 00:32:12.240
And I was like, uh, okay, that's weird.
00:32:12.480 --> 00:32:15.119
And I was like, can I can I ask you a question?
00:32:16.000 --> 00:32:17.200
She was like, Yeah.
00:32:17.359 --> 00:32:22.640
I was like, Do you see how it would make me feel some type of way?
00:32:23.200 --> 00:32:29.279
If I've been in Florida for three years by myself, doing all this new shit, you know what I'm saying?
00:32:29.359 --> 00:32:34.559
Like getting a new place, like trying to get a new car, like all this stuff.
00:32:36.559 --> 00:32:38.559
And I'm the youngest, mind you, I'm the youngest.
00:32:38.640 --> 00:32:40.400
All of my other similar are already in their 30s.
00:32:40.480 --> 00:32:41.759
I'm the only one still in my 20s.
00:32:41.839 --> 00:32:43.440
I am the youngest child.
00:32:46.160 --> 00:32:58.799
I was like, from how you used to treat us in childhood with Taj, that's my older sister, to now, you don't see how I would look at that as favoritism.
00:32:59.119 --> 00:33:10.480
You don't see how that would hurt my feelings, how you just have always given this one kid everything they could possibly think, and then look at me with so much disdain.
00:33:10.640 --> 00:33:15.519
Like you don't even have an afterthought of if I may need help or anything like that, right?
00:33:15.599 --> 00:33:17.200
This is what she said to me.
00:33:18.240 --> 00:33:25.519
She was like, Well, you're just always so cut off and shut off from everybody, nobody knows how to get in contact with you and stuff like that.
00:33:25.599 --> 00:33:27.279
And I was like, All you gotta do is call me.
00:33:27.440 --> 00:33:28.079
You know what I'm saying?
00:33:28.160 --> 00:33:29.759
You act like I got everybody blocked.
00:33:29.920 --> 00:33:31.599
I did for a while, you know what I'm saying?
00:33:31.680 --> 00:33:33.599
Because y'all did some shit that pissed me off.
00:33:33.920 --> 00:33:38.000
But if you really need to get in touch with me, all you gotta do is call me, all you gotta do is text me.
00:33:38.079 --> 00:33:40.799
Like, I am not that, I am not, I am not the Grim Reaper, bitch.
00:33:40.880 --> 00:33:43.759
I'm really easy to get in contact with, especially if you need me.
00:33:44.079 --> 00:33:45.200
You know what I'm saying?
00:33:45.440 --> 00:33:56.240
And I was like, it just makes me feel validated in how I think you feel about me, because you have just never gave a fuck about me.
00:33:56.319 --> 00:34:01.440
You literally never have, like, and I don't know what I did to make you dislike me so much.
00:34:01.680 --> 00:34:09.840
Like what like what I did to make you not want to help me in the same way you helped the other two.
00:34:10.000 --> 00:34:15.599
This bitch say, Well, you don't ever ask me for anything, you don't ever do this, you don't ever do that.
00:34:15.840 --> 00:34:18.800
I said, You just said that she didn't have to ask.
00:34:18.960 --> 00:34:20.800
You just said that she didn't ask you for that money.
00:34:20.880 --> 00:34:23.199
You just felt that she needed it and you gave it to her.
00:34:23.360 --> 00:34:24.480
You know what I'm saying?
00:34:24.719 --> 00:34:26.719
So you're proving my point either even more.
00:34:26.800 --> 00:34:29.360
Why the fuck is it that she don't have to ask for shit?
00:34:29.440 --> 00:34:31.679
But because I don't ask for shit, then you never give me shit.
00:34:31.760 --> 00:34:33.599
I said you just contradicted the fuck out yourself.
00:34:33.679 --> 00:34:36.400
You just literally proved that you favor that child over me.
00:34:37.039 --> 00:34:38.320
You just said it.
00:34:39.360 --> 00:34:40.559
Well, she didn't have to ask.
00:34:40.639 --> 00:34:41.440
I knew she needed it.
00:34:41.519 --> 00:34:42.639
You know I need help.
00:34:42.800 --> 00:34:48.239
You know I'm out here by myself, you know I live alone, you know how expensive everything is, you know what I'm saying?
00:34:48.480 --> 00:34:49.760
I'm your youngest child.
00:34:49.840 --> 00:34:53.920
That means I'm this is my first time doing all of this shit more than any of your other kids.
00:34:54.320 --> 00:34:57.440
But I'm the one who have to because you want to see me beg, bitch.
00:34:57.599 --> 00:34:58.480
That's what it is.
00:34:58.639 --> 00:34:59.199
That's what it is.
00:34:59.280 --> 00:35:00.880
I'm gonna tell y'all another thing.
00:35:01.119 --> 00:35:06.559
When I was getting adopted, um I was in the courthouse, right?
00:35:06.719 --> 00:35:08.159
My mom didn't know I was in the courthouse.
00:35:08.239 --> 00:35:11.760
It was my mom, my aunt, and my mom's friend.
00:35:12.079 --> 00:35:18.639
And she was signing her um her rights over to like away, just to like not be my parent anymore.
00:35:18.719 --> 00:35:36.559
Um I heard my mom and my aunt talking shit about me, saying that I think I'm better than everybody, and I've always had like this thing about me since I was a child, like I just always thought I was better than them and shit like that, and it's just like and and I'm not gonna lie, it hurt my feelings when I overheard that and shit, because I was like, what the fuck have I ever done to make y'all think I'm better than y'all?
00:35:36.880 --> 00:35:47.519
But it's the choices that I've made in life that are better than the choices they make in life, and I do them consciously and I do them on purpose, so I don't live y'all fuck ass life, you know what I'm saying?
00:35:47.760 --> 00:35:51.519
And if you think that I think that I'm better than you because of that, that's not my fault.
00:35:51.599 --> 00:35:52.480
You know what I'm saying?
00:35:52.559 --> 00:35:53.840
You should have done better.
00:35:54.079 --> 00:35:55.760
Y'all favorite line is you did your best.
00:35:55.840 --> 00:35:56.719
Your best was shit.
00:35:56.800 --> 00:35:59.679
I'm sorry, I'm not sorry, I don't give a damn, you know?
00:36:00.159 --> 00:36:13.039
So I think because me being a flight attendant and traveling all over the world and me not dating hood niggas, because my mom, every bitch in my life, only date hood niggas, and I do not like that.
00:36:13.199 --> 00:36:13.840
You know what I'm saying?
00:36:13.920 --> 00:36:17.599
I don't want my nigga to tow a gun, I don't want my niggas' pants to be all sagging, I don't want him throwing up.
00:36:17.679 --> 00:36:18.239
I don't like that.
00:36:18.320 --> 00:36:19.199
That's not my shit.
00:36:19.360 --> 00:36:25.039
Love a hood nigga, respect a hood nigga, be bros with a hood nigga, but you're not finna we not finna be any type of romantic thing.
00:36:25.199 --> 00:36:26.559
You know what I'm saying?
00:36:26.880 --> 00:36:34.000
And I think because my mom has always looked at me in that way, she wanna see me grovel.
00:36:34.480 --> 00:36:36.159
She wanna see me in the gutters.
00:36:36.320 --> 00:36:40.159
I'm not lying to you, like this bitch wanna see me fail so bad.
00:36:40.639 --> 00:36:47.039
Because then she can be an olive branch, then she can reach out and be like, oh, see, now you need my help.
00:36:47.119 --> 00:36:50.880
Now now mommy's here, and that's some wicked shit.
00:36:51.119 --> 00:36:52.559
That's some wicked shit.
00:36:52.719 --> 00:36:55.840
That's exactly what it is, and that's exactly what it always has been.
00:36:56.000 --> 00:37:01.440
I've always been a recluse in my emotions, in the way I feel, in my celebratories, in everything.
00:37:01.599 --> 00:37:05.119
Anything that I've ever celebrated, I want it to be by myself.
00:37:05.199 --> 00:37:10.320
I've like I've just always been, I've always known that if I'm by myself, can't nobody disappoint me.
00:37:10.480 --> 00:37:13.360
I've been locked in like that for a long time.
00:37:14.480 --> 00:37:16.400
And I just know that I don't want to live a bad life.
00:37:16.480 --> 00:37:17.440
That's why I don't want no kids.
00:37:17.519 --> 00:37:19.360
I don't want a life that I want to take a break from.
00:37:19.519 --> 00:37:24.559
I don't want to live a life that it's not fun, you know what I'm saying?
00:37:24.639 --> 00:37:28.880
I don't want to live a life that I'm like, well, I can't wait till somebody come get these fucking kids, or you know what I'm saying?
00:37:28.960 --> 00:37:34.400
So I'm purposely moving in a way so I can enjoy my life, you know what I'm saying?
00:37:34.719 --> 00:37:38.800
And they fucking hate that, and that is so crazy.
00:37:39.280 --> 00:37:41.039
That is so crazy to me.
00:37:41.360 --> 00:37:44.400
But what can you do?
00:37:44.559 --> 00:38:01.039
So, knowing with that story that she gave my sister the$5,500, and then seeing those pictures of her in Paris, and I mean she's living good in Paris, boat, tour, food tour, hotel, pool, hot tub, you know what I'm saying?
00:38:01.199 --> 00:38:03.760
Living good in Paris, living great in Paris, and I'd have been to Paris before.
00:38:03.840 --> 00:38:06.000
I didn't even know you could do half of that shit, you know what I'm saying?
00:38:06.159 --> 00:38:10.239
So you can kind of guess the funny shit that they did after my grandma died.
00:38:10.320 --> 00:38:11.599
You know, you can kind of piece it together.
00:38:11.679 --> 00:38:15.679
If you if you got it up here, you can kind of piece it together what the fuck I'm trying to say.
00:38:16.239 --> 00:38:22.480
Um, and like I told y'all on that episode of me sobbing because my grandma passed away.
00:38:22.559 --> 00:38:24.559
Like, me and my grandma were like this.
00:38:24.719 --> 00:38:27.920
My grandma didn't even give a fuck to say that I was her favorite child.
00:38:28.000 --> 00:38:28.880
She she didn't give a damn.
00:38:28.960 --> 00:38:30.719
She was like, You everybody know I don't give a damn.
00:38:30.800 --> 00:38:35.920
You are like, you just are like me and my grandma was the same motherfucking person.
00:38:36.000 --> 00:38:38.320
Like, I was her doppelganger for sure.
00:38:38.400 --> 00:38:43.920
Like, without the looks, but emotionally and personality-wise, I was her doppelganger.
00:38:44.159 --> 00:38:47.920
And I we used to talk about it all the time, like, which is crazy.
00:38:48.000 --> 00:38:51.679
Cause I mean, my grandma was depressed, so we talked about dying all the time together, you know what I'm saying?
00:38:51.760 --> 00:38:56.239
Not together, but like separately together, you know, like at different times.
00:38:56.480 --> 00:39:02.159
Um, and so I will always tell her, like, I wanted her house, I wanted her to leave her house to me, and stuff like that.
00:39:02.239 --> 00:39:07.039
Like, I was picking out little knickknacks of hers that I would want after she passed away and stuff like that.
00:39:07.119 --> 00:39:08.800
And she was like, Yeah, you can have it all.
00:39:09.039 --> 00:39:22.960
And she told me something that I will not say on here, just in case my family be stalking me and shit, but she told me something that guaranteed the bullshit that they did after she died, I know is bullshit, you know?
00:39:23.280 --> 00:39:30.880
And it's just it's just real fuddy duddy, the shit that my family got going on.
00:39:31.119 --> 00:39:58.159
Um and I hate how my my attraction to self-tabattage, self-tap-sabotage just I don't know, makes me keep feeding into this bullshit that I know is bullshit, that I know I'm always so much better without, without being in contact with these motherfuckers, but it's something about that biological and like evil part of my brain that's just like, no, bitch, you deserve to get hurt.
00:39:58.239 --> 00:39:59.119
I don't know.
00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:01.199
I don't know, y'all.
00:40:01.440 --> 00:40:05.920
So let me know what y'all think about that.
00:40:06.000 --> 00:40:16.320
And if y'all, I remember when I was first talking about my mommy issues in the earlier episodes, like some of y'all stories about mommy issues used to make me cry so hard because I was like, damn, like we're really out here.
00:40:16.480 --> 00:40:17.840
We really out here.
00:40:19.199 --> 00:40:23.920
But yeah, guys, I was gonna talk about what else was I gonna talk about?
00:40:24.000 --> 00:40:24.559
I can't remember.
00:40:24.639 --> 00:40:28.480
Oh, I was gonna talk about um this is such a heavy shift.
00:40:28.639 --> 00:40:44.000
This is such a heavy shift, but I kind of wanted to talk about it a little bit because I saw a clip of it on TikTok and I tried to watch the whole thing, and I hope I did, but I was not going to YouTube, so hopefully I watched the whole clip and I don't sound ignorant or um a hypocrite.
00:40:44.320 --> 00:40:58.719
But I saw the clip of Victoria Monet talking about how women only approach her sexually, and I want to talk to y'all about that a little bit.
00:40:59.039 --> 00:41:04.719
So when I was listening to that, it made because I'm bisexual, right?
00:41:04.880 --> 00:41:09.119
And I am a very even bisexual, I like to call myself.
00:41:09.280 --> 00:41:17.119
I like men and women 50-50 now because I'm pretty sure I was a lesbian for the first like couple years of my life because I was so scared of dick.
00:41:17.199 --> 00:41:20.800
Like I didn't I didn't touch a man sexually until I was 20.
00:41:20.880 --> 00:41:24.239
And bitch, I'm about to be 28, so that was only seven years ago, you know what I'm saying?
00:41:24.320 --> 00:41:25.440
So I was just like mm-mm.
00:41:25.840 --> 00:41:28.800
Coochie, love down, been eating coochie since I could walk.
00:41:29.199 --> 00:41:30.239
I'm just joking.
00:41:30.400 --> 00:41:31.599
I swear to god, I'm joking.
00:41:31.679 --> 00:41:32.320
Why did I say that?
00:41:32.400 --> 00:41:33.599
Oh my god, that's not true.
00:41:33.760 --> 00:41:43.760
But you know, you know, it started early, but it just made me hearing her say that made me realize why lesbians don't fuck with bisexual women.
00:41:43.840 --> 00:41:44.400
You know what I'm saying?
00:41:44.480 --> 00:42:10.000
And as a bisexual woman, I've been through it before where my girlfriend at the time or my um partner at the time was kind of iffy about our relationship because it's just like when you and and you can hear it when a lot of bisexual women talk, especially bisexual women who have only had most of their sexual experiences or romantic experiences with men, you can hear it in the way they talk.
00:42:10.079 --> 00:42:13.920
It's always him, his, you know what I'm saying?
00:42:14.159 --> 00:42:32.639
He and it's just like if I know that you are romantically drawn to men more, but I know you just like fucking with women, as a lesbian, why would I ever go into this taking you seriously?
00:42:32.719 --> 00:42:33.280
You know what I'm saying?
00:42:33.360 --> 00:42:41.039
And that's what she was saying, like, oh women just they only want me sexually and they only talk about my body, and it's just like, well, what if I want more than that?
00:42:41.199 --> 00:42:45.360
Because I'm already coming into this knowing that you want more than that with a man.
00:42:46.079 --> 00:42:48.079
I'm not stupid, you know what I'm saying?
00:42:48.239 --> 00:42:54.239
When people ask you about your future, you're saying him, he, his, his, him, he, him, him, him, who, him, you know what I'm saying?
00:42:54.480 --> 00:42:55.679
So it's just like.
00:43:10.800 --> 00:43:11.599
You know what I'm saying?
00:43:11.679 --> 00:43:12.719
Let's talk about it.
00:43:12.960 --> 00:43:14.960
Because if we're gonna talk about it, let's talk about it.
00:43:15.119 --> 00:43:19.360
A lot of the times when women say they're bisexual, that means they just want a woman to eat their pussy.
00:43:19.519 --> 00:43:25.440
They wouldn't dare touch a pussy, they wouldn't get married to a woman, they wouldn't introduce a family to a woman, they wouldn't be in a long-term relationship with a woman.
00:43:25.599 --> 00:43:27.039
They just want sex with a woman.
00:43:27.119 --> 00:43:29.840
That's what a lot of bisexual women want, you know what I'm saying?
00:43:30.079 --> 00:43:40.079
So it's just like, why would you ever think I was gonna take you serious unless that was a conversation, you know what I'm saying?
00:43:40.320 --> 00:43:43.679
And it also like it's a precautionary thing.
00:43:43.840 --> 00:43:59.440
It's it really is because if I'm already knowing, if I just like women, if I am only romantically and sexually attracted to women, getting to know somebody who is attracted to men like is already like a hmm.
00:44:00.320 --> 00:44:03.519
You know, because I don't care what nobody says.
00:44:03.599 --> 00:44:06.079
Don't nobody want to lick or come after a dick.
00:44:06.239 --> 00:44:06.639
Nobody.
00:44:06.800 --> 00:44:07.039
Nobody.
00:44:07.199 --> 00:44:08.239
No pun intended either.
00:44:08.320 --> 00:44:09.199
I mean that literally.
00:44:09.280 --> 00:44:11.519
Like nobody wants to do that.
00:44:11.679 --> 00:44:13.920
A man, they don't wash correctly.
00:44:14.079 --> 00:44:18.480
Like so you had a man up in there and you want me to absolutely the fuck not.
00:44:18.559 --> 00:44:19.360
You know what I'm saying?
00:44:19.519 --> 00:44:24.639
So it's just like it's already a touchy.
00:44:25.039 --> 00:44:26.079
You know what I'm saying?
00:44:26.239 --> 00:44:29.440
And you can say, well, it's y'all fault for trying to talk to a bisexual woman.
00:44:29.519 --> 00:44:32.480
It's just like, I mean, not really, you know what I'm saying?
00:44:32.559 --> 00:44:41.760
Like, like I said, outside of the having the conversation of you guys being something serious, you can really fuck whoever the fuck you want to, you know what I'm saying?
00:44:41.840 --> 00:44:44.480
So that's the thing where it's just like it's not like an aha moment.
00:44:44.880 --> 00:44:50.239
It's like the fact that you can call it an aha moment is why I'm not taking you serious in the first place.
00:44:50.320 --> 00:45:15.920
Like, I do y'all understand what I'm trying to say, and then also it made me realize like how deep like the patriarchy goes, even in the LGBTQIA community, because it's just like the gall to say women only want me for my body and shit like that, as if that hasn't been the track record for men since the dawn of these motherfuckers, you know what I'm saying?
00:45:16.000 --> 00:45:21.199
And it's just like she was like, Women do me so dirty, women do me so dirty.
00:45:21.360 --> 00:45:24.880
How many albums and songs you got about niggas doing you the exact same way?
00:45:24.960 --> 00:45:26.159
No, it's not a competition.
00:45:26.239 --> 00:45:37.679
I'm not saying that, but it's just like, why is it the excuse for you not to be with a woman because women are treating you the same way that niggas historically and famously treat women?
00:45:37.840 --> 00:45:39.199
You see what I'm trying to say?
00:45:39.440 --> 00:45:40.559
You see what I'm trying to say?
00:45:40.719 --> 00:45:50.639
I don't know if I'm articulating this well, but it's just like you'll take that over sexualized shit from a man because you expect it from a man.
00:45:50.800 --> 00:45:55.119
But when a woman does the same thing, knowing that you attracted the man, all of a sudden she the bad guy.
00:45:55.199 --> 00:45:55.599
I don't know.
00:45:55.679 --> 00:46:02.960
And I don't know if I interpreted that too wrong, so I probably did, because like I said, I don't know if I watched the whole clip, but I don't know.
00:46:03.119 --> 00:46:03.519
I don't know.
00:46:03.599 --> 00:46:17.199
I think a lot of us bisexual women have a disconnect when it comes to um being gay, like liking women, like there's there's a huge disconnect between lesbians and bisexuals, and it's that dick.
00:46:17.440 --> 00:46:19.920
It just is, you know, it just is.
00:46:20.079 --> 00:46:26.559
I've been in that situation where I've been with a woman and she got pregnant, and I was like, by what?
00:46:26.719 --> 00:46:27.440
You know what I'm saying?
00:46:27.679 --> 00:46:38.800
By by because bitch, there's no way because you said you like girls, and the only way to get pregnant is writing dick, you know what I'm saying?
00:46:38.880 --> 00:46:47.840
So it's just like and that's a terrible way to get got as a as a lesbian, as a bisexual who is committed to women, you know what I'm saying?
00:46:47.920 --> 00:46:49.119
That's a big ass slap in the face.
00:46:49.199 --> 00:46:53.280
It's almost harder than being in a straight relationship and he had a baby on you.
00:46:53.360 --> 00:46:55.679
It almost hurt worse because especially you're not even supposed to like that.
00:46:55.760 --> 00:46:56.400
You know what I'm saying?
00:46:56.559 --> 00:47:00.719
Like you, you you know, so I don't know.
00:47:00.960 --> 00:47:01.760
I don't know.
00:47:02.239 --> 00:47:04.800
It's a lot of gay motherfuckers that watch this podcast too.
00:47:04.960 --> 00:47:14.719
So I hope that y'all understand what I'm trying to say, especially the lesbians, because I felt I was I was I was I I'm not gonna lie, I was a lesbian for a long time.
00:47:14.880 --> 00:47:16.159
I was so scared of penis.
00:47:16.239 --> 00:47:18.480
I was like, but yeah.
00:47:19.119 --> 00:47:25.199
Alright guys, I'm gonna wrap this episode up because I don't know.
00:47:25.519 --> 00:47:26.960
I don't know what to talk about anymore.
00:47:27.280 --> 00:47:30.719
But I'll be back in hopefully another video episode.
00:47:30.880 --> 00:47:46.320
And um I'm gonna I posted not posted, I recorded like a apartment tour that I'm gonna put on Patreon, but there's a couple more videos that I want to upload before I even like put the link out for y'all to go rejoin.
00:47:46.559 --> 00:47:51.199
Um, there's just a couple things I want to clean up over there because that first time I did it, it was not cute.
00:47:51.280 --> 00:47:57.039
Like, and I was like in a space of where recording was just not comfortable for me.
00:47:57.199 --> 00:48:01.360
So like spatially and like mentally.
00:48:01.440 --> 00:48:02.480
So but now I'm good.
00:48:02.559 --> 00:48:08.480
So I'll get a couple videos out for you on there and I'll already post them so that way when y'all join y'all have a couple shit to watch.
00:48:08.719 --> 00:48:11.599
And uh yeah, I'll see you guys in the next episode.
00:48:11.840 --> 00:48:12.320
Peace out.
